Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

This is terrible.

Not the beer, you nobsicle, this!

Bad news out of Wullerton.

[all spitting]

Their weekly newspaperis shutting down.

Poor Wullerton.

[all spitting]

Yup, papers are either going digital

or they're dying.

It's all the rage.

What are you doing,

conducting an invisible choir?

Waving down a tiny waitress?

A third thing that's funnier?

Well, by myair calculations,

our paper must beon the chopping block too.

What?

That paper is the lifeblood of this town!

We need to save it.

Who's with me?

[angrily] I said, who's with me?

I say let it die.

Kill the paper, kill the paperboy!

Hmm, murdering a child seems a tad harsh,

even for you.

Oh, please, that boy's a monster.

Top of the morning, Mr. Leroy!

Ooh!

That was no accident.

Oh, uh, yes, dear.

Save the Howler.

[muttering]: I'll kill that paper

if it's the last thing I do.

You're going against Mom,so it probably will be.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby You're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

How was breakfast?

Well, I don't mean to complain,

but I ordered bacon and eggs, you gave me eggs and bacon.

Yeah, I turned the plate around.

It's like having breakfast in Australia.

Ooh, exotic.

Can I get a coffee to go?

I'm swamped. How aboutI bring it by later?

Whatever you say, City Walk.

"City Walk"? [chuckles]

Wh-what does that mean?

Nothin'. [gas bell chimes]

Don't go all Lacey on me.

"Go all Lacey"?

What does that mean? Wha...?

If we're gonna save the Howler,

we need to help it generate revenue.

Okay, but why do you care about the paper so much?

I have my reasons.

Why do you care?

Crossword.

You do the Howler crossword?

It's my 30-second warm-up for the Times crossword.

You've got to crawl before you perambulate.

[♪♪♪]

[crow cawing]

Aah!

Not again!

[crow cawing]

Officer under attack. Officer under attack!

What is it with that crow?

That is the third time this week.

Maybe you smelllike a worm.

Ever think of that?

Not even once.

[forced] Oh, hey, more homemade muffins.

Is this the orgasmic gluttony kind?

Organic and gluten free? Yes.

Oh.

All right.

I've got a planto kill the paperboy.

Okay, step one, count me out.

You can't be out.It was your idea.

My idea?

I've always been very against murder.

It's kind of my thing.

I just mean kill the paper.

You're going to help me do

one of those digital in-line news things.

Step two, no, I'm not.

I'll pay you.Five bucks.

Tempting offer, but sadly,

I've sent my computer to the Internet

for repairs,

so... no.

I'll take thatas a yes.

Oh, and step three,

don't tellyour mother.

[door opens and closes]

Step four,

continue searching for biological father.

[♪♪♪]

[Lacey, thinking]: Buy whipped cream, ketchup, eggs.

Whipped cream, ketchup, eggs.

"Going all Lacey"?

What does that even mean?

Is he saying I get inside my own head?

I don't get inside my own--

Dammit, Lacey!

City Walk?

I mean, I don't have a city walk.

Wait, what is a city walk?

Brent's just so--

Dammit, Lacey!

Well, at least I don't walk like that.

[crow cawing]

You okay?

A crow keeps dive-bombing me.

That wasn't a crow.

It's justmy ringtone.

[ringtone of crow cawing]

[shudders]

That's like nails on a chalkboard.

Oh, I have that one too!

["ahooga" horn sounds]

Oh, I must've changed that.

Anyway, if you'rehaving crow trouble,

I'm an expert.

I find that hard to believe.

Nah, I've gotthe whole kit.

Nerf gun and, uh...

other stuff.

Fine, you can help,

but only because I'm desperate.

Oh, I specializein desperate.

Now, that I believe.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hey, Mom.

Dad told me notto tell you something.

What is it?

He wants me to help himkill the Howler

by setting upan online version.

[groans]

I should have married Wilbur Watson

when I had the chance.

Who's he?

A guy who died years ago

and isn't causing me any problems.

Well, don't worry,

Dad's not going to pull this off,

because I'm not going to help him.

Yes, you will.

The best way to make anything fail

is to put your dad in charge.

Oh, and Corner Gas needs to buy an ad

in the Howler.

Why would Iadvertise in a paper

people come hereto buy?

Because your mother would like you to.

Full page ad, done.

Love you, Mommy.

[crow cawing]

[firing Nerf gun]

Hank's got a loosedefinition of "expert."

I don't see this ending well.

Gotcha!

[fires Nerf gun]

Uh-oh.

[cawing angrily]

[wincing] Ooh...

[Hank screams]:Not the eyes!

Oh, right in the eyes!

[♪♪♪]

That's three businesses

who've bought ads in the Howler.

I asked at the liquor store.

They kicked me out.

Maybe you didn't ask nicely enough.

Now's your chance.

And a good day to you, Won,

valued local business owner .

What's wrong with your mouth?

How'd you like to increase foot traffic

in your fine establishment

by purchasing an ad vertisement in the Howler?

No, thanks.

We're plenty busy.

Just sold some whipped cream, ketchup, and eggs,

as a matter of fact.

Nice dairy cooler.

Is that new?

You know, I thinkI will buy an ad.

Half page, maybe?

Full?

Okay, done.

You're a peach.

See?

You catch more flies with honey.

Sure, if the honey is terrifying.

Got any tape?

I read that sticking eyes on the back of your head

will stop a crow from attacking you.

Smart.

Make it think you're a giant mutant spider.

No. Crows attack from the rear.

Four eyes? No rear.

Always been my motto.

Your tape in here?

No!

Hey...

Aren't you eating my muffins?

I'm... saving them.

To binge eat.

Really?

Why not binge-eat one now?

O...kay.

Mmm...

Can't wait.

[gasps] Karen! Look over there!

Really?

That was your fault.

You were supposed to look over there.

[crow cawing]

Hey!

He likes my muffins!

Great!

Share the wealth.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

[grunting with effort]

I brought our computerfrom home.

Now we can get downto business.

No, you just brought the monitor.

You need to get the actual computer,

and the keyboard, and the mouse.

[grunting]

There.

Now can we start?

Fine, but let's use this one.

I thought you didn't--

Yeah, yeah, the Internet sent it back.

Wow, that Internet is fast.

Well, they use lasers and what-have-you.

Anyway, first step to getting the Howler online

is you retyping all the articles.

Why are youwalking like that?

Ooh, did you get a horse?

No, I'm just feeling a little self-conscious.

Brent said that I have a...

[whispering] city walk.

Uh-huh, and...?

So it's true?

I have a city walk?

Well, it ain't a country walk.

There's a difference?

Ho-hokay, yeah.

There is a difference.

I can teach you if you want.

Okay.

So what do I do

that makes mine a city walk?

[customer 1]:Too much bounce!

[customer 2]: Got a stick up yer butt!

[customer 3]: Quit hip-wagglin', ya floozy!

I was asking Davis.

Geez...

They're not wrong.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, I want to watch you walk.

And I want you to finda less creepy way

to phrase that.

I'm just analyzing your bio-motion.

Uh-huh...

Interesting.

Rapid pace.

Rolled shoulders.

And... squat.

And we'reback to creepy.

I'm not squattingin public.

It's for science.

[giggles]

You look like a dog pooping.

And creepy becomes gross.

Can I walk country now?

Patience!

To truly walk country, you must learn them all--

the Backwoods Boxstep,

the Jealous Jaunt,

the Hayseed Hip Thrust,

the Poky Yokel.

I'll never be ableto do all that.

Believe in yourself, Lacey-san.

Walk on, walk off...

Now, there's one thing left to do--

I've seen that movie,

and I'm notwashing your car.

Then there are no things left to do.

Unless you want to paint my fence?

[♪♪♪]

Hang back a little.

I'm doing this one Emma-style.

By "Emma-style,"you mean sweetly?

[rings doorbell]

Hey, Wanda.

What's up?

Howler subscription,

that's what's up.

Maybe you'llplay this smart

and buy one.

That's a nice doorbell.

Shame if you shouldwake up one day

and it don't"bing-bong" no more.

[laughs]

[threateningly]: Hey, whoa, do I amuse you?

Am I your circus clown?

Should I twist up a funny balloon poodle

for your entertainment?

[chuckling] Hey, Emma,

have you heard Wanda's Joe Pesci impression?

Sounds more likePhyllis Diller

doing Joe Piscopo.

But seriously, Rheena.

Rheens...

About the Howler...

A subscription?

Sign me up.

Okay, bye!

[door slams, locks snap shut]

See?

You reallydon't hear it?

...and then I was like

"If you don't value my authentic self,

you don't deserve a third date."

Stay perfectly still

if you think I did the right thing.

You're so supportive.

[cawing gently]

[Hank shouts]: Get your filthy wings off her!

[Nerf gun fires]

[Karen winces]

You scared Edgar away!

Edgar?

Edgar Allen Crow?

We're friends now.

So... you don't want me to get rid of him?

No, he's a great listener.

Okay.

Weird, but okay.

You know what's weirder?

You never thought of "Russell Crow."

I did!

It was too obvious!

There, that should do it.

May I presentthe Online Howler.

"Insert headline here"?

That's not a very catchy lead story.

It's just a template.

You need to paste inthe stories you typed up.

Here?

Oop!

Where'd it go?

You just deletedeverything I did

over the last two hours.

...and template's finished.

Again.

Whoa, whoa,you touch nothing.

I'll do the cuttingand pasting.

Which one do youwant to do first?

"Ragweed on the Rise, Homegrown Terror!"

Bah, that's a little bland.

Bland?

It's got the word"terror" in it.

Needs some spice.

"Agro-Armageddon!

Death in the Dirt."

Yeah, that's some pepper.

[typing]

Should be a "y" in that.

It's not "army-geddon."

[♪♪♪]

...then my eczema flared up.

You're right, it probably was the dairy.

Whenever I have--

Hey, guys!

[sighs in frustration] ...I'll tell you later.

Peace offering.

I figured

all three of us could hang out.

Hank, we're having a conversation.

Great, what are we talking about?

Girl stuff? Bird stuff?

You know, in England, it's the same thing.

It's a private conversation between me and Cameron.

Cameron?

Oh! [laughs] I get it.

Okay, then.

Uh, guess I'll just, uh, leave you to it.

Where were we?

Oh, right, skin conditions.

And shuffle,shuffle, shuffle.

Slower, shufflier...

Can I have my soup?

We've covered shuffling, slouching,

and the scratch 'n' walk.

I'm ready to put 'em all together.

Are you mad?

That's too muchto concentrate on,

and we all know you're nota great multitasker.

[Lacey, thinking] Not a great multitasker?

What does that mean?

And why am I holding soup?

[snapping fingers]

Lacey? Hello?

Oh, sorry, here you go.

Hey, Nate,what can I get you?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, well, if it isn't Mr. Popular.

Thought you were hanging out with your best friend, Karen.

Hmm?

Oh, you like this?

Swedish army knife.

It's like a Swiss army knife,

but instead of a nail file, it has a "nagelfile."

You know, you are a good listener, little faågel.

That's "bird" in Swedish.

Hey! Stop!

Thief!

Why, you little gaärningsmannen...

Geez, I know a lot of Swedish.

...and that's how the Nazis invented recycling!

I'm Oscar Leroy,

and that's my Digital Two Cents.

You get all that?

I wouldn't say I get it,but I wrote it all down.

Enough dithering.

It's time to share this on-the-line newspaper

with the world!

Sure, do you want to do a quick spell-check, or--

Publish.

I admire your passion.

I'd like to report a robbery

perpetrated by your CFF.

CFF?

Your Crow Friend Forever is a thief!

CFF... clever.

Calm down, Hank.

You're just jealous

because I'm friendswith Chad,

and you're not.

I'm not jealous, I--

Chad?

Chad Crowger.

Oh-ho-ho, good one.

But I'm serious, he robbed me.

My prints are all over that knife.

What if he kills someone and frames me?

They don't call ita "murder of crows" for nothing.

Whatever.

I don't appreciate you

spreading rumoursabout my friend.

Your friend is a thief,

and I'm gonna prove it.

[♪♪♪]

Have you read the online Howler?

It's a riot.

Hey!

"Save your heating bill, Support Global Warming."

"Brexit is the most important meal of the day."

That's my lunatic.

Wow, this trash is even worse

than the original Howler.

But for some reason, people love it.

[chuckles] Oh right.

People love trash.

This isall Brent's fault.

Hey, Davis!

I've been doing a little practicing,

and I've got a surprise for you.

Is it cake?

Just watch.

Foot drag, slouch,

lazy turn, shuffle,

and...

Oh!

Not the Hayseed Hip Thrust!

[thud] Ooh...

[groans]

[customer]:Floozy down!

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe you'dhelp your own father.

You told me to.

How was I supposed to know

the digital Howler would be a runaway hit?

It's a hit?

My free paper-free paper's a hit!

Rot in hell, Jeff!

Who's Jeff?

The paperboy, I'm assuming.

Oscar, you're interferingwith our mission

to save the newspaper.

Shut. It. Down.

Dream. On. Woman.

Please?

Fine.

Dream. On. Please.

This isn't over.

[chuckling] Well, well, well.

It appears intimidation doesn't always work.

Maybe it's time we shift gears

and use a little of the old Wanda Dollard intellect.

Get the door.

Right away.

[♪♪♪]

Wow...

That chiropractor was a-mazing.

So you'reall better now?

Yep.

Great.

Oh, look at these beautiful walks.

Upright, paced for success.

These are my people.

Merging!

Lacey, slow down!

Have I taught you nothing?

Oh!

On your left, Hayseed!

So how about this?

"Laser Eye SurgeryGives Local Man Laser Vision,

says unnamed source."

What are you talking about?

Headline for the nextDigital Howler.

We've got to start now.

Another one?

We just did one!

And we have to do oneevery week

until the end of time.

To hell with that.

There's got to be a more efficient way

to kill the paperboy.

You could put poisonin his--

Hang on, I'm nothelping you with that.

Look, for the last time,

the paperboyis not your enemy.

Says you.

There's something shifty

about that nut-knocking news-slinger.

So what, we're notdoing this anymore?

Nope.

The Online Howler is officially dead.

This is a cease and desist letter.

If you publish one more word in the Online Howler,

the real Howler will sue you for misrepresentation.

Okay.

We won!

How did you getthe cease and desist

so quickly?

I didn't.

This is my phone bill.

See?

Intellect over intimidation.

Threatening a lawsuitisn't intimidation?

Okay...

but it's intellectual intimidation.

[breathlessly] Okay...

city walk.

Shoulders back, chest out, heel-toe, heel-toe,

eyes forward, stick up butt.

Hey, I thinkI'm getting the hang--

[thud] Ah!

[groaning]

My back.

[♪♪♪]

What are you doing?

Catching a thief,

claw-handed,

with this GoPro.

You mean CrowPro?

Geez, you'reobsessed with puns.

Here's the plan--

crow approaches,

lured by sexydecoy girl crow,

flies into certifiedcrow-catching net,

where I attach the GoProto said criminal.

Crow flies back to nest,

providing video evidenceof the location of my knife.

All you're missing is an anvil,

and a tunnel painted on the side of a cliff.

How are you going to attach the GoPro to the crow?

Acme bird glue?

I've created a custom harness that--

[cawing]

Hey, he took my GoPro!

Oh.

Awesome, he took my GoPro!

Hey, Nick!

Good news.

Suitcase?

Don't tell me

the Howler's shutting down

and you're moving away.

Shutting down?

Hardly.

We just had the bestweek of our lives!

Really?

There was a huge surge in out-of-town subscriptions

because of Oscar's trashy online Howler.

It's got readers in high places.

Now some online rag is saying

I'm responsible for sea monsterson the prairie.

Sea monsters?

I mean, do people just make up whatever they want

and call it "news"?

Pretty much, yeah.

Unbelievable.

What a time to be Prime Minister.

It's been a real boonto the business,

so we're goingon a vacation to Greece.

But one good week

wouldn't cover your annual losses.

What losses?

We own the building, we've got plenty of supplies,

and the paper only costs pennies to print.

Plus, we've always sold corn liquor

out the back door.

That's off the record.

[grumbles] Bah...

I forgot to factor moonshine into my calculations.

Hey, Emma,thank Oscar for me.

I hope his digital papergoes on forever.

Wow!

That chiropractor was amazing.

Let's get out of hereand go home.

Sure, but maybe,

to get safely to the car,

we split the difference between a country walk

and a city walk.

Suburban stroll?

All right!

[♪♪♪]

So that's what you've been up to...

Told ya it stole my knife.

Yeah, but look atall my muffins!

He loves them.

He's not a he, he's a she,

and she is using your muffins

to build a nest for her babies.

Aw...

So no one likes my muffins?

A true friend would eat your muffin.

Amen, sister.

[spitting] Ugh!

Oh, god, not worth it.

I like my city walk, thank you very much.

Yeah, I like it too.

It has a good pace.

It means I getmy food faster.

Well, then, why were you making fun of it?

Pointing something out

doesn't necessarilymake it an insult.

Oh. Wow.

I really went full Lacey on that.

Now that,I was making fun of.

So, how about some lunch?

Back in a minute...

Pickle Lips.

[Brent, thinking]: Pickle Lips?

What does that mean?

And why is my voice all echo-y and inside my head?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

And... time.

20 seconds.

Nice.

Want my Howler? I'm done with it.

Oh, I don't readthat drivel.

You-- wait, what?

Then why did we put in all that effort to save it?

I use the paper to make my thera-piñatas.

Your thera-- what?

[Oscar shouting]:Where are my pants?

On your legs, dear!

Oh...

Therapy Piñatas.

So you basically whack Oscar with a stick.

And then eat candy.

Dad really is losing it.

He thinks the paperboyis out to get him.

Hey, there is evil in this world.

I know a crow that's a criminal mastermind.

A crow took your knife.

That doesn't meanit's evil.

[gasps] [crow cawing overhead]

No! Not the guy in the black hat.

I said the old man in the green hat!

Get it together, Sheryl!

[caws sadly]

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know