Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

McDavid over to Orr.

Orr back to McDavid!

That makes no sense.

They played in two different eras.

Fine.

Orr over to Chamberlain.

No, that's basketball, you--

Five hole!

Ha ha! Nothing but net.

Lucky shot.

Last year that would have been a lucky shot.

Not this year.

Ha ha! Toe drag!

Deke!

Dangle...

Top shelf,

where mom keeps the peanut butter

and the EpiPen.

Whoo!

[laughs]

[wheezing] Whew...

How is this happening?

I'm the best goalie

in the Pickerel Valley Hockey League.

You're getting slow, old man. [gasping]

Look who elseis gassed.

I'm not gassed.

This is how I celebrate.

[vomits]

You celebrate by hurling?

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

[sighs in satisfaction]

It's great to getout of the office.

Smell that fresh air.

Uh, you do remember

that we're looking for a dead body.

That doesn't meanwe can't enjoy nature.

This is kind of exciting.

I've never seen a real live dead body before.

Well, don't getyour hopes up.

Lanny tendsto exaggerate things

like, a hundred zillion times bigger than they are.

He probably just saw a coyote carcass.

Really?

Do coyotes have fingers?

[dramatic violin flourish]

No, coyotes have paws.

Now, raccoons,

they have grabby, thieving little fingers.

Davis!

Look whereI'm pointing.

Yes, Karen,

you also have fingers.

[sighs] Look!

[dramatic violin flourish]

[gasps in shock]

What's this?

Don't tell me you trapped another baby skunk.

It's an earlyChristmas present.

Ta-da!

It's a Beep-Boop machine.

Why would you buy that for me?

Because ofyour complaining.

[cash register clacks and rattles]

'Bout time you got here.

The air conditioner's broken,

the washroom toilet's leaking,

and there's a family of skunks

living underneath the storage room...

[register clacking] Argh!

And this stupid machine is giving me carpal tunnel.

Of all the things I complain about,

that's the one you pick?

But you said "Argh!"

I already hooked it up,

so all you need to dois just swipe here...

[machine beeps in error]

[error beep]

You swipe the bar...

[error beep]

Here's the manual.

Happy reading.

Oh, and one more thing.

My goalie reflexesare a little rusty,

so I need you to randomlythrow things at me

throughout the day.

Keep me on my toes.

Not that. Smaller,

less expensive,and less metal-y.

Ouch!

[error beep]

Lacey, what's withthe bottles?

Tastes tingly.

It's hand sanitizer.

I put bottles on all of the tables

when the first sign of flu season arrives.

[coughing]

I'm not sick.

This is allergies.

[groans] You say that every year,

and every year, you infect the whole town,

or has everyone forgotten

the snot-pocalypse of 2012?

Do you not recall

the phlegm-ageddon of 2015?

Do you recall you're the only one

who thinks those names are funny?

Regardless,

I'm implementing a mandatory hand sanitizing rule.

-What? You're kidding! -Outrageous!

No shirt, no shoes, no sanitizer,

no service.

No shoes? [flies buzzing]

[groans] Put sanitizer on those,

and socks.

The wrists areduct-taped to a 2 x 4.

And the head is missing.

This would be real disturbing

if it was a human.

Yeah.

Oh well, wanna hikea bit further?

There's a giantbeaver dam nearby.

Wait a minute.

There's a headless mannequin

duct-taped to a 2 x 4

in the middle of the woods,

and you're not at all intrigued?

There's a giant beaver dam nearby,

and you're not intrigued?

Beavers build dams.

If they built a picnic table, I'd be intrigued.

I guess it iskinda creepy.

All right,we'll stick around

and noodle on thisfor a bit.

Yes!

Pfft...

Yeah, I got nothing.

Let's go.

Davis, come on.

This beaver dam is humongous!

[♪♪♪]

[scanner beeps]

Oh!

[scanner beeps]

Ooh...

Are you surethis machine is safe?

Completely harmless.

You're wearing a lead bra, right?

[laughs]

Just kidding.

Here, you try it.

[scanner beeps] -Oh!

See? Any idiot can do it.

Okay... Hello there, Helen.

I see you're experiencing

our new scanner check-out system.

[error beep]

It streamlines the process

for a more pleasant customer experience.

[error beep]

If you find the sound "blonk" pleasant.

She raises a good point.

You have to make sure

you hear the Beep-Boop sound

to ensure it's scanned properly.

[error beep]

[error beep] [error beep]

Well, I'll leave you to it.

[whack]Ouch!

Keep 'em comin'.

Those are my cough drops.

Whoa, they're not yours

until you hear the Beep-Boop.

You've done a lot of crazy things

in the past, Lacey,

and I've kept my mouth shut--

You've never kept your mouth shut!

Using all thisanti-sanitary goop

is doing more harmthan good.

Every year, the doctor tries to give me a flu shot,

and every year, I tell him the same thing--

Go to hell!

Not true.

One year you told himto go hump a stump.

Because my immune system

is as strong as Fort Knock.

It's "Knox."

Pardon?

It's not "Knock"...

Who's there?

[groans] Why do I even--

Listen, if you think your immune system

is so kick-ass,

then I challenge you

to follow Hank around all day

and try not to catch his "allergies."

Challenge accepted!

This could be fun.

It's gonna be funand a breeze.

Breezy fun.[laughs]

[coughs]

I gottahit the john.

[coughing]

Wash your hands!

And the walls!

Oscar, you have tostick with Hank all day,

starting now.

Even when he's...?

Even when he's...

[muttering angrily]

What if he's doing a number two?

This feels like the start of a--

Stop.

♪ ...Flunami

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe you weren't impressed.

Beaver dams are like icebergs,

two thirds below the water.

Interesting.

Emma's mannequin isn't in her sewing room.

Looks likewe have a suspect

for our mannequin murder.

I guess it's not really a murder.

The thing was never alive.

Mannequin mystery?

[together]: Mannequin mystery!

I can't believe

how absurd Oscar and Hank are

with their stupid germ theory.

People do need to be exposed to germs

to build stronger immune systems.

So you agree with Oscar?

And the last time I did that was on our wedding day.

And how'd that work out for ya?

If anyone's being absurd,

it's you with that hand sanitizer.

Maybe I'm being a little excessive,

but not to the point of being fanatical.

[chuckles] I am not fanatical.

That's not me--

fanatical...

I challenge you to not use sanitizer

for as long as Oscar has to hang around with Hank.

Challenge accepted.

Uh, uh, uh...

Hey, Emma.

Doing much sewinglately?

Did you split your pants again?

Just answerthe question.

No, I haven't been sewing much.

Busted!

It's a littletoo early for that.

Sorry.

Maybe you haven't been sewing

because your mannequin is mysteriously missing?

It's at home.

Say it.

Say what?

Oh, yeah.

Busted!

We peekedin your window.

There is no mannequinin your sewing room.

I didn't say it was in the sewing room.

I hid it down here

after I caught Oscar

doing strangethings with it.

I want you to kill every crow you see.

Hah! Hah!

Haah!

[Charleston dance music plays]

[♪♪♪]

...each one stranger than the last,

and now can I ask

why you were peekingin my window?

It's on a need-to-know basis,

and I didn't need to know

that stuff about Oscar.

[♪♪♪]

[wheezing]

[yelps]

Jeebus Christmas,

I thoughtyou were a zombie.

I'm not sick, I'm justhaving a reaction.

That's why I'm making him buy allergy medicine.

Yeah, I'll wash it down with this energy drink,

and I should be right as rai--

[coughing and hacking]

--rain.

[spritzing]

[spluttering]

Is that sanitizer?

It's vitamin C.

It says "window cleaner."

Lemon scented.

Stop dithering and ring us up.

I'm not touchinganything you touched.

Hold your breathand ring yourselves out.

[inhales deeply]

[scanner beeping]

Now take your change and go exhale outside.

You see how they did that?

Then have at 'er.

[inhales deeply]

[scanner beeps]

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe

we don't see more hobos in town

with all the fire pits out here.

How do you knowit's hobos?

Harmonica.

Classic hobo instrument.

Also found a belt and a sleeping bag.

Classic hobo bedroom.

Insensitive.

What did you find?

Catalogues.

I gathered way more evidence than you.

I win.

It's nota competition.

Hold the phone.

Holy crap, it's the mannequin head!

With Brent's face on it.

[dramatic violin flourish]

Well, a picture of Brent's face.

Do you know what this means?

Hobos hate Brent?

I think this means

everything someone did to the mannequin,

they want to do to Brent.

Whoa.

This just went from a fake crime

to an actual crime--

Well, a practice crime for the actual crime.

We need to warn Brent.

No!

That'll freak him out,

which will tip offour suspect.

If we're going to catchthis psycho,

we need Brent to actas normal as possible.

[pouring]

What the hell are you doing?

If I'm going to bethe best goalie,

I have to sharpenall my senses,

including my hearing.

[boomerang spinning]

[whack]

Incoming!

[whack]

Ow! Okay, time out.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I think I found a way to connect these things.

You're just physically connecting them with yarn.

That's not police work.

I see it in police shows all the time.

At least I'm trying,

instead of flipping through catalogues.

Shopaholic.

These catalogues are evidence.

There's duct tape on the covers

that matches the tape on the mannequin.

Hang on...

This page is dog-eared.

I know that skirt.

I don't think women like to be called that.

[sniffles]

Oh, man...

Can you believe Lacey?

If she had it her way,

we'd all be living in plastic bubbles

suckin' soup through a tube.

[sneezes]

Once that allergymedicine kicks in,

it'll just beanother day of you and me

puttin' upwith each other.

Oh, it's already kicked in.

That energy drink must have supercharged it.

My heart's thumpin' like a rabbit,

my fingers are tingly,

my left eye won't focus.

[violent vomiting]

Just what the hellkind of allergies

do you have?

[scanner beeping]

[beeping]

[scanner beeping]

Okay, well,

have a nice day.

Mm-hmm.

Rheena! Duck!

Ha! You missed!

Aren't you supposed to stop these?

Ah, dammit.

[scanner beeping]

Hey, what's the deal?

Well, I further streamlined the system

and eliminated the middle-woman.

Say hello

to Dog River's first self-checkout.

Hello,

and this frees you up

to go say helloto the mop.

But you usually mop.

You usually run the till.

Off you go.

[error beep]

[beeping]

But first come back

and help Phil with the scanner.

[whack] Ow!

Always in the head.

How's it going, Lacey?

You look uncomfortable.

I'm managing just fine.

Oh, look, a french fry.

Shame to waste it.

Ew, gross!

Relax, it's a fry from my own plate

that you just cleared.

Your plateis still beside you.

Oh.

Still doesn't bother me.

Oh...

[gagging quietly]

[yelps]

What are you doing back here?

I noticed that yellow skirt you're wearing

in a catalogue recently.

Buying clothes from a catalogue?

That's kind of a weird thing to do.

Why is that weird?

I order from a catalogue

because I don't like to try on clothes

other people have touched,

which is perfectly normal,

because I'm normal.

And where are these catalogues now?

I put them in the recycling bin.

And I suppose you think

that makes you a good person.

Not particularly.

Well, it should.

Recycling is important.

Looks like another dead end.

We're going to need more yarn.

That does nothing!

[♪♪♪]

[sniffles]

Thank god for thatallergy stuff.

I feel like 100%.

Time for a pocket donut.

Maybe you should eat something

healthier than a donut,

like an apple fritter.

I'm just happy to havemy appetite back.

I feel like I could--

[sneezes]

Oh.

Mm.

Don't wipe that off with your fingers.

Well, that's way worse.

[slurping]

[error beep]

[error beep]

Wanda?

[error beep] [error beep] [error beep]

Wanda!

[scanner beeps]

[error beep]

Wanda!

Hey, what gives?

All the chores I gave you are half finished.

I have to keep helping people with the scanner.

Not to mention a certain boss

keeps hassling me to throw things at him.

I thoughtyou liked that.

Nothing's fun if you have to do it.

Well, getthose things done,

after you stackthe motor oil,

and keep thoseforeign objects coming.

But don't throw any oil cans.

They could do some real damage.

Course not. Wouldn't dream of it.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, that's cheating!

No one said anything about using tools.

Why don't you just admit

you can't live without sanitizer?

You're a gel junkie.

I'm not a junkie.

I just...I'm not like you.

I don't comefrom a long line

of strong prairie women!

You think I'm strong?

Are you kidding?

You're tough and durable,

like an oldcatcher's mitt.

Rugged and leathery,

and this isn't coming out right at all.

My point is, I'm squeamish.

Fine.

Use the stick.

Ugh!

That was cheating,

and disgusting and erotic.

Not erotic. I didn't say "erotic."

[chuckles]

[gags]

Why do I keep doing that?

[sneezes]

Good Gordon!

You treat the world

like it's your own personal petri dish.

You're the one who saidI should eat better.

[cell phone rings]

What do you want?

And who is this?

[quietly]It's Lacey.

I'm callingon behalf of Emma.

She wants you tocome back to The Ruby.

She, uh...

She misses you.

Misses me?

That doesn't sound right.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Emma.

Hand your phoneto Oscar.

[yelps]

[sneezes]

Yech!

Hello?

Stick with Hank.

This isn'tover yet.

Don't comeback here.

Now, that sounds more like Emma.

[♪♪♪]

I really feel like we should warn Brent.

If you care about Brent,you'll keep quiet

so we can use himas bait.

Fill 'er up?

What happened to your head?

Oh, my god,

that psycho killergot to you!

You're luckyto be alive.

I know I am.

Furthermore,

what the hell are you talking about?

Way to keep a lid on it.

We found a mannequin in the woods

that looks like it's been tortured,

and the head of the mannequin has your face on it.

Oh.

Well, that's...

just a little horribly unnerving.

Have you noticed anyone

acting aggressivelytowards you?

Not really.

[whack]

Except Wanda,

but I told her to do that.

[♪♪♪]

Lacey?

What?

You want me to lick ketchup

off some dirty plates?

Maybe stick my face in Lanny's chili?

Do you have any pudding mix?

Oscar put some in my coffee once,

and now I've developed a taste for it.

Ah, sure,

pudding mix in coffee is fine,

but I make a latte once, and everyone freaks.

[gasps]

[dramatic violin flourish]

[sighing] Oh...

Your stupid motor oilis stacked.

What's your deal?

The cops just told me

some crazy person wants to kill me.

You don't have to be crazy to want that.

I'm serious. I'm a little freaked out.

I'm going to need you to pump gas

and finish up the chores.

What?

I can't go outside.

I'm sticking around the till where it's safe.

[error beep]

Oh, you'll also have to help people with the scanner.

Come on!

Look, if someone wants you dead,

it doesn't matter where you're standing.

It's not like your reflexes will save you.

Ah!

Holy crap!

I think fear has ramped up your reflexes.

You're... you're like a ninja!

A trembling, spineless ninja!

Hah!

Ho!

Hey-oh!

[error beep]

Wanda!

Now that Brent's been tipped off,

we have to lock this case up pronto

before he spooks our psychopath.

I bet there's something with this sleeping bag.

If there's even the slightest clue,

no matter how microscopic,

we'll find it.

You mean like this one?

I don't see any hairs or fibres,

but sure, that might be a lead.

Davis...

Hank is our psycho.

[gasps in shock]

[blows a dramatic trill]

Ew.

First you want me to eat fruit,

and now you're buying me whiskies?

Whenever I gotthe slightest sniffle,

my dad would alwayspull out the whiskey

and give me a shot.

I'm not sick.

This is for me.

I'm feeling a ticklein my throat...

[sneezes]

...can't imaginewhere that came from.

Hey! That's my glass.

[spits]

I'm sorry. My bad.

I think it's timewe call it a day.

[♪♪♪]

[humming in contentment]

Wait a minute.

You're not twitchy or paranoid.

What's going on?

Maybe I've just gotten used to working

in a contaminated environment.

The fact that you usedthe word "contaminated"

makes me think not.

Think what you want.

I'm just fine.

[humming]

Die, germs, die!

[groaning]

Well, how wasyour day with Hank?

It was like someone took the sneeze guard

off an "all you can barf" buffet.

And yet you look fine.

See, Lacey?

Oscar was with Hank all day,

and he's fit as a fiddle,

and you handled contaminated stuff all day,

and you're completely fine.

Ha!

I'm fine because

I've been secretly using hand sanitizer

from this bottle I found.

Well, double ha!

I planted that bottle,

and it's just hand lotion.

You mean...

Your hands have been germy this whole time...

but incredibly soft.

I hate to say

I told you so, Lacey, but...

you're a loser.

If it's one thing

this leathery oldcatcher's mitt knows,

it's that a few germs won't--

[Lacey and Oscar both sneeze]

Great...

Let me guess how this ends.

[police siren wailing]

Freeze, sicko!

I'm not sick,I'm drunk.

Well, you'll spend an eternity drunk

and in hell

for what you were planning to do.

What are you guystalking about?

We found evidence

that ties you to a tortured mannequin

we found in the woods.

Someone tortured a mannequin?

That's terrible!

They're so big, and friendly, and cuddly looking.

Cuddly looking?

Why was itin the woods?

Don't they livein the ocean?

I think you're thinking "manatee."

A mannequin is something you put clothes on

and display in a shop window.

Oh, you meana store dummy.

Yeah, I had oneof those last winter.

I was frustrated

that I couldn'tscore on Brent,

so I duct-taped oneto a homemade net

and shot pucks at it.

Huh...

That doesn't explain the sleeping bag

and the catalogues.

I taped cataloguesto its legs

for goalie pads,

and belted a sleeping bagaround its waist

to mimic Brent's girth.

[Brent]: So that's why you could score on me.

Yeah.

It's called practice.

Maybe you should try it.

Oh, I have.

Hey, what do you mean, "girth"?

[♪♪♪]

[error beep]

Wanda, help me out here.

What's this?

A demand for a raise,

since I'm not only a clerk,

but also an IT person.

Hmm.

Well, I have a better idea.

Problem solved.

Here. It's an earlyChristmas present.

A wrist brace?

It's for your carpal tunnel syndrome.

Just as effective, and way cheaper.

Ow!

You don't have to do that anymore!

I know.

Feels great.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know