Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Okay, that'll be--

[yawns]

--$35.00.

35 bucks for toilet paper?

Yeesh, does it also come

with one of those butt fountains?

You know what a bidet is?

Yeah.

I, uh, also know it doesn't cost anything

to run a garden hose through your bathroom window.

That's-- No, that's 3.50.

[yawning] Oh, man, sorry about that.

I have not been sleeping well lately.

Thank you.

Now I'm gonna go take care of some personal business,

and then I'm gonna take a dump.

I wish we sold brain wipes

so I could forget I heard that.

So, why haven't you been sleeping?

I keep having nightmares.

What's a nightmare for you?

Open the fridge,

and there's no cheese slices?

No, it's not that terrifying.

It's just disturbing.

I can't remember all the details,

but they all seem to end

with Michael J. Fox attacking me.

[dream harp strums]

Look, kid,

don't make my boys get tough.

All you gotta do is take dive in the fifth,

and you get a nice chunk o' change.

You get me?

The fix is in, kid.

[locker clanks open]

No one is fixing anything while I'm around, tubby!

[gasps]

And then he said,

"No one is fixing anything while I'm around, handsome!"

and he blasted me with bullets.

He called you handsome?

Yes.

Yes, he did.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

These Michael J. Fox dreams

are really starting to freak me out.

Yeah, they sound horrifying.

Well, see you in five days!

Five days?

Wh-where are you going?

I already told you,

I'm heading to Vegas for the weekend.

How long do you think

a weekend is?

Does it have to be this weekend?

Yeah!

I got a promo code

for Cheap Wing Airlines.

It expires in 24 hours.

I have to book it now.

No way!

You-you can't leave me like this.

My head isn't workin' right.

Look how I stacked the oil!

Just don't make any sudden movements

until I get back.

See ya!

No, you-you can't go

until I can get some sleep.

I can't miss out on a flight this cheap.

Okay look, if I solve your stupid dream problem,

can I go to Vegas?

Yeah, but how are you going to do that?

Dream analysis.

Crack that melon open

and see what nightmare goo leaks out.

You're speaking theoretically, right?

[♪♪♪]

Ow!

There's a loose board on these stairs!

Damn near killed me.

Do it again, and try harder.

Oscar, are you okay?

I think I broke a toe!

Step aside, we got this.

[grunting with effort]

What the hell are you--

Elevate your toe behind your head.

Put this spoon under your tongue.

Stand back!

I need to punch his heart!

Ah!

Get the hell off of me, you jackasses.

He's okay.

You all saw him decline first aid.

I saw him get assaulted by the cops.

Good point.

This is their fault!

Hey!

Oh-ho-ho, man.

Spoon in the mouth, punch in the heart?

You guys suck at first aid.

We don't suck.

It's just been a while

since we took the training.

Maybe it's time you took a refresher course.

We know everything we need to know.

[♪♪♪]

What's up?

Oscar tripped on the stairs,

and I'm not sure what my insurance covers.

Here it is.

So, you, uh, covered for a lawsuit?

No.

Also not covered for anything else.

I let this policy expire.

I have no coverage at all.

Yikes.

Well, big day,

gotta climb up onto the roof and fix the vent,

find the leak in the gas line,

and these knives aren't going to sharpen themselves.

No, no! Just leave it.

You just, uh...

you go sit down,

on a pillow.

[♪♪♪]

[telephone rings]

D.R.P.D.

We'll be right there.

We're here.

What's the problem?

He's over there.

[starts screaming]

I think I broke my leg.

Okay, don't move.

Can you wiggle your toes?

Put your head between your knees.

Do not induce vomiting.

Vomiting?

Wow.

You guys are even worse than I thought.

He's in shock.

Get some soup!

I'm not in shock, and my leg is fine.

This was a test.

A test?

That's a waste of official police time.

I was halfway through a magazine.

Had to prove my point.

You're the only first responders in Dog River,

and our safety is in your hands.

So until you take the refresher test,

I'm gonna keep putting you through my test.

Better stay on your toes.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, tell me about your dreams

so I can figure out what's wrong with you.

Details, go.

I don't recall a lot of detail,

other than Michael J. Fox is very mean to me.

You're mentally blocking the dreams

because you're too uptight.

Here... sit down.

I gotta get you to relax.

[soothingly] Breathe deep.

Calm your mind.

[snoring]

That's calmer than I was intending.

[beeps phone on]

But this gives me the chance to--

Hi, Cheap Wing Airlines?

Yeah, I want to book a flight to Vegas for this weekend,

and I have a promo code. Um--

What do you mean "not valid"?

Okay, what kind of scam are you trying to pull?

Don't give me that fake,

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I'm the last person you want to piss off, lady.

I can be your worst nightmare.

Aah! Michael J. Fox!

[♪♪♪]

And... how are we doing over here?

Shall I clear these plates?

"Shall"?

Sure thing, Shakespeare.

I hope you saved room for dessert.

In fact, Oscar,

how would you like a free pudding?

Damn right I would!

I just need you to, uh, sign here,

and I'll bring it right out.

Why do you have to sign for pudding,

and why are you covering most of it with your hand?

Let me see that.

This is a legal waiver.

It is?

Wha-- that's weird.

Josh, you put some legal stuff in

with the pudding papers!

I've been on the pillow the whole time!

I see what you're trying to do,

and it's pretty low.

Tricking Oscar

so he can't sue you for his sore toe.

Sue you?

Well, hot damn!

I never even thought about suing until now.

See you in court, kid.

Methinks I shall be screwed.

Verily.

[♪♪♪]

[singing] ♪ Money, money, money

♪ I'm coming into money--

Uh, uh, I mean...

Ow. My toe.

I can no longer dance.

Is a life without dancing even worth living?

So he's laying it on a little thick.

Although thick is his default setting.

Please, Emma.

You can't let Oscar sue me.

If he sues you,

it doesn't come out of your pocket.

Your insurance has to pay.

I accidentally let my insurance lapse.

If he sues me now, I'll lose everything.

I'll be destitute.

Well...

I guess totally destroying you

would be a bit much.

Okay, quick,

while it's still fresh in your mind.

What happened?

It was terrible.

Come on, come on, I'm on hold here.

Well, it started with me in an old-timey circus tent...

[dream harp plays]

[♪♪♪]

[humming in concentration]

[gasps] Michael J. Fox!

Nice costume, flabby.

I'm surprised there was enough fabric left over

to make this tent.

[distant crowd shouting]

Why are you doing this to me?

Oh, a frilly umbrella.

Are you a magical British nanny?

Pleased to meet you, Mary Blobbins.

[crowd shouts and laughs]

Whoa, whoa!

I want down!

Why didn't you say so?

[screaming]

Whoa, that is screwed up.

I know.

Spandex is not a forgiving fabric.

These dreams can only mean one thing.

What?

Michael J. Fox is clearly a murderer.

Hand me the phone.

I have to call the Hollywood police.

I can't!

I'm on hold with the Cheap Wing cheapos.

Besides, dreams aren't literal.

Like I don't actually have lobster claws for hands

and live in a pumpkin with Tony the Tiger.

Geez, are you okay?

My point is, they're symbolic,

and I can get to the bottom of this

as long as I stay hyper-focused on your--

[voice on phone]: Hello?

I'm here, I'm here!

You backstabbing pack of thieves.

Do you have children?

I bet you they're ashamed to be related to you.

[sneering] "My mommy is Chief BS Officer

at the Fraud Factory!"

I don't know what kind of two-bit--

Brent!

Have you seen your parents?

Who did?

Your parents!

You have to talk to them.

They're threatening to sue me.

Sure, sure, help yourself.

Are you okay?

Did you even hear what I just said?

Huh?

Oh, hey, yeah, Lacey.

Hey, how do you think I'd look in a onesie?

[groans] I'll take care of this myself.

Just say, good or bad. I can take it.

[♪♪♪]

That was embarrassing.

We can't let Hank get the better of us again.

I'm not going through

that whole first aid manual.

It's as thick as a phone book.

Like a big city phone book,

not Dog River's.

I don't care.

I want to be prepared for Hank's next thing,

so let's bone up.

We can start with "bones."

Or...

We could stake out Hank,

see what he's planning,

and just study up on whatever he's faking.

Then we don't have to learn

how to save people's lives!

That is genius!

Ha ha!

Ow! That hurt my thumb.

Let's see what the book says about thumbs.

I've thought things over,

and you shouldn't sue Lacey.

We don't have to sue her for everything.

We just sue her for a bit of fun.

Maybe get a new boat.

Huh?

[♪♪♪]

Pretty nice boat, eh, Emma?

Nicer than that dinky aluminum job we had before.

You're right, Oscar.

Then again, you always are.

Another boat would be nice.

[♪♪♪]

Where the hell are you going?

You can't leave me here.

Bon voyage, Oscar.

See you on the island.

What island?

Did I forget to say?

Whoopsie!

Full throttle, Carl.

[engine roars]

Pretty appealing notion, isn't it?

Very appealing.

But no!

We can't sue Lacey.

That would be wrong.

Very boat. I mean, wrong.

Wouldn't it?

Yes, I'm still here!

I know, you're sitting right in front of me.

I'm not hanging up until I get some answers.

I've got the coupon in my hand,

and the promo code is right here in big font.

Do you think I can't read?

So, in my dreams,

he's had two weapons that I can remember,

snippers and a Tommy gun.

Wait, didn't we go to high school

with someone named Tommy?

Yeah, he was a real pinball wizard.

Yes, you have my attention!

Pinball?

Oh, hang on, I remember him.

He had such a supple wrist.

Dreams are usually highly symbolic.

What does a gun mean to you?

What? I-I wasn't threatening you.

I was talking to a different idiot.

What's a gun mean?

It means danger.

Reminds me of a bad dream I had

about Michael J. Fox.

Did I ever tell you about that?

Please hold.

[♪♪♪]

Ew, like, what is that?

Blood.

I'm faking a broken nose to test Karen and Davis,

and I need this to be realistic.

What do you think?

[sniffs]

What's it made of?

Maple syrup and cranberry juice.

But mostly pig's blood.

[gagging]

I said it had to be realistic.

There's an emergency at the Foo Mart!

Looks like a broken nose.

Gauze...

[muffled moans]

Peas.

Sticker.

-Yeah... -That's it. -All right.

My goodness, that was impressive.

Yeah, too impressive.

Davis and Karen have never shown up that fast

to anything.

I think those cheaters were following me.

Hmm... [smacking lips]

Tangy.

Well, maybe not to the pig farm.

Ah, that's a relief.

Josh, you can get off the pillow

and bring out the knives!

I'm the proud new owner of an insurance policy.

Oh, good,

now we can sue you.

What?

This calls for a free pudding!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Have your dreams ever been lucid?

I don't know.

Maybe a couple times when I was a teenager.

Nah, that's something else. Also-- yuck.

When you're lucid dreaming,

you're fully in control of your dream.

Well, if I was in control,

Michael J. Fox wouldn't be murdering me.

We'd be doing our own cooler,

funkier take on the Blues Brothers.

What if I tried to put you in a lucid state?

I could help guide you with narration.

Fine, let's give it a go.

[soothingly] Close your eyes,

take a big, deep breath,

and repeat after me.

"I will know I'm dreaming, and take control."

Wanda will know she's dreaming, and take control.

"I" is you.

Now focus, and...

[snoring]

--and we're off to dreamland.

[dream harp plays]

[♪♪♪]

Why am I in a hot rod?

[grumpily] I don't know,

your screwed-up subconscious got us here.

Relax, I'll take the wheel,

Jesus style.

[suspension clunks]

Oh.

Hey there, stranger. [giggles]

Hey, gorgeous, wanna make out?

I consent to this.

[giggling and smooching]

Ow! Hey!

Eyes forward, fatty-o.

[moaning]

Ow.

Aah!

[crashing]

[gasps, startled]

Aw, great, nice driving.

I almost had him to second base.

You were the one

who was supposed to be guiding the dream.

I was,

and I almost had him to second base.

Well, did you gain any insights

from your filthy trip into my subconscious?

Wanda?

Listen to me you soul-sucking, amoral, greasy cog.

I'm not getting off the phone until I speak to a manager,

and don't just put me on hold

and come back on with a different voice.

I'll know, you low-life, two-faced, neck bearded--

[call disconnects] Dammit!

You're quite the poet.

How do you know someone on the phone

has a neck beard?

I can hear it rustling.

[♪♪♪]

You can't sue me.

Why the hell not?

We'd just be taking the insurance company's money.

Don't you want to help out your friends?

In theory,

but I wasn't covered when Oscar hurt himself,

so that money'll be comin' out of my pocket.

What if we redo the injury now,

so that it's covered by your insurance?

Win-win.

That's not win-win.

That's fraud-fraud.

Frog?

I don't see any frog.

I didn't say "frog," I said "fraud."

You mean like Kermit the Frog?

Seriously?

You're just going to pretend you can't hear the word "fraud"?

Is he still dating that karate pig?

She's a handful.

[groaning]

[cackling]

Oh boy, give us a hard one.

Hatchet wound?

Textbook.

Wait just a minute.

Whiskey and a kite...

Hmm, mysterious.

Oh, I have a theory.

The hatchet is just a red herring.

Lin's going to get drunk, try to fly the kite,

and that crazy prairie wind kicks up,

drags her off her feet, breaks her neck.

Hmm, I don't know.

This feels like a Chekov's hatchet situation.

It's too flashy not to use.

[cell phone rings]

DRPD.

[Hank]: Get down the post office, and quick!

This one's a doozy!

Showtime. [starts engine]

I got the gauze ready.

Where's the hatchet wound?

Keep your neck still.

Why?

Will that help my...

gigantic venomous snake bite?

Are you kidding?

Aw, man!

Who gets bitten by a snake at the post office?

This guy.

It was mailed to me by international assassins.

You don't need the whole backstory.

Snake bite.

I know how to handle this one.

You... just have to go suck the venom out.

If you know how to do it, you go suck the venom out.

Dying. Dying!

Very nearly dead,

all because you two didn't know enough

to administer anti-venom,

and now my international enemies

are celebrating my death.

[gurgling]

That foam actually looks real.

Thanks. I gargled with dish soap.

[gagging]

If Hank's onto us,

we're going to have to actually study.

Not necessarily.

He might choke on the dish soap.

Let's see how this plays out.

[gurgling]

[gasping]

[muttering] Put me on hold...

I'll put your heart on hold.

Oh, that sounded romantic,

but I mean it violently.

Hello?

What about my problem?

Your stupid dreams are all over the map.

You fix a fight,

you're on a high wire,

you're driving a coupe...

Nobody could ever make any sense

of that brain porridge.

Fix...

Wire...

Coop?

That's it!

I was supposed to fix the wire on Helen's chicken coop,

but I forgot!

[gasps] ...and then a fox got in and killed them.

So, Michael J. Fox

is haunting my subconscious

as a manifestation of my guilt.

Just like I said.

You're welcome.

Now you know what you have to do

to make this right.

I do,

but I don't want to preemptively kill Michael J. Fox.

No, you promised you'd help someone,

and then flaked.

So just go help someone else,

and you'll be cured.

Oh.

And then it's goodbye, Murder J. Fox,

Hello, Vegas.

[connection beeps]

Hello! You're the manager?

Well, maybe now we can actually get somewhere,

and have a reasonable--

I'm holding the coupon in my hands,

you filthy, lying dumpsack!

Yeah, I'll hold.

[♪♪♪]

Now, just walk up and stub your toe,

and if you happen to fall and crash into the glass door,

great.

Uh... Ow.

Um...

Ow! Ow! That hurts.

That was fake as this marriage is long.

Try again.

I can't do it.

I keep tensing up when I know it's coming.

We need to take this seriously.

How do you treat a victim of electric shock?

Uh... Band-aid?

What about a bee sting?

Band-aid?

What about a sunburn?

Cold Band-aid?

And you are 0 for 3.

Are you sure?

The Band-aid is the duct tape of the medical profession.

I have no idea

how we're going to learn this stuff.

This book is 400 pages long.

[cell phone rings]

[Hank]: Main Street. SOS. Now.

[disconnects]

[both sighing wearily]

[turns on siren]

[Hank]: And... action!

They're everywhere!

They're everywhere!

Every man for himself!

Looting!

What the hell is this?

I don't feel so good.

Wha--what the--

[screaming]

Really?

I'm pretty sure "alien invasion"

isn't in the first aid manual.

I know how to fix this.

Two cc's of coffee, stat.

Let's roll.

Wait.

You have to be prepared for anything!

Anything!

Maybe you could use a push?

All right, that's enough.

Stop this before you actually hurt yourself.

Relax, it's all part of the plan.

Or have you forgotten?

I actually have forgotten. Maybe you can remind me.

We're recreating the earlier accident

to cash in on your new insurance policy,

because that's what friends do.

They wait for their friends to renew their insurance

before they recreate earlier accidents.

[phone chirps] Got it!

Friends also sometimes

record other friends on their phones

admitting to fraud!

You did what?

Give me that!

[thud, crunch]

Aah! My ankle!

My ankle's broken.

Oh, here we go.

The jig's up, Oscar.

We know you're all faking.

[kicking] -Ow!

Say hi to E.T. for us.

[Karen laughing]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

So, when are you leaving for Vegas?

I've changed my mind.

After all that?

You're not gonna let those crooks at Cheap Wing

get away with that phony promo code, are you?

I am.

Because, uh,

it was not a coupon for Cheap Wing Airlines.

It was a coupon

for cheap wings from Foo Mart.

Like... chicken wings?

No, bat wings.

Anyhoo,

have you, uh, decided who you're going to help

to relieve your chicken coop guilt?

Because four out of five psychologists agree,

buying an employee a flight to Vegas

cures a lot of problems.

[distant shouting]

[all shouting at once]

Nope.

You'd better go strap on those bat wings,

because I know exactly who I'm helping.

I'm gonna sue you!

The cops!

These steps!

Oscar, that's enough.

Lacey, Karen, Davis, they're our friends.

Nobody is suing anybody.

Thanks, Emma.

I'm glad we're friends.

Plus, I have you on tape.

Mom, Dad, if you sue Lacey,

I'll never talk to either one of you

ever again.

We're not suing Lacey.

Huh.

Well, when I put my mind to it, I'm a hell of a problem-solver.

Screw you, Michael J. Fox.

Oh, by the way, Brent,

I have a loose board on the stairs.

Could you fix it for me?

Oh, yeah, yeah,

sure, I'll get right on it.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know