Original subtitles

That'll be $5.75.

Mm. Keep the change.

This is a five.

You'll have to forgive Hank.

He failed math four times.

I thought it was three.

See? Sad.

Holy crap!

Look at the size of that spider.

That's not a spider.

It's just paint peeling off the ceiling.

Beside the paint peel.

Holy crap! That is a big one.

God, this place is a dump.

No offence, Phil.

Have you ever thought of renovating?

I just finished!

Blew the budget on the new sign.

[festive jingle plays]

Christmas was nine months ago.

Only three months until the drink special.

It's just so depressing in here.

You should host an event or something

to distract

from how sad this hovel is.

You have a very thick skin.

What do you mean by that?

Phil's had events here before.

[excited banter]

Are these trained rats?

Nope. And they're off!

[panicked screaming]

[chicken clucking]

Your chicken looks sick.

Are you feeding her?

There's a dish of food right over--

Where'd all the food go?

[panicked screaming]

The best event was the last one.

Whoever gets the most rats wins!

Ahh! Rats!

[blows landing as Hank cries out]

Maybe you could host an event

that is non-rat related.

Anything's possible.

♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby

♪ You're so wrong

So, Phil agreed to host an event at the bar,

if anyone is interested.

Sure.

-Why not? -Go for it.

Can I get some crackers?

"Go for it"? Oh, no, no, no.

If you think I'm gonna take the lead on this,

do all the work,

and then beat myself up when it all falls apart,

you've got another thing coming.

The only thing I'd like to see coming

are some crackers.

So don't take the lead.

Why does anyone have to lead anyway?

We can form a committee.

Yeah. We'll all just agree on stuff.

Pfft. Ha! Yeah, right.

Good luck with that!

Do what you want, but count me out.

All right.

-Sure. -Whatever.

Crackers!

So maybe this "committee" should decide

what kind of event you're gonna have?

Maybe a theme party?

Sounds good.

Theme party it is.

You have to pick a theme for the theme party.

How about retro night?

-Nailed it! -Retro party it is. [slurping]

"Retro" is anything that's happened

up until a minute ago.

Be specific.

Like, you know, maybe someone suggests a '70s theme--

'70s theme!

'70s it is!

This committee stuff is easy.

Easier than opening these stupid crackers.

Did you know the average human brain

weighs three pounds?

Yes.

Also, did you know it's a myth

that we can only use 10% of our brain?

We actually use all of it.

Oh, if we use all of it,

then the part of Hank's brain responsible for math

must be missing.

Hilarious.

For your information,

people learn and develop at different times.

I may not have been smart in school,

but now...

my lobes have cortexed

and are set for prime learning.

You couldn't cortex your way out of a wet paper bag.

I wish we had a math test right here, right now!

I'd prove it!

Okay. I can get an exam from the school

and we can solve this argument

and entertain me at the same time.

Heh! Be careful what you wish for, buddy--

Wanda's setting up a math test.

Yeah, and we'll see

which one of you is better.

W-Which of us? Whoa.

Whoa, he's the one who failed.

Well, you weren't exactly

"A Beautiful Mind" in high school either.

As I recall,

Hank got 49%, you got 50.

Yeah, but that 1% is the reason why

I'm a businessman,

and Hank here works with his hands.

And why his shoes are on the wrong feet.

They're the only feet I have, genius.

[chuckles] This'll be sad and fun at the same time.

How was the soup, Oscar?

Fix your crackers!

It's like solvin'

a damn Chinese thumb puzzle.

Yeah! I'll get right on that.

I have a meeting at the cracker company

later today.

Well, I guess the only thing

left to do

is go home and dig out the old hockey jersey.

Why?

For the '70s party!

You know my go-to costume for everything

is Gordie Howe.

Why don't you go as someone else?

People love my Gordie Howe!

I wouldn't say "love."

[♪♪♪]

Move it, baldie!

Claws off my cannoli!

Everyone knows you have to fight

for position at the dessert table.

That doesn't justify what you did

to those people in the corners.

Gordie owns the corners!

This is exciting!

There are so many costume choices

for the party--

Laverne and Shirley, The Smothers Brothers.

I was gonna suggest Bert and Ernie, but...

overdone.

Why are your costume ideas always duos?

Well, we're partners.

Yeah, but maybe, this once, we'd keep our options open.

Okay.

Well, now there are so many options,

I don't know where to start.

[whack!] Eyes on your papers!

Wanda, have you heard any--

Shh, Lacey!

We're in the middle of exams!

Not even gonna ask.

[whispering]: I was wondering,

has anyone sent you an e-vite

or anything for the theme party?

Nope. All I heard

is that it had something to do with 1970.

That's the year the Beatles broke up,

so I assume that's the theme.

Kind of mean-spirited, but what the hell.

Argh! This event is already a disaster.

No communication, totally disorganized.

But you know what? Not my problem.

[chuckles]

Let someone else deal with the mess, right?

Ms. Dollard? Hank is using his fingers to count.

Am not!

[whack!] If you worms don't straighten up,

I'll have you kneeling in a corner through lunch.

[guys]: Yes, Ms. Dollard.

Hmm. Tempted to ask...

Still not going to.

Hey, Emma.

We're looking for costume ideas.

Mind if we go through some stuff in your garage?

Sure. You're not the first ones to ask.

It's amazing how your whole garage

is organized by decade.

Organization is

what separates us from the hoarders.

The '70s shelf is over there.

Who is that?

Doesn't look familiar.

A-ha! There it is!

Oscar?

What the hell are you doing?

I took your advice and changed my costume idea.

I'm Bart Reynolds.

-Who? - Bart Reynolds.

The actor from that movie, uh, "Snooky and the Banjo."

Wow... Not even close.

Just had to find my old cowboy hat

to complete the costume.

Anyway, I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Ladies.

['70s chords strike]

That's a... different look.

Different and kinda sexy.

I'm gonna just go with "different."

So I tried to think of individual costumes,

but my mind kept going back to duos--

music duos.

Simon and Garfunkel,

Hall and Oates.

Peter, Paul, and Mary came to mind,

but then I thought, "Duh, that's the '60s."

Then I came up with the perfect costume.

We go...

as Eminem!

He's an individual, but also a candy.

So... do you want to be Slim Chocolate

or Shady Peanut?

Eminem wasn't around in the '70s.

But M&Ms were.

Why are you being so difficult?

Is it because I keep eating your granola

and blaming it on mice?

-What? -Nothing.

Don't change the subject.

I'm being "difficult"

because I'm tired of us being lumped together.

We work together.

We go to the bar together.

Every time there's a costume thing,

we go as a duo.

Not true.

Last year,

I went as an eagle

and you were... some kind of bug.

We were "the birds and the bees!"

This year, I want to go alone.

Maybe as Wonder Woman.

So what'll I be?

Invisible jet?

[frustrated sigh] You're not getting it!

I am doing my own thing.

Separate from you.

And stop eating my granola!

[slurping]

Eating lunch, are you?

Nothing gets past you.

Well, look at that.

Your hockey jersey was in the load I washed.

Maybe you should wear this to the party.

Nope. As much as I respect Mr. Hockey,

I'm liking my new thing. Heh heh.

But i-i-is Burt Reynolds

really representative of the '70s?

He was in a disco movie called Boogie Nights.

If that's not the '70s, I don't know what is.

Do you need to wear that fake moustache all day?

Yep.

I got the spirit gum and the metal glue

mixed up.

[slurping]

Now you have a noodle stuck in it.

[slurps]

10-4... foxy mama.

['70s chords strike]

I want you both to know

that you're a huge disappointment to me.

-What'd you get? -You first.

I got 50.

I got 51. Boom!

Once again,

the superior mind reigns superiorally.

Ah, don't take it too hard, pal.

Just accept the fact that I'm smarter.

Oh, I accept it.

I also accept the fact that...

I passed!

Whoo!

I'm not a failure anymore!

Well, let's not go nuts.

Outta the way, world!

Egghead comin' through!

Hey, Karen, is there anything I can do

to help with the theme party?

Yeah, you could... um.

Hey, Oscar.

What needs to be done for the theme party?

How should I know? Ask the committee.

We are the committee.

Isn't there a list of things to do?

Maybe we should just suck it up

and ask Lacey for help.

And have her lord that over us

for God knows how long?

Not a chance.

Got any better ideas?

[hushed]: Yeah.

Grab a pen and some paper.

[louder]: Uh, like I was saying,

we should do everything by committee.

It's a piece of cake.

Really? Do you have someone doing decorations?

I'm sure we'll get to that.

Right. What about door prizes? And selling tickets?

[hushed]: You getting all this down?

Get her to rant slower.

Do you have an emcee, by the way? Or music?

A safe-driving program?

Hey, Emma.

You look like you've been pole-axed.

Everything okay?

I'm trying to come to terms

with how physically attracted I am to Oscar.

Whoa! I was hoping you just couldn't find

the ramen noodles or something.

Ever since he changed his hair

and put on that lip-duster,

I've had a powerful urge to do things to him

that you only see on cable TV.

After 10 p.m.

You're married. Just go for it.

I can't. We have

this comfortable understanding

of what we expect from each other

in our marriage.

If I act on these thoughts,

it could destroy our delicate balance.

Just what the hell are you thinking?

Well... [whispering]

Emma--!

[whispering]

That's... tricky.

That's disturbing.

[whispering]

Okay, how big's your bed?

[♪♪♪]

Morning.

Morning. What's in the box?

Not that I need to know.

You're your own individual.

Some costume stuff.

I also brought you some granola.

Sorry I got all snotty yesterday.

Sometimes I need my space.

I get it.

I was just hoping that one day

we'd win a "best duo" costume prize or something.

Maybe one day.

In the meantime,

I have an idea that might make us both happy.

You're not wearing that, are you?

What's wrong with the Flying Nun?

She was good, kind-hearted...

celibate.

I was reading up on this Burt Reynolds fella.

Apparently he posed in the bare nude

for some magazine.

Didn't even wear socks.

At least he should've

covered the business parts with his hat.

Oopsy!

Heaven help me.

Why're you looking at me like that?

I'm done looking.

Oh! Well, wait-- Ahh!

Whoa-ho-ho... Emma!

[♪♪♪]

Hello, Officer Frank Poncherello

from the '70s TV show CHiPs.

Nailed it.

And hello to you...

Florence Henderson.

I'm Hutch!

From Starsky and Hutch.

We both went as cops, but from different shows.

So we're a duo, but different duos.

Cool, huh?

Davis, uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Looks like everything got organized.

Yep, Lacey's rants were angry and specific.

Where is she, anyway?

I don't know.

Who are you?

Mascot guy from Monopoly?

He's not from the '70s.

Then I must not be him,

thereby cleverly side-stepping any legal ramifications.

And what's with the, uh,

baby in the vase?

Oh. The first test tube baby was born in 1978.

[in baby voice]: I'm famous!

You the mother?

Maybe I'm the doctor, you sexist jerk.

But no lab coat or anything?

Maybe I'm the mother, you feminist jerk.

Einstein?

Oh, for the love of--

What? I passed my math exam.

I can dress as a genius.

We're all on the same playing field now, Brent.

Same playing field?

If we were on a plane,

I'd be in first class, drinking champagne,

and you two would be

in the last seat of business class,

one thin polyester curtain away from screaming babies

and two-year-old pretzels.

Yeah, but I'd have the window seat.

You know, I might be smarter at other things.

We could find out.

I ran off a couple other exams

while I was at the school.

Oh, please.

Like I'm not smarter than Einstein--

Uh. Wait. That didn't sound right.

What's the test?

History.

Ha! History.

It's just yesterday's gossip.

Challenge accepted.

Hank beat you.

Woohoo!

Dammit. Einstein's good at history?

I thought he was a space and lasers guy.

...And suddenly she flew across the room at me

like some kind of, uh...

Flying nun?

Don't get me wrong, i-it was nice,

but it was confusing, since today isn't Tuesday.

That's the night we usually wiggle and giggle.

Okay. Uh...

I'm just guessing here,

but I think

that Emma was aroused by your costume.

Or in that moment, lack thereof.

She may have a thing for the Bandit.

You think so?

I mean, I guess you would know,

being dressed like a woman and all.

I'm not a woman, I'm Hutch.

From Starsky and Hutch.

Oh. I thought you were one of Charlie's Angels

from, uh... what's that show?

Lacey, what are you doing cleaning?

Aren't you coming to the party?

The party's actually happening?

Yes, why do you think we're dressed

as a motorcycle cop and a nun?

I assumed the oven cleaner

was making me hallucinate.

It does that sometimes.

Get your costume. Let's go.

I can't! I never thought you guys would pull this off,

so I didn't put together a costume.

Oh, brother. You need to get over yourself.

This town organized things

long before you got here.

Ugh, you're right. I'm sorry.

But I still don't have anything to wear.

I have a costume for you.

Let's go!

[laughter and chatter over background music]

Oh, ho, ho!

This is the best night of my life.

We're still tied.

I won the first test, and you won the second.

So we take one more test.

Why not? I'm bored!

The baby's in the bath.

Why don't we settle this another way?

Hey, how about we armwrestle?

We should do a footrace.

Nope. It has to be a brain test,

something you're both lousy at, like geography.

How do you know

we're lousy at geography?

What's the capital of Michigan?

The lake or the state?

Oh! It's Wolverine.

[slurps]

This'll be a tight race.

Ah, I'll write you up some questions

and give you each 15 minutes

to look at some maps on your phones or whatever.

Agreed!

This is all your fault.

Do you realize what'll happen if Hank wins?

The world we live in will no longer make sense.

Well... maybe if you get Phil to make me another drink,

Momma will slide you some test answers.

Cheating makes losers of us all.

But me less than Hank,

so, Phil, another baby bath over here.

This isn't Wonder Woman.

I never said it was.

[Emma]: If you two will excuse me,

I have a cowboy to tend to.

Decorations,

food...

decade-appropriate music...

A-ha!

You forgot go-go dancers.

Mavis and Helen volunteered,

but we politely declined.

Oh. Guess you guys didn't need me after all.

Gimme a drink, Phil.

Actually, make it a double.

Make it two doubles. [chuckles awkwardly]

Two double-doubles!

Hello, Mr. Reynolds.

Or should I say "Bandit"?

Don't you "Bandit" me!

All that time we're making sexy-sexy,

you're thinking about some movie star?

I'm sorry.

I couldn't help myself.

But even though I was thinking of someone else,

it was still you that I was with.

I don't care about me.

What's wrong with Gordie Howe?

So you're not upset that I fantasized.

You're upset because of who I fantasized about?

Damn right!

Six-time Art Ross Trophy winner.

Most consecutive 20-goal seasons.

He's Mr. Hockey!

[grunts in disgust]

[exhales tensely]: Whew. Um...

This is one of those life-changing moments.

Hank, I hope you're not disappointed

when you find out--

Hank won.

What the hell?

I won?

I won! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm smarter than Brent!

I'm a business-class window!

Aah... tough break, kid.

But how the hell--?

Didn't you--

I'm very confused.

I'm not staying here

when my wife would rather sleep with Burt Reynolds

than Gordie Howe!

Now I'm confused and grossed out.

[slurping]

[rambunctious chatter over dance music]

Woo!

[slurring]: 'Gratulations on your party, Phil.

It's obvious no one needs my help.

So from now on,

I'm just gonna sit it and zip it.

[hushed]: Look...

everything we did tonight

came from a list we made from your rants.

So-- So you're saying

I actually planned this whole thing?

I didn't say that.

But that's what you're saying.

I didn't say that.

[snaps]: But that's what you're saying!

Am I talking loud?

Hell of a night, huh?

Must be a real knock in the 'nads

to find out your dad's a perv

and you're stupider than a stupid guy.

But you gave me the answers.

And... you still lost.

Ouch.

That's gotta sting.

It's too much to process.

You're gonna need to cover my shifts at work

till I sort this out.

Who's gonna cover my shift?

You.

You want me to do double shifts?

I can't trust myself to run the station

if I'm dumber than Hank--

a guy who thinks

it's called "Valentimes Day."

Okay, relax.

I gave you the wrong answers to the geography test

so you'd lose to Hank.

What? Why-- Why would you do that?

Because! You were being an ass about how much smarter you were,

and I wanted to take you down a peg.

But if it means me having to work double shifts,

then screw that!

So the Prime Meridian isn't a Transformer?

It's the equator.

Why don't they just say that, then?

[tap-tap-squeal]

Can I have your attention, everyone?

We're going to start by--

Oh! And apparently Lacey wants to say a few words.

[slurring]: Uh, I just wanted to congratulate the committee

for doin' sush a good job

with all the party preparations...

even though I wasn't involved.

But... come on, huh?

Who're we kidding? Right?

There is a reason I'm dress-up as Wonner Woman

or whoever I am, right?

You know, everybody has a gif--

[thud-squeal]

All right, who told Lacey?

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe you gave me fake answers

so Hank could beat me,

if I may reiterate what we were saying moments ago.

Not only did I have to give you the wrong answers,

I also had to bump up Hank's marks

in order for him to win... by a lot.

Yeah, well, that does make me feel better.

Still... look at him out there.

I've never seen him this happy.

Hey, you guys hear I'm smarter than Brent?

Ha-ha-ha!

He's really smuggin' it up.

Better go out there and bust his balloon.

As much as I'd like to,

I-I can't bring myself to take this from him.

[chuckling]

I heard Hank beat you in the test.

No. Wanda gave him extra marks.

He actually lost... horribly.

Really? Ha! Hey, Hank!

Guess what?

I thought you said

you couldn't take this from him.

Yeah, I said I couldn't.

I have no problem with someone else doing it.

[♪♪♪]

I have a few announcements to make.

First of all,

just a reminder that there's only 85 days left

until the Christmas Drink special.

[festive jingle plays]

Also, the winner of the prize for best costume is...

Won!

Who dressed as seven-time gold medal winner

Mark Spitz.

Anyone have a sweater I can borrow?

And the prize for best duo costume goes to...

Davis and Oscar

as Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson!

I won!

Uh, wait...

I'm not Loni. I'm Hutch.

Shut up. You won!

I did, didn't I?

I won!

[Phil]: Anyway,

thank you all for coming out.

Oh, and can someone please give Lacey a ride home?

[muttering]: I love you too...

[Emma]: I just wanted

to say again how sorry I am.

Gordie Howe

was a good hockey player

and a stand-up guy.

Darn tootin'!

I think I have a way to make it up to you.

Emma!

I'm a big fan of Gordie, but I'm not that big a fan.

Well, to be honest,

I'm a little relieved to hear that.

Oh, whoa! Whoa, whoa.

It, uh, doesn't mean you have to take it off.

Uh, just turn out the lights and come to bed.

Heh-heh-heh. We'll pretend it's Tuesday.

I like the sound of that.

[click]

[chuckling and rustling]

[Oscar]: Watch the elbows.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothing but space

♪ Ooh

♪ It's my happy place