Original subtitles

I think you're making something out of nothing here.

Come on.

Green beans are green, and brown beans are brown,

so why aren't navy beans blue?

Wanda, help me out here.

Sorry. Watching sports.

Rhythmic Gymnastics?

A ribbon on a stick is not a sport.

Tell that to the Armenians,

and then buckle up for war.

Wow, you guys are really into hyperbole.

I just saw the most horrifying thing

any human has ever witnessed.

Are you still upset about your pet turtles?

I told you, Hank,

when two turtles love each other very much...

It's not about Mr. and Mrs. Franklin.

They're married now?

Better be,

if they're doing that under my roof.

No, I just watched a show about world disaster,

and it's got me a little rattled.

Brah, check out all the snow.

Totally weird.

Totally.

Even the water's froze.

[woman]: Whoa, dude.

Like, something totally moved under the ice.

Oh, snap.

We're being attacked by giant ocean mice!

Run, dudes!

Dude... dude!

Dude! Dude!

So many dead dudes.

Um, Hank?

I think what you saw was that Sharknado rip-off.

It's called "Hippothermia."

So none of that really happened,

but more importantly, your turtles are married?

Doesn't matter if it was a movie.

It could happen. Right, Wanda?

Absolutely.

You should go home and lock your doors,

or at least go home.

Was the wedding done by a minister,

or just, like, a justice of the peace?

[kicking him]

What? Were you invited to the ceremony?

♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby

♪ You're so wrong

I can't believe you drink hot beverages in this weather.

Why don't you try an iced coffee?

Because iced coffee is a whatchacallit...

an abomination.

I think we should all appreciate this heat

before we're all walking in a winter murderland.

Are you still on about that stupid movie?

Lacey said it's already happening.

I said a sequel is happening.

Climate's going haywire coconuts.

That's scientific fact,

and one day,

the hippos will come for us.

People didn't believe there were alligators

in the sewers of New York,

and look what happened there.

Nothing happened there.

Exactly.

People stood around and did nothing.

I am way too hung over for this.

Look, the town probably has

an emergency preparedness plan

to handle natural disasters.

Right, Fitzy?

[slurping straw]

Oh, sure.

Um... yeah. Yeah, sure we do.

Okay, I was wrong, and we're doomed.

We're not doomed.

Fitzy's going back to his office

to start on an emergency plan

this afternoon.

Bah! Emergency plan.

Buncha commie do-nothing red tape is all that is.

I'll help you, Fitzy.

I'd rather spend the day mired in commie tape

than mindless rage.

Do what you want, Comrade,

but you'll be doing it without me.

That's the point.

I'll help you guys with the emergency plan.

Well, yippee.

Emergency plan...

pft!

Everyone knows that chaos ensues

in a post-apocalyptic world.

I hear that.

The first thing I would do

as disaster cult leader

is assign everyone an adjective.

Wait, what?

A first name adjective,

like Mad Max.

I'd be Disgruntled Davis.

You'd be Krazy Karen.

I know crazy starts with a "C,"

but in a post-apocalyptic world,

no rules.

No, I mean, why would you be leader?

What about Fitzy?

Seriously?

He'd be the first to get eaten.

[Karen]: Yeah, I could see that.

For sure.

A little garlic, and butter...

mmm...

Looks like you and I

are the only two with our heads on straight.

Impending doom is upon us,

and those stuffed shirts sit around

clucking like a bunch of ducks.

Flock.

Watch your mouth.

I think we need to join forces

to save this town from itself.

Damn straight.

If you and I put our heads together,

what could go wrong?

I can't wait to find out.

[Lacey]: Brent!

The air conditioning unit is blowing warm air.

So the fan is working.

Good news.

You don't see anything wrong with an AC unit blowing hot air

on a hot day?

Well, if you say the word "hot" twice in a row like that, sure.

I asked you to fix it way back in April.

Well, there's your problem.

You told me to do it so long ago, I forgot.

I've got a lot on my mind, Lacey.

Really? Like what?

Like...

making the work schedule,

and remembering when I work on the schedule,

and figuring out why Batman thought it was okay

to have a 12-year-old fight crime with him.

Seems irresponsible.

Ugh! Come on, Brent!

Uh-oh. What's going on here?

Look, just because it's blowing warm air

doesn't mean the air isn't conditioned.

You put conditioner in your hair.

It doesn't make your head cold.

You string words together. Doesn't mean you make sense.

You know what, I don't need to sit around here

being pestered by some harangutang.

Huh? How's that for a word string?

I'm going next door to cool off.

You mean figuratively cool off,

since the air conditioner's broken!

No, I mean literally cool off,

'cause I'm sticking my head in the freezer.

I hope you sit on a popsicle!

I'm sorry you had to hear that, Emma.

That was kind of weird.

Anyway, I best get home and sort my preserves.

It's a big job for one person...

just me... all alone.

Are you hinting that you'd like me to...

That would be wonderful.

Thank you.

I have to make a phone call,

so why don't you go on ahead

and I'll meet you at the house?

You want me to...

Uh-huh, and I'll meet you there.

What the hell just happened?

Why do you assume that you would be leader?

I could lead just as well as you.

Crazy Krazy Karen.

Keep that sense of humour.

It'll be a valuable tool

for disarming hostility in the future chaos.

Wanda,

who would you pick as post-apocalyptic leader,

Davis or me?

Hmm...

well, now, that is a bit of a quandary.

We could ask Brent, but he seems busy.

You'll have to speak up, Mom. I'm in a fridge.

Just me, then?

Okay, well...

on the one hand,

Davis is large, powerful,

and a senior officer.

On the other hand...

Karen's teeth are incredibly white.

Do you floss?

And there it is.

We have our leader,

and he is me, and me is I.

Hey, why so glum?

What do you mean?

You just said Davis is a better leader

than me.

I never said that.

I said he was big and strong,

but he doesn't have your brains, stupid.

Oh.

Outsmart him.

Think of his weaknesses,

and use them against him.

Nothing beats brains.

Without brains,

you're just a couple of meat sticks

wandering around

with an arm-load of groceries.

They're not groceries.

We'll talk later.

They're emergency supplies

for when the world craps the bed.

I'm unfamiliar with that particular disaster,

but it does sound gross.

Oscar and I are building

a shelter so amazing,

you're going to be begging

for the world to end.

I've been doing that since I was 12.

So who's footing the bill?

Put it on my tab.

Brent, you okay with that?

I'm on the phone,

in the fridge!

[Lacey]: Ugh, I can't believe I got conned

into canning in this cold crypt.

[Brent]: Nice word string.

Aah!

Why are you here?

Where's your mom?

Dunno. She told me to meet her here.

[slam]

[Lacey]: Emma? Is that you?

[Emma]: It's not healthy for you two

to fight so much,

so I decided to lock you up

until you resolve your differences.

She has a point.

Bickering doesn't solve anything.

I know I could be more responsible

and proactive.

And I guess I could be a little less demanding.

Well, there it is.

Resolution complete!

We rock.

Okay, Emma! You can let us out now!

Emma?

[vehicle drives away]

Ugh, well, that doesn't sound very good.

Yeah, there's a hole in their muffler...

And it means we're stuck here,

so, yeah, not good.

What'd you get?

Food...

traps to keep animals away from the food,

some bait to trap animals that are food,

and lotion.

Hey, good thinking.

People in disasters always have the worst skin.

Speaking of skin,

when am I going to be reimbursed

for this stuff?

Oh, Oscar.

Money is useless after an apocalypse.

Currency is meaningless when it's raining frogs.

Reminder to prepare for frog rain.

There's no tape in that thing.

It records on a digital chip.

Oh!

Reminder to get digital chips...

and potato chips.

We don't need chips.

We need a shelter to put this stuff in.

See, that's why you're so valuable to the team.

Reward Oscar with a surprise commendation.

I'm re-thinking Disgruntled Davis.

What's another "D" word that best describes me?

I have a few in mind.

Sorry, but I have to do this.

Do what?

Not the butter in the coffee again.

Can I have your attention, please?

As many of you know,

Dog River is in the midst

of putting together an emergency disaster plan.

We're planning a disaster?

There's also been some discussion

about who would be leader in a crisis,

since the general consensus is that Fitzy would get eaten.

[murmuring]

Most of you think Davis would be a good choice,

but consider this short presentation.

[Wanda's voice]: Davis Quinton.

Tall, strong, handsome...

a natural-born leader...

or is he?

Afraid of spiders...

drinks from the carton...

cries at romantic comedies...

believes in Orcs...

spends more time sleeping

than trying to reduce the murder rate.

Davis Quinton.

He snoozes, we loses.

The murder rate is zero.

I didn't know it was going to be this harsh.

I'm Karen Pelly, and I approve this message.

Karen! Karen!

Karen! Karen!

Karen! Karen!

Karen!

[whistling]

Do you have to whistle?

I'm just trying to make the best

of a bad situation,

which isn't that bad, really.

It's kind of cool down here.

There's zero stress.

Jars of mysterious foods.

[sighing]

You're so adaptable.

Sometimes I wonder

how you ever manage to get anything done.

I'm wondering

how you've managed to live this long

and not have your head explode.

I like being proactive

and in control.

And I like being laid back

and rolling with the punches.

I've got a punch you can roll with.

What's that?

Where's Emma?

[Fitzy]: The only emergency plan I found

is from the early 1900s.

All it says is, "May ye find God."

That's a little light on detail.

We should probably make a new one.

They seem to think so.

We have many questions.

And opinions.

And fears.

She's a little rough around the edges.

I've seen smoother edges

on a half-open can of tuna.

She's perfect.

If there's an earthquake,

the walls will wobble without falling.

If there's a hurricane,

the wind will whistle harmlessly

through the many holes,

and if there's a flood,

she'll be easy to tear apart

to make rafts.

How much?

200.

I'm not paying 200 a month

for this bundle of pick-up sticks.

A month?

No, for 200 bucks, it's yours forever.

Does that include parking?

Yeah, sure.

Ooh...

Uhh...

this is what prison must be like.

Where did you get a rubber ball?

Ball?

This is a preserved plum.

You said

that you would try to be more proactive,

so how about you proactive us

a way out of here?

I guess I could use one of these tin lids

to tunnel through this concrete wall...

which is concrete.

Well, at least we're doing something.

Okay, then, here we go.

Scraping a concrete wall.

Next stop, freedom.

[banging]

Shh. What's that?

Is someone there?

Lacey?

What in the Sam Hill

are you doing in the cold cellar?

[Brent]: It's a long story.

And why do you sound like Brent?

Just let us out, please.

I can't. The door is padlocked.

Who locks a cold cellar?

That's what I said.

You sneak in once to eat some peaches...

Ooh, there's peaches in here?

Oscar, try and find some bolt cutters.

Good idea.

We could use those in the emergency shelter.

Bye!

Bye?

What do you mean, "bye"?

At least tell us where the peaches are!

Come on, sourpuss.

So Karen ambushed you with some personal stuff.

Fight back.

I wouldn't know where to start.

Well, that's where I come in.

I'll be right beside you every step of the way.

As the Orcs say, "Goth glah Mere Shklah!"

You just said "Sing fish house."

I know.

Something to think about.

I didn't think being stuck in a cold cellar

could get any better,

but now, peaches.

Lovely.

How's the scraping going?

Not sure.

Can you shine some light over here

so I can see?

Holy! What flashlight app do you have?

Oh.

[laughing] Brent!

We're free!

Actually, you're free.

My gut tells me I'm staying here.

I feel bad leaving you behind.

Hey, partner.

Davis, look, no offence about earlier today.

Do I look upset, sitting here drinking cream...

from a glass?

[murmuring]

I can't help but notice

that you eat a lot of bananas.

So I like bananas.

Sure.

It's just that they'd be hard to find after an apocalypse,

and I'd hate to see what kind of leader you'd be

when you're low on potassium.

[murmuring]

What happens when you're low on potassium?

I heard you lose all sense of right and wrong.

Karen eats all kinds of fruits.

She's a good customer.

So I guess it's safe to assume

that she's in bed with business owners.

Oh, come on!

[murmuring]

When I say she's in bed with business,

I mean that figuratively.

Or do you?

Or do I?

Davis!

And she litters!

All in favour

of voting by secret ballots,

raise your hand.

Shouldn't we decide that by secret ballot?

Okey-dokey,

close your eyes and raise your hand.

Dear God.

Emma!

Lacey? How did you...

I mean, I was about to go check on you and Brent.

Really?

Because it doesn't look that way.

Fine.

I had no intention of letting you out

until after the meeting.

Why?

Why don't you want me here?

Because every time you're at a meeting,

you take over, and pretty soon,

no one can get a word in edge...

That's not true.

Is it? Fitzy?

I'm just trying to help get things done

and make sure everything is under... control.

Ah.

Maybe I do need to step back.

Please don't.

We'd prefer you to stick around for this one.

Are there any questions for Lacey?

Is an alien invasion a disaster?

What about a zombie apocalypse?

Who will compete for our district

if there's a Hunger Games?

O...kay.

All really good questions that I'm...

going to step outside and think about.

Coward!

Hey Mr. Too-Big to-Fit-Through-a-Window.

Ouch.

Sorry, that sounded meaner out loud

than it did in my head.

That's okay, but for the record,

I prefer "Husky-pants."

Did you forget something?

I did.

I forgot how good peaches taste with...

whipped cream!

Aah!

I knew you'd be excited.

Yeah.

Also, I think something crawled across my foot.

[squeaking]

There you are.

I was starting to think you collapsed somewhere

from lack of potassium.

Look, I appreciate your help today,

but I am done lobbying.

If the public thinks I'm the right choice,

then I hope they come to me.

Why don't you give them a reason to come to you?

Like what?

Well, when a natural disaster happens,

people feel scared.

They need comforting.

I guess.

How do I do that?

Think back

to a calming influence in your life,

and use that.

Deep breaths.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Release all tension.

Steady your hands.

Now snip the red wire.

That was the green wire.

You've killed us all.

I wasn't expecting bomb diffusion,

but sure, run with that.

Hey, Karen, do you have any spare stun guns?

[deep breathing]

Come on, I just want the spare ones.

Mm, maybe you're onto something

with this relaxing thing,

and these peaches are a delight.

Sorry I took the last jar.

You didn't.

There's a whole bunch over there.

[Lacey]: Those are the spoiled ones.

Uh-oh.

Seriously?

They were green and fizzing.

I thought they were carbonated!

[stomach rumbling]

Oh, boy.

I need to get out of this cellar, pronto,

or what happens next

could really test our friendship.

[snoring]

Davis!

Aah!

What are you doing sleeping?

This is my nap time. I've earned it.

Besides, I've got this leadership thing

in the bag.

Nothing's in the bag.

You don't even have a bag...

metaphorically.

As leader, people will always be looking to overthrow you.

You fall asleep,

and the next thing you know...

I bet someone's watching right now.

They are?

Trust no one.

Hey, Davis.

Aah! What do you want?

Who sent you?

I need to borrow your hockey equipment

to use as armour.

Oh.

It's in the trunk.

[trunk popping open]

Phew! Holy Dinah!

Smells like a chicken coop full of fish guts.

Whoa, you were in the men's room a while.

How are you feeling?

Like a football stadium after the game ends.

Every exit is busy.

Well, I'll say this.

You can be pretty proactive

when you need to.

You two seem to be getting along better.

Maybe locking you up

wasn't a bad idea after all.

No, it was a terrible idea,

even if I did learn a lesson from it.

I learned fuzzy peaches good,

fizzy peaches bad.

What's up with Davis?

What are you looking at?

He looks tired.

He looks crazy.

More crazy than tired.

[Karen]: Hello, my children.

Karen.

You look... different.

More crazy than different.

[dreamily] I just want you to know

I care about you all deeply.

Not the best time to give me a squeeze.

Karen's acting strange.

Probably her potassium levels.

[whispering]

All right, knock it off!

Karen doesn't have a potassium problem,

and she's not in bed with anyone.

Well, this is new.

She's a damn good cop and my partner,

and if being apocalyptic leader

means that we have to rip each other apart,

then I don't want the job.

[dreamy] I don't want the...

[clearing throat]

[normal voice] I don't want the job either.

Let me buy you a beer, partner.

[Wanda]: There you have it, folks!

The only real choice for apocalyptic leader

is me.

And why is that?

Because I spent the entire day

pitting Karen and Davis against each other

until they snapped like Brent's waistband

at a pie-eating contest.

That happened one time!

Actually, Wanda,

I think you're a poor choice.

What? Why?

You're a bit underhanded.

Insincere.

Kind of short.

We need someone who's fearless.

Well, I heard Brent was poisoned

and chewed his way through a concrete wall

to survive.

Well, there it is, then! Brent for apocalyptic leader!

[cheering]

Good luck.

You'll all be dead on day one.

If you're going to be leader, then what about Fitzy?

If you want to eat me,

you're going to have to catch me first!

[chuckling]

What?

Geez, we missed a lot in the cellar.

[murmuring]

Our apocalypse committee has determined

there are four possible plans in any disaster scenario...

seek higher ground,

seek lower ground,

go underground,

or crawl up a tree.

Well, that is comprehensive.

[laughing]

Isn't that delightful?

Where the hell have you two been?

While you lily-skinned scholars

were lollygagging,

Hank and I put together

the best damned emergency shelter

your useless money can buy.

We have every supply you can think of.

You hung bear traps on the walls?

They're pre-set to save time.

And are those boxes of fireworks?

To signal rescue crews.

Plus, super fun, am I right?

And you just figured,

"Hey, let's stack them by the fire"?

We're not stupid.

We kept the fireworks away from the propane tanks.

Which you placed beside the flares,

because "not stupid."

I'll take you to the back

where we store the fuel buckets.

[blowing] No need. We're all impressed.

You've created something 90 times deadlier

than nature could ever imagine.

We should go.

Aah!

What?

Thought I saw a spider.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothing but space

♪ Ooh

♪ It's my happy place