Original subtitles

So many careers to choose from!

I'm most excited about the scientist.

Scientists are truly working on the front lines of discovery.

Working on the front lines of discovery...

is not what I do.

All the good stuff... that's all done by computers now.

Oh.

I see lots of cute animals every day.

And I put almost all of them to sleep.

No matter how much I shower,

I smell like I'm wearing a flea collar.

I got into being a cowboy because it was manly.

But, ironically, the harsh bumping of the saddle

has destroyed my dick and balls.

I'm so tired of candy.

Sometimes late at night, I go to the kitchen

and I eat spoonfuls of salt.

I don't love my wife anymore.

Because of the candy?

Yes.

BOY: A real astronaut!

Okay, so, I'm not an astronaut.

- Oh! - I'm a radio engineer.

- [grunting] - That's right... radio.

Does anyone here listen to radio?

Free radios, kids! Give it a try!

It's like podcasts,

but it works around our schedule, not yours.

My show is the morning-drive time,

every day on WLNG 98.2.

And if folks don't start listening,

I'm gonna be homeless.

[squeaking]

[patriotic music plays]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Is something the matter, Steve?

You've barely touched your canned corn and cornballs.

I think it's that dang career fair got me down.

All the adults... their lives seemed so sad and small.

Oh, you must have misheard them.

Being an adult is great.

Oh! What's great about it?

Well, there's, uh...

You're peppering me with questions.

Meanwhile, my corn's getting cold.

You know, I picked my career

at my high-school career fair.

Housewife?

Circus manager.

But... but you're not a circus manager.

It's a long process.

I-I think she has stopped talking.

I don't have a career, but Teddy Sraberg sure does.

I'm Teddy Sraberg.

I work in the adult-film industry,

but I don't do sex acts yet.

I drive the BangVan.

You know, the gray Econoline that cruises around

while hard-bodies bang in the back.

I didn't know you worked for the 'Van!

Ever since I got banned from MILF Catcher,

that's been like my main thing!

Do you want to know what I did to get banned

from looking at a porn site?

It's bad.

♪ Cilantro es cantante ♪

♪ Cilantro es muy fam... ♪

♪ Pizza overlord ♪

Ow-ow-ow-ow! Rocking Ronnie here

- hittin' you with... - [static]

A career, a job... that's all there is?

MAN: You might think that's all there is.

Live, work, die.

But that's not true.

I'm Palmer Elymas,

and this is The Wondercabinet,

an exploration of the hidden mysteries of the universe.

On tonight's show, the pineal gland...

a small sac of fluid located in the center of the human brain.

The third eye.

The Ancient Egyptians believed

you could vibrate the pineal gland,

allowing the consciousness to move any direction

in space and time... astral projection.

And every vertebrate in the world has a pineal gland,

except one, the hagfish.

You are not a hagfish.

I'm not a hagfish.

PALMER: You're not!

The powers that be have just gunked up

our pineal glands with fluoride.

Mm, fluoride. I don't know.

PALMER: Skeptical?

Listen to this esteemed list of people

who believe in astral projection.

Ric Flair,

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake,

one of The Bushwhackers,

and René Descartes.

[gasps]

As you all know, I astral-project frequently.

I've gone to the time of dinosaurs.

No feathers, by the way.

Scientists get it wrong again!

I've watched the collapse of the last bit of matter

in the universe at the end of time.

I know who Banksy actually is.

It's "Captain" Lou Albano.

He's not dead, by the way.

Scientists get it wrong again, again!

You want to see the wonders of the universe?

Just put out your crystals, vibrate your pineal gland,

and... snap... you're off.

Since all my listeners are now successfully

astral-projecting,

I'll take this private moment

to say a shameful secret.

I have, in the past,

treated the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

as pornography.

Excuse me. Are you Mr. Sraberg?

So you're my trainee,

here to learn how to drive the famous BangVan?

Yeah. [chuckles] I mean, I'm hoping

to get in the back seat at some point,

do some acting, you know?

Get in line.

I've been the driver forever,

so if anybody's getting that tap on the shoulder, it's me.

Beautiful street, right?

It's not just the humping people enjoy.

It's the scenery going by the windows.

- [woman moaning] - It's a huge part, I believe.

- Shhhh! - Shh!

Just because you work in a BangVan

doesn't mean you can't be professional.

Rule number 1... eyes on the road.

You're gonna be tempted to sneak peeks in the mirror,

but don't do it.

- [moaning in back seat] - Oh, damn, that's hot!

Wow. Guys, I ran a red just then.

Is this meth, Steve?

It's my rose quartz... to relax my neural pathways.

I've been listening to this radio show hosted by Palmer...

Radio is dead, Steve. Stern is on SiriusXM now.

Astral projection?

Oh, Steve, that's New Age garbage.

And a book? When TV? What are you thinking?

Palmer says everyone used to astral-project,

until our pineal glands got gunked up with fluoride...

The pineal gland is a myth!

Well, no one disputes the pineal gland exists.

People just aren't sure what the gland does.

Gland this, gland that. Let's not talk about glands.

Let's talk about careers.

You could be anything, Steve.

Why, you could be an endocrinologist,

whatever that is.

That's... Are you...

That's a doctor who studies glands.

There's that word again.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to forbid you

from listening to that radio show.

But he's the only adult I know who has

any wonder in his life!

Pff! You don't need astral projection

to have wonder in your life.

Okay. Then where do I find it?

Um, um, look, you know I know the answer,

but, uh, I'm tired, you're tired,

and I don't want to be up all night explaining

it to you when you're not gonna get it.

Now go to sleep and have sweet dreams,

or we're gonna have big problems, mister.

- It's 4:30! - [door slams]

Stupid Dad. Gah! I'm shaking with anger.

Whoa! Whoa! What's happening?

MAN [muffled]: Help me! Oh, God!

Help me!

DJ KAREN: Hi. I'm DJ Karen Shipley,

filling in for Palmer, who suspiciously didn't show up.

-Oh, my God! -DJ KAREN: It's unlike him,

and he hasn't returned any of our calls.

But, anyhoo, I'm just gonna play

"I'd Really Love To See You Tonight."

I think... I think I astral-projected!

And... and that room.

That must have been where Palmer is.

He was calling for help.

I have to save Palmer!

♪ Not much, how about you? ♪

As soon as they play a bad song.

♪ I'm not sure why I ♪

Thank you all for coming so quickly.

I apologize for the late hour.

If we're aiming to party,

look what Barry got his little hands on.

My dad's friend left his fringe jacket at the house,

and this was inside.

Palmer Elymas is in trouble, guys.

Palmer Elymas?

That's your talking goldfish, yeah?

He's the host of The Wondercabinet.

Someone's attacking him or kidnapping him.

He... he knows too much. He's saying too much.

About who?

Big Fluoride!

Should we call the police then?

We can't call the police.

You're damn right!

Not when I have this much party powder on me.

I guess we can hide it in our noses.

The police will never believe me.

I only know Palmer's in trouble because...

I astral-projected.

You what?

Everything Palmer said is true!

I actually left my body and traveled

to what must be Palmer's house.

You want us to go to some guy's house?

He's the only one talking about how incredible

life can actually be.

The radio station has to have his address.

To the bikes!

No one wants my cocaine.

Feel like a frickin' idiot!

[knock on door]

Hey, Steve.

Sounds like you're watching Revenge of the Nerds in here.

Let's start from the begi... He's gone.

Initiate Expert Tracker mode.

This open window is the perfect place to stand

and wonder how he got out.

We've got to get there fast!

Let's cut through the cemetery!

I say we cross the playground where we saw that condom,

then shoot down Mohawk Drive.

Mohawk... perfect!

The tree roots pushed up all the sidewalks,

turning them into little ramps.

Since time is of the essence,

we'll only take five minutes

to do totally sick bike jumps.

- 10. - Deal!

- 15! - Even better deal!

- [tires squeal] - Whoa! That guy almost hit me!

- [moaning in back seat] - I mean, I know it's my ticket.

It's just... boy, you know, I don't make much,

and this big number here... that's got me sweating.

What does everybody in the back think?

It... it should be me that pays it

'cause I'm the one that ran the red?

CAMERA OPERATOR: Quiet, Teddy!

Hey, new guy, you ready to jump back here,

show us your stuff?

Yes, sir!

WOMAN: Ooh!

Are you [bleep] kidding me? I quit!

- [crashing] - Good luck getting people

to watch sex in a parked van.

[moaning in back seat]

I'm unquitting because this just proves

someone from up here can actually make it back there.

CAMERA OPERATOR: Shut up, Teddy!

STEVE: The radio station.

Palmer's home address has to be in there.

We've just got to get past the guard.

Let's forget this radio-station business

and get a little high?

Get high! That's it!

There's a door up on the roof of the radio station.

We just need to build a big-enough jump.

A jump, you say?

- Here goes noth... - GUARD: What do we have here?

We're busted!

You little troublemakers are going away for a long...

A ramp?!

I haven't gone off a ramp since I was a kid!

Watch this!

Time to fly like an eagle, baby!

[grunts] I broke my ass!

I'm so embarrassed!

They're gonna put me in a big plaster diaper!

Oh, no!

[mellow music playing]

WILLIAM: You came!

You're interested in radio!

Don't push me into the closet I sleep in!

[pounding on door]

Palmer Elymas... the Vista View Apartments on Third Street.

Mm, is there someone special you'd like

to dedicate this love song to?

BARRY: A very important woman in my life.

Just thinking about her makes my heart race.

Love is just so, so special.

She's a cartoon bird with big, red lips

that's in these car-insurance commercials.

DJ KAREN: She sounds incredible.

Here's Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love"

from The Karate Kid II soundtrack.

[tires squeal]

This tree is dry.

The roots have been squeezed of moisture by kids

doing jumps off the sidewalk.

Four kids to be precise... three normals and a large.

- [vehicle approaching] - They're heading east.

Whoa! This guy's driving on the sidewalk!

And I'll tell you something else.

- [moaning in back seat] - People want to see someone

with a little paunch, a guy who works for a living

have sex in the van.

Fine. Let's go.

R-R-Right now?

- Yes. - But... but who's gonna drive?

We'll park.

P-People need to see the trees going by.

Tonight or never.

Okay, okay. But I'm frizzing out.

At least let me wet down my hair in a gas-station bathroom.

You've got to let me make it nice.

Please!

Hmm. Makeshift ramp, a loser with broken butt.

I've solved it.

This fool was trying to relive his youth.

Maybe to impress some kids?

Judging by how dry his mouth feels,

I'd say the boys left here about 45 minutes ago.

Get your hands out of my mouth!

If you're looking for those boys, they went...

Stop! I want to track them only by seeing

how moist things are.

[moaning]

Okay, best-case scenario, Palmer's tied up inside.

So we can't just knock on the door.

[knocks on door]

Barry, no!

What if the agents of Big Fluoride are...

Palmer? Y-You're okay!

I thought something happened to you.

Something did happen to me!

I have a toothache, which is crazy,

because I wipe my teeth with a hand towel three times a day!

Uh, how do you know who I am?

From The Wondercabinet. I'm a fan.

And guess what.

I astral-projected right into your apartment.

Where... where are the astral charts?

Where are the crystals?

It's just a bunch of posters of... race cars?

Yeah! You can't even drive

this one on the street it's so fast.

I-Is there another room?

Another room?! I work in radio.

Who do you think I am? King Ralph?

I astral-projected!

Really? That's wild!

I'd love to do that.

But... but you have.

You said so on your show.

I just made that up.

So I didn't astral-project.

And you're just another sad adult.

I am so sick of sad adults!

Aah!

My Lamborghini Veneno!

Steve, he's okay.

Why are you so upset?

We're supposed to pick a path,

but they all lead to the same place...

a small, sad life!

I thought there was another way, but there isn't!

STAN: They should call you boys Hurricane Katrina,

'cause you've been leaving water all over town.

And you!

You want me to live the smallest, worst life of all...

yours!

You're a hagfish!

Aaaaaaaah!

Whoa! Is that his pineal gland?

Steve!

♪

♪

The astral plane.

I'm here.

Oh, God, I'm actually here!

It's real!

Okay, how does it work? How does it work?

I should be able to just think of a place and go, say Paris.

- [French accordion music plays] - Magnifique!

I can go anywhere, even Chimdale.

Wow! Chimdale!

It's like Paris on steroids.

It's all so beautiful! I want to see everything.

I want to see everything Palmer lied about getting to see,

to every time and every place,

to the last moment of the universe!

Sad ending.

Got to stop reading the last page of a book first.

Now show me dinosaurs!

Incredible!

The feathers are so unpleasant, though.

[roars]

[Steve gasps]

Bu-gawk!

Oh, just awful.

Now show me everything!

♪

[toilet flushes]

There we go.

Hey, you're great.

You're a nice guy.

People want to see you do things.

Did you get in shape the way you wanted?

No, of course not.

Did you eat like you were an actor trying to gain

100 pounds for a role?

Yeah. So what?

Now are you ready to smash? Yeah.

I said, are you ready to smash?!

Yes! Let me really hear it.

I'm gonna smash!

Yeah!

No! H-Help!

Can anyone hear me?

CAMERA OPERATOR: Where the hell is Teddy?

I'm in here! My hair is wet.

I'm ready for sex!

TRAINEE: You know, I was thinking,

what if we just used a green screen

instead of driving around all the time?

No! That's terrible!

CAMERA OPERATOR: That could totally work.

No! Why can I hear you and you can't hear me?!

TRAINEE: We wouldn't need a driver at all!

I'm having a panic attack!

[gasping]

[chuckles]

Well, Roger's at it again.

What next?

Oh!

That strange room.

I forgot about that.

If it wasn't Palmer's room, what was it?

I'm back! This is it!

But where is this?

Let's take it back in time.

It's Dad's study.

Where are you?

Where did you go?

♪

[sobs]

Help me!

Oh, God, help me!

Dad was the one calling for help...

to save me.

[gasps] Steve! You came back!

Be careful. That's Waterford glass.

I've traveled so far, Dad,

to every corner of this universe.

I've seen so much.

Did I end up getting cast as Hamilton

in the movie version of Hamilton?

No.

Well, I owe Tuttle a million dollars.

There's something I need to say.

No. You're back.

We don't have to talk ever again.

I apologize for calling you a hagfish

and saying your life was small,

for thinking anyone's life was small.

I wanted something infinite, but I didn't realize

I had it right here.

A love so big it moved us across time and space

to find each other.

Is that what you couldn't figure out how to say, Dad?

Is that what you wanted me to understand?

No. That's stupid.

And even if it was what I felt,

how dare you say it out loud.

Don't touch me.

Get away from me!

What's say we pop open that third eye,

do a little astral projecting together.

[laughs]

I'm haunting my own house.

Boo!

Boo!

Dad, I told you they can't see us.

What's the point then? This sucks.

I'll show you something that doesn't suck.

Whoa! Chimdale.

Now, this I could get used to.

Right?!

Bye! Have a great time!

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