Original subtitles

- It's a conspiracy, that's what it is.

Well I ask you, how can you keep your mind off it

if it's being flung at you every moment of the day?

Well I wouldn't find it so bad if I could ignore it.

But I just can't convince myself,

that what's under there isn't worth all the fuss that's made of it.

Oh I know, I know, it's all part of the scheme of things.

But I get sometimes like if I get up to one of them

and there they are, falling out all over the place.

And isn't that the point of it? To get a fella feeling that way?

Of course I didn't really do it,

but otherwise I wouldn't be here would I?

I'd be in the can.

You know, I reckon I might be a bit of a nutcase.

Nothing serious, just every now and then

some sort of fleeting mental aberration.

I say that's a very nice see-through I'm getting.

- Oh I didn't think anyone would notice.

I've been wearing it for days, and nobody's said a thing.

- And that's a very nice pair of breasts you're wearing too.

- Oh do you like them?

- I should say I do, very well moulded.

- Thank you.

- I find them very disturbing,

very provoking.

- Provoking?

What way?

- But it wasn't like that at all was it?

Nah.

Gee they're nice tits.

(smacking)

(popping and hissing)

I'm gonna give it all away.

Here's to my resolution for the sexless 70s.

(knocking)

Er, sorry about that.

- I was wondering if I could borrow some sugar?

I just moved in next door and I'm a bit disorganised.

- [Alvin] If you borrow someone's sugar, naturally you have to return it.

That's honesty for you.

- Your sugar. - Thanks.

- All that fuss and I had some all the time.

Hey you know, your flat and mine are absolutely identical.

Isn't that spooky?

Except for the colour of the walls.

Mind if I look around?

- Must be lonely your first time in a place by yourself.

- I don't think any of us were designed to live alone.

- It's such a hassle sharing a place with other people.

- Depends on the person.

Some people can get away with anything.

Other people can annoy you like mad,

just by leaving the top off the toothpaste.

- Do you leave the top off the toothpaste?

- Never.

- I'm glad to hear that.

- I lead a very well-ordered life.

- Good for you.

- You putting me on?

- No I'm not.

I'm always being accused of that, but I'm not.

- I wouldn't put it past you.

I'm the easiest person in the world to send up.

You know, I haven't told anybody this,

sounds crazy, but I'm still afraid of the dark.

- Big girl like you?

- I'm only big on some things.

- Being what you very well might ask?

Which I didn't very well ask.

But look at the position of the skirt

and the position of the hand.

That's right, those things are very important.

Now what happened was very logical.

If anything that happens on a couch can be said

to be logical.

Would you like a cup of tea or something?

- If you like.

I'm really very comfortable.

You've got lovely teeth.

- They're not bad are they?

I get them cleaned every six months,

that nasty scaly stuff,

tartar they call it.

- On the back or the front ones?

- Yeah that's right only,

it's not a very nice subject for conversation is it?

Bit hard to take.

- I'm not finding anything too hard to take.

- [Alvin] And on those memorable lines

we kissed goodbye to the sexless 70s.

(tense music)

(upbeat music)

♪ Alvin, make him leave bye-bye ♪

♪ Alvin make him sing ding-a-ling why oh why ♪

♪ Alvin make him cry ♪

♪ Alvin, make him laugh hello ♪

♪ Alvin, make him high give him a sign you'll go ♪

♪ Alvin don't let go ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Try to avoid it just resisting now and then ♪

♪ If you'd only try to understand no there you go again ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

- Who said?

(girl mumbling)

- [Girl] Alvin!

- Oh g'day.

- What are you doing?

Any chance of coming home and helping me with my fridge?

- Go away Peggy.

- I wasn't talking to you.

Will you Alvin?

- I've gotta help Shirley here first.

- Oh that's all right, I mean afterwards.

- I told you to go.

- Let go.

- Leave us alone.

- You'll get pregnant you know?

- And won't you be jealous?

- Let go!

- [Alvin] Well I've done,

I've been helping them with their homework.

- [Man] Really?

- [Alvin] Yes, sir.

- Well in view of your own scholastic attainments

you think it's a good idea for you to help them?

- Well it's only since I've been helping them sir

that my works gone off.

- Well it's none of my business I suppose

but something else you're doing to help these girls.

Just remember, you can't make a career of it.

- Yes sir, thanks very much for the advice Mr. Horwood sir.

- Would it help in any way if I

were to let you out early each day?

Say, five minutes?

That way you could give them the slip.

(bell dinging)

(upbeat kooky music)

(girls shouting over each other)

- Darling, tell me more about this Alvin.

(clears throat)

- What?

- Alvin Purple isn't it?

You say that half the girls at school are,

well you can't just leave it at that.

- Why not?

- Well I mean, if it's true, it's

fantastic.

Would you like a lift?

- Oh that's very kind of you Mrs. Horwood

but isn't it a bit out of your way?

- Oh that's all right, I'm not in a hurry.

- Oh right.

Yeah thanks very much.

(engine revving)

Maple Avenue isn't it?

- [Alvin] Yeah that's right.

- Mr. Horwood's told me quite a lot about you, Alvin.

How he has to let you out of school early.

You should get yourself a bike.

- I'm saving up for one.

- Good.

- I'm only 10 quid off.

- Well that shouldn't take you long then, should it?

- Oh I don't know, I'll need to get some jobs after school.

They've taken the short cut.

- Quick, duck down.

Mr. Horwood lectures in town on Thursday.

He lectures two nights a week too.

Go on, help yourself.

I always tell him he works too hard,

but he must always be on the go,

never seems to be able to relax.

How old are you Alvin?

- 16.

- I'm 28.

- 12 years older.

- 12 years isn't very much.

You find it goes by in no time at all.

Go on, have another slice.

- Thanks.

- What do the other boys think about them?

The girls chasing you I mean.

Don't you discuss it with them?

- Nah.

- You don't talk very much do you?

- Nah.

- I don't suppose you'd even bother to mention

that you'd been here.

- Why should I?

- Well some boys talk a lot.

They boast.

They even make up things to boast about.

I should think you'd be pretty good

at keeping secrets though.

Would I be right?

- Depends.

- Well I think you'd better go now Alvin.

Those girls would have gone by now surely.

It's been very nice meeting you Alvin.

- Yeah.

- Pop in again.

- I'd like to.

- Anytime after school.

- Okay.

- Oh and about that extra money you need for the bike.

If I hear of any jobs going,

I'll let you know all right?

- Oh I'd like that, thanks Mrs.Horwood.

- Goodbye Alvin.

- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- Bye.

- Bye, thanks for the lift.

- That's all right.

- And thanks for the cake too.

- That's all right too.

- Bye.

(crashing and rattling)

- Oh, Alvin.

(dogs barking)

- Bye. - Bye.

Mind the ladder!

(crashing and scraping)

- Bye. - Bye.

(crashing and scraping)

- God!

- Oh you poor thing.

You hurt yourself?

You all right?

Do you think I should have a look?

(kooky music)

(humming)

♪ Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away ♪

(girls yelling)

(playful upbeat music)

- [Girl] No, stop, Alvin!

(bell ringing)

- [Mrs. Horwood] Oh, Alvin.

- [Alvin] Oh, Mrs. Horwood.

- [Mrs. Horwood] You're a big boy for your age.

You'll soon have to start shaving everyday, wouldn't you?

(kooky music)

(ringing)

(ringing)

(ringing)

(crashing)

(knocking)

(creaking)

♪ 21 today, 21 today ♪

♪ He's got the key of the door ♪

♪ Never been 21 before ♪

♪ Kings will say you can do what he likes ♪

♪ So shout hip hip hooray ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ He's 21 today ♪

(cheering and clapping)

- I've always impressed on young Alvin

the value of a variety of experiences.

And as he's had 11 jobs in the past two years

you can't say that he's exactly ignored his father's advice.

I think he's beginning to learn

that in today's world you must specialise in something

or you won't get very far.

It's your life, Alvin.

And this is my last piece of advice to you.

There are openings everywhere for the right man.

Find out what you want to do

and then extend yourself.

In this world, there's no one who can afford to be slack.

(crowd laughing)

- Extend yourself, Alvin!

(crowd chattering)

- Ed, I'd like you to meet Alvin.

Ed's in mining in the west.

Got a very healthy little business going in Kalgoorlie.

- Hello, Alvin.

- G'day.

- What are you working at now?

From what your father tells me

you seem to have a pretty big turnover, meaning jobs.

- Well actually at the moment, I'm,

- Unemployed.

- [Dad] Keeping his options open.

(laughing)

- Well I know how you feel.

I couldn't settle down at your age.

- Well I'd be quite willing to settle down

as soon as I find something that really suits my,

- Special talents.

- What are your talents, Alvin?

- Well that's just it,

I'm not really sure.

- [Man] Hey, Joan.

- Excuse me one minute.

- That's no way to handle a man like Ed, Alvin.

He could open doors for you.

(chill dance music)

- Alvin, this is Tina.

He's our host, in a manner of speaking.

- G'day.

- How are you?

I've heard a lot about you.

- Well that sounds a bit threatening.

- It's not meant to.

- Would you like to dance?

- Okay.

(dance music)

- No, I think she's terrific.

- Well you can have her, mate.

Except she's insurmountable.

- So was Everest before I mounted a full scale

attack on her.

- I thought you had a proposition for us, Roger.

- I have.

Water beds.

- Water beds? - Water beds?

- You could earn 300 a week in commission.

- I don't see myself as a salesman.

- Oh it's a pushover.

One of you does a spiel

and the other handles the installations.

- Come on, Alvin.

What do you reckon?

You'd be smiling too if you had a Magic Mountain Water Bed.

Now this water bed here, the basic style

was first developed by the hippies of Southern California.

Now look at it.

You can see and it's obvious that there's,

there'd be nothing as restful.

Surely nothing as relaxing

as sleeping on a tonne and a half of water.

- How much long you gonna be

filling up that damn thing?

- It's the water pressure, Mrs. Jackson.

- I don't know, you come in here to demonstrate,

and it takes you two hours to set up

for the demonstration.

- This just goes five more minutes.

It's ready, Mrs. Jackson, all done.

- [Mrs. Jackson] Coming.

- You've changed.

- That's right.

- Do you usually go to bed at four o'clock

in the afternoon?

- No, but, there's something about a sexy waterbed salesman

suggest that it might be a good idea.

What's the matter?

- What about your husband?

- He's away for three days.

I always wait till he's away

to buy things.

- Look, I don't really think,

- Let's put it this way, sonny.

I might suddenly decide that I want that bloody

big bag of water.

And what'll that do to your commission for the month?

- It goes without saying that the marital relation

is considerably enhanced.

- In what way?

(crowd laughing)

- Well it's very difficult to explain

without a demonstration.

But the principle of the water bed

is unlike that of a normal mattress.

- Look, I really don't get the idea.

- Action painting, dumb bum.

In America they do it on roller skates.

And in Japan it's a squeegee.

Well nobody's ever thought of using the water bed.

(chill music)

- Lull yourself on a cushion of sensuality.

You go right off, I tell you.

It's ideal for insomniacs, spinal sufferers,

invalids, and a few other conditions

of the human body I couldn't mention.

(laughing)

Any questions, ladies?

- Would you like something different?

- What have you got in mind?

- Leather.

- That's not really my scene.

- You don't like discipline?

- No, not really.

- Have you tried plastic?

Even the ordinary raincoat's very erotic, you know.

- What do you do with it?

- I know, I've got it, I've got it.

- What?

- Top hat and spurs.

(military bugle music)

- I feel ridiculous.

What am I supposed to do now?

(kooky music)

- The water moves when you move

and it displaces itself into whatever position

you, were, well whatever position.

- Sounds very novel.

- Cheers.

- Oh, nice whiskey.

- You mean brandy.

- Oh I'm sorry.

I beg your pardon.

I can hardly stay awake.

I've been working too hard.

- At installing water beds?

- Well it's not so much the installation, as the,

- As the what?

- The customer contact.

Hey why are you persisting with me?

I'm so tired out, I'll be useless.

- I have faith in your recuperative powers.

- [Alvin] Have you?

- Yes.

And for some strange reason, I like you.

- You know that's the nicest thing that's been said to me all this week.

Among all the things that have been said to me

and some of them are scarcely repeatable,

that is the nicest thing.

Jeez, look at all the candles.

Is it your birthday or something?

- I'm not that old, darling.

- Yeah well don't ask me to blow them out

'cause I'm afraid I'll probably just drop right off.

- I think we might have the lights off, don't you?

- Sure, whatever you say, Mrs. Warren.

- I like a little mystery to start with.

- Oh, this feels good.

Don't worry Mrs. Warren, I'll revive.

- [Mrs. Warren] Of course you will, darling.

- [Alvin] The spirit's willing.

- [Mrs. Warren] You shouldn't knock yourself around so much.

I can see I'll have to take you in hand.

(Alvin moaning)

(both giggling and moaning)

- [Alvin] Is that you?

- [Mrs. Warren] Who else would it be?

- Christ!

Mrs. Warren was a man.

God, what a shock.

That's it, that puts me right off.

Right off it, mate.

- [Tina] You must enjoy it.

- [Alvin] Well I don't know that I do it.

It just seems to happen all the time. That's all it is.

Saves time in the long run.

- [Tina] Saves time, what for?

- [Alvin] I don't know.

- Alvin, why don't you stand firm?

- What?

- Why don't you resist women?

- Well then if I have to resist them

or they have to resist me,

I don't know where's no starting.

- Well you could always stop.

- It's not that easy.

- And don't you enjoy it at all?

- No.

Well, I suppose if the girl enjoys it

I sort of feel it hasn't been a complete waste of time.

But the problem is I can't seem to avoid sex.

- You can't avoid sex.

Have you ever tried, honestly?

- Yes I have.

Sort of.

- You're a case, Alvin.

You should see a psychiatrist.

- You serious?

- No I'm just making conversation.

- If I was a kink,

wouldn't I know I was a kink?

- I didn't say you were a kink.

- You think there's something wrong with me

and I should see a bloody headshrink. - Well don't if you don't want to.

I'm not going to force you to do anything.

- [Liz] Now just say the first thing

that comes into your mind.

Now let's see, we'll take an animal to begin with.

Camel?

- Hump.

- [Liz] Now, say part of the body.

Finger.

- Joint, knee, trembler.

- Now, something with a bit more imagination.

Angel.

- Choir, congregation,

crowd, gang, bang.

I'm sorry doctor, I don't seem to be doing

very well at this.

What's the point anyway?

To see how sex-obsessed my subconscious is?

- I'm conducting this inquiry, Mr. Purple, not you.

- Sorry, Doctor.

- [Liz] I don't know whether he's fantasising

or boasting or just trying to shock me.

- He seems a pretty straightforward sort of fellow to me

but then again appearances can be deceptive.

- Could it be schizoid?

- I doubt it.

Has he shown any latent homosexual tendencies?

- Oh he did mention one homosexual advance.

- He did, did he?

- His account was that he ran for his life.

- Ah, could be a subconscious attraction.

It often is when people overreact like that.

- But I really can't say.

You're a man.

I think you're far better qualified

to handle the case.

- Liz.

We all of us have to deal with patients

of the opposite sex.

And really, when you boil it all down

the differences between the sexes

are really far less than most of us imagine.

I mean I may have a little fuzz on my face,

you might possess a pair of rather

better-developed mammary glands.

Our hormonal balance and muscle tone

may be marginally different,

but beyond that there's very little to choose between us.

- I hope you don't mind my saying this Doctor McBurney

but I do wish you wouldn't touch me like that.

- Good heavens, Liz.

You don't imagine I'm making advances to you, do you?

- No.

No, it's just that it,

it makes me feel uncomfortable.

- Liz, 90 percent of the patients who walk through that door

are suffering repressions of just the sort

that you have described.

In the world today where all of us

alienated from our bodies,

we're afraid of physical contact.

Sensory deprivation is a disease, Liz,

a disease which you as a psychiatrist

must learn to overcome.

- Thank you, Doctor.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

On the surface, one would say that

quite simply, you need someone,

one particular person upon whom you can leverage

the full extent of your emotional reservoir.

- Oh, that sounds nice.

I like the way you put it.

- Someone who can give you enough exercise

while at the same time

having enough strength to monopolise your affections,

to stop you being an emotional irresponsible.

- That's all very well, Doc,

but where do I find someone like that?

- Don't be so impatient, that comes later.

First you must get some control over yourself.

Now, this is what you must do.

(light rock piano music)

♪ All right ♪

(knocking)

♪ Talk to me my sweet power ♪

♪ Be my friend ♪

♪ Gonna get back to Georgia ♪

- Hello.

- You after a cup of sugar?

- That's right.

How did you know?

- I'll be right back.

(kooky electronic music)

- I didn't mean you to go out and get it.

- I didn't go out.

Could you leave the door open, thanks.

Here you are.

You could leave it just outside the door tomorrow.

- Okay.

- Well, goodnight, so,

been nice meeting you.

If you might wanna drop in again anytime.

- Oh, is that a Picasso print?

- [Alvin] Oh, yup, I don't know.

- Oh no it isn't.

I thought it was but it isn't.

But that's Brian Ken.

That record playing is definitely Brian Ken.

- I suppose it could be yeah.

Yeah that's Brian Ken.

- He's my favourite songwriter.

- Is he?

- Yeah I think he's great, don't you?

- Well yeah yeah, he's great all right.

- You don't mind if I sit down and listen to it

for a while.

- Yeah sure, that's fine.

(kooky electronic music)

- You didn't have to do that for me.

Sit down, you little fool,

it's just a song.

My name's Trudy.

- I'm Alvin, Alvin Purple.

- Purple, what a ridiculous name.

It's colourful.

- Yeah I suppose it is.

- Better than being called Alvin Pink

or Alvin Puce.

(kooky electronic music)

(coughing)

(knocking)

- Come in.

Aren't you well?

- Well it's all these cold showers I've been taking.

And I'd get a heart attack running around the block

in the middle of the night.

- But it works, doesn't it?

- Oh yeah.

(coughing) - [Liz] Bless you.

- But am I better off?

I mean I was in better neck before

when I was out of control, if you get what I mean.

- You still haven't found the right woman?

- Well what chance have I got?

Every time I get an inclination

I'm off around the block.

- Mentally, I mean.

- [Alvin] Mentally?

- It's perfectly obvious to me

that women don't have any real meaning for you

other than as,

- [Alvin] What, sex objects?

- There are other things you can do with women.

- Such as?

(light music)

(airy classical music)

And the barman said

we don't often serve gorillas in this bar.

And the gorilla said,

the gorilla said, "At five dollars a gin and tonic,

"I can understand that."

(laughing)

Well this is it, my little sin pit.

Do you like?

- It's very nice.

- Now come on, really.

- It could use a woman's touch.

- You reckon?

(knocking)

Oh excuse me.

Here, you take this, you won it.

Oh thanks very much.

No, that's all right.

I'll see you later.

If I turn retail, I'd make a fortune.

I have the feeling that our relationship

is teetering on the edge

and that any minute it could slip sideways,

go over the edge.

- Into what?

- Into something else.

- All relationships are in a constant state of flux.

- What's that you said?

- I said flux.

- Oh, flux.

Do you think it's advisable

for a doctor-patient relationship to be this intimate?

- The doctor-patient relationship has to be close

if it's to get the best result.

- Oh yeah, I agree.

- Science can only go so far.

After that, we all have to depend on trust.

(light percussive music)

- Hey Doc, I think I'm cured.

- What are you saying?

- Well it's nearly dawn.

We've been sitting here all that time

and I haven't had to go and have a cold shower

or run around the block or anything.

Doc, you're a marvel!

- Yes, Alvin.

Congratulations.

I'm glad to have been of use to you.

Good night.

- I'm cured!

(laughing)

(crashing)

Dr. McBurney?

- Come in.

Dr. Sort has asked me to take over your case.

- Is anything the matter?

- Not really, sit down.

- No thanks.

- Dr. Sort describes herself as having been placed

in a professionally embarrassing situation.

- Well I hadn't done anything.

- I am very well aware of exactly what you did

and did not do.

From the very first time that Dr. Sort

confided in me that you are causing her

some rather serious problems,

I predicted something like this would happen.

Psychiatry is a curious profession, Mr. Purple.

A psychiatrist is something between a medicine man,

a scientist, a father-confessor, even a con man.

A psychiatrist is also human.

Dr. Sort will never be a good psychiatrist

until she learns a lot more about herself.

The same applies to you, Mr. Purple.

- But I'm cured.

(laughing)

- There was never anything wrong with you.

Would you like a drink?

Gin, martini, scotch.

- Scotch, thanks.

- In fact you're normal, excessively so.

Water?

- No thanks.

- It's not psychiatry you need,

it's vocational guidance, Mr. Purple.

Look, I don't know how you're placed at the moment

but I'd like to put a proposition to you.

I believe we could be of considerable use to each other.

(rock music)

- Mr. Purple?

Dr. McBurney gave me this address.

- Come in, come in.

Miss Thorne, is it?

- That's right.

You understand, I'm rather nervous about coming

but Dr. McBurney assured me you were the right person

for my problem.

- Well I hope I am, Miss Thorne.

To be quite honest, I'm a little bit nervous myself.

- Oh well you're nervous?

- Well I don't know if I should tell you this but,

well you're my first patient.

- Oh, am I?

That's nice.

That means that we're both beginners then.

- That's right.

Anyway, sit yourself down

and make yourself comfortable.

Do you like champagne?

- Thank you.

(popping)

- I'll be back in a moment.

(ripping)

- [Dr. McBurney] You'll like Patience.

Her condition is simply one of arrested sexual expression.

Broken engagement caused in her mind

by her apparent inability to satisfy her fiancee.

(popping)

Sorry about this one.

If she's really too much, back out.

Plead a migraine or something.

But at 36 she could badly do with the Purple method.

(popping)

This one needs a touch of brutality.

Jump off a wardrobe if necessary

but don't injure yourself.

You have a busy week coming up.

(popping)

May I introduce Miss Guernsey.

I thought a change in performance might interest you.

She's an ex missionary, naturally a virgin.

Had fantastic dreams about being raped

by her African Sunday school pupils.

Now I don't want you to do a Tarzan all over the place

but I do want you to frighten her.

(chuckling) Just enough to convince her

she's saved it for Jesus by the skin of her whatnot.

(screaming)

Oh my heartiest congratulations, Miss Thorne.

What's that?

No, no, we psychiatrists are only too pleased

to do ourselves out of a job,

if it all turns out as successfully as that.

(laughing)

Yes.

Yes, bye now.

That was Patience.

She's getting engaged next month.

- Oh, that's great.

I'd really like to go to the wedding, you know that?

No, I mean it.

Cigar?

- Yes, I don't mind if I do.

- You know I can honestly say I'm enjoying my work.

They're really very nice ladies.

- Even the missionary?

(laughing)

- Now I've got to admit

she very nearly did me a serious injury, that one.

He had a bloody spearhead stuck down her garter.

No, as true as I sit here.

I stepped on a leopard skin in front

just in the nick of time.

- Well you know, I did paint rather a black picture of you.

She was supposedly there to convert you!

- Ha, convert.

(laughing)

Do you make up stories for all of them?

- Not always.

But the majority of people would misunderstand

what we're doing.

But so far so good.

No slip ups.

(bell ringing)

(bell ringing)

- [Liz] Mr. Purple?

- God, Liz.

- Hmm, very nice.

Oh, there you are.

Not that you really need it.

Can I have some champagne please?

- I don't get it.

Did Dr. McBurney send you?

- Don't you think he would?

- [Alvin] No I don't.

- I see, and what's so special about me?

- It's just, well he never usually springs people

on me like this.

- Well there's always a first time.

- This is highly irregular, you know.

- [Liz] A patient of yours came to see

Dr. McBurney yesterday.

Unfortunately he was out so she saw me instead.

What she didn't know is that I hadn't been informed

of this little setup.

You are resourceful, you two,

I must congratulate you.

Are you still listening?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.

- [Liz] It's quite simple.

I want from you what you're so eager

to give to other women.

I want it when I want it and as often as I want it.

And if you think this is unreasonable,

just think how unreasonable your activities would seem

if ever they hit the newspapers.

To say nothing of what would happen to McBurney.

- I have an appointment this afternoon.

I don't want to disappoint my patient.

- Did you listen to the tape?

- That's blackmail.

- That's right.

- I wish you didn't have to make it so early, Liz.

- I'm sorry Alvin but I have to be at the office by 10.

- I understand this is for you?

- You're not wrong, you know.

You're right.

- You don't look well, Mr. Purple.

- I'm sorry.

- You ought to see a doctor.

- My trouble is that I can't avoid it.

- And guess what, darling.

I don't have any patients this morning.

So I don't have to be in till after lunch.

Alvin.

Alvin!

Alvin, did you hear what I said?

- That's great.

Absolutely fabulous.

Bloody marvellous news.

- [Woman] What is it?

- It's a pin.

If I happen to doze off,

just give us a short sharp jab.

It's nothing personal if I do it,

it's just that I have this tendency to commit rivery.

- Commit rivery?

- Yeah you know, get right off, drift away,

up with the nimbuses and cumuluses

and all the other little puffs of God.

- Oh that's really beautiful.

- I'm not being too good at keeping the mind in my work.

- Am I work?

I suppose if you are my therapist, then,

- Don't get me wrong, it's just a matter of

me helping myself by helping you

if you get what I mean.

- I just don't understand it.

Are you ill or something?

- Just a bit tired, that's all.

- I did think five a week was all right.

Yesterday's patient was in a real state.

- Yesterday?

What happened yesterday?

- She says you fell asleep on top of her.

- Oh, that one.

- I send her to you for confidence and this happens.

- Would you like some pumpkin seeds, Doc?

- Frankly Alvin, you have me worried.

I mean the success of our whole operation is in your hands.

I can supply you the patients but you must satisfy them.

You must keep up your end of the business.

- Oh, well put.

- What's the matter, Alvin?

- Well I suppose it's like everything else.

You lose form if you overdo it.

- Hmm.

Maybe you need a holiday.

(splashing)

- Oh, watch where you're going!

- You have no idea how glad I am to see you, Miss Donovan.

- I'm glad to see you too, Alvin.

- Not as glad as I am, that's for sure.

- Hey, listen to this.

Pam the bearded dragon, 31

seeks musical, literary or linguistic dragonette.

Beardless but sexy.

How does that appeal to you, Tina?

I like the linguistic bit.

What about this one?

I am packed off of one night stands.

Sounds like you, Alvin.

Shat off with shallowness,

quiet, calm guy 25

would like to meet couple under 30

willing to dally discretely during daytime.

Status, looks, unimportant.

Any takers?

- What on earth would they do?

- Only cost you a dollar to find out.

- Can't you bastards talk about anything but sex?

(splashing)

- Doesn't sound like our Alvin.

- You know I think the whole thing's overrated.

- What whole thing?

- Sex.

Wasn't the only reason we hit it off so well

because there's no sex in it?

- How do you know there's no sex in it?

- Well if I thought there was,

I'd run a mile.

(gasping)

- Alvin, you're wanted on the phone.

- [Alvin] Coming!

Hello?

- [Dr. McBurney] Alvin, I've got to see you.

- Look, I don't know how to put this

but I can't go on.

- [Dr. McBurney] Yes, but Alvin.

- No, as far as I'm concerned, it's all over.

- [Dr. McBurney] It's not, you know.

It's just about to begin.

(tense music)

- When your wife visits a psychiatrist,

are you certain what transpires?

Some 220 concerned husbands are suddenly far from sure

after yesterday's shock disclosure

that a prominent and distinguished psychiatrist

has been running what amounts to a male brothel

for neglected wives.

A spokesman for the 220 husbands

said the psychiatrist and his associate

will be sued for a million dollars

for incitement to commit adultery.

However a prominent legal advisor commented today

that it will be difficult to establish the grounds

on which such a suit could be filed

unless one instance of proven adultery could be established.

And as yet, the group has not nominated

which wife will be mounted as the test case.

- I see what you mean.

- This is where I get off the bus

and my advice to you is to do just the same.

Take the first plane out.

- Well I would, except--

- Except what?

- Except there's someone I feel a certain attachment to.

- Are you mad?

It was Liz Sort who dubbed this whole thing.

- Liz?

- I don't know what you did to her but she's really got it in for us now.

(bell tolling)

- [Man] Be seated.

- [Judge] Proceed.

- I would like to call Dr. Elizabeth Sort

to the witness stand.

- Dr. Elizabeth Sort.

Take the bible in your right hand and repeat after me.

I swear by almighty God.

- I swear by almighty God.

- That the evidence I shall give in this case.

- That the evidence I shall give in this case.

- Will be the truth. - Will be the truth.

- The whole truth. - The whole truth.

- And nothing but the truth. - And nothing but the truth.

- The question I'd like to put to you, Dr. Sort is

what was your relationship with the accused, Alvin Purple?

- Well he began as a patient of mine

but he is what's clinically known

as a satyromaniac.

That's the male equivalent of a nymphomaniac.

His treatment of women is of a completely

animal reflex nature.

He can't keep his hands off anyone.

- Did he make advances to you, Dr. Sort?

- I'd prefer not to go into the matter.

- Well I would!

- Order in the court.

I must ask you to remain seated.

- When did you first learn that Dr. McBurney

and the accused were conducting a brothel

under the guise of a therapeutic clinic?

- Two days ago when I first informed the police.

- That's a lie, she knew of all--

- I'm warning you.

If you interrupt again I'll have you removed.

- Hey, hey here!

That's all I need.

- Yeah, not surprising, is it?

You ought to be locked up.

Bloody disgusting, that's what it is.

Preying on poor, screwed up Sheilas.

What's a nice girl like you doing up around

with a pervert like him?

- Alvin's not a pervert.

- That's how it is?

I'd kick the two of you out

but it's against the law to refuse a fare.

- Well let us out then if that's the way you feel.

- My pleasure, lady.

- Why don't you wait for the facts

before you make up your mind, eh?

- [Lawyer] How much did McBurney pay for your services?

- It depended on how many clients I handled a week.

- And how many would that normally have been?

- It varied, there's some weeks five,

some weeks as high as 14 but that was pushing it.

(laughing)

- Did you work on a commission basis

or a flat rate?

- I object, my Lord.

My learned friend is taking my client with contempt.

- Quite the contrary.

By his own testimony,

your client deserves our utmost respect?

- These are the premises of 121 Emerald street

where the events occurred which led

to the instant legend of Alvin Purple,

the great lover.

Already, a strange aura has built up

around this seemingly incredible character

who made love to several hundred women

with apparently untiring energy.

But who is Alvin Purple?

There are those who knew him outside the bedroom.

And in an effort to piece together some portrait of the man,

we have recorded the following interviews.

What do you recall of Alvin Purple?

- Well Alvin was a mature boy for his age.

He was always very attentive in class.

But though I would say that in the end

the workload proved too great for him.

- [Interviewer] Excuse me, are you Mr. Dooley?

- Yeah, why?

- [Interviewer] Now I'm wonder, see if you can give us a quick interview

for the news.

You do know Alvin?

- I am familiar with him, Mr. Purple, yes.

- Can you tell us something about him?

What sort of a person is he?

- Well he was always a big boy.

I mean he always had a big future in front of him

and other places.

- But what is his future?

Do you expect him to be able to get out of this trouble?

- He always got out of everything he's ever got into.

Always got out at some stage after he got into it, always.

- [Interviewer] Thanks very much, Mr. Dooley.

Thank you. - Thank you.

- [Interviewer] Mrs. Warren, how did Alvin Purple strike you?

- Well people are never what they seem.

I only met Alvin once.

And in my opinion, he was quite terrified

of the thought of sex.

- And that gives you some idea of this modern-day Casanova

who for a reputed 80 dollars a consultation

can be said to have laid the problems

of a legion of women.

- Well I'm no prude, Alvin

but you can imagine this has been a pretty

traumatic experience for us all

particularly your mother.

- Oh Alvin, how could you do those things?

- Some of them were pretty attractive things.

- [Mom] What's that?

- Oh nothing, Mrs. Purple.

The case is still sub-judicy.

They haven't proved anything yet.

- You're right.

Just because they say Alvin's done those things

doesn't mean to say he really has,

does it Alvin?

- Dr. Sort, are you aware

of the whereabouts of Dr. McBurney?

- I understand he's left the country.

- Do you think his unorthodox therapy

will lead to his being struck off the medical register?

- Of course.

- Does it surprise you then to learn

that this will not take place?

- You must be misinformed.

- No you are the one who's misinformed, Dr. Sort.

Dr. McBurney's career has come under the closest scrutiny.

And it appears that the man has never been

a qualified medical practitioner.

He's a charlatan, a quack.

- You're not talking to me?

- No.

- Do you think I'm a monster?

- Yes.

- Look, Tina, if I ever get out,

just would you con, nah of course you wouldn't.

- No I wouldn't.

What do you want?

- How can I ever say it, you scare me.

- Shut up, Alvin.

(light guitar music)

♪ I haven't the time and I haven't the rhyme to tell you ♪

♪ To see what's really you ♪

♪ To know of what I went through ♪

♪ That's where you are ♪

♪ What a lonely lonely some type of man you are ♪

♪ Breaking your heart ♪

♪ Only wanna be free ♪

♪ Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong ♪

♪ Maybe we're all the same ♪

♪ Maybe you need to know ♪

♪ Maybe you need to grow a little older ♪

♪ What a lonely lonely some type of man you are ♪

♪ But you're only halfway ♪

♪ Some type of man to me ♪

- You do scare me, you know.

- You've never been scared of anything in your life,

that's what's wrong with you.

- Tina, would you,

I feel like a complete idiot. - You are a complete idiot.

- Will you marry me?

Tina?

- How many other women have you asked to marry you?

- [Alvin] None.

- You're a liar.

- I'm not.

I love you, Tina.

- Mr. Purple, were you aware

that the so-called Dr. McBurney was running

any other business apart from his sex clinic?

- No.

- The police have made a thorough investigation

of the premises at Emerald street

and made some startling discoveries.

If your honour pleases, I would like to show the court

the following exhibits.

- What is the nature of these exhibits?

- Films, your honour, reCovered

from McBurney's offices.

- [Judge] And what relevance do they have

to these proceedings?

- The evidence points your honour

to the fact that they were shot in Mr. Purple's premises

at Emerald street.

- But that's impossible!

- Correction, they were most likely shot

from a number of remotely controlled cameras

concealed in the next flat.

(jury chattering)

- Clear the public gallery.

- Clear the public gallery.

- Ready to roll, your honour.

- [Judge] Proceed.

- Now it's up to you to say when.

- When what?

- When do I take your clothes off?

- [Woman] I'll scream.

- There's no one to hear you.

- You come near me or, no it wouldn't happen.

- Oh I haven't trained what I want.

- But Dr. McBurney said,

- [Alvin] What, what did he say?

- You coward!

You rotten little turd!

How dare you treat me like this!

You arrogant little pipsqueak,

watch it, you bloody nit.

Ooh, I'm gonna kill you!

I've had enough of this.

Get it over with!

Rape me!

- [Alvin] Oh, not so fast.

Careful, no careful.

(moaning)

- Oh Alvin.

Why did you hold out so long?

- [Alvin] Doctor's orders.

- Yes, hmm.

- Pornographic movies, your honour.

- Hmm.

Are there any more of them, hmm?

- There are indeed.

- It's going to set me scurzy, arr!

- I beg your pardon!

(roaring)

Don't you dare touch me

you black hearted heathen!

(roaring)

Take that, you filthy lecher!

Oh!

(roaring)

(crashing)

(roaring)

You brute.

There's only one way to deal with people like you!

- As you can see, Dr. McBurney ran a very lucrative business

in blue movies.

- Hmm, and how does one hire such things?

I mean (clearing throat),

their circulation must present certain difficulties.

- They're sold I understand for 1000 dollars a print

and screened at stag parties all over the country.

- Yeah, indeed, hmm.

- If you lay as much as one finger on me

I'm telling you.

I'll call for the police.

What are you doing, Alvin?

Unbuttoning my blouse, Alvin?

I'll have to call them, I'm quite serious.

If this goes on for one minute more, I will call the police.

Alvin, you are undoing my skirt.

You realise you could be charged for that.

Take your hands off my bra, Alvin.

I'm warning you.

I'm quite serious.

I will call the police.

This is an offence.

You'll be charged with assault.

Alvin.

(moaning)

Now you've done it.

You've called my bluff.

I will call the police.

Police!

Please!

Police!

Police!

Please.

Oh please.

Please, please.

- I'm sorry, Tina.

- [Woman] Police!

- Please understand!

I never wanted it, Tina!

- [Woman] Police!

- In summing up, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I would like to point out that this trial

has been one of the most enjoyable experiences

in all of my 30 years on the bench.

The accused and all of those involved

have unashamedly and in a commendably honest manner

exposed to the public gaze

all of those interesting, not to mention fascinating ways

they put in their time.

Speaking as a judge, I found it a welcome relief

to the usual parade of wife beaters, drunks,

tax evaders, et cetera,

whose antics I find of no entertainment value whatsoever.

(laughing)

However there are charges to be answered,

and serious charges at that.

Was Purple acting in his capacity as hired stud,

a therapist somewhat ahead of his time,

or was he merely pursuing the age old trade

of male prostitute or gigolo?

What's he to be charged with,

incitement to commit adultery, false pretences,

running a common boarding house?

And who is to be charged?

On Dr. Sort's evidence,

Purple was merely acting as an agent for McBurney

who as we all know is not here today

to face the court.

- You are failing in your duty if you do not instruct

the jury to bring down a verdict with guilty.

- Indeed, Madam, kindly be seated.

Now then, we come to the matter of the manufacture

of these blue films.

If as I believe to be the case,

Mr. Purple was starring in these productions

without his own knowledge,

then how can he be properly be charged as an accessory?

Once again, it's unfortunate that McBurney is not here

in court today.

- You can't turn this man loose on society.

He has preyed upon and exploited the affections

of women all his life!

- Do calm yourself, madam.

Be seated.

- He's a menace!

Can't you see he must be put away?

(sobbing)

I can't.

- These then, ladies and gentlemen of the jury

are the facts you must remember

when you go to consider your verdict.

Is the accused guilty of the crimes

with which he has been charged?

Or is he guilty of merely being used

by the man who committed the crimes?

- Be seated.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

- We have, your honour.

- [Man] And what is your verdict?

- Not guilty, your honour.

♪ Yeah get 'em Alvin ♪

(clapping)

(cheering)

♪ Why oh why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Why oh why does it have to be you ♪

- I don't know what to attribute your success to, Alvin.

Immorality, ignorance, cunning, or sheer bloody luck.

(shattering)

What the hell?

(men chattering)

Who are they?

- I got no idea.

Hey, wait a minute.

They look like the husbands of some of my patients.

- You better get going, boy.

I'll go down and head them off.

- We wanna see Alvin Purple.

(men chattering)

- I don't care if you've been given us the face.

Now I don't care if you're blood,

you can't come in mate, he's not here.

That's not good, guv, he's not here.

Wait, look, but I'm telling you.

Don't push, you don't need to push, mate.

(shouting over each other)

No, just get back will you, just come on.

Easy there, ladies.

(car starting)

- Hey, he's getting away!

(tyres screeching)

- [Man] He's getting away, come on!

(men chattering)

(revving)

(tyres screeching)

(tyres screeching)

(tyres screeching)

(energetic music)

(revving)

(honking)

(revving)

(splashing)

(revving)

(crashing)

(revving)

(tyres screeching)

(revving)

(revving)

(honking)

(honking)

(zooming)

(motor humming)

- VHF18 to tower.

- This'll be good to run.

- Through down to first,

then up the fourth now to finish up.

- Yeah.

How are you mate?

- Pair up, lighten up.

High fall, okay let's bust over the garden.

This'll be jump run.

Let's go!

- I'm not really a skydiver!

I'm Alvin Purple!

- Yeah, and I'm the king of Siam, come on!

- No, no!

(screaming)

What bloody cord do I pull?

- [Man] That one!

That one!

(screaming)

(wind howling)

(splashing)

(light music)

- Friends, brethren.

It is all too easy, looking at the spectacle

of the modern world today

to throw up one's hands in horror

and become a profit of doom.

Probably never in the history of civilization,

not since the fall of the Roman Empire

has the moral fibre of mankind

been in such grave peril.

The mass media speaks of the permissive society,

but have you ever paused to consider

exactly what that might mean?

Let me tell you.

Nothing, I repeat, nothing is forbidden!

You can commit adultery, you may fornicate.

Homosexual acts are permissible between consenting adults.

No matter what your sexual predilections,

you may indulge them without any sense of guilt whatsoever.

Sin it would appear is as outdated as the chastity belt!

Whatever you may be to use the current phrase

straight or gay, sadistic, masochistic,

auto-erotic, whatever.

The permissive society allows you to indulge yourself

up to the hilt!

- McBurney!

- Alvin?

Friends, friends we have here before us

one of the most terrible examples, no,

in all charity I must say victims

of the permissive society.

Alvin Purple.

- Alvin.

- [Woman] Alvin.

Alvin!

(women screeching)

- Repent, Alvin!

Repent, Alvin!

Alvin, repent!

Come here, my boy!

Alvin!

(kooky music)

- Disgusting abyss.

- Where's Tina?

- Tina Donovan?

Well she resigned from the job three days ago.

- Did she say where she was going?

- [Attendant] No.

- Vanished into smoke.

- She's off her rocker.

Carmella says she's thinking of joining a convent.

- Tina, you're joking.

- I'm not, mate.

- I've gotta see her.

- I wouldn't advise it, boy.

Not after what I heard her say about you.

- What did she say?

- She said you were evil.

- Evil!

- Another round, thanks.

- [Spike] Make mine a pop, thanks.

- What else did she say?

- Well she said,

are you sure you wanna hear this? - Yeah, come on.

- Well she said she didn't know how she'd behave

if ever she had the misfortune to see you again.

- Well there's only one way to find that out, isn't it?

(bell dinging)

- I love you, Alvin.

But I could never marry you.

You must admit your history doesn't make you

a very attractive marriage prospect.

- That's all in the past, Tina.

Give us a chance.

- Do people really change, Alvin?

It would take a lot to convince me.

(bell dinging)

(gentle music)

- Are you the new gardener?

- Would you like a cup of tea?

- Thank you, sister.

- That's a quiet job for a young man.

Most of our gardeners are quite middle-aged.

- Well mother, it's the sort of job that suits me.

And besides, it has its compensations.

(bell dinging)

(light sentimental music)

(upbeat music)

♪ Alvin make 'em wave bye bye ♪

♪ Alvin make 'em sing ding-a-ling, why why ♪

♪ Alvin make 'em cry ♪

♪ Alvin make 'em laugh hello ♪

♪ Alvin make 'em high ♪

♪ Give them a sigh no no ♪

♪ Alvin don't let go ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Try to avoid it ♪

♪ Just resisting now and then ♪

♪ If you'd only try to understand ♪

♪ Now there you go again ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Get it ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Alvin make 'em wave bye bye ♪

♪ Alvin make 'em sing ding-a-ling, my oh my ♪

♪ Alvin make 'em cry ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪

♪ Why does it have to be you ♪