All language subtitles for A Black Lady Sketch Show s02e05 If Im paying.eng

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

- Your girl finna
warm up these leftovers.

- Girl, why you act
like food don't go bad?

It does.

- Well, excuse me, Ms. Subway,

but some of us don't have time
to eat fresh every day.

- You know I have
to cook every night

just in case my man,
Reggie, pops up.

That's why I'm always
buying shellfish.

You know, I saw
he posted on Instagram

he likes to eat shrimp
and stuff, so--

- First of all,
he's not your man.

He belongs to the streets.

You gotta set some boundaries.

I wish a nigga would pop up
at my house unexpected.

- Girl, he can eat
all my food,

but you know that's not all
he be eating.

I'm talking about box.
- Bump that.

I don't care
how good the dick is.

I wish a nigga would
eat up all my food.

- Mm-mm.

- [screams]

Get the fuck out of my house!

- What do you mean?
You invited me.

Just now, when you said,
"I wish a nigga would

pop up in my house unexpected."

And then, you said,
"I wish a nigga would

eat up all my food."

- Nigga, what?
- I ain't say nothing.

[comical music]

♪ ♪

- You expect me to believe
you pop up

every time somebody says,
"I wish a nigga would"?

- I said what I said.

- Ooh!
Who you talking to?

I wish a nigga would be up in
my house talking crazy to me.

- The Earth is flat!

Tofu's better than chicken.

French rolls are
making a comeback.

Free Wi-Fi!
That little nigga's innocent!

You and Ginuwine got
the same baby hair,

and y'all adults.

- Oh, you got jokes, huh?

Don't bring my edges into this.

Is this a prank?
Huh?

Is somebody pranking me, huh?

Where the cameras at?

Oh, I wish a nigga would try
to play me right now.

- Oh, you want to play?

I brought "Uno", "Sorry!",

and dominoes
in a Crown Royal bag.

- What the f--
okay, how about this?

How about I wish a nigga would
get the fuck up out my house?

- Mm-mm.
Nah, it don't work like that.

You gotta believe that shit
down in your gut

for it to happen.

Try this:

I wish a nigga would

get the fuck up out my house!

- I wish a nigga would
get the fuck up out my house!

- You gotta lean into it.
See, you're doing this.

[nasally] "I wish a nigga would
get the fuck up out my house."

- How about,
I wish a nigga would

get the fuck up out my house?
- I didn't believe it.

- Oh, what?
You "The Secret" now?

- Quiet as it's kept.
- Oh, this nigga here.

[scoffs]

- Here?

Or here?

- If you don't get
your Hood-dini ass

up out my house--

- Ooh, you almost had it.
You ain't say "nigga," though.

- Oh, we playing
"Nigga Simon Says" now?

That's what we doing?

[scoffs]

Latreice, you still there?

- Jamaica, what's going on
over there?

I was about
to call the police,

but then, I didn't
because I was listening.

- Girl, you will not
believe this.

There's a nigga in my kitchen,
and I cannot get him to leave!

- Well, girl, just tell him
you went to a HWCU.

- Nah, he on some
"Beetlejuice" shit,

talking about I gotta believe
my words to get him to leave.

This nigga trippin'.

- Fuck that.
He don't even sound fine.

I wish a non-Reggie nigga

would just pop up in my house
unannounced.

Couldn't be me.

[screams]
Uh-uh.

There's a non-Reggie nigga
in my house!

- Ooh, you know what?
I gotta go, girl.

My phone's dying.
I'ma call you back, okay?

Bye!
- Jamaica!

Well, anyway,
how are you, sir?

You like shrimp?

- ♪ Here's a little story
'bout a raw-ass bitch ♪

♪ That'll take yo' man
like she take that dick ♪

♪ She got 99 problems
but a bitch ain't one ♪

♪ She like
strapped street niggas ♪

♪ Who gon' run them funds ♪

♪ I got a gang of bitches who
gon' see 'bout me ♪

♪ Quick to run up in your
shit, ho, one, two, three ♪

♪ Selling out 'bout me,
I still remain untouched ♪

♪ I just walk through them hos
and drop my nuts ♪

♪ Your baby daddy fell in
love, I just wanted to fuck ♪

♪ I just wanted the cash,
all he wanted was us ♪

♪ Take a blunt to the face
while he rubbing my butt ♪

♪ Countin' money
in my panties ♪

♪ That shit give me rush ♪

♪ And be like ♪

♪ Go, girl,
wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Get a bag, make 'em mad ♪

♪ Bitch, you bad ♪

♪ Go, girl,
with your fine ass ♪

♪ Make a mess,
leave 'em pressed ♪

♪ You the best,
let me see you do it ♪

♪ Just fly with it,
just vibe with it ♪

♪ Talk to your homegirl,
high-five with me ♪

♪ Let me see you do it ♪

♪ Zip with it, 'cause
you ain't trip with it ♪

♪ I do it halfway,
now put your hips in it ♪

♪ Let me see you do it ♪

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Okay.

Enough wallowing.
- It's only been an hour.

I'm still
in the first stage of grief.

Denial.

No, I'm not.

- We just found out
everyone on Earth is dead.

- No, we just confirmed

that everyone on Earth is dead.

- Well, to be fair, I did that
in my Facebook invite

when I told you all
it was the end of the world.

- You also said BYOB,

and I'm the only one who B-ed.

- Okay, ladies, let's leave
the past in the past.

You know what they say.

- "Today is a gift. That's why
they call it the present."

- "Don't cry
over spilled milk."

- "It takes two to tango."

- That doesn't make any sense.

- Right,
'cause there's five of us.

- Look, we are Black women.

Strong Black women.

And yes, that is
a damaging trope

that has led many to believe

that we don't need
love and care,

and yes, I did write a paper
on the use of said trope

from the advent of television
to today.

My professor praised it
by calling it "long."

The point is,

we've had to be strong
our whole lives.

From the moment you sat
between your mother's legs

to get your hair done,

and that shitty comb broke off
in your tangles,

to every time
you got passed over for love,

promotion, or prestige

simply because of the color
of your skin.

We started off strong,

and we've only gotten stronger.

That is why we survived.

That's why we were meant
to survive.

That's why I can give

Shonda-level speeches.

So tighten up, ladies.

We have a world to rebuild

in our own image.

We were made to be gods.

So yeah, bad news,
everyone else on Earth is dead,

but good news,

we're here.

And I'm your next president.

[dramatic musical sting]

- Hmm. Wait, what?
- What the fuck?

- Classic Ashley.

[school bell rings]

- Here's your change.

Now go on!
Sit down somewhere!

[dramatic music]

[ringside bell dings]

- It may be 1992,

but today, we're
taking you back to 1982.

Welcome to
"Sit Down Somewhere: Classic,"

TV's number one
lunchtime competition show.

I'm Kimber Zak.

- And I'm Neesha Carver.

Kimber, I am ecstatic
joining you

as your partner tonight,
and when I say "partner,"

I mean that
in every way possible.

- And when I say
"I have a wife,"

I mean that,
in every way possible.

Hey, tonight, we've got
a her-storic episode for you,

so grab your Big League Chew,
your Teddy Ruxpin,

your Barbie
who's not yet Black,

and settle in 10 years ago

with this "Sit Down Somewhere:
Classic" match.

- Let's meet our contestants.

- Representing the away team,
it's 14-year-old Ceecee.

Now, this is Ceecee's
first day of high school,

so she'll be looking to win
acceptance, friendships,

and to rid herself
of the junior high nickname,

"Weewee Ceecee."

- Her opponents today
are the students

of Penny FromGoodTimes
High School.

- Well, she's gonna be having
a bad time

if she can't score a seat
at the right table for lunch.

As we all know, the key to
surviving the next four years

is cliquing
with the right clique.

- That's right, Kimber.
The rules are simple.

Ceecee must navigate
a gauntlet of crews

and be invited to join one

and sit at their table all
before the lunch bell rings.

- How come I don't see
your feet moving?

Sit down somewhere!

[ringside bell dings]
- And we're off!

Now, here Ceecee goes
with her opening move.

She darts left,
she darts right.

But it looks like all those
kids are much bigger than her.

Her form looks very good.

I gotta say, she's
in top physical condition.

Oh, man, this is
my favorite part!

Now, she's looking
from table to table.

Where is she gonna go?

Uh-oh!

Looks like Ceecee's going
for the easy win,

heading straight
for the chess champ, Elgin,

at the nerd's table.

I mean, this is
a real gimme here.

Neesha, I expected more.

- Actually, it's a bold move
for Ceecee.

She knows good and damn well

she don't know
how to play chess.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

King me.
[buzzer buzzes]

- Uh-oh,

rejected by the plankton
of the high school ecosystem.

That is embarrassing,
and I did not see that coming.

- Using a rook like a checker?

Now, that's a rook-ie mistake.

- Ha, nice!

- Girl, this ain't
stand-up lunch.

It's sit-down lunch.

Now, you need
to sit down somewhere!

[ringside bell dings]
- Uh-oh!

Here comes a blitz.

An unexpected obstacle
in the form of a goth.

- This is Blade's fifth attempt

at a first-day
friend acquisition.

But Ceecee knows teaming up
with a solo goth

on the heels
of a nerd rejection

would make her so lame,

even lying about being cousins
with Kurtis Blow

wouldn't save her.

Kimber, what's your play here?

- Yeah, Neesha, when I was
in this exact same position

in my playing days, I--

look at that spin!

Oh, that is a pro move
right there.

Impressive.

- Fun fact: that move is what
inspired the electric slide.

- It is, indeed, electric.

[dramatic musical sting]

- Hey!
Sit down somewhere!

Ow!
Made me hurt my wrist.

- Wow, man,
I hate that lunch lady.

But she runs a tight ship.
[chuckles]

[hip-hop music plays]
Uh-oh!

Ceecee's gonna have
to bring her A-game

if she wants to land a seat
at the cool kids' table,

led by Loose Limbs Luther.

- Another fun fact:
Loose Limbs went on to be cast

in "Breakin' 2:
Electric Boogaloo,"

but sadly, a nasty
cardboard cut ended his career.

♪ ♪

- Oh!
Hey, look at this.

Ceecee's got the invite.
Wow!

Holy cow!
That's embarrassing.

Loose Limbs Luther
was actually waving over

the fast-ass girl
behind Ceecee.

[laughter]

Oh, come on, Ceecee.
You can do better than that.

This is a real
last-ditch effort

at trying to sit at this table.

Frankly, I'm just embarrassed.

- [screams]

students: Oh, snap!
[buzzer buzzes]

- "Oh, snap" is right, Kimber.

- Oh, how humiliating
for Ceecee.

You know, the last thing
we should do here

is show that again,

but let's see it again
in slow motion.

- [screams in slow motion]

- Oh, man!
That's a tough one.

You know, it was
humiliating enough

to see it in slow motion.

Let's do it again
from another angle.

- [screams]

- Now, let's see if it's less
upsetting from the back angle.

- [screams]

- Nope, just as upsetting.

- This is one
"Sit Down Somewhere: Classic"

that is very close to my heart.

- How so?

- Because
I'm that little girl--

- Aren't we all?

Hey, join us--
- No, I am Ceecee.

Neesha is my middle name.

I got out of the game

after that breakdancing
incident went wrong.

I never ate in a cafeteria
again.

And I've been standing
ever since!

- Well, please...

Sit down somewhere.

This has been a classic episode
of "Sit Down Somewhere."

Good night.

That was really you?

- Yeah...

[mellow music]

- Simone, girl.

So I looked his pet owl
in the eye, and I said,

"Who you think you talking to?"

- I know that's right, Keema!

- My thing is this: don't have
me looking around for you,

like you Waldo, okay?

By the way,
a cut and buff is extra.

So I was like,
"Nah, where you at?

'Cause I'm grown."
- Okay.

Don't be out here clocking
for me like I'm a child.

I'm good on the cut and buff.

And, girl, you know
I gotta tell you, he's crazy.

- I know, but peep this:
the next day,

me and his sister
went to Chili's,

and she asked to try my steak.

A cuticle treatment's
an extra dollar per nail.

- Uh-uh, if I'm paying
these Chili prices,

you cannot taste my steak,
and also,

I'm good
on the cuticle cleanup.

- Okay, but tell me why
just last week,

this bitch claimed
to be a vegan?

Your cuticles really could use
the treatment.

But I'm like, girl,
commit to a dietary structure.

- Right, it's too many "I don't
eat that" categories out there.

And no on the cuticles.

And it's like, you're
either hungry, or you're not.

- Exactly, I hate that shit.
I just go by flexitarian.

Because I am flexible
with my choices or whatever.

But did you want a soak?
'Cause if so,

that is $2 on top of the lotion
fee, which is $3 per pop.

Anyway, I went ahead
and cut her a steak sliver.

But just the fatty part.
- Okay, flexitarian is smart.

'Cause you can dibble and dabble
judgment-free.

I washed my hands
before I got here,

and I got that good lotion
at home, so I'm good on that.

Was the steak tender, though?

- Girl, what?
So tender.

But mind you, I was just there
with Tevin a few weeks back,

so I had to pretend like
it was my first time.

But anyway,
what shape did you want?

Coffin is 5, stiletto is 8,
and basic square is $10.

But I was like,
I played that off.

- I did that same shit when
the last Marvel movie came out.

I let my nigga, Marcus,
take me to see it--

leave my nails
whatever shape they in now--

and then, my nigga, Hakim,
took me too!

- Ah, them niggas
is as thirsty as your nail bed!

Now, if you want tips,
that's gonna be $12 per finger.

But you know, those movies,
they are cinematic!

- They are so cinematic--
no tips for you or my nails--

but all I'm saying is, Black
Widow should've been played

by a Black woman or a spider.
- Facts!

So boom, then I go down
to the new farmer's market.

You been down there?

They got those international
marinades that I love.

Any new nail design
is gonna be $8 per squiggle,

and for rhinestones,
I charge $10 per rhine.

You be marinating?
- Only when my man is mad.

No to the rhinestones
and/or the designs.

Yes to the marinades!

What else they got down there,
though?

- Mm, girl, I went down there
to grab me some spices

from East Asia,
then I ran into my cousin.

I was like, "Bitch!

Yada, yada, yada.
Whoopsie-whoop."

Ombre is gonna be $36
for a gradient stroke.

Thumbs are double.

But then she kept
wrapping me up, talking about

some blahzady-blah,
and I was like, "Girl, what?"

- Hell no to the ombre,
but what was your cousin doing

at the farmer's market?
Y'all some organic Black folks.

If I eat gluten, my toe swells.
- Girl, that's gout.

But quiet as it's kept--
top coat polish is $88--

but that market had everything!

Take your swollen toe
and go on down there

and get you
something-something, girl.

And your total is 312.75.

- Shit, I'ma go on Saturday.

And I'm not paying you
a dime over $80

'cause all you did
was file my nails.

Bye, girl!
- You got it, boo!

It's $5 for the wave goodbye.
- I'm good!

- Before the apocalypse,

I was an investment banker
by day,

and a thot by night.

What was the question?

- Why should you be president?

- Oh! Mm!

Mm-hmm!

The most important thing
when starting a new society

is money.

Okay, so I propose

a wine-based currency

where the labels
are your paper money,

your caps are your coins.

Corks?
Silver dollars.

And would you look at that?

I got all of the money.

So I will keep us in the black

while drinking the red.

Hmm!

- Robin, 20 seconds.

- What the fuck?
Okay.

Uh, well,
I'm an excellent planner,

some would say, a visionary.

I have a solid plan
for the MREs.

I can take that Tuscan beef
and stretch it for months.

- [whining]
Objection, Your Honor!

You faint
at the slightest challenge.

- That is not...

I'm fine.

- You sure?

'Cause you're giving
"I need a Luna bar."

Low-blood-sugar-having ass.

- Hey, you're the moderator!
Moderate your mouth.

- I should be president

because I was the first
to recognize a power vacuum

and declare myself president.

- Yes, come through!

With an actual platform.

- Well, I've already
established

my presidential library.

- Okay, well, I think you have
to have a presidency

before you can have
a presidential library.

- Okay, fine,
but let the record reflect,

I am still the smartest.

- Let the record reflect,
Gabrielle is the scariest.

- And I will rule
with an iron "flist."

- Okay, well,
I'm a natural-born leader,

so I don't know why
we're still talking about it.

- Oh, and I'm not even
a fucking option?

[laughter]
- What?

- Laci.
Laci!

- No.
- That's so cute!

- Why wouldn't it be me?

I am at the peak
of my athletic prowess.

I am clever, yet approachable--

- Don't forget cute.
- Thank you, Skye!

You know--you know, you guys
never take me seriously.

And you need to put
some respect on my name.

- Oh, wow.
- Sorry, Laci.

- Respect?
[snorts]

- So does that mean you want
to run for president then?

- Nah, I'm good.

[overlapping chatter]

- This is about
to change your life.

- You've been talking about it
for a minute.

[cheers and applause]

- Karlie Chanel

is a marketing guru,

business mogul, author,

speaker, life coach,

motivationalist,
inspirationalist,

SHE-E-O,

TV personality,
and domestic traveler.

Dynamic. Powerful. Motivate.

Ladies, please welcome

Ms. Karlie Chanel!

[cheers and applause]

- Whoo! Karlie!

- Did she just
bring herself out?

- Sabrina, I am so excited.

I stopped buying
the good shampoo

and started using
those hotel bottles

just so I could afford
these tickets.

- Okay, I'm sorry,
but what exactly

does Black Barbie do again,
Latise?

- You heard her bio.

She's an inspirationalist,

and a motivationalist.

- Oh.

You're welcome.

Oh, ladies.

I have coached
hundreds of women

just like you

on how to...

tap into their greatness.

There it is.
There's the greatness.

[cheers and applause]
Oh!

And today, I am honored

to deliver my message.

"Aspire higher.

"[shouts]
Live louder.

"[softly]
Fail quieter.

"[normally]
Be you.

"Rules of the Road
on Your Journey to Success

While Maximizing
Your Full Potential."

[cheers and applause]

- "Maximize...

my full potential."

- You just wrote that down?

She just used a bunch of words,
but didn't say shit.

Who is she? T.I.?
- Shh!

- It is imperative

that you discover
the discomfort zone,

which exists in the gap

that must be explored

between what is and what can...

ultimately become!

- Yes, sis, yes!
[cheers and applause]

- I need to talk to you.

Okay, first, it was your
brother's Herbalife seminar.

- Mm-hmm.
- Then, you dragged me

to that circus clown
meetup group.

You have been inviting me
on some wild-ass shit

the last couple of weeks.

Is--is this a cry for help?

- What--hush!
Pay attention.

- Now, as I say in my book,

"Conquering the Art of
Conquering Through Conquering,"

"Dream. Dare. Do.

Be you!"

- I will!
I will do that!

- Girl, how many ways

are you gonna let Phony Braxton
scam you?

- Now, ladies,

as you know,

the journey to the self

requires sacrifice

and dedication.

- Mm-hmm.

[audience murmuring]

- It's time...

[soft dramatic music]

To ignite your inner
and outer self.

- What?

- Who is ready

for their soul

to be set on fire?

- I am!

[cheers and applause]

- In hell!

[dramatic music]

- Hell?

- Whoo!
[giggles]

♪ ♪

- Ladies,

leave your purses on your chair

and come burn away

the demons of self-doubts!

- [screams, growls]

- Latise!
The fuck are you doing?

- Oh, I like this shirt.
I don't want it to burn.

- I don't want you to burn!

- Sabrina, lean in to it.

Be brave.
Be bold.

Be you!
- Okay.

This is enough.

You have gone
full-on batshit crazy.

Lose my number
and never talk to me again!

- Yes, my Karliebelles.

[cackling]
Yes!

Revel in that cleansing fire!

Yes!

- Whew.

That was so much easier
than telling her

I didn't wanna be
in her wedding.

- Yes!

[sinister music]

- I pulled out your nose hairs

one-by-one,

and you barely even flinched!

Show me some hurt, damn it!

- [grunts]
Nice try, Kid Cudi.

I have fibroids
the size of cantaloupes.

I have slept
through worse pain.

- [screams]

[purse creaks]

- [gasps]

[whimpers]
- Huh.

Saul, how could you forget?

- No, wait.
What are you doing?

Don't you know you're
never supposed to touch

a Black woman's purse?
Hold on, what are you--

- Now that
I have your attention,

I'm gonna tell you
a little story.

[dramatic musical sting]
- [gasps]

[screams]
No!

Don't set it on the floor!

My money's gonna go
out the door.

- One day,

I asked about my refund check

in the financial aid office.

[dramatic musical sting]

The lady told me
to come back next week,

just as she did...

Every. Week. Before.

- [softly]
Stop.

- But this day,

I took it exceptionally hard!

- [screams]

- [laughs maniacally]

- You put your hand in my bag,
I turn into an old hag.

- Yeah! Yeah!

- Your hand in my clutch,
I have bad luck.

That didn't rhyme,
but you know what I mean.

[gasps, whimpers]

My lip stuff!

[wails]

- You zip your dehydrated lips!

Anyway,

I left her office in tears,

and you recorded me!

- What?

Oh, shit.

You're my pinned tweet.

Wow.
- You made me a meme!

And now I'm in a support group
with Antoine Dodson,

Sweet Brown, and this lady!

- I had no idea
it would go viral.

It's not my fault it struck
a chord with Chrissy Teigen!

Please.

- [grunts]

- Are you okay, baby?

- Nacie, this guy is crazy!

- Oh, that's the dude
from the meme!

"But it's my money!"

- Nacie, untie me.
- Hold on.

Why's your purse on the floor?

- I know.
It's such bad juju.

- Why's your purse
on the floor!

[dramatic musical sting]

- What?
What happened?

- You fucked up.

So we stole all
your basketball shorts

and hoodies.

- Now you gonna have
to collect your Postmates

in jeans, like a bitch!

- [gasps]
But it's my hoodie!

- I'm tired
of having this argument.

I'm the only one who has
a political science degree.

I'm the only one
who has any common sense.

- Okay, well,
I'm not voting for Ashley

'cause she doesn't
even want it.

She just thinks she'd look cute
on money, which, fair.

- I'd make it rain Ashleys.

- After careful thought,

I'm still voting for me.

- Okay, well, all disrespect,
you'd be terrible.

- Ooh!
- You would just sell us out

for a man or a Moscato,
whichever came first.

- Hopefully me.

- See, she's too horny
to be president!

- Or exactly horny enough.
Mm-hmm.

- Robin, admit it.

You are jealous that Skye
came up with a plan to save us,

and that no one went
to an imaginary house

that you "dreampt" about.

Great, now you all
have me saying "dreampt."

- Wow, yeah.
You know what?

I am, 'cause you know
where I'm president?

My fly-ass,
apocalypse-proof house.

And I know you all
don't believe me,

but it is real, okay?

And guess
who's going back there?

Me and only me!
[laughs]

So good luck surviving
without the cool one!

- [yawns]

- Jasmine, what the hell?

How are you still here?

You missed Essence Fest.

Mary J. Blige performed with
a hologram of Mary J. Blige.

- Hologram, what?

I could've sworn I haven't
been here that long, Vanessa.

My appointment was at 8:00...
- [scoffs]

- Last Thursday.

Dang, my boss
probably fired me, huh?

- Probably. And you should fire
your triflin' stylist.

So let's do what she couldn't,
and make tracks.

- Okay.
- Yep, let's go.

Come on.

- Oh, my pre-stretched hair!

- Queens.

Welcome to Wigzard of Oz.

I'm Gigi, the owner.

My store is like hip-hop
in the '90s.

You can sample
anything you want.

- A warm welcome?
Free samples?

Am I white here?
- No!

- At Wigzard of Oz,

it is our mission
to give every Black woman

the full-service
beauty experience she deserves.

- And girl, they don't even
play Christian music here

to put the fear of God in you
so you don't steal.

- Christian music never stopped
anyone from doing wrong.

My pastor's mistress
told me that.

Notice our shampoo
and conditioner sets

are proportional to usage.
- What?

- Name a more iconic duo.
I'll wait.

- And all of our synthetic wigs
are made from premium fibers

that do not matte or tangle.

- Mm, they all say that,

and then I end up out here
tumbleweedin' in these streets.

- Well, ours are different.

Take Margaret over there.

See her wig?
- Ooh.

- That can't be a wig.

- Same one she had on
during the L.A. Riots.

- Stop. Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

- Margaret!
You look good, girl.

- Also, our stylists start
every appointment on time.

- Stop lying.

What if I'm late?

- Send your hair ahead of time,
of course.

- Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh!

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]
- I mean...

- Dang.
Make it make sense, Ms. Gigi.

Did you go to Hogwarts?

- No.

Howard.
- Mm-hmm.

So, Jas, look.

They even have curling irons
that don't burn.

Come on.
Put it on your forehead.

- Girl, I am not putting
a hot-ass curling iron

on my forehead, okay?
- Put it on your forehead.

- I'm not putting--
- Put it on your--ah.

- Look at God.

- Look at her.

- How did--
- [scoffs]

That ain't nothing but Gods!

Nothing but Gods!
[squeals]

- Is this what you had in mind?

- [sighs]
- [chuckles]

- This is amazing!

I have never gotten exactly
what I wanted before.

Thank you, Ms. Gigi.
- You're welcome.

- Ooh, I look good.
- You do.

- I gotta put this
on the 'Gram.

[camera shutter clicks]

Oh, my gosh.

I am already getting
so many likes.

- Well--
- I have not gotten this many

likes since I posted
some random girl's sonogram

with the caption "big news."

[laughs]

They just keep coming in.

- Of course.
- See?

[upbeat music stops]

- You ain't tag me?

[dramatic musical sting]

- [gasps]

No!

No! No!

- Jasmine, I'ma go get
something else to eat.

These chicken tenders
taste like cigarettes.

Give me, like, four hours.

- Ms. Gigi?

Oh...

Jumbo conditioners?
[crying]

Oh, magical hair?

[inhales, exhales]

[sinister music]

[skin sizzles]
No!

- You got Michael Jordan
pride face sneaks.

You got on some
long sleeve drawers.

- Well, hopefully she slides
into a better group.

- I'd love to slide in
something myself.

- Don't do it!
- And when I say partner,

I mean it
in every way possible.

I want to have sex with you.
- No, no.

Oh, man, Neesha.

I thought we settled this
with the restraining order.

Also, my wife hates you.

She wrote your name in blood
on the ground

and lit it on fire.

Well, Neesha, first of all,
my first play was Kurtis Blow.

[both laugh]

- I'd love to Kurtis Blow you.

- I knew you were gonna do it!
I walked right into it.

[bright tone]

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