Original subtitles

- Wow! - Whoo!

To children in the '80s,

a bike meant freedom.

So when I got a new one in the summer of 1987,

my last summer before high school,

I was about to have the best time of my...

Why do you always do this?

Do what?

Talk about yourself as if you're an only child.

It's very disrespectful

- to your terrible brother - Okay.

and your gold-digger sister.

- Mm-hmm. Very nice. - Mm-hmm.

- Dre, I'm on the phone, so stop. - Okay.

- Okay. - Go ahead, Johan. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I already consulted my heart chakra,

- and she told me to forgive him. - What?

- Yeah. - Plus, he's right.

Why do you always talk about it like you were an only child?

- I was there, too. So was Santi. - Oh.

Where is Santamonica, anyway? It's not like her to be late.

Well, it's not like her to be this late.

Okay, it's not like her to be this late and not tell me.

You know what? I'm gonna add her in.

Sorry! I'm so close. I'm just parking.

Santamonica, you are obviously still at home.

And why do you look like a cartoon?

Um, don't hate

just 'cause you don't know what all us kids are doing.

You're 40!

Yeah, but I don't look it.

This is better than Botox.

Mm.

And, um, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it,

because I think I should just really be using this time

- to promote SantiCoin. - Oh, come on.

What? What's SantiCoin?

The cryptocurrency I started. Like Bitcoin?

Each SantiCoin is worth $200,000.

- But I'll give it to you for half - Oh, come on.

- 'cause you're fam. - Wait

You're not coming

to re-create this photo for Mom's 75th birthday?

Unbelievable, Santi.

Also, I'm not going to be able to make it, either.

Because I don't want to. Ohh.

- Radical honesty. - Wait. You guys, come on.

Let's just do the photo. Mom will love it.

And otherwise, you're not gonna get her anything unless I remind you.

That may be true, but I don't want to re-create that photo.

That was a horrible day for me.

You lost me, remember?

So that last summer before high school,

I thought I was about to have the best time of my life,

until I lost my brother.

Do you know how dramatic you sound right now?

I was just telling her she always does that.

Okay.

? In the mix ?

? Oh, oh, oh, they keep trying ?

? But they can't stop us ?

? 'Cause we got a love ?

? That keeps rising up ?

? In the mix ?

? Life turns around ?

? 'Round and 'round it goes ?

? Ooh, it's a mixed-up world ? ? Ooh, it's a mixed-up ?

? And that's for sure ? ? Mixed-up ?

? In the mix ? ? Baby ?

? We're gonna get by ? ? We're gonna ?

? On our own, side by side ?

? Love's all we need to be free ? ? Lo-o-o-ve is all ?

? I got you, you got me ?

? Yaaaaay us! ?

? I-I-In the mix ?

? Yaaaaay us! ?

? I-I-In the mix-ish ?

It all started on my last day of 8th grade.

You guys made it! It's the first day of summer!

We are so proud of you,

and we totally knew that all of you would graduate.

I just sat through two graduations.

If hear another child read a poem,

- I'm gonna eat my gun. - Okay.

So, since Rainbow is going to high school

and Johan is going to middle school

and Santi is blackmailing me,

I got you something for your first day.

- So everyone knows your name! - Yeah.

There we go.

Great! On my first day, everyone will be staring at my chest.

Bingo. You gonna be unstoppable once you grow a booty.

All right, my turn.

And I got you all...

new bikes!

Oh!

Ahh! No way!

This is a girl's bike.

No. No, bikes are just bikes.

And boys can ride pink bikes,

and girls can ride blue bikes.

Actually, it is a girl's bike.

There was a buy-two-get-one-free deal I couldn't pass up.

But I need a BMX bike if I want to go

riding down the steps behind the funeral home.

There was a rumor

Alfonso Ribeiro broke his neck on those stairs.

Well, I'm excited

to be able to ride this to high school next year.

Oh, as in three-miles-away high school?

I was thinking these are more like indoor bikes.

You know, after some practice,

maybe you can ride them in the driveway,

go to the mailbox, when you're ready.

You know, places where I can see you.

Mom, I was in Safety Patrol

and voted "Most Likely to be a Narc."

I'm responsible! Let me prove it.

Fine.

We need eggs.

Maybe the three of you guys

can go to the store and bring some back.

Making me get a notoriously fragile food

feels like a setup, but I'm game.

Let's go.

Oh, um, don't forget the hand signals.

Right.

Left.

Stop.

Emergency.

Emergency.

Emergency? How is this emergency?

Don't worry, Mom. I've got this.

See, she's got this. There's nothing to worry about.

Yeah, you're right.

- We're following them. - Wh...

So while Mom needed to know we were safe,

Aunt Dee-Dee needed overtime,

which meant sneaking in on the weekends

to log her hours watching "Battle of the Network Stars."

- I've seen this one. - Oh!

Tony Danza wins.

Oh. Hi.

I was just, um...

Thought I'd come in to work

and do some extra work on my day off.

Huh.

Um...

There. That is filed.

So you're not here just inflating your hours?

That's what I got fired from Pan Am for.

- Fool me once. - Oh.

Well, since you're here

and you're obviously ready to work hard,

can you go through all these case files

and organize them by claim?

Falls with falls, bites with bites,

things found in people's chili.

You get the idea.

Uh...

Man, I knew I should have just stayed home

and chilled with Alicia.

I bet she's just kicking back and relaxing.

Pedal faster!

Like you've tailed an ex before.

I haven't.

Is this really necess... Oh!

Is this really necess... Gosh, are we on a hill?

Gah!

Hey, kids! What's the happs?

Are you following us?

What?!

No.

I mean, you guys made bike riding seem so fun.

We just happened to cross paths.

Hey, girls! Nice bikes!

I'm not a girl!

Oh. Sorry, buddy. You just got great hair.

And a pink bike!

Mom, I know you're checking on me.

You gave me the egg test. I'm going to ace it.

I know, it's just the world is a scary place.

Do you know how many people fall or get bit

or find stuff in their chili?

You gave me a key to the house,

but you won't let me ride a bike?

Ah, good point, Bow-Bow. We should trust you.

Right, hon?

Right.

Oh, sorry. You were talking to her.

Fine.

We'll see you at home.

- Don't forget the eggs. - Okay.

- Be careful. - Oh, cool.

Hey, where... where are we going next?

Oh, just let me grab my roller skates.

I can latch onto the bike with a bungee cord

and go wherever you guys go!

Okay, guys. Let's get these eggs and my freedom.

Uh-oh! I'm still with ya!

Santi, why are you dancing?

I'm not dancing. Johan is missing.

This is me dancing.

Johan, I know that day was traumatic for you,

but as soon as I realized that you were lost,

I was devastated.

We have to find Johan, Santi.

Right after I get those eggs.

You stay here in case he comes back.

Wait... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You weren't devastated. You went to get eggs.

You know what? That is so you, Rainbow.

You're supposed to be the responsible one,

and you left a child on the street by herself?

- I... - A beautiful, charismatic child?

I need to cleanse.

Johan, are you eating cereal out of a Tibetan singing bowl?

? I will not be judged by you ?

Whew. Well, that was fun.

We should go tandem bike riding more often.

Like right now.

Honey, they're fine.

Why are you making such a big deal of this?

Because they're my babies, Paul.

The world is a dangerous place.

There's the Night Stalker, Ted Bundy, Satanic cults.

Don't you watch "A Current Affair"?

No, no, no. Honey, you can't listen to everything Maury Povich says.

He said men who lose everything in a divorce never recover.

But look at me. I'm thriving.

Do you guys have any orange juice?

I always get super dehydrated

after I spend the morning crying.

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Help yourself.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

You're done already?

I thought you'd be here at least six more hours.

Yeah, it wasn't that hard.

But this one was a little tricky.

The guy slipped on a puddle, fell down some stairs,

then got bit by a snake that jumped out of his chili.

But then I realized, since this all happened in a church,

it goes under "Acts of God."

Nice.

You know, those files have been sitting there for weeks.

Nobody could get through them.

Well, it was actually nice

to have something that challenged me for once.

Right now, the hardest part of my day

is when I have to flip the water cooler over

to try to get it on the thing.

The trick is confidence. Water coolers can smell fear.

Well, you know, if you're up for a real challenge,

I could use some help prepping the closing arguments

for "Smith v. A Wooden Roller Coaster."

So for doing work, I get rewarded with more work?

Yep. I'm beginning to realize you're a real go-getter.

If you stay, could get a promotion.

But only if you work hard.

That's what this firm was built on.

Really?

Absolutely.

So... I'm gonna go play golf.

Johan wasn't at school,

he wasn't at the park,

and he wasn't at his favorite puddle,

so hopefully he just came home.

If not, we can just pretend we never had a brother.

Where's your brother?

He came home.

Uh-oh. Did you lose him?

Wait, did you lose him?

Johan's still out there?

Yes. But the good news is, I brought the eggs.

Not helping. Mnh-mnh.

I'm just gonna say what everybody's thinking...

this should be the family.

Thank you, Santi. Let's go.

Griff, do you mind watching these two until we come back?

Clearly they're not ready to be left on their own.

Clearly!

I-I don't know that I... I-I really...

You guys hungry?

I can make toast and, uh...

Well, just... just toast.

I don't know why,

but I think a good closing statement should rhyme.

"13 kids are in traction, so we must file a class action."

Denise.

Aren't you supposed to be golfing?

I was losing, so I faked an injury, and here I am.

- What are they doing here? - Look,

I could have handled all this by myself,

but inviting them was faster.

I'm broke, but I ain't "come in on a Sunday" broke.

I mean, when she called me in tears,

I thought it was more of an emergency.

But that's okay, I didn't need to stay

for all of my sister's wedding.

You tricked these people

into coming in to do work I told you to do?

- I thought that... - Okay, I'm sorry.

I know you think you saw more in me,

but I can't handle everything you think I can.

And I'm sorry you missed your sister's wedding.

Oh, it's okay. They'll get divorced soon.

She's very unpleasant.

Well, I called Alvin, and Johan's not with him.

Guess he's really lost.

Johan's getting all this attention

just because no one knows where he is?

Getting lost is not hard.

If I wanted to, I could totally get lost.

Can you not make everything about you?

No.

Come on, that's pretty funny for a 3-year-old.

Okay, you were 7 years old.

Why do you always make everything about yourself?

Well, who else am I supposed to make everything about?

- Other people? - Yes.

She's not gonna do that.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Can you mind your own business?

You brought me here.

Yes, Dre, because you didn't want to make your own lunch.

- Okay. All right. - Guys, guys.

All this negative energy is weighing on me.

I think we should burn sage on this whole conversation.

Yeah, and you know what? I'm out on the photo now, too.

Rainbow, just hit us both up

when you come up with something better, okay?

Wh... Well, why don't you guys come up with something?

Because that's not what we do. That's what you do.

Duh.

Okay, you know what?

I'm done.

- What? - Yeah.

I'm not gonna be the responsible one anymore.

I'm out, okay?

And I'm not gonna bail you out

- when you forget that it's Mom's birthday... - Hold on.

- ...and you don't know what to get her. - Just calm down, Bow.

I'm not gonna put your name on a card,

and I am not gonna text you

to remind you that it's Mom's birthday.

- But, I... - No.

No buts, you guys, okay?

As far as I'm concerned, I'm an only child.

That's me. Goodbye.

- Babe? - What?

Proud of you.

Oh.

You did what you had to do.

Well, thank you.

Now, if you'd only let me block their numbers...

- Dre, come on. - Okay. Okay.

Too soon.

Gonna get that?

For our entire lives, I have looked out for them,

and I'm not doing it anymore.

That ends today. Boom. Boom.

Look, I was... I was talking about this last slice of pizza,

but I... I get where your head is.

I helped Johan understand his mixed identity.

- I have always, always covered for them. - Mm-hmm.

I mean, do you think I like being the responsible one?

I would like to be able to change my name, too.

You know, change it because I've run up my credit card debt

so that I can go run off to Burning Man.

You do not want to go to Burning Man.

- No, I do not. - Mnh-mnh.

- Civilization began with plumbing. - Yeah.

But if they only knew how much I did for them.

All right, I'm out.

Make sure they use a good picture for the milk carton.

Santi, this isn't funny.

Johan could have hurt himself somewhere.

Yeah, trying to show everyone he's "not a girl."

I know where he is.

You stay here. I'm gonna go get him.

Okay, but if I end up the only kid not lost, I'm gonna lose it.

See? I was the one who figured out where Johan was.

Why are they mad at me?

Epic fail, bro!

Heinous wipeout!

Hey, kid, you're next.

Johan, wait.

I know why you're doing this, and you don't have to.

Yes, I do. I have to show everyone that I'm not a girl.

No, you don't.

We're not the kind of family that cares about that,

and you shouldn't, either.

I guess you're right.

Let's go home.

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

- You're all right, little dude. - I'm good!

Denise, Denise. Wait a minute.

- You can't fire me, because I quit. - I wasn't gonna do that.

- I'm gonna burn this place down. - Look, you don't have...

But I need you to know something.

- Will you listen to me? - I didn't need your little

nickel-and-dime job anyway.

Will you let me finish?

You know, you remind me a lot of myself.

I was a slacker, too,

and then a mentor saw I had this ability,

the way I see it in you.

You think outside the box.

You have the innate ability

to find simple solutions to complicated problems.

And delegating to Brad and Dolores,

you found the two weakest personalities in this office,

and you exploited them.

That's stuff you can't teach.

I am very talented.

This isn't a file. It's a TV.

I want to help you get your certification as a paralegal.

Now, it's gonna be a lot of work, but...

but you're gonna make twice as much.

I'm in.

I'm just gonna make Dolores do all the work anyway.

I would keep that on the down-low.

What you know about down-low?

Mmm. Mmm.

- Where are our children? - Mm!

Uh...

You know, in my defense,

I-I never said I was good at watching kids.

I actually made that quite clear.

Look who I found at the stairs.

Oh, thank God! Come here!

Yeah, turns out he wasn't lost.

We just didn't know where he was for a small period of time.

Hi.

I'm really sorry, Mom.

I know you trust me to be the responsible one,

- and I let you down. - You didn't let me down.

I'm just being overprotective.

You guys are all going to different schools for the first time,

and the one good thing about the commune

is you were never alone.

And also, if you're independent now, you might not need me.

Oh, well, this one... this one's always gonna need you.

Last night, he choked on some toothpaste.

Mm.

You can ride your bike to school.

- Really? - Yeah.

Thank you!

Well, looks like everyone's safe, sound, and...

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's Santi?

Oh, that's the little one, right?

It was so cute.

She grabbed her stuff and asked where

the nearest Greyhound station was.

My guess is she's in the same place she always is

when we can't find her.

Turns out I was the one who was really lost today.

Don't worry, I've alerted the authorities.

It all worked out, Dre.

They think I'm gonna pick up, but I'm not.

You know what? I should be mad at them.

- Yeah. - I'm not answering that.

- Okay. - I'm not gonna answer it.

- Of course not. - I'm not answering the phone.

- Mm. - Not an...

I'm not...

I'm not talking to you two.

I-I know. We owe you an apology.

What?

We know you've always been there for us.

- Oh. - So thank you for pushing me...

literally at times.

Oh.

And for taking on the burden

of being the one everyone can count on,

because I-I know I'd be terrible at it.

Thank you.

Well, um, okay.

I have a confession, too.

Um...

I actually like being the responsible one.

Ooh.

I like being the one that everyone can root for,

the... the star of the show.

- You're the star... - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I am the star.

- My bad. - Okay.

So, guys, you know you can still make it, right?

Huh? You can still make it, and we can do this photo!

You coming?

Yeah, that's a great idea.

There's just one problem...

I'm actually at CoinCon in Tampa...

Wh...

...hiding in the closet at the convention center.

Yeah, and I've been sitting in lotus position so long

I can't feel my legs.

But I'll get there as soon as I can.

Okay. It's fine.

I will... I'll figure something out.

You always do.

- Love you, sis. - Love you.

Love you, too. Bye, you guys.

Bye.

Dre says bye.

Hurry up, Johan!

Childhood prepares you to become

the adult you end up being,

whether it's a carefree wanderer

with an adventurous spirit...

What are you...

...or a confident entrepreneur

who's never afraid to take a bet on themselves.

You know what? I have an idea.

Why don't we take a photo of the kids in their graduation shirts?

- Yeah! - You got it.

As for me, I realized

that I was destined to be a responsible, caring woman

- that had a fulfilling family life... - Ready?

...impeccable style,

and a successful career as a doctor.

Yes, we get it.

You put people to sleep for a living.

I fell asleep three times during that story.

Okay, three, two, one.

We've got a report of a missing, "charismatic" child?

That's for me!

Hi. I'm missing.

You didn't bring the news stations?

Uh... Sorry, Officer.

Yeah, um, we'll talk to our daughter.

- Yep. - Yep.

Uh, send someone who knows

how to shoot this skin tone.

- Okay. - Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, no, Mom!

- Mom! Mom! - Okay. Bye.

- Please. - No, no!

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