Original subtitles

Heads.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You had picked up the wrong life

in the glocum of existence.

You need a new life.

You're beautiful.

I'm going to have a baby.

SAMAD: My marriage to Alsana was arranged

by our respective families in 1946.

Twins.

Hey, you come down here. [INAUDIBLE].

She seems nice enough.

Look lively.

MAN: Bahadur Khan, you have been found

guilty of the crown of mutiny against Her Majesty Queen

Victoria.

Do you have anything to say before sentence is passed?

I am a martyr for the cause of our glorious nation,

which has been cruelly betrayed by the treacherous and godless

British, and have been forced to abandon the one and true

religion by a barbarous invader who shall be cast into the sea

for his ignorant presumption, whilst I, Bahadur Khan, shall

take my place in heaven with--

[THEME MUSIC]

Why am I here?

What do you want from me?

Is this it?

[KNOCKING]

What have I told you about skulking

in the bloody [INAUDIBLE]?

Now, get your ass out there.

There's a bloody football team just arrived.

[YELLING]

Hey, Abdul, 12 pints of lager!

I should not object to the jocular [INAUDIBLE] Abdul

if it were at least geographically accurate.

But it's not.

I am from Bangladesh, formerly East Pakistan.

Whereas the name Abdul is given exclusively to those born

in the Arabic countries, which are many hundreds of miles

to the west of my home land.

12 pints on their way, lads.

Just serve the food, you old fool.

You're a waiter, not a visiting professor

from Dakar University.

I'm not a waiter.

I'm a human being.

[YELLING]

SAMAD (VOICEOVER): When I come, she is asleep

and forbids me to wake her.

When I awake, she has gone to work.

Alim, what is your advice?

There are nine acts which invalidate the act

of fasting, Samad Iqbal.

And masturbation is number three, after eating

and sexual intercourse.

But what if a man is not fasting?

It is forbidden to have sexual intercourse with oneself.

But surely, if the man himself is pure-- well,

has it not been written, "to the pure, all things are pure?"

[MUSIC PLAYING - THOMPSON TWINS, "DOCTOR!

DOCTOR!"]

Good evening, Millat, Magid, Irie.

I said, good evening.

Hi, Mr. Iqbal.

ALSANA: Where have you been, Samad Iqbal?

If you must know, I was consulting the alim

at the mosque on a delicate matter

of theological philosophy.

Hm.

Well, you'll be late for the PTA meeting.

Didn't the alim mention that?

[SCOFFS]

You've forgotten it again, haven't it?

Archie'll be here any minute.

MILLAT: Keep it down, [INAUDIBLE].

SAMAD: Turn off that infernal noise.

Sorry, chief.

It's top of the pops.

What is this "chief?"

It's a colloquial term of abuse,

meaning ass, wanker, or loser of colossal proportions.

[DOORBELL]

ALSANA: Would that be Archie?

Millat, go to your room.

Wait!

SAMAD: Millat!

ALSANA: Leave the boy alone, can't you?

[DOORBELL]

Samad [INAUDIBLE], don't just stand there.

Let Archie in.

[SCOFFS]

Is Mark coming to chess club?

Mark?

Who Mark?

There's nobody called Mark here.

You must have the wrong house.

Hi, Mark.

MAGID: Hi.

Mark?

What is this Mark?

I give you a glorious name like Magid

Maffouz [INAUDIBLE] Iqbal, and you want to be called Mark?

Mark?

You should be proud of your glorious name and family.

Your great-great grandfather was Bahadur Khan,

the man who started the great Indian mutiny.

He was a hero and a martyr.

He was a man who changed the world.

What does it matter, Abu?

You're just a waiter.

[CAR HONKING]

Hop in, Sam.

Have you ever been crushed by the feelings

that your whole life was a waste of time?

Have you ever confronted your god, Archie,

and demanded of him, why am I here?

We'll be late,

I think I'll walk.

[HORN HONKING]

BOWDEN-JONES: Mr. Iqbal? [INAUDIBLE] Burt-Jones?

I teach Millat and Magid.

Remember?

Ye-- yes, Mrs. Burt-Jones.

Uh, excuse me, I was--

Did you want a lift?

You are going to the PTA meeting, aren't you?

Thank you.

Not at all.

And it's "Miss."

You must be so proud of the twins, Mr. Iqbal.

Please call me Samad.

Oh.

What an interesting name.

So vigorous somehow.

Em, item three.

Item three is the harvest festival.

Table by Mr. Iqbal.

And there he is, just on time.

Over to you, Mr. Iqbal.

SAMAD: Ah.

Ah, yes Mrs. Miniver.

My point is why do we have to have a harvest festival?

And why must my children celebrate it?

Yes, Mr. Iqbal.

Well, the school recognizes a great variety of religious

and also secular events.

MAN: Here, here.

From Yom Kippur to Ramadan and the death

of Martin Luther King.

And the harvest festival is part of our ongoing commitment

towards cultural diversity.

And are there are many pagans in the school, Mrs. Miniver?

[CHUCKLING]

It's-- it's Ms.-- Ms. Miniver.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-- I understood you were die-vorced.

Yes.

That's right.

Well, I-- I just feel that marital status

shouldn't be an issue.

WOMAN: Hear, hear.

WOMAN: Hear, hear.

WOMAN: Well, I disagree with that.

The Christian calendar has 37 religious events.

And the Muslim calendar has only nine.

And they are being squeezed out by this plague

of Christian festivals.

I say some of them have to go.

And what better place to start than this harvest thing?

You know, this is just the kind of parental involvement

we need.

Well, I'm afraid removing Christian festivals

from the face of the Earth is rather beyond my jurisdiction.

But this is my point precisely.

Where in the Bible does it say, thou must steal food

stuffs from thy parents' fridge and bring

them into school assembly?

Where it does is say, you must take a box

of frozen fish fingers and a coconut

to an aged crone that dwelt in Wilson?

Mr. Iqbal, this school condemns cultural fascism

and religious imperialism wherever it finds it.

Except the harvest festival.

Touche.

[APPLAUSE]

Right.

Em, shall we take a vote on it?

Yeah.

MALFEN: Mr. Iqbal.

Hard luck.

Well, thank you for your support.

I don't think we've been properly introduced.

Marcus Malfen.

My wife, Joyce.

Our son Josh is the same class as your twins.

Oh, yes.

Of course.

They-- they often speak of him.

Ah. No surprise there.

Joyce.

Josh is quite a character.

Well, I'm sure it's his academic achievements

which have caught the eye.

Oh, Marcus.

You must forgive a certain amount

of paternal pride, Mr. Iqbal.

My husband is something of an academic.

Are you in academia, Mr. Iqbal?

Uh, me?

No.

I-- I own a restaurant.

Really?

Well, can we offer you a lift?

Thanks, no.

Archie's dropping me home.

Well, cheerio, then.

Samad.

I thought you were brilliant in there.

You really put Katie Miniver in her place.

I think it's just-- just so refreshing

to get the eastern perspective.

Uh, can I give you a lift home?

Samad?

Samad, hop in.

We'll still make last call.

Eh, I'm sorry, Archie, one of the bloody teachers

wants to talk to me about something.

Oh, dear.

What's Millat done now?

I dread to think.

It may take some time.

It's no problem. I'll wait.

No.

No, really.

You'd better get off.

I'll be fine.

[INAUDIBLE].

I'd sooner have my guts for [INAUDIBLE].

I'll just wait.

Listen, Archie, bugger off.

Don't you worry about me, I've got me paper.

Very well.

I'm just so interested in Indian Culture i always tell

the children there's so much we can learn about other people

from their culture.

People are like camels.

There's barely one in 100 you can trust with your life.

[CHUCKLING]

You're very funny.

I am?

Oh, yeah.

I think so.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOLLYWOOD DANCE MUSIC]

Mr. Iqbal.

SAMAD (VOICEOVER): After all, it stands

to reason if a man instead himself is pure and truthful,

then truly, where's the sin?

Quiet, everybody.

Quiet, everybody, please.

Could you all get your harvest festival offerings

and form into a group?

Quickly as possible.

Quickly.

Come on, quickly as possible.

Has everyone got their harvest festival offerings?

Yes, Miss Burt-Jones.

And have you all got the address

of a deserving old age pensioner that you're going to visit?

Yes, Miss Burt-Jones.

Great.

Any questions?

Why do we have to have Josh Malfen in our group?

BURT-JONES: Super.

Off you go, then.

I won't be back between shifts today.

Just need to do a few errands.

Uh, things.

I got that last Christmas.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, Josh.

What's in the box?

It's a hamper, actually.

It's a hamper.

Come on, Irie.

Millat!

[MUSIC STOPS]

[INAUDIBLE].

Scot's harvest.

I simply cannot eat anything unless it

has been pulverized beforehand.

My own fault. Years of neglect.

Never a priority in the army, dental hygiene.

One sometimes forgets the significance of one's teeth.

We're not like the lower animals--

teeth replaced regularly, et cetera.

We are mammals, you see.

But on the other hand, clean, white teeth

are not always an advantage.

When I was in the Congo, it was dark as buggery.

But one could always spot the nigger

by the whiteness of his teeth.

Poor bastards.

Stomach open, guts on your shoes.

Beautiful boys enlisted by the Krauts.

I wanna go home.

My dad was in the British army.

Dear me, no.

There were certainly no wogs.

You stupid, stupid old bastard!

It's the wisdom teeth that get you in end, of course.

They're your father's teeth, you see?

And a man must grow into them or it all goes wrong.

Come on!

And when they start to rot, there's no way back.

[DOORBELL]

Em, are they for me?

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Sam, it's a coconut.

Yeah, it's a mixed up thing.

It's brown and rough on the outside,

but white and fresh and juicy, like a fruit inside.

We use it in curry sometimes.

It's lovely.

Em, shall I put these in water?

SAMAD (VOICEOVER): Surely it's only natural.

Not that anything has happened yet, natural or otherwise,

as you know.

And if it is natural, then it must be

in accordance with your wishes.

POPPY: Don't worry, the wiring on the whole street's

pretty [INAUDIBLE].

Forgive me.

Miss Burt-Jones, I have made a terrible mistake.

I should not have come here today.

I'm a married man, and a Muslim.

You are my son's teacher.

I beg you to forget my impudence and stupidity in the car

the other tonight.

I was not myself.

This cannot happen.

Sorry, what were you saying?

To the pure, all things are pure.

--[INAUDIBLE], the man just running errands.

No.

There is something strange about him lately.

I mean, he never bathes before work.

You know, he didn't even object when I packed

the twins off with their harvest festival offerings

this morning.

Something is definitely going on.

[INAUDIBLE], what is this latest perversion you're paddling,

huh?

Jesus.

Man, how the other half live.

ALSANA: What other half?

The other half that get some passion once in a while.

It's too late for regrets, Clara.

You married Archie on the rebound, and there it is.

Anyway, he's a good man.

Could have done a lot worse.

Samad Miah, for instance.

POPPY: Yeah!

[MOANING]

Look, if you think he's up to something,

why don't you just ask him?

The very idea.

That is so typical of you.

There is no communication--

Hey, I don't need advice on marriage

from a sex-crazed lesbian, thank you very much.

Yeah? WOMAN: You're just jealous--

Well, you see, the truth is [INAUDIBLE] shame.

For a marriage to survive, this is

exactly what you should avoid.

Hm?

All this talk, talk, talk business.

Especially when your husband is old, wrinkly,

and falling apart.

So let me get this straight.

You're telling me that the key to a healthy marriage

is repression?

Exactly.

[LAUGHING]

What is that?

You know, for myself, I can't believe

homosexuality is that much fun.

Heterosexuality certainly isn't.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I'm a Muslim.

And a married man.

You're my son's teacher.

For the pure, all things are pure.

Hello, Magid.

Magid.

IRIE: [INAUDIBLE].

Hey, Granddad.

Hi, Nana.

Nana?

Your grandfather has gone on before us to face

the wrath of the lord, child.

You will have to tell your godless mother, [INAUDIBLE],

because I'm not speaking to her.

Oh, Jehovah, I beseech you--

TV NARRATOR: [INAUDIBLE] gave a big yawn,

and settled down to sleep.

[PHONE RINGING]

4512?

What, now?

[CLARA SOBBING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm currently conducting an adulterous affair

with Burt-Jones.

An affair?

With Poppy Burt-Jones?

Well, I'm shocked, Sam.

I am.

I mean, she teaches our kids.

She shouldn't be up to that sort of nonsense.

Damn it, Archie.

That's not the point.

The point, Archie, is this.

Every time I look at my twins, my heart shatters.

I keep thinking, how can I offer my boys

any moral and spiritual guidance when

I myself have lost my bearings?

When I myself am unutterably corrupt?

Well, if I was you, Samad, I'd pack it

in with Mrs. Burt-Jones.

I really would.

Miss.

Miss Burt-Jones.

But, on the other hand, out of sight, out of mind.

Least said, soonest mended.

So what I say is heads you pack it in, tails you don't.

I can't decide my life on the toss of a coin.

I'm a Muslim.

Well, the gambling, boozing, philandering sort of Muslim.

Heads.

Best of three?

No.

Allah has spoken.

This lustful madness has no future.

SAMAD: Oh, mama.

[MOANING]

Oh, [INAUDIBLE].

To the pure, all things are pure.

[SEWING MACHINE WHIRRING]

REPORTER (ON TELEVISION): At least

250 people have already died.

And Mrs. Gandhi says she will not tolerate terrorism.

Sikh leaders, including some extremists,

have taken refuge in the Golden Temple.

Magid, still awake, my son?

Has intercourse taken place?

No.

Samad, you should never have gone all religious?

All that guilt, it's not good for you.

It's not guilt, Shiva.

It's fear.

At my age, you become concerned about your faith.

You don't want to leave things too late.

I have been corrupted by England.

It's just a normal midlife crisis.

What nonsense you babble.

I should not have come to this country.

It was the start of all my problems.

Who can live in such a godless wasteland?

Who can raise children in such a place?

Wild graffiti, condoms on pavements,

harvest festivals, teacher temptresses, Mrs. Thatcher.

Well, go back home then.

On what we earn in this miserable sweatshop?

How is it possible?

We are trapped.

Trapped in this chicken tikka purgatory.

She's not Sikh, is she?

English.

Ay, ay, ay.

It never works.

Too much history.

SAMAD (VOICEOVER): I'm weak.

I'm weak.

Give me a sign.

Do you know what really interests me

about Indian culture?

SAMAD (VOICEOVER): Tell me what I must do.

I must have a sign.

Not the music or the sounds.

SAMAD (VOICEOVER): Without a sign, I can do nothing.

It's not even the mysticism.

It's the incredible self-control, you know?

It's that spiritual thing, like you have in India.

I'm from Bangladesh.

[BUS DINGING]

Hey! Hey!

Wait! Wait!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Archie, it's me.

I have had a sign.

What is it?

It's a message.

A beacon sent to light my way in the darkness.

Nasty looking piece of work.

This, dear friend, is a portrait

of a man who started what you English

call the Great Indian Mutiny.

This is my great grandfather, Bahadur Khan.

His sacrifice, Archie, brought a nation

to take up arms against an alien ruler,

and culminated in a mass uprising

without parallel in world history.

This, Archie, was a man who said no

to the fifth, the corruption, and the provisions

of the infidel.

This, Archie, was a man who made a stand.

Oh.

That's mahogany, you know?

How much was it?

This painting, Jones, was sent to me as a warning.

First, the fornication with Miss Burt-Jones must end.

Um, I thought it already had.

And second, I must be true to my religion,

my family, my past.

I too must make a stand.

What sort of stand?

Stand against the corruption of the West.

I must save my sons from eternal damnation.

I must return them to their roots.

I must return them to Bangladesh.

Crikey.

Alsana?

Alsie?

[ALSANA SOBBING]

REPORTER (ON RADIO): --while people looted shops.

I can't believe this has happened.

Alsana, my love, I am sorry.

I can explain.

I can explain everything.

If you will only listen.

ALSANA: You stupid idiot.

You think I'm incapable of understanding

what has happened?

Of course.

Of course.

You are angry.

And you have a right to be.

ALSANA: Of course I'm angry.

Well, what did you expect?

But can't you find it in yourself to forgive?

Never.

Well, don't you realize there'll be blood on the streets

back home because of this?

Oh, must you tell your family?

They would have already heard by now, you idiot.

It's on the world service everywhere.

It is?

ALSANA: Of course.

Haven't you heard?

Indira Gandhi has been assassinated, gunned

down by her own treacherous bodyguards

in revenge for Amritsar.

Now, there'll be riots at home.

Jihads.

Avenge attacks.

People dying everywhere.

I thank Allah my own dear children

are safe from all that madness.

Perhaps this stupid country is not their home.

At least they won't die in the gutter like rats.

[RADIO ANNOUNCER SPEAKING FAINTLY]

ARCHIE: What did Alsie say to your plan, then?

Although she certainly will welcome the idea in principle,

she may need a little time to grasp

the finer points of detail.

You haven't told her, have you?

On reflection, I have decided it would definitely

be better for you to break it to her,

when they're safely on the plane.

What, me?

Of course.

Who else?

Well, crikey, Samad.

I don't know about that.

Thank you, Archie.

I'm not ungrateful.

What about Miss Burt-Jones?

Was she all right about everything?

When you get to my age, Archie, you realize the secret of life

is timing.

Blimey, you haven't told her either, have you?

I thought perhaps next time you went to a PTA meeting,

you might have a quiet word--

Oh, I'd love to help you out, old son.

But, uh, I'll tell you what, why don't we toss for this one?

Don't worry, Archie.

Allah is great.

I suppose you'll want me to lend you the bloody money

as well. -No, Archie.

Thank you.

As you anticipated, the bank did not relish the idea.

And I must make my own financial arrangements

to send the twins home.

But I do not beg for favors from friends--

when I am owed a fortune by my own family.

You are?

Oh, yes.

Over the years, my greedy pig of a cousin, Ardashir,

has grown fat and rich from my labors.

But now, it's payback time.

Cousin.

May I have a word?

What is it?

Simply this.

I have been working here for some 10 years.

10 years as a faithful servant to this establishment.

I feel the time has come for my contributions

to our business to be honored in a more substantial way.

Don't mistake me, Samad.

We are both intelligent me.

Thank you.

I understand your position.

But you must understand mine.

If I made allowances for every relative of mine

who asked for a massive pay increase, well-- for example,

that fat, no good, butcher has raised the price I have

to pay for his stinking meat.

But [INAUDIBLE] we are family.

Yes, yes, Ardashir, he says to me.

But this is business.

You see what I'm saying?

[CHILDREN YELLING]

[WHISTLE]

[CHEERING]

It's hopeless, Archie.

Whichever way I do the sums, however I remortgage my house,

whatever I borrow and scrape together, I

have only sufficient money to send one of my sons

back to Bangladesh.

Yeah.

Go on.

[WHISTLE]

[CHEERING]

Good goal!

SAMAD: So the question is which one?

The pompous know-it-all who wants to be English?

Or the idle good-for-nothing who wants to be American?

Come on.

Well, send Magid.

Magid?

Why Magid?

Well, Millat's the best out and out

striker I've seen at his age.

Lose him and the whole team falls apart.

Football?

You talk to me about football in a crisis like this?

Well, no.

But, um, think about it.

Magid is clever.

He'll settle quicker, learn the language quicker.

Yes, Archie.

But on the other hand, Millat is a rebellious nature.

It is he who is most in need of spiritual and moral

redirection.

It is he who would surely benefit most

from the teaching of Islam.

[WHISTLE]

Oh.

[BOOING]

Millat!

Millat.

Good bye, my son.

One day.

You will thank me one day.

MAGID: Abu?

Magid.

Why did Miss Burt-Jones kiss you?

I saw you on the high street.

She kissed you.

On the lips.

Have you mentioned this to anyone?

No, Abu.

SAMAD (ON PHONE): Change of plan, Archie.

It has to be Magid.

Magid?

You sure?

Absolutely.

Magid it is.

The sooner he's on a plane to Bangladesh, the better.

Righty-o.

What's brought all this on?

Never mind.

Otherwise, everything is as we discussed.

The twins will come for a sleepover at your place

tonight while Clara and Alsana will go and see

Splash at the [INAUDIBLE].

Wait till you are sure they're asleep.

Then sneak in.

Carry Magid out to your car and drive over

here without waking him up.

Simplicity itself, even for you.

[HANGING UP PHONE]

[HANGING UP PHONE]

Oh, christ.

MARCUS MALFEN: Hello, Samad.

Marcus Malfen, remember?

And my wife Joyce.

Hello.

And this is Josh.

We've been meaning to try out your restaurant for ages.

We love ethnic food, don't we, Marcus?

MARCUS: We do.

And of course, it's an important part of Josh's

all round social education.

Come, please.

Good evening, sir.

Thanks.

So what are your specialities here?

[HINDI].

Mm, sounds delicious.

I loathe curry.

-Goodness, what a choice. -MARCUS: Isn't there?

Thank you.

Listen, Shiva.

Uh, they think it's my restaurant.

Oh.

Two weeks' tips.

What?

Make that three.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Stop skiving in there, Samad.

Table four is asking for you.

Remember me?

Miss Burt-Jones.

I-- I meant to call you.

It must have slipped my mind.

Miss Burt-Jones, I regret to inform you

that our sinful liaison has come to an end.

What?

My forefathers have spoken to me.

They gave me a sign.

Oh, they did, did they?

Th-- that's it, then, is it?

It's over. -Please.

Please keep your voice down.

I don't wanna keep my voice down.

I'm sorry.

I have nothing more to say.

Nothing more to say?

What, no cheesy eastern wisdom on offer?

MARCUS: Ah, I think we're ready.

Are you ready to order, madam?

No.

I'm ready to talk.

Are you ready to talk?

I want to talk, you two-faced bastard.

I'm talking to you.

Too much history.

Am--

Any papadums, madam?

Something to drink?

Screw your papadums.

I want an explanation.

ARDASHIR: Samad, table five.

Samad. [INAUDIBLE].

We're ready.

POPPY: Well, then?

MARCUS: Ah, I think we're ready.

ARDASHIR: Samad?

What happened?

You're so bloody late.

I couldn't tell them apart.

I had to wake one of them up, and it was Millat.

And Magid wouldn't leave without Irie.

And--

[GROANING]

Samad! Samad!

Get out!

Samad!

Samad!

Cowardly bastard!

Fuck you!

Fuck India!

That's it. I've had it.

He's fired. You're head waiter now, Shiva.

Come. Come.

Will I be back for Monday, Abu?

It's chemistry first thing.

Yes, Magid.

I promise.

You will thank me.

You will thank me in the end.

This country is tearing us apart.

This country is tearing us apart.