Original subtitles

Should we do something tonight?

We should. We should finish packing.

I can't, I'm too tired.

Tough day?

No. I made lattes.

We really should leave by 8 tomorrow,

I don't want to get stuck in traffic.

You sound like your dad.

Why was the squirrel late for work?

Because traffic was nuts.

Oh, boo!

Wait, you don't like that one? I got more.

If I promise we'll be in the car by 8, will you stop?

Mm-hm.

- Hey. - I read the book you recommended.

- Mm... - Oh, yeah?

I didn't like it.

Your food will be ready in five minutes.

Thanks.

She did not like it.

She mean.

No? I'm hungry.

Well, I mean, we could order some Chinese take-out,

you know, if you're hungry.

Wow, what a suggestion. Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. It's just a thought.

- Oh. - Oh?

What's happening?

I don't know. What is happening?

Oh, it is. You like this.

Stupid.

- Am I embarrassing you? - Mm-hm.

I can do this all day.

Marry me.

Hey...

Morning.

Can we at least talk about last night?

You should get dressed, we gotta get on the road.

- Doug. - Lori.

You can't possibly think you're coming, you dumped me.

Uh, yeah I am. I'm in the wedding.

You're barely in the wedding.

I'm the King of the Ushers.

Well, it's my sister. You're not coming.

Do we really need all this shit?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, we do.

Bea texted.

What are you gonna tell her?

- Hey, did I press play? - Yeah.

- I'm sorry, I... - Yes!

I know, but I just keep taking pictures instead of video.

- Um, hey, I'm Jayson - I'm Bea, I'm on a boat!

Baby, you don't have to be that loud.

- What? Wait... - Okay, we're excited.

Anyways, I know this is, uh, probably gonna be a little strange, um,

but... but here goes nothing.

Four weeks ago, I was at the Sydney airport,

and I heard this person going on and on and on...

No, I wasn't. I was just talking.

I'm simply talking about playing Skee-Ball at

the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, so...

Which is exactly what I used to do when I was a kid,

and I'd never met ev... ever met anyone else

- who would ever know what Lake of the Ozarks is. - Lake of the Ozarks!

Okay, so this is not just an introduction,

'cause like I said, I am Bea.

- Yep. - Beatrice.

Yeah, and I'm Jayson. Jayson.

It's also an announcement. 'Cause we're getting married!

- Yeah, so we're getting married. - We're getting married!

Okay, so when the video ends,

that'll be my grand entrance to my favorite song.

"Pony," by Ginuwine.

Yeah, with a G.

Perfect.

We're just so thrilled that you've chosen

the Arrowhead Pines Lodge for your special day.

Well, Bea loved it here when it was a summer camp, so...

I always thought my wedding should be fun, you know?

And what is more fun than getting married

at the place where you got your first period?

Hi. We have a reservation.

- Name? - But...

um, we just... we have a king bed and we need two beds.

Please.

Yeah, thing is, we're fully booked.

We have a wedding this weekend.

Yes, I am aware, it is my sister's wedding.

No, we'll just keep the suite.

What are you gonna do, sleep on the floor?

Can't you just, like, upgrade someone else?

We'll take whatever.

I can switch you guys over to a cabin.

Great.

They're not heated, though.

Who needs heat.

Okay, well, I have to type all of this in,

so it's gonna be a couple hours.

- Take your time. - Okay.

Oh, shit.

- You ready for this? - No.

Neither am I.

Run.

- Ah! Oh, my God! - Oh, my... Hey.

- Mom! - Hi. My favorite couple.

- Hey. - How are you?

I thought you guys were gonna get here earlier.

We were hoping to have lunch with you,

but your grandparents got hungry at 10:30.

Oh, well, you know, we were, um, delayed.

Anyway...

What happened?

We, uh...

Uh, we... we, uh... we hit a bird.

Oh, no. Is it okay?

It's dead.

It's so nice to see you.

You too. Oh, God.

Ugh! They get engaged after a couple of days.

She wants to get married at her old summer camp.

Oh, well, I think it's kinda cool to get married at...

There are friendship bracelets in the welcome bags.

Mom, you promised.

They'll be through by Christmas.

Watch.

- Hey, sis. What's up? - Hi.

Lori, good to see you.

- Dougie. - Hey, man, what's up?

- Hey. - Oh, boy. All right.

- Yeah. - Hey!

- Oh, man. - It's so great to finally meet you.

- Yeah. - Gosh. Hey, um, the wedding planner

absolutely loved your ribbon on the chair idea, so...

A lot of people like ribbon.

Yeah, I mean, I... I personally love ribbons.

I think I see Aunt Jean.

You're here! You're here!

- There she is, there she is. - Oh, my God, you're here.

- Hi. - Oh, my God.

A little excited to see her sister.

- A little bit. - Yeah.

- Look at your hair. - Oh, yeah. Check this out.

Oh, wow.

So I rented a store front. I'm launching, like,

as soon as I get back from the honeymoon.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. Wait. Launching what?

Scrunchies.

Bespoke scrunchies.

- Seriously? - Yeah. Jay's an early investor.

You gotta get in on the ground floor.

And I screwed that up with the Honest Company.

Friggin' Jessica Alba. Genius.

Okay, I was gonna wait until the day of the wedding,

but here you go.

Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, hey.

So everyone knows you're my maid of honor.

Yeah, I lo... I love it.

- Yeah? - It's beautiful.

- I put it on like this? - Please.

Okay. Yeah, you like?

- Hi. - Hi.

It looks really great.

God. God, I love this hoodie. I love how old it looks.

Did it come that way?

No, it's just old.

- Hm. Like Jay? - Yeah.

- What'd you just say? - Nothing.

- She called you old, man. - Oh...

Guilty. I am older than her, this is true.

Hey, what suite are you guys staying in?

- Uh... - Oh, uh, we actually...

We switched to one of the cabins.

- Oh... cozy. - Ah, fine.

But we can't get in for a couple of hours, so we're...

- What? - Yeah.

Let me go talk to Mike.

Go get 'em, baby.

U...

Where's the N?

Hey, Mike.

- Oh, what's up? - What's up?

Hey, um, did you cut your hair?

No, it's just behind my shoulders.

Ah, see, before, you had it in the front.

- Yeah. - In the front.

So, my brother and sister just got here.

- They need a room. - Right.

Yeah, they... can they get... can they get one now?

Yeah, I told them I could maybe switch 'em to a cabin.

- Oh, sweet. - Yeah, they got...

You got... Do you have... Can they... Can they get a key?

Yeah, yeah, I got a couple, I have, uh, Red Rover,

Hopscotch, and Duck, Duck, Goose.

Which one do you recommend?

- Duck, Duck, Goose. - Sweet.

- Red Rover's haunted. - What?

- Yeah. - Nice.

Cha-ching! You guys are in Duck, Duck, Goose.

All right. Uh, what does that mean?

I guess you'll find out.

Oh, look, honey, it's Dominic.

- Which one's Dominic? - Dominic, my Peace Corps buddy.

- From Swaziland. - What...

- Dude has six toes. - Oh, my God, yes!

Yeah, I know, it's so gross.

Let's... Let's go talk to him.

This is just gonna be so much easier

when it's you two getting married.

You already know everyone.

Hi.

A lot of fuckin' ducks in here.

And it is, technically, two beds.

I'm gonna take a shower.

Hey, do you mind if I wash my hands before you...

Five minutes.

Cool.

- You feelin' okay? - Uh, yeah, yeah.

I just gotta, um...

Yeah, uh, bathroom.

Lori.

Hey, it's, uh, Eric. I'm Bea's friend.

From back in high school.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

- What's up? - Eric, hi.

- Hey. - Oh, my God, you're an adult.

- Yeah, yeah. - And you're very tall.

Yeah. What's up?

- Hi. - Hey.

All right.

So, uh, tell me what you've been up to?

Um... not much, man,

I'm just still working at my dad's landscaping company.

Just gettin' baked and mowing lawns and...

So, just like high school?

Just like high school.

Um, what about you?

I work at a coffee shop.

Nice. As, like, a manager or...

No.

Oh...

God, Lori fuckin' Anderson.

It's good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Oh, shit. Whoa!

Sorry. Um...

Sorry, everybody.

- Uh... - Go, Doug!

Technical difficulties. I'm so sorry.

Uh...

Hi. Uh...

Doug. Um, so... so Bea asked me to... to speak this weekend,

um, and given that the, uh...

the best man speaks at the wedding,

and the groomsmen speak at the rehearsal dinner,

um, uh, she wasn't exactly sure

when the King of the Ushers should speak,

um, but, uh, she eventually decided that tonight was... was safe, you know,

before any of the important out-of-town guests arrive.

Um...

so, um...

So when... when Bea and I first met, uh...

she was drunk.

She... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, it gets worse.

She was also in middle school.

Um...

I had, uh...

I had just started dating this... this wonderful girl,

uh... Lori, and, um,

we'd only been going out for a few weeks,

but she invited me to come to her mom's house for Thanksgiving.

So Lori and I were up in her room,

and we hear this... this strange crash from outside.

Oh, my God.

Which is, apparently, the sound that you make

when you ride your sled into a concrete birdbath

after downing 12 Jell-O shots

at your BFF's Black Friday party.

Anyway, I... I spent that... that night in the ER

with my... my new girlfriend, and, uh...

and her little sister,

and we talked about life and love,

and how much it hurts to throw up

after knocking out all your teeth.

And, uh... And we bonded.

And so, uh, I'm... I'm so, so happy

to... to be here to...

to, uh... to congratulate you,

um, after ten years. You know?

Um, ten years as a... as a...

as a part of this family, um...

to congratulate you on your marriage.

Uh, you're... Here's to you, Bea.

You're the...

the little sister that I never had.

Mmm...

It was perfect.

- It wasn't too much? - No, I loved it.

Where's my champagne?

You okay?

Oh, yeah, peachy.

Yeah, I saw you leave, I just thought that...

- I got drinks. - Hey.

- Hey. - That's for you.

That one's for Dougie.

And I think that's the one with the mescaline.

- Hm? - No, I meant...

mescal, I don't know, just drink it.

Hey, so, um...

we needed to tell you something, uh...

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Um, we needed to t...

Uh, we want to tell you...

- We, uh... - What?

- That we, um... - We...

- What? - We are so happy for you.

We're so, uh... I'm just so happy for you, sweetie.

- Really? - Yeah.

You promise?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're just...

we're so happy for you guys.

- Really? - Totally.

- Yeah. - You're getting married, my little sister.

Ahh!

- Thank you. - Yeah.

I'm getting married!

You sure are.

What the fuck? Lori.

We had a plan.

Yes, I know. I just...

Come on, she looks so happy.

Okay, so then when are we gonna tell her,

like, when she's at the rehearsal dinner,

when she's walking down the aisle?

I don't know, I just... I don't know,

maybe we could just not tell her?

Maybe we could just not tell anyone.

Wait, you mean pretend we're still together?

Shh.

It's just... just until the wedding is over.

- I don't know. - Please?

Please?

Three days?

- Three days. - Okay, Doug, Doug,

can Lori stay with me tonight?

'Cause Jayson's, like, crashing with the guys,

and just... I don't want to be alone.

Oh, yeah, sure, I was gonna call it a night anyway.

No, no, no, wait. What time is it?

Well, look, I'm beat,

and we got the whole weekend to hang.

So, I'll see you... in the morning?

- Huh? - Fine.

- So hug me. - All right.

Mm-hm.

Mm... All right. Kiss Lori.

Oh, my God, so lame.

Try again.

Hm. So gross.

Dougie!

- Yo. - Hey, come meet the guys.

- Hi, bud. - Hey, man.

Come here. Good to see ya.

Hey, uh, this is Ari, Dominic and Chaz.

- This is Doug. - Hey. Ari, best man, officiant.

- Uh... - Oh, no, I'm good.

Have a seat. Have a seat, bud.

Oh, hey, nice speech.

Ah, Doug, seriously, that speech.

- Oh, thanks, man. - Yeah. Yeah, I mean,

you must be in big fuckin' trouble.

What do you mean?

Uh, the younger sister getting married

before the older one?

That's some Jane Austen shit.

Yeah, well, you know.

Lori doesn't really care about marriage.

She doesn't really care about anything.

So...

Mazel. To, uh, women who don't care.

I can't believe this fuckin' room.

Mm. Well...

Mom said the towels were too thin.

No.

She made me drive her to Bed Bath & Beyond

- to get a new set. - No!

The worst.

I know.

Do you think if she had us when she was older,

we'd be less fucked up?

Mm... no. We'd still be nuts.

You nut.

Yerp, yerp!

We've discussed this and it's a singular yerp.

It's utter nonsense, and not a real word.

What are you doing here?

I didn't think you came in until tomorrow.

- I took a sick day. - Of course you did.

- Yes. - Of course you did.

This is... Guys, this is Roya.

- Hello. - My friend from work, Roya.

- Hi. Nice to meet you, hi. - These are the fellas.

- Hi. Hi. - Roya.

Now you get to do Paul Bunyan Day.

- Yes, Paul Bunyan Day. - Yes!

Should I know who that is?

Are you serious?

Very serious, yes.

Oh, well, uh, yeah, he's... he's like the, uh...

the most important character in American folklore.

- Really? - Yeah.

Yeah, he's a 20 foot tall lumberjack.

And his best friend is a big blue ox.

- He loved pancakes. - Well, that doesn't help at all.

All right, and tomorrow is, uh, his day.

Well, I mean, it's really just an excuse to play drinking games,

but, yeah.

I stopped taking birth control.

That's... soon.

I know, but I want to create life, man.

Can you even imagine?

When Jayson talks about his son being born,

he's like...

I don't know, he, like, tears up.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen

in my entire life.

- How old is he? - Nine.

He's the fuckin' best.

No part of you that thinks about having kids with Doug?

I don't know, I just... I got this...

I thought it was, like, an in the future thing.

I know, but what does he think about that?

Do you want another drink?

Yes.

Me, too.

- Oh, man. - This was Lori at her junior prom.

- Look at that dress. - Wow.

She insisted on buying one from a thrift store.

Her mother was apoplectic.

Ooh, speak of the devil.

- Hey. - Hey.

I was, uh, just telling your mom that you wanted to sleep in.

Did you have a lot of drinks last night?

What?

Oh, we were just telling Doug

about the new house in Asheville.

You gotta see it, honey, it's a real beaut.

Four acres.

Oh, if you have time,

we have all these Southwest points

if you need help with the flights.

- We don't have that many. - Oh, shh.

Oh, yeah, um,

Doug's really busy with work these days, so...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, super busy.

There's a lot of manuscripts that need to get edited, so...

Oh, well, he still gets vacation days, doesn't he?

And if you come in December, you get to see all the lights.

Well, I mean, we could, uh... we could...

we could check our calendars.

Sweetie, can you show me where the food is?

Now?

What are you doing over there?

Well, I thought that was the plan,

the two of us still together.

You are literally making vacation plans

with my grandparents.

I'm just trying to put on a good show.

This is my life.

These are my people.

You don't have to deal with them after this weekend,

I do.

You're right.

I'm sorry. Okay?

Maybe we should... take a little space.

Yeah, maybe.

Avoid other people.

Keep a low profile.

Yeah, I think that would really help.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first and only...

Paul Bunyan Day!

Team Babe!

Team Lumberjack!

All right, you each have maps of the campgrounds.

You're supposed to make your way across camp,

and find the first of 11 golden axes

located next to the blue star.

As soon as the flare gun goes off,

each team must consume two cases of Nati Light.

And make your way down river to the Ferris wheel.

Whoever gets there first, and kills the pony keg,

wins the golden axe.

Oh, man, we gotta kill a pony?

- N... - Okay, does everyone understand the rules?

- No! - Okay!

And we're off!

Let's go!

Let's go.

You guys, this is so sweet.

Wait, which team are you guys on?

Oh, uh, we're... we're not playing,

we're... we're the refs.

- No. - Forget that. You guys are playin'.

We can't play and host.

Yeah, I mean, we're the only ones that know where the golden axes are,

I mean, and somebody's gotta stay sober.

Sober, schmober, come on, you have to do it for me.

For her. Look.

My wedding.

- For her. - Okay.

- I guess. - Yes! Okay.

Doug's on my team. Doug's on my team.

Ah, buddy, we're gonna burn this whole forest down.

Uh, we... No, we're gonna win together.

- I get stuck with Lori. - Oh, come on.

I can hold my liquor much better than Doug over there.

Oh, bullshit, you can.

Says the guy who got drunk off three kombuchas?

- Ooh... - Well, at least I didn't get blackout drunk on Jager bombs

and make out with my anthropology TA.

Ooh...

Whoa.

- Oof. - Beer me!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah.

Let's go, Lori, come on, Lori, come on, Lori,

let's go, let's go, let's go.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

That's my sister!

To the boats!

So, this is an American wedding.

Uh, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

The first golden axe is ours!

- Let's go! - Whoo!

To the Ferris wheel!

Oh, no. We lost.

Oh, don't worry, man. We're gonna catch up later.

Exactly. Everyone, huddle up.

Come on, bring it in.

Operation Tortoise is in full effect.

What's Operation Tortoise?

Oh, we tossed the first challenge.

It's a volume game.

We let 'em get shitcanned, then we crush 'em later.

Or whatever. Let's get incredibly stoned.

Mm-hm. Weed hamantaschen, Doug?

Oh, no, I... I gotta stay sharp.

All right, bring it in. Bring it in.

All right, Team Lumberjack on three.

- One, two, three... - Team Lumberjack!

Mm. These Jews are really on to something.

These are gluten free, right?

Okay, for our second golden axe,

- you have to build a... - Build a machine!

A Rube Goldberg machine out of which you must

successfully pour a shot of tequila.

One, two, three, go.

Go. Go.

Wait, what? How?

- Shove it in here. - This here.

- Okay, shove as many... - Oh, but this is the same!

Before we rush in, let's everyone take a minute,

and just regard the materials.

Figure it out!

Don't rush, we'll see it when we see it.

Ooh, wait, wait.

- Got it. - This is too big.

Hold on. No, guys, this one. Look.

- Yeah. - Wait. No.

- Do you see it? - I see it.

I see it, we see it. Uh, so, Roya, yeah,

I think you know this already, but start with the 4x4s.

Those are gonna be the pillars.

Uh, Dominic, I want you to take the PVC piping

and turn it into a bit of a slalom.

Here. How about that? Does that thing fit?

Uh, Jayson, I want you to start on the smaller piece of wood,

make a groove.

- Yes! Yes! - Yeah!

Oh, man.

Done.

No!

Goddammit!

Would you do the honors?

And we are tied

with nine games to go.

Wait. Nine?

Camp Arrowhead!

Ka-kaw.

Oh, come on, people.

I said, Camp Arrowhead!

Ka-kaw!

Hey, it looks like somebody needs a little water.

Ka-kaw!

That's a... That's a fair point,

but I still think that you ought to pace yourself.

Why, 'cause you're afraid I'm gonna...

- kick your ass? - Okay, no.

You sure?

'Cause I think you're afraid.

That I'ma whup your ass and feed...

your carcass to the wolves.

What... What wolves?

Would you... Give it a rest!

Okay?

Give me the fuckin' bottle.

What's up!

Yes!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Beatrice over!

Red Rover, Red Rover, let Jayson come over!

All right, all right.

Oh, goddamn!

Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!

Well, dang, um, can't believe this,

but we are out of challenges,

and I don't think we can declare a winner.

What? Wait, wait, wait...

Well, I mean, look, each team has five axes,

and after the dizzy bat debacle...

I'm sorry, Allison.

What happened to Allison?

So, what are we gonna do for a tie-breaker?

We don't have a tie-breaker.

Well, you better come up with one,

or I will.

Yeah, I'd just like to say that I strongly object to this.

- This is your fault. - How is this our fault?

First one to hit the water loses,

winner takes the Bunyan.

Get her. Get her!

Stop pitty-patting up there.

Come on, you gotta try harder than that.

No, I'm not gonna just hit her.

- I give you permission to hit her. - Thanks, Bea.

Yeah, don't take it easy on her just 'cause you love her.

Pretend you guys are strangers.

Yeah, pretend you fuckin' hate each other.

- Fuck him up! - Seriously?

Babe Team wins!

You really let me down up there, man.

Yeah, I'm over it. Give me a kiss.

- Mwah! - Okay.

All right.

I know it's not a trophy.

Oh, hell, yeah.

But just let me hold... let me hold the Bunyan.

- No, he's mine. - Come on. Come on.

Oh, look.

It's the waterfall.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Wendy Chen got caught making out with a CIT there. Remember?

Uh, she... No, she got kicked out of camp, didn't she?

Yeah. I heard she died.

Really?

I don't know. Maybe.

We all do, eventually.

Well, Wendy was a dumb-dumb.

Everyone knows,

if you want to fool around, you go to the tree house.

Go to the tree house!

Whenever you're sad and missing home...

...go to the tree house, you won't be alone.

So, where do you live in San Francisco?

- Do you know the city? - Nope.

All right, um, well,

I just bought a little house in Rockridge.

Describe it to me.

It's blue.

Um... there's an herb garden out back.

Nothing's grown yet, but... fingers crossed.

I don't know. It's a house.

And it's mine.

And I love it.

That sounds...

amazing.

Like... Like really amazing.

I want that.

Would you like to pay my mortgage, also?

- Okay. - Yeah?

Yeah.

I don't have no money right now...

- Oh. - But I'm... But I'm good for it,

I'm good for it. Wait. Look.

Here. I... O... U.

I hope I can cash this.

I'm starving.

Is there any food in this place?

Baby, we've literally only eaten here.

By the way, I was supposed to split a sundae with Doug.

Where is he?

Water's getting a little cold.

We could go get in the Jacuzzi.

No.

I mean, we could just head back.

I don't want to head back.

- No? - Mm-mm.

Neither do I.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

You want a bite of this, don't you?

- But just, like, a little bit. - A little bit?

- Mm-hm. - Okay, how about this bite? I did it.

- More than that. - Perfectly. More than that?

Okay, here's a little bit more.

- Okay, ready? - Mm-hm.

I know.

I did that just for you.

I did that just for you.

- That's so good. - Right?

- You guys want a bite? - Absolutely not.

- I'm thinkin' I'm good. - No, I'm good.

Hi. Can I get a shot of whiskey, please?

Uh, we have a cocktail menu.

Oh, great. Can I get a shot of whiskey, please?

Sure.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

Lori Anderson.

Hey.

Uh, so some of us were gonna go into town.

Oh, what's in town?

Uh, just a miniature horse farm.

Isn't it dark out?

Yeah.

We'll probably just go to some bars, then.

Yeah, or you... I don't know,

we could just stay here.

Uh, yeah. I can go see if the guys want to...

Or, you know, just you and me.

Okay.

Okay.

So, uh, I...

I should probably get to bed.

Goodnight.

'Night.

Oh...

Oh, no...

Oh, no, this is no fun.

Sad face.

Let's play.

Seriously? Spin the bottle?

- Yeah, come on. - Oh, God.

It's camp tradition.

You gonna go against tradition?

Yeah, whatever.

Okay.

Lame.

All right, you go.

- I also suck at this. - Do it again.

Oh!

Oh, no.

Really?

Okay.

Oh...

- Wait. - I don't think I can...

- What are you doing? - Do this.

Mm-mm. This is not right.

Wait, where are you going?

I just gonna take a little walk.

- Where... - I gotta go.

Wait, Lor... Lor... Come on, Lori.

Hey, what...

Are you bleeding?

I saw you.

On the bridge, I saw you.

What... What did you see?

She had her hand on your arm.

I saw.

Okay, just, um...

- You fuck her? - What?

No.

So nothing happened.

We, um...

We... We fooled around a little bit.

And... I don't know what you want from me.

That...

That is so mean.

It's just so mean.

I'm sorry.

I... I am... I am...

I am so fucking sorry.

I'm so sorry.

What was that?

Nothing.

I said marry me, and... and you threw up.

That didn't seem like nothing.

Can we please just go home, Doug?

I don't feel good.

Fuck off.

Goddammit, do you... do you hate the idea that much?

No, I never said that!

Okay, so Lori Anderson, will you marry me?

Wow. Okay, uh, yeah, fuck this, I'm done.

- With us? - Yeah.

Doug.

Yeah?

Ask me again.

You're engaged!

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, well, you know, we didn't want to

steal your thunder over the weekend.

You know, I knew it.

I... I knew something weird was going on with you guys.

Yeah, she was like, "Hey, something's going on with them."

Uh, well, we wanted to keep it a secret,

but, yeah, we're gettin' married.

What is wrong? What is happening?

These two idiots are engaged.

Really? Oh, my God!

- Ow. - Oh, my God.

- Hey. - Oh, honey.

You have no idea how long I have waited to hear this news.

- Jojo, Lydia... - No. Hey. Look at me.

This weekend is not really about us, right?

So we just want to keep it private for a little bit. Okay?

My lips are sealed.

Okay?

You guys have made me so happy.

Okay.

You make a nice groom.

Oh, well, uh... King of the Ushers, actually.

It's not a real position.

Doug, help me pick a yarmulke.

White. Blue.

White with blue.

Bedazzled.

Well, I mean, they all look pretty nice.

Let me show you again.

- White. - Mm-hm.

Blue. White with blue.

Bedazzled.

- Okay, all right. - Uh...

Other order.

Maybe we can alter my wedding dress.

Oh, it's a traditional silhouette.

Right. Not really your thing.

Please wear Mom's wedding dress.

Oh, no, wait, stop. That's the haunted one.

Did your father at least RSVP?

Yes. He called to say congratulations.

He says he wishes he could be here.

And he said he'd buy the most expensive thing on the registry,

so here's hoping for a jet ski.

Could I at least tell Grandma and Grandpa?

About the jet ski?

Yeah, you think they'd be down for a trip?

- Mm-hm. - Uh, no, Mom,

I told you, not until after the wedding.

Let me just text my book club.

They'll be so excited.

Did you text your book club when I got engaged?

It's just that Doug is... is like part of the family.

It's different.

Where is that lady? I'm supposed to start my "shitsu."

Mom, you mean shia...

- Nope. "Shitsu." - Yep.

Yep.

Hey, Doug.

I'm stupid.

No, no, it was... it was very nice.

Thank you. Thank you.

So, uh, when are you guys thinkin'?

Of... Of gettin' married, when are you guys thinkin'?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, man, we... we hadn't really thought about it yet.

We're thinkin' maybe...

uh... next June?

June sucks, Doug.

Ah, just... just figure it out ASAP.

You know, my ex and I were engaged for three years

before we set a date, and...

probably wasn't a good sign.

But you and Lori, you guys are totally different.

You guys are in it for the long haul.

Yeah.

We broke up on Wednesday, actually.

Oh...

Uh, I'm sorry, but... but...

So when did you get engaged?

Uh, last night.

Oh... Uh... so that first day in the lobby,

and then Paul Bunyan Day, you guys were...

Yeah, we were pretending to still be together.

- Oh! - You know, for Bea.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just...

I'm so sorry you guys, you know, broke up.

Oh, no, but we're fine.

- Now. - Oh, yeah, obviously now.

You know, I mean, I totally get why you guys

would pretend and then not pretend with the...

the, uh, you know, with the engagement thing.

- Yeah. - Awesome.

Yeah. Thanks again for these.

Yeah, yeah.

Very handsome.

Thank you.

Can I...

Perfect.

So, where's the honeymoon, Hawaii? Paris?

Oh, no, no, uh, Niagara Falls.

It's... It's where my folks went on their honeymoon.

Yeah, we really wanted to honor them.

And then you'll move in together?

No, we already live together. Jayson has a place in the Mission.

Yeah, and, uh, we're looking for something bigger,

though, with a backyard and a studio for Bea.

For her scrunchies.

- Yep. - Uh-huh.

Oh, I love mine, dear.

You should have made one of these for me, honey,

I can be a bad bitch.

Next time, Pop-Pop.

I'll hold you to that.

Uh, you know, Lori and I were thinking about getting a house.

We were?

Oh, that's... it's...

You know, I actually know a great real estate agent.

- Oh, my God. - In Portland.

- Yeah. - You guys should look in that neighborhood

that you showed me with all the Craftsman houses.

Oh, I like our apartment.

Oh, I mean, sure, but, I mean, if you want to build up...

- you know, equity, you should... - Yeah, but, you know,

our rent is cheap, and, uh, it's close to my work.

Right, I mean, but you're also not gonna work there forever.

- I might. - So...

Okay.

Cool.

I'm just worried

you're gonna make the same mistake I did.

Oh, so we were mistakes?

No. I married a man I didn't love.

But I love Jayson.

I'm marrying my soul mate.

Why can't you be happy for me?

- Hey. - Lori, please tell your sister I'm just...

We're worried about her.

Oh, Lori, please tell Mom she's being a bitch.

Okay, I tried. Really, I tried.

Great. Try harder.

Seriously. She thinks I am some, like, idiot baby

who can't take care of herself.

We just think that you're a little impulsive.

I mean, you know, you're Bea, you're fun.

You don't think about consequences, you...

you dropped out of college to go surfing.

I get engaged to a man I've known for four weeks.

Yes, exactly. That...

Hey, baby. Your Mom's in there cryin'

and snarfin' down a whole pie.

What's goin... What's goin' on?

Well, Lori doesn't think I should marry you.

I did not say that.

God, you may as well have.

I don't think I'd be taking relationship advice

from your sister.

I'm sorry. What's that supposed to mean?

Jayson, now is not the time.

Wait, what?

Honey, they...

they broke up three days ago.

That true?

That is... Yes, that's... that's true.

I'm sorry, we just...

we thought it'd be too hard to tell you,

and then I thought maybe it was better

we just pretend for the weekend.

Oh, my G... So...

are you getting married or are you breaking up?

No, no, no, we're getting married.

We... We worked everything out.

Doug...

- We're fine. - They're fine.

- They're fine. - I can't believe this.

- Oh, my God. - Honey...

Bea...

Lori...

Why didn't you answer me?

What?

When I asked you to marry me.

Why didn't you answer?

I don't...

I don't know.

Okay.

I think you do, but... okay.

Maybe because I thought we were good.

I thought things were fine the way they were.

Fine.

I'm in love with you.

Oh, my God. I am in love with you too.

I didn't say I was in love with you.

I'm saying that I thought we were good.

I liked us.

I didn't want to fuck that up by getting married.

But we are getting married.

We're engaged to be married.

Yes, of course, we are. I just...

Things are different now.

Why are things suddenly different?

I don't know. They just are.

So you're saying you definitely want to get married to me?

That's what you're saying?

- Yes, I do. - Okay. When?

I'm sorry. Are you really asking me to set a date right now?

Mm-hmm. Like, October.

January, June.

- June. - What kind of cake?

Chocolate.

All right, should we invite everyone we know,

or just our close friends,

Ah, what should our vows be?

- What do you want your dress to look like? - I don't know.

I told you, I don't care about this stuff.

Right, you don't care about it,

because you don't actually want to get married.

No. I don't care about it,

because I actually like our life.

It's not real.

It's a practice life.

We're just playing house.

We have both of our names on the lease,

but that's where it stops for you.

I want to spend my life with you.

My whole entire life.

I wanna... I wanna...

I wanna get a house together.

I wanna have kids together.

I want us to get old

and die together.

Isn't that what you want?

No.

No?

- Oh, man. - Oh, no.

No, that's... That... That is a third of my life.

That's ten years...

wasted with you.

Wait.

I was saying I was happy.

- Dougie! - Not now, man.

- Bea! - She's not here.

What?

Bea! Okay, where is she?

I have no idea.

Seriously.

She didn't come back last night.

I mean, I looked for her for awhile,

but I figured she'd eventually come back to the room

or to yours, but she's gone.

Isn't the ceremony in, like, three or...

Four hours. No shit.

What if, like, a mountain lion got her?

Oh, I don't think there are mountain lions here.

Okay, fine. I don't know, something else then.

It's the woods.

I mean, anything can happen in the woods.

What's going on?

Okay, so I've checked here, here, and here.

We'll check the bocce ball court.

And I could check the pool.

And there's a section of woods over here.

Okay, great. And anyone who finds her, just let me know.

Okay, Doug and Lori,

we'll start at the tennis courts

- and fan out from there. - Okay.

Adelaide, I was hoping you could do us a big favor

and just head to the reception hall and find Tia the wedding coordinator.

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, this is kind of an "all hands on deck" situation.

When Bea was 14 years old,

she asked me if she could go to horseback riding camp.

Mind you, she'd never ridden a horse.

But she would not shut up about it until I caved.

So June came, and we went to Eugene,

and I dropped her off.

Three days in, I get a call. Bea's missing.

I get back to Eugene.

I call the police. Lori, tell them where we found Bea.

In a diner eating a banana split.

"I guess I don't like horses," she said,

and that day, I learned...

if Bea's running, she's done.

And no one can do anything about it.

Not me...

and especially not you.

I'll start making calls.

Excuse me.

This wedding is happening.

Whether you like it or not, I'm marrying your daughter today.

I know I'm not what you pictured.

I'm almost 40, divorced.

I've got a kid who's way more mature than I'll ever be.

But I love Bea.

And I know I can make her happy.

And right now, she's out there waiting for me to find her.

To fight for her.

And you know these scrunchies you all laugh at?

They're awesome.

She wrote a whole business plan.

She's got investors I had nothing to do with.

Did she tell you that Goop wants to sell them?

Yeah.

So here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna need you to go find Tia, the wedding coordinator,

and make sure that everything's set for the ceremony this afternoon

and then stay out of my way,

'cause I'm gonna go get your daughter back.

Let's go to the tennis courts.

We should split up.

I'm gonna go to the reception hall.

Doug, you check the goats.

Lori, you know, that waterfall near the lake?

Lori? What's up?

"If you're feeling sad or missing home"?

I know where she is.

She's not here.

Well, did you look everywhere?

It's 10 square feet. I'm coming down.

Shoot. I really thought I had it.

Is there something else...

she mentioned while we were here?

Some other place maybe?

If we just retrace our steps...

Why would she have traced our steps?

Guys, it's her. It's Bea.

I love you so much, but I can't...

I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm so sorry.

I know where she is.

- Okay, well, where is she? - Please share.

Jesus, he's fast.

Why would she be here?

Oh, thank God.

Lake of the Ozarks, baby.

But how?

How do you know I won't wreck this?

'Cause I won't let that happen.

- My mom's right! - No.

I'm a flake, I get bored.

I disappoint every person in my life.

- Bea... - I can't get married.

Yes, we can.

So what if we wake up one morning

and realize we don't actually like each other that much?

That's never gonna happen.

It already happened to you once.

- I can't. - Wait.

- I can't. - We're different.

- This is different. - Just...

Can you guys just tell everyone it's cancelled?

No.

What do you mean, no?

We're not going to let you do this.

You love each other.

Well, I thought you guys loved each other, too.

We...

We did.

Really hard for a really long time.

I still love you.

I wouldn't trade our ten years for anything.

So why can't you just stay together?

Please. Just... Just...

Just stay together.

Sweetie, we can't.

But you guys can.

See? Look at that. Told you.

They're smiling.

Thank you.

Oh.

Let's do it.

- I came back. - Yes, you did.

- I love you, Mom. - I love you, too.

- Well, you... - Don't.

- Okay. - Sorry for calling you a bitch.

It's okay. He's a good guy.

I told you.

So...

Yeah.

We were good, though, weren't we?

We were really good.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Yay!

Shall we?

What do we tell people?

When we get back home and we see our friends,

what do we say?

We tell them...

we broke up.

Oh, my God. Guys, I have the biggest news ever.

Let's go tell Jayson.

Let's go.

Hey, uh, are those my shorts?

No, they're mine.

Baby, the oven's broken. Can you come fix it?

Why are you recording me?

Oh, come on, just fix the oven.

- Please? Come on. - Okay.

- What's wrong with it? - I don't know.

- Well, it's not on. - It isn't?

No. And there's just one hamburger bun in there.

What... Are we hav...

Did you put this in here?

I... I don't know.

Well, I didn't put it in here.

Uh, I think you did.

Okay. What is it again?

It's a bun in the oven.

Yep.

Oh, my God. Baby, really?

- Are you really pregnant? - Yes.

- Seriously? - Yes!

Oh, my God.

This is the best news ever!

We're having a baby! We're having a baby!

We are having a baby!

We're having a baby!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

♪ We're having a baby! ♪

♪ We're having ♪

♪ A baby ♪

♪ We're having ♪

♪ A baby ♪

♪ We're having a baby ♪

♪ We're having a baby ♪