Original subtitles

? And I love you so ?

When one experiences a mildly-traumatic event...

I think it pertinent to bury oneself in one's work.

Here we have Bacillus anthracis.

Very much like Bordetella pertussis,

it forms a calmodulin-dependent

adenylate cyclase toxin known as?

A presence was making itself felt.

A djinn? A ghoul?

Hmm, an undergrad?

Knock, knock.

How did you?

Listen, I told you.

I'm not gonna play in your group.

We're not in a group. Fucking hell, we're in a band.

Think The Clash meets Dickless,

with a lashing of dead Barbie.

- But a bit shit. - Yet totally unique.

We cordially invite you to be in our band.

Why? You saw what happened.

Puke aside, we think you're good...

Ish.

Plus, bodily fluids

are less frowned upon in punk.

Punk? No, sorry, I can't.

- We know what you want. - What?

"Microbiology PhD student looking for male,

"medium to devout Muslim, enjoys mini golf

and stimulating conversation."

- Oh, you're reaching. - Reaching for the "D."

No, no, I'm looking for a husband to settle...

To settle on to some "D."

- Juvenile. - Yup.

Listen, audition with us for Sound Smash,

and Ayesha will set you up with her brother.

- You know Ahsan? - Sound?what?

Wait, Ahsan is? is your brother?

I'm aware of him, yes.

What do you say?

We struck a deal.

The die was cast.

The terms, simple.

I would audition with Lady Parts

for this Sound Smash competition,

some battle of the bands type thing,

in exchange for a meeting with Ahsan.

Simple as pie.

Hey, it's Ahsan, Ayesha's bro.

I was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner

on Wednesday night, maybe?

Yeah, cool. Bye.

Nice one. Well played.

It's warm with a hint of pathetic.

Winning strategy.

I don't understand why I have to do this.

You wrecked her vehicle, you owe her.

It was barely even a scratch.

She ain't gonna shut up until you've done it,

so for both of our sakes, dine this loser.

She seems interesting.

Not my usual type.

Oh, sorry,

we're fresh out of manipulative narcissists.

You'll like Amina. She's...cool.

? And I love you so ?

? The people ask me how ?

? How I used to live ?

? I tell them I don't know ?

? And yes, I know ?

Great, okay.

Okay, you know what?

Why don't you just play along with one of our songs?

Lyrics and chords all there.

Let's do "Voldemort Under My Headscarf."

Oh, uh, sorry. Sorry.

Did you say "Voldemort Under My Headscarf?"

Yeah, you got a problem with my lyrics?

Your lyrics?

No.

No, not at all. Uh, I get it.

It's?it's just, um, I'm not sure people will get it.

- Hmm? - What do you mean?

I don't know, uh, some people might find it offensive.

Well, fuck people in their eye sockets.

We all contribute to songwriting,

so why don't you give us an idea of lyrics

that work for you?

Yeah, okay. Sure, um, okay.

So, uh, maybe instead of

"Voldemort under my headscarf,"

you could do "I love to wear my headscarf,"

you know, less...

more...yay! I don't know.

Yeah, maybe?

So like, maybe...

? I love to wear my headscarf ?

The lyrics! The lyrics!

- Calm down! - She's dead!

Are you mad?

Despite my rocky start

to band practice, I was feeling fine,

'cause I had a date with Ahsan.

- Oh, wow. - I know.

And he messaged you on the app?

Yes. Yep, on the app.

I couldn't tell Nora about Lady Parts.

She already thought me teaching guitar

wasn't entirely appropriate.

Wow.

I mean, it's only a first date.

Uh, first meeting.

Sorry. Yes, first meeting.

What does he study again?

He's doing a masters in anthropology.

Ooh, and he's a black belt in jiujitsu.

Although from his voice note he sounds like a pacifist,

like he would only fight in self-defence,

besieged on all sides, or to protect my honour.

You should wear pastel, a light blue or green hijab,

elegant and fun, but not too fun.

You should totally pair it

with that nude lip I got you.

Um, I was thinking of wearing the red hijab

and pairing it with the pink lip.

The red is my lucky hijab, so I?

I'm telling you, do not wear the red.

Brings out your shame.

Oh.

I don't know she's, like,

pure potential, you know what I mean?

She's just, like, mad skilful,

but doesn't really know it, a total freak,

but in a really normal person way, you know?

Yeah, yeah, totally. She's like really deep,

but in a shallow way.

And she's got lots of width and breadth going on,

like angles, angles, angles.

- It's all about the angles. - Fuck you.

I'm sorry. It's just...

I'm jealous of this Amina person, man.

She's clearly got you all hot and bothered.

Oh, no.

You're the only person who could do that.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, but Amina, Amina, I love you?

- Oh, shut up! - Saira was convinced

that I was the missing link,

but the others, not so much.

Salaams, everyone. Sorry I'm late.

Okay. Meeting is now in session.

- What's going on? - Why you being all secretive?

We need to talk band strategy.

Saira is our great leader and front-woman,

so we've got to entertain her fanciful ideas,

but we all know this Amina thing isn't gonna fly

if we wanna get into Sound Smash.

And what were you thinking?

Lady Parts online presence.

Have you asked Saira about this?

No, not yet.

But anyway, I'm the band manager, not Saira.

It's up to me to get us some profile and get us some gigs.

So yeah, we're...

we're going online.

Auntie Saira is going to be angry.

There is more to life than husbands, you know?

Ma, please, I'm not in the mood.

You know, I mean, you go chasing

all these serious brothers, but do you ever think

for a second, will they care for your needs?

- What? - You know, in the bedroom,

your feminine requirements, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Okay, this is inappropriate, grossly inappropriate.

It is my parental duty to talk openly

- about the bees and the trees. - Mm, no.

No, it's not, Ma, no one's parents do that.

Well, I won't be blamed then if you run off to Syria

to marry a jihadi because we didn't have "the talk."

If I ever run off to Syria to marry a jihadi,

it'll be because I ran away from you.

No.

Who's marrying a jihadi?

Okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Oh, that's really nice. Thank you.

No worries.

So have you come from far?

No, just, you know, White Chapel Way.

He was even more ravishing in the flesh.

I think I saw you at the fundraiser.

We don't have to talk about that.

Sure.

So, uh, where are you from?

Where am I from?

That's a big question, you know?

Where am I from, from? Where am I from, from?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to?

I know that's really annoying.

- I-I'm just messing. - Right.

Funny.

- Uh, originally from Iraq. - Oh.

A descendant of Babylonian kings, no less.

But I grew up in Shepherd's Bush.

- Huh. - I'm a West London boy.

Who knew three simple words

could cause such netherward stirring?

West London boy.

- You go to Queen Mary's too. - Mm-hmm.

I don't think I've seen you around.

Mmm, no.

Um, I haven't really clocked you either, ever.

Ayesha mentioned you're doing a PhD in microbiology.

Yeah. Yes, I am.

It sounds really dry, doesn't it?

I think it's cool.

What's your area?

Pathogen activity.

I think humanity has greatly underestimated

the clout of the microbe.

"The Clout of the Microbe," what a great film.

What?

It was a bad joke.

Humour.

It's?

So, uh, how's the, um, anthropology going?

Uh, good. Thanks.

I'm currently looking at tribalism

and pack mentality in the modern man.

- This sounds fascinating. - I think it is.

Marry me.

- Should we order? - I do.

I mean, we should, yeah.

He's just so beautiful.

How is it possible? I don't understand.

Okay. Keep it together, soldier.

- Pretty isn't everything. - Mm-hmm.

Pretty doesn't pay the bills. Pretty doesn't feed the kids.

- Yeah. - Now, listen.

If you wanna close the deal,

you need to show him you ain't putty in his hands.

You've got criteria.

I do?

- It's really tasty. - Yeah, super yum.

Uh, so, um, question.

Uh, what sort of thing are you looking for?

Looking for?

Uh, seeking, apropos of potential persons of interest.

- You mean romantically? - Sure.

I don't know.

I guess I'm just looking to meet like-minded individuals

and see how it goes.

Are you open to further developments,

vis-�-vis meeting like-minded individuals?

- I don't understand. - Marriage.

Are you?are you fond of the concept?

Obvs, I'm not just saying that we, you know...

General thoughts welcome.

I mean...

I have not hitherto sought any nuptial arrangements

given my current academic engagements.

Oh, sure.

But I don't find the institution

morally objectionable or anything.

You?

Me, marriage? Yeah, big fan.

Obvs, not like an intense...

Kind of way?like, in a yeah, one day, soon.

Yeah. Yeah.

More chicken?

So how do you think that date's going?

Fuck knows.

She might have proposed to him by now.

She's going in for a husband. It's kind of intense.

I mean, what's wrong with wanting to get married?

For one, marriage was invented by men

as a way of making alliances with other men.

"Here, marry my daughter and I'll give you

a couple of camels and this cheese bread."

Cheese bread?

It's a tool of the patriarchy.

That's just my opinion.

People should do what they like.

What do you think about us?

Us?

Yeah, it's been six months of this,

and I'd like us to be official.

Official, huh? Official how?

Dating.

I mean, official capacity dating.

Okay. Then what?

What then post-official capacity dating?

It's impossible to have a conversation with you.

You gotta be fucking kidding.

Um, I had fun.

My bus stop is just... over yonder.

Yonder, that's funny.

- I bid you adieu. - Oh!

I wasn't sure physical contact

was entirely appropriate,

but brazenly, I went for it.

- Oh, okay. - I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Bye!

The evening's events

played in my mind,

repetitious in nightmarish Technicolor.

Every little stupid thing I said and did

ripping into my retina with violent glee until...

Oh, shit.

How'd it go? What happened?

Spill your guts.

He was really nice and kind.

He thinks I'm cool.

He hoped I got home okay.

And he wants to hang out again!

This all felt really, really good.

Sad and lonely spinster no more.

Desirable male hoped I got home okay.

You should totally invite Ahsan to my engagement party.

Really? It's still pretty early.

Babe, it's fine, you met him on the marriage app.

He knows the deal.

I'll speak to Imran,

but I'm sure he'll be cool with it.

Okay!

How'd it go?

Can I get some privacy please?

- No. - How'd it go?

- She's nice. - So do you fancy her?

She's not really my type. She's intense.

You friend-zoned her, yeah?

She's inviting me to an engagement party.

- Guess not, then. - You've gotta go.

He can't go. That'd be leading her on.

You just don't want her in the band.

No, I just think it's fucking wrong

to deceive her like that.

Even massive dweebs have rights, man.

Maybe lead her on just a little,

until we audition for Sound Smash.

Hold on, no. That's cold.

Saira, no wonder Abdullah's

on the verge of a mental breakdown.

You're fucking heartless.

Friend-zone her.

I'm not heartless, am I?

Guys, do you mind?

- Ow. - There.

We're official.

I've just officiated us into...officialdom.

Okay.

All right. I'm gonna fuck off now.

Bye, girlfriend. Love you!

What's going on?

We don't start for another hour.

We just wanted to have a little parlay.

Why don't you sit down?

Go on then, parlay.

Lady Parts is officially online.

I've put band profiles up on Facebook, Twitter?

- You did what? - This is not a dictatorship.

Come on, what's the harm in trying social media?

We tried your Amina thing.

How many times do we have to go through this?

The Internet is where creativity and truth go to die.

Ugh.

If you put our music online,

it'll be ripped off by "insert corporation here"

to sell Pop-Tarts and iPads,

to fentanyl-sniffing infants with the sole purpose

of lining the pockets of Silicon Valley technocrats.

- Fuck that! - Yeah, fuck that!

- Bro, seriously. - No, I'm sorry.

Listen, we'll audition. We'll get in.

And we'll find our audience by playing.

We'll take our music to the people the purest way.

Well, you don't get to the audition

if you can't pull a crowd.

We need a following.

No. Take us off now.

We've already got 30 followers.

Look at them. They're us.

Younger us's when we didn't even know

Peeps suckers even existed.

This is temporary.

As the days went by,

news of my successful match with the Ahsan spread rapidly.

Every sister and their sheikh knew about it.

I was no longer a washed-up loser.

I was a woman in her power.

And a woman in her power walks

with a certain bossy swagger.

Hey, I'm sorry, should have been clear.

I really like you, but just, you know, as a friend.

Probably not a great idea to come

to your friend's engagement party.

It was great to meet you.

It's Ahsan, by the way.

Yo. Oh, shit.

- Oof. - Okay.

Cool.

Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go.

"Voldemort Under My Headscarf."

I-I had some ideas.

- Wanna talk about it? - Nah.

It? What it?

We're sorry it didn't work out.

Mmm, it, it, it? uh, there isn't even an it.

We met once.

I don't know him. What it, right?

The only it that exists is the it in my head.

The made-up stupid, fantasy it

that only exists in my silly little girl head, right?

How does it become so big so fast?

What kind of nobody lets that happen?

This girl!

You're looking at her.

- You're not a nobody. - Oh, come on, you knew, right?

You knew she's a thirsty nobody that will jump

if you dangle any passable male in front of her.

You knew that I couldn't resist Ahsan when you offered him up.

That is my problem.

I-I lose my mind over every Bashir with a good beard

that smiles at me, you know?

Sorry.

Bashir with a good beard.

- That's brilliant. - What?

? Why won't you love me? ?

? Why won't you text me back? ?

? Leave me on read ?

? Ghost me like I'm dead ?

? Are my clothes too tight? ?

? Do I laugh too much? ?

? You say I'm not polite, I say fuck you very much ?

? Bashir with a good beard ?

? You're so pretty, you're so pretty ?

? You're so pretty ?

? Bashir with a good beard ?

? You say you think I'm weird ?

? Bashir with a good beard ?

? Won't you love me? ?

? Won't you love me? Won't you love me? ?

? Bashir with a good beard ?

? You're gonna disappear ?

? We'll have two sons ?

? Bilal and Hala ? ? Nasir and Hussein ?

? We'll watch "Bake Off" and eat KFC ?

Halal!

? Are my clothes too tight? ?

Yeah!

? Do I laugh too much? ? - Yeah!

? You say I'm not polite, I say ?

? Fuck you very much ?

? Bashir with a good beard ?

? You're so pretty, you're so pretty ?

Something momentous happened that day.

I, with Lady Parts, had penned a punk anthem

shorn from the fabric of my life.

I had never written a song before.

? You're gonna disappear ?

- That was sick. - That was so sick!

- What did I tell you? - Oh, my gosh.

- What did I tell you? - What did she tell you?

Amina, that was sick, man.

It was all right.

Even though I had been unceremoniously

friend-zoned by Ahsan,

I felt different after playing with Lady Parts.

Lighter?I don't know, braver.

Okay, so I spoke to Imran, and he's totally cool with you

bringing Ahsan to the engagement party.

You are welcome. Yay.

Yay!

- Yay! - That is so great.

Okay, so, um, bravery wasn't quite there,

but come on, what can I say?

Crusty spinster back in business,

massive loser back on the shelf.

You and Ahsan are gonna have the cutest babies.

We literally cannot wait to meet him.

Literally gagging to meet him.

I wish I could tell them the truth.

Yeah, I'm literally gagging for you to meet him too.

But I couldn't.

Okay, so Saturday, you'll both be there?

Deffo, both of us.

Me and him. Me and my man.

Mm?

I mean, potential future spouse.

Inshallah.

So what's the colour palette for the wedding?

What is his style?

His eye colour, brown or green?

And how tall is he?

Is he taller than that?