Original subtitles

I like church. It's cozy.

Of course you do.

Inside are candles, red wine and cushions. It's basically our flat.

Erica looks well.

That woman's Beyoncé to me, Jason.

Comes out of a marriage breakup stronger

and without once dragging me to a yoga retreat.

Do you know how hard that is?

Come on. Let's go.

-Why're you wearing canvas shoes? -Oh, yeah.

Well, I tried to not overthink it, all right?

-Then I've ended up underthinking it. -It's not very godparenty, is it?

It's difficult to think about things the exact right amount.

Anyway, don't worry. No one will notice.

See you in a bit.

-You all right? -Yeah, yeah, fine.

-Why is Jason wearing those shoes? -I do not know.

-Okay, should we-- -Should we just pop inside?

-Yes. -Yeah.

No, no, it's fine, it's fine. I don't care who he dates.

-She's very pretty. -No.

It's too early to tell.

Everyone's hot when they're 27.

We won't know for sure until she's 35.

Yeah, what do they talk about? What has she done?

Women under 30 don't do anything except juice.

-And tell people they're bisexual. -Very true.

We're just gonna keep it simple.

People who obsess over the wedding day are just trying to cover up the cracks.

Like, if the relationship's a six, the day has to be a ten, you know.

-Exactly, don't overthink it. Yeah. -Yeah.

-How are you, mate? You all right? -Writing more long form now.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Doctor told me to keep a food diary last month,

and I just, I really leant into it, you know. Found my voice.

And an allergy to soy.

Yeah, so that's me, trying to crack the Great American Novel for my sins.

But you're English, mate.

I think it gives me a unique perspective.

-Glad you made it. -Yeah.

Lovely to see you.

-When's he moving out? -Tonight.

I lasted six weeks. Erica, I have no idea how you did 12 years.

Humans are resilient. Mandela did 27.

Yeah, not with Freddy he didn't.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

And also with you.

-Father, we ask you to bless this water-- -Hey.

Why don't we bring your girlfriend back? Because he could do her while we're here.

-Can we not? -Not what?

Be that cliché.

Says the midlife crisis wearing a friendship bracelet.

-…Christ, our Lord, amen. -Amen.

-Amen. -Amen.

Freddy and Erica, do you receive this child as a gift from God?

-Yes. -Yes.

Do you wish to give thanks to God and seek his blessing?

-Yes. -Yes.

Do you acknowledge this day that God's love is already at work?

Mate, we're not really religious,

so if you wanna just cycle forward to the water bit, that'd be great.

What name have you chosen for this child?

-Samuel. -Buster.

-What? -Buster.

-His name is Samuel. -Nope, it's not. I changed my mind.

You can't change your mind. He's named after my grandfather.

I never liked your grandfather, so…

Together, the Christian community welcomes…

-Samuel Turner. -Buster Turner.

Oh, my God.

Okay, guys, I'm not sure this is the ideal place for this.

I'm not naming him Sam.

-I'm not naming him Buster. -Why not?

Because he's not a talking bus in a children's cartoon.

Yeah, this really does sound more like a pre-font sort of chat.

What about a little compromise? What about Stan?

-'Cause that's got letters from each. -No.

Marlon.

Stan and Marlon? That's the first two on your list, Jason?

I don't know. I'm panicking.

-Luke? -It's just a sound really, isn't it?

John? Just-- Paul? George? I'm just doing Beatles now.

-Parker. -No.

-Why not? -Because he's not a wealthy murderer.

Joh-- I don't-- George.

I'm back on Beatles again, aren't I? Christ. Sorry.

-What's your name? -My name?

-Yeah, your name. Yeah. -Thomas.

-Thomas. -I like that actually.

-Yeah? -Little Tommy.

Thomas Turner.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Great.

Thomas Turner, I baptize you in the name of the Father,

and of the Son…

and of the Holy Spirit.

-Amen. -Amen.

-Amen. -Namaste.

You can't rename a child out of spite.

Okay, you cheat on your wife, she might rename a kid or two.

It is the risk that you take.

Actually, Nikki, from an evolutionary perspective, monogamy is really--

Okay, stop. I'm not absolving you of your sins, okay?

I'm not the women's pope.

Well, I actually have a…

a very interesting article on bonobos--

Freddy, we've got Penny here in five,

and I need this not to be happening, okay?

We're never going to find a kid.

-What? -Ellie's gone.

-You're kidding. -She only come on the site yesterday.

-What sort of a-- -They go so quickly!

It's like trying to get Glastonbury tickets.

-This is you. -What?

You took too long again.

Yeah, but it's difficult choosing a child from a photograph, isn't it?

You wanna get in there, kick the tires.

-Jase. -This meeting. Is it gonna be quick?

What, the meeting that decides all of our hopes and dreams

and defines the rest of our lives?

Yeah, it's just, I need my stuff from Erica's,

and I cannot see her right now.

Sorry, you want us to get it?

I just know she's not watering my staghorn fern.

-Seriously, Freddy-- -Okay. All right.

Fine, we'll do it. Can you give us a minute, please?

-Thank you. -Jase.

His middle name is Ivan.

Thomas Ivan Turner.

His initials are "TIT."

Tit, Nikki, tit.

So she did name him after you then, didn't she?

I wish you'd back me up a bit.

I don't like it when you don't dislike things I dislike.

You know how betrayed I felt when you started liking olives.

Yeah. And I stopped eating them, didn't I?

For you, you little weirdo.

Right. Okay.

Hello? Okay, all right, Penny. Come up now. Yeah.

-Right. -Do you think she's gonna tell us off

for not finding a child?

No. It takes a long time to find the right one, doesn't it.

Look at me. I had hundreds of girlfriends before I met you, and…

Okay.

That sounded better in your head, didn't it?

-Yeah. -Yeah, thought so.

Come on.

I just, I don't want this to slip by.

We need something in our lives that's bigger than us,

something that will outlive us, carry on after we've gone.

We will, all right?

We have loads of plastic bags in our kitchen drawer.

-All right? -Yeah.

Ready? Okay.

-Hi. -Hello.

Is there CCTV on this street?

No. No, I don't think there is, no.

Oh, good, good. That's--

No, that's good. Good, it'll be fine.

-Okay. -Okay.

Anyway, I only have half an hour,

because my sister and her husband are having a naming party for her new puppy.

Six months of marriage therapy, and that's the best idea they've had.

I said cut to the chase, call it "last throw of the dice"

'cause that's what it is.

Tea.

Anyway, it's gonna be an absolute slog

because she has gone hard vegan.

-Sugar? -Oh, no, thank you.

I'm sorry, but no amount of tofu stir-fries

is going to un-hit that swan with your car last summer,

so maybe just deal with the guilt head-on, can we,

and stop burying it under a lot of spinach triangles.

Long story. He was fine.

It was mainly his fault. He was warned. Right.

Gather, please.

-Okay. -For I have news.

I was never here.

This is an illusion. This is not happening. Okay?

-Okay. -Yeah, okay.

Okay, so, there is a boy.

His name is James.

He is a nice boy.

Look.

I think he's your boy.

By means I do not wish to divulge,

I have advanced knowledge he will be on the system in 24 hours.

I want us to be ready to go for him.

James?

James. James Newman-Ross.

James Newman-Ross.

"JNR." That's good. That's good.

Yeah.

Hi, hi. Sorry, sorry.

Just to say that she'll be doing the kids' tea from six,

so absolutely no pressure, but anytime in the next 45 minutes would be ideal.

Okay?

-Look at his little face. -I know. Sweet.

So exciting.

How do we know which of this stuff's Freddy's?

If you can imagine a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel owning it,

then it's his.

-Are you okay? -Yeah. Fine.

Yeah?

-'Cause you really don't need to be. -I'm fine.

I have a plan for the new me.

It's a combination of taking up running, meditation and screwing other people.

-Are you dating? -Yeah. Maybe.

I don't know. It's a lot of vagina admin, isn't it? But I could.

That's it. The car's full.

He can come and get his bloody staghorn fern later.

-Does that need watering? -It does, yeah.

I can't believe we're doing this. Have you got it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Why're you wearing all that?

Ran out of bags.

Thanks, Nikki.

Thought I'd lost that.

Oh, my God. No woman would ever have two blowtorches,

three different sets of things for cracking lobsters,

but no colander.

-What do you think of the flat? -I think it's like one big panic room.

-Horrible, innit? -Yeah.

So, what do you think?

-Gorgeous, mate. -So lovely.

-Beautiful, yeah, very-- -Yeah.

'Cause sometimes things can be too colorful, can't they?

It's distracting.

What are you gonna do when the kids come over, mate?

'Cause it is quite-- Sort of--

I've ordered some beanbags off the Internet

and… maybe some cushions.

We can sort you out with cushions, can't we?

We've got 30 or 40 spare ones in our flat you can have, mate.

Jase.

Lobster crackers.

Four sets.

He likes football, Nerf guns and Minecraft.

And his favorite food is a chicken fajita wrap.

That makes me feel old.

My favorite food when I was a kid was fish fingers and beans.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

-Nothing. -Okay.

Why you being weird then?

I'm not. I'm acting completely normally.

Yeah, but that's what's weird.

Because normally with this sort of stuff, you'd be all hyper.

-I'm fine. -What's going on?

I don't wanna say,

because if I tell you, then that makes me a terrible person,

and not being a terrible person is the thing that I like most about myself,

so…

Okay, I sort of assumed that we'd be getting a girl.

-Oh. Okay. -Yeah.

I sort of thought that we decided that.

No, I didn't realize we'd decided that.

No, I thought that you said that you wanted a girl

because you wanted to learn how to do the--

What's it? The French plait thing.

Because the guy on the bus looked cool when he did it.

The guy on the bus did look cool, but--

How have we not discussed this?

Are you set on a girl, yeah?

Well, are you set on a boy?

I'm, no-- Look, am I?

If I had to choose, then, maybe selfishly, yeah.

Because, you know, because there's that,

there's that special bond between father and sons.

Oh, really? How many conversations do you have with your dad

that aren't about how to get the TV back to HDMI1?

Actually, loads recently, because he's just hurt his shoulder.

So now I can ask him about that too.

Jase, I just, I don't understand them.

-Who? Who? -Their choices.

Men!

All men? Yeah?

I don't know, you--

You all react weirdly to things, and you have emotions in all the wrong places.

And you watch films that are basically an hour and a half of fast driving.

You always like your hair loads shorter than you should.

What are you talking about?

What am I supposed to do with a boy, Jase?

Seriously. What? Do I fill him full of confidence,

or do I take some of it away because society already fills him with confidence,

so if I do it too, I'm just-- I'm gonna turn him into--

-Into what? -Freddy!

That is seriously the worst-case scenario?

Do you know, Jase, it's--

It really scares me that you don't hate him

and what he's done as much as I do.

He's my mate though, Nikki. What am I gonna do?

-And anyway, women can be dicks. -Yeah, okay.

-Myra Hindley! -Yeah.

That rude woman at the post office.

Queen Mary I.

Okay, three women in, and you're back to the 16th century.

I could name you five men off tonight's news.

But none of them are four-year-old boys, are they?

Yeah, no, Jase, but they were once and then society,

society just came in and messed them all up.

How can I compete with society, Jase? It's bloody everywhere.

I mean, we're the only people that get to pick a gender.

Why would we not pick the best one?

Have this week's rankings come out already?

Sorry, I must've missed that. This is a ridiculous conversation!

-Will you get the plates? -I'm doing it.

Margaret Thatcher.

Can I ask your advice?

-Are you serious? -Yeah.

Oh, my God, that is wild. No one has ever said that to me before.

It's always like, "Jen, no one asked your opinion.

This is my wedding. Go back to your seat."

Okay…

But I will be honest with you, 'kay? I won't sugarcoat it.

You wouldn't want me to sugarcoat it, would ya?

Yes, I would. When have I ever said that?

-Always sugarcoat it. -Okay, fine. Go.

Well, it's about boys.

Okay, they look like their worst bio photo is a good rule of thumb,

and always reply to a below-the-waist nude within… ten minutes.

Hello. What can I get you?

Hi. Two falafel wraps, one with extra pickle. Thank you.

Yeah, no, raising them, not dating them.

Do you think I could raise a good one?

-Yeah. Yeah, for sure. -Yeah?

-100%. -Okay.

Just don't let them be fussy eaters.

My friend, Clayton, only ate toast until he was 12,

and now he's really into S and M.

It's not a coincidence.

Okay, yeah. No, that's a handy tip.

And anyway, you know, bad parents make interesting people.

Joel's parents divorced when he was nine,

and he's the most interesting person I know.

I mean, we can talk for hours, like, even when we're not high.

He does get quite angry at stuff.

Which is wild, 'cause I'm the lowest maintenance person in the world.

I'm so low-maintenance, I might still be going out with some people.

Jen, does he sound like he's the right person for you?

Yeah, no. We're on a break at the moment.

We couldn't agree what race Ariana Grande was, and it all just sort of spiraled.

-There you go, ladies. Enjoy. -Thank you.

Thank you.

Basically, just fill them with love, and it'll be fine.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

But not too much.

'Cause then they get too close and resent all other women

for not being as good.

It actually happens a lot with serial killers.

Did you see that one in South Korea? He was really handsome,

which you don't really expect in a murderer, do you?

No.

Has this helped?

Yeah. Massively.

Cool.

Are we gonna talk about this or just keep pretending you wanna buy sunglasses?

I do maybe wanna buy some sunglasses.

There you go.

I like to have a choice.

Look, who says that our boy is gonna be boyish anyway?

He might not be.

Gender norms are ingrained, Jase.

Erica bought Lauren a monster truck.

She put it in a dress and pushes it around in a buggy.

I'm not sure how scientific some of your arguments are.

So what if a monster truck wants to wear a dress?

Good luck to him. Her. They.

I wanna be a guide to our child.

I wanna be wise, and offer help and smooth their path.

How can I do that if I don't know what it's like to be a boy?

You'd expect me to do that for a girl.

Yeah, because girls tell you what they're feeling.

-They know how to ask for help. -Do you? Bollocks.

You just sit on the sofa hugging a cushion,

sighing louder and louder until someone asks you what's wrong.

Boys are uncomplicated, okay?

They're just, you know, bosh, straight lines.

It's like maintaining a bit of machinery.

Bit of a wipe down with a damp cloth now and then, they're golden.

-Oh, wow, another worrying opinion. -Hello, mate.

-Hello. -How are you?

Haven't seen you in ages. What you been up to?

-No staghorn fern? -Sorry, come again?

-You didn't bring my staghorn fern. -No, we couldn't fit it in.

Yeah, well, could you pop back and get it?

-Are you actually being serious? -Yeah, I've had it since uni.

We spent yesterday afternoon moving all of your stuff.

Not all my stuff, 'cause I am light one staghorn fern.

Wow.

Go and get it yourself then. We're not your interns, Freddy.

I can't. Me and Erica aren't talking.

We've got lots of stuff on ourselves, okay?

And to be honest, mate, you're acting like a bit of a selfish dick.

You think I'm selfish?

I once saw you unplug a café's Christmas lights

-so you could charge your phone. -Oh, come on! For a quick bump.

There were four people--

Freddy, you're being a dick. Okay?

I thought you were a dick when I first met you, but I thought,

"No, it's all right. Everyone's a dick in their 20s."

But then when you were still a dick in your 30s,

I thought, "He's under a lot of pressure. He's got a new baby."

And let's face it, you know, Erica's not warm as toast, is she?

But you are still being a dick,

and there comes a point where you're not acting like a dick anymore,

you're just a dick.

I'm not the sort of dick who walks away from someone

because he's being a dick, but you do need to be careful, Freddy,

because there are not that many of us left

and you've already thrown one of us away.

Okay?

-Nikki, can you call Erica, please? -Yeah.

You, follow me.

-Are you two all right? -Yeah, why?

-You don't need to talk? -About what?

You just had an argument.

When?

-What? What? -Look at this.

That looks very sore.

I know, right?

-Hello. -Hello, hello.

One staghorn fern.

Thanking you.

-Okay, then. -Hang on. Wait, please.

-What? -Please.

The kids think they can get us back together.

No, not back together, just able to talk, all right?

I'm having enough trouble getting my own family

without keeping your one functioning too.

Okay, so this is neutral ground. It's halfway between where you both live.

Well, no, technically the canal would be exactly halfway between.

I'm assuming no one wants to go in there, all right?

So in that case, let's do this on dry land.

-Do what exactly? -Just sort it out!

Please! Sort it out for Lauren and…

-Thomas. -Thomas!

Okay, fine.

We need to talk about childcare. You have got to take more responsibility.

-I've been babysitting. -You have babysat twice,

and anyway, it's not even called that when they're yours.

-Have you been watering this? -My God.

I've had this since uni. I don't want it neglected.

You've had her since uni too and you've neglected her, so…

That's a fair point, mate, yeah.

It's weird, the love affair you've got with that plant.

It's not weird. It's special.

It's been there through everything.

All right. Fine.

-Freddy! What are you playing at? -What are you doing?

-What are you doing? -Freddy!

-No, you are right. It is just a plant. -You can't just chuck it away!

-Why? -Because it's part of our family.

But you hate it!

I can hate something and I can still be sad when I lose it!

-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!

What are you doing, Erica? Shit!

-Freddy! -No!

Okay, come back! Just come back!

I can't. She needs me!

-Don't die, Erica. I'm coming. -Freddy, I've got it.

-What are you doing? -Backstroke is my best stroke!

I can't see you.

Help him!

I'm gonna stay here and watch their stuff.

Mate, I'm gonna stay up here and watch your stuff.

-Okay! Thank you! -Jason!

What? That's a very expensive jacket. Very expensive jacket.

Where are you? Where are you? I'm coming. I'm coming. I've got you.

Oh, my God! I swallowed a lot of water.

Come on.

Oh, my God, there's a boat! Guys!

-There's a boat! -Oh, my God!

-There's a boat, guys! -Oh, my God!

Okay, all right! Okay, okay, okay! Stand up! Stand up, both of you!

Just stand up!

-How do? -Hiya!

-Hello, mate. -You all right? Hi!

Okay. Yeah, that would be really helpful.

Look at him. He's like a new man.

-Yeah, thanks to you. -I dunno.

I just sort of always assumed that I'd be good in a crisis.

When I was young, I used to wanna be a fireman.

Yeah?

-I think you'd make a good fireman. -Do you think so?

Waiting outside, watching all their stuff while they're inside fighting fires.

Yeah. Saturday would be great.

Maybe a boy would be good.

Yeah?

I thought the world turned us all into monsters.

Yeah, it has.

So maybe the world needs one raised by us.

Yeah?

Yeah.

-James Newman-Ross. That is good. -It is.

Come on.

"Excuse me, Doctor. My son, James, has got blocked sinuses."

"Hi, I'm James's mum.

I think we might have met at the school fair." Yeah, I like that.

"James is bloody shoplifting again. I just can't get through to him."

Okay, well, don't ruin it.

Still sounds good though.

-Cheers. Bye. -Thanks.

Go, go, go.