Original subtitles

.

(clock chimes in distance)

Good morning. Morning.

I'd, um, like to introduce myself.

Um, I'm your neighbor from upstairs.

Laurence. How do you do?

How do you do?

It's 5:30 in the morning.

Ah.

And I have also lived here for three years now.

Well... welcome.

Thank you.

Was there anything else?

Cup of tea might be nice.

Cup of tea?

(Laurence) How... How are we gonna do this?

Are you gonna ask me questions, or do I just talk?

Whichever you prefer.

That's the couch, right? The sofa, yes.

Do I sit or do I lie? What do most people do?

Most people sit.

Right.

I wanna talk about love, friendship and deceit.

I-I wanna talk about the fact that, up until three days ago,

there were three people. Friends. Best friends.

Since our first day at school.

Frank, Daniel and me.

We just looked out for each other,

or, at least, I looked out for them.

That's the way it's always been.

Anyway, three people whose lives were OK.

Not perfect, but OK.

But that was three days ago.

Daniel was in the States, finalizing his own record deal

and was on his way home.

Hey. What can I say? You rock. I know.

I'm very excited. Chuck, we'll speak. Thanks a lot, Dan.

Bye.

He's this hotshot executive in the music business.

You know the type - reinvented the '70s single-handed,

only flies first class,

hits on every good-looking woman in sight.

Which always leads to problems with Frank.

Frank - what can I tell you about Frank?

He's a penniless, out-of-work actor consumed with envy for Daniel,

and I'm the one stuck in the middle.

There'd been some competition over a French actress,

and Frank wouldn't stop talking about it on the way to dinner that night.

Nicky the agent calls me up, right?

She's got this French actress coming over from Paris,

so she's throwing this big dinner party in her honor.

She needs men. So she wants me to bring Daniel,

'cause she's read some article in some bloody magazine about how bloody eligible he is.

All right, so we get to this restaurant,

and this French actress is, like, this bombshell. Right?

So Nicky takes me - me - and places me

next to Bombshell Woman, place of honor.

And the conversation through the evening is really flowing, like a river. You know.

And it turns out that she's got this break in her schedule

coming up the following weekend, and she wants me to give her a call.

So, next day, I give her a call. No reply.

The day after that, give her a call - no reply.

The next day, Nicky phones me up to tell me

that Bombshell Woman has gone to Venice with bloody Daniel.

Now, answer me a question. Is that the behavior of a friend?

Well-- 'Cause I tell you,

the only reason he was interested is 'cause I was interested.

Frank, don't be so paranoid. What will you have?

So I try and convince myself of the stuff you always go on about,

how we're the closest friends we'll ever have.

You wanna know the truth? I hate him.

I hate him, he hates me.

There's a pleasing kind of symmetry to it.

We both hate each other with the kind of commitment

you only get from childhood friends.

Next time I see him, I'm gonna break his nose.

Break his nose and then his bloody jaw.

Jesus Christ. You know the truth...

He went on and on in the way that only Frank can.

The acting thing was getting him down.

He hadn't worked in years. And he was in a bad way.

I needed to talk to Daniel, but Daniel was in Minneapolis

and about to cause us even more trouble.

It all began with something as simple as a truck.

(recorded voice) The white zone is for immediate loading

and unloading of passengers only.

No parking.

Sorry, that's mine. I beg your pardon?

That's my cart. No, no, because I saw it all the way back there--

No, no, I just put a dollar fifty in the machine.

Really? Yes.

Well, then it's yours. Thank you.

Oh... Hey, let me help you with that, please.

Thank you.

I always heard you British guys were gentlemen.

You are British, aren't you? English, actually, yeah.

"English, actually." That's where I'm going - London.

Uh-huh? Yep.

Thanks. I like the bags. You got the whole set, uh?

Sharp.

Do you see that woman over there, with the yellow top on?

I want you to upgrade her ticket

and put her in the seat next to me.

I'm sorry. I can't do that. Why not?

She's on a different flight. A different...

But she said she was going to London. She is.

But two hours later, and rather crucially, in this case, I think,

with a different airline. Oh, come on.

You people, you have deals with each other. You can fix something.

In this case, you need to buy a fresh ticket.

That's $5,000. One way.

Now, are you sure you don't wanna think about this?

You know, airports do funny things to people. I've made up my mind.

In that case, you wanna bring the lady over, sir? I need to see her passport.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

This has to be a coincidence, right? She mustn't know I did this.

So, what do you want me to do, sir?

Well, make up some excuse.

About the flight being full or there's a special offer,

or maybe this airline just picked her.

Just picked her?

(flight attendant) Here's your seat, madam.

Champagne?

Here come the freebies. (chuckles)

It's just that word - "complimentary," you know? It really gets me going.

It's like, if drinks are on the house, my first thought isn't,

"Oh, how fabulous, how wonderful."

No, it's, "How many?" Not that I'm an alcoholic.

Now, my ex-husband Jerry-- Would you excuse me one moment?

(Laurence) Something had gone wrong.

Daniel needed to make a decision.

At the time, it was about first class or economy.

Not something you think would change the rest of our lives.

But a lot can happen in three days.

And in three days... it's all fallen apart.

Hi!

Hi!

This is weird, huh? It's...

I'm Martha, by the way. Daniel.

Daniel. Hello.

Daniel with the matching bags. That's me.

Oh! Do you wanna hear something incredible?

Yeah, sure.

I'm standing in line, you know, waiting to check in,

when this man in uniform, he walks up to me and he's like,

"Congratulations, madam. You are the 100,000th passenger

to fly on this airline, this route, this year."

Really? Yes.

"And to mark the occasion, a completely different airline

would like to fly you first class to London."

Wow.

Do you have any idea how much those seats cost?

Remind me. $5,000.

Oh! Ooh!

I mean, what kind of a jackass would waste money like that?

You know?

(boy chuckles)

Ahh, I told him to give me the cash, you know, but he wouldn't.

So I sold the ticket to a woman who couldn't wait

to give me $2,000 for it.

$2,000!

Plus, you know, my seat's fine. I feel good.

I feel great and... How do you feel?

Great.

(woman) Oh, those look fabulous. Are they kosher prawns?

Ah. Just can't keep away from each other.

Yeah.

Uh, the captain just said we've got a tailwind,

which means we'll be in London about half an hour earlier...

...which is great. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Someone meeting you there? Uh-uh.

Do you know anyone in London? No.

Is this your first time out of the States? Maybe.

So why London?

Um, Paris was $300. Oh?

LA was $188. Mexico City was $350.

Seattle was $130. London was $99.

You're coming to London because it was $99? Yeah.

It seemed like a good place to start,

Start what?

The rest of my life.

You mean you're never going back?

Nothing to go back for.

Except working like a mule, an apartment I can't afford

and a man who used me to amuse his friends.

Oh, wow.

You think I'm crazy? No, no, no, no.

Of course I don't.

Well, actually, yes. Yes, I do.

How much money did you bring? Do you mind me asking?

$35. $35.

They'd have put you on the first plane back.

Yeah, right. Even with a nice British gentleman

like yourself around, Daniel? Hmm?

The ticket, Daniel. What ticket?

(British accent) What ticket?

(normal voice) You didn't expect me to believe that story, did you?

Ah, the 100-- Please. I'm flattered.

Really.

No one's ever done anything like that for me before.

Thank you.

Plus, now I have $2035.

Our conversation earlier - I don't think you're crazy at all.

I work 70 hours a week, and I own a fortune.

And you know how big my flat is?

3000 square feet. And the day after I moved in,

I paid a half a dozen people I'd never met before to decorate it.

And one of the rooms they called a library.

And they filled it full of books, thousands of books

on every subject.

And they're all secondhand. You know why?

It was cheaper? No.

So it looks like they'd been read.

Ah.

See, I have the home of a widely read,

widely traveled,

deeply interesting man with taste.

And that's not you. No.

Not even the interesting bit?

You know what you should do?

You should just pack up and clear out.

Bring things back from your travels.

You know, putting the books up one by one, after you've read them.

Just pack up and go, huh?

Mm-hmm.

To hell with the consequences, you know.

Yeah, one day I might just do that.

Look, um, I shouldn't be doing this, OK?

But there's this hotel that my company has an arrangement with.

And as a welcome to London and a token of good will,

I'd like you to stay there on your first night. No.

You know I can't accept it. What? No strings.

No strings. Please.

And you have to join me for lunch tomorrow.

That's the catch. That's the catch. You think that's a catch?

Many people would be delighted by that.

So that's the address of the hotel, OK? And here's my card.

Daniel with the matching bags. Cute.

Does it say that on the card? Yeah. No.

So, you'll ring me tomorrow, yeah? Oh, yeah. I won't forget.

You won't forget? Uh-huh. First thing.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Passport, please, sir.

Oh...

Thank you.

Hello, it's Daniel, old friend, Yeah. Has she arrived?

Oh, excellent.

Look, I want you to, um, get a bouquet

and send it up to her room. Would you do that?

No, no. No preferences.

No, I'm sure it'll be beautiful.

Thank you. Bye.

(Daniel) Did you think I'm blind?

It's right there on page two of the contract.

So tell him to sign it and get it over here by lunchtime.

Right. OK? Bye.

Martha Dowling.

She's not a client, is she? Uh...

No, not exactly, no.

This hotel bill mysteriously found its way into company expenses.

I was about to authorize it, and then realized you'd obviously made a mistake

and were intending to settle it yourself.

Yeah, yeah. No, I was, I was.

Of course I was.

Champagne for two at midnight.

For two?

It was unprecedented -

Daniel being given the runaround by a woman.

You can imagine what followed. Phone calls, phone calls, more phone calls.

Suddenly, Daniel needed us after all.

I love my mother.

I love her.

I love my mother. Frank, come on! Please.

I can't believe I've got this audition in two hours.

Frank, he sounded desperate. What the hell is that?

Please. Come on.

Christ. I'm liable to break his nose.

First his nose, and then his flipping jaw.

Get this - he even offered to pay for the meal.

Fuck.

This has never happened to me before. I concentrate on work.

I can't eat. Do I look pale?

I can't believe you're asking me about this.

Frank, she was giving me the signals, OK? A man can tell.

Yeah, right. Like champagne at midnight with somebody else.

You're a musk-magnet, Daniel. If you'd met her, you'd understand.

I've been trying to understand since we got here.

So you meet some girl in an airport,

you get a big flush of blood to your head, it costs you a fortune,

and because she treats you like a jerk, you immediately fall in love with her.

If humiliation is what you desire,

I'll arrange it gladly, anytime. It'll be my pleasure.

But don't let this...

Martha. ...Martha ruin your life.

What was the big attraction, anyway?

Did you screw her? Oh, I can't believe he said that.

She's obviously screwing everyone else. She's different, Frank.

She's different from anybody I've ever met.

Laurence, help me out here. You understand these things.

Describe for Frank the perfect woman.

Please. (laughing) Sorry.

Jeez.

The perfect woman.

Well, she'd, um... she'd have a light in her eyes...

Yes.

And an infectious, wonderful smile. Yes.

Yes. Talking to her, you've found you've told her

things you've never told anyone...

I did. I did that. ...began to see things

in a way you've never seen them before. Yes.

Leaving her, you knew somehow things had irreversibly changed,

would never be the same again.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Exactly! Thank you.

So he didn't screw her.

Of course I didn't sleep with her!

Apart from the fact that I don't sleep with anybody on the first date, OK,

we were on an airplane together.

Everyone has sex on airplanes. What are you talking about?

Where? Where?

In the cockpit. In the toilet.

In the... I did it between London and Amsterdam. Ha!

London and Amsterdam's 40 minutes. They don't even let you out of your seats.

I didn't say it was great sex. It was a rush job. Uh-huh.

And how do you do it? Standing up or sitting down?

What do you want? A flipping video? What's the matter with you?

Hey. Look at Laurence. Hmm?

You OK?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Yeah, you're right. You look a bit pale.

Ah, it's nothing.

What's your opinion on all this, mate?

My opinion?

I was just thinking the fact that she hasn't called you

doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested.

You don't think? No.

Plus, we should consider the fact that most women who meet you

do find you very attractive.

Not all of them. I see no reason

why this one should be any different.

She may have just lost your card. She may have lost my card?

And walking around London right now, wishing she knew where to find you.

You see? That is friendship. Yeah, yeah.

That's the way I see it. I hadn't even thought of the card.

Thank you, Laurence.

Thank you. I feel much better now.

(waitress) Here you go. Split this three ways?

Well, wee bollocks! It's over 100 quid.

So? So I can't afford that.

You suggested this overpriced dump.

You flipping pay. Frank, please.

If you can't afford it, then stay at home.

Honestly. Because this happens every time.

It's embarrassing. Thank you.

Keep the change. Thank you, sir.

Maybe if you didn't piss away what little money you have on--

No... Maybe if I didn't piss away what little money I have

on yuppie, uptight, posing...

I swear to God, I'm gonna punch his lights out.

Yeah, dream on, sad boy. Touch one thing, you die.

Oh, shut up, both of you! You really want to hit each other, hit each other.

Just get it over and done with. Anything but talking about it all the time.

It gives me a headache.

It was your fault. Let's go.

Come on, get out.

Laurence, Laurence. Bye-bye.

Sorry. I'll see you when I see you.

Bye. Taxi!

Actually... Look, I've been meaning to speak to you about the actress.

Yeah. Don't.

Well, it's just, Nicky mentioned how upset you were,

so I was... I was not upset.

And then Laurence was concerned enough about your condition

to drive all the way out to the airport

to speak to me about you. Just...

Because your behavior recently has been a little crazy, OK?

You want my opinion?

You should go out there, you should do this audition,

you should get a life.

And maybe then you wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

Taxi!

City, please.

I love my mother deeply, but then she smokes,

she drinks, she quite openly lives with that novelist she...

But then she smokes, she drinks...

She quite openly lives with that novelist...

I love my mother!

I love my mother deeply. But then she smokes, she drinks.

She quite openly lives with that novelist.

Is this the...? Shit.

(practicing vocal exercises)

La-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball

Papa's got a head like a ping-pong ball

Like a ping, like a pink-pong ball

Papa's got a a head like a ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong ball

(man) OK. And next.

What could be sillier or more hopeless

than the position I found myself in often enough -

solid rows of celebrities sitting in her drawing room...

(man) Good. OK, let's go to the next one.

What is it - Frank McEwan.

What do you mean, he's gone?

Did you know, if you walk through this park,

you get a unique history of England? Hmm? Mm-mm.

Oh, yeah.

Says if you go north, you see the Houses of Parliament, right,

telling us that this is a democracy.

If you go west, you see the Queen's guards,

reminding us that this is a monarchy.

If you look east, you see the Flags of the Commonwealth,

reminding us that this was once an empire.

And if you... if you look...

south...

...you get water,

reminding us that this is an island.

(Martha) Hmm.

Did you know that the city of London is built

on ancient Roman burial ground?

No. No, didn't know that. No.

Oh, yeah.

There's over 150 different languages spoken in London,

and that the residential population is eight million,

rising to ten million in the summertime.

Hmm. Ten million people.

A lot of people. Yep.

Especially when you're just looking for one.

One in ten million.

Sir? Hmm?

0 Can I have a sip of your drink?

Thank you.

I'm Martha, by the way.

I know.

(laughing)

You can't know. It's impossible for you to know.

Yeah. No, you're Martha, you're American,

and you're looking for someone that you think...

that you know that you're in love with,

because you feel it right here.

Don't you?

Actually, it was here. Here?

Here.

It was like a thunderbolt. A thunderbolt?

Mm-hmm. Right.

What's that feel like? Just for my education,

what's that feel like, to be struck by a thunderbolt?

It happened in the airport.

I was carrying my bags, you know...

Crowds everywhere. Confusion, you know,

and then all of a sudden, there was no more noise.

There was just him, and there was me.

And I felt sick, you know?

And it makes me so angry, because that was not the plan.

Uh-uh.

The plan was a future of irresponsible liaisons

and roads paved in gold.

The plan was not waking up alone in a hotel room, lonely.

And in love, booking the first flight home.

You're going home?

Yeah, there's a flight that leaves tomorrow night.

Isn't that pathetic, huh?

24 hours in a brand-new life, and I completely choke.

Now my only hope is that, when I go home,

no one will have even noticed that I left.

You know? That way I can get my job back, and my apartment.

Oh, my God!

That whiskey really hit me.

Yeah, yeah. Me too.

(man) We're gonna get soaked. (laughs)

(Frank) They really should know by now.

(Martha) Ohh...

Listen, I don't suppose you'd consider taking a coffee

with a certain pathetic, spineless drunk?

They say like attracts like, right?

They do, don't they?

(both laughing)

(Martha) Soaked! Oh!

Coffee or tea? Yeah, I'll have tea.

Here?

Uh, two teas, please. There you are, son.

Hello?

Yeah, it's me. Me.

I've got her. Who?

What do you mean, who? Her! Daniel's American.

What do you mean, got her? Well, eating out of my hand.

You know, pupils dilating.

Um, Frank, tell me, where are you now?

In the café, in the park. I can't wait to tell Daniel.

I am really gonna enjoy this.

Frank, listen to me. I haven't got time for a moral discussion, Florence.

I just wanted to tell someone the good news.

It was the worst thing that could've happened.

And with the destructive mood Frank was in,

left alone to seduce her...

Well, you could imagine how I felt.

You know, your face is so familiar to me.

You look like somebody.

My face is probably familiar because, as a child,

I was a successful working actor.

Wow. Yeah.

(whispering) And it all fell apart.

Not such a bad life.

You know, I occasionally get a "Whatever happened to" column

written about me in the newspapers.

Every couple of Christmases, they rerun some of my old films,

I got a whole new batch of love letters from six-year-old girls.

I'm very big with six-year-old girls.

That's it?

You don't get love letters from anyone else?

Why?

Why?

You know, you're funny. You know, you have a nice smile.

Someone might be missing out.

Where's Mr. One in Ten Million now?

Hmm?

You've forgotten all about him, didn't you?

That's not true. Yes, it is.

You were sitting there, and you were thinking,

"God, yes, this man is OK. He's better than I thought."

What, you think when a man and a woman meet each other,

that's the only thing that goes through their minds?

'Course. Yeah, when they're attracted to one another.

In fact, most people are attracted to just about everybody.

This "perfect partner" bollocks is just a hoax,

a physical, chemical impossibility.

You know why?

My perfect partner is me.

You?

Me with breasts. OK. I've heard enough now.

It would be a perfect relationship if you liked the same food,

liked the same music, the sex would be great...

What is the point of all this?

The point is, there is no one in ten million.

You don't think so, huh? No, absolutely not.

Then we'll agree to differ. Well, whatever you say.

Nice meeting you. Yeah.

Excuse me, son. You haven't paid your bill.

Didn't she... she... Right.

Oh. I'll be back in about half an hour. No!

I'll be back for the change later.

Look on the bright side.

You've still got 24 hours to be as irresponsible as you like.

Look, Frank, we had a cup of tea, all right?

I think we should just go our separate ways.

Look, we could always swap, you see.

You stay here, I go to Minneapolis.

Have you got hot running water?

It's a damn sight more than I've got.

I appreciate the effort, really, but you know...

Whatever circumstances of your life, they could not be as depressing as mine!

Ha! I wouldn't bet on it!

Oh. OK, OK, try me.

Come on.

I live in this damp, single-story kennel.

The windows need repairing. Mm-hmm.

The gas leaks. I live on the 16th floor of a housing project, OK?

I sleep to the sound of police helicopters and gunfire.

OK, OK. Parents - I don't have any.

Well, not that talk to me. OK. My father died when I was three

and my mother left me to become a Seventh Day Adventist.

OK. In the last few hours, I've blown the biggest job opportunity

I'll probably ever have in years.

This past year alone, I applied for 13 jobs.

None called back, and my wage was cut to $1.80 an hour.

In the last month, I have been arrested

and spent three nights in jail

after police found me unconscious in the streets!

What? Ha-ha-ha!

You know, I mean it's...

No, you roll your eyes and everything, you pretend you disapprove.

But the fact is, you like me more than you did

an hour ago... (laughs)

(Frank laughs)

I love this place. It's so full of hypocrites.

Look at that bloke, pretending he's interested in the paintings.

Look at him. Look.

(Frank laughs)

Oh, look at this one.

What does that prat care about art?

He's read in some magazine this is the best pick-up joint in London.

That's why he's doing it.

That is such a cynical attitude. It's realistic.

People come to art galleries for the sex.

See that couple over there? They're here to look at the paintings.

There's nothing more boring than looking at paintings.

The only reason anyone ever comes to an art gallery is to get laid.

I say they're interested in art.

All right. We'll do an experiment.

Uh-uh. No, no, come on.

Come on.

I'll walk that way.

You walk that way. OK.

By the time we meet, I guarantee you

some single man with an interest in art

will have come up to you and gone,

(affected voice) "Oh, yes, I see you like this piece.

Perhaps we can talk about it over coffee."

OK. Back here, two minutes.

That way. That's right.

All right.

(laughing)

And that was it. She just disappeared.

You have two self-obsessed friends locked into a fruitless rivalry

who don't give a care in the world about you or your well-being.

So, what's the problem?

We need to go back to the airport in London. Do we have time?

Half an hour.

When I found out that Daniel had been in Minneapolis,

I decided to meet his flight.

I felt we needed to talk about Frank.

I knew that if I didn't get him alone...

So I went to the airport.

You remember I mentioned the plane had a tailwind.

Well, it arrived half an hour early.

Aah!

(woman) Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm OK. Thank you.

...International, final call, flight number...

Sir, where are the taxis?

Uh, far doors, follow the signs. Thank you very much.

Aah! Jesus!

I'm really sorry. I did not see you standing there. Oh, God!

What in the hell is happening to me?

Don't worry about it. Are you sure?

I'm just tired. I'm traveling alone. No, no.

I'm fine. I'm OK. Are you OK?

I'm sorry. I'm OK. Don't worry. Don't worry.

It's just not my lucky...

...day.

(chuckles)

OK. Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Fine.

Next, please. Excuse me, pardon me. I'm sorry.

Hi. I'd like you to page someone for me, please.

I don't know his name. All's I know is I'm supposed to meet him.

Right. I'll need his flight details...

No, no, I'm saying I'm supposed to meet him.

By that, it's just, you know...

You watch a lot of sports on TV? Yeah?

Yes.

Yeah, like gladiator, rough, wrestling kind of thing?

Right. I think I need to speak to your colleague. This is kind of a woman's thing.

I'm not sure a man that watches a lot of sports would understand what I'm saying.

Jillian, would you like to deal with this customer, please?

How can I help? Hi.

Have you ever seen a man, you know, a complete stranger

and that's the one. That's him!

Madam... He could be right here and you know it.

Madam, this is an airport information desk. I know.

We deal with lost property, flight arrival times...

I know, I know, I know. You don't understand what this would mean to me.

Please. Madam, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask--

Give me that microphone.

I do this in the name of sports-watching, romantically minded men,

a much-maligned, misunderstood minority.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is airport information.

Would a gentleman wearing a... A brown coat...

...brown coat... ...like, a white T-shirt.

...white T-shirt and...

Khaki pants. ...k-kha...

Khaki pants. ...a pair of trousers

report to the information desk now, please.

OK, ready. Go on, back it up.

Come on, this way. Oh, no, no, no.

What's going on?

Stop! That's my car!

Sorry. I lost someone.

The gentleman over there? Uh-uh. No.

No? Can you try it one more time? Just really quick?

Well, I could, but we've got an awful lot of people...

Please! Give me two seconds! Ohh!

Haven't you got any compassion? I've only been two seconds.

(over intercom) Would a gentleman wearing a white T-shirt or shirt,

khaki pants and definitely brown shoes or boots

please report to the information desk now, please?

Never mind.

Away you go.

Bloody hell, mate, what's going on here?

What the bloody hell... Shit, are you all right?

Hi.

Look, you're in absolutely no condition to drive,

and I need the ride to London, so why don't you get in?

You want me to-- Go around the back.

Hop in. Come on.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

OK, here's the deal. I'm gonna drive you into London,

I'm gonna take you for an expensive dinner

at the Blacks Hotel. Do you know it?

Yes, it's a very famous hotel.

Oh, good. So we'll eat famous lamb with mint sauce.

OK.

Oh, I'm Martha, by the way. Laurence.

Laurence. Laurence.

Uh, you can drive, yeah? Yeah, good.

Whoops. Sorry. There you go - easy.

You all right? No, you're not.

Look at you - you're not OK at all, are you, huh?

Of course I wasn't all right. I'd just been knocked unconscious,

and now an American who's never driven a stick shift before

is driving my car on the wrong side of the road.

Got you some ice.

Ow.

Ah, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. That better?

Ow. I'm fine, thank you.

Nice to meet you anyway.

That was quite an impression you made.

Oh, really?

The blood, you know, falling in my arms.

So, what do you do for a living? I teach bridge.

Oh.

It's a card game.

Oh, so you're a gambler.

No, no, no, no.

Actually, I mainly teach old ladies.

Ah, old ladies. So I get it.

You're like a gigolo and a gambler, huh? Uh, no. Not quite.

To be a teacher, you must be pretty good, though, huh?

So, when was the last time you played?

Not for a while, huh? No.

What's the matter? Aren't you good enough?

Yeah, that's exactly the problem - I'm not good enough.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

No. Don't worry about it. That was really stupid.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

It's just... sometimes when I get nervous,

you know, I say the dumbest things.

When I get nervous, I never say anything.

I just sit there and get uptight.

( "Fools Like Us" by Echo and the Bunnymen)

Great. She'd known me just ten minutes

and already had me down as a failed card player

stuck in a dead-end job for the rest my life.

It's fools like us

Always fooled

By the bright side of life

Life on the cool

How does it turn?

(Laurence) I could've told her about the dreams I had,

the plans I was making to pack up and leave,

the map on my wall, covered in places I'd go

as soon as I'd saved the money.

But that was something I'd told no one.

That was my own secret.

So this is London, huh?

Yeah.

You lived here all your life? Yep.

What's your favorite part?

Um, my favorite...

Well, there's a little corner of my local park,

playing chess in the rain.

There's a tiny bandstand surrounded by trees.

Oh.

See, now, that is a local's tip.

In Minneapolis, all the visitors head straight for the Mall of America

or the Vikings Stadium.

But the locals...

There's this perfect little spot at the top of Linden Hills...

The Linden Hills? The Linden Hills.

If I ever go, I'll remember.

Can I ask you a question?

If you met a complete stranger on an airplane

and he offered you an expensive hotel room, would you take it?

Probably no.

Me neither.

Good evening, madam. Thank you.

Here's your bag.

Thanks.

It was nice meeting you. And you.

And good luck.

You too.

Wait, wait, wait! Um...

What? We made a deal, remember?

You drive me into London, and I take you for an expensive dinner.

I mean, I still owe you, right? Right.

Oh, hi! Hiya.

Um, yes, I'd like to order some food.

Delivery.

Um, I'd like to order a steak.

(mouthing)

Uh, medium. And, um, lamb

with that spicy mint sauce on the side.

And, um, some Dom... Dan...

Dom Perignon. The champagne.

Yes. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Thank you. Bye.

I, uh... Whoo!

I, um, sometimes catch myself thinking the most awful things, you know?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

So, what about you?

Do you, you know, ever think terrible things?

Sometimes I think I should just pack up and clear out.

Just go. Go where?

Don't know.

First flight anywhere. To hell with them all.

You said... you said, "To hell with them all."

Who's "them"? Well, my friends, for example.

Ohh. Who aren't really your friends at all, right?

Forget your birthdays, take you for granted, talk about themselves.

Exactly.

Who else?

The person who burgled my flat three times in the last year.

He burgled mine, too.

The people I work for. What about them?

They're so... powdered. And middle-aged.

And perfumed. And lecherous.

And so spectacularly, flipping untalented.

All I wanna do is take a mirror and hold it up

to their grotesque, sagging, surgically adjusted faces and say,

"Forget it! Get back to your wife." Exactly.

Whoo! Jesus. This...

Oh, my God. I don't believe it.

What is that - London Bridge? Albert Bridge.

Albert Bridge. Prince...

Hold on.

Aha.

At your service. Very good thinking.

Yep.

Thank you. Cheers.

Cheers.

You know, all of my life, I was told,

if I worked hard, stayed out of trouble,

my life would be a fairy tale.

In 1988, my high school gave me this plague,

you know, "Most Likely To Be Successful."

You know where it hangs?

It's hanging by my desk in a rental car company.

Where you work over 60 hours a week.

Yeah. For a Neanderthal boss

who sticks his ass on the copy machine.

So, what - it all became clear in here?

Exactly.

Except it was here.

It was like my eyes just completely opened up.

You know, like... like St. Paul on the road to that wherever...

Damascus. Yes, exactly.

And one night, I realized, if I wanted to,

I could just take off. Who'd miss me?

No one.

So the next morning, I picked up my check,

which was a couple hundred dollars...

packed my bags, and the first flight I could afford was London,

so voilà, here I am.

First flight anywhere. Mm-hmm.

Just take someone with you.

Trust me - it's less scary that way.

Finding the right person - you need someone

with all the right similarities... Mm-hmm.

...yet all the right differences.

Someone to read your mind instinctively. Thanks.

Yet cover your weaknesses.

Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.

Do you believe that things happen for a reason?

I don't understand.

Well, I'm starting to believe

that nothing happens without a reason.

You know, these random things that happen aren't random at all.

I think things happen because...

well, they're meant to happen.

Like... like I think I was meant to come to London.

You know? Just something pulling me here.

Some... way or somehow,

there were better things in store for me.

Like... like what?

Like...

(knock at door)

(man) Room service.

Oh, my God. What?

The food. The food?

We ordered food. Remember? Mint sauce?

I remember.

OK, um... Well, um...

I'll go to the bathroom and you can get the door in there.

(Martha sighs)

Oh, my God.

(knock)

Room service.

Yes!

For the lady. Thank you.

With the compliments of Mr. Alfry.

Thank you.

Oy! Wait, wait, wait. What was that name again?

Alfry, sir. Daniel Alfry. There's a card in the flowers.

Oh, and dinner will be right with you.

Thank you.

( humming)

( singing)

( humming)

(gargles)

(sprays)

If they think there's gonna be anything left of this place

when I get through, they got another thing coming.

Laurence?

Laurence?

No.

Laurence!

Laurence!

That was typical.

It was the most perfect night of your life...

And I froze.

Put Daniel first when I should've thrown away his flowers

and taken her in my arms. Yeah, but don't you see?

That's what makes you so special.

You were loyal to a friend. You put principles first.

You took the moral high ground.

Then how do you explain this? What?

Right now, she's asleep in my bed.

In your bed?

Well, unless I'm very much mistaken, I, um...

I think I missed something.

You remember the following day, Daniel invited us to lunch?

Yeah.

Well, it all happened then.

Laurence, help me out here. You understand these things.

Describe to Frank the perfect woman.

(laughs)

Please. Oh, you are sad.

Please.

The perfect woman?

Well, she'd have a light in her eyes, um...

Yes? ...an infectious, wonderful smile.

Yes?

Talking to her, you found you've told her things

you've never told anyone. I did. I did that.

Began to see things in a way you've never seen them before. He did that.

Leaving her, you knew somehow things had irreversibly changed.

Yes, yes! Would never be the same again.

Exactly. Thank you, thank you.

So he didn't screw her. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

Well, wee bollocks! It's over 100 quid. So?

So I can't afford that. (indistinct chatter)

Then stay at home.

Posing...

(indistinct chatter)

You're dead. Oh, shut up!

Both of you! You really wanna hit each other, hit each other.

Just get it over and done with. Anything but talking about it all the time.

Gives me a headache.

You was angry.

I was.

Furious.

Saw Daniel was involved.

Loyalty of friends always comes first. Remember?

What happened next?

And adding them to the number of your two longest suits.

(cell phone rings)

Sorry.

Hello?

It's me. I've got her.

Who? What do you mean, who? Her! Daniel's American.

What do you mean, got her? Eating out of my hand.

You know, pupils dilating.

Listen, where are you now?

In the café in the park. I can't wait to tell Daniel.

I'm really gonna enjoy this. Frank, listen to me.

I haven't got time for a moral discussion, Florence.

I just wanted to tell someone the good news.

(hangs up)

Ladies, I can explain.

There's something I have to do. Something very important.

And if I don't do it now... I may never forgive myself.

( "Step Into My World" by Hurricane \#1)

We don't live in the same world

I caught you looking in my world

As if you wanna be my girl

I think we're dreaming the same dream...

...a man in a dark coat...

I'll let you be in my dream

If you show me your dream

Tell me what it means

I don't wanna spend the rest of my days

Running around

Chasing your shadow

So please don't let this chance slip away

If you waste it this time

I won't be here tomorrow

Oh, there's another one. What does he care about art?

...this is the best pick-up joint in London.

...for sex.

You see that couple over there? You see how bored they are?

That is just... No.

Comes to an art gallery just to get laid.

All right, we'll do an experiment. Come on.

I'll go that way. You go that way.

Sorry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

What are you doing here? I was just, um...

Do you have any idea how weird this is?

Us meeting like this?

Aren't you pleased to see me?

No.

Yes, yes, I am. Yes, you are.

No, you're not. What's wrong? Nothing.

I was just leaving. Me too.

Would you help me with my bags?

You know, I could take the silence personally,

but after what you told me yesterday, I'll assume that you're just nervous

and I'll take that as a compliment.

And whatever it is you're so angry about, just stop it!

I realize I owe you an apology. I should've never accepted that hotel room.

It was irresponsible, the business with the flowers and everything...

What happened to your hand?

I made an omelet this morning.

You know that they say that clumsiness is linked to your emotions?

Oh, is that right?

You'll allow me to take that as a second compliment.

In the absence of any conversation, that is.

Wow.

This is great.

My apartment, I'd have to walk up 16 stories.

The elevator works OK, but it's strictly for drug deals

and contract fellatio.

Uh, sorry. Let me get the door.

Um, follow me.

If you wanna make yourself comfy...

I'll, um, make us... (phone ringing)

...some tea. Yum.

I'll be right back. OK.

Hello. It's me.

(whispering) Daniel! This isn't a good time.

You're right. It's a terrible time.

I'm 33 years old and I feel like a jilted teenager.

I've bunkeded up on a diet of chocolate

and afternoon television and books...

books that I don't even understand.

Daniel, this really isn't...

Laurence, I hurt in places I didn't know existed.

Daniel, I said this isn't a good time!

(dial tone)

Laurence?

This for your card playing? Yeah.

Thought you said you had no talent. I don't.

Then why does it have your name on it?

Oh, my partner did all the work. Your partner?

Mm. He really could read people.

Oh, come on, you can do that. I'm sorry?

Well, if someone's telling the truth or if they're lying,

you know, you can learn how to read the signs.

Like right now, you're still upset about something.

Oh, really?

Are these yours? Hmm?

They're good.

I just paid you a compliment. You could smile a little.

Thank you.

Whatever it is that's so important, just say it, OK?

You've been like this ever since we ran into one another. No, I haven't.

Well, then why are you looking at me like that?

(phone ringing) Because I...

You... Because what?

Because! (phone continues ringing)

Will you excuse me?

Sure.

Yes!

(Frank) I give up, you know?

I no longer understand women.

Frank, this isn't a good time.

(chuckling) Yeah.

Yeah, it's a bloody terrible time.

We were at the gallery.

You know, she was eating out of my hand.

All of a sudden, she just... just like that,

just disappears on the way back to Daniel. To Daniel?

Yeah. Well, she had her heart set on him all along, didn't she?

I mean, I gave it my best shot.

A credit to him. He's gone well and truly.

Daniel.

Well, she told me herself, you know.

She met him at the airport, didn't she?

(mocking) The moment she saw him, she knew.

Something about his little brown jacket.

Khaki trousers. I didn't know he wore khaki trousers.

Florence?

Laurence? Laurence. Oh, don't get--

(hangs up)

Everything OK?

Everything's fine. You just relax.

(groaning) Mummy... Mummy...

Mummy! Martha!

Oh!

(moans)

(siren)

Laurence?

Laurence.

Good morning. Morning.

Tea time.

Are you gonna ask me questions or do I just talk?

(sighs)

I wanna talk about love...

friendship and deceit.

I wanna talk about the fact that, up until three days ago,

there were friends...

Oh, my God.

Do you know anyone in London? Mm-mm.

I'm Martha, by the way. I know.

Would you take it? Probably no.

When I found out Daniel had been in Minneapolis,

I decided to meet his flight.

It was a disaster, that night. I didn't sleep at all.

Surprise, surprise. I think it was fine.

You was angry.

I was.

Which brings us up to date.

You have a decision to make.

Yes.

Lifelong friends on one side,

a woman on the other.

Perhaps the closest friends you'll ever have.

Buddies through thick and thin. What's the problem?

Bearing in mind there's no such thing as a difficult decision.

I'm sorry?

Well, every day we make hundreds of thousands of decisions.

In a year, they run into tens of millions.

People get themselves into knots.

The truth is, decisions are easy.

You know why?

Because every time - every time -

we already know the answers.

You think? Absolutely.

Trade secret I always tell my boys. Oh...

You see, you didn't come to see me to make a decision.

You came to me because you didn't like the decision you'd already made.

(beeping)

Sorry, Laurence. Time's up.

Thank you very much. I felt so good.

So do I. I'm always here.

I'm sorry for waking you. No...

It's funny -

there's a psychiatrist living next-door to me.

And you chose to talk to me.

And I'm flattered.

It's been a pleasure meeting you, Laurence.

You're... you're not...?

What line of work are you in? Just out of interest.

Construction. Construction?

Mm.

You take care now.

Thank you.

Martha?

Martha.

(Martha) Breakfast - flower market café in square.

Excuse... Oh, my God. What...?

(Daniel) Funny.

Laurence? Oh, what the hell is going on?

What the hell are you doing here? Would you please...

(Frank) Oh, we've been set up.

(Frank laughs)

Very funny, very funny. Well done.

Ohh!

(overlapping chatter)

This is pretty funny, huh?

(chuckles) Hilarious.

Listen, um, before I take off, I just need to know,

does this happen all the time? No, no, no.

These male clubs where guys pick up a girl, set her up and they make her fall in love

and then they rip the rug out from underneath their feet.

Does this happen all the time, or have I just been really unlucky?

Oh, no, no. I can explain.

Frank, shut up. What could you possibly explain to me?

You see, I'm a little bit older than six,

and the only people interested in you are six-year-old girls. Sorry.

Martha, Martha, this is... Daniel, uh-uh.

Please.

You're a sweet little man...

But 100 bucks says that you took those books

and you put them right back up without reading a single one of them.

Am I right? My books?

Yeah. Actually, I did do that, yes.

Uh-huh.

See, maybe it's me.

I mean, I thought that this would be different, you know?

But if you think that this is gonna get me down, you're wrong.

Because I'm tough. You know.

I've made a decision.

I've changed my life - something none of you have the courage to do.

None of you!

Are you just gonna stand there, or do you have anything to say to me?

Yeah, well, I think I can explain if you just give me the time.

I don't know who he is. I actually don't understand...

Don't freeze on me.

Don't freeze on me now, please.

Please don't.

Frank, shut up! Don't tell me to shut up!

Shut up! You are so arrogant!

What the hell are you so uptight about? Wait. Wait!

(overlapping arguing) Martha!

Laurence, I'm sorry, mate. I wasn't--

Aah!

Don't push me.

Don't push me. You see? You see?

Don't push me.

You'll regret it. Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Ow! That was my arm.

Aah! Like it? Like it? See? It hurts.

Yeah.

Ah! Stop! My eye, my eye. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. My eye.

Ha! Aah! Aah!

(Frank and Daniel grunting and yelling)

(Frank) You... Ow!

Sir? The first flight anywhere for 99 pounds.

I beg your pardon? You heard what I said.

You have a date in mind for your return?

No return. I beg your pardon?

I'm not coming back. One way.

Thank you. 'Cause there comes a point

when you find the one person,

the one thing that ever mattered.

Oh, damn it!

Instead of holding it tight and recognizing it

for the priceless, most beautiful,

precious gift it is,

Ohh!

Instead of having the courage...

you do what you've done all your life, all your life.

You freeze. Freeze!

So the truth is, whatever name you pull out of that hat,

things will be a whole lot better there than they are here.

Reykjavik.

I'm sorry?

Capital of Iceland, sir.

Some attractive features, I'm told.

400 miles of iceberg, longhaired sheep

and 20 hours of darkness a day.

Your flight leaves at 2200 hours.

Reykjavik.

First flight anywhere...

99 pounds.

Thank you.

Have you made a decision yet, madam?

( rock)

(Frank) Deny to me.

Deny that it felt good.

It felt good.

It felt bloody magnificent.

I feel like I've become a member of some historic male club, you know.

This is how woman feel when they give birth.

Yeah. Yeah, except for the hands probably.

Yeah. Why don't they tell you it hurts hands like that. I never knew that.

Come on.

I can't work out what he was doing there.

You mean Laurence? Yeah.

(Frank) Standing there with those flowers.

What were they? Peonies? He probably got them for his flat.

Yeah, he's probably got his stick in his bridge trophies.

Can you imagine if he was there to meet her?

Excuse me. Excuse me. A moment, sir.

You're the 100,000th passenger

to fly on this airline this year.

Right. And to mark the occasion,

the airline would like to fly you first class.

First class?

Would you like another drink? Thank you.

Here we go, sir. First class. Here's your seat down here.

You sure this is, um... Yes, yes.

Iceland, huh?

(Martha) London and Amsterdam, that's, like, not even...

(Laurence) 40 minutes, I know. You didn't recommend it.

(Martha) Well, we have all the time in the world.

( "I Only Want to be With You" by Dusty Springfield)

I don't know what it is that makes me love you so

I only know I never wanna let you go

'Cause you've started something

Oh, can't you see?

That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

It happens to be true

I only want to be with you

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do

I want to spend each moment of the day with you

Oh, look what has happened with just one kiss

I never knew that I could be in love like this

It's crazy but it's true

I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me

Asked if I'd care to dance

I fell into your open arms

And I didn't stand a chance

Now, listen, honey,

I just wanna be beside you everywhere

As long as we're together, honey, I don't care

'Cause you've started something

Oh, can't you see

That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do

I only want to be with you

Oh, oh, you stopped and you smiled at me

Asked if I'd care to dance

I fell into your open arms

I didn't stand a chance Now hear me tell you

I just want to be beside you everywhere

As long as we're together, honey, I don't care

'Cause you've started something

Oh, can't you see

That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do

I only want to be with you

I said no matter, no matter what you do

I only want to be with you

( "Fools Like Us" by Echo and the Bunnymen)

It's fools like us

Always fooled

By the bright side of life

Then life on the cool

How does it turn

How does it turn

Into the dying embers

From a love that burned

On its way to your heart somehow

On its way to your heart somehow

On its way to your heart somehow

They're falling again

My shining stars

From out of your heaven

And into my heart

Ribbons and chains

Ribbons and chains