Original subtitles

Breathe from your pelvis, and meditate on the movement of water.

Raise your Swadhisthana chakra. This is the sexual center of your being.

- Wayne. - What do you call a lawn without a pool?

Well, I call it a yawn.

Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...

... and I've been installing swimming pools in the Greater Cleveland area...

... since 1976.

Our service is classy, and the pools are definitely splashy.

So take the yawn out of your lawn and call me today for a free estimate.

Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.

That water is fine.

"Dear Mr. Knudsen...

...I was delighted to hear of your company's interest in relocating to Cleveland.

Over the last decade, our city has transformed itself...

...from a decaying industrial town into a vibrant, world-class metropolis.

What was once 'the mistake by the lake'...

...is now 'the roar by the shore."'

Do you know how many times I've typed this letter?

No, but you do.

One thousand four hundred and eighty-two times.

How sad is that?

Oh, check this out.

It says here that 30 million American women suffer from sexual dysfunction.

- Can you believe that? - What do you mean by sexual dysfunction?

As in, no payoff.

Oh, I thought you meant something weird, like a physical abnormality.

You don't think 30 million women is weird?

We're talking about a chronic failure to achieve orgasm.

Think they could write about something important.

You don't think orgasms are important?

I'd shoot myself if I couldn't come.

Thirty million women would shoot themselves if they couldn't come.

Hey, teacher. You forgot your sandwich.

Nice performance, Jack.

- Good impression on the kids. - Hey, blow me.

You know, I'm worried about you, Jack.

You used to be the most popular teacher in Carmen High.

And now look at you. You're a shithead.

- You think it might be depression? - Why would I be depressed?

I'm a biology teacher in the Cleveland public school system.

Well, beside being the football coach, I'm also the school counselor this year.

So if you have any problems, I'm here to hear.

- Who taught you that? - I did. You like it?

It sucks.

I know it's hard to reach out, but you need help, Jack.

You wanna help me? Pass the steroids.

You know, I don't really believe in all this depression stuff.

I mean, it's very simple. There are men and there are babies.

And you, you're a baby.

I mean, every night, you go to bed with the most magnificent woman in Cleveland.

I mean, that'd be enough to make any man happy.

Good talk, coach.

I mean, sure would make me happy.

I mean, it would.

- I'm sure you can guess why we're here. - No way.

That's right. Yamaguchi Industries decided on Cleveland...

...and they're bringing 400 jobs.

Quite an achievement, considering the recession.

Congratulations, Miss Vice President.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

You can't really be surprised.

So how much is the raise?

I've got a lot of really creative employees, Priscilla.

And you know what? They're a dime a dozen.

But you're a rare breed.

You're creative, and you're predictable.

So awesomely, unbelievably predictable.

And that's the quality I prize most.

Yo, why are we wasting time with this textbook?

I could write this textbook.

- It's a college-level textbook. - Yeah, junior college.

You wanna learn something now? I thought you knew everything.

All right.

- Where'd you get it? - The cafeteria.

I need a volunteer.

You're all so eager. All right, who can name the subspecies it belongs to?

Right.

- G. pardalis babcocki. - That's absolutely right.

- Well done... - Kristen. Kristen Taylor.

Right, Kristen. Come on up here, Kristen.

Hey, Garbin. Wake up. Kill those lights for me, would you?

I want the rest of you to take some notes.

Garbin, kill the lights.

All right, can you properly identify each portion of the shield?

Sure. Over here's the marginal...

...then the pygal, the costal... - Right. Yeah.

...the vertebral and...

The nuchal. N-U-C-H-A-L.

Some people say "nuchal," other people say "nuchal."

I say "nuchal," but that's because my people are from Russia.

Nuchal.

I got a promotion.

I'm a vice president.

Really? Way to hustle.

Come on, Jack. Be happy for me.

Yeah. We could do stuff. We could maybe even get a pool.

- I don't want a pool anymore. - Why not?

I don't want my belly offending the neighbors.

Here's to me. Congratulations, Priscilla.

Here's to you.

Congratulations.

Do you have any idea what your frigidity has done to me?

It's called sexual dysfunction.

I'm sorry. Do you have any idea what your sexual dysfunction has done to me?

No? Let me tell you.

You marry the prettiest girl in Cleveland, and you think:

"All right. Everything's going my way.

I mean, all right, we have this one little thing, but we can deal with it."

I mean, you know that joke, right? How do you make a woman come?

Who cares?

Well, after 10 years of failed fucking...

God, 10... How many times you suppose that is?

We've had sex 1482 times, not including this morning.

Well...

...all my failure begins to take a toll.

I mean, look at me. Am I really the man you thought I'd become?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

- What the hell are you doing? - Jack left. He moved to the garage.

He says it's because I have sexual dysfunction.

He said that?

- What an asshole. - No, it's true.

I'm one of 30 million nonexistent American women with sexual dysfunction.

When was the last time you were functional?

Sexual dysfunction, as in never in my life.

- You've never had an orgasm? - No.

Wow, that's just so weird.

What about masturbation?

- No, I don't do that. - But you have.

No.

You've never masturbated?

Never.

Strike three!

Caught looking. Looks like it's gonna be a long season for the Buckeyes.

What do you call a lawn without a pool? Well, I call it a yawn.

Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...

- and the pools are definitely splashy.

The water's fine.

That water is fine.

Let me see if I understand this.

You think that you're unhappy...

...because you feel that you can't give your wife an orgasm.

It's not my inability to give her an orgasm, it's her inability to have one.

If it's her fault, then why are you letting it ruin your life?

I don't care about the orgasms.

I gave Mary Slotnick six orgasms in one night.

Jenny Fitzgerald got the nickname Opera Girl because one night...

Okay, okay. We get it. We get it.

I mean, I have staying power, my penis is above average.

Well above average.

- Is that true? - I don't know. What's average?

Smaller than mine.

It's smaller than mine.

Now, Priscilla, do you feel that you fulfill Jack's needs?

- We have sex whenever he wants. - Do you enjoy it?

I've never thought of it in those terms.

But I suppose I don't not enjoy it.

- So it's a duty? - Yes.

- No, no. It's not a duty. It's... - I'll be honest here.

My wife is very good in bed.

- She is? - I am?

Yeah.

- You've given me a lot of pleasure. - Thank you.

But how can I feel like a man if I can't make you come?

Your inability to give me an orgasm is not the measure of a man.

It's what you make of yourself that determines your worth...

...not your performance in the bedroom.

That's horseshit.

So if you were in a car accident, became a paraplegic...

...and your penis didn't work, you would just give up on life?

You got it. Yeah, pretty mu... Hey, no dick, no life.

- Can you believe this guy? - For many men...

...the center of the self is the penis.

Thank you.

Okay, well, let's say I'm willing to accept that. What then?

There's a simple solution to your problem.

There is?

- I can't believe that guy. - What an idiot.

"My name is Dr. Harry Lee."

"But you can call me Dr. Harry."

Oh, God.

- You don't need a vibrator, do you? - No.

I don't need a vibrator.

I mean, that's just silly, you know? We need to be daring, without batteries.

God. I don't get it. You're so close, and then it just stop...

- What did I do wrong? - You didn't do anything wrong.

Fifty million women in the United States...

...suffer from orgasmic dysfunction.

Fifty million.

But tonight, we are going to cut that number by 10.

Because tonight, we are going to learn...

...about the healing power of masturbation.

The greatest source of energy known to womankind.

Yes, yes, yes!

Now, I want you to write a name for your vagina.

Anything you please.

Satin Doll. Happy Hole. Betty.

Christen her. Own her.

It could be anything you choose, you know. All right, does everybody have a name?

Let's see. What have you got there?

Oh, that is splendid. But that could be a boy's name. Change it.

Is everybody finished?

Everybody? Every beautiful little body?

All right. Now I want you each...

...to draw a picture of your vaginas.

I am looking for a metaphorical representation.

Yes? Yes? It could be anything you want, but please, let's make it artistic, yes?

You know what I mean, don't you?

Think Picasso. Think van Gogh.

Now, each of you will notice...

...that you have a small hand mirror on your easels.

I want you to discover your vaginas.

Every glorious fold.

Every beautiful nook and cranny.

This is your power center.

Liberate your labia.

Value your vulva.

Claim your clitoris.

- Claim it! Christen it. - I don't think I've ever looked at mine.

Start looking.

Come on.

Come on.

Down you go.

Hello, Fifi.

- Hey, Mr. Chase. - Get down. Someone might see you.

Okay, get up, get up. Someone might see you.

- What do you want? - A ride.

To the Case Western University biophysics lab.

- I work there. - Good for you.

I'm not in pain, you know.

Have you looked at yourself lately?

That's just the aging process doing its dirty work.

- Come on, 45's not that old. - I'm 36.

Look, I don't want you, Mr. Chase, okay? I respect you.

- Oh, respect. - Yeah, respect.

Teachers are some of the most important figures in society.

Nobody gives a shit about teachers.

Teachers don't even give a shit about teachers.

Let me tell you a story, okay?

When I was 15, I was a dedicated stoner.

But then I took your Intro to Bio class, and it turned my head upside down.

I mean, the Golgi complex, cytoplasm, the double helix.

I mean, you taught that stuff with such passion.

So I dumped my stoner pals, hit the books, and now I'm a National Merit Scholar.

And it's all thanks to you.

No. Congratulations, but it's got nothing to do with me.

Well, whatever.

I just want you to know that I'm here for you.

You're here. Okay. And what do you know about real life?

Nothing.

But I know what I see.

This is your top of the line, right?

Yeah, that's our deluxe model.

Can you absolutely, positively guarantee that it will give me an orgasm?

Yeah. We stand behind our products 100 percent.

Good. I'll take one.

- Are you serious? - Yeah. How much?

I don't think I can sell that to you in good conscience.

You're right.

It's dusty.

Look, you're not really here just for kicks, are you?

No.

- You're here to solve a problem, right? - Yes.

- Sometimes, rarely or never? - Never.

Sweet Jesus.

So I came in here to get a thing so I wouldn't actually have to touch myself.

You know, you don't have to masturbate to have an orgasm.

You don't?

No, you just have to come in the backroom with me.

What?

Oh, my God, you're propositioning me.

But you're a girl.

I mean, you're pretty and everything...

...but I'm married, and I'm not like that.

So I think I'll just stick with the masturbation, if that's all right with you.

Sorry. Thank you.

Don't sweat it. I took a shot.

Here's a starter kit.

Just get yourself in the mood. Candles, a furry rug.

There you go.

- I'll throw this banana lube in for free. - Thank you.

- Move the van, Wayne. - Hold on a second.

All right. Okay.

Just listen to me for one minute, okay? Just a second.

I've decided to build you a pool at half my regular cost.

Whatever kind of pool you want. Any kind of pool.

Italian marble, Spanish tile, 24-karat gold, I don't give a crap.

Whatever you can dream up, at half price.

Why is this so important to you?

Why is it important? Well, okay, it's important...

...because I built a pool for everybody on your street.

Everybody on the next street, everybody on the street after that...

...I built a pool for everybody except you.

So, what, are you trying to make Cleveland look like California?

Cleveland like California, that's pretty good.

- Are you in advertising? - Yeah, something like that.

Good, because then maybe you can relate to my problem. All right.

See, for my next commercial...

...I wanna do a helicopter shot of your entire neighborhood...

...pool after pool after pool, each of them mine.

But because of a certain big patch of grass...

...in a certain somebody's backyard...

...I'm stuck with the same commercial I've been running for the past 20 years.

You can't take that commercial off. It's been on since I was a kid.

Well, that... But that's the point.

It's not an accurate representation of the current me.

Well, to be honest with you, Wayne, I'm just not that big on water.

And besides, I've had my heart set on a gazebo.

A gazebo? What are you, crazy?

You're not a gazebo girl.

- Yes, I am. - No. No...

- Bye-bye. - You're not a gazebo girl.

Takes a big man to come clean with a story like that, man.

My heart goes out to you.

Well, it felt good to tell you, in a way.

You know...

...you can cry if you want to.

I'm not much of a crier.

- Oh, man, crying's not pussy. - I know that.

Moving into the garage is pussy. Crying is evolved.

Hey, baby.

Hi.

Sure do appreciate that.

Now, you see, I would never leave my wife.

I'd do anything in the world for that woman.

- I'd do anything for Priscilla. - Oh, not true.

All right, well, except have her replace my dick with a piece of plastic.

A vibrator's not a dick replacement, you fucking Neanderthal.

It's a dick teammate.

- What do you know about vibrators? - I know a lot about them.

- How? - Because I use one.

- Oh, gross. - Oh, come on, man.

Me and wifey, we incorporate a lot of technology in our marital relations.

And I ain't ashamed to say it.

Matter of fact, it's a beautiful thing when you use it together.

- You use one together? - Oh, yeah.

You don't think I let her use it alone?

So I guess Priscilla and I could... Hadn't really thought about that.

And, you know, in a way, it would be like...

You know, we're doing it together. I'm there... I'd be there.

- You would be there. - Maybe you're right.

Only...

...always use it together.

Because a vibrator's a very powerful thing, man.

Very powerful.

- All right. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm uncomfortable now.

How am I gonna do this?

Masturbation.

Oh, it's cold.

Priscilla?

- Priscilla! - Jack!

- Are you okay? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

I did at first... I did a few... Oh, God, I'm coming!

I'm coming!

That thing was off the scale. It was at least a pH17.

That's scientifically impossible. If you're such a science guy...

Hey, Kristen, can I give you a ride?

Oh, no, that's cool. My dad's here.

You were right.

I'm gonna fix you. Promise.

- Binky Taylor. - Hey, Dad.

Yeah. All right, so I'm sleeping at Rachel's house tonight, okay?

I'll do it in the morning.

- Take care now. - All right. Good night.

One second.

- Hey, Kristen. - Hey, Rachel?

- Hey. - I'm at your house and fast asleep, okay?

- You slut. See you. - All right. Thanks.

All set.

Are you 18?

You're thinking of the age of consent, which is 16.

- Really? - Yep.

Down it.

How come you never dress like that in school?

Because it's school.

How come you dress like that for work?

Because it's science.

You like that?

- Yeah. - Good.

Now lie down. We're gonna figure out how you lost your way.

Jack?

Yeah?

Fuck the shit out of me.

When can I see you again?

- Two weeks. - Two weeks? How come?

It's spring break, Jack. I'm going to the Gal�pagos Islands.

The Gal�pagos Islands?

Who picks up and goes to the Gal�pagos Islands?

See, Jack? You can't even imagine life outside of your prison.

Escape.

By the way, you have a magnificent penis.

There's no lifeguard on duty here, you know.

I don't need a lifeguard. I'm an animal.

Barely Homo sapien.

Yeah? Well, I've got a mistress.

Liar.

Who?

She has young, pillowy breasts, and I give her giant orgasms.

Young, pillowy breasts?

- You're screwing a student? - Hey.

- You screwing a student? - She's 18.

That doesn't matter. If word gets out, you'll be ruined.

- Do you know I have a magnificent penis? - Oh, shut up!

- No, no. I have a magnificent penis. - Just...

- Just shut up! - It's true. It's true.

- I'm not listening to you. - What? You're here to hear, coach.

Well, hear this:

My cock's jamming.

It's jamming.

There you go.

That's it. Let's go.

God, please make it stop.

On the lighter side, the Cleveland Philharmonic announced today...

... that they're turning the Browns' fight song into a full-fledged symphony.

Imagine yourself in a luxury penthouse, only minutes from downtown Cleveland.

The Manly Arms apartments feature hardwood floors...

... a state-of-the-art gym and huge bedrooms.

Why settle for the mundane when you can be king of your domain?

The Manly Arms.

Just can't do it anymore, baby.

It's not the way I roll.

I'm always moving. I'm a runner.

And we're rolling.

Norwegian project, sports segment, Jacobs Field.

Cue the music.

I am standing in Jacobs Field, home of the Cleveland Indians...

...and the crown jewel in the renaissance of Cleveland's urban landscape.

It is the perfect setting to entertain clients.

If Frikaschis... Frikas... Frik...

If Frikasa...

If Frikascha...

If Frikaschasa... If Frikasch... Shit.

Keep rolling. We got plenty of tape.

If Frikascis...

Fuck! Just give me a minute.

- They made this ditz a VP? - You okay?

I'm just having trouble with these consonants.

All right, well, maybe if you heard it. It's Frikasch...

Wait.

- It's Frika... - Yeah, you say it.

It's Frika... Fuck. What's wrong with you?

I'm not frigid anymore.

Jack left me, for real.

What...? What do you mean, he left?

He took a bunch of pots and his graphic equalizer.

I think he's gonna take all the crap.

Hamburger

Cheeseburger

Day...

Holy shit, you look amazing.

- How was the Gal�pagos? - No, I mean it.

I'm impressed. Such progress in two weeks.

And this place looks amazing.

It has none of the desperation you normally associate...

...with a man whose marriage has just fallen apart.

Did I do this?

- Do what? - This apartment.

You.

I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...

... and I've been installing swimming pools in the Greater Cleveland area since 1976.

Our service is classy, and the pools are definitely splashy.

Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.

Now, why would you wanna change that?

That water is fine.

Yes, the water is fine.

So how do you make me feel so good down there?

Okay.

Where does the female orgasm occur?

- The clitoris. - No.

You and the rest of the world are wrong.

The female orgasm actually occurs in the pubococcygeus muscle.

- No way. - Yeah. Way.

P-U-B-O-C-O-C-C-Y-G-E-U-S?

I don't know. Yeah, something like that.

Where is it?

I wish I had a blackboard. I would...

It's the muscle that surrounds the entire vagina.

I thought there were no nerve endings in the vagina.

There aren't, but the pubococcygeus has millions of nerve endings...

...and they're just outside the vaginal walls.

- So it's easily stimulated. - Exactly.

That is so cool.

Yeah. Now, I'm not saying that clitoral stimulation can't produce an orgasm.

Absolutely, it can.

But until you've had an involuntary contraction of the pubococcygeus...

...then you've never really had an orgasm.

- You swear this is true? - Yes, absolutely true.

- Do you know what this means? - No, what does it mean?

It means an end to the tyranny of the clitoral orgasm.

You have to teach this in class tomorrow.

Okay, if it means that much to you.

Charles Darwin went to the Gal�pagos in what year?

- 1835. - That's right, 1835.

And he went on a boat called?

- Miss Overmyer. - The HMS Beagle, like Snoopy.

That's right, the HMS Beagle.

Not to be confused with the HMS Bagel.

That's a much lesser-known boat that sunk because it had a hole in it. Yeah.

All right, now get out of my classroom, you jerks.

- You made a promise and you broke it. - What?

You know what.

I'm sorry, I didn't think the pubococcygeus was a suitable topic for...

Kids?

- I don't... Why is this a big deal? - Because it is.

All right, I'll never mention it again.

You know what? I don't think there's any such thing as the pubococcygeus.

I think you made it up to be fascinating to your teenage girlfriend.

How could I make up "pubococcygeus"?

I want documented scientific proof.

And no "Playboy Advisor" bullshit.

All right.

I heard about panties with a miniature vibrator built right into them.

- Do you carry those? - Yeah.

Oh, good. I want seven pairs, one for each day of the week.

And do they come in different colors, for organizational purposes?

- Can I ask you a question? - Shoot.

Roughly speaking, how many times have you come in the past few weeks?

One-hundred and eighty-nine times, exactly speaking.

That's 13 and a half per day.

I've seen this before. I know how this is gonna sound...

...but I'm not making it up. I think that you're addicted to your vibrator.

- What? - You're clinically addicted to your vibrator...

...or pretty close. - I can't believe you're saying this.

It happens to a lot of women with a long history of sexual dysfunction.

One taste and they're gone.

- But I've never felt so good in my life. - I bet.

They meet Mondays and Wednesdays at St. Mary's on 33rd Street.

In a church?

Oh, I thought I turned this thing off.

Wonder if this'll work.

You have reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.

To page me, pr...

Yes, it really works.

Fuck.

You've been distracted lately.

Well, I'm not now.

I hope not.

- Sherri? - Yeah?

Frikaskjasalde.

Come on.

Unbelievable.

Real cool, Priscilla.

You have reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.

To page me, press five.

To leave a message, simply do so after the beep.

Have a nice day.

Nice.

God.

Hey, hon. Yeah, it's me.

Look, I'm gonna have to break into the house...

...because you changed the fucking locks.

So, I don't know, I might just burn it down.

Okay, hugs.

Here she is.

- Fridtjof Knudsen, this is Priscilla. - Sure. Sir, yes.

- It's so great to finally meet you. - The pleasure is entirely mine.

Good. So now we get down to business.

Persuade us to move from one frigid city to another one.

If Frikaskjasalde should decide to relocate to Cleveland...

...Trasker will provide the expertise necessary...

...to cut your current costs by one-third.

What about infrastructure grants?

You've reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.

State and local government...

...would go so far as to build you new roads.

Trasker will provide the...

I'm gonna tell that bitch I have a magnificent penis.

You have reached the voice mail of Priscilla Chase.

Calling till you call me back.

And...

- Pipes. - What's wrong?

She doesn't look well. Are you well?

I'm fine.

Oh, God. I'm fine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

And, of course, the roads and...

The land.

The land. Yeah.

Yeah. God.

Priscilla, what's wrong?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

She's been under a hell of a lot of stress lately.

Don't talk to me about stress.

Oh, no, it's not stress. It's just...

Some bad Chinese food.

Sizzling garlic beef.

Anyway...

...let's get started.

- Douglas... - They signed.

Oh, good. I'm so sorry.

I don't know what happened.

It wasn't sizzling garlic beef.

I don't know what it was. But it won't happen again, I swear.

Well, just remember, you can only get away with this kind of bullshit once.

You can only get away with that kind of bullshit once.

Jack.

Jack.

Jack.

He finally did it.

Finally fucking did it.

Breaking and entering.

- We are so cool. - Oh, I know.

- Wow, eerie. - Totally.

I feel like I could tell you anything.

You can tell me anything.

That's what's great about us.

You know this means we're a couple now.

Awesome.

Okay, new rules.

One, keep your options open till the last second.

Two, get his number. But that's flexible if he's a fox.

Three, look at your left hand.

What about it?

Check the ring finger. You know, the one with the wedding ring on it?

- It comes off. - All the way.

Feel lighter?

- A little. - Good.

Tonight I'm your designated dancer.

I will protect you, I will advise you...

...and I will never leave your side.

Did you have your orgasm?

So, baby, how many times?

- You okay with that or? - Were my techniques sufficient enough...

...to provide you with the orgasm you were seeking?

Orgasm? Of course I fucking did.

I don't know what happened.

I try too hard. I just freeze up.

Look, I know it's not the girl thing. You were close like five times.

- You were this close. - Six.

- Really? - It's a joke.

You know I pride myself on my orgasm-inducing abilities?

I've practiced. I dedicated myself.

I can make an ice sculpture of Kathie Lee Gifford come.

I don't know how your husband plugged away as long as he did.

Exhausted.

No way. Impossible.

I don't believe it.

You're lying. You have to be lying...

...because there's no way you would ever do that, right?

Right?

- Which part? - That last part.

That last part just happened.

So you just kind of slipped and fell into her vagina.

- Sherri. - Did you think she was a man or something?

No. She's a fox.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I just said that.

So you actively and knowingly pursued your lesbian moment?

Think you'll do it again?

I'm sorry...

...but I feel like I really need to speak my mind on this one.

Not now, Sherri.

You are...

...awesome. - What?

You are fucking awesome.

I mean, a month ago, you were this uptight, frigid, married chick.

And then, from clear out of the blue...

...you dumped your loser husband because he wasn't plowing the fields.

You're not listening. That's not how it happened.

And then you practically invent a whole new category of addiction.

They should name a warning sticker after you.

And then you go on to bag all of these hot guys...

...one after the other after the other...

...after the other. - Sherri.

And then, when most of us would be taking a breather...

...you run off and join the lesbian circus.

- Sherri. - No, it's so incredibly rich.

Priscilla, you are a goddess.

You are a raging slut goddess.

Sherri.

You didn't listen to a word I said, did you?

You know all those guys I slept with?

I wasn't even there when it happened.

I just disappeared into this ball of fear.

I just shut down.

None of them wanna see me again.

And you know Justine, my girlfriend?

She says that I'm an ice queen.

An unmeltable ice queen.

Just once in my life, just for one minute...

...I would like to let go...

...just to feel different...

...if only for a minute.

Hello, Priscilla. You were supposed to have those numbers on my desk by 5.

- Oh, Christ. - It's now 6:30...

... and I'm still waiting here at my desk.

I want them first thing in the morning. Good night, Priscilla.

Hey, Priscilla, it's me, Wayne the Pool Guy.

- Hi. How you doing? Good. - Hi. Good.

I would like a piece of your chocolate cake and a glass of red wine.

- Okay. Okay. - Oh, and some milk as well. Thank you.

I finally caught you.

You're not gonna believe this. I think I'm finally ready for that pool.

- Would you like to sit down and join me? - You're kidding me.

- Dinner's on me. Scotch, rocks. - Okay.

So, Priscilla...

...why do you want a pool? - Now you wanna talk me out of it?

No, no, it's just that, you know, even at half price, it's:

I'm paying full price.

Even at my special summer-discount rate...

...it's gonna put a deep dent in your pocketbook.

So I want you to be sure. If you don't want a pool, don't get a pool.

- But what about your commercial? - We already shot it.

Yeah. They put a pool in your backyard with a computer.

Looks real. It's gonna premiere next week.

What about the old one?

Well... Yeah, well, I think it aired for the last time about an hour ago.

I missed it.

- I'll send you a tape. - Thanks, but it won't be the same.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, salud.

There are three reasons why people get a pool.

One, to keep up with the Joneses.

Two, if you can believe this...

...to get people to come to their house.

And the third reason...

...I want you to tell me.

Come on, come on.

- Swimming? - Bingo.

That's it. Swimming.

Nobody ever gets that. It's the most obvious.

And it's the most meaningful.

What do you mean by that?

Well, all right, forget I'm a salesman for a second.

Just a second. All right.

Emotionally and spiritually speaking...

...swimming is the best thing you can do for yourself.

You wanna know why?

Metamorphosis.

Even in Cleveland, Ohio...

...you have a chance at rebirth every time you dive in the water.

But what if you wanna stay who you are?

What kind of question is that?

Everybody wants to change.

- Oh, really? - Of course.

- Don't they? - I'm just giving you a hard time.

You see that? You try to be sincere...

...and all you get is grief. - I was kidding.

I was kidding. I'm very pro-metamorphosis.

Sucker.

No, you meant every word.

- Here you go. - Good.

There you are.

Nice combo.

Anyway...

...to be honest, I think I should try someone else's pool first.

I have a pool.

Is that an invitation?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's an invitation, yeah.

When?

Watch your step here. Yes.

- All this for building pools. - Yeah.

Yeah. You ready?

Check it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I built it for my wife.

She died 16 years ago.

She must have loved it.

She had her moods. She would be crying at the top...

...and laughing by the time she hit the pool. Yeah. Yeah.

- So you like it? Really? - Oh, yeah. I think it's a...

- I think it's amazing. - You wanna try it?

- Now? - Yeah.

- Will you come with me? - No.

- No? - No.

No. No, I don't ever. I never do. Never do.

Wayne, when was the last time you went swimming in this pool?

It's been a while.

So all that talk about metamorphosis and renewal...

...it was just talk?

I have suits inside.

- Okay. - Let's go.

Come on. I think I have one that fits you.

It's my favorite. I wear it... When I'm all alone, I wear it.

No, I'm only kidding.

It's wood. Nice. Sturdy. It's like a tree house.

How high is it?

The slide is 300 feet, so...

And then this is, you know...

- You go first and I'll spot you. - Okay.

Wow, this...

Yeah, I forgot all about this.

Wow, the Terminal Tower. That's where I work.

What do you actually do in advertising?

I bring business to Cleveland.

- That's a cool job. - Yeah, it is.

I like it.

- I'm really glad I came. - Me too.

We can't stay up here all night.

Anyway, let me get...

All right.

- Okay? - Okay.

All right, so you go on it.

Okay, get down...

...and then, let's see...

I'm gonna get over here like this. Yeah.

Ready? Put your legs around me.

Okay, all right.

And hold on to my waist, right?

Okay, yeah.

- You can hold on. I won't break. - Okay.

Okay.

- Ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.

One, two...

...three!

I'm sorry.

No. More.

Don't worry, I'm gonna be okay.

What's so funny?

Well, you're not gonna believe this...

...but you're the first man who's ever...

...you know, made me come.

You mean, you?

Not until Wayne.

Wayne the Pool Guy.

Yeah, that is funny.

Hysterical.

Well, you just took 15 years off my life.

Now, come here.

Oh, Wayne.

Oh, Wayne. Wayne.

What a name.

You should keep your slide on all the time.

How come?

Because then I'd come over.

Get your own pool.

- Good morning. - Priscilla.

No sizzling garlic beef this weekend, I see.

I guess you already know.

Know what?

We're taking a group of Chinese brewers on a tour this morning.

- Can you handle it? - I don't think so.

Guess what they wanna see.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

You wish.

They wanna see the crown jewel of Cleveland's public school system:

Carmen High.

Jack's back.

Morning.

You motherfuckers ready to learn?

Because I'm gonna teach the shit out of you.

- Yeah! - All right.

You guys are gonna be cool, right? You're not gonna tell the principal I swore?

Miss Taylor's not here, I see. All right.

We had very high SAT scores last year...

Come on. I know there's something you wanna tell me.

No, there isn't.

You have a big, juicy secret.

I can smell it.

- Me and Wayne the Pool Guy. - Liar.

And another archaebacteria that can survive in inhospitable environments...

...is the halobacteria...

...which is unique...

...because of its pigment. - They're educating.

And who could tell me what that is?

It's the color?

Holy shit. Look at him.

That's right, but maybe one of our esteemed guests here would know.

- The color is orange? - That's right.

Goes the little bear.

One chop, two chop, tickle under...

That felt so good.

Yeah, that's what I always try to tell myself.

Feel good. Don't feel bad, feel good.

Pizza and a six-pack.

Oh, it's so late though.

So?

Okay. I'll have a plain.

Cool. Plain?

No, I'll have sausage and onions.

Very brave.

You worried that I'm falling in love with you?

If I were, I wouldn't be here.

- Bertino's Pizzeria. - Gonna be open late?

- Yeah, we're open late. - I'll be there in two hours.

Hey, Jack.

Hey. I bet you can't catch me.

- Hey. - Excuse me. Sorry.

Hey, I know you. Wait.

You're Jack Chase. You're my daughter's teacher.

I'm Binky Taylor, Kristen Taylor's father.

Kristen Tay... Oh, Kristen.

Yeah. Oh, she's very bright.

The Taylor family...

...will be eternally grateful to you.

It was your class that got Kristen off the cannabis...

...and onto the right track.

Here she is.

Hi, Dad. Hello, Mr. Chase.

Kristen.

Shouldn't you be doing your homework?

I don't know about that. Kristen's going to Harvard.

Harvard, the school?

She hasn't taken that Harvard T-shirt off for three weeks since she got the news.

Congratulations, Kristen.

It takes a very special person to get into Harvard.

No, Mr. Chase. Congratulations to you.

If this country had more teachers like you...

...dedicated, decent men, our kids would be in a lot better shape.

You, sir, are an everyday hero.

- Thank you. - No. Thank you.

Say thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Chase.

You're a great teacher.

Alrighty. Well, take care.

Okay, now.

Hey, it's me.

It was great seeing you the other day.

I was thinking that maybe we could hook up sometime and grab some dinner.

Nothing serious or anything. Just, you know, to catch up.

Whenever you want. Just let me know.

That suit is ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.

Damn, he looks good.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm starving.

So, what have you been up to?

Oh, I don't know.

Not much.

No?

You can tell me, you know. It's me.

Well...

...I've been broadening my horizons...

...taking some seminars...

...and discovering parts of Cleveland I never knew existed.

Neat.

Well, here's to you.

The hell is that?

Shit.

I'm involved in a love triangle with a younger, fitter rival.

This is bullshit.

What about you? What have you been doing?

What have I been doing?

Probably sounds pretentious...

...but I've been trying to make myself a better man.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah.

I've been really focused on teaching...

...and, I don't know, I'm thinking about maybe going back to school.

I'm so proud of you. That's wonderful.

Here's to you.

Thank you.

- It's great to see you. - You too.

Oh, and also, every morning...

...I've been getting up and exercising.

A lot of jogging and that kind of thing.

I've lost six pounds already.

You look like you lost more.

I haven't weighed myself today, so...

Thank you.

It must be driving you crazy wondering why I brought you here, huh?

I've been thinking that maybe...

Are you listening to me? Because this is important.

- I mean, this... - Yeah, I'm listening.

This is...

What's so funny?

Nothing.

I've been thinking that maybe...

...we should get back together.

Oh, Jack.

Well, here's to you.

- Good to see you. - You too.

A gazebo? What are you, crazy?

You're not a gazebo girl.

A touch of the bubbly.

I wanna go again.

Here, hold on just a second.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Listen, I was thinking.

Even though there's this big age difference between us...

How old are you, anyway?

Old.

Somehow, while I was worried about drains and chlorine...

...I turned into the old guy, but...

Here. The thing is, I don't have anybody to leave my business to.

I mean, when I kick, when the ticker goes, that's it.

I can find you a buyer within a week, Wayne.

- A reputable buyer. - Yeah, well...

But I was thinking that, even with all our differences...

...we make a good team. - Yeah.

You like to stay up late.

Nope. Early bird.

Okay.

All right, maybe it's not the sleep thing.

Well, there's the sex.

The sex. Yes, the sex. Jesus Christ.

Really wonderful.

And you gotta know...

...I haven't been in this pool since my wife died.

Anyway, considering all these ingredients...

...and that you've got a great head for business...

...and the fact that I might be falling in love with you...

...I was wondering... - Are you gonna ask me to marry you?

Actually...

...I was gonna ask you if you would be my girlfriend.

- I'll think about it. - Okay.