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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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00:02:08,426 --> 00:02:12,197
- Three hours for a person to do her hair.
- So what?
3
00:02:12,221 --> 00:02:13,615
We have got to work
on this lateness thing.
4
00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:15,269
I was not that late.
5
00:02:15,307 --> 00:02:16,576
We were supposed to be here at 12:00.
6
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- It's 12:30.
- Now you're getting it.
7
00:02:18,602 --> 00:02:20,602
- I'm not on first.
- That's not the point.
8
00:02:20,646 --> 00:02:22,516
If they call my name and I'm there,
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- then I am not late.
- Yeah, that's not how lateness works.
10
00:02:24,817 --> 00:02:27,187
- There's a clock involved.
- Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
11
00:02:27,236 --> 00:02:28,776
Hey, don't go all Gershwin on me.
12
00:02:28,821 --> 00:02:30,281
This is the big leagues, kid.
13
00:02:30,322 --> 00:02:31,702
Got to start acting like professionals.
14
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- So then where's your blazer?
- What?
15
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:35,658
Your fancy new blazer.
16
00:02:35,703 --> 00:02:37,413
You're scared to wear it.
17
00:02:37,455 --> 00:02:39,057
How could I be scared
of a fucking blazer?
18
00:02:39,081 --> 00:02:40,711
Are you?
19
00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:43,840
- It's dry clean only.
- This is the big leagues, kid.
20
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- 12:30 is fucking late.
- Still tapping.
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Present and accounted for,
22
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- except Mrs. Maisel.
- What's a Mrs. Maisel?
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00:02:49,717 --> 00:02:51,387
A singer, I assume, sir.
24
00:02:51,427 --> 00:02:53,113
- Who are you?
- Mrs. Maisel.
25
00:02:53,137 --> 00:02:54,717
- I just told him.
- He was asking me.
26
00:02:54,764 --> 00:02:56,366
You're late. This is the
Army, you're not supposed
27
00:02:56,390 --> 00:02:58,368
- to be late in the Army.
- I'll remember not to enlist.
28
00:02:58,392 --> 00:02:59,335
- Hey, we are not late.
- What?
29
00:02:59,336 --> 00:03:00,905
- What?
- We were told to be here at 12:30
30
00:03:00,906 --> 00:03:03,623
and we're here at 12:30 on the
dot, Miriam Maisel is never late.
31
00:03:03,647 --> 00:03:06,067
- Aw, you lied for me.
- Fuck you.
32
00:03:06,108 --> 00:03:07,711
- There she is.
- Sergeant Mitchell Burns.
33
00:03:07,735 --> 00:03:10,065
Master of Ceremonies is
Major Buck Brillstein.
34
00:03:10,112 --> 00:03:12,007
For the purposes of this
show, you will call him Buck.
35
00:03:12,031 --> 00:03:13,661
- Very reasonable.
- He'll say your name.
36
00:03:13,699 --> 00:03:15,510
Wave, smile and exit the
other side of the stage.
37
00:03:15,534 --> 00:03:17,454
Can I smile, wave
instead of wave, smile?
38
00:03:17,495 --> 00:03:18,889
- You cannot.
- So serious, Mitchell.
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00:03:18,913 --> 00:03:20,373
Where'd your little boy go?
40
00:03:20,414 --> 00:03:22,254
- You mean Tom?
- I... No.
41
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- No, who's Tom?
- My little boy.
42
00:03:24,126 --> 00:03:25,916
Abort, abort, abort.
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00:03:25,961 --> 00:03:27,921
Right, so I exit the stage.
44
00:03:27,963 --> 00:03:29,423
Wait, I do? This isn't my set?
45
00:03:29,465 --> 00:03:31,215
No. Just your intro. When you do go on,
46
00:03:31,258 --> 00:03:32,758
you do 20 minutes, applause, bow,
47
00:03:32,802 --> 00:03:34,762
you introduce Shy Baldwin,
you leave the stage,
48
00:03:34,804 --> 00:03:36,434
but stay close. At the end of the show,
49
00:03:36,472 --> 00:03:37,991
everyone comes on for a
chorus of "White Christmas"
50
00:03:38,015 --> 00:03:39,805
and pictures with the troops. Yes?
51
00:03:39,850 --> 00:03:41,690
W... what if I don't
know "White Christmas?"
52
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Who doesn't know "White Christmas?"
53
00:03:42,978 --> 00:03:45,308
Well, me. I'm Jewish.
54
00:03:45,356 --> 00:03:46,936
I mean, we don't...
55
00:03:46,982 --> 00:03:49,532
We celeb... Oh, "White Christmas." Yes.
56
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- Yes, I know "White Christmas."
- Take her.
57
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Hum a few bars?
58
00:03:53,864 --> 00:03:55,454
Quite the grip you've got there.
59
00:03:55,491 --> 00:03:57,661
I'm not gonna make a run for
it, I am here voluntarily.
60
00:03:57,701 --> 00:03:59,201
- Take her.
- Bye.
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00:03:59,245 --> 00:04:01,745
Oh, I see this grip
comes standard issue.
62
00:04:01,789 --> 00:04:05,669
Miss America 1959, Mary Ann Mobley.
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00:04:05,709 --> 00:04:07,169
You don't happen to know the words
64
00:04:07,211 --> 00:04:08,591
to "White Christmas," do you?
65
00:04:08,629 --> 00:04:12,046
Everyone's favorite
housewife, Mrs. Maisel.
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00:04:12,091 --> 00:04:14,891
- Go.
- Hiya, boys!
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00:04:16,887 --> 00:04:18,807
World hula hoop champion...
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00:04:18,848 --> 00:04:20,388
- Come.
- Oh, my...
69
00:04:20,432 --> 00:04:21,892
My third soldier today.
70
00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:24,774
This is how rumors get started.
71
00:04:24,812 --> 00:04:27,112
Is this what they mean by "flyboys"?
72
00:04:27,147 --> 00:04:28,647
- Hey.
- Oy.
73
00:04:28,691 --> 00:04:30,481
Sorry. I'm trying to...
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00:04:30,526 --> 00:04:32,186
What am I, your porter? Here.
75
00:04:32,236 --> 00:04:33,713
I'm trying to find out some info here,
76
00:04:33,737 --> 00:04:35,215
but unless you have
boots and a buzz cut,
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00:04:35,239 --> 00:04:37,029
- nobody will look at you.
- Maisel.
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00:04:37,074 --> 00:04:39,135
- Why didn't you answer?
- I was waiting for you to answer.
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00:04:39,159 --> 00:04:40,789
You go on at 1:30.
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00:04:40,828 --> 00:04:43,288
- You mean 1330.
- 1:30 is fine.
81
00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:44,808
- I'm doing army time.
- Good for you.
82
00:04:44,832 --> 00:04:46,601
Be ready at one in case
we're ahead of schedule.
83
00:04:46,625 --> 00:04:48,705
Think you mean 1300 hours, right?
84
00:04:48,752 --> 00:04:51,342
- Where can I get ready?
- Just tell me I'm right.
85
00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:52,774
Private Fielding, look alive.
86
00:04:52,798 --> 00:04:54,548
Hey, I spent a week learning this shit.
87
00:04:54,592 --> 00:04:56,432
- Take her to the green room.
- It's the Army.
88
00:04:56,468 --> 00:04:58,218
Isn't every room a green room?
89
00:04:58,262 --> 00:04:59,932
- You've got to give up.
- Never.
90
00:05:03,726 --> 00:05:05,726
Ooh.
91
00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:25,974
How the fuck do I have these again?
92
00:05:25,998 --> 00:05:27,708
I need to change.
93
00:05:27,750 --> 00:05:29,420
Oh, wait, sorry.
94
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:30,790
- This is ours.
- But they told me
95
00:05:30,836 --> 00:05:32,246
to grab any open space.
96
00:05:32,296 --> 00:05:33,773
Oh, no, you have to
sign up. Did you sign up?
97
00:05:33,797 --> 00:05:35,797
No one told me to sign up.
98
00:05:35,841 --> 00:05:37,091
Oh, you're so pretty.
99
00:05:37,134 --> 00:05:38,644
Thank you.
100
00:05:38,677 --> 00:05:40,637
And... managed.
101
00:05:40,679 --> 00:05:42,849
- You just standing there?
- Sorry.
102
00:05:42,890 --> 00:05:44,980
So, rule number one
for this performance?
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00:05:45,017 --> 00:05:46,267
Don't say "fuck."
104
00:05:46,310 --> 00:05:47,537
Rule number two for this performance?
105
00:05:47,561 --> 00:05:48,941
Do not say "fuck."
106
00:05:48,979 --> 00:05:50,769
- Dress.
- And no dick jokes.
107
00:05:50,814 --> 00:05:52,654
Army guys are sensitive
about dick jokes.
108
00:05:52,691 --> 00:05:53,919
That's why they're in the Army.
109
00:05:53,943 --> 00:05:55,743
How about big dick jokes? Catch.
110
00:05:55,778 --> 00:05:58,488
What do you mean, big dick jokes?
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00:05:58,530 --> 00:06:00,780
You know, what do leprechauns
and guys with big dicks
112
00:06:00,824 --> 00:06:03,294
have in common? They're hard
to find and incredibly lucky.
113
00:06:03,327 --> 00:06:06,747
Or, his dick was so big, the
mohel had to bring a machete.
114
00:06:06,789 --> 00:06:09,119
Or, his dick was bigger than Disneyland,
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00:06:09,166 --> 00:06:10,496
better rides, too.
116
00:06:10,542 --> 00:06:12,132
Or, his dick was so big,
117
00:06:12,169 --> 00:06:14,249
it wasn't a dick at
all. It was a Richard.
118
00:06:14,296 --> 00:06:18,216
Oh, oh! His dick was so big,
even when he cheated on me,
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00:06:18,258 --> 00:06:19,838
his dick was the bigger dick.
120
00:06:21,345 --> 00:06:23,175
- So no dick jokes.
- Yeah, keep it clean.
121
00:06:23,222 --> 00:06:24,407
You all good? I'm gonna to make a call.
122
00:06:24,431 --> 00:06:26,231
I'm good, go.
123
00:06:26,266 --> 00:06:29,266
* Praise the Lord and
pass the ammunition *
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00:06:29,311 --> 00:06:30,901
* Praise the Lord *
125
00:06:30,938 --> 00:06:32,648
* And pass the ammunition *
126
00:06:32,690 --> 00:06:35,650
* Praise the Lord and
pass the ammunition *
127
00:06:35,693 --> 00:06:38,533
* And we'll all stay free *
128
00:06:38,570 --> 00:06:41,660
* Praise the Lord and
swing into position *
129
00:06:41,699 --> 00:06:43,079
* Can't... *
130
00:06:44,743 --> 00:06:46,703
Fred, phone. You got to order something.
131
00:06:46,745 --> 00:06:47,955
We got Sanka.
132
00:06:47,997 --> 00:06:49,787
- He got Sanka.
- Susie?
133
00:06:49,832 --> 00:06:51,422
- You got 'em?
- Yes, we got 'em
134
00:06:51,458 --> 00:06:53,061
but we still don't
understand the point here.
135
00:06:53,085 --> 00:06:54,955
The point, Fred, is I got to negotiate
136
00:06:55,004 --> 00:06:56,424
this touring contract for Midge.
137
00:06:56,463 --> 00:06:57,857
And other than saying
I'd like for her to go,
138
00:06:57,881 --> 00:06:59,681
I don't know what the hell to ask for.
139
00:06:59,717 --> 00:07:01,277
And I don't want them to think
they're dealing with a nobody.
140
00:07:01,301 --> 00:07:02,801
So, just give me some comps.
141
00:07:02,845 --> 00:07:04,635
Tell me what other comics at her level
142
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,408
made when they opened for
someone like Shy Baldwin.
143
00:07:06,432 --> 00:07:08,201
Okay, but this is a big favor
we're doing for you here.
144
00:07:08,225 --> 00:07:10,345
I had to sneak these contracts
out in my bowling bag.
145
00:07:10,394 --> 00:07:11,984
Now I don't have my bowling ball.
146
00:07:12,021 --> 00:07:13,832
Don't worry. Someday,
I'm gonna be in a position
147
00:07:13,856 --> 00:07:15,066
to help you with something.
148
00:07:15,107 --> 00:07:16,437
I will.
149
00:07:16,483 --> 00:07:17,863
You don't think I will?
150
00:07:17,901 --> 00:07:19,701
I don't know. You're so volatile.
151
00:07:19,737 --> 00:07:21,067
Just read me some numbers
152
00:07:21,113 --> 00:07:23,033
before I use your
nutsack as a speed bag.
153
00:07:23,073 --> 00:07:25,833
Okay, Georgie Jessel made $10,000 a week
154
00:07:25,868 --> 00:07:27,538
the last time he played the Blue Angel.
155
00:07:27,578 --> 00:07:29,458
Too big. I need opening act numbers.
156
00:07:29,496 --> 00:07:31,496
Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week.
157
00:07:31,540 --> 00:07:34,330
- As an opening act?
- No, for The Phil Silvers Show.
158
00:07:34,376 --> 00:07:36,376
Uh-huh. Hey, do you
remember the speed bag thing?
159
00:07:36,420 --> 00:07:38,398
George Burns made $10 a week
before he met Gracie Allen.
160
00:07:38,422 --> 00:07:41,262
George Burns made $10 a week in 1921.
161
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:42,970
- What would that be today?
- $10.
162
00:07:43,010 --> 00:07:45,640
- No, I mean in today's dollars.
- $10.
163
00:07:45,679 --> 00:07:47,969
Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred.
164
00:07:48,015 --> 00:07:49,975
Hey, here's something,
Murray Bringle made $300
165
00:07:50,017 --> 00:07:51,387
opening for Lenny Fring.
166
00:07:51,435 --> 00:07:54,475
Murray Bringle made $300
to open for Lenny Fring.
167
00:07:54,521 --> 00:07:56,321
- Who's Murray Bringle?
- I don't know.
168
00:07:56,356 --> 00:07:57,751
- Who's Lenny Fring?
- I don't know.
169
00:07:57,775 --> 00:07:59,395
Tell her if she wants to be
170
00:07:59,443 --> 00:08:01,113
taken seriously, she needs a weird ask.
171
00:08:01,153 --> 00:08:03,323
Yes. You need a weird ask.
172
00:08:03,363 --> 00:08:04,873
What do you mean I need a weird ass?
173
00:08:04,907 --> 00:08:07,367
A weird ask. Something in your contract
174
00:08:07,409 --> 00:08:09,079
that's specifically weird only to you.
175
00:08:09,119 --> 00:08:10,949
Like, uh, all the pillows in your room
176
00:08:10,996 --> 00:08:12,786
have to have a cat design on them.
177
00:08:12,831 --> 00:08:14,421
- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have to.
178
00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:16,102
They'll never take you
seriously if you don't.
179
00:08:16,126 --> 00:08:18,296
Well, how weird does it have to be?
180
00:08:18,337 --> 00:08:20,587
Gleason needs two bottles
of Old Forester Bourbon,
181
00:08:20,631 --> 00:08:22,341
a well-done steak, and a Polaroid
182
00:08:22,382 --> 00:08:24,382
of what the steak looked
like before it was cooked.
183
00:08:24,426 --> 00:08:26,296
George Burns has fresh
flowers, Cuban cigars,
184
00:08:26,345 --> 00:08:28,385
six pairs of socks, and
a bowl of butter pats.
185
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:29,866
Lenny Fring had to have cheesecloth,
186
00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:31,890
a length of rope, and a
copy of Gray's Anatomy.
187
00:08:31,934 --> 00:08:34,484
Wow. Now I really want
to know this Lenny Fring.
188
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,110
Hey, would you mind
blowing my brains out?
189
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,150
* Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum *
190
00:08:42,194 --> 00:08:43,904
* Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum *
191
00:08:43,946 --> 00:08:46,656
* Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum *
192
00:08:46,698 --> 00:08:50,408
* We got a little cozy
at the corner shop *
193
00:08:50,452 --> 00:08:53,872
* We finished every drop,
but then the boy says *
194
00:08:53,914 --> 00:08:55,964
* "One more," gives me a look *
195
00:08:55,999 --> 00:08:59,249
* That makes my stomach
drop, somebody call the cops *
196
00:08:59,294 --> 00:09:02,884
* 'Cause I can see
I'm done for, oh *
197
00:09:02,923 --> 00:09:06,303
* Shake it up and watch
it bubble, he's gonna go *
198
00:09:06,343 --> 00:09:08,723
* And get us both in trouble *
199
00:09:08,762 --> 00:09:11,472
* My baby's sweet from
bottom to the top... *
200
00:09:11,515 --> 00:09:13,635
Quick, I need a pencil.
201
00:09:13,684 --> 00:09:17,354
Oh, uh... What did they say?
202
00:09:17,396 --> 00:09:18,896
Don't talk. I'll forget.
203
00:09:18,939 --> 00:09:20,939
Okay, what did those idiots say?
204
00:09:20,983 --> 00:09:24,323
Uh, Gleason minus George
205
00:09:24,361 --> 00:09:25,951
minus Gracie,
206
00:09:25,988 --> 00:09:29,158
add back a Sahl and divide by Bringle.
207
00:09:29,199 --> 00:09:30,909
- Who's Bringle?
- He opened for Fring.
208
00:09:30,951 --> 00:09:32,331
- Who's Fring?
- Doesn't matter.
209
00:09:32,369 --> 00:09:34,159
Okay, if my calculations are right,
210
00:09:34,204 --> 00:09:36,464
seems like a guy
opening for a Shy Baldwin
211
00:09:36,540 --> 00:09:39,250
would make about $5,500 for six months.
212
00:09:39,293 --> 00:09:42,253
Wow. So we ask for $5,500.
213
00:09:42,296 --> 00:09:45,256
- No. We ask for $4,500.
- Bringle got $5,500.
214
00:09:45,299 --> 00:09:46,693
- Well, Bringle's got a...
- Dick.
215
00:09:46,717 --> 00:09:49,547
- Yeah.
- But that's $4,050 for you, and $450 for me.
216
00:09:49,595 --> 00:09:51,005
- Really? That's a lot.
- I know.
217
00:09:51,054 --> 00:09:52,684
It would take me more than a year
218
00:09:52,723 --> 00:09:54,183
to make that much at B. Altman.
219
00:09:54,224 --> 00:09:56,144
I know. 450 bucks,
220
00:09:56,185 --> 00:09:58,065
plus I'll be subletting
my apartment to Jackie.
221
00:09:58,103 --> 00:10:00,613
This means I'm gonna be making
the most money I made since...
222
00:10:00,647 --> 00:10:02,647
ever. Since ever.
223
00:10:02,691 --> 00:10:04,611
- So we sign.
- Yes.
224
00:10:04,651 --> 00:10:06,379
Oh, and we have to come
up with something weird.
225
00:10:06,403 --> 00:10:08,047
Like, you need baby goats
in your dressing room,
226
00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:10,321
or all your hand towels have
to be from Windsor Castle.
227
00:10:10,365 --> 00:10:12,325
Oh, can we get that? I would love that.
228
00:10:14,244 --> 00:10:16,044
- You're still pretty.
- Mrs. Maisel.
229
00:10:16,079 --> 00:10:18,789
- Sir, yes, sir.
- You're up.
230
00:10:18,832 --> 00:10:21,632
1330 on the dot.
231
00:10:21,668 --> 00:10:23,838
* My baby's sweet from
bottom to the top *
232
00:10:23,879 --> 00:10:26,799
- * So I don't want to stop *
- * Don't want to stop *
233
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,340
* Like a bottle of pop... *
234
00:10:31,762 --> 00:10:33,562
* Ooh *
235
00:10:33,597 --> 00:10:36,387
* He's my bottle of pop. *
236
00:10:46,193 --> 00:10:48,953
Once again, the Silver Belles!
237
00:10:48,987 --> 00:10:53,027
Now I hope that you're ready
to laugh because next up
238
00:10:53,075 --> 00:10:55,445
is a very funny lady.
239
00:10:55,494 --> 00:10:58,124
She's gonna be opening up for
Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour
240
00:10:58,163 --> 00:11:02,673
that kicks off next month, and
you get a preview right now.
241
00:11:02,709 --> 00:11:05,879
Emphasis on the view, it is a good one.
242
00:11:08,465 --> 00:11:13,005
So give a nice Army
welcome for Mrs. Maisel!
243
00:11:13,053 --> 00:11:16,063
- Tits up.
- Tits up.
244
00:11:19,768 --> 00:11:21,398
Hi!
245
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,610
Hi! Hi!
246
00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:29,235
Hello!
247
00:11:29,236 --> 00:11:30,736
Wow, wow, wow!
248
00:11:30,779 --> 00:11:34,119
My goodness, that is a lot of khaki.
249
00:11:34,199 --> 00:11:36,329
And I just realized
250
00:11:36,368 --> 00:11:39,078
it is actually a very flattering
color for most skin tones.
251
00:11:39,079 --> 00:11:40,579
I know you're relieved.
252
00:11:40,622 --> 00:11:42,252
I just want you to know
253
00:11:42,332 --> 00:11:44,422
how much I admire you guys.
254
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:46,751
I could never be brave enough
255
00:11:46,753 --> 00:11:48,763
to wear the same outfit every day.
256
00:11:50,966 --> 00:11:53,086
My brother toyed with joining the Army.
257
00:11:53,135 --> 00:11:55,545
He loved the idea of
serving his country,
258
00:11:55,595 --> 00:11:57,925
but then he snapped a
rubber band in his eye
259
00:11:57,973 --> 00:12:00,063
and that was the end of that.
260
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:03,940
You guys have a lot of rules
here, which I totally get.
261
00:12:03,979 --> 00:12:05,399
You need rules.
262
00:12:05,439 --> 00:12:08,479
Women learn rules
from women's magazines.
263
00:12:08,525 --> 00:12:10,145
I can't make a move without consulting
264
00:12:10,193 --> 00:12:11,823
Family Circle or Harper's Bazaar.
265
00:12:11,862 --> 00:12:16,742
Otherwise, I'd have no idea what
shade of red drives a man crazy.
266
00:12:16,783 --> 00:12:20,368
Little hint: it's the one with the
least amount of fabric involved.
267
00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,433
You guys don't have
magazines like that, do you?
268
00:12:36,887 --> 00:12:39,847
You could really use
an Army Men's Monthly
269
00:12:39,890 --> 00:12:43,890
or Gunboat Daily. You know,
you could read helpful articles
270
00:12:43,935 --> 00:12:46,685
like, uh, "Fashion for Foxholes,"
271
00:12:46,772 --> 00:12:49,362
"Give Your Pistol Some Pizzazz,"
272
00:12:49,399 --> 00:12:52,109
"How to Get Your Commanding
Officer to Notice You."
273
00:12:52,152 --> 00:12:53,702
Oh, oh, oh, here's one,
274
00:12:53,779 --> 00:12:57,159
"Camouflage: How to Stand
Out While Blending In."
275
00:12:58,408 --> 00:13:00,698
And for you generals in the audience,
276
00:13:00,786 --> 00:13:02,656
"How to Take Care of Your Privates."
277
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:09,594
Oh! Here's the best,
278
00:13:09,628 --> 00:13:11,758
- "Killing Men and Loving It."
- Funny little lady.
279
00:13:11,797 --> 00:13:13,507
She is.
280
00:13:13,548 --> 00:13:15,526
You know, a lot of top-notch
entertainers come through here.
281
00:13:15,550 --> 00:13:17,470
- Uh-huh.
- Bob Hope played here.
282
00:13:17,511 --> 00:13:20,011
Right on that stage. Milton
Berle, been here twice.
283
00:13:20,055 --> 00:13:22,515
You know how much you'd
have to pay to see Bob Hope
284
00:13:22,557 --> 00:13:24,477
- at the Copacabana?
- A lot.
285
00:13:24,518 --> 00:13:26,518
And then some.
286
00:13:26,561 --> 00:13:28,651
Yeah, the army life is a good life.
287
00:13:28,688 --> 00:13:32,188
Job security, three squares
a day, excitement, travel.
288
00:13:32,234 --> 00:13:34,194
- You like to travel?
- Uh, sure.
289
00:13:34,236 --> 00:13:35,816
It's a great organization.
290
00:13:35,862 --> 00:13:38,032
Waking up every day,
proud to be an American.
291
00:13:38,073 --> 00:13:39,663
Proud to serve your country, you know?
292
00:13:39,699 --> 00:13:41,199
Do I?
293
00:13:41,243 --> 00:13:44,043
Well, have you ever
thought about joining up?
294
00:13:44,079 --> 00:13:46,119
Me? Oh, uh, no.
295
00:13:46,164 --> 00:13:50,094
- Strong young man like yourself.
- I'm not that young.
296
00:13:50,127 --> 00:13:52,497
- Can you play the bugle?
- I do not play the bugle.
297
00:13:52,546 --> 00:13:55,006
Oh. We need a bugler.
I just thought I'd ask.
298
00:13:55,048 --> 00:13:56,758
- Ah, sorry.
- You got the cheeks for it.
299
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,800
- Okay.
- Well, doesn't matter.
300
00:13:58,844 --> 00:14:00,764
There's a place for
everyone in the Army.
301
00:14:00,804 --> 00:14:04,394
Plus, you get benefits up the ass.
302
00:14:04,433 --> 00:14:06,693
Well, I don't need anything
up my ass at the moment,
303
00:14:06,726 --> 00:14:09,146
- but thank you.
- Think about it.
304
00:14:09,187 --> 00:14:10,807
I will.
305
00:14:10,856 --> 00:14:13,356
It'll never leave my
mind again. Trust me.
306
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,400
... I feel nothing.
307
00:14:17,446 --> 00:14:20,616
You guys have your own language here.
308
00:14:20,657 --> 00:14:22,277
It's so fun. A soldier said
309
00:14:22,325 --> 00:14:24,155
he was gonna go sit on the honey bucket,
310
00:14:24,202 --> 00:14:27,122
and I was like, "I've been
called a lot of things, pal... "
311
00:14:27,164 --> 00:14:28,924
I almost smacked him.
312
00:14:28,957 --> 00:14:31,917
So I got to keep out of trouble here.
313
00:14:33,795 --> 00:14:36,005
Maybe you fellas could
run some jargon by me?
314
00:14:36,047 --> 00:14:37,587
Make sure I understand it.
315
00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:39,026
What are some of your other phrases?
316
00:14:39,050 --> 00:14:40,680
Direct support.
317
00:14:40,719 --> 00:14:42,049
Too easy. That's what I'm wearing
318
00:14:42,095 --> 00:14:43,555
under my dress right now.
319
00:14:47,184 --> 00:14:48,894
Zone of action.
320
00:14:48,935 --> 00:14:52,515
Everything not covered by the
direct support I'm wearing.
321
00:14:52,564 --> 00:14:54,074
Rear guard.
322
00:14:54,107 --> 00:14:56,357
- Diaper cream.
- Attack position.
323
00:14:56,401 --> 00:14:57,491
Friendly fire.
324
00:14:57,527 --> 00:15:00,277
A cute redhead.
325
00:15:00,322 --> 00:15:02,702
- Frontal fire.
- Shock action.
326
00:15:02,741 --> 00:15:05,541
Frontal fire and shock action?
327
00:15:05,577 --> 00:15:07,697
Isn't frontal fire what you contract
328
00:15:07,746 --> 00:15:10,116
when you have shock action
with the wrong girl overseas?
329
00:15:14,294 --> 00:15:17,014
- Huh?
- Withdrawal.
330
00:15:17,047 --> 00:15:19,047
Congratulations, you're a daddy.
331
00:15:22,594 --> 00:15:24,724
Oh, boy.
332
00:15:25,931 --> 00:15:28,931
Well, you sure know how to
make a girl feel welcome.
333
00:15:28,975 --> 00:15:30,685
That's all for me today.
334
00:15:30,727 --> 00:15:33,187
I'm Mrs. Maisel. You
boys stay safe out there,
335
00:15:33,230 --> 00:15:34,860
'cause you're just too cute to lose.
336
00:15:34,898 --> 00:15:37,478
Thank you and good night.
337
00:15:42,405 --> 00:15:44,275
Thank you.
338
00:15:44,324 --> 00:15:46,494
Thank you. Thank you.
339
00:15:52,332 --> 00:15:53,712
What?
340
00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:56,461
Oh, shit, sorry.
341
00:15:58,922 --> 00:16:01,552
Hi. Remember me? I'm back.
Uh, I completely forgot
342
00:16:01,591 --> 00:16:04,341
to introduce Shy Baldwin.
343
00:16:07,097 --> 00:16:08,887
Thank you. I mean, he thanks you.
344
00:16:08,932 --> 00:16:10,982
Uh, he's so great. A terrific singer
345
00:16:11,017 --> 00:16:13,477
and such a nice guy,
and he gave me my break.
346
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,560
So... here he is.
347
00:16:21,695 --> 00:16:23,695
We're gonna work on that.
348
00:16:29,619 --> 00:16:32,209
- So, what have we learned?
- What?
349
00:16:32,247 --> 00:16:35,127
Even when you do have a
stroke, you do it adorably.
350
00:16:39,045 --> 00:16:41,585
* The stars shine *
351
00:16:41,631 --> 00:16:43,511
* Your eyes catch mine *
352
00:16:43,550 --> 00:16:46,430
* And your light is all I can see *
353
00:16:46,469 --> 00:16:49,429
* Could there be one less angel *
354
00:16:49,472 --> 00:16:51,432
* In heaven *
355
00:16:51,474 --> 00:16:53,354
* Counting one less angel *
356
00:16:53,393 --> 00:16:55,193
* In heaven *
357
00:16:55,228 --> 00:16:57,148
* Must be one less angel *
358
00:16:57,188 --> 00:16:59,148
* In heaven *
359
00:16:59,190 --> 00:17:02,650
* 'Cause you're here smiling at me *
360
00:17:05,488 --> 00:17:07,528
* The strings play *
361
00:17:07,574 --> 00:17:09,124
* You move my way *
362
00:17:09,159 --> 00:17:12,079
* I'm soaring, now I guarantee *
363
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,660
* There must be one less angel *
364
00:17:14,706 --> 00:17:17,416
* In heaven *
365
00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:20,879
* Don't tell one less angel in heaven *
366
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,880
* Must be one less angel *
367
00:17:22,922 --> 00:17:25,722
* In heaven *
368
00:17:25,759 --> 00:17:29,349
* 'Cause look who's dancing with me *
369
00:17:29,387 --> 00:17:33,097
* Oh, now I'm scared *
370
00:17:33,141 --> 00:17:35,391
* I'm scared to close my eyes *
371
00:17:35,435 --> 00:17:38,645
* And open them to
find you've flown away *
372
00:17:38,688 --> 00:17:40,728
* I know that I should keep *
373
00:17:40,774 --> 00:17:43,494
* My feelings in disguise *
374
00:17:43,526 --> 00:17:45,486
* But, darling, there is something *
375
00:17:45,528 --> 00:17:47,658
* That I've got to say *
376
00:17:47,697 --> 00:17:49,817
* My baby, my angel *
377
00:17:49,866 --> 00:17:51,826
* Now please won't you stay *
378
00:17:51,868 --> 00:17:53,578
* My heart stops *
379
00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:55,710
* The music drops *
380
00:17:55,747 --> 00:17:58,077
* The world falls away suddenly *
381
00:17:58,124 --> 00:17:59,794
- * Oh *
- * There must be *
382
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:03,384
* One angel less in heaven *
383
00:18:03,421 --> 00:18:07,131
* There was one less angel in heaven *
384
00:18:07,175 --> 00:18:09,005
* My baby said yes *
385
00:18:09,052 --> 00:18:11,512
* I'm in heaven *
386
00:18:11,554 --> 00:18:13,564
* My angel loves me *
387
00:18:13,598 --> 00:18:15,638
* She said she loves me *
388
00:18:15,684 --> 00:18:18,194
* Oh, that's heaven to me *
389
00:18:18,228 --> 00:18:19,438
* That's *
390
00:18:19,479 --> 00:18:22,689
* Heaven to me *
391
00:18:22,732 --> 00:18:25,402
* That's heaven to me. *
392
00:18:31,199 --> 00:18:33,659
And we bought it from
the sweetest old lady.
393
00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:35,582
The house is wonderful, Mrs. Maisel.
394
00:18:35,620 --> 00:18:36,960
It's my dream home.
395
00:18:36,996 --> 00:18:38,826
My absolute dream home.
396
00:18:38,873 --> 00:18:42,093
Moishe promised that one day
we'd have a home just like this.
397
00:18:42,127 --> 00:18:43,127
In Queens.
398
00:18:43,169 --> 00:18:44,629
It's got a great tree.
399
00:18:44,671 --> 00:18:47,091
A man is not a man
until he's got a tree.
400
00:18:47,132 --> 00:18:49,882
Wait. Moishe. Where's the kitchen?
401
00:18:49,926 --> 00:18:51,466
There's no kitchen on these plans.
402
00:18:51,511 --> 00:18:53,221
What did that bitch do with our kitchen?
403
00:18:53,263 --> 00:18:55,013
You're looking on the
second floor, Shirl.
404
00:18:55,056 --> 00:18:56,466
- Look on the first floor.
- Oh.
405
00:18:56,516 --> 00:18:58,346
Hey. You still looking
for a club, right?
406
00:18:58,393 --> 00:19:00,773
- Looking, not finding.
- I heard about a place.
407
00:19:00,812 --> 00:19:03,022
I want no part of
your dastardly schemes.
408
00:19:03,064 --> 00:19:06,074
It's my button guy, he's been
using this space for storage
409
00:19:06,109 --> 00:19:08,029
for 20 years and he just gave it up.
410
00:19:08,069 --> 00:19:10,279
He's a bigger deal
now... got into zippers.
411
00:19:10,321 --> 00:19:11,571
Said it was a club once.
412
00:19:11,614 --> 00:19:13,284
Uh, still has a stage and a bar,
413
00:19:13,324 --> 00:19:14,635
- there's even furniture.
- Really?
414
00:19:14,659 --> 00:19:16,949
Great downtown location,
surrounded by subways.
415
00:19:16,995 --> 00:19:19,285
And it's not a dump?
All I've seen are dumps.
416
00:19:19,330 --> 00:19:20,540
Teardowns.
417
00:19:20,582 --> 00:19:22,172
I'm fixing this place up myself,
418
00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:23,998
got to keep power tools to a minimum.
419
00:19:24,043 --> 00:19:25,312
I'll get you the address.
Go see for yourself.
420
00:19:25,336 --> 00:19:27,956
Daddy, another lady left her lipstick.
421
00:19:28,006 --> 00:19:30,086
- Thanks, kiddo.
- Go check it out.
422
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:33,093
- Say it again.
- We're gonna live in Queens!
423
00:19:33,136 --> 00:19:36,596
Yes! Yes. Yes.
424
00:19:43,313 --> 00:19:47,283
* Ah *
425
00:19:56,409 --> 00:19:59,079
* Our homeward step *
426
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:01,620
* Was just as light *
427
00:20:01,664 --> 00:20:04,174
* As the tap dancing feet *
428
00:20:04,209 --> 00:20:05,999
* Of Astaire *
429
00:20:06,044 --> 00:20:09,134
* And like an echo *
430
00:20:09,172 --> 00:20:11,632
* Far away *
431
00:20:11,674 --> 00:20:14,304
* A nightingale sang *
432
00:20:14,344 --> 00:20:17,514
* In Berkeley Square *
433
00:20:19,516 --> 00:20:21,056
* I know *
434
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:24,980
* 'Cause I was there *
435
00:20:25,021 --> 00:20:29,401
* That night in Berkeley *
436
00:20:29,442 --> 00:20:31,742
* Square *
437
00:20:33,988 --> 00:20:35,988
Really?
438
00:20:38,326 --> 00:20:39,786
Thank you very much.
439
00:20:50,004 --> 00:20:53,934
That's the great Shy Baldwin!
440
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,137
I am so sorry about
the introduction, Shy.
441
00:20:57,178 --> 00:20:59,218
I promise I will never do that again.
442
00:20:59,264 --> 00:21:00,866
Susie Myerson of Susie
Myerson and Associates.
443
00:21:00,890 --> 00:21:02,243
I promise she will never do that again.
444
00:21:02,267 --> 00:21:03,597
Susie is my manager.
445
00:21:03,643 --> 00:21:05,353
- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
446
00:21:05,395 --> 00:21:07,685
Hey, question: were you ever fat?
447
00:21:07,730 --> 00:21:10,070
- No.
- You sound fat on your albums.
448
00:21:10,108 --> 00:21:11,794
Shy, I don't what
happened to the mic stand.
449
00:21:11,818 --> 00:21:13,568
It's the Army.
450
00:21:13,611 --> 00:21:15,911
If you can't kill someone
with it, they-they don't care.
451
00:21:15,947 --> 00:21:19,077
- Lou, I want you to meet Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson.
- Ah...
452
00:21:19,117 --> 00:21:21,237
- This is my manager, Lou Rabinowitz.
- Hello.
453
00:21:21,286 --> 00:21:24,746
Myerson. You're the one I've
been talking to six times a day.
454
00:21:24,789 --> 00:21:25,919
- And you're Lou?
- Yes.
455
00:21:25,957 --> 00:21:27,627
Hmm. You don't sound bald.
456
00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:30,417
Thank you. So, it's
nice to have you with us.
457
00:21:30,461 --> 00:21:32,461
Everything good? You need anything?
458
00:21:32,505 --> 00:21:35,165
Here. Once the tour starts,
459
00:21:35,216 --> 00:21:36,777
you'll have your
regular weekly per diem.
460
00:21:36,801 --> 00:21:38,851
But for now, let Uncle Lou.
461
00:21:38,887 --> 00:21:41,307
That's for cab fare,
train fare, candy bars,
462
00:21:41,347 --> 00:21:43,517
hair pins, feminine
products, whatever you need.
463
00:21:43,558 --> 00:21:44,702
- Well, thank you, Lou.
- You're welcome.
464
00:21:44,726 --> 00:21:46,386
I need that contract.
465
00:21:46,436 --> 00:21:49,056
Uh, we will be countering
soon. And more than once.
466
00:21:49,105 --> 00:21:50,645
But not too much more, but more.
467
00:21:50,690 --> 00:21:53,230
And we got some really
weird asks, so be ready.
468
00:21:55,278 --> 00:21:57,858
We are both total idiots today.
469
00:21:57,906 --> 00:22:00,009
All right, now I think it's time
you boys sing for your supper.
470
00:22:00,033 --> 00:22:02,123
- What do you say?
- Yeah!
471
00:22:03,161 --> 00:22:04,451
Shall I leave you two alone?
472
00:22:04,495 --> 00:22:06,955
I just love money. You know?
473
00:22:06,998 --> 00:22:09,998
Smells great. Feels
great. It looks great.
474
00:22:10,043 --> 00:22:12,633
Just be careful. It
can break your heart.
475
00:22:12,670 --> 00:22:14,648
Hey, where's that pay
phone? I need to make a call.
476
00:22:14,672 --> 00:22:17,682
... spreading peace, not war.
477
00:22:17,717 --> 00:22:19,257
I need a volunteer.
478
00:22:27,602 --> 00:22:28,602
Hold on.
479
00:22:28,603 --> 00:22:32,363
Ethan. Not the floor.
480
00:22:32,398 --> 00:22:34,028
- Hello?
- Bad time?
481
00:22:34,067 --> 00:22:36,107
No, it's not a bad time.
482
00:22:36,152 --> 00:22:37,822
Ethan, not the furniture!
483
00:22:37,862 --> 00:22:38,992
Do I want to know?
484
00:22:39,030 --> 00:22:40,990
He discovered the Maisel and Roth stamp.
485
00:22:41,032 --> 00:22:42,452
- Oh, boy.
- Yes. Well,
486
00:22:42,492 --> 00:22:44,582
maybe he'll be postmaster
general someday.
487
00:22:44,619 --> 00:22:45,869
One can hope.
488
00:22:48,206 --> 00:22:49,786
So, how are you?
489
00:22:49,832 --> 00:22:51,422
Uh, a little crazy.
490
00:22:52,794 --> 00:22:54,634
- Where are you?
- What? Why?
491
00:22:54,671 --> 00:22:56,631
- Is it a secret?
- No, it is not.
492
00:22:56,673 --> 00:22:57,883
I just hear voices.
493
00:22:57,924 --> 00:23:00,264
I'm doing a USO show today.
494
00:23:00,301 --> 00:23:02,471
Here in the city. Warm-up
gig before the tour.
495
00:23:02,512 --> 00:23:03,852
- You go on yet?
- I did.
496
00:23:03,888 --> 00:23:04,888
You knock 'em dead?
497
00:23:04,931 --> 00:23:06,471
I did. Literally.
498
00:23:06,516 --> 00:23:08,797
Bumped into a missile
and blew up the barracks.
499
00:23:10,853 --> 00:23:12,653
- So...
- Ethan,
500
00:23:12,689 --> 00:23:14,769
not your sister!
501
00:23:14,816 --> 00:23:16,276
Go ahead.
502
00:23:16,317 --> 00:23:18,897
I'm sorry I snuck out the other night.
503
00:23:18,945 --> 00:23:21,065
- That's okay.
- I just had to get up early,
504
00:23:21,114 --> 00:23:22,914
and you were sleeping so soundly.
505
00:23:22,949 --> 00:23:24,159
No explanation needed.
506
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,620
Okay. Good.
507
00:23:26,661 --> 00:23:28,581
I didn't want you to feel stiffed.
508
00:23:28,621 --> 00:23:31,041
I mean, earlier in the night
I did want you to feel stiffed,
509
00:23:31,082 --> 00:23:32,132
but not stiffed, like...
510
00:23:32,166 --> 00:23:34,706
Really, it's no big deal at all.
511
00:23:34,752 --> 00:23:36,422
Okay.
512
00:23:38,381 --> 00:23:40,381
I just noticed...
513
00:23:40,425 --> 00:23:41,585
What?
514
00:23:41,634 --> 00:23:43,644
You didn't call.
515
00:23:44,679 --> 00:23:45,759
You didn't call, either.
516
00:23:45,805 --> 00:23:48,595
I know. I just thought you'd call.
517
00:23:48,641 --> 00:23:50,771
Well, I didn't think there
was anything to call about.
518
00:23:50,810 --> 00:23:52,579
Zelda was gonna bring the
kids over the next day.
519
00:23:52,603 --> 00:23:53,998
I was gonna drop them off on Wednesday.
520
00:23:54,022 --> 00:23:56,902
- I know the schedule.
- So why would I call?
521
00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:00,490
- Midge?
- Yes?
522
00:24:00,528 --> 00:24:02,158
You mad?
523
00:24:02,196 --> 00:24:04,116
- Nope.
- Did I do something wrong?
524
00:24:04,157 --> 00:24:06,367
No. You did everything right.
525
00:24:06,409 --> 00:24:08,079
Twice. S-so thanks for that.
526
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:10,499
Hey. You said one night.
527
00:24:10,538 --> 00:24:11,578
And I heard you.
528
00:24:11,622 --> 00:24:13,372
I just thought you'd follow up.
529
00:24:13,416 --> 00:24:14,643
Something happens, you follow up.
530
00:24:14,667 --> 00:24:15,811
A guy comes to fix your dishwasher,
531
00:24:15,835 --> 00:24:16,854
he calls later to follow up.
532
00:24:16,878 --> 00:24:18,498
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
533
00:24:18,546 --> 00:24:20,796
Midge, no dishwasher
repairman in the world
534
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,050
calls later to follow up.
535
00:24:22,091 --> 00:24:23,381
Well, when our dishwasher broke,
536
00:24:23,426 --> 00:24:24,653
the guy called later to follow up,
537
00:24:24,677 --> 00:24:25,887
and I appreciated it.
538
00:24:25,928 --> 00:24:27,178
If he did call to follow up,
539
00:24:27,221 --> 00:24:29,061
it wasn't on the state
of the dishwasher.
540
00:24:29,098 --> 00:24:31,018
Oh, so now I fucked the
dishwasher repairman?
541
00:24:31,059 --> 00:24:32,244
- Is that what you're implying?
- No.
542
00:24:32,268 --> 00:24:33,898
I'm saying that a dishwasher repairman
543
00:24:33,936 --> 00:24:35,456
doesn't give a shit
about your dishwasher
544
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:37,570
- the minute he leaves the house.
- Oh, so that's it.
545
00:24:37,607 --> 00:24:39,251
You don't care about
my dishwasher anymore?
546
00:24:39,275 --> 00:24:41,086
If it works or doesn't work,
it means nothing to you at all.
547
00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:42,950
I am not a dishwasher repairman, Midge!
548
00:24:42,987 --> 00:24:44,407
If you know anything about me,
549
00:24:44,447 --> 00:24:46,091
it's not that I cannot
repair a fucking dishwasher!
550
00:24:46,115 --> 00:24:47,735
I know you can't repair a dishwasher.
551
00:24:47,784 --> 00:24:49,720
- That wasn't what I was saying.
- Well, what were you saying?
552
00:24:49,744 --> 00:24:53,334
I don't know. I've totally lost
the thread of this conversation.
553
00:24:53,372 --> 00:24:56,422
You made it very, very
clear: one night only.
554
00:24:56,459 --> 00:24:58,289
I was not supposed to
think it was anything
555
00:24:58,336 --> 00:25:00,126
more than it was. So I didn't.
556
00:25:00,171 --> 00:25:02,221
I took you at your word
and kept to the script.
557
00:25:02,256 --> 00:25:03,626
I did what you asked me to do.
558
00:25:04,675 --> 00:25:07,255
I just thought you'd call.
559
00:25:09,639 --> 00:25:11,469
Did you want me to call?
560
00:25:11,516 --> 00:25:14,766
Did you change your mind?
561
00:25:20,399 --> 00:25:22,439
I'm not mad.
562
00:25:23,486 --> 00:25:26,566
Listen... I have to go.
563
00:25:26,614 --> 00:25:28,664
Ethan's found the packing tape,
564
00:25:28,699 --> 00:25:30,829
and I don't know where Esther is.
565
00:25:30,868 --> 00:25:32,868
- I'll call you later.
- Bye.
566
00:25:44,048 --> 00:25:46,798
Who is it?
567
00:25:46,843 --> 00:25:50,513
It's me.
568
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,320
Hello, darling! Mm.
569
00:26:12,118 --> 00:26:15,158
Flowers?
570
00:26:15,204 --> 00:26:17,584
You had sex with my sister?
571
00:26:36,225 --> 00:26:37,975
So, just to be clear, this is Chinatown.
572
00:26:38,019 --> 00:26:39,439
Yes, this is Chinatown.
573
00:26:39,478 --> 00:26:41,518
Something that Pop did not mention.
574
00:26:41,564 --> 00:26:44,234
Excuse me. This is 227 Bayard Street.
575
00:26:44,275 --> 00:26:45,475
- Yes?
- Bayard.
576
00:26:48,029 --> 00:26:49,409
I don't think he speaks English.
577
00:26:49,447 --> 00:26:52,277
What would I do without
you, Mrs. Moskowitz.
578
00:26:52,325 --> 00:26:53,945
It's a mess, but the bones are good.
579
00:26:53,993 --> 00:26:55,333
The bones are very good.
580
00:26:55,369 --> 00:26:56,722
Chinatown. You think people will come
581
00:26:56,746 --> 00:26:58,406
to a club in Chinatown?
582
00:26:58,456 --> 00:27:01,576
If the drinks are strong
and the music's hot.
583
00:27:01,626 --> 00:27:03,836
Thank you.
584
00:27:03,878 --> 00:27:04,958
Must be the lease.
585
00:27:05,004 --> 00:27:08,384
- In Chinese?
- And English. Thank God.
586
00:27:08,424 --> 00:27:11,224
There's a dead rat over here.
We'd have to get rid of that.
587
00:27:11,260 --> 00:27:13,510
Geez, is that really
the price? It's good.
588
00:27:13,554 --> 00:27:16,394
Whoa! Here's another one. Poor thing.
589
00:27:16,432 --> 00:27:17,522
He choked on a button.
590
00:27:17,558 --> 00:27:19,598
And the price is locked
in for five years?
591
00:27:19,644 --> 00:27:23,564
Uh... immediate occupancy?
I could take it now?
592
00:27:23,606 --> 00:27:27,236
I think I could take it now.
593
00:27:27,276 --> 00:27:30,566
I can't tell if I'm
a genius or an idiot.
594
00:27:30,613 --> 00:27:32,373
Well, what do you think?
595
00:27:32,406 --> 00:27:33,656
We've seen a lot of shitholes.
596
00:27:33,699 --> 00:27:35,489
At least this one comes
with a bar, a stage,
597
00:27:35,534 --> 00:27:37,084
and some wildlife.
598
00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:39,829
Your optimism is
contagious, Mrs. Moskowitz.
599
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,710
Who doesn't like wildlife, right?
600
00:27:44,752 --> 00:27:46,802
You know what? I'll take it.
601
00:27:55,012 --> 00:27:59,522
* I'm dreaming of *
602
00:27:59,558 --> 00:28:03,188
* A white Christmas *
603
00:28:03,229 --> 00:28:05,649
* Just like the ones *
604
00:28:05,690 --> 00:28:09,240
* I used to know *
605
00:28:09,277 --> 00:28:10,897
* Where the treetops glisten *
606
00:28:13,239 --> 00:28:16,529
* And children listen *
607
00:28:16,575 --> 00:28:20,705
* To hear sleigh bells in the snow *
608
00:28:20,746 --> 00:28:22,616
* Snow *
609
00:28:22,665 --> 00:28:25,745
* I'm *
610
00:28:25,793 --> 00:28:27,753
* Dreaming of a *
611
00:28:27,795 --> 00:28:31,505
- * White Christmas *
- ... mas *
612
00:28:31,549 --> 00:28:35,929
* With every Christmas card I write *
613
00:28:37,471 --> 00:28:38,811
* May your days *
614
00:28:38,848 --> 00:28:41,268
* Be merry *
615
00:28:41,309 --> 00:28:45,229
* And bright *
616
00:28:45,271 --> 00:28:48,731
* And may all your *
617
00:28:48,774 --> 00:28:51,194
* Christmases *
618
00:28:51,235 --> 00:28:55,405
* Be white. *
619
00:28:57,783 --> 00:29:00,623
That's all for us, tonight, fellas.
620
00:29:00,661 --> 00:29:03,711
You stay safe,
621
00:29:03,748 --> 00:29:06,288
and God bless America!
622
00:29:26,812 --> 00:29:28,272
Can I have a picture, Mrs. Maisel?
623
00:29:28,314 --> 00:29:29,694
- Me, too.
- Easy, boys.
624
00:29:29,732 --> 00:29:31,293
- You'll bruise the merchandise.
- Hey, let's throw you
625
00:29:31,317 --> 00:29:33,378
- in the jeep for a shot with some of the men.
- Sure.
626
00:29:33,402 --> 00:29:34,822
Yeah, nothing like a heartwarming
627
00:29:34,862 --> 00:29:37,492
Christmas time gangbang photo
to send home to the family.
628
00:29:37,531 --> 00:29:39,531
A photo in the jeep will be fine.
629
00:29:42,787 --> 00:29:46,707
Okay, everyone, say,
"Government cheese!"
630
00:29:46,749 --> 00:29:48,789
- Government cheese!
- Ooh!
631
00:29:48,834 --> 00:29:50,094
Merry Christmas, fellas.
632
00:29:50,127 --> 00:29:52,707
- Better get one more.
- Huh?
633
00:29:52,755 --> 00:29:54,505
Government cheese!
634
00:29:54,548 --> 00:29:55,718
Got it.
635
00:29:55,758 --> 00:29:58,678
Thank you, boys. Have a great Christmas.
636
00:29:58,719 --> 00:30:00,599
- Whew.
- Good job today.
637
00:30:00,638 --> 00:30:02,768
Thanks, Mitchell. Good
luck invading Cuba.
638
00:30:02,807 --> 00:30:04,427
We'll see you tonight at 1900 hours.
639
00:30:04,475 --> 00:30:06,805
- Oh, now you do army time.
- What time is 1900 hours?
640
00:30:06,852 --> 00:30:08,022
- 6:00.
- 7:00.
641
00:30:08,062 --> 00:30:09,772
- Fuck.
- And what's happening then?
642
00:30:09,814 --> 00:30:11,654
There's a dance at the
canteen for the boys.
643
00:30:11,690 --> 00:30:14,240
We like everyone to go, all the talent.
644
00:30:14,276 --> 00:30:15,646
Did you know about this?
645
00:30:15,694 --> 00:30:17,494
No one ever mentioned a canteen dance.
646
00:30:17,530 --> 00:30:19,370
- What do you think?
- I don't have an outfit.
647
00:30:19,407 --> 00:30:20,842
There's one right there on your body.
648
00:30:20,866 --> 00:30:23,261
- Everyone's already seen it.
- Then wear the one you came in.
649
00:30:23,285 --> 00:30:24,785
That's a traveling outfit.
650
00:30:24,829 --> 00:30:27,057
You know these guys don't give a
shit what you're wearing, right?
651
00:30:27,081 --> 00:30:28,725
They're all picturing you
without your clothes on anyway.
652
00:30:28,749 --> 00:30:31,709
I'm representing Shy. I
have to look a certain way.
653
00:30:31,752 --> 00:30:33,552
Look, I've yet to win
a clothing argument,
654
00:30:33,587 --> 00:30:35,707
- so it ain't gonna happen.
- But it's tradition.
655
00:30:35,756 --> 00:30:37,876
It's for the boys.
656
00:30:37,925 --> 00:30:41,045
I guess I could go
home and grab an outfit.
657
00:30:41,095 --> 00:30:43,555
- Can someone give us a ride?
- I can arrange that.
658
00:30:43,597 --> 00:30:44,991
- Private Lawrence.
- I think I'm gonna stay here
659
00:30:45,015 --> 00:30:46,385
and wait for you.
660
00:30:46,434 --> 00:30:48,870
You sure you don't want to go
home and grab your fancy blazer?
661
00:30:48,894 --> 00:30:50,580
- For the boys?
- Don't want to overwhelm them.
662
00:30:50,604 --> 00:30:53,694
Okay. Be back as soon as I can.
663
00:30:53,732 --> 00:30:55,112
Goddamn it.
664
00:30:55,151 --> 00:30:57,031
Susie Myerson.
665
00:30:57,069 --> 00:30:59,159
Phone call for Susie Myerson.
666
00:31:02,908 --> 00:31:04,238
Susie Myerson.
667
00:31:04,285 --> 00:31:05,615
Oh, there you are.
668
00:31:05,661 --> 00:31:07,251
I've been looking everywhere for you.
669
00:31:07,288 --> 00:31:08,458
I'm over at your apartment.
670
00:31:08,497 --> 00:31:09,933
What the hell are you
doing at my apartment?
671
00:31:09,957 --> 00:31:11,877
I'm getting the place
ready for my sublet.
672
00:31:11,917 --> 00:31:13,478
You don't expect me to live like you do.
673
00:31:13,502 --> 00:31:14,882
Get out of my apartment.
674
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,440
Relax. I'm just taking
some measurements.
675
00:31:16,464 --> 00:31:17,634
For what?
676
00:31:17,673 --> 00:31:19,843
You need drapes. The
whole fucking street
677
00:31:19,884 --> 00:31:21,974
can watch you do whatever
weird shit you do.
678
00:31:22,011 --> 00:31:25,261
- No drapes.
- It's too sad. There's no feminine touch.
679
00:31:25,306 --> 00:31:26,716
- Jackie!
- Anyhow,
680
00:31:26,765 --> 00:31:29,725
I'm here and someone shows
up who wants to talk to you.
681
00:31:29,768 --> 00:31:31,768
Who? Jackie.
682
00:31:31,812 --> 00:31:33,232
Jackie?
683
00:31:33,272 --> 00:31:35,022
Who?
684
00:31:35,065 --> 00:31:36,435
Why do you live here?
685
00:31:36,484 --> 00:31:38,284
Let me rephrase that.
686
00:31:38,319 --> 00:31:41,819
You don't live here.
Not anymore. I forbid it.
687
00:31:41,864 --> 00:31:42,994
- Sophie.
- I am
688
00:31:43,032 --> 00:31:44,162
furious with you.
689
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,370
- It's rent-controlled.
- Not about that.
690
00:31:46,410 --> 00:31:49,750
- I know I owe you a call.
- A call? You owe me a call?
691
00:31:49,788 --> 00:31:51,288
I asked you to be my manager.
692
00:31:51,332 --> 00:31:53,002
You owe me more than a call.
693
00:31:53,042 --> 00:31:55,212
- Your manager? No shit?
- Never speak again.
694
00:31:55,252 --> 00:31:58,462
I offered you the chance of a lifetime,
695
00:31:58,506 --> 00:32:01,466
and then I sat by the phone
like a virgin on prom night.
696
00:32:01,509 --> 00:32:03,320
Finally, I realized you
were not going to call.
697
00:32:03,344 --> 00:32:04,514
I was gonna call.
698
00:32:04,553 --> 00:32:06,813
So I had to come to you.
699
00:32:06,847 --> 00:32:09,017
Here.
700
00:32:09,058 --> 00:32:11,478
Below 14th Street.
701
00:32:11,519 --> 00:32:13,979
I had to walk down stairs. I had to
702
00:32:14,021 --> 00:32:16,111
touch a doorknob that was alive.
703
00:32:16,148 --> 00:32:18,278
I had to talk to your husband.
704
00:32:18,317 --> 00:32:20,337
- He's not my fucking husband!
- I'm not her husband.
705
00:32:20,361 --> 00:32:21,713
- Give me a fucking heart attack.
- Christ, my fucking heart.
706
00:32:21,737 --> 00:32:23,947
Well, why is someone
who is not your husband
707
00:32:23,989 --> 00:32:26,199
neck-deep in my fur?
708
00:32:26,242 --> 00:32:29,372
- Can't answer that.
- It's freezing in here.
709
00:32:29,411 --> 00:32:31,211
It is freezing in here.
710
00:32:31,247 --> 00:32:34,377
Sophie, I'm sorry, really,
but can I call you back later?
711
00:32:34,416 --> 00:32:36,166
- Where are you?
- At a USO show.
712
00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:38,590
- I don't do USO shows.
- It's not for you.
713
00:32:38,629 --> 00:32:39,940
Well, then I don't want to hear about it
714
00:32:39,964 --> 00:32:42,304
or any other excuse you
might be conjuring up.
715
00:32:42,341 --> 00:32:44,431
I don't give a flying merde.
716
00:32:44,468 --> 00:32:46,218
Do you understand
717
00:32:46,262 --> 00:32:47,932
who I am?
718
00:32:47,972 --> 00:32:50,432
What I am to this business?
719
00:32:50,474 --> 00:32:53,944
- I do.
- And yet you made me track you down.
720
00:32:53,978 --> 00:32:56,558
The last time I had
to track someone down
721
00:32:56,605 --> 00:32:58,725
was to tell Desi Arnaz
he gave me the clap.
722
00:32:58,774 --> 00:33:01,784
I'm sorry, about this and the clap.
723
00:33:01,819 --> 00:33:04,859
The clap was worth it. This isn't.
724
00:33:04,905 --> 00:33:08,575
Now I have been patient,
and I'm out of patience.
725
00:33:08,617 --> 00:33:12,247
I want an answer to my question
and I want it right now.
726
00:33:12,288 --> 00:33:13,658
Are you my manager
727
00:33:13,706 --> 00:33:17,036
or are you not?
728
00:33:17,084 --> 00:33:19,344
Rose, I don't understand why...
729
00:33:19,378 --> 00:33:21,048
What is that?
730
00:33:21,088 --> 00:33:23,338
I demand you tell me exactly what you...
731
00:33:23,382 --> 00:33:25,512
Okay, maybe demand's too strong.
732
00:33:25,551 --> 00:33:28,011
I want you to see what our lives cost.
733
00:33:28,053 --> 00:33:30,973
I know what it cost, and
you're smoking in the house.
734
00:33:31,015 --> 00:33:32,425
How much does Zelda make?
735
00:33:32,474 --> 00:33:34,524
Zelda makes $30 a week.
736
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,440
- Wrong.
- What do you mean wrong?
737
00:33:36,478 --> 00:33:38,358
You can't just say "wrong" to me.
738
00:33:38,397 --> 00:33:40,477
Zelda makes $60 a week.
739
00:33:40,524 --> 00:33:42,904
That's impossible. I pay her $30.
740
00:33:42,943 --> 00:33:45,403
- And then I pay her the rest.
- With what?
741
00:33:45,446 --> 00:33:46,856
With the money from my trust fund.
742
00:33:48,907 --> 00:33:51,577
You really think we live
like this on your salary?
743
00:33:51,619 --> 00:33:55,039
You really think that Miriam
has all those fabulous clothes
744
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:56,960
because you were a
professor at Columbia?
745
00:33:56,999 --> 00:34:00,789
The vacations, the dinners,
the cocktail parties...
746
00:34:00,836 --> 00:34:02,496
you think all that exists
747
00:34:02,546 --> 00:34:04,796
because you taught
eight hyper-intelligent,
748
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,720
emotionally-retarded eunuchs
to draw symbols on a chalkboard.
749
00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:09,800
I think you're
oversimplifying my classes.
750
00:34:09,845 --> 00:34:12,505
Do you know one other professor
who lives the way we do?
751
00:34:12,556 --> 00:34:15,596
- Milk is 49 cents a gallon?
- Not one.
752
00:34:15,643 --> 00:34:18,773
They all have drab clothes and
gray skin and they die young.
753
00:34:18,812 --> 00:34:21,942
You're telling me that you
paid for all of these things
754
00:34:21,982 --> 00:34:23,782
- out of your trust fund?
- Yes.
755
00:34:23,817 --> 00:34:25,857
You told me that trust
fund was just there
756
00:34:25,903 --> 00:34:27,073
to buy me birthday presents.
757
00:34:27,112 --> 00:34:28,423
Well, happy fucking birthday, Abe.
758
00:34:28,447 --> 00:34:30,407
Now cut the crap and
go get our lives back.
759
00:34:31,742 --> 00:34:32,992
This is ridiculous.
760
00:34:33,035 --> 00:34:35,995
All this talk is about
761
00:34:36,038 --> 00:34:37,748
possessions and things.
762
00:34:37,790 --> 00:34:40,460
I mean, look at this apartment.
763
00:34:40,501 --> 00:34:42,251
Who needs all these rooms?
764
00:34:42,294 --> 00:34:43,964
A living room, a dining room,
765
00:34:44,004 --> 00:34:46,264
a kitchen, two bathrooms.
766
00:34:46,298 --> 00:34:48,298
I have a room, you have a room,
767
00:34:48,342 --> 00:34:50,592
Miriam has a room, her
children have a room.
768
00:34:50,636 --> 00:34:53,506
And the coup de gr�ce: this whole room
769
00:34:53,555 --> 00:34:55,595
is for our daughter's clothes.
770
00:34:55,641 --> 00:34:59,231
Clothes and clothes
771
00:34:59,269 --> 00:35:01,149
and more clothes and...
772
00:35:01,188 --> 00:35:05,278
I was never a materialistic man, Rose.
773
00:35:05,317 --> 00:35:08,447
I cared about science and thought
774
00:35:08,487 --> 00:35:11,027
and bettering mankind. Now look at me.
775
00:35:11,073 --> 00:35:12,873
I'm wearing two sweaters.
776
00:35:12,908 --> 00:35:14,908
Rose, tell me,
777
00:35:14,952 --> 00:35:16,332
when did I become a man
778
00:35:16,370 --> 00:35:19,330
who needs five bedrooms?
779
00:35:19,373 --> 00:35:23,253
When did I become a man
who-who needs a linen closet?
780
00:35:23,293 --> 00:35:25,503
When did I become a man who has a maid?
781
00:35:25,546 --> 00:35:27,546
When did I change?
782
00:35:27,589 --> 00:35:29,469
When did I become this selfish,
783
00:35:29,508 --> 00:35:31,798
materialistic man?
784
00:35:31,844 --> 00:35:34,854
Th-the kind of man I used to despise.
785
00:35:34,888 --> 00:35:37,388
- When you married me.
- I didn't say that!
786
00:35:37,433 --> 00:35:38,683
Hi, it's me!
787
00:35:38,726 --> 00:35:41,056
I just have to change and
get back to the airfield.
788
00:35:41,103 --> 00:35:42,414
Hey, what happened to my clothes?
789
00:35:42,438 --> 00:35:44,438
Have you worn all these dresses?
790
00:35:44,481 --> 00:35:45,981
- Have I...
- Because I don't think
791
00:35:46,024 --> 00:35:49,364
you've been on Earth long enough
even at a rate of two per day.
792
00:35:49,403 --> 00:35:52,203
- Okay, what is happening?
- What do you mean, "What is happening"?
793
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:53,883
- Have you not been paying attention?
- She never pays attention.
794
00:35:53,907 --> 00:35:55,218
Our whole lives are
going down the toilet.
795
00:35:55,242 --> 00:35:57,542
- Where the hell have you been?
- She's been out.
796
00:35:57,578 --> 00:35:59,055
Doing whatever it is she does at night.
797
00:35:59,079 --> 00:36:00,789
Oh, and I suppose that's my fault, too.
798
00:36:00,831 --> 00:36:02,809
- You know what I'm doing at night.
- If you hadn't met me,
799
00:36:02,833 --> 00:36:04,018
then I wouldn't be Miriam's mother
800
00:36:04,042 --> 00:36:05,687
and she wouldn't be
turning to prostitution
801
00:36:05,711 --> 00:36:07,897
- instead of being married.
- I am not a prostitute. I'm a comic.
802
00:36:07,921 --> 00:36:10,631
- Is there a difference?
- Yes, prostitutes get paid more.
803
00:36:10,674 --> 00:36:11,844
Hilarious.
804
00:36:11,884 --> 00:36:14,184
- You should go into comedy.
- I did.
805
00:36:14,219 --> 00:36:16,599
I can't deal with you now.
I have enough to worry about.
806
00:36:16,638 --> 00:36:18,074
Yes. You have to figure
out where we're gonna live.
807
00:36:18,098 --> 00:36:19,159
- Okay.
- How we're gonna pay for it.
808
00:36:19,183 --> 00:36:20,773
- Enough.
- And the going rate of Zelda.
809
00:36:20,809 --> 00:36:22,912
- So you took it out on my clothes?
- He saved you the trouble.
810
00:36:22,936 --> 00:36:24,896
You have to move them
anyway because this is not
811
00:36:24,938 --> 00:36:28,108
- our home anymore.
- It was never ours. Columbia always owned it.
812
00:36:28,150 --> 00:36:29,690
We would've had to move eventually.
813
00:36:29,735 --> 00:36:32,105
- Yes, when we died.
- Still, a deadline.
814
00:36:32,154 --> 00:36:33,534
- Oh.
- Blue dress, blue dress.
815
00:36:33,572 --> 00:36:36,242
- What are you doing?
- I need a dress for tonight.
816
00:36:36,283 --> 00:36:38,793
You see? Selfish. That's
the daughter that we raised.
817
00:36:38,827 --> 00:36:40,577
Now wait a minute, don't turn
818
00:36:40,621 --> 00:36:42,291
whatever this fight is around on me.
819
00:36:42,331 --> 00:36:44,041
I am hardly the selfish one here.
820
00:36:44,082 --> 00:36:45,712
What does that mean?
821
00:36:45,751 --> 00:36:47,604
I couldn't believe it when
Mama told me what you did.
822
00:36:47,628 --> 00:36:49,838
- What I did when?
- Columbia? Quitting?
823
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,260
Giving up the apartment?
I am still in shock.
824
00:36:52,299 --> 00:36:54,259
That situation has
nothing to do with you.
825
00:36:54,301 --> 00:36:56,181
What are you talking about? I live here.
826
00:36:56,220 --> 00:36:57,640
My children live here.
827
00:36:57,679 --> 00:36:59,282
But you shouldn't be
living here, should you?
828
00:36:59,306 --> 00:37:00,466
You shouldn't be living here,
829
00:37:00,516 --> 00:37:01,743
your children shouldn't be living here.
830
00:37:01,767 --> 00:37:03,203
You should be living with your husband,
831
00:37:03,227 --> 00:37:06,187
- at your own place.
- My husband walked out.
832
00:37:06,230 --> 00:37:07,940
Sure, but then another one walked in.
833
00:37:07,981 --> 00:37:09,191
Yes, a doctor.
834
00:37:09,233 --> 00:37:11,193
What the hell happened
with Benjamin anyway?
835
00:37:11,235 --> 00:37:13,171
- You know what happened with Benjamin.
- No.
836
00:37:13,195 --> 00:37:15,340
- I don't.
- We were looking through magazines, planning menus.
837
00:37:15,364 --> 00:37:17,994
- And I had to sit with him all morning.
- I told you,
838
00:37:18,033 --> 00:37:20,543
- it wasn't right.
- Is it another man?
839
00:37:20,577 --> 00:37:22,036
- No. No.
- No?
840
00:37:22,037 --> 00:37:24,157
- No?
- Seriously, break the logjam.
841
00:37:27,042 --> 00:37:29,042
I'd follow her if I were you.
842
00:37:30,754 --> 00:37:32,634
Mama. Mama, can we please
843
00:37:32,673 --> 00:37:34,933
finish this conversation?
844
00:37:34,967 --> 00:37:38,887
"Dear Upper West Side, thank
you for bringing your umbrella.
845
00:37:38,929 --> 00:37:40,490
I'm at The Den Friday and Saturday night
846
00:37:40,514 --> 00:37:41,933
if you feel like dropping by.
847
00:37:41,934 --> 00:37:44,182
If not, I'll see you next
time I'm in town. Lenny."
848
00:37:44,226 --> 00:37:46,136
- Who is Lenny?
- Lenny's a sissy's name.
849
00:37:46,186 --> 00:37:48,396
- Lenny Bruce.
- Bruce is a thug's name.
850
00:37:48,438 --> 00:37:49,938
- He's a comedian.
- Oh, God.
851
00:37:49,982 --> 00:37:53,611
So this Lenny Bruce is the
reason that you left Benjamin?
852
00:37:53,612 --> 00:37:55,530
- What? No.
- He sends you flowers.
853
00:37:55,612 --> 00:37:56,965
I am not spending the morning with him.
854
00:37:56,989 --> 00:37:58,258
You can tell him that right now.
855
00:37:58,282 --> 00:38:00,616
Will you listen to me? I
said he was just a friend.
856
00:38:00,617 --> 00:38:01,947
I can't believe you dropped a surgeon
857
00:38:01,952 --> 00:38:03,202
to go out with some comedian.
858
00:38:03,245 --> 00:38:05,285
I did not drop Benjamin for Lenny.
859
00:38:05,330 --> 00:38:07,330
You are frivolous and flighty.
860
00:38:07,374 --> 00:38:09,060
And that's what happens
when you let someone
861
00:38:09,084 --> 00:38:10,626
have an entire room for skirts.
862
00:38:10,627 --> 00:38:12,939
Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault
that she's like that, is that it?
863
00:38:12,963 --> 00:38:16,223
I didn't say that, but I
am not her shopping buddy.
864
00:38:16,258 --> 00:38:17,838
Oh, you know what, I've had it.
865
00:38:17,885 --> 00:38:19,715
I'm tired of hearing
my husband of 31 years
866
00:38:19,761 --> 00:38:21,351
blame me for everything.
867
00:38:21,388 --> 00:38:23,348
Blame me because he's
not a freedom fighter.
868
00:38:23,390 --> 00:38:25,270
Blame me because he's not Che Guevara.
869
00:38:25,309 --> 00:38:26,828
That's ridiculous. Che
Guevara isn't Jewish.
870
00:38:26,852 --> 00:38:28,272
I'm sorry, Abe.
871
00:38:28,312 --> 00:38:30,331
I'm sorry that you weren't
there to bring Stalin down.
872
00:38:30,355 --> 00:38:32,015
I'm sorry your hair's not unkempt
873
00:38:32,065 --> 00:38:33,645
and you're not growing a full beard
874
00:38:33,692 --> 00:38:35,652
and you're not fornicating
with syphilitic poets.
875
00:38:35,694 --> 00:38:37,630
I'm sure your beatnik hero
Jack Krack-a-wack must be
876
00:38:37,654 --> 00:38:40,534
- just rife with syphilis.
- Do you mean Jack Kerouac?
877
00:38:40,574 --> 00:38:41,744
- Oh...
- Who?
878
00:38:41,783 --> 00:38:44,123
Jack Kerouac. On the Road?
879
00:38:44,161 --> 00:38:46,251
Oh, for God's sake, you should know him.
880
00:38:46,288 --> 00:38:47,788
- You're young.
- I don't read. I...
881
00:38:47,831 --> 00:38:51,211
How a daughter of mine developed
absolutely no intellectual
882
00:38:51,251 --> 00:38:54,631
or social curiosity or sense
of responsibility is beyond me.
883
00:38:54,671 --> 00:38:56,631
Oh, please. Please.
884
00:38:56,673 --> 00:38:58,843
How dare you double-please me.
885
00:38:58,884 --> 00:39:01,054
You don't even know who Lenny Bruce is.
886
00:39:01,094 --> 00:39:03,604
You blather on and on about free speech.
887
00:39:03,639 --> 00:39:06,219
He's out there getting arrested
in the name of free speech.
888
00:39:06,266 --> 00:39:09,646
He's talking about things no
one has the balls to talk about.
889
00:39:09,686 --> 00:39:11,936
You put down comedy and what I do.
890
00:39:11,980 --> 00:39:14,150
You don't even know
what goes on out there.
891
00:39:14,191 --> 00:39:15,781
This guy is the real deal,
892
00:39:15,817 --> 00:39:18,487
but you just scoff and
pretend that he's nothing.
893
00:39:18,528 --> 00:39:19,908
That is ignorant.
894
00:39:19,947 --> 00:39:21,737
You are ignorant.
895
00:39:21,782 --> 00:39:23,372
Found my dress.
896
00:39:24,868 --> 00:39:26,868
Well, you can wear that,
it's been on the floor...
897
00:39:26,912 --> 00:39:29,582
it needs to be steamed.
898
00:39:29,623 --> 00:39:31,713
And you quit your piano lessons!
899
00:39:31,750 --> 00:39:34,630
- When I was eight!
- You just quit. You're a quitter.
900
00:39:34,670 --> 00:39:36,170
I hated piano.
901
00:39:36,213 --> 00:39:39,053
Of course you hated piano...
didn't come with a costume.
902
00:39:39,091 --> 00:39:42,301
I was a terrible player.
The neighbors complained.
903
00:39:42,344 --> 00:39:45,514
- My teacher used earplugs.
- But you should not have quit.
904
00:39:45,555 --> 00:39:48,385
That sets the tone for an entire life.
905
00:39:48,433 --> 00:39:50,443
I have to go. I have to work.
906
00:39:50,477 --> 00:39:53,017
Ah. You quit piano,
you quit your marriage,
907
00:39:53,063 --> 00:39:55,523
you quit Benjamin. I
wouldn't be surprised
908
00:39:55,565 --> 00:39:58,025
if you quit this comedy thing, too.
909
00:39:59,069 --> 00:40:00,859
Never.
910
00:40:23,135 --> 00:40:25,755
- So this is it.
- How do you already have keys?
911
00:40:25,762 --> 00:40:27,642
I signed the lease,
they gave me the keys.
912
00:40:27,681 --> 00:40:29,731
Joel Maisel, strikes a hard bargain.
913
00:40:29,766 --> 00:40:31,266
- Let it be known!
- How much?
914
00:40:31,309 --> 00:40:33,649
- $500 a month. It's a steal.
- Hey!
915
00:40:33,687 --> 00:40:35,977
- You've already got a bar.
- And a stage.
916
00:40:36,023 --> 00:40:38,001
Probably needs shoring up,
but the layout's perfect.
917
00:40:38,025 --> 00:40:39,475
What's with all the buttons?
918
00:40:39,526 --> 00:40:41,526
One of my dad's suppliers
was using it as storage.
919
00:40:41,570 --> 00:40:43,006
That's how I heard about this place.
920
00:40:43,030 --> 00:40:44,910
Buttons, buttons...
921
00:40:44,948 --> 00:40:46,408
The Button Club. There's your name.
922
00:40:46,450 --> 00:40:48,290
Looks like I found my creative director.
923
00:40:48,326 --> 00:40:50,179
- I don't come cheap.
- That's not what I heard.
924
00:40:50,203 --> 00:40:52,043
I think you got a
bargain, buddy. Really.
925
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:54,620
Timing's good, too. Mom
and Pop are in a good place,
926
00:40:54,666 --> 00:40:56,626
and with my divorce
getting finalized now...
927
00:40:56,668 --> 00:40:59,048
- Aw, shit.
- Nah, it's fine. It's good.
928
00:40:59,087 --> 00:41:02,587
- Really. It's a new beginning.
- Okay. So when do we start?
929
00:41:02,632 --> 00:41:05,262
- We?
- I'm your creative director. Try and stop me.
930
00:41:05,302 --> 00:41:07,155
Unless you're Imogene,
who will try and stop me.
931
00:41:07,179 --> 00:41:09,349
We'll need a couple of crowbars,
932
00:41:09,389 --> 00:41:12,389
a ton of sandpaper...
933
00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:19,820
- Joel?
- I don't know.
934
00:41:19,858 --> 00:41:22,188
- Where does that door go?
- I never saw that door.
935
00:41:22,235 --> 00:41:25,155
You leased a space with
a scary mystery door?
936
00:41:25,197 --> 00:41:26,737
No. Yes.
937
00:41:26,782 --> 00:41:28,032
I don't know.
938
00:42:07,948 --> 00:42:09,908
- Archie?
- I don't know.
939
00:42:09,950 --> 00:42:12,910
- Shit. Shit!
- You can say that again.
940
00:42:12,953 --> 00:42:15,083
I've already signed a
lease. I've put money down.
941
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:20,960
Hi.
942
00:42:20,961 --> 00:42:21,961
- Hi.
- Hello.
943
00:42:21,962 --> 00:42:23,342
You the new tenants?
944
00:42:23,380 --> 00:42:25,149
I'm the new tenant. What the
hell is going on in there?
945
00:42:25,173 --> 00:42:27,013
- Where?
- Behind you, in there.
946
00:42:27,050 --> 00:42:28,590
Nothing. What's your name?
947
00:42:28,635 --> 00:42:30,215
Forget my name. What is that?
948
00:42:30,262 --> 00:42:32,062
- Who are those people?
- Family gathering.
949
00:42:32,097 --> 00:42:33,927
- Really? Your family?
- Yup.
950
00:42:33,974 --> 00:42:35,484
- Yup. Yup.
- All of them?
951
00:42:35,517 --> 00:42:37,437
- The guy serving drinks?
- My cousin.
952
00:42:37,477 --> 00:42:39,205
- He was wearing a name tag.
- I have a lot of cousins.
953
00:42:39,229 --> 00:42:40,623
Those people in there are gambling.
954
00:42:40,647 --> 00:42:43,277
- What? No.
- We saw dice, we saw cards.
955
00:42:43,316 --> 00:42:44,526
They're throwing cash around.
956
00:42:44,568 --> 00:42:46,898
I always liked this
space. What's it gonna be?
957
00:42:46,945 --> 00:42:48,985
A club. Look, don't change the subject.
958
00:42:49,030 --> 00:42:50,320
I need to know what's going on.
959
00:42:50,365 --> 00:42:52,176
I don't want to get tied
up in something illegal.
960
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,370
Nobody's gonna tie you
up. What kind of club?
961
00:42:54,411 --> 00:42:56,621
I signed a lease, I made a deposit.
962
00:42:56,663 --> 00:43:00,083
You know, a long time ago,
this was a club. A magic club.
963
00:43:00,125 --> 00:43:03,335
One night, the guy
made a woman disappear.
964
00:43:03,378 --> 00:43:04,798
No one ever found her again.
965
00:43:04,838 --> 00:43:07,338
Wait, what? Something happened to her?
966
00:43:07,382 --> 00:43:09,222
No, he was just a really bad magician.
967
00:43:09,259 --> 00:43:10,778
- Listen...
- Or maybe a really good one.
968
00:43:10,802 --> 00:43:12,392
No, that is not a true story,
969
00:43:12,429 --> 00:43:14,809
just like a family gathering
is not a true story.
970
00:43:14,848 --> 00:43:17,808
- That is not your cousin.
- Okay, so it's been nice talking to you.
971
00:43:17,851 --> 00:43:19,328
You shouldn't come
through this door again.
972
00:43:19,352 --> 00:43:22,402
- Wait.
- Leave us alone, we'll leave you alone.
973
00:43:22,439 --> 00:43:24,229
Or what... I'll disappear?
974
00:43:24,274 --> 00:43:26,114
Well, that's silly.
975
00:43:26,151 --> 00:43:28,151
I'm not a magician.
976
00:43:31,698 --> 00:43:32,948
Shit.
977
00:43:32,991 --> 00:43:35,201
Buddy, it's fine.
978
00:43:35,243 --> 00:43:36,583
We leave them alone,
979
00:43:36,620 --> 00:43:38,500
they'll leave us alone.
980
00:43:44,669 --> 00:43:46,249
Mmm. Mmm.
981
00:43:48,298 --> 00:43:50,628
I quit.
982
00:43:50,675 --> 00:43:52,675
* The moon was *
983
00:43:52,719 --> 00:43:56,219
* All aglow *
984
00:43:56,264 --> 00:44:00,104
* And heaven was in your eyes... *
985
00:44:01,686 --> 00:44:04,476
I'm... I'm here to see Lenny Bruce.
986
00:44:04,522 --> 00:44:07,532
$2.50 cover, two drink minimum.
987
00:44:07,567 --> 00:44:09,147
Well, all right, and...
988
00:44:09,194 --> 00:44:11,744
that's if you drink both drinks,
989
00:44:11,780 --> 00:44:14,450
or just in general?
990
00:44:14,491 --> 00:44:16,281
In general.
991
00:44:16,326 --> 00:44:18,326
Okay.
992
00:44:20,413 --> 00:44:24,213
* The night that you told me *
993
00:44:24,251 --> 00:44:26,381
* Those little white. *
994
00:44:26,419 --> 00:44:29,759
Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce.
995
00:44:36,429 --> 00:44:37,809
Thank you.
996
00:44:37,847 --> 00:44:40,017
Oh, that's a very nice welcome.
997
00:44:40,058 --> 00:44:43,058
Uh, did any of you happen to catch me
998
00:44:43,103 --> 00:44:44,733
on The Steve Allen Show?
999
00:44:44,771 --> 00:44:46,401
Yeah.
1000
00:44:46,439 --> 00:44:48,019
I cleaned up very nicely,
1001
00:44:48,066 --> 00:44:51,106
if I do say so myself. I, uh...
1002
00:44:51,152 --> 00:44:54,662
I sang a little song, I offended no one.
1003
00:44:56,241 --> 00:44:59,081
You see, often I am billed at nightclubs
1004
00:44:59,119 --> 00:45:00,869
with a sign that says,
1005
00:45:00,912 --> 00:45:03,292
"For Adults Only."
1006
00:45:03,331 --> 00:45:07,171
I am very interested in the
motivation for that billing.
1007
00:45:07,210 --> 00:45:10,300
I must assume that "for adults only"
1008
00:45:10,338 --> 00:45:14,128
means that my point of
view would be a deterrent
1009
00:45:14,175 --> 00:45:16,505
to the development of
a well-adjusted member
1010
00:45:16,553 --> 00:45:18,223
of the community.
1011
00:45:18,263 --> 00:45:21,893
See, the argument is a child will ape
1012
00:45:21,933 --> 00:45:23,893
the actions of an actor.
1013
00:45:23,935 --> 00:45:26,595
What he sees now in his formative years,
1014
00:45:26,646 --> 00:45:28,516
he may do as an adult,
1015
00:45:28,565 --> 00:45:31,605
so then we must be very careful
1016
00:45:31,651 --> 00:45:34,491
what we let the child see.
1017
00:45:34,529 --> 00:45:39,405
So then I would rather
my kid see a stag film
1018
00:45:39,451 --> 00:45:42,541
than The Ten Commandments
or The King of Kings,
1019
00:45:42,579 --> 00:45:46,459
because I don't want my kids to
kill Christ when he comes back.
1020
00:45:48,126 --> 00:45:49,979
Well, that's what they
see in those pictures...
1021
00:45:50,003 --> 00:45:52,303
that violence.
1022
00:45:52,339 --> 00:45:56,259
Well, let me just take your
kids to a dirty movie then.
1023
00:45:56,301 --> 00:45:59,101
All right kids, uh, sit down now,
1024
00:45:59,137 --> 00:46:00,847
the picture's about to start.
1025
00:46:00,889 --> 00:46:04,309
Oh, it's not like Psycho,
with lots of four-letter words,
1026
00:46:04,351 --> 00:46:08,061
like, "kill" and "maim" and "hurt."
1027
00:46:08,104 --> 00:46:11,574
No, it's a dirty movie. Okay.
1028
00:46:11,608 --> 00:46:14,688
A couple is coming
in now, and, uh... Oh.
1029
00:46:14,736 --> 00:46:17,106
The guy is picking up the pillow.
1030
00:46:17,155 --> 00:46:19,695
Oh, he'll probably smother her with it,
1031
00:46:19,741 --> 00:46:22,161
that'll be a good opening.
1032
00:46:22,202 --> 00:46:25,912
Oh, the degenerate, he's
putting it under her ass.
1033
00:46:25,955 --> 00:46:28,535
Jesus.
1034
00:46:28,583 --> 00:46:30,923
Oh, I hate to show
this crap to you kids.
1035
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:33,000
Uh... Oh, right,
1036
00:46:33,046 --> 00:46:35,546
now he's raising his hand.
1037
00:46:35,590 --> 00:46:38,390
He'll probably strike her, and, uh...
1038
00:46:38,426 --> 00:46:41,506
Nope, he's caressing her
1039
00:46:41,554 --> 00:46:44,524
and kissing her.
1040
00:46:44,557 --> 00:46:47,227
Oh, this is disgusting.
1041
00:46:47,268 --> 00:46:49,808
All right, now he's
kissing her some more,
1042
00:46:49,854 --> 00:46:52,274
and, uh... Oh, she's saying something.
1043
00:46:52,315 --> 00:46:55,645
Uh, she'll probably scream
at him, "Get out of here!"
1044
00:46:55,693 --> 00:46:58,663
No, no, she's saying,
1045
00:46:58,696 --> 00:47:01,566
"I love you. I'm coming."
1046
00:47:03,993 --> 00:47:06,043
Oh, kids, I'm sorry
1047
00:47:06,079 --> 00:47:08,159
that I had to show
you anything like this.
1048
00:47:08,206 --> 00:47:09,916
God knows it'll be on my conscience
1049
00:47:09,958 --> 00:47:12,168
for the rest of my life.
1050
00:47:12,210 --> 00:47:14,550
I never did see one stag film
1051
00:47:14,587 --> 00:47:16,167
where anyone got killed in the end,
1052
00:47:16,214 --> 00:47:17,974
or even slapped in the mouth,
1053
00:47:18,007 --> 00:47:21,927
or where there was any
Communist propaganda.
1054
00:47:21,970 --> 00:47:25,430
I can tell from the body language
1055
00:47:25,473 --> 00:47:28,523
the police think the show's
about to get interesting.
1056
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:30,730
Did you see me on Steve Allen?
1057
00:47:30,770 --> 00:47:32,980
No.
1058
00:47:33,022 --> 00:47:34,732
Ah, well.
1059
00:47:34,774 --> 00:47:36,864
That's too bad, you
would've liked it. Uh...
1060
00:47:37,902 --> 00:47:41,162
Okay, so I want to point out
1061
00:47:41,197 --> 00:47:43,617
the "God made the body" paradox
1062
00:47:43,658 --> 00:47:45,948
of the decent people who would object
1063
00:47:45,994 --> 00:47:49,794
to this, uh, groovy-looking chick.
1064
00:47:49,831 --> 00:47:53,251
Now, if I'm dressing,
1065
00:47:53,293 --> 00:47:55,173
and I see that chick there,
1066
00:47:55,211 --> 00:47:58,671
Miss September, across
the way, I'm gonna look.
1067
00:47:58,715 --> 00:48:01,335
- That's it, Bruce.
- But, see, in our society,
1068
00:48:01,384 --> 00:48:04,304
it's pull down the shade and
charge two bucks to get in.
1069
00:48:04,345 --> 00:48:06,845
- Let's go, now.
- That's what repression does.
1070
00:48:06,890 --> 00:48:09,850
The obscenity law, when
everything else boils away, is
1071
00:48:09,893 --> 00:48:11,773
does it appeal to the prurient interest?
1072
00:48:11,811 --> 00:48:13,941
Well, I want to know
what's wrong with appealing
1073
00:48:13,980 --> 00:48:16,440
to the prurient interest.
No, I really want
1074
00:48:16,483 --> 00:48:18,443
the Supreme Court to
stand up and tell me
1075
00:48:18,485 --> 00:48:20,315
that fucking is dirty and no good.
1076
00:48:23,323 --> 00:48:24,573
All right, I'm coming.
1077
00:48:24,616 --> 00:48:26,526
I'm coming.
1078
00:48:26,576 --> 00:48:29,536
You actually let me get a lot
farther that time, thank you.
1079
00:48:29,579 --> 00:48:31,579
Yeah, let's go.
1080
00:48:34,167 --> 00:48:36,247
Here, you take it.
1081
00:48:36,294 --> 00:48:38,964
A-Are they arresting him?
Wait, are you arresting him?
1082
00:48:39,005 --> 00:48:41,585
- Sit down, sir.
- B... b... but you... you can't do that.
1083
00:48:41,633 --> 00:48:43,513
- He... he's just talking.
- I mean it.
1084
00:48:43,551 --> 00:48:46,641
Look, I understand you don't
like it. I don't either, really.
1085
00:48:46,679 --> 00:48:50,269
It was obscene, repulsive,
that girl was clearly very cold.
1086
00:48:50,308 --> 00:48:51,678
Who wants to see that?
1087
00:48:51,726 --> 00:48:54,686
But that's not really
for you to decide, is it?
1088
00:48:54,729 --> 00:48:56,529
Listen to the man, he's
wearing two sweaters.
1089
00:48:56,564 --> 00:48:58,574
I'm telling you for the
last time, sir, sit down.
1090
00:48:58,608 --> 00:49:01,398
I won't sit down. I
don't have to sit down.
1091
00:49:01,444 --> 00:49:03,704
I have the right to stand, don't I?
1092
00:49:03,738 --> 00:49:07,198
Wh... what, i... is standing
and talking illegal now?
1093
00:49:07,242 --> 00:49:09,412
- Or just standing?
- Okay, you want to come, too?
1094
00:49:09,452 --> 00:49:12,792
Right. How about leaning?
Where do you land on leaning?
1095
00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:25,430
Gandhi went to jail.
1096
00:49:25,468 --> 00:49:29,218
Galileo died under house arrest.
Emma Goldman was deported.
1097
00:49:29,264 --> 00:49:32,064
I just tell jokes, man, that's all.
1098
00:49:33,268 --> 00:49:34,688
You misspoke, though.
1099
00:49:35,812 --> 00:49:37,612
I'm sorry?
1100
00:49:37,647 --> 00:49:39,397
You called the woman Miss September.
1101
00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:40,650
She was Miss December.
1102
00:49:40,692 --> 00:49:42,692
Oh, yeah?
1103
00:49:42,735 --> 00:49:44,315
Yeah. There was a wreath
1104
00:49:44,362 --> 00:49:46,742
in the lower left corner.
1105
00:49:49,701 --> 00:49:52,331
I think you still made
your point, though.
1106
00:49:55,039 --> 00:49:57,789
The flowers were very nice, by the way.
1107
00:50:00,587 --> 00:50:02,108
- Are you in?
- Yeah, I'm in.
1108
00:50:02,109 --> 00:50:03,419
- Me, too.
- I'm out.
1109
00:50:03,420 --> 00:50:04,469
Oh, such a girl.
1110
00:50:04,507 --> 00:50:05,677
Give me one.
1111
00:50:05,717 --> 00:50:07,361
So who else do you
know? Annette Funicello?
1112
00:50:07,385 --> 00:50:08,545
- No.
- Give me three.
1113
00:50:08,595 --> 00:50:09,755
- Barbara Stanwyck?
- Nope.
1114
00:50:09,804 --> 00:50:10,974
Ava Gardner?
1115
00:50:11,014 --> 00:50:13,524
No, guys, no. I don't
know people like that.
1116
00:50:13,558 --> 00:50:16,098
- But you're in show business.
- We don't all hang out together.
1117
00:50:16,144 --> 00:50:17,694
Do you know Jayne Mansfield?
1118
00:50:17,729 --> 00:50:20,059
Actually, her I know.
She's my cat's godmother.
1119
00:50:20,106 --> 00:50:21,316
Really?
1120
00:50:21,357 --> 00:50:23,737
No. Jesus. You guys are so gullible.
1121
00:50:23,776 --> 00:50:26,146
- I'm out.
- Hey, Myerson.
1122
00:50:26,195 --> 00:50:28,155
Your girl's back and
she's looking for you.
1123
00:50:28,197 --> 00:50:30,657
Shit. Okay, I got to go.
1124
00:50:30,700 --> 00:50:32,330
Hey, listen, I have three of a kind,
1125
00:50:32,368 --> 00:50:34,868
so if you can beat
that, the pot's yours.
1126
00:50:34,912 --> 00:50:37,962
Ah, I got nothing!
1127
00:50:37,999 --> 00:50:39,209
Hey!
1128
00:50:43,004 --> 00:50:45,884
* Do do-do do do-do do wop wop *
1129
00:50:45,923 --> 00:50:48,383
* Do do-do do do do wop wop *
1130
00:50:48,426 --> 00:50:50,966
* Do do-do do do do wop wop *
1131
00:50:51,012 --> 00:50:53,222
* Do-do-do wop wop, do do *
1132
00:50:53,264 --> 00:50:55,984
* You don't have to be pretty *
1133
00:50:56,017 --> 00:50:58,097
* You don't have to wear fine clothes *
1134
00:50:58,144 --> 00:51:00,154
* All you gotta do is just walk along... *
1135
00:51:00,188 --> 00:51:02,068
- Hey.
- Where have you been?
1136
00:51:02,106 --> 00:51:04,726
I've been here so long, I almost
had to go home and change again.
1137
00:51:04,776 --> 00:51:06,486
- It's a good outfit.
- Thanks.
1138
00:51:06,527 --> 00:51:08,237
- Where's Shy?
- I don't know.
1139
00:51:08,279 --> 00:51:10,319
I don't see him or any
of the band here yet.
1140
00:51:10,365 --> 00:51:12,575
Well, maybe they tell time like you do.
1141
00:51:12,617 --> 00:51:14,907
Uh, Mitchell, where's everyone else?
1142
00:51:14,952 --> 00:51:16,002
Everyone who?
1143
00:51:16,037 --> 00:51:17,037
Shy. The band.
1144
00:51:17,038 --> 00:51:18,328
Oh, they're not coming.
1145
00:51:18,373 --> 00:51:19,600
What do you mean they're not coming?
1146
00:51:19,624 --> 00:51:20,684
This is a dance for the boys.
1147
00:51:20,708 --> 00:51:21,708
We didn't need a band.
1148
00:51:21,709 --> 00:51:23,589
- But you told me to be here.
- I know.
1149
00:51:23,628 --> 00:51:25,356
We needed to make sure there
were enough girls to go around.
1150
00:51:25,380 --> 00:51:26,774
You know, a room full of sure things.
1151
00:51:26,798 --> 00:51:27,918
What are you talking about?
1152
00:51:27,965 --> 00:51:29,005
Well, the base is far.
1153
00:51:29,050 --> 00:51:30,110
We have to ship girls in from Jersey.
1154
00:51:30,134 --> 00:51:31,445
Another busload should be arriving soon
1155
00:51:31,469 --> 00:51:32,946
if you're worried about the workload.
1156
00:51:32,970 --> 00:51:35,600
I'm sorry, what exactly do you
expect me to do with these guys?
1157
00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:37,020
Dance. Just dance.
1158
00:51:37,058 --> 00:51:38,848
She's not a dancer.
She's a goddamn comic.
1159
00:51:38,893 --> 00:51:41,121
Yes, but, unfortunately, she's
also extremely attractive.
1160
00:51:41,145 --> 00:51:42,855
Well, that is very flattering.
1161
00:51:42,897 --> 00:51:44,437
And I did take ballet as a girl.
1162
00:51:44,482 --> 00:51:46,032
Hey. Do not let that sway you.
1163
00:51:46,067 --> 00:51:47,857
- Stay mad.
- It's her patriotic duty.
1164
00:51:47,902 --> 00:51:49,202
Look around.
1165
00:51:49,237 --> 00:51:50,923
Ten percent of these boys
are gonna wind up dead.
1166
00:51:50,947 --> 00:51:52,277
You're not even at war.
1167
00:51:52,323 --> 00:51:53,884
What, are they gonna
have a car accident?
1168
00:51:53,908 --> 00:51:56,038
Trip on the tarmac and
get run over by a plane?
1169
00:51:56,077 --> 00:51:57,287
Happened twice.
1170
00:51:57,328 --> 00:51:59,288
Ah, great. The bus.
1171
00:51:59,330 --> 00:52:01,120
Well, this isn't humiliating at all.
1172
00:52:01,165 --> 00:52:02,625
I say let's go.
1173
00:52:02,667 --> 00:52:03,917
No, it's a dance.
1174
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:05,840
For the boys. I can dance.
1175
00:52:05,878 --> 00:52:08,758
Geez, what part of Jersey
are these woofers from?
1176
00:52:08,798 --> 00:52:11,508
You are gonna be very popular tonight.
1177
00:52:11,551 --> 00:52:13,181
You think that punch is spiked?
1178
00:52:13,219 --> 00:52:15,179
It is now.
1179
00:52:15,221 --> 00:52:17,681
Hey, listen, uh...
1180
00:52:17,724 --> 00:52:19,524
before you completely debase yourself
1181
00:52:19,559 --> 00:52:21,099
- for your country...
- Mm.
1182
00:52:21,144 --> 00:52:23,104
there's something I need to tell you.
1183
00:52:23,146 --> 00:52:25,856
Is it that I'm unfortunately
extremely attractive?
1184
00:52:25,898 --> 00:52:27,648
It is not.
1185
00:52:29,485 --> 00:52:30,775
I have a chance,
1186
00:52:30,820 --> 00:52:32,320
an opportunity to do something.
1187
00:52:32,363 --> 00:52:33,363
It's pretty big.
1188
00:52:33,364 --> 00:52:34,704
Ooh. Exciting. What?
1189
00:52:34,741 --> 00:52:37,291
I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon.
1190
00:52:37,326 --> 00:52:39,246
- Who?
- Sophie Lennon.
1191
00:52:39,287 --> 00:52:41,207
- You're gonna...
- Manage Sophie Lennon.
1192
00:52:41,247 --> 00:52:43,457
- This is a joke, right?
- Hey, let's dance!
1193
00:52:46,002 --> 00:52:48,132
* You can put a wiggle
in a shimmy sack... *
1194
00:52:48,171 --> 00:52:50,551
Christ. Move.
1195
00:52:50,590 --> 00:52:53,130
* Now, listen to me, little girl *
1196
00:52:53,176 --> 00:52:55,466
* You're as cute as you can be *
1197
00:52:55,511 --> 00:52:57,030
* But forget all about
your beauty, girl... *
1198
00:52:57,054 --> 00:52:58,724
Tell me it's a fucking joke.
1199
00:52:58,765 --> 00:53:00,242
- Hey, where'd you go?
- Jesus. No, it's not...
1200
00:53:00,266 --> 00:53:03,136
* Do do-do do do-do do wop wop *
1201
00:53:03,186 --> 00:53:05,556
* Do do-do do do-do do wop wop *
1202
00:53:05,605 --> 00:53:07,265
* Do-do-do do do do... *
1203
00:53:07,315 --> 00:53:08,834
Because, clearly, it
has got to be a joke.
1204
00:53:08,858 --> 00:53:10,335
- There is no way you could
- Let's go!
1205
00:53:10,359 --> 00:53:12,739
seriously be telling me that you are...
1206
00:53:12,779 --> 00:53:15,529
Excuse me. Please stop.
1207
00:53:15,573 --> 00:53:17,073
Look.
1208
00:53:17,116 --> 00:53:18,826
Look, I-I know this is a shock,
1209
00:53:18,868 --> 00:53:20,158
and I get why you'd be mad.
1210
00:53:20,203 --> 00:53:21,333
Uh, mad? Oh, no, I'm not...
1211
00:53:21,370 --> 00:53:22,410
Stop.
1212
00:53:22,455 --> 00:53:23,575
I'm not mad.
1213
00:53:23,623 --> 00:53:25,333
I am too angry to be mad.
1214
00:53:25,374 --> 00:53:26,544
That doesn't make sense.
1215
00:53:26,584 --> 00:53:28,714
Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy.
1216
00:53:28,753 --> 00:53:30,133
Hey, maybe don't say "sworn enemy"
1217
00:53:30,171 --> 00:53:31,801
- in a room full of soldiers.
- Susie.
1218
00:53:31,839 --> 00:53:33,799
I didn't go looking for this, okay?
1219
00:53:33,841 --> 00:53:36,301
She summoned me to her house,
and I only went because of you.
1220
00:53:36,344 --> 00:53:37,804
- Me?
- Yes.
1221
00:53:37,845 --> 00:53:39,635
I wanted to try to smooth shit over
1222
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:40,930
so she'd stop messing with you.
1223
00:53:40,932 --> 00:53:42,326
And the next thing I
knew, she's talking to me
1224
00:53:42,350 --> 00:53:44,480
about how I defended
you, how I fought for you,
1225
00:53:44,519 --> 00:53:45,954
and she wants me to do that for her.
1226
00:53:45,978 --> 00:53:48,268
That psychotic giraffe of a woman
1227
00:53:48,314 --> 00:53:51,284
has been trying to
destroy me for a year.
1228
00:53:51,317 --> 00:53:52,527
I know. I was there.
1229
00:53:52,568 --> 00:53:54,448
She's a nightmare. A monster. A hack.
1230
00:53:54,487 --> 00:53:55,817
She hates me.
1231
00:53:55,863 --> 00:53:58,203
Hey, Sophie is a big star.
1232
00:53:58,241 --> 00:54:00,201
You understand? This is business.
1233
00:54:00,243 --> 00:54:03,043
You want me to turn
down a giant opportunity?
1234
00:54:03,079 --> 00:54:05,209
- Yes.
- Okay, then what was all that
1235
00:54:05,248 --> 00:54:07,038
Susie Myerson and
Associates bullshit, huh?
1236
00:54:07,083 --> 00:54:08,252
That was your idea.
1237
00:54:08,253 --> 00:54:09,841
I mean, if you are my only client,
1238
00:54:09,877 --> 00:54:11,855
then what are all these other
associates gonna be doing?
1239
00:54:11,879 --> 00:54:13,258
Helping you pick out your hats?
1240
00:54:13,259 --> 00:54:14,626
If I am gonna do this,
1241
00:54:14,674 --> 00:54:15,974
then I have to do this.
1242
00:54:16,008 --> 00:54:17,468
And what am I supposed to do?
1243
00:54:17,510 --> 00:54:19,890
Just forget the fact that
she had me blackballed
1244
00:54:19,929 --> 00:54:21,599
from every club in town?
1245
00:54:21,639 --> 00:54:23,809
If I'm her manager,
I'm sure that will stop.
1246
00:54:23,850 --> 00:54:26,310
Are you kidding me?
1247
00:54:26,352 --> 00:54:28,562
Look, my apartment is $40 a month,
1248
00:54:28,604 --> 00:54:30,654
and I have to sublet it to Jackie.
1249
00:54:30,690 --> 00:54:33,480
To Jackie... a man that will
definitely sit bare-assed
1250
00:54:33,526 --> 00:54:35,066
on my one leather chair.
1251
00:54:35,111 --> 00:54:36,281
There's no choice there.
1252
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:37,950
I can't afford not to.
1253
00:54:37,989 --> 00:54:39,949
When you make $4,000, I make $400.
1254
00:54:39,991 --> 00:54:41,671
And in case you're
wondering, that's less.
1255
00:54:41,701 --> 00:54:43,541
- Fuck you.
- This changes nothing.
1256
00:54:43,578 --> 00:54:47,208
- Conga!
- I... You are still everything to me,
1257
00:54:47,248 --> 00:54:49,128
but I can't go around
calling myself a manager
1258
00:54:49,166 --> 00:54:50,956
if I'm not gonna act like a manager.
1259
00:54:51,002 --> 00:54:53,002
So you are definitely doing this?
1260
00:54:53,045 --> 00:54:54,705
I have to.
1261
00:54:56,090 --> 00:54:58,090
Oh! Oh...
1262
00:54:59,886 --> 00:55:02,096
Oh! Oh!
1263
00:55:03,139 --> 00:55:04,309
Oh!
1264
00:55:11,063 --> 00:55:13,073
Abe Weissman.
1265
00:55:35,796 --> 00:55:37,756
Wait.
1266
00:55:37,798 --> 00:55:39,258
What?
1267
00:55:48,225 --> 00:55:49,345
You bailed me out?
1268
00:55:49,393 --> 00:55:50,393
Yes.
1269
00:55:50,394 --> 00:55:51,394
Well, she...
1270
00:55:51,395 --> 00:55:52,765
I bailed you out.
1271
00:55:52,813 --> 00:55:55,233
Okay.
1272
00:56:00,821 --> 00:56:02,821
Thanks.
1273
00:56:04,575 --> 00:56:06,825
I thanked him for the flowers.
1274
00:56:20,216 --> 00:56:25,216
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
94486
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