All language subtitles for That.Awkward.Moment.2014.720p.BluRay.x264.[YTS.MX]-English

It's 2:18 in the morning
in the middle of February.

I've been sitting on a park bench
for almost four hours.

I'm fucking freezing.

Why am I sitting here?

Why am I still sitting on this bench?

You know, it's probably best if I rewind.

If I back up and explain.

Every relationship arrives
at a critical moment,

a juncture,

between moving forward and moving on.

I call that moment the "so."

So...

Where is this going, then?

I think you're a... Like...
I think you're amazing.

I think you're an amazing girl. I...

- I think you're an amazing person.
- No.

I'm breaking up with you.

- I have to.
- You're breaking up?

I'm sorry, Jason,
I need somebody who's ready.

I need somebody who doesn't drink coffee
out of a cereal bowl.

- What?
- And has a bed frame.

I wasn't confused because
she was breaking up with me.

I'm so late for work.

I was confused because
I had no idea we were dating.

I'm not even close to the guy you need.

The guy you deserve.

Like... I'm...

And I'm so sorry that I can't be that guy.

In her defense, we'd been having sex, like,
once a week for six weeks.

I'm so late for work.

But in my defense, that's a hookup
approaching the seeing stage.

I'm sorry, Jason.

No. I understand.

I understand.

And what I understood was, at that moment,

we were definitely not dating.

- Dude, did you get my message?
- Man, I left, like, 10 minutes ago...

Come on, man. You're late.
Look, what have you been doing?

What have I been doing?
Christy just broke up with me.

Oh, man. Who's Christy?

Vera, you home?

I didn't know we had company.

You're home early.

Yeah, I skipped the gym.

This is my lawyer.

Oh, your lawyer.

Actually, he's a very good lawyer.

Is everything okay?

So your wife said that
she was having intense sex?

Yes, intense.

I can't believe she said, "intense."

That's what she said.
With a guy named Harold.

And while she said this,
her lawyer was just sitting there?

He looked like Morris Chestnut.

Who the fuck is Morris Chestnut?

From Boyz n the Hood.

- Ricky?
- Yeah.

Dude, I love Ricky.

Not anymore.

Who the fuck looks like Morris Chestnut?

- Yeah. That's not a strong look.
- Her lawyer.

Her lawyer looks like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, and he was just sitting there
on the couch?

Yeah, why was he just sitting there
on the couch?

'Cause she wants a divorce.

- That's...
- Fuck, man.

- Are you kidding me?
- I'm sorry.

And here's the kicker,
her lawyer, the guy sitting there,

the guy that looks like Morris Chestnut,
is the guy she's having sex with.

- Harold?
- Harold!

Fuck Harold.

Oh, man.

Did... Did he say anything?

He said he liked my shoes.

- What?
- He said what?

He said he liked my shoes.

Well...

He's not wrong. They're cool shoes.

What the fuck, man? I don't deserve this.

I don't know what we're going to do, man.

We need to get him a hooker.

We can't afford a hooker.

Yeah, we can use a coupon.
Get him a cheap hooker. It's Mikey.

- No, we're not.
- Look. "East Village girls for hire."

- No.
- Right there.

- No.
- Yeah.

According to this article,

most of the bars on the East Side
are filled with hookers.

You know what I love about you

is that you literally believe
every single thing that you read.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

It's like you're nine years old.

No, no. They're like young, cool hookers.

They dress like hipsters and shit.

And I'm telling you that
I highly doubt that that is the case.

Then why would it be in a magazine?

I don't know.

Read it.

"She dresses like
any other pretty young thing,

"knee-high boots strewn about the floor,

"and a drawer filled
to the hilt with condoms

"seemed the only indication
of her sideline occupation."

How awesome is that?

Hey guys. It's Fred.

Hey, Fred.

You know it's not a phone. Right?

You're actually here, Fred. We can see you.

Totally.

So you're due to present
on the Silverman book.

So...

You guys are prepared? Right?

We'll be in there.

That's a blank board.

That's a gold mine.

I mean, we gave you stacks of examples.

You mean these. Right?

What you're seeing there is exactly
what you're gonna see everywhere else.

And we can deliver that.

But when we're talking about
The Unexpectable Princess...

- Which is a great title.
- It's a wonderful, wonderful title.

But still, it's drowning
in a sea of boring pastel.

That's not what you want.

And that's not what you need.

I think I know what you need.

I think he does.

A book's cover should hint at the story.

But not give away too much.

This is about wish fulfillment.

Black and white. Cool and spare.

Now, a recent study using MRIs

showed that women's brains
lit up like fireworks

when they were showed pictures of...

A penis.

What?

- No. No.
- No.

- No.
- No.

No.

Women's brains lit up like fireworks

when they were showed pictures of

- shoes.
- Shoes.

Shoes.

And nothing says wish fulfillment
like Christian Louboutin.

Ask any girl in the room.

I love it.

Dude, are you taking a shit in there?

Absolutely not.

Every time you come over,
you take a shit in there.

I'm not taking a shit.
I'm using self-tanner.

Self-tanner?

Yeah. I told that assistant at Vogue
I couldn't hang out 'cause I was in Toulon.

Trying to phase her out of my roster.

Also, I am taking a shit.

Every time.

You did the retrieve? Huh?

I just grabbed whatever I could.

- Yo, Mikey!
- Were you taking a shit in there?

- Yep.
- Jesus! Every time.

- We're going the fuck out.
- Is that ice cream?

You bought ice cream, Mike?
Come on.

Yeah. It's peanut butter chocolate.

That's a great flavor. Let me see it.

- Hey. We're going out. No ice cream.
- No. No.

You see, whiskey doesn't mix well
with ice cream.

- I need it.
- You need it?

- Yes.
- You need it? What're you, a fat teenage girl?

- What're you, Bridget Jones?
- Really?

- Name calling? Is that what we're doing?
- Yeah.

- Give me the ice cream.
- No.

- Give me the ice cream.
- I know that look. Get away from me.

- Give me the ice cream.
- Back up, little man.

- Give me the ice cream.
- Get off, man.

Nobody gets ice cream!

That was awesome.

- Did you throw it out the window?
- We're going out.

I mean, I bet you thought
you were never going feel this again, man.

The excitement. The energy.
You don't get this in relationships.

I've been out of the game so long
I forgot how much I miss this.

You were never in the game.
You were a married doctor.

- Whatever.
- Hey, do you guys want a mint?

- Yeah.
- Here we go. That's for you.

That's for you.

That's a weird mint, dude.

Yeah, I know. It's Viagra.

You've got four hours to drink
like Keith Richards and still get hard.

Every good action movie
has a ticking clock. Right?

Fucking idiots.

Idiots.

I know!

I'm fucking drunk right now.

Yeah, that's right.

I can't wait to get drunk.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

Hey, come here. Yes, you can.

Yes, you can. You just need to be like,
"Hey! I'm a good-looking doctor."

No, it would work for me, Mikey.

- Would it?
- Yeah, it would.

That would totally work for me.

Hey! Chels!

Oh, my God! I love your shoes!
I've been looking for those.

Thank you!

Wow! You are beautiful.

This is my friend, Daniel. He's amazing.

But he's a virgin.

There's always a catch.

I'm just trying to get laid
before I graduate high school.

Hi, I'm Sophie.

I know you are.

- Whiskey...
- Yeah.

- I love you.
- We're doing it... I love you, too.

I've never met that guy before.

What's up, buddy? How's it going?

Well,

I'm drinking alone in a bar
full of assholes.

And all these girls,
they seem to like the assholes more.

Dude, do you remember
when for, like, two years in college,

every single girl that I liked liked you?

- Rebecca Daniels...
- Yeah. Rebecca Daniels.

- She was hot.
- She was.

She was all right.

Where's the Mikey that got her?

Because that guy was fucking awesome.

That girl's staring at you
at the end of the bar.

- Should I look?
- No, not yet.

- Now.
- No.

Yeah, go ahead and look.

Night away?

Yeah. She was fucking Harold.

There's always a Harold.

There's always a Harold.

When I was a kid, I used to open
all the windows in my bedroom

when it was freezing,
and just lay on top of the covers.

Why?

I wanted to understand
what it felt like to be homeless.

Do you understand that feeling?

Just needing to know?

Wow.

I know.

He fucking looked like Morris Chestnut.

Who looks like Morris Chestnut?

It is not a good look.
Nobody should look like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, who is Morris Chestnut?

Apparently, he's a great lawyer.

Well, I wrote my number on this.

Use it when you're ready.

Look, is this the part where we go home?

'Cause I'm not really in the mood.

You're sitting on my coat.

I am.

I'm sorry about that.

It's okay. Thanks.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Hey.

I'm gonna get a drink. You want a drink?

- No. I'm good.
- Let me get you a drink.

- What, a vodka soda?
- No, no, no.

- My man.
- No.

- Come on. It's just a drink.
- Oh, no. I'm good. Thank you.

I need a drink, too.
I'll get you a drink.

Honestly, what if I enjoy the drink?
What happens then?

I'd love to hear
what you think happens then.

I'll tell you what happens.

We go play beer pong
with your two roommates

until I end up back at yours
in Murray Hill?

Yeah, that's right.
How did you know that?

And then we'll have to listen to your
roommate have sex with Hilary

or Emily or whatever the girl's name is
until we fall asleep.

And then a year later,
we're still playing beer pong

in the same bars with your friends.

Except now you feel pressure to get married
and have kids

'cause you think that's what I want.

Then in the summers, drive up
to the Hamptons to meet his parents,

wondering the whole ride if they're going
to think you're pretty enough.

- Smart.
- Wondering the whole ride,

if they're going to think
you're smart enough.

Because no one is. And then
we have to drink shitty chardonnay.

At a shitty garden party.

- And have shitty conversations.
- About shitty people.

With his shitty mother.

Who, let's face it,
doesn't think you're smart enough.

Pretty.

Who, let's face it,
doesn't think you're pretty enough.

Because no one is.

No one ever will be.

What was all that shit?
Look, I'm just talking about a drink.

Yeah, but it wasn't just a drink, though,
was it?

It was a marriage proposal.

Marriage. No, I was...

Just a vodka soda.

Fuck you guys. I'm...

- Drink?
- Yeah.

You're amazing.

Let's get out of here.

You like that?

You're sitting on my coat.

I have to use your bathroom.

Fuck. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up your phone!

Dude, I have a serious problem.

You got a problem. I got a problem.
I gotta take a leak right now.

And my boner looks like that thing
on The Price Is Right.

Bob Barker?

Yeah, my dick looks like Bob Barker.

No, you asshole,
that thing that stops the wheel.

- What?
- I think I took too much Viagra.

I just really got to take a leak.

You have to just get horizontal.

Get horizontal? What the...

You need to be horizontal.

- Me or the boner?
- Both.

I can't.
My boner is perpendicular to my body.

Just try it, man.

This is the stupidest idea I've
ever heard of. What the...

This isn't...

Wait, bro, it's actually working.

Of course it is, but, dude,
listen to me.

I think the girl that
I just had sex with is a hooker.

What? That's awesome.

No! It's not awesome, man.
What if she makes me pay?

I don't have hooker money.

- You definitely don't have hooker money.
- Dude.

I don't know what to do, man.
You gotta help me.

Okay, well, you know what?
If she asks for cash,

you could pretend that you're a hooker, too,
and maybe the rates would balance out.

You are so fucking useless.
Do you know that?

Is your dick touching the water?

Fuck you.

Which one of you divas uses self-tanner?

I do. Why?

Because I beat off with it last night.

Why... Why didn't you even read the bottle?

I was a little drunk.

- What?
- What?

My shit is orange.

- Look at this!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Who knew that could even happen to you?

I didn't know you could change colors.

- Stop.
- Your dick looks like a yam.

- Your dick looks like a traffic cone.
- Just stop.

Your dick looks like
a can of cheddar Pringles.

That's fucked up.

You dick looks like Spike Lee
at a Knicks game.

If your dick was jumping over the river,
it would be the General Lee.

All right! All right!
What happened to you two idiots last night?

I freaked out and left.
I didn't know what to do.

It's her bread and butter.
It's how she keeps the lights on.

You basically robbed a hooker.

I didn't rob her.

Yes, you did.
You robbed this hooker, man.

- You're like the opposite of Robin Hood.
- I didn't rob her.

And that's the thing. I mean,
everything else about her was perfect.

I mean, she was smart. She was funny.

She was the kind of girl I would date.

If she didn't, you know,
happen to fuck random guys for money.

- Yeah.
- That's really the only thing

that's getting in the way
of that relationship.

Fuck you guys.

Did you friend that girl yet, Mikey?
The glasses girl?

No. I mean,
can you even do that that fast?

Dude! You've gotta make her laugh.
Get a rapport going.

- Yeah, man.
- Give me your phone real quick.

Give him your phone.
We live in an extremely efficient world.

Somebody else could be
sealing the deal right now.

Listen, last night was amazing.
Okay? I had a great time.

- You guys were awesome.
- Thank you.

All right? But I'm gonna call Vera.
We've got things that we need to work on.

- No. That's a bad move.
- Come on.

- You don't wanna do that.
- Horrible move.

- We had so much fun last night.
- Yeah.

Wow.

What?

She...

She changed it.

- What?
- What?

What are you talking about?

Vera.

It used to say,
"married," and now it says...

It says nothing.

All right, I married a smart girl.
I married the right girl. Right?

I went to med school right after college.

I did what I was supposed to do.

I checked the boxes.

But maybe what you did didn't check hers.

We had the same boxes.

Did you have the same boxes?

Maybe you need
a little more experience with boxes.

Yeah, maybe we should lead you
down the path to better boxes.

Look, guys. I don't need that. All right?

I need to call Vera
and I need to work this shit out.

That's what I'm going to do.
I need to call her, okay?

I need to call Vera.
I need to work this shit out.

- It kills me to see you like this.
- Yeah.

Hey.

It's an opportunity to have some fun.

Man, this is about all of us, man.
This is about all of us being together.

When are we all gonna be unattached?

In our 30s we're gonna settle down
with kids.

We're gonna live a boring life.
It's about us right now.

I don't know.

- We're staying single with you, man.
- I just don't know.

We're staying single with you.

We're gonna keep last night alive
as long as humanly possible.

Nobody gets in a relationship.

Nobody changes their status.

Right?

I'm in.

- Come on!
- Come on!

Michael? Are you in?

Fuck it. I'm in.

- So, we going for this?
- Yeah.

I mean,
it's a pretty bleak ending to a book,

so shouldn't we leave people
with some hope?

From where in the Midwest
did this one wash up?

Fresh off her master's from Chicago.

Master's in what? Sentimentality?

I don't think so.

I just think you have to
believe in possibility.

Sweetie. Welcome to New York.

You're young and you're pretty
and the world is yours.

But you're nobody's first wife yet.

Well, we're all pretty...

- Look who's here.
- Hi.

- Glad you could make it.
- Yeah.

I gotta tell you
I'm really excited about this cover, guys.

Hey.

- Here you go.
- Okay.

Hey.

Holy shit.

Everyone. How's it going?

Good, good.

So, do you want to tell us a little bit
about your approach with this cover?

Yeah. I'd love a little explanation.

It...

It is what it is.

"It is what it is"?

That's what you say
when you get a parking ticket.

I know.

It looks to me like the guy here
wants to escape.

Does he?

And we want him to stay.
That's the fantasy of men in the city.

It seems like she'll bring him home
in the bag,

totally trusting him
and then after they sleep together,

he'll prove to be too much of an asshole

to actually stick around
for a couple of hours.

So tell me, Jason.
Why wouldn't the guy stay?

I thought you were a hooker.

- What?
- A hooker.

- Why?
- There were hooker signs.

What's a hooker sign?

- You had on hooker boots.
- Lots of people have them.

There were tons of condoms.

Did you ever think they might be there

because I'm not having a ton of sex?

No! I thought they were a hooker sign!

What's a hooker sign?

What about The Story of O?

That was research for a book.

There were envelopes full of cash.

I pay my landlord in cash
so that he can commit tax fraud.

How long have you lived in New York?

Man, not long enough.

Yeah.

Wait. Can I make it up to you?

Let me make it up to you.

You wanna make it up to me?

Can I?

I don't know.

You can have my number.

And...

Maybe you can.

Yeah, dude. Everybody knows
you can't call a girl a hooker.

Even hookers hate being called hookers.

I'm gonna bring Ellie around.

No, you're not! No, you're not.

I'm gonna get her on the roster.

Wait. A roster?

Yeah. A roster.

It's a group of girls
that you're hooking up with

that keeps you from sending
the wrong message.

- Which is what?
- That you wanna date one of them.

You gotta start building a roster.

Yeah. It'll help ease
the transition a little.

- No, no. I do not need a roster. Okay?
- Yes, you do.

I can't keep one girl.

What makes you think
I can handle a bunch of them?

You just keep a bunch of them
for a short period of time

and then you send them out
into the world to flourish.

- Like college kids.
- Yes.

Or like capitalism.

And then you replenish the team.

Think of a roster
like a spiritual and physical...

Mostly physical.

...rejuvenation of the male soul.

Which you guys clearly don't fucking have.

Think of it like a spa.

A spa for your cock.

- A cock spa.
- Yep.

You just got to use whatever skills
that you have available to you.

Girls love personalization.

You guys are idiots.

You're an idiot.

Vera!

Look, I'm... I'm sorry to barge in on you.

What are you doing here?

Okay, look.

I know that this is
an awkward thing to do, but...

I have been having some pain.

And I just...

I don't know.

You came because you needed my help.

I came to apologize. I did.

- You came because you needed my help.
- Mikey.

I just... I've been thinking about you.

It really was just
a simple misunderstanding.

Yeah, it was like,
"What kind of girl would I be

"if I didn't eventually find it funny?"

You'd be probably every other girl
in the world. I think.

I'm really sorry.

But I'm not every other girl in the world.

No.

I guess you're not.

And then I kind of developed
my own style, I guess.

And now you...

Design book covers.

Amongst other things.

Well, I guess you get people
to believe in something enough

to want to buy it.

I get people to believe in the surface.

To do the one thing
your parents told you not to do.

To judge a book by its cover.

Exactly.

- We weren't supposed to do that.
- You weren't supposed to do that.

See? I was encouraged.

Another example of
just plain awful parenting.

But, like, the job that you have right now,

like, is it something that
you actually want to be doing?

You know what? It can be fun.

But do I love it?

- You don't.
- No.

Don't you want to love something?

What? Do you love what you do?

I started this new lecture series.

And authors can come along
and they can talk about their work.

- That's awesome.
- Yes. So great.

- And people come?
- No.

- No?
- No.

But I...

It's okay.
I mean, I figure that if I keep doing It,

it could be a really, really amazing thing.

You should come along to one of them
if you're around.

I don't know.

I can't really tell if
it's important to you.

I'm sorry. That's a weird laugh.

This is my favorite place in the city.

Yeah. It's beautiful.

I know that I'm romanticizing the idea,

but come on.

That's kind of my dream.
To have the key to Gramercy Park.

New York's charm is
you're surrounded by things you can't have.

New York's charm is
it makes you think you can have them.

You know, I'd love to look inside
before we buy.

Me, too.

In the meantime,
we can go back to my place.

It's very similar, actually.

Except for everything about it.

I gotta get home.

Okay. Yours, it is.

You're one hell of a negotiator.

This kind of stuff just
rolls off your tongue doesn't it?

I'm just trying to make you laugh.

I don't like how well it's working.

Fuck...

Wait, so you guys
still haven't gotten Mikey laid?

- No.
- What's wrong with you?

You're like the worst wingman ever.

Are you kidding me, Chelsea?
I'm an incredible wingman.

I know, but, like, nothing?

It's just harder than you think with him.

Like, what about a blowjob?

I'm good right now, but thank you.
Maybe in, like, 10 minutes?

Maybe after this beer?

Sorry, I'm just making a mental list

of all the things I'd like to do
before giving you a blowjob.

Wow. Really?

Kill myself is number one.

Are you serious? Jesus. What's number two?

Just, like, awaiting trial in Guantanamo.

- Yup.
- Yeah.

Come on, man. The blues?
Are you fucking serious?

What the fuck does Captain Attractive
have to be so sad about?

I don't know.

I think he's going
for brooding and dark, mysterious.

It's kind of working for me.

- That is working?
- Yes.

You cannot be that attractive
and have a skill. That's bullshit.

Well, I'm gonna play, so you're wrong.

Then somebody's in trouble.

Cheer up, asshole. You're the guy.

Buckle up.

Hey, excuse me?
I just wanted to tell you great job.

I almost cried right there.

It was really some powerful stuff.

Yeah. It was brooding, dark,
and mysterious, apparently.

- Yeah.
- Thanks. That's what I was going for.

Told you.

This is my friend, Chelsea.

She's not much to look at,
but wait till you hear her play the piano.

- Really good.
- I can't wait. I'm Diego.

I know you are.

I warn you, though.
She can be really aggressive sometimes.

Is that right?

But you can tame her with tequila
and compliments.

- Yeah.
- So...

- Super aggressive.
- Yeah?

- Hey, are you home?
- No. I'm at the hospital. Where are you?

I'm headed back.

All right. So?

How was it?

It was amazing, man. She was amazing.

So is she coming back to the house or what?

Not exactly.

- Hey.
- After midnight? Really?

I couldn't sleep.

It's good to see you.

So what happened with you
and the piano man? Rodrigo?

- Diego?
- Diego.

I don't know.

I don't want to date a guy
that's prettier than me. You know?

Yeah. Me neither.

Plus, he works out.

I don't want a man that works out.

Yeah. I worked out once. 2004.

Got on the 15 dumbbells.

I was like, "Those are way too light,
let me go to the 30s."

- Nice.
- And if you feel it...

Don't. I don't wanna touch it.

And then I hit the hammies.

- Some quads. And if you feel that.
- You definitely got the lingo down.

- Do you see that?
- No.

- Well...
- Fat.

That's what happens when you work out

once.

What are you doing here anyway?

- What do you mean?
- I don't know.

Weren't you supposed to hang out
with that girl from Trinity?

Yeah. I had to tell her
I wasn't looking for anything too serious.

'Cause if it ever stopped being fun for you
guys, you'd want to just call it off?

- That's... Yeah.
- I know.

You got it down.

- Brother. I know the spiel.
- Brother.

Yeah.

I don't know. I just thought you liked her.

I did like her.

She was cool, really smart,
funny, well-read.

- Great family.
- Love it

And gave the best blowjob
in recorded history.

I feel like every blowjob you get,
you think is the best in recorded history...

Well, if you look at the common variable
across all encounters, you'll find that it's me.

So maybe I'm the best in recorded history
at receiving blowjobs.

- Bam.
- Bam.

- Think about that.
- Don't want to.

Cheers to me getting awesome blowjobs
and just being good at it.

You're such an idiot.

So? Jason, where is this going?

Fuck.

Look, I think you're an amazing girl.

And if I was in a different place, maybe,

but, I mean, you know that I'm not
really looking for anything serious.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. As soon as
this stops being fun for one of us.

Hey, J-Go! How'd it go with that hooker?

Did you just call me a hooker?

No, I meant the other...

Yeah. I just said
the wrong thing just now.

You think?

Yes.

Hey, Mikey?

Mikey?

- Can you shut the door?
- Shit.

Okay. I'd like to apologize.

Don't worry about it.

Caffeine?

No, thanks. I gotta run.

But at least he offers.

I offer.

You've never offered.

For the record.
I'm sorry for anything I said.

Am saying. And might say in the future.

An apology. So sweet.

I like him better than you. For the record.

For the record, he is better than me.

This is true.

Bye.

- So you went out with...
- Ellie.

- Then you came home and had sex with...
- Alana.

Jesus!

- I did that for you.
- You did it for me?

- Yeah.
- You had sex with a beautiful woman for me?

Yeah. For you.

Thank you. Thank you.

If I need anything else,
I'll be sure to let you know.

I'm just building my roster, man.

- Roster?
- Yeah, my roster.

Ellie's on the way in.

Alana just gave me the "so."

The "so"?

Yeah, the "so.".

When it comes to girls,
nothing good ever follows the word "so."

"So," where is this going?

"So," what're we doing?

And you just got the "so"?

Yeah, I just got the "so."

So that's when you get out.

- Always?
- Always.

You're a fucking idiot.

So Chelsea worked her magic again?

- Yeah, yeah. In a sense, yeah.
- Really?

So, is she, like, hot. She smart, cool?

Yeah. Yeah, all of the above.

Wow, really?

Yeah. I'm not gonna date her.

She's not datable
if that's what you're getting at, okay?

So let's just calm down.

What about you?
Did you see what's-her-name?

- Ellie?
- Yeah.

Yeah. We, like, went to the park.
We hung out.

Went to the park, hung out?

You liked this girl when
you thought she was a hooker.

- Are you falling in love?
- No, man.

I think you are.
I can hear it in your voice.

I had sex with Alana.

- You had sex with both of them?
- No.

You fucking double gophered?

- I didn't.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You double gophered? I love that.

You had sex with both of them.
That's awesome.

No, I didn't. Ellie went home.
Alana came over.

That's what I love about you.

Like, you never push too hard.

- You always have a backup.
- Yeah.

You're like Judge Reinhold
in Beverly Hills Cop.

- I'm not getting in a relationship.
- Except you're an asshole.

Hello. This is Ellie.

Hey.

It's Jason.

All right, we're going on a date tomorrow.

Gramercy Park. Dress nicely.

No questions.

You in?

Yeah.

Vera, we have to talk.

Mikey, did you call the glasses girl, yet?

Can you come see me tonight?
It's important.

Dude. Tell us how the call went.

- Nope. I'm not pissing.
- Okay.

- Come on in.
- First of all,

- your dick looks like it found Nemo.
- Stop.

Second of all,
are you gonna see glasses girl?

She gonna come see me tonight.

First of all, I think your dick
looks like a snowman's nose.

- Can you stop?
- Second of all,

I thought you worked tonight?

- She might come by the hospital.
- No.

Mikey, I love your thinking on this, man.

The work-date combination.

- It's very impressive.
- Yeah.

- I'm just thinking on my toes.
- He knows shit, man.

It's casual. It's innovative.
I love your work, man.

I love that jacket.
Where are you going tonight?

I have a pretty big night ahead of me.

I'm playing the incredibly wealthy
Mr. Von Ferrington.

That's so awesome!

You're role playing. You're committing.

- Exactly. What are you doing?
- I'm going to meet up with Chelsea

and see what we can make happen.

Again?

Why is she always hooking
you up with girls?

Have you looked in the mirror?
Have you looked at me?

I'm the most attractive.
So it's the easiest.

- Come on.
- Yeah! That's why.

Guys, in high school, I was voted
most likely to have the best eyes.

- That's just not true.
- So...

Yeah, right.

You idiot.

Do you know that James Harper lived here?

- Really?
- He used to be the mayor of New York.

You've really chosen
a wonderful property to look at Mr. Von...

- Ferrington.
- Ferrington.

- Von Ferrington.
- Von Ferrington.

I mean, this is one of the finest
properties in the city.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Look at the parquet floors
that are all inlaid and original.

And this.

Let me show you this.

Unfettered access to the private park is,

of course, one of the finest things
about living on Gramercy.

- Unfettered?
- Unfettered.

And now further, I'd like you to
take a look at this wrought iron.

- Lattice wrought iron which is the original.
- Original?

And we have in here a beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful chandelier,

which is cut crystal.

You'll notice all of the detail
on the ceiling.

Now the Obasan rug is original
of the period.

And we have over there
a stained glass window.

- Let's go.
- Why?

Look at the detail on this poster here.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!
I'll explain later.

Here, the kitchen.

Quick! The old woman's coming!

Hello?

Won't we get caught?

I don't think so. Let's go.

Hello?

Mr. Ferrington?

Hello?

Slow down. Slow down. Just walk normal.

What do you mean walk...

- You're walking like a criminal.
- What? This is how I walk.

I'm not a criminal.

But I am.

We have to go. Let's go!

Hello?

Hello?

Okay. You said we need to talk.

Nobody says, "We need to talk,"
unless it's really bad news, right?

- No, no, no.
- And my grandmother had ovarian cancer.

No, no, no.
You're fine, you're fine, you're fine!

The tests they ran indicated
nothing out of the ordinary.

- I have all the symptoms.
- Baby, you're fine.

You're fine. You're okay.

- Come here.
- What was that message then?

Come here. No, no. Come here.

Okay. I am sorry. I just wanted to talk.

Oh, my God. You are such an idiot.

- You are such an idiot.
- Yes.

Just... Just... Just come sit down. Okay?

Oh, God.

Breathe. Breathe.

Oh, God, I thought I was dying.

Yeah. You thought you were dying.

That was me.

Where did we go wrong?

Like, what happened?

What happened to us?

What happened? I...

I mean, we got married at 23 years old,

I just don't think at that point
you are ready for a life

without excitement or spontaneity.

Spontaneity?

I mean, I'm spontaneous.

We didn't have sex for almost six months.

You want spontaneous?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Are you sick or something?
- No.

Those aren't going out clothes.

Well, who's going out?

I thought we were going out.

That was pretty badass.

I can get fired for that shit.

You know, when I was a kid,
I used to love going to parks.

And my grandfather
used to take me every Sunday.

But my ex hated parks.

He thought they were
like too public or something.

He sounds like a real dick.

What? My ex?

Your grandfather.

So what happened between the two of you?

Well, I graduated from school
and I moved to New York.

And he took a job in Chicago.

And it was sort of like a
focus-on-your-work-life-first sort of thing.

They call us the selfish generation.

What about you?

Who's the one that got you?

How dare you assume that I have
any emotional capacity whatsoever?

- Get out of my park.
- No.

- Get out.
- No.

It's okay. You can come back.

Damn it!

I was so not gonna do that.

I was gonna hold out.

I was gonna make you wait,
like, 40 days or something.

I was gonna make you wait, too,
but then I realized, "I'm a dude."

Hey, guys. It's Fred.

Jesus! Fred, you're like Reverse Elvis,
you know.

Fred, you entered the building.

I love Elvis.

"Thank you, very much."

What's up, Fred?

Well, Ellie from Simon just sent over
the Matterhorn book cover.

And she wants us to do it?

Specifically.

- Specifically?
- Specifically.

I'll get in on that.

Right.

Come on.

- Thanks, Fred.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Gonna do it!

Wait, okay, so let me get this straight.

You have sex with this girl.
We get a job out of it?

Certainly seems that way.

And to think this whole time,
we thought that poor girl was a hooker.

Well, yeah.

But in reality,
the only prostitute here is you.

No one came again.

Again?
Why don't you get better authors?

You know, I never even thought of that.

Yes, I've tried that. I've been trying.

Well, come by my place after for a drink.

I'll come by after.

I don't understand why you won't tell me.
Just tell me where you did it.

I'm not telling you, so stop asking.

Why? You know you're gonna tell me.
You tell me everything.

I do. But I'm not telling you this
right now.

- Why?
- 'Cause I'm whupping your ass.

You get all precious with this stuff
and you throw down,

and slap me in the mouth.

Whenever you start losing,
you just get upset.

Dude, did you just take
another shit in there?

- No, I'm not.
- Every time.

Why do you care so much
about what I'm doing in there?

I wasn't taking a shit.

You're so disgusting. Dude.

Why do you guys care
so much what I do in the bathroom?

And I wasn't taking a shit.

- Every time.
- Yes, you...

Have a little faith.
What are you guys talking about?

Mikey won't tell me
where he had sex last night.

Mikey, where did you have sex last night?

Why do you care so much
about where I had sex?

'Cause we're your friends.
We wanna know.

- Where'd you have sex, Mikey?
- The hospital.

- With the glasses girl?
- Are you serious?

Oh, my God!
You Grey's Anatomy motherfucker!

Mikey, that is awesome.

Dude, your wife never would've had sex
in the hospital.

- She's too uptight.
- Not in a million years.

I'm fucking proud of you.
Really am proud of you.

What is that?

I don't know.

- You order food?
- I mean, we're all here.

- I didn't order food. Did you order food?
- No.

So. It's Ellie.

What the fuck? Are you serious, dude?

Jason, this is a den of testosterone, man.

- This is a pre-game.
- This is my apartment.

That's a good point.

It's not a good point. First of all, guys,
I just took a shit in there.

- I knew it.
- It's every time.

Why don't you take a shit
at your own apartment?

You can't invite a girl
to a place like this.

- I didn't invite her.
- You didn't invite her?

- No.
- That's worse.

That's some girlfriend shit.

Some I-have-a-girlfriend shit.

Okay, well, I'm gonna buzz her in.

- Don't buzz her.
- Don't buzz her in.

- I'm gonna buzz her in.
- Jason, don't buzz her in.

- Don't buzz...
- Don't buzz her in, man.

- We're having such good guy time right now.
- Oh, shit.

I just buzzed her in.

- He fucking buzzed her in. Okay.
- He buzzed her in.

- Really?
- Okay.

Both you guys need to calm down.

We're not supposed to see them
more than twice in one week, all right?

And you're seeing this chick
twice in one day.

Dude. Relax.

Invite her up then, man!

She's not gonna wanna talk about Xbox.

So, I'm gonna be sitting here being like,
"I have to fart but maybe I can't right now."

She better have some hot friends.
Dude, you're pissing me off.

Open the door. I don't care.
I'm getting wasted.

- Hey. I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Hi.

No. You're not interrupting.
You're not interrupting anything.

So this is this is Daniel. This is Mikey.
We went to college together.

Guys, Ellie.

Daniel is a manipulative idiot.

- And Mikey has an orange dick.
- Hi.

Really, dude?

That's really good to know.

I brought scotch.
I don't know if you guys drink scotch.

She brought scotch?

You should try it.

Let's try it.

What are you guys playing?

- A little Xbox.
- Can I play?

Yeah.

Apparently, her ex-boyfriend played
a lot of Halo.

You know what? It's late. I gotta go.
I gotta go to West Side.

No, you're not. We're not letting you. No.
We're not letting you go.

I promise you we get funnier.

But tonight is Mikey's night.
You know, I can feel it.

- I pray to God it is.
- That's what I was telling you, too, baby.

I forgot to tell you, it's my birthday
coming up soon.

Really?

Usually people are more subtle about this.

No, not like that.

I'm going to throw myself
a surprise birthday party.

- You're throwing yourself a surprise party?
- Yeah.

- Well, I'm surprised.
- Yeah,

everybody's gonna get dressed up
and decked out.

And you should do the same.

- It's a dress-up party?
- Absolutely, yeah.

- I'm so in. I love getting dressed up.
- Sweet.

He's actually giving her eye contact?

He's engaged.

- Bye.
- Bye.

That's a great painting, by the way.

Thank you.

That's nice. it was beautiful, man.

- That was really nice.
- That was quite nice.

And I do love her. I do.

I really like her.

I really liked it when she came by
without telling anybody.

I really liked it
when she kissed you on the cheek.

And I really like that
you're about to lose this bet.

- Yep.
- Jason, do you remember

when we said we're all gonna stay single?

Yeah, well, it looks like you're fucked.

I'm not fucked.

You are so fucked!

I'm not fucked. Let's go out.

- Hey, Chels!
- Hey. Sorry, guys.

Can we get tequila shots, please?

Sotheby's kept me late.

Then they can take care of
these drinks.

- They will?
- Hey.

- It's good to see you.
- You, too.

- I'm still going.
- That's not cool.

- All right cheers!
- Cheers!

Chels, you're up.

Get it.

Oh, my God, I love your shoes.

Thank you. That's so sweet.

- That should've been me.
- This is my friend, Daniel.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Okay.

Okay.

- What...
- The fuck was that?

Seriously. That was god-awful.

That was horrendous.

I got nothing... I don't know.

Are you serious right now?
You just dropped the ball. Seriously.

You just dropped the ball big time.

I'm having an off night. I don't know.

Having an off night?

Even Jordan has off nights.

Very ambitious.

What? What's wrong?

That teddy bear.

Mr. Wiggles?

Fuck, Mr. Wiggles. Yeah, Mr. Wiggles.

Because, I know,

your ex-boyfriend gave you
that teddy bear.

And I said he was a pussy, which he was.

And then you broke up with him.

But I was thinking about you guys together.

And him having sex with you.
And then I thought about him naked.

- And you know. And all that stuff.
- Oh, really? Yeah.

And my boner just started to wilt
like warm lettuce.

- I'm gonna get rid of the teddy bear!
- Thank you.

- Creeped me out.
- Yeah.

Chelsea, I just really
want you to know something.

And I wanted to be very clear.

You're not looking
for anything serious right now?

Look, Daniel, this thing
doesn't have to be a thing.

And if you want to go back to being friends,
we can go back to being friends.

I don't want to go back to anything.

That's what I was going to tell you.

I really like being here.

That's what I was going to say.

You working this weekend?

You should come by the hospital.

- Again.
- Yeah. Again.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I would.

Come by again and again and again.

Check this one out.

- That's impressive.
- Very impressive.

Something for the two of you?

What's up, man?

Something for the two of you?

Oh, no, no, no. We're not gay, man.

- And we're just...
- We just need a giant strap-on dildo.

Which I know sounds a little gay.
But it's for a costume.

It's right here. Right in front of you.

- Wait. I have a serious question for you.
- Yeah.

Think.

If you were gay, would you date me?

Definitely not.

- What?
- What?

I would not date you, Jason.

- Why?
- Because you're not my type.

What the fuck does that mean?

What? Are you offended?

I'm completely offended.

Deal with it.

You'd gay date me. You know you would.

Honestly, if were
to have sex with you, Jason,

which apparently you really want,

you would probably be like
top three hottest chicks

I've ever had sex with.

That's actually true.

Man, how much are these?

For you? $75.

For me? 'Cause we're such good friends?

These are all dishwasher safe.

I don't think
you should go to this party, man.

Dude, I can go to the party.
It's gonna be fun.

$65.

Dude, who the fuck are you
negotiating with right now?

$60.

Okay. Look. I'm telling you, man.
This party is a road to a relationship.

And that road is paved with responsibility
and lack of selfishness.

And what the fuck am I holding right now?
What is this?

I have no idea.

Clever.

It comes with an extra balloon.

Why would I need an extra balloon?

- In case it pops.
- Why would it pop?

If you try too hard.

What?

Sick cock, bro.

Thanks.

What's up?

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Happy birthday!

Jason? What are you wearing?

Rock out with my cock out.

It's not my real cock, though.

- Clearly.
- Yeah.

So it's a different kind of dress-up party?

Yeah.

This is a classic case of miscommunication.

- It's really... It's just a classic.
- Yeah.

These are my parents.

My mom, Jodie, and my dad, Bill.

Holy shit.

This is Jason.

I'm sorry. Hi.

I'm just gonna pretend
that this isn't happening. Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi. I'm Jason.

Hi.

- Bill.
- Jason. Nice to meet you.

- Oh, goodness.
- That should not have happened.

That shouldn't have happened.

Yeah.

It's a cocktail.

Shouldn't have said that.

I'm just gonna go and check the...

You know what? Just excuse me one sec.

Cheers!

No. I got to hand it to you, man.

I'm impressed by the way
you hung in there.

I should have left.
I definitely should have left.

I guess I'm a sucker for abuse.

You must be.

You know the hardest part
about this costume?

It was seeing this thing
next to my actual dick.

I can only imagine.

I didn't know whether to cry
or go kill myself.

What are you laughing at, Bill?

I like this guy, Ell.

I like this guy.

Don't encourage him, Dad.

Don't encourage him.

So?

So?

What do Jason and Mikey think about this?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, like, whatever we're doing.

What have you told them?

I mean, I told them everything.

Yeah. They're really happy for you.

- Sorry. They're happy for me?
- They're happy for both of us.

They're just so happy for the two of us.

That's what they...
Yeah, they're just really happy.

And Jason's taking it okay?

Yeah. I mean,
he was a little angry at first,

but now he's in the fourth stage
of grieving.

Denial?

Masturbation.

You know what's so cool?

When I'm being really serious
and you're like,

"Hey, I'm Daniel. I'm, like, really funny."

- I don't sound anything like that.
- You sound exactly like that.

"Hey, I'm Daniel."

You sound like you have peanut butter
in your mouth.

- No.
- What do you want me to say?

They think it's cool that I'm slumming it?

Slumdogging?

No. Honestly, I'm just happy you told them.

I know how you are with girls.

Or at least how you've been.

You know what?

Your dad...

Awesome.

Well, he likes you, too,
even though you had that thing on.

Maybe that's why he liked me.

You know you don't have to
clear up anything.

You don't have to help.

No, I want to.

You can't wake up to this. It's disgusting.

The apartment or you?

You've always hated me.

Just stop talking for one minute.

I know it's really hard,
but you can just try.

You've always hated me.

I'm gonna take a shower.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Last night was amazing.

And this morning.

Do you think you could grow old
in New York?

I'm not gonna get old.

Getting old looks so tiring.

I know.
You just, like, wake up in the morning

and have to figure out what to do
in between meals.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get an old Jaguar XK-E,
completely restored.

And then I'm gonna eat a ton of acid.

Like, so much acid that
if you went to go see Cirque du Soleil,

you'd think you were in Connecticut.

And then I'm gonna speed up
the West Side Highway,

as fast as a car can go,
crash through the divider,

and careen off into the Hudson.

In slow-motion, of course.

Of course.

And that would be it.

My death, premeditated.

Okay.

I mean, here's what's
actually gonna happen.

What?

You'll be 70 years old.

So you'll think you're going 150,

but actually you're going
25 at best, 15 at worst.

You can't see,
so the acid you think you're eating

will actually be an errant Lipitor.

You're going to forget what you were doing
in the car in the first place,

bump into the divider,
wet yourself, ruin the car,

lose your license, and your dignity
in one fell swoop.

And then you're gonna be ushered off
into some rest home,

where you have to wake up
in the mornings,

and figure out what the hell to do
in between meals.

You know, you don't have to be right
about everything all the time?

How's Ellie?

What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean?

Nothing. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?
So? What's up?

Nothing. Where's Chelsea?

What do you mean?

I mean, where is Chelsea is what I mean.

I gotta talk to you about Chelsea.

What's going on?

- Why are you so happy?
- Yeah?

I can't be happy to see
my two best friends?

That's not a
happy-to-see-your-Mo-best-friends face.

No?

What is going on?

You're girl happy.

Look at me. Did you bone again?

You boned again, didn't you?

- No. What are you...
- Did you?

No. That's ridiculous.
Can you stop looking at me like that?

- You're a fucking animal! Yes, you did!
- Did you?

Did you?

- Who was it? Glasses girl?
- Was it?

- Glasses girl.
- Was it?

Wow. Mikey.

It's the beginning
of a beautiful roster, buddy.

- Yeah, man.
- I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.

- Thank you.
- I'm also proud of you.

Your phone is ringing.

- Are you going to answer that?
- No.

You should. It might be a hot lonely girl
looking to talk to me,

but she has your number.

- No. It's Ellie.
- No, it's not.

I can read it. It's right there on the bar.
It says, "Ellie." See that?

I'll get it later.

That's real mature.

Yeah. You should answer it,
because she's your girlfriend.

It's... Yeah. My girlfriend.

Shit. She's calling again.

Back to back?

Answer that phone!
She might need you to pick up diapers!

Or, like, tampons, or something like that.

I'm out with you guys.
I'm not fucking answering it.

- Well, I'm gonna answer it.
- I wish I wasn't.

Hey, Ellie! What's up?
No, it's Daniel. It's Jason's best man.

- He just crossed a line.
- It's his best man friend.

- Best man? What are you talking about?
- Yeah.

All right. Here he is. Here he is.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- All strong arm-y. You wanna strong arm me?

He gets so angry.

Yeah. Hello?

I can hear you.

Ellie?

- Oh, my God.
- What? What's up?

Her dad just died.

Her dad died.

You have to.
It's not even a question.

You have to show up at that funeral.

If I set foot anywhere near that funeral,
then we're dating.

Then don't go, dude.

What the fuck are you talking about?

If he doesn't want to go to the funeral,
why should he go to the funeral?

Are you not a human being?
Do you not have a soul?

Technically, she didn't even invite me.

Technically?
She has to invite you to a funeral?

Yeah. What, he's supposed
to show up and say,

"Hey. I'm Jason. I'm actually fucking
the dead guy's daughter"?

- What're you talking about?
- If anything, I'm just gonna be a distraction.

- It's like...
- It's better than being an asshole. Okay?

It's better than being an asshole.

I know. I wish I could be home, too.

Next year. I promise.
But happy Thanksgiving.

I miss you, too.

Tell Dad I say hello.

I love you, too.

Yeah, no.
Take your time. Take your time.

I'll be here. Finishing up. Yeah.

Here. That's set.

Hey.

I'm so glad you came.

You look great.

You look great. Nice flowers.

Thank you. They're not for you.
They're for your grandma.

- Grandma.
- There you go.

I picked them myself on the way over.
No big deal.

God. She is so sweet.

I see where you get your looks from.

- Shameless of you.
- Yeah.

What? I'm not trying to have sex
with your grandma.

Gross.

Unless you think she's into it.

- Don't think she's...
- Then maybe I will. Grandma!

- Don't... He may be into it.
- I'm just kidding.

All right. I'm just saying.

Like, in two generations I could be
responsible for making you again.

- Okay.
- It's called science.

It's called disgusting.

So are Mikey and Jason coming?

No, I don't think
they're gonna make it this year.

Babe, I'm so sorry. I know I'm late.

- Traffic was awful.
- It's a holiday.

Hi.

The turkey looks beautiful!

And you got the red I like.

I made everything just how you like it.

I know you did.

This red is so smooth.

I don't know.
It feels a little off balance to me.

Yeah? What do you mean?

I don't know.
Like something doesn't belong.

Maybe it needs to breathe a little.

It has, like, a chocolate undertone.

Maybe you're just reacting to that flavor.

Or maybe 'cause you're still
fucking Harold. I can't tell.

You know his jacket is still in the closet?

It's a great jacket.
Why's it in the fucking closet?

Can we please just enjoy this?

I've been trying to pretend
that things haven't changed.

Things have changed.

Then what are we doing?

What are we doing?

We're having fun. I don't know.

"I don't know"?

That's it?

"I don't know"?

We had everything we wanted.

A great apartment. A great job.

You're making partner in a year.
I'm in the ER.

We checked each other's boxes!

Why didn't we ever talk about kids?

It's because neither of us saw that future
and you know that's true.

Maybe I should go.

I just need to hear you say it.

Just say it.

I don't love you anymore.

So, I said to Paul,
after our first lunch downtown,

I thought you two would
be perfect for one another.

Mom.

Susan, to be honest,
I feel like I'd be perfect with anybody.

You know, for your daughter,
it was just right place at the right time.

You know, like working at Google.

You've got a job at Google?

No. I was just... You know, that's not...

- Possible.
- Right.

Daddy, Daniel was actually just telling Mom
that he was too good for me.

- No. Daniel wasn't.
- Was that right?

Now there, you're...
Well, you're taking it out of context, sir.

It's the other way around.
I'm very lucky.

Calm down, Daniel.
We know you're not too good for Chelsea.

- Paul?
- Dad?

And well, we are
very happy to have you here.

I've got 3 grand on the Cowboys.
I could use a drinking buddy.

Yeah, I'd love a drink right now.

- Let's get a drink!
- Okay, great.

You scared them away.

Thanks.

What?

I have wanted to rip your clothes off
ever since you walked into this party.

Oh, my God, Grandma!
Your hands smell like stuffing!

Wait, wait. I don't know.
Should we do this right now?

What, you're gonna say no to sex?

No. I love sex.
I love sex with you.

But I'm saying, like,
'cause your family's out there and stuff.

And your dad is kind of...

You know what?
Maybe stop being such a pussy.

Okay.

Did you lock the door?

I think so.

You think so or you know so?

You came in after me.
You should have locked it.

Quiet.

I think it's your grandma.
She's coming for me.

I knew I shouldn't have given
her those flowers.

She's coming for me.

Jesus. What the fuck?

- Okay. Hey.
- Oh, my God!

- Hey, dude.
- What the fuck are you doing in here?

Don't look at my fucking dick, man!

Oh, my God. You guys are fucking?

It doesn't mean what you think it means.

- It doesn't?
- It doesn't?

No. It doesn't mean that.

What does our relationship
mean to you, Daniel?

Relationship?
You guys are in a relationship?

You didn't tell him?

You told me you told him!
You fucking lied to me.

What I should have said
in this situation was that I didn't.

- Of course.
- I didn't tell him.

- Jesus Christ, Daniel.
- We're not dating, okay? If that's what...

Oh, my God. Fuck you.

What the fuck?

- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?

What the fuck is right!
What are you doing here?

Jesus! Does no one
in this house lock a door?

- Where are you coming from?
- I was with Vera.

- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?

Your ex-wife?

- Why were you with Vera?
- 'Cause I was trying to work it out.

But it's over now.

- Oh, my God.
- Hey, man.

- Do not hug me with no pants on.
- Bring it here.

Do not hug me with no pants on.

You're right. Respect. Respect.

What were you doing trying
to work it out with Vera?

Because that's what I do, Jason.
I try to make things work.

But you wouldn't know anything about that

'cause you always playing shit safe.

No. Because we had a deal.

- We were staying single.
- Wait. Single?

It's a long story.
We'll talk about it later.

I didn't go to a funeral.
You both lied to me

I did that for you.
I did that for both of you.

Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't do any of this shit for us.

You do everything for you.

You want us to be just like Jason.

And I can't think of anything I want more
than to be nothing like you.

Your wife fucked some other dude
and you're mad at me.

- Man.
- You wanna say that again?

She might still be fucking this dude.

Stop it. You guys, stop it!
Get the fuck out!

Stop. Come on, man.

- Your dick is touching me, man!
- I'm sorry.

You know what? Fuck you guys!

I can go back to my life!
My roster, my fun!

All my shit! And do it without you!

Okay? We weren't getting into relationships!
That was the deal!

It really wasn't about anything other than

having my two best friends
and I back together again.

That was it.

Now look at the shit you guys are in!

You're a sad man.

Yeah. Fuck you, Mikey.

Wow.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Such a special time of year.

Ellie?

Hey.

Hey, look, I'd love to.

Love to what?

Get a coffee. Talk for a few hours.

- Get a drink after. Maybe some tequila?
- Jason.

What? Is that not what you just said?

I could have sworn
I just heard you say that you wanted to...

Jason.

What?

You weren't there for me.

On a day when I really, really needed you.

And being there for someone
when they need you?

That's all relationships are, Jason.

That's all they are.

You Okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just can't...

Can't stop thinking about what she's doing.

Like, when I'm not there.

I know what the couch looks like
at her place.

I just can't stop imagining the different
people that are all sitting on it.

A guy.

A different guy.

A new guy.

Just every guy but me.

Sitting on that couch.

Well, it sounds to me like
you just need to get laid.

I know this is gonna sound crazy.

- Then don't say it.
- No.

This is gonna sound even more crazy,
given the new information.

No, listen.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

Wow. What?

I'm just still getting over someone.

Come on.
You're gonna go full-girl with it?

I think I made a terrible mistake.

I know I can be selfish, arrogant,
distant and emotionally retarded.

I'm just gonna stop you right there because

whatever it is that you're doing right now
is not what we do.

I just needed somebody to talk to.

Jason?

Don't you have any friends?

These actually do go together.

Didn't see that coming.

I'm sorry.

I know.

I just...

I don't know, to be honest, I'm having
so much fun hanging out, you know,

and chasing girls.
And doing the thing and...

- "Doing the thing"?
- Yeah, I miss that.

And I'm not gonna be able to do that
if I'm with Chelsea.

You know that.

I know.

Okay.

Go tell her how you feel.

- Go make a scene.
- Yeah.

- Make a public spectacle.
- Yeah.

Dude. Go big. Do it like the movies.

Like the movies. Yeah.

- Like Jerry Maguire.
- I love that movie.

- I love that movie, man!
- So good.

- "You had me at hello."
- What?

- Don't ever do that again. Okay?
- Sorry.

But tell me what you love about her, man!

- What do you love about her?
- I love the way she laughs.

I like the way she fake laughs
when she knows that I need it.

- Yes.
- I love the way we fit together in bed.

Because we're the same height,
our crotches line up perfectly.

That's really good.

I love that about it!

I mean, what are the chances, right?

I love the way that she looks
in the morning.

Like at that exact moment
when she wakes up,

and her eyes just open
like two little butterflies.

- Two little...
- I love that!

I love that!

- Yeah, man.
- But I wouldn't go there.

- Yeah, I wouldn't do that.
- Okay.

- So run and tell her that.
- I'm gonna go.

Don't go all Notebook with it.
But run and tell her that.

- I'm doing it.
- Do it.

- I'm doing it.
- Do it, man.

- I'm going.
- Let's do it.

- I'm gonna do it!
- Man, you're doing it!

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God!

- Dude?
- Someone call 911!

You took, like, four bags of fluid.
You were severely dehydrated.

You need to be housebroken.

I mean, what the hell were you doing?

I was running.

Why?

Because I...

I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.
I was running to tell you that I'm sorry.

And I should have told these guys
that we were dating.

- From the beginning, I told him that.
- We tried to convince him the whole time.

I want to date you, Chels.

Like... Like, really date you.

I want that, too.

You're such an idiot.

I'm out.

I was wondering if you'd call.

So?

I'd love to see you.

No, seriously, that took forever.

I'd love to see you again.

That's what I'm talking about.

Honestly? Who waits that long?

Yeah, that was my fault.

Fucking guy in the red hat.

Who the fuck are you?

Let's find more pictures of you.

Bingo.

Let's fucking look you up.

Bill.

What? William Matherson, restaurateur.

What a piece of shit this guy is.

Oh, my God. Dude.

I mean, honestly,
I just find it disgusting.

The way that you guys
embrace the single life.

The women? The carousing?

Carousing? Who are you? Cary Grant?

You've been in a relationship
all of two minutes.

And he is already a righteous asshole.

Guys, look, I'm just in love and shit.

And I've had a lot of time to sit and realize
how disgusting both of you are.

- Mostly you, Jason.
- What about me?

You're the worst.
You're pretty disgusting, too.

- You're gross.
- I'm a killer.

What the... Did you...

- Did you post a funny video on Ellie's wall?
- No.

Yes, you did, because
I'm looking at it right now, Jason!

What is it, funny cute?
Or is it just funny?

It is funny cute! Jason, you pussy!

You funny cute videoed her?

I... Yes. I guess. I don't freaking know...
I don't know what I'm doing, man.

Hey, man. I think he loves her.

- I think that's love!
- It sounds like love to me.

- I don't know, man. I don't know. Maybe I do.
- What do you mean, you don't know?

- Well, then you have to tell her.
- You have to.

- It'll be funny cute.
- Maybe I should tell her.

Which is right up your alley.
You love that shit.

Asshole.

I don't even know where to...

What's she doing? Let's stop by her place.
Where's she at right now?

Third Tuesday of the month.
She's at one of her readings.

That... That was some stalker shit.

That's creepy.

It's creepy that you know that.

- I mean, does anybody go?
- No! Nobody ever goes.

- Nobody ever shows up?
- Nobody.

Well, then, you are going to be the guy

who shows up.

"We pounded along,
my father's hand on top of the wheel."

Nobody ever shows up.

Yeah.

"I watched the bats crackle
and plunge against the sky.

"They never knew here.

"They only knew the echo of there."

Thank you.

Thank you, Ray Floreson.

I have to do something.

Does anybody have any questions?

- What should I do?
- Something.

Yeah. I have something
that I would like to read.

From my novel.

It's not really the kind of place
where you can share from your own work.

Thank you very much. Honor to be here.

This is good.

Tough act to follow.

Then don't.

I'm a big fan of your work.

I'm so sorry. I...

No. Please.

And then the other guy
asked to buy her a drink,

right as Jason walked up.

And so she asked that guy,

"What happens if I enjoy the drink?

"What happens then?"

And he pretended not to know the answer.
So she told him.

She asked if they would play beer pong

in that shitty bar with his friends

until they headed back
to his place in Murray Hill.

She asked if they'd have to
listen to his roommate

fuck Hilary or Emily,
or whatever her name was

till they fell asleep.

And she asked him if a year later,
they'd still be there in that bar.

The only difference being that
now he feels pressure to get married

and have kids, because he thinks
that that's what she wants.

And then in the summers,

they would drive up to the shitty Hamptons.

To meet his shitty parents.

Wondering the entire ride if they'd think
that she was pretty enough.

Smart.

Wondering the entire ride
if they think she's smart enough.

Because no one was.

And no one ever will be.

And Jason knew that now.

And he would give anything
to go back to that moment.

The moment where they first met.
Before anything went wrong.

Before he didn't show up for her
when she needed him most.

Before he understood that
being there for somebody

when it's most difficult is
really all that relationships are.

Jason knew that now.

And he was so sorry for what he had done.

But Jason also realized that
in that moment,

he wasn't afraid, because he

thought she wasn't the one.

He was absolutely terrified,
because he knew she was.

And if she could give him
just one more chance,

just one more chance,

she knew where to find him.

It's 2:18 in the morning
in the middle of February.

I've been sitting on a park bench
for almost four hours.

I'm fucking freezing.

Why am I sitting here?

Why am I still sitting on this bench?

So?

I didn't know you could change colors!

Just stop.

Your dick looks like a sad giraffe.

- Your dick looks like a shaved hamster.
- Stop.

Can you guys stop?

Your dick looks like my dick

if it were bigger and blacker.

Cut!

Did you friend that girl yet, Mikey?

Yeah. I told that assistant at Vogue

I couldn't hang out with her
'cause I was taking a shit.

Whoa. Look at that
fucking crazy bruise on my arm.

You see that bruise?

It's from fucking acting, bro.

Yeah.

Fuck you up.

Wait, I'm fucking this up.
Can we just do this one more time?

Let it go.

It's 'cause you're holding your
imaginary dick the whole time.

That might be it. Can I just whip it out?

Mike, we all know you're a two-hander.
So just, you know...

Oh, shit. He knows me.

That's not a nipple.
That's not my... That's a fake.

That's a sticker.
I don't have nipples like that.

So maybe I'm the best ever
receiving blowjob... Ever.

At receiving. Fucking mother sucker.

So maybe I'm the best ever
at receiving blow...

- There are no "evers" in the whole thing.
- What?

Can we just write it on her fucking head?

Maybe I'm the best ever.

No. No "ever."

Probably gave me the best blowjob ever,
in the recorded history of blowjobs.

"And she gave me perhaps the best blowjob
in recorded history."

There's no "ever."

What are you doing?

I ain't doing nothing.

Yes, you are.

I promise.
I'm acting satisfied. Okay? Jeez.

Oh, God.

"Doing the thing"?

Yeah, I miss that. And I'm not gonna
be able to do that if I'm with Chelsea.

I'm gonna miss, like,
sharing a mouth with you.

I miss that so much, man.

There's the paparazzi!

No way!

Oh, my God!
They're not even pointed at Miles!

Asshole!

Nobody cares about me, bro!

I might be really fucked up.

But I think Omar from The Wire
is sitting on our couch.

It's him! It's him!

Yes!