Original subtitles

-NARRATOR: Imagine meeting yourself.

Who do you see?

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♪♪

- It's wrong. - What?

-What?

Really. What?

Look, everything. All right? Everything is wrong.

-Well, I read that every reunion is different.

-Don't call it that.

-What do you want me to call it, Tom?

-I don't know, but it's not a reunion.

- Mm... - I shouldn't have called.

All right? I should have never called.

-I wouldn't be here if you hadn't called.

-That's what I'm saying.

My nose isn't...

I have a...

And your neck!

It's all, like, fuckin' necky.

-We're identical, Tom.

You think this is easy for me, to meet you for the first time?

Well, fuckin' A, it must be easy for you.

If you think you look like me,

it must be like winning a fuckin' jackpot!

-Oh, you're an asshole.

- You can't call me that. - I just did, asshole.

-You... You can't do that. All right?

There's... There's... There's a user agreement.

It's not supposed to be like this.

-Well, what'd you expect, we'd blow each other?

-I saw one of these reunions on the "Today Show." Okay?

A doctor told me about it, said I should see it.

So I YouTube'd the damn thing and... there she was.

[liquid pouring]

National treasure, Hoda Kotb.

She had this old woman on. Ovarian cancer. Her.

They brought out the old woman's twin.

God, they were identical.

Carbon copy.

I mean... there were tears,

and they were holding hands.

And no one could believe it, I mean...

her family was there and they were just...

And it was all like...

That's why we're even here.

That's why I looked up the website.

That's why I called the customer care rep,

paid the 30 grand and agreed to wait six to eight weeks.

It's just all fuckin' wrong.

-Well, like I said, every reunion is different.

-I said don't call it that.

-What would you like for me to call it, Tom?

-I don't know.

A meeting, a.a.a business meeting.

-Well, most of these are done at home.

-Well, I would never let you near my family.

[coughing]

[breathing heavily]

-Look, I'm sorry Hoda Kotb isn't here.

-It's not about Hoda Kotb.

-This was never gonna be like the "Today Show," Tom.

And it's because the company chose that old woman,

because she was sweet and kind,

and she was a good crier,

and she was from Akron, Ohio, and she wasn't an asshole.

You are an asshole, Tom.

And this is your nose, and these are your eyes,

and your neck is pretty fuckin' necky.

I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you that, but it's true.

-I didn't pay 30 grand to be criticized like this.

I'm calling customer care.

-You know what that could do to me?

-Yes, I do.

Yes, returning customer.

-MAN: [on phone, indistinct]

-Yeah, hi, Bennett, how are you?

My name is Tom Wykgowski.

Account number? I don't have it.

Oh, I can just ask...

-MAN: Tom, are you still there?

Yeah, I'm still here.

-854...

- 854... - 33...

- 33... - 2...

- 2... - 9.

-9.

Yes. Okay. Yes, hi, Bennett.

Yes, he came today. Right. But I paid 30 grand for this...

[scoffs] He looks nothing like me.

All right, fine.

You know what? Looks aside...

He acts nothing like me, Bennett.

He's... He's petty, he's sarcastic,

and he's a fuckin' asshole.

No, Bennett, I'm not an asshole.

-[chuckles]

-You can look up my account all you want...

Well, what's an asshole quotient?

And how the hell am I a seven?

Mother... Look, I want my fuckin' money back!

I want a full refund. That's right.

I'll drop him off at the nearest packaging center...

This is supposed to be more like Hoda Kotb!

-How'd that go, Tom?

-Well. [coughing]

Look, the guy from your company said

my asshole quotient is seven.

-You called your daughter's friend a dipshit

two days ago over text to your wife.

- Well, Bailey is a dipshit. - She's four, Tom.

-[sighs] What other quotients are there?

-Anger is a six.

Sarcasm is an eight.

Fear is a nine.

-Who did you even talk to about this?

-Your mom.

-You talked to my mom?

-And I had a lovely time.

-What did she say?

-Well, she told me all about you.

- What did she say? - That's confidential.

-Please.

-She said you picked your nose a lot as a kid.

She said you hated her tuna casserole.

She said she once walked in on you masturbating

to an episode of the "Powerpuff Girls."

-That never happened.

-She said she's angry with you.

She doesn't know why you haven't called her

in five months.

-Does she hate me?

- Why would she hate you? - I don't know.

- Why would your mother hate you? - 'Cause I'm leaving.

-But you're not leaving.

-I am, though.

-Tom, you're not leaving.

-I'm leaving.

Four to five months.

That's how long they said I had left, right?

That's what they gave me. - I know that.

But your not leaving.

It's not your choice.

It has nothing to do with you.

Now, of course, she doesn't hate you.

She loves you.

That's why she's angry with you, she just...

wishes you would call.

Look, I know you.

- You don't. - I do.

Parts of you, at least.

And I know that you're not gonna let

30 grand go to waste.

We don't have a lot of time left together, Tom.

We only have about... 15 minutes.

And we have a lot more to cover.

So...

I think we should get started, right?

-Fine.

-Okay.

-The accounts can all be accessed

through my computer. - I know.

-So you need to make sure that you're diversifying the fund.

-Class C-53 bonds at a net rate divestment of

34.56 percent market cap.

I spent the morning looking over your books.

-You can't just...

That's 15 years of work.

It took me 15 years to build that.

-And it adds up to a simple algorithm.

Just a simple code.

It's amazing what we spend our time doing. Right?

[chuckles]

Tom, I've poured through millions of your emails,

text messages, photos, home videos, blog posts,

Twitter feeds, pig vid stories,

but I need things that can't be measured.

Or read. Or viewed or seen.

I need things that make you you.

Do you understand?

-I guess.

-Okay.

So, tell me about Kelly. Where'd you two meet?

-You read my questionnaire, you know where we met.

-It's not about where you met.

It's about how you tell me where you met.

What it sounds like in your voice.

What I see in your eyes.

-We met through friends.

We were both living in L.A. and...

we went out on a date.

Like they used to do in the old days.

We got together and...

kind of never got "untogether."

-So what do I need to know about Kelly?

-What kind of question is that?

-The company gives us a list of questions.

This is one of them.

What do I need to know about Kelly?

-This is so stupid.

Okay.

What you need to know about Kelly is...

she's allergic to meat.

- [chuckles] - Which, if you ask her,

she'll tell you that does not mean

she's a vegetarian.

She loves hamburgers and pork chops, tenderloins.

She just gets a nasty rash afterwards.

-So, do I cook her a steak dinner or not?

-[scoffs] You're fucked either way.

-[chuckles]

What else?

-Kelly loves to sing.

But is so self-conscious about it

that she pretends she has a terrible voice

and won't even try.

So you have to have Alexa play show tunes

like "Music Man" or "Oklahoma!",

"Guys And Dolls,"

anything with Doris Day or Vera Lynn.

And then... [chuckles]

She won't be able to help herself.

-[chuckles]

-It's so beautiful.

I'm gonna miss hearing her sing.

Gonna miss hearing a lot of things.

Kelly is a great mom.

Like... a really great mom.

She can anticipate anything.

[sniffles]

And the kids love being around her.

So you have to let her give them their bath.

You have to let her put 'em to bed.

You have to let her read 'em their stories.

And don't get upset if they ask for her when they wake up,

or if they ask for her before they go to bed.

Because they still love you. Me.

It's just different.

And I can't get mad because...

I would love her more than me, too.

-Hm.

-I do love her more than me.

That's why I paid the 30 grand.

[sniffles]

When we saw the thing...

Hoda Kotb was...

I just didn't want her to be alone.

-Mm-hm.

-[chuckles]

Kelly farts, man.

[laughing]

God, she really does fart.

It's the silent ones. Code red.

[laughing]

Those are the ones you gotta watch out for.

Can you smell? - Technically.

-God. Then I apologize ahead of time.

-[laughs]

-I'll even miss her farts.

[both laughing]

-What about Wilder?

- Wilder. - Mm-hm.

-My boy.

Wilder is a genius.

Like, he... he's really smart.

Now, you know how every parent thinks their kid is a g...

Well, you don't know, but every parent thinks

their kid is a genius,

but Wilder really is, I mean, he's...

He's a genius.

He's really kind.

So kind.

And he loves not knowing things,

which is really hard because he's a genius.

But he loves it.

Because he loves discovering new things.

He'll go down a Wikipedia worm hole

for a week,

and become an expert on the most random things.

Pez dispensers and Micronesia.

Or lymphoma.

And he loves playing with his action figures,

making stories up,

and I... I love watching him.

But he gets embarrassed if he knows...

if he knows I'm there, so...

I can't let him know.

Sometimes, when he knows I'm there,

he'll call the figures Dad and Wilder,

and he'll make 'em go on these incredible journeys,

these incredible... incredible adventures,

all because he knows I'm watching,

and he knows it makes me so happy.

-I don't know, Tom.

I don't know that he knows you're watching.

I think he just does that.

-[sniffles] Yeah.

He loves when I get him Rocky Road ice cream

from Carvel. [chuckles]

And he hates when I'm on the phone for work.

I'm on the phone too much.

-So I'll be on the phone too much.

-No.

He'll be really strong for Kelly and Peg.

-And Peg.

-[chuckles]

Peg.

She's the boss, man. She's the commander in chief.

My little girl, the... the... the queen of the castle.

And tough as nails.

I remember when the adoption agency brought her home,

and I held her in my arms, this... this little creature.

I held her in my arms, man.

And that little heartbeat

told me everything I needed to know;

all the secrets, all the instructions,

and from then on... [chuckles]

She's like me.

For better or for worse,

she's a little me.

[laughing]

Peg won't go to bed

unless you give her three kisses on her cheek...

two kisses on her forehead...

and one little kiss on her nose.

And Peg's not scared of anything.

Which sounds like what you'd want from your kids,

but what you actually want is for your kids

to be scared of certain things.

Like raccoons by the trashcan or a hot stove or...

speeding cars or heights and...

you just can't let her out of your sight.

Ever.

Which seems like a task but...

now... I wish...

-You'll never have to let her out of your sight again.

-Oh. And me and Peg have this... this secret handshake.

So it's...

One, two, three.

One, two. One.

You got it?

Okay, faster.

[chuckling]

Yeah.

-Well, it sounds nice.

-What's that?

-Being here.

Being you, just... being.

-Yeah.

It's nice.

Sometimes hard.

But I guess it beats the alternative, right?

-Tom.

-Yeah, Tom?

-I'm glad you're here.

I'm happy that you... you get to be.

- I'm nervous. - About what?

-Well, that I won't be just like you.

That I'm gonna be imperfect or...

gonna do something wrong.

-Then you'll be just like me.

Shit, I'm nervous, too.

-About what?

-That you'll be just like me.

-I don't understand.

-Yeah, and then they'll forget about me.

-They'll never forget you.

-How do you know?

-Because I'll make sure that I won't be just like you;

that when Peg asks for a kiss goodnight,

I'll give her two kisses on the cheek instead of three.

And when Wilder asks for Carvel,

I'll bring him Cookies and Cream

instead of Rocky Road. - [chuckles]

-And when Kelly farts loudly,

I'll call it a code red

that just for a moment... - [chuckling]

-They'll remember.

And I might look like you, sound like you,

feel like you, but...

I'm not you.

Never will be.

I never could be.

-But what if... what if they send you back?

What if they say there's an error,

and they have to send a new you,

and you have to teach him how to be Tom?

-Yeah, but I still would have been Kelly's husband.

I still would have been Wilder and Peg's dad.

I still would have been.

For a little while.

-And you know... You know what else?

You know what I realize?

-What's that, Tom?

-You're the luckiest man in the world.

- Well, that makes you... - That's right.

I think I am.

-We're out of time, Tom.

-Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot lately.

-Anything else you want to add?

-Everything.

I want to add... everything.

But there isn't time, is there?

See?

This is what I imagined.

[chuckling]

When I saw the Hoda Kotb thing, when I called...

This feels right.

-Tom.

-Yeah.

-I'm sorry I called you an asshole.

-I am an asshole.

-No. You're just a person.

A human being.

That isn't always easy. And that's okay.

- And, Tom. - Yeah.

-I'm glad I got you.

I mean, I'm glad I'm you.

-Me, too.

Me, too.

♪♪