Original subtitles

NICK: I know it's in here.

‐ This is so stressful. ‐ Okay, okay.

No, no, I got‐‐okay, let me read one line.

‐ Okay. ‐ 'Cause this is the best part.

‐ Okay.

‐ "Here was a woman"... ANNIE: Mm‐hmm.

‐ "Bound by oath to care for my health."

‐ Yes.

‐ "Suggesting that I amputate my stomach

in order to fit some male‐driven aesthetic"...

ANNIE: Stop. ‐ "Ideal."

‐ You don't need to read it... NICK: Gold.

‐ Out loud to me.

‐ It's gold. ‐ Thank you.

‐ You tore Dr. Monte Cristo‐‐ ‐ Monte Cristo?

It's Montevista. ‐ I mean, you nailed her.

‐ You think? NICK: Yeah.

‐ Okay.

‐ You are, like, very sweet on the outside,

but there's something terrifying‐‐

‐ No, no, it's bad in here. I got‐‐I'm up to something.

‐ Whatever you want, I will do it.

Don't‐‐just don't hurt me. ‐ I could, though.

‐ I'm so scared right now. [chuckles]

This is why I gotta keep taking you out to breakfast, I guess.

‐ Yeah.

‐ I gotta stay on your good side.

‐ That's right.

One false move, and you're fucking dead, bitch.

‐ I will not make a single false move.

‐ Thank you. ‐ Yeah.

‐ [laughs]

Um, I should go to work, you know?

I'm, like, gonna be late. I think I have some cash.

‐ Uh, I got it. Don't worry about it.

‐ Wow, okay.

‐ Yeah, am I gonna see you this week?

‐ I mean, I'm around, you know,

but don't act like you're not gonna, like,

text me in an hour. ‐ Okay, you know me.

‐ [laughs] Bye.

‐ I'll see you later.

[upbeat music]

SINGER: ♪ Baby ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ She mean the magic place ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I got a real good reason ♪

MAUREEN: Annie! ‐ Whoa.

‐ Annie, wow, your article. I really related to it.

My doctor's in his 80s, and the last time I went in,

he diagnosed me with hysteria. ‐ Oh, gosh.

Maureen, well, yeah, I don't know.

I just thought if maybe I shared my experience,

I could help someone. ‐ Yeah, you really helped me.

I am never going to the doctor again.

‐ Oh, that's not... what I was trying to say.

Excuse me, hello. ‐ Hey, buddy.

‐ Oh, wow, is this Nick's cover?

‐ Yeah, it's good, right? ‐ Oh, yeah.

‐ Wish I could use him every week.

ANNIE: Oh, my God.

‐ What's that?

‐ Well, I'm just‐‐ I'm gonna text it to him.

‐ Oh, yeah, you could do that,

or you could just show it to him at breakfast.

‐ Okay, yes, I am having male breakfasts,

but don't look at me like that 'cause it's nothing serious.

‐ Well, that's good because I think I know somebody

who is perfect for you. ‐ Oh, okay, I'm interested.

AMADI: Yeah? All right.

Well, I was talking to my buddy Will, all right?

I've known him for a really long time‐‐

since high school‐‐ he works at the science museum.

He is perfect, and I realized that you two

are probably perfect for one another.

‐ Wow, you've said we're perfect for each other,

like, three times. ‐ That's perfect.

‐ Oh, my God, okay, well, then give him my number

and tell him to text my dumb ass.

‐ I will do that.

‐ Ooh, God, I'm juggling a lot of nasty boys.

‐ Nasty girl. ‐ Ooh.

♪ ♪

‐ I can't believe I gave that girl

the best haircut of her life, and she repays me

with a turd twice her size.

‐ What kind of person doesn't plunge their own dump?

That should be federal law. FRAN: I know.

And to think that she was sitting on this dump

the whole time I was cutting her hair.

‐ Wow, what a sick fuck.

‐ God, I'm so tired of clients invading my space.

I want my home to be my home, and my work to be my work.

‐ Why don't you get a job in a salon?

‐ Because I worked in a salon in college,

and it's just a lot of towel folding

and backstabbing between girls named Lauren.

‐ You should check out this place Shave.

My friend Murray loves it.

It's very, like, queer and collective‐y.

‐ Hmm.

That's very helpful and supportive,

which feels shady for some reason,

and I should probably get therapy for that instinct.

‐ Yes, you should, and then you should

check this place out.

‐ Yeah, I think I have time tomorrow.

But if I have to fold one towel, even a queer towel,

I'm gone.

‐ So that's hate speech. ‐ Hi, baby.

‐ Oh. ‐ How you doing?

‐ [imitates British accent] And I'm actually good.

And I'm actually really good, thank you.

‐ Uh, so that's the new reimbursement policy.

Also quick shoutout to Annie's doctor takedown piece,

which is smashing our traffic records.

[cheers and applause]

‐ Way to go, Annie, whoo! ‐ Oh, yes, wow!

Oh, thank you so much, Annie. ‐ Yeah!

REGGIE: Wow, thank you so much for breaking Ryan's heart!

‐ Stop it! ‐ Stop what?

Us from protecting our guy? Never!

‐ Okay, do we really need the distro guys,

like, at a content meeting?

AMADI: Unfortunately, yes.

"The Thorn" needs content engagement

now more than ever,

so everyone here

is actually now a "Thorn" content creator.

REGGIE: Yes! BEAU: [laughs]

‐ I'm a content creator!

‐ Oh, you can do your vlog.

‐ Wait, how is that gonna work?

‐ Well, our seasoned writers are going to tackle

the bigger issues, and everyone else

is going to pitch stuff to pad out the blog.

‐ Can we do "Top Ten Angels to Pray To?"

‐ Yeah, that sounds good.

‐ Oh, you guys are gonna love my political cartoons.

It's like "Doonesbury" but a porno.

REGGIE: That's literally‐‐ I told you that idea.

‐ Yeah, but you didn't put it on paper.

Ah!

‐ Okay, okay, guys, save those pitch ideas

for next week, which is Brain Cabin.

REGGIE: Oh, I'm gonna go to Brain Cabin,

get my brain sucked out by the CIA.

‐ Why would I do that? ‐ Yeah, no thank you.

Why would I do that?

‐ Actually, Brain Cabin is a lot of fun.

It's, like, our annual camping trip

where we get to pitch new ideas for issues, so...

‐ Last year, Gabe paid for a s'mores cart

that burned Angus so bad he had to go to the hospital.

‐ It wasn't so bad.

‐ Oh, Annie, you got a call in my office

from a certain Dr. Montevista.

REGGIE: Ooh! BEAU: Ooh!

‐ The principal of the newspaper wants to see you.

Ooh! ‐ Ooh.

Have fun in detention. ‐ Yeah.

MONTEVISTA: I got a review calling me "Dr. Dumbshit"

just for doing my job.

‐ Look, you know, it's not my responsibility

to teach you how to treat fat people with dignity, so...

MONTEVISTA: Well, that's why I'm calling.

My practice will be implementing

a health at every size approach.

‐ Wow, wow, that's amazing. Thank you.

MONTEVISTA: So you'll take down the slanderous article?

‐ Uh‐‐

‐ Oh, that goes against everything we believe in.

If you have a problem with that, talk to our lawyer.

Thank you and fuck you.

Triumph! ‐ Wow.

‐ "The Thorn," "The Thorn" changes the healthcare system.

God, doctors are just drug dealers

with their finger up your ass, aren't they?

‐ Yeah, yeah, thanks for having my back.

‐ Well...

not that you do the same for me.

‐ Gabe, what's going on? I thought we were good.

‐ Well, we were good until you sold me out to Sheila

at that ladies who talk shit lunch.

‐ I really didn't.

All I said was that Amadi is great.

‐ Yeah, Amadi's great, she's awesome, and you're fun.

Whatever, okay?

You know, I'm busy with my memoir here.

Too busy to give a shit.

What do you think of this title,

"King of Queens."

‐ Like the TV show?

‐ What is that?

RYAN: Hey, Annie.

‐ Ryan, no, we're not gonna talk.

‐ Okay, totally. BEAU: Dude, what?

She's acting like you don't even exist, man.

REGGIE: You know what?

One of us gets hurt, okay, all of us get hurt.

Listen, attention, everybody!

Attention, there is a workplace safety issue!

Annie is basically a praying mantis

where she eats‐‐ she cuts the guy's head off

after sex and eats the body!

‐ Okay, just stop. ‐ Yeah, Reggie.

Can you get off the table? REGGIE: Okay, just stop.

Get off the table. You know what?

This is for Ryan! [screams]

BEAU: [screams] Oh, my God!

‐ That's right! Oregon, baby!

Best state in the nation!

We got a coast, and I can be in Canada in 15 minutes!

That's right! Fuck you, Annie!

BEAU: Whoo!

RYAN: Annie!

‐ Jesus.

I'm sorry.

I know you don't want to talk to me.

‐ Yeah, well, did you tell them to scream at me

in front of everyone?

I mean, that's fully harassment.

‐ No, I didn't. They just did that.

They're very protective. I'm sorry.

‐ Okay, well, it's very embarrassing

and shitty, and you need to do something about it.

‐ So you get to tell me what to do,

but I don't even get to talk to you?

Is that it? ‐ Yes, that's it.

That's a breakup. ‐ Annie, I don't get it.

Like, how do you go from talking all day, every day

to just nothing?

‐ Because I'm trying to put, like, a separation

between us, okay?

And just because we work together

doesn't mean that we need to see each other.

You guys work in the loading dock.

‐ I mean, Reggie says that the dock is, like, his office

and he needs privacy.

I think he's just jacking off in there.

Look, I'll talk to them. ‐ Okay, thank you.

RYAN: Yeah.

‐ Did you get a car?

‐ I actually borrowed my mom's car

so I could park near you.

‐ Okay, well, you can tell your mom

that she can have her car back.

‐ I'm actually thinking about buying it,

so it'll be my car.

But I get your point. ‐ Okay.

‐ Boundaries.

‐ I don't think it's here, so I'll come back

and check in a couple days when I, like, come

to water the plants and stuff.

‐ Oh, honey, don't overwater my burro's tail.

I can see behind you.

It looks in distress.

‐ No, it doesn't, okay?

Just don't worry. Have fun.

Are you still enjoying the road trip?

Are you the queen of RV life?

‐ Loving it.

This trip is our retirement dream.

‐ Um, how's dad doing? Okay?

‐ Great‐‐after all that time spent in doctor's offices,

it's just so great that your dad is cancer free.

And we can go on adventures again.

‐ I know. I know.

Um, well, when are you coming back?

VERA: Whenever we fucking feel like it.

‐ [chuckles] Okay, got it.

Well, I got it under control, so do your thing.

Explore, y'all.

[chuckles] You deserve it.

Um, say hi to Dad for me, okay? Bye.

VERA: Bye.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

‐ So as you can see, I've also done styling

for photoshoots as well. ‐ Right, yeah, yeah.

No, that's perfect.

We‐‐sometimes we rent out the space to ad agencies,

and we love to offer our own stylists.

‐ Oh, my God, I would love that.

‐ So we have seven stylists here,

and they all contribute 10% to rent

because we're a collective. ‐ This is great.

Honestly, my dream place to work.

‐ Well, now it's not just a dream.

It's a reality. ‐ Oh, thank you.

RICOCHET: There's only two rules.

One, don't be an asshole, and two, be vegan.

Are you vegan? ‐ No.

‐ That's okay.

Just don't do any, um, uh...

God, what do they call it?

Um, you know what I'm talking about.

It's something insane. It's something insane.

It's like‐‐oh, my God.

Barbecuing, don't do any barbecuing here, okay?

No barbecuing within the confines of the salon.

‐ Absolutely, got it. RICOCHET: Great.

Oh, um...

Oh.

It'll be okay.

FRAN: Thank you.

Amazing, thanks! See you next week.

VOCALIST: ♪ Stack, stack, stack it up ♪

PEDESTRIAN: Watch out!

[tires screech]

[metal clatters loudly]

‐ Oh, my God!

♪ ♪

AMADI: Yes, just call me and, like,

tell me how things went unless it goes really late.

Then just have fun and try not to think about me.

‐ [chuckles] Okay.

See, now you're making me nervous.

Can't you just give me his last name so I can,

like, Google him or something?

‐ No, it's more romantic if you do it the old‐fashioned way.

‐ Yeah, I guess that's true.

[phone chimes]

Oh, shit, I think he's texting me right now.

Yeah, he is.

He's asking, "Would you like me to pick you up?"

[chuckles]

‐ Okay, see, that's classic Will right there.

Very gentlemanly. ‐ Yeah, okay.

Well, I'm gonna go now, okay? Bye.

AMADI: Okay, have fun.

[CHAI's "Donuts Mind If I Do"]

CHAI: ♪ With something sometime, somehow ♪

♪ Love for ♪

[singing in Japanese]

♪ That's all I really need ♪

♪ Love for ♪

♪ Everybody fall in love with something ♪

♪ Sometime, somehow ♪

♪ Love for ♪

‐ It's a sign. It's a sign.

Just as I was leaving the salon,

I saw a man get hit by a car.

‐ Oh, my God, was he okay?

‐ Yeah, I think so, but the thing is

is that it's a sign that that's where I need to be.

I start next week. ‐ Babe, I am so happy for you.

‐ There's more.

The guy who was driving the car that hit the bike

was some city councilman, so I got interviewed

by the Portland 16 News as an eyewitness.

‐ Portland 16? FRAN: Yeah.

‐ They put the news in neighborhood.

‐ Yeah.

‐ This is the best thing that's ever happened to us.

‐ Wait, what is? ‐ Excuse me.

This is our home, not some kind of photoshoot

for cute models.

‐ Look, I don't know what you're talking about.

‐ I'm sorry to interrupt, but Fran is going to be

on Portland 16 at 10:00. ‐ What?

Oh, my God.

‐ Yeah, so we need to call everyone we know

and get them to come over and watch me

become a huge celebrity. ANNIE: Shit.

I have this blind date now.

Maybe I could just bail?

I mean, you know Nick

is truly my number one potential boyfriend,

and I don't want to cheat on him

with another potential boyfriend.

‐ No, no, you're not going to bail.

You're just going to come late.

We're doing a little dude tasting pot thing here.

Everything is cooking. Get your mise en place on.

‐ You're right.

I gotta taste all the little man pots.

I eat men.

I eat men.

‐ Sounds gross.

And I eat you too.

‐ Ah, come on.

‐ Hi, I'm meeting someone here.

I think the reservation is under Will.

‐ Oh, yeah, he's right over there.

‐ Of course.

[sighs]

‐ Annie, hi. ‐ Hi.

‐ Hi, wow, it's so great to meet‐‐

oh, oh! My God.

I'm sorry about that. Please take a napkin.

Hi, nice to meet you.

I'm really sorry. ‐ It's all right.

‐ I belong in a cave, I really do.

Uh, sorry. Please keep this.

Shall we sit? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Yeah. WILL: Yeah, okay.

Man.

Sorry again about that.

Well, this has been great.

Should we go back to my place?

‐ [chuckles softly]

[soft piano music]

‐ Um...

Are you all dry now?

‐ Not really.

I think it mostly ended up

[quietly] on those people.

Thankfully.

‐ No, good aim. WILL: Yeah.

‐ Yeah, um...

Well...

you work at the Museum of Science and Industry, right?

‐ Right, yeah, although that makes me sound

like a scientist or something.

I coordinate the kids camps there.

‐ Cool. WILL: Yeah, it's great.

If anything goes wrong,

we put their handprints in paint,

call it science. ‐ Smart.

WILL: Yeah. [chuckles]

So you and Amadi must know each other pretty well?

‐ Mmm, yeah, I guess.

Um...

Yeah, why do you think he set us up?

‐ That's a good question, wow.

Um, probably because you're very pretty and cool,

and I'm divorced.

I don't know if Amadi told you

if I'm‐‐ that I'm divorced, actually.

‐ No, he didn't really tell me

anything about you at all...

Other than that we would be perfect together.

‐ Awesome.

I'm sure it's pretty obvious this is my first date

now as a single person, and I promised

I wouldn't tell you that, but I have,

and now I can see that it freaks you out a little bit.

‐ No, no, I‐‐I think I'm just distracted.

‐ That's okay. I'm nervous too.

‐ Oh.

Should we get dinner?

I read they have a great burger here.

‐ I‐‐I actually think I probably only have time

for one drink. ‐ Really, yeah?

Okay.

‐ Actually, could you excuse me for a minute?

I think I'm just gonna step away.

‐ Sure, yeah. ‐ I'll be right back.

‐ I'll see you soon.

‐ [sighs]

I'm back. [chuckles]

WILL: Yeah.

Well, I didn't know you'd miss me so much

you'd text me from the bathroom.

‐ What?

‐ "On truly the worst date of my life."

I mean, I knew I wasn't killing it.

I didn't know I was doing that bad.

‐ Oh, my God, Will, I'm so sorry.

I obviously didn't mean for you to see that, and‐‐

‐ Yeah.

ANNIE: It's not your fault at all, at all.

I think Amadi didn't actually think

about, like, what we were looking for.

He just sort of lumped us together

because we're both...

‐ We're both what?

‐ I mean, we don't need to get into it, like, right now.

You know?

So maybe‐‐maybe we should just call it a night.

‐ Okay, let's call it a night.

Um, on the bright side,

it's actually the best date of my life, so thank you.

‐ Really?

‐ No.

‐ Yeah, sorry, I don't know.

‐ Hello.

Done already? How was it?

‐ Yeah, it sucked.

I mean, what, Will's fat and I'm fat,

so we're perfect for each other?

That is so fucked, Amadi.

‐ Wait, hold‐‐Annie, no.

Um, hey, Zauna, can you go to bed,

and I'll finish your homework when you're asleep?

Hey, I'm sorry. What?

You think that I only set you up because you're fat?

‐ Yes, and he knew it, and I knew it,

and it hung over the whole thing,

and it was bad for both of us.

‐ Look, I'm sorry you think

that something weird is going on,

but I set you up with Will

because he's a genuinely good guy.

‐ Okay, whatever. I'll see you at work.

[soft dramatic music]

REPORTER: Oregon ranks as one of the highest states

in the nation for opioid and narcotic addiction.

‐ I mean, shut up about opioids.

Where's my moment?

REPORTER: Cause major health and economic...

‐ Wow. ‐ Just be still.

‐ Okay.

She looks like the meanest girl at a child's beauty pageant.

‐ [chuckles]

I'm sorry your date went so bad.

‐ It's fine. Honestly, I don't care.

I'm glad it's over, and now I invited over

the skirt biter. ‐ Okay, sauce pot.

‐ I'm trying to sauce so hard. ‐ [laughs]

Well, tell him to get here soon

'cause he might not be able to get past the paparazzi.

‐ That she called herself.

[laughter]

Oh, I know.

REPORTER: A fender bender really got wheels turning...

‐ Okay, this is it! Everyone, shut up!

REPORTER: Portland City Councilman

Charles Klein's vehicle collided

with a bespoke cycling enthusiast.

Now, the cyclist whose social media

describes him as a penny‐farthing dandy

and man about town... ‐ Hi.

‐ Hey, what's up? ‐ Nothing.

You made it just in time. ‐ Oh, good.

You look great.

‐ No. [chuckles]

REPORTER: Sounds like there was a bit

of a surprising collision for Charles Klein.

‐ Oh, my God, that's Fran. ‐ Shut up!

‐ Fran! ‐ Shut up.

‐ Ma'am, you were a witness to the accident.

Sounds like it was pretty crazy, huh?

‐ Yeah, it was.

HOST: Thanks so much for that excellent reporting.

‐ Whoa!

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, it was!

[all chanting] Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was! Yeah, it was!

[Chika's "CROWN"]

[chanting together] Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was! Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was! Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was! Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was! Yeah, it was!

Yeah, it was!

RAPPER: ♪ They think I'm just passionate ♪

♪ Tryna steer the way while in the dark ♪

♪ Hope I ain't crashin' it ♪

♪ Now my little hobby turned to cashin' out ♪

♪ Thinking 'bout who I'd be if I listened to doubt ♪

♪ Said I'd never do it, well look at me now ♪

♪ Young girl, old dream old soul, oh dear ♪

♪ Plan B, plan well good luck, no fear ♪

♪ Just wait and God will tell you when the time's near ♪

♪ But if I never jump then I die here ♪

♪ They don't ride 'til you pick up speed ♪

♪ They think college is all you need ♪

♪ And I don't blame your brainwashin' on you, G ♪

♪ It took me nineteen years to finally start to believe ♪

♪ And that's me, listen ♪

SINGERS: ♪ I'ma make it in the rain or shine ♪

♪ All about my money, don't waste my time ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna bring me down ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm on an elevator ♪

♪ I'm on to something greater ♪

♪ God is always blessin' me ♪

♪ Tears could fill the Chesapeake ♪