Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Mm.

Weed.

Why did I do that?

I was being bold, that's why my mouth is...

dry. Water.

I always worry that weed will make me idle, you know?

Indecisive, or less ambitious, which would be awful.

Well, you seem happy.

Happier.

Relaxed.

No, I'm just tired really.

Spirited.

Self-conscious.

Go on, then. Eat it.

Eat to your heart's content.

Eat till your hands swell so much

you can't handle the cutlery.

Another bread basket?

Yes, please.

So why are you single, Pete?

What's not to love about Pete?

Uh, well, I'm just gonna be plain with you.

I find women, in the main, intolerable.

But I realised that I can't live without one.

No, I won't live without one.

Right.

My parents, I mean, it's hard to find a love like that.

You know, well hung.

I wanna feel lonesome when my woman leaves the room...

- No, you don't. - He does that, my dad

he sort of hovers by the door while my mother takes a moment.

- God, how stifling. - Or just lovely?

No.

Mandy, uh, I ought to be straight with you.

Um...

I'm a man of faith.

You're fucking joking.

No, I am a religious enthusiast.

W-what a strange thing to say.

Come on, it's nice. I live with hope.

- Do you? - I'm just saying

- I'm a believer. - Well, I'm...

Let's just be honest here...

That seems to be the measure of things.

I have no reason to appeal to you.

- Then why are you here? - I dunno, Pete

- cos I found you interesting. - Not enough to suck me off?

In the spirit of honesty, Pete

you should know I give really bad blowjobs.

- You do have a lot of teeth. - No, my...

my teeth are just big. It's deceiving.

I actually have the correct number of teeth in my head. 32.

What have you got in there, a little bag of shrapnel?

I can see your bloody nerve endings.

If we had a child, we might actually produce something

with average-sized teeth.

Well, that would be a wonderful accomplishment.

Uh, you already have a child, right?

- Yeah. - What are his teeth like?

Dickensian.

And where's the bastard's father?

Ugh.

You set the tone, love, with all that blowjob jive.

When you look at my mouth

do you think it would be anything shy of toothy?

What do you... What do you want, Pete?

Do you want teeth by day, gums by night?

You want me in a set of dentures.

L-Let's just wrap this evening up

with the strap line "grounds for marriage."

No, I don't wanna fucking talk about marriage.

No, I mean, this feels like

the beginning of some missionary shit.

- God is love. - Religious persuasion.

I don't wanna marry you, you'd be a shit wife.

- Yeah, I would. - You're a modern woman.

You want people to think what you say matters.

You want your dinner on the table, right?

- Yeah. - Jesus.

Y'know, you talk of men wanting gummy blowjobs.

Women want more head than ever.

Y'know, less intimacy, more head.

More head. Shit!

Women these days have got more testosterone

coursing through their veins than blood.

Oh, my God.

Mm.

You're gonna...

You're gonna rape me tonight, aren't you?

I mean, those are classic rapist remarks.

Uh...

- I've made you uncomfortable. - No, I feel incredibly relaxed.

Now, should I get the bill, or does that guarantee a raping?

- I'll get the fucking bill. - OK, well, thank you.

You'll marry me in a year.

Unlikely.

Oh, come on. We get on.

I don't want this to be some three-year arrangement

where we're...

you're haemorrhaging your youth to no end.

Work will do that, modern woman.

Let's just say that if, after a year

we're undecided about marriage

then we'll just... we'll part company.

I could see that coming, you ate like a pig.

Come on, please.

Just think about me all night. I pretty much adore you.

Taxi!

I'm gonna go home and wank over your Instagram pictures, OK?

But only the ones with your mouth closed.

Well, I'll look into dentures in the morning.

It's a deal-breaker.

- Mum. - Mandy.

What time did he go to bed?

7pm on the dot. No fuckin' around.

Dad called.

What did he say?

A loan was unlikely.

Are you drunk?

It's the HRT. It makes me slur.

Anyway, I'm off to see the solicitor on Friday.

So, I'll know once and for all.

Be good to know one way or another, do I get a house?

This Pete, are his parents still together?

Oh, I assume so. They're religious.

No, they're not!

- Catholics? - Unclear.

Will he practise safe sex?

We're not having sex.

Oh, God. You don't want another fucking kid.

It's platonic.

You know, I don't...

I've never used a condom. Never ever.

Nope. Not once.

Well, you should probably get tested, Mum.

I mean, Dad... fuckin' hell.

Right, I'm gonna go to bed.

I love you, Mum.

I got stoned tonight.

Was it fun? You deserve it, love. You're lovely.

Even though I feel scared

and angry...

Even though I feel scared and angry

I still love...

I still love and respect myself.

Love and accept myself.

OK, come on. Listen.

You listening? This is gonna be a great day...

La-la, la-la...

Are you listening?

Larch.

I love you.

Yeah.

I love you.

Give me a kiss.

Bye!

You look like the Joker, love.

I'm just really happy.

You fuck.

Handy!

- It's Mandy. - Yeah.

Tall triple-shot soya latte.

- "No fucking foam." - Is there coffee in that?

- That coffee is almost illegal. - It's important to me.

Gloria!

- Oh. - Ah! Shit! Ah...

- Fuck! - Did you not see me?

- No, I was turned the other way. - Right, yeah.

- I'm fucking burnt, you know? - You're fine.

Ugh!

Sorry!

Even though I'm spineless and tired

I still love and respect myself.

...so old. Even though I'm old. I'm so old...

Even though I'm shy, I still love and respect myself.

- ...love and respect myself. - Even though I ate the cake

- I still love and respect myself. - Ah!

Even though I'm clumsy

even though I'm fucking clumsy and late

I still love and respect myself.

Love and respect myself.

...money, cock, promotion...

I still love and respect myself.

Success, achievements, progression

money, cock, promotion.

Mandy.

How big do you dream?

The biggest. You know that.

But are you dreaming as big as those cats out there?

I like to think so.

Look, I know you have a kid.

We all do, and we know that's both

an enormous advantage

- and a crippling disadvantage. - It has its moments.

- You're late. Every day. - Except today.

Your work, your manner.

You're angry, seething. You know people are calling you Scottish?

- I'm not Scottish. - You seem it.

But the material... nobody wants to read about miserable women

because they don't exist.

Nobody cares for old-age saga

because it's terrifying and vulgar.

It feels... Yeah, it feels like you're sinking Chardonnay

and running at twilight, and it's not hot.

And, uh... and you're hot.

Thank you.

Look at me.

No more late arrivals, no more sad women

- no more miserable conduct. - OK.

I bet you're great in bed.

Define "letting herself go."

Define "letting herself go."

You get married to a total babe, yeah?

Perky breasts, a nice firm arse

but she's not perfect, y'know?

Maybe she has a face shaped like a crescent moon.

- Like a Punch & Judy puppet. - But she's loyal and spirited.

- Like a collie. - Yeah, so, it's fine.

Y'know, she's got nice teeth, she's got, y'know, thick hair

but maybe just a slight haunch, like.

But whatever, she's pretty fucking perfect, minus the back.

But, you know, she's got a high sex drive.

I'm not comfortable with this tone.

This is a creative space. A place for confession.

Let's air our grievances.

Men want someone they can laugh with.

Someone they can sit in silence with.

Someone they can shit in front of.

You know, you wanna revel in their brilliance

and have them remind you that you are a fuckin' man.

Pete. You're late.

- Uh... - It's fine.

Uh, big stuff emerging here

can we overlook aesthetic holes in long-term relationships?

- No. - Thank you.

We're all getting uglier and uglier

that's why everything should be done at the height of romance.

Within reason.

No, without.

Marriage, babies...

babies should be born in love and thrust

and immediacy.

You know, these days, we wait and wait

for everything to align with the stars

and it just... it doesn't happen.

And you're not in love anymore, and you're both uglier now

and guess what? She's infertile.

And you can't help but lose respect for her

cos that was her thing.

Fundamentally, that was the one thing

she could do ahead of me... ahead of us

and that's what made her special.

And now I can't smell the...

I-I-I can't see the...

smile.

Yeah, they've commissioned it.

I mean, it's one of the dreams. As you know, I have many.

I mean, it's a chain around my neck if I'm honest

but a welcome one.

You saw that in The Guardian?

In The Guardian?

Didn't know it was in The Guardian.

Googlealert?

Come on, Dad. That's gross.

I didn't know what it means to be on the board.

My name on a chair.

Wouldn't that be amazing?

Yeah, Larch is fine.

Larch is fine. I love him.

I think he'll be into aviation, you know

he just loves things with wings.

I dunno, I think we all worry we're raising psychopaths.

Plane-spotting?

Plane-spotting. That would be amazing, Dad.

I mean, that would... that would really be something.

Yeah.

So...

we're lying there and things are progressing

and his head is moving its way down my torso

and I feel anxious.

- Naturally. - Naturally.

And out of the blue, I feel like I have to comment

on the good state of my vagina.

- Because he knows I have a baby. - Of eight months.

Of eight mon...

- Of eight months. - Yeah.

So he might be curious, y'know

and his ex had third-degree lacerations.

- Fuck. - Literally front to back.

That's just a big hole.

There's no coming back from that.

- No. - Just a hole.

- Vaginal prolapse... - Anyway, uh.

I say, "My vagina's really tight."

Informative. Reassuring.

- It's in really good nick. - Like a car?

- I go on. - Mm.

"I had a C-section, see?"

And he's like, "Oh, cool. Show me."

- Mm? - Shh.

- So I show him my scar, right? - Yeah.

And he starts kissing it.

And he starts licking it, and I'm like...

It's still raw down there, y'know?

I have very little sensation.

And he carries on, he's like, "Oh, I love this scar.

Oh, you brought life into the world through this

it's so natural. So yummy."

- It's barbaric. - And I just wanna say to him

"Yeah, it wasn't your fucking child

that came out of this wall, it was Nick's."

He was there to witness it.

And this bloke is getting over-sentimental

about some other man's child during our sex.

- Yeah. - And it makes me feel sick.

And sad. Because I miss Nick.

- Really? - And I can't believe...

Fuck Nick.

Who cries on coke!

Come on.

Thank you.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Just try and stop blinking.

Sorry.

I love you.

I missed you today.

Your breath smells.

Why don't they just put the fucker down?

Vic's here.

- Alright, Mand? - Alright, Dad.

New van?

No.

- Lager? - No, not for me.

Suit yourself.

It's a right fucking mess in here.

- He made it, then. - Yeah. He's going to Thailand.

- Is he? - I hope he fucks a ladyboy.

Larch had a good day at school. No kicking chickens.

Small breakthroughs.

- I got chips and curry sauce! - Oh, I hate curry...

Alright, Larchy, that's great. Come on, get to bed.

- Stop that. - Dad, you'll make it worse.

- Let's go. Off. - Go on, Larchy, get outta here.

- Vic... - Vic, I need somewhere to live.

- She needs somewhere to live. - It's been six years.

She raised your fucking family.

She left me.

- It was a good life. - It was a shit life.

- It was a tribute to your life. - I never kept you, Marion

I never limited you, I gave you a mile

you never took an inch.

You had no initiative, you had no great ambition.

I had dreams.

- No, I had no ambition. No. - Tell you what I'll do

I'll give you all my money

and my house

and I'll lodge with you, and I'll pay you

to cook and clean.

It'll be just like the old days, won't it? Eh?

It's lit.

It's lit.

When the house is sold, you can have your half

the better half, the larger fucking half

you'll have something to show for the fruits of your labour.

I'm sorry you were so miserable, by the way.

I'm sorry it was so fucking awful.

I would've stayed if you hadn't made me believe

- I was losing my mind. - Bollocks!

Now, I'll give you an advance on the house

when I can scrape something together.

The balance from your trip to Asia

oh, you fucking soul seeker.

Self-improvement, Marion. Self-improvement.

Enlightenment. Guarantees happiness.

Ask her. Ask Mandy.

- Mm. - You're happy, ain't ya?

- Mm. - There you go.

- Where's Vic going? - Back to his fucking castle!

He's crazy.

Are you stressed?

I'm just hot, and my bloody hands are swelling

like I've got gout or something.

Why are you doing scary make-up?

Does it look scary? It's supposed to look smoky.

- Like a witch? - Do I look like a witch?

- Yeah. - Right, well...

I'll just take it off, then.

Right, come on. This is our next stop.

- Can you put your hair up? - Can I just wear it down?

I just wanna... I just wanna wear it down.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on. Quick, quick!

- Here we are. - Here we are.

Welcome to my life.

Be yourself.

Stop... stop that, Larch.

He... Don't, just... He's fine.

You shouldn't hurt them, Larch, they won't wanna be your friend.

Oh, er... I'm Pete.

And I love being around your mum.

Bit strange, that. Bit assertive.

He responds to more gentle teachings.

Well, I'm a man, so he's unlikely to get that from me.

- Don't be contrary. - Don't be controlling.

Are we about to have a row in front of my son?

He doesn't give a fuck.

Look, he's off kicking pigeons.

Maybe we should focus on that. What's he doing that for?

Letting off some seven-year-old steam?

And treat that twitching thing.

- What's wrong? Are you crying? - No.

How to comfort a crying woman, uh, should I...

I dunno, show you some money?

Or business card with your name on it? Do you need

- to make yourself come? - I cry once a month.

Oh, God, are we talking about bleeding?

You're a bleeder?

That's rare.

- Does that hurt? - No.

- It's actually quite nice. - OK.

Have I got make-up all over my face?

I've never seen you wear so much makeup.

I like it. Your face can take it.

Thanks.

Is it on you? Oh, it's all in your hair.

- Come on, just say "Hi" to them. - Go on.

- Come on. - It's OK.

- Brilliant, aren't they? - See? Yay.

- They're awesome, I love them. - Why're you scared?

Come on, just get in there.

- Come on! - OK, maybe don't push him.

- Hi. - See? Yay.

Hey. Oh, look, they've got one of those...

See? Mum's not scared. Yay.

Oh, my God!

Pick a card!

Go on.

Let's have a look? What's that one, Pete?

- It's a spade. - Is this your card?

Oh, Larch. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Sorry.

Sorry.

What a great hat.

The doughnut!

- Mum! - Thank you so much.

- The doughnut, Mum! - What doughnut?

- Mum, the bloody doughnut! - What doughnut?

- Doughnut! - I'll just get you one of these.

- Larch, have another. Look. - We'll get a different one.

- We'll get one of them. - Who's that? It's an alligator.

Have a rocket, or something.

Larch, get off the floor. What're you doing?

- Off the floor. - Mandy, he can have a rock...

- No, get up. - Look, will you get up?

Larch!

- I'll get you another. - They're all rubbish.

Can you do something? This is embarrassing.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Put your fucking phone away.

- Stop filming me! - Fucking paedophile.

- What are you looking at? - Mandy!

- Get up. - Stop filming me!

- Larch, that's enough. - It's none of your business!

Go away. Go away.

Go away, Pete...

You're embarrassing yourself.

- You're embarrassing us. - I don't care!

I care.

Don't you laugh at me. He's laughing at me.

- I hate you! - Can you help me, please?

What a great day.

Sorry about the screaming.

Pete seemed so stressed

but I got my twitching down by 10%.

- What twitching? - Yeah.

Don't forget to charge the iPad.

Alright.

Goodnight, my darling. Such a good boy.

I love you so much it hurts.

I don't like it when you say that.

Yeah, sorry, I always... I always forget that.

Goodnight, my darling.

Love you.

I found some booze.

Brilliant.

You have a lot of condiments in your fridge.

Yeah. We like sauce.

End of terrace, cul-de-sac salad cream.

Sure.

You alright?

Yeah, I mean...

I was confident that you were not the paedophile

I once imagined

and that you would leave our company swooning with love

and then I would reject that love

and be on top of the world...

Stop talking. Show me your body.

Oh, right, I'll just apologise for my son's behaviour

by sucking you off, shall I?

No, I'm OK, thank you.

I'm hideous, I warn you.

- Oh, please. - Mm! Alright.

Just let me do it for you, OK?

Don't come at me

like some fucking smooth, shiny dolphin.

- None of that. - OK, OK. Fucking hell.

I want to unveil myself to you one piece at a time, OK?

So I can get used to you seeing me naked

and so that I can talk you through

what I physically hate about myself.

I don't know what to say.

Woo!

OK.

These are my breasts.

And this is what they look like when I'm, like

posing and stuff.

And then, this is what they look like

when I'm, like, writing, or just, like

eating a sandwich or something.

You look like you've swallowed a square.

And those boobs should definitely be bigger

to make sense of that back of yours.

Exactly. That's exactly what I think.

OK, these are my...

These are my thighs.

The problem is actually my femurs, you know.

They're just too long.

Just too much femur, not enough tibia.

My feet.

Fuck, that's nail-thickening disease.

You should get all those nails removed.

Just take off all my toenails?

So it's just nail bed.

This is my caesarean scar.

Ah!

Argh!

It's actually, uh...

- it's not that bad. - Please never, never touch it.

I would never touch that. It still looks a bit angry.

Well, I could make it up for you.

Yeah, something that counteracts the red and purple.

OK, I'm gonna show you something really special, alright?

It's in... It's in really good shape

and I feel like once I've shown you this

there will be no flies on me, OK?

I will have totally and physically exposed myself to you

and I will have owned it.

This is my arsehole.

Do you like it?

I mean, me. Do you like me?

Fucking bags!

Angry bags, all over me.

- You alright, Mum? - I'm sad.

And mad.

Pete's here.

Pete.

Marion.

Just came back for my HRT.

- I'll be gone in... - It's alright, Mum.

- You stayed? - Yes.

How long? How long you staying for?

- Indefinitely. - He's joking. He'll be off soon.

- I'll have breakfast first. - We don't eat breakfast here.

I hear you're religious?

Nothing to be scared of.

Well, we're atheists here, Pete. It's put us in good stead.

Has it?

- I wanna take her away. - No.

- Hrm. - I mean yes.

- What about work? - What about Larch?

- Larch too. - Really?

My friend, Cressida, you know, Cressida from Development?

Not by face.

She's an old family friend.

She's getting married. She's very likeable.

I think we should go.

We should go and watch people being happy.

How long will it take us?

- Watch it. Out the way. - Will the airport be busy?

You never tell me! I won't sit next to other children

you know that.

What?

Ugh. OK, alright.

Is there wi-fi?

I'm talking to you, you know!

- Right, that's it. I'm not going. - Larch!

Urgh!

- Larch, come on! - I'm not going!

- No, no, no. - Out the house. Come on.

- Come on. - You're hurting me, Mum.

You're being violent.

- You're hurting me, Mum. - I'm not hurting you.

Fuck!

Can we go?

Can we go?

It's not the end of the world, Mum.

It is the end of the world. Actually, it is.

Did you remember my iPad?

Did you remember my iPad, Mum?

Answer the question.

Answer the question.

- I think... - Not think.

- I'm sure... - How sure? How sure?

Um, 48%?

- Oh, God. - Oh, God.

Hi.

No.

No, no, no. We are not going back.

We're not going back.

Look, Pete's got one.

Pete's got one.

It's 32% charged.

It's the wrong model.

- Does it have augmented reality? - No, no. None of that.

OK. Can we go, please?

- Say, "Thank you." - It's fine.

I'm freezing.

It's fucking fine. Jesus.

Just so you know, you'll be the only atheist in there.

Don't let it unnerve you.

It's fine. It's very hard to feel anything but sorry

for the clinically insane.

You seem anxious.

I'm anxious.

Well bloody done! You made it.

Lovers in transit. Awfully testing.

Pete, you look awful.

- You look ill. - Let there be wine.

Mandy.

Mandy, you are stunning.

He said that you were, and you are.

Thank you.

I love your hair.

It's very hard to work the pixie

but you have the most gifted jaw.

I'm Vanessa.

And this is Evelyn, and Becky.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - Hey. Hi.

- This must be Larch. - Little sister.

You're at death's door. An eating disorder for sure.

Mum, it's time for an intervention. You'll die, Pete.

You'll die on the street under a flickering light.

- Mumma. - Hi.

Was it awful? How are you, darling?

Mandy, lovely to meet you. We've heard a lot about you

and your full-bodied plans.

- Plans? - Marital plans.

OK.

Is that your son over there, kicking our dog?

- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. - He's an angry little thing.

Mandy, I'm Bertie. Short for "Richard."

Thrilled to have you here.

And Pete is very happy.

Let's eat and talk.

- Do you like to talk? - Yes.

Come on.

Shall we?

Let us...

Let us give thanks for these great gifts

of delicious food and wine.

Let us remember how fortunate we are

to enjoy them

and how blessed we are

to share in the great love

around this table.

For all this, we give great thanks.

- Amen. - Amen.

So your mother lives with you?

- Yeah. - Inspiring.

- You know, the Jews... - Don't mention the Jews.

The Jews got it right.

We all need a kibbutz situation

put the children in separate houses

and let us go about our work and honour our husbands.

So, what do you make of Pete?

Do you want to settle with him?

Make him your owner?

"Owner" feels a bit strong.

I barely know Pete.

Larch's father, does he make an appearance?

You don't need time to know Pete.

- Pete's a boring cunt. - Everything you see today

is everything he is.

It's a strength and a weakness.

I'll never be surprised by him.

Surprises can be devastating.

Mandy?

Yeah, sorry, um...

Well, his father had, like...

Sorry, it's just really hard to talk with him over there.

Great that Larch is here today.

Blinking away over there.

- What is that? - Well, when he's anxious...

Which is all the time, so...

Well, Pete's a mess.

- Shut up. - Oh, right. Well, me too.

Me too. And I'm angry.

I'm organised, but I'm fucking furious.

Do you know, I have to get high

just to talk to my husband?

Really high.

It's like therapy for us.

- Well, what about God? - Oh, God?

- Yes. Of course. - Mandy.

I mean, he's harder to access

- than a bag of coke. - Mandy.

- But I couldn't do a thing... - Mandy, the boy. Is he...

- Alright in the head? - He means "a mistake."

- Well, I wasn't gonna abort him. - No, no. Horrible.

Not after two terminations prior.

That's three terminations between you.

- They deserve each other. - Live on an island

dancing around my flag.

Who would I have to thank for life?

Myself?

That's an awful lot...

Self-congratulating.

I can't love Mike without God.

I can't live every day without thinking

somebody had a plan.

Sorry. Sorry.

I didn't know about...

What?

The abortion.

Well, nor did I until afterwards, so...

- Sorry. - Classic Pete.

Mindless Pete, hopelessly thumbing it in

impregnating some old sow.

Some 50-year-old...

Oh, God!

Oh, darling...

Well done, Pete.

Every single dinner...

- Should we go after him? - No, just ignore him.

Husbands should love their wives

just as Christ loved his church

and sacrificed himself

to keep her holy.

He made her clean by washing her in water

with a form of words.

So that when he took her for himself

she would be glorious.

With no speck or wrinkle, or anything like that

but holy and faultless.

In the same way, a husband should love his wife

as much as he loves his own body.

For a man to love his wife

is for him to love himself.

A man must never hate his own body

but must feed it and look after it

as Christ treats his church

because it is his body

and we are all living parts!

When man and woman wed

they become one body.

In summary

let every one of you love your wives

as much as you love yourself.

And let every wife

respect your husband!

Well, you chose it, so you're stuck with it.

- So, it is what it is. - Alright.

It's fine.

Call that a dress?

Built for the bedroom, no?

She's very sexy.

Kinda woman you wanna breed with.

Look at Cressida, and all you can see is milk.

Why don't you fuck her, then?

Sorry. Sorry.

- Oh, you fruits! - You fruits!

Welcome.

- Hi. - Hi.

Stealing our light. We're rotting here.

You're a vision.

Hm. Suspicious dress, darling.

Not as suspicious as that sermon.

Ruffled a few feathers, I'm sure.

- Who chose that? - Oh, me.

Oh!

I know. I'm what you call a post-post-post-feminist.

- Just an original women. - Oh, Mandy.

How do you find the smothering?

Not as bad as the hateful honesty.

Mandy, this guy... these guys... this guy

hellbent on love.

I hope his penis is as big as his heart.

Oh, perfect!

Y'know, take care of him, Mandy

- he's a delicate flower, really. - You're making her sick now.

It's hard to see that sometimes, I know

but that... that's our gift as women

we can see through all that arrogance and rage.

But don't love light

and weaken our brand.

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

You should choose the heavy one.

No, no, not the fat one.

Fat one won't go anywhere.

Always thin. Thin is best.

Yes.

Mandy?

Ugh. You look drunk!

- What're you doing here? - What're you doing here?

It's not a competition.

I'm working with Cressida. We're in a co-pro situation.

Wasteful piece of shit.

I'm based in LA now. Did you know that?

Yeah, the accent.

Between you and I, we used to fuck, Cressida and I.

...fucking die, Mum? Mum!

Your son?

The son of a fishwife.

Boy, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Mandy, Larch, let's dance.

Uh...

Ah.

You look like a monkey.

So everybody says.

Your eyes are too close together. Like Granddad's.

- Like an owl? - Like an owl.

Exactly. A predatory bird.

Cool.

Ooh!

What do you think, Larch?

Should we marry, me and your mum?

She's sad. Too sad for a man.

- Do you like me, Larch? - Yeah.

Yeah, I like you.

You're certainly strange, but it's a strength

- that will set you aside. - Well, you have many strengths.

Mandy, you're sending this boy out into the world.

It's more important now than it's ever been

- for him to be a hero. - Or just a nice guy.

Just what this world needs, another nice guy.

- I really like you. - They fare so well, nice guys.

You should know, I don't wanna spend my life

convincing you that what's going on here is gold.

Especially when you're wandering around, brimming with secrets

then burning up like stars.

- Fucking women. - It's my right to...

You would rather have your son wandering around

believing that all his tics and anxieties

are just his bad luck.

And not because of his cunt dad!

I was protecting him.

From what? From... from what?

A-a man who makes mistakes?

You were protecting yourself.

Fuck!

You know, it's like, it's like

women live in this world that's seen nuclear warfare.

- Yeah. It's been tough. - And nobody lives there

but you guys.

Scratching around for crumbs and daylight

your only comfort being that you saw it all coming...

He would've made me mad.

Oh, you're already mad. You're all mad.

- And getting madder. - Or just better and better.

- No, you're spineless. - Fucking hell. My God.

- Well, go on, say it. - What is going on here?

Like, what is going... It's like, it's like

you've all been living under some fucking rock.

Louder, Mandy, like you fucking mean it.

I said, what is going on here?

I said...

Hey! Oi! Hey, fucking religious people.

Guess what? People love cautiously now

or not at all

and sometimes, Pete, sometimes people live alone.

Twice divorced, and gay as fuck

and fucking richer for it. It's so fucking cultish here.

It's like a fucking intervention every time you open your mouth.

Stop being so impressed by it!

You're a sad and hopeless woman.

Your dad fucks arses.

Sorry.

Oi!

Is that your real face?

Those freckles... they're a gift from God.

Dad.

Oh, God.

I want you to know

I hate you, Dad.

You've made me unusable, I'm a scrap heap.

- You're a gift. - For who?

- Whose gift am I? - You're my gift.

A man wants to marry me, Dad.

- Why wouldn't he? Like I say... - Look at me, Dad.

Stop that.

Stop that.

You know it's calculating

to watch the way somebody moves their mouth.

- It's untrusting. - Well, I am untrusting.

That my fault? Are you gonna help me grow?

Fuck no. I don't want you to grow.

We're all the same, Mandy, all the same

because I'm... I'm missing a bit.

No, you're missing a fucking chunk, Dad.

Mandy. People want to move through life

with their finger on someone. It's comforting.

I don't wanna feel comfortable, I wanna shed skin.

Like a snake.

I wanna feel the effect of every minute

and I wanna feel grateful for it

and I wanna fuckin'... I wanna fuckin' wake up!

I wanna wake up and live!

Understand what I'm getting at?

I want an elaborate family tree

and for our family of followers to look over it and say, "Wow!

That Vic was a cad!"

Or just a cunt.

- "He lived, didn't he?" - Before he died of AIDS.

Do you remember when you were little

and I poured that yoghurt over your head?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or when you refused to wear your lovely new clothes

and I made you wear a bin liner?

Mm-hmm.

And if I died

you'd think about those things all the time.

If you died, Dad

I'd feel sad that you lived such a full and colourful life

but were unable to appreciate any of it.

I'm sorry about your mum.

Yeah. Me too.

It's awful.

I can't believe it.

Really? We've joked about it for years.

Yeah.

Maybe we shouldn't have.

No.

Can't believe you told him first.

I tell him everything first.

Why couldn't it be him?

Why is he even here?

He wants to help.

How can you smoke?

Because I love it.

I'm not scared, Mandy.

There's no point screaming into the wind

asking God for an explanation.

I've never asked him before. It seems silly.

How's Pete?

- Fuck Pete. - Oi.

He's sunshine...

and showers, I don't know

I can't really speak cleverly about him.

Start with his eyes.

Er...

He... Um, they're...

Blue-grey with...

pinprick pupils.

That's a sign of autism.

Is it?

That and walking on your toes, does he do that?

No.

Sure I would've noticed that one.

Well, you'd love him anyway.

Yeah, but with a heavy heart.

Fuck.

I don't know what sun was rising

the day that child was conceived

but it was obviously very bad and very hot.

You know she came out back first, like a shrimp?

Nearly killed her mother. She tell you that?

No.

Yeah.

Is it symbolic?

Nah, she isn't interested...

Fuck!

She used to be such a funny child.

She used to write these little letters

and slip 'em into our pockets.

Little love letters, little requests for money

and then, often, little death threats.

Really? That's amazing.

What, uh... What kind of threats?

Horrible ones, you know.

Ones that'd have you thinking.

Ha.

You seen the way she sleeps, with that smile?

Yup. I love that about her.

What, that manic little smile?

Yes.

Suppose she's gotta smile at something.

God, it's bloody sad.

Mind...

I know what I need to do now.

Pray.

Dear Lord.

When I am afraid

I put my trust in you.

May Marion be wrapped up in your love.

Found deep within your everlasting wings.

Do not let her sins dissua... Um...

no, uh...

D-Deprive. Deprive.

Do... do not let her sins deprive her of your mercy.

Let the healing power of Christ...

help her. Amen.

What?

Will you marry me?

Yes. I'll marry you.

It's mental up here.

You know I've got vertigo?

- Yeah. - So this is quite full-on.

- Sorry about that. - No, it's fine.

I've got cancer.

Yeah.

Mandy asked me the other day

what colour your eyes were and I said I couldn't remember.

Bit sad.

I realised I hadn't looked right at you for almost 17 years.

Yours are hazel.

Well done.

Yours are milky. Misty. Like you've got glaucoma.

Larch says he wants to keep everything I've ever worn.

Bit creepy.

I think it's sweet.

I punished you, Marion, I...

I couldn't believe you did it, you little bitch.

You showed me right up.

You were such a ray of light when I met you

and I just stole from you every day.

Well, that's marriage.

Well, I never said thanks

I just ran away and gave it to other people.

I want yours to be the last face I see

before I die.

Meet Alice.

- She's 22, with a crooked smile. - No.

She gets a fucking whole new mouth

by the end of the episode.

Her mouth wins wars in the company of men.

- Intimacy? - God, no. No.

Alice doesn't need a man.

Better.

- Would it be animation? - Puppets.

Puppetry. Puppeteering.

- Christ. - My heart. I'm excited.

Mandy? What have you got for me, Mandy?

Mandy.

Mandy!

The room is bathed in southern light.

We hear the scratching sound of pen on paper.

We follow a trail of sequins and broken afro.

And we find a woman on her knees.

Back to the camera.

She's black.

Her arse, once a peach, now sits sadly.

We track up her spine to her neck.

And we recognise the most remarkable vocal hum.

With her afro in disarray and madness in her eyes

she turns to the camera.

This is Beyoncé.

And this is her suicide note.

Out.

Everyone out.

But not you.

What, I mean...

what a horrible suggestion.

What...

What do you want me to do, uh, Mandy?

You want me to submit some fucking suicide note

to the BBC and call it "dramedy?"

I mean, it's absurd. It's absurd!

And it's the most unlikely outcome.

I mean, it doesn't even ring true.

Just...

Beyoncé...

has her fucking head in the game.

It will end badly.

You have terrible energy.

I'll overlook that cos your mother's dying

but fuck, I warned you.

And you're so pretty.

Why do you do this to me? To yourself?

OK, what... What're you doing?

Where... Where are you going?

Oh. Oh! Oh, I see. You're fired.

You're fired.

You're fucking fired!

OK, can...

Can we get you all... Can we get you back in here?

Please?

It wouldn't help. It wasn't for you.

Don't.

I'm gonna ask you some questions

- and I want some... - Jesus.

That's your gift to me.

Alright, go on then.

Did you spend that money, from my mum

on that dirty brown Merc?

Yeah.

Did you sleep with Carla behind my back?

That's one of Mandy's little fantasies.

Did you have an affair with Rebecca Staines?

You and me hadn't had sex for months.

Did you have an affair with Rebecca Staines?

- I'm confused. - I'm dying, Vic.

No, Marion.

I did not have an affair with Rebecca Staines.

Thank you.

Fuckin' hell.

Fuck.

You're not hard.

I'm not into it.

My mum's dying in the room next door

I'm on the bed about to suck your cock

can you just get into it, please?

Shall I talk some filth in your ear?

Alright.

I fucked someone else last night.

Yeah?

I didn't want to, but you'd made me sad.

Then he touched my leg

and didn't ask me for anything and that was a relief.

Where did you meet this stranger?

In a coffee shop.

What man drinks coffee late at night?

A sober man. A kind man.

He told me I was the prettiest girl in London.

Oh, Christ!

And I loved that.

And I thought, "I want this kind of encounter for life."

Are you... Are you crying?

No, just...

He promised to never love me

- but to always fuck me. - Oh, I'm cumming!

I told him to cum inside of me.

Oh, yes. I'm cumming!

- And he did. - Oh, fuck.

- He came inside my pussy. - Oh, God! Fuck!

Fuck...

Fuckin' hell.

Fuck sake.

When Nan dies, will she...

Nan says when she dies

she'll just be bones in the ground

and that she'll be eaten by insects.

Nan said that?

Why won't she go to heaven?

She doesn't believe in heaven.

Why not?

People believe in different things.

I wanna go to heaven.

Why?

Because it's warm and better than Earth, of course.

Mum! You'll be there, won't you?

- You'll be there, won't you? - Larch.

- You'll be there in Heaven! - Stop it.

- Stop it. Larch. - You're scaring me, Mum.

Do you not wanna be in Heaven with me?

Course you do! Of course you believe in Heaven.

That's idiotic if you don't.

Don't you? Don't you?

Don't you? You believe in Heaven!

You do. You believe in Heaven!

Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

Course you do. Don't you? Don't you?

Of course you believe in Heaven.

Don't you? Don't you?

Hey.

Oh!

Oh, Lord, help me.

Help me, Lord.

She's a woman in a crisis.

She's a woman without boundaries.

Something we share, perhaps. Should be fun, shouldn't it?

Should be hot, shouldn't it?

Oh, I'm exhausted.

You've tried me, Lord.

You've led me here, you've delivered this anarchist

and I know, "Suffer, suffer. Grow, grow."

But I just wanna suffer in a corner

till she shows me forever.

And what of this man she's fucking in grief?

This coffee shop predator?

Is this my future, or is this a test?

I can't know.

Maybe she was comforting me with this filth.

It worked. She's fucking perverse.

I hate how small my penis looks in her hands.

What are big hands good for, anyway? Building walls?

I just wanna hold a normal hand.

A slight and manageable palm

that willingly joins me on this journey.

I wanna hold a hand.

I'm going to hold a hand.

Are you not in love with me anymore?

What?

Am I not shiny enough?

Just tell me about your day.

Well...

I woke up, I saw you

I felt guilty

I thought about having a wank

but then I decided to do some work on the wedding

and then I'd reward myself with a wank.

Well, we could've just had sex.

Nah.

Let's go home and make a baby.

I only produce strange children. You said so yourself.

Why are you being like this?

Why are you placating me? I'm fucking giving you nothing.

- Just be a fucking man. - Just trying to be respectful.

Why? Just be yourself, Pete.

Just tell me I'm stupid, or damaged.

You... you fucking... you just smack of guilt.

You fucking reek of it. What did you do, Pete?

- What did you do, Pete? - Fucked someone else.

Hm?

I took myself and all that rejection

and headed into town.

Right, I wasn't looking at you for longer than five minutes?

I got fired, is that it?

No, I was happy when you were fired.

You were happy?

It made you vulnerable for once.

And don't talk to me about my indiscretions, darlin'

I think we're both enjoying something progressive here.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

- Slag. - What?

Y'know, I-I want you to know

I couldn't get it up.

Alright? I couldn't.

Did you fuck that coffee shop gigolo?

The man from the other night.

The night of tall tales.

What? What? I'm just being a man.

Be a fucking hero.

Rise above it.

Hi!

...you are a fucking fool, Marion.

Sometimes you behave like a fool.

I've had it up to here with you all this fucking year...

...I hate that jumper

I've hated that jumper for fucking years!

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

A man will always send you mad, Mand.

Always squirrel a bit of yourself away.

Never ever fully disclose yourself to anybody.

I don't want you to forgive your father

but, I dunno, maybe you should.

Got a light?

I'm scared.

Thank you.

Mandy...

Knowing Man... Mandy...

I love and I respect myself...

...even though I'm a failure, I love and respect myself.

Even though I'm a failure...

Even though I'm a fraud, even though I'm scared

I still love and respect myself...

Thanks for seeing me.

Did I break up a party?

Not this time.

You look, um... well, you look lighter.

Since the funeral, I mean.

I'm sorry about the speech that day.

Oh, it's fine.

Why are you here, Pete?

Holding my massive hand?

I found my girl.

Yeah, just when, uh

I was about to turn my back on God, Meredith arrived.

- Out of the blue. - Or the red.

Like you, she's had a rough time

but she's young, so...

You know, I'd never thought about

how much I hated God until I met you.

Sorry.

Why? You don't believe in anything.

Maybe I do.

I miss your misery.

Meredith is beautiful

but she is impressed by everything.

Well, that's youth.

I suppose it works in my favour, she thinks I'm great.

That's what you wanted.

Yeah.

I needed that.

- My ticking's back. - No, it isn't.

Yeah, it is.

Come here.

Listen, if I marry Meredith

I'll never divorce her, so this is...

Mandy?

Mandy!

Mandy!

Every day I spent with you, a little piece of me died.

It's called a relationship, you fuckin' idiot.

Classic male bullshit.

I felt like you sat

right in the way of what made me strong.

And it was a relief.

What do you want, religious man?

I-I wanna feel...

- Ugh. - Ugh.

I-I wanna feel... I wanna feel hopeful.

I wanna feel hopeful

that if this woman walks away from me right now

she's gonna be alright, but I don't know if she will.

Oh, she will!

You swine!

- Fuck off! - Yes, I will!

W-What do you want?

What do you want?

What do you want?

I want a five-hour day.

And I want a fuck-off promotion.

I wanna make... stew that keeps.

- You don't need to make stew. - I wanna have time

to share it with my son.

I wanna masturbate less.

What? I love masturbating...

I wanna like myself more.

I want a man.

No!

I told you this. Come on, Mand.

Fuck this.

I'd like a man.

A kind man.

But you're not the one, Pete.

You're your mother's ruin.

The problem with you, Pete, is you're mean when you're hurt

but you're hurt all the time.

You're broken, Mandy.

I know.

Just, just... just think about your son.

I am.

I love you.

I love you too.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull