Original subtitles

MALE ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: The Lone Ranger!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

MAN 1 ON RADIO: The makers of Fleischmann's High Vitamin Yeast present

I Love A Mystery.

MAN 2 ON RADIO: Hop Harrigan,

America's Ace of the Airwaves!

MAN 3 ON RADIO: A big howdy-do and how-are-you from Chicago, Illinois,

where we're about to bring you the Cinderella story of 1939.

That's right. Local radio station WBN may be small,

but they've got a lot of big dreams.

And tonight, those dreams could come true

as they go nationwide in their revolutionary attempt

to create a fourth national radio network.

Oh, Miss Henderson,

the Biff Blaster, Space Ranger script is a minute and a half over,

and Mr. Whalen doesn't know what he should do.

Well, lose all the exploding asteroids,

give the Venusians one-syllable grunts.

Have you seen the General? No.

I just want you to know that I'm not just a page.

You know, I'm a man of many talents,

and if you ever give me a chance to prove myself,

you won't be sorry, Miss Henderson. Mrs. Henderson.

Her name is Mrs. Right, Mr. Henderson.

Not now, Roger. I don't have time to be talked out of divorcing you.

"Hiya, Roger, that's a swell suit. Oh, the dog says hello,

"and, say, what's that last thing? Oh, yes,

"my life has no meaning without you."

Suit up, fellas. Yes, ma'am.

Penny, this is me. Remember?

The joint checking account, the little hairs on the sink, you know.

How can you throw away everything we have?

Had, Roger. Past tense.

Speaking of tense, I'm busy.

I'm trying to stay on top of things around here.

(DRUM BEATING) I always liked you on top...

Of things. He didn't let me finish.

Walt! Walt!

Yes.

I can't do this scene in the Second Act.

It's terrible! It's unmotivated...

Calm down, boys.

Clive, you're absolutely right.

Now, the problem as I see it is this...

Kill him in the first act. We'll have one more go at it.

Has anyone seen the General?

On stage. On stage.

Let's go, men. No time for slackers.

Thirty minutes to combat. Chest out, shoulders back.

Little more spit on that shine.

Excuse me, General, sir, you're needed back in your office.

Can't lead the troops from the rear.

It's about the script, it's Mr. King.

Carry on, men.

Our sponsor wants to give us a well-deserved pat on the back.

The most revolting, moronic and insipid trash

I've ever read in my life.

And, General, I expect you to do something about it.

Calm down, Bernie.

We're open to suggestions. Damn right you are. And here are mine.

Billy! Billy, my baby! Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Son. Best row in the house.

Looks like we're finally going on the air.

Let's check the tower voltage and turn on the generators.

Those scripts stink! They're not funny.

Here, look at this one.

A philosophy professor who murders people

by convincing them they don't exist?

It's satire, Mr. King.

It's crapola, Mrs. Henderson!

I am General Whalen's biggest sponsor, young lady.

And if I pull out, the others will follow.

You heard him, Henderson. Double-time. Yes, sir.

(LAUGHING)

It's so silly, isn't it? The little disagreements couples have?

Little disagreements?

You had an affair, Roger, with the station manager's wife.

I told you 100 times nothing happened.

Right, with an actress billed as the Va-Va-Va-Voom Girl.

It's not my fault she's done the classics.

Everything was fine, everything was jake,

and you had to throw it all away for one night of pleasure.

Well, believe me, sister, there was no pleasure.

Spare me your shortcomings.

Penny, Penny, did you hear what King just did?

He threw out half the scripts.

He threw out half the scripts.

Someone ought to stand up to him.

Someone ought to stand up to him.

Five primetime scripts, he just gives them the heave-ho.

For the love of Mike, will you say something?

Fix your rug. Oh, my God.

Mr. General Whalen Junior, sir. Yes.

You're the director. Yes.

This is no time to panic. Can you think of a better time?

Five scripts! Five scripts!

Don't! Tell that S-O-B King to do his own rewrite!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Gentlemen, lady, please, a little decorum.

What's going on in here?

You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

Penny's just doing her job. Now, let's give her a little support.

Let's put our shoulders to the wheel, and,

you know, do whatever it is Penny wants us to do.

(ALL CLAMORING)

That's not funny. Listen, kids, I know this stinks.

I know you've been working on those scripts for six months,

and I know we go on the air in 15 minutes.

But somehow, you gotta take these cockeyed notes and make them magic.

You'll get paid overtime.

She's right. That's the word.

Am I a complete raving lunatic,

or have we not been paid anything in the last three weeks?

Can't both be true?

ZOLTAN: The knife in the back.

The sound of the human head smashing.

No. Something is not quite right.

Try honeydew. Good idea.

CLAUDETTE: Because I'm your wife, that's why!

And next time you send me flowers, spell my name right!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, hey... Thank you very much, I was...

Oh, Mr. Katzenback, Ruffles said he'd like to speak to you right away.

Said you'd know what it was about.

Ruffles? Ruffles?

Ruffles. Trumpet player. Oh, please, that horn-blowing...

Now, you listen to me, Junior.

Don't you think that I don't know what's going on,

because I do know, and now you know that I know.

Listen, I don't know what you know that I know,

but I do know that you don't know what you think you know.

Oh, no?

No.

Come on, Penny, back to the booth.

Clearly, this man is an idiot.

Sir? Yeah?

Wrong way. Oh.

Please.

Okay, so he leans over and he kisses the moose, and then...

And he says what? "Honey, I kissed a moose!"

Forget the moose! I could care less about the moose!

I got something else that he could kiss.

All this work without a day's pay!

I think my head's gonna explode!

(EXCLAIMS)

No. Still not the sound of the head smashing.

That's it.

To all the local stations who have affiliated with us,

be assured that I have assembled a top-notch squadron of professionals,

redefining the phrase "grace under fire."

Help!

Miss Henderson? Have you seen her? No.

Miss Henderson?

Anyone seen Miss...

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Billy.

Oh, Mr. Whalen Junior, sir. Yes.

They don't know whether they're opening on the announcer or the music.

Oh, that's right. I forgot to make up my mind about that one.

Okay.

Forty seconds to air, and where the hell is our director?

Okay, I got it. Decision made. Problem solved.

Thirty seconds, Max. That's good. That's good news.

Here we go.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And now, gentlemen, I give you America's newest network,

WBN.

Junior, what are we opening with, music or announcer?

Okay, cue the... TOMMY: 5, 4, 3...

Cue the announcer! Cue the announcer.

Cue Dexter.

DEXTER: Clear the airwaves. Clear the airwaves.

And from the four corners of this great country,

the Whalen Broadcasting Network says,

"Hello, America!"

Please welcome the Rick Rochester Band with The Dead Tones

and the lovely Miller Sisters.

But first, gather up the kids and caboodle

and stay with us till the stroke of 12:00,

for an evening of everything but the kitchen sink.

(DISHWARE CLATTERING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Oh, well, it sounds like we have that, too.

Believe you me, folks, we've got a night full of surprises.

MAN: "Dig and dig to find some dirt

(LAUGHING) "Dig too deep and you'll get hurt"

Something cut in? Well, that's not right.

What went wrong, Max?

Must have been an open mike.

No, no, no. I only have one pot open.

Cue the band. Cue the band.

(SINGING LOVE IS ON THE AIR TONIGHT)

I hate opening nights. Aunt Millie's.

Stand by, Aunt Millie's. Watch that overload.

Zoltan, you got a pen?

Thanks, pal.

(SHUSHING)

Max, promise me nothing else is gonna go wrong tonight.

Promise.

We've got a show, people.

MAN: Out! No writers backstage.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(PLAYING OFFKEY)

(THUDDING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

What a ham.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(MAN WHISTLING)

Get him off.

Close the curtain. Close the curtain.

Cue the commercial. Cue the commercial.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

He's dead.

(ALL GASPING)

Stand by, Black Whip.

Will you stop fussing?

Hate to be a stickler for detail, but we don't have a script.

We don't have... We don't have a script? Where is Roger?

Billy, would you get to the writers' room?

Tell Roger we need that script right away.

Right. You can count on me, Miss Henderson.

Through rain, snow, sleet... Billy, beat it!

Keep going.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So the Black Whip hits him on the head with his log.

Dad, he doesn't have a log, he has a whip.

If he had a log, he would be known as the Black Log.

What do you expect me to do, improvise?

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Let's get back to what we're not getting paid for.

This ending is strictly phonus-balonus.

Can't we find a fresh way out of this?

Let's think... He could hug him.

Hug him? Hug him?

Yeah. Tell him they're long lost brothers and make him his partner.

Morgana, you did it again.

You know, she did it again! Let's go, let's go!

We lost him.

Not again. Not again.

This is just horrible! Not really.

Catch your head in a threshing machine, now that's horrible.

How convenient. Oh, shut up.

Out of the way! Out of the way! Watch it, Billy.

(ALL CHANTING)

This new ending's gonna knock them dead. Hey, you guys,

where's the...

Script?

MAN: Move! Move! Come on, go!

We've got to talk, Junior. Not now.

Gangway! Coming through! Coming through!

Hot script coming through!

Hang on to your toupee, Junior.

(GROANING)

MAN 1: Hi, Roger.

No, no, no. I'm okay.

I want my script! I will not go on without my script!

(GROANS)

MAN 2: Sorry, Mac. This way out, guys.

It's amazing people don't get killed around here.

(EXCLAIMS)

Moley hokes! Ruffles is dead. I can't believe it.

Hey.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, you need a fill-in on trumpet?

Just keep her on, keep her on. Get her back on.

It's incredible. The woman's been doing the same damn thing

over and over and over again for five minutes.

MAN: Get this stiff out of here.

The girl has about 30 seconds before she drops.

Five bucks says you're wrong. You got it.

Fellas, wait! Hey!

(GROANS)

Mr. H, where'd you go? Come on, Penny needs that script now!

Roger!

Oh, God.

Well, she brought down the house.

Let's go straight to another commercial.

Cue the King commercial. Cue Dexter.

Well, we all know the Black Whip's unbeatable,

as unbeatable as a bottle of King brew beer.

Is the Black Whip standing by?

BLACK WHIP: I don't care if their sponsors are here!

I asked for a big gun and they give me this silly little teeny one!

Phil sounds nice and relaxed.

Roger, where the hell have you been?

The, the... What? Spit it out!

The lights were against me. Go!

(ALL SHOUTING)

And like the Black Whip, it's strong.

Oh! The typist.

Nice of you to join us!

(WHIP CRACKING)

Phil. Thirty seconds, Phil.

That filthy mess is my script?

(GRUNTING)

DEXTER: Some pals are dropping by after a day at the ballpark.

Which beer will replenish their zest and bring that sparkle back to their eye?

Look, Phil, come on, cut it out!

Fifteen seconds. Fifteen seconds!

(CHOKES)

Cue the organ.

DEXTER: The Black Whip.

Cue curtain.

They call me the Black Whip.

(CHOKING) The other way. The other way.

Are you all right? Oh, peachy, now.

I could use a hand up, though.

Well, looks like we lost the evil Freeman gang, Happy.

Let's ride the DBs on this whip crack.

BLACK WHIP: I don't like it, Happy.

It's too darn quiet out there.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) Listen, nothing but crickets.

HAPPY: Look out for that rattlesnake, Black Whip!

Hand me my whip, Happy.

You got him, Black Whip.

Oh, no, the Crazy Gulch Gang!

(GUN FIRING) Here they come. They're shooting at us!

Lookit. Oh, no!

Knock it off, Roger.

Have you finished the Gork: Son of Fire script yet?

It's percolating.

Well, bring it to a boil.

Oh, come on, Penny. Okay, okay. Now, here's how I figure it.

We met working on the radio, we got married working on the radio.

We can't get divorced. You might end up marrying out of the medium.

PENNY: Great idea. Someone with less imagination.

Less imagination? Have you seen Walt Junior?

No, ma'am. Where the hell is he?

Well, excuse me, operator, I think I have a bad connection.

And, say, if it's Claudette you're talking about,

that was your imagination!

My imagination!

I saw you locked together in her dressing room

like Siamese twins attached at the zipper. But she attacked me.

What? Assault with a friendly weapon? You were lying on top of her.

Oh, now, come on, Penny. She took me down with a headlock.

I never knew what hit me.

Your shirt was off! It ripped on the hat rack when I fell!

Well, she wasn't wearing a stitch!

Breakaway evening gown?

Okay, okay, so the woman holds the land speed record for stripping.

What is it, sweetheart?

Well, I...

Mr. Ruffles...

I mean, I know nobody liked him, and he drank and all,

but I'm just thinking about his wife and his four kids,

and it's just so awful.

(SOBBING)

Ruffles is dead?

This is no time to give up.

We're all wearing our Thermic Molecular Transometer suits.

They should protect us

in our quest to thwart the Neptunian lava monster.

BETTY: Biff, it's getting closer!

(GROWLING)

Jumpin' jiminy gee whiz, Biff!

Quiet, Jimmy.

There's no time for that now.

Betty, let me check your tubes.

Check anything you want, Biff.

After all, the future of the universe depends on you.

Okay, okay, so you don't believe me.

But if you just give me a chance, I'll prove it, Penny.

Prove to me you can rewrite Home is Where the Heart Aches.

For Pete's sake, come on. I need that script in 12 minutes, Roger.

You'll get your rewrite and proof positive

there's no funny business between Claudette and me.

PENNY: Wabash 3-1800, please.

Did you happen to find us a director?

Mrs. Reedy? Oh, standby, Polka Minute.

(POLKA MUSIC PLAYING)

No, no, Claudette. What about Ruffles? You big octopus.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) ROGER: Claudette.

(SHUSHING)

Caught me at a bad time, kid. I'm in.

So am I.

Nobody enters my dressing room uninvited.

What the hell do you think that star means?

You're Jewish?

I don't have time to mince words, Claudette. I want my marriage back.

And you're gonna get it for me, tonight,

when you tell Penny what really happened.

Scram, scribbler, you're boring me.

Here. Is that what you want? Huh?

You want me to beg?

I'm so deep in the doghouse, I'll beg, I'll fetch, I'll roll over.

What more can I do, Claudette?

I'm risking everything just coming here.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) If I'm caught with you again...

(WALT GASPS)

I'm a dead man. HERMAN: Claudette?

Oh, God, it's my husband.

Herman, I told you, I don't like to be disturbed before a show

or after a show

or at home in my bedroom when I'm thinking about a show!

I spoke to Ruffles before he died.

(ROGERS GROANS) What do you mean?

Who is that?

No, not under there. Geez, I could have sworn I left that script...

Oh, hiya, Herman. I didn't hear you come in.

You! What is this weasel doing in here?

Maybe it blew over there. What do you think?

Roger! About that script change

you wanted me to run past Penny,

would after the show be soon enough?

After the show? Sure.

Sure. Great.

Well, guess I'll get back to the old word factory.

Leave you two alone.

All by yourselves. Good night.

Later.

WOLFGANG: Shocking, isn't it, my dear?

No, Wolfgang, don't!

Can't you see you're mad?

Mad? Mad, you say?

(LAUGHING)

But I'm the one with the branding iron,

and you're the one with the soft, pink flesh.

(PAPRIKA SCREAMING)

Now talk!

Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything.

It's paprika.

Paprika is the secret of my potato salad.

Paprika?

Hey, quick rewrites.

Those writers are pros. Once they warm up,

they'll start hitting them out of the park.

...Pontiac running board wasn't as good as the Chevy.

Dad, do you wanna shut up about the car?

Please, I need a script now!

Wait a minute, wait a minute! There's one!

MAN 1: That's one of the good ones. MAN 2: You almost lost it.

Take this one, kid. Great.

That was easy. Wait a minute. This is Tom Adventure.

They need Home is Where the Heart Aches.

MAN: Home is Where the Heart Aches!

Two minutes, no script. And no director.

I could yell "fire" over the intercom. We could call it a night.

Hey, wait a minute, this is good stuff. Who put this in the garbage?

I did. It stinks. That's yesterday's script.

Okay, now we're cooking with gas. That's a great script.

(ALL CLAMORING) Well, hello.

This is sensational!

That's the best.

Okay...

Terrible. FATHER: No wonder it was in the garbage.

Roger, this is terrible. This is bad. This is bad stuff.

I found it, Jules. It belonged to Ruffles.

Oh, if you're gonna be a serious gin-hound,

I recommend that you develop some taste.

This is rat poison.

Oh, what the hell.

For Pete's sake, Jules, we got work to do.

I'll drink to that.

(SINGING BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN)

(GRUNTING)

DEXTER: You idiot.

Don't stick your bald head in my face again.

We'll finish our little discussion later.

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

Ups-a-daisy. You should be in the booth. Why?

You're the director. I know that.

It's not like I don't know what I do. I do know what I do.

It's just that when you have as much to do as I do do...

Don't tell my dad about this, okay? He'll have my head.

Then where would you put your hair?

I'm sorry?

I said, I'll see you down there.

Okay, Walt's on his way.

Now all we need is a script.

What? No script?

Girls, girls, please. Back to the mikes. It's gonna be just fine.

We need some sort of a final scene here

between the husband and the wife.

Yes. Now, think, think, think.

What if the wife smashes him over the head

with a frying pan,

then chops him in hundreds of tiny little pieces

with her shiny, new carving knife?

I don't think so.

It's a family show.

Okay, well, then, what if she does it to the whole family?

ALL: No! What's wrong with you?

You never like any of my ideas.

Hold it. Husband says, "Darling, you can't leave.

"What would it take to make you stay?"

She says, "Try chloroform."

(LAUGHING)

This isn't a comedy. That wasn't a joke.

The hell it wasn't. Okay, okay, okay, okay. How about he says,

"I can't go on without you. I can't clean, I can't iron,

"I don't know my way around the kitchen."

And she says, "Buy a map. Then we'll talk."

Morgana, two. Writers, nothing. FATHER: She's good.

WOMAN: That works. I know.

Okay, here you go, kid. Take it away.

Go, go, go! Run! Run!

Go, go, go! I'm going. I'm going!

Fifteen seconds.

I have the scripts!

(GROANS)

Mr. Katzenback.

Have you people no idea of discipline?

(SCREAMING)

We have a script.

And we have a director. Of sorts.

Cue that slimeball announcer. Cue Dexter.

And now time for Home is Where the Heart Aches.

Rotate the stage. Oh, I hate that stage.

This rotating stage is the best idea I've ever had.

Cue the organ.

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

Tonight, we join Mildred and her mother

in their tastefully decorated kitchen.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Not quite ready. Billy.

Slow stop. No, slow!

That's Billy.

Abandoned by Jim, my husband of 20 years,

and recently disturbed by the news that Ellen, my loving daughter,

is marrying Jim's illegitimate stepson,

I find myself mired in a week-long depression.

Tell me, Mom. What should I do?

Die, infidel. Die like a dog,

writhing in pain from the horror

known as the curse of Nebuchadnezzar.

Well, that's not right.

Thanks, Mom. You always seem to know what's best.

That's good! We didn't write that.

It's too creative. You got that right.

(IMITATING TARZAN CRY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Excuse me, I think someone's at the door.

Billy.

Is there a problem?

(LAUGHING) Damndest show I ever seen.

Artistic.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Oh, that must be your father. You take it.

What the hell is going on?

One is doing the soap, the other's doing Tom Adventure.

Toilet. Sir?

Billy! You bellowed?

Get this to the actors, and then get those scripts sorted out.

Well, Mom, it's getting close to lunchtime and...

Traitorous words, you American slime.

And your last, as it's time for me to finish you off with your own rifle.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

MOM: Did you hear me? Your own rifle.

My own rifle?

Yes, yes. Where is that rifle of yours?

You're not going to shoot me, are you?

Well, perhaps I was hasty.

After all, shooting you would be wrong.

(GUN FIRING)

Whoa. That hurt, that hurt.

Mildred, is that you?

What's he doing now?

I'm sorry I frightened you, dear.

I was kidnapped by a band of Egyptian nomads

and hypnotized into thinking I was a warrior of the Sahara,

but the gunshot snapped me out of it, and now I'm back.

Do you have any coffee made?

Why, yes, Mom. There's a fresh pot on the stove.

(WATER BUBBLING) Sounds perfect, even though there's...

MALE VOICE: "Hardly time to say a prayer

"Before we move on to the air"

What?

I'm going down to check master control.

Cue the commercial.

Billy! See if anyone's in Studio B.

Billy, bring me a tomato, quick!

RICK: Billy, find my tuba player.

DEXTER: Blue Sky.

Fresh as a spring rain.

Cool as a summer breeze.

Blue Sky has got the smoke that goes down

smooth.

(MAN COUGHING)

I told Dexter not to smoke.

If you ask me, they ought to put warnings on those packages.

It's not Dexter. It's coming from somewhere else.

It's coming from right here. Someone's idea of a joke?

(MAN COUGHING) Studio 13.

I'm gonna go see what's going on.

Penny, I'm only gonna say this once...

Hey, Mr. H, you're looking chipper.

Penny in the fishbowl? I gotta talk to her.

Yeah, but I wouldn't talk to her before you finish...

Gork: Son of Fire. Don't get your pants in a bunch.

Penny, I'm only gonna say this once...

Let's get that pack of butts off stage

and get the microphones out, boys.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

MAX: Ready light cue, as you will.

There is an evil that lurks behind you.

TOM: Is it your shadow, or is it the Mind Bender?

Are you sure this is the right floor?

There's nobody up here, Mrs. Henderson. It's all right, Dottie.

Fred Smith, an ordinary man not unlike you or me,

walks home on a fog-shrouded night.

This is the night when he will reach deep inside himself

and discover the Mind Bender.

(GRATING) What's that sound I hear?

(CREAKING)

(GROWLING)

What do you think you're doing? Looking for you.

Well, you scared the bejesus out of me. Really?

Sounded like a squeal of delight to me.

Someone is fooling with an open mike on 13.

(SHUSHING) Look, I just wanted to say that I...

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Okay.

All right. Bad timing.

Look, you think after the show we could get a cup of java or something?

(MUMBLING)

Roger. Keep trying, it'll come back to you.

Dead man.

Where?

(SCREAMING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

SHERWOOD: Strange eating habits, indeed.

Well, Maynard, tell us, which part of this Buick did you eat first?

With a little deviled egg, the lug nuts make wonderful appetizers.

Lug nuts.

Well, gentlemen,

when you see the rest of the firepower

that we have marshaled for you this evening,

I'm gonna expect you to do your duty and run out

and enlist in my war against the other three networks.

My girlfriend and I... Girlfriend, hey.

We're thinking about eating a bus together.

Won't that be scrumptious!

We'll do our best to check in with you then.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Call the police.

DEXTER: And now, the girl with the va-va-va-voom voice,

Claudette Katzenback!

(SINGING A GUY WHAT TAKES HIS TIME)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

The General's son just committed suicide.

Tough break.

Hate to lose that weak-kneed, lily-livered son of a...

Famous general, right, sir?

You're wanted in the General's office right away.

Mr. Station Manager, sir,

you're supposed to rush down to the General's office right away.

Though being my boss and all, I suppose

you can just slowly saunter if you want to.

Carry on.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

DEXTER: That was the Va-Va-Va-Voom Girl herself,

Claudette Katzenback.

All right, ladies and gents.

At 7:15 this evening,

young Walt Whalen Junior was found hanging in an empty studio.

The apparent cause of death, suicide.

My son didn't have enough courage to commit suicide.

It was murder!

Maybe suicide, maybe murder. Either way, I'm missing my dinner.

It was murder, and I brought you here to find the killer.

And I don't want you to leave until you've done that.

Do you understand me, Lieutenant?

Get my people out of here as soon as possible.

I've got a network to run.

Now, which of you...

You sent for me?

Maybe. Who are you?

I'm Claudette Katzenback,

the Va-Va-Va-Voom Girl with the va-va-va-voom voice.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Lieutenant Cross, the Chicago cop with the sh-sh-sh-short temper.

I'm here investigating a Mr. Walt Whalen Junior's death.

Walt? Dead?

No. Why didn't anybody tell me?

Not that I actually knew the man. I didn't.

I mean, he was a director, wasn't he?

I'd like to play poker with you sometime.

(SINGING I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD)

Which one of you is Penny Henderson? PENNY: That's me.

What do you do around here? Just about everything, sir.

Shut up and sit down. Okay.

I'm the General's secretary, sir.

My condolences. You found the dead guy?

Up on the 13th floor. See anybody else up there?

We just found Walt hanging there.

I infer by your use of the plural

that there was somebody else up there with you?

Not with me.

When I got up there, I saw Roger coming down the hall.

Roger!

So, you must be Roger.

Must I?

I've got one question for you, young man.

Why were you up there?

Did you have business in that studio? What were you doing?

Isn't that three questions?

Nothing, nothing. I was looking for Penny.

To discuss a script. He's a writer.

A writer? I hate writers!

They drink too much, they beat their wives...

Lieutenant!

What?

No, no. Not, "What? I didn't hear you." I mean, what!

What the hell is going on around here?

Somebody else died in Radioland tonight.

Why weren't we notified?

It was a trumpet player, but the doctor said it was just a heart attack.

The coroner says different. Says your trumpet player was murdered!

Pickled with an arsenic-and-gin cocktail.

COGLEY: That was rat poison.

He showed me Ruffles' flask.

Flask? Roger had it.

Déjà vu.

This is all very explainable, okay?

I was running by when they were carrying Ruffles' body off the stage.

And he happened to drop his flask on my script, and I just...

I just picked it up.

I don't suppose you still have it? No, no, of course not.

(ROGER LAUGHING)

Why would I still have it? Right here in my pocket,

where in all the confusion, I forgot that I put it.

Careful! It might have fingerprints on it.

Fingerprints?

Of course there are fingerprints.

My fingerprints. I'm holding it, you idiot. Give me that!

Well, well, well. Roger's a regular Johnny-on-the-spot.

Placed at the scene of Whalen's death, and now he has the poison

that killed poor Ruffles.

Hey... Oh, pipe down, Dexter.

Roger may be a lot of things, but he's not a murderer.

She's right.

I'm not even a lot of things.

CROSS: I said, shut up and sit down.

You seem to know him pretty well, for a secretary.

Well, I'm his wife, too.

Ex-wife. Soon-to-be ex-wife. We're getting divorced.

How come? I couldn't trust him.

He lies.

PENNY: Not big lies.

One big lie. But he never lied about killing anyone.

That I know of.

I'll remember you when I need a character witness.

Isn't that what's referred to in police jargon as a lead?

Oh, put a sock in it, Dexter.

I happen to know that you had a fist fight

with Junior just before he was killed.

Guess that makes you what we refer to in police jargon as a suspect.

Now you're talking! Shut up.

And sit down, I know.

CROSS: Stay put, Mr. Morris.

We'd like to ask our suspect a few questions.

Don't wander too far, Shakespeare!

You're next.

Thanks a lot!

(WHISPERING) I'm a suspect. Okay, Roger, I'm sorry.

It's a little late for that now!

That lunkhead copper's gonna want me on a carpet in a couple of minutes.

I gotta clear myself, and fast.

DEXTER: And now, here they are, America's favorite hosts...

All right.

(EXCLAIMS)

(WHIMPERING) Well, well, well.

Looks like Ruffles caught your good side.

You're double-jointed, huh?

This is all the proof I need. Give me those!

You know, I'd kill to have pictures like these.

Maybe your husband would, too.

DEXTER: And now, that rip-roaring, rococo Romeo

of ridiculous, roguish rigmarole

and rhapsodic, rapier-like repartee,

Won't happen again, Dexter.

...Rick Rochester and his Rascals of Rhythm.

I'll ream those writers.

(GUN FIRING)

Thank you! Yes!

MALE VOICE: "You hadn't a clue of what to do

"When you caught your falling star"

Well, that's a good idea. You got a better one?

(SINGING THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC)

Check for open mikes.

Oh, that's original.

(STAGE CREAKING)

What the hell is wrong with my stage?

This can't be happening. Not to my baby!

Looks like your baby needs a good whack in the axle.

Don't you touch my stage!

Somebody better do something about your big idea stage,

'cause the band's a-going 'round again.

I've got it! Is it contagious?

Just don't give it to us.

No, no, no. I've solved the murder. Jeepers, Roger.

No, listen to me, Penny. I know...

HERMAN: I know more about that stage than anyone.

Wait a minute, Katzenback, I wanna talk to you!

Oh, wait a minute, Mr. H, I think the cops want you upstairs.

Gangway!

(GRUNTING)

There must be a loose connection underneath the stage.

I will fix it!

Just shut off the power to the turntable while I'm down there.

And find me someone to fire!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

What? Oh, God.

(GUN FIRING)

Hold it, Herman. We have some talking to do.

ROGER: Tough guy, huh?

Yes, sir, General, I know. We need to get it fixed.

We're doing everything we can.

Roger.

I'll call you back.

What is going on here?

Herman?

What do you think, Herman, huh?

Blackmail a good motive for murder?

(WHISTLES)

You're crazy, Henderson.

My wife was fooling around with everyone and his dog. Even I know that.

Ruffles showed you these photos,

then you killed Walt Junior for messing around with your wife.

(EXCLAIMING)

HERMAN: You see. Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

Yeah. See? It's sabotage. Yeah.

German engineering could never be ruined by American pipe.

(SNEEZING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

There it goes again.

I gave no...

(CRUSHING)

Herman!

Perry, Perry, kill the revolve! We've got people under there!

Henderson, wait. I'm caught!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I've got to go down there. Let me go, please, please.

Pull me! I'm pulling!

Henderson!

Henderson! For God's sake, Henderson!

Henderson!

(SCREAMING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(MAN WHISTLING)

It's Katzenback! Move out!

Oh, God, it's Herman!

He's... He's...everywhere!

Roger. Where's Roger?

If you find his diamond, I know he'd want me to have it.

(SOBBING)

(GRUNTING)

(GUN FIRING)

They missed me.

I think I'll talk to the cops now.

DEXTER: WBN...

What happened?

Katzenback is mashed potatoes.

Dead? Very.

When is this going to stop?

I see this as a classical tragedy

in three acts. Act One,

Claudette and young Walt Whalen Junior

were indulging in some illicit sexercise.

Exhibit A.

Ruffles Reedy had the photos.

He was blackmailing them,

threatening to go to Claudette's husband, Katzenback.

So Walt Junior put an end to Ruffles Reedy. He shut him up permanently

with poison. Exhibit B.

Unfortunately...

Unfortunately...

Excuse me.

Unfortunately, he killed him too late.

Ruffles had already blown his tune to Katzenback.

Am I going too fast for you, Lieutenant?

Yeah, you wise guy... Act Two.

In a fit of insane jealousy,

Katzenback kills Walt Junior, his wife's young lover,

which brings us to Act Three, the final act. The denouement.

Where Claudette, distraught, avenges Walt Junior's death by killing her husband,

Herman Katzenback. Lights down, curtain, thunderous applause.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SINGING CRAZY PEOPLE)

Not bad, Sherlock.

ROGER: Anytime, chief.

I'm proud to have brought Claudette Katzenback to justice.

Though in a way, I almost feel sorry for her.

You know, such a bitter, conniving, twisted personality.

I'll murder you, you little punk.

Though you gotta love her way around a show tune.

Lieutenant, he hates me because of a silly joke.

You see, I made his wife believe we were having an affair.

And this is his revenge.

Well, it was just a little joke, stupid!

Well, nobody's laughing, sister.

You don't know how much I'm gonna hate saying goodbye

to all you swell show biz people.

Watch your fingers.

The book's slamming shut on this case.

I slammed my fingers in a car door once.

Ouch.

Cuff her.

No! You mean, you're actually arresting me?

This is an outrage. Penny...

Roger... Soldier, that was clear thinking under fire.

Thank you, sir.

How much do I pay you, anyway?

No, no. No, that's not necessary, sir.

I mean, I only make $40 a week and... Sounds about right. Dismissed.

We've lost our director and our station manager.

A new leader's got to come forward and take command.

Well, the troops will follow you anywhere, sir.

I'm talking about you, Henderson. You're the director.

You're the new station manager.

I know, I know, they're big shoes to fill,

but I think she has the feet for the job.

I've got to go coddle King and the affiliates.

I'm depending on you to keep this network running.

Yes, sir.

At ease, Private.

Director.

Get back to your typewriter. We got a lot of work to do.

Miss Henderson, Miss Henderson! Hey, Mr. H.

What is it? Oh, Johnny Ace, Hard-Boiled Dick,

the actors still don't have their scripts. What?

Yeah, and they're up right after Ben Butter's talking pig.

Well, get to the writers' room and get the scripts. Quick, come on.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING) Come on, clear the way.

All right, all right. Come on, come on.

Hey, take her downtown.

(YODELING)

Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

(MAN WHISTLING)

Johnny Ace, Hard-Boiled Dick is up in five minutes.

I know. Deirdre, get this to the actors. Is that the whole thing?

That ought to hold them till Billy gets down with the other pages.

MAN: And stay out!

(SCREAMING)

We haven't been paid in three weeks,

and we're not gonna rewrite any more pages until we are!

Am I making myself clear?

Sorry, I might be little on edge.

Come on, guys, you can't do this.

There are a lot of people waiting on those pages.

Will you quit fooling around? We have work to do. Now, come on.

(QUIVERING)

Go chew a bone. He's with me. Come on.

Give me those notes.

Here's your script.

One page? Sorry.

Sorry?

(OINKING OLD MACDONALD)

This is pitiful.

MALE VOICE: "Beginnings and endings are easy

"But your words are twisted and wheezy"

What are those things? There's been three or four of them tonight.

Only three of them. Right before each of the murders.

I remember them, Mr. H. I remember them all, word for word.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

Well, when it comes to radio, I'm kind of a Mr. Memory.

You know, I even remember the first thing I ever heard on radio.

It was Kay Kornwall's Kollege of Musical Komedy.

Kid! Just give me the first one, will you? Oh, right.

"Dig and dig to find some dirt

"Dig too deep and you'll get hurt"

"Dig and dig to find some dirt"

That could be Ruffles, right? He was blackmailing everybody.

Kind of a reach, Mr. H.

Then there was,

"Hardly time to say a prayer Before we move on to the air".

Air. Heir! Heir. That could actually be "heir" as the H-E-I-R.

The General's heir, right? Walt Junior.

And now, here's another thrilling episode of

Johnny Ace, Hard-Boiled Dick.

I've gone through this once already. But it's not any...

MAX: Get their butts out there.

JOHNNY ACE: Who do they think we are?

Go! Go!

They only have the one page of the script I wrote for them.

Better one than none.

Just another day in the life of Johnny Ace, Hard-Boiled Dick.

Except today was not an ordinary day.

I'll say.

Good morning, Johnny. So, what's the latest?

Well, looks like we're in mid-case without a parachute, toots.

What? That's it?

That... Oh, this will be good.

What should we do now, Johnny?

Oh, brilliant improvisation.

It's hard to say.

A situation like this can fool you.

I mean, you step up to the plate expecting a high, hard one.

The actors are improvising?

(YELLING)

I mean, just when you think you know who the killer is,

I mean, just who you think it was, wasn't.

Katzenback! Katzenback!

Claudette's the falling star he caught having an affair.

Keep it coming.

"Beginnings and endings are easy

"But your... But your words are twisted and wheezy"

Words, words... Twisted and wheezy.

That's smoking? Coughing? The...

Dexter! Dexter!

What's Dexter got to do with it?

One minute, you're walking on water,

and before you know it, you're all wet.

Oh, this is so sad. Pathetic.

JOHNNY ACE: Well, never mind.

Dexter and everybody who left here in a hearse

used to work with my dad back at WOWA in Peoria.

Till the FCC scandal broke it up. Scandal.

Yeah, and their bathrooms was just as dirty.

Coming in! Shake a leg and zip it up.

WOWA. Peoria.

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! Dexter is next!

And, toots?

Yes, Johnny?

You look after the office until I'm back.

Now we're in trouble. Cue Dexter.

We'll return with the exciting adventure conclusion of

Johnny Ace, Hard-Boiled Dick in just a moment.

(SINGING JAVA JIVE)

Dexter! Dexter!

It's locked! Dexter.

I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about Sunrise Surprise Coffee.

Dexter! Open the door! Open the door!

That rich, aromatic, flavorful way to start the day.

Dexter! Open the door!

Mmm.

Just one sip and you'll see what I mean when I say...

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH GROANING)

Get the stand, will you? Get the stand!

Then, on three. One, two...

(STOOL RATTLING)

Three? What are you doing?

What in the...

Open up the... The door!

It's not supposed to be locked.

Hey! Cut it out!

Come on, come on.

(GASPING)

Phil, call Doc Burman. Everyone get back to work.

So I guess we'll be needing a new announcer, huh?

Go to Tom McCallum's dressing room,

tell him he's just been promoted to announcer.

Tom McCallum? Now.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

"Your words are twisted and wheezy"

That's you, Dexter.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I want a cop stationed at every exit of the studio.

Any man, woman, dog, cat or duck tries to leave,

pull them and chain them to a desk.

You seen Tom McCallum? No.

Hey.

Whoa.

What?

Not again.

Dexter's dead. It's another murder.

MAN: I'm going home. WOMAN: But the police won't let you.

You! Front and center.

I got a job for you. Yes, sir, General Whalen.

We'll have the new announcer up and running before you can...

Stow it, grunt.

I can't have any scuttlebutt about our latest casualty.

If the affiliates get word,

they'll be out of here quicker than Shinola through a goose.

Do whatever you have to do to keep them in that room.

Boy, I love radio,

but I love a good pee even more.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Open up!

I gotta go to the bathroom! An empty bottle's always good in a pinch.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SHUSHING) May I have your attention, please?

Quiet!

I know things have been a little crazy around here tonight,

and you're all shook up.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Since we can't leave, and we still got a job to do,

we might as well do it and do it right.

Look, all I'm saying is, we're a team.

And we gotta trust the police to do their job

and get back to caring about ours.

It's not our job to care.

It's everyone's job to care. It's everyone's job to care.

Look, Penny's right. We do still have a job to do.

And believe me, pretty soon they're gonna nail this schizo,

this nutsy, mad-dog fruitcake.

Henderson!

Come with me.

Obviously, there's been a mistake.

MAN: Murderer! WOMAN: Yeah.

(WAILING)

You're gonna talk if I have to wring it out of you!

No! Please, I can't take any more.

Go on, kid. Spill the beans.

Well, I told you, it wasn't me.

But all four of those victims had something in common.

Yeah. They're all dead.

Besides that. They all worked together a few years ago at radio station WOWA

in Peoria. Won't fly, Lindbergh. This is Chicago.

Peoria's a lot smaller than Chicago.

Look, I heard about an FCC scandal there.

Maybe someone's trying to kill them all to keep it quiet.

Yeah, and maybe the Easter Bunny craps colored eggs!

Listen to me, scribe.

You led me down the garden path with that Claudette broad.

But you were the one with Ruffles' flask.

You were the one who was up there hanging around with Walt.

You were the one with Katzenback when he got crushed into kibble.

And you were the one who just happened to get there in time

to see Dexter light up like a Roman candle!

How do you explain all that?

I'm having an off day?

What about those recordings, huh? That mysterious voice?

I got two words of advice for you, punk.

Get a lawyer!

Wait a minute.

What mysterious voice?

MALE VOICE: "Across the wave

"You gathered your host

"To see them line up from ghost to ghost"

That one! That one! That's the killer.

He's broken into the broadcast before each of the murders.

Those riddles tell you who's gonna be next.

Big deal.

You could have written them yourself.

You said they were recordings.

All right. All right.

You got 30 seconds to tell me what it means.

Hey! Hey! Now take it easy. Take it easy, fellas.

Just going to a typewriter. It helps me think.

Thanks for the tan.

You're the engineers. Have you tried everything?

It's not here, Penny.

That voice is not coming through any of our mikes or any of our studios.

Oh, well, I got news for you. It's being broadcast over our airwaves.

Penny, what are you trying to say?

You think this is my fault or Tommy's?

No! I don't care whose fault it is. Good. Then understand

that the real problem is not where the voice is coming from.

Right. It's who might die next.

Okay. Okay. Here we go.

"Gathered your host

"from ghost to ghost"

"Ghost to ghost."

That could actually be coast to coast.

That's the radio station. Right?

And, "Gathered your host," it's...

General Whalen.

He's the host. He's gonna be killed next.

We'll see.

TOM: And now, celebrating his 100th year in show business,

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Milt Lackey.

Here we go, Bernie. The crown jewel.

Thank you. Thank you.

Open up! I gotta go to the bathroom!

I get up in the morning, and I read the obituary column.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) My name isn't in it, I have breakfast.

The day I see my name in it, I'll still have breakfast.

I'm not leaving on an empty stomach.

General Whalen, I...

Hey, hey, hey. Excuse me, General,

I'd like you to let two of my men accompany you to your office.

There's a... Strong probability...

There's a remote possibility

that you could be the killer's next target.

Me? Bull twaddle.

I'm staying right here, on the front line.

You know, General, being the law and all,

I got the authority to shut this three-watt circus down.

Humor me.

Jenkins, Muldoon, go with the General.

The rest of you come with me.

We're gonna take Mr. Henderson here someplace quiet

where we're gonna have another little talk.

Cuff him. You can't do that, Lieutenant.

Shut up. Lieutenant!

General.

MILT LACKEY: In what other business can a man my age

walk out on the stage, smoke a cigar,

tell a few jokes, sing a few songs

and use the same color lipstick that Dolores del Rio uses?

Everybody wants to know when I'm gonna retire.

I'll never retire.

You think his parents beat him when he laughed?

Oh, I'm even gonna take my music with me.

(GASPING)

Tommy,

was that a smile?

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. Take a look at this. Max, Max, Max.

What? What? Come, look, he's laughing.

Oh, my goodness.

(LAUGHING)

Holy mackerel!

He's laughing.

Bernie King is actually laughing.

All right, come on. No, no, no. Wait a minute, Lieutenant.

Bernie King never laughs at anything.

All right. Come on, kid. We got a lot to talk about.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Something's wrong up there.

The General was supposed to be in that booth till you took him out.

Bernie King's gonna be killed by mistake.

Oh, gee, I hate interrupting a man who's enjoying his own murder so much.

Let's go!

(GROANS) Oh, my foot!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

That's it. The only thing I got that still works.

Now that's great radio.

(LAUGHING)

Yes. He's laughing, General. Laughing?

Hey! That way! That way!

Spread out. He couldn't have gone far.

Move it! Move it!

I guess he had a lot of laughs stored up.

He really loves it, sir.

What's next? Bring me that list of programs.

PENNY: Now? Yes, now.

(LAUGHING)

Retire.

Who'd support my mother and father?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Mr. King!

It's locked!

Hey! Put up your hands.

He's dying in there. We gotta break the glass. Use your gun.

Dying? Use your gun!

Right.

I meant shoot it!

I know that. You...

Give me that. Give me that.

Tell you what... Okay.

(GUN FIRING)

What are you...

MILT LACKEY: Thank you very much.

I'm out of bullets. Go get Cross, will you?

Quick, get out of here.

(SINGING)

(CHOKING)

Mr. King.

Henderson. Yes.

Those jokes stink!

(GRUNTING)

ROGER: Mr. King.

Mr. King!

He's dead, Lieutenant.

It must be nitrous oxide.

Laughing gas.

Get a doctor, Mahoney. Wipe that smile from off your face.

This is murder.

(LAUGHING) Cuff him, boys.

Okay, Henderson, no more funny stuff.

It's the gas, Lieutenant.

The laughing caves in your windpipe.

It's a long, painful, ugly way to die.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Put a lid on it, Henderson.

Murder may be a big joke to you, but not to me

and not to my men.

We'll probably get the chair.

ROGER: Deirdre.

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Where's Penny? She's with the General.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Tell her I love her.

General, Roger Henderson just killed Bernie King.

That's ridiculous.

We caught him red-handed, miss.

He can't be dead. He's our biggest sponsor.

Not that it wouldn't be a tragedy if he wasn't.

Henderson, let's march.

General, I really think you better stay up here.

GENERAL: I don't take orders from sergeants.

Men, I understand the gravity of the situation.

I will treat every step as if it could be my last.

(SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

Oh, dear.

Oh, my gosh.

No time to faint.

The first thing I want to know is... Lieutenant!

The General's been murdered. I knew it!

I mean, I didn't really know it.

How could I? Really?

(IMITATING DOG WHINING)

Look out? What does that mean?

You scoundrel. Take that. Take that.

Sic him, lads!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

I have to go to the powder room. JACK: Great timbers.

(GROANING)

Well, I wonder where he came from.

WOMAN: Where am I?

Don't worry, young lady, you're safe now.

Oh, thank you...

I just can't believe it.

One minute, he's standing right next to me. And the next minute, whoosh!

SERGEANT: Hey, Lieutenant. Lieutenant.

Look at these scratches.

Something was tampering with the controls.

What's this?

Thank you, Jack. That was the bravest rescue I've ever seen.

I don't have time for fear, ma'am.

That's why they call me Jack Granite, man's man.

(HORN BLOWING)

This is a nightmare, Max.

I know we're all a little bit jumpy right now.

Could Roger have...

Why? Well...

It doesn't make sense. No.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Really?

Look, I have a new lead.

Well, so do we. What?

Believe this belongs to you.

Found it at the bottom of the elevator shaft

where the controls were tampered with.

No, I'm...

I must have dropped it somewhere, you know?

Really? Maybe you dropped this, too, huh?

Found it clutched in Walt Whalen Junior's hand.

Looks like he grabbed it from somebody just before he got hung.

No, now, hold it. I've seen that knife before and I...

Where the hell have I seen it?

Roger.

Penny!

No, no, it's all right. It's all right. Go ahead.

Penny. What in the world is going on, Roger?

What? Tell me something. Tell me anything.

Look, I didn't do anything. You gotta try harder.

I didn't do anything!

Penny, please, I'm begging you.

You have to believe me. Nobody else will.

I didn't kill anybody. But I'm very close to figuring out who did. Okay?

Who did it then?

Okay. Okay.

I'm not sure. But it involves an FCC scandal and a merger

and radio station WOWA in Peoria.

Three strikes and you're out, Houdini.

We're gonna be leaving now, Mrs. Henderson.

You can tell your crew it's finally over.

But... You're a writer, Henderson.

Time for you to write something for me.

What?

A confession.

I killed them.

Yes. Yes. I killed them all.

Why'd you do it, kid?

Why? You wanna know why?

Because I hate doing rewrites!

Watch out!

(GUN COCKING) All right.

Stand back, men. Give him room.

Rewrites! Polishes! Gags! I mean, they always want more gags.

And then they read them wrong, anyway!

They all laughed at me. I'm just the writer.

They thought they were better than me, but they weren't!

They're just cockroaches!

And what do you do with cockroaches?

You squash them, squash them, squash them, squash them, squash them!

And you think that's all?

No, no, no. I've killed dozens.

I've got names, dates, all the evidence you could possibly want.

CROSS: Where?

Upstairs in my desk.

All right. All right, now.

Take it easy. Take it easy. Calm down. Calm down.

We're gonna go upstairs, we're gonna have a nice little talk.

(SINGING WHAT'LL I DO)

Penny, are you all right?

Everything's falling apart, Max.

People dying.

Roger being arrested for murder.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, the second I met him,

it was like he'd been there my whole life.

Right from the start. It's like, I don't know...

An old sweater or something.

You know?

Warm and comfortable and familiar.

We met for lunch,

and we were best friends before they could take our order.

It was like we had so much in common.

We laughed at the same things.

We thought about the same things.

I don't know what to think.

I thought I knew him.

I couldn't have been that wrong about him. Could I?

You want a straight answer?

No. Yes.

Penny, now, you know that Roger is not a maniac killer.

Roger is not organized enough to order dinner, let alone plan six murders.

And as for Claudette, oh, come on. I saw them...

No, what you saw was a crazy woman

throwing herself at an innocent bystander.

Number one, Roger loves you.

Number two, Claudette has tried to jump on every man in this building

at one time or another. Believe me.

Smart of you, cooperating with the police.

It'll look good in court.

Come on, son. Be a man.

Okay. That's it.

Paychecks!

Paychecks! Paychecks, everybody!

CROSS: Stand back! Don't interfere!

This man just confessed to murder!

WOMAN: Where's my overtime?

You'll never take me alive, coppers. Never!

Don't jump or I'll shoot!

I...

(SCREAMING)

Don't look.

Kid's lost it.

Go downstairs. Find what's left of him.

JASPER: Yes, sir. Let's go.

What a bunch of nimrods.

(SCREAMS)

(SINGING I MISS YOU SO)

(ROGER LAUGHING)

Let's find him.

Where the hell is he?

SERGEANT: I don't see him.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

Oh, there he is! Up there!

Stop or we'll shoot!

(GUN FIRING)

He's got a gun. A gun?

Now we'll never get our money.

Hey! SERGEANT: Give up, kid!

(GROANING)

Hold your fire. I'm gonna get the Lieutenant.

Jump, Roger, jump!

Atta baby, go!

(SCREAMING)

Hey, stay where you are!

(EXCLAIMING)

Max, I'm getting some voltage fluctuation here.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God.

(ELECTRICITY SURGING)

(ROGER GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

This guy's good.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I can't believe I did that.

Hey, did you hear? Mr. H escaped!

Search the room, lads.

Over here. Come on.

He's not here, sir.

Call headquarters and get more men up here.

We're gonna have to search every square inch of this building.

He's got a gun, sir.

Shoot to kill.

(QUACKING)

So you have to realize that

there's a lot of work that really goes into a radio station...

Excuse me, young man. Excuse me.

Yes, killer penguin, Studio 10.

Mrs. Henderson dropped these papers. They may be important.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll get them to her for you.

See, you gotta understand they let me in the booth anytime I want.

(BILLY GROANS)

Hello.

Where you can pop, pop, pop your troubles away.

Slide in, relax.

And remember, even a busy modern gal

needs to be squeaky clean for her man.

Penny? Penny.

Oh, cue the band. Cue Anna.

Cue band. Anna, go.

Miss Henderson, some penguin told me you dropped this.

BILLY: You know, I heard that they have orders to shoot Mr. H on sight.

That's crazy.

Can you live without me for a few minutes, Max?

Sure. Penny, be careful.

Remember, there's a killer loose out there.

Billy.

(SINGING THAT OLD FEELING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

(GRUNTING)

Don't scream. Don't scream. Don't scream. It's me.

Roger?

Take my head off.

What in the sam hill...

Are you completely out of your mind?

Okay, okay, so I'm suspected of six grisly murders.

There's no reason not to be civil.

Lieutenant Cross has his men everywhere. They're looking for you.

We shouldn't even be up here. I know. I know, Penny.

I had to talk to you before, you know, something happened.

Are you cold? I brought your scarf.

No, no, no.

You know, penguins, we're used to it.

I think... I think...

No, you go first. You go first.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We're talking at the same time.

Married people do that.

Penny. Penny.

You remember our first time up here? Yes.

Remember when we sneaked up here, we brought that champagne?

We stared up at that tower,

and we figured out how we could talk

to the whole world through radio, you know.

You know, take the people anywhere we wanted.

Yeah.

I don't know if you even believe I'm innocent.

But I love you.

I do.

I better go.

Your head.

Don't lose your head. Oh.

Roger, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna break into the file room. What?

No, no, no. Penny, come on. Listen to me.

All the victims were involved in something over at WOWA.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this bucket of clams.

Roger,

I'll get you the key to the file room.

No. Why not?

No. Penny, no. This is murder, and I don't want you involved,

you know, when I do get caught.

Okay, penguin, hands up!

Which is right now. Don't shoot!

He's got a gun! What are you talking about?

I don't have a gun. Yes, you do. I'm his hostage.

No. Oh, my hostage!

Of course you are. Now, stay back!

Stay back, I tell you, or we'll both go over.

No!

Now, let's just put that gun down. Put it down!

I'm putting it down. I'm putting it down.

Put your hands up. Put your hands up. Yeah.

And throw that gun over here. Come on, throw it over here!

Stay back!

Stay back, cop, or I'll let her have it.

I'll let her have it. I'll hurt her.

Okay, okay. So, now I'm involved. See?

Fiftieth floor, maintenance closet, 10 minutes.

(SCREAMING)

We don't have to rewrite this script.

King's dead!

Is that okay with you, Jules?

(COGLEY BURPING)

He seems to be okay with it.

I want you to start up on the roof

and work your way down floor by floor.

He's wearing a penguin suit. Well, get going.

A penguin shouldn't be hard to spot.

Right, sir.

PENNY: Billy Budget, report to the control booth immediately.

Billy, report to the control booth.

Wait a minute, that's me. Now!

You called, Miss Henderson? Don't move!

Don't shoot! Please, he's one of us.

Please.

Billy...

TOM: That concludes tonight's presentation of Sentimental Whispers.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I'd love to know whose idea this was. I could kill him.

Get this to the top writer.

Jules? He's out cold.

Our best writer. But that's Mr...

Oh! Yeah, sure. You got it.

Keep up the good work, fellas.

You know, I was thinking about... Now!

Mr. H! Mr. H!

Hey, Mr. H! Wait a minute!

Billy!

(SINGING TICO TICO)

Get back here! Billy?

Where the hell is he?

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(GRUNTING)

Conchita.

You know, I was looking for a penguin,

(GROANS) but I guess I got a couple of minutes.

It's me, you chowder-head. What are you doing here?

Geez Louise, Mr. H! It's you!

You sure got some great melons.

Sorry, just trying to lighten a serious situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's Penny?

The cops are on her like red on an apple.

She sent me to give you this.

She's a pip.

Nice work, kid. Keep your nose clean.

Don't tell anyone you've seen me. Now beat it.

Well, golly, Mr. H? Can't I stay with you?

No. Help you on your quest

to right this terrible wrong? I mean, every hero needs a little sidekick.

No, no. I'm no hero.

Well, sure you are. No, no, I'm not.

Sure you are. Knock it off!

Sorry. Come on, the way you've been

fighting back when the chips are down,

for your life, your best gal.

To a young person like myself, desperately in need of a role model,

you're an inspiration.

Maybe you're right. Let's go.

This is great. The spotlight of justice has fallen on me.

And together, we will thwart the dastardly minions of crime.

Oh, can it, will you, kid? Nobody talks like that in real life.

Got you, boss. Let's cut the ham out of the club sandwich.

What's the skinny, compadre?

Come here.

(SHUSHING)

What are you doing?

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

Tonight on Ungawa, the Jungle Boy,

can Ungawa save Dr. Ashton-Reeves,

his trusted English benefactor,

when they are outnumbered by a hair-raising horde

of horrible headhunters?

REEVES: I say, old chap.

Appears to be a bit of a sticky wicket ahead.

(SPEAKING TRIBAL LANGUAGE)

Easy for you to say, eh? What?

So, this is the tomb of Anarkali.

WOMAN: It's too dark in here. I can't see a thing.

MAN 1: I know it's in here. It has no shape, no body.

MAN 2: It wants to do to us, what it did to Dr. Anton when he opened the tomb.

(ANIMALS SCREECHING)

It's here! It's ripping the skin off my body!

Help me, Reginald, please!

(SCREAMING)

(SHUSHING)

Hold this.

MAN 2: Please!

Jeepers, Mr. H,

you sure we're doing the right thing here?

Oh, take it easy, kid. Look, how long have we known each other anyway?

Six days. Exactly. There's a bond there.

Wait a minute.

"Miscellaneous."

(SHUSHING) Found it!

WOWA list of employees. FCC scandal.

Where's the light switch? I'll get it.

(SHUSHING)

(BOTH SHUSHING)

What's in here?

That's the file room. It's locked.

(MUMBLING)

It was the killer. I saw him. He was...

Horrible!

He was a tall guy and

short, too.

And he was wearing this really nice suit.

Though it was kind of shabby.

And he had blackish, brownish,

reddish, blondish, kind of, whitish hair.

And he definitely went downstairs, or maybe it was up.

Busy, busy.

(SINGING DON'T LET YOUR LOVE GO WRONG)

Uh-huh.

All right. Perfect!

I don't know what happened to Billy.

Ten minutes to the last show, we don't have a script.

And this differs from the other six times

this has happened tonight in what way, exactly?

The writers have left the building. Good answer.

I don't get it.

It's gotta be somebody who's still alive.

Wait a minute.

He's the one! Ssh.

That's where I saw that knife.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. I mean, like, why him?

How am I gonna tell anybody without getting filled full of lead?

TOM: Gork: Son of Fire!

Yeah, I'll get to it. I'll get to it.

That script's not finished yet.

(MAN CHATTERING OVER MICROPHONE)

(WHISTLING)

Look, he almost killed someone else up on the roof.

I don't give a rat's behind where you pull them from!

I want at least two more squads up here.

With tear gas, riot guns and dogs!

Roger hates dogs.

All right,

little lady, I got one question for you.

What exactly were you doing up on that roof in the first place?

Doing? Me?

I was just getting a little fresh air.

(SNEEZING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Hey, do you hear something? Yeah.

He's on a ledge outside Rehearsal Room 3.

Let's go. I don't want him falling again unless I push him.

Attention, all personnel.

Attention. The police have located the killer.

I repeat, they've located the killer.

What does she think she's doing?

They've cordoned off Rehearsal Room number 3.

Thanks, kiddo.

We can all relax now and get back to work.

ALL: All right!

TOM: In a moment, Gork: Son of Fire,

after this.

Control booth.

Billy, it's for you.

Me? A phone call for me, here?

Well, it must be pretty important.

Hello, Billy Budget here.

MAN: Do you want to help Roger Henderson?

Sure. Sure I do.

Then make contact with the Latin bongo player

in the eighth floor broom closet.

Gotcha. I'm on it.

Well, who was it? It was, The Tribune.

They want to sell me a subscription.

I'm gonna think about it.

(SINGING JINGLE)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Mr. H! Good disguise.

Look, you gotta give these pages to Penny, pronto.

It's the first part of the Gork script.

Tell her I'll finish the rest as soon as I can.

Now go. What a trouper, Mr. H.

Wanted for murder, forced to wear a series of humiliating disguises,

and you still find time to do your job.

I'm a memory.

(GROANS)

...invites you to go back in time

a million years,

to the thrilling adventures of

Gork: Son of Fire. Gork: Son of Fire has arrived!

Where'd you get this? A certain unnamed writer

who said the rest is on the way. Is he okay?

Well... Go get this to the actors.

We're on the air.

Billy! Slow down.

Five bucks says he makes it in 10 seconds. You got it.

Come on, Billy, come on.

Who's got my script, huh? Who's got my script?

Out of the way! Out of the way!

MAN: What are we going to do?

This is crazy. I can't do this.

Lines! Yeah!

Lost again.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(TIN RATTLING) Gork: Son of Fire!

Fighting the terrifying 20-ton tyrannosaurus.

(IMITATING TYRANNOSAURUS GROWLING) One name stands out above them all.

Lightning strikes as Gork proudly drags home

a pterodactyl after his daily hunt.

Oh, what's this?

Odd metallic object in cave.

Not rock. Cold, shiny.

It have place to sit. Gork sit.

(YELLING)

It's a time machine, and Gork has accidentally activated it.

The caveman is transported through

centuries, hurtling through eons of time.

Until he at last

finds himself standing in his mastodon robes and dinosaur headdress

in the middle of a large metropolitan radio station.

What the... Radio station?

(WHISPERING) I don't know what's going on.

What the hell was that little announcement

about, Mrs. Henderson? Listen!

Six brutal murders have been committed in the station.

Judging by the offbeat way... Grok?

Gork. Gork

dresses, I... It's not making much sense.

Should I cue in a commercial? Oh, no. Let it play, Max.

I think he's trying to tell us something. So am I.

You've just made yourself an accomplice, Mrs. Henderson.

ACTOR 1: He sure smells like a dead animal.

ACTOR 2: The way I figure,

anyone who dresses like that is either a nut or a killer.

GORK: Gork no kill.

Gork peace-loving caveman.

Must unmask real killer.

Clear self. Find way back to prehistoric wife. Convince her to stay married.

Wild guess, those are Roger's pages?

Maybe Lieutenant Cross evolved enough to listen to truth.

That's me. They're talking about me.

Gork know about crime, Lieutenant.

Gork grow up in rough neighborhood.

Fifty million people are hearing my name, huh?

I hate cavemen almost as much as I hate

radio writers and missing my dinner.

(LAUGHING)

Gork not sure he have solution right on tip of fingers

or tip of tongue

or on top of head.

POLICEMAN: Hey, you!

Maybe Lieutenant have a few questions for Gork.

Questions? No, I don't have any questions.

Take it easy. This is your baby, Neanderthal.

Either you know who the killer is or you don't.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

It's not like the answers are suddenly gonna drop out of the sky.

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

That's him!

Watson, I want more men backstage.

A very cluttered time machine.

I got it, I got it. I got it, I got it.

Gork see photograph of six victims.

Gork find link between six at radio station in Peoria.

No, no, no. Get back! Get back!

Might say, missing link.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Don't let me die!

It's him! The killer!

Let's get out of here.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Get me that writer. Get me that writer.

You can't stop now. We're still on the air.

Billy! Get them back on.

Max, tell me that wasn't Roger.

Okay, that wasn't Roger.

Come on, get back there. I'll figure something out.

So, this all started with Ruffles,

who got poisoned with his own hooch.

Who's Ruffles?

Can't you follow anything?

Next come Walt Junior, man who wear animal pelt on head.

Then useless station manager, Mr. Katzenback.

At this point, it seemed like a love triangle.

But then Dexter, the announcer, was fried by his microphone.

That was a cruel one.

There he is!

(SCREAMING)

Finally, laughing gas meant for both General Whalen and Bernie King.

What a way to go.

So, the elevator was a last-minute change of plan.

(YELLING)

Victims all worked together before

along with one more person,

the killer.

Don't make me do it!

(OFFICERS SCREAMING)

Okay, I tell you who killer is now.

Only one person had know-how

to put mystery recordings on air

and pearl-handle pocketknife he always carry.

Penny... He must be going somewhere with this.

I point to him with club.

The killer is

our sound engineer,

Max Applewhite.

I always like Roger's writing.

He takes chances.

You see? You see? It wasn't me.

It was Max!

Of course it's him. It was Max Applewhite, clear as a bell.

Max?

Wait a minute. Back! Back to the control booth!

(PENNY SCREAMING) Who's Max Applewhite?

Stop it, Max, please.

No! Stop! No!

No, stop it! Max!

Get out! No.

TOMMY: It's Max! He's gone crazy. Get out of the way.

That's right, it was me, Max Applewhite.

I killed them all. I wanted to destroy the network.

Destroy the network? Max, but why?

Destroy the network? But why, Max?

ACTOR: Because those people destroyed me. Because they destroyed me.

How? WOMAN: How?

MAX: They were all stockholders in WOWA

15 years ago,

and they all lied to me!

I could have had the patent. I could have had the patent,

but I needed their money to prove that my ideas worked.

And I trusted...

God, I could just kill them!

Well, I did kill them.

But I never meant to frame Roger.

It's just that he made it so damn easy!

(SCREAMING)

I got him!

(GROANS)

SERGEANT: Let me in there. Shut up!

You see, I was an inventor.

MAX: I believe I came up with the greatest single invention of the 20th century.

What invention? But when those

people in Peoria saw that I could really do it,

they became afraid.

And they took all my designs, and they locked them in a safe,

and they told me that I couldn't work on them anymore,

because they owned them!

Do you believe that?

Well, tell me, do they own me?

(SCREAMING)

Do they own this audience?

Do they own Chicago?

The world?

I gotta start using the stairs.

Well, do they own this?

Or this?

What are you doing?

(MAX SCREAMING)

MAX: Or this?

Scripts? PENNY: Please, Max!

Time to go! Where are we going?

It's a surprise!

I'm a professional. I'm not supposed to ad lib.

ACTOR 1: Go with the flow.

There's nobody here.

Is there any other way out of here? No.

Yes. Yes, the wiring chute.

There's a ladder up to the roof.

Both you follow them. We'll meet you up on the roof.

Well, we're still on the air.

But they're out of script pages.

Get me the air corps.

That's our Billy!

How goes it?

Name, Little Spark.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What's he doing? I don't know.

Gork's sidekick from cave down road.

Well...

Gork have hands full with modern problems.

So I finish story,

how he solve murder

and he get back to easier time

of volcanoes, earthquakes, warring tribes

and ferocious, man-eating dinosaurs!

You all right?

CROSS: You two guys, go upstairs! Right, sir.

Where's Penny? That Applewhite character

got her on top of the roof.

The roof? What are you talking...

Move! Okay.

Gork

make ultimate sacrifice.

And send for help on prehistoric tom-tom.

Gork not so sure Gork like idea.

Hang in there, Gork.

Go on! Move! Okay!

What is all this, Max?

This is my little sanctuary.

It's my lab where I've been creating the future.

Come on, where'd he go? Penny!

Which way... Penny!

Where is he?

What's that?

Television.

I created it over 25 years ago.

Oh, I know everybody's working on it now,

but my design is still the best.

They wanted to destroy it, so I hid it.

They'll never find us in here.

Roger! Penny!

Don't, don't, don't, Max! Don't do it.

You're not going anywhere, Applewhite.

You just told 50 million people that you're the killer.

Well, you won't get me. Back out!

Come on, Max.

I'll kill her!

Well, take me, Max. Take me instead.

Wait, listen to me. We both love Penny.

We don't wanna see her get hurt.

And you probably don't even like me, right?

So it'll be easier for you to kill me.

What am I saying?

What are you saying? I don't know. Come on, Max.

No, Max. It's okay. Come on.

Thanks. This will be easier.

Always glad to help.

Climb.

No. No!

Okay.

Max, Roger's afraid of heights.

MAX: I'll remember that.

(SCREAMS)

Well? I sent for reinforcements.

There's nobody left. Shut up.

MAX: Go! ROGER: Okay, okay.

You know, Max, I'm not so sure this is the best way out of here,

but where are we going?

To heaven, Roger. We're going to heaven.

It's quite a climb. Yes, it is.

Let's go.

You know, Max, it's kind of brisk up here. Why don't we just go back?

I can't go back! Why not?

Because I've seen the future.

What are you talking about?

Television. Come on, Max.

Up! Okay, okay.

Up, up, up!

Okay, okay.

(GRUNTING)

Max, what is that?

Run for it, kid!

What? What do you mean, "Run for it"?

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

He's gonna kill my husband!

Max. Max!

(GUN FIRING)

He's crazy!

Max, no!

Radio is over!

Thank you again, Major.

We couldn't have done it without you.

Okay, goodbye.

Are you okay?

Yeah. And you? Yeah.

I can't believe he killed people over this.

Radio was his life. How could he think it was over?

He was just wrong. He was wrong, that's how.

I mean, radio will never die.

It would be like killing the imagination.

Oh, my gosh. We're still on the air.

Poor Tommy.

Let's go and scrape what's left of that psycho-killer

from off the pavement.

Hey! I'm talking to you guys.

Billy!

Five more minutes. We're short. What do we do?

I don't know.

Have them do the commercial again.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

What are you doing? Well...

(ALL CHATTERING)

Mrs. Henderson. Great lineup of shows. Oh, really? Thank you.

I think I speak for all the affiliates

when I say we're all pleased as punch to be on board.

Thank you. Well, I'm sorry, but I have to get back to the booth.

Keep up the good work!

(SINGING JINGLE)

Are you okay? DEIRDRE: We did it.

Billy saved the show.

Great. Oh, cue Tom.

Oh, cue Tom. Cue Tom.

(TOM CHATTERING)

Quite a day. Yeah.

Yeah, but just remember,

today is the first day of the next part of your life you haven't lived yet.

Roger... It's a slogan I wrote.

I know, I know, it needs a little work, but...

From all of us here at WBN,

good night to everyone in Radioland!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SINGING AND THE ANGELS SING)

Can we just go home?

Do you mean it?

You really are the only guy for me.

I know.

"I know"?

What? What did I do now? Oh, nothing. Forget about it.

ROGER OVER LOUDSPEAKER: What? What gives with you?

I was 1,000 feet up in the air with a madman,

risking my life for you, and you say forget it.

PENNY: Oh, well, nobody asked you to. I would have gone,

but, oh, no, Mr. Marvel has to go.

I did it because I love you!

You love me? Well, what about how much I love you?

Oh, oh. So what you're saying is that you love me more than I love you?

Oh, you're impossible! Oh, you're impossible!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: And that's it from WBN in Chicago.

If it wasn't clear before

it's certainly clear now.

There'll never be anything quite like radio!