Original subtitles

? Now I don't normally like gettin' up in the mornin' ?

? But old Mr. Sun is shinin' down on me ?

? So you chipped your nail, you stubbed your toe ?

? You lost your phone, life's a rollin' stone ?

? On a broken roller coaster ?

? Okay ?

? Scream shit, move on ?

? Throw your hands up, move on ?

? It's all good, today's your day ?

? Ooh ?

? Time to fill it with swift transition ?

? Put yourself in good position ?

? If you want things can go your way ?

? Ooh ?

? Ain't no time to smell the roses ?

? Gotta get to where the gold is

? The road's already been paved ?

? Ooh ?

? Here I go ?

? Ready now ?

? I'm comin' for you ?

? Can't nothin' stop me ?

? I got some things ?

? I gotta do ?

? Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah ?

? I'm makin' a move ?

? Ooh ?

? Study long, study wrong ?

? Ain't nothin' gonna happen on a song ?

? I'm makin' a move ?

? Ooh ?

? Don't need no hickeys for this song ?

? I got joy all through my soul ?

? I'm makin' a move ?

? Ooh ?

? Get up, get out ?

? Mr. Sun is shinin' on me ?

? I see you ?

? I'm makin' a move ?

? Ooh ?

? Got my lucky charms ?

? Time to move along, yeah ?

? I'm making a move ?

? Ooh ?

? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah... ?

You having fun?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, they're great.

It's they're just... it's a lot, you know?

What about you?

- Are you having fun? - Yeah.

Don't tell her,

but I'm actually kind of glad KJ put this together.

Yea, I know you're like the little lesbian child bride

of Damascus.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Excuse me.

In this country, we don't drink when we are pregnant.

Uh, mm, mm.

Okay, um, she says she's actually sacrificing this one,

so it doesn't matter.

Thank you for your concern.

Noor.

Come.

Ooh!

You're uh, you're being beckoned back

to the daughters of Isabella over there.

- Okay, you coming back over? - Yes.

Yes, I just need a break from Joshlyn's mom.

It's actually Ashlyn and Jayden.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Uh.

- Ew, George. - Hey.

Why are you wearing this sweatshirt?

Ashton gave it to me.

We're writing little messages on the diapers,

so the baby feels supported...

Ah!

When it shits or something.

I wrote the littlest feet leave the biggest footprints

in our hearts.

- Oh. - Oh, wow.

- Oh. - It's cute.

Thank you.

I found it online.

Wait, who's Jeff Lanskey?

That's amazing.

It's just um, just an inside joke

from middle school.

Oh, he was this um, kid who was obsessed

with Captain Underpants in seventh grade

and he wore a diaper over his pants,

but then the teachers made him stop,

because he was getting made fun of,

but it was still like really clear

he was wearing a diaper under his pants.

And Noor used to call him "petty officer underpants",

because he wasn't high-ranking enough.

That is true.

Wow, that's amazin.

Now it's like I'm in the joke.

And I got suspended for that,

but Milo hooked up with our chem teacher

the night after high school graduation

and that was all good.

Yeah, girl, Mr. Rashkoff was fine as hell.

Oh.

He was such a hot commodity, he had to hook up with her.

- Ooh. - Oh.

Well, okay uh, tell us how you really feel.

Not you, I just...

I mean like there's a reason why certain men

can't get people over the age of 18 to fuck them, right?

Yes!

Okay, I think I'm gonna head out.

Yeah?

Yeah.

- Seriously? - Yes.

I was just kidding.

No, I know.

I'm just tired I wanna go home.

You know what you need?

Neutrofirm.

Sorry?

Neutrofirm, it's this amazing

multi-level marketing lifestyle brand

that can actually give you like so much energy.

My college roommate, her brother committed suicide.

I know, so sad.

And I swear to God, it stopped her

from getting like depressed or whatever.

It's great for her skin.

Pool!

That sucked.

Are we assholes for leaving early?

I was getting pretty tapped out of pin the fetus on the uterus.

I know.

I always feel so aggressively like single and young

when I'm with Noor's college friends.

I'm not like single and young you know, like ugh,

oldest cousin sitting at the kids' table

of Thanksgiving single and young.

Milo, I have full confidence you'll find some man

to intellectually intimidate and emotionally torture

until you can buy a brownstone, get divorced,

and live happily ever after.

Ooh, is that truly so much to ask of me?

Um, sorry.

Could you uh, watch my stuff?

I have to make a phone call.

Yeah, sure.

Shit, fuck.

What?

No, this Tinder boy I've been standing

for finally texted me back to hang out.

It's like 11:00, dude.

Yeah, I mean I don't think he's tryin'

to catch the New York Philharmonic.

Are you gonna go meet him?

No, I mean I don't... I don't have to.

? Do you see my eyes, can you feel my heat ?

Go.

It's fine.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean I've already lost one best friend

to her parasitic wife.

What's another to anonymous sex?

Oh my God, George, do you mean like right now?

Sorry, he's just right around the corner.

- I can wait, though. - No, it's fine.

Honestly, I'm just gonna head home

if this guy ever comes back for his stuff.

Oh my God, what if this is like one of those subway ads?

Si ves algo, di algo.

- I love you. - Love you, have fun!

Be safe, huh.

Interesting.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Totally my fault.

Yeah, I just uh...

No, I just... I'll know for next time.

Yeah.

So what if we uh, uh, Andy?

Hello?

Some um, masked vigilantes came in

and tried to steal your stuff,

but I beat them off with the pool cue,

so you're welcome.

What?

? Have me ?

Oh.

Uh, uh, thank you.

? And if you want it, you can have me ?

Oh, sorry.

You're young.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure, go for it.

So uh, my bar manager

downloaded this dating app for me.

Oh no, friends don't let friends swipe right for them.

Right, just when I swore I'd die alone.

Anyway, I thought it was really clicking with this guy

and we're supposed to have our first date tonight,

he just totally blew me off.

Huh, can I see your messages?

Okay, okay, okay, flirty good.

Yeah, no, he never confirmed.

- He totally did. - Mm-mm, where?

"Can I take you out to dinner?" I said.

He said, "I don't know.

Can you?"

I said, "Ha-ha.

How about drinks and a late movie?"

He says, "I've seen a lot of what's out there right now,

but maybe drinks."

And I go, "Okay, let's start at Phoenix,

10:00 p.m., Thursday

and see where the night takes us."

Yeah, and he responded?

Oh.

I'm... come on, that's so rude!

He's a grown adult on a dating app.

He can't have the decency to at least lie to me?

Oh, fine.

I'll just be single till I'm dead.

What about after you're dead?

Freddie Mercury is waiting for me in heaven.

Okay, I have a confession for you

and it is that I am like really bad at sports,

but kind of one of those people who's like weirdly a savant

the first time they play a sport.

Like I bowled at 250

the first time I went bowling in the seventh grade

and then that never happened again.

So this isn't the first time you play darts.

Exactly.

So why are you here instead of

at your friend's baby shower?

So the last time I hung out with her sorority friends,

I like convinced one of them

that if you don't eat gluten when you're pregnant,

then your baby definitely won't come out gay,

and I actually sat there, and watched her grapple

with the moral implications of that for like three hours.

I just feel like, "Ugh."

When I spend too much time with them,

I end up like feeling

like maybe I'm the one who's missing out on something

and then that just makes me feel even crazier.

I... they all just seem like very content, you know?

I've read some crazy percentage of people

who haven't had a serious relationship

by the time they're 30, never have one.

Wow.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I feel like my eggs just like dunkirked

right up into my body.

When I was in my 20s,

I at least asked people

what side of the bed they prefer to sleep on,

but now?

There is no fuckin' way

I'm sleepin' on the right side of the bed.

Well, there goes the whole

left-side-of-the-bed contingency.

So what do you do do when you're not very busy

being stood up by flaky men?

Ever been to Thigh High?

Yes, the gay bar?

That's my bar.

No way.

Yeah, and I actually perform in our show

every other Thursday night.

Okay, my roommate George got kicked out of that bar

when we were freshman in college.

Send him my personal condolences.

He ordered whatever whiskey you had on draft

and then he stole

your cardboard cutout of George Takei,

so I don't think he holds it against you.

I wondered where that went.

Oh, well, he's very well taking care of it, don't worry.

So what about you?

You single?

Uh, are you asking for yourself or for a friend?

Yeah, almost always.

I'm really looking forward to being an eccentric aunt.

What about you?

Any um...

Ex-husbands or like illegitimate children

floating around out there?

No.

Single gay man, early 50s,

it doesn't paint a particularly competitive picture

at adoption agencies.

I feel like um, I actually read this article

about adoption agencies that cater specifically

to gay men.

Yeah.

I've lost three kids.

Two adoptions fell through and one surrogacy didn't take.

I'm really sorry.

That... it sucks.

Pfft.

Sorry to get so heavy on you.

No, it's okay.

Honestly, in my opinion, it is like...

It is like not a New York moment

unless you talk about your fetish

or your dead parents.

You're done trying?

I don't know.

I don't think I can go through it again emotionally.

Hmm.

It makes it easier to just think

it wasn't in the cards sometimes.

How does someone even become a surrogate?

Oh.

Uh, you go through an agency, but often it's a friend,

sibling, charismatic drifter.

Why?

Are you in the market for some 52-year-old sperm

or something?

You asking?

What?

No, I'm just uh, I wasn't tryin' to imply that at all.

I'm sorry, I'm drunk.

I'm just... I was not tryin' to be leading in any way.

It's fine.

Honestly, dude, I didn't think you were.

It's fine, don't worry.

? Every girl falls in love sooner or later ?

Oh man, wait, I... oh, shit.

Oh my God, I still know that.

The dance I had to learn to this song

in like sixth grade at summer camp,

I swear to God, I know the whole fucking thing.

Oh, I'm gonna stay out here and finish this.

No, you're coming with me.

Honestly, I'm sorry, if you wanna be a dad,

you've gotta get down with these cheesy dad downs.

Whoops, get your butt in here.

Get in here.

? All the teens cry and scream ?

? And doing all the things I can't understand ?

I couldn't do that when I had a hip.

? Oh, oh, oh, again ?

Sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Welcome to String Theory.

We sell guitars, mandolins, and free key triggers

we keep in the back.

- Keep in the back. - Sorry, I'm late.

The train was literally crawling.

It's broken, but we can still sell it,

'cause it's in the package.

- One could say... - Yeah.

It's not broken, it's vintage.

- Running. - Hmm.

Oh my God, the amount of effort you all put

into doing absolutely nothing is fucking astounding.

- Hmm. - Good morning, Milo.

- Oh. - Hi.

Good day.

Somebody woke up on the wrong ear of the dingo.

- Again. - Hmm.

Okay, that is not a real idiom.

I don't believe anything you say anymore.

How do you know?

You're not a real idiom, so who is to judge?

Yeah, who... yeah.

She should love us more.

- Oh! - What do you think?

I'll do it again.

Hey.

Jesus.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

No, it's okay.

Um, wow, you caught me um, fondling the merchandise.

Is that a Taylor?

Yes, I am pretty sure it's the love of my life.

Hmm, I'm more of a Cushing man.

Get out.

Get out before I kill you.

I'm open to conversion.

Why do you like the Taylor so much?

Oh, um, I don't know.

I think their lower mids are richer,

the action on the hands tends to be a little easier

than the Cushing, too.

I like a guitar

that makes you work for it a little bit.

A lot of instruments sound beautiful,

but there's nothin' like finding one

that plays right just for you,

somethin' no one else can seem to figure out the same way.

You're right, though.

This Taylor is pretty sweet.

Uh, so are you lookin' for anything in particular?

I'll try to be impartial.

Yeah, just a decent starter guitar.

It's a gift.

200 area.

Um, yeah, we have a Yamaha that's pretty nice

and this um, Johnson...

Hmm.

Actually plays really, really nice...

- Yeah. - For that price range.

- Yeah. - Yeah, this is dope.

? Got off the train ?

? And walked into town ?

? I was 97 minutes late ?

? Because the fuckin' L was down ?

So do you play in a band?

No!

No, no, no, I just play for fun.

It's funny when people say that.

I feel like all playing should be fun.

Yeah, but that is exactly why I stopped playing in a band.

So what are your musical aspirations?

Um, I'd like to play an open mic night or two,

but I just feel like living in New York,

you need an insane level of talent just to do that, so...

What's stopping you from getting better?

I don't know.

Jesus, did my therapist send you here on recon?

I mean if you don't have confidence

in your ability to succeed,

how's anyone else gonna lend you credibility?

Well, I gotta get to a lesson, but uh,

I'll probably hit you up later.

Uh, if... do you have a business card or something?

I could make sure you get the commission

if I come back.

Yeah.

Milo.

- Cameron. - Nice to meet you.

You think you'll be back?

I hope so.

I'm not sure if a guitar is too much

for a one-year anniversary gift.

Oh.

No.

No, no, I think it's sweet.

I'd be... I'd be into it.

Finally workin' that sales line.

Oh, come on, I am always working on sales, I know.

Always.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hmm.

? Mm, mm, mm, mm ?

Do you want a drink?

Uh, no.

I'm good, I'm waiting for a friend.

? Mm, mm, mm, mm ?

? Find me a place ?

? Mm, mm, mm, mm ?

? On the West Coast ?

? Where everything ?

? Mm, mm, mm, mm ?

? Is yellow ?

Yeah, I'll... maybe I...

? I'm so tired ?

? Mm, mm, mm, mm ?

Yeah.

? Of feelin' the blue ?

? I'm so tired ?

? Mm, mm, mm, mm ?

? Of feelin' the blue ?

Hey.

Honey, I am so, so sorry.

Uh, where... where are you?

I'm at home, I just woke up.

What? Noor, it's like 8:30.

Yeah, I was puking all night,

so I finally took a nap and just way overslept.

I know I suck.

No.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I can chill here.

Um, how long do you think it'll take you to get ready?

I'm so sorry, Mi,

I think I should probably just call it a night.

Ugh, are you sure?

Listen, I can come to you,

we can have a really unfun night together.

Let's find a time next week.

Okay.

I love you.

I know I'm the worst right now.

Yeah, okay, bye.

? You seem so free ?

? Free ?

? You seem so free ?

? Feelin' my way ?

? Through the dark ?

? I've just gotta move on ?

? Gotta make a new start ?

? New start ?

? You're not my love ?

? You're not my friend ?

? You are a skeleton ?

? Feelin' my way ?

? Through the dark ?

? I've just gotta move on ?

Hey um, can I have a Moscow mule, please?

Sorry, honey, we don't make those.

Oh, okay.

Oh, what about an old-fashioned.

We have PBR, picklebacks, and sunset surprise.

Ooh, what's a sunset surprise?

It's a surprise that looks like a sunset.

? Every little bird in the tall oak tree ?

? The wise old owl, the big black crow ?

? Flappin' their wings, singin', go, bird, go ?

? Rockin' robin ?

? Tweet, tweet, tweet ?

? Rock... rock... rockin' robin ?

? Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ?

? Blow rockin' robin ?

? 'Cause we're really gonna rock tonight ?

? Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee ?

? Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee, tweedle-lee-dee-dee ?

? Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee, tweedle-lee-dee-dee ?

? Tweet, tweet ?

Well, alright!

Give it for Noxzema!

She is one of our newest Thigh High ladies.

I mean it must be really hard starting out and stuff

when you're so young,

which is not in any case an issue for this next bitch.

She puts the yesteryear in boostier.

Give it up for Angela Merkin.

? Somebody said you got a new friend ?

? Does she love you better than I can ?

? It's a big black sky over my town ?

? I know where you at, I bet she's around ?

? Yeah, I know it's stupid ?

? I just gotta see it for myself ?

? I'm in the corner ?

? Watching you kiss her ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? I'm right over here ?

? Why can't you see me ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

? I'm giving it my all ?

? But I'm not the girl you're takin' home ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? I keep dancin' on my own ?

? I keep dancin' on my own ?

? I'm just gonna dance all night ?

? I'm all messed up, I'm so outta line ?

Yeah, never have I ever given a rim job.

Low blow.

Drink.

Drink again for bad puns.

Ooh-uh.

Okay, never have I ever shown up at a stranger's drag show.

Hmm?

Would we call me a "stranger"?

Oh, I forgot about all those fun Thanksgivings

we spent together.

Don't you just hate how Aunt Pam is always tryin'

to get you to join Amway.

I feel like once you talk about having a baby

with a stranger,

you're acquaintances at the very least.

Like yeah, as the old Irish saying goes...

I am so embarrassed.

Did I say something stupid?

I just... I keep thinking about it and cringing.

Why?

Because I was so drunk.

I don't want some random girl thinking I was tryin'

to solicit her into some arrangement.

Um, you know I have kind of been considering it.

considering what?

Well, I do declare, Mr. Anglo American,

I'm but a spinsterly old maid who has yet

to use these plentiful hips for a single babe.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean yes.

I wouldn't...

I wouldn't bring it up if I wasn't.

Milo, we hardly know each other.

Well, you know me better than some stranger

from an agency.

Yeah, I... uh...

And I know you mean well.

You don't understand what it's like

to go through this over and over again.

Okay, well, I... I like...

Ugh.

I don't even believe in fate or whatever, but it is...

it is like really weird how we met

and it just seems right, you know?

Like the kismet we share or something

and I just think it's really unfair

that there are so many shitty parents in the world,

and you wanna be a dad, and you don't get to be one.

I don't know that I'm supposed to be a dad, Milo.

I feel like maybe just falling through so many times

is the universe's way of telling me "no".

I feel like you can force any random fucking moment or...

Or interaction into any hole and say that it fits.

Like it didn't work out the first three times,

the universe is saying "no",

you need some random chick in a bar who wants to help,

the universe is saying "yes".

The universe is just a bunch of random bullshit

floating around in the ether,

and we're all just picking and choosing which pieces of it

to give meaning to.

Has that been embroidered on a throw pillow yet?

Roger, I... I really feel like uh, I can do something

that is bigger than myself.

Okay.

This is really truly an amazing offer

you've been making and a part of me,

a big part of me, wants to say "yes" right now

before the... the sun comes up and you change your mind,

but this is not a tequila drag decision.

I need...

Can we think about it?

Ow, fuck!

You can take all the time you need, okay,

but I... I am not backing out.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Hey.

Hey, hold this for me a second.

Hmm.

What does she have up her sleeve?

Oh my God, you are amazing.

You are literally God's gift.

Hmm.

When did you even get this?

Oh, the second, I heard we were spending the day

at a fuckin' pumpkin patch.

God bless you.

- Okay, salud, my baby. - Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, I want a pic.

Alright, say is a... is a gourd technically a fruit?

No, I think it's a root vegetable.

- Ooh. Ooh, Milo. - Mm.

- Oh, really? - Mm.

- Milo. - Oh, fuck.

Will you get... will you get one of us?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I don't know like... are you in?

- Yes, yeah. - Alright.

Okay, here we go.

- What are you doing? - I'm smilin'.

- What are you doing? - Hey, got it.

Is it cute?

Yeah, it's... it's good.

Oh, Milo, will you, um, you actually get another one

with like a belly pumpkin photo...

for my parents, you know?

- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.

We'll, uh, probably get the idea with literally any pumpkin?

Oh, here.

Okay, um...

Sorry.

- You got it? - Sorry.

- Yapa! - Alright, good.

- Yes, okay. - Yay.

Okay, good.

Let me get it this way.

Great.

Is it cute?

It's so...

Cute.

- Oh, okay. - Oh.

Look at this!

It's like matching.

Aw!

This is how literally every horror movie starts.

Oh my God, Noor, stop being such a baby.

I am brown, gay, and pregnant.

Who do you think is dying first in this movie?

Okay, we'll go left, you guys go right,

and we'll race to the middle.

We can't all just like walk through a corn maze together?

Where is the unnecessary competition in that?

Come on, it'll be like the Amazing Race,

they're the token gays and we're the closeted Mormons

who aren't tryin' to push their lives

on anybody else.

Ready, set, go.

We're tokens.

Let's go fast, I wanna win.

When we start our year at village in Maine,

I was thinking...

Can Teddy come?

Teddy?

Tinder Teddy.

Oh, wow.

Well, I didn't realize Tinder Teddy

was a farm in Maine serious.

Um, George, I have something really important to tell you,

but you have to keep it a secret, okay?

Oh my God, who knew a corny maze could get more exciting?

Alright.

Um, I'm thinking of becoming a surrogate.

A surrogate what?

Like... like mother.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

For who?

Uh, that guy we met at the bar the other night.

Roger.

I've... I've been spending a lot of time with him

and I... he told me he was tryin' to have kids forever.

What?

I... do you think this is totally crazy?

Milo, babies are for women in their mid-30s

who are tryin' to save their marriage

and start parenting blogs.

Oh my God, George.

- Hey, seriously? - Yeah.

Can you actually imagine givin' up a baby, though?

I mean l... uh, listen,

I know it's gonna be really intense

and really difficult,

but I just feel like everything in my life right now

is like the same level of difficult

and not difficult at all.

And it's just... honestly, it's really paralyzing

to never feel pushed to do something terrifying

and meaningful.

you know?

Shit, wow.

Can we start a gay parenting Instagram

called "Roommates" or something?

Uh, yes!

Yes.

Obviously, yes.

Mm.

Uh.

Okay, you promise you don't think this is

like the craziest thing I've ever done.

Oh, I think you're totally fuckin' crazy,

but I also think this is a pretty awesome thing.

Also, oh my God, a fuckin' baby.

I love other people's kids, I get to give back.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just don't tell Noor yet okay?

Why?

I ju... I... come on, I...

I do not need to be talked out of it right now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I go, "pow".

So pretty and...

Glad we came.

- Oh! - Fuck.

- Ow! - What happened?

Oh shit, my ankle!

What the fuck, Milo?

She's pregnant.

I know, I'm... uh, are you okay?

I'm sorry.

- You know I hate being scared. - I know.

I'm really sorry, that was stupid.

- Are you okay? - I don't know.

It's awesome.

Hey, do you guys sell ovulation tests?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, what... uh, it's good to see you.

Didn't we say a couple of weeks?

Yes, you know, but uh, I was just thinking

like does it make a difference?

You know you've been thinking about this for 20 years, right?

What... huh, what's another week?

Like when you... oh, when... when you're a dad,

you're not gonna have like the luxury of time, you know?

You're just gonna have to like make snap decisions

from your gut.

Do you have like a... a cup or something?

Uh.

Ah, thank you.

Okay, so I was thinking

like we could go poll a room of 100 people, right,

and see if they think this is a good idea or not,

but what if the answer is "no"?

Okay.

It's gotta be now or like maybe in another month,

but it's... it's not gonna be in two weeks.

We need to draw up a contract or something first

at the very least.

I will sign whatever you want me to sign, okay,

but... but like you know, how when you're out drunk

with friends and... and someone's like, "Oh,

we should all go camping",

and then another person is like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I have family in Maine", and then someone else is like,

"Ooh I have a tent" you know, and then...

And then you wake up the next morning,

and everyone like still pretends to be into the idea,

but the idea has just like totally lost its magic,

and it never ends up happening.

What?

I'm just saying.

I think there's like something to be said

for riding the momentum.

I don't know anything about you or your family history.

- Did you even go to college? - Yes, I went to college!

I went to Vassar.

I... I double majored in music, and Greek, and Roman studies.

Awesome, useful choice.

Um, I got a 2110 on my SATs, I'm allergic to pet dander,

and kiwis.

I'm on 20 milligrams of Celexa for depression and anxiety,

and um...

Both of my parents are dead.

- Is that supposed to be a joke? - No.

No, no, they're both... they're both actually dead.

My dad died five years ago of pancreatic cancer

and my mom um,

she committed suicide when I was 10.

So you have full disclosure,

you're like really, really rolling the dice here,

both physically and mentally, but um,

Roger, I'm here, and I wanna do this, and I...

I am in if you are.

Uh, you know, at least,

if your kid turns out super fucked up,

no one can blame the single gay parent.

What the hell?

Okay.

Um, I don't think I'm gonna get another shot at this.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm worried I'm gonna get whiskey dick.

So what do we do?

Uh, well, when um, a very, very old drag queen

loves a young coed very much...

No.

Uh, what kinda porn do you watch?

Milo, come on.

Oh my God, Roger,

stop clutching those pearls so tightly.

Okay, let's see, let's see.

Okay, uh, here we have what looks like a gym teacher

who's probably not winning any teacher of the year awards.

Ooh, we got a dad who should definitely

not be doing that with the stepson.

Okay, um, orgy, May-December Ebony and Ivory.

Just normal average gay consenting adults, please.

Okay.

- Hey. - Hi.

I'm Steve, the RA.

Alright.

I'm sorry, we were just uh...

- Milo, I just... - What?

- Uh. - Just pretend I'm Steve, The RA.

My um, high school boyfriend said

that I was really, really good at this

and he's gay now, so...

I'll um, I'll be back.

? It has been a while since I felt ?

? A part of the hill ?

? The green has escaped me ?

? My charcoal eyes ?

? Say a prayer ?

? Are lookin' wet ?

? Into the r... ?

Hey.

Uh, sorry, that took so long.

Uh, and for the mug.

Wow, you uh, really didn't need to bring a gift

to the first date.

I know how a lady should be treated.

Um, I found this in the bathroom.

I'm pretty sure they gave it to me

to clean out my stitches when I had oral surgery,

but I don't think I ever ended up using it.

Great.

Uh, do you wanna do this out here or...

No, that's fine.

You can use my room.

It's not...

I was in the bathroom.

Okay.

Um, when was the last time you had a half-naked lady

in your bed?

1983.

Okay.

Are you ready for this?

Cheers.

Oh, yes, thank you.

I normally hate having my hair touched.

- Sorry. - No!

No, no, no, it... it... keep going,

it feels nice actually.

So how did... how did you end up here?

Oh.

Um, I was 21,

and so happy to be out of fucking Shipshewana, Indiana,

and then I was really shocked watching people get high,

and fuck each other at night in the park,

and I didn't wanna be shocked,

'cause I literally dreamed of being here forever.

I was this little counter cultural twink

just bloated with irony and angst at home.

And I got here,

and I was like a nun who'd escaped the convent.

I wanted to be Freddie Mercury,

but I knew I looked like Fred Savage.

And that killed me.

That's alright.

So what's your story, chickadee?

Mm-mm.

Honestly, I just kind of always wanted

to be the girl in the band

instead of the girl with the dead parents.

Hmm.

Yeah, well, joke's on me, because they're still dead

and I'm not even in a band.

So...

I should go.

I um, I... I really feel fertilized.

Milo, I... I really, I... I can't thank you enough.

I... um, let's uh, get together in a couple of weeks,

and talk about compensation and everything.

Roger, that is not why I'm doing this.

Come on, that's ridiculous.

I will see you in a few weeks.

Let's do something fun.

George!

Teddy.

Ooh. You know, she just peed on that!

I just peed on that!

Hi, please, hi, I'm Teddy, it's so nice to meet.

And you are definitely pregnant.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Oh, so like I don't even know you,

but I feel like that gay friend the producer's bringin'

on 16 and Pregnant to ask the girl

how she's doing with all of this.

Oh shit, okay, I gotta... I gotta call Roger.

- No. - What? Why?

Hey, where's the pageantry?

You're only gonna be gay pregnant once,

at least put on a show.

What do you want me to do?

Like bake it into a fucking cake or something?

I was thinkin' more like you exit a cab full of doves,

dressed as the Virgin Mary in a rainbow shroud.

George, I'm not doing that.

Okay, fine, then at least tell him in person.

Okay, I will!

? I may be rough and rude ?

? Kiss another tonight ?

? All night for ?

? Liberating on the whole ?

? And I wouldn't have it any other way ?

? It's a bitch expertise ?

? Decode it all you please ?

? I've been hung alive ?

? Good bye I've arrived ?

? And I wouldn't take it any other way ?

Jesus.

You know, it's Hesus.

Not when you're turning water into wine.

This is Milo, my baby mama.

It's like I'm meetin' the Virgin of Guadalupe

in person herself.

Hmm.

A glass of your okayes champagne for Daddy Roger.

Ew, stop saying it like that.

What can I gonna get you, mama?

Sunset surprise?

Mm-mm.

No, she can't drink, she's pregnant.

No, I'll have a glass of red please.

I've actually read a bunch of articles

that say it's completely fine to have a glass of wine or two

while you're pregnant,

as long as you're not like downing shots.

It's just this like fear propagated by suburban mothers

that are just sitting at home obsessing

about their future prodigy and graduating summa cum laude

from Harvard.

People fuck their kids up way worse

by bein' Republicans or Scientologists.

Uh, right?

Salud.

graduating summa cum laude from Harvard

doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world.

Salud.

Mm.

So do you have any names picked out?

Well, my uh,

late grandmother's name was Edna

and she was the kind of brass tacks

first-generation bitch we need more of in this world.

What?

Sorry uh, there's just something about babies

with old-timey names.

It just seems so like twee and self-important to me.

I don't know.

I think it's kinda cute.

Okay, I'm keeping this baby if you name it Edna.

Okay.

Not Edna then.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, okay, okay, do me.

Alright, give it to me.

Okay.

Alright, alright, alright.

Oh, I got it, I got it, I got it.

- Ready? - Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

She's just another white teenager

who doesn't quite fit in at her entirely white school.

I know who J.D. Salinger is, but nobody else does.

This spring, she'll find three other weirdos

and a science teacher to be friends with.

Probably stupid.

You'll find that sometimes growing up

means standing out.

I'm 16, but my over familiar relationship with adults

is completely normal, because I'm mature for my age.

Yeah, pop that booty.

Pop that booty.

No, no, no, no, no!

Do not get up.

What do you want?

Um, I was just gonna grab a seltzer from the fridge.

- I'll get it. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

There's some wine in there, too, if you want it.

KJ feels so guilty drinking without me.

She has like a thimble per week.

Finish it before it turns into vinegar.

No, I'm good.

I'm just gonna have a seltzer, too.

You okay?

Yeah.

Uh, wow.

Am I really that much of an alcoholic?

No, I've just never known you

to turn down a glass of wine before.

Well, um, I'm...

I'm pregnant.

You're fucking with me.

Nope.

Two months

How?

I didn't even know you were seeing anyone.

I'm not, I met this really awesome older gay man

who desperately wants to be a dad and I...

I offered to be a surrogate.

I don't know.

We got really close, we've had...

What are you even talking about?

That's insane!

This is insane.

No, honestly, I don't need a lawyer right now.

Thank you.

This... this is exactly... fuck, what I told George would happen.

- You told George? - Yes, dude, I did okay?

And I'm not gonna be guilt-tripped,

because I chose to tell someone that I knew

who would just support me.

Being supportive is not the same thing

as being enabling.

I'm not like an addict, Noor, okay?

I'm an adult like you

and I'm allowed to make decisions.

I'm allowed to make like really, really big life decisions.

But it's never a decision with you,

it's always just an impulse.

Yeah, you know what it is?

It's never just advice with you, dude,

It's always just a fuckin' therapy session.

Oh shit.

Okay, not one, but two-months' pregnant,

on 1, 2, 3.

I'm gonna shake it.

- Don't shake it, don't. - Yeah.

? I'm gonna call it in the air ?

You're actually not supposed to do that.

I know, I forgot.

But I get so excited.

? Heads we make it, tails we don't ?

? If we stop now, we won't get hurt ?

? Is it too late to take a turn ?

? Heads we make it, tails we don't ?

? He said, toss it ?

- Fucker. - Not that.

? Leave it ?

? Can we keep it ?

? Both sides fleeting ?

? What's the meaning ?

? I'm gonna call it in the air ?

? I'm gonna call it in the air ?

Yeah, take this.

? Heads we make it, tails we don't ?

Just 1, 2, 3.

Yeah!

? If we stop now, we won't get hurt ?

? Is it too late to take a turn ?

Oh, what the fuck are we doing?

? Heads we make it, tails we don't ?

You look really great.

? She said... ?

It's a very romantic instrument.

We can throw in the strap for free.

Uh...

We could let this go for a price of...

Oh...

You're welcome to String Theory.

We sell guitars, mandolins,

and free key triggers we keep in the back.

Milo, why didn't you tell us you had Cameron Owusu in the shop?

Who?

Hmm.

This man is the lead guitarist for After After.

No way, that's nuts, I've seen you guys play!

Motion to set Milo adrift on a flaming raft.

- Yay! - Nay.

Tough call,

but tie vote defaults to the nays.

Lucky.

Anyway.

Uh, are you still interested in that Johnson?

Nah, that kinda fell through.

I'm just here to pick up some strings

and a looper pedal.

Guys.

Guys, Milo, helped me out the last time

and I didn't buy anything, so I'm gonna

give her the sales commission on this one.

So just uh, swingin' by your favorite

three-star Yelp-reviewed specialty Brooklyn guitar shop

or like what?

Straight up, I was kinda hopin' you'd be here.

I tried to call you on the number

on your business card, but...

Oh yeah, that's the phone here.

They've destroyed it last year, because it was ringing too much.

But can I give you my number, so you have it?

Yes, you may.

Thank you.

Jesus.

Hey, you're all dolled up.

Hey, yeah, I got a hot date.

With me?

No, with a very fine musician.

I uh, totally fucked up my makeup,

so I came to beg for a touch-up, and I figured I'd stop by

and bring you some literature you might like,

very queer, very downright, social construct.

Oh, huh.

Great minds.

No, thank you, that's great.

I can give it to one of the dads in my dad group.

You're in a dad group?

That's... that's fun.

Yeah, it's like this whole underbelly of New York

I had no idea existed.

I'm like a suburban housewife who just discovered

narcotics anonymous meets at her church basement

on Wednesdays.

Well, um, let me know if you need me

for bring-your-spunky-surrogate day.

It's more of a chance for gay dads

and prospective dads to connect and support each other, but...

Okay, uh, do you have any liquid liner?

This is a mess.

Yeah.

Um, fair warning,

I don't have much experience with civilian makeup.

That's okay.

I can look like Lady Esther on the right

and Lady Bunny on the left.

Hello, Bergen, and welcome to trivia night.

As always, I am your host Giana, this is my partner Jamie.

We are with Broadly Entertaining.

first things first, you gotta come up with a team name.

Now your team name does not have to be funny or clever,

but it sure helps

I mean if it's not a guitar pun, we're doin' something wrong.

Mm, puns and roses, thin quizzy, pinball quizzard.

You just got those loaded and about?

Yes, yes, I do.

I can go on all night.

How about G string?

Yeah, that seems a little bass for me,

but um, I can fuck with it,

Oh, I'm sorry.

My puns aren't up to your standards

unless bass was supposed to be a pun,

in which case they most definitely are.

Mm.

Takes a lot of practice to be this lame.

Cameron, hi, hi, hi.

Hey.

Bee's Knees for you?

Fuck me up, Kim.

And for you?

Um, I would just like a soda and lime, please.

Alright, folks.

Nolan Ryan, nicknamed the Ryan Express,

he holds the all-time record for no hitters.

Please tell us one of the four major league teams

he pitched for in his career.

The Mets, the Angels, the Astros, the Rangers.

What?

Hey, sports fan.

My dad grew up in Ghana,

but he was obsessed with American baseball.

He still collects cards.

You see, this is why I like trivia.

Let's you rush past all the what's your middle name,

and do you have any pets,

and get to what's actually interesting.

There you go.

- Hey, enjoy. - Thank you.

Are you sure you don't wanna drink drink?

Uh, yeah, no, I just... I don't know.

I don't wanna get tired.

Roland Orzabal was one half of which English pop rock band?

Tears for Fears, bitch.

I was actually junior class social chair

and I refused to play anything

besides British '80s rock anthems

for all three and a half hours of homecoming

and they unanimously voted to impeach me

halfway through the dance, so...

That's kinda baller in a really, really lame way.

Funny that you say that,

because lame baller was my very first AIM screen name

and it will be the title of my autobiography.

Alright, friends, for number three...

Oh, whoa!

Cute.

Hmm, welcome to the pad.

A first place trophy would have looked so good in here.

No, they don't give you a trophy for first place.

I'd know.

Well, thanks for my consolation prize sticker.

I'm um, I'm gonna look at it every day

and think about how mediocre I am.

You need a sticker for that?

I guess I do.

I don't think you're mediocre at all.

I think you're the worst.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Um, hold on a sec, okay?

Uh...

Hey.

Hey.

Did you put on my shirt?

I'm sorry, I didn't tell you earlier.

I just uh...

You know, it didn't come up

in any of the trivia night questions, so...

Yeah, I feel like maybe you could have mentioned it

before I had your clothes halfway off your body.

I mean would you have still asked me out

if I told you?

That feels like entrapment.

Don't they say entrapment is like the sincerest form

of flattery?

I'm sorry.

So after this what?

Just another four or five months and it's done?

No, I mean I... I think I'll be more

like a... an aunt or um...

I don't know.

The non-denominational godparent,

like a not religious to spiritual parent.

Can I ask you why you decided to do this?

I mean I know it's... it's like a great thing to do,

but like why?

Do you ever feel like um,

like you've already experienced the most intense version

of like every emotion you'll ever feel?

What do you mean?

Like...

Okay, like, like um... uh, like when you're a kid

or um, or a teenager and like you know,

you feel fear or pain or loss for the first time you know,

it's... it's so intense.

So you decided to do this because it's like a...

A new feeling?

That... I mean that makes me sound

like I'm being entirely self-serving, but...

No, I'm just saying.

It's a... it's a pretty big decision to make

for the sake of catharsis.

Yeah, I mean when m... I had a lot of...

A lot of really shitty family stuff happen

when I was a kid and...

Hmm.

I don't know.

I just looked for something else to feel intensely

to make the other feelings seem duller.

Like you know how when there's a car alarm going off outside

and like you turn on the AC even though you're not hot,

because like the sound that's closer to your ear

just kinda quiets the louder one.

I'm sorry.

I just... I really...

I really hate having my hair played with.

I like you a little bit, Milo.

I like you a little bit, too.

Okay.

Um, Ren�e.

- Too French. - Mm.

Jack?

Too John Cougar Mellencamp.

Okay.

Voldemort.

That is perfect.

Do you ever talk to the baby or... or read to it or anything?

Uh, no.

No, I guess I don't.

I picked up this book of poems about pregnancy

and I don't know, I wanted to give it to you

in case you wanted to try it sometime.

I've read that it's good for the baby to be talked to.

Yes, of course.

Uh.

Ah, the Consecrating Mother.

I love Anne Sexton.

Okay.

Uh, "I stand before the sea,

and it rolls and rolls in its green blood saying..."

Can I actually read it?

Um, if it's okay with you?

I really want the baby to know my voice

if that's really a thing?

I...

Yes, of course, read it.

"Saying, 'Do not give up one God for I have a handful.'

The trade winds blew

in their twelve-fingered reversal

and I simply stood on the beach

while the ocean made a cross of salt

and hung up its drowned and they cried Deo Deo.

The ocean offered them up in the vein of its might.

I wanted to share this,

but I stood alone like a pink scarecrow.

The ocean steamed in and out,

the ocean gasped upon the shore, but I could not define her.

I could not name her mood, her locked-up faces.

Far off, she rolled and rolled like a woman in labor

and I thought of those who had crossed her

in antiquity, in nautical trade, in slavery, in war.

I wondered how she had borne those bulwarks.

She should be entered skin to skin

and put on like one's first or last cloth,

envered like kneeling your way into church,

descending into that ascension, though she be slick as olive oil

as she climbs each wave like an embezzler of white."

Let's read the end together.

Oh, okay.

Uh, the big deep.

"The big deep knows the law as it wears its gray hat."

"Though the ocean comes in its destiny

with its 100 lips,

and in moonlight she comes in her nudity,

flashing breasts made of milk water,

flashing buttocks made of unkillable lust,

and at night when you enter her, you shine like a neon soprano.

I am that clumsy human on the shore

loving you, coming, coming, going,

and wish to put my thumb on you like The Song of Solomon."

There you go.

Some little fingers and toes there.

We like fingers and toes.

Yay, fingers and toes.

Thanks, I grew them myself.

Since you're a bit late for your five-month appointment

and your little friend is being cooperative,

I can tell you the sex today if you wanna know.

- Oh my God, wonderful. - Oh, no.

No, I don't really wanna know.

Okay.

It's common for one parent to wanna know

and the other to remain surprised.

Ms. Winiker, if you wanna step out of the room after this,

I can tell Mr. Nyhum the sex of the baby.

I think I'd really like to know.

I'm... I'm 52.

At this point, I'd like to remove

as much uncertainty from the process as possible.

Yeah, I just... I always imagined

being surprised the first time, you know?

Did you imagine it like this?

Roger, I don't wanna know, okay?

If you do, that's fine.

I have to go pee anyway for like 500th time today.

Hey.

Hi.

You're upset or something?

Just exhausted

and it's like started to move around,

which is just like the weirdest feeling imaginable.

I asked her not to tell me.

Really?

Yeah.

Uh, what do I care?

I'm tryin' to parent beyond pink and blue anyway.

Thank you.

So my lawyer friend finally got the contract back to me

and I thought now is as good a time as any

to hand it off to you.

Are you like suddenly afraid

I'm gonna steal this kid from you?

No, I mean it protects you, too.

If I go swimming in the Hudson and contract a...

a brain parasite, I can't shelf this kid off on you.

Anyway, you get those back to me next month

at the appointment.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I'll see you before then.

Just uh, let me know.

This week is crazy for me.

Okay, yeah, I'll uh, I'll see you soon, Roger.

Chuck chuck to Bustin, chuck chuck to Linn,

Be careful little Lilah's starting to fall in!

- Oh! - Oh.

Okay, okay, okay.

Who had uh, white people like white people?

Very good, very funny.

I win.

Um, I call it "preferential treatment".

If I was giving preferential treatment,

it would be to you.

Oh please, they're cute.

I wanna play charades.

It's George's birthday.

What do you wanna play?

Yeah, I mean charades is good.

Milo, are we still waiting for Roger?

Uh, I don't know,

I don't know if he's gonna make it.

I am sure we'll meet him eventually.

Yeah.

Uh, I mean he works nights and he's about to have a baby,

he's a really busy guy.

Okay, are you getting fussy?

I'm gonna put her in right there.

Sure, yeah, put here right in.

Little bit of fussy girl.

Uh, does anybody want anything to drink?

Oh, I'll have another Sixpoint.

Thanks.

Hmm.

Shit.

We're uh... we're out.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go out and get some.

No, don't worry about it.

- No, we are fine. - No, it's fine.

Honestly, I need the fresh air anyway.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Jesus, did you go to Alpha Centauri?

You've been gone like 35 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, the corner deli was closed.

Alright, we gotta come up with some words for charades.

How about some obscure legal Latin?

Write "res ipsa loquitur".

Ugh, amazing.

I don't even know what that is.

It goes without saying.

I mean okay, it's... I don't... I don't speak Latin.

No, that's what it means, "it goes without saying".

Oh, right.

Uh, speaking of Latin, have you had a chance

to look over my contract?

Yeah, we should make some time to talk about it.

Okay, uh, we're here now.

Yeah, but uh, I just had a glass of wine and...

It's more than a five-minute conversation.

Noor, I wasn't like asking you to write me a legal brief

I just... I wanted you to look over it

and make sure everything seemed normal.

Okay.

Thank you.

"The surrogate shall relinquish

and the genetic father shall take immediate, full,

and absolute custody of the child upon birth,

and all decisions concerning the child's health,

in utero and after delivery,

shall be made by the genetic father."

I'm worried that's incredibly prohibitive language.

No, it's just a technicality that protects both of us.

Okay.

"Any child born pursuant to the conduct

contemplated by this agreement shall be morally, ethically,

legally, contractually, and otherwise the child

of the genetic father for all purposes,

the surrogate agrees to sign all necessary affidavits,

consents, and/or waivers,

and to attend all necessary court hearings

to establish the genetic father's parenthood to their prior...

Okay. Okay, okay, I get it.

You made your point, Noor, okay?

This doesn't sound like a formality between friends.

This sounds like someone who is absolutely legally capable

of preventing you from seeing this baby forever

if he wants to.

No.

No, he would never do something like that.

I'm not judging, Milo.

These are reasonable questions to ask.

I don't even know what he looks like.

Uh, it's not like you introduced us

to your sperm donor.

I also didn't drink whiskey at his fucking house.

Okay, look, I know how hard it was for you to get pregnant

and now I'm doing that for someone else

in your position.

I just feel like can't you just like be... be...

What?

Grateful?

Were you gonna say "grateful" to you?

Like on behalf of the gay community?

Yeah, we'll get your key to Fire Island

as soon as possible.

Why are you being such a shithead to me?

Because you are incapable of listening

unless you're told exactly what you wanna hear.

KJ told me not to do this and I still...

Oh my God.

What?

You're a fucking lawyer, dude.

It dr... it... honestly, it drives me insane

when you act like some diffident housewife.

Like... like if KJ were a dude,

she would be the picture of an overbearing boyfriend.

Like your wife let you do your actual job.

I'm sorry welcome to the 21st fucking century.

She didn't let me do anything.

- Marriage is a partnership. - Hmm.

Yes, I run major decisions by my wife.

Oh, oh, cool.

I had no idea

that giving your best friend legal advice

constituted as a major life decision.

It shouldn't be,

but you always end up mental gymnasticsing me

and it's fucking exhausting, Milo!

Yes, because one minute

you're the moral authority of the world...

Oh!

And the next you're the fucking victim.

Yeah, that's called "having a conscience"!

Okay.

You know how when you ask people about their childhood friends

and they're always like, "You know,

if we met each other now, we just we'd never be friends,

but we've known each other for so long."

Noor, I never thought that was us, but...

No, 'cause I think cacti is plural for cactus.

Ooh.

- Oh, that's a good one. - Oh, no, no, we're not done yet.

I'm sorry, guys, I'm just... I'm not feeling that well.

I think I'm just gonna head home.

- Are you okay? - You haven't even had cake.

Are you seriously leaving?

Yeah, I am!

We got into an argument and now she's like running home.

Okay, can we all just keep it down?

I am speaking at a perfectly reasonable volume!

It's a baby, fucking Christ, that's what it does.

Yeah, I actually had a kid with the full knowledge

and understanding of what a commitment that is.

Right, yes.

In retrospect, I really should have come

to you for advice KJ.

You know what, Milo, you are incapable of listening

unless you are told exactly what you wanna hear.

Do you two just like sit up at night

and talk about me instead of having sex?

Milo.

Can you not swear in front of the baby?

No, no, no, no, I'm s... I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't say "sex" in front of the fucking baby!

- Let's just go. - Alright.

- Come on, let's just go. - Yeah.

It's not worth it.

Wait, you can't push open...

Definitely, go home and send me the therapy bill

in 15 years, okay? That's fine.

Come on. No, no, no.

Just... yeah.

Okay, but like I'm mostly mad that I just...

I feel like I can't have a single conversation with her

without like a specter of KJ just like hanging over.

You know what I mean?

Noor loves you.

Not as much as she loves KJ, no ma...

No matter how unreasonable she's being.

They're married.

Sorry, can I have another wine, please?

Hey, Milo,

you know I'm never one to police a good time,

but should you maybe slow down?

George, it's fine.

Um, I think if you just apologize,

it'll probably work itself out.

- Okay, are you like on her side? - No, I...

Hey, neither of us even heard the argument.

I think she's just worried about you.

Do you think she needs to be?

No, I think it's a little weird

that you're in this new relationship

that seems good for you,

but you spend so much time with Roger

and none of us have even met him.

Yeah, okay, well, he's like literally on his way

to come meet us right now,

so why don't you take a picture of him

and just send it to Noor, okay?

Hi, you've reached Roger.

I'm not here right now.

Leave me a message and I'll get back to you

as soon as I can.

Hey, it's me uh, again.

I'm at phoenix and I'm just...

I'm starting to get a little worried,

because it's been a couple of hours

and I still haven't heard from you.

Um...

And I've been feeling some cramps,

and like a few sharper pains in my sides,

and I don't know if it's anything.

Anyway, yeah, I um...

...I just wanted to keep you posted.

So yeah, you... you know where to find me.

Uh...

Oh yeah.

- Okay. - Ooh yeah.

Hey, are you okay?

Is everything alright?

What? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, uh, Roger, this is George, my roommate,

and his recurring Tinder date Teddy.

It's really good to see you.

It's been a minute, huh?

Uh, wait, are you drinking?

I had some wine.

Yeah, one is fine.

Alright.

You sure everything's okay?

Why wouldn't it be?

Milo said she was having stomach pains.

Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?

Uh, they passed.

Seriously, I'm fine.

It... it wasn't a big deal.

I just... I almost didn't even mention it.

It's fine.

You called me and asked me to come be with you.

No, I wasn't like...

Seriously, I just said that in passing, okay?

I... I was just calling to see if you wanted to come meet us

for a drink?

Okay, I'm gonna head back home.

I'm uh, glad everything's okay.

No, come on, you're already here.

Let me just buy you a whiskey soda.

I don't even have my wallet on me.

W...

I'll see you at the appointment next week.

Sorry.

I... I really... I... ooh, I do not know

what that was about.

Phew.

Thank God, men can't get pregnant.

'Cause I mean Jesus the f... fucking volatility.

I'm gonna call it a night.

No, wait, George.

Come on, please stay.

I need to be distracted.

Hey, George, what is wrong?

It's my birthday,

and this is the first time I've asked Teddy to come hang out

with all of us, and now I feel like he thinks

I have a crazy dramatic group of friends.

This is Noor.

Honestly, I don't really care whose fault it is.

Hi.

I really genuinely feel like five years ago,

conspiracy theories were the glue

that bound us all together

and now it's like someone's conspiracy theory

So delicate yet so strong.

I wish Milo would shut up.

Hmm.

Milo.

Milo.

And it honestly drives me crazy like every...

- Milo. - What?

Could you just...

Could you just please be quiet?

Yeah, it's becoming increasingly difficult

just to sit here and enjoy the music.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You mean you... oh, you want me to be quiet

like um, this?

Just like sit here, quiet.

It's just that for once we have a talented semi-famous musician

playing an instrument,

whereas we get to listen to you talk for hours on end

literally every day.

Um, hi, hello, yes, I... I'm um, I'm a musician, too.

Yeah, but thing is like you're not really though, are you?

Yeah, you haven't played an open mic

since you started working here, so...

Hey, some of my friends are playing

at the Knitting Factory tonight if you wanna come?

I think you'd like them.

- The Knitting Factory. - Got it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what?

Tonight.

You wanna come to a show with me?

Uh, no, I can't, I can't.

I'm... I'm doing something with Roger.

I'm sorry, but we're on for Saturday, yeah?

Yeah, sure.

- I'll see you later. - Bye.

Uh...

That's mine, too.

Bye.

The Knitting Factory tonight, man.

The Knitting Factory.

The Knitting Factory, I didn't get a kiss.

Nope.

Milo, what are you doing here?

I was just uh, stopping by on my way home from work.

I wanted to ask you about the...

Yeah, now is not a good time, so...

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Ken.

Hi.

Uh, Ken, uh, this is Milo.

You're Milo.

Yeah.

It is nice to meet you.

Ken, I'm... I'm really... I'm sorry to crash the party.

I d... I didn't... I didn't know you had anyone over.

I hope you don't think it's weird,

but I just wanna tell you it is such a wonderful thing

that you're doing.

You know, all the dads in our group were so touched

when we heard the story.

Oh, you're... you're in the dad group, too?

Uh, that... that's awesome.

Do you have kids?

Yeah, Lyla, she's 4.

Uh, I can't believe I haven't met you yet.

Have you been to any of Roger's shows?

Not yet,

but I hear he's the belle of the ball, though.

He is, you should come sometime.

Uh, we could sit together

and we'd get you a sunset surprise.

Yeah, I'm... I'm not on this week,

but um, maybe sometime.

Sure.

Well, I... I'd offer you a glass of wine, but...

Yeah, that's fine, that's fine.

Um, I'm seeing Milo later this week.

I'll uh, Milo, let me... let me walk you down.

It's uh, nice to meet you, Ken.

I had no idea you were seeing someone.

Yeah, I have been for a while.

Why didn't you say anything?

Because it just didn't seem relevant.

Relevant to... to what?

Milo, you need to text me before you come over.

You know if anything's happening with the baby,

I'm here day or night.

Otherwise, we need to start setting some boundaries.

Okay.

Alright. So what um...

What are our boundaries then, Roger?

I'll honestly feel better about our boundaries

when you return the contract.

Okay, I... I mean I... I just...

I saw that you were home tonight,

so I figured I'd stop by on my walk home.

How'd you even know I was home?

You posted a picture.

Okay, this... this is what I'm talking about.

I should be able to post something

on a personal account

without you taking it as an open invitation

to drop in whenever you feel like it,

like it's an episode of Friends or something.

It's a public account.

I didn't like pay someone

to track down your social security number

and your mother's maiden name for me.

No, but you are taking photos of me

through my window.

That was a joke.

It was weird, Milo!

It made me feel weird.

And then, the whole telling me you had stomach pains

to get me to go hang out with you at a bar!

My stomach did feel weird, Roger, okay?

I... I mean I'm not like insane.

You're making me sound like I'm insane

or like I'm stalking you or something.

You know how wonderful I think you are.

I am so fucking excited that this kid is gonna

have your awesome genes.

If she's half as badass as you, she's gonna do okay

in this insane difficult world.

She?

Shit.

- You said that you didn't find out. - Shit.

Milo, I'm sorry.

I w...

I wanted to know.

I just... like I really... I really fucking wanted

to keep this one thing for myself.

I'm sorry I told you.

It... it was shitty, but it was an accident.

I'm not sorry for wanting to know the gender of my child.

I've been waiting for this for 20 years!

Right, so I'm... I'm... I'm just your surrogate.

Is that the way you talk about me in your dad group?

No.

I just need you to let me figure out

how to be a dad on my own.

Hey, um, do you wanna... do you wanna go

to Rogers um, show at Thigh High tonight just...

Just the two of us?

Um, I'm supposed to spend the night at Teddy's,

but yeah, I'm down.

Tinder Teddy still?

Yeah, it's been like six months.

George, are you mad at me?

No, just naked.

Are you done yet?

Uh, yeah, sorry, shit.

Uh, okay.

Whoops.

- Don't flush the toi... - Sorry, shit, sorry!

Ooh, I am sure your daddy will be able to teach you

to do makeup much better than I can.

- Hi. - Hey.

What's up?

There should be a special place in hell

for people who organize supermarkets.

Oh no!

Yeah, you're welcome,

I'm makin' you a goddamn stuffed artichoke.

Um, you're gonna kill me.

If you tell me I'm only making one stuffed artichoke.

Yeah, I might.

I totally forgot.

Did you make other plans?

No.

No, no, no, Roger has a show tonight,

and we had a really weird night this week,

and I wanna go, and try, and sort things over.

Please, please, please, please, come and then you know,

we can go back to your place right after.

We planned this like a week ago.

I know, I know, I'm sorry.

I... I'll be in and out, I promise.

I'll give you a head.

Don't try to negotiate sex for food.

Okay, uh, meet me there.

I'll text you the address.

Bye.

Bye.

Shit.

Did you invite Cameron?

Yeah.

Sorry, I forgot we were supposed to have date night,

so I told him to come meet us here.

Okay, I'm gonna get a drink.

Okay.

Hello.

- Hey. - Hi.

- How are you? - Good, good, good.

Uh, let's go get seats.

Milo.

Jesus, hi!

Does Roger know you're here?

Uh, no, no, no,

I didn't even know he was performing.

Hey, come.

Come, come, sit at the bar.

No, no, no, we're gonna go find seats.

Never been to a drag show before.

Yes, why is that?

No, I don't know.

I just... like you're like you did some work

and they let you... give you a rogue strap

and take you to a drag show.

I must have missed that day of orientation.

Sucks to be you.

Fun little fact for y'all.

Suppository is actually my drag auntie

and I don't know

if you're allowed to fuck your drag aunt,

but if Game of Thrones tells us anything,

and it does, it's yes, mama!

Ooh!

Next up is my personal favorite DILTF

that stands for "Daddy, I'd like to find

an amazing family therapist

to work through our deep-seated issues with."

Angela Merkin!

Hello, hello, guys and dolls,

I've been reading a lot of baby books lately

and they all tell me that gender is a social construct

and that all of us should be playing with dolls,

so apparently, I am the modern picture

of the perfect parent.

Wooh!

Yes, I'm sure your mother's very proud.

This one goes out to all the daddies out there,

but it is dedicated to one very special daddy,

my Kenny.

Aw!

Hit it, Sam.

? Somebody said you got a new friend ?

That was some show.

Uh, yeah, he's great, right?

Milo, can I talk to you a second?

Yep.

Did you not tell Roger we were comin' here tonight?

Ugh, chill, George, it's fine.

Are you okay?

Yes!

Like are you actually okay?

Because this is all startin' to get really weird

and you're bein' like a little manic.

Okay, yeah, let's uh,

let's all remember which one of us

is medicated for that.

Wow.

If you wanna light yourself on fire, Milo,

that's up to you, but I'm not gonna stand here

and burn up next to you.

Is that like a little... little therapy tidbit you filed away?

I'm sorry for not taking relationship advice

from someone who has literally cheated

on every person he's been with.

You okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

You don't have to stay here.

You're supposed to go to my place tonight.

I know, I... it's important that I talk to Roger.

- What? - What are you doing here?

Stopping by the performance

that wasn't happening this weekend.

What are you talking about?

Last week, when I was at your house,

you told me that you weren't on tonight.

I am allowed to have a life that doesn't involve you.

Oh, okay.

I'm just... I'm just tryin' to figure out

how we went from taking shots in your dressing room

to arguing on a street corner.

We... we were... no, we were fine like... like a month ago.

This is not the life I want for my kid.

This is a check for $13,000.

It's most of my savings.

I'm gonna be very clear.

This is a transaction.

No.

No, it is what I say it is.

I'm fucking pregnant.

Roger, you... you manipulated me into thinking

that we were friends.

Is this what a friendship looks like to you?

Do what you want with that.

Deposit it or don't, I don't care,

but you better return those papers signed

by the end of next week

or I will make it a fucking problem for you.

Uh, I think you should go to your own place tonight.

Are you serious?

Because of Roger?

No, Milo, because of you.

You keep blowin' me off for someone

who clearly doesn't want you around.

It is a really, really complicated situation.

I don't doubt that.

But whether you keep misrepresenting it to me,

yourself or both.

Cameron, will you please just like chill for five minutes?

I'll see you.

Hey, it's Noor.

Leave me a message, I'll call you back.

Hey, it's Noor.

Leave me a message, I'll call you back.

Hey, it's me.

Um...

Please, call me.

I'm really sorry.

I know that I was out of line the other night

and I'm... I'm sorry, Noor.

I really...

I really, really need you, please call me back.

? Are you afraid of the dark, my baby ?

? I said, mother, oh, mother, I am ?

? Lay here as still as you can, my baby ?

? And I'll fill up your eyelids with sand ?

? I cried myself to sleep ?

? While the monsters were quietly creeping ?

? Through the cracks in my door ?

? Plundering sheets for to dream in ?

? What if our house catches fire tonight ?

? She says, baby, oh, baby, it won't ?

? How do you know so much more than I do ?

? She says, baby, oh, baby, I don't ?

? I cried myself to sleep ?

? While the flame melt my whole into hollow ?

? In the snow white... ?

Hi.

Hi.

I... I promise I'm not... I'm not tryin' to trap you.

Just drinking with my name sake?

Oh, yeah, yeah, he does okay in a pinch.

Okay, uh I...

I think you're feeling like I've been an asshole

who is completely preoccupied with my own life

and I am feeling like I have been an asshole

who is completely preoccupied with my own life.

You see, I can do therapy, too.

I printed out a list of um, of all the questions

I wish I had asked you over the past seven months.

Please sit.

Good.

How's the sex with Teddy?

Our DM says it's fantastic.

Huh-huh.

If you could be any dessert wine,

which one would you be?

Dessert wine is for people who don't value themselves.

Correct.

How's your head?

No complaints.

How many times have you sharted since last week?

On purpose or by mistake?

1, 2, 3.

What's in the box?

"I have heard what the talkers were talking,

the talk of the beginning and the end.

There was never any more inception

than there is now,

nor any more youth or age than there is now."

1, 2, 3.

Are you ready for this?

Gotta seduce your man.

Hey!

Oh, that's when you were sick.

Yeah.

Hi.

Um, hello.

As many of you may know from never seeing me before

uh, I don't usually do stuff like this,

but um, I'm trying these days to try I guess, so yeah.

This is an original song called "Milk water".

Oh, uh, and thank you to Matt.

Very special thanks to Matt for letting me play here tonight

and for conceding that at least if I suck,

you guys will all probably drink more.

Uh, just a glass of vodka for you.

Uh.

I wanted to thank you for the papers in person.

I need to say I'm sorry to you.

I... I really... I think I needed this

to be something that it was not goin' to turn into

and um, I'm sorry.

I don't think I was completely fair

or honest with my feelings either.

I liked having a friend, maybe a partner.

I got carried away, too.

Thank you.

I need to be a parent on my own first

and then down the road.

Who knows?

I just need a chance to get on that road.

I'm meeting Ken for a late dinner,

so I gotta get going,

but um, I will see you at the check-up next week.

I actually really like Eddie as a name.

Really?

Yeah, it's cute.

And it's very you.

George!

This feels completely unnecessary.

- No, no, yes it is. - Come on.

Where's the fucking car?

I don't know!

It said it's gonna be here in two minutes.

What?

Will someone please hand me my fucking phone

or call Roger?

This is really early and I know it's normal.

But like what if it's too early?

It's gonna be fine, it wants to come out.

I know, don't we all?

Huh, see?

She's still making jokes.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

What if its head is like sticking out of me?

Do you want me to check?

Yeah, actually I do.

Okay.

Actually, no.

Never mind, George.

This is weird.

I don't want you to do that, get out of there.

Thank God.

It's... it's... it's here, it's here.

Okay, please, look, this is it.

It's the last thing you do.

Just get in this cab and then you're good.

No way, man,

I'm not takin' fuckin' pregnant lady.

- What? Are you kidding? - That's discrimination!

That's not discrimination!

I don't wanna fuckin' baby goo all over my car!

What is your name?

Frank.

Okay, Frank, I will name this baby Frank

if you just drive us to the fucking hospital, okay?

Okay.

But that better be Frank Antonio Raffaelee III,

With two Es!

- Fuck, go! - Fucking, just go!

Just go!

Send me a picture of little Frankie

and a Christmas card!

Oh.

Okay, I'm gonna go get you a nurse.

Deep breaths.

Fuck.

George, fuck, I can't do this.

I can't do this please, break my leg.

Please just break... break my leg,

because then I can't push

and then they have to give me a C-section.

Hey, hey, this is it.

This is really it.

You let me pull a splinter out of your vagina

after your skinny dip off of Connor Demanuel's

lake house dock junior year.

- You can do this. - Okay.

- Hey. - Okay, okay, okay.

Hi.

Hey, honey.

Oh my God, I really passed out.

Um, she with Roger?

Are they okay?

Mmhmm.

Roger's out there, she's with him.

She's so beautiful.

You did such a good job.

I thought it was gonna be disgusting

and it was...

But I also cried the whole time.

He did.

He really, really did.

Thank you for being here, you guys.

Of course.

Although, I did almost leave out of sheer jealousy.

I was in labor for 22 hours

and you just pushed her right out.

22 hours?

Ugh, it's gross.

Like I guess taking all that dick

did really pay off.

It's like uh, Slip 'N Slide.

Yeah.

All cool?

- Mmhmm. - Oh.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

How are you?

Why does everyone keep calling me "honey"?

Don't ruin your baby glow.

I'm okay, I think.

Why do I still look pregnant?

This is so weird.

You look radiant.

Just don't look in the mirror.

- You wanna hold her? - No.

No, no, no, no.

I just... I feel really sore still.

Can I get you anything?

Hmm.

Yeah, actually, do you mind grabbing me some ice?

Of course.

Are you still seeing Cameron on Friday?

Uh, yeah.

Um, we're gonna get a drink after a show.

Can you read the vibe?

Not really.

No, we're just trying not to overthink it, you know?

Yeah.

I'll see him, I'll make amends.

Who knows after that?

Oh, come on!

I am finally getting to hang out with a human adult.

Are you really gonna ruin it for me?

Yes, she did.

? How was I to know ?

? Courage filled you up ?

? And I just fold ?

? Could it be, it was better ?

? Undeniably so ?

? Would you really trade the weather ?

? For half this home ?

? If I only knew the right way ?

? To be wrong ?

? If I could only do it right ?

? Then I'll be gone ?

? It's been so long, for the record ?

? I waited even though ?

? They say our timing's off ?

? And you laugh, and I don't ?

? Counted all of the efforts ?

? And I played 'em like a joke ?

? Would you really wait forever ?

? You ask, and I choke ?

? If I only knew the right way ?

? To be wrong ?

? If I could only do it right ?

? Then I'll be gone ?

? It's been so long a record ?

? How was I to know ?

? I don't wanna bother you ?

? But I just need to bother you now ?

? I know there's other people here ?

? I just see them out in the crowd ?

? Do you see my eyes, do you see my need ?

? I'm so transparent, so trust me please ?

? I want you to feel me ?

? Can you just feel me now ?

? You're a black light ?

? And I've been doin' something dirty, baby ?

? It's a hot night ?

? The way that you're moving got me all wavy ?

? You're a black light ?

? And I've been doing somethin' dirty, baby ?

? I just want you to see my bad need ?

? And if you want it you can have me ?

? I don't wanna trouble you ?

? But you have seemed to trouble me now ?

? I know there's so many bodies in here ?

? I just want yours around ?

? Do you see my eyes, can you feel my heat ?

? Do I make your knees quake to the beat ?

? Of all this rhythm that I'm makin' ?

? My arms are open, you can take it ?

? Oh ?

? You're a black light ?

? And I've been doing somethin' dirty, baby ?

? It's a hot night ?

? The way that you're moving got me all wavy ?

? You're a black light ?

? And I've been doing somethin' dirty, baby ?

? I just want you to see my bad need ?

? And if you want it you can have me ?

? Oh ?

? Have me, have me ?

? And if you want it you can have me ?

? Have me, have me ?

? And if you want it you can have me ?

? Have me, have me, baby ?

? And if you want it you can have me ?

? Have me, yeah ?

? And if you want it you can have me ?