Original subtitles

‐ I, Balder the Brave, have assembled the best warriors in all of Asgard,

to defend the sanctity of our land.

We must find the evil sorcerer who madeth this tear in our sky

and sullies our beauteous realm with unholy artifacts‐‐

‐ What else can I launch down this trash portal I built to Asgard?

‐ I don't understand,

how is this gonna help you destroy Monica

and reclaim your title as Scientist Supreme?

‐ It won't, it just makes me feel great to screw with Thor.

Every time I feel sad, I throw a string cheese wrapper down there.

If only there was a way not to eat the string cheese.

As for Monica, I have a diabolically intricate plan.

First, I wanna chuck one of these heavy mothers into the portal.

‐ Oh, can't let you do that.

I was elected the office fire safety captain.

I take fire very seriously.

Gorgeous fire, sexy fire,

flickering like a dancing woman!

An elusive beauty you'd destroy the world just to please!

‐ Yeah, yeah, fire's awesome. Now hand me that milk.

This trashcan here is a portal directly into my stomach.

That way when my mouth is busy eating, other food gets VIP stomach access.

See? Why eat harder when you can eat smart‐‐

‐ Oh. Oh no, puke makes me‐‐ ‐ Gary, no!

‐ So, MODOK, I know you've been ignoring my emails.

‐ Oh, I meant to tell you I have a new email now.

MODOK at Austin‐sucks‐butts‐dot‐edu.

‐ Why would it be an edu?

‐ 'Cause I just took you to school!

‐ Clearly you're not responding to my management style

so from here on out I'll be delivering you orders

via my sweet little puppy, Sherlock.

"Hey. I'm Sherlock, and people are complaining

"that you're not delivering their packages,

which makes me think you're low‐key not doing your job."

‐ First of all, Sherlock is an absolute little gentleman.

He would never say that.

Second of all, look at his little scarf, oh my gosh!

Third of all, he would never say that. Now get out of here!

‐ If you can't deliver the mail, we're gonna have to demote you.

And I'd hate to demote you,

because then I'd have to figure out what's lower than this.

Hey, Dillman! Sherlock's got some news for you.

"We saw some inappropriate images on your hard drive.

Pretty ruff‐ruff stuff! The police are on their way!"

‐ Gary, I'm feeling some good rage right now.

Let's channel it into this.

Behold: a battle suit proportional to my head,

giving me the power to crush Austin and Monica

and finally experience what it's like to have thighs!

Thick thighs save lives!

Or in the case, end them.

Oh my God, it's Jodie.

This is the first time she's called since the separation.

This is a chance to impress her.

How's it hangin', duder?

I'm blowing it, Gary. Think of something.

‐ Oh! Say hello!

‐ Har‐low.

Oh, thank God. MODOK, I need you.

‐ Gary, it's phone sex.

‐ The sex you're best at!

‐ It's not phone sex, MODOK.

Lou released a bunch of doves at his Bar Mitzvah rehearsal,

and now there's bird shit all over the bimah.

The Rabbi is furious.

‐ Nice. My turn.

I take off your bra using only my teeth.

And then my throat starts to close up.

I'm clearly allergic to something in the fabric.

I fumble at your panties, but it's too late.

I lose consciousness‐‐

‐ Oh my God, just get down here and help me.

‐ Lou, what the hell happened in there?

‐ One dove corrupted the others. It's not my fault!

‐ The Rabbi doesn't want you doing weird magic tricks at your Bar Mitzvah!

‐ But magic's sorta my whole deal.

I'm gonna pull rabbits out of yarmulkes,

yarmulkes out of rabbits.

And for my final trick:

I resurrect my foreskin...

from the dead!

‐ Aww, honey, we talked about this.

Your foreskin's in Hell.

‐ Where it belongs!

‐ And to celebrate my Mexican heritage, Mom,

I'll be a‐click‐clackin' around

in the heels from your quinceañera.

‐ I didn't have a quinceañera, and those aren't my shoes.

But if one or two of these ideas makes you happy‐‐

‐ Oh, I'm just warming up.

I want a loose hot dog bar with all the works,

which means nothing but loose hot dogs and the water.

I want my boysmaids to wear denim jumpsuits.

Oh, also I want boysmaids. And this is non‐negotiable:

I want Great‐Grandma Esther to do a reading

from my erotic poetry about the green M&M.

And those are just my safe ideas.

‐ InStyle magazine was gonna do

a feature on me planning this Bar Mitzvah.

Maybe I should just cancel it.

‐ I'm all over it, trust me.

The title for that article is gonna be:

"Normal Boy Has Normal Bar Mitzvah."

‐ Shh‐shh‐shh. You're gonna be a big bright star.

‐ Good luck.

‐ I usually only seamstress on the weekends,

but this is lovely‐‐ ‐ Shut up, Gary.

I'm trying to listen to my weird son.

‐ "Ninety percent of magic's in the flair."

David Copperfield said that.

"Ninety percent of magic's in the hair."

David Copperfield's hair‐plug guy said that.

Now look in your pocket.

‐ Did you put creamed corn in my pocket?

‐ A trick and a treat.

‐ Gary, go get more fire extinguishers while I tamp down my son's individuality.

‐ Yeah, I'm probably gonna go light something on fire.

‐ Hey, buddy, whatcha workin' on?

Got any more magic for your old pappy?

‐ Wow. To be honest, I thought you absolutely hated my magic.

‐ Seems like I pulled a magic trick on you then.

Let me see your magic gear.

‐ Oh my, I don't even have much today.

Just a barebones kit.

Magic hat. ‐ Of course.

‐ Wand. ‐ Classic.

‐ Backup wand. ‐ Smart.

‐ Deck of cards. ‐ Love it.

‐ 140 handkerchiefs. ‐ The best!

‐ Open can of corn. ‐ Necessary?

‐ Sword of mystery! ‐ Mysterious.

‐ And a photo of you guys. ‐ Aww.

‐ Because there's nothing more magical

than the love and support of a good family‐‐

My gear!

‐ No magic at your Bar Mitzvah!

But‐‐ ‐ Why can't you just be normal like‐‐

Normal like‐‐

‐ Argh!

‐ Normal like‐‐

Just no magic. That's final!

‐ If you think I'm afraid of getting dirty,

you clearly haven't read my letters to the green M&M!

Who threw away this perfectly good swirling vortex‐‐

Ahhh! ‐ No, no, no, no!

Last night at Hardee's, now this!

Can there be one day this week where I don't dive into a garbage can?

Don't worry, Lou. I'm coming!

‐ Ohh!

‐ Oh phew! Lou landed safely and softly.

And now for me as well‐‐

Eat your heart out, Kerri Strug and Sully Sullenberger.

There's a new lander in town.

‐ Who knew my Narnia was just a trashcan away?

Oh, it even has fairies!

Ah. He's wonderful!

‐ Gimme your sneakers!

‐ Stay there! I'm coming to get you!

‐ Uh‐oh. Company. I'll be back for those sneakers!

‐ Goodbye, fairy, I'll miss you!

Even the stabbing!

Hey! My magic stuff!

Ahh!

Dad! ‐ Kobold goblins!

Lou! No!

Ohh! Ah!

‐ Aw man, Skechers Step Ups?

That's a stab!

‐ Goat! Ahh!

Oh, it's one of those fainting goats!

Ugh, dang goat chewed my wires up!

I can fix this.

Oh, my back.

The one thing on my body I can't reach besides everything else.

Lou! My son!

I got twigs in my just‐threaded eyebrows for you?

Well, at least you're friendly.

Ahh!

I can't concentrate on goats right now.

I'm trying to figure out a way to get around.

Oh, hell yeah! In Asgard, goats can fly!

I said "goats can fly"!

Did I get the only non‐flying goats in Asgard?

Should I switch them out?

No, no, I can't spend all day switching goats.

Just gotta commit to these.

Dammit!

I'm so nervous for Lou,

I can barely eat this old slice of CPK pizza.

OMG, it's Lou's A. I. M. visitor badge.

We're on the right path, goats! That's right.

I refuse to name you because I'll probably eat you.

Goatye! Billy the Kid! Dammit, I love them now!

Oh crap, it's Jodie.

Hey, girl. Things are all good here.

Well, seems like a natural stopping point for us to hop off the phone. Bye‐‐

JODIE No, wait! I'm just calling to see how Lou's doing.

I know how important the Bar Mitzvah is to him,

and he's so fragile.

‐ Oh, he's fine. He's‐‐

Giant honking squirrel!

I'm sorry, what?

‐ Yeah, giant honking squirrel.

It's an expression.

It means "out of harm's way, totally safe."

You never heard that before? Wow, you're such a‐‐

Frost Giant!

Okay, now I'm a "Frost Giant"? What‐‐ what does that mean?

‐ Oh Jodie, you're showing your age.

It's another expression, of course.

The point is, Lou's totally safe.

He's as safe as an‐‐ Even bigger honking squirrel!

Well, now that I know that means he's safe,

I guess... good?

Thank you for handling this.

‐ Alright, seems like we're wrapping up , thank God.

Just know that everything's‐‐

b‐b‐b‐bodacious hunks!

Okay, so I just looked up "Frost Giant,"

and I have never done that to an ice cream sandwich!

‐ Once again I apologize

for how we all pointed swords at your horrible face.

‐ And I apologize for continually guessing your body fat percentage on the way over.

It's zero, right? You gotta tell me if I'm close.

‐ We're on the hunt for the sorcerer who murdered our General.

The only clue we have is the sorcerer's symbol.

Each carries the same marking as the loathsome death box,

the cause of our leader's demise.

‐ I've never seen that logo in my life.

It's‐‐ it's cool though, right?

I mean, it looks like it's by the same guy who did

the Baskin Robbins logo, so it couldn't have been cheap.

You know, they‐‐ they hide the number 31 in the Baskin Robbins logo.

You can see that, right? Have you ever seen that?

It's so cool! But that logo, I've never seen that one in my life.

‐ All I know is if we find him, verily we will clonk him up good.

‐ Uh‐huh. Well, if any of you beefcake beauties

want to join me on a quest,

I've gotta go mess up a bunch of Kobolds and rescue my son.

‐ Alas, we cannot.

We hast a thousand‐year peace with the Kobolds.

‐ Because they're harmonious, peace‐loving creatures

who would never hurt my boy?

‐ No! Those freakish ghouls are an important part of the ecosystem.

They devour unwanted children...

...allowing us to continue having unprotected sex

without consequences!

‐ Wow, hot‐‐ No, wait! Lou is unprotected!

And I made him with sex! I gotta go!

‐ Fare thee well, horny troll!

‐ Oh good, the trees are getting creepy.

Must be close to the Kobold city.

A road paved with human skulls?

Huh! A little much.

Lou!

Oh, thank God, it's not him.

These bones are way too calcium‐fortified to be my noodly son.

A weak child‐like whimper.

Now that's my embarrassing Lou!

‐ Now for the main attraction.

Everyone, please, please, please take a look.

There's nothing special about this dental floss, is there?

‐ We don't even know what dental floss is!

‐ And in a few short moments,

I will fuse these two dental flosses together

to make one dental floss!

‐ I can't follow any of this! I love it!

‐ It's like a one‐way Lady and the Tramp, folks.

Behold, a single floss!

Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you fill in for a beat, Krawleen?

Hey, Dad! You look hungry.

I can have someone bring you some Valhallapeño Poppers.

What do you want? An Asgarden Burger?

How about nachos, Thor‐style, where they smash 'em up with a hammer?

‐ Oh my God, my poor dear boy.

Look what they've done to you. Turned you into a fool.

‐ What? You mean my act?

I've been workshopping it for my Bar Mitzvah.

Now that you know that, do you think it's pretty cool?

‐ No! I don't understand it.

The last time I saw you, these things were going to eat you!

‐ Oh, they were saucin' me up, flavorin' me good.

I'm talkin' celery, onions, bell peppers,

the holy trinity of Cajun cuisine‐‐

‐ Just get to the part where they didn't eat you.

‐ I did that thing where I made one ball turn into two balls.

And look at me now! Full residency at the Catch A Rising Kobold Theater!

‐ I was so worried about you only to learn that you've become the jester

to some freaky‐ass goblin creatures?

‐ Actually, I'm doing really well.

I'm making more than Krawleen.

And she's Krawleen!

‐ No son of mine upstages Krawleen. We're leaving!

‐ But, Dad‐‐ ‐ Time to go home

and prepare for your traditional, non‐humiliating Bar Mitzvah.

‐ Why would I go home when I could stay here

where I don't have to hide who I am?

‐ That was you hiding who you are?

I'm constantly dealing with it! It's so in my face!

‐ Throw him out.

‐ I believe I had two goats!

These are them. Thanks.

I only had two!

I'm not keeping this goat‐‐ Goatis Redding. Dammit!

Ahh, you're in the gang, and I love you forever.

For my next trick,

I'll pull a guitar out of Krawleen.

‐ I can't protect Lou if he's stuck in that goblin city

guarded by those freaks.

I'll have to take him back by force.

Looks like the only way to save my son

is to go to war with him.

Well, I ate Goatis.

Anyway, hey, Asgardians!

Is this the sorcerer you're looking for?

The symbol!

‐ He leads the Kobolds!

‐ Then we go to war!

‐ For the normalcy of my son's Bar Mitzvah!

‐ For the what of the what?

‐ For a deeply personal conflict

that has nothing to do with you guys!

To my beautiful wife, Astrid.

The Great Bar Mitzvah Wars have dragged on for months.

Know that if this great war takes me,

I want you to... never move on.

I'm serious. If you do, I'll haunt you forever.

Life on the front lines is unforgiving.

The only thing that gives me hope are your letters

written in aged menstrual blood.

If I do not return, dear pungent Gremelina,

I know that I will miss every part of you.

Your scaly flesh, the stench of your rotting teeth,

the moles that line every inch of your mug‐shaped body.

But though we suffer,

none suffer more than our great leader

who carries the full weight of this war.

‐ Okay, Dad. I give up magic.

I like normal stuff now, like cars and toast.

Thanks, son. I accept your surrender.

Just kidding, I'm gonna kill all these stupid goblins.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

I'm the man now, dog!

How goes the battlefront, General Dagr?

‐ We have taken great losses. ‐ Oh. I hate hearing that.

Should I reflect that on the table? Why are we losing soldiers?

‐ You took their shields away and melted them down to make figurines.

‐ Well, we didn't take their swords, though.

Let's take their swords and melt those down

to make shields for the figurines.

I don't want to make the same mistake with the figurines

that I did with the soldiers.

‐ Lord, the other side hast offered

to meet and negotiate peace.

‐ Peace, you say?

I'm here for peace!

‐ So... this war sorta got out of hand,

and, uh, a lot of people sorta died.

‐ Wrong again. This war was always in hand, my hand.

And a lot of people definitely died.

And after this tank pops off,

a hell of a lot more people are going to die.

‐ As a peace offering, I brought you these flowers.

‐ Aah!

Yah!

‐ Go ahead, laugh at me!

Just like everyone always has!

That's right. Just go. Leave.

‐ Here, Dad, let me‐‐ ‐ Don't touch me!

‐ Use this.

‐ This is... this is exactly what I wanted to save you from.

‐ What?

‐ I didn't want you doing magic at your Bar Mitzvah

because... well, I didn't want you to feel humiliated.

On account of magic being lame?

‐ Disagree. Continue.

‐ I worry about you.

I worry about you being too much like me.

‐ I thought you wanted me to be more like you?

‐ What? No. People hate me.

I've been mocked all my life for being different.

I want you to be more like, I‐‐ I don't know... Tony Stark.

‐ Your greatest foe?

‐ People like him.

I want people to like you.

‐ Oh.

‐ One day, I'll conquer the world and create a utopia

where no one can ever hurt you, but until then

it's safer for you to like normal things like football or toast.

‐ You're always bringing up toast. I like toast.

‐ Yeah? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey! Kobold justice demands public execution,

giant head man!

Lou, call my lawyer, Irving Champlain.

If he doesn't save my life, it's freeee!

‐ You don't have to do this.

I can get you pewter figurines! You like pewter figurines?

I can give you all of mine. I have... 10.

That's every last one.

Oh, please don't kill me!

Alright, I have 6,000 figurines.

You can have them all. Just don't kill me!

My son needs me!

You gruesome son of a bitch,

you're gonna saw me in half?

Oh, you're gonna saw me in half.

‐ This man likes splitting our land in two.

Let's see how much he likes it when we split his body in two!

‐ Nooo!

‐ Murder!

‐ You're killing me, you jerk!

Oh, woe to be cut!

Oh, to be sliced!

Aww, you're cutting my stomach, and the food's coming out.

I'm getting hungry again!

‐ He speaks so much! Saw his face!

‐ This is where the saw is! I've already committed to the cut!

‐ And we've come to the spine, which you'll never get through!

Ah geez, you did it.

‐ Is he finally‐‐

‐ Ahh, the adrenaline's kickin' in now!

I could die for days!

‐ Dad. ‐ Alright, alright.

Here's the big moment!

Three, two, one.

Countdown to my death begins.

Ten, nine‐‐ ‐ He died!

He just died right then!

But wait! There's more!

‐ Holy shit! ‐ The legs are still kicking!

‐ We've become the monsters!

‐ You saved me! And it was so fun!

‐ You were a little hammy.

I mean, I can be hammy sometimes with the magic,

but you were moons over my hammy.

‐ Thank you! Now hug me, you‐‐

‐ Abra‐hug‐dad‐bra!

‐ So I learned that Lou's strong in his own way.

And I managed to save my figurines.

So it all worked out.

‐ MODOK, it sounds like there was a massive and senseless loss of life.

‐ Yeah, but I like magic now!

And I see my son in a different light. A positive one!

So he's gonna do whatever he wants

at his Bar Mitzvah whether you like it or not.

‐ MODOK‐‐ ‐ Fine, we'll diaper the doves.

‐ It's just that‐‐ ‐ Sew their buttholes shut?

You're a monster, but it's done.

‐ Look, everyone knows I like to have fun.

I'm the wacky Rabbi.

I wear yarmulkes with polka dots on them.

‐ Fine, you're fun. What are you getting at?

‐ I am worried about Lou's magic.

He's supposed to be becoming a man,

and I may be a silly Rabbi, but tricks are for kids.

‐ So you're saying the magic is‐‐

‐ Is a symptom of a larger problem.

Lou seems to be using it to push people away.

I think he's having a hard time with the divorce.

‐ You're saying ban magic? ‐ No.

‐ So it's magic ahoy, set sail for magic?

‐ There isn't a simple answer here.

All I know is your son is hurting.

And it's up to you to figure out how to help him.

‐ There he is! Coolest dad in the world!

My best friend!

So did you tell her what's what?

That we both want magic at my Bar Mitzvah?

‐ Lou, I‐‐

About that, let's just... talk about it later, okay?

Yeah, you and me both, goat.

You and me both.

‐ Well, this has been lovely, but I wanna go home.

‐ You have no home. ‐ Oh yes, I do.

You're so negative. Just like your older self.

‐ The family doesn't appreciate you.

‐ They're not that bad. We rib each other.

I mean, I don't rib them as much as they rib me.

I don't rib them at all actually.

I do get my little barbs in from time to time,

it's not like I don't‐‐ ‐ Shut up! I want to make you an offer.

‐ Is it for betrayal? I accept.

They don't love me. I have no home! Is this where we live now?

‐ Well, I was gonna offer you what they never have:

complete independence‐‐ ‐ It's fine, it's done.

What did you have in mind? I say poison them.

I know where their food is.

It's in the house.

‐ Oh, I have something much bigger in store for them.

Oh, you should put them in those coffins!

They'll turn into bones! This is going great!