Original subtitles

‐ And, of course, the thing my husband Melter was best at melting:

the hearts of everyone who‐‐

Excuse me.

‐ Oh. One second. Move!

Hey, is this the Melter funeral?

Newly made best friend comin' through!

Sorry, I'm‐‐ I'm late. Crazy morning.

Had to pick up the kids. Traffic. Oh, you know the deal.

Is this the section for the family?

Good. I want to sit in front of them.

Next time save me a seat, you chodes!

It's okay, they're my friends!

‐ As I was saying,

The Melter was so loving and‐‐

Oh, God.

‐ Sorry! My brain's part computer.

That happens whenever I get a Venmo.

I am not looking at your dead husband and thinking, "Jackpot!" Continue.

‐ Umm. A loving and thoughtful person‐‐

‐ Jackpot! Sorry, I just sold a sofa on Craigslist.

This is huge for me. Please continue.

Melissa, stop looking at your phone. You're embarrassing me!

‐ Why couldn't you just take us straight to school?

‐ I'm havin' a great time, Dad.

I can't wait for your funeral.

‐ There's a good attitude.

My husband had big dreams,

and though they never came true,

he never defeated his arch‐nemesis,

he never melted the Eiffel Tower,

he thought it was garish.

His legacy does live on in his family‐‐

‐ I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't realize you and The Melter were so close.

‐ I'm crying because what if I die?

‐ Is this literally the first time you've contemplated your own mortality?

‐ Yes! And I don't like it! You know what?

I do have something to add! ‐ Does anybody know who this guy is?

‐ Cry not! The Melter's death has reminded me that my time too is limited.

And if I am to avoid a legacy as feeble as his,

I can't be distracted by corporate mergers or my crumbling marriage.

The Melter will have a legacy!

As the hapless goon who inspired me,

MODOK, to get back to what matters most!

Taking over the world! I feel so alive!

‐ Papa do preach!

‐ Now let us bury one of our own

in the tradition of the villains of old.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

‐ If you need anything, anything at all...

go to Walmart.

They've got everything. The store is incredible.

Whoa!

Walmart just paid me for saying that!

That's insane!

This Jodify Method

for Life Straightening Contentment is incredible!

I've already organized my Chapsticks,

and I'm storing my socks in the vegetable crisper.

Oh, you've reached level seven!

This is your wife, right? The Jodie?

‐ What? No. Yes. I don't know! Get out of my way!

I just buried my best friend, and I need to harness

all the good energy I'm feeling.

Monica! I just came from the most rejuvenating funeral!

‐ Aw, who died? Was it your last shred of dignity?

‐ No! And not even your weird, over‐shaped eyebrows can ruin my mood.

For today is the day I get back to my roots.

Today is the day I kill Iron Man.

I've confirmed that Tony Stark is working from Stark Tower all day.

That gives me an eight‐hour window to get that old Black Hole Gun

out of the Armory and blast the entire tower into nothingness.

‐ Ugh! As much as I'd love to dedicate my day to ruining that plan,

I'm busy with my cybernetic manatee research.

I need to finish today before all my work "dies in manatee agony," so to speak.

‐ Hey, Austin!

I'm going to check the Black Hole Gun out of the Armory to kill Iron Man.

‐ That's rad stuff, man.

The Armory is part of the Operations Department now, so‐‐

‐ Ah, whatever! It's gun time!

‐ ‘Scuse me. Just gonna move past your body here.

‐ First I want to let you know the great news.

We're deeply troubled by your lab expenses!

‐ How is that "great news"?

‐ Huge electricity consumption, plasma of the month club,

and a ton spent on a manatee corpse removal service?

‐ I'll be honest. They don't fight very hard to live.

‐ We're gonna need a super‐fun exhaustive report

of what you've been spending 19 hours a day,

seven days a week, developing in there.

‐ That's gonna be a big ol' "hell no" for me!

Check the A. I. M. org chart. I don't report to anyone.

‐ Uh, more great news! The org chart has changed!

As our MODOK is about to learn.

‐ Jodification Step 17:

You're going to need way more bird feeders.

‐ Wha‐‐ She never let me have any bird feeders.

Dave. MODOK, your god‐king, demands one Black Hole Gun right now.

Ooh, I'd love to,

but first you need to get approval from Doris in Operations.

She basically runs this place!

‐ Doris? I wish!

I'm just Daphne, Doris' assistant.

‐ The guy in the other place said I need her to let me get the thing.

That's true, Mr. MODOK, but Doris won't approve anything

until you run it by Douglas in Legal.

My hands are tied until your budget gets rubber‐stamped

by Darrel in Accounting.

Accounting can't even look at your proposal

until you pitch it to the Senior Operations team:

Doris, Donald, Dillman, Louise with a silent D,

and D‐Louise with a big ol' loud D.

‐ I have to do a pitch?

‐ And according to this memo I just received,

your big pitch is in five minutes!

‐ Oh, my God!

Is he just going to stand there or‐‐

‐ Every one of us is born missing something.

Something important.

We couldn't begin to describe its shape or its weight.

But the hole it left behind is always there with us.

It's a hole so deep it cannot be filled.

Work, liquor, religion.

Love.

The hole swallows them all.

It's a black hole.

A supermassive collapse in the fabric of our souls.

There is nothing more powerful.

So why not use it?

Ladies and gentlemen, let us put that black hole into a gun

and have it torment someone else for a change.

In closing, I am going to blast that wet bitch Tony Stark

into a black hole.

Black Hole Gun, won't you come?

Won't you come?

I have to go. I'm cheating on my wife.

Impressive work, MODOK.

I'll be happy to approve your request,

just as soon as it gets sign‐off

from Grumbl West, Grumbl North, Grumbl restaurant division,

and Growl‐mbl, the Grumbl for dogs.

It should take about three months.

‐ This isn't fair!

I wanna kill Iron Man now!

Ugh! God, that burns.

I wanted lemonade.

‐ Huh? ‐ Oh, sorry about the force field.

I use it to keep out pests.

And total shitheads.

‐ Dope! Just came to give you some more great news.

I had the rockstars in HR check your file.

Turns out in your 10 years here, you've used none of your vacation days.

No rockstar's ever done that before, you rockstar!

‐ And? ‐ And starting tomorrow,

you have to use every single one of your vacation days.

Three whole months of fun in the sun.

All right, passengers,

time for everyone to fun‐gregate for lobsterritas

and some reggae‐themed improv.

‐ Please, no.

‐ Oh, sorry, Monica, this comes straight from Doris.

Ah, this is the worst!

‐ I guess if I skip lunch and don't sedate the manatees,

I should be able to get most of their skeletons out by end of day.

‐ B‐b‐b‐bonus news!

You don't get to do any of that

because all upper‐level employees

have a mandatory five‐hour workplace emotional safety seminar.

And if you have a problem with that, you can eat my ass...

is the kind of thing they'll teach you not to say at the seminar.

Byeeeeeee!

Hey, MODOK‐‐ ‐ Blow it out your web portal, dick.

‐ That'll be great for the seminar! Which you now have to go to.

‐ So what's your problem?

‐ I got no gun, I got no legacy.

Before you know it, I'll be a rotting corpse in the woods

that a bunch of kids find,

propelling them into adulthood and cementing their friendship forever.

‐ They're making me take a vacation.

‐ Good God. I would never make an employee do that.

Or let them.

Seriously, remember how it used to be around here?

Messy. Disorganized.

Hilarious worker deaths.

Science for science's sake.

‐ You can do this, Monica. You're gonna get the job.

You're gonna get to work with your hero.

What a song!

We'll be right back with more of our all‐'80s Friday

in this, the year 2009.

‐ Oh, what an interesting question!

I guess if I needed to take out a superhero,

I'd fold dark matter ions and channel them through a microscopic prism

to create a beam capable of destroying

even the most powerful threat they could throw at us.

‐ Great answer!

You're like the character House from the show House,

which is very popular in this, the year of our Lord 2009.

Anyway, let me be the first to say welcome aboard, Science Drone HB86‐‐

‐ I just want to say that I'm a big fan. Ha!

‐ Wow, you said that really fast.

Now suit up.

‘Cause we're taking on a hella sweet secret project today.

We're gonna kill an Avenger.

‐ Yes! I got it! I got my dream job.

‐ This is actually my office.

I'm not sure why I left. You leave.

‐ Okay!

You're right. This place was better before.

We're two of the most brilliant scientists on the planet.

Huh, one of us more brilliant than the other.

‐ Agreed.

Me?

‐ We can outsmart these corporate dillholes.

‐ Are you saying that we should begrudgingly work together

to achieve our overlapping goals?

‐ Yes. You'll get your gun to kill a beloved superhero‐‐

‐ Thus securing my legacy...

‐ Sure. And I won't have to take a vacation.

Team up?

‐ Team up.

Whoa, Monica, your veins are popping!

Why aren't mine doing that? Here, give me a minute.

Here they come.

Come on. You're embarrassing me.

‐ All the decisions made in A.I.M. eventually go through Doris in Operations.

If we can get to her computer, unseen,

you can hack into it, get immediate approval for your gun,

and erase all my vacation days.

‐ Vacation, all you ever didn't wanted.

But how do we get out of that mandatory workplace training?

‐ What if MODOK and Monica were there, but we weren't?

‐ Ah‐ha! Say no more!

Uh... Well, say way more.

These are silicone‐based humanoid body doubles.

I was going to use them for high‐level espionage

but could never quite crack it.

They can only be programmed to remember about 100 prerecorded words,

and after about two hours, they start to decompose.

Still, they should be enough to fool the morons around here.

‐ Monica, I wasn't paying attention,

and now there are two of you!

Are you a witch?

‐ I've already loaded mine up with a bunch of generic business talk.

You do the same.

I've gotta go Saran wrap some manatee genitals before they spoil.

‐ Or maybe this is the perfect chance

to try out some of the new catchphrases I've been working on.

Catchphrases!

‐ Ooh, that one's pretty good.

How do we address diversity

in a company where we're all required to wear masks?

Maybe we're already diverse?

On three, everyone yells out what race they are.

If that makes you uncomfortable, just say, “Uncomfortable.”

Okay? One, two, three.

Lithuanian. Uncomfortable.

Ah, MODOK, Monica. Thank‐‐

Yes, let's circle back on that later.

This big boy likes big, big burgers.

Now, that's a great share, MODOK.

Paging Doctor Horny!

‐ You really nailed it with these friggin' jigglin' jelly guys.

‐ Thanks. Doris is going into a teleconference now.

It's only scheduled to last about 30 minutes,

but we need to keep her in there for at least two hours.

‐ I actually had an idea for that.

Hey, everyone. This is Paul speaking,

over here with Michelle and Jada.

Hi. Hey, everybody.

And before we begin,

I just want to say how excited I am about this meeting.

Hi. Good afternoon, Paul.

You're on with Doris, Head of Operations.

And with me are Jose and Dillman.

Hi!

Can they hear us? I thought it said they were connected.

Um, we can hear you.

Can you hear us? Hi, Doris. Hi, Jose and Dillman.

Wonderful. So, about the fourth quarter‐‐

This is Michelle. Yes, we can hear you. Go ahead.

Yeah, I‐‐ Okay. I was saying the fourth quarter‐‐

Hi, Michelle. This is Jose.

Jose, shut up!

Seems like we have a delay happening here.

Hi, Jose. Okay, so I think we should‐‐

Doris, did you just tell me to shut up?

Uh, no, no. I was talking to Jose.

Hi! Jose here! I was supposed to shut up.

I think there's some kind of‐‐

I think there's a delay.

Hi, Jose! Sorry Doris told you to shut up!

I only told him that because‐‐ Shut up!

Um, okay, I assume that "shut up" was meant for Jada.

Anyways, I think maybe the best thing to do is‐‐

Sorry, that “shut up” was meant for Jada.

Shut up, Paul! Doris is talking!

Everybody, shut up!

I think we should try to reboot the server.

Don't tell Paul to shut up, Dillman! You shut up.

I heard you cheated on your wife.

I did! I think this is‐‐

Shut up! Shut up!

Wait, who's crying?

Hey, Doris. Hey, Paul.

Rodney here, calling in from Phoenix.

I'm also really excited about‐‐

Wait, I think there's a delay. Who is Rodney?

Michelle here, just saying this is hell and I want to die.

‐ I've done my share of torture, but this shit is evil.

‐ Yeah.

Now we gotta get Doris' secretary Daphne and the rest of her sector out of there.

‐ Daphne's the head of the party planning committee.

‐ I got it! We can have Gary pretend today is his birthday.

Oh, well, today is my birthday actually. See?

‐ Yes, Gary, way to sell it!

‐ Will people really show up for him?

He's Gary.

People love me. I'm Gary!

‐ It's the riskiest part of our plan,

but we're gonna have to roll the dice.

‐ So it's very important to give all of your kitchen utensils

first and last names.

Mandatory birthday in the break room!

I didn't have time to get a cake

so I'll be making birthday paste out of Sweet'N Low and old creamers.

‐ All right, hack time.

Her password must be something she looks at all day,

like "desk."

No, that's not working.

Maybe "desk1."

Nope. "desk2."

‐ Would you hurry up? ‐ Why? We've got plenty of time.

So long as nothing goes wrong.

Monica? MODOK? Are you okay?

Donkeytastic...

All right, seems like I should report these employee deaths to Doris.

Come on, everyone.

‐ Well, maybe her password is my birthday.

‐ Why would it be‐‐ Oh, wait, look, it's right there.

‐ Huh, what do you know? Okay, I'm in.

And that's when I realized

I didn't have to inherit my father's drinking problem.

Hi, Paul, Jose here.

That is such a breakthrough!

I don't think anyone can hear me, but it feels good to talk.

All right! The hell with this!

I'll be in my office!

Yeah, Dillman! Shut up! This is Rodney.

This is such a special day.

How did you guys know my favorite paste flavor was gray?

‐ It's a UNIX system. I know this.

Doris, two employees melted‐‐

Save it! I walk in the halls,

I piss in the stalls,

and I talk in my walls.

Which is what I call my office.

‐ Hurry, they're here!

We did it!

Now, let's go get that gun.

And like a whisper, we're gone.

Hold up, Monica.

Before we end our uneasy alliance,

I just want to say that I know we don't get along,

but just like a lot of my plans,

this one never would've worked without you.

Thanks for helping me secure my legacy.

Now, let's go send Tony Stark to rich guy hell!

What?

Two Monicas? Again?

Q3 Revenue...

I'll take that.

You know, MODOK, when Monica came to me

and told me how you singlehandedly hatched a plan to subvert company policy,

and steal Grumbl equipment,

I was like, “Nah way.”

But now it seems like the answer might be, tragically,

“Yes way.”

‐ Monica, you dare betray me? Why?

Holy crap! I wanted to kill an Avenger, but you took down one of the main ones.

If‐‐ If this were, say, a film franchise,

you would've just ruined it by killing a huge character.

I don't even need to say his or her name. We all know it.

Yes, peons, I, MODOK, have killed this incredibly essential Avenger!

Soak it in, my babies.

It's just better for everyone at A. I. M.

if they think MODOK did this.

Monica, how could you?

This was all your idea!

‐ "It's just better for everyone at A.I.M. if they think MODOK did this."

‐ What? Is that, like, a callback to something I said before?

‐ MODOK, I did this because you suck.

And A. I. M. sucks because of you.

You're a bad scientist, and if anyone remembers you,

it will only be as the piece of shit I stepped over

on my way to the top.

‐ We're throwin' down. Like right now.

‐ Bring it, bitch.

We got us a mad scientist fight.

‐ What's that little thing gonna‐‐

Oh, my God!

Gah! Deliver ice burst!

‐ You still can't use your mindblast.

My dang shoulder!

Why are they shrieking like that?

‐ 'Cause it's cool.

‐ Ow, my dang shoulder again.

‐ My choice is Robobra!

‐ Comando‐tee, I call on you!

‐ Aw, man! Unlikely animal friendship.

‐ Seems like they're not gonna...

‐ Yeah. ‐ So should we...

‐ Yeah.

‐ Give up?

‐ More like shiv up!

Oh, God!

‐ No, no. I'm not done with you yet.

‐ Ah! All the religions are wrong!

‐ Are you seeing this?

She is the key. Not him.

‐ I've got great news!

I'm getting better at delivering bad news.

You're demoted.

As for you, Monica, I'm impressed.

Never before have I seen an employee

with both the brawn of a bully and the cunning of a snitch,

which is why I'm making you our newest scientist supreme!

Now, who wants birthday paste?

I love the birthday paste.

‐ No...

‐ Finally.

What is this?

‐ I've got more great news.

‐ Oh, God, no.

‐ Grumbl loved those silicone‐based humanoid body doubles.

Marketing already has a ton of applications for these things.

Celebrity lookalikes, servants,

seat fillers for Marlins games.

We just have to figure out a way to keep people from having sex with them.

Ooh, that could be the first thing you work on.

‐ But my manatee super‐soldiers are‐‐

‐ Canceled!

Now, let's get all these distracting weapons off your plate

so you can spend 24/7, 365,

making soft, jiggle‐y bros for us to sell.

Or, as Marketing calls them, Jiggalos!

Remember, no one can have sex with them.

Namaste...

‐ Hey, Iron Man, come out and face me.

I'm gonna kill you.

With rocks!

I will have a legacy. I will not be forgotten.

I'm not dead yet, Stark.

I'm not dead yet.

‐ Whoa, come on, man. We're trying to have a work party,

and you're out here bumming everyone out talking about death and stuff.

Okay, MODOK, you seem like you're in a really tough place right now.

Have you heard of the Jodify Method?

I think it could really turn some things around for you.

Also, someone told me you called me a “wet bitch”?

What does that even mean?

‐ That's what it means, you wet bitch.

‐ Oh, my God! You're an actual clown.

‐ That was for you, Melter.

We did it, buddy. We did it.

Oh, sorry, uh... Was there something you wanted to keep here?

‐ “And, I suppose, A. I. M. was not the culture fit I thought it would be.

Please consider this my resignation and I ‐‐”

‐ Hey, Science Drone HB86. Great first day.

I'm sorry I had to take credit for your kill in front of everyone today.

That is such a 2009 thing to do.

And it is 2009, so I did it.

But that gun was badass.

Especially the rubber grip.

That's my favorite part. So easy to hold.

‐ Glad you liked it.

In fact, I had another idea.

I think, with enough time, I could make a gun capable of firing a mini black hole.

‐ Make whatever you want.

I'll fund it as long as you keep giving me dope‐ass ways to murder people.

No oversight. Oh, yeah, and I grabbed this for you.

‐ We've seized all her tech and found a way to keep her distracted.

Of course. My purpose is but to serve

Hexus the Living Corporation.