Original subtitles

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeeeah ♪

Okay, Kevin. Ready to hit the next one.

Taylor, baby!

OMG, Coolio! What are you doing here?

I'm recording down the hall. What you working on?

Still rerecording my old albums.

Now I'm hitting some demos. Really?

Yeah. They own all my demos, too.

Even songs about exes I never released.

Some of these were just too raw and painful at the time,

but I think now I'm ready.

Well, let's hear it then. Let's see what you got.

Sure. Let's do it.

Kevin, give me the Guy Fieri track.

You went out with Guy Fieri?

Yeah, I was so young back then.

I didn't know any better.

How old is Guy Fieri?

He's like your age.

Cool. Cool. Alright.

Hit me with another.

Kevin...Situation.

Okay. Wait, wait. OOkay.

So, you dated "The Situation" when he wasn't even famous.

You're not jealous, are you? Pbht! Nah.

I'm just learning so much about your type.

Because I love our friendship.

Totally. No doubt.

Okay.

Now this one's really personal.

I'll try to get through it.

Kevin, El Chapo, please.

Who?!

Wait, you dated the international drug lord

El Chapo.

I told you, I was a lot younger back then.

I didn't know what kind of a selfcentered jerk he was.

Kevin, let's get to Gritty.

Who's that?!

More of a what, actually.

♪♪

Oh, Mum, I can't believe we're in California

and still unable to find them.

You know it's Meghan

who won't let Harry give us their address.

I'm afraid all we can do is keep looking in the areas...

Meghan! ...where someone like Megan

would live. Meghan!

Excuse me, have you seen Megan?

Meghan Markle? No?

Pardon me.

Have you seen a woman of average looks

married to a devastatingly handsome ginger?

Hello. Do you know where Harry is being held?

Have you heard of a famous Black woman named Meghan.

You mean Megan Thee Stallion?

Ooh! She said it, not me.

We're not so naive as to think that you know Meghan

just because you're black,

but perhaps one of your friends knows her.

If we're quiet enough, perhaps we can hear her complaining.

Look, Mum, my Google inquiry

reveals that Megan played the luggage handler

on this television program "Deal or No Deal,"

which, I suspect, is where she developed her taste

for suitcases full of money that didn't rightfully belong to her.

Hello. Greetings, Mr. Mandel.

Random question. [ Horns honk in distance ]

Which way to Meghan? Do you mean Meghan Markle?

She doesn't live there.

Do you know where else we might find her?

We know not to bother checking

any of the wellregarded acting classes.

[ Groans ]

Do not fret, dear mother.

Tomorrow's another day. We shall find them.

Yo, what up? An intruder?

There's my girl!

We don't want any trouble.

Lay down your weapon,

and I shall crown you Duke of Westminster.

Relax, Charles. This is Yeezy.

He's a prominent figure in the States,

so I granted him a meeting.

Um, Your Majesty,

I want to offer my deepest condolences

on the untimely passing of your husband.

Sorry you dead, bro. Dead?

Look, you're newly single. I'm newly single.

We would be the ultimate power couple.

Good God, lad. This woman is in mourning.

Was in mourning.

That's what I'm talkin' about. Mother...

Charles, think of the public relations.

A torrid, mutually gratifying affair with Mr. West

would show the world that we don't see color.

Oh, dear. Think about it!

Imagine combining our brands.

The Queen plus Yeezy. Together, you get queasy.

Mumsie, you're not seriously considering

carrying on with this this rapper.

Bro! I apologize.

III shouldn't have assumed your profession was rapping.

What is it you do? I'm a rapper.

But I'm also a business genius,

a creative savant, a designer, an architect,

the Steve Jobs of Picassos...

a night manager at...

an amateur beekeeper, and most recently,

a world's greatest weekend dad!

Uh, Mumsie.

Oh, yes, impressive. Let's do this.

Ahhh, yeah! I will not allow it.

Beg your pardon? Who died and left you king?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Oh, Mother.

♪♪

We bringin' America and England back together,

just like they were before the Vietnam War.

Hmm. She on money, Oprah.

I could pay my alimony with this face.

What?

♪♪

Hello, Taylor.

What are you doing here, George?

We couldn't help overhearing your little diss tracks,

and we thought we were entitled to have our say.

Sorry. "We"?

Grichard, I thought we left things in a good place.

Don't let her suck you in, Gritty.

It's time to give her a taste of her own medicine.

♪ Ohhhhhh ♪

Sweet!

[ Ding! ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Bezos. Hey, Zuck.

How's it going? Bad.

Ad revenue's way down

'cause of all the privacy hysteria in this country.

It's a sickness.

When did everybody get so paranoid?

And, of course, Congress jumped on it.

What phonies?

They're the ones who don't respect privacy.

You know AOC bought an Amazon pet cam

to watch her dog when she's at work.

[ Scoffs ] Stay out of your pet's business.

Why is that so hard? Right.

And the Republicans are just as bad.

You know, Ted Cruz once hovered the cursor

over the like button for an antiSemitic video,

Didn't press like, but still...

You guys know when there's a hover.

Yeah. We do, too.

Hello, dudes. [ Laughs ]

Surprise! Damn it, Elon.

I've been listening to your whole conversation.

I just wanted to say I totally agree.

This privacy stuff is a big nothing burger.

Thank you!

People like Nancy Pelosi need to stop worrying about us

and start working on her own crumbling marriage.

What do you know, Elon?

Nancy's cheating on her husband.

We track her Tesla driving to a hot sheets notell motel

after work every day.

What motel?

[ Crickets chirping ]

♪♪

Shh.

That's her.

[ Car door opens, shuts ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Door creaks ]

♪♪

Voices, more than one.

Caught red handed.

Okay. Let's confront her.

Bust in there and tell that twotimer

to get off her high horse.

Don't you dare criticize our terms of service

when you service men in no uncertain terms.

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

What the... How did

How did you know? Jeff, you were in on this?

Everything that happened today was all to get you to this room.

Well, not just today.

All those stupid privacy hearings

we had in Congress last year...

Only had them to start setting this up, buddy.

So, everyone's been planning this for months

just to surprise me,

to make my birthday special?

That's right. Uhhuh.

Uhhuh.

I'm so I'm sorry.

I just I had no idea I was so...

so loved.

[ Chuckles ] Well, you are.

And not just in tech or Washington.

Hollywood loves you, too, Mark!

That goes double for the music industry.

Zuck rocks!

Here's to Zuck!

[ Indistinct conversations, laughter ]

Mark, Mark, over here.

Sacha Baron Cohen? Listen, man.

It sucks I couldn't be there in person,

but I wanted to apologize

for unfairly criticizing Facebook.

Yeah. What's up with that?

Well, [Sighs] it's a bit embarrassing to admit it,

but basically my shrink got me to realize

it's all rooted to jealousy towards you.

I mean, when you really boil it down

you're a genius who's shaping the future,

and I'm just a clown who does just silly accents.

Hey, Sacha,

you know what I think about you being so honest right now?

What?

Is nice!

[ Laughter ]

Good one, Mark.

♪♪

Get him, Nancy! Get him, Nancy!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

You know, if I were ever to have an affair,

not that I would,

I'd want it to be with someone smart,

handsome, and sexy

someone like you, Mark.

Well, it would be a shame to let

this $50anight motel room go to waste.

♪♪

Oh, Nancy.

[ Moaning ]

Great work, guys.

This Oculus game is really coming along nicely.

I was completely immersed.

What other games being made just for me are almost ready?

Uh...the one where you hunt Tim Cook

in postapocalyptic San Francisco

with the chain saw controller.

Oh, nice.

Okay. Get the hell out of here, guys.

I want to be alone so I can finish up with Nancy.

[ Moaning ]

What are you going to do to me with that scarf?

Alright. You got four more auditions for the wife.

This next one is a great actress.

She's won an Oscar, two Tonys, and an Emmy.

How old is she? 55.

Well, that's the same age as me.

Won't that confuse people?! What are we, twins?

We talked about making some changes

for this new show, right?

My name is Viola Davis.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, wow!

I'm Jeff.

A pleasure to meet you, Miss Davis.

I am auditioning for the role of Wife.

Yeah. And you've read the script.

Wonderful.

I see it as a woman

who has been sidelined her entire life,

finally finding her voice and taking a stand.

I thought it was brilliant

to simply name the character Wife

to symbolize the fact

that she has lost her sense of identity.

Well, we haven't really come up with a name,

but we we were gonna name her Marsha.

In this first scene, you are cooking dinner.

Kids need help with homework.

And Jeff, naturally, is watching the Cubs game.

And take it away.

Did you pick up the hamburger buns

for the barbecue tomorrow?

Your buns are the only ones I need, honey. [ Laughs ]

I doubt that.

Last time we tried to check your weight,

the screen on the bathroom scale

just said "ouch."

Okay. Um, let's see here.

I'm sorry. Uh...

Um, honey, it's a tie game.

After this, I'm all yours. Really?!

Can we plan our anniversary trip for February?

Or does that cut into your winter hibernation?

Yeah, well, I've got big plans for February.

For the last time,

taking a shower does not count

as a Valentine's Day present!

Okay.

♪♪

Well, that was a great start.

So why don't we jump to the part

where the attractive nanny that you hired just left

and Jeff clearly liked her.

And remember, you're just lightly teasing him.

You're just joking around.

Whenever you're ready.

Hey, she certainly seems very qualified.

Maybe next time the nanny comes,

try not to look at her ass

like it's an Italian sub!

Okay. That's That's not it.

I know you're not a perfect man, Jeff,

but all I've ever asked for is loyalty.

But I will never get that from you, will I?

I will always be invisible to you!

You're invisible,

unimportant little wife!

Are you even listening to me, Jeff?!

Are you listening?! Okay.

That's a real interesting way to go for it.

The script inspired me to improvise.

Once again, Viola,

these lines were not meant to be that serious.

You just a little annoyed with Jeff,

but he's ultimately your sweet, dopey husband,

and you love him. I see.

So, she has Stockholm Syndrome.

So, she can't even see how hopeless her life is.

Okay. Page eight.

Your first line is, "My niece got into college.

You remember college, right?

The best seven years of your life."

I am a husk of my former self!

No, no, no, no, no.

♪♪

[ Whispering ] Pfizer.

Pfizer.

Efficacy.

Efficacy.

Maaask.

Maaask.

Why don't we do just one more scene.

It's the last scene of the episode.

It's been a busy day,

and you finally have some time to relax.

Your line is, "Time for some me time,

which is what I call drinking an entire bottle of Chardonnay

and Googling photos of Ryan Gosling."

God. That is so devastating.

Okay, Viola.

Whenever you're ready.

Finally.

Time for some me time,

which is what I call...

drinking an entire bottle of Chardonnay

and Googling photos of Ryan Gosling.

Drinking to forget

and looking at the photos to escape.

Trapped within these four walls,

it's the only thing I can do.

Am I even a woman anymore?!

When you look at me,

do I even register as a human?!

Or do you just see right past me?!

Am I your wife?!

Or merely a shadow?!

Answer me, Jeff!

Look in my eyes!

Look at me! [ Glass shatters ]

You're right, okay?! You think this is easy for me?!

[ Sobbing ] Waking up every day,

knowing that I can't satisfy you,

knowing that when you look at me,

I'm one big joke.

Do you understand?

[ Sobbing ]

How do we got this way?! How?!

We used to be happy! We used to be in love!

And I'm not forgetting Cleveland!

You always throw that in my face.

How much longer will you punish me?!

Until I get back the part of me

that you took away!

When I don't look in the mirror anymore

and see your disappointment!

[ Door slams ]

Okay.

Well, I want to thank you

so very much for coming in, Viola.

Viola... Okay, Jeff.

Do you want to take a break before we continue?

No, we're done.

♪♪

So, big day on the podcast.

I'm glad you're here because it's time, right?

It's time to clear the air.

Don't you feel that?

III beg your pardon? I know you remember.

Okay. 35 years ago, maybe 40, whatever.

I was in London, and I went to tour

the Buckingham Palace thing.

I bought a punk rock Tshirt,

had your head and a and, like, a stripper's body.

Kind of You know, punk rock. King's Road.

Point being, I notice you two were looking out the window,

and you clearly saw me.

You saw the Tshirt.

There was a look,

and it's kind of stuck with me,

and I just wanted to apologize.

It's been sitting with me, and I just

I wanted to make sure that, you know, we're good.

AAre we are we good? Can Can we let it go?

[ Whispering ] Who is this man?

[ Whispering ] I don't know.

♪♪