Original subtitles

I'm Sam Rubin in Hollywood.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have taken their seats

for the opening day of their divorce trial.

And like all of Mr. West's work, he's been meticulously involved

in staging every single detail of the proceedings.

All rise for the Honorable Judge Kanye West.

This court is now in session.

The case of West vs. Kardashian West will now proceed.

Do both plaintiff have representation?

Yes, Your Honor. As a firstyear law student,

I will be representing myself. Mmhmm. And Mr. West,

I see that you have excellent representation.

Yes, Your Honor. I will be representing Mr. West.

And I'm representing ChiTown, Def Jam Island Records,

and the entire GOOD Music family.

One love, Lord above.

Represent! Represent!

May I see both attorneys for a brief sidebar?

I'm concerned this trial will be unfair and imbalanced

because Miss Kardashian West

is merely a firstyear law student,

while Kanye West is being represented by Kanye West,

who is, in my humble opinion,

the greatest divorce attorney in all of California

or perhaps who has ever lived.

Miss Kardashian West is not equipped

for the 10dimensional chess he's surely about to play.

She'll lose everything. I can do it, Sir Judge.

Lawyering is in my family. My dad defended O. J. Simpson,

and he was, like, totally guilty.

She's right about that. Kim's got lawyer in her blood.

Want to see?

My courtroom is equal justice for all.

So I assigned you the other best attorney in all of California.

I look forward to going toetotoe

with my formidable adversary. This is shaping up to be

the divorce proceeding of the millennium.

Let us return to the Yeezy Platinum Municipal Courthouse

for more. Please raise your right hand

and place your other hand on a copy of "808s & Heartbreaks,"

easily the most underrated and misunderstood album of all time.

Do you promise to tell the whole Kanye and nothing but the Kanye,

so help you, Kanye? Yeah, yeah.

♪♪

As a woman, your access to birth control is important,

but in many states across our country,

reproductive rights are under attack.

I'm Nancy Pelosi,

and I'm well known for reaching across the aisle

to flip off the nearest fat, white Republican piece of crap.

But I also know that sometimes the best way to break the system

is to work within it.

That's why I've collaborated with the pharmaceutical industry

to create a brandnew contraceptive

that's guaranteed never to be taken away by the government

because it's also a working handgun.

Ask your doctor about Revolve,

a fully functioning .9millimeter handgun

that uses real bullets

and comes with your daily recommended birth control

in a discreet compartment along the grip.

Revolve uses an FDAapproved legal loophole

to hide your reproductive rights inside the Second Amendment.

Technically, you're just buying a gun,

so there's zero regulation or government oversight.

You don't have to show I. D. or even give them your ZIP Code.

[ Gunshots ]

[ Gunfire ]

And I've developed some other products

that use the same concept to safeguard your civil rights,

such as the voter registration Uzi,

which comes with your very own voter I. D.

engraved in the chamber.

Finally, voter I. D. that's as easy to get as any old gun.

With legal challenges mounting everywhere,

there's finally a way to guarantee your civil rights.

So get Revolve,

available in both the pharmacy and firearms section

of your local Walmart. Oh, and for those women

who get hormonal imbalances from the pill, get Lil' Revolve,

the first IUD that's a functional gun.

♪♪

Welcome back to "AM Fairbanks!"

Looks like another cold one 14 degrees, but quite blustery,

with a windchill of negative 8. Charlie?

I'd just like to tell our viewers

how happy Matt and I are

to have wound up working here in Alaska,

because the air may be bitter cold,

but we've found the people to be so very, very warm.

That's right, and, my, what a long way we've come

from our last job briefly hosting a morning show

in Sarasota 4,700 miles.

To give you some idea of that distance,

it would be way too far for a Sarasota police detective

to travel here just to question someone

about a minor workplace romantic indiscretion.

Our first guest is an infectious disease expert

here to answer our questions about where we are now

with the coronavirus, Dr. Meredith Dowling.

First off, Doctor, there are still vaccine skeptics.

Maybe it'd reassure people

if you explain just how they work.

It's really quite groundbreaking.

The vaccine inserts RNA into a cell,

which tricks it into producing the spike protein,

which then triggers the immune system

to attack the COVID19 virus.

Incredible. So you're saying you've got this RNA

rubbing up against these cells

with no consent or approval from the target cell whatsoever.

Well, um

I think what Matt is curious about

is how the power dynamics alone are somewhat problematic.

It just seems like arbitrary standards here,

why this kind of unsolicited touching is okay

within the confines of a cell,

but not within the confines of an elevator or photocopy room.

You know what?

Let's focus on the positive here, Doctor.

When can we expect herd immunity?

Well, there actually is some good news there.

Alaska's rollout of the vaccine has been so efficient

that we could hit that mark as early as next month,

which means things could start going back to normal.

Won't normal be amazing? God, yes.

Back to the way things were before this yearlong nightmare.

Remember?

Back when you could go to a ball game

or visit old relatives. Shake someone's hand.

Pat a coworker's behind

or give her a spontaneous kiss on the lips

without worrying it might kill you.

It might kill you. Amen.

You can't do those last things. What do you mean?

You said things could go back to normal.

Right, but you cannot do that to an underling

or to any woman. Whoa.

You're giving off some very mixed messages here, Doctor.

I worry you might be confusing people.

Yeah, do these vaccines work, or do they not?

Yes, they are very effective.

Okay, then, so wouldn't we all be better served

by a simple, clear statement from experts like yourself

that anything goes again?

Yeah, instead of parsing and getting bogged down

in the minutia of what constitutes personal space,

pawing is okay, but groping is not?

If we keep adding these caveats and negative messaging,

people may wonder, why bother getting the vaccines at all?

Because, frankly, the shots hurt,

and life should be about pleasure and bodies feeling good

and making other bodies feel good.

Hey, you know what I've been dying to do?

Finally throw out some of this restrictive,

uncomfortable personal protective equipment.

Goodbye, masks. Yes, good riddance.

[ Cloth ripping ] And byebye underwear!

Don't need you no more.

Ah! I finally feel like a human being again.

Doctor, care to join? Huh.

Walked off the show without explanation or a goodbye.

Happens a lot.

Matt and I call it "a Fairbanks exit."

Seems this is still very much a frontier town

with frontier manners.

One of the many things about our new home

I'm sure we will somehow learn to love,

as we have no other options.

♪♪

This show is a hit. Don't believe the ratings.

100% of the country is watching the show right now,

but the networks are getting phony reports from Hugo Chavez

and the other socialists in Venezuela

who have learned to fix the results

to make it look like nobody is watching.

Network TV is rigged. [ Siren wailing ]

And whatever that smell is right now is not coming from me

because I'm completely corked and sealed with duct tape.

Nothing can sneak out.

So that smell is definitely not me.

[ Pounding on door ]

Oh! Gotta go.

All this month on "Jeopardy!"

brandnew guest hosts. Ted Cruz!

[ Ding ] Well, considering his support

for Planned Parenthood,

Stephen King has some nerve talking about murder.

[ Ding ] And as far as evil clowns,

I can only assume he means Barack Obama.

[ Ding ] Yes, Anita?

What is "It"? Beats me.

The guy says he's halfwhite, but where's the proof?

HHe lied about being born in Hawaii.

Where does it end?

[ Ding ] What is Pennywise?

Well, I'll tell you what isn't

the radicalleft Congress! Rachel Maddow!

[ Ding ] What is photosynthesis?

Yes, but that's only part of the story.

I'll take movie musicals The year is 3 billion BCE...

...a layered structure that lived Melania Trump!

[ Ding ] What is "Heart of Darkness"?

Why you ask me that?

I ask the question. You give answer.

Okay? Who is next?

"What is 'Heart of Darkness'?" is the answer.

I don't know what this "Heart of Darkness"

is the answer. You are contestant.

You supposed to know, not ask question.

No, what is "Heart of Darkness"

Okay, please. I just trying to be host.

Let's be best, okay? Here is question.

[ Ding ] What is "A Christmas Carol"?

Now you are asking me about [bleep] Christmas?

Because everybody laugh ha, ha, ha! when I say this?

Okay. We skip to next.

[ Ding ] Who is Michelangelo?

I know who is Michelangelo!

You think because I don't know I am stupid?

No, not at all. Michelangelo!

He is painter and turtle, okay?

I speak six languages! Um...

Yeah, okay. I'm sorry.

I give you one more chance.

[ Ding ] What is Colorado?

It's a state! Okay? See, I answer.

I knew that one, Mr. Wise Guy.

[ Knocking ]

Yes? Hi! Mitch McConnell?

Are you ready to answer 73 questions?

What? No. What is this?

We're from "Vogue." Can I come in?

No, you can't. You're just like the rest.

They all think they'll find a way around me, but

Oh, now, just a minute! We'll start off easy.

Paper or plastic? Uh, plastic.

Are we done? Crunchy or creamy?

I see no reason to discuss my underwear at this time.

No, sir. In terms of peanut butter.

Crunchy or creamy? Oh, this is just nonsense.

Whatever my wife, Elaine, likes. Oh, is Elaine here?

No! Nyet!

[ Both speaking Russian ]

Oh, my gosh. Former Secretary Chao.

No! No, no, no, no. Oh, come on. Please?

Oh, let me talk No, she's away.

Whoa. What's going on in there?

Uh, nothing. They're playing Monopoly.

Were those Russians funneling money through Elaine?

Eh, eh, eh, crunchy! I like crunchy peanut butter.

Oh, hey, was this a valentine for Elaine?

No, actually,

I had congressional voting district drawn up.

That way I get a Republican majority.

An asteroid is about to hit the planet.

What should we do? Be inappropriate to do anything

with the presidential election right around the corner in 2024.

Let's let the American people decide. Hey, what's this?

When you block 10 health care bills,

Blue Cross rewards you a free healthy kidney.

Mine are still working, so I ate the first few

and put this out for display.

Favorite Bible passage? "Though I walk through the

valley of the shadow of death,

Delta Airlines should shut their stupid mouth."

What's over here? Is this your man cave?

No, no! You can't go in there.

Whoa! Are you growing federal judges?

No. Don't be ridiculous. It's a man cave, like you said.

We're just chilling in the dirt like bros.

Let's talk about the Supreme Court.

Oh, no, you don't! Not in here.

I will not have you pollinating them with your liberal claptrap.

Oh, come on, Mitch. No.

Please? No. Go.

Should Supreme Court nominees

be confirmed in an election year?

Of course not. But should they?

Yes, of course. Beatles or the Stones?

Beetles have lots of protein,

though small stones are good for digestion.

I'm sorry. I meant the bands.

You eat beetles and stones?

No, of course not, but others do.

You mean lizards or turtles. How should I know?

Early bird or night owl?

I'm not a foodie. Both are extra nutritious.

What is something that recently moved you?

I was crossing the road the other day,

and a young lady stopped her car

and moved me to the other side. Favorite Avenger?

Uh, the Black one. Falcon?

Where?! [ Thud ] Oh, my God.

Mitch, Mitch, are you okay?

That was quite a fall there, Mitch. [ Grunts ]

Sir, I've heated your lounging rock.

Oh, you have guests. Shall I fetch some more lettuce?

Well, he was just leaving. Not staying for misting time?

That's not for me, dummy!

It's for my pet tortoise. Pet?

Is that what we're calling Sheila now?

I'm sorry. Is Sheila your secret tortoise wife?

Well, that's crazy.

Who would even perform such a ceremony?

She's merely a she tortoise I met on the Internet.

[ Tortoise growling ]

Moving on. Next question.

At what do you think you'll retire?

Sometime in my 130s. That's old. Not if you're a t

Young at heart.

[ Tortoise growling ]

YYou be quiet!

[ Munching ]

♪♪

Now, Mr. West, for the benefit of the court,

please describe what you are wearing

fabric, cut, style, influence. Leave nothing out.

Objection, Your Honor.

This is a waste of the court's time.

Certainly, we all can agree Yeezy does not need publicity

because of his universally recognized quality,

originality, and style. Overruled.

We now rejoin the divorce trial

of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian,

America's numberone television event.

Miss Kardashian is suing West for full custody

of their meltdowns and their beef with Taylor Swift.

Kanye West's attorney, Kanye West,

is questioning his witness.

Would you agree that your husband brought

the Taylor Swift beef into the marriage?

Well, I met Taylor before he did, but

Answer the question! Yes! Gosh.

This past July, when your husband was busy

running for president for two days,

you were out until 4:00 in the morning each night.

Were you not? I needed to unwind, okay,

from the stress of my marriage and all of the crazy tweets.

And who was watching the beef? So nobody was watching the beef?

Objection! Question is too good.

Sustained. Watch yourself, Counselor.

Your Honor, I know women like to think

that they could do it all,

but you can either be a great mother or have a great beef.

You simply can't do both. I have to agree with counsel.

The Taylor Swift beef thrived under Kanye West's guardianship

while many of my clients' beef suffer from neglect

and media indifference.

The Lindsay Lohan beef it barely lived three months.

Exactly our point!

And maybe Miss Kardashian can tell us

about the beef with Demi Lovato? No! Sorry, not sorry.

You left that beef alone in a hot car, didn't you?

[ Gavel bangs ] I've seen enough.

It's obvious we have two people in this courtroom who,

despite their differences, are clearly in love.

Isn't there some way you two

can come to your senses and work it out?

Thank you, Your Honor.

Why was I ever mad at this person?

I love this person. I always have.

[ Romantic music playing ]

♪♪

Your Honor, do you also perform marriages?

For you, anything. I'll cut the cake.

♪♪

America doesn't take care of its working people.

I have a woman who does our laundry.

I hear you. A washer woman. Uh, not pleasant work.

No. She gets up every morning, crack of dawn,

kisses her babies goodbye,

catches the M bus to the D bus to the number 3,

arrives at our home just as we're waking up.

Uh, no lemon.

Anyway, she's working all night in her brother's garage,

trying to earn enough scratch to bring them here to America.

Mm. Sounds like she just needs a chunk of scratch.

Where there's none to be found.

But her eternal hope is the fuel

that burns inside all of us.

It's more than just a burning, though.

It's a yearning and a mearning.

A what? It's a mearning.

Yeah, a mearning.

And every day I draw inspiration from her mearning.

Amazing lady. Yeah.

Reminds me of Gerard, the kid who cleans our pool

up on Martha's Vineyard. Mm.

Works six jobs. Can you believe it?

His mother can't work

some kind of disability or something.

But there he is each morning,

skimming the dead frogs out of our pool.

Wow. The kid needs more money.

Scratch. That's right. Scratch.

And it breaks my heart. Yeah.

Do you realize the minimum wage on the Vineyard

is only $9 an hour?

How's he supposed to live on that?

I wish I could pay him more,

but the Republicans just won't make me.

Makes you feel helpless, don't it?

Can you give me his number?

Maybe he gives me just enough backstory

so I can write a song about him.

Ah, that would help. That would help.

♪♪

Marjorie Taylor Green!

[ Ding ] Who is Ferdinand Marcos?

No. Sorry. The answer is, again, the Jews.

Yes, that's what it says on the card.

No, you can't see it.

Get away from me. Don't touch me. Help! Heeeeeeelp!

Alec Baldwin!

[ Ding ]

What is "pahk your cah"? You think you're funny?

You think I didn't see people around me

when I punched a guy for taking my parking spot?

You might want to be careful who you antagonize, friendo.

I didn't. I just Come on, keep it moving.

Can I get fake Spanish names for $400?

Let's go! Now! I'll kill you.

I'll rip your head off and let Hilaria

give birth down your neck!

But I'm just picking categories.

Well, you better pick another.

Uh... Pick one!

Um, uh, thoughtless farm animals for $200?

That's my [bleep] daughter you're calling out.

Only I do that. I didn't write these!

Rob Gronkowski!

Okay, Jeremy, your Final Jeopardy! answer was...

a bunch of squiggly lines. And according to this,

the correct answer is also squiggly lines.

You got it right, and you wagered... an egg?

You can bet eggs? Can I have it?

Mmm.

This is "Jeopardy!"

Mr. President? Yeah. What is it?

You have an important phone call. Who are you?

Bernadine. Who?

I've been getting you drinks. I help you with the paperwork.

Now, this ought to be interesting, Bruce.

Did you know there are still laws on the books

that allow interns to not get paid?

Memory serves, we fought a civil war

over that one there particular issue.

Mmhmm, but go tell that to Mitch McConnell.

That man does not care.

Yeah, on TV shows, they have to pay interns now.

But because this is a podcast,

Bernadine can do anything I tell her for no money.

Our labor laws are so messed up that she can't even stop me

from making her use a bucket instead of a bathroom.

Hmm. It's a loophole.

What kind of country makes an unpaid intern go in a bucket?

But that's what my unpaid interns do up on the Vineyard.

They go right in a bucket.

Wow. Why haven't those fat cats

done something to protect these people?

Mmhmm. I mean, it just ain't right.

People need protection. Mmhmm.

♪♪