All language subtitles for Lets.Be.Real.S01E02_English

I'm Sam Rubin in Hollywood.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
have taken their seats

for the opening day
of their divorce trial.

And like all of Mr. West's work,
he's been meticulously involved

in staging every single detail
of the proceedings.

All rise for
the Honorable Judge Kanye West.

This court is now in session.

The case of West vs.
Kardashian West will now proceed.

Do both plaintiff
have representation?

Yes, Your Honor.
As a firstyear law student,

I will be representing myself.
Mmhmm. And Mr. West,

I see that you have
excellent representation.

Yes, Your Honor.
I will be representing Mr. West.

And I'm representing ChiTown,
Def Jam Island Records,

and the entire
GOOD Music family.

One love, Lord above.

Represent!
Represent!

May I see both attorneys
for a brief sidebar?

I'm concerned this trial
will be unfair and imbalanced

because Miss Kardashian West

is merely a firstyear
law student,

while Kanye West is being
represented by Kanye West,

who is, in my humble opinion,

the greatest divorce attorney
in all of California

or perhaps who has ever lived.

Miss Kardashian West
is not equipped

for the 10dimensional chess
he's surely about to play.

She'll lose everything.
I can do it, Sir Judge.

Lawyering is in my family.
My dad defended O. J. Simpson,

and he was, like,
totally guilty.

She's right about that.
Kim's got lawyer in her blood.

Want to see?

My courtroom is equal justice
for all.

So I assigned you the other best
attorney in all of California.

I look forward to going
toetotoe

with my formidable adversary.
This is shaping up to be

the divorce proceeding
of the millennium.

Let us return to the Yeezy
Platinum Municipal Courthouse

for more.
Please raise your right hand

and place your other hand on
a copy of "808s & Heartbreaks,"

easily the most underrated and
misunderstood album of all time.

Do you promise to tell the whole
Kanye and nothing but the Kanye,

so help you, Kanye? Yeah, yeah.

♪♪

As a woman, your access
to birth control is important,

but in many states
across our country,

reproductive rights
are under attack.

I'm Nancy Pelosi,

and I'm well known
for reaching across the aisle

to flip off the nearest fat,
white Republican piece of crap.

But I also know that sometimes
the best way to break the system

is to work within it.

That's why I've collaborated
with the pharmaceutical industry

to create a brandnew
contraceptive

that's guaranteed never to be
taken away by the government

because it's also
a working handgun.

Ask your doctor about Revolve,

a fully functioning
.9millimeter handgun

that uses real bullets

and comes with your daily
recommended birth control

in a discreet compartment
along the grip.

Revolve uses an FDAapproved
legal loophole

to hide your reproductive rights
inside the Second Amendment.

Technically,
you're just buying a gun,

so there's zero regulation
or government oversight.

You don't have to show I. D.
or even give them your ZIP Code.

[ Gunshots ]

[ Gunfire ]

And I've developed
some other products

that use the same concept
to safeguard your civil rights,

such as
the voter registration Uzi,

which comes with
your very own voter I. D.

engraved in the chamber.

Finally, voter I. D. that's
as easy to get as any old gun.

With legal challenges
mounting everywhere,

there's finally a way
to guarantee your civil rights.

So get Revolve,

available in both the pharmacy
and firearms section

of your local Walmart.
Oh, and for those women

who get hormonal imbalances
from the pill, get Lil' Revolve,

the first IUD
that's a functional gun.

♪♪

Welcome back to "AM Fairbanks!"

Looks like another cold one
14 degrees, but quite blustery,

with a windchill of negative 8.
Charlie?

I'd just like to tell
our viewers

how happy Matt and I are

to have wound up
working here in Alaska,

because the air
may be bitter cold,

but we've found the people
to be so very, very warm.

That's right, and, my,
what a long way we've come

from our last job briefly
hosting a morning show

in Sarasota 4,700 miles.

To give you some idea
of that distance,

it would be way too far
for a Sarasota police detective

to travel here
just to question someone

about a minor workplace
romantic indiscretion.

Our first guest is
an infectious disease expert

here to answer our questions
about where we are now

with the coronavirus,
Dr. Meredith Dowling.

First off, Doctor, there are
still vaccine skeptics.

Maybe it'd reassure people

if you explain
just how they work.

It's really
quite groundbreaking.

The vaccine inserts RNA
into a cell,

which tricks it into producing
the spike protein,

which then triggers
the immune system

to attack the COVID19 virus.

Incredible. So you're saying
you've got this RNA

rubbing up against these cells

with no consent or approval
from the target cell whatsoever.

Well, um

I think what Matt
is curious about

is how the power dynamics alone
are somewhat problematic.

It just seems like
arbitrary standards here,

why this kind of unsolicited
touching is okay

within the confines of a cell,

but not within the confines
of an elevator or photocopy room.

You know what?

Let's focus on
the positive here, Doctor.

When can we expect
herd immunity?

Well, there actually is
some good news there.

Alaska's rollout of the vaccine
has been so efficient

that we could hit that mark
as early as next month,

which means things could start
going back to normal.

Won't normal be amazing?
God, yes.

Back to the way things were
before this yearlong nightmare.

Remember?

Back when you could go
to a ball game

or visit old relatives.
Shake someone's hand.

Pat a coworker's behind

or give her a spontaneous
kiss on the lips

without worrying
it might kill you.

It might kill you.
Amen.

You can't do those last things.
What do you mean?

You said things could
go back to normal.

Right, but you cannot do that
to an underling

or to any woman.
Whoa.

You're giving off some very
mixed messages here, Doctor.

I worry you might be
confusing people.

Yeah, do these vaccines work,
or do they not?

Yes, they are very effective.

Okay, then, so wouldn't we all
be better served

by a simple, clear statement
from experts like yourself

that anything goes again?

Yeah, instead of parsing
and getting bogged down

in the minutia of what
constitutes personal space,

pawing is okay,
but groping is not?

If we keep adding these caveats
and negative messaging,

people may wonder, why bother
getting the vaccines at all?

Because, frankly,
the shots hurt,

and life should be about
pleasure and bodies feeling good

and making other bodies
feel good.

Hey, you know what
I've been dying to do?

Finally throw out
some of this restrictive,

uncomfortable personal
protective equipment.

Goodbye, masks.
Yes, good riddance.

[ Cloth ripping ]
And byebye underwear!

Don't need you no more.

Ah! I finally feel like
a human being again.

Doctor, care to join? Huh.

Walked off the show without
explanation or a goodbye.

Happens a lot.

Matt and I call it
"a Fairbanks exit."

Seems this is still very much
a frontier town

with frontier manners.

One of the many things
about our new home

I'm sure we will
somehow learn to love,

as we have no other options.

♪♪

This show is a hit.
Don't believe the ratings.

100% of the country
is watching the show right now,

but the networks are getting
phony reports from Hugo Chavez

and the other socialists
in Venezuela

who have learned to fix
the results

to make it look like
nobody is watching.

Network TV is rigged.
[ Siren wailing ]

And whatever that smell is
right now is not coming from me

because I'm completely corked
and sealed with duct tape.

Nothing can sneak out.

So that smell
is definitely not me.

[ Pounding on door ]

Oh! Gotta go.

All this month
on "Jeopardy!"

brandnew guest hosts. Ted Cruz!

[ Ding ]
Well, considering his support

for Planned Parenthood,

Stephen King has some nerve
talking about murder.

[ Ding ]
And as far as evil clowns,

I can only assume
he means Barack Obama.

[ Ding ]
Yes, Anita?

What is "It"?
Beats me.

The guy says he's halfwhite,
but where's the proof?

HHe lied about
being born in Hawaii.

Where does it end?

[ Ding ]
What is Pennywise?

Well, I'll tell you
what isn't

the radicalleft Congress!
Rachel Maddow!

[ Ding ]
What is photosynthesis?

Yes, but that's only
part of the story.

I'll take movie musicals
The year is 3 billion BCE...

...a layered structure that
lived Melania Trump!

[ Ding ]
What is "Heart of Darkness"?

Why you ask me that?

I ask the question.
You give answer.

Okay? Who is next?

"What is 'Heart of Darkness'?"
is the answer.

I don't know what this
"Heart of Darkness"

is the answer.
You are contestant.

You supposed to know,
not ask question.

No, what is
"Heart of Darkness"

Okay, please.
I just trying to be host.

Let's be best, okay?
Here is question.

[ Ding ]
What is "A Christmas Carol"?

Now you are asking me
about [bleep] Christmas?

Because everybody laugh
ha, ha, ha! when I say this?

Okay. We skip to next.

[ Ding ]
Who is Michelangelo?

I know who is Michelangelo!

You think because I don't know
I am stupid?

No, not at all.
Michelangelo!

He is painter and turtle, okay?

I speak six languages!
Um...

Yeah, okay.
I'm sorry.

I give you one more chance.

[ Ding ]
What is Colorado?

It's a state! Okay?
See, I answer.

I knew that one, Mr. Wise Guy.

[ Knocking ]

Yes? Hi! Mitch McConnell?

Are you ready
to answer 73 questions?

What? No. What is this?

We're from "Vogue."
Can I come in?

No, you can't.
You're just like the rest.

They all think they'll find
a way around me, but

Oh, now, just a minute!
We'll start off easy.

Paper or plastic?
Uh, plastic.

Are we done?
Crunchy or creamy?

I see no reason to discuss
my underwear at this time.

No, sir.
In terms of peanut butter.

Crunchy or creamy?
Oh, this is just nonsense.

Whatever my wife, Elaine, likes.
Oh, is Elaine here?

No!
Nyet!

[ Both speaking Russian ]

Oh, my gosh.
Former Secretary Chao.

No! No, no, no, no.
Oh, come on. Please?

Oh, let me talk
No, she's away.

Whoa.
What's going on in there?

Uh, nothing.
They're playing Monopoly.

Were those Russians
funneling money through Elaine?

Eh, eh, eh, crunchy!
I like crunchy peanut butter.

Oh, hey, was this
a valentine for Elaine?

No, actually,

I had congressional
voting district drawn up.

That way I get
a Republican majority.

An asteroid is about
to hit the planet.

What should we do?
Be inappropriate to do anything

with the presidential election
right around the corner in 2024.

Let's let the American people
decide. Hey, what's this?

When you block
10 health care bills,

Blue Cross rewards you
a free healthy kidney.

Mine are still working,
so I ate the first few

and put this out for display.

Favorite Bible passage?
"Though I walk through the

valley of the shadow of death,

Delta Airlines
should shut their stupid mouth."

What's over here?
Is this your man cave?

No, no!
You can't go in there.

Whoa!
Are you growing federal judges?

No. Don't be ridiculous.
It's a man cave, like you said.

We're just chilling
in the dirt like bros.

Let's talk about
the Supreme Court.

Oh, no, you don't!
Not in here.

I will not have you pollinating
them with your liberal claptrap.

Oh, come on, Mitch.
No.

Please?
No. Go.

Should Supreme Court nominees

be confirmed
in an election year?

Of course not.
But should they?

Yes, of course.
Beatles or the Stones?

Beetles have lots of protein,

though small stones are good
for digestion.

I'm sorry.
I meant the bands.

You eat beetles and stones?

No, of course not,
but others do.

You mean lizards or turtles.
How should I know?

Early bird or night owl?

I'm not a foodie.
Both are extra nutritious.

What is something
that recently moved you?

I was crossing the road
the other day,

and a young lady
stopped her car

and moved me to the other side.
Favorite Avenger?

Uh, the Black one.
Falcon?

Where?!
[ Thud ] Oh, my God.

Mitch, Mitch, are you okay?

That was quite a fall there,
Mitch. [ Grunts ]

Sir, I've heated
your lounging rock.

Oh, you have guests.
Shall I fetch some more lettuce?

Well, he was just leaving.
Not staying for misting time?

That's not for me, dummy!

It's for my pet tortoise.
Pet?

Is that what we're calling
Sheila now?

I'm sorry. Is Sheila
your secret tortoise wife?

Well, that's crazy.

Who would even perform
such a ceremony?

She's merely a she tortoise
I met on the Internet.

[ Tortoise growling ]

Moving on. Next question.

At what do you think
you'll retire?

Sometime in my 130s.
That's old. Not if you're a t

Young at heart.

[ Tortoise growling ]

YYou be quiet!

[ Munching ]

♪♪

Now, Mr. West,
for the benefit of the court,

please describe
what you are wearing

fabric, cut, style, influence.
Leave nothing out.

Objection, Your Honor.

This is a waste
of the court's time.

Certainly, we all can agree
Yeezy does not need publicity

because of his universally
recognized quality,

originality, and style.
Overruled.

We now rejoin the divorce trial

of Kanye West
and Kim Kardashian,

America's numberone
television event.

Miss Kardashian is suing West
for full custody

of their meltdowns and their
beef with Taylor Swift.

Kanye West's attorney,
Kanye West,

is questioning his witness.

Would you agree that
your husband brought

the Taylor Swift beef
into the marriage?

Well, I met Taylor
before he did, but

Answer the question! Yes! Gosh.

This past July,
when your husband was busy

running for president
for two days,

you were out until 4:00
in the morning each night.

Were you not?
I needed to unwind, okay,

from the stress of my marriage
and all of the crazy tweets.

And who was watching the beef?
So nobody was watching the beef?

Objection!
Question is too good.

Sustained.
Watch yourself, Counselor.

Your Honor,
I know women like to think

that they could do it all,

but you can either be a great
mother or have a great beef.

You simply can't do both.
I have to agree with counsel.

The Taylor Swift beef thrived
under Kanye West's guardianship

while many of my clients' beef
suffer from neglect

and media indifference.

The Lindsay Lohan beef
it barely lived three months.

Exactly our point!

And maybe Miss Kardashian
can tell us

about the beef with Demi Lovato?
No! Sorry, not sorry.

You left that beef alone
in a hot car, didn't you?

[ Gavel bangs ]
I've seen enough.

It's obvious we have two people
in this courtroom who,

despite their differences,
are clearly in love.

Isn't there some way you two

can come to your senses
and work it out?

Thank you, Your Honor.

Why was I ever mad
at this person?

I love this person.
I always have.

[ Romantic music playing ]

♪♪

Your Honor, do you also
perform marriages?

For you, anything.
I'll cut the cake.

♪♪

America doesn't take care
of its working people.

I have a woman
who does our laundry.

I hear you. A washer woman.
Uh, not pleasant work.

No. She gets up every morning,
crack of dawn,

kisses her babies goodbye,

catches the M bus to the D bus
to the number 3,

arrives at our home
just as we're waking up.

Uh, no lemon.

Anyway, she's working all night
in her brother's garage,

trying to earn enough scratch
to bring them here to America.

Mm. Sounds like she just needs
a chunk of scratch.

Where there's none to be found.

But her eternal hope
is the fuel

that burns inside all of us.

It's more than just a burning,
though.

It's a yearning and a mearning.

A what?
It's a mearning.

Yeah, a mearning.

And every day I draw inspiration
from her mearning.

Amazing lady.
Yeah.

Reminds me of Gerard,
the kid who cleans our pool

up on Martha's Vineyard.
Mm.

Works six jobs.
Can you believe it?

His mother can't work

some kind of disability
or something.

But there he is each morning,

skimming the dead frogs
out of our pool.

Wow.
The kid needs more money.

Scratch.
That's right. Scratch.

And it breaks my heart.
Yeah.

Do you realize the minimum wage
on the Vineyard

is only $9 an hour?

How's he supposed
to live on that?

I wish I could pay him more,

but the Republicans
just won't make me.

Makes you feel helpless,
don't it?

Can you give me his number?

Maybe he gives me
just enough backstory

so I can write a song about him.

Ah, that would help.
That would help.

♪♪

Marjorie Taylor Green!

[ Ding ]
Who is Ferdinand Marcos?

No. Sorry.
The answer is, again, the Jews.

Yes, that's what
it says on the card.

No, you can't see it.

Get away from me.
Don't touch me. Help! Heeeeeeelp!

Alec Baldwin!

[ Ding ]

What is "pahk your cah"?
You think you're funny?

You think I didn't
see people around me

when I punched a guy
for taking my parking spot?

You might want to be careful
who you antagonize, friendo.

I didn't. I just
Come on, keep it moving.

Can I get fake Spanish names
for $400?

Let's go! Now!
I'll kill you.

I'll rip your head off
and let Hilaria

give birth down your neck!

But I'm just picking
categories.

Well, you better pick another.

Uh...
Pick one!

Um, uh, thoughtless
farm animals for $200?

That's my [bleep] daughter
you're calling out.

Only I do that.
I didn't write these!

Rob Gronkowski!

Okay, Jeremy, your
Final Jeopardy! answer was...

a bunch of squiggly lines.
And according to this,

the correct answer is
also squiggly lines.

You got it right,
and you wagered... an egg?

You can bet eggs? Can I have it?

Mmm.

This is "Jeopardy!"

Mr. President?
Yeah. What is it?

You have an important
phone call. Who are you?

Bernadine.
Who?

I've been getting you drinks.
I help you with the paperwork.

Now, this ought to be
interesting, Bruce.

Did you know there are
still laws on the books

that allow interns
to not get paid?

Memory serves,
we fought a civil war

over that one there
particular issue.

Mmhmm, but go tell that
to Mitch McConnell.

That man does not care.

Yeah, on TV shows,
they have to pay interns now.

But because this is a podcast,

Bernadine can do anything
I tell her for no money.

Our labor laws are so messed up
that she can't even stop me

from making her use a bucket
instead of a bathroom.

Hmm.
It's a loophole.

What kind of country makes
an unpaid intern go in a bucket?

But that's what my unpaid
interns do up on the Vineyard.

They go right in a bucket.

Wow.
Why haven't those fat cats

done something
to protect these people?

Mmhmm.
I mean, it just ain't right.

People need protection.
Mmhmm.

♪♪