Original subtitles

Thank you all for being here.

I know we're all tired and anxious,

but now is the most important time for all of us

to put in the hard work of bending the curve.

I know a lot of you think the worst is behind us.

I know summer is approaching.

You all want to go out dressed in light clothing,

show some skin.

But I cannot stress enough

how that behavior will increase the number of New Yorkers

who will be sexually harassed by me.

Let's look at this first slide, please.

All right, as you can see,

since I was first accused of inappropriate behavior

back in late February,

there was at first a spike in accusations.

And I think all of us worried that there was no end in sight.

Next slide.

But we were lucky enough to see an inevitable decline

as more women became aware of the situation

and kept a safe distance from me.

Next slide.

Okay, now it gets scary.

We now see our new and, yes, more frightening variant.

This variant was not seen in the past,

but as my sexual harassment continued unchecked,

I became bored,

and so I introduced some new moves into my repertoire,

which now include sneaking up behind a woman

whom I'm meeting for the first time

and whispering, "Cara mia," into her ear

close enough that her ear feels moist.

Next slide.

Okay, how do we flatten the curve?

Number one staying six feet away from me at all times.

I know some of you are thinking you can get closer than six feet

if you're standing behind me because I can't see you.

Trust me, I know you're there, and I'm ready to pounce.

And only in a matter of seconds

a New York minute, if you will

you will have added to the number,

all because you couldn't be bothered

to stand six feet away from me.

Next slide.

Also, you must keep a mask on at all times,

particularly if you have plump lips

or a sultry pout.

Look, guys, II understand.

Everyone wants to go out and return to normalcy.

But you have to be realistic.

That means covering your mouth, staying distant,

not making eye contact with me,

and I know you don't like the stairs,

but it's better than getting caught with me in an elevator.

Do not get in an elevator with me.

Next slide.

♪♪

The rules have changed, Mandalorian,

but your friend Cara Dune refused to adapt,

and now she is gone.

You'll need a new ally,

a different kind of warrior, to show you the way.

This one goes by the name...

Teagan, she/her!

Well, you're just in time, because we've got company

Sand People. Whoa!

You can't call 'em that.

I can't? It's racist.

Get down.

You need to address them as "People of Sand."

No wonder they hate us.

[ Gun clicks ]

Agh! It's jammed.

I'm gonna need your blaster.

Ah! There it is!

You assume because I'm a mercenary and a shock trooper,

I must be carrying a blaster,

because we all do, right?

I meant no offense.

It's just that you're also a bounty hunter,

so II just assumed

Will you please stop Mandosplaining

everything to me?

You brought Grogu to safety,

but now there is another little one

with great powers who needs you...

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Beep ]

...the Baby Fauci.

I'm here to rescue you.

Thank you, uh,

but I'd prefer if you washed your hands first.

I don't know what planet you've been on.

I see you wearing a mask, though.

That's good.

It's part of the Mandalorian code.

Right. Well, if we're being honest,

midichlorian can get through one layer of mask.

Just using that beskar,

you're taking an unnecessary risk.

You need to doublemask it, for yourself and others.

Well, are you gonna save me?

Ah!

Hands!

♪♪

We now return to "Antiques Roadshow."

These are some of the most incredible antiques.

Give me some of that crap, would you?

These are all beautiful items

that legitimately came into my possession

while living at my summer MaraLago,

the White House.

That's George Washington.

You know, he was one of the presidents we had before me.

He had funny hair. And this is yours?

It is now. Give me another one.

Here's a very hot item.

It's the original copy of the Bill of Rights.

Doesn't this belong in the National Archives?

Excuse me! Have you ever been president?

I have.

But look, now it's even more valuable

because it has my notes. Notes?

Certain rights I wasn't crazy about.

Who likes the first one? No one I know.

The gun one that's different. People love the gun one.

And what's this on the back?

That's an order for Arby's.

So how much? $10 million. 20?

Not that I need the money.

People are gonna say, "He needs money."

I don't need the money.

Did you know I donated my whole salary as president?

Every penny.

Yeah, you you mentioned that quite a few times.

How about this? Remember this thing?

The orb, they called it. Kind of a gift.

Kind of? What's it worth? Look.

It's got a hole in the bottom.

I did that. Isn't it great?

The Saudis never thought of doing that.

Now it makes a great bowl for chips

or party mix, popcorn, too.

So, $5 million?

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Listen, the other guy didn't know anything about antiques,

but I've got a great head for this crap,

like this gorgeous statue of Beefsteak Charlie.

Remember that restaurant?

That's President Roosevelt, sir.

Was he the one with the bad legs?

Does that make it less valuable?

Anyway, the other guy, Baldy, offered me $20 million for it.

I'll give it to you for 18

and throw in this Oval Office desk lamp.

It was a gift from President Putin.

Works great, too.

Beautiful light, right? [ Microphone screeches ]

[ Echoing ] Right, right.

Putin said you need to keep it 10 to 12 inches from your mouth

for optimal lighting.

Oh, and here's some stuff that's never been touched,

all mint condition.

These intelligence reports

I stopped reading them around June 2017,

so these babies are pristine.

Got the top one autographed by the Oak Ridge Boys.

Some eclipse viewing glasses, never touched.

Could see it just fine without them.

Here is a "Be Best" mousepad.

I got a whole warehouse full of these.

Would it help if Melania sat on them?

Lipitor!

You don't need it if you have good genes.

A secure mobile phone.

I didn't like it. Too many buttons.

Face mask. Enough said.

You know, Tom Brady, the great hero?

He loves me. He signed my sports bra.

That's gotta be worth $10 million.

I had this portrait commissioned,

but the National Portrait Gallery.

didn't have the courage to hang it.

They said it was too graphic.

You see what I'm using for the flagpole?

Yes, I see very clearly.

Okay, come on, folks,

That kind of lowbrow, "I don't like you" stuff

it's not okay.

It's not the kind of country we need right now.

I made a promise when I raised my right hand

and put my hand on the Bible.

I swore an oath to restore civility to network television.

This stuff is the kind of [bleep]

that biker gang pulled out of your grandma's [bleep].

I don't know if I can still say that

on network television these days or not.

Can I still say,

"Your grandmother's rusty old [bleep]"?

Man, they keep moving the line.

I gotta speak to the FCC about this.

I swear I heard it on "South Park."

♪♪

Coming up, "Naked and Afraid Alone" returns

with its most demanding challenge to date.

[ Breathing heavily ]

It's brutal out here, but my experience as an Army Ranger

has given me the skills to tackle whatever challenge

these woods throw my way, no matter how terrible.

Hey, who you talking to?

"Naked and Afraid: Alone with Ted Cruz."

It's me, Senator Ted Cruz,

lover of the great outside.

NNow, I'm taking a brief respite from my tireless fight

against the radical liberals

wwho want us to descend into socialism.

He's staying here. Indeed I am, Ron.

AAnd full disclosure

I suffer from a condition called night scream.

So iif my shrieking keeps you awake,

just know it's perfectly normal and I'm not in any danger.

Say, since we've got lots of time together here,

I'd love to share some of my thoughts about the LGBTQ mafia

and their dangerous antiChristian propaganda.

OOh, and speaking of dangerous,

those mushrooms you're eating could be poisonous, compadre.

I know.

♪♪

You know, it's hurricane season back home in Texas.

A lot of lives being destroyed.

Anyway, where should I put my humidor?

♪♪

I got the shot.

I got the shot.

I got the shot.

I got the shot.

I got the shot.

And there's nothing to be scared of.

I'm getting the shot.

Was that O. J.?

The vaccine really does work, so don't be afraid.

It's just a little needle.

I hate seeing blood as much as the next guy,

but trust me, it's worth it, so get the shot.

What the [bleep] is going on?

Yeah, um, why is O. J. in this?

Yeah, whose idea was O. J.?

Hey, guys.

Wait, wait. He can hear us?

Just doing my part.

Folks, I know that getting shots makes a lot of people nervous,

but it's not like you're getting stabbed or anything.

[ Laughs ]

Why does he have so many lines?

Okay, okay, okay.

[ Sighs ] I got the shot last week.

I got the shot yesterday.

I got the shot last month.

I got the shot in December.

Is that true?

Top of the list because I'm over 70.

I'm living a long life,

and hopefully longer with this vaccine.

Is he done? No idea.

Oh, hey! How you doing, Pete?

[ Sighs ] Fine.

WWe should hang out sometime.

You still live in that great house in Staten Island?

Wait. You know my house?

II don't think I want to do this anymore.

Hey, Jay, where you headed? Want to grab lunch?

Uh, I was...

I, um...

Just stay on camera.

He can't do anything then.

It's safer.

Uh, yeah, COVID is a serious disease.

Um...

Other diseases are tuberculosis, um, cancer.

We shouldn't be doing this.

I'm gonna get you

get you vaccinated!

[ Laughs ] Time to take your medicine.

♪♪

You can't run from Covid or The Juice.

♪♪

Uh, lupus, tapeworms.

AAre tapeworms a disease?

Get vaccinated! I did it.

Next on "Naked and Afraid: Alone with Ted Cruz"...

Ah. I'm crafting some snares to catch a wild hog.

This is by far the hardest experience of my life.

I'm just trying to focus on my wife, Angie,

and our two kids back home

to help me survive this nightmare.

Morning, Ron. Guess what?

I've decided to get naked, too, to shine a light

on a very serious issue in our country

election fraud.

And as you can see, [chuckles] I've got nothing to hide,

unlike the radical Antifacontrolled blue states

who don't give a lick about transparency

unless they're talking about our southern border.

With this unexpected development,

how much more can Ron take?

Let's keep it going.

Those other appraisers were a disgrace,

but I can tell you're one of the good ones.

So here's a very special item just for you

that everyone else rejected

the nuclear football.

You could throw out all the nuclear stuff

if that's not your thing and put a laptop in there.

And look autographed by Papa John.

Mr. President, we have a lot of people waiting.

Oh, how about this?

I don't know what the market is for this kind of thing,

but I've got the full set of Republican senators' testicles.

Plus, I had them turned into this desk toy.

That's just Tennessee.

I used to watch this for hours.

Let's watch.

[ Clicking ]

Mesmerizing, right?

So what do you think? $420 million?

Let's make it $400 million.

Could you make it out to Anatoly Malakoff,

and could you do that fast?

♪♪

♪♪

You will protect the baby Fauci,

just as the wise baby Fauci protects all living beings.

[ Lasers firing ]

You two may want to reconsider killing this thing.

Removing this great dragon from the ecosystem

opens up the possibilities

for other much deadlier dragons to take its place.

Ugh. Guys, why are we still here?

[ Laughs ] I already got a good picture of us.

In the journey from darkness to wokeness,

the voice of the oppressed will never be silenced.

Stop it. Knock that off. What?

Gonna get us both killed. [ Laughs ]

Where do you think you're going?

We were sent here by Greef Karga.

I haven't heard that name in a long time.

If you see anybody from the Empire in a restaurant,

in a canteen, in a refueling station,

you push back on them.

We've got to get more confrontational.

Okay, you can go in.

How dare you tell us where we can and can't go?

The Empire lost, and yet somehow you stormtroopers still have

this sense of entitlement?

Ha! Could it be the color of your uniform?

White privilege? Must be nice.

♪♪

Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.

And I'm Jeff Bezos.

And in honor of upcoming Pride Month,

we are excited to announce some new initiatives

to give back to the LGBTQ community.

Facebook has always been supportive of LGBTQ people.

Know who George Takei is?

We made that happen.

But you can always do a better job at being inclusive,

which is why today we're announcing a new initiative

to help all our users embrace their authentic selves.

From now on, Facebook will automatically analyze

your personal data

as well as your behavior across the Internet

and determine where you fall on the LGBTQ spectrum.

If we determine you are not being your authentic self

to those closest to you,

we will help you live your truth out loud

by sending them a carefully crafted automated message

coming out on your behalf.

[ Cellphone chimes ] No more hiding.

[ Blows whistle ] No more shame.

Timmy's gay.

No more awkward conversations at the Thanksgiving table.

You can finally live freely and openly.

And as an added bonus, our new A.I.

will autocorrect your comments

in keeping with your fabulous new identity

At Amazon, we also care about the LGBTPTQQ community

and we are proud to partner with Facebook

to send personalized congratulations packages

to the Amazon Prime users taking the brave step

to live as their authentic selves.

Also, we are happy to announce that Alexa is now bisexual.

Alexa, what time is it?

I'm bisexual.

So from all of us in the tech industry,

happy Pride.

And if any fulfillment center employees are watching,

get back to work.

[ Chuckles ] Love you guys.

♪♪

Okay! So we're back in the Mandalorian ship

with the baby!

Y'all, how cute is the baby Fauci?

Are you cold, baby?

Is it cold in here? Brr!

I'm all bundled up in my cozy robe,

so I'm in good shape.

But it's only 12 degrees Celsius in the cockpit,

so you should probably be wearing

an extra layer of clothing.

Wait. Are you slutshaming me?

And, of course, we got Mando

flying his crusty old Razor Crest spaceship

to our next adventure.

Where are we headed, Mandy?

That's confidential.

OMG. I tell you everything!

The windows are fogging up.

I think it's this mask.

[ Squeaking ]

That means it's not the right fit.

Did you get one with a nose wire?

You didn't tell me to get one with a wire.

The fight against evil will not end until the Outer Rim

is the universe's ultimate safe space.

Wait. Are we lost?

No! This is the way.

The wrong way.

Oh, my God.

♪♪

Do not get in an elevator with me,

especially if you fall into

one or more of the following categories,

for example next slide

having legs up to here.

Big problem. Next slide.

Being a woman for whom I'm your direct supervisor

and your chances of advancement flow directly through me.

Be smart. Wait for the next elevator.

I don't have to talk to you like babies.

I know you think you're in a hurry.

Trust me, you're not in that much of a hurry.

Take the three minutes and wait for the next one.

Next slide.

Now, there is hope,

some good news coming from our statisticians

who are showing that while many New Yorkers

are still at risk from me personally,

seniors and small children are virtually immune.

But if you are between the ages of 18

and, say, a youthful 36,

you are highly susceptible to being groped

or at least made uncomfortable by me.

Now I'm gonna slow down,

make sure the sign language interpreter is keeping up.

You getting all this, honey?

I know you talk with your hands.

I'm Italian. I talk with my hands.

I'm sure that's not all we have in common.

I do have tremendous hands, though.

If you ever want to come see how big my hands really are,

you know where to find me, and I know where to find you.

Now, you see what just happened?

Clearly, we're not out of the woods yet.

It can happen just like that.

I'll see you tomorrow,

especially you, I hope.

Come on, people, be smart.

♪♪

And now, Ron, II think I may have acquired a woodland fungus

in the zone between where one's testicles typically are

aand the old exit tunnel, [chuckles]

if you if you know what I mean.

AAnd I wonder if you might give it a looksee.

I can bend over, or if you prefer,

maybe I could hoist a foot up on your shoulder

so you can observe the problem straight on.

Dealer's choice.

[ Insects buzzing ]

Yeah, II can't help but notice what you're staring at, Ron.

II assure you, this corkscrew shape is very common

on wetland ducks.

♪♪