Original subtitles

- TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...

THIS REVEREND CLAIMS TO KNOW EXACTLY WHEN THE WORLD WILL END,

AND IT'S SOONER THAN YOU THINK.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO SMOKED THIS PIPE.

PLUS, A SPECIAL REPORT

FROM OUR INTREPID UNDERCOVER REPORTER.

[voice distorted]

- UH, I'M NOT SURE.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S MOZZARELLA OR...

ALL THIS AND MORE

ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

[dramatic music]

- [straining]

- [sighs]

[bomb beeping]

- CHRISTIANITY IS THE WORLD'S LARGEST RELIGION.

HERE IN AMERICA, OVER 76% OF THE POPULATION

ARE AVOWEDLY CHRISTIAN,

BUT WITHIN CHRISTIANITY, THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT SECTS,

EACH WITH THEIR OWN DISTINCT AND UNIQUE SET

OF RITUALS AND BELIEFS.

HI.

- WE HAVE INFORMATION THAT OTHER CHURCHES

EITHER DON'T HAVE OR CHOOSE NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE,

AND THAT'S WHAT SETS US APART.

WE NOT ONLY BELIEVE THAT JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD,

BUT WE BELIEVE THAT HE SMOKED A PIPE.

- HE DID?

- OH, YES.

- UM, HE HAS A PIPE IN HIS MOUTH.

- MM-HMM.

- SO HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT JESUS SMOKED A PIPE?

- PERHAPS THIS VIDEO WILL BETTER EXPLAIN.

- STILL USING A VHS.

- MM-HM-HM-HM.

[inspiring music]

*

IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW,

YOU'VE PROBABLY JUST ASKED...

THE ANSWER IS YES.

HOW DO WE KNOW THIS?

PERHAPS THIS VIDEO WILL BETTER EXPLAIN.

[choir singing inspirational music]

*

- BETHLEHEM-- THE YEAR, 25 A.D.

IT IS HERE ON THIS MOST HALLOWED OF LAND

THAT A YOUNG JESUS OF NAZARETH

LIVED, STUDIED, AND SMOKED HIS PIPE.

[sheep bleating]

- GOOD MORNING, JESUS.

- GOOD MORNING, ERIC.

- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SMOKED A PIPE.

- INDEED, I DO, ERIC.

INDEED, I DO.

- HERE WE ARE WITH DR. EMIL BRONNARD,

WHO HAS AUTHENTICATED OVER 700 RELIGIOUS ARTIFACTS,

INCLUDING THE ONLY PIPES

KNOWN TO HAVE BEEN SMOKED BY JESUS.

DOCTOR, TELL US RIGHT NOW.

DID JESUS SMOKE A PIPE?

- WELL, THERE IS MUCH EVIDENCE

POINTING TO THE FACT THAT JESUS SMOKED A PIPE,

BUT THE MOST PENETRATING EVIDENCE IS THE SHROUD.

- THE SHROUD?

- YES, THE SHROUD.

THE CLOTH DRAPING THAT WRAPPED THE BODY OF JESUS

WHEN HE WAS BURIED.

AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE IMPRINT,

IT'S QUITE CLEAR THAT HE SMOKED A PIPE.

[Gregorian chant]

- CURRENTLY, THERE ARE ONLY TWO SURVIVING PIPES OF CHRIST

KNOWN TO BE IN EXISTENCE.

ONE IS IN AN ABBEY IN GENOA, ITALY.

THE OTHER PIPE IS HERE

IN THE GUITARIST FROM METALLICA'S HOUSE.

- THERE'S NO DOUBT IN MY MIND

THAT JESUS CHRIST SMOKED A PIPE.

AND WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY AROSE

FOR ME TO ACTUALLY OWN A PIPE THAT JESUS HIMSELF SMOKED FROM,

I COULDN'T PASS THAT UP.

- SO NOW THAT YOU BELIEVE JESUS SMOKED A PIPE,

JOIN US IN THE BLESSED SACRAMENT THAT IS

THE CHURCH OF THE PIPE OF CHRIST.

[playing rock music]

- * HE SMOKED A PIPE

[song continues quietly on stereo]

- WHAT?

- YOU'RE SMOKING?

- GOOD GUESS.

- CAN YOU PUT THAT OUT?

- NATHAN, SHUT UP.

- YOU DON'T SMOKE.

- WELL, I DO NOW.

- [coughing]

- WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING?

- THIS IS MY FIRST ONE.

- WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU'RE 45. NO ONE STARTS SMOKING AT 45.

- LOOK, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD OR MY STEP-DAD, ALL RIGHT?

SO I'LL DO AS I PLEASE,

AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

I'M SMOKING.

- PEOPLE SMOKE BECAUSE THEY WANT,

LIKE, A PENIS IN THEIR MOUTH.

- WELL, I DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT,

DID I, NATHAN?

- SMOKING CAUSES CANCER, YOU KNOW.

- I REALLY LOVE NON-SMOKERS.

YOU KNOW, THEY JUST MORALIZE.

- [coughing] - THEY DON'T GET IT.

- SHOW SOME CONSIDERATION.

- LOOK, I GOTTA PULL OVER AND GET MORE SMOKES.

- [coughs] I LIKED IT BETTER

WHEN YOU USED TO DRINK AND DRIVE.

[rock music]

*

- EXCUSE ME. YOU GOT BURNED.

- I GOT BURNED?

- YOU'RE ON THE SHOW YOU GOT BURNED.

SEE THE CAMERA? - OKAY.

- WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU ALL THE WAY

WHEN YOU TURNED THE CORNER

AND WALKED THE WHOLE WAY DOWN THE SIDEWALK.

SO WE GOT YOU. - VERY GOOD.

- WE BURNED YA!

- SIR, YOU GOT BURNED.

- OH, SORRY. - YEAH, WE GOT--

YOU GOT BURNED.

WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU THE WHOLE WAY

FROM THE CORNER WITH YOUR HELMET ON.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

SEE THE CAMERA? - OHH!

- SO WE GOT YOU ON THE CAMERA, SO YOU GOT BURNED.

- OH, NICE.

- RIGHT. HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- UM...

- WE JUST BURNED YOU. YOU GOT BURNED.

YOU'RE ON THE SHOW YOU GOT BURNED.

WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU THE WHOLE...

EXCUSE ME. YOU GOT BURNED.

BUDDY, YOU'RE STILL GETTIN' BURNED.

YOU GOT BURNED.

- WHY ARE YOU CHASING ME?

- I'M NOT CHASING YOU. I'M WALKING WITH YOU,

AND YOU GOT BURNED. SEE THAT CAMERA?

- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN.

- SEE THE CAMERA RIGHT THERE?

- YOU MEAN SOMEBODY TOOK MY PICTURE?

- EXACTLY, THE WHOLE WAY--

- THERE'S THOUSANDS OF CAMERAS ALL OVER THIS [bleep] CITY

TAKING YOUR PICTURE ALL THE TIME.

- YEAH, BUT THEY'RE NOT YOU GOT BURNED CAMERAS.

THERE'S THE CAMERA RIGHT THERE. - OKAY.

- SO YOU GOT BURNED.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- IT MEANS YOU GOT BURNED.

LIKE, WE GOT YOU ON CAMERA THE WHOLE TIME

YOU WERE WALKING.

SO WE BURNED YOU.

WE GOT YOU.

- I FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO DO MORE TO BURN SOMEBODY.

- NO, NO, WE DON'T.

[rock music]

- [coughing]

- UGH.

- [coughing]

[door chime beeps]

[woman singing in French on car stereo]

- HEY, MAN, YOU GOT A LIGHT?

- UM, YEAH.

- THANKS, SPORT.

FREEDOM MAN, HUH?

- OH, YEAH, I LOVE 'EM.

- I LIVE FOR FREEDOM. - [laughs]

YEAH, ME TOO.

- SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO, MAN?

- UH...

UH, I HAVE A TV SHOW.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IT'S STUPID.

- ALL RIGHT.

HEY, YOU SEEM PRETTY COOL.

YOU TIED DOWN RIGHT NOW?

YOU WANT TO COME HANG WITH US?

[song continuing]

- JON!

TIME IS MONEY. LET'S GO.

[snapping]

[Super 8 camera rolling]

- UM, I--I SHOULDN'T.

HI.

- I UNDERSTAND.

I JUST FIGURED SINCE... WELL, YOU KNOW.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL.

- I LIKE THIS ATTITUDE.

- WHY NOT, RIGHT?

I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU.

- ALL RIGHT! - WHOO!

- HI, I'M JON. HI.

- WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

- JON!

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

[woman singing upbeat pop song in French]

*

[continues in French]

*

- THE ANSWER IS YES.

- * HE SMOKED A PIPE

[mysterious music]

- YOU DON'T SMOKE.

- WELL, I DO NOW.

- HEY, MAN, YOU GOT A LIGHT?

YOU WANT TO COME HANG WITH US?

- JON!

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

[rock music playing]

*

- WELCOME.

MAY I TAKE YOUR PICTURE?

- UM, SURE.

- I'M MIKE.

- I'M JON. - I KNOW.

COME.

- OH. OH, WOW.

YOU'RE A PRO.

WOW.

YES. LOVING IT.

BEAUTIFUL.

NICE. OH, YEAH.

THAT'S HOT.

WOW.

UH-HUH. YES.

WONDERFUL. YES.

[sound muffled, heart beating]

VERY NICE. YES.

- [normal volume] EXCUSE ME.

HELLO.

- [speaks French]

- CIGARETTE?

YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.

- MM.

I'M JON.

- HUH?

- MY NAME IS JON. - AH.

- I ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH.

- OOH.

[soft piano music]

*

- OH. WE HAVEN'T MADE LOVE YET.

UH, WE COULD MAKE LOVE.

- NO.

- I COULD BE THE FATHER THAT YOU'VE NEVER HAD...

SEX WITH.

NOTHING. THAT WAS STUPID.

UM, STAY WITH ME.

[sighs]

DO YOU LOVE HIM?

I LOVE YOU.

I'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH.

- NO. - YES.

- NO. - YES.

- NO. - YOU READY?

- [soft groan]

- AHH! AHH!

ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF.

WAIT. WAIT.

OKAY.

MAKE ME AN EGG.

- NO. - I'M HUNGRY.

- THIS IS A STOVE.

MAKE LOVE TO ME.

MAKE LOVE TO ME, THEN LEAVE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY DID IT.

ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM?

OH, RIGHT.

BUT IT WAS GOOD THAT WE MADE LOVE.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOOD.

GUESS I'LL LOCK UP.

[door closes]

[cell phone rings]

HELLO?

- HEY, JON. IT'S DAVE.

- OH, HI, DAVE.

- YEAH, HOW ARE YOUR NEW FRIENDS?

- THEY'RE GREAT.

THEY'RE MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU.

- HA HA.

ARE YOU STILL SMOKING?

- UM, ARE YOU STILL WEARING COLOGNE?

YES, I AM, DAVE.

I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW, ACTUALLY,

AND I LOVE IT,

AND IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE.

I'VE FOUND LOVE, ALL BECAUSE I SMOKE.

- JON, THIS IS ALL AN ILLUSION, OKAY?

YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES.

YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OFF WILLY-NILLY

AND SMOKE YOURSELF TO DEATH.

- DON'T LECTURE ME, DAVE, OKAY?

I'M TOTALLY FREE NOW.

I'M A SMOKER.

- JON, DON'T BE A PRICK.

WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK?

- I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

THE SMOKE MUST BE GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE SIGNAL.

- JON, COME BACK. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.

JON, MEET ME AT THE COMPOUND.

- DAVE! [phone beeps]

[chuckles]

- [growls]

- THE END OF THE WORLD.

THE ARE A MYRIAD OF THEORIES ON HOW AND WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN.

HERE ON THE COMPOUND OF MEZEA MINISTRIES,

REVEREND ROCCO JANSON SAYS HE HAS A SPECIAL INSIGHT.

UNLIKE MOST, HE CLAIMS WITH CERTAINTY

TO KNOW EXACTLY WHEN THE WORLD WILL END.

- [burps] TODAY.

- THE WORLD IS GONNA END TODAY?

- TODAY, LATER--SIXISH OR SO.

YOU MIND IF I SMOKE?

- I ACTUALLY SMOKE AS WELL.

- OH. GREAT.

- FREEDOM LIGHTS. THAT'S MY BRAND ALSO.

- UH, YEAH, I'VE BEEN SMOKIN' FREEDOMS FOR YEARS.

- I'VE SMOKED FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS.

- LOLLIPOP?

- UM, I THINK IF I'M SMOKING,

I MIGHT JUST DO THAT, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

- I GET 'EM BOTH GOIN'.

THE SWEET AND THE SMOKY,

JUST LIKE MY BARBECUE SAUCE.

- YOU MAKE YOUR OWN BARBECUE SAUCE?

- YEAH. ROCCO'S HOLY MOLEY.

- HOLY MOLEY. - GET IT?

- YES, I DO.

- AFTER HOLY AND MOLEY.

- YOU HAVE A MOLE.

- WE'RE GONNA BE ENJOYING IT TODAY

AT THE CELEBRATION.

- THE CELEBRATION? - WE'RE CELEBRATING.

WELL, I SUPPOSE FOR A, UH, NON-BELIEVER SUCH AS YOURSELF,

THE END OF THE WORLD IS A HORRIFYING, UH,

NIGHTMARE.

BUT FOR US IN MEZEA MINISTRIES,

IT'S A CELEBRATION.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE NEXT PLATFORM.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN?

- BECAUSE I'VE RECEIVED THE MESSAGES, JON.

- MM-HMM. WHAT IF THE MESSAGES YOU RECEIVE

ARE INCORRECT? IS THAT POSSIBLE?

- NEVER. - MM-HMM.

WHAT ABOUT AUGUST 9, 1998?

- OH HO HO HO.

OH, JOY!

IN A FEW HOURS, EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED.

HA HA!

BY A SOLAR FLARE!

RAISE A FOOT IF YOU BELIEVE ME!

OHH! SWITCH!

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT THAT TIME,

UM, YOU'RE NOT GONNA

GET THE END OF THE WORLD RIGHT EVERY TIME.

- WELL, THERE WERE THE FOUR PREDICTIONS LAST YEAR,

NONE OF WHICH-- - ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

MAYBE THEY WEREN'T.

MAYBE THE WORLD DID END A LITTLE BIT EACH TIME.

I HAVE TO GO.

WE HAVE OUR CELEBRATION,

AND, UH, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THIS INTERVIEW.

AND ALSO, YOU'RE INVITED TO OUR CELEBRATION,

BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT POSITIVE ENERGY

AND MOVING ON TO THE NEXT PLATFORM,

AND I HOPE YOU'LL SOON JOIN US

AND SEE THE TRUTH.

- SO THE INTERVIEW'S OVER.

- IT'S NOT OVER. I HAVE TO GO.

- WELL, THAT SORT OF MEANS THE SAME THING.

- I HOPE YOU'LL MAKE IT.

- NO, I'M VERY BUSY TONIGHT. I CAN'T.

BUT THANK YOU FOR--

BRIGITTE? - JON?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- [speaking French]

- THIS IS THE GUY YOU COME AND SEE?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

- SEE YA, SUCKER.

GET IT?

[somber music]

*

- HEY, END OF THE WORLD TONIGHT.

- YEAH, I KNOW.

- END OF THE WORLD TONIGHT.

- YEAH, I HEARD.

[coughing]

[bell ringing]

[dramatic music]

*

[upbeat pop music playing inside]

*

- * THERE'S A GROOVY LITTLE HANGOUT WHERE THE KIDS ALL GO *

- WHOO!

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, YOU KNOW.

LET'S DO IT.

LET'S DRINK ALL OUR PUNCH

AND EAT ALL OUR GOLDFISH.

THERE'S NO TOMORROW, I PROMISE.

- * SHE SO PRETTY AND SHE MOVES SO-- *

- YOU! [needle scratches across record]

YOU'RE A FRAUD.

THIS IS ALL BULL[bleep].

LOOK AT YOU ALL IN YOUR STUPID WHITE ROBES

AND YOUR LAME PARTY AND YOUR CUPCAKES.

IT'S A JOKE, ROCCO.

- [speaking French]

- STOP TALKING, BRIGITTE.

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND FRENCH.

I JUST LIKE THE WAY IT SOUNDS.

- IT'S OKAY, BRIGITTE. JON IS IN PAIN.

JON, I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN.

YOU CAME HERE, YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL,

YOU DON'T EVEN SPEAK HER LANGUAGE,

THEN YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A FRAUD.

WHAT, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WRONG 17 TIMES?

- YES, THAT'S WHY.

- BUT YOU DON'T SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE, MAN!

NO, WE ALL GO THROUGH LIFE WITH SELFISH DESIRES,

BUT WE MUSTN'T LET OURSELVES BE LED THROUGH LIFE BY THEM.

CHRIS, MARIE,

ROB--RICK, RICK.

FOR THIS WORLD ENDS FOR EVERYONE!

"PITY THE WORLD!

"LET THIS GLUTTON BE...

both: "TO EAT THE WORLD'S DUE...

BY THE GRAVE AND THEE."

[loud rumbling, screaming]

- WOW. YOU REALLY WENT ALL OUT THIS TIME, ROCCO.

[screaming]

- IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME, JON!

- WHAT'S HAPPENING, ROCCO?

[explosion] AAH!

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

* HE SMOKED A PIPE, OH

*

* HE SMOKED A PIPE

*