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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,267 --> 00:00:04,927 - TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN... 2 00:00:04,967 --> 00:00:07,367 THIS REVEREND CLAIMS TO KNOW EXACTLY WHEN THE WORLD WILL END, 3 00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,630 AND IT'S SOONER THAN YOU THINK. 4 00:00:09,667 --> 00:00:12,197 YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO SMOKED THIS PIPE. 5 00:00:12,233 --> 00:00:13,573 PLUS, A SPECIAL REPORT 6 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,230 FROM OUR INTREPID UNDERCOVER REPORTER. 7 00:00:16,267 --> 00:00:19,097 [voice distorted] 8 00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:20,233 - UH, I'M NOT SURE. 9 00:00:20,267 --> 00:00:22,027 I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S MOZZARELLA OR... 10 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,170 ALL THIS AND MORE 11 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,530 ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN. 12 00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:33,797 [dramatic music] 13 00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:36,233 - [straining] 14 00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:39,703 - [sighs] 15 00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:41,673 [bomb beeping] 16 00:00:54,667 --> 00:00:57,097 - CHRISTIANITY IS THE WORLD'S LARGEST RELIGION. 17 00:00:57,133 --> 00:01:00,633 HERE IN AMERICA, OVER 76% OF THE POPULATION 18 00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:02,067 ARE AVOWEDLY CHRISTIAN, 19 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:06,097 BUT WITHIN CHRISTIANITY, THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT SECTS, 20 00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:09,333 EACH WITH THEIR OWN DISTINCT AND UNIQUE SET 21 00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:12,497 OF RITUALS AND BELIEFS. 22 00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:16,570 HI. 23 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,770 - WE HAVE INFORMATION THAT OTHER CHURCHES 24 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,570 EITHER DON'T HAVE OR CHOOSE NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE, 25 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,100 AND THAT'S WHAT SETS US APART. 26 00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:27,333 WE NOT ONLY BELIEVE THAT JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD, 27 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:30,267 BUT WE BELIEVE THAT HE SMOKED A PIPE. 28 00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:32,733 - HE DID? 29 00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:34,227 - OH, YES. 30 00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:37,567 - UM, HE HAS A PIPE IN HIS MOUTH. 31 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:38,870 - MM-HMM. 32 00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:43,230 - SO HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT JESUS SMOKED A PIPE? 33 00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:46,597 - PERHAPS THIS VIDEO WILL BETTER EXPLAIN. 34 00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:50,367 - STILL USING A VHS. 35 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,130 - MM-HM-HM-HM. 36 00:01:52,167 --> 00:01:55,067 [inspiring music] 37 00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:59,197 * 38 00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:01,833 IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW, 39 00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:03,597 YOU'VE PROBABLY JUST ASKED... 40 00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:07,867 THE ANSWER IS YES. 41 00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:09,600 HOW DO WE KNOW THIS? 42 00:02:09,633 --> 00:02:14,873 PERHAPS THIS VIDEO WILL BETTER EXPLAIN. 43 00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,870 [choir singing inspirational music] 44 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,070 * 45 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:23,097 - BETHLEHEM-- THE YEAR, 25 A.D. 46 00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:25,733 IT IS HERE ON THIS MOST HALLOWED OF LAND 47 00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:27,697 THAT A YOUNG JESUS OF NAZARETH 48 00:02:27,733 --> 00:02:30,833 LIVED, STUDIED, AND SMOKED HIS PIPE. 49 00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:34,427 [sheep bleating] 50 00:02:34,467 --> 00:02:36,827 - GOOD MORNING, JESUS. 51 00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:38,427 - GOOD MORNING, ERIC. 52 00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:40,727 - I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SMOKED A PIPE. 53 00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:43,827 - INDEED, I DO, ERIC. 54 00:02:43,867 --> 00:02:45,227 INDEED, I DO. 55 00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:51,967 - HERE WE ARE WITH DR. EMIL BRONNARD, 56 00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:56,327 WHO HAS AUTHENTICATED OVER 700 RELIGIOUS ARTIFACTS, 57 00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:57,827 INCLUDING THE ONLY PIPES 58 00:02:57,867 --> 00:02:59,627 KNOWN TO HAVE BEEN SMOKED BY JESUS. 59 00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,397 DOCTOR, TELL US RIGHT NOW. 60 00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,233 DID JESUS SMOKE A PIPE? 61 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,697 - WELL, THERE IS MUCH EVIDENCE 62 00:03:05,733 --> 00:03:07,933 POINTING TO THE FACT THAT JESUS SMOKED A PIPE, 63 00:03:07,967 --> 00:03:11,327 BUT THE MOST PENETRATING EVIDENCE IS THE SHROUD. 64 00:03:11,367 --> 00:03:12,897 - THE SHROUD? 65 00:03:12,933 --> 00:03:14,273 - YES, THE SHROUD. 66 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,670 THE CLOTH DRAPING THAT WRAPPED THE BODY OF JESUS 67 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,300 WHEN HE WAS BURIED. 68 00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:19,873 AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE IMPRINT, 69 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,230 IT'S QUITE CLEAR THAT HE SMOKED A PIPE. 70 00:03:22,267 --> 00:03:24,697 [Gregorian chant] 71 00:03:24,733 --> 00:03:27,073 - CURRENTLY, THERE ARE ONLY TWO SURVIVING PIPES OF CHRIST 72 00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,797 KNOWN TO BE IN EXISTENCE. 73 00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,073 ONE IS IN AN ABBEY IN GENOA, ITALY. 74 00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:33,200 THE OTHER PIPE IS HERE 75 00:03:33,233 --> 00:03:35,733 IN THE GUITARIST FROM METALLICA'S HOUSE. 76 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,570 - THERE'S NO DOUBT IN MY MIND 77 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,930 THAT JESUS CHRIST SMOKED A PIPE. 78 00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:46,397 AND WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY AROSE 79 00:03:46,433 --> 00:03:50,233 FOR ME TO ACTUALLY OWN A PIPE THAT JESUS HIMSELF SMOKED FROM, 80 00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:53,467 I COULDN'T PASS THAT UP. 81 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,700 - SO NOW THAT YOU BELIEVE JESUS SMOKED A PIPE, 82 00:03:56,733 --> 00:03:59,573 JOIN US IN THE BLESSED SACRAMENT THAT IS 83 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,300 THE CHURCH OF THE PIPE OF CHRIST. 84 00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:09,730 [playing rock music] 85 00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:30,427 - * HE SMOKED A PIPE 86 00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:35,497 [song continues quietly on stereo] 87 00:04:37,767 --> 00:04:38,767 - WHAT? 88 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,970 - YOU'RE SMOKING? 89 00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,397 - GOOD GUESS. 90 00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:42,703 - CAN YOU PUT THAT OUT? 91 00:04:42,733 --> 00:04:44,803 - NATHAN, SHUT UP. 92 00:04:44,833 --> 00:04:46,103 - YOU DON'T SMOKE. 93 00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:47,673 - WELL, I DO NOW. 94 00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:50,370 - [coughing] 95 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,830 - WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING? 96 00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:53,197 - THIS IS MY FIRST ONE. 97 00:04:53,233 --> 00:04:54,433 - WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 98 00:04:54,467 --> 00:04:57,067 YOU'RE 45. NO ONE STARTS SMOKING AT 45. 99 00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:59,667 - LOOK, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD OR MY STEP-DAD, ALL RIGHT? 100 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,170 SO I'LL DO AS I PLEASE, 101 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,770 AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. 102 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:03,970 I'M SMOKING. 103 00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,297 - PEOPLE SMOKE BECAUSE THEY WANT, 104 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:08,103 LIKE, A PENIS IN THEIR MOUTH. 105 00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:09,833 - WELL, I DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT, 106 00:05:09,867 --> 00:05:11,597 DID I, NATHAN? 107 00:05:11,633 --> 00:05:13,933 - SMOKING CAUSES CANCER, YOU KNOW. 108 00:05:13,967 --> 00:05:15,727 - I REALLY LOVE NON-SMOKERS. 109 00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:17,127 YOU KNOW, THEY JUST MORALIZE. 110 00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:19,827 - [coughing] - THEY DON'T GET IT. 111 00:05:19,867 --> 00:05:21,567 - SHOW SOME CONSIDERATION. 112 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,070 - LOOK, I GOTTA PULL OVER AND GET MORE SMOKES. 113 00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:25,127 - [coughs] I LIKED IT BETTER 114 00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:26,927 WHEN YOU USED TO DRINK AND DRIVE. 115 00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:34,967 [rock music] 116 00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,067 * 117 00:05:38,267 --> 00:05:40,267 - EXCUSE ME. YOU GOT BURNED. 118 00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:41,430 - I GOT BURNED? 119 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:42,427 - YOU'RE ON THE SHOW YOU GOT BURNED. 120 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,767 SEE THE CAMERA? - OKAY. 121 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:44,970 - WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU ALL THE WAY 122 00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:46,167 WHEN YOU TURNED THE CORNER 123 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:47,800 AND WALKED THE WHOLE WAY DOWN THE SIDEWALK. 124 00:05:47,833 --> 00:05:50,473 SO WE GOT YOU. - VERY GOOD. 125 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:51,630 - WE BURNED YA! 126 00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:55,697 - SIR, YOU GOT BURNED. 127 00:05:55,733 --> 00:05:56,973 - OH, SORRY. - YEAH, WE GOT-- 128 00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:58,167 YOU GOT BURNED. 129 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,070 WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU THE WHOLE WAY 130 00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:01,770 FROM THE CORNER WITH YOUR HELMET ON. 131 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:02,770 - REALLY? - YEAH. 132 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,630 SEE THE CAMERA? - OHH! 133 00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:07,597 - SO WE GOT YOU ON THE CAMERA, SO YOU GOT BURNED. 134 00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:09,073 - OH, NICE. 135 00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:10,067 - RIGHT. HOW DO YOU FEEL? 136 00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:12,067 - UM... 137 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,170 - WE JUST BURNED YOU. YOU GOT BURNED. 138 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:15,670 YOU'RE ON THE SHOW YOU GOT BURNED. 139 00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,070 WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU THE WHOLE... 140 00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:21,227 EXCUSE ME. YOU GOT BURNED. 141 00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:25,467 BUDDY, YOU'RE STILL GETTIN' BURNED. 142 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,670 YOU GOT BURNED. 143 00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,230 - WHY ARE YOU CHASING ME? 144 00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:30,097 - I'M NOT CHASING YOU. I'M WALKING WITH YOU, 145 00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:31,733 AND YOU GOT BURNED. SEE THAT CAMERA? 146 00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,067 - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN. 147 00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,200 - SEE THE CAMERA RIGHT THERE? 148 00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:35,703 - YOU MEAN SOMEBODY TOOK MY PICTURE? 149 00:06:35,733 --> 00:06:37,203 - EXACTLY, THE WHOLE WAY-- 150 00:06:37,233 --> 00:06:39,303 - THERE'S THOUSANDS OF CAMERAS ALL OVER THIS [bleep] CITY 151 00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:40,833 TAKING YOUR PICTURE ALL THE TIME. 152 00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:43,797 - YEAH, BUT THEY'RE NOT YOU GOT BURNED CAMERAS. 153 00:06:43,833 --> 00:06:45,633 THERE'S THE CAMERA RIGHT THERE. - OKAY. 154 00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:46,897 - SO YOU GOT BURNED. 155 00:06:46,933 --> 00:06:48,133 - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 156 00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:49,297 - IT MEANS YOU GOT BURNED. 157 00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:50,973 LIKE, WE GOT YOU ON CAMERA THE WHOLE TIME 158 00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:52,527 YOU WERE WALKING. 159 00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:53,527 SO WE BURNED YOU. 160 00:06:53,567 --> 00:06:54,867 WE GOT YOU. 161 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:58,070 - I FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO DO MORE TO BURN SOMEBODY. 162 00:06:58,067 --> 00:07:00,167 - NO, NO, WE DON'T. 163 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,070 [rock music] 164 00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:07,897 - [coughing] 165 00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:10,073 - UGH. 166 00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:12,067 - [coughing] 167 00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:15,070 [door chime beeps] 168 00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:18,767 [woman singing in French on car stereo] 169 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,130 - HEY, MAN, YOU GOT A LIGHT? 170 00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:24,567 - UM, YEAH. 171 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:27,830 - THANKS, SPORT. 172 00:07:27,867 --> 00:07:29,097 FREEDOM MAN, HUH? 173 00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,433 - OH, YEAH, I LOVE 'EM. 174 00:07:30,467 --> 00:07:31,727 - I LIVE FOR FREEDOM. - [laughs] 175 00:07:31,767 --> 00:07:33,367 YEAH, ME TOO. 176 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,570 - SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO, MAN? 177 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,600 - UH... 178 00:07:37,633 --> 00:07:38,973 UH, I HAVE A TV SHOW. 179 00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,097 IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. 180 00:07:40,133 --> 00:07:41,173 IT'S STUPID. 181 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,200 - ALL RIGHT. 182 00:07:42,233 --> 00:07:43,803 HEY, YOU SEEM PRETTY COOL. 183 00:07:43,833 --> 00:07:45,073 YOU TIED DOWN RIGHT NOW? 184 00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,630 YOU WANT TO COME HANG WITH US? 185 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,197 [song continuing] 186 00:07:49,233 --> 00:07:51,333 - JON! 187 00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:52,727 TIME IS MONEY. LET'S GO. 188 00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,427 [snapping] 189 00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,867 [Super 8 camera rolling] 190 00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,700 - UM, I--I SHOULDN'T. 191 00:07:58,733 --> 00:07:59,773 HI. 192 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,200 - I UNDERSTAND. 193 00:08:01,233 --> 00:08:07,203 I JUST FIGURED SINCE... WELL, YOU KNOW. 194 00:08:07,233 --> 00:08:08,703 - YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL. 195 00:08:08,733 --> 00:08:10,373 - I LIKE THIS ATTITUDE. 196 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,230 - WHY NOT, RIGHT? 197 00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:13,327 I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU. 198 00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,567 - ALL RIGHT! - WHOO! 199 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,630 - HI, I'M JON. HI. 200 00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:16,627 - WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? 201 00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:17,867 - JON! 202 00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:19,700 - IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. 203 00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:22,633 [woman singing upbeat pop song in French] 204 00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:30,397 * 205 00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:32,073 [continues in French] 206 00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:40,070 * 207 00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,470 - THE ANSWER IS YES. 208 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:14,100 - * HE SMOKED A PIPE 209 00:09:14,133 --> 00:09:16,773 [mysterious music] 210 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:17,770 - YOU DON'T SMOKE. 211 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,330 - WELL, I DO NOW. 212 00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:21,267 - HEY, MAN, YOU GOT A LIGHT? 213 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,330 YOU WANT TO COME HANG WITH US? 214 00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:24,597 - JON! 215 00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:27,173 - IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. 216 00:09:32,967 --> 00:09:35,927 [rock music playing] 217 00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:44,067 * 218 00:09:58,633 --> 00:09:59,603 - WELCOME. 219 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,373 MAY I TAKE YOUR PICTURE? 220 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,270 - UM, SURE. 221 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,300 - I'M MIKE. 222 00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:05,473 - I'M JON. - I KNOW. 223 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:06,870 COME. 224 00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:14,033 - OH. OH, WOW. 225 00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:15,197 YOU'RE A PRO. 226 00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,473 WOW. 227 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,200 YES. LOVING IT. 228 00:10:18,233 --> 00:10:19,203 BEAUTIFUL. 229 00:10:19,233 --> 00:10:20,733 NICE. OH, YEAH. 230 00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:22,167 THAT'S HOT. 231 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,800 WOW. 232 00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:26,303 UH-HUH. YES. 233 00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:27,933 WONDERFUL. YES. 234 00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:30,427 [sound muffled, heart beating] 235 00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,467 VERY NICE. YES. 236 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,997 - [normal volume] EXCUSE ME. 237 00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:44,070 HELLO. 238 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,830 - [speaks French] 239 00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:47,427 - CIGARETTE? 240 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:51,367 YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT. 241 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,900 - MM. 242 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,230 I'M JON. 243 00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:58,667 - HUH? 244 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,630 - MY NAME IS JON. - AH. 245 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,333 - I ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH. 246 00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,270 - OOH. 247 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,270 [soft piano music] 248 00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:27,270 * 249 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:30,400 - OH. WE HAVEN'T MADE LOVE YET. 250 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,197 UH, WE COULD MAKE LOVE. 251 00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:34,233 - NO. 252 00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:39,127 - I COULD BE THE FATHER THAT YOU'VE NEVER HAD... 253 00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,267 SEX WITH. 254 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,370 NOTHING. THAT WAS STUPID. 255 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,930 UM, STAY WITH ME. 256 00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:49,503 [sighs] 257 00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,933 DO YOU LOVE HIM? 258 00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,467 I LOVE YOU. 259 00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:04,133 I'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH. 260 00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,197 - NO. - YES. 261 00:12:05,233 --> 00:12:06,403 - NO. - YES. 262 00:12:06,433 --> 00:12:09,073 - NO. - YOU READY? 263 00:12:12,233 --> 00:12:13,803 - [soft groan] 264 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,933 - AHH! AHH! 265 00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:17,497 ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF. 266 00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,827 WAIT. WAIT. 267 00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:31,697 OKAY. 268 00:12:57,633 --> 00:13:00,503 MAKE ME AN EGG. 269 00:13:00,533 --> 00:13:02,303 - NO. - I'M HUNGRY. 270 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,530 - THIS IS A STOVE. 271 00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:11,173 MAKE LOVE TO ME. 272 00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:15,197 MAKE LOVE TO ME, THEN LEAVE. 273 00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:19,530 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY DID IT. 274 00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:28,127 ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM? 275 00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:36,397 OH, RIGHT. 276 00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:38,773 BUT IT WAS GOOD THAT WE MADE LOVE. 277 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:41,700 I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOOD. 278 00:13:44,933 --> 00:13:46,803 GUESS I'LL LOCK UP. 279 00:13:46,833 --> 00:13:48,073 [door closes] 280 00:13:49,267 --> 00:13:54,367 [cell phone rings] 281 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,600 HELLO? 282 00:13:55,633 --> 00:13:57,633 - HEY, JON. IT'S DAVE. 283 00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:59,067 - OH, HI, DAVE. 284 00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:00,527 - YEAH, HOW ARE YOUR NEW FRIENDS? 285 00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:01,627 - THEY'RE GREAT. 286 00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:03,127 THEY'RE MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU. 287 00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:04,127 - HA HA. 288 00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:05,397 ARE YOU STILL SMOKING? 289 00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:07,203 - UM, ARE YOU STILL WEARING COLOGNE? 290 00:14:07,233 --> 00:14:08,273 YES, I AM, DAVE. 291 00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:09,770 I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW, ACTUALLY, 292 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,870 AND I LOVE IT, 293 00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:12,200 AND IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE. 294 00:14:12,233 --> 00:14:14,603 I'VE FOUND LOVE, ALL BECAUSE I SMOKE. 295 00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:16,833 - JON, THIS IS ALL AN ILLUSION, OKAY? 296 00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:17,927 YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES. 297 00:14:17,967 --> 00:14:19,267 YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OFF WILLY-NILLY 298 00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,400 AND SMOKE YOURSELF TO DEATH. 299 00:14:20,433 --> 00:14:22,103 - DON'T LECTURE ME, DAVE, OKAY? 300 00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:23,373 I'M TOTALLY FREE NOW. 301 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,630 I'M A SMOKER. 302 00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:26,697 - JON, DON'T BE A PRICK. 303 00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:27,933 WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK? 304 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,367 - I CAN'T HEAR YOU. 305 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,600 THE SMOKE MUST BE GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE SIGNAL. 306 00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:33,603 - JON, COME BACK. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. 307 00:14:33,633 --> 00:14:34,933 JON, MEET ME AT THE COMPOUND. 308 00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:36,627 - DAVE! [phone beeps] 309 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,697 [chuckles] 310 00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:39,773 - [growls] 311 00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:44,303 - THE END OF THE WORLD. 312 00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:47,703 THE ARE A MYRIAD OF THEORIES ON HOW AND WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN. 313 00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:50,833 HERE ON THE COMPOUND OF MEZEA MINISTRIES, 314 00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:54,827 REVEREND ROCCO JANSON SAYS HE HAS A SPECIAL INSIGHT. 315 00:14:54,867 --> 00:14:57,227 UNLIKE MOST, HE CLAIMS WITH CERTAINTY 316 00:14:57,267 --> 00:15:00,627 TO KNOW EXACTLY WHEN THE WORLD WILL END. 317 00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,627 - [burps] TODAY. 318 00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:04,697 - THE WORLD IS GONNA END TODAY? 319 00:15:04,733 --> 00:15:08,333 - TODAY, LATER--SIXISH OR SO. 320 00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:09,427 YOU MIND IF I SMOKE? 321 00:15:09,467 --> 00:15:11,667 - I ACTUALLY SMOKE AS WELL. 322 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,230 - OH. GREAT. 323 00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:15,797 - FREEDOM LIGHTS. THAT'S MY BRAND ALSO. 324 00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:18,603 - UH, YEAH, I'VE BEEN SMOKIN' FREEDOMS FOR YEARS. 325 00:15:18,633 --> 00:15:20,773 - I'VE SMOKED FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS. 326 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,130 - LOLLIPOP? 327 00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:24,327 - UM, I THINK IF I'M SMOKING, 328 00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,897 I MIGHT JUST DO THAT, IF YOU DON'T MIND. 329 00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:28,203 - I GET 'EM BOTH GOIN'. 330 00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:30,373 THE SWEET AND THE SMOKY, 331 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,430 JUST LIKE MY BARBECUE SAUCE. 332 00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:34,967 - YOU MAKE YOUR OWN BARBECUE SAUCE? 333 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,667 - YEAH. ROCCO'S HOLY MOLEY. 334 00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:37,700 - HOLY MOLEY. - GET IT? 335 00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:38,703 - YES, I DO. 336 00:15:38,733 --> 00:15:40,273 - AFTER HOLY AND MOLEY. 337 00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,330 - YOU HAVE A MOLE. 338 00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,727 - WE'RE GONNA BE ENJOYING IT TODAY 339 00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:45,067 AT THE CELEBRATION. 340 00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:47,067 - THE CELEBRATION? - WE'RE CELEBRATING. 341 00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:50,867 WELL, I SUPPOSE FOR A, UH, NON-BELIEVER SUCH AS YOURSELF, 342 00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:55,630 THE END OF THE WORLD IS A HORRIFYING, UH, 343 00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:57,197 NIGHTMARE. 344 00:15:57,233 --> 00:16:00,603 BUT FOR US IN MEZEA MINISTRIES, 345 00:16:00,633 --> 00:16:02,203 IT'S A CELEBRATION. 346 00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:04,473 WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE NEXT PLATFORM. 347 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:06,300 - HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN? 348 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,373 - BECAUSE I'VE RECEIVED THE MESSAGES, JON. 349 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,130 - MM-HMM. WHAT IF THE MESSAGES YOU RECEIVE 350 00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,667 ARE INCORRECT? IS THAT POSSIBLE? 351 00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:13,730 - NEVER. - MM-HMM. 352 00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:16,727 WHAT ABOUT AUGUST 9, 1998? 353 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,127 - OH HO HO HO. 354 00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,297 OH, JOY! 355 00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:26,103 IN A FEW HOURS, EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED. 356 00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:27,503 HA HA! 357 00:16:27,533 --> 00:16:29,473 BY A SOLAR FLARE! 358 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:33,070 RAISE A FOOT IF YOU BELIEVE ME! 359 00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,130 OHH! SWITCH! 360 00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:39,767 WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT THAT TIME, 361 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,070 UM, YOU'RE NOT GONNA 362 00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,767 GET THE END OF THE WORLD RIGHT EVERY TIME. 363 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,170 - WELL, THERE WERE THE FOUR PREDICTIONS LAST YEAR, 364 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,830 NONE OF WHICH-- - ALL RIGHT, LOOK, 365 00:16:48,867 --> 00:16:49,967 MAYBE THEY WEREN'T. 366 00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:52,597 MAYBE THE WORLD DID END A LITTLE BIT EACH TIME. 367 00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:53,773 I HAVE TO GO. 368 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,730 WE HAVE OUR CELEBRATION, 369 00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:58,067 AND, UH, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THIS INTERVIEW. 370 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,830 AND ALSO, YOU'RE INVITED TO OUR CELEBRATION, 371 00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:02,667 BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT POSITIVE ENERGY 372 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,130 AND MOVING ON TO THE NEXT PLATFORM, 373 00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:05,527 AND I HOPE YOU'LL SOON JOIN US 374 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:06,597 AND SEE THE TRUTH. 375 00:17:06,633 --> 00:17:08,073 - SO THE INTERVIEW'S OVER. 376 00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:09,300 - IT'S NOT OVER. I HAVE TO GO. 377 00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:11,603 - WELL, THAT SORT OF MEANS THE SAME THING. 378 00:17:11,633 --> 00:17:12,833 - I HOPE YOU'LL MAKE IT. 379 00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:14,367 - NO, I'M VERY BUSY TONIGHT. I CAN'T. 380 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,930 BUT THANK YOU FOR-- 381 00:17:16,967 --> 00:17:18,467 BRIGITTE? - JON? 382 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,130 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 383 00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:23,697 - [speaking French] 384 00:17:23,733 --> 00:17:26,133 - THIS IS THE GUY YOU COME AND SEE? 385 00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:30,097 WHAT ABOUT ME? 386 00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:42,067 - SEE YA, SUCKER. 387 00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,267 GET IT? 388 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:46,270 [somber music] 389 00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:54,300 * 390 00:18:00,633 --> 00:18:02,173 - HEY, END OF THE WORLD TONIGHT. 391 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,530 - YEAH, I KNOW. 392 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,330 - END OF THE WORLD TONIGHT. 393 00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:09,567 - YEAH, I HEARD. 394 00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:19,397 [coughing] 395 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:24,433 [bell ringing] 396 00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:30,127 [dramatic music] 397 00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:38,167 * 398 00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:51,470 [upbeat pop music playing inside] 399 00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:55,070 * 400 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,667 - * THERE'S A GROOVY LITTLE HANGOUT WHERE THE KIDS ALL GO * 401 00:18:58,700 --> 00:18:59,870 - WHOO! 402 00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:01,630 IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, YOU KNOW. 403 00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:03,067 LET'S DO IT. 404 00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:04,397 LET'S DRINK ALL OUR PUNCH 405 00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:05,933 AND EAT ALL OUR GOLDFISH. 406 00:19:05,967 --> 00:19:09,227 THERE'S NO TOMORROW, I PROMISE. 407 00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:10,297 - * SHE SO PRETTY AND SHE MOVES SO-- * 408 00:19:10,333 --> 00:19:12,773 - YOU! [needle scratches across record] 409 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,170 YOU'RE A FRAUD. 410 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,570 THIS IS ALL BULL[bleep]. 411 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,570 LOOK AT YOU ALL IN YOUR STUPID WHITE ROBES 412 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,300 AND YOUR LAME PARTY AND YOUR CUPCAKES. 413 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,073 IT'S A JOKE, ROCCO. 414 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,300 - [speaking French] 415 00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:30,433 - STOP TALKING, BRIGITTE. 416 00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:31,467 I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND FRENCH. 417 00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,070 I JUST LIKE THE WAY IT SOUNDS. 418 00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,970 - IT'S OKAY, BRIGITTE. JON IS IN PAIN. 419 00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,797 JON, I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN. 420 00:19:37,833 --> 00:19:39,903 YOU CAME HERE, YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL, 421 00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,373 YOU DON'T EVEN SPEAK HER LANGUAGE, 422 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,470 THEN YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A FRAUD. 423 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:46,530 WHAT, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WRONG 17 TIMES? 424 00:19:46,567 --> 00:19:48,167 - YES, THAT'S WHY. 425 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,600 - BUT YOU DON'T SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE, MAN! 426 00:19:51,633 --> 00:19:55,403 NO, WE ALL GO THROUGH LIFE WITH SELFISH DESIRES, 427 00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:58,603 BUT WE MUSTN'T LET OURSELVES BE LED THROUGH LIFE BY THEM. 428 00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:02,133 CHRIS, MARIE, 429 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:06,467 ROB--RICK, RICK. 430 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:09,230 FOR THIS WORLD ENDS FOR EVERYONE! 431 00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:12,367 "PITY THE WORLD! 432 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,200 "LET THIS GLUTTON BE... 433 00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:19,073 both: "TO EAT THE WORLD'S DUE... 434 00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:22,470 BY THE GRAVE AND THEE." 435 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:26,030 [loud rumbling, screaming] 436 00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:32,003 - WOW. YOU REALLY WENT ALL OUT THIS TIME, ROCCO. 437 00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:36,433 [screaming] 438 00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:39,027 - IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME, JON! 439 00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:40,867 - WHAT'S HAPPENING, ROCCO? 440 00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,730 [explosion] AAH! 441 00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:58,067 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 442 00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:11,233 * HE SMOKED A PIPE, OH 443 00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:13,967 * 444 00:21:14,067 --> 00:21:18,897 * HE SMOKED A PIPE 445 00:21:18,933 --> 00:21:26,933 * 29007

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