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1
00:00:03,267 --> 00:00:04,927
- TONIGHT
ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...
2
00:00:04,967 --> 00:00:07,367
THIS REVEREND CLAIMS TO KNOW
EXACTLY WHEN THE WORLD WILL END,
3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,630
AND IT'S SOONER
THAN YOU THINK.
4
00:00:09,667 --> 00:00:12,197
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHO SMOKED THIS PIPE.
5
00:00:12,233 --> 00:00:13,573
PLUS, A SPECIAL REPORT
6
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,230
FROM OUR INTREPID
UNDERCOVER REPORTER.
7
00:00:16,267 --> 00:00:19,097
[voice distorted]
8
00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:20,233
- UH, I'M NOT SURE.
9
00:00:20,267 --> 00:00:22,027
I DON'T KNOW
IF IT'S MOZZARELLA OR...
10
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,170
ALL THIS AND MORE
11
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,530
ON TONIGHT'S
JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.
12
00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:33,797
[dramatic music]
13
00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:36,233
- [straining]
14
00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:39,703
- [sighs]
15
00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:41,673
[bomb beeping]
16
00:00:54,667 --> 00:00:57,097
- CHRISTIANITY IS
THE WORLD'S LARGEST RELIGION.
17
00:00:57,133 --> 00:01:00,633
HERE IN AMERICA,
OVER 76% OF THE POPULATION
18
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:02,067
ARE AVOWEDLY CHRISTIAN,
19
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:06,097
BUT WITHIN CHRISTIANITY,
THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT SECTS,
20
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:09,333
EACH WITH THEIR OWN DISTINCT
AND UNIQUE SET
21
00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:12,497
OF RITUALS AND BELIEFS.
22
00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:16,570
HI.
23
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,770
- WE HAVE INFORMATION
THAT OTHER CHURCHES
24
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,570
EITHER DON'T HAVE
OR CHOOSE NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE,
25
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,100
AND THAT'S WHAT
SETS US APART.
26
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:27,333
WE NOT ONLY BELIEVE
THAT JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD,
27
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:30,267
BUT WE BELIEVE
THAT HE SMOKED A PIPE.
28
00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:32,733
- HE DID?
29
00:01:32,767 --> 00:01:34,227
- OH, YES.
30
00:01:34,267 --> 00:01:37,567
- UM, HE HAS
A PIPE IN HIS MOUTH.
31
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:38,870
- MM-HMM.
32
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:43,230
- SO HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT JESUS SMOKED A PIPE?
33
00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:46,597
- PERHAPS THIS VIDEO
WILL BETTER EXPLAIN.
34
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:50,367
- STILL USING A VHS.
35
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,130
- MM-HM-HM-HM.
36
00:01:52,167 --> 00:01:55,067
[inspiring music]
37
00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:59,197
*
38
00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:01,833
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS
RIGHT NOW,
39
00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:03,597
YOU'VE PROBABLY
JUST ASKED...
40
00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:07,867
THE ANSWER IS YES.
41
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:09,600
HOW DO WE KNOW THIS?
42
00:02:09,633 --> 00:02:14,873
PERHAPS THIS VIDEO
WILL BETTER EXPLAIN.
43
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,870
[choir singing
inspirational music]
44
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,070
*
45
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:23,097
- BETHLEHEM--
THE YEAR, 25 A.D.
46
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:25,733
IT IS HERE
ON THIS MOST HALLOWED OF LAND
47
00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:27,697
THAT A YOUNG JESUS
OF NAZARETH
48
00:02:27,733 --> 00:02:30,833
LIVED, STUDIED,
AND SMOKED HIS PIPE.
49
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:34,427
[sheep bleating]
50
00:02:34,467 --> 00:02:36,827
- GOOD MORNING, JESUS.
51
00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:38,427
- GOOD MORNING, ERIC.
52
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:40,727
- I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU SMOKED A PIPE.
53
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:43,827
- INDEED, I DO, ERIC.
54
00:02:43,867 --> 00:02:45,227
INDEED, I DO.
55
00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:51,967
- HERE WE ARE
WITH DR. EMIL BRONNARD,
56
00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:56,327
WHO HAS AUTHENTICATED
OVER 700 RELIGIOUS ARTIFACTS,
57
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:57,827
INCLUDING THE ONLY PIPES
58
00:02:57,867 --> 00:02:59,627
KNOWN TO HAVE BEEN
SMOKED BY JESUS.
59
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,397
DOCTOR, TELL US
RIGHT NOW.
60
00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,233
DID JESUS SMOKE A PIPE?
61
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:05,697
- WELL,
THERE IS MUCH EVIDENCE
62
00:03:05,733 --> 00:03:07,933
POINTING TO THE FACT
THAT JESUS SMOKED A PIPE,
63
00:03:07,967 --> 00:03:11,327
BUT THE MOST PENETRATING
EVIDENCE IS THE SHROUD.
64
00:03:11,367 --> 00:03:12,897
- THE SHROUD?
65
00:03:12,933 --> 00:03:14,273
- YES, THE SHROUD.
66
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,670
THE CLOTH DRAPING THAT WRAPPED
THE BODY OF JESUS
67
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,300
WHEN HE WAS BURIED.
68
00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:19,873
AS YOU CAN SEE
FROM THE IMPRINT,
69
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,230
IT'S QUITE CLEAR
THAT HE SMOKED A PIPE.
70
00:03:22,267 --> 00:03:24,697
[Gregorian chant]
71
00:03:24,733 --> 00:03:27,073
- CURRENTLY, THERE ARE ONLY
TWO SURVIVING PIPES OF CHRIST
72
00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:28,797
KNOWN TO BE IN EXISTENCE.
73
00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,073
ONE IS IN AN ABBEY
IN GENOA, ITALY.
74
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:33,200
THE OTHER PIPE IS HERE
75
00:03:33,233 --> 00:03:35,733
IN THE GUITARIST
FROM METALLICA'S HOUSE.
76
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:42,570
- THERE'S NO DOUBT
IN MY MIND
77
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,930
THAT JESUS CHRIST
SMOKED A PIPE.
78
00:03:44,967 --> 00:03:46,397
AND WHEN
THE OPPORTUNITY AROSE
79
00:03:46,433 --> 00:03:50,233
FOR ME TO ACTUALLY OWN A PIPE
THAT JESUS HIMSELF SMOKED FROM,
80
00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:53,467
I COULDN'T PASS THAT UP.
81
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,700
- SO NOW THAT YOU BELIEVE
JESUS SMOKED A PIPE,
82
00:03:56,733 --> 00:03:59,573
JOIN US IN THE BLESSED SACRAMENT
THAT IS
83
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,300
THE CHURCH
OF THE PIPE OF CHRIST.
84
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:09,730
[playing rock music]
85
00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:30,427
- * HE SMOKED A PIPE
86
00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:35,497
[song continues
quietly on stereo]
87
00:04:37,767 --> 00:04:38,767
- WHAT?
88
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,970
- YOU'RE SMOKING?
89
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,397
- GOOD GUESS.
90
00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:42,703
- CAN YOU PUT THAT OUT?
91
00:04:42,733 --> 00:04:44,803
- NATHAN, SHUT UP.
92
00:04:44,833 --> 00:04:46,103
- YOU DON'T SMOKE.
93
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:47,673
- WELL, I DO NOW.
94
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:50,370
- [coughing]
95
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,830
- WHEN DID YOU
START SMOKING?
96
00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:53,197
- THIS IS MY FIRST ONE.
97
00:04:53,233 --> 00:04:54,433
- WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
98
00:04:54,467 --> 00:04:57,067
YOU'RE 45.
NO ONE STARTS SMOKING AT 45.
99
00:04:57,067 --> 00:04:59,667
- LOOK, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD
OR MY STEP-DAD, ALL RIGHT?
100
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,170
SO I'LL DO AS I PLEASE,
101
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,770
AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO.
102
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:03,970
I'M SMOKING.
103
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,297
- PEOPLE SMOKE
BECAUSE THEY WANT,
104
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:08,103
LIKE, A PENIS IN THEIR MOUTH.
105
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:09,833
- WELL, I DIDN'T
NEED TO HEAR THAT,
106
00:05:09,867 --> 00:05:11,597
DID I, NATHAN?
107
00:05:11,633 --> 00:05:13,933
- SMOKING CAUSES CANCER,
YOU KNOW.
108
00:05:13,967 --> 00:05:15,727
- I REALLY LOVE
NON-SMOKERS.
109
00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:17,127
YOU KNOW,
THEY JUST MORALIZE.
110
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:19,827
- [coughing]
- THEY DON'T GET IT.
111
00:05:19,867 --> 00:05:21,567
- SHOW SOME CONSIDERATION.
112
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,070
- LOOK, I GOTTA PULL OVER
AND GET MORE SMOKES.
113
00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:25,127
- [coughs] I LIKED IT BETTER
114
00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:26,927
WHEN YOU USED
TO DRINK AND DRIVE.
115
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:34,967
[rock music]
116
00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,067
*
117
00:05:38,267 --> 00:05:40,267
- EXCUSE ME.
YOU GOT BURNED.
118
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:41,430
- I GOT BURNED?
119
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:42,427
- YOU'RE ON THE SHOW
YOU GOT BURNED.
120
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,767
SEE THE CAMERA?
- OKAY.
121
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:44,970
- WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU
ALL THE WAY
122
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:46,167
WHEN YOU TURNED THE CORNER
123
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:47,800
AND WALKED THE WHOLE WAY
DOWN THE SIDEWALK.
124
00:05:47,833 --> 00:05:50,473
SO WE GOT YOU.
- VERY GOOD.
125
00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:51,630
- WE BURNED YA!
126
00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:55,697
- SIR, YOU GOT BURNED.
127
00:05:55,733 --> 00:05:56,973
- OH, SORRY.
- YEAH, WE GOT--
128
00:05:57,067 --> 00:05:58,167
YOU GOT BURNED.
129
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,070
WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU
THE WHOLE WAY
130
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:01,770
FROM THE CORNER
WITH YOUR HELMET ON.
131
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:02,770
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
132
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,630
SEE THE CAMERA?
- OHH!
133
00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:07,597
- SO WE GOT YOU ON THE CAMERA,
SO YOU GOT BURNED.
134
00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:09,073
- OH, NICE.
135
00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:10,067
- RIGHT. HOW DO YOU FEEL?
136
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:12,067
- UM...
137
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,170
- WE JUST BURNED YOU.
YOU GOT BURNED.
138
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:15,670
YOU'RE ON THE SHOW
YOU GOT BURNED.
139
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,070
WE'VE BEEN TAPING YOU
THE WHOLE...
140
00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:21,227
EXCUSE ME.
YOU GOT BURNED.
141
00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:25,467
BUDDY, YOU'RE STILL
GETTIN' BURNED.
142
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,670
YOU GOT BURNED.
143
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,230
- WHY ARE YOU CHASING ME?
144
00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:30,097
- I'M NOT CHASING YOU.
I'M WALKING WITH YOU,
145
00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:31,733
AND YOU GOT BURNED.
SEE THAT CAMERA?
146
00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,067
- I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU MEAN.
147
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,200
- SEE THE CAMERA
RIGHT THERE?
148
00:06:34,233 --> 00:06:35,703
- YOU MEAN SOMEBODY
TOOK MY PICTURE?
149
00:06:35,733 --> 00:06:37,203
- EXACTLY, THE WHOLE WAY--
150
00:06:37,233 --> 00:06:39,303
- THERE'S THOUSANDS OF CAMERAS
ALL OVER THIS [bleep] CITY
151
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:40,833
TAKING YOUR PICTURE
ALL THE TIME.
152
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:43,797
- YEAH, BUT THEY'RE
NOT YOU GOT BURNED CAMERAS.
153
00:06:43,833 --> 00:06:45,633
THERE'S THE CAMERA RIGHT THERE.
- OKAY.
154
00:06:45,667 --> 00:06:46,897
- SO YOU GOT BURNED.
155
00:06:46,933 --> 00:06:48,133
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
156
00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:49,297
- IT MEANS
YOU GOT BURNED.
157
00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:50,973
LIKE, WE GOT YOU ON CAMERA
THE WHOLE TIME
158
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:52,527
YOU WERE WALKING.
159
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:53,527
SO WE BURNED YOU.
160
00:06:53,567 --> 00:06:54,867
WE GOT YOU.
161
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:58,070
- I FEEL LIKE YOU NEED
TO DO MORE TO BURN SOMEBODY.
162
00:06:58,067 --> 00:07:00,167
- NO, NO, WE DON'T.
163
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,070
[rock music]
164
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:07,897
- [coughing]
165
00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:10,073
- UGH.
166
00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:12,067
- [coughing]
167
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:15,070
[door chime beeps]
168
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:18,767
[woman singing
in French on car stereo]
169
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,130
- HEY, MAN,
YOU GOT A LIGHT?
170
00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:24,567
- UM, YEAH.
171
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:27,830
- THANKS, SPORT.
172
00:07:27,867 --> 00:07:29,097
FREEDOM MAN, HUH?
173
00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,433
- OH, YEAH, I LOVE 'EM.
174
00:07:30,467 --> 00:07:31,727
- I LIVE FOR FREEDOM.
- [laughs]
175
00:07:31,767 --> 00:07:33,367
YEAH, ME TOO.
176
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,570
- SO, UH,
WHAT DO YOU DO, MAN?
177
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,600
- UH...
178
00:07:37,633 --> 00:07:38,973
UH, I HAVE A TV SHOW.
179
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,097
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
180
00:07:40,133 --> 00:07:41,173
IT'S STUPID.
181
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,200
- ALL RIGHT.
182
00:07:42,233 --> 00:07:43,803
HEY, YOU SEEM PRETTY COOL.
183
00:07:43,833 --> 00:07:45,073
YOU TIED DOWN RIGHT NOW?
184
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,630
YOU WANT TO
COME HANG WITH US?
185
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,197
[song continuing]
186
00:07:49,233 --> 00:07:51,333
- JON!
187
00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:52,727
TIME IS MONEY. LET'S GO.
188
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,427
[snapping]
189
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,867
[Super 8 camera rolling]
190
00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,700
- UM, I--I SHOULDN'T.
191
00:07:58,733 --> 00:07:59,773
HI.
192
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,200
- I UNDERSTAND.
193
00:08:01,233 --> 00:08:07,203
I JUST FIGURED SINCE...
WELL, YOU KNOW.
194
00:08:07,233 --> 00:08:08,703
- YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL.
195
00:08:08,733 --> 00:08:10,373
- I LIKE THIS ATTITUDE.
196
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,230
- WHY NOT, RIGHT?
197
00:08:12,267 --> 00:08:13,327
I'M GONNA COME WITH YOU.
198
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,567
- ALL RIGHT!
- WHOO!
199
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,630
- HI, I'M JON. HI.
200
00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:16,627
- WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?
201
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:17,867
- JON!
202
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:19,700
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
203
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:22,633
[woman singing upbeat
pop song in French]
204
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:30,397
*
205
00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:32,073
[continues in French]
206
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:40,070
*
207
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,470
- THE ANSWER IS YES.
208
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:14,100
- * HE SMOKED A PIPE
209
00:09:14,133 --> 00:09:16,773
[mysterious music]
210
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:17,770
- YOU DON'T SMOKE.
211
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,330
- WELL, I DO NOW.
212
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:21,267
- HEY, MAN,
YOU GOT A LIGHT?
213
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:23,330
YOU WANT TO
COME HANG WITH US?
214
00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:24,597
- JON!
215
00:09:24,633 --> 00:09:27,173
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
216
00:09:32,967 --> 00:09:35,927
[rock music playing]
217
00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:44,067
*
218
00:09:58,633 --> 00:09:59,603
- WELCOME.
219
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,373
MAY I TAKE YOUR PICTURE?
220
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,270
- UM, SURE.
221
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:04,300
- I'M MIKE.
222
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:05,473
- I'M JON.
- I KNOW.
223
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:06,870
COME.
224
00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:14,033
- OH. OH, WOW.
225
00:10:14,067 --> 00:10:15,197
YOU'RE A PRO.
226
00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,473
WOW.
227
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,200
YES. LOVING IT.
228
00:10:18,233 --> 00:10:19,203
BEAUTIFUL.
229
00:10:19,233 --> 00:10:20,733
NICE. OH, YEAH.
230
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:22,167
THAT'S HOT.
231
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,800
WOW.
232
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:26,303
UH-HUH. YES.
233
00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:27,933
WONDERFUL. YES.
234
00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:30,427
[sound muffled,
heart beating]
235
00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,467
VERY NICE. YES.
236
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,997
- [normal volume]
EXCUSE ME.
237
00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:44,070
HELLO.
238
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,830
- [speaks French]
239
00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:47,427
- CIGARETTE?
240
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:51,367
YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.
241
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,900
- MM.
242
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,230
I'M JON.
243
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:58,667
- HUH?
244
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,630
- MY NAME IS JON.
- AH.
245
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,333
- I ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH.
246
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,270
- OOH.
247
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,270
[soft piano music]
248
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:27,270
*
249
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:30,400
- OH.
WE HAVEN'T MADE LOVE YET.
250
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,197
UH, WE COULD MAKE LOVE.
251
00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:34,233
- NO.
252
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:39,127
- I COULD BE THE FATHER
THAT YOU'VE NEVER HAD...
253
00:11:39,167 --> 00:11:40,267
SEX WITH.
254
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,370
NOTHING. THAT WAS STUPID.
255
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,930
UM, STAY WITH ME.
256
00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:49,503
[sighs]
257
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,933
DO YOU LOVE HIM?
258
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,467
I LOVE YOU.
259
00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:04,133
I'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH.
260
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,197
- NO.
- YES.
261
00:12:05,233 --> 00:12:06,403
- NO.
- YES.
262
00:12:06,433 --> 00:12:09,073
- NO.
- YOU READY?
263
00:12:12,233 --> 00:12:13,803
- [soft groan]
264
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,933
- AHH! AHH!
265
00:12:15,967 --> 00:12:17,497
ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF.
266
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,827
WAIT. WAIT.
267
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:31,697
OKAY.
268
00:12:57,633 --> 00:13:00,503
MAKE ME AN EGG.
269
00:13:00,533 --> 00:13:02,303
- NO.
- I'M HUNGRY.
270
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,530
- THIS IS A STOVE.
271
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:11,173
MAKE LOVE TO ME.
272
00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:15,197
MAKE LOVE TO ME,
THEN LEAVE.
273
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:19,530
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU ACTUALLY DID IT.
274
00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:28,127
ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM?
275
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:36,397
OH, RIGHT.
276
00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:38,773
BUT IT WAS GOOD
THAT WE MADE LOVE.
277
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:41,700
I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOOD.
278
00:13:44,933 --> 00:13:46,803
GUESS I'LL LOCK UP.
279
00:13:46,833 --> 00:13:48,073
[door closes]
280
00:13:49,267 --> 00:13:54,367
[cell phone rings]
281
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,600
HELLO?
282
00:13:55,633 --> 00:13:57,633
- HEY, JON.
IT'S DAVE.
283
00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:59,067
- OH, HI, DAVE.
284
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:00,527
- YEAH, HOW ARE
YOUR NEW FRIENDS?
285
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:01,627
- THEY'RE GREAT.
286
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:03,127
THEY'RE MORE INTERESTING
THAN YOU.
287
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:04,127
- HA HA.
288
00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:05,397
ARE YOU STILL SMOKING?
289
00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:07,203
- UM, ARE YOU
STILL WEARING COLOGNE?
290
00:14:07,233 --> 00:14:08,273
YES, I AM, DAVE.
291
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:09,770
I'M DOING IT
RIGHT NOW, ACTUALLY,
292
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,870
AND I LOVE IT,
293
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:12,200
AND IT'S CHANGED MY LIFE.
294
00:14:12,233 --> 00:14:14,603
I'VE FOUND LOVE,
ALL BECAUSE I SMOKE.
295
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:16,833
- JON, THIS IS
ALL AN ILLUSION, OKAY?
296
00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:17,927
YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES.
297
00:14:17,967 --> 00:14:19,267
YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OFF
WILLY-NILLY
298
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,400
AND SMOKE YOURSELF
TO DEATH.
299
00:14:20,433 --> 00:14:22,103
- DON'T LECTURE ME, DAVE, OKAY?
300
00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:23,373
I'M TOTALLY FREE NOW.
301
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,630
I'M A SMOKER.
302
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:26,697
- JON, DON'T BE A PRICK.
303
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:27,933
WHEN ARE YOU
COMING BACK?
304
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,367
- I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
305
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,600
THE SMOKE MUST BE GETTING
IN THE WAY OF THE SIGNAL.
306
00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:33,603
- JON, COME BACK.
I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.
307
00:14:33,633 --> 00:14:34,933
JON, MEET ME
AT THE COMPOUND.
308
00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:36,627
- DAVE!
[phone beeps]
309
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,697
[chuckles]
310
00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:39,773
- [growls]
311
00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:44,303
- THE END OF THE WORLD.
312
00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:47,703
THE ARE A MYRIAD OF THEORIES
ON HOW AND WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN.
313
00:14:47,733 --> 00:14:50,833
HERE ON THE COMPOUND
OF MEZEA MINISTRIES,
314
00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:54,827
REVEREND ROCCO JANSON SAYS
HE HAS A SPECIAL INSIGHT.
315
00:14:54,867 --> 00:14:57,227
UNLIKE MOST,
HE CLAIMS WITH CERTAINTY
316
00:14:57,267 --> 00:15:00,627
TO KNOW EXACTLY
WHEN THE WORLD WILL END.
317
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,627
- [burps] TODAY.
318
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:04,697
- THE WORLD
IS GONNA END TODAY?
319
00:15:04,733 --> 00:15:08,333
- TODAY, LATER--SIXISH OR SO.
320
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:09,427
YOU MIND IF I SMOKE?
321
00:15:09,467 --> 00:15:11,667
- I ACTUALLY SMOKE AS WELL.
322
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,230
- OH. GREAT.
323
00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:15,797
- FREEDOM LIGHTS.
THAT'S MY BRAND ALSO.
324
00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:18,603
- UH, YEAH, I'VE BEEN
SMOKIN' FREEDOMS FOR YEARS.
325
00:15:18,633 --> 00:15:20,773
- I'VE SMOKED
FOR ABOUT TWO WEEKS.
326
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,130
- LOLLIPOP?
327
00:15:22,167 --> 00:15:24,327
- UM, I THINK
IF I'M SMOKING,
328
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,897
I MIGHT JUST DO THAT,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
329
00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:28,203
- I GET 'EM BOTH GOIN'.
330
00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:30,373
THE SWEET AND THE SMOKY,
331
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,430
JUST LIKE
MY BARBECUE SAUCE.
332
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:34,967
- YOU MAKE
YOUR OWN BARBECUE SAUCE?
333
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,667
- YEAH.
ROCCO'S HOLY MOLEY.
334
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:37,700
- HOLY MOLEY.
- GET IT?
335
00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:38,703
- YES, I DO.
336
00:15:38,733 --> 00:15:40,273
- AFTER HOLY AND MOLEY.
337
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,330
- YOU HAVE A MOLE.
338
00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,727
- WE'RE GONNA BE ENJOYING
IT TODAY
339
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:45,067
AT THE CELEBRATION.
340
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:47,067
- THE CELEBRATION?
- WE'RE CELEBRATING.
341
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:50,867
WELL, I SUPPOSE FOR A, UH,
NON-BELIEVER SUCH AS YOURSELF,
342
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:55,630
THE END OF THE WORLD
IS A HORRIFYING, UH,
343
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:57,197
NIGHTMARE.
344
00:15:57,233 --> 00:16:00,603
BUT FOR US
IN MEZEA MINISTRIES,
345
00:16:00,633 --> 00:16:02,203
IT'S A CELEBRATION.
346
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:04,473
WE'RE ALL GOING
TO THE NEXT PLATFORM.
347
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:06,300
- HOW DO YOU KNOW
THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN?
348
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,373
- BECAUSE I'VE RECEIVED
THE MESSAGES, JON.
349
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,130
- MM-HMM. WHAT
IF THE MESSAGES YOU RECEIVE
350
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,667
ARE INCORRECT?
IS THAT POSSIBLE?
351
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:13,730
- NEVER.
- MM-HMM.
352
00:16:13,767 --> 00:16:16,727
WHAT ABOUT AUGUST 9, 1998?
353
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,127
- OH HO HO HO.
354
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,297
OH, JOY!
355
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:26,103
IN A FEW HOURS,
EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED.
356
00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:27,503
HA HA!
357
00:16:27,533 --> 00:16:29,473
BY A SOLAR FLARE!
358
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:33,070
RAISE A FOOT
IF YOU BELIEVE ME!
359
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,130
OHH! SWITCH!
360
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:39,767
WELL, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T
GET IT RIGHT THAT TIME,
361
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,070
UM, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
362
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,767
GET THE END OF THE WORLD
RIGHT EVERY TIME.
363
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,170
- WELL, THERE WERE
THE FOUR PREDICTIONS LAST YEAR,
364
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,830
NONE OF WHICH--
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
365
00:16:48,867 --> 00:16:49,967
MAYBE THEY WEREN'T.
366
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:52,597
MAYBE THE WORLD DID END
A LITTLE BIT EACH TIME.
367
00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:53,773
I HAVE TO GO.
368
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,730
WE HAVE OUR CELEBRATION,
369
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:58,067
AND, UH, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR THIS INTERVIEW.
370
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,830
AND ALSO, YOU'RE INVITED
TO OUR CELEBRATION,
371
00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:02,667
BECAUSE WE'RE
ABOUT POSITIVE ENERGY
372
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,130
AND MOVING ON
TO THE NEXT PLATFORM,
373
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:05,527
AND I HOPE
YOU'LL SOON JOIN US
374
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:06,597
AND SEE THE TRUTH.
375
00:17:06,633 --> 00:17:08,073
- SO THE INTERVIEW'S OVER.
376
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:09,300
- IT'S NOT OVER.
I HAVE TO GO.
377
00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:11,603
- WELL, THAT SORT OF
MEANS THE SAME THING.
378
00:17:11,633 --> 00:17:12,833
- I HOPE YOU'LL MAKE IT.
379
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:14,367
- NO, I'M VERY BUSY
TONIGHT. I CAN'T.
380
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,930
BUT THANK YOU FOR--
381
00:17:16,967 --> 00:17:18,467
BRIGITTE?
- JON?
382
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,130
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
383
00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:23,697
- [speaking French]
384
00:17:23,733 --> 00:17:26,133
- THIS IS THE GUY
YOU COME AND SEE?
385
00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:30,097
WHAT ABOUT ME?
386
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:42,067
- SEE YA, SUCKER.
387
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,267
GET IT?
388
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:46,270
[somber music]
389
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:54,300
*
390
00:18:00,633 --> 00:18:02,173
- HEY, END OF THE WORLD
TONIGHT.
391
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,530
- YEAH, I KNOW.
392
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,330
- END OF THE WORLD TONIGHT.
393
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:09,567
- YEAH, I HEARD.
394
00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:19,397
[coughing]
395
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:24,433
[bell ringing]
396
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:30,127
[dramatic music]
397
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:38,167
*
398
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:51,470
[upbeat pop music
playing inside]
399
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:55,070
*
400
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:58,667
- * THERE'S A GROOVY LITTLE
HANGOUT WHERE THE KIDS ALL GO *
401
00:18:58,700 --> 00:18:59,870
- WHOO!
402
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:01,630
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD,
YOU KNOW.
403
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:03,067
LET'S DO IT.
404
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:04,397
LET'S DRINK ALL OUR PUNCH
405
00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:05,933
AND EAT
ALL OUR GOLDFISH.
406
00:19:05,967 --> 00:19:09,227
THERE'S NO TOMORROW,
I PROMISE.
407
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:10,297
- * SHE SO PRETTY
AND SHE MOVES SO-- *
408
00:19:10,333 --> 00:19:12,773
- YOU!
[needle scratches across record]
409
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,170
YOU'RE A FRAUD.
410
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,570
THIS IS ALL BULL[bleep].
411
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,570
LOOK AT YOU ALL
IN YOUR STUPID WHITE ROBES
412
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,300
AND YOUR LAME PARTY
AND YOUR CUPCAKES.
413
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,073
IT'S A JOKE, ROCCO.
414
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,300
- [speaking French]
415
00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:30,433
- STOP TALKING, BRIGITTE.
416
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:31,467
I DON'T EVEN
UNDERSTAND FRENCH.
417
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,070
I JUST LIKE
THE WAY IT SOUNDS.
418
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,970
- IT'S OKAY, BRIGITTE.
JON IS IN PAIN.
419
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,797
JON, I UNDERSTAND
YOUR PAIN.
420
00:19:37,833 --> 00:19:39,903
YOU CAME HERE,
YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL,
421
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,373
YOU DON'T EVEN
SPEAK HER LANGUAGE,
422
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,470
THEN YOU ACCUSE ME
OF BEING A FRAUD.
423
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:46,530
WHAT, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
WRONG 17 TIMES?
424
00:19:46,567 --> 00:19:48,167
- YES, THAT'S WHY.
425
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,600
- BUT YOU DON'T SEE
THE WHOLE PICTURE, MAN!
426
00:19:51,633 --> 00:19:55,403
NO, WE ALL GO THROUGH LIFE
WITH SELFISH DESIRES,
427
00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:58,603
BUT WE MUSTN'T LET OURSELVES
BE LED THROUGH LIFE BY THEM.
428
00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:02,133
CHRIS, MARIE,
429
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:06,467
ROB--RICK, RICK.
430
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:09,230
FOR THIS WORLD
ENDS FOR EVERYONE!
431
00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:12,367
"PITY THE WORLD!
432
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,200
"LET THIS GLUTTON BE...
433
00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:19,073
both:
"TO EAT THE WORLD'S DUE...
434
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:22,470
BY THE GRAVE AND THEE."
435
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:26,030
[loud rumbling, screaming]
436
00:20:28,933 --> 00:20:32,003
- WOW. YOU REALLY
WENT ALL OUT THIS TIME, ROCCO.
437
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:36,433
[screaming]
438
00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:39,027
- IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME, JON!
439
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:40,867
- WHAT'S HAPPENING, ROCCO?
440
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,730
[explosion]
AAH!
441
00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:58,067
Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com
442
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:11,233
* HE SMOKED A PIPE, OH
443
00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:13,967
*
444
00:21:14,067 --> 00:21:18,897
* HE SMOKED A PIPE
445
00:21:18,933 --> 00:21:26,933
*
29007
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