Original subtitles

- TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...

CAN WE DO BETTER THAN 911?

SOMEONE THINKS WE CAN.

THIS DAYTIME TALK SHOW HOST

TOPPED THE RATINGS WITH HER LATEST GUEST,

BUT IS HIS STORY TRUE?

WE'LL HEAR THE INCREDIBLE STORY OF OLIVER,

AN APE WHO WAS RAISED BY HUMANS IN BRITAIN,

AND THEN RETURNED TO THE JUNGLE,

WHERE HE WAS IMMEDIATELY MURDERED

BY A SHREWDNESS OF APES.

ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

[dramatic music]

- [straining]

- [sighs]

[bomb beeping]

female news anchor: WHAT YOU ARE WATCHING NOW

IS A LIVE SHOT OF A FOOT CHASE

HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IN DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES.

male news anchor: THE POLICE HAVE BEEN,

FOR MORE THAN TWO HOURS NOW,

IN PURSUIT OF AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN

WITH BANDAGES ON HIS FACE AND HEAD.

female news anchor: WELL, THEY JUST CAN'T SEEM

TO CATCH THIS GUY.

HE'S REALLY MOVING WITH SOME INCREDIBLE AGILITY,

USING SOME UNIQUE URBAN MANEUVERING TECHNIQUES.

male news anchor: RON, IS THERE ANY INFORMATION

AS TO WHY THIS GUY IS RUNNING FROM THE POLICE?

helicopter reporter: NOTHING DEFINITIVE SO FAR, TODD.

BUT, OH, HERE'S A POLICE CAR BLOCKING THE ALLEY.

DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA BE ENOUGH TO STOP

AND EXPERIENCED PRACTITIONER OF PARKOUR.

female new anchor: THIS GUY IS LIKE A CAT,

AND NO OBSTRUCTION SEEMS TO DETER HIM.

male news anchor: OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE UPDATES

ON THE FOOT CHASE AS IT UNFOLDS.

[ominous music]

[cell phone rings]

*

[cell phone rings and vibrates]

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[rings and vibrates]

*

[rings and vibrates]

*

[rings and vibrates]

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[rings and vibrates]

*

[rings and vibrates]

*

[rings and vibrates]

- [groaning]

[stops phone ringing]

- WHAT TIME IS IT?

- OH, MY GOD, IT'S 3:45.

- [bleep].

THAT WAS DAVE CALLING.

- WE'RE, LIKE, SIX HOURS LATE.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- WE COULD TELL HIM WE'RE SICK.

- NO.

WE'LL GET IN HUGE TROUBLE FOR THAT.

- I AM SICK.

- I GOTTA THINK.

I GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING.

voice on radio: AMERICA TAUGHT THE BLACK PEOPLE

TO BE VIOLENT.

WE WILL USE THAT VIOLENCE... [toilet flushes]

- THANKS FOR THE PARTY, JON.

[marker squeaking]

- HEY, I GOT A PLAN.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN POUR ACID IN YOUR FACE.

- DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF WORK TODAY OR NOT?

JUST DON'T GET IT IN MY EYES.

AND THEN AFTER--WAIT.

AFTER, I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL,

YOU GUYS PAINT SATANIC STUFF ALL OVER THE VAN,

THEN GO DITCH IT.

- RIGHT. - OKAY?

WE READY? - YES.

- ALL RIGHT.

REMEMBER, NOT IN THE EYES.

[shrieking]

AAH! YOU HAVE TO CATCH THAT.

THAT WAS...OH, MAN.

- SO, MR. BENJAMIN, HOW MANY PEOPLE ATTACKED YOU?

- OH, WELL, FOUR...

UH, MAYBE MORE. EIGHT?

OR LESS. THREE.

LIKE I SAID, I COULDN'T REALLY SEE MUCH

'CAUSE OF HOW QUICKLY IT ALL HAPPENED,

BUT THEY WERE DEFINITELY BLACK SATANISTS.

- AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY WERE BLACK SATANISTS?

- WELL, FOR ONE, THEY WERE BLACK.

NO OFFENSE.

BUT THEY WERE, UH, CHANTING

SATAN-RELATED THINGS THE WHOLE TIME

DURING THE ATTACK.

- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE, YOU KNOW, CHANTING,

"MMM-MMM, SATAN," STUFF LIKE THAT.

AND THEN THERE WAS A PENTAGRAM.

AND THEN THEY POURED ACID ON MY FACE,

WHICH WAS CLEARLY PART OF THEIR RITUAL.

- RITUAL?

- OH, YEAH, THE WHOLE THING WAS A SATANIC RITUAL.

THAT'S WHY THEY WERE THERE.

THEN THEY RAN OUT AND STOLE MY VAN,

AND NOW I DON'T HAVE A VAN,

SO I CAN'T DO MY SHOW.

- DON'T WORRY. WE'LL RENT YOU A NEW VAN, JON.

- NO, DAVE! WE CAN'T RENT A NEW VAN!

I NEED MY VAN!

- WELL, WE'RE GONNA DO EVERYTHING WE CAN

TO GET YOUR VAN BACK, MR. BENJAMIN.

- THANK YOU, OFFICER.

WE GOTTA GET THESE BLACK SATANISTS WHO DID THIS.

[poignant piano music]

*

- I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I HAVE A VAN MYSELF,

AND IF ANYONE EVEN PUT A SCRATCH ON IT, I'D...

- THOSE WORDS MEAN A LOT, OFFICER.

MY FACE, I CAN GET A NEW ONE,

BUT MY VAN...

MY VAN WAS ONE OF A KIND.

- I UNDERSTAND.

- I--I'M CRYING.

- YOU DO THAT.

- OH, MY FACE.

I BETTER REST.

[video game sound effects]

- IT'S THE STORY THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION.

HOST JON BENJAMIN WAS THE VICTIM

OF A VICIOUS, RACIALLY MOTIVATED ACID ATTACK

BY WHAT HE DESCRIBED AS BLACK SATANISTS.

- STILL NO SIGN OF JON BENJAMIN'S VAN.

- POLICE HAVE SET UP ROAD BLOCKS

AND ARE STOPPING AFRICAN-AMERICANS

AND SATANISTS WHO ARE DRIVING VANS.

- [speaking Japanese]

both: BLACK SATANISTS, MISSING VAN.

[conversation inaudible]

- GO. LET'S GO, GO, GO.

EXCUSE ME. HI. HELLO.

- HI.

- I'M JON BENJAMIN FROM CONSENSUAL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?

- MY NAME IS HAROLD.

- HAROLD? AND YOUR NAME?

- STEPHANIE.

- STEPHANIE AND HAROLD.

I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T MIND.

YOU TWO HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER?

- UM, YEAH.

- OUR INVESTIGATORS HAVE TAKEN FOOTAGE

OF YOU TWO EATING TOGETHER FOR THE PAST FIVE, SIX MINUTES.

- ALL RIGHT.

- THERE IS YOU ORDERING YOUR WINE.

THERE'S THE WAITER LEAVING FROM EARLIER.

HERE YOU ARE GETTING YOUR WINE DELIVERED,

CLINKING GLASSES,

HAVING A NICE CONVERSATION TOGETHER.

- MM-HMM.

- ARE YOU TWO INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP?

- YEAH. - YES.

- YOU ARE? - WE ARE.

- WE'RE MARRIED. - YOU'RE MARRIED?

IS IT A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP?

- YEAH, WE'RE-- - WE'RE MARRIED.

- WE'RE MARRIED. WE JUST...

- AGAIN, YOU TWO HOLDING HANDS.

- RIGHT.

- TALKING, ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

AND IT'S CONSENSUAL, CORRECT?

- YES, IT'S CONSENSUAL. - WE'RE MARRIED.

- YOU'RE MARRIED, AND IT'S CONSENSUAL?

- WE JUST TOLD YOU THAT.

- CONSENSUAL.

- BLACK SATANISTS-- WHO ARE THEY,

AND CAN THEY CAUSE HARM TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?

[soft theme music]

[applause]

HERE WITH US TONIGHT IS JON BENJAMIN.

HE WAS JUST RECENTLY RELEASED OUT OF A HOSPITAL

AFTER HAVING ACID THROWN IN HIS FACE

AS PART OF A BLACK SATANIC RITUAL.

[audience reacts]

JON, WHY DO YOU THINK THAT THEY CHOSE YOU

TO DO THIS TO?

- TO BE HONEST, ALEX, I HAVE NO IDEA.

LOOK, I'M NOT SOMEBODY WHO WANTS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF STIRRING UP RACIAL TENSIONS.

MAY I?

- OH, PLEASE.

- WHAT YOU DO IS REPREHENSIBLE.

I HAVE NO FACE.

AND I SWEAR TO GOD

IN EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING,

IF YOU DO ONE THING TO HARM MY VAN,

I WILL COME HUNT YOU DOWN.

[applause]

BRING MY VAN BACK!

[cheers and applause]

BRING IT BACK!

[soft theme music]

- LOOK OUT, BLACK SATANISTS.

AMERICA IS WATCHING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[poignant music]

*

- GET BACK, SATAN.

AS FOR MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

TURN YOUR BACK ON THE DEVIL.

WALK AWAY FROM THE DEVIL

AND WALK TO THE LIGHT OF THE LORD.

WALK WITH THIS MAN...

WITH THIS MAN AND HIS VAN, O LORD, WE PRAY.

RETURN THIS VAN TO US.

RETURN THIS VAN TO US THIS DAY, O LORD.

- THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAN ANOTHER EXAMPLE

OF WHITES SCAPEGOATING BLACKS IN THIS TOWN.

[overlapping shouting]

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT!

- YOU'RE CALLING ME A RACIST! - THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!

- SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT HERE!

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT!

- HEY! WE'VE GOT SOMETHING OVER HERE!

- AH, IT'S THE WRONG VAN.

[all groaning]

- FRUSTRATION AND MORE FRUSTRATION

IN THE SEARCH FOR THE MISSING VAN.

BUT VOLUNTEERS VOW TO CONTINUE SEARCHING

THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.

THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OF THIS...

[cell phone ringing]

IS THE HUGE OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT

FOR JON BENJAMIN DURING THIS TIME OF CRISIS.

- WHAT?

- JON, ARE YOU WATCHING THE NEWS?

- YES, I AM, IN MY LIMO.

- I'M GETTING WORRIED.

- ME TOO, JON.

THIS WHOLE THING IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

IT'S BAD.

- BAD? THIS IS GREAT.

I GOT $50,000 WORTH OF DONATIONS HERE.

ALL RIGHT? WE'RE RICH.

- I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE'RE DOING SOMETHING AWFUL.

- LOOK, IT'S NOT US, NATHAN, ALL RIGHT?

THERE ARE A TON OF RACIST FEAR MONGERS OUT THERE.

IT'S THEM.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IF YOU HADN'T MADE THIS UP,

IT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

- DID YOU GET THE LOBSTERS FOR THE AFTER-PARTY?

- YEAH. I GOT 'EM RIGHT HERE.

- GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE MOTEL.

HEY, BY THE WAY, WHERE'D YOU DITCH THE VAN?

- DON'T WORRY. NO ONE WILL EVER FIND IT.

- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I GOTTA GO.

I GOT A TAPING. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE AFTER PARTY.

- JON! JON!

- HUH?

- WE LOVE YOU, JON. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, LARRY.

[crowd screaming]

- CAN YOU SIGN THIS?

- SURE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- HEY, I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR VAN, MAN.

- HEY, I APPRECIATE THAT. HI, HOW ARE YOU?

- STAY STRONG, JON.

- WE'RE PRAYIN' FOR YOUR VAN, JON.

[ominous music]

*

- WHEN YOU CALL JON BENJAMIN'S 911,

I WILL PERSONALLY FIELD YOUR CALL...

JON BENJAMIN'S 911. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?

COLLECT ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION...

HOW'D YOU CUT IT?

EESH.

THEN IMMEDIATELY PASS IT ON TO REGULAR 911,

WHO WILL PROMPTLY DISPATCH EMERGENCY SERVICE.

OKAY.

YEP. CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE,

[telephone rings]

JON BENJAMIN'S 911. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?

YES?

OKAY, RELAX. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MELISSA.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. WELL, HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO, OKAY?

I'M GONNA CALL 911 RIGHT NOW.

YOU GOTTA GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS.

300 [bleep] DRIVE.

IS THAT A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT?

OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR APARTMENT NUMBER?

THANKS FOR THE CALL. HANG IN THERE.

[line ringing]

- YEAH, HEY. IT'S JON FROM JON BENJAMIN'S 911.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

UH, NEED AN AMBULANCE, 300 [bleep] DRIVE,

APARTMENT 9B.

THERE'S A GUY, UM...

UH, HAVING A HEART ATTACK OR CHEST PAINS,

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

JON BENJAMIN'S 911.

NO MORE FUSS,

NO MORE TENSION,

100% RESULTS.

[upbeat electronic music, cheers and applause]

male announcer: [French accent] TONIGHT ON CELEBRITY PARKOUR,

ACID ATTACK VICTIM

AND MISSING VAN OWNER JON BENJAMIN

TAKES ON THREE OF HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST CELEBRITIES.

- HAIL, BLACK SATAN.

- [screaming]

AAH! HO HO!

ANYWAY, OFFICERS, IT WAS AWFUL.

- DID YOU RECOGNIZE THE ASSAILANT?

- OH, YEAH, IT WAS A BLACK SATANIST.

- SO ANOTHER BLACK SATANIST THREW ACID INTO YOUR FACE.

THAT'S, UH-- THAT'S TWICE IN ONE WEEK.

- LESS THAN A WEEK.

- LOOK, THIS TIME IT REALLY HAPPENED, ALL RIGHT?

I OPENED THE DOOR...

- "THIS TIME, IT REALLY HAPPENED."

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I MEANT LIKE...

I GOT ACID POURED IN MY FACE,

SO I'M NOT THINKING STRAIGHT.

- WE'RE GONNA LOOK INTO THIS, MR. BENJAMIN.

- THANK YOU, OFFICER. I APPRECIATE IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT'S BEEN.

I MEAN, I LOST MY VAN AND THEN...

NOW THIS, AND THEN THE ACID.

I MEAN, IT'S...

[poignant piano music]

I'M CRYING AGAIN.

I'M CRYING.

OHH!

OH, I'M CRYING.

HEY, YOU GUYS READY?

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M JON BENJAMIN FROM THE SHOW CONSENSUAL.

CAN I SPEAK TO YOU, SIR?

- SURE. - OVER HERE IF YOU DON'T MIND.

EXCUSE US.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

I KNOW THIS IS A LITTLE AWKWARD,

AND I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO DO THIS.

OUR CAMERAS TOOK SOME SHOTS... - OH, THAT'S US.

- JUST AS YOU'RE PULLING IN TO THIS MOTEL.

AND THAT'S YOU AND... - CINDY.

- CINDY? - CINDY.

- AND CINDY IS...?

- UM, SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

- AND TAKING YOUR KEY OUT.

SHE'S TOUCHING THE SMALL OF YOUR BACK.

YOU'RE LAUGHING AND ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND? - YEAH.

- FOR HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN...

- FIVE...FIVE YEARS.

- FIVE YEARS? - YEAH.

- WHY ARE YOU GOING INTO A MOTEL ROOM TOGETHER

WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

- WE'RE STAYING HERE.

- AND THIS RELATIONSHIP IS CONSENSUAL?

- YEAH.

- I JUST SPOKE TO THAT GENTLEMAN OVER THERE.

HIS NAME IS...?

- JAY. - JAY.

IS THAT YOU AND JAY

COMING INTO THE MOTEL RIGHT NOW?

- WHY-- - MM-HMM.

- WHY DO YOU HAVE US ON TAPE?

- AND YOU'RE INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH THIS GENTLEMAN RIGHT HERE?

- OF COURSE.

- YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND?

- YES.

- I'M SORRY--

- ARE YOU A POLICEMAN OR SOMETHING?

- NO, I AM NOT, MA'AM. NO, I AM NOT.

THAT'S CONSENSUAL, THE RELATIONSHIP?

- OF COURSE.

- CONSENSUAL.

[poignant music] SO, JAY, HOW DID IT FEEL

WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THE NEWS

THAT YOU WERE INVOLVED IN A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP

WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

- WELL, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FIVE YEARS, AND...

- I'M SURE IT'S BEEN A PRETTY ROCKY...

10, 15 MINUTES FOR YOU.

- WE JUST CAME IN FROM SAN FRANCISCO.

WE'RE... - ALL I'M SAYING IS

IF I COULD GIVE ANY ADVICE TO YOU,

I WOULD BE LIKE--IF I WERE IN YOUR POSITION,

I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN LET ME COME INTO YOUR MOTEL ROOM.

- WELL--

- I WOULD HAVE STOPPED THIS TEN MINUTES AGO.

- WELL, I MEAN, JUST OUT OF COURTESY TO...

- YOU SEEM TO BE A GOOD GUY,

AND THAT'S A GOOD THING.

I JUST HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY.

- I-- - WELL, GOOD LUCK.

I HOPE IT WORKS OUT WITH YOU AND CINDY.

WE'RE GONNA GO.

BUT DON'T LET PEOPLE TAPE YOU IN PRIVATE MOMENTS.

IT'S ILLEGAL ALMOST.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT, 'CAUSE I'LL HAVE YOU SIGN A FORM,

BUT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ON THIS SHOW.

BYE, CINDY.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN POUR ACID IN YOUR FACE.

- JUST DO IT.

AFTER, I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL,

YOU GUYS PAINT SATANIC STUFF ALL OVER THE VAN,

THEN GO DITCH IT.

- HOST JON BENJAMIN WAS THE VICTIM

OF A VICIOUS, RACIALLY MOTIVATED ACID ATTACK.

- IF YOU DO ONE THING TO HARM MY VAN,

I WILL COME HUNT YOU DOWN.

WHERE'D YOU DITCH THE VAN?

- DON'T WORRY. NO ONE WILL EVER FIND IT.

- [sighs]

WHERE'D YOU FIND THE VAN, MA'AM?

- MY SON NATHAN SOLD IT TO ME.

- PLEASE STEP OUT OF THE VAN, MA'AM.

[poignant music]

PLEASE STEP OUT OF THE VAN, MA'AM.

*

- NICE AND EASY.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- JUST, UH, WALK TO THE BACK OF THE VEHICLE FOR US.

- JON BENJAMIN'S 911.

- OH...OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I CALLED, LIKE, TEN MINUTES AGO.

OH, [bleep]. ALL RIGHT, UM...

I SPOKE TO TWO DIFFERENT OPERATORS.

I CALLED TWICE, I SPOKE TO THEM.

THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE BY NOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON.

I'LL CALL 'EM AGAIN. LISTEN...

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CALL 911 AGAIN FOR YOU.

I'M JON BENJAMIN.

HANG IN THERE.

HERE'S JONNY BENJAMIN!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN'?

- YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

- WELL, YEAH.

I, UH...WELL--

- GET BACK HERE!

- THIS IS OFFICER MALLOY REQUESTING BACKUP.

WE GOT A RUNNER HEADED EASTWARD BOUND.

male news anchor: YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY, DENISE,

THE MAN RUNNING LOOKS A LOT LIKE JON BENJAMIN,

THE SAME MAN THAT HAD ACID THROWN IN HIS FACE

TWICE BY BLACK SATANISTS.

- IT REALLY DOES RESEMBLE HIM,

BUT WHY WOULD JON BENJAMIN BE RUNNING FROM THE POLICE?

WELL, WHOEVER IT IS,

IT IS CERTAINLY AMAZING

TO WATCH A SEASONED PRACTITIONER

OF PARKOUR MAKE HIS WAY ACROSS A CITYSCAPE.

- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

IT'S SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH,

DESPITE THE FAR-FROM-IDEAL CIRCUMSTANCES.

[upbeat electronic music]

*

[upbeat electronic music]

*

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com