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1
00:00:03,367 --> 00:00:04,827
- TONIGHT
ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...
2
00:00:04,867 --> 00:00:06,497
CAN WE DO BETTER THAN 911?
3
00:00:06,533 --> 00:00:08,373
SOMEONE THINKS WE CAN.
4
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,900
THIS DAYTIME TALK SHOW HOST
5
00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:11,833
TOPPED THE RATINGS
WITH HER LATEST GUEST,
6
00:00:11,867 --> 00:00:13,597
BUT IS HIS STORY TRUE?
7
00:00:13,633 --> 00:00:16,333
WE'LL HEAR THE INCREDIBLE STORY
OF OLIVER,
8
00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:19,067
AN APE WHO WAS RAISED
BY HUMANS IN BRITAIN,
9
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,470
AND THEN RETURNED
TO THE JUNGLE,
10
00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:22,070
WHERE HE WAS
IMMEDIATELY MURDERED
11
00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:24,000
BY A SHREWDNESS OF APES.
12
00:00:24,033 --> 00:00:27,633
ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S
JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.
13
00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:30,897
[dramatic music]
14
00:00:30,933 --> 00:00:33,333
- [straining]
15
00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:36,803
- [sighs]
16
00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:38,773
[bomb beeping]
17
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,170
female news anchor:
WHAT YOU ARE WATCHING NOW
18
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,800
IS A LIVE SHOT
OF A FOOT CHASE
19
00:00:55,833 --> 00:00:59,233
HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
IN DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES.
20
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,797
male news anchor:
THE POLICE HAVE BEEN,
21
00:01:00,833 --> 00:01:02,273
FOR MORE THAN TWO HOURS NOW,
22
00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:04,370
IN PURSUIT
OF AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN
23
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,300
WITH BANDAGES
ON HIS FACE AND HEAD.
24
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:08,933
female news anchor:
WELL, THEY JUST CAN'T SEEM
25
00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:10,297
TO CATCH THIS GUY.
26
00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:12,433
HE'S REALLY MOVING
WITH SOME INCREDIBLE AGILITY,
27
00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:16,067
USING SOME UNIQUE
URBAN MANEUVERING TECHNIQUES.
28
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:17,797
male news anchor:
RON, IS THERE ANY INFORMATION
29
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:20,073
AS TO WHY THIS GUY
IS RUNNING FROM THE POLICE?
30
00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:22,197
helicopter reporter: NOTHING
DEFINITIVE SO FAR, TODD.
31
00:01:22,233 --> 00:01:24,733
BUT, OH, HERE'S A POLICE CAR
BLOCKING THE ALLEY.
32
00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:26,527
DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA BE
ENOUGH TO STOP
33
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,527
AND EXPERIENCED PRACTITIONER
OF PARKOUR.
34
00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:30,067
female new anchor:
THIS GUY IS LIKE A CAT,
35
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:33,267
AND NO OBSTRUCTION
SEEMS TO DETER HIM.
36
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,130
male news anchor: OF COURSE,
WE'LL HAVE UPDATES
37
00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:38,067
ON THE FOOT CHASE
AS IT UNFOLDS.
38
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,597
[ominous music]
39
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,603
[cell phone rings]
40
00:01:42,633 --> 00:01:45,503
*
41
00:01:45,533 --> 00:01:47,533
[cell phone rings
and vibrates]
42
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,867
*
43
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:52,070
[rings and vibrates]
44
00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:54,327
*
45
00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:56,467
[rings and vibrates]
46
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,770
*
47
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,970
[rings and vibrates]
48
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:03,197
*
49
00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:05,403
[rings and vibrates]
50
00:02:05,433 --> 00:02:07,703
*
51
00:02:07,733 --> 00:02:09,833
[rings and vibrates]
52
00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:12,167
*
53
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,330
[rings and vibrates]
54
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:16,227
- [groaning]
55
00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:19,227
[stops phone ringing]
56
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:22,627
- WHAT TIME IS IT?
57
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:25,297
- OH, MY GOD,
IT'S 3:45.
58
00:02:25,333 --> 00:02:27,673
- [bleep].
59
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:29,430
THAT WAS DAVE CALLING.
60
00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:33,367
- WE'RE,
LIKE, SIX HOURS LATE.
61
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,700
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
62
00:02:35,733 --> 00:02:37,073
- WE COULD TELL HIM
WE'RE SICK.
63
00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:38,200
- NO.
64
00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:40,403
WE'LL GET IN HUGE TROUBLE
FOR THAT.
65
00:02:40,433 --> 00:02:42,303
- I AM SICK.
66
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:46,733
- I GOTTA THINK.
67
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,527
I GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING.
68
00:02:56,733 --> 00:02:58,603
voice on radio:
AMERICA TAUGHT THE BLACK PEOPLE
69
00:02:58,633 --> 00:03:00,173
TO BE VIOLENT.
70
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,400
WE WILL USE THAT VIOLENCE...
[toilet flushes]
71
00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,873
- THANKS
FOR THE PARTY, JON.
72
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:06,730
[marker squeaking]
73
00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:10,097
- HEY, I GOT A PLAN.
74
00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:11,873
- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN POUR
ACID IN YOUR FACE.
75
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,600
- DO YOU WANT TO GET
OUT OF WORK TODAY OR NOT?
76
00:03:13,633 --> 00:03:15,103
JUST DON'T GET IT
IN MY EYES.
77
00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:16,503
AND THEN AFTER--WAIT.
78
00:03:16,533 --> 00:03:18,873
AFTER,
I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL,
79
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,230
YOU GUYS PAINT SATANIC STUFF
ALL OVER THE VAN,
80
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:22,397
THEN GO DITCH IT.
81
00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:23,433
- RIGHT.
- OKAY?
82
00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:24,867
WE READY?
- YES.
83
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,270
- ALL RIGHT.
84
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,700
REMEMBER, NOT IN THE EYES.
85
00:03:27,733 --> 00:03:31,403
[shrieking]
86
00:03:31,433 --> 00:03:34,303
AAH!
YOU HAVE TO CATCH THAT.
87
00:03:35,933 --> 00:03:38,673
THAT WAS...OH, MAN.
88
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:41,730
- SO, MR. BENJAMIN,
HOW MANY PEOPLE ATTACKED YOU?
89
00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:44,897
- OH, WELL, FOUR...
90
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,473
UH, MAYBE MORE. EIGHT?
91
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,430
OR LESS. THREE.
92
00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:51,067
LIKE I SAID, I COULDN'T
REALLY SEE MUCH
93
00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:52,697
'CAUSE OF HOW QUICKLY
IT ALL HAPPENED,
94
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:56,103
BUT THEY WERE
DEFINITELY BLACK SATANISTS.
95
00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:59,473
- AND HOW DO YOU KNOW
THEY WERE BLACK SATANISTS?
96
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,970
- WELL, FOR ONE,
THEY WERE BLACK.
97
00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,597
NO OFFENSE.
98
00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:05,433
BUT THEY WERE,
UH, CHANTING
99
00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:07,767
SATAN-RELATED THINGS
THE WHOLE TIME
100
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,070
DURING THE ATTACK.
101
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,530
- LIKE WHAT?
102
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:11,697
- LIKE, YOU KNOW, CHANTING,
103
00:04:11,733 --> 00:04:14,273
"MMM-MMM, SATAN,"
STUFF LIKE THAT.
104
00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,970
AND THEN THERE WAS
A PENTAGRAM.
105
00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:18,067
AND THEN THEY POURED
ACID ON MY FACE,
106
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,327
WHICH WAS CLEARLY
PART OF THEIR RITUAL.
107
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:20,967
- RITUAL?
108
00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:22,797
- OH, YEAH, THE WHOLE THING
WAS A SATANIC RITUAL.
109
00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:25,233
THAT'S WHY THEY WERE THERE.
110
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,797
THEN THEY RAN OUT
AND STOLE MY VAN,
111
00:04:27,833 --> 00:04:30,203
AND NOW I DON'T HAVE
A VAN,
112
00:04:30,233 --> 00:04:31,603
SO I CAN'T DO MY SHOW.
113
00:04:31,633 --> 00:04:33,533
- DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL RENT YOU A NEW VAN, JON.
114
00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:36,497
- NO, DAVE!
WE CAN'T RENT A NEW VAN!
115
00:04:36,533 --> 00:04:37,773
I NEED MY VAN!
116
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,300
- WELL, WE'RE GONNA DO
EVERYTHING WE CAN
117
00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:41,373
TO GET YOUR VAN BACK,
MR. BENJAMIN.
118
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,630
- THANK YOU, OFFICER.
119
00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:45,567
WE GOTTA GET THESE
BLACK SATANISTS WHO DID THIS.
120
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,570
[poignant piano music]
121
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,370
*
122
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,470
- I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
123
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:54,470
THAT I HAVE
A VAN MYSELF,
124
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:58,170
AND IF ANYONE
EVEN PUT A SCRATCH ON IT, I'D...
125
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,530
- THOSE WORDS
MEAN A LOT, OFFICER.
126
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:05,867
MY FACE,
I CAN GET A NEW ONE,
127
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:08,370
BUT MY VAN...
128
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:12,070
MY VAN WAS ONE OF A KIND.
129
00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:14,127
- I UNDERSTAND.
130
00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:16,727
- I--I'M CRYING.
131
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:19,067
- YOU DO THAT.
132
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:21,630
- OH, MY FACE.
133
00:05:21,667 --> 00:05:23,467
I BETTER REST.
134
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:28,070
[video game
sound effects]
135
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:30,067
- IT'S THE STORY
THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION.
136
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,927
HOST JON BENJAMIN
WAS THE VICTIM
137
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:34,797
OF A VICIOUS,
RACIALLY MOTIVATED ACID ATTACK
138
00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:38,173
BY WHAT HE DESCRIBED
AS BLACK SATANISTS.
139
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,070
- STILL NO SIGN
OF JON BENJAMIN'S VAN.
140
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:41,567
- POLICE HAVE SET UP
ROAD BLOCKS
141
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,270
AND ARE STOPPING
AFRICAN-AMERICANS
142
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,070
AND SATANISTS
WHO ARE DRIVING VANS.
143
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:46,567
- [speaking Japanese]
144
00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:51,173
both:
BLACK SATANISTS, MISSING VAN.
145
00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:57,727
[conversation inaudible]
146
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,897
- GO.
LET'S GO, GO, GO.
147
00:06:11,433 --> 00:06:14,073
EXCUSE ME.
HI. HELLO.
148
00:06:14,067 --> 00:06:15,167
- HI.
149
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,570
- I'M JON BENJAMIN
FROM CONSENSUAL.
150
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:17,570
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?
151
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,630
- MY NAME IS HAROLD.
152
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:19,697
- HAROLD?
AND YOUR NAME?
153
00:06:19,733 --> 00:06:20,703
- STEPHANIE.
154
00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,273
- STEPHANIE AND HAROLD.
155
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:24,370
I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T MIND.
156
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,600
YOU TWO
HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER?
157
00:06:25,633 --> 00:06:26,933
- UM, YEAH.
158
00:06:26,967 --> 00:06:29,127
- OUR INVESTIGATORS
HAVE TAKEN FOOTAGE
159
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:32,467
OF YOU TWO EATING TOGETHER
FOR THE PAST FIVE, SIX MINUTES.
160
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:33,870
- ALL RIGHT.
161
00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:36,800
- THERE IS YOU
ORDERING YOUR WINE.
162
00:06:36,833 --> 00:06:39,603
THERE'S THE WAITER
LEAVING FROM EARLIER.
163
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,403
HERE YOU ARE
GETTING YOUR WINE DELIVERED,
164
00:06:42,433 --> 00:06:43,833
CLINKING GLASSES,
165
00:06:43,867 --> 00:06:45,827
HAVING A NICE CONVERSATION
TOGETHER.
166
00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:47,067
- MM-HMM.
167
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,967
- ARE YOU TWO INVOLVED
IN A RELATIONSHIP?
168
00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:51,127
- YEAH.
- YES.
169
00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:52,497
- YOU ARE?
- WE ARE.
170
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:54,203
- WE'RE MARRIED.
- YOU'RE MARRIED?
171
00:06:54,233 --> 00:06:56,203
IS IT
A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP?
172
00:06:56,233 --> 00:06:58,673
- YEAH, WE'RE--
- WE'RE MARRIED.
173
00:06:58,700 --> 00:06:59,670
- WE'RE MARRIED.
WE JUST...
174
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:02,870
- AGAIN,
YOU TWO HOLDING HANDS.
175
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,170
- RIGHT.
176
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,530
- TALKING,
ENJOYING YOURSELVES.
177
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:07,897
AND IT'S CONSENSUAL, CORRECT?
178
00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:09,773
- YES, IT'S CONSENSUAL.
- WE'RE MARRIED.
179
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,530
- YOU'RE MARRIED,
AND IT'S CONSENSUAL?
180
00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:12,897
- WE JUST TOLD YOU THAT.
181
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,903
- CONSENSUAL.
182
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,967
- BLACK SATANISTS--
WHO ARE THEY,
183
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:22,627
AND CAN THEY CAUSE HARM
TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?
184
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:25,197
[soft theme music]
185
00:07:25,233 --> 00:07:30,203
[applause]
186
00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:32,603
HERE WITH US TONIGHT
IS JON BENJAMIN.
187
00:07:32,633 --> 00:07:35,633
HE WAS JUST RECENTLY RELEASED
OUT OF A HOSPITAL
188
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:37,527
AFTER HAVING ACID
THROWN IN HIS FACE
189
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:39,627
AS PART OF
A BLACK SATANIC RITUAL.
190
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:40,897
[audience reacts]
191
00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:42,503
JON, WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT THEY CHOSE YOU
192
00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:43,933
TO DO THIS TO?
193
00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:46,727
- TO BE HONEST, ALEX,
I HAVE NO IDEA.
194
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:50,067
LOOK, I'M NOT SOMEBODY
WHO WANTS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
195
00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:52,827
OF STIRRING UP
RACIAL TENSIONS.
196
00:07:52,867 --> 00:07:54,527
MAY I?
197
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:55,697
- OH, PLEASE.
198
00:07:55,733 --> 00:07:57,603
- WHAT YOU DO
IS REPREHENSIBLE.
199
00:07:57,633 --> 00:07:59,903
I HAVE NO FACE.
200
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:02,427
AND I SWEAR TO GOD
201
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:05,067
IN EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING,
202
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:10,797
IF YOU DO ONE THING
TO HARM MY VAN,
203
00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:12,933
I WILL COME HUNT YOU DOWN.
204
00:08:12,967 --> 00:08:15,397
[applause]
205
00:08:15,433 --> 00:08:16,903
BRING MY VAN BACK!
206
00:08:16,933 --> 00:08:18,133
[cheers and applause]
207
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:19,797
BRING IT BACK!
208
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,133
[soft theme music]
209
00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:24,827
- LOOK OUT, BLACK SATANISTS.
210
00:08:24,867 --> 00:08:26,667
AMERICA IS WATCHING.
211
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,770
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
212
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,770
[poignant music]
213
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:39,730
*
214
00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,130
- GET BACK, SATAN.
215
00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:45,067
AS FOR
MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,
216
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,470
TURN YOUR BACK
ON THE DEVIL.
217
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:47,500
WALK AWAY FROM THE DEVIL
218
00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:49,073
AND WALK
TO THE LIGHT OF THE LORD.
219
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:50,497
WALK WITH THIS MAN...
220
00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:52,633
WITH THIS MAN
AND HIS VAN, O LORD, WE PRAY.
221
00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,067
RETURN THIS VAN TO US.
222
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:57,100
RETURN THIS VAN TO US
THIS DAY, O LORD.
223
00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:59,733
- THIS IS NOTHING
MORE THAN ANOTHER EXAMPLE
224
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:02,667
OF WHITES SCAPEGOATING
BLACKS IN THIS TOWN.
225
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,800
[overlapping shouting]
226
00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,303
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT!
227
00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,333
- YOU'RE CALLING ME A RACIST!
- THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!
228
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:10,067
- SOMEBODY'S GONNA
GET HURT HERE!
229
00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:12,567
SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT!
230
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,400
- HEY!
WE'VE GOT SOMETHING OVER HERE!
231
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,330
- AH, IT'S THE WRONG VAN.
232
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:27,467
[all groaning]
233
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,970
- FRUSTRATION
AND MORE FRUSTRATION
234
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:30,967
IN THE SEARCH
FOR THE MISSING VAN.
235
00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:33,127
BUT VOLUNTEERS VOW
TO CONTINUE SEARCHING
236
00:09:33,167 --> 00:09:34,867
THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.
237
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:35,970
THE ONLY GOOD THING
TO COME OF THIS...
238
00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:37,197
[cell phone ringing]
239
00:09:37,233 --> 00:09:38,903
IS THE HUGE OUTPOURING
OF SUPPORT
240
00:09:38,933 --> 00:09:41,773
FOR JON BENJAMIN
DURING THIS TIME OF CRISIS.
241
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:42,900
- WHAT?
242
00:09:42,933 --> 00:09:44,633
- JON, ARE YOU
WATCHING THE NEWS?
243
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,067
- YES, I AM, IN MY LIMO.
244
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,300
- I'M GETTING WORRIED.
245
00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:49,433
- ME TOO, JON.
246
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:51,067
THIS WHOLE THING
IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
247
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:52,467
IT'S BAD.
248
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,630
- BAD? THIS IS GREAT.
249
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:56,067
I GOT $50,000 WORTH
OF DONATIONS HERE.
250
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:57,470
ALL RIGHT?
WE'RE RICH.
251
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,700
- I REALLY FEEL LIKE
WE'RE DOING SOMETHING AWFUL.
252
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,473
- LOOK, IT'S NOT US, NATHAN,
ALL RIGHT?
253
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,200
THERE ARE A TON OF RACIST
FEAR MONGERS OUT THERE.
254
00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:05,333
IT'S THEM.
255
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:06,697
- WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
256
00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:08,133
IF YOU HADN'T
MADE THIS UP,
257
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,867
IT NEVER WOULD
HAVE HAPPENED.
258
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,370
- DID YOU GET THE LOBSTERS
FOR THE AFTER-PARTY?
259
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,530
- YEAH.
I GOT 'EM RIGHT HERE.
260
00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:16,567
- GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU
BACK AT THE MOTEL.
261
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,870
HEY, BY THE WAY,
WHERE'D YOU DITCH THE VAN?
262
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,670
- DON'T WORRY.
NO ONE WILL EVER FIND IT.
263
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,400
- ALL RIGHT,
LOOK, I GOTTA GO.
264
00:10:23,433 --> 00:10:24,803
I GOT A TAPING.
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE AFTER PARTY.
265
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,333
- JON! JON!
266
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:28,227
- HUH?
267
00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:30,697
- WE LOVE YOU, JON.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
268
00:10:30,733 --> 00:10:33,103
THANK YOU, LARRY.
269
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,873
[crowd screaming]
270
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:38,570
- CAN YOU SIGN THIS?
271
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,030
- SURE. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
272
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,467
- HEY, I HOPE YOU FIND
YOUR VAN, MAN.
273
00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,870
- HEY, I APPRECIATE THAT.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
274
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,130
- STAY STRONG, JON.
275
00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:46,297
- WE'RE PRAYIN'
FOR YOUR VAN, JON.
276
00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:49,503
[ominous music]
277
00:10:49,533 --> 00:10:53,133
*
278
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,200
- WHEN YOU CALL
JON BENJAMIN'S 911,
279
00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:01,703
I WILL PERSONALLY FIELD
YOUR CALL...
280
00:11:01,733 --> 00:11:03,873
JON BENJAMIN'S 911.
WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
281
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:06,670
COLLECT ALL
THE NECESSARY INFORMATION...
282
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,330
HOW'D YOU CUT IT?
283
00:11:10,467 --> 00:11:11,597
EESH.
284
00:11:11,633 --> 00:11:14,603
THEN IMMEDIATELY PASS IT ON
TO REGULAR 911,
285
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:17,103
WHO WILL PROMPTLY DISPATCH
EMERGENCY SERVICE.
286
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,827
OKAY.
287
00:11:22,867 --> 00:11:24,427
YEP. CATCH YOU
ON THE FLIP SIDE,
288
00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:25,797
[telephone rings]
289
00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:28,073
JON BENJAMIN'S 911.
WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
290
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:29,867
YES?
291
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:37,073
OKAY, RELAX.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
292
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:40,930
MELISSA.
293
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,767
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. WELL,
HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO, OKAY?
294
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,070
I'M GONNA CALL 911
RIGHT NOW.
295
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,367
YOU GOTTA GIVE ME
YOUR ADDRESS.
296
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:50,467
300 [bleep] DRIVE.
297
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:54,600
IS THAT A HOUSE
OR AN APARTMENT?
298
00:11:54,633 --> 00:11:56,203
OKAY, WHAT'S
YOUR APARTMENT NUMBER?
299
00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:01,497
THANKS FOR THE CALL.
HANG IN THERE.
300
00:12:01,533 --> 00:12:02,973
[line ringing]
301
00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:07,633
- YEAH, HEY. IT'S JON
FROM JON BENJAMIN'S 911.
302
00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:09,297
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
303
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,370
UH, NEED AN AMBULANCE,
300 [bleep] DRIVE,
304
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:16,670
APARTMENT 9B.
305
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:17,900
THERE'S A GUY, UM...
306
00:12:17,933 --> 00:12:19,973
UH, HAVING A HEART ATTACK
OR CHEST PAINS,
307
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,127
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
308
00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:23,127
JON BENJAMIN'S 911.
309
00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:24,227
NO MORE FUSS,
310
00:12:24,267 --> 00:12:26,097
NO MORE TENSION,
311
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:28,303
100% RESULTS.
312
00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:35,803
[upbeat electronic music,
cheers and applause]
313
00:12:50,433 --> 00:12:52,673
male announcer: [French accent]
TONIGHT ON CELEBRITY PARKOUR,
314
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:53,870
ACID ATTACK VICTIM
315
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,470
AND MISSING VAN OWNER
JON BENJAMIN
316
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:58,630
TAKES ON THREE OF HOLLYWOOD'S
HOTTEST CELEBRITIES.
317
00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:05,733
- HAIL, BLACK SATAN.
318
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:12,427
- [screaming]
319
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:16,167
AAH! HO HO!
320
00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:21,733
ANYWAY, OFFICERS,
IT WAS AWFUL.
321
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,797
- DID YOU RECOGNIZE
THE ASSAILANT?
322
00:13:23,833 --> 00:13:25,533
- OH, YEAH, IT WAS
A BLACK SATANIST.
323
00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:28,167
- SO ANOTHER BLACK SATANIST
THREW ACID INTO YOUR FACE.
324
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,130
THAT'S, UH--
THAT'S TWICE IN ONE WEEK.
325
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:32,627
- LESS THAN A WEEK.
326
00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:34,067
- LOOK, THIS TIME
IT REALLY HAPPENED, ALL RIGHT?
327
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:35,067
I OPENED THE DOOR...
328
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,327
- "THIS TIME,
IT REALLY HAPPENED."
329
00:13:37,367 --> 00:13:38,497
- WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
330
00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:39,833
I MEANT LIKE...
331
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:41,497
I GOT ACID POURED
IN MY FACE,
332
00:13:41,533 --> 00:13:43,073
SO I'M NOT THINKING
STRAIGHT.
333
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:45,197
- WE'RE GONNA LOOK
INTO THIS, MR. BENJAMIN.
334
00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:47,073
- THANK YOU, OFFICER.
I APPRECIATE IT.
335
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:48,527
YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW DIFFICULT IT'S BEEN.
336
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:50,597
I MEAN, I LOST
MY VAN AND THEN...
337
00:13:50,633 --> 00:13:52,673
NOW THIS,
AND THEN THE ACID.
338
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:53,670
I MEAN, IT'S...
339
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,070
[poignant piano music]
340
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,700
I'M CRYING AGAIN.
341
00:13:56,733 --> 00:13:58,333
I'M CRYING.
342
00:13:58,367 --> 00:13:59,667
OHH!
343
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:02,600
OH, I'M CRYING.
344
00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:11,227
HEY, YOU GUYS READY?
345
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,070
EXCUSE ME.
346
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,200
EXCUSE ME.
347
00:14:36,233 --> 00:14:38,533
I'M JON BENJAMIN
FROM THE SHOW CONSENSUAL.
348
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:40,127
CAN I SPEAK TO YOU, SIR?
349
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:41,867
- SURE.
- OVER HERE IF YOU DON'T MIND.
350
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,670
EXCUSE US.
351
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:44,930
I WANT TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.
352
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,267
I KNOW THIS IS
A LITTLE AWKWARD,
353
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,670
AND I'M SORRY
TO HAVE TO DO THIS.
354
00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:51,300
OUR CAMERAS TOOK SOME SHOTS...
- OH, THAT'S US.
355
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:54,373
- JUST AS YOU'RE PULLING IN
TO THIS MOTEL.
356
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,400
AND THAT'S YOU AND...
- CINDY.
357
00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:57,503
- CINDY?
- CINDY.
358
00:14:57,533 --> 00:14:58,503
- AND CINDY IS...?
359
00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:00,773
- UM, SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
360
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,070
- AND TAKING YOUR KEY OUT.
361
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:05,070
SHE'S TOUCHING
THE SMALL OF YOUR BACK.
362
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:08,127
YOU'RE LAUGHING
AND ENJOYING YOURSELVES.
363
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,327
SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
- YEAH.
364
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,927
- FOR HOW LONG
HAVE YOU BEEN...
365
00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:12,467
- FIVE...FIVE YEARS.
366
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:13,770
- FIVE YEARS?
- YEAH.
367
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,670
- WHY ARE YOU GOING
INTO A MOTEL ROOM TOGETHER
368
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:16,930
WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
369
00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:19,097
- WE'RE STAYING HERE.
370
00:15:19,133 --> 00:15:21,633
- AND THIS RELATIONSHIP
IS CONSENSUAL?
371
00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:22,897
- YEAH.
372
00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:28,603
- I JUST SPOKE
TO THAT GENTLEMAN OVER THERE.
373
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:31,373
HIS NAME IS...?
374
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,700
- JAY.
- JAY.
375
00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,903
IS THAT YOU AND JAY
376
00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:36,373
COMING INTO THE MOTEL
RIGHT NOW?
377
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,270
- WHY--
- MM-HMM.
378
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,430
- WHY DO YOU HAVE US
ON TAPE?
379
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:41,927
- AND YOU'RE INVOLVED
IN A RELATIONSHIP
380
00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:43,427
WITH THIS GENTLEMAN
RIGHT HERE?
381
00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:44,697
- OF COURSE.
382
00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:46,403
- YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND
AND BOYFRIEND?
383
00:15:46,433 --> 00:15:47,703
- YES.
384
00:15:47,733 --> 00:15:48,773
- I'M SORRY--
385
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,930
- ARE YOU A POLICEMAN
OR SOMETHING?
386
00:15:49,967 --> 00:15:51,897
- NO, I AM NOT, MA'AM.
NO, I AM NOT.
387
00:15:51,933 --> 00:15:54,073
THAT'S CONSENSUAL,
THE RELATIONSHIP?
388
00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:55,327
- OF COURSE.
389
00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:56,627
- CONSENSUAL.
390
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,500
[poignant music]
SO, JAY, HOW DID IT FEEL
391
00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:02,873
WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THE NEWS
392
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,100
THAT YOU WERE INVOLVED
IN A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP
393
00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:06,873
WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
394
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:10,670
- WELL, WE'VE BEEN
TOGETHER FIVE YEARS, AND...
395
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:14,600
- I'M SURE IT'S BEEN
A PRETTY ROCKY...
396
00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:16,403
10, 15 MINUTES FOR YOU.
397
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:17,803
- WE JUST CAME IN
FROM SAN FRANCISCO.
398
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,673
WE'RE...
- ALL I'M SAYING IS
399
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:21,330
IF I COULD GIVE
ANY ADVICE TO YOU,
400
00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:23,127
I WOULD BE LIKE--IF I WERE
IN YOUR POSITION,
401
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:27,227
I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN LET ME
COME INTO YOUR MOTEL ROOM.
402
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,427
- WELL--
403
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:31,097
- I WOULD HAVE STOPPED
THIS TEN MINUTES AGO.
404
00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:33,473
- WELL, I MEAN,
JUST OUT OF COURTESY TO...
405
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,670
- YOU SEEM TO BE
A GOOD GUY,
406
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,170
AND THAT'S A GOOD THING.
407
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,270
I JUST HOPE
IT STAYS THAT WAY.
408
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,430
- I--
- WELL, GOOD LUCK.
409
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:42,697
I HOPE IT WORKS OUT
WITH YOU AND CINDY.
410
00:16:42,733 --> 00:16:45,603
WE'RE GONNA GO.
411
00:16:45,633 --> 00:16:49,403
BUT DON'T LET PEOPLE TAPE
YOU IN PRIVATE MOMENTS.
412
00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:51,333
IT'S ILLEGAL ALMOST.
413
00:16:51,367 --> 00:16:53,597
I MEAN, IT'S NOT, 'CAUSE
I'LL HAVE YOU SIGN A FORM,
414
00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:55,703
BUT YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THIS.
415
00:16:55,733 --> 00:16:58,573
YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN ON THIS SHOW.
416
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,830
BYE, CINDY.
417
00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:09,527
- I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN POUR
ACID IN YOUR FACE.
418
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:10,927
- JUST DO IT.
419
00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:12,697
AFTER, I'LL GO
TO THE HOSPITAL,
420
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:15,073
YOU GUYS PAINT SATANIC STUFF
ALL OVER THE VAN,
421
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,130
THEN GO DITCH IT.
422
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:17,927
- HOST JON BENJAMIN
WAS THE VICTIM
423
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:20,767
OF A VICIOUS,
RACIALLY MOTIVATED ACID ATTACK.
424
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:26,300
- IF YOU DO ONE THING
TO HARM MY VAN,
425
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,903
I WILL COME
HUNT YOU DOWN.
426
00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:29,573
WHERE'D YOU DITCH THE VAN?
427
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,270
- DON'T WORRY.
NO ONE WILL EVER FIND IT.
428
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,400
- [sighs]
429
00:17:33,433 --> 00:17:35,933
WHERE'D YOU FIND
THE VAN, MA'AM?
430
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,067
- MY SON NATHAN
SOLD IT TO ME.
431
00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:42,327
- PLEASE STEP
OUT OF THE VAN, MA'AM.
432
00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:46,067
[poignant music]
433
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:49,067
PLEASE STEP
OUT OF THE VAN, MA'AM.
434
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:53,167
*
435
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:57,367
- NICE AND EASY.
436
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,100
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
437
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:02,573
- JUST, UH, WALK TO THE BACK
OF THE VEHICLE FOR US.
438
00:18:07,833 --> 00:18:09,533
- JON BENJAMIN'S 911.
439
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:15,497
- OH...OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
440
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:18,073
I CALLED, LIKE,
TEN MINUTES AGO.
441
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,700
OH, [bleep].
ALL RIGHT, UM...
442
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,230
I SPOKE TO
TWO DIFFERENT OPERATORS.
443
00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:25,827
I CALLED TWICE,
I SPOKE TO THEM.
444
00:18:25,867 --> 00:18:27,297
THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN
THERE BY NOW.
445
00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:28,633
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
446
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:31,067
I'LL CALL 'EM AGAIN.
LISTEN...
447
00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:35,327
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CALL 911
AGAIN FOR YOU.
448
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,197
I'M JON BENJAMIN.
449
00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:39,303
HANG IN THERE.
450
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,200
HERE'S JONNY BENJAMIN!
451
00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:07,403
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN'?
452
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,570
- YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
453
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,870
- WELL, YEAH.
454
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:23,070
I, UH...WELL--
455
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:27,497
- GET BACK HERE!
456
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,067
- THIS IS OFFICER MALLOY
REQUESTING BACKUP.
457
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:48,067
WE GOT A RUNNER
HEADED EASTWARD BOUND.
458
00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,297
male news anchor: YOU KNOW,
I GOTTA SAY, DENISE,
459
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:52,303
THE MAN RUNNING LOOKS
A LOT LIKE JON BENJAMIN,
460
00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:54,803
THE SAME MAN THAT HAD ACID
THROWN IN HIS FACE
461
00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:56,603
TWICE
BY BLACK SATANISTS.
462
00:19:56,633 --> 00:19:58,233
- IT REALLY
DOES RESEMBLE HIM,
463
00:19:58,267 --> 00:20:02,467
BUT WHY WOULD JON BENJAMIN
BE RUNNING FROM THE POLICE?
464
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:03,700
WELL, WHOEVER IT IS,
465
00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:04,703
IT IS CERTAINLY AMAZING
466
00:20:04,733 --> 00:20:06,503
TO WATCH
A SEASONED PRACTITIONER
467
00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:09,433
OF PARKOUR MAKE HIS WAY
ACROSS A CITYSCAPE.
468
00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:10,867
- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
469
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:12,170
IT'S SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH,
470
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,270
DESPITE THE FAR-FROM-IDEAL
CIRCUMSTANCES.
471
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:18,270
[upbeat electronic music]
472
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,400
*
473
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:39,270
[upbeat electronic music]
474
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:47,300
*
475
00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:52,267
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32446
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