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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,367 --> 00:00:04,827 - TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN... 2 00:00:04,867 --> 00:00:06,497 CAN WE DO BETTER THAN 911? 3 00:00:06,533 --> 00:00:08,373 SOMEONE THINKS WE CAN. 4 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:09,900 THIS DAYTIME TALK SHOW HOST 5 00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:11,833 TOPPED THE RATINGS WITH HER LATEST GUEST, 6 00:00:11,867 --> 00:00:13,597 BUT IS HIS STORY TRUE? 7 00:00:13,633 --> 00:00:16,333 WE'LL HEAR THE INCREDIBLE STORY OF OLIVER, 8 00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:19,067 AN APE WHO WAS RAISED BY HUMANS IN BRITAIN, 9 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,470 AND THEN RETURNED TO THE JUNGLE, 10 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:22,070 WHERE HE WAS IMMEDIATELY MURDERED 11 00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:24,000 BY A SHREWDNESS OF APES. 12 00:00:24,033 --> 00:00:27,633 ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN. 13 00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:30,897 [dramatic music] 14 00:00:30,933 --> 00:00:33,333 - [straining] 15 00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:36,803 - [sighs] 16 00:00:36,833 --> 00:00:38,773 [bomb beeping] 17 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,170 female news anchor: WHAT YOU ARE WATCHING NOW 18 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,800 IS A LIVE SHOT OF A FOOT CHASE 19 00:00:55,833 --> 00:00:59,233 HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IN DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES. 20 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,797 male news anchor: THE POLICE HAVE BEEN, 21 00:01:00,833 --> 00:01:02,273 FOR MORE THAN TWO HOURS NOW, 22 00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:04,370 IN PURSUIT OF AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN 23 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,300 WITH BANDAGES ON HIS FACE AND HEAD. 24 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:08,933 female news anchor: WELL, THEY JUST CAN'T SEEM 25 00:01:08,967 --> 00:01:10,297 TO CATCH THIS GUY. 26 00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:12,433 HE'S REALLY MOVING WITH SOME INCREDIBLE AGILITY, 27 00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:16,067 USING SOME UNIQUE URBAN MANEUVERING TECHNIQUES. 28 00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:17,797 male news anchor: RON, IS THERE ANY INFORMATION 29 00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:20,073 AS TO WHY THIS GUY IS RUNNING FROM THE POLICE? 30 00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:22,197 helicopter reporter: NOTHING DEFINITIVE SO FAR, TODD. 31 00:01:22,233 --> 00:01:24,733 BUT, OH, HERE'S A POLICE CAR BLOCKING THE ALLEY. 32 00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:26,527 DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA BE ENOUGH TO STOP 33 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,527 AND EXPERIENCED PRACTITIONER OF PARKOUR. 34 00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:30,067 female new anchor: THIS GUY IS LIKE A CAT, 35 00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:33,267 AND NO OBSTRUCTION SEEMS TO DETER HIM. 36 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,130 male news anchor: OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE UPDATES 37 00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:38,067 ON THE FOOT CHASE AS IT UNFOLDS. 38 00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,597 [ominous music] 39 00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:42,603 [cell phone rings] 40 00:01:42,633 --> 00:01:45,503 * 41 00:01:45,533 --> 00:01:47,533 [cell phone rings and vibrates] 42 00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,867 * 43 00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:52,070 [rings and vibrates] 44 00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:54,327 * 45 00:01:54,367 --> 00:01:56,467 [rings and vibrates] 46 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,770 * 47 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,970 [rings and vibrates] 48 00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:03,197 * 49 00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:05,403 [rings and vibrates] 50 00:02:05,433 --> 00:02:07,703 * 51 00:02:07,733 --> 00:02:09,833 [rings and vibrates] 52 00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:12,167 * 53 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,330 [rings and vibrates] 54 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:16,227 - [groaning] 55 00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:19,227 [stops phone ringing] 56 00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:22,627 - WHAT TIME IS IT? 57 00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:25,297 - OH, MY GOD, IT'S 3:45. 58 00:02:25,333 --> 00:02:27,673 - [bleep]. 59 00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:29,430 THAT WAS DAVE CALLING. 60 00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:33,367 - WE'RE, LIKE, SIX HOURS LATE. 61 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,700 - WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? 62 00:02:35,733 --> 00:02:37,073 - WE COULD TELL HIM WE'RE SICK. 63 00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:38,200 - NO. 64 00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:40,403 WE'LL GET IN HUGE TROUBLE FOR THAT. 65 00:02:40,433 --> 00:02:42,303 - I AM SICK. 66 00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:46,733 - I GOTTA THINK. 67 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,527 I GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING. 68 00:02:56,733 --> 00:02:58,603 voice on radio: AMERICA TAUGHT THE BLACK PEOPLE 69 00:02:58,633 --> 00:03:00,173 TO BE VIOLENT. 70 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,400 WE WILL USE THAT VIOLENCE... [toilet flushes] 71 00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,873 - THANKS FOR THE PARTY, JON. 72 00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:06,730 [marker squeaking] 73 00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:10,097 - HEY, I GOT A PLAN. 74 00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:11,873 - I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN POUR ACID IN YOUR FACE. 75 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,600 - DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF WORK TODAY OR NOT? 76 00:03:13,633 --> 00:03:15,103 JUST DON'T GET IT IN MY EYES. 77 00:03:15,133 --> 00:03:16,503 AND THEN AFTER--WAIT. 78 00:03:16,533 --> 00:03:18,873 AFTER, I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL, 79 00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,230 YOU GUYS PAINT SATANIC STUFF ALL OVER THE VAN, 80 00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:22,397 THEN GO DITCH IT. 81 00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:23,433 - RIGHT. - OKAY? 82 00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:24,867 WE READY? - YES. 83 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,270 - ALL RIGHT. 84 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,700 REMEMBER, NOT IN THE EYES. 85 00:03:27,733 --> 00:03:31,403 [shrieking] 86 00:03:31,433 --> 00:03:34,303 AAH! YOU HAVE TO CATCH THAT. 87 00:03:35,933 --> 00:03:38,673 THAT WAS...OH, MAN. 88 00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:41,730 - SO, MR. BENJAMIN, HOW MANY PEOPLE ATTACKED YOU? 89 00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:44,897 - OH, WELL, FOUR... 90 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,473 UH, MAYBE MORE. EIGHT? 91 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,430 OR LESS. THREE. 92 00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:51,067 LIKE I SAID, I COULDN'T REALLY SEE MUCH 93 00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:52,697 'CAUSE OF HOW QUICKLY IT ALL HAPPENED, 94 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:56,103 BUT THEY WERE DEFINITELY BLACK SATANISTS. 95 00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:59,473 - AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY WERE BLACK SATANISTS? 96 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,970 - WELL, FOR ONE, THEY WERE BLACK. 97 00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,597 NO OFFENSE. 98 00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:05,433 BUT THEY WERE, UH, CHANTING 99 00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:07,767 SATAN-RELATED THINGS THE WHOLE TIME 100 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,070 DURING THE ATTACK. 101 00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,530 - LIKE WHAT? 102 00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:11,697 - LIKE, YOU KNOW, CHANTING, 103 00:04:11,733 --> 00:04:14,273 "MMM-MMM, SATAN," STUFF LIKE THAT. 104 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,970 AND THEN THERE WAS A PENTAGRAM. 105 00:04:16,067 --> 00:04:18,067 AND THEN THEY POURED ACID ON MY FACE, 106 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,327 WHICH WAS CLEARLY PART OF THEIR RITUAL. 107 00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:20,967 - RITUAL? 108 00:04:21,067 --> 00:04:22,797 - OH, YEAH, THE WHOLE THING WAS A SATANIC RITUAL. 109 00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:25,233 THAT'S WHY THEY WERE THERE. 110 00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,797 THEN THEY RAN OUT AND STOLE MY VAN, 111 00:04:27,833 --> 00:04:30,203 AND NOW I DON'T HAVE A VAN, 112 00:04:30,233 --> 00:04:31,603 SO I CAN'T DO MY SHOW. 113 00:04:31,633 --> 00:04:33,533 - DON'T WORRY. WE'LL RENT YOU A NEW VAN, JON. 114 00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:36,497 - NO, DAVE! WE CAN'T RENT A NEW VAN! 115 00:04:36,533 --> 00:04:37,773 I NEED MY VAN! 116 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,300 - WELL, WE'RE GONNA DO EVERYTHING WE CAN 117 00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:41,373 TO GET YOUR VAN BACK, MR. BENJAMIN. 118 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,630 - THANK YOU, OFFICER. 119 00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:45,567 WE GOTTA GET THESE BLACK SATANISTS WHO DID THIS. 120 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,570 [poignant piano music] 121 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,370 * 122 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,470 - I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW 123 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:54,470 THAT I HAVE A VAN MYSELF, 124 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:58,170 AND IF ANYONE EVEN PUT A SCRATCH ON IT, I'D... 125 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,530 - THOSE WORDS MEAN A LOT, OFFICER. 126 00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:05,867 MY FACE, I CAN GET A NEW ONE, 127 00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:08,370 BUT MY VAN... 128 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:12,070 MY VAN WAS ONE OF A KIND. 129 00:05:12,067 --> 00:05:14,127 - I UNDERSTAND. 130 00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:16,727 - I--I'M CRYING. 131 00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:19,067 - YOU DO THAT. 132 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:21,630 - OH, MY FACE. 133 00:05:21,667 --> 00:05:23,467 I BETTER REST. 134 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:28,070 [video game sound effects] 135 00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:30,067 - IT'S THE STORY THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION. 136 00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,927 HOST JON BENJAMIN WAS THE VICTIM 137 00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:34,797 OF A VICIOUS, RACIALLY MOTIVATED ACID ATTACK 138 00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:38,173 BY WHAT HE DESCRIBED AS BLACK SATANISTS. 139 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,070 - STILL NO SIGN OF JON BENJAMIN'S VAN. 140 00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:41,567 - POLICE HAVE SET UP ROAD BLOCKS 141 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,270 AND ARE STOPPING AFRICAN-AMERICANS 142 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,070 AND SATANISTS WHO ARE DRIVING VANS. 143 00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:46,567 - [speaking Japanese] 144 00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:51,173 both: BLACK SATANISTS, MISSING VAN. 145 00:05:55,567 --> 00:05:57,727 [conversation inaudible] 146 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,897 - GO. LET'S GO, GO, GO. 147 00:06:11,433 --> 00:06:14,073 EXCUSE ME. HI. HELLO. 148 00:06:14,067 --> 00:06:15,167 - HI. 149 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,570 - I'M JON BENJAMIN FROM CONSENSUAL. 150 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:17,570 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? 151 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:18,630 - MY NAME IS HAROLD. 152 00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:19,697 - HAROLD? AND YOUR NAME? 153 00:06:19,733 --> 00:06:20,703 - STEPHANIE. 154 00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,273 - STEPHANIE AND HAROLD. 155 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:24,370 I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T MIND. 156 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,600 YOU TWO HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER? 157 00:06:25,633 --> 00:06:26,933 - UM, YEAH. 158 00:06:26,967 --> 00:06:29,127 - OUR INVESTIGATORS HAVE TAKEN FOOTAGE 159 00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:32,467 OF YOU TWO EATING TOGETHER FOR THE PAST FIVE, SIX MINUTES. 160 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:33,870 - ALL RIGHT. 161 00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:36,800 - THERE IS YOU ORDERING YOUR WINE. 162 00:06:36,833 --> 00:06:39,603 THERE'S THE WAITER LEAVING FROM EARLIER. 163 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,403 HERE YOU ARE GETTING YOUR WINE DELIVERED, 164 00:06:42,433 --> 00:06:43,833 CLINKING GLASSES, 165 00:06:43,867 --> 00:06:45,827 HAVING A NICE CONVERSATION TOGETHER. 166 00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:47,067 - MM-HMM. 167 00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,967 - ARE YOU TWO INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP? 168 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:51,127 - YEAH. - YES. 169 00:06:51,167 --> 00:06:52,497 - YOU ARE? - WE ARE. 170 00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:54,203 - WE'RE MARRIED. - YOU'RE MARRIED? 171 00:06:54,233 --> 00:06:56,203 IS IT A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP? 172 00:06:56,233 --> 00:06:58,673 - YEAH, WE'RE-- - WE'RE MARRIED. 173 00:06:58,700 --> 00:06:59,670 - WE'RE MARRIED. WE JUST... 174 00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:02,870 - AGAIN, YOU TWO HOLDING HANDS. 175 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,170 - RIGHT. 176 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,530 - TALKING, ENJOYING YOURSELVES. 177 00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:07,897 AND IT'S CONSENSUAL, CORRECT? 178 00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:09,773 - YES, IT'S CONSENSUAL. - WE'RE MARRIED. 179 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,530 - YOU'RE MARRIED, AND IT'S CONSENSUAL? 180 00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:12,897 - WE JUST TOLD YOU THAT. 181 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,903 - CONSENSUAL. 182 00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,967 - BLACK SATANISTS-- WHO ARE THEY, 183 00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:22,627 AND CAN THEY CAUSE HARM TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY? 184 00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:25,197 [soft theme music] 185 00:07:25,233 --> 00:07:30,203 [applause] 186 00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:32,603 HERE WITH US TONIGHT IS JON BENJAMIN. 187 00:07:32,633 --> 00:07:35,633 HE WAS JUST RECENTLY RELEASED OUT OF A HOSPITAL 188 00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:37,527 AFTER HAVING ACID THROWN IN HIS FACE 189 00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:39,627 AS PART OF A BLACK SATANIC RITUAL. 190 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:40,897 [audience reacts] 191 00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:42,503 JON, WHY DO YOU THINK THAT THEY CHOSE YOU 192 00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:43,933 TO DO THIS TO? 193 00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:46,727 - TO BE HONEST, ALEX, I HAVE NO IDEA. 194 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:50,067 LOOK, I'M NOT SOMEBODY WHO WANTS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE 195 00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:52,827 OF STIRRING UP RACIAL TENSIONS. 196 00:07:52,867 --> 00:07:54,527 MAY I? 197 00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:55,697 - OH, PLEASE. 198 00:07:55,733 --> 00:07:57,603 - WHAT YOU DO IS REPREHENSIBLE. 199 00:07:57,633 --> 00:07:59,903 I HAVE NO FACE. 200 00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:02,427 AND I SWEAR TO GOD 201 00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:05,067 IN EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, 202 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:10,797 IF YOU DO ONE THING TO HARM MY VAN, 203 00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:12,933 I WILL COME HUNT YOU DOWN. 204 00:08:12,967 --> 00:08:15,397 [applause] 205 00:08:15,433 --> 00:08:16,903 BRING MY VAN BACK! 206 00:08:16,933 --> 00:08:18,133 [cheers and applause] 207 00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:19,797 BRING IT BACK! 208 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,133 [soft theme music] 209 00:08:23,167 --> 00:08:24,827 - LOOK OUT, BLACK SATANISTS. 210 00:08:24,867 --> 00:08:26,667 AMERICA IS WATCHING. 211 00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,770 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 212 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,770 [poignant music] 213 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:39,730 * 214 00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:43,130 - GET BACK, SATAN. 215 00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:45,067 AS FOR MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, 216 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,470 TURN YOUR BACK ON THE DEVIL. 217 00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:47,500 WALK AWAY FROM THE DEVIL 218 00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:49,073 AND WALK TO THE LIGHT OF THE LORD. 219 00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:50,497 WALK WITH THIS MAN... 220 00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:52,633 WITH THIS MAN AND HIS VAN, O LORD, WE PRAY. 221 00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,067 RETURN THIS VAN TO US. 222 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:57,100 RETURN THIS VAN TO US THIS DAY, O LORD. 223 00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:59,733 - THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAN ANOTHER EXAMPLE 224 00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:02,667 OF WHITES SCAPEGOATING BLACKS IN THIS TOWN. 225 00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,800 [overlapping shouting] 226 00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,303 - OKAY, ALL RIGHT! 227 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,333 - YOU'RE CALLING ME A RACIST! - THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! 228 00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:10,067 - SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT HERE! 229 00:09:10,067 --> 00:09:12,567 SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT! 230 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,400 - HEY! WE'VE GOT SOMETHING OVER HERE! 231 00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,330 - AH, IT'S THE WRONG VAN. 232 00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:27,467 [all groaning] 233 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,970 - FRUSTRATION AND MORE FRUSTRATION 234 00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:30,967 IN THE SEARCH FOR THE MISSING VAN. 235 00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:33,127 BUT VOLUNTEERS VOW TO CONTINUE SEARCHING 236 00:09:33,167 --> 00:09:34,867 THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT. 237 00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:35,970 THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OF THIS... 238 00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:37,197 [cell phone ringing] 239 00:09:37,233 --> 00:09:38,903 IS THE HUGE OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT 240 00:09:38,933 --> 00:09:41,773 FOR JON BENJAMIN DURING THIS TIME OF CRISIS. 241 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:42,900 - WHAT? 242 00:09:42,933 --> 00:09:44,633 - JON, ARE YOU WATCHING THE NEWS? 243 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,067 - YES, I AM, IN MY LIMO. 244 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,300 - I'M GETTING WORRIED. 245 00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:49,433 - ME TOO, JON. 246 00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:51,067 THIS WHOLE THING IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. 247 00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:52,467 IT'S BAD. 248 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,630 - BAD? THIS IS GREAT. 249 00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:56,067 I GOT $50,000 WORTH OF DONATIONS HERE. 250 00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:57,470 ALL RIGHT? WE'RE RICH. 251 00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:59,700 - I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE'RE DOING SOMETHING AWFUL. 252 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,473 - LOOK, IT'S NOT US, NATHAN, ALL RIGHT? 253 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,200 THERE ARE A TON OF RACIST FEAR MONGERS OUT THERE. 254 00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:05,333 IT'S THEM. 255 00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:06,697 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 256 00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:08,133 IF YOU HADN'T MADE THIS UP, 257 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,867 IT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. 258 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,370 - DID YOU GET THE LOBSTERS FOR THE AFTER-PARTY? 259 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,530 - YEAH. I GOT 'EM RIGHT HERE. 260 00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:16,567 - GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE MOTEL. 261 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,870 HEY, BY THE WAY, WHERE'D YOU DITCH THE VAN? 262 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,670 - DON'T WORRY. NO ONE WILL EVER FIND IT. 263 00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,400 - ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I GOTTA GO. 264 00:10:23,433 --> 00:10:24,803 I GOT A TAPING. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE AFTER PARTY. 265 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,333 - JON! JON! 266 00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:28,227 - HUH? 267 00:10:28,267 --> 00:10:30,697 - WE LOVE YOU, JON. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 268 00:10:30,733 --> 00:10:33,103 THANK YOU, LARRY. 269 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,873 [crowd screaming] 270 00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:38,570 - CAN YOU SIGN THIS? 271 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,030 - SURE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 272 00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,467 - HEY, I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR VAN, MAN. 273 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,870 - HEY, I APPRECIATE THAT. HI, HOW ARE YOU? 274 00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,130 - STAY STRONG, JON. 275 00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:46,297 - WE'RE PRAYIN' FOR YOUR VAN, JON. 276 00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:49,503 [ominous music] 277 00:10:49,533 --> 00:10:53,133 * 278 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,200 - WHEN YOU CALL JON BENJAMIN'S 911, 279 00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:01,703 I WILL PERSONALLY FIELD YOUR CALL... 280 00:11:01,733 --> 00:11:03,873 JON BENJAMIN'S 911. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY? 281 00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:06,670 COLLECT ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION... 282 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:08,330 HOW'D YOU CUT IT? 283 00:11:10,467 --> 00:11:11,597 EESH. 284 00:11:11,633 --> 00:11:14,603 THEN IMMEDIATELY PASS IT ON TO REGULAR 911, 285 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:17,103 WHO WILL PROMPTLY DISPATCH EMERGENCY SERVICE. 286 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,827 OKAY. 287 00:11:22,867 --> 00:11:24,427 YEP. CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE, 288 00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:25,797 [telephone rings] 289 00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:28,073 JON BENJAMIN'S 911. WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY? 290 00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:29,867 YES? 291 00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:37,073 OKAY, RELAX. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 292 00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:40,930 MELISSA. 293 00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,767 OKAY, ALL RIGHT. WELL, HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO, OKAY? 294 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,070 I'M GONNA CALL 911 RIGHT NOW. 295 00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,367 YOU GOTTA GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS. 296 00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:50,467 300 [bleep] DRIVE. 297 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:54,600 IS THAT A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT? 298 00:11:54,633 --> 00:11:56,203 OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR APARTMENT NUMBER? 299 00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:01,497 THANKS FOR THE CALL. HANG IN THERE. 300 00:12:01,533 --> 00:12:02,973 [line ringing] 301 00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:07,633 - YEAH, HEY. IT'S JON FROM JON BENJAMIN'S 911. 302 00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:09,297 HEY, HOW ARE YOU? 303 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,370 UH, NEED AN AMBULANCE, 300 [bleep] DRIVE, 304 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:16,670 APARTMENT 9B. 305 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:17,900 THERE'S A GUY, UM... 306 00:12:17,933 --> 00:12:19,973 UH, HAVING A HEART ATTACK OR CHEST PAINS, 307 00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,127 SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 308 00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:23,127 JON BENJAMIN'S 911. 309 00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:24,227 NO MORE FUSS, 310 00:12:24,267 --> 00:12:26,097 NO MORE TENSION, 311 00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:28,303 100% RESULTS. 312 00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:35,803 [upbeat electronic music, cheers and applause] 313 00:12:50,433 --> 00:12:52,673 male announcer: [French accent] TONIGHT ON CELEBRITY PARKOUR, 314 00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:53,870 ACID ATTACK VICTIM 315 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,470 AND MISSING VAN OWNER JON BENJAMIN 316 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:58,630 TAKES ON THREE OF HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST CELEBRITIES. 317 00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:05,733 - HAIL, BLACK SATAN. 318 00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:12,427 - [screaming] 319 00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:16,167 AAH! HO HO! 320 00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:21,733 ANYWAY, OFFICERS, IT WAS AWFUL. 321 00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,797 - DID YOU RECOGNIZE THE ASSAILANT? 322 00:13:23,833 --> 00:13:25,533 - OH, YEAH, IT WAS A BLACK SATANIST. 323 00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:28,167 - SO ANOTHER BLACK SATANIST THREW ACID INTO YOUR FACE. 324 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,130 THAT'S, UH-- THAT'S TWICE IN ONE WEEK. 325 00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:32,627 - LESS THAN A WEEK. 326 00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:34,067 - LOOK, THIS TIME IT REALLY HAPPENED, ALL RIGHT? 327 00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:35,067 I OPENED THE DOOR... 328 00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:37,327 - "THIS TIME, IT REALLY HAPPENED." 329 00:13:37,367 --> 00:13:38,497 - WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 330 00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:39,833 I MEANT LIKE... 331 00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:41,497 I GOT ACID POURED IN MY FACE, 332 00:13:41,533 --> 00:13:43,073 SO I'M NOT THINKING STRAIGHT. 333 00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:45,197 - WE'RE GONNA LOOK INTO THIS, MR. BENJAMIN. 334 00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:47,073 - THANK YOU, OFFICER. I APPRECIATE IT. 335 00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:48,527 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT'S BEEN. 336 00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:50,597 I MEAN, I LOST MY VAN AND THEN... 337 00:13:50,633 --> 00:13:52,673 NOW THIS, AND THEN THE ACID. 338 00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:53,670 I MEAN, IT'S... 339 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,070 [poignant piano music] 340 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,700 I'M CRYING AGAIN. 341 00:13:56,733 --> 00:13:58,333 I'M CRYING. 342 00:13:58,367 --> 00:13:59,667 OHH! 343 00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:02,600 OH, I'M CRYING. 344 00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:11,227 HEY, YOU GUYS READY? 345 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,070 EXCUSE ME. 346 00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,200 EXCUSE ME. 347 00:14:36,233 --> 00:14:38,533 I'M JON BENJAMIN FROM THE SHOW CONSENSUAL. 348 00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:40,127 CAN I SPEAK TO YOU, SIR? 349 00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:41,867 - SURE. - OVER HERE IF YOU DON'T MIND. 350 00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,670 EXCUSE US. 351 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:44,930 I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING. 352 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,267 I KNOW THIS IS A LITTLE AWKWARD, 353 00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,670 AND I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO DO THIS. 354 00:14:47,700 --> 00:14:51,300 OUR CAMERAS TOOK SOME SHOTS... - OH, THAT'S US. 355 00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:54,373 - JUST AS YOU'RE PULLING IN TO THIS MOTEL. 356 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,400 AND THAT'S YOU AND... - CINDY. 357 00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:57,503 - CINDY? - CINDY. 358 00:14:57,533 --> 00:14:58,503 - AND CINDY IS...? 359 00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:00,773 - UM, SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND. 360 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,070 - AND TAKING YOUR KEY OUT. 361 00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:05,070 SHE'S TOUCHING THE SMALL OF YOUR BACK. 362 00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:08,127 YOU'RE LAUGHING AND ENJOYING YOURSELVES. 363 00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,327 SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND? - YEAH. 364 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,927 - FOR HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN... 365 00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:12,467 - FIVE...FIVE YEARS. 366 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:13,770 - FIVE YEARS? - YEAH. 367 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,670 - WHY ARE YOU GOING INTO A MOTEL ROOM TOGETHER 368 00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:16,930 WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND? 369 00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:19,097 - WE'RE STAYING HERE. 370 00:15:19,133 --> 00:15:21,633 - AND THIS RELATIONSHIP IS CONSENSUAL? 371 00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:22,897 - YEAH. 372 00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:28,603 - I JUST SPOKE TO THAT GENTLEMAN OVER THERE. 373 00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:31,373 HIS NAME IS...? 374 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,700 - JAY. - JAY. 375 00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,903 IS THAT YOU AND JAY 376 00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:36,373 COMING INTO THE MOTEL RIGHT NOW? 377 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,270 - WHY-- - MM-HMM. 378 00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,430 - WHY DO YOU HAVE US ON TAPE? 379 00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:41,927 - AND YOU'RE INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP 380 00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:43,427 WITH THIS GENTLEMAN RIGHT HERE? 381 00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:44,697 - OF COURSE. 382 00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:46,403 - YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND? 383 00:15:46,433 --> 00:15:47,703 - YES. 384 00:15:47,733 --> 00:15:48,773 - I'M SORRY-- 385 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,930 - ARE YOU A POLICEMAN OR SOMETHING? 386 00:15:49,967 --> 00:15:51,897 - NO, I AM NOT, MA'AM. NO, I AM NOT. 387 00:15:51,933 --> 00:15:54,073 THAT'S CONSENSUAL, THE RELATIONSHIP? 388 00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:55,327 - OF COURSE. 389 00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:56,627 - CONSENSUAL. 390 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,500 [poignant music] SO, JAY, HOW DID IT FEEL 391 00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:02,873 WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THE NEWS 392 00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,100 THAT YOU WERE INVOLVED IN A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP 393 00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:06,873 WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND? 394 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:10,670 - WELL, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FIVE YEARS, AND... 395 00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:14,600 - I'M SURE IT'S BEEN A PRETTY ROCKY... 396 00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:16,403 10, 15 MINUTES FOR YOU. 397 00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:17,803 - WE JUST CAME IN FROM SAN FRANCISCO. 398 00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,673 WE'RE... - ALL I'M SAYING IS 399 00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:21,330 IF I COULD GIVE ANY ADVICE TO YOU, 400 00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:23,127 I WOULD BE LIKE--IF I WERE IN YOUR POSITION, 401 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:27,227 I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN LET ME COME INTO YOUR MOTEL ROOM. 402 00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,427 - WELL-- 403 00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:31,097 - I WOULD HAVE STOPPED THIS TEN MINUTES AGO. 404 00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:33,473 - WELL, I MEAN, JUST OUT OF COURTESY TO... 405 00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,670 - YOU SEEM TO BE A GOOD GUY, 406 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,170 AND THAT'S A GOOD THING. 407 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,270 I JUST HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY. 408 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,430 - I-- - WELL, GOOD LUCK. 409 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:42,697 I HOPE IT WORKS OUT WITH YOU AND CINDY. 410 00:16:42,733 --> 00:16:45,603 WE'RE GONNA GO. 411 00:16:45,633 --> 00:16:49,403 BUT DON'T LET PEOPLE TAPE YOU IN PRIVATE MOMENTS. 412 00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:51,333 IT'S ILLEGAL ALMOST. 413 00:16:51,367 --> 00:16:53,597 I MEAN, IT'S NOT, 'CAUSE I'LL HAVE YOU SIGN A FORM, 414 00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:55,703 BUT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS. 415 00:16:55,733 --> 00:16:58,573 YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ON THIS SHOW. 416 00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,830 BYE, CINDY. 417 00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:09,527 - I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN POUR ACID IN YOUR FACE. 418 00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:10,927 - JUST DO IT. 419 00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:12,697 AFTER, I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL, 420 00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:15,073 YOU GUYS PAINT SATANIC STUFF ALL OVER THE VAN, 421 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,130 THEN GO DITCH IT. 422 00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:17,927 - HOST JON BENJAMIN WAS THE VICTIM 423 00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:20,767 OF A VICIOUS, RACIALLY MOTIVATED ACID ATTACK. 424 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:26,300 - IF YOU DO ONE THING TO HARM MY VAN, 425 00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,903 I WILL COME HUNT YOU DOWN. 426 00:17:27,933 --> 00:17:29,573 WHERE'D YOU DITCH THE VAN? 427 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,270 - DON'T WORRY. NO ONE WILL EVER FIND IT. 428 00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,400 - [sighs] 429 00:17:33,433 --> 00:17:35,933 WHERE'D YOU FIND THE VAN, MA'AM? 430 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,067 - MY SON NATHAN SOLD IT TO ME. 431 00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:42,327 - PLEASE STEP OUT OF THE VAN, MA'AM. 432 00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:46,067 [poignant music] 433 00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:49,067 PLEASE STEP OUT OF THE VAN, MA'AM. 434 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:53,167 * 435 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:57,367 - NICE AND EASY. 436 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,100 - WHAT'S GOING ON? 437 00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:02,573 - JUST, UH, WALK TO THE BACK OF THE VEHICLE FOR US. 438 00:18:07,833 --> 00:18:09,533 - JON BENJAMIN'S 911. 439 00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:15,497 - OH...OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS? 440 00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:18,073 I CALLED, LIKE, TEN MINUTES AGO. 441 00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,700 OH, [bleep]. ALL RIGHT, UM... 442 00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,230 I SPOKE TO TWO DIFFERENT OPERATORS. 443 00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:25,827 I CALLED TWICE, I SPOKE TO THEM. 444 00:18:25,867 --> 00:18:27,297 THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE BY NOW. 445 00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:28,633 I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON. 446 00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:31,067 I'LL CALL 'EM AGAIN. LISTEN... 447 00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:35,327 ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CALL 911 AGAIN FOR YOU. 448 00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,197 I'M JON BENJAMIN. 449 00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:39,303 HANG IN THERE. 450 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,200 HERE'S JONNY BENJAMIN! 451 00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:07,403 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOIN'? 452 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,570 - YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. 453 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,870 - WELL, YEAH. 454 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:23,070 I, UH...WELL-- 455 00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:27,497 - GET BACK HERE! 456 00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,067 - THIS IS OFFICER MALLOY REQUESTING BACKUP. 457 00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:48,067 WE GOT A RUNNER HEADED EASTWARD BOUND. 458 00:19:48,067 --> 00:19:49,297 male news anchor: YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY, DENISE, 459 00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:52,303 THE MAN RUNNING LOOKS A LOT LIKE JON BENJAMIN, 460 00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:54,803 THE SAME MAN THAT HAD ACID THROWN IN HIS FACE 461 00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:56,603 TWICE BY BLACK SATANISTS. 462 00:19:56,633 --> 00:19:58,233 - IT REALLY DOES RESEMBLE HIM, 463 00:19:58,267 --> 00:20:02,467 BUT WHY WOULD JON BENJAMIN BE RUNNING FROM THE POLICE? 464 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:03,700 WELL, WHOEVER IT IS, 465 00:20:03,733 --> 00:20:04,703 IT IS CERTAINLY AMAZING 466 00:20:04,733 --> 00:20:06,503 TO WATCH A SEASONED PRACTITIONER 467 00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:09,433 OF PARKOUR MAKE HIS WAY ACROSS A CITYSCAPE. 468 00:20:09,467 --> 00:20:10,867 - YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 469 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:12,170 IT'S SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH, 470 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,270 DESPITE THE FAR-FROM-IDEAL CIRCUMSTANCES. 471 00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:18,270 [upbeat electronic music] 472 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,400 * 473 00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:39,270 [upbeat electronic music] 474 00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:47,300 * 475 00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:52,267 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 32446

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