Original subtitles

HOW ONE FAMILY'S TERRIBLE TRAGEDY

HAS FINALLY PAID DIVIDENDS.

TERROR ON THE ROADWAYS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SHOCKED AT WHAT CAUSES

80% OF THE ACCIDENTS ON THE ROAD TODAY.

AND WE'LL SPEAK TO THE CONTROVERSIAL AUTHOR

OF THE PEDOPHILE'S GUIDE TO MAKING MILLIONS IN REAL ESTATE.

BUT DOES HIS SYSTEM WORK?

ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

[exciting music]

- [grunts]

*

- [sighs]

[device beeps]

[explosion]

*

- IN 2008, DAVID AND JANICE RANDALL

HAD A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL, CANDICE.

A YEAR AFTER, A TRAGIC ACCIDENT OCCURRED,

LEAVING CANDICE IN A COMA.

IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS NOW,

AND THE PARENTS ARE STILL STRUGGLING TO COPE.

SO HOW HAS IT BEEN?

- I MEAN, WE WERE NOT WELL OFF WHEN THIS HAPPENED...

TO CANDICE, SO IT'S JUST LIKE,

YOU KNOW, ONE THING ON TOP OF THE NEXT.

THE GOOD THING IS WE HAD SO MANY PEOPLE HELP OUT.

YOU KNOW?

LETTERS OF SUPPORT, DONATING THEIR TIME.

PEOPLE HAVE...

JUST BEEN SO GENEROUS. - YEAH.

- WHAT'S EVEN MORE SHOCKING THAN THE RANDALL SITUATION

IS THAT ONLY 20 YARDS AWAY ON THE SAME BLOCK

IS ANOTHER HOUSEHOLD DEALING WITH THE EXACT SAME TRAGEDY--

ANOTHER BABY IN A COMA.

I'VE JUST SPOKEN TO THE RANDALLS.

HOW HAS IT BEEN FOR YOU?

- OUR LIVES HAVE COMPLETELY CHANGED.

- IT'S BEEN GREAT.

IT'S JUST BEEN AN INCREDIBLE YEAR AND A HALF.

- IT'S BEEN-- IT'S BEEN GREAT?

- I MEAN, ONCE WE STARTED TELLING PEOPLE

ABOUT JEREMY AND HIS COMA,

MONEY AND GIFTS, DONATIONS,

UH, TV APPEARANCES,

WHICH LEADS TO MORE MONEY AND GIFTS.

UM, OH, [bleep], WE GOTTA SHOW HIM THE POOL.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE POOL?

- THE POOL. - WHOA.

- YEAH, HUH? - IT'S REALLY NICE.

- BRAND NEW, HEATED. UM, WE ACTUALLY JUST BOUGHT

A THIRD OF AN ACRE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL...

- DO YOU THINK IT'S A STRANGE COINCIDENCE

THAT YOUR BABY SUFFERED THE SAME FATE

AS THE RANDALLS' BABY, AND YOU GUYS LIVE

BASICALLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM EACH OTHER?

- COINCIDENCE? NO. NO.

NO, WE GOT THE IDEA FROM THE RANDALLS.

SEE, WE SAW HOW BENEFICIAL, UH, A BABY IN A COMA

WAS FOR THE RANDALLS,

AND WE DECIDED WE WANTED TO GET ONE.

- SO YOU FOUND A PLACE WHERE YOU COULD OBTAIN A BABY IN A COMA?

- ADOPT. - ADOPT.

[gunshot, distant scream]

- [exhales]

- WE TRAVELED TO NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT

TO TALK TO THE RYAN FAMILY.

- TWINS. UH, TWO BABIES, BOTH IN COMAS.

A BROTHER AND SISTER.

UM, WE HAVE A BOOK DEAL AND A TV SHOW IN THE WORKS.

AND WE MET THE VICE-PRESIDENT.

- UH, WHY WOULD PEOPLE DO THIS?

- I MEAN, WHY WOULD PEOPLE EXPLOIT INNOCENT BABIES IN COMAS

FOR FINANCIAL GAIN? I MEAN,

HONESTLY, I MEAN, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY? I--REALLY.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TAKE CARE OF TWO BABIES IN COMAS EVERY DAY. DO YOU?

BECAUSE UNLESS YOU DO,

I WOULD BE HESITANT TO PASS JUDGMENT ON THOSE THAT DO.

- UH, CAN YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION?

- WHAT AN ASS [bleep].

- THAT'S MY HUSBAND.

- I KNOW, I MEAN, HE'S PROBABLY NICE.

[sensual music]

- [laughs]

*

SO WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELVES IN FIVE YEARS?

- TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, AS A FAMILY.

MAKIN' MONEY.

UH, SO I THINK WE'LL PROBABLY DO A LITTLE--A LITTLE TRAVELING.

- [baby cries]

[crying]

- OH, MY GOD!

[gasps] [crying continues]

- [Bleep].

- SO I'M STANDING HERE IN DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN,

AND I'M GOING TO GO INTO THIS SURVEILLANCE SHOP

WHICH SPECIALIZES IN SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT.

AND I'M GOING TO TRY AND STEAL SOMETHING FROM THEM.

[ominous music]

*

HOW YOU DOING?

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music]

*

- OKAY. I CAN COME BY.

- OKAY, GREAT.

- SIR, DID YOU--CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR POCKET?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? MY CELL PHONE.

- JUST YOUR CELL PHONE? - YEAH.

- 'CAUSE I SAW YOU TAKING SOMETHING.

- OH, YOU DID?

YOU SAW ME.

DID YOU SEE ME TAKE THIS? - I SEE IT NOW.

- THIS ONE. - YES.

CAN YOU PLEASE RETURN IT?

- I-- - JAVAN!

- DO YOU HAVE IT ON CAMERA?

- YES, I DO, ACTUALLY.

- THAT'S TAPING IT. - HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?

- JAVAN! - I--I--

- JAVAN! [indistinct female voice]

- [speaking Hebrew]

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK HEBREW FOR THIS.

IT'S A MISUNDERSTANDING. I WAS--

- IT'S NOT A MATTER OF HEBREW.

- IT'S A MISUNDERSTANDING BECAUSE WE--

WE HAVE IT ALSO ON CAMERA.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE IT ALSO ON CAMERA?

- WE HAVE IT ON CAMERA, AS WELL.

WE'VE BEEN DOING SURVEILLANCE ON YOU AS WELL.

- SO IT'S A-- - IT'S A DOUBLE SURVEILLANCE,

BASICALLY.

ARE YOU THE OWNER?

- YES. - YES, HE IS THE OWNER.

- HEY, I'M JON...

BENJAMIN. - SO--

- OH.

- [speaking Hebrew]

- I WAS TRYING TO, UH, STEAL SOMETHING

FROM A SURVEILLANCE SHOP JUST FOR FUN.

I'M SORRY I TRIED TO STEAL FROM YOUR SURVEILLANCE SHOP.

- [laughing] OKAY.

YOU GOT CAUGHT. - ALL RIGHT.

- I DID. I'M SORRY.

- DRIVING. EVERYBODY DOES IT. IN FACT,

I'M DRIVING RIGHT NOW.

BUT DRIVING CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

LAST YEAR ALONE, THERE WERE OVER 50,000 DEATHS

AS A RESULT OF CAR ACCIDENTS.

80% OF THOSE WERE A DIRECT RESULT OF THIS--

ORAL SEX WHILE DRIVING.

OR WHAT SOME CALL O.S.D.

OOH. OR WHAT OTHERS CALL...

ROAD HEAD.

[R&B music]

*

- SO IT HAPPENED HERE.

THE CAR, IT VEERED OFF THIS WAY AND CRASHED INTO THIS TREE.

- WOW. AND YOU WERE IN THE CAR?

- YEAH. I WAS ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT,

AND MY MOTHER WAS IN THE FRONT SEAT,

GIVING MY FATHER ROAD HEAD.

- HOW HAS THIS AFFECTED YOUR LIFE?

- WELL, I DON'T HAVE PARENTS ANYMORE.

- YEAH, BUT BESIDES THAT.

- UM, WELL, I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP IN CARS.

AND I ALSO CAN'T PERFORM ORAL SEX

ON SOMEONE WHO'S DRIVING. - WOW.

IT'S BEEN OVER THREE MINUTES OF ME RECEIVING ROAD HEAD,

AND WHEN IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING YOU CAN REALLY FEEL

HOW IT CAN IMPAIR YOUR ABILITY TO DRIVE.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN, UH, THROWING MY HEAD BACK A LOT, AND--

THE SENSATION ALONE IS REALLY--

IT'S DIFFICULT TO CONCEN-- [thud]

[tires screech]

- JESUS. WHAT THE [bleep]?

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- WHAT HAPPENED? - WHAT HAPPENED?

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- I DON'T KNOW, I-- I THINK I HIT SOMETHING.

[Bleep].

- ARE YOU OKAY? - OH, NO.

- WHAT IS IT?

OH, MY GOD. [Bleep].

- IT'S A PONY.

- OH, MY GOD, WE HIT A PONY.

[microphone thumps] - IS THAT BAD LUCK?

- YES.

- JON.

[ominous music] IT'S AN OLD GYPSY WOMAN.

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN RIDING THE PONY.

- OH, NO, DAVE, NO.

OH, MY GOD.

IS HITTING A GYPSY BAD LUCK?

- YES.

- NO!

SIMZA! MY LOVE!

NO...

YOU...

KILLED HER.

- NO.

YOU KILLED MY SIMZA.

- NO, I--I DIDN'T, SIR. I'M SORRY--

- I...CURSE YOU!

[ominous music]

- YOU WHAT? YOU CURSE ME?

- YES, I CURSE YOU.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- TERRIBLE EPISODE.

- [laughing] YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

I DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES, SIR,

SO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO MOURN YOUR LOSS...

I'M SORRY I KILLED YOUR WIFE, OR MOTHER, OR WHATEVER,

BUT I DON'T--

- THE CURSE OF THE TERRIBLE EPISODE!

- OKAY. TERRIBLE EPISODE, LIKE A HEART ATTACK,

OR TERRIBLE EPISODE LIKE THIS SHOW?

- TERRIBLE EPISODE, THE SHOW.

- LOOK, THIS IS SILLY.

- [laughing] YES.

- YES, WHAT?

- YOU CANNOT ESCAPE CURSE.

- YES, I CAN, 'CAUSE THERE IS NONE.

- YES, THERE IS.

- NO, THERE ISN'T. - YES, THERE IS.

- [imitates accent] NO, THERE ISN'T.

WHAT?

- YOU SEE?

- WHAT DO I SEE?

- TERRIBLE EPISODE ALREADY HAPPENING.

[chimes]

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- [laughing] THIS LONG, BORING CONVERSATION

IS TERRIBLE!

- YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT, WE--WE SHOULD GO.

WE'RE LEAVING.

- [groans] - OKAY, I GOT IT.

- [maniacal laugh]

- YOU CURSED US, WE GET IT. - [laughs]

TERRIBLE EPISODE!

[laughter]

- OH, MAN.

THAT WAS SO STUPID.

ONE LESS GYPSY, RIGHT?

[laughter]

- HEY, GUYS, MY GRANDMOTHER WAS PART GYPSY, OKAY?

- WAS SHE KILLED BY A VAN?

[raucous laughter]

I MEAN, I'M SORRY I HIT THE WOMAN,

BUT, I MEAN, COME ON.

WE GET OURSELVES IN SOME CRAZY SITUATIONS, RIGHT?

[gasps]

- TERRIBLE EPISODE. EVERY CLICHE!

- [panting]

OH, IT WAS A DREAM.

WAIT, WAKING UP AND REALIZING IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

THAT IS A CLICHE.

AND IN VOICEOVER? UGH, TERRIBLE.

[yawns]

- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT MY ANNIVERSARY.

[laugh track]

- DAD, YOU OVERSLEPT. [laugh track]

- I SHOULD BE TELLING YOU THAT, SON.

[laugh track]

WAIT A MINUTE, I'M NOT MARRIED.

I DON'T HAVE A KID. [whimsical music]

I DON'T SMOKE.

- DAD!

- OH, TO BE 11 AGAIN. NO STRESS, NO BILLS,

NO ANNIVERSARIES TO REMEMBER. [magical chimes]

- I WISH I WAS OLDER, SO I COULD HAVE A COOL BEARD TOO.

both: I WISH I WAS HIM FOR JUST ONE DAY.

[coughing]

- OH, MY GOD.

[eerie music]

*

[chuckles]

[coughing] WELL, I'M OFF TO SCHOOL.

BYE, MOM.

BYE, DAD. [laugh track]

[coughs]

- I SHOULD NEVER HAVE HIT THAT GYPSY'S PONY.

- TERRIBLE EPISODE. EVERY CLICHE!

- [sighs]

I HATE THIS STUPID CURSE!

[dramatic music]

*

- [screams]

- OOF!

OH, GOD. ANOTHER GYPSY WOMAN?

- YOU MURDERED ANOTHER GYPSY.

THIS TIME YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT.

[sirens whoop]

- COME ON!

- YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS. [grunts]

COME ON. JUST STOP THIS.

LET ME GO! YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST STOP THIS, GYPSY?

- [maniacal laugh]

- THIS WHOLE THING IS BECAUSE A GYPSY CURSED MY SHOW.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I'M NOT EVEN A LITTLE BOY,

I'M A GROWN MAN!

AW, COME ON!

[soft music]

*

- HI, DAD.

- [sighs] SON.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME TO SEE ME.

- OF COURSE, DAD.

I'M SORRY WE COULD NEVER SWITCH BACK AGAIN.

- IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

- I LOVE YOU.

- YEAH. WHATEVER.

- IT'S TIME.

- LET'S DO IT.

[dramatic music]

- STAY STRONG, JON. - THANKS, BRIAN.

- PONY MURDERER!

- GYPSY HATER!

- PEDOPHILE! - HEY, I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE.

- NO. ME. I'M A PEDOPHILE.

- OH.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE THIS WAY. - [maniacal laughter]

- I DON'T WANT TO DIE THIS WAY!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE THIS WAY!

[gasps] OH.

OH, THANK GOD.

- ADMINISTERING LETHAL INJECTION NOW.

[dramatic music]

- THANKS. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ELECTRIC CHAIR.

- NO PROBLEM.

[dramatic music] [screaming]

*

- TERRIBLE EPISODE OVER.

- I'M JON BENJAMIN, AND THIS IS HANG UP ON THEM.

[click, dial tone]

[funky music]

ARE YOU ON THE PHONE? - YEAH, I AM.

- CAN YOU HANG UP ON THEM?

- UH, HANG UP ON THEM, WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON?

- JUST-- WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

- UH, MY MANAGER.

- OH. CAN YOU HANG UP?

- WHY? CAN--

- [muttering] WE'RE ON HANG UP ON THEM.

[car horn] - KATIE, I'M BEING ASKED

TO HANG UP ON YOU, SO I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- OKAY. - BY A TV CREW.

I'M NOT...SURE WHY.

- IT'S OKAY, JUST DO IT. - OKAY, BYE.

- ALL RIGHT, GOOD. WE GOT 'EM, RIGHT?

- WHAT? - THAT WAS YOUR MANAGER?

- YEAH. - AND YOU HUNG UP.

- YES. - ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

THIS IS HANG UP ON THEM. - UH-HUH.

- THIS IS THE SHOW. - OH!

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

[dial tone]

- ARE YOU ON YOUR PHONE? - YEAH.

- YOU WANT TO HANG UP? - NO.

- CAN YOU HANG UP?

- LET ME CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.

- HANG UP ON 'EM.

- LET ME CALL YOU RIGHT BACK. - HANG UP ON THEM.

- WHAT'S UP? - ALL RIGHT,

YOU'RE ON HANG UP ON THEM, AND YOU DID IT.

- OH, THAT'S IT. - THAT'S IT, MAN, THANKS.

- NO WORRIES.

[dial tone]

- YOU GUYS JUST GO AROUND

TELLING PEOPLE TO HANG UP THEIR PHONES?

- YEAH.

- THAT'S SO MUCH FUN.

- CAN YOU HANG UP-- ARE YOU ON THE PHONE?

- YEAH, HOLD ON. SOMEBODY'S HERE WITH A MICROPHONE.

- YEAH, WHAT-- - CAN YOU HANG UP ON 'EM?

- YEAH, WELL, I COULD STOP THE CALL--WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- LIKE HANG UP.

- WHY? - DID YOU HANG UP?

- YEAH. WHY?

- WELL, WHO WAS THAT? - THE GUY I WORK WITH, WHY?

- WELL, YOU JUST HUNG UP ON HIM. - YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, GOOD. - YOU ASKED ME TO,

DIDN'T YOU? YES OR NO?

- WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT.

- WELL, I--IT WAS TIME.

- OH, GOOD. GOOD. WELL, YOU'RE ON HANG UP ON THEM.

THAT'S--THIS IS MY SHOW. - THAT'S RUDE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR SHOW? WHO ARE YOU?

- I'M JUST THE HOST OF HANG UP ON THEM, THE SHOW THAT--

THAT TRIES TO GET-- - ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?

[dial tone]

- EXCUSE ME, SIR? COULD I--

[ominous music] - TERRIBLE EPISODE NOT OVER.

[maniacal laugh]

- THIS WHOLE THING IS BECAUSE A GYPSY CURSED MY SHOW.

- THE CURSE OF THE TERRIBLE EPISODE!

- YOU CURSED US, WE GET IT.

- CAN WE PLEASE JUST STOP THIS, GYPSY?

- ADMINISTERING LETHAL INJECTION NOW.

TERRIBLE EPISODE NOT OVER.

[upbeat music]

- [laughs]

[slide whistle] - [barking laugh]

- HEY,

- [barks] WOW!

WAH, WAH, WOW!

OW! [slide whistle and horn]

OOH! [applause]

WAH!

WHOO! OH!

WHOO-HOO-HOO-WOW! [blubbering and barking]

[toilet flushing]

- I'D GIVE IT A MINUTE. - OH.

[sniffs]

[record scratch] [flatulence]

- WHOA-O-O-O-OH! [laugh track]

OH! OH!

WO-O-O-O-OW! [laugh track]

[ringing]

- HELLO? - HEY, REACTION, IT'S MIKE.

UH, I'M STUCK IN TRAFFIC, SO I'LL BE RUNNING LATE.

- WHA-- WHO-O-O-O-AH!

[screams and barks] [laugh track]

[gasps] AAH!

[record scratch]

[gasping]

[sad music]

- REACTION.

- THAT'S MY WIFE.

- I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

UH, I--

I--I LOVE HER. I HAVE FOR A YEAR.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

- YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE.

- RE--REACTION--

HE NEEDED TO KNOW.

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW... THAT THIS WAS RIGHT, NOT WRONG.

- SHOOT.

- DON'T FEEL THAT WAY.

LET'S JUST CONTINUE. - OKAY.

- OW...OKAY.

OH-- [both groan]

[dramatic music]

*

- THIS HAS TO STOP.

- WHAT? THE DRESS? I DIDN'T DO THAT.

- LOOK, GYPSY, JUST STOP THIS EPISODE.

- WHY? BECAUSE IT'S TERRIBLE?

- I JUST WANT IT TO END, SO I'M BEGGING YOU,

JUST-- I'LL DO ANYTHING.

JUST... TELL ME HOW TO END IT.

- WELL, THERE IS ONLY ONE THING

THAT CAN END THE CURSE OF THE TERRIBLE EPISODE.

- GREAT. I'LL DO IT. ANYTHING. TELL ME.

- IT'S COMING.

- WHAT'S COMING?

YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE GONNA TELL ME.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME?

- IT WILL HAPPEN.

- [laughs] WHAT?

- IT'S COMING.

- GYPSY, ARE YOU [bleep] WITH ME, OR NOT?

- OH, NO! - YES, YOU ARE.

- [laughing] OH, NO-HO-HO, NO.

NO. THE CURSE...

WILL BE OVER VERY SOON.

- WHEN?

- IT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

- [moans] - IRENE?

- DAVID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

- HOW COULD YOU? - DON'T TELL YOUR FATHER, OKAY?

- [maniacal laugh]

- WAIT, HOW IS THIS PART OF THE CURSE?

- IT'S NOT. I JUST WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE.

- YOU'RE AN ASS [bleep].