Original subtitles

- TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

WHAT IMPORTANT PIECE OF CULTURAL HISTORY

IS THIS MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR?

IS THE AMERICAN MUSICAL IN DANGER OF EXTINCTION?

WE'LL TALK TO ONE OF BROADWAY'S MOST INNOVATIVE PRODUCERS.

AND WE'LL MEET CHAN HO.

WHO MANY CLAIM TO BE THE WORLD'S LOUDEST WAITRESS.

- [yelling] WHAT?

[yelling in Chinese]

- ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

[dramatic newscast music]

*

- [grunts]

- [sighs]

[bomb beeping]

[explosion]

[birds chirping]

[somber classical music]

- IN 1973, 46-YEAR-OLD LARRY HEARST,

A CITY ENGINEER LIVING IN CRANSTON, RHODE ISLAND

HAD A DREAM OF BECOMING FAMOUS.

AT A COOKOUT,

HE TURNED TO HIS NEIGHBOR GERALD DEGRAS,

AND PURPORTEDLY SAID,

- HEY...

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU GAVE YOUR WIFE

THE OLD HOT DOG IN THE [bleep].

- LARRY DIDN'T KNOW IT THEN,

BUT HE HAD BEGUN HIS JOURNEY TOWARDS COINING

ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR PHRASES EVER

IN AMERICA'S HISTORY.

BUT LARRY HEARST KNEW HE WAS ON TO SOMETHING

AND TRIED AGAIN JUST ONE WEEK LATER.

HE HAD HEARD A FRIEND OF HIS WAS DATING A WOMAN

WHO WORKED WITH THEM AND SAID,

- I HEARD YOU'RE SLIPPIN' SALLY ANDREWS

THE OL' HOT DOG INJECTION.

- HIS FRIEND WAS CONFUSED AND VAGUELY OFFENDED,

AND LARRY WAS DISHEARTENED.

TWO NIGHTS LATER ON THE VERGE OF GIVING UP,

LARRY DECIDED TO MAKE ONE FINAL ATTEMPT

AT HIS PHRASE.

WHILE BOWLING, LARRY TURNED TO HIS FRIEND FRANK WILLIAMS,

GESTURING TOWARD THE WOMAN WHO WORKED

AT THE COUNTER AND SAID,

- HOW ABOUT HER?

I BET YOU WOULDN'T MIND GIVING HER A HOT BEEF INJECTION.

[dramatic music]

- [laughs]

[laughter]

[triumphant music]

- [slowed laughter]

- [slowed] HOT BEEF INJECTION.

- I REMEMBER HIM COMING HOME THAT NIGHT

AND BEING REALLY HAPPY,

LIKE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED.

DAD SAID IT FOR THE FIRST TIME TO SOMEONE,

AND MADE THEM LAUGH.

- MM.

- FROM THERE, THINGS GOT PRETTY CRAZY.

[upbeat music]

- THINGS DID GET PRETTY CRAZY

AS THE PHRASE "HOT BEEF INJECTION"

SPREAD LIKE A FIRESTORM.

BECOMING MUCH BIGGER THAN IN LARRY'S WILDEST FANTASIES.

- IT DIDN'T CHANGE OUR LIVES MUCH,

BUT IT DEFINITELY AFFECTED MY DAD.

HE WAS SAYING IT A LOT AND AT THAT TIME

HE WAS DRINKING A LOT AS WELL.

SO WHEN HE DRANK HE SAID IT EVEN MORE.

- DID HE EVER SAY IT TO YOU?

- OH, GOD, NO.

HE NEVER SAID IT TO ME, I WAS TOO YOUNG.

- WHAT WAS IT THAT HE SAID?

- "HOT BEEF INJECTION."

- [laughs]

SAY--SAY IT AGAIN.

- [shakily] "HOT BEEF INJECTION."

- [laughs] WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

- [cries] BECAUSE...

- SO THIS WAS LARRY'S LOCAL BAR?

- YEAH, HE USED TO COME IN HERE A LOT.

LARRY WAS ALWAYS BRINGING ATTENTION TO THE FACT

THAT HE CAME UP WITH THE PHRASE.

EVERYONE WAS GETTING TIRED OF HIM SAYING IT, THOUGH.

I MEAN, UNLESS YOU'RE EIGHT YEARS OLD

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BUST UP EVERY TIME YOU HEAR

"HOT BEEF INJECTION."

- [chuckles]

SORRY.

BUT THE INITIAL RUSH OF FAME

PROVED TO BE TOO MUCH FOR LARRY,

AND HE FOUND HIMSELF BROKE AND ADDICTED TO DRUGS.

- I THINK LARRY FELT LIKE HE WAS UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE

TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEW,

AND THAT'S WHEN HE COINED THE PHRASE

HE WAS MOST WELL KNOWN FOR,

"GOD HATES [bleep]."

- "GOD HATES [bleep]" WAS HUGE FOR HIM.

IT DEFINITELY PULLED HIM OUT OF A REALLY DARK PLACE.

IT ALSO BROUGHT HIM INTO A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE

WHO SUPPORTED HIM,

AND REALLY APPRECIATED WHAT HE DID.

AND HE NEVER GOT THAT WITH "HOT BEEF INJECTION."

- IN JUNE OF 1982, JUST ONE WEEK

AFTER HE COINED THE PHRASE "GOT HATES [bleep],"

LARRY HEARST DIED TRAGICALLY

IN A SPEEDBOAT ACCIDENT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR FATHER'S LASTING LEGACY WILL BE?

UM, "GOD HATES [bleep]," OR "HOT BEEF INJECTION?"

- DEFINITELY "GOD HATES [bleep]."

I MEAN, "HOT BEEF INJECTION" WAS LIKE MY FATHER'S

MEET THE BEATLES.

WHILE "GOD HATES [bleep]" WAS LIKE HIS

SGT. PEPPER'S.

- YOU GOT THOSE MADE?

- YES.

- WOW.

YOU--THEY'RE GREAT.

[dramatic newscast music]

[traditional accordion music]

- HELLO?

- LOOK AT THIS. - HELLO.

- OH. - THIS IS QUITE NICE.

- THIS IS NICE.

- EXCUSE ME.

- CAN WE HAVE, UH-- - GREAT.

- IT HAS PIQUED OUR CURIOSITY. - YES!

- GREAT.

UM, THIS IS THE, UH, 77-INCH, UH, ISTANBUL.

IT'S, UH, BLACK LEATHER.

IT'S A GIO CLASS LEATHER,

WHICH IS OUR BEST, AND UH--

- OKAY.

WELL, LET'S GET TO THE NITTY, UH, GRITTY

AS THEY SAY. - YES.

- AND, UH, WHAT IS THE PRICE? - WHAT IS THE COST OF THIS?

- SO, UM, ACTUALLY THIS IS OUR LAST ONE OF THESE, SO IT'S--

- THE FLOOR MODEL? - YEAH.

AND IT'S NORMALLY 3,885, BUT IT'S, UH, 30% OFF.

SO THAT BRINGS US DOWN TO ABOUT 3,150 OR SO.

- 3,150 FOR THIS COUCH. - YEP.

- DOES THIS INCLUDE SHIPPING, DELIVERY, SET UP, ALL THAT?

- UH, YEAH, YES. - IT DOES.

- YES. - INCLUDING.

ONE SECOND. - ONE SECOND.

- WE'LL NEED TO DISCUSS THIS.

[conversing quietly]

- WE WILL OFFER YOU,

$4,150 FOR THE COUCH.

- INCLUDING THE PILLOWS.

- I DON'T-- UM, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WE DON'T--

- THAT'S OKAY, 4,600.

- I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT--

THAT THE COUCH IS ON SALE,

THAT IT'S NOT--

- I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

THAT WE'LL PAY $5,000 FOR THE COUCH.

[cash register rings]

MANY PEOPLE FEEL THAT JEWS ARE CONSTANTLY

TRYING TO BARGAIN DOWN ON PRICE--

- HENCE THE PHRASE, "JEW THEM DOWN."

- WE'RE GOING UP. - YEAH, BUT YOU'RE--YEAH.

- YES. - THAT'S WHY I WAS...

- YEAH, YOU'RE SURPRISED BY THAT.

- UH, YEAH.

- YOU DIDN'T EXPECT TWO JEWS TO COME IN HERE

AND TRY TO JEW YOU UP!

- OUR ORGANIZATION IS CALLED "JEW THEM UP."

AND WHAT WE DO IS GO AROUND TO SHOPS, STORES, MALLS,

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY,

AND WE OFFER THEM MORE.

- I WOULD HAVE TO CHECK, 'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW

IF I CAN TAKE MORE FOR IT.

- 6,000.

- $6,000 AND WE'LL CALL IT A DEAL.

FINAL OFFER, $6,000.

- I MEAN, ALL RIGHT, THAT SOUNDS GOOD, I--ALL RIGHT.

- ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL-- both: JEW THEM UP!

- WITH ALL THE ECONOMIC STRUGGLES

OF THE PAST FEW YEARS,

ONE INDUSTRY THAT WAS HIT EXTREMELY HARD

WAS BROADWAY.

WITH TICKET SALES DROPPING,

MANY BROADWAY PRODUCERS ARE TRYING NEW METHODS

TO FILL SEATS.

- TWO YEARS AGO,

WE PUT UP $17 MILLION IN CAPITAL,

TO FINANCE "SPACE DOG,"

A MUSICAL ABOUT LAIKA, THE FIRST DOG IN SPACE.

WITH MUSIC BY THE FOO FIGHTERS.

AND IT CLOSED AFTER TWO WEEKS.

BUT, YOU KNOW, TIMES ARE TOUGH ON BROADWAY RIGHT NOW.

- TWO YEARS AGO, I WOULD HAVE BEEN

TEN MINUTES TO CURTAIN RIGHT NOW.

NOW I'M HERE AT HOME,

WAITING FOR ANY CALL TO GET BACK TO WORK.

- I REALLY LIKE YOUR HOME DRESSING ROOM,

IT'S NICE.

- UH, NO, THIS IS MY LIVING ROOM.

MY DRESSING ROOM IS A MUCH SMALLER VERSION

OF THIS UPSTAIRS.

- SO YOU HAVE A DRESSING ROOM THEMED LIVING ROOM.

- I DO.

- BROADWAY IS NOT SOME ANCIENT RELIC, YOU KNOW?

IT'S NOT SOME OLD WOMAN

IN AN APARTMENT FULL OF CATS WAITING TO DIE, IT IS--

IT'S A LIVING, BREATHING, ORGANISM THAT HAS TO EVOLVE.

AND WE NEED IT TO PUT UP A SHOW,

THAT BETTER REFLECTS PEOPLE'S LIVES,

AND NOW WE'RE FILLING SEATS AND IT'S WONDERFUL.

- "THE HOUSE ON THE LAKE" IS BROADWAY'S

MOST INNOVATIVE NEW SHOW.

"THE HOUSE ON THE LAKE" WILL SURPRISE YOU.

[singing opera]

IT WILL TOUCH YOU.

IT IS THE ONLY SHOW ON BROADWAY

WHERE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE YOUR CELL PHONES

DURING THE PERFORMANCE.

[cell phones ringing, beeping]

- I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT.

I COULD REALLY RELAX AND ENJOY THE PLAY

KNOWING I WASN'T GONNA MISS A CALL.

- I'M IN SALES, AND I WAS ABLE TO TAKE

A COUPLE OF WORK CALLS.

THAT WAS GREAT.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

"HOUSE ON THE LAKE" IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

PLEASE TURN YOUR CELL PHONES ON.

[cell phones ringing, beeping]

- ISN'T IT DISTRACTING TO THE ACTORS?

- THE ACTORS BRING THEIR CELL PHONES ONSTAGE.

I THINK IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE AN ACTOR TAKE A CALL

DURING A PERFORMANCE.

PRETTY SOON... [cell phone rings]

EVERY SHOW ON BROADWAY IS GOING TO ALLOW CELL PHONES.

I MEAN, THEATER NEEDS TO BE A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE...

[cell phone rings] - OH, SORRY, ONE SECOND.

- CAN LIVE THEIR LIVES AND NOT BE RESTRICTED...

- HELLO? - HEY.

I CAME OUT OF THE TINKLEBERRY AND THE VAN'S GONE.

- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED? - I DON'T KNOW.

WE PARKED AROUND FRONT. I GUESS IT GOT TOWED.

- YOU'RE KIDDING ME, WHY'D YOU GO TO TINKLEBERRY?

- BECAUSE I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT IN MEN'S HEALTH.

- OBVIOUSLY WE NEED THE VAN, WHERE'S DAVE?

- I DON'T KNOW, I'LL CALL HIM.

- ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING DOWN. JESUS CHRIST. I GOTTA--

- ...SURFING ON THE MUSE THAT IS THEATER.

I THINK IF--IF SHAKESPEARE HAD HAD CELL PHONES IN HIS TIME,

HE WOULD HAVE NOT ONLY HAD THEM ON,

HE WOULD HAVE REQUIRED EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE

TO TAKE A CALL DURING THE SHOW!

I MEAN, IMAGINE--

[dramatic newscast music]

- SO WE WILL HAVE A HOT DOG

AND A SELTZER.

- HOW MUCH IS THAT?

- $2 EACH.

- $2 FOR THE HOT DOG. - $2 FOR THIS HOT DOG?

- IT'S A SMALL HOT DOG. - YES.

- WITH THE SELTZER HOW MUCH, TOTAL?

- TWO MORE? SO TWO AND TWO.

SO THAT'S $4. - $4.

- WE'LL GIVE YOU $20. - OKAY.

- HEY, COULD YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS MUFFIN, PLEASE?

- IT'S A ZUCCHINI WITH BLUEBERRIES?

- IT'S $2.45. - $2.45?

- $2.45 FOR THIS MUFFIN?

- IS THAT A HOMEMADE MUFFIN, OR A--

- OH, I DON'T KNOW. - YOU DON'T KNOW.

[conversing quietly]

- WE'LL GIVE YOU $5 FOR IT. - $5 FOR THE MUFFIN.

- IT'S $2.45

- ALL RIGHT, $6. $6, DON'T ANSWER.

WE'LL GIVE YOU $6.

- AND WE'LL ALSO TAKE AN EARL GREY TEA

AND WE'LL MAKE IT AN EVEN $10.

- I THINK THAT'S VERY FAIR.

- IT'S $10, FOR THE MUFFIN AND A TEA.

- 15, THERE IT IS. - HEY, YOU KEEP IT.

- TAKE IT, AND WE'LL THROW IN ONE MORE.

- YEAH. - HERE'S 16.

- $16. - $16 FOR A MUFFIN AND A TEA.

- ZUCCHINI BLUEBERRY. - KEEP THE MUFFIN.

WE DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE. YOU KEEP IT.

YOU KEEP THE MUFFIN AND THE TEA.

- WE JUST--

both: JEWED YOU UP!

- OKAY, OKAY.

[traditional accordion music]

- OH, GREAT, THERE'S DAVE.

HEY, WHERE'S THE VAN?

- UH, OKAY, LOOK, DON'T PANIC.

THE VAN'S BEEN REPOSSESSED.

- WHAT? - I KNOW.

I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT.

- WELL, HOW'D THAT HAPPEN? - UH, I DON'T KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE, IT'S REPOSSESSED.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO, WE'LL GO GET IT.

- WE CAN'T.

- WHY?

- OKAY...

THE REASON THE VAN WAS REPOSSESSED IS BECAUSE THE SHOW

IS OUT OF MONEY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DAVE?

[musical cell phone ringtone]

- ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON, HOLD ON A SECOND.

[musical cell phone ringtone]

UM, YEAH--HOLD ON.

HELLO?

OH, YEAH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I'M ON MY WAY.

- HOW IS THE SHOW OUT OF MONEY, DAVE?

- OKAY, LOOK, THAT WAS THE REPO CENTER,

I'M GONNA GO TAKE CARE OF THIS.

- NO [bleep] YOU'RE GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT.

- YES. - YOU'RE THE PRODUCER!

- I'VE GOT IT, IT'S UNDER CONTROL.

- 'CAUSE THE SHOW'S NOT CALLED "JON BENJAMIN HAD A VAN," DAVE!

- I KNOW, JON, I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT!

- GO DO IT!

[cars honking]

[dramatic music]

- MAN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

[car honks]

- HEY! GET OUT OF THE ROAD!

THE VAN'S BEEN REPOSSESSED.

- HEY, BUDDY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

- 'CAUSE THE SHOW IS OUT OF MONEY.

- SPARE SOME CHANGE, PAL?

- I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT!

- * WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

* WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? *

* EVERYTHING THAT RINGS TRUE *

* IS GONE

* NOW WHERE AM I GOING TO GO? *

* WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO *

* IS SHOW

* THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY THING *

* I NEED TO KNOW

[dramatic piano music]

all: * WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? *

* WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? *

* EVERYTHING THAT RINGS TRUE

* IS GONE

- * I CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO *

- * NO, I CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO *

all: * NO, WE CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO *

- * I CAN TELL YOU-- I CAN TELL YA, DAVE *

- DAVE! - HEY!

[all speaking at once]

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, DAVE?

- WELL, I CAME BY TO CHECK OUT REHEARSAL.

HOW'S IT GOING?

- OH, GREAT! - IT'S GREAT, AWESOME.

- WE WERE JUST GOING THROUGH, "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO."

- YEAH, I KNOW, I HEARD A LITTLE OF IT.

UH, IT SOUNDED GREAT.

- YEAH, AWESOME.

- I'VE BEEN SINGING IT ALL WEEK.

[laughter]

- HEY, SO, UH, IT'S GREAT YOU'RE HERE.

UH, DO YOU HAVE THE MONEY, BY ANY CHANCE?

WE REALLY NEED IT FOR THE, UH, PREP FOR THE SHOW.

- UH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT A COUPLE LOOSE ENDS TO TIE UP.

YOU KNOW, PRODUCER STUFF. - OH, YEAH.

- BUT DON'T WORRY, OKAY?

"SECRETS" IS A GO.

- ALL RIGHT. - ALL RIGHT! GREAT!

- UH, WELL, LISTEN, WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO GO FOR FOOD,

YOU WANNA JOIN US?

- UH, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- AWESOME. - HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY TREAT.

[cheers]

- YEAH. - AWESOME, THANKS, DAD.

- NO PROBLEM.

- YAY!

- WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

[dramatic piano music]

- THE ACTORS BRING THEIR CELL PHONES ON STAGE.

[cell phone rings] - HELLO?

- I CAME OUT OF THE TINKLEBERRY AND THE VAN'S GONE.

- YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

- THE REASON THE VAN WAS REPOSSESSED IS BECAUSE

THE SHOW IS OUT OF MONEY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE SHOW'S NOT CALLED "JON BENJAMIN HAD A VAN," DAVE!

- * I CAN TELL YA, DAVE

- DAVE! - HEY!

- HI.

- HEY, LISTEN, UH, IT'S GREAT YOU'RE HERE.

DO YOU HAVE THE MONEY BY ANY CHANCE?

WE REALLY NEED IT FOR ALL THE PREP WORK.

- WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

[dramatic piano music]

[musical cell phone ringtone]

- HELLO?

- ARE YOU HEARING THIS?

- * I'VE BEEN WAITING - * I'VE BEEN WAITING

- WHERE ARE YOU?

- I'M AT "HOUSE ON THE LAKE," WITH NATHAN AND LEO.

- THE MUSICAL?

- YEAH, THE MUSICAL.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE VAN?

- OH, I'M, UH, DEALING WITH IT AS WE SPEAK.

- WHERE ARE YOU?

- I'M AT THE, UH, REPO PLACE.

I'M HAGGLING WITH THE GUY.

- WHERE DO YOU WANNA EAT AFTER THIS?

- I DON'T KNOW, UH, MAYBE THAI FOOD?

- WELL, WE'RE STUCK IN TIMES SQUARE

UNTIL YOU GET THE VAN, SO HURRY.

- I WON'T LET YOU DOWN, JON.

- * EVERYTHING THAT RINGS TRUE *

- WHO'S SINGING?

- UH, THAT'S THE, UH, REPO GUY.

- * JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME *

- YEAH, JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME, JEFF.

- LOOK, JUST GET THE VAN,

ALL RIGHT, DAVE?

- I'M TIRED. - YEAH, YEAH.

- THAT WAS DAVE.

- NATHAN, I GOTTA GO, JON IS TALKING TO ME.

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH. - YEAH?

- YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH EACH OTHER?

- IT'S "HOUSE ON THE LAKE."

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

both: * WHOA, WHOA, WHOA

* THE LOVE WE'LL SHARE

* AND THE HOUSE ON THE LAKE *

[cheers and applause]

- THAT WAS AWFUL, IT WAS JUST CACOPHONY.

- YOU KNOW, I LIKED IT.

I MADE A BUNCH OF PHONE CALLS

I NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE OTHERWISE.

- YEAH, I ACTUALLY CALLED IN A BOMB THREAT

TO MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL

AS A JOKE.

- THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

- AS A JOKE.

- EVEN IF IT'S A JOKE, IT'S A FELONY.

- WELL, NOT IF THERE'S NO BOMB.

- YES. - YEAH, STILL--

- NO ONE'S GONNA GET HURT, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

- WELL, IT'S NOT AS BAD--

- [whistling a tune]

- BUT YOU'RE STILL GONNA GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR THAT.

[musical cell phone ringtone]

- YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW ME, I, LIKE, WENT THERE.

- DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?

- WHAT? - THAT GUY, WHISTLING.

DID YOU HEAR THE TUNE? - NO, WHAT?

- WHAT GUY? - WE GOTTA FOLLOW THAT GUY.

COME ON, JUST TRUST ME, WE GOTTA FOLLOW HIM.

COME ON!

- [whistling a tune]

[dramatic piano music]

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, IT SAYS "DO NOT ENTER."

[dramatic piano music]

- HEY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- JON, GUYS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- YOU SAID YOU WERE AT THE REPO CENTER, DAVE.

- I'VE NEVER FELT MORE A PART OF SOMETHING SO SPECIAL

IN MY LIFE.

- HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO WRONG?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

- WELL I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, MY FRIEND.

- NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT SEEMS.

all: * SECRETS, DO NOT ENTER *

* STAY AWAY FROM HERE

* I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND, SIR *

* BUT IT'S WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW *

* THAT YOU FEAR

- OKAY, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS.

all: * OOH-OOH-OOH

- OKAY, YEAH, I KEPT IT SECRET.

BUT WE ALL HAVE SECRETS.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- OH, COME ON, LEO.

YOU, FOR INSTANCE.

YEAH, YOU WEAR GLASSES WITH NO PRESCRIPTION

BECAUSE YOU THINK IT MAKES YOU LOOK SMARTER.

AND NATHAN, YOU WERE ON THE COVER OF "JELQ MAGAZINE."

YOU NEVER TOLD ANYBODY.

- HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?

- I HAVE A SUBSCRIPTION TO JELQ.

AND JON, OKAY, YES, I EMBEZZLED MONEY

FROM YOUR SHOW TO FINANCE A BROADWAY MUSICAL,

BUT ONLY AFTER YOU EMBEZZLED MONEY

FROM YOUR SHOW TO

INVEST IN YOUR DIRTY T-SHIRT BUSINESS.

- [laughs] THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

WELL, YOU BETTER HOPE THIS DOES WELL.

OR ELSE.

[dramatic music]

- * HOW COULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO WRONG? *

- * I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN *

- * I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, MY FRIEND *

- * NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT SEEMS! *

all: * SECRETS, DO NOT ENTER *

* STAY AWAY FROM ME

* I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND, SIR *

* BUT IT'S WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU FEAR *

- * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

all: * OOH-OOH-OOH

- YOU BETTER HOPE THIS DOES WELL, OR ELSE.

- * YOU'D BETTER HOPE THIS DOES WELL *

all: * OR ELSE!

[cell phone rings]

[cheers and applause]

[overlapping chatter]

- YOU WERE GOOD.

- AWESOME.

- SHH-SHH-SHH. - LISTEN.

- WE DID IT.

WE DID IT, "SECRETS, DO NOT ENTER"

IS GOING TO BE A SMASH!

[cheers]

- HEY!

EVERYONE, LOOK!

[cheers]

- HEY, HERE'S YOUR VAN BACK.

THANKS FOR THE CHECK.

[snapping fingers]

all: * SECRETS, DO NOT ENTER *

* STAY AWAY FROM ME

* I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND, SIR *

* BUT IT'S WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU FEAR *

- * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

all: * OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH

- * YOU'D BETTER HOPE THIS DOES WELL *

all: * OR ELSE!

[loud creaking]