Original subtitles

- TONIGHT ON...

SOMETIMES FATHERHOOD CAN BE AN ENDURANCE EVENT.

YOU'LL JUST NEVER GUESS HOW LITERAL THAT CAN BE.

PLUS A SPECIAL "SHAME ON ME" REPORT

FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE EDWARD SHEATH.

ALSO WE'LL VISIT WITH NEW YORK CITY'S NEW MASCOT,

GRUFFY THE PIGEON.

- NICE LOAFERS, ASS[bleep].

TOUGH LUCK, SWEETHEART. HE'S GAY.

YOU GUYS LEGAL?

- ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

[dramatic music]

- [straining]

*

- [sighs]

[bomb beeping]

- DIVORCE. IN RECENT YEARS,

IT HAS BECOME AN ALL-TOO-COMMON RESULT

IN MANY MARRIAGES.

AND WHEN CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED,

IT CAN AFFECT EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.

- FITNESS IS A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE.

WHEN MY WIFE AND I SEPARATED,

I RECEIVED FULL CUSTODY, SO...

THINGS REALLY CHANGED.

WORKOUT-WISE.

[exhales]

AS A TRIATHLETE, IT'S HARD BEING A SINGLE DAD.

- SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

- I STARTED ORGANIZING SINGLE DAD TRIATHLONS.

- IT'S A 1.2 MILE SWIM WITH A BABY,

THEN A 56 MILE BIKE WITH A BABY,

AND THEN A 13.1 MILE RUN WITH A BABY.

BASICALLY, IT'S A HALF IRONMAN WITH A BABY.

SINGLE DADS...

ON YOUR MARKS...

SET...

GO! [gunshot]

[babies crying]

- TRANSITIONING BETWEEN SWIMMING AND BIKING IS THE TOUGHEST,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE BABY.

PLUS, GETTING ON THE BIKE AND GETTING THE BABY HELMET ON

CAN COST VALUABLE SECONDS.

[cheers and applause]

[exciting music]

*

[cheers and applause]

- IS IT SAFE WHEN... THE BABIES DO THIS?

- UH...

- NO EVERYONE SUPPORTS JASON'S RADICAL CREATION.

THERE ARE THOSE WHO QUESTION

WHETHER THE CHILDREN'S BEST INTERESTS

ARE BEING ACCOUNTED FOR DURING SUCH A MENTALLY

AND PHYSICALLY DEMANDING COMPETITION.

THESE CONCERNS, HOWEVER, HAVEN'T SEEMED TO DIMINISH

THE RABID ENTHUSIASM OF THE EVENT'S NUMEROUS FANS--

MOSTLY SINGLE WOMEN.

WHY DO YOU COME SEE THIS EVENT?

- WELL, I'M VERY, VERY LONELY RIGHT NOW.

- ARE YOU...

COMING ON TO ME?

- WELL...

- YOU KNOW, IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY WIFE LEAVING ME,

I DON'T THINK I EVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

OF ORGANIZING A TRIATHLON EVENT

THAT YOU COULD PARTICIPATE IN WITH YOUR BABY.

IT'S FUNNY HOW THINGS WORK OUT.

I STILL HATE HER.

[dramatic music]

*

- MOST PEOPLE, AS THEY MATURE,

LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS ANGER IN AN ACCEPTABLE WAY.

AND MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS AGREE--

IT'S IMPORTANT TO LEARN HOW TO DO THIS.

SUPPRESS-- SUCCESS!

[bleep] [bleep] DAMN IT, YOU ASS[bleep]!

MOST PEOPLE, AS THEY MATURE,

LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER

IN AN ACCEPTABLE WAY.

AND MENTAL HOUSE--

[shouting] [bleep]!

LAST WINTER, WE DID A REPORT

ON HOW ANGER CAN DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS, CAREERS,

AND EVEN LIVES.

BACK THEN, WE CONSULTED WITH DR. LAURA MEISEL,

A PSYCHOLOGIST WHO SPECIALIZES IN THE TREATMENT OF PEOPLE

WITH RAGE ISSUES.

DR. MEISEL, HOW DO YOU DIFFERENTIATE

BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS MERELY ANGRY

AND SOMEONE WHO HAS WHAT YOU SAY "RAGE ISSUES"?

- EDWARD, I HAVE TOLD YOU, YOU CANNOT FILM YOUR SESSIONS.

- I THINK THIS IS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED.

- ALL RIGHT. WE'RE DONE HERE.

- OH, WE'RE NOT DONE. I'M PAYING FOR THIS!

[shouting] YOU WORK FOR ME!

YOU WORK FOR ME!

SINCE THAT REPORT,

I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT MY ANGER PROBLEM

HAS NOT IMPROVED AT ALL.

IN FACT, SEVERAL PEOPLE HAVE SAID

IT'S GOTTEN EVEN WORSE, INCLUDING...

MY SISTER, MY EX-GIRLFRIEND,

MY EX-WIFE, MY MOTHER,

MY BIRTH MOTHER, MY GRANDMOTHER,

MY SON, AND EVEN COMPLETE STRANGERS!

AAH! [thud]

THE TRAGEDY IS, AS DR. MEISEL--

WHO I'M NO LONGER SEEING-- SAID,

WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY AT SOMEONE ELSE,

YOU'RE REALLY JUST ANGRY AT YOURSELF.

AND IT MAKES SENSE THAT I'D BE ANGRY AT MYSELF,

BECAUSE I'M A DISGUSTING PIG.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME! THIS IS ME!

EVERY [bleep] INCH OF IT!

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep]!

I [bleep]!

I [bleep] HATE YOU!

WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME ALL THE TIME?

GET AWAY FROM ME!

I JUST WANNA [bleep]!

[exhales]

[breathing heavily]

I'M EDWARD SHEATH.

SHAME ON ME.

- SO THAT WENT WELL.

- IT ALWAYS GOES WELL.

- WELL, IT WAS BRUNCH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING THIS WEEKEND?

- UH... I HAVE SWIMMING LESSONS.

- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM?

- I-I DO. I'M JUST TRYING TO GET BETTER.

[horn honks, tires screech]

HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU JUST CUT ME OFF! - WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM,

MY FRIEND? - LET ME LOCK THE DOOR.

- EXCUSE ME? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

- YOU SHOULDN'T BE SPEEDING ON THIS ROAD.

- YOU JUST PULLED OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.

[overlapping yelling] LOOK IN YOUR MIRROR!

DON'T TELL ME TO GET BACK IN MY VAN.

LEARN HOW TO DRIVE! - I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE. 40 YEARS I DRIVE.

GO AWAY, GO AWAY. - YOU PEOPLE THINK

YOU OWN THE ROAD! - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU PEOPLE?

- COME ON OUT! LET'S GO. [overlapping shouting]

- OKAY, NOW HE'S GETTING OUT OF THE CAR.

- NO, I'M JEWISH, SO WE'RE ALL RIGHT!

- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT-- - I JUST HAPPEN TO HIT PEOPLE

WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE! LOOK IN THE MIRROR

WHEN YOU PULL OUT, OTHERWISE YOU'LL KILL SOMEONE!

- SHUT UP! GO AWAY!

DON'T YOU PUSH ME, [bleep]FACE!

- I JUST DID. I WILL PUSH YOU!

I WILL PUSH YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

AAH!

[overlapping shouting]

HE BIT ME!

- I TOLD YOU TO GET BACK IN YOUR VAN!

- YOU BIT ME!

- COURSE I BIT YOU.

- [bleep]!

[tires squealing] [bleep] YOU!

- YOU [bleep] MANIAC!

YOU BIT ME!

JESUS CHRIST! - YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JON.

- WHAT? - YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

- DO WHAT?

- YOU'VE GOT SOME SORT OF AN ANGER PROBLEM--

- SHUT THE [bleep] UP, LEO! - OH, [bleep] YOU.

- JUST GET IN! NATHAN, GET IN!

I'M GETTING OUT HERE.

- WHAT? - WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I WOULDN'T WAIT. I'M GONNA BE A WHILE.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

- JON!

- WHERE'S HE GOING?

- WHO CARES?

- WELL, WHO'S GONNA DRIVE?

[beep]

[chair vibrating]

[mystical music]

*

[all chanting]

[eerie note]

*

[singing prayer in Hebrew]

OH!

OH...OH!

[man singing prayer] OH, GOD!

OH...OH!

AAH! AAH!

[panting]

OY.

[glass shatters]

OH...

[sniffs]

- AAH!

- WHO ARE YOU?

- WHY HAVE YOU SHAVED YOUR BEARD?

THIS IS AGAINST HALACHA.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

- I'M YOUR WIFE.

- I'M NOT MARRIED.

WHY IS THERE BLOOD ON THE BED?

WHO ARE YOU? - [speaking Hebrew]

- THIS ISN'T MY HOTEL ROOM. I'M STILL DREAMING.

- [speaking Hebrew]

- I GOTTA WAKE UP. THIS--

[continues in Hebrew]

- I'M STILL DREAMING, RIGHT? I'M STILL DREAMING.

I DON'T--I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

[suspenseful music]

*

- JON, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM, ALL RIGHT?

I LEFT YOU GUYS ON FRIDAY, AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP,

AND WHEN I WOKE UP, I WAS IN SOME STRANGER'S APARTMENT.

SHE SAID SHE WAS MY WIFE, AND THERE WAS BLOOD ON THE BED.

THERE ARE ORTHODOX JEWS EVERYWHERE.

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I THINK I'M A WERE-JEW.

- ALL RIGHT, JUST CALM DOWN.

- LOOK, I'M IN PAJAMAS, ALL RIGHT, ON A PAY PHONE!

- YOU NEVER WEAR PAJAMAS.

- I KNOW! - WE'LL FIGURE THIS OUT.

- CAN WE GO NOW? - NO. NOT YET.

HOW LONG TILL SUNDOWN?

- A MINUTE OR TWO. - THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

- LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO TURN INTO AN ORTHODOX JEW, ALL RIGHT?

- JON, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO BE TOLERANT OF OTHERS.

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE!

- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TURN INTO AN ORTHODOX JEW.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. IT'S LIKE FOLKLORE.

- YOU'LL SEE.

IT'S COMING.

[whimpering] I CAN FEEL IT!

- IS SOMETHING GOING TO HAPPEN?

[suspenseful music]

*

- AAH!

- AAH!

- AAH!

[screaming continues]

- TODAY ON SWITCHEROO,

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A WEALTHY KID FROM THE CITY

AND SWITCH HIM WITH A WEALTHY KID FROM THE COUNTRY.

THIS IS SWITCHEROO.

- ALL RIGHT, LOGAN, HAVE A GREAT DAY IN THE COUNTRY.

- THANK YOU, ADAM.

- HEY, YOU MUST BE LOGAN. I'M JON.

YOU READY FOR YOUR SWITCHEROO? - YEAH!

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!

HERE WE ARE AT YOUR COUNTRY HOUSE.

SO I'M GONNA RING THE DOORBELL,

THE NANNY WILL ANSWER, THEN YOU'LL GO IN

AND I'LL SEE YOU IN NINE HOURS, OKAY?

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

[doorbell chimes]

- HI! - HI. THIS IS LOGAN

FROM THE CITY.

ALL RIGHT, LOGAN. SEE YOU LATER.

- IT'S WEIRD THAT THEY DON'T HAVE A DOORMAN HERE.

I HAVE A DOORMAN.

[jazzy music]

- ALL RIGHT, BOBBY, HERE WE ARE--

YOUR PLACE IN THE CITY.

I'LL BE BACK IN NINE HOURS, SO HAVE FUN.

- MM-HMM. BYE. - BYE.

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU? YOU MUST BE FROM THE COUNTRY.

- MM-HMM. - ALL RIGHT.

- THIS PLACE HAS A DOORMAN,

AND THE GUY, LIKE, OPENS THE DOOR FOR YOU.

- HEY. - HI.

I'M BOBBY FROM SWITCHEROO.

- OH, HI, BOBBY. I'M LOGAN'S NANNY.

COME ON IN. I'M GLAD TO SEE YA.

[soft music]

*

- KIRA! - YEAH?

- WHAT PARK IS THIS?

- IT'S CENTRAL PARK, HON.

- WHEN I GOT HERE, I SEE THE PARK

AND ALL THE BUILDINGS.

WHEN I LOOK OUT AT MY HOUSE,

IT'S JUST PLAIN OLD FLAT OCEAN.

- THEY HAVE, LIKE, A LITTLE PLAYHOUSE,

LIKE, OUTSIDE...

RIGHT BY THE OCEAN.

WE HAVE AN INDOOR POOL. THEY HAVE AN OUTDOOR POOL.

- THE POOL AREA WAS NICE,

BUT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT THAN MY POOL.

OURS IS DEEPER AND...

IT'S WIDER.

- LOGAN, ARE YOU DOING OKAY?

- YEAH. - CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?

- SURE. A JUICE.

SHEILA'S WHITE. OUR NANNY'S BLACK.

[quiet piano]

*

[seagulls squawking]

[piano continues]

*

- WELL, LOGAN, HERE WE ARE BACK AT YOUR HOME IN THE CITY.

SO OVERALL, HOW WAS YOUR DAY IN THE COUNTRY?

- MM. IT WASN'T THAT DIFFERENT.

- OH.

- SO HOW'D IT GO?

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME IN THE CITY?

- UH-HUH. - ALL RIGHT, YOU TAKE CARE.

- NEXT WEEK, WE'LL SWITCH HARRISON FORD

OF STATEN ISLAND...

- WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE COME UP TO ME AND SAY,

"HEY, HARRISON FORD, JUST LIKE THE ACTOR, HUH?"

I SAY, "YEAH, BUT COULD BE WORSE.

COULD BE BILL PULLMAN."

- WITH HARRISON FORD OF SAN JOSE.

- PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY, "HARRISON FORD!

OH! WHERE'S YOUR LIGHT SABER?"

I'M SICK OF IT.

- THAT'S NEXT TIME ON SWITCHEROO.

- [Hebrew accent] MY BEAUTIFUL PREGNANT WIFE DEVORAH.

- GOOD SHABBAS. - YES.

- HOW WAS YOUR BRIS? - IT WENT WELL.

BUT I'M HAPPY TO BE DONE AND GOING HOME.

DID YOU MAKE CHICKEN FAT? - OF COURSE.

IT'S GOOD FOR THE BABY.

- OR BABIES, GOD WILLING, HMM?

HONK AT THIS ASS[bleep] HE'S DRIVING LIKE A MULE!

- HON. - [honking]

- GO AROUND HIM.

- WHAT THE [bleep]?

- WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? - JON!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - DON'T HONK AT ME,

YOU ASS[bleep]! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T CALL ME AN ASS[bleep]! MOVE!

- YOU CAN'T JUST DRIVE LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.

YOU TERRIFIED ME! - GET BACK IN YOUR CAR AND GO!

WE'RE TRYING TO GET BY. - I'M SORRY.

I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING TOO!

- WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE ANAL WITH YOUR FRIENDS,

YOU DEPRAVED HOMOSEXUAL!

- YOU IGNORANT HATEMONGER!

- OH, YOU PUSH ME! - I'LL PUSH YOU--

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? - I'LL SHOW YOU ANAL!

- AAH! AAH!

AAH!

HE BIT ME! - WHAT HAPPENED?

- HE BIT ME! - HE BIT YOU?

- HE BIT ME! - OH, NO, JON!

OH, NO.

- * OH, YEAH

[electronic disco music]

*

GOOD SHABBAS, RACHEL.

GOOD SHABBAS, REBECCA. I JUST BOUGHT A DOG.

[dance music plays]

*

AAH!

OH!

OKAY. GOOD.

THANK YOU.

- [bleep] YOU! - [bleep] YOU!

- DON'T PUSH ME!

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

- AAH! HE BIT ME!

OH, GOD!

[man singing Hebrew prayer]

OY.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- I'LL SHOW YOU ANAL!

- AAH! HE BIT ME!

AAH!

[soft music]

*

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED.

YOUR CHICKEN FAT HAS GOTTEN COLD.

- I'M SO SORRY, MY WIFE.

- WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR EYEBROW?

- I, UH, HAD MY EYEBROW PIERCED.

- [sniffs]

- WHAT SMELLS OF MINERAL OIL?

- I WAS LUBRICATING A BIKE CHAIN.

- WHAT IS GOING ON, JON?

- DEVORAH... I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING.

- HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG?

- NO.

I AM A HOMOSEXUAL.

- I HAVE NOT PLEASED YOU.

I MAKE YOU UNHAPPY. - IT'S NOT YOU, MY WIFE.

WHEN THE MAN BIT ME, HE PASSED HIS GAY TO ME.

- BUT YOU CANNOT BE HOMOSEXUAL.

THIS IS AGAINST EVERYTHING WE BELIEVE IN.

ISN'T IT TRUE, FATHER?

- THIS NEWS... DISGUSTS ME.

- FATHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?

- I WAS BLESSING THE TOILET PAPER.

- IT'S 2:00 A.M.

- THERE WAS MUCH TOILET PAPER TO BLESS.

- THIS IS TRUE.

- WHAT IS THIS ABOUT BEING A HOMOSEXUAL?

- I AM WHAT I AM, RABBI.

GOD MUST KNOW THE TRUTH.

- GOD PISSES ON YOU FOR THIS ABOMINATION.

- I HAPPEN TO LIKE THAT NOW.

- WHAT IS ALL THE COMMOTION?

- JON HAS TOLD DEVORAH THAT HE LIES WITH MEN.

- IS THIS TRUE, JON?

- I'M AFRAID IT IS, BROTHER-IN-LAW.

- OH, YOU-- YOU SICK ANIMAL!

- SHH! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!

- IT'S JON! HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL!

- NO. HE IS MARRIED TO DEVORAH.

- HE HAS FORSAKEN HIS DUTIES

FOR CARNAL DEPRAVITY.

- WHAT IS HAPPENING?

both: JON'S GAY.

GOTT IN HIMMEL!

- RABBI KAHN, I CAN EXPLAIN.

- I HEAR JON IS HOMOSEXUALS!

- LIKE I SAID, EVERYONE, I CAN EXPLAIN.

- HE'S ALSO A WERE-JEW.

I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO BIT HIM!

- WAIT. JON'S A WERE-JEW?

- LOOK, PLEASE...

EVERYONE, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

Y-YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

PLEASE!

I CAN EXPLAIN!

- LET'S GET HIM!

- NO! NO!

[people shouting]

[dramatic music]

*

GET IN THE VAN, JON!

- LET'S GET HIM!

- GO! GO!

OH...THANK GOD.

DAVE.

YOU'RE A WEREWOLF?

- WE'RE ALL WEREWOLVES, JON.

- SURPRISE.

- [howling]

[all howling]

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

- HEY, BUDDY, YOU LOST?

GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO CARES!

YOU GUYS LEGAL?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. LOOK AT THIS.

YOU GUYS FROM JERSEY?

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK THERE,

PUT SOME MORE GEL IN YOUR HAIR?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM? - WHAT?

- CAN I TAKE A CRAP IN YOUR MOUTH?

- OH. WHERE YOU GOING? TAKE THE DAY OFF.

SPEND IT WITH A PIGEON.

ALL RIGHT, MAN,

WHY DON'T YOU GO, UH, DO SOME MORE HEROIN, HUH?

YEAH, [bleep] YOU.