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1
00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:04,497
- TONIGHT ON
JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...
2
00:00:04,533 --> 00:00:05,733
IS THAT A BALD SPOT,
3
00:00:05,767 --> 00:00:08,627
OR IS IT ACTUALLY A SOLAR PANEL
FOR A SEX MACHINE?
4
00:00:08,667 --> 00:00:10,597
THE TOP SECRET AREA 51
5
00:00:10,633 --> 00:00:13,473
HAS LONG BEEN RUMORED
TO HARBOR ALIEN LIFE-FORMS,
6
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:15,970
BUT WHAT OTHER SECRETS
DOES IT HOLD?
7
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,870
PLUS A SPECIAL
"SHAME ON ME" REPORT
8
00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:20,270
FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE
EDWARD SHEATH.
9
00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:23,230
ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S
JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.
10
00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:26,227
[exciting music]
11
00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:29,227
[grunts]
12
00:00:31,367 --> 00:00:33,167
- [sighs]
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,200
[device beeps]
14
00:00:35,233 --> 00:00:37,073
[explosion]
15
00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:43,100
*
16
00:00:47,733 --> 00:00:50,533
FOR CENTURIES,
BALD MEN HAVE BEEN USING WIGS
17
00:00:50,567 --> 00:00:52,167
TO DISGUISE THEIR HAIR LOSS.
18
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,100
MOST OF THE TIME,
THEY WEREN'T FOOLING ANYBODY.
19
00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:57,933
BUT ROY ALLSTON
OF ROY ALLSTON'S HAIR SUPPLY
20
00:00:57,967 --> 00:00:59,327
THINKS HE CAN CHANGE ALL THAT.
21
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,167
- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
JON.
22
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,330
YOU WEAR ONE OF MY HAIRPIECES
ON THE STREET,
23
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:05,527
NO ONE'S GONNA KNOW
THAT HAIR'S NOT REAL.
24
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:09,267
- WOW.
THAT'S AMAZING.
25
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:12,100
WHERE WE HEADED?
26
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:16,603
SO YOU OFFER MORE
REALISTIC-LOOKING TOUPEES?
27
00:01:16,633 --> 00:01:17,903
- EXACTLY.
28
00:01:17,933 --> 00:01:19,533
- I MEAN, BUT HONESTLY,
29
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,567
WHO--WHO'S GONNA WEAR
ONE OF THOSE?
30
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:26,500
NO OFFENSE, BUT...
THEY'RE SORT OF SILLY LOOKING.
31
00:01:26,533 --> 00:01:28,703
- YOU'LL GET THE OPPORTUNITY
TO LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
32
00:01:28,733 --> 00:01:30,503
YOU WILL FEEL
A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
33
00:01:30,533 --> 00:01:32,073
- SO YOU LOOK
A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
34
00:01:32,067 --> 00:01:34,627
- WITH MY TOUPEES,
YOU WILL LOOK MORE REALISTIC,
35
00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:37,167
BECAUSE IT'S
A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
36
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,870
SO, GEORGE,
HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
37
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:42,800
- WELL, I--I USED TO HAVE MORE
HAIR UP ON TOP GOING ACROSS,
38
00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:46,073
AND AROUND
THE BACK AND SIDES TOO.
39
00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:48,600
WAIT TILL MY WIFE
GETS A LOAD OF THIS.
40
00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:50,973
I MIGHT STOP OFF
AT THE BAR, THOUGH.
41
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:53,727
SEE IF I CAN
PICK UP SOME GIRLS.
42
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:57,400
- LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
43
00:01:57,433 --> 00:02:00,433
I--I'M SEEING ME
FIVE YEARS AGO.
44
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:01,427
LIKE A FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.
45
00:02:01,467 --> 00:02:05,067
I FEEL LIKE NICOLAS CAGE.
46
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,400
- WHEN YOU GO INTO THE SHOWER,
YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF.
47
00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:10,673
IT'LL COME OFF BY ITSELF,
END UP DOWN THE DRAIN.
48
00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:14,400
JON, LET ME LET YOU IN
ON A LITTLE SECRET.
49
00:02:14,433 --> 00:02:16,503
I WEAR A HAIRPIECE.
50
00:02:16,533 --> 00:02:17,973
- OH,
SO YOU'RE COMPLETELY BALD.
51
00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:19,727
I FIGURED.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS--
52
00:02:19,767 --> 00:02:21,727
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
53
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:25,397
[ominous music]
54
00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:27,373
[plastic stretching]
55
00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:42,067
- ROY, YOU'RE--
YOU'RE NOT BALD AT ALL.
56
00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:43,797
- NO.
I'M NOT BALD.
57
00:02:43,833 --> 00:02:45,333
MY NATURAL HAIR IS SO PERFECT
58
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:47,627
THAT PEOPLE THINK
IT'S A HAIRPIECE,
59
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,197
SO I HAVE TO COVER IT.
60
00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:50,973
- WELL, WE BONDED
OVER BEING BALD.
61
00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:52,097
I--
62
00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:55,373
- YEAH.
BUT I'M NOT BALD.
63
00:02:55,400 --> 00:03:00,070
I THINK THAT IF I WAS BALD,
I'D KILL MYSELF.
64
00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:02,267
- WELL, THAT'S NOT NICE.
65
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,400
RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT,
I'M DRIVING INTO AREA 51,
66
00:03:14,433 --> 00:03:18,133
ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST
SECRETIVE MILITARY BASES.
67
00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:19,597
RIGHT HERE'S GOOD, GUYS.
68
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,303
THANKS A LOT, TOM.
SEE YOU, DERRICK.
69
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,473
CONSPIRACY THEORISTS
HAVE LONG CLAIMED
70
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:26,470
THAT AREA 51's MAIN PURPOSE
71
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:29,330
IS TO HOUSE
EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE-FORMS,
72
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,067
BUT ONE FORMER
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
73
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,827
HAS RECENTLY COME FORWARD
74
00:03:32,867 --> 00:03:36,427
WITH AREA 51's
BIGGEST SECRET.
75
00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:39,067
- I WAS A GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST
AT AREA 51,
76
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:41,730
INVOLVED IN
TOP-SECRET OPERATIONS.
77
00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:44,297
MOST OF THIS INFORMATION
HAS BEEN DECLASSIFIED NOW,
78
00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:47,573
BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE UNAWARE
OF AN EVEN MORE SECRET LOCATION
79
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,330
WITHIN AREA 51,
80
00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:52,167
WHICH WAS CALLED AREA 54.
81
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,070
- WHAT WAS AREA 54?
82
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,797
- [laughs]
83
00:03:55,833 --> 00:03:57,503
- * I'VE BEEN
FLYING THROUGH SPACE *
84
00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,803
* MAKE IT RAIN ON MY FACE
85
00:03:59,833 --> 00:04:02,533
- THE IDEA THAT WE WERE ON
A TOP-SECRET MILITARY BASE
86
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:04,667
COMBINED WITH THE FACT
THAT THERE WAS AN EVEN MORE
87
00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,370
TOP-SECRET DISCOTHEQUE
88
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,600
WITHIN THE TOP-SECRET
MILITARY BASE,
89
00:04:08,633 --> 00:04:10,133
WELL, IT ATTRACTED
A LOT OF ATTENTION.
90
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,597
CELEBRITIES WANTED IN
IMMEDIATELY.
91
00:04:11,633 --> 00:04:14,133
THE TRICKY PART WAS
GETTING THEM THROUGH CLEARANCE.
92
00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:17,067
IN THE END, WE COMMISSIONED
MOST OF THEM AS OFFICERS.
93
00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:19,067
[disco music]
94
00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:22,067
*
95
00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:25,067
- SO THIS IS THE HALLWAY
THAT LED TO AREA 54?
96
00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:27,827
- YES, IT WAS, UH,
RIGHT HERE ON THE LEFT.
97
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,597
KEPT THE SIGN
AND THE VELVET ROPES.
98
00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:30,803
- UH-HUH.
99
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:35,673
- BUT NOW IT'S JUST
A [bleep] IRISH PUB.
100
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:37,470
- TIMES HAVE CHANGED, HUH?
101
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,670
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- YEAH.
102
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,933
- KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM
WITH KIDS IS?
103
00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:46,097
- THANKS.
104
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:47,573
- YOU GOT NOTHING
IN COMMON WITH THEM.
105
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,100
I HAVE TO PRETEND
TO BE INTERESTED
106
00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:51,233
IN ALL THIS NONSENSE
THEY JABBER TO ME ABOUT.
107
00:04:51,267 --> 00:04:54,127
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
108
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,467
- PLUS YOU LOSE YOUR FREEDOM,
109
00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:59,170
YOUR SEX LIFE,
YOUR INDIVIDUALITY,
110
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,670
- THAT'S HIM!
THE ONE ON THE VAN.
111
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,370
BRING HIM. NOW.
112
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,170
- WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON?
- PLEASE COME WITH US.
113
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,070
- WHY? WHAT'D I DO?
- RIGHT NOW, SIR.
114
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:08,397
- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
- AH, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING.
115
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:09,703
- HE BROUGHT ME HERE.
I DIDN'T...
116
00:05:09,733 --> 00:05:11,373
- YOU TOO, COLONEL.
- [groans]
117
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,200
- DAVE?
WHAT'S UP?
118
00:05:13,233 --> 00:05:16,303
- MR. BENJAMIN,
119
00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:19,403
12 YEARS AGO,
MILITARY ARCHEOLOGISTS
120
00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:23,103
UNCOVERED A RELIC
WHICH BORE HIEROGLYPHICS
121
00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:26,073
TELLING THE STORY
OF WHERE IT CAME FROM.
122
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,970
IT ALSO HAD
OTHER MARKINGS ON IT,
123
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:32,467
WHICH TRISH HAS DETERMINED
TO BE A GALACTIC MAP.
124
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,730
- IS THAT TRISH?
- MM-HMM.
125
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:38,667
- THE HIEROGLYPHICS
TELL US THAT THE RELIC ITSELF
126
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:43,070
IS A STAR DOOR,
A PORTAL TO ANOTHER GALAXY.
127
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,700
- ALL RIGHT, WAIT.
128
00:05:44,733 --> 00:05:47,433
IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING
AS STAR DOORS?
129
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:51,527
- IS THERE REALLY
SUCH A THING AS STAR DOORS?
130
00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:00,167
- OH, MY GOD.
131
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,730
A VAN-SHAPED STAR DOOR.
132
00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:06,567
- WE HAVE SPENT THE LAST
12 YEARS TRYING TO ACTIVATE IT,
133
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:11,100
AND THE WRITING ON IT TELLS US
YOUR VAN MAY BE THE KEY.
134
00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:12,503
- IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE.
135
00:06:12,533 --> 00:06:13,533
I--I JUST...
136
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:15,127
[alarm sounds]
137
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:18,067
- JACKSON!
TEAM "A"!
138
00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:19,367
- HAS THIS HAPPENED BEFORE?
139
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,670
- NO, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
140
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,700
[electricity crackles]
141
00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:37,497
- THE VAN IS ALIGNING ITSELF
WITH THE STAR DOOR.
142
00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:38,903
- IT'S IDENTIFYING
THE COORDINATES
143
00:06:38,933 --> 00:06:41,303
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE STAR DOOR.
144
00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:43,403
SOMEWHERE IN
THE KEENAN SYSTEM.
145
00:06:43,433 --> 00:06:45,333
- IS THE STAR DOOR ACTIVATED?
146
00:06:45,367 --> 00:06:47,297
- IT IS, COLONEL.
147
00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:48,303
- SEND IN THE VAN!
148
00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,533
- WE'RE GOING THROUGH!
149
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:51,167
- SOMETHING'S HAPPENING,
RIGHT?
150
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,330
- SOMETHING'S DEFINITELY--
151
00:06:52,367 --> 00:06:54,567
- TURN THAT FAN OFF!
152
00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:58,803
GET IN THE VAN.
153
00:06:58,833 --> 00:06:59,803
- WHAT?
154
00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:01,073
- GET IN.
YOU'RE DRIVING.
155
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,197
- I--I CAN'T.
I'M DOING A SHOW.
156
00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:03,273
DAVE, TELL 'EM.
157
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:04,930
- NO, NO,
YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO.
158
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,197
- WHA--I DON'T--NO.
159
00:07:07,233 --> 00:07:10,233
I'LL--I'LL PROBABLY JUST
COME BACK--
160
00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:13,267
I DON'T WANT TO GO
THROUGH A STAR DOOR.
161
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,630
- MR. BENJAMIN,
162
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:17,597
THERE'S NO WAY
TO DETERMINE WHAT TO EXPECT
163
00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:20,203
WHEN YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE STAR DOOR,
164
00:07:20,233 --> 00:07:21,733
BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS.
165
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:23,967
THE JOURNEY
YOU'RE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON
166
00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:26,667
WILL BE REMEMBERED AS THE SINGLE
MOST IMPORTANT EVENT
167
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,400
IN HUMAN HISTORY.
168
00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:29,803
GOOD LUCK.
169
00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:33,173
- THANKS.
170
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,470
- NOW GO!
171
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:39,070
THE DOOR MIGHT NOT
REMAIN OPEN VERY MUCH LONGER.
172
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,530
- DRIVE, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
173
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,367
- THE GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT.
174
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,600
I DON'T WANT TO HIT HIM.
175
00:07:44,633 --> 00:07:46,333
- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
176
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:47,327
- [honks horn]
177
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,767
- SORRY. IT'S--
178
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,370
- WILL YOU MOVE?
- IT'S JAMMING.
179
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,930
- I DON'T WANT
TO RUN HIM OVER.
180
00:07:52,967 --> 00:07:54,327
- NOW WHAT
ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
181
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:55,597
- SEATBELT?
- JUST GO!
182
00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:57,073
- RIGHT.
183
00:07:57,100 --> 00:08:00,070
[all scream]
184
00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:10,827
[loud crash]
185
00:08:10,867 --> 00:08:13,567
- WHAT THE [bleep]?
186
00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:19,527
- AH, GOD.
187
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,097
WHAT HAPPENED?
188
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,673
[both groan]
189
00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:28,203
COLONEL?
190
00:08:28,233 --> 00:08:31,303
COLONEL?
191
00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:33,773
OH, MY GOD.
192
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:38,600
YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT?
193
00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:40,373
[bleep]
194
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,200
[electricity crackles]
195
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,727
- [speaking alien language]
196
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,500
- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND.
197
00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,203
YEAH, I KNOW.
THAT LOOKS BAD.
198
00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:13,273
I CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR.
I DIDN'T SEE.
199
00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:15,230
I HAD NO IDEA.
GUYS, RIGHT?
200
00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:18,097
I--I'M SORRY.
I--
201
00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:19,903
WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS GONNA BE A ROAD.
202
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,597
OH, GREAT.
203
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:32,970
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING,
BUT I DON'T--
204
00:09:33,067 --> 00:09:34,267
LET ME EXPLAIN.
205
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,870
I CAME THROUGH
THE STAR DOOR FROM EARTH,
206
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,800
SO IT'S, LIKE, A MILLION
LIGHT-YEARS FROM HERE, RIGHT?
207
00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:39,873
- [speaks alien language]
208
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:44,630
- WHY WOULD YOU BUILD A ROAD
IN FRONT OF A STAR DOOR, RIGHT?
209
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,067
CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
210
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:51,497
- THIS IS BORING.
211
00:09:51,533 --> 00:09:53,333
- I'M SORRY.
212
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:55,197
- [speaks alien language]
213
00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:05,033
- I CAN'T UNDERS--
214
00:10:05,067 --> 00:10:07,427
NO. NO.
215
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:12,573
- SEE, YOU CAN
UNDERSTAND ME NOW, RIGHT?
216
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,630
YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE PILLS,
AND I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU.
217
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:16,627
NOW TAKE A PILL.
218
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:19,167
- OH. OKAY.
219
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,730
- GOT A LITTLE MINT
TO 'EM, TOO.
220
00:10:22,767 --> 00:10:23,797
YOU DON'T MIND THAT,
DO YA?
221
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:26,633
[all speaking
alien language]
222
00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:31,233
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN HEAR?
223
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:33,127
YOU GUYS OKAY?
YOU GOOD?
224
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:34,767
OKAY.
I'M MOSHAM.
225
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:35,970
I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GUYS.
226
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,300
I'M GONNA BE YOUR COUNSEL
227
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,973
IN THE CASE
OF THE STAR DOOR ACCIDENT.
228
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,970
SO I NEED TO KNOW
WHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR.
229
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,830
OKAY. WELL THEN, YOU TWO GUYS
CAN GET OUT OF HERE.
230
00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:47,167
FREE TO GO.
231
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,900
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
ENJOY YOUR STAY.
232
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,800
REALLY COOL TO MEET YOU.
233
00:10:58,067 --> 00:11:00,267
- ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S,
UH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK,
234
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:03,670
SEE WHAT WE GOT.
235
00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:18,067
WHAT, ARE YOU DRIVING
WITH BLINDFOLDS ON?
236
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,697
OKAY.
237
00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:24,727
YEAH, THEY'RE DEAD
AS A DOORNAIL.
238
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,767
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN,
THIS IS HOW THIS WORKS.
239
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,670
I NEED TO ASK YOU
A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.
240
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,830
HAD YOU BEEN DRINKING?
241
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,727
OKAY, I NEED YOU
TO BE HONEST WITH ME.
242
00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:37,873
WELL,
HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET
243
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:40,200
THIS CUBE CLARITY ANALYSIS
DISALLOWED.
244
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,603
I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT,
THOUGH.
245
00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:43,073
WE MIGHT HAVE
TO USE IT IN COURT.
246
00:11:45,467 --> 00:11:47,597
WELL,
YOU'RE NOT NOT IN TROUBLE.
247
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:52,270
IF YOU'RE CONVICTED IT'S,
YOU KNOW, IMMEDIATE EXECUTION,
248
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:54,930
SO NOT THE BEST.
249
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,897
LISTEN, YOU DON'T WORRY
ABOUT NOTHING, OKAY?
250
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,603
JUST RELAX, LET ME
HANDLE THIS THING, OKAY?
251
00:11:58,633 --> 00:11:59,603
HOLD ON A SEC.
252
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:01,173
[device beeping]
YEAH, MOSHAM.
253
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,500
[voice speaks indistinct]
254
00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:04,403
HEY, I'M, UH,
I'M IN CHAMBER WITH THAT HUMAN
255
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,333
THAT KILLED THOSE, UH, KIDS.
256
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:07,667
[voice speaks]
257
00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:11,470
I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING
TO TELL THE GUY.
258
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,070
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, WELL, HOLD ON A SECOND.
259
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,227
LISTEN,
I GOT TO TAKE THIS CALL.
260
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,267
OKAY?
YOU GET SOME REST.
261
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:16,930
GET THOSE BAGS
OUT OF YOUR EYES, OKAY?
262
00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,467
NEED YOU LOOKING
GOOD TOMORROW.
263
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:21,200
JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING.
I'M TAKING CARE OF YOU.
264
00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:29,597
- STILL TO COME, A SPECIAL
"SHAME ON ME" REPORT
265
00:12:29,633 --> 00:12:31,733
FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE
ED SHEATH.
266
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,470
- IN THE FIRST SIX MONTHS
267
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,070
SINCE I MOVED INTO
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD,
268
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:49,497
I'VE BEGUN TO NOTICE
IT LOOKS MORE AND MORE FILTHY,
269
00:12:49,533 --> 00:12:51,403
DIRTY, DISGUSTING,
270
00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:52,973
AND THE MAIN CAUSE OF THIS,
271
00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:55,167
ASIDE FROM IMMIGRANTS,
IS LITTER.
272
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,530
RECENTLY, WE RECEIVED
A NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS
273
00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:02,067
ABOUT WHERE MOST OF THIS
IS COMING FROM--
274
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,527
ME.
275
00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:05,897
AT FIRST, I DENIED
THESE ALLEGATIONS,
276
00:13:05,933 --> 00:13:09,833
BUT THEN WE RECEIVED
THIS INCRIMINATING FOOTAGE.
277
00:13:09,867 --> 00:13:12,527
HERE'S ME EATING
AN ICE CREAM CONE.
278
00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:14,527
NOT THAT I NEED THE CALORIES.
279
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:17,697
NOTICE THE TRASH CAN
15 FEET AWAY.
280
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:19,273
YOU LAZY JERK.
281
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:21,330
SHAME ON ME.
282
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:23,827
THIS NEXT ONE'S
HARD TO BELIEVE.
283
00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:26,167
WHAT?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
284
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,570
I JUST DUMPED A TON OF GARBAGE
IN THE [bleep] STREET.
285
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,230
SHAME ON ME.
286
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:34,067
WE EVEN CONFRONTED ME
ABOUT THIS ON CAMERA,
287
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:36,467
AND THIS WAS MY RESPONSE.
288
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:40,070
- EXCUSE ME, EDWARD, WHY ARE YOU
THROWING TRASH ON THE STREET?
289
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,970
- NO, I'M NOT.
290
00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:43,597
SHAME ON ME.
291
00:13:43,633 --> 00:13:46,503
- THE POINT IS
LITTERING IS DISGUSTING,
292
00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:49,103
AND THOSE WHO DO IT
ARE DISGUSTING PIGS,
293
00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:54,103
WHICH MAKES SENSE,
BECAUSE I'M A DISGUSTING PIG.
294
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,603
THIS IS ME!
EVERY INCH I LOATHE!
295
00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,833
FAT! IRRESPONSIBLE!
LAZY!
296
00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,567
THAT'S ME! YEAH!
297
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,530
WHY AM I ALIVE?
298
00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:04,967
[knock on wall]
299
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:08,297
[bleep] YOU!
300
00:14:08,333 --> 00:14:10,873
I'M EDWARD SHEATH.
301
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:14,630
SHAME ON ME.
302
00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:17,667
[alien speaking
in native tongue]
303
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:39,797
- CHIEF MAGISTRATE,
AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE,
304
00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:40,903
THIS HUMAN CAME THROUGH
THE STAR DOOR
305
00:14:40,933 --> 00:14:42,233
AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED,
306
00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:44,097
CAREENED INTO JARGON LOPRAX'S
TRANSPORT,
307
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,533
KILLING TWO OF HIS OFFSPRING.
308
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:47,297
AND ACCORDING TO THE RECORD,
309
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,733
HE SHOWED CLARITY ISSUES.
310
00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:51,897
[group oohs]
311
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,773
- OOH!
312
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,300
- DEFENDING STATEMENTS.
313
00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:57,533
- DEFENSE RESTS.
314
00:14:57,567 --> 00:15:03,127
[scattered whispering]
315
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:06,967
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA DISPUTE
ANYTHING THE PROSECUTION SAID.
316
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,467
ON THE CONTRARY,
THEY GOT IT ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
317
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:12,530
MY CLIENT CAME FROM EARTH
THROUGH THE STAR DOOR
318
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:16,727
ONTO TRANSPORT LANE 57
AND COLLIDED WITH JARGON LOPRAX,
319
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:20,497
KILLING HIS TWO OFFSPRING
IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE CAR.
320
00:15:20,533 --> 00:15:22,303
THIS CLARITY-DEFICIENT
EARTH IDIOT...
321
00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:28,273
[laughter]
322
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,270
KILLED THOSE TWO OFFSPRING.
323
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,800
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
324
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:35,933
NOBODY'S ARGUING THOSE FACTS.
325
00:15:35,967 --> 00:15:39,467
THEY'RE GONE,
AREN'T THEY?
326
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:42,800
BECAUSE THIS DRUNKARD...
327
00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:46,433
KILLED THEM.
328
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:47,767
- SIT DOWN.
329
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,070
- YOU'RE GONNA MISS 'EM,
AREN'T YOU?
330
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,927
PROBABLY STILL SMELL 'EM.
331
00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:59,303
- DO YOU KNOW
IF THEY ALL DIED?
332
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,533
- ANYTHING?
333
00:16:01,567 --> 00:16:02,667
- OH, MY GOD.
334
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:05,070
- WHAT?
335
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:08,067
- TRISH, I DIDN'T REALIZE
IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY.
336
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,367
- WELL, A 50th BIRTHDAY
ISN'T SOMETHING A LADY
337
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,300
REALLY WANTS TO ADVERTISE.
338
00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:19,297
- THEREFORE, CHIEF MAGISTRATE,
339
00:16:19,333 --> 00:16:21,873
I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST
A MERCY CUBE FOR MY CLIENT.
340
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:23,430
[indistinct chatter]
341
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:25,097
- UPON WHAT GROUNDS?
342
00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:28,773
- ON THE GROUNDS THAT
JARGON LOPRAX'S OFFSPRING
343
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:34,600
ARE BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING!
344
00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:37,673
PLEASE THE COURT.
345
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:40,630
RELAX.
I'M DOING GREAT.
346
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,627
THEY'RE BIOS.
IT'S CASE CLOSED.
347
00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:46,067
YOU GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
348
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:50,070
OH, DID I MENTION
THEY WERE FEMALE BIOS?
349
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:54,230
THE MOST USELESS BIOS
OF THEM ALL.
350
00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:56,667
CHIEF MAGISTRATE,
WE SHOULD BE THANKING MY CLIENT.
351
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:59,600
THE BREEDING
OF BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING
352
00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:03,833
IS AN OFFENSE PUNISHABLE
BY DEATH.
353
00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:06,267
AND JARGON LOPRAX OVER HERE
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER
354
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:09,900
THAN TO HARBOR BIOLOGICAL
OFFSPRING IN HIS TRANSPORT.
355
00:17:09,933 --> 00:17:12,833
BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING BRING
UNHAPPINESS TO US ALL!
356
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:14,267
- YEAH!
- YEAH!
357
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,930
- AGREED.
358
00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:18,367
JARGON LOPRAX,
I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU
359
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,270
TO DEATH BY EXECUTION,
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
360
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:23,570
[cheering]
361
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,100
- YOUR HONOR,
WE REQUEST A MERCY CUBE.
362
00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:29,273
- DENIED.
363
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:33,870
[electricity crackles]
364
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,900
AS FOR OUR HUMAN VISITOR,
365
00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:40,373
YOU TOO ARE NOT
WITHOUT BLAME.
366
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,870
- [sighs]
I'M SO SORRY, JON.
367
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,800
- I HEREBY REVOKE
YOUR DRIVING PRIVILEGES ON GU'AN
368
00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:52,603
FOR A PERIOD OF SIX MONTHS.
369
00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:53,833
[group oohs]
370
00:17:53,867 --> 00:17:55,897
- NO, NO, NO!
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
371
00:17:55,933 --> 00:18:01,333
WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS.
WE WILL APPEAL THIS.
372
00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:02,597
- MOTION ACCEPTED.
373
00:18:02,633 --> 00:18:06,503
[cheering]
374
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:12,067
- TO VICTORY, HUH?
375
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:14,097
BE CAREFUL WITH THAT, JON.
THAT'S SOME STRONG STUFF.
376
00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:22,067
[laughs]
377
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,430
- [bleep]
378
00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:26,467
- I'M TELLING YOU.
I'M TELLING YOU.
379
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,370
JON, COME ON.
380
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,270
PLEASURE WAS MINE.
381
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,200
DON'T BE A STRANGER, JON.
382
00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:49,533
HEY, JON,
YOU FORGET SOMETHING?
383
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:59,070
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, JON.
384
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:04,097
SORRY, WHAT?
"CASA" WHAT?
385
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:09,303
OKAY.
386
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:14,933
CASABLANCA.
387
00:19:14,967 --> 00:19:17,497
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
388
00:19:17,533 --> 00:19:20,803
THAT WAS A MOVIE.
389
00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:38,503
[tires screeching]
390
00:19:38,533 --> 00:19:40,903
[upbeat pop music]
391
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:43,803
- * HAPPY BIRTHDAY
392
00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:47,733
*
393
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:50,767
- [laughs]
394
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:54,330
*
395
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:55,697
[electricity sizzles]
396
00:19:55,733 --> 00:19:57,133
[tires screech]
397
00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:58,227
[gasps]
398
00:19:58,267 --> 00:20:00,027
OH, MY GOD!
399
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,867
TRISH!
400
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,430
- WHOO!
401
00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:06,997
THANK YOU.
402
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,733
YUP, WE DID IT!
403
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:10,867
THANK YOU VERY MUCH...
404
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:14,870
ALL OF YOU.
405
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:18,100
- [subtle gasp]
OH, [bleep].
406
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,203
- UH-OH.
407
00:20:20,233 --> 00:20:22,233
- SIR, WERE YOU DRIVING
THIS VAN?
408
00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:23,597
- NO.
409
00:20:23,633 --> 00:20:24,733
- SIR, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
410
00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:25,997
- NO.
411
00:20:26,033 --> 00:20:27,633
JON, TELL 'EM I-I--
412
00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:29,397
- WHAT?
- THAT I WASN'T DRINKING.
413
00:20:29,433 --> 00:20:31,103
- OH, NO, HE WAS DRINKING.
414
00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:32,203
- WHAT?
- YOU HAVE TO COME WITH US.
415
00:20:32,233 --> 00:20:33,503
- JON!
- DRANK A LOT.
416
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,233
- THIS IS SERIOUS!
- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DRIVEN.
417
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,727
- YOU ASS[bleep]!
418
00:20:41,633 --> 00:20:42,833
- IS SHE GONNA BE OKAY?
419
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:46,627
- STAR DOOR!
420
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:53,300
- STAR DOOR.
421
00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:04,603
[groovy music]
422
00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:10,633
*
423
00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:26,573
- MM-HMM.
- OH, YEAH.
424
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:27,770
THANK YOU.
- YEAH, IT'S VERY GOOD.
425
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,270
GOOD.
- YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
426
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,330
- GREAT.
THANK YOU.
29297
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