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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:04,497 - TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN... 2 00:00:04,533 --> 00:00:05,733 IS THAT A BALD SPOT, 3 00:00:05,767 --> 00:00:08,627 OR IS IT ACTUALLY A SOLAR PANEL FOR A SEX MACHINE? 4 00:00:08,667 --> 00:00:10,597 THE TOP SECRET AREA 51 5 00:00:10,633 --> 00:00:13,473 HAS LONG BEEN RUMORED TO HARBOR ALIEN LIFE-FORMS, 6 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:15,970 BUT WHAT OTHER SECRETS DOES IT HOLD? 7 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,870 PLUS A SPECIAL "SHAME ON ME" REPORT 8 00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:20,270 FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE EDWARD SHEATH. 9 00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:23,230 ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN. 10 00:00:23,267 --> 00:00:26,227 [exciting music] 11 00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:29,227 [grunts] 12 00:00:31,367 --> 00:00:33,167 - [sighs] 13 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,200 [device beeps] 14 00:00:35,233 --> 00:00:37,073 [explosion] 15 00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:43,100 * 16 00:00:47,733 --> 00:00:50,533 FOR CENTURIES, BALD MEN HAVE BEEN USING WIGS 17 00:00:50,567 --> 00:00:52,167 TO DISGUISE THEIR HAIR LOSS. 18 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,100 MOST OF THE TIME, THEY WEREN'T FOOLING ANYBODY. 19 00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:57,933 BUT ROY ALLSTON OF ROY ALLSTON'S HAIR SUPPLY 20 00:00:57,967 --> 00:00:59,327 THINKS HE CAN CHANGE ALL THAT. 21 00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,167 - YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, JON. 22 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,330 YOU WEAR ONE OF MY HAIRPIECES ON THE STREET, 23 00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:05,527 NO ONE'S GONNA KNOW THAT HAIR'S NOT REAL. 24 00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:09,267 - WOW. THAT'S AMAZING. 25 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:12,100 WHERE WE HEADED? 26 00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:16,603 SO YOU OFFER MORE REALISTIC-LOOKING TOUPEES? 27 00:01:16,633 --> 00:01:17,903 - EXACTLY. 28 00:01:17,933 --> 00:01:19,533 - I MEAN, BUT HONESTLY, 29 00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,567 WHO--WHO'S GONNA WEAR ONE OF THOSE? 30 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:26,500 NO OFFENSE, BUT... THEY'RE SORT OF SILLY LOOKING. 31 00:01:26,533 --> 00:01:28,703 - YOU'LL GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER. 32 00:01:28,733 --> 00:01:30,503 YOU WILL FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER. 33 00:01:30,533 --> 00:01:32,073 - SO YOU LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER. 34 00:01:32,067 --> 00:01:34,627 - WITH MY TOUPEES, YOU WILL LOOK MORE REALISTIC, 35 00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:37,167 BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE BIT BETTER. 36 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,870 SO, GEORGE, HOW CAN WE HELP YOU? 37 00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:42,800 - WELL, I--I USED TO HAVE MORE HAIR UP ON TOP GOING ACROSS, 38 00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:46,073 AND AROUND THE BACK AND SIDES TOO. 39 00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:48,600 WAIT TILL MY WIFE GETS A LOAD OF THIS. 40 00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:50,973 I MIGHT STOP OFF AT THE BAR, THOUGH. 41 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:53,727 SEE IF I CAN PICK UP SOME GIRLS. 42 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:57,400 - LOOKS PRETTY GOOD. 43 00:01:57,433 --> 00:02:00,433 I--I'M SEEING ME FIVE YEARS AGO. 44 00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:01,427 LIKE A FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. 45 00:02:01,467 --> 00:02:05,067 I FEEL LIKE NICOLAS CAGE. 46 00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:07,400 - WHEN YOU GO INTO THE SHOWER, YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF. 47 00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:10,673 IT'LL COME OFF BY ITSELF, END UP DOWN THE DRAIN. 48 00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:14,400 JON, LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET. 49 00:02:14,433 --> 00:02:16,503 I WEAR A HAIRPIECE. 50 00:02:16,533 --> 00:02:17,973 - OH, SO YOU'RE COMPLETELY BALD. 51 00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:19,727 I FIGURED. I THOUGHT THAT WAS-- 52 00:02:19,767 --> 00:02:21,727 - WELL, NOT EXACTLY. 53 00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:25,397 [ominous music] 54 00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:27,373 [plastic stretching] 55 00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:42,067 - ROY, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NOT BALD AT ALL. 56 00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:43,797 - NO. I'M NOT BALD. 57 00:02:43,833 --> 00:02:45,333 MY NATURAL HAIR IS SO PERFECT 58 00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:47,627 THAT PEOPLE THINK IT'S A HAIRPIECE, 59 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,197 SO I HAVE TO COVER IT. 60 00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:50,973 - WELL, WE BONDED OVER BEING BALD. 61 00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:52,097 I-- 62 00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:55,373 - YEAH. BUT I'M NOT BALD. 63 00:02:55,400 --> 00:03:00,070 I THINK THAT IF I WAS BALD, I'D KILL MYSELF. 64 00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:02,267 - WELL, THAT'S NOT NICE. 65 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,400 RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, I'M DRIVING INTO AREA 51, 66 00:03:14,433 --> 00:03:18,133 ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST SECRETIVE MILITARY BASES. 67 00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:19,597 RIGHT HERE'S GOOD, GUYS. 68 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,303 THANKS A LOT, TOM. SEE YOU, DERRICK. 69 00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,473 CONSPIRACY THEORISTS HAVE LONG CLAIMED 70 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:26,470 THAT AREA 51's MAIN PURPOSE 71 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:29,330 IS TO HOUSE EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE-FORMS, 72 00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,067 BUT ONE FORMER GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL 73 00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:32,827 HAS RECENTLY COME FORWARD 74 00:03:32,867 --> 00:03:36,427 WITH AREA 51's BIGGEST SECRET. 75 00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:39,067 - I WAS A GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST AT AREA 51, 76 00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:41,730 INVOLVED IN TOP-SECRET OPERATIONS. 77 00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:44,297 MOST OF THIS INFORMATION HAS BEEN DECLASSIFIED NOW, 78 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:47,573 BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE UNAWARE OF AN EVEN MORE SECRET LOCATION 79 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,330 WITHIN AREA 51, 80 00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:52,167 WHICH WAS CALLED AREA 54. 81 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,070 - WHAT WAS AREA 54? 82 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,797 - [laughs] 83 00:03:55,833 --> 00:03:57,503 - * I'VE BEEN FLYING THROUGH SPACE * 84 00:03:57,533 --> 00:03:59,803 * MAKE IT RAIN ON MY FACE 85 00:03:59,833 --> 00:04:02,533 - THE IDEA THAT WE WERE ON A TOP-SECRET MILITARY BASE 86 00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:04,667 COMBINED WITH THE FACT THAT THERE WAS AN EVEN MORE 87 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,370 TOP-SECRET DISCOTHEQUE 88 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,600 WITHIN THE TOP-SECRET MILITARY BASE, 89 00:04:08,633 --> 00:04:10,133 WELL, IT ATTRACTED A LOT OF ATTENTION. 90 00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,597 CELEBRITIES WANTED IN IMMEDIATELY. 91 00:04:11,633 --> 00:04:14,133 THE TRICKY PART WAS GETTING THEM THROUGH CLEARANCE. 92 00:04:14,167 --> 00:04:17,067 IN THE END, WE COMMISSIONED MOST OF THEM AS OFFICERS. 93 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:19,067 [disco music] 94 00:04:19,067 --> 00:04:22,067 * 95 00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:25,067 - SO THIS IS THE HALLWAY THAT LED TO AREA 54? 96 00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:27,827 - YES, IT WAS, UH, RIGHT HERE ON THE LEFT. 97 00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,597 KEPT THE SIGN AND THE VELVET ROPES. 98 00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:30,803 - UH-HUH. 99 00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:35,673 - BUT NOW IT'S JUST A [bleep] IRISH PUB. 100 00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:37,470 - TIMES HAVE CHANGED, HUH? 101 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,670 - TELL ME ABOUT IT. - YEAH. 102 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,933 - KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM WITH KIDS IS? 103 00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:46,097 - THANKS. 104 00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:47,573 - YOU GOT NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THEM. 105 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,100 I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE INTERESTED 106 00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:51,233 IN ALL THIS NONSENSE THEY JABBER TO ME ABOUT. 107 00:04:51,267 --> 00:04:54,127 - RIGHT, RIGHT. 108 00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,467 - PLUS YOU LOSE YOUR FREEDOM, 109 00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:59,170 YOUR SEX LIFE, YOUR INDIVIDUALITY, 110 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,670 - THAT'S HIM! THE ONE ON THE VAN. 111 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,370 BRING HIM. NOW. 112 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,170 - WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? - PLEASE COME WITH US. 113 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,070 - WHY? WHAT'D I DO? - RIGHT NOW, SIR. 114 00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:08,397 - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. - AH, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING. 115 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:09,703 - HE BROUGHT ME HERE. I DIDN'T... 116 00:05:09,733 --> 00:05:11,373 - YOU TOO, COLONEL. - [groans] 117 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,200 - DAVE? WHAT'S UP? 118 00:05:13,233 --> 00:05:16,303 - MR. BENJAMIN, 119 00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:19,403 12 YEARS AGO, MILITARY ARCHEOLOGISTS 120 00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:23,103 UNCOVERED A RELIC WHICH BORE HIEROGLYPHICS 121 00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:26,073 TELLING THE STORY OF WHERE IT CAME FROM. 122 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,970 IT ALSO HAD OTHER MARKINGS ON IT, 123 00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:32,467 WHICH TRISH HAS DETERMINED TO BE A GALACTIC MAP. 124 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,730 - IS THAT TRISH? - MM-HMM. 125 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:38,667 - THE HIEROGLYPHICS TELL US THAT THE RELIC ITSELF 126 00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:43,070 IS A STAR DOOR, A PORTAL TO ANOTHER GALAXY. 127 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,700 - ALL RIGHT, WAIT. 128 00:05:44,733 --> 00:05:47,433 IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING AS STAR DOORS? 129 00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:51,527 - IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING AS STAR DOORS? 130 00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:00,167 - OH, MY GOD. 131 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,730 A VAN-SHAPED STAR DOOR. 132 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:06,567 - WE HAVE SPENT THE LAST 12 YEARS TRYING TO ACTIVATE IT, 133 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:11,100 AND THE WRITING ON IT TELLS US YOUR VAN MAY BE THE KEY. 134 00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:12,503 - IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. 135 00:06:12,533 --> 00:06:13,533 I--I JUST... 136 00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:15,127 [alarm sounds] 137 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:18,067 - JACKSON! TEAM "A"! 138 00:06:18,067 --> 00:06:19,367 - HAS THIS HAPPENED BEFORE? 139 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,670 - NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. 140 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,700 [electricity crackles] 141 00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:37,497 - THE VAN IS ALIGNING ITSELF WITH THE STAR DOOR. 142 00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:38,903 - IT'S IDENTIFYING THE COORDINATES 143 00:06:38,933 --> 00:06:41,303 ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAR DOOR. 144 00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:43,403 SOMEWHERE IN THE KEENAN SYSTEM. 145 00:06:43,433 --> 00:06:45,333 - IS THE STAR DOOR ACTIVATED? 146 00:06:45,367 --> 00:06:47,297 - IT IS, COLONEL. 147 00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:48,303 - SEND IN THE VAN! 148 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,533 - WE'RE GOING THROUGH! 149 00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:51,167 - SOMETHING'S HAPPENING, RIGHT? 150 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,330 - SOMETHING'S DEFINITELY-- 151 00:06:52,367 --> 00:06:54,567 - TURN THAT FAN OFF! 152 00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:58,803 GET IN THE VAN. 153 00:06:58,833 --> 00:06:59,803 - WHAT? 154 00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:01,073 - GET IN. YOU'RE DRIVING. 155 00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,197 - I--I CAN'T. I'M DOING A SHOW. 156 00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:03,273 DAVE, TELL 'EM. 157 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:04,930 - NO, NO, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO. 158 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,197 - WHA--I DON'T--NO. 159 00:07:07,233 --> 00:07:10,233 I'LL--I'LL PROBABLY JUST COME BACK-- 160 00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:13,267 I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH A STAR DOOR. 161 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,630 - MR. BENJAMIN, 162 00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:17,597 THERE'S NO WAY TO DETERMINE WHAT TO EXPECT 163 00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:20,203 WHEN YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAR DOOR, 164 00:07:20,233 --> 00:07:21,733 BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS. 165 00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:23,967 THE JOURNEY YOU'RE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON 166 00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:26,667 WILL BE REMEMBERED AS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT 167 00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,400 IN HUMAN HISTORY. 168 00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:29,803 GOOD LUCK. 169 00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:33,173 - THANKS. 170 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,470 - NOW GO! 171 00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:39,070 THE DOOR MIGHT NOT REMAIN OPEN VERY MUCH LONGER. 172 00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,530 - DRIVE, MAN. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 173 00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,367 - THE GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR. HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT. 174 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:44,600 I DON'T WANT TO HIT HIM. 175 00:07:44,633 --> 00:07:46,333 - OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE. 176 00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:47,327 - [honks horn] 177 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,767 - SORRY. IT'S-- 178 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,370 - WILL YOU MOVE? - IT'S JAMMING. 179 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,930 - I DON'T WANT TO RUN HIM OVER. 180 00:07:52,967 --> 00:07:54,327 - NOW WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 181 00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:55,597 - SEATBELT? - JUST GO! 182 00:07:55,633 --> 00:07:57,073 - RIGHT. 183 00:07:57,100 --> 00:08:00,070 [all scream] 184 00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:10,827 [loud crash] 185 00:08:10,867 --> 00:08:13,567 - WHAT THE [bleep]? 186 00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:19,527 - AH, GOD. 187 00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,097 WHAT HAPPENED? 188 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,673 [both groan] 189 00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:28,203 COLONEL? 190 00:08:28,233 --> 00:08:31,303 COLONEL? 191 00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:33,773 OH, MY GOD. 192 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:38,600 YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT? 193 00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:40,373 [bleep] 194 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,200 [electricity crackles] 195 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,727 - [speaking alien language] 196 00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,500 - I CAN'T UNDERSTAND. 197 00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,203 YEAH, I KNOW. THAT LOOKS BAD. 198 00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:13,273 I CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR. I DIDN'T SEE. 199 00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:15,230 I HAD NO IDEA. GUYS, RIGHT? 200 00:09:15,267 --> 00:09:18,097 I--I'M SORRY. I-- 201 00:09:18,133 --> 00:09:19,903 WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA BE A ROAD. 202 00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,597 OH, GREAT. 203 00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:32,970 I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING, BUT I DON'T-- 204 00:09:33,067 --> 00:09:34,267 LET ME EXPLAIN. 205 00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:35,870 I CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR FROM EARTH, 206 00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,800 SO IT'S, LIKE, A MILLION LIGHT-YEARS FROM HERE, RIGHT? 207 00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:39,873 - [speaks alien language] 208 00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:44,630 - WHY WOULD YOU BUILD A ROAD IN FRONT OF A STAR DOOR, RIGHT? 209 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,067 CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. 210 00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:51,497 - THIS IS BORING. 211 00:09:51,533 --> 00:09:53,333 - I'M SORRY. 212 00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:55,197 - [speaks alien language] 213 00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:05,033 - I CAN'T UNDERS-- 214 00:10:05,067 --> 00:10:07,427 NO. NO. 215 00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:12,573 - SEE, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME NOW, RIGHT? 216 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,630 YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE PILLS, AND I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. 217 00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:16,627 NOW TAKE A PILL. 218 00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:19,167 - OH. OKAY. 219 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,730 - GOT A LITTLE MINT TO 'EM, TOO. 220 00:10:22,767 --> 00:10:23,797 YOU DON'T MIND THAT, DO YA? 221 00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:26,633 [all speaking alien language] 222 00:10:29,733 --> 00:10:31,233 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN HEAR? 223 00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:33,127 YOU GUYS OKAY? YOU GOOD? 224 00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:34,767 OKAY. I'M MOSHAM. 225 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:35,970 I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GUYS. 226 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,300 I'M GONNA BE YOUR COUNSEL 227 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,973 IN THE CASE OF THE STAR DOOR ACCIDENT. 228 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,970 SO I NEED TO KNOW WHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR. 229 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,830 OKAY. WELL THEN, YOU TWO GUYS CAN GET OUT OF HERE. 230 00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:47,167 FREE TO GO. 231 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,900 PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. ENJOY YOUR STAY. 232 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,800 REALLY COOL TO MEET YOU. 233 00:10:58,067 --> 00:11:00,267 - ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S, UH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK, 234 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:03,670 SEE WHAT WE GOT. 235 00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:18,067 WHAT, ARE YOU DRIVING WITH BLINDFOLDS ON? 236 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,697 OKAY. 237 00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:24,727 YEAH, THEY'RE DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. 238 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,767 ALL RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, THIS IS HOW THIS WORKS. 239 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,670 I NEED TO ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS. 240 00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,830 HAD YOU BEEN DRINKING? 241 00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,727 OKAY, I NEED YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME. 242 00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:37,873 WELL, HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET 243 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:40,200 THIS CUBE CLARITY ANALYSIS DISALLOWED. 244 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,603 I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT, THOUGH. 245 00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:43,073 WE MIGHT HAVE TO USE IT IN COURT. 246 00:11:45,467 --> 00:11:47,597 WELL, YOU'RE NOT NOT IN TROUBLE. 247 00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:52,270 IF YOU'RE CONVICTED IT'S, YOU KNOW, IMMEDIATE EXECUTION, 248 00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:54,930 SO NOT THE BEST. 249 00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,897 LISTEN, YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING, OKAY? 250 00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,603 JUST RELAX, LET ME HANDLE THIS THING, OKAY? 251 00:11:58,633 --> 00:11:59,603 HOLD ON A SEC. 252 00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:01,173 [device beeping] YEAH, MOSHAM. 253 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,500 [voice speaks indistinct] 254 00:12:02,533 --> 00:12:04,403 HEY, I'M, UH, I'M IN CHAMBER WITH THAT HUMAN 255 00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,333 THAT KILLED THOSE, UH, KIDS. 256 00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:07,667 [voice speaks] 257 00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:11,470 I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL THE GUY. 258 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,070 ALL RIGHT. YEAH, WELL, HOLD ON A SECOND. 259 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,227 LISTEN, I GOT TO TAKE THIS CALL. 260 00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,267 OKAY? YOU GET SOME REST. 261 00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:16,930 GET THOSE BAGS OUT OF YOUR EYES, OKAY? 262 00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,467 NEED YOU LOOKING GOOD TOMORROW. 263 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:21,200 JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING. I'M TAKING CARE OF YOU. 264 00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:29,597 - STILL TO COME, A SPECIAL "SHAME ON ME" REPORT 265 00:12:29,633 --> 00:12:31,733 FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE ED SHEATH. 266 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,470 - IN THE FIRST SIX MONTHS 267 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,070 SINCE I MOVED INTO MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD, 268 00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:49,497 I'VE BEGUN TO NOTICE IT LOOKS MORE AND MORE FILTHY, 269 00:12:49,533 --> 00:12:51,403 DIRTY, DISGUSTING, 270 00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:52,973 AND THE MAIN CAUSE OF THIS, 271 00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:55,167 ASIDE FROM IMMIGRANTS, IS LITTER. 272 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,530 RECENTLY, WE RECEIVED A NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS 273 00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:02,067 ABOUT WHERE MOST OF THIS IS COMING FROM-- 274 00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:03,527 ME. 275 00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:05,897 AT FIRST, I DENIED THESE ALLEGATIONS, 276 00:13:05,933 --> 00:13:09,833 BUT THEN WE RECEIVED THIS INCRIMINATING FOOTAGE. 277 00:13:09,867 --> 00:13:12,527 HERE'S ME EATING AN ICE CREAM CONE. 278 00:13:12,567 --> 00:13:14,527 NOT THAT I NEED THE CALORIES. 279 00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:17,697 NOTICE THE TRASH CAN 15 FEET AWAY. 280 00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:19,273 YOU LAZY JERK. 281 00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:21,330 SHAME ON ME. 282 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:23,827 THIS NEXT ONE'S HARD TO BELIEVE. 283 00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:26,167 WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? 284 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:29,570 I JUST DUMPED A TON OF GARBAGE IN THE [bleep] STREET. 285 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,230 SHAME ON ME. 286 00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:34,067 WE EVEN CONFRONTED ME ABOUT THIS ON CAMERA, 287 00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:36,467 AND THIS WAS MY RESPONSE. 288 00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:40,070 - EXCUSE ME, EDWARD, WHY ARE YOU THROWING TRASH ON THE STREET? 289 00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,970 - NO, I'M NOT. 290 00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:43,597 SHAME ON ME. 291 00:13:43,633 --> 00:13:46,503 - THE POINT IS LITTERING IS DISGUSTING, 292 00:13:46,533 --> 00:13:49,103 AND THOSE WHO DO IT ARE DISGUSTING PIGS, 293 00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:54,103 WHICH MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE I'M A DISGUSTING PIG. 294 00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,603 THIS IS ME! EVERY INCH I LOATHE! 295 00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,833 FAT! IRRESPONSIBLE! LAZY! 296 00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,567 THAT'S ME! YEAH! 297 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,530 WHY AM I ALIVE? 298 00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:04,967 [knock on wall] 299 00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:08,297 [bleep] YOU! 300 00:14:08,333 --> 00:14:10,873 I'M EDWARD SHEATH. 301 00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:14,630 SHAME ON ME. 302 00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:17,667 [alien speaking in native tongue] 303 00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:39,797 - CHIEF MAGISTRATE, AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, 304 00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:40,903 THIS HUMAN CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR 305 00:14:40,933 --> 00:14:42,233 AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED, 306 00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:44,097 CAREENED INTO JARGON LOPRAX'S TRANSPORT, 307 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,533 KILLING TWO OF HIS OFFSPRING. 308 00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:47,297 AND ACCORDING TO THE RECORD, 309 00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,733 HE SHOWED CLARITY ISSUES. 310 00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:51,897 [group oohs] 311 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,773 - OOH! 312 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,300 - DEFENDING STATEMENTS. 313 00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:57,533 - DEFENSE RESTS. 314 00:14:57,567 --> 00:15:03,127 [scattered whispering] 315 00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:06,967 WELL, I'M NOT GONNA DISPUTE ANYTHING THE PROSECUTION SAID. 316 00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,467 ON THE CONTRARY, THEY GOT IT ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 317 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:12,530 MY CLIENT CAME FROM EARTH THROUGH THE STAR DOOR 318 00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:16,727 ONTO TRANSPORT LANE 57 AND COLLIDED WITH JARGON LOPRAX, 319 00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:20,497 KILLING HIS TWO OFFSPRING IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE CAR. 320 00:15:20,533 --> 00:15:22,303 THIS CLARITY-DEFICIENT EARTH IDIOT... 321 00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:28,273 [laughter] 322 00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,270 KILLED THOSE TWO OFFSPRING. 323 00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:32,800 THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. 324 00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:35,933 NOBODY'S ARGUING THOSE FACTS. 325 00:15:35,967 --> 00:15:39,467 THEY'RE GONE, AREN'T THEY? 326 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:42,800 BECAUSE THIS DRUNKARD... 327 00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:46,433 KILLED THEM. 328 00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:47,767 - SIT DOWN. 329 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,070 - YOU'RE GONNA MISS 'EM, AREN'T YOU? 330 00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,927 PROBABLY STILL SMELL 'EM. 331 00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:59,303 - DO YOU KNOW IF THEY ALL DIED? 332 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,533 - ANYTHING? 333 00:16:01,567 --> 00:16:02,667 - OH, MY GOD. 334 00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:05,070 - WHAT? 335 00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:08,067 - TRISH, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY. 336 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,367 - WELL, A 50th BIRTHDAY ISN'T SOMETHING A LADY 337 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,300 REALLY WANTS TO ADVERTISE. 338 00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:19,297 - THEREFORE, CHIEF MAGISTRATE, 339 00:16:19,333 --> 00:16:21,873 I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST A MERCY CUBE FOR MY CLIENT. 340 00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:23,430 [indistinct chatter] 341 00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:25,097 - UPON WHAT GROUNDS? 342 00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:28,773 - ON THE GROUNDS THAT JARGON LOPRAX'S OFFSPRING 343 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:34,600 ARE BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING! 344 00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:37,673 PLEASE THE COURT. 345 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:40,630 RELAX. I'M DOING GREAT. 346 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,627 THEY'RE BIOS. IT'S CASE CLOSED. 347 00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:46,067 YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 348 00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:50,070 OH, DID I MENTION THEY WERE FEMALE BIOS? 349 00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:54,230 THE MOST USELESS BIOS OF THEM ALL. 350 00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:56,667 CHIEF MAGISTRATE, WE SHOULD BE THANKING MY CLIENT. 351 00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:59,600 THE BREEDING OF BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING 352 00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:03,833 IS AN OFFENSE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. 353 00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:06,267 AND JARGON LOPRAX OVER HERE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER 354 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:09,900 THAN TO HARBOR BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING IN HIS TRANSPORT. 355 00:17:09,933 --> 00:17:12,833 BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING BRING UNHAPPINESS TO US ALL! 356 00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:14,267 - YEAH! - YEAH! 357 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,930 - AGREED. 358 00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:18,367 JARGON LOPRAX, I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU 359 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,270 TO DEATH BY EXECUTION, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. 360 00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:23,570 [cheering] 361 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,100 - YOUR HONOR, WE REQUEST A MERCY CUBE. 362 00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:29,273 - DENIED. 363 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:33,870 [electricity crackles] 364 00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,900 AS FOR OUR HUMAN VISITOR, 365 00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:40,373 YOU TOO ARE NOT WITHOUT BLAME. 366 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,870 - [sighs] I'M SO SORRY, JON. 367 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,800 - I HEREBY REVOKE YOUR DRIVING PRIVILEGES ON GU'AN 368 00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:52,603 FOR A PERIOD OF SIX MONTHS. 369 00:17:52,633 --> 00:17:53,833 [group oohs] 370 00:17:53,867 --> 00:17:55,897 - NO, NO, NO! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! 371 00:17:55,933 --> 00:18:01,333 WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS. WE WILL APPEAL THIS. 372 00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:02,597 - MOTION ACCEPTED. 373 00:18:02,633 --> 00:18:06,503 [cheering] 374 00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:12,067 - TO VICTORY, HUH? 375 00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:14,097 BE CAREFUL WITH THAT, JON. THAT'S SOME STRONG STUFF. 376 00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:22,067 [laughs] 377 00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:24,430 - [bleep] 378 00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:26,467 - I'M TELLING YOU. I'M TELLING YOU. 379 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,370 JON, COME ON. 380 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,270 PLEASURE WAS MINE. 381 00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,200 DON'T BE A STRANGER, JON. 382 00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:49,533 HEY, JON, YOU FORGET SOMETHING? 383 00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:59,070 HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, JON. 384 00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:04,097 SORRY, WHAT? "CASA" WHAT? 385 00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:09,303 OKAY. 386 00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:14,933 CASABLANCA. 387 00:19:14,967 --> 00:19:17,497 YEAH, ALL RIGHT. 388 00:19:17,533 --> 00:19:20,803 THAT WAS A MOVIE. 389 00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:38,503 [tires screeching] 390 00:19:38,533 --> 00:19:40,903 [upbeat pop music] 391 00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:43,803 - * HAPPY BIRTHDAY 392 00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:47,733 * 393 00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:50,767 - [laughs] 394 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:54,330 * 395 00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:55,697 [electricity sizzles] 396 00:19:55,733 --> 00:19:57,133 [tires screech] 397 00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:58,227 [gasps] 398 00:19:58,267 --> 00:20:00,027 OH, MY GOD! 399 00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,867 TRISH! 400 00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,430 - WHOO! 401 00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:06,997 THANK YOU. 402 00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:08,733 YUP, WE DID IT! 403 00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:10,867 THANK YOU VERY MUCH... 404 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:14,870 ALL OF YOU. 405 00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:18,100 - [subtle gasp] OH, [bleep]. 406 00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,203 - UH-OH. 407 00:20:20,233 --> 00:20:22,233 - SIR, WERE YOU DRIVING THIS VAN? 408 00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:23,597 - NO. 409 00:20:23,633 --> 00:20:24,733 - SIR, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING? 410 00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:25,997 - NO. 411 00:20:26,033 --> 00:20:27,633 JON, TELL 'EM I-I-- 412 00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:29,397 - WHAT? - THAT I WASN'T DRINKING. 413 00:20:29,433 --> 00:20:31,103 - OH, NO, HE WAS DRINKING. 414 00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:32,203 - WHAT? - YOU HAVE TO COME WITH US. 415 00:20:32,233 --> 00:20:33,503 - JON! - DRANK A LOT. 416 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,233 - THIS IS SERIOUS! - YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DRIVEN. 417 00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,727 - YOU ASS[bleep]! 418 00:20:41,633 --> 00:20:42,833 - IS SHE GONNA BE OKAY? 419 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:46,627 - STAR DOOR! 420 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:53,300 - STAR DOOR. 421 00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:04,603 [groovy music] 422 00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:10,633 * 423 00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:26,573 - MM-HMM. - OH, YEAH. 424 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:27,770 THANK YOU. - YEAH, IT'S VERY GOOD. 425 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,270 GOOD. - YEAH, IT'S GOOD. 426 00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,330 - GREAT. THANK YOU. 29297

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