Original subtitles

- TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...

IS THAT A BALD SPOT,

OR IS IT ACTUALLY A SOLAR PANEL FOR A SEX MACHINE?

THE TOP SECRET AREA 51

HAS LONG BEEN RUMORED TO HARBOR ALIEN LIFE-FORMS,

BUT WHAT OTHER SECRETS DOES IT HOLD?

PLUS A SPECIAL "SHAME ON ME" REPORT

FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE EDWARD SHEATH.

ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

[exciting music]

[grunts]

- [sighs]

[device beeps]

[explosion]

*

FOR CENTURIES, BALD MEN HAVE BEEN USING WIGS

TO DISGUISE THEIR HAIR LOSS.

MOST OF THE TIME, THEY WEREN'T FOOLING ANYBODY.

BUT ROY ALLSTON OF ROY ALLSTON'S HAIR SUPPLY

THINKS HE CAN CHANGE ALL THAT.

- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, JON.

YOU WEAR ONE OF MY HAIRPIECES ON THE STREET,

NO ONE'S GONNA KNOW THAT HAIR'S NOT REAL.

- WOW. THAT'S AMAZING.

WHERE WE HEADED?

SO YOU OFFER MORE REALISTIC-LOOKING TOUPEES?

- EXACTLY.

- I MEAN, BUT HONESTLY,

WHO--WHO'S GONNA WEAR ONE OF THOSE?

NO OFFENSE, BUT... THEY'RE SORT OF SILLY LOOKING.

- YOU'LL GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

YOU WILL FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

- SO YOU LOOK A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

- WITH MY TOUPEES, YOU WILL LOOK MORE REALISTIC,

BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

SO, GEORGE, HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?

- WELL, I--I USED TO HAVE MORE HAIR UP ON TOP GOING ACROSS,

AND AROUND THE BACK AND SIDES TOO.

WAIT TILL MY WIFE GETS A LOAD OF THIS.

I MIGHT STOP OFF AT THE BAR, THOUGH.

SEE IF I CAN PICK UP SOME GIRLS.

- LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

I--I'M SEEING ME FIVE YEARS AGO.

LIKE A FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH.

I FEEL LIKE NICOLAS CAGE.

- WHEN YOU GO INTO THE SHOWER, YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF.

IT'LL COME OFF BY ITSELF, END UP DOWN THE DRAIN.

JON, LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.

I WEAR A HAIRPIECE.

- OH, SO YOU'RE COMPLETELY BALD.

I FIGURED. I THOUGHT THAT WAS--

- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

[ominous music]

[plastic stretching]

- ROY, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NOT BALD AT ALL.

- NO. I'M NOT BALD.

MY NATURAL HAIR IS SO PERFECT

THAT PEOPLE THINK IT'S A HAIRPIECE,

SO I HAVE TO COVER IT.

- WELL, WE BONDED OVER BEING BALD.

I--

- YEAH. BUT I'M NOT BALD.

I THINK THAT IF I WAS BALD, I'D KILL MYSELF.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT NICE.

RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, I'M DRIVING INTO AREA 51,

ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST SECRETIVE MILITARY BASES.

RIGHT HERE'S GOOD, GUYS.

THANKS A LOT, TOM. SEE YOU, DERRICK.

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS HAVE LONG CLAIMED

THAT AREA 51's MAIN PURPOSE

IS TO HOUSE EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE-FORMS,

BUT ONE FORMER GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL

HAS RECENTLY COME FORWARD

WITH AREA 51's BIGGEST SECRET.

- I WAS A GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST AT AREA 51,

INVOLVED IN TOP-SECRET OPERATIONS.

MOST OF THIS INFORMATION HAS BEEN DECLASSIFIED NOW,

BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE UNAWARE OF AN EVEN MORE SECRET LOCATION

WITHIN AREA 51,

WHICH WAS CALLED AREA 54.

- WHAT WAS AREA 54?

- [laughs]

- * I'VE BEEN FLYING THROUGH SPACE *

* MAKE IT RAIN ON MY FACE

- THE IDEA THAT WE WERE ON A TOP-SECRET MILITARY BASE

COMBINED WITH THE FACT THAT THERE WAS AN EVEN MORE

TOP-SECRET DISCOTHEQUE

WITHIN THE TOP-SECRET MILITARY BASE,

WELL, IT ATTRACTED A LOT OF ATTENTION.

CELEBRITIES WANTED IN IMMEDIATELY.

THE TRICKY PART WAS GETTING THEM THROUGH CLEARANCE.

IN THE END, WE COMMISSIONED MOST OF THEM AS OFFICERS.

[disco music]

*

- SO THIS IS THE HALLWAY THAT LED TO AREA 54?

- YES, IT WAS, UH, RIGHT HERE ON THE LEFT.

KEPT THE SIGN AND THE VELVET ROPES.

- UH-HUH.

- BUT NOW IT'S JUST A [bleep] IRISH PUB.

- TIMES HAVE CHANGED, HUH?

- TELL ME ABOUT IT. - YEAH.

- KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM WITH KIDS IS?

- THANKS.

- YOU GOT NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THEM.

I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE INTERESTED

IN ALL THIS NONSENSE THEY JABBER TO ME ABOUT.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- PLUS YOU LOSE YOUR FREEDOM,

YOUR SEX LIFE, YOUR INDIVIDUALITY,

- THAT'S HIM! THE ONE ON THE VAN.

BRING HIM. NOW.

- WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? - PLEASE COME WITH US.

- WHY? WHAT'D I DO? - RIGHT NOW, SIR.

- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. - AH, IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING.

- HE BROUGHT ME HERE. I DIDN'T...

- YOU TOO, COLONEL. - [groans]

- DAVE? WHAT'S UP?

- MR. BENJAMIN,

12 YEARS AGO, MILITARY ARCHEOLOGISTS

UNCOVERED A RELIC WHICH BORE HIEROGLYPHICS

TELLING THE STORY OF WHERE IT CAME FROM.

IT ALSO HAD OTHER MARKINGS ON IT,

WHICH TRISH HAS DETERMINED TO BE A GALACTIC MAP.

- IS THAT TRISH? - MM-HMM.

- THE HIEROGLYPHICS TELL US THAT THE RELIC ITSELF

IS A STAR DOOR, A PORTAL TO ANOTHER GALAXY.

- ALL RIGHT, WAIT.

IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING AS STAR DOORS?

- IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING AS STAR DOORS?

- OH, MY GOD.

A VAN-SHAPED STAR DOOR.

- WE HAVE SPENT THE LAST 12 YEARS TRYING TO ACTIVATE IT,

AND THE WRITING ON IT TELLS US YOUR VAN MAY BE THE KEY.

- IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE.

I--I JUST...

[alarm sounds]

- JACKSON! TEAM "A"!

- HAS THIS HAPPENED BEFORE?

- NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

[electricity crackles]

- THE VAN IS ALIGNING ITSELF WITH THE STAR DOOR.

- IT'S IDENTIFYING THE COORDINATES

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAR DOOR.

SOMEWHERE IN THE KEENAN SYSTEM.

- IS THE STAR DOOR ACTIVATED?

- IT IS, COLONEL.

- SEND IN THE VAN!

- WE'RE GOING THROUGH!

- SOMETHING'S HAPPENING, RIGHT?

- SOMETHING'S DEFINITELY--

- TURN THAT FAN OFF!

GET IN THE VAN.

- WHAT?

- GET IN. YOU'RE DRIVING.

- I--I CAN'T. I'M DOING A SHOW.

DAVE, TELL 'EM.

- NO, NO, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO.

- WHA--I DON'T--NO.

I'LL--I'LL PROBABLY JUST COME BACK--

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH A STAR DOOR.

- MR. BENJAMIN,

THERE'S NO WAY TO DETERMINE WHAT TO EXPECT

WHEN YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAR DOOR,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS.

THE JOURNEY YOU'RE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON

WILL BE REMEMBERED AS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT

IN HUMAN HISTORY.

GOOD LUCK.

- THANKS.

- NOW GO!

THE DOOR MIGHT NOT REMAIN OPEN VERY MUCH LONGER.

- DRIVE, MAN. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

- THE GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR. HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT.

I DON'T WANT TO HIT HIM.

- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

- [honks horn]

- SORRY. IT'S--

- WILL YOU MOVE? - IT'S JAMMING.

- I DON'T WANT TO RUN HIM OVER.

- NOW WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

- SEATBELT? - JUST GO!

- RIGHT.

[all scream]

[loud crash]

- WHAT THE [bleep]?

- AH, GOD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

[both groan]

COLONEL?

COLONEL?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT?

[bleep]

[electricity crackles]

- [speaking alien language]

- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

YEAH, I KNOW. THAT LOOKS BAD.

I CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR. I DIDN'T SEE.

I HAD NO IDEA. GUYS, RIGHT?

I--I'M SORRY. I--

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA BE A ROAD.

OH, GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING, BUT I DON'T--

LET ME EXPLAIN.

I CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR FROM EARTH,

SO IT'S, LIKE, A MILLION LIGHT-YEARS FROM HERE, RIGHT?

- [speaks alien language]

- WHY WOULD YOU BUILD A ROAD IN FRONT OF A STAR DOOR, RIGHT?

CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

- THIS IS BORING.

- I'M SORRY.

- [speaks alien language]

- I CAN'T UNDERS--

NO. NO.

- SEE, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME NOW, RIGHT?

YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE PILLS, AND I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU.

NOW TAKE A PILL.

- OH. OKAY.

- GOT A LITTLE MINT TO 'EM, TOO.

YOU DON'T MIND THAT, DO YA?

[all speaking alien language]

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN HEAR?

YOU GUYS OKAY? YOU GOOD?

OKAY. I'M MOSHAM.

I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GUYS.

I'M GONNA BE YOUR COUNSEL

IN THE CASE OF THE STAR DOOR ACCIDENT.

SO I NEED TO KNOW WHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR.

OKAY. WELL THEN, YOU TWO GUYS CAN GET OUT OF HERE.

FREE TO GO.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. ENJOY YOUR STAY.

REALLY COOL TO MEET YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S, UH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK,

SEE WHAT WE GOT.

WHAT, ARE YOU DRIVING WITH BLINDFOLDS ON?

OKAY.

YEAH, THEY'RE DEAD AS A DOORNAIL.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LISTEN, THIS IS HOW THIS WORKS.

I NEED TO ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.

HAD YOU BEEN DRINKING?

OKAY, I NEED YOU TO BE HONEST WITH ME.

WELL, HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET

THIS CUBE CLARITY ANALYSIS DISALLOWED.

I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT, THOUGH.

WE MIGHT HAVE TO USE IT IN COURT.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT NOT IN TROUBLE.

IF YOU'RE CONVICTED IT'S, YOU KNOW, IMMEDIATE EXECUTION,

SO NOT THE BEST.

LISTEN, YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING, OKAY?

JUST RELAX, LET ME HANDLE THIS THING, OKAY?

HOLD ON A SEC.

[device beeping] YEAH, MOSHAM.

[voice speaks indistinct]

HEY, I'M, UH, I'M IN CHAMBER WITH THAT HUMAN

THAT KILLED THOSE, UH, KIDS.

[voice speaks]

I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL THE GUY.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH, WELL, HOLD ON A SECOND.

LISTEN, I GOT TO TAKE THIS CALL.

OKAY? YOU GET SOME REST.

GET THOSE BAGS OUT OF YOUR EYES, OKAY?

NEED YOU LOOKING GOOD TOMORROW.

JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT NOTHING. I'M TAKING CARE OF YOU.

- STILL TO COME, A SPECIAL "SHAME ON ME" REPORT

FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE ED SHEATH.

- IN THE FIRST SIX MONTHS

SINCE I MOVED INTO MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD,

I'VE BEGUN TO NOTICE IT LOOKS MORE AND MORE FILTHY,

DIRTY, DISGUSTING,

AND THE MAIN CAUSE OF THIS,

ASIDE FROM IMMIGRANTS, IS LITTER.

RECENTLY, WE RECEIVED A NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS

ABOUT WHERE MOST OF THIS IS COMING FROM--

ME.

AT FIRST, I DENIED THESE ALLEGATIONS,

BUT THEN WE RECEIVED THIS INCRIMINATING FOOTAGE.

HERE'S ME EATING AN ICE CREAM CONE.

NOT THAT I NEED THE CALORIES.

NOTICE THE TRASH CAN 15 FEET AWAY.

YOU LAZY JERK.

SHAME ON ME.

THIS NEXT ONE'S HARD TO BELIEVE.

WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I JUST DUMPED A TON OF GARBAGE IN THE [bleep] STREET.

SHAME ON ME.

WE EVEN CONFRONTED ME ABOUT THIS ON CAMERA,

AND THIS WAS MY RESPONSE.

- EXCUSE ME, EDWARD, WHY ARE YOU THROWING TRASH ON THE STREET?

- NO, I'M NOT.

SHAME ON ME.

- THE POINT IS LITTERING IS DISGUSTING,

AND THOSE WHO DO IT ARE DISGUSTING PIGS,

WHICH MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE I'M A DISGUSTING PIG.

THIS IS ME! EVERY INCH I LOATHE!

FAT! IRRESPONSIBLE! LAZY!

THAT'S ME! YEAH!

WHY AM I ALIVE?

[knock on wall]

[bleep] YOU!

I'M EDWARD SHEATH.

SHAME ON ME.

[alien speaking in native tongue]

- CHIEF MAGISTRATE, AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE,

THIS HUMAN CAME THROUGH THE STAR DOOR

AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED,

CAREENED INTO JARGON LOPRAX'S TRANSPORT,

KILLING TWO OF HIS OFFSPRING.

AND ACCORDING TO THE RECORD,

HE SHOWED CLARITY ISSUES.

[group oohs]

- OOH!

- DEFENDING STATEMENTS.

- DEFENSE RESTS.

[scattered whispering]

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA DISPUTE ANYTHING THE PROSECUTION SAID.

ON THE CONTRARY, THEY GOT IT ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

MY CLIENT CAME FROM EARTH THROUGH THE STAR DOOR

ONTO TRANSPORT LANE 57 AND COLLIDED WITH JARGON LOPRAX,

KILLING HIS TWO OFFSPRING IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE CAR.

THIS CLARITY-DEFICIENT EARTH IDIOT...

[laughter]

KILLED THOSE TWO OFFSPRING.

THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

NOBODY'S ARGUING THOSE FACTS.

THEY'RE GONE, AREN'T THEY?

BECAUSE THIS DRUNKARD...

KILLED THEM.

- SIT DOWN.

- YOU'RE GONNA MISS 'EM, AREN'T YOU?

PROBABLY STILL SMELL 'EM.

- DO YOU KNOW IF THEY ALL DIED?

- ANYTHING?

- OH, MY GOD.

- WHAT?

- TRISH, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY.

- WELL, A 50th BIRTHDAY ISN'T SOMETHING A LADY

REALLY WANTS TO ADVERTISE.

- THEREFORE, CHIEF MAGISTRATE,

I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST A MERCY CUBE FOR MY CLIENT.

[indistinct chatter]

- UPON WHAT GROUNDS?

- ON THE GROUNDS THAT JARGON LOPRAX'S OFFSPRING

ARE BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING!

PLEASE THE COURT.

RELAX. I'M DOING GREAT.

THEY'RE BIOS. IT'S CASE CLOSED.

YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

OH, DID I MENTION THEY WERE FEMALE BIOS?

THE MOST USELESS BIOS OF THEM ALL.

CHIEF MAGISTRATE, WE SHOULD BE THANKING MY CLIENT.

THE BREEDING OF BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING

IS AN OFFENSE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.

AND JARGON LOPRAX OVER HERE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

THAN TO HARBOR BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING IN HIS TRANSPORT.

BIOLOGICAL OFFSPRING BRING UNHAPPINESS TO US ALL!

- YEAH! - YEAH!

- AGREED.

JARGON LOPRAX, I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU

TO DEATH BY EXECUTION, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

[cheering]

- YOUR HONOR, WE REQUEST A MERCY CUBE.

- DENIED.

[electricity crackles]

AS FOR OUR HUMAN VISITOR,

YOU TOO ARE NOT WITHOUT BLAME.

- [sighs] I'M SO SORRY, JON.

- I HEREBY REVOKE YOUR DRIVING PRIVILEGES ON GU'AN

FOR A PERIOD OF SIX MONTHS.

[group oohs]

- NO, NO, NO! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS. WE WILL APPEAL THIS.

- MOTION ACCEPTED.

[cheering]

- TO VICTORY, HUH?

BE CAREFUL WITH THAT, JON. THAT'S SOME STRONG STUFF.

[laughs]

- [bleep]

- I'M TELLING YOU. I'M TELLING YOU.

JON, COME ON.

PLEASURE WAS MINE.

DON'T BE A STRANGER, JON.

HEY, JON, YOU FORGET SOMETHING?

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, JON.

SORRY, WHAT? "CASA" WHAT?

OKAY.

CASABLANCA.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS A MOVIE.

[tires screeching]

[upbeat pop music]

- * HAPPY BIRTHDAY

*

- [laughs]

*

[electricity sizzles]

[tires screech]

[gasps]

OH, MY GOD!

TRISH!

- WHOO!

THANK YOU.

YUP, WE DID IT!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH...

ALL OF YOU.

- [subtle gasp] OH, [bleep].

- UH-OH.

- SIR, WERE YOU DRIVING THIS VAN?

- NO.

- SIR, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

- NO.

JON, TELL 'EM I-I--

- WHAT? - THAT I WASN'T DRINKING.

- OH, NO, HE WAS DRINKING.

- WHAT? - YOU HAVE TO COME WITH US.

- JON! - DRANK A LOT.

- THIS IS SERIOUS! - YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DRIVEN.

- YOU ASS[bleep]!

- IS SHE GONNA BE OKAY?

- STAR DOOR!

- STAR DOOR.

[groovy music]

*

- MM-HMM. - OH, YEAH.

THANK YOU. - YEAH, IT'S VERY GOOD.

GOOD. - YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

- GREAT. THANK YOU.