Original subtitles

- TONIGHT ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...

WE'LL VISIT WITH THIS SOLDIER

AND HEAR HIS INCREDIBLE STORY.

AND ON TONIGHT'S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW,

OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

WITH RECLUSIVE GUATEMALAN DRUG LORD EL MANTA BLANCA.

AND ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF "OCD AFTER DARK."

[sexy music]

*

ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN.

[dramatic music]

- [groans]

- OHH.

[beeping]

[explosion]

*

[birds chirping]

- THANK YOU, TIMMY. NOW GO HOME.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE'VE BEEN SATURATED

WITH IMAGES OF WAR OVER THE LAST FEW DECADES

BY THE NEWS MEDIA,

IT'S STILL ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO COMMUNICATE THE HORRORS

OF ACTUALLY BEING THERE.

MANY SOLDIERS RETURN WITH LIFE-ALTERING INJURIES.

PRIVATE NATHAN GLASER IS ONE SUCH SOLDIER

WHOSE LIFE HAS BEEN CHANGED FOREVER

BY HIS MILITARY SERVICE.

SO THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, NATHAN.

I APPRECIATE IT. UM...

WHAT WAS IT LIKE OVER THERE?

- [whispering] I FEARED FOR MY LIFE

EVERY SECOND.

AND IT'S REALLY THE STRANGEST FEELING,

BECAUSE THERE'S NEVER A MOMENT

WHEN YOU'RE NOT CONSTANTLY ON GUARD.

- SO TELL US ABOUT YOUR SPECIFIC INJURY.

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

- WELL, IT ACTUALLY STARTED

BEFORE I WAS DEPLOYED TO AFGHANISTAN.

THE DOCTORS THINK IT STARTED IN BASIC TRAINING.

- I'M SORRY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND...

I'M SAYING, WERE YOU IN A FIREFIGHT OR...

- NO, I NEVER WAS DEPLOYED. I NEVER MADE IT TO AFGHANISTAN.

I WAS NOT IN THE WAR.

- YOU DIDN'T GO TO AFGHANISTAN?

- NO.

- SO YOU DID NOT SUSTAIN YOUR INJURY DURING AN ATTACK?

- NO, IT WAS FROM SCREAMING.

- YOU LOST YOUR VOICE FROM SCREAMING?

- I'D BEEN GETTING READY FOR BED AND BRUSHING MY TEETH,

AND JUST THINKING ABOUT GOING TO WAR,

AND I WOULD START SCREAMING FROM BEING SO SCARED.

[screaming]

- SO YOU WERE SCARED OF THE IDEA OF WAR.

- THAT'S CORRECT. - AND THAT'S HOW...

- IT'S THE SCARIEST THING YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.

- HOW HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU'VE BEEN BACK

FROM BASIC TRAINING?

- IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT AT FIRST,

YOU KNOW, LIVING WITH MY-- WITH MY INJURY.

YOU KNOW, IT TOOK ITS TOLL ON MY RELATIONSHIP

AND MY JOB.

MAKE SURE THAT YOU TAKE TWO PILLS A DAY.

CAN BE AT EACH MEAL.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT BEFORE, BUT JUST AROUND MEAL TIME.

- SORRY?

- FINISH OUT THE PRESCRIPTION, OKAY?

- I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T CATCH THAT PART.

- [sighs]

- HAS THE MILITARY OR THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION

BEEN SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR CONDITION?

- NO, I'M GETTING NO SUPPORT FROM EITHER OF THEM.

THEY DON'T CONSIDER PRE-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

A REAL THING.

- PRE-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.

- WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

IS THAT SOMETIMES IT JUST GETS VERY HARD...

- I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T HEAR THAT.

- [whispers indistinctly]

- SORRY. IT'S JUST WHEN CARS GO BY,

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SO...

- I UNDERSTAND. IT'S JUST...

[helicopter whirring]

- THAT HELICOPTER SOUND MUST NOT REMIND YOU OF WAR,

'CAUSE YOU WERE NEVER THERE.

- [sighs]

- I LOST MY ARM IN THE WAR.

- I ALSO LOST MY ARM IN THE WAR.

- I LOST MY LEG DURING THE WAR.

- I LOST MY VOICE THINKING ABOUT BEING IN THE WAR.

- SPONSORED BY VETERANS AGAINST WAR.

- SIR?

[knock on stall wall]

HELLO?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY CASH STALL?

[swing music]

*

[cash register dings]

[knock on stall wall]

YOU, IN THE NEXT STALL,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY CASH STALL?

THE GAME CASH STALL? - WAIT.

- YOU CAN WIN $100 IF YOU ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS

BEFORE YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.

- [bleep] WEIRDO.

- NO, I'M NOT A WEIRDO. I'M THE HOST OF CA--SIR?

ARE YOU LEAVING?

I'M SORRY. YOU LOST CASH STALL.

[toilet flushes]

- [clears throat]

[belt unbuckling]

- EXCUSE ME, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY CASH STALL?

SIR? [knock on stall wall]

- EXCUSE ME? - I'M JON BENJAMIN.

I'M THE HOST OF CASH STALL.

YOU CAN WIN $100 IF YOU... - CASH WHAT?

- CASH STALL, LIKE THE STALLS THAT WE'RE IN

IN THE BATHROOM.

- NO. - [chuckles]

I'M SERIOUS. IT'S $100 IF YOU--

AND I CAN SHOW IT TO YOU. IT'S RIGHT THERE.

- [bleep] YOU, MAN.

GET THE [bleep] OUT OF HERE WITH THIS.

- [chuckles]

- YOU OUT YOUR GOD DAMN MIND?

- SO YOU DON'T WANNA PLAY CASH STALL?

- [bleep] YOU, MAN! WHAT THE [bleep]?!

[toilet flushes]

[swing music]

- AND NOW A JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN

FOLLOW-UP.

PREVIOUSLY WE DID A STORY ABOUT BORDER SECURITY,

WHICH, AS YOU MIGHT WELL REMEMBER,

WENT A LITTLE AWRY.

WHOA!

[country music]

*

- SO PEDESTRIANS CROSSING ON FOOT

WILL GO TO THE LEFT OF THE GUARD STATION.

- MM-HMM. - ALL VEHICLES WILL CROSS HERE

AT THE ACTUAL BORDER ITSELF.

- SO THIS IS THE ACTUAL BORDER. - YES, SIR.

- SO IF I JUMPED OVER HERE RIGHT NOW,

I'D HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY DOWN THERE

JUST TO GET BACK INTO THE STATES.

- YES, SIR. - WOW.

- OH, CAN YOU HOLD ON A SEC? - SURE.

- ROB. ROB.

HEY, CAN YOU LOOK AT THIS FOR A SEC?

- WHAT?

- NO, I WAS JUST TALKING TO THE BORDER GUARD...

- YEAH?

- 'CAUSE HE WAS SAYING THAT THIS IS--

THIS AREA RIGHT HERE IS THE-- - YEAH?

- SIR. - REALLY FUNNY, JON.

- SIR, YOU CANNOT CROSS HERE. - OKAY.

HE JUST PUSHED ME OVER, SIR, 'CAUSE IT'S FUNNY...

- SIR, I'M SORRY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE YOUR WAY

AT THIS TIME TO THE OFFICIAL REENTRY POINT.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - THOSE ARE THE RULES.

THAT'S THE LAW.

- OKAY. LET ME JUST GET MY PASSPORT.

- SIR, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN.

THERE IS NO ENTRY HERE. NO PASADA AQUI.

- GRACIAS.

JON, COULD YOU PLEASE GET MY PASSPORT OUT OF THE VAN?

- NO. - JON, GET MY PASSPORT

OUT OF THE VAN RIGHT NOW.

- I SAID, NO, ROB, I'M NOT GETTING IT!

- THIS ISN'T A JOKE, JON!

- COME ON, WE'RE GOING. - JON, YOU'RE GETTING--

DO NOT GET IN THAT--

I'M OKAY. - LEO, NO, COME WITH ME.

- LEO. - LEO!

- GIVE ME MY [bleep] PASSPORT, YOU ASS--

OKAY, OKAY, GUYS.

NO PROBLEMO, GUYS. IT'S A JOKE.

A CHISTE. YOU KNOW CHISTE GRACIOSA?

- HAVE FUN IN MEXICO, ROB!

- OKAY, OKAY. - [laughs]

- I'M JUST GONNA WALK... [engine starts]

TO AMERICA ENTRADO, OKAY? - WE'LL SEE YOU BACK

IN AMERICA SOMEDAY!

- YOU [bleep] DICK! - [laughs]

ONE YEAR LATER WE WENT DOWN TO MEXICO

TO CHECK IN ON ROB AND SEE HOW HE WAS DOING.

[Spanish guitar music]

*

[man sings in Spanish]

- [speaks Spanish]

- NO, NO, I DON'T-- I'M JON...

- [crying] NO, NO, NO, NO...

- NO, I'M HERE FOR ROB, ROB SHUTTERMAN.

I'M JON BENJAMIN FROM AMERICA.

I'M HERE TO SEE ROB. A FRIEND.

- OH.

- I'M NOT GONNA TAKE YOUR BABY.

I DON'T WANT IT.

- JUAN BENJAMIN.

- JON BENJAMIN, YES. ROB LIVES HERE?

- [speaks Spanish]

- OKAY. I'M SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION.

YEAH, I DON'T TAKE BABIES.

- [baby cries]

- BAD THINGS HAPPEN HERE.

HERE. HERE'S GIFTS FROM AMERICA.

- NO, NO, NO. - YEAH, YEAH. $3.

- GRACIAS. - SORRY ABOUT YOUR BABY.

- [crying]

[chickens clucking]

- ROB?

- IT'S CRAZY THAT YOU LIVE HERE, ROB.

- SI, MUY BONITA AQUI.

- WHAT?

- [Spanish accent] IT'S PRETTY.

- YEAH. LOOK, I WANNA APOLOGIZE FOR DOING THE JOKE

WHERE I PUSHED YOU OVER THE BORDER.

IT WAS--IT WAS JUVENILE, AND I'M SORRY IT HAPPENED.

- THANK YOU.

I WAS ANGRY AT FIRST, BUT...

IT WAS FUNNY.

both: [laugh] - YEAH.

- IT WAS. - WELL, THE THING IS,

I CERTAINLY DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU

TO HAVE TO LIVE IN MEXICO FOR A YEAR.

- NO, JUAN.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR HERE.

SURE, IT WAS HARD TO MAKE A LIVING FIRST,

AND MY FIRST CHILD WAS KILLED BY LOS ZETAS.

- WHAT IS THAT? - DRUG GANG.

- SORRY. - BANG-BANG.

BUT JUAN BENJAMIN IS IN THE CASA.

- [laughs] - DO YOU LIKE WINE?

- YOU KNOW I DO. - WE HAVE THE BEST RED WINE.

- OH, WOW. LET'S--YEAH.

- IT'S THE BEST WINE YOU EVER HAD.

I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY WINE.

- OH, IT'S FINE.

IT'S 9:00 A.M. ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, ROB.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A WIFE AND A FAMILY AND...

YOU USED TO BE SUCH A SELF-ABSORBED ASS [bleep]

IN THE STATES.

BUT NOW, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE SO MUCH IN A YEAR.

- SI. AS YOU GRINGOS SAY, LIFE IS A FAST LANE.

- IT'S "LIFE IN THE FAST LANE," ROB.

- MAYBE. - HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE DOWN HERE DOING A STORY

ABOUT THE WORLD'S MOST PHOTOGRAPHED BABY

IN THE TOWN OF LA FRONTERA COMALAPA.

DO YOU KNOW IT? - SI, SI.

OH, IT'S LOVELY DOWN THERE. - YEAH.

I MEAN, WE HAVE A BETTER PRODUCER

THAN YOU EVER WERE,

BUT WE COULD USE YOUR LANGUAGE SKILLS

IF YOU WANNA COME AND HELP.

- I WOULD LOVE THAT.

- WELL, LET'S DO IT. - MM.

AS LONG AS CATALINA SAYS IT'S OKAY.

- [laughs] IS THAT THE WIFE?

- SI, SI. [mimics whip cracking]

- YEAH, I KNOW, WOMEN ARE AWFUL.

- PRETTY THICK JUNGLE, HUH?

- OH, THE JUNGLE IS SO VERDANT.

- THE HOUSE IS OVER HERE.

SO WE'LL JUST DO THE STORY,

AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER

ON THE SHOW. - SURE.

I'M GLAD I DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

- [laughs] I KNOW. IT'S NOT AS EASY AS IT--

- NO, NO, NO. - NO ENTRADA.

- ES UN CHISTE, AMIGO.

- NO CHISTE. NO PASAPORTE, NO ENTRE.

JUAN. - WHAT?

- PLEASE. - OH.

- MY WIFE, MY CHILDREN.

- I DON'T CARE, ROB. - PLEASE, JUAN.

IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO PUT MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER.

- I DID IT AGAIN. I GOTTA GO.

- JUAN, PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN GUATEMALA!

- HAVE FUN IN GUATEMALA, ROB!

- YOU ARE SUCH A [bleep]! - YOU IDIOT, SHUT UP!

- YOU ASS [bleep]!

PLEASE, AMIGO. - SU PASAPORTE.

- SOY MEXICANO. - NO. [speaks Spanish]

- NO PROBLEMAS.

[disco funk music]

*

- EXCUSE ME. - OH, WE'RE...

- ARE THEY FILMING SOMETHING? - YEAH, THIS IS YOU CAN'T...

- WHO IS THIS?

- THIS IS YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE! SO...

THE SHOW YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE!

- CAN YOU-- WAIT, I'M SORRY?

- THIS IS THE SHOW YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE!

WE'RE HERE TO SHOOT VIDEO FOR THE SHOW,

YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE!

- OKAY. UM... - OKAY?

I MEAN, I'LL JUST WALK AROUND AND...

- WELL, LET ME GET--

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOOT...IN HERE.

- RIGHT, I KNOW.

HI, WE'RE WITH YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE!

- WHO? - YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE!

WE'RE WITH THE SHOW YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE!

WE'RE JUST GONNA SHOOT IN THE LOBBY.

- NO, UNFORTUNATELY YOU CAN'T.

- YOU CAN'T WHAT? - YOU CAN'T SHOOT IN HERE.

- CAN YOU-- SIR, EXCUSE ME?

HI, HI. SIR, SIR...

- OH, WE WERE JUST EXPLAINING THAT WE'RE ON THE SHOW

YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE! AND THAT'S WHY...

- NO, YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE.

- ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIGN THE FORM,

AND WE SHOOT HERE, AND THEN YOU'RE ON THE SHOW

YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE! - YOU CANNOT SHOOT HERE.

- CAN YOU SHOOT VIDEO IN HERE?

- CAROL? - UH, NO, WE CAN'T.

- JUST TELL HER WE'LL SHOOT IN THE PLACE.

JUST TELL HER WE'LL SHOOT AROUND...

WE'RE JUST SHOOTING AROUND...

- WE CAN'T SHOOT THERE?

- WE'RE SHOOTING IN PLACES WHERE YOU CAN'T SHOOT.

AND WE ALREADY GOT IT.

SO WE'RE DONE, MAN.

- WELL, HEH...

- WE'RE DOING THE SHOW--

I'M SORRY, YOU'RE IN A MEETING.

- YES. - SILLY TO--

- BUT YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

- NO FILMING IN THE STORE.

- HE HAS TO TURN THIS THING OFF NOW.

- THAT'S A NICE SCARF.

- I MEAN, THANKS FOR BEING ON YOU CAN'T SHOOT HERE!

- COMING UP ON JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN...

OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

WITH RECLUSIVE GUATEMALAN DRUG LORD EL MANTA BLANCA.

- LET'S GET A GOOD STORY.

- WE'RE PRESENTLY ON ROUTE TO THE SECLUDED,

HIGHLY-SECURED COMPOUND OF EL MANTA BLANCA,

ONE OF THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE'S

MOST INFAMOUS DRUG LORDS.

HE'S NEVER DONE AN ON-CAMERA INTERVIEW BEFORE,

UNTIL NOW.

WITH ME.

JON BENJAMIN.

THANK YOU.

HI. JON.

[smacking lips rhythmically]

[doors open]

HOW ARE YOU? I'M JON.

UH, BENJAMIN.

OBVIOUSLY, THANK YOU FOR, UH--

- EL MANTA BLANCA WILL SEE YOU NOW.

- I JUST...YOU KNOW, I--

- [Spanish accent] JUAN?

- ROB?

- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WAS DOING THIS INTERVIEW.

COME!

[kiss] AH!

YOU LOOK WELL.

- SO YOU WORK FOR EL MANTA BLANCA NOW?

- NO.

I AM EL MANTA BLANCA!

- WAIT, WHAT-- THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?

- IT'S NO CHISTE.

- NO WHAT?

- "JOKE," IN SPANISH.

- IT'S, UH... WELL, WHO'S THAT?

- THIS IS BERNIE, MY FATHER.

HE'S VISITING FROM FLORIDA.

- OH, YEAH, I RECOGNIZE HIM

FROM THE PICTURES FROM THAT--

YEAH, HI.

- HE CAN'T HEAR. NO EARDRUMS.

- OH, I'M SORRY.

- [sighs] - Y-YOU--

YOU'RE A DRUG LORD NOW?

- [scoffs] YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.

- WELL, IT IS KIND OF A BAD THING.

- LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE SEMANTICS WITH YOU.

- LOOK, I DO WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR DOING THE JOKE A YEAR AGO,

WHEN I PUSHED YOU OVER THE BORDER--

- JUAN...

THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.

- YEAH. - FOR INSTANCE...

- JESUS CHRIST, ROB, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I JUST SHOT MY FATHER IN THE FACE.

- WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

- YOU SEE, JUAN...

MY FATHER...

HE WAS SELLING INFORMATION TO THE F.B.I.

ABOUT MY DRUG BUSINESS!

IT'S FUNNY WHAT HAPPENS, NO?

- YEAH.

- DO YOU KNOW, IN THE YEAR SINCE YOU

PUSHED ME OVER THE BORDER

INTO GUATEMALA,

I'VE BECOME A VERY IMPORTANT MAN, AS YOU CAN SEE.

BUT I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THE LIVES I'VE LEFT BEHIND.

I LIVE A WAKING DREAM!

WITH THE FACES OF MY PAST WHISPERING PAST ME,

LIKE SPECTERS FROM SOME LOST CIVILIZATION!

BUT NOW...

HERE IN GUATEMALA...

THOUSANDS OF LIVES

HANG ON EACH AND EVERY DECISION I MAKE.

INCLUDING YOURS, MY FRIEND.

- SENOR SHUTTERMAN, THE ARMY'S COMING!

YOU MUST LEAVE NOW, SIR! - LET'S GO!

- COME ON! - GET THE JEEP! GET THE JEEP!

[overlapping shouts]

- GO NOW! - COME ON!

[indistinct shouting]

- VAMONOS! VAMONOS!

[speaking Spanish]

HERE! COVER US!

- I DON'T WANT... OH, GOD.

- [shouting in Spanish]

- NO!

THEY'RE COMING!

[machine gun fire]

- SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!

- I'VE NEVER FIRED A GUN BEFORE, ROB!

- NO, DON'T SHOOT ME! SHOOT THE WHEELS!

AH! GET DOWN!

- OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE SHOOTING BACK!

OH, MY GOD.

- KEEP SHOOTING! BLOW OUT THE TIRES!

- OH, GOD. I'M OUT OF BULLETS!

AAH! THE GUN'S HOT!

[bullet ricochets] - AAH!

- YOU'RE HIT!

I'M OUT OF BULLETS!

- [groaning] - THEY SHOT THE TIRE OUT!

- WE'LL GO ON FOOT! - YOU GOT BLOOD ON ME!

- THE BORDER!

NOW YOU HELP ME!

- HANG ON! - [groaning]

- I GOT YOU.

- AAH! - I GOT YOU.

- MY SHOULDER, IT HURTS. - HANG ON.

- JON, JON...

DO THE JOKE.

- WHAT JOKE?

- [drops accent] THE JOKE.

WHERE YOU PUSH ME OVER THE BORDER.

[touching music]

*

- IT WOULD BE AN HONOR...

OLD FRIEND.

- THANK YOU.

[audio slowed] - [grunts]

[audio slowed] - OHHH!

AAH!

[indistinct chatter]

- [laughing, audio slowed]

[normal audio] - SORRY, FELLAS.

A LITTLE LATE.

- YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY, JON.

- DON'T WORRY, ROB.

I GOT MY PASSPORT.

- ACTUALLY, YOU DON'T, JON!

HA HA HA HA!

- GIVE ME MY PASSPORT, ROB.

- NOO!

- GIVE IT BACK! THAT'S MY PASSPORT!

- NO! YOU'RE AN IDIOT! - THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME!

- [high-pitched laugh] - JESUS CHRIST, NO!

THAT'S--THAT'S MY JOKE, YOU ASS [bleep]!

OH, MY GOD! - [laughing]

BORDER!

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