All language subtitles for Home.Economics.S01E07_English

‐ Chapter seven.

Tom, Connor and Sarah
had a rich tradition

of ridiculous arguments,
but today,

they were on
their best behavior.

‐ Connor, where might
I find more napkins?

‐ Oh, I believe they're
in the closet, Sarah.

‐ Thank you.

‐ It was the anniversary
of their parents,

Marshall and Muriel,

and they were determined
not to ruin it,

like they'd ruined
every other anniversary.

‐ You had to throw my food
on the ground?

‐ They confine those ducks
and force feed them‐‐

‐ Enough!

‐ There are a million signs.
Do not touch the animals!

‐ If a dolphin holds
out a flipper,

you don't leave him hanging.
‐ Enough!

‐ You just had to pick a fight
with the red knight.

‐ Um, he was wearing Skechers.

I'm just supposed
to let that go?

‐ Every single year.

‐ This year
is gonna be different.

We're in a groove now.

We don't argue like we used to.

‐ What?
Connor!

‐ Wow, I really set myself
up there, huh?

‐ What is "Alicia Silverstick"
doing in your closet?

‐ First of all, his name
is "Stickolas Cage."

‐ Okay, I'm guessing
there's a backstory

that we're gonna
have to hear about?

‐ 1995, family trip
to Yosemite,

these two find a stick
and start arguing over it.

That's it, that's the end
of the backstory.

‐ So to be clear,
it's just a stick?

‐ No, it's a lucky stick.

‐ Yeah.
We got locked in the cabin

and used this stick
to break a window.

‐ And you said it got lost.
‐ It did, and then I found it.

‐ My‐‐that's my stick!
Stop it!

You know it!
‐ Hey, guys?

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!

‐ [grunting]

‐ Every single year.

[upbeat music]

‐ 42 years together.
‐ If you'd told me

I'd settle down with the same
woman for 42 years,

I would have said,
"You're dreaming, pal."

‐ Wow, so romantic.

‐ It's a love story
for the ages.

‐ You're just abandoning us
there with the stick twins?

‐ Sorry, I got a text
from Amanda Conley.

She's, like, the top book agent
in New York.

She agreed to read
some chapters of my novel.

‐ [gasps]
‐ I don't know how to sign off.

It's, like, "Sincerely"?
"Fondly"?

"Humbly yours."
What am I doing?

I might as well just send
back, like, a heart emoji.

‐ Wow, you are nervous,
even for you.

‐ Yeah, it's just‐‐this is,
like, a big deal.

I mean, after Jeremiah's plan
tanked and my agent dropped me,

I wasn't sure if‐‐

if anyone would want
this next book.

‐ Yeah, um, at some point,
you're gonna have

to tell your family
that the book is about them.

‐ You said that legally
I don't have to, so...

‐ Okay, all I'm saying
is if I had had the stick,

then maybe I wouldn't
be unemployed,

and President Sanders would be
in his second term.

‐ Wait, you want Deion Sanders
to be president, too?

‐ Who?
‐ Neon Deion.

Who are you talking about?

‐ Sending to Amanda now.

[phone notification whooshes]

‐ "This is the story
of the Hayworth family,

"three siblings
who loved each other,

but money sometimes
got in the way."

‐ No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

‐ Wait, Tom, is this your book?

‐ Oh, you sent it to Connor

instead of Conley.

That's bad.

‐ Oh, my God.
Your book is about us?

‐ What?
No.

‐ Tom!
‐ Give me back my phone.

‐ Give him back his phone!
‐ How do I delete?

How do I delete?
‐ Connor, double back!

Sto‐‐Tom!
‐ Hey!

‐ Stop it!
Get over here!

Tom‐‐
‐ Tom's fast.

‐ Like a gazelle.
‐ Tom!

‐ What is this, asparagus?

‐ Oh, no, no.
‐ Do it, Connor, do it.

‐ No, no, no, no, no, no!
‐ Do it.

‐ No, no, no, no, no.

No‐‐
[screams and laughs]

Stop.
[laughs]

Not cool.

‐ "The Hayworth family

"was as cracked and uneven

as the sun‐scorched streets
of suburban Sacramento."

Wow.

‐ Sarah, can I just please‐‐

[phone notification whooshes,
phones dinging]

‐ Well, since the book
is about us,

I think that "us"
should get to read it.

‐ [breathing heavily]

Hey, guys‐‐guys, I was gonna
change the names

and kind of fudge the details.
I'll tell you what.

You guys just delete
the e‐mail now,

and then I'll send you the
whole thing when it's finished.

And we should really be
celebrating Mom and Dad, right?

It's their anniversary.
Let's celebrate them!

‐ Are we in the book, Daddy?
‐ Uh...

‐ "These days, Tom's home
was the perfect chrysalis

of dashed hopes."

Yeah, I'm not
the audience for this.

‐ Thomas Chandler Hayworth.
‐ Here we go.

‐ Don't worry.
If it gets ugly,

we just get in the car
and start driving.

‐ You really think it's gonna
be that bad?

‐ I've had a bag packed
ever since

you started writing the book.

‐ Look, I don't think you guys
come off that bad.

‐ We love it!

‐ This is the best anniversary
present ever.

When Brenda finds out
I have a book written about me,

she's gonna lose it.
[chuckling]

‐ Wait, what?
You guys are cool with this?

Even the part about Dad
having an affair?

‐ That was my favorite part.
Muriel really let him have it.

‐ I had no idea
how ol' Marshall

was gonna get out of that one.

‐ Now, remember,
your mother is an actress.

So when you make the movie,

I would like
the role of Muriel.

Don't choose someone obvious
like Reese Witherspoon.

‐ I don't think that's gonna
be an issue.

‐ Yeah, Tommy,
the Marshall character?

Let me throw this out there.

What if he's, like,
a private eye with a dark past?

‐ Yeah, that's not
really the tone‐‐

‐ Or it's, like,
"What's this guy running from?"

Maybe he's running
from himself.

‐ Great note.

I'm just glad that you guys
are cool with it.

I mean, maybe Sarah and Connor
will be cool with it, too.

both: Tom!
‐ Wow.

Really got to stop
setting myself up like that.

‐ Tom, this book makes me
look like a maniac, okay?

"Over one particularly
busy weekend,

"Sarah stormed out
of Whole Foods, a Gap Kids,

and a community theater
production of 'Fun Home.'"

‐ You did all those things.

‐ That doesn't mean
you have to tell everybody!

And in this book,
I'm always raising my voice,

and in real life,
I never raise my voice!

Okay, sometimes
I raise my voice,

but I am the only character
who speaks in all caps.

‐ At least you come off
like an adult, okay?

Every other page,
Tom had me saying,

"Dope,"
and wearing Gucci tracksuits.

‐ You do wear those.
‐ Ironically!

Your book makes me look like
some kind of rich doofus

who spends his money
like a child.

Is that really
what you think of me?

‐ Well, you are eating
the twins' vanilla puffs.

‐ They're nutritious.

‐ Guys, all writers
write about their family.

Nora Ephron said,
"Everything is copy."

‐ Do not use Nora Ephron
against me.

‐ All I'm saying is that all
stories come from real life.

‐ What about John Wick, Tom?
Hmm?

Is that based on real life?

‐ [sighs]
‐ Seriously, is it?

‐ I knew the anniversary
was gonna be a mess,

but my money
was on that dumb stick.

And calling it "Stickolas Cage"

when "Bark Wahlberg"
was right there?

Barky Bark?

Are you mad at something
in Tom's book, too?

‐ No, I'm mad at you.

‐ Me?
What did I do?

‐ Glad you asked.

"As the unfortunate souls
who married into the family,

"Denise and Marina
had their own club,

"'The Normals,' who spent their
every free moment gossiping

and complaining
about the Hayworths."

‐ Oh, my God.
He put that in there?

‐ You didn't read it?
‐ No.

I stopped reading Tom's work

when I realized
he just wants to hear,

"It's great, keep going!"
So I just say that.

‐ Marina, you told Tom
about our secret club,

which is supposed to be secret.
‐ I'm sorry.

I think I was in the tub
with a glass of wine,

and Tom came in, and he started
talking about his family,

and it just slipped out.

You know how tub wine is.

‐ I told you things I would
never want Sarah to know.

Like, "Denise dreaded summer
because it meant more exposure

to Sarah's Eleanor Roosevelt
tattoo."

‐ Oh!
‐ How am I supposed

to trust you now?
‐ I'm sorry.

I screwed up, okay.
But you know what?

That doesn't affect
what you and I have.

‐ You think we can just

go back to the way things were?
[scoffs]

How do I know
if I tell you a secret,

you're not thinking about Tom
the whole time?

‐ Don't say that!
After all we've been through?

‐ I can't even look at you
right now.

I'm not mad.
I'm just hurt.

And I think we may need
some time apart.

‐ No.
Denise, please!

Give me another chance!

‐ I don't want to be
in the gym.

You go in the gym!

‐ Guys, I don't even know
if this thing

is getting published.

‐ But once it's published,

it'll be too late for us
to complain.

‐ Yeah.
We're complaining now, okay?

You have a decision to make.
It's either us or the book.

‐ Yeah, yeah, he's right.
It's us or the book.

‐ What does that even mean?

What, you're not gonna
see me anymore?

‐ The kids will still want
to hang out,

but we're done talking to you.

‐ Yeah, we'll still
have Christmas,

but you're not getting
any presents,

and he's rich, so your loss.

‐ Come on, you guys
are being ridiculous.

‐ Oh, oh,
we're being ridiculous?

‐ Oh, we're being
ridiculous.

‐ Oh, ridiculous!
How original for a writer

to call a woman "ridiculous."

What's next, "hysterical"?

‐ What's next, "hysterical"?
‐ What am I, crazy?

‐ You're just copying
everything that she's saying.

‐ We're all seeing it
come out now!

‐ You're arguing about
Tom's lovely book?

If it's not one thing,
it's another.

‐ Let's skedaddle,
let these kids fight it out.

‐ Look, Tom, your book ruined
Mom and Dad's special day.

‐ No, guys, please don't leave.
Okay?

Can we just go talk someplace?

‐ I mean, I guess we can go
to the wine cellar.

‐ You have a wine cellar?
‐ Yeah.

There's, like, a bunch
of rooms you haven't seen.

[mellow music]

Fun fact, this is actually
Matt Damon's old panic room.

‐ This is perfect.
We can have some wine,

get some stuff
off of our chest.

‐ You would love that,
wouldn't you?

You're always up
for a little Cab and blab.

‐ You know who else
hated gossip?

Eleanor Roosevelt.
‐ Sarah‐‐

‐ You said that you found her
strength and intelligence sexy.

‐ Look, guys,
if we're just gonna fight,

I don't want
Mom and Dad to hear.

‐ Ah, Tom, no!

‐ We're not leaving
until we settle this.

‐ Yeah, we're not leaving,

'cause I don't know the code
to open that door.

‐ Tom!
‐ What is wrong with you?

‐ Nice going, Tom!

‐ What, me?
What about this guy?

Who has a panic room
and forgets the code?

‐ I didn't forget the code,
Tom.

I never bothered to learn it.

‐ How about "them apples"?

‐ Punch in Ben Affleck's
birthday.

‐ Oh, "We Bought A Zoo!"
‐ Sarah.

‐ Sorry.

‐ How is there not a corkscrew
in a wine cellar?

[cell phone buzzes]

‐ I just got a text
from Amanda, the agent.

She said she wants
to talk in an hour.

That's gotta be good, right?
‐ Yeah.

‐ Okay, I gotta
get out of here.

Oh, I gotta get out of here.

Is there, like,
a security company?

Mom?
Dad?

Camila?
‐ Camila!

‐ I got it.
In the kitchen,

there's a binder
with the code in it.

Yeah, it's in, like, a 2‐inch
thick Staples brand binder.

Like, a sky blue swirl pattern

with gold speckles on it.
It should be in the top drawer

to the right of the stove,
left of the mini fridge.

‐ You know all those details,
but not the code?

‐ Connie.
Okay.

I'm on it.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

The chuckleheads locked
themselves in the wine cellar.

‐ Our son has a wine cellar?
Take that, Brenda.

‐ Yeah, and he gave me
an overly specific description

of where the binder is.

Let's see.

Bingo, binder.

That was fun to say.
There's the code.

So let me call Connor back.

Or‐‐
‐ Or what?

‐ You hear that, Mur?

Huh?
Nobody arguing about anything.

So if we can't find the code
right away‐‐

‐ I'm reading you
like the morning paper,

and the headline is,

"Couple finally enjoys
nice anniversary."

♪ ♪

‐ They can't find the code.
‐ Oh, what happened?

Did they fall asleep while you
were describing the binder?

‐ Ha!
Good one.

‐ No.
Not for you.

‐ Guys, can we just
work together

to try to get out of here?

I have that call in 45 minutes,

and I can't do it with all
your faces just looking at me.

Or you guys playing tug of war
over a piece of bark.

‐ This is not just
a piece of bark, okay?

It's a symbol how Connor
takes whatever he wants

like a selfish baby.

‐ Tom's stupid book was right.

You do blow everything up.

"Oh, the universe is so unfair,

denying me my right
to the stick."

‐ All right.
You know what?

I want you to have
"Alicia Silverstick,"

to prove,
despite what you and Tom think,

that I am not
some vegan rage werewolf.

‐ Mm, you know what?

I think you should
have the stick

as a sign of my non‐immaturity.

‐ You can just say maturity.

‐ [mockingly]
You can just say maturity.

‐ Can I borrow your shoe?

I learned this trick
in college.

‐ I'm not letting you
borrow my shoe.

‐ Denise, you could
be mad at me sober

or mad at me
drinking $500 wine.

Your choice.

♪ ♪

‐ I think the movie Muriel
would have a Southern accent.

‐ Now this?
This is the life.

[cell phone buzzing]

‐ Yellow?
Hey, Con.

No, we have looked
all over for it.

Yeah, listen, hang tight.
Don't lose hope.

‐ Looks like I'm not
the only actor in the family.

‐ Hey, Kelvie.
The Marshall character, right?

So he's sitting in his office.

He's got
this haunted look on his face,

and in through the door
walks this dame,

and I'm talking gams for days.

[upbeat music]

[bottle thunking]
‐ [sighs]

♪ ♪

‐ Just stop!

I have the most important call
of my life,

and you guys
are driving me crazy.

‐ I'm trying to help.

‐ Just put some muscle into it!

‐ [gasps]

♪ ♪

‐ No.

‐ You know what
really hurts, Tom?

I thought we were getting along
better than ever.

Like, I‐‐I really felt that.

‐ So did I.
But you were just taking notes.

‐ Using us.

‐ Oh, man, this is why I didn't
want you guys to read it

until it was finished,
but now you have,

and I don't know what to do.
It's, like,

if I stop writing the book,
I won't have any money.

And if I don't have any money,
then Marina has

to go back to work
at some sleazy law firm.

She probably meets some slick
tax attorney who's bilingual,

by the way, and my kids
will start calling him Papi,

and I'll be out in the street
and alone with no family,

wishing I hadn't quit
beginner Spanish

because I can't roll my Rs.

[flatly]
Churro, churr‐‐

I still can't do it!

[frustrated laugh]

‐ [rolling Rs]
Churro.

‐ Ah, it's so fricking hot
in here, right?

It's like, it's like,
1,000 degrees!

Are we gonna run
out of oxygen at some point?

[cell phone buzzing]
That's it, that's her.

I can feel it.
Yep, okay.

What do I do?
What do I do?

‐ Answer it.
Be cool.

‐ Okay, yeah.
I can do that.

[exhales]

Let me just kinda‐‐hmm, okay.

[cell phone buzzing]

Just gonna‐‐

[clearing throat continuously]

[cell phone buzzing]

[clears throat]

‐ Tom.
‐ Yeah, I got it.

[clears throat]

‐ Tom Hayworth,
we meet at last.

‐ Hey, Amanda,
how's it hanging?

Going‐‐how‐‐how you going?

How's it going with you?
[chuckles nervously]

But, seriously,
how are you doing?

‐ [laughs]
So anyway,

we are having
the best time in Yosemite

until we're out on this hike,
and the kids find

this dang stick
that your grandmother

and I called "Stevie Sticks."
‐ Mm‐hmm.

[both laughing]

‐ Fleetwood Mac?
Anybody?

‐ Fleetwood Mac?

Oh, yeah, no, it's old.

‐ Anyway, your mom and dads
fought so much over this stick

that we locked them
in the cabin

and spent some peace and quiet
out on the deck.

‐ So just like today.

‐ Yeah!
‐ That's right.

‐ Isn't that something?

‐ I just wanted to say again
how nice it is

to have the opportunity
to be able to speak with you,

and just the fact
that you called back so quickly

is the cherry
on top of a sundae that is‐‐

I'm sorry.
What was the question?

‐ How are you?
‐ Oh, uh, good.

Well. I'm well.
How are you?

‐ Great.
Let's talk about your book.

‐ I can change the whole thing.
[chuckles nervously]

‐ I love it.
‐ Oh!

'Kay, okay.
Wow.

‐ Yeah, the whole rich,
middle, poor thing.

Ugh, it's very "now."

‐ I wouldn't say we're poor.

‐ And I love "The Normals."

Never have two women
needed each other more.

They are a great pair.
I see a spin‐off.

But I do have some thoughts
on the characters.

‐ Coolio.

‐ Uh, this Sarah, she's‐‐

how do I say this?

Unlikable.

She's so angry and shouty,

and people, they don't want
to be angry all the time.

I can't sell angry.

Does she have to be
so political?

‐ What is wrong with political?

‐ Why don't we just make her
a fun lesbian?

Like Rosie O'Donnell
in the '90s?

‐ Huh, why‐‐I hadn't
thought about that.

‐ Oh, let me get ahead of you.

It's not offensive.
I'm bi.

I like mostly everyone,
which is a "me" problem.

But, Connor, he comes off
a little bit like a‐‐

‐ Doofus?
‐ A dummy.

‐ I was gonna say dummy.

‐ Yeah, how did he get
all his money?

I'm just not buying it.

How about you make him
a villain?

Like, an evil genius,

like a Bernie Madoff type?

He steals money
from Tom and Sarah.

Ooh, you could give him

a little nasty little kink,
you know?

We could market
to the "Fifty Shades" crowd.

‐ Ah, well, I mean,
you're the expert.

‐ Okay, make those changes,
and we might have a book here.

I can pull you right up
to the top where you belong.

You in?

‐ [chuckles]

I can't.

‐ Was that a can or a can't?

What was it?

‐ The thing is, Amanda,

these characters
that you're talking about...

I mean, I love them.

You say that Sarah
is too angry,

but I see a woman
who stands up so fiercely

for what she believes in.

And, yeah, she has a tendency
to leave places

or be asked to leave places,

but that's just because
she cares so much.

I wish I cared about anything

as much as Sarah cares about...

everything.

‐ I do care.
‐ And, yeah, I can see

where it looks like Connor
lives his life

like Tom Hanks in "Big,"

but where you see that
as immature and impulsive,

I see his childlike optimism.

Connor believes anything
is possible.

‐ I dream impossible dreams.

‐ And, yeah, your version
might sell more copies,

but I want everyone
to see their family in this‐‐

everything that's flawed,

and everything
that's wonderful about them.

[warm music]

And if you're not okay
with that, then...

you know what?
I'm not the author for you.

‐ Okay, Tom!

‐ Ay, mi amor.

‐ Huh.

I thought with all the trouble
you had with your last book,

you know, with it not selling,

you'd be a little bit
more open for advice.

But, I mean, honestly,
if you wanna‐‐

[phone clicks]
‐ Oh.

‐ I hung up on her.
‐ Oh, yeah, you did!

‐ Whoo!
‐ Whoo!

‐ Oh, my God.
What did I do?

I hung up on her.
‐ Oh!

‐ You stormed out of the call!

I would have done
the same thing.

‐ Very impulsive.

Way to be immature, Tom.
I love that.

‐ But what do I do now?

‐ You finish the book.
I want to see what happens.

‐ Are you sure?
You guys are okay with that?

‐ Yeah, it's fine.
No one reads anymore.

‐ At least there's some women
in this one.

‐ So they're back together.

‐ Reunited, yeah.

[laughter]

I want what they have.
‐ I missed you.

‐ I have so many things
to gossip about.

‐ Can we never let our spouses
get between us again?

‐ Yes.

[both sighing]

‐ Oh, thank you.

‐ Yeah.
‐ Vino?

‐ Oh, thank you.

Well,

now that I have no agent,

guess I'm gonna need
all the luck I can get.

I think it's time for me
to take custody

of old "Charles Stickens" here.

‐ Tom‐‐
‐ Okay.

‐ That's not funny, come on.
[overlapping chatter]

‐ Tom had been scared
of the wrong thing.

He was afraid that the book
would tear his family apart.

But if the past few months had
taught the Hayworths anything,

it was that they had a bond
that was unbreakable.

Oh!

[all screaming]
‐ Oh!

‐ Oh!
‐ Oh!

‐ No!
‐ No!

[all groaning]

‐ Oh!
‐ Oh, no!

all: No, no, no, no, no, no!

‐ Oh, my God.

[door whooshes]

all: [chuckle nervously]

‐ Happy anniversary!

‐ Happy anniversary.
‐ Yeah!

‐ Yay!
‐ Yeah!

[door whooshes]

‐ Oh, wait‐‐
‐ No, wait‐‐

‐ Okay, guys.
This is a little exciting.

It's time
for a dramatic reading

from an upcoming bestseller

that's very personal
to all of us.

It's drawn
from our very own family.

So without further ado,
I give you,

"A Kill Too Far:

Book One
of the Marshall Chronicles"

by Marshall Hayworth.

[cheers and applause]
‐ [whistling]

‐ Yeah!
‐ Grandpa!

‐ "Chapter one.

"Marshall Hayworth's hands were
registered as lethal weapons.

"The only thing darker than
his smoky eyes was his past.

There was a knock at the door."
[cell phone buzzing]

‐ "In walked trouble,

perched on the prettiest pins
he'd ever seen."

‐ That's me.
[chuckles]

‐ Amanda?
‐ Listen, Tom.

I've been thinking about
everything you said,

and it really resonated
with me.

Made me think about
my own family.

Ugh, they're a bunch
of screwups, too.

‐ Well, I didn't exactly
call them‐‐

‐ So if you're game,
I would love

to take you on as a client.

Let's sell that book of yours.

‐ Really?
‐ Well, I guess you could say

I just have this soft spot
for sibling stories.

Also, three of my clients just
got canceled for racist tweets,

so I need to sell something.

But here's the thing.

I hang up on you.
You don't hang up on me.

‐ Absolutely, understood.

‐ No, I need you to keep
talking so I can hang up.

‐ Oh, okay, well, in that case,

let me just say
it's a thrill‐‐

to‐‐are you‐‐hello?

You still‐‐okay.

[Lizzo's "Good as Hell"]

‐ "'Well, then, you've come
to the right place,'

"replied Marshall,
taking a pull off of the Scotch

he kept in his desk drawer,
a snub‐nosed..."

‐ ♪ I do my hair toss,
check my nails ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss, check my nails ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'?
Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ ♪