Original subtitles

‐ Chapter seven.

Tom, Connor and Sarah had a rich tradition

of ridiculous arguments, but today,

they were on their best behavior.

‐ Connor, where might I find more napkins?

‐ Oh, I believe they're in the closet, Sarah.

‐ Thank you.

‐ It was the anniversary of their parents,

Marshall and Muriel,

and they were determined not to ruin it,

like they'd ruined every other anniversary.

‐ You had to throw my food on the ground?

‐ They confine those ducks and force feed them‐‐

‐ Enough!

‐ There are a million signs. Do not touch the animals!

‐ If a dolphin holds out a flipper,

you don't leave him hanging. ‐ Enough!

‐ You just had to pick a fight with the red knight.

‐ Um, he was wearing Skechers.

I'm just supposed to let that go?

‐ Every single year.

‐ This year is gonna be different.

We're in a groove now.

We don't argue like we used to.

‐ What? Connor!

‐ Wow, I really set myself up there, huh?

‐ What is "Alicia Silverstick" doing in your closet?

‐ First of all, his name is "Stickolas Cage."

‐ Okay, I'm guessing there's a backstory

that we're gonna have to hear about?

‐ 1995, family trip to Yosemite,

these two find a stick and start arguing over it.

That's it, that's the end of the backstory.

‐ So to be clear, it's just a stick?

‐ No, it's a lucky stick.

‐ Yeah. We got locked in the cabin

and used this stick to break a window.

‐ And you said it got lost. ‐ It did, and then I found it.

‐ My‐‐that's my stick! Stop it!

You know it! ‐ Hey, guys?

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!

‐ [grunting]

‐ Every single year.

[upbeat music]

‐ 42 years together. ‐ If you'd told me

I'd settle down with the same woman for 42 years,

I would have said, "You're dreaming, pal."

‐ Wow, so romantic.

‐ It's a love story for the ages.

‐ You're just abandoning us there with the stick twins?

‐ Sorry, I got a text from Amanda Conley.

She's, like, the top book agent in New York.

She agreed to read some chapters of my novel.

‐ [gasps] ‐ I don't know how to sign off.

It's, like, "Sincerely"? "Fondly"?

"Humbly yours." What am I doing?

I might as well just send back, like, a heart emoji.

‐ Wow, you are nervous, even for you.

‐ Yeah, it's just‐‐this is, like, a big deal.

I mean, after Jeremiah's plan tanked and my agent dropped me,

I wasn't sure if‐‐

if anyone would want this next book.

‐ Yeah, um, at some point, you're gonna have

to tell your family that the book is about them.

‐ You said that legally I don't have to, so...

‐ Okay, all I'm saying is if I had had the stick,

then maybe I wouldn't be unemployed,

and President Sanders would be in his second term.

‐ Wait, you want Deion Sanders to be president, too?

‐ Who? ‐ Neon Deion.

Who are you talking about?

‐ Sending to Amanda now.

[phone notification whooshes]

‐ "This is the story of the Hayworth family,

"three siblings who loved each other,

but money sometimes got in the way."

‐ No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

‐ Wait, Tom, is this your book?

‐ Oh, you sent it to Connor

instead of Conley.

That's bad.

‐ Oh, my God. Your book is about us?

‐ What? No.

‐ Tom! ‐ Give me back my phone.

‐ Give him back his phone! ‐ How do I delete?

How do I delete? ‐ Connor, double back!

Sto‐‐Tom! ‐ Hey!

‐ Stop it! Get over here!

Tom‐‐ ‐ Tom's fast.

‐ Like a gazelle. ‐ Tom!

‐ What is this, asparagus?

‐ Oh, no, no. ‐ Do it, Connor, do it.

‐ No, no, no, no, no, no! ‐ Do it.

‐ No, no, no, no, no.

No‐‐ [screams and laughs]

Stop. [laughs]

Not cool.

‐ "The Hayworth family

"was as cracked and uneven

as the sun‐scorched streets of suburban Sacramento."

Wow.

‐ Sarah, can I just please‐‐

[phone notification whooshes, phones dinging]

‐ Well, since the book is about us,

I think that "us" should get to read it.

‐ [breathing heavily]

Hey, guys‐‐guys, I was gonna change the names

and kind of fudge the details. I'll tell you what.

You guys just delete the e‐mail now,

and then I'll send you the whole thing when it's finished.

And we should really be celebrating Mom and Dad, right?

It's their anniversary. Let's celebrate them!

‐ Are we in the book, Daddy? ‐ Uh...

‐ "These days, Tom's home was the perfect chrysalis

of dashed hopes."

Yeah, I'm not the audience for this.

‐ Thomas Chandler Hayworth. ‐ Here we go.

‐ Don't worry. If it gets ugly,

we just get in the car and start driving.

‐ You really think it's gonna be that bad?

‐ I've had a bag packed ever since

you started writing the book.

‐ Look, I don't think you guys come off that bad.

‐ We love it!

‐ This is the best anniversary present ever.

When Brenda finds out I have a book written about me,

she's gonna lose it. [chuckling]

‐ Wait, what? You guys are cool with this?

Even the part about Dad having an affair?

‐ That was my favorite part. Muriel really let him have it.

‐ I had no idea how ol' Marshall

was gonna get out of that one.

‐ Now, remember, your mother is an actress.

So when you make the movie,

I would like the role of Muriel.

Don't choose someone obvious like Reese Witherspoon.

‐ I don't think that's gonna be an issue.

‐ Yeah, Tommy, the Marshall character?

Let me throw this out there.

What if he's, like, a private eye with a dark past?

‐ Yeah, that's not really the tone‐‐

‐ Or it's, like, "What's this guy running from?"

Maybe he's running from himself.

‐ Great note.

I'm just glad that you guys are cool with it.

I mean, maybe Sarah and Connor will be cool with it, too.

both: Tom! ‐ Wow.

Really got to stop setting myself up like that.

‐ Tom, this book makes me look like a maniac, okay?

"Over one particularly busy weekend,

"Sarah stormed out of Whole Foods, a Gap Kids,

and a community theater production of 'Fun Home.'"

‐ You did all those things.

‐ That doesn't mean you have to tell everybody!

And in this book, I'm always raising my voice,

and in real life, I never raise my voice!

Okay, sometimes I raise my voice,

but I am the only character who speaks in all caps.

‐ At least you come off like an adult, okay?

Every other page, Tom had me saying,

"Dope," and wearing Gucci tracksuits.

‐ You do wear those. ‐ Ironically!

Your book makes me look like some kind of rich doofus

who spends his money like a child.

Is that really what you think of me?

‐ Well, you are eating the twins' vanilla puffs.

‐ They're nutritious.

‐ Guys, all writers write about their family.

Nora Ephron said, "Everything is copy."

‐ Do not use Nora Ephron against me.

‐ All I'm saying is that all stories come from real life.

‐ What about John Wick, Tom? Hmm?

Is that based on real life?

‐ [sighs] ‐ Seriously, is it?

‐ I knew the anniversary was gonna be a mess,

but my money was on that dumb stick.

And calling it "Stickolas Cage"

when "Bark Wahlberg" was right there?

Barky Bark?

Are you mad at something in Tom's book, too?

‐ No, I'm mad at you.

‐ Me? What did I do?

‐ Glad you asked.

"As the unfortunate souls who married into the family,

"Denise and Marina had their own club,

"'The Normals,' who spent their every free moment gossiping

and complaining about the Hayworths."

‐ Oh, my God. He put that in there?

‐ You didn't read it? ‐ No.

I stopped reading Tom's work

when I realized he just wants to hear,

"It's great, keep going!" So I just say that.

‐ Marina, you told Tom about our secret club,

which is supposed to be secret. ‐ I'm sorry.

I think I was in the tub with a glass of wine,

and Tom came in, and he started talking about his family,

and it just slipped out.

You know how tub wine is.

‐ I told you things I would never want Sarah to know.

Like, "Denise dreaded summer because it meant more exposure

to Sarah's Eleanor Roosevelt tattoo."

‐ Oh! ‐ How am I supposed

to trust you now? ‐ I'm sorry.

I screwed up, okay. But you know what?

That doesn't affect what you and I have.

‐ You think we can just

go back to the way things were? [scoffs]

How do I know if I tell you a secret,

you're not thinking about Tom the whole time?

‐ Don't say that! After all we've been through?

‐ I can't even look at you right now.

I'm not mad. I'm just hurt.

And I think we may need some time apart.

‐ No. Denise, please!

Give me another chance!

‐ I don't want to be in the gym.

You go in the gym!

‐ Guys, I don't even know if this thing

is getting published.

‐ But once it's published,

it'll be too late for us to complain.

‐ Yeah. We're complaining now, okay?

You have a decision to make. It's either us or the book.

‐ Yeah, yeah, he's right. It's us or the book.

‐ What does that even mean?

What, you're not gonna see me anymore?

‐ The kids will still want to hang out,

but we're done talking to you.

‐ Yeah, we'll still have Christmas,

but you're not getting any presents,

and he's rich, so your loss.

‐ Come on, you guys are being ridiculous.

‐ Oh, oh, we're being ridiculous?

‐ Oh, we're being ridiculous.

‐ Oh, ridiculous! How original for a writer

to call a woman "ridiculous."

What's next, "hysterical"?

‐ What's next, "hysterical"? ‐ What am I, crazy?

‐ You're just copying everything that she's saying.

‐ We're all seeing it come out now!

‐ You're arguing about Tom's lovely book?

If it's not one thing, it's another.

‐ Let's skedaddle, let these kids fight it out.

‐ Look, Tom, your book ruined Mom and Dad's special day.

‐ No, guys, please don't leave. Okay?

Can we just go talk someplace?

‐ I mean, I guess we can go to the wine cellar.

‐ You have a wine cellar? ‐ Yeah.

There's, like, a bunch of rooms you haven't seen.

[mellow music]

Fun fact, this is actually Matt Damon's old panic room.

‐ This is perfect. We can have some wine,

get some stuff off of our chest.

‐ You would love that, wouldn't you?

You're always up for a little Cab and blab.

‐ You know who else hated gossip?

Eleanor Roosevelt. ‐ Sarah‐‐

‐ You said that you found her strength and intelligence sexy.

‐ Look, guys, if we're just gonna fight,

I don't want Mom and Dad to hear.

‐ Ah, Tom, no!

‐ We're not leaving until we settle this.

‐ Yeah, we're not leaving,

'cause I don't know the code to open that door.

‐ Tom! ‐ What is wrong with you?

‐ Nice going, Tom!

‐ What, me? What about this guy?

Who has a panic room and forgets the code?

‐ I didn't forget the code, Tom.

I never bothered to learn it.

‐ How about "them apples"?

‐ Punch in Ben Affleck's birthday.

‐ Oh, "We Bought A Zoo!" ‐ Sarah.

‐ Sorry.

‐ How is there not a corkscrew in a wine cellar?

[cell phone buzzes]

‐ I just got a text from Amanda, the agent.

She said she wants to talk in an hour.

That's gotta be good, right? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Okay, I gotta get out of here.

Oh, I gotta get out of here.

Is there, like, a security company?

Mom? Dad?

Camila? ‐ Camila!

‐ I got it. In the kitchen,

there's a binder with the code in it.

Yeah, it's in, like, a 2‐inch thick Staples brand binder.

Like, a sky blue swirl pattern

with gold speckles on it. It should be in the top drawer

to the right of the stove, left of the mini fridge.

‐ You know all those details, but not the code?

‐ Connie. Okay.

I'm on it.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

The chuckleheads locked themselves in the wine cellar.

‐ Our son has a wine cellar? Take that, Brenda.

‐ Yeah, and he gave me an overly specific description

of where the binder is.

Let's see.

Bingo, binder.

That was fun to say. There's the code.

So let me call Connor back.

Or‐‐ ‐ Or what?

‐ You hear that, Mur?

Huh? Nobody arguing about anything.

So if we can't find the code right away‐‐

‐ I'm reading you like the morning paper,

and the headline is,

"Couple finally enjoys nice anniversary."

♪ ♪

‐ They can't find the code. ‐ Oh, what happened?

Did they fall asleep while you were describing the binder?

‐ Ha! Good one.

‐ No. Not for you.

‐ Guys, can we just work together

to try to get out of here?

I have that call in 45 minutes,

and I can't do it with all your faces just looking at me.

Or you guys playing tug of war over a piece of bark.

‐ This is not just a piece of bark, okay?

It's a symbol how Connor takes whatever he wants

like a selfish baby.

‐ Tom's stupid book was right.

You do blow everything up.

"Oh, the universe is so unfair,

denying me my right to the stick."

‐ All right. You know what?

I want you to have "Alicia Silverstick,"

to prove, despite what you and Tom think,

that I am not some vegan rage werewolf.

‐ Mm, you know what?

I think you should have the stick

as a sign of my non‐immaturity.

‐ You can just say maturity.

‐ [mockingly] You can just say maturity.

‐ Can I borrow your shoe?

I learned this trick in college.

‐ I'm not letting you borrow my shoe.

‐ Denise, you could be mad at me sober

or mad at me drinking $500 wine.

Your choice.

♪ ♪

‐ I think the movie Muriel would have a Southern accent.

‐ Now this? This is the life.

[cell phone buzzing]

‐ Yellow? Hey, Con.

No, we have looked all over for it.

Yeah, listen, hang tight. Don't lose hope.

‐ Looks like I'm not the only actor in the family.

‐ Hey, Kelvie. The Marshall character, right?

So he's sitting in his office.

He's got this haunted look on his face,

and in through the door walks this dame,

and I'm talking gams for days.

[upbeat music]

[bottle thunking] ‐ [sighs]

♪ ♪

‐ Just stop!

I have the most important call of my life,

and you guys are driving me crazy.

‐ I'm trying to help.

‐ Just put some muscle into it!

‐ [gasps]

♪ ♪

‐ No.

‐ You know what really hurts, Tom?

I thought we were getting along better than ever.

Like, I‐‐I really felt that.

‐ So did I. But you were just taking notes.

‐ Using us.

‐ Oh, man, this is why I didn't want you guys to read it

until it was finished, but now you have,

and I don't know what to do. It's, like,

if I stop writing the book, I won't have any money.

And if I don't have any money, then Marina has

to go back to work at some sleazy law firm.

She probably meets some slick tax attorney who's bilingual,

by the way, and my kids will start calling him Papi,

and I'll be out in the street and alone with no family,

wishing I hadn't quit beginner Spanish

because I can't roll my Rs.

[flatly] Churro, churr‐‐

I still can't do it!

[frustrated laugh]

‐ [rolling Rs] Churro.

‐ Ah, it's so fricking hot in here, right?

It's like, it's like, 1,000 degrees!

Are we gonna run out of oxygen at some point?

[cell phone buzzing] That's it, that's her.

I can feel it. Yep, okay.

What do I do? What do I do?

‐ Answer it. Be cool.

‐ Okay, yeah. I can do that.

[exhales]

Let me just kinda‐‐hmm, okay.

[cell phone buzzing]

Just gonna‐‐

[clearing throat continuously]

[cell phone buzzing]

[clears throat]

‐ Tom. ‐ Yeah, I got it.

[clears throat]

‐ Tom Hayworth, we meet at last.

‐ Hey, Amanda, how's it hanging?

Going‐‐how‐‐how you going?

How's it going with you? [chuckles nervously]

But, seriously, how are you doing?

‐ [laughs] So anyway,

we are having the best time in Yosemite

until we're out on this hike, and the kids find

this dang stick that your grandmother

and I called "Stevie Sticks." ‐ Mm‐hmm.

[both laughing]

‐ Fleetwood Mac? Anybody?

‐ Fleetwood Mac?

Oh, yeah, no, it's old.

‐ Anyway, your mom and dads fought so much over this stick

that we locked them in the cabin

and spent some peace and quiet out on the deck.

‐ So just like today.

‐ Yeah! ‐ That's right.

‐ Isn't that something?

‐ I just wanted to say again how nice it is

to have the opportunity to be able to speak with you,

and just the fact that you called back so quickly

is the cherry on top of a sundae that is‐‐

I'm sorry. What was the question?

‐ How are you? ‐ Oh, uh, good.

Well. I'm well. How are you?

‐ Great. Let's talk about your book.

‐ I can change the whole thing. [chuckles nervously]

‐ I love it. ‐ Oh!

'Kay, okay. Wow.

‐ Yeah, the whole rich, middle, poor thing.

Ugh, it's very "now."

‐ I wouldn't say we're poor.

‐ And I love "The Normals."

Never have two women needed each other more.

They are a great pair. I see a spin‐off.

But I do have some thoughts on the characters.

‐ Coolio.

‐ Uh, this Sarah, she's‐‐

how do I say this?

Unlikable.

She's so angry and shouty,

and people, they don't want to be angry all the time.

I can't sell angry.

Does she have to be so political?

‐ What is wrong with political?

‐ Why don't we just make her a fun lesbian?

Like Rosie O'Donnell in the '90s?

‐ Huh, why‐‐I hadn't thought about that.

‐ Oh, let me get ahead of you.

It's not offensive. I'm bi.

I like mostly everyone, which is a "me" problem.

But, Connor, he comes off a little bit like a‐‐

‐ Doofus? ‐ A dummy.

‐ I was gonna say dummy.

‐ Yeah, how did he get all his money?

I'm just not buying it.

How about you make him a villain?

Like, an evil genius,

like a Bernie Madoff type?

He steals money from Tom and Sarah.

Ooh, you could give him

a little nasty little kink, you know?

We could market to the "Fifty Shades" crowd.

‐ Ah, well, I mean, you're the expert.

‐ Okay, make those changes, and we might have a book here.

I can pull you right up to the top where you belong.

You in?

‐ [chuckles]

I can't.

‐ Was that a can or a can't?

What was it?

‐ The thing is, Amanda,

these characters that you're talking about...

I mean, I love them.

You say that Sarah is too angry,

but I see a woman who stands up so fiercely

for what she believes in.

And, yeah, she has a tendency to leave places

or be asked to leave places,

but that's just because she cares so much.

I wish I cared about anything

as much as Sarah cares about...

everything.

‐ I do care. ‐ And, yeah, I can see

where it looks like Connor lives his life

like Tom Hanks in "Big,"

but where you see that as immature and impulsive,

I see his childlike optimism.

Connor believes anything is possible.

‐ I dream impossible dreams.

‐ And, yeah, your version might sell more copies,

but I want everyone to see their family in this‐‐

everything that's flawed,

and everything that's wonderful about them.

[warm music]

And if you're not okay with that, then...

you know what? I'm not the author for you.

‐ Okay, Tom!

‐ Ay, mi amor.

‐ Huh.

I thought with all the trouble you had with your last book,

you know, with it not selling,

you'd be a little bit more open for advice.

But, I mean, honestly, if you wanna‐‐

[phone clicks] ‐ Oh.

‐ I hung up on her. ‐ Oh, yeah, you did!

‐ Whoo! ‐ Whoo!

‐ Oh, my God. What did I do?

I hung up on her. ‐ Oh!

‐ You stormed out of the call!

I would have done the same thing.

‐ Very impulsive.

Way to be immature, Tom. I love that.

‐ But what do I do now?

‐ You finish the book. I want to see what happens.

‐ Are you sure? You guys are okay with that?

‐ Yeah, it's fine. No one reads anymore.

‐ At least there's some women in this one.

‐ So they're back together.

‐ Reunited, yeah.

[laughter]

I want what they have. ‐ I missed you.

‐ I have so many things to gossip about.

‐ Can we never let our spouses get between us again?

‐ Yes.

[both sighing]

‐ Oh, thank you.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Vino?

‐ Oh, thank you.

Well,

now that I have no agent,

guess I'm gonna need all the luck I can get.

I think it's time for me to take custody

of old "Charles Stickens" here.

‐ Tom‐‐ ‐ Okay.

‐ That's not funny, come on. [overlapping chatter]

‐ Tom had been scared of the wrong thing.

He was afraid that the book would tear his family apart.

But if the past few months had taught the Hayworths anything,

it was that they had a bond that was unbreakable.

Oh!

[all screaming] ‐ Oh!

‐ Oh! ‐ Oh!

‐ No! ‐ No!

[all groaning]

‐ Oh! ‐ Oh, no!

all: No, no, no, no, no, no!

‐ Oh, my God.

[door whooshes]

all: [chuckle nervously]

‐ Happy anniversary!

‐ Happy anniversary. ‐ Yeah!

‐ Yay! ‐ Yeah!

[door whooshes]

‐ Oh, wait‐‐ ‐ No, wait‐‐

‐ Okay, guys. This is a little exciting.

It's time for a dramatic reading

from an upcoming bestseller

that's very personal to all of us.

It's drawn from our very own family.

So without further ado, I give you,

"A Kill Too Far:

Book One of the Marshall Chronicles"

by Marshall Hayworth.

[cheers and applause] ‐ [whistling]

‐ Yeah! ‐ Grandpa!

‐ "Chapter one.

"Marshall Hayworth's hands were registered as lethal weapons.

"The only thing darker than his smoky eyes was his past.

There was a knock at the door." [cell phone buzzing]

‐ "In walked trouble,

perched on the prettiest pins he'd ever seen."

‐ That's me. [chuckles]

‐ Amanda? ‐ Listen, Tom.

I've been thinking about everything you said,

and it really resonated with me.

Made me think about my own family.

Ugh, they're a bunch of screwups, too.

‐ Well, I didn't exactly call them‐‐

‐ So if you're game, I would love

to take you on as a client.

Let's sell that book of yours.

‐ Really? ‐ Well, I guess you could say

I just have this soft spot for sibling stories.

Also, three of my clients just got canceled for racist tweets,

so I need to sell something.

But here's the thing.

I hang up on you. You don't hang up on me.

‐ Absolutely, understood.

‐ No, I need you to keep talking so I can hang up.

‐ Oh, okay, well, in that case,

let me just say it's a thrill‐‐

to‐‐are you‐‐hello?

You still‐‐okay.

[Lizzo's "Good as Hell"]

‐ "'Well, then, you've come to the right place,'

"replied Marshall, taking a pull off of the Scotch

he kept in his desk drawer, a snub‐nosed..."

‐ ♪ I do my hair toss, check my nails ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss, check my nails ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'? Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ ♪