All language subtitles for Home.Economics.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10

‐ Chapter Six.

With the Hayworths
living so near each other,

it was easy for the cousins

to spend quality time
together,

or at the very least,
time together.

‐ These are the moments
they'll treasure.

‐ Hey, guys.

There's a bear
in the apartment!

‐ Your plates are so shiny.

‐ [gasps]
I got them for Denise.

This artist that we love
upcycles artifacts of violence.

These used to be
tear gas canisters.

‐ Imagine my delight
Christmas morning.

‐ Hey, are you guys free
on Friday?

I'm throwing a birthday dinner
for Emily.

‐ Emily, your ex‐wife, Emily?

‐ No, the Emily
that threads my brows.

Yes, that Emily.

Now that she's fully
moved down here,

we gotta learn to get along,
you know?

‐ That's a very
healthy attitude,

considering you used to be
a little competitive.

‐ No, we were
a lot competitive.

‐ I'm never fully comfortable
around Emily.

She's like a beautiful
ice sculpture

that burns when you touch it.

‐ Yeah, I always got the sense
she didn't like me,

mostly 'cause she was always
very mean to me.

‐ I kind of miss Emily's
pushy, boss‐lady confidence

and how she's just
so unapologetic about her power

and‐‐but Team Connor.

‐ Is she bringing that guy
that she's been seeing?

‐ Who? Alec?

I don't know. She didn't say,
and I didn't ask.

But if he shows up,
that's totally fine.

You know, what, do you think
I'm, like, worried

that he's gonna
be more successful

and better looking than me
and, you know,

maybe have a house
owned by a different,

more famous celebrity?

Those aren't things
I think about.

‐ If you're inviting us
because you want our,

you know, emotional support,
of course we will be there.

‐ No, I'm inviting you because
I ordered too much shrimp.

‐ Hmm.

‐ Did someone say something
about a bear?

[upbeat music]

‐ ♪ You got something else ♪

♪ You're different ♪

♪ Pique my interest,
wait a minute ♪

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Classic Emily.

A dinner in her honor,
and she's not even here yet.

‐ It's called
being fashionably late.

‐ Okay, just admit it.
You have a crush on her.

‐ I do not.

She just makes me think of

what my life would be like
if I had that kind of‐‐

‐ Obscene family wealth?

Globetrotting career?

‐ Perfect teeth?

The kind of body
you can only get

with a $500 a week
private trainer?

‐ I was gonna say bravado,
but, yeah, all that stuff too.

‐ Actually, the teeth
are veneers,

and Grant charges $750.

What?
[overlapping chatter]

‐ Just kinda, like,
crept up on us.

‐ Oh, my gosh.
I missed you!

‐ I missed you. Hi.

Yeah.
‐ Okay.

Okay.
‐ You look so great.

Better than great.
[laughs]

Like the moon.

‐ Sorry that we're late.

It's just, you know,
my last day

with Gretchen this week,
so we wanted

to make it count, right?

‐ Yeah, and then Mommy let me
have ice cream for dinner!

‐ Well, it was frozen yogurt
with fruit on top.

‐ No, it was gummy worms.

‐ Ooh, don't let this one
ever talk

to the Securities and Exchange
Commission, right?

‐ [laughs]
‐ Gretchen,

go find Lupe and tell her

that you're ready
for bed, okay?

‐ Okay.
‐ Okay.

So obviously,
this is super weird,

but I still consider
you guys family,

and I'm sorry for making things
so, you know, ugh.

‐ Look, if it's cool
with Connor, it's cool with us.

‐ Oh, Tom. You're here.

‐ I've been here
the whole time.

‐ If you say so, right?

[laughter]

‐ Hey! Happy birthday!

‐ Hi. So‐‐yeah‐‐

Oh, okay.
Mm, thank you.

‐ A lot of people
are excited to see you.

You wanna do a lap?

‐ Yeah. Let's catch up,

after I catch up
with an Aperol spritz, mm?

‐ I will not move
from the spot.

‐ Okay. You have to calm down.
‐ Okay.

‐ You first, I insist.

‐ No, you go first.
‐ My liege.

‐ Okay.
[laughs]

‐ They are handling it well.

‐ You know, with Emily
seeing someone,

probably won't be long
before Connor starts dating.

‐ Mm.
‐ Us Hayworth men

don't stay off the market
for long.

‐ [coughs]

"Us Hayworth men"?

‐ For your information,
I was very popular

with the ladies in college.

‐ College
was a long time ago.

You just picked up
an appetizer and said,

"Who's ready to pâté?"

[both laugh]

‐ It's actually a solid joke.

‐ Sorry, mi amor,
your game is gone.

‐ I could talk
to any lady that I want

at this party right now.

‐ Oh, sweetie,

you wouldn't last five minutes.

‐ Is that a challenge?
Okay. Game on.

Allow me to show you
how smooth I can be.

[crashing]
‐ Oh.

Okay. Bit of a rocky start.

‐ Just‐‐sorry, um...

‐ Did you go with the satin
or silk pillowcase for Emily?

‐ Actually, I went
a different way.

I got her "An Oral History of
the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire."

It's a book
from a used bookstore.

‐ You got a woman who owns
a Prada toothbrush

a pre‐owned book about people
who died in a sweatshop?

‐ No, I saved a tree

while sharing an important
moment in U. S. labor history.

What? I would love this
if someone gave it to me.

‐ Of course
you would love this

because you enjoy this stuff.

‐ I feel like you
are not saying something.

‐ Okay.

For my last birthday,
I strongly hinted

that I wanted bath bombs

by telling you,
"I want bath bombs,"

and instead, you got me‐‐

‐ That adorable bralette
made of natural fibers.

‐ It was a burlap bralette
that was very itchy.

I'm just concerned
it's gonna be an awkward moment

where Emily's opening up
your sweatshop book

in front of
all her fancy friends.

‐ Opening gifts at the party?
What, is she five?

‐ Well, maybe she's just

unencumbered
by social norms and...

Sorry.

Team Connor!
[laughs]

‐ Okay.

Hey, guys.

What did you get Emily
for her birthday?

‐ Oh, a bottle of perfume.

‐ Yeah, we know it's her
favorite 'cause one time

she sprayed it in my face when
she thought I was a mugger.

It was pretty clear it was me.

I mean, it was
in broad daylight.

‐ Denise thinks that Emily
is going to hate my gift,

but you guys always like
what I get you, right?

‐ Oh, my God. Yeah. Totally.
‐ Mm.

‐ What kind of gifts
has Sarah given you

over the years
that you just love so much?

‐ Yeah.

‐ Specifically?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Hmm...
‐ So many.

‐ Yeah, it's hard
to choose just one.

‐ You can pick as many
as you want.

‐ Thanks, Denise.

I would say
the charcoal deodorant

definitely worked
and did not give me a rash.

‐ Yes. Tempeh cookbook.

‐ "Tempeh to Z," a classic.

‐ She loved it.
‐ Oh, good.

So, if pressed, would you say

that my gift giving
is, I don't know...

‐ You...unique.
‐ You.

‐ Oh, I was‐‐
both: Unique.

‐ Oh, that's so nice.

‐ Excuse us for a second.

Tom is on a mission.
‐ Oh.

‐ So we're just gonna go
over here.

‐ Okay, I'm gonna go
ask Connor.

‐ Sure.
Let's keep digging this hole.

‐ Target acquired,
J. A. R. V. I. S.

J.A.R.V.I.S.,
Iron Man's operating system.

‐ You should definitely talk
to her about Iron Man

and all that cool stuff
in the comics

that was left out
of the movies.

She'll probably
throw her underwear at you.

‐ Hey. I'm Tom.
I'm Connor's brother.

‐ Oh, hi. I'm Linda.

Emily and I were
sorority sisters.

Tri‐Delts!

‐ Oh!
[both laugh]

I always kind of wanted
to pledge myself, but‐‐

‐ You don't look like you
do well with hazings.

‐ No, you'd be surprised.
[both laugh]

What do you do for a living?
‐ I'm in real estate.

‐ Okay. That must be great
in the San Francisco market.

‐ It is, but I'm actually
looking to expand

further outside the city.

‐ Oh, okay.

It's "farther."

‐ I'm sorry, what?

‐ It was just, uh,
you said "further."

I think you meant "farther."
It's a common mistake.

Farther
is for physical distance.

But it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

You were saying
you're in real estate.

‐ If you'll excuse me,
I need to get

a little farther away from you.

‐ Okay.
It's a sick burn.

Ah. So close to five minutes.

‐ You made it‐‐
56, 57, 58 seconds.

‐ Look, I'm just
getting started, okay.

Hold my drink.
‐ Oh.

‐ I'm going back in.

‐ Okay.

‐ Actually, give that to me.

I don't know what to do
with my hands.

[soft rock music playing]

‐ So I was looking around,

and I didn't see
those Tibetan sound bowls...

the ones I got you
last Christmas.

‐ Oh, yeah.
No, I never opened those.

‐ But it was a gift.

‐ Yeah, you suck at gifts.
You didn't know that?

‐ I've been trying
to get her there.

‐ After you got me that novel
about that girl in Peru

who gets cancer...
‐ "Fernanda's Miracle."

‐ And that bracelet
made by genius women...

‐ Indigenous women,
and it was an anklet.

‐ I just started tossing
your gifts in the closet

without unwrapping 'em.

You never got me a puppy,
did you?

Think we're running low
on shrimp?

I bet we are, oh.

Good on shrimp?

‐ Okay.
So I'm a bad gift giver.

‐ Yes.
‐ Yes.

So Emily's gonna start
opening gifts soon.

I need to swap mine out.

Should I re‐gift
something of Connor's?

‐ Oh, well, that is exactly

what a go‐getter
like Emily would think.

‐ You need to stop.

‐ Hey.
‐ Hey.

‐ Thank you for throwing this.
‐ Oh, yeah, of course.

‐ I don't wanna brag,
but are we kind of, like,

killing this whole divorce
thing, like, best exes ever?

‐ Right, living our best lives,
thriving.

‐ Moving on, dating.

‐ Uh‐huh.
‐ I mean, I‐‐

I am dating.
‐ Right.

‐ Are you?

‐ No, not yet.

You know, I've mostly
just been focusing on, like,

work and Gretchen, leg day.
‐ Right.

‐ But it's cool, you know.

I'd actually love to meet,
um...

‐ Oh, Alec.
‐ Alec, right.

‐ You know,
I was gonna invite him,

but then I figured,
you know, it's, like,

just too soon for that.

‐ What? No. No. It's cool.

‐ Oh, yeah.
You sound cool about it.

‐ No, I mean,
the night's young.

Why don't you tell him to‐‐

tell him to cruise?

‐ You don't want that.
‐ No, seriously. Text him.

‐ Okay. If you insist.

Consider him texted.

‐ Cool.
[both chuckle]

You want to meet him,
right, Lupe?

‐ Nope.

‐ Cool.

‐ ♪ Ooh, bop ♪

‐ The thing they don't tell you
about Model U. N.

is how cutthroat it is.

‐ Oh, sorry.
I have to take this.

‐ ♪ No, you're never
gonna get it ♪

‐ For 40 years, Magneto
is Scarlet Witch's father

and then suddenly, retcon!

What?
[chuckles]

See, for me, escape rooms
aren't about the puzzle, right?

It's about building a world.

‐ Nope.
‐ Lupe, please.

‐ ♪ No, you're never
gonna get it ♪

‐ Tom's pride needs
some alcohol.

‐ This crowd is not
sophisticated enough

for my space camp anecdotes.

Of course you don't
"go to space."

I mean, space camp
is to prepare you for space.

‐ [laughing]
Yeah, yeah.

So I‐‐I told Emily
to invite Alec,

and now my brain kinda
feels like

it's having a heart attack.

‐ Alec, the new boyfriend?

‐ No, Alec Baldwin,
the voice of Boss Baby.

Wh‐‐

‐ You said you were okay
with him coming over?

‐ Wow, congratulations, Denise.

You caught me in a lie.
‐ Connor...

‐ I know I made you guys think
that I'm, like,

totally fine right now...
‐ I never thought that.

‐ But I am not totally fine,
okay?

I don't want Alec to come here,

but I can't tell Emily that
and show weakness.

So, what, I'm just supposed
to let this Alec guy show up

at my house that I own
and walk around

like he's so great
and I'm just some loser?

[groans]

I'm all in my head, man.

Is this what it feels like
to be you, Tom?

‐ Pretty much, yeah.
‐ Oh, I hate it.

‐ Yeah, it's not great.
‐ [grunts]

[upbeat music]

‐ I got it.

So Alec can't come to the party

if there's no party, right?

So what if I tell everyone
the shrimp is bad

and they gotta go home
and brace for impact?

Tom, you can fake diarrhea,
right?

‐ How would I fake diarrhea?

‐ That's a good point.

It's gotta be the real thing.

That's on you, man.
‐ What?

‐ Okay. I'll try.

If you're not ready
to meet this Alec guy,

that is totally understandable.

Okay, just tell Emily that.

It is not a sign of weakness.

‐ You want me to admit

that I can't handle meeting
her new boyfriend

because this divorce
has sucked me

into a black hole
of my own emotions?

‐ A black hole
isn't actually a hole.

It's compressed star matter‐‐

I hear it.
I hear myself now. Sorry.

‐ Fine.
I'll tell her the truth.

I'll admit I don't want
her boyfriend to come.

♪ ♪

Hey, Em.
Um, so speaking of Alec‐‐

‐ You know, he's gonna
love your place.

He's a huge Matt Damon fan.

He has "Adjustment Bureau"
on Blu‐ray.

‐ Hmm, I mean,
that's lesser Damon,

but anyways,
I was thinking maybe...

he shouldn't come.

‐ Okay, because, like,
having him here

is gonna make you feel awkward?

‐ What? No.
I just‐‐it's getting late,

and I don't want him to,
you know,

show up when
the party's winding down.

‐ Okay. You know,
he's gonna make you awkward.

So I'm just gonna let him know
not to come.

‐ I'm not awkward.
You're awkward.

‐ Okay.
‐ And I changed my mind.

I want him here.

Hey, everybody!

A few minutes ago, I invited

Emily's new boyfriend, Alec,
to the party.

‐ What is he doing?
‐ Crashing and burning.

‐ So now that everyone
knows that,

can't back out of it.

It's a done deal.

So that's just great, isn't it?

Anyways,
there's tons of shrimp.

Please eat the shrimp.
Okay.

‐ Cool.

‐ I'm gonna
have to go this way.

There's nothing over there.

♪ ♪

‐ Any women left to scare away?
‐ Okay.

I'd like to see you try
and talk

to one of these people
for five minutes.

‐ [scoffs]
Easy, peasy.

I might be a little older,
have a few more miles on me,

but I could still go all night.

‐ Oh, okay.

Uh, how about this guy?

‐ Okay.

Hold this.
‐ All right.

‐ I know what to do
with my hands.

‐ [chuckles]

‐ Oh, that‐‐no, never mind.
Thanks.

[chuckles]
I'm Marina.

Are you friends with
the ex‐bride or the ex‐groom?

‐ I'm Max, and I'm
kind of ex‐friends with both.

‐ Sounds like there's
a backstory there,

a good five minutes at least.

‐ No. I'm kidding.
I'm friends with both of them.

‐ Yeah, it's never good
to take sides with the exes.

Oh, I'm about to sneeze.
Sorry.

I just‐‐after
having three kids,

I don't have the best‐‐
[chuckles]

The best bladder control.

‐ Okay.
‐ Oh.

Whew. Okay, false alarm.

You were saying?
‐ You know, I should say hi

to a friend over there.
‐ Right.

Was it the three kids part
or the bladder thing?

A bit of both? Okay.

Nice meeting you.

That was just a warm‐up.
‐ Okay.

‐ ♪ Ooh, bop ♪

‐ I go to concerts
all the time.

The last one I saw was‐‐

well, it was "The Wiggles,"
but before that‐‐

huh, it was also "The Wiggles."

They're actually kinda good.
‐ Sorry.

I have to take this.

[both laughing]
‐ I know.

Oh, Sorry. For a second there
I thought I was leaking.

I'm wearing a real bra
for once,

and I didn't put
the nursing pads in it.

And sometimes you look down
and it's, like,

ah, wet t‐shirt contest.

And I see
I've tanked this one too.

Moving on.

‐ ♪ Bop ♪

‐ You think Emily would want
a partially used candle

or some lightly worn
Nike Air Maxes?

‐ Oh, here it is,

your gift graveyard.
‐ [gasps]

Oh, my God.
These are all mine.

Ah! Oh, this was
a "Topple the Patriarchy" mug,

and a build‐your‐own
composting kit?

I'm sorry, but these presents
are fantastic.

‐ Yeah.

‐ I'm gonna keep them.
‐ They'd be happier with you.

‐ Yeah.

♪ ♪

‐ So...feel like making
another run at it, or...

Yeah, me neither.

‐ This used to be
so easy for me.

It's like ever since
I've had kids,

I've forgotten how to be
around grown‐ups.

‐ Oh, come on.

It's not that bad.

‐ [sneezes]

♪ ♪

Ah. Just got worse.

‐ Oh.

♪ ♪

‐ Oh, my God.
Linda, silk pillowcase!

You know, I've been dying
for one of these,

but it's the kind of thing

that I would never get
for myself.

Okay.

‐ Oh, here it comes.

‐ Don't worry.
I took care of it.

‐ Took care of it?
Who are you, Ray Donovan?

‐ From Tom and Marina.
‐ Uh‐‐

‐ Let's see,
"The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire,

An Oral History."
Okay.

‐ That's not‐‐we didn't‐‐
‐ And it's used.

Message received, Tom.
Moving on.

‐ Did you switch the cards?
‐ All right.

From Sarah and Denise.

How did you know
this is my signature scent?

‐ I just knew.
‐ No, that was‐‐

‐ Oh, my God, enough, Tom.
All right, so just

write this down,
Sarah and Denise.

‐ I cannot believe
you did that.

That was positively
Emily‐esque.

Way to own your power.

‐ I'm still tingling.
[both chuckling]

‐ [clears throat]
‐ [whispers] Sorry.

♪ ♪

‐ So where is this guy?

How long am I supposed to wait?

‐ Okay, look, Connor,
I could tell

that you didn't want Alec
to come,

so I just told him not to.

‐ What? I made it pretty clear
that I want him to come.

Did you not hear
my big announcement?

‐ See, yeah, that's kinda
what did it for me.

‐ Oh, I see
what's going on here.

You would feel awkward.

That's why you don't
want him to come.

‐ Uh, no.
‐ You're afraid.

‐ I'm not afraid.
You're afraid.

‐ You know what?

If you're gonna be all weird
about this Alec situation,

maybe I should
just call this party off.

‐ No, you can't
just take my cake away.

‐ Yeah, I can.

What, is there some
kind of birthday cake law?

‐ Yeah, actually, there is.

‐ I'm the host, okay?

Until you blow out the candles,
this is host cake.

‐ It has my name on it!

‐ Oh, yeah?

‐ Oh, my gosh!
You ruined my cake!

‐ Why don't you get Alec
to buy you a new one?

‐ Because there is no Alec!

[all gasping]

Oh, my God.
Look what you did.

‐ What's going on?

‐ Oh, hey. sweetie.
‐ Hi.

we were just, you know,
playing around.

‐ Oh, yeah, just having fun.
[laughs]

‐ Yeah.
‐ Yeah, oh.

‐ Yeah, I thought you guys
were, like,

fighting or something.

‐ No, no.
‐ Oh, no, no, no, baby girl.

‐ I had a nightmare.
Do you think you could

check under my bed
for bat monsters?

‐ Yeah, of course,
but I promise you,

there's nothing there.

‐ But if there is,
you know Mommy and Daddy

will take it down fast, right?

‐ That's true.

Let's go.
‐ Let's go check it out.

‐ [sighs]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

‐ So how do you know Emily?

♪ ♪

‐ What?
‐ Or are you friends

with Connor?
‐ What are you doing?

‐ Hi, I'm Tom.

I'm a novelist.

You probably haven't read
any of my work.

‐ I'm Marina.
‐ Oh, Marina.

What a beautiful name.

‐ I'm, um...
I'm a stay‐at‐home mom.

Former lawyer.

And I'm thinking of eating
this floor cake.

‐ Well, not to brag,
but one time,

I ate a dinosaur chicken nugget

that I peeled off
my toddler's foot.

‐ [gasps]
Oh, so you have kids?

‐ Oh, way too many.

‐ [laughs]

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪

‐ You do realize Gretchen

just tricked us into
reading her five books?

‐ I mean, your unicorn voice
was pretty on point.

‐ Oh, that's kind
of you to say.

‐ [giggles]
‐ What about you?

You became that magical tree.

‐ The forest is full
of wonder.

‐ [laughs]

So why'd you lie?

‐ I wanted you to think
that I was

handling this whole divorce
thing better than you.

I mean, you're doing so well.

Every time I call,

I can hear your family
in the background

talking and laughing,
making fun of Tom.

And Gretchen just
goes on and on about, like,

how happy she is
with her cousins,

and I just, you know,

wanted you to think
I'm doing okay too.

I don't know if you've heard,
but I'm kind of

the most competitive person
in the world.

‐ Mm, I‐‐I don't know.
I think I am.

‐ No, I am.
‐ No, I think I am.

‐ Mm‐mm. Well, you were willing
to throw this party for me.

So I guess, you know, you win.

‐ Emily, I only
threw this party

to convince you I'm doing okay.

Tom would call that irony.

‐ Oh, God. He's so exhausting.

‐ Oh, I know, but trust me,

I'm still struggling
with this whole thing.

I'm a mess.
‐ Aww.

That's nice to hear.
‐ Oh, yeah?

‐ Yeah.
‐ [chuckles] It is?

‐ So what do we do now?

‐ Get back down there
and salvage some cake.

‐ No, I mean, with us?

‐ I guess we just keep trying
to get better at this.

We have to for Gretchen.

‐ For Gretchen. Yeah.

♪ ♪

‐ I like leaving someone else's
birthday with presents.

Oh, and one of these
is for you.

‐ A bath bomb!
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Thank you.
‐ Yeah.

‐ Did you...
‐ Steal it from Connor? Yeah.

‐ Yeah, I'm gonna
take this too.

Go, go, go, go, go!

‐ Oh, man. I should have
taken the orchid.

[man singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

‐ [speaking Spanish]

♪ ♪