Original subtitles

‐ Chapter five‐‐ like all families,

the Hayworths shared their trials and tribulations.

Sarah was still looking for a full‐time job,

but she'd recently gotten some freelance work.

Of course, her brothers were nothing

but thrilled and supportive.

‐ Please stop laughing.

‐ I'm sorry. It's‐‐it's kind of funny.

‐ That's, like, 100% a real job?

‐ Yes! Okay?

I am helping people get their pets certified

as emotional support animals.

‐ So let's just say, I want to bring a racoon to Six Flags.

You have the power to make that happen?

‐ [laughs]

‐ Okay, it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life,

but it's a paycheck,

and Denise has been paying for everything

the past couple months, so...

‐ Last time I flew commercial,

I sat right next to a giant tortoise.

‐ Okay, what did I miss?

Actually, I don't care. Thanks.

‐ Guys, Kelvin would like the floor.

For school, he has to do a report on a family member

whose job he admires,

and he's figuring out who to pick.

‐ Oh.

‐ Oh, well. That can be a tough decision,

but I guess if you want to learn

from a "New York Times" best‐selling author‐‐

‐ I choose Uncle Connor. ‐ What now?

‐ My guy. [grunts]

Uncle Connor for the win.

I will not let you down!

‐ Okay, sweetie.

Um, did you consider anybody else?

‐ Nope.

I may not know what Uncle Connor actually does...

‐ That's fine. It's not clear.

‐ But he definitely has the coolest job.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Look at this place!

‐ Look at the place.

‐ Well, you know, Kelvin, in ancient times,

they used to consider a writer kind of the first cool job.

‐ Please stop before you use the word "scribe."

‐ Kel, you know you can come to work with me or Lupe

or even Uncle Tommy.

‐ I was the last option? ‐ Ah, hi.

Sarah and I didn't even make the list.

You know, what I do at home is actually harder

than what I did at the law firm,

but because I don't make any dinero,

it's not considered a job.

‐ Actually, I did just get a job.

Yeah, it's a mildly unethical one, but still...

‐ Oh, is unethical, like,

a disqualifier for this school‐project thing?

‐ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

‐ Twins finally go to sleep? ‐ Yeah.

I just started telling them about what I did for a living.

Put them right out.

‐ Still mad Kelvin didn't pick you?

‐ Nah, no, look.

Sweetie, you see, being a novelist

isn't just cool.

It's lit...erature.

Literature. We'll workshop that.

And, yeah, I guess I'm a little over‐sensitive about work.

I've been stuck on the same stupid chapter for weeks.

‐ Honey, you've had writer's block before.

You always get through it,

but if you aren't working anyway,

could you watch the twins tomorrow

so I can run some errands?

‐ Actually, they say with writer's block,

the best thing to do is to kind of stay on task.

‐ Honey, I don't need to know your whole process.

Can you help out or not?

‐ Yeah, yeah. No, yeah.

[children screaming and crying]

‐ Great, thank you. ‐ I can‐‐yeah.

Your mom seemed a little annoyed, huh?

‐ She was just cooking dinner while folding laundry,

and then she had to ask you for help.

‐ Oh.

‐ And now she's changing two diapers.

‐ You know what? You're right, you're right.

Mom does so much around here.

I got to start helping out more.

Honey, with puzzles,

if you start with the corner pieces,

it makes it a lot easier‐‐ ‐ Dad!

‐ Okay, I'm helping. I'm helping, okay.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

‐ Hey.

‐ Hey!

One sec.

‐ Okay, okay, just come here, just real quick.

Mmm.

‐ Yep. Okay.

‐ Time to let go, Sarah.

‐ Just one more minute. I'm not ready.

‐ Sarah.

‐ Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

‐ I know Connor may not be the best mentor for Kelvin,

but I'm picking him up at 4:30.

How much damage can he do?

Okay, 4:15.

‐ Okay, hey, buddy,

no matter what your uncle says, money is not the solution.

It's the problem.

Remember who you are.

‐ Okay.

‐ All right!

Get to hang out at my home office on a school day?

This is gonna rule ass.

Sorry. Rule butt.

Hey, Kel, there's some green juice in the kitchen.

You want to go knock back some anti‐oxies?

‐ Yeah, I do. ‐ Go knock them back, bud.

[chuckles]

‐ [sighs] ‐ What?

‐ Just please don't send my son home saying,

"Crushed it, bro."

‐ Okay, first off,

they're saying "bruh" now.

Second, what the hell, bruh?

Been super rude ever since Kelvin decided

he wanted to be just like me.

‐ Okay, I don't know where you got that.

That's not at all what he said, so...

‐ Sarah, Connor's generously sharing his time today.

‐ And my disciplined approach to market risk informed

by levelheaded financial analysis.

I'm not gonna corrupt your son.

‐ So you just got a giant see‐through house

with ocean views by never doing anything shady?

‐ [laughs] That's a bay, genius!

We don't live in "the Ocean Area"!

‐ Now we're yelling. ‐ And you want to talk shady?

You're the one helping cat ladies cheat the system!

‐ Some of them are legitimately scared to dine alone.

‐ Are they? ‐ Some of them are!

‐ Okay, and now we're calming down.

Smell the flowers. Cool the soup.

‐ What are you doing? ‐ This is a breathing technique

I use on my second‐graders when they tantrum.

[both breathing deeply] ‐ Okay, there it is.

All right, it's time to go, Lulu.

‐ Okay, have fun exploiting the masses and raping the planet.

‐ Have a great day illegally prescribing Shar Peis!

‐ I'll pick him up by myself.

‐ Okay, mi'jita. Let's go, school!

Hey, thanks for taking the boys.

‐ Ah, no problem. Hey, you look good today.

‐ How do I usually look? ‐ Uh, no, no.

I'm just saying it's been a long time since I've seen you

with jewelry that you didn't find in a Happy Meal.

Hey, I did the laundry, even though you didn't ask me.

‐ Camila, honey?

Could you draw your daddy a gold medal?

‐ [laughs] Ha, ha, I deserve that.

But I just want you to know,

I'm gonna start stepping it up around here.

In fact, this is a list of everything

that I am gonna take off your plate today.

I guess I could start by crossing off "do laundry."

‐ Impressive!

So you also did the four loads in the babies' hamper?

‐ I wanted to save that for later.

You know, give myself a little treat?

‐ Okay, have a good day. Te quiero. Camila, vámonos!

‐ Love you! ‐ Love you.

‐ Oh.

You know, the period after Dad kind of seems like a choice.

‐ Andele, get in the car. I'll see you in there.

[sneaky music]

[line trilling]

Hi. I'm running a few minutes late.

Okay. Thank you so much.

‐ Hey!

Do I use "permanent press" on the twins' laundry?

Also, what is "permanent press"?

You know what? I'm gonna figure it out myself.

So no problem.

♪ ♪

‐ So what I do, Kelvin,

is a little thing I like to call private equity.

Basically, I take money from my company,

put it into other companies to eventually make more money.

I also do a bit of, uh, venture cap,

bit of day trading‐‐ got it?

‐ I definitely got the part about more money.

‐ That's all you need to know.

‐ Then why's the diagram so complicated?

‐ Because, Kelvin... scented markers.

Yeah. The brown one's root beer.

‐ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a boss now ♪

♪ It's in the way I walk ♪ ‐ ♪ The way I walk ♪

‐ ♪ I'm a boss now ♪

♪ It's in the way I talk ♪ ‐ ♪ The way I talk ♪

♪ I'm a boss now, dropping 50 grand, hey ♪

♪ I'm a boss now, bottles in my hand ♪

♪ Put another dub up in the record book ♪

♪ Bottom shook ♪

♪ Freshest in the business, ooh, they got to look ♪

♪ Celebrating every day just because we getting paid ♪

♪ Turning up and misbehave, go and get it, don't hesitate ♪

‐ Come on, you got to work with me here a little bit, man.

Yeah, we can live with that.

[cell phone beeps]

Pizza's gonna be here in 20 minutes.

‐ ♪ Told them all about the new name ♪

‐ Whoo!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

‐ These people need help, you're gonna help them.

Hello, I'm Sarah.

Hello, I'm Sarah.

Hi, I'm Sarah. How are you today?

‐ I guess I'm not too great.

I have terrible anxiety.

So how often would you say

that you suffer from your anxiety?

‐ I guess whenever I don't have DeeDee by my side.

‐ [chirps]

‐ Oh. Oh, DeeDee is a parrot.

‐ DeeDee is a cockatiel. [bird screeches]

Are you even a therapist?

‐ [whispering] It doesn't always feel like it.

[smooth music]

‐ Marina, you made it!

‐ Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.

[cell phone chimes] Oh.

[chuckles]

This will just be one moment.

Husband problems, you know what I mean?

‐ My husband died two years ago.

‐ I remembered that just as I said it.

♪ ♪

‐ Perfect.

Boys, we got work to do. Hands in the middle.

[baby cooing]

Come on, be a team player.

Okay, one's good enough for me. And go!

[Salt‐N‐Pepa's "Whatta Man"]

[grunts]

One, two.

Yeah. [laughs]

♪ What a mighty good man, gotta say it again now ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ He's a mighty, mighty good man ♪

♪ So here's to the future ♪

♪ 'Cause we got through the past ♪

♪ I finally found somebody that can make me laugh ♪

‐ Yeah.

‐ [laughs] ♪ You so crazy ♪

♪ I think I wanna have your baby ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

‐ Move Connor's divorce back a chapter.

End that section with Tom asking for the loan.

I know.

Why didn't I think about that sooner?

[both gurgling]

Bon appétit!

‐ ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

‐ So will one of these certificates

cover multiple cats? ‐ Uh, no.

You need one certificate for each animal.

How‐‐how many certificates do you need?

‐ I would‐‐

I would have to count them.

I'll call you back. It's gonna be a while.

‐ Okay.

[sighing] Oh, my God.

[cell phone ringing]

Hi, Lulu.

‐ Hey, Lulu. How's work?

‐ Well, I learned a lot about iguanas.

And I made $62

after taxes. [door closes]

‐ Ooh, yes! Bring home the bacon.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Well, soy bacon for us.

I picked up Shamiah, and now we are at Connor's house.

‐ Ah, great. Bring Kelvin home

before he ends up in a white‐collar prison.

‐ Well, at least he'll have his own room there.

‐ [chuckles] Okay, bye. ‐ Okay, bye.

Kel? Kel!

‐ Shh, Mom!

‐ No, Jerry, we had a verbal contract in place,

and now you're getting scared on me.

‐ We're trying to buy 40% of a tree care company,

but the owner wants to weasel out.

‐ Do not make me the bad guy.

I swear to God, Jerry.

That's funny, Jerry!

‐ I don't know what you learned here today,

but that is not how we talk to people.

‐ What are you talking about? He's got Jerry by the plugs!

‐ No. ‐ What?

‐ Oh. God!

He went down to 20.

Slippery bastard! Hey, Denise.

‐ Hey, everything okay? ‐ No.

I've tried everything with this guy‐‐screaming,

yelling, shouting, I even raised my voice.

‐ Ooh, yeah, I get it.

I work with seven‐year‐olds all day.

You know what would work better than getting loud?

‐ [sighs] What?

‐ That is a really nice shirt on you‐‐very flattering.

‐ Thanks, I just got it. ‐ Oh, it looks good, yeah.

Can I borrow your car next week?

‐ Of course, yeah.

Oh, being nice, yes! ‐ Yeah.

‐ You want me to try that with Jerry?

‐ No, I don't. ‐ Hey, Jer, real quick‐‐

I'm gonna put my operating partner on the phone, okay?

‐ I've never really‐‐I don't‐‐ all: Mom, talk to Jerry!

‐ Hi, Jerry. This is Denise.

Sorry about my partner.

Uh, he's just so passionate about tree‐care equipment, yes.

And I can tell you're still upset.

Okay, let's do some breathing, Jerry, okay?

Smell the bread. [inhales deeply]

Blow the bubbles. [exhales deeply]

Good, Jerry. Good.

You know, I had an uncle named Jerry.

He was my favorite uncle.

He used to call me "Niece Denise."

‐ She doesn't have an Uncle Jerry.

‐ You know, Jer‐bear, I am on your side.

Clearly we both love the environment.

That's why we're in the tree game, right?

So tell me what I got to do to get you to sell us 30%?

60%. Oh, oh.

Oh, you'll go to 35 for Niece Denise?

Okay! I like hearing that.

And now all we have to do is...

ribbon dance.

Okay, it was good talking to you. Bye.

‐ What? [both laughing]

‐ Wow! ‐ Mom, that was amazing!

‐ You crushed it, bruh!

‐ Yeah! I crushed it, bruh!

Ooh, that was exhilarating!

Is that why people lie all the time?

‐ It's one of the reasons, yeah.

How'd you do that?

‐ Oh, well, you catch more flies with honey.

‐ Well, depending on how the next quarter goes for Jerry,

you might've just made me a lot of flies.

‐ Ooh! [laughs]

‐ You want to make some more? ‐ Yeah.

[cell phone buzzes]

‐ Hey, hon.

‐ Hey, sweetie. Errands ran long.

Do you think you could watch the boys a little longer

and pick Camila up from after‐care?

‐ Oh, yeah, come on, that's not gonna be a problem.

‐ Thank you. How was your day?

‐ Yeah, it was actually incredible.

Turning my brain off to do housework

and watch the kids actually got rid of my writer's block.

‐ Turning your brain off?

So what I do all day is brainless?

‐ No! No, no, no, no.

I'm saying I'm surprised how much I got done.

The house looks great. ‐ So I guess

you're more efficient and a better housekeeper.

‐ Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying.

‐ You know, all I can do is my best.

‐ You know, now that I'm looking around the house,

it's actually still a kind of a disaster.

I better go. Okay, bye.

[sighs] Okay, guys.

Now we got to make the house less clean.

I know, Daddy sounds crazy.

That's what marriage is sometimes.

‐ ♪ Ooh, what a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yeah, he's a mighty, mighty good man ♪

‐ I'll just redistribute an artful amount of dust.

[grunts]

[babies laughing]

Daddy didn't really think this one through, did he?

‐ ♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ I said what a mighty good man ♪

You know what I'm sayin'?

♪ He's a mighty, mighty good man ♪

Y'all...

‐ Okay, you're all set.

‐ Really? Oh, you're so nice.

I know a lot of people think this is all a bunch of hooey,

but if I couldn't take Giblet on the bus with me,

I don't think I'd be able to go to work.

‐ Oh.

‐ So thank you.

‐ Oh, you're so welcome.

‐ Unrelated, you can prescribe barbiturates, right?

‐ Nope! ‐ Uppers, downers?

Betties, Veronicas? ‐ Uh‐uh.

[cell phone rings] ‐ Hey, Lulu.

‐ Hey. Are you guys on your way home?

‐ Uh, we may go late here.

‐ We, go‐‐go late? [chuckles] What?

‐ Oh, I have another call. How you doing?

‐ Hi, Miss Sarah. ‐ Lupe?

‐ Connor needed Denise's help

with a Belgian crypto situation.

‐ Okay, wait. I'm sorry. Denise is helping Connor?

‐ Yes. Apparently she's crushing it.

‐ Lupe, I need more espresso!

Jean‐Pierre, I know you're Belgian,

but you need to quit waffling on me.

‐ Okay, the perfect amount of mess.

Well, maybe one noodle more.

[quirky music]

‐ What are you doing? ‐ Oh, boy.

‐ You're putting pasta on the wall?

‐ Uh, huh.

This is gonna sound crazy.

Well, you know what? Maybe you're gonna love this.

I don't know. Um, I got the house too clean.

I thought that might annoy you. Then I made it too dirty again.

I knew that would annoy you. Then I made it too clean again.

‐ Where's Camila?

♪ ♪

Did you forget to pick her up?

‐ No. [chuckles]

On the plus side, I didn't lose either of the twins,

so, you know...

‐ Great. [door opens, slams]

‐ Vivek, we've been through this.

Don't we trust each other by now?

‐ Yes, Denise.

You led the horse to the water, now drown him!

‐ What is going on? ‐ Shh!

‐ Leave while you still can.

‐ Oh, Vivek's line of credit is almost up.

He's leveraged up the you‐know‐what.

‐ Go in for the kill, Mom!

‐ I don't know what's happening!

‐ Okay, here's what we're gonna to do...

‐ Okay, enough. ‐ Oh, Lulu, don't‐‐

‐ Thank you, we're not interested in your blood money.

[cell phone beeps] ‐ No.

‐ Sarah, that was for a company

that gives micro‐loans to women‐owned businesses.

‐ Well, that's not the point. What the hell is going on?

‐ Well, I came to pick up Kelvin,

and Connor couldn't close with Jerry.

And then he put me on the phone with Jerry.

And I got Jerry up to 35%, which is crazy!

‐ It's crazy. ‐ Crazy, can you believe that?

‐ No! ‐ Mom!

It's almost 9:00 a. m. in Tokyo. The Nikkei's about to open!

‐ Nice, Kelvin.

‐ Connor, may I speak with you privately, please?

[line trilling]

Now, Connor!

‐ Konnichiwa. Yes, how are you?

‐ You know, I always thought Denise was a little soft,

but now...

she's like the sister I always wanted.

You know what I mean.

‐ Denise is soft. What did you do to them?

‐ Weren't you just saying you feel bad

because Denise is the only one who's paying for anything?

Well, Shamiah just made 90 bucks shorting

a Dutch biotech concern.

‐ I knew that you were gonna corrupt Kelvin,

but now you went and corrupted my whole family.

‐ Corrupt? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Oh.

Okay, I see, you think what I do

for a living has nothing to do with you.

‐ I should hope not.

‐ Well, let me tell you something, Sarah.

When I invest in a company like, say,

a mid‐sized tree‐care company,

that lowers the cost per unit of their equipment.

Those savings get filtered all the way down

from the manufacturer to the consumer.

And Americans, with a little more money in the bank,

are far more likely to vote to fund social services,

services like your old job‐‐

the one where you got to help all those kids who needed it.

Yeah.

‐ Are you trying to do the cerulean blue speech

from "Devil Wears Prada"?

‐ I thought I could slip that one by you.

It's a great movie, though, huh?

‐ It's a great movie. I've seen it 5,000 times.

‐ I mean, there's actors, and then there's, like‐‐

‐ Meryl. ‐ Meryl.

‐ I mean, come on. ‐ Sarah.

‐ [sighs]

[keys clacking]

‐ Is he doing his homework?

Hey, Kel, you're already working on your report?

I thought you usually wait till the last minute on that stuff.

‐ Uncle Connor taught me

about the importance of determination and discipline.

‐ [chuckles] That's great, buddy!

‐ He called them those sweet double Ds.

‐ Okay.

‐ I don't think I said it like that.

‐ Lulu, I'm sorry I got so carried away.

It was just such a rush

compared to teaching second graders.

I mean, it's not every day you make $85,000

in one phone call. ‐ You‐‐what?

‐ I lost it five minutes later, but it was so much fun.

‐ You know what? It's actually okay.

It's kind of nice to being the level‐headed one for once.

‐ Oh, yes, look at you!

‐ Look at me! It probably won't last long.

‐ Yeah, that makes sense. ‐ But we tried.

‐ We did try. ‐ We did.

[warm music]

♪ ♪

‐ Hi, everyone.

Welcome to my report on "Connormetrics."

‐ Whoo! ‐ [whistles]

‐ I learned a lot today,

both from my uncle and my moms.

My uncle taught me that it's nice to get paid,

but my moms taught me that it pays to be nice.

♪ ♪

To be clear, I mean paid both spiritually

and in that sweet, sweet cash.

‐ Oh.

‐ I'm so proud of him.

‐ So, uh, let me try to understand

what was happening today.

‐ It's simple, really. You married an insane person.

[laughs] ‐ Yeah.

‐ Look, I was worried that I wasn't doing enough to help,

so I did way too much, and then I tried to undo it,

and I did way too little, but, uh...

[laughs] Look, I just‐‐ I saw that you were upset,

and I probably should have asked why.

‐ Yeah, that would have been a good idea.

‐ [chuckles]

‐ I wasn't running errands today.

I stopped by my old law firm.

‐ Oh.

‐ Remember when everyone was arguing

about who Kelvin should pick, whose job was the coolest?

Nobody even mentioned me.

It's like no one thinks of what I do as a job

or even remembers I used to be a lawyer.

‐ [sighs] I mean, I'm sorry.

I didn't pick up on that.

‐ It made sense for me to stay at home

when your career was taking off and I was burnt out.

Now it's been three years,

and, I mean, it's been great,

but also sometimes not.

‐ Yeah. [both laugh]

You want to go back to work at the firm?

‐ God, no. I mean, I thought I did.

At first, I was excited to put on business casual

and see old friends,

but then I remembered the 16‐hour days,

the office politics, and creepy Gary,

who always offered me a bite of his sub.

‐ Ugh.

‐ I might be ready to go back to work, but, uh, not there.

Also, I asked, and they're not hiring.

‐ [laughs]

Well, look, whatever you want to do, I'm here to help, okay?

I mean, really help, not destroy our entire house.

‐ Thank you.

You know, we shouldn't hide things from each other.

‐ Absolutely. I might have broken the washing machine.

‐ Sometimes I say I'm taking a shower,

but then I just get my hair a little wet,

and I go to sleep on the bath mat.

‐ Ooh. [laughs]

‐ Thank you. Thank you.

Mwah, mwah. [applause]

‐ You broke the washing machine?

‐ Kelvin's report was fantastic.

‐ Yeah, as a writer, I was impressed.

Although the recap of "The Wolf of Wall Street"

was more graphic than I expected.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Oh, yeah, that was...

‐ Oh! Lupe, you baked?

‐ Yes, and I made a box

and put a sticker of the bakery on it.

‐ It's from me. I‐I bought a pie.

‐ Oh, Sarah, that's so sweet.

‐ Yep, I used the $47 that I made

helping a rich 26‐year‐old take her bulldog

to a podcasting internship.

‐ All right. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Hey, are you gonna conference me in

if Jerry ever calls again?

Because I feel like I can wring

another 2% of blood out of that stone.

‐ Denise, you're starting to freak me out.