All language subtitles for Home.Economics.S01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

‐ Chapter Four:
For Tom and Sarah,

having a rich brother
was complicated.

On the one hand,
Connor's wealth

made them feel like
the failures of the family.

On the other hand,
he was a great source

of hand‐me‐downs: toys,

children's clothing,
and even...

A six‐month‐old laptop,

I mean, if anyone
should get it, it's me.

I need it for my job.

‐ Denise and
I share a computer

that burns our thighs.

But yeah, sure,
give it to the "writer."

‐ Why is "writer"
always in quotes?

Besides, my computer
keeps crashing.

I lost an entire chapter
this morning.

‐ Our laptop
can't be on a lap, Tom!

‐ Weren't Mom and Dad
gonna get you a new one?

‐ Yeah, they'd rather
buy things for their kids

than actually come and visit.

‐ Yeah, that's weird.
They're only two hours away.

Think we'd get
more grandparent time.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Mom?

‐ Dad?

‐ It's not
what it looks like.

‐ It looks like you're
visiting Connor and not us.

‐ Why'd you say
it wasn't what it looked like?

It's exactly
what it looks like.

‐ I agree.
This is ridiculous.

It's an incubator.
It's not worth those numbers.

‐ You drove all the way
in from Sacramento

and didn't even offer to visit?

‐ I left you a voicemail.

‐ Mom, your voicemails
are just three minutes

of rustling in your purse.

‐ I can't believe you guys

are playing favorites
like this.

You haven't visited
Sarah's place

or my place in ages.

‐ Yeah,
and it's so important for you

to spend time
with the kids right now.

I mean,
especially after last year.

‐ Admit it, you just love
hanging out

in this gigantic house.

It's like a vacation
for you guys.

‐ That's not fair.

‐ Fresh mimosa?

‐ Oh!
Gracias, Lupe.

‐ De nada.

‐ Look, we're not
playing favorites.

I've never once thought
about the size of this house

or this‐‐this spectacular view

that helps you forget
all your cares.

‐ The only reason
we're babysitting Gretchen

is because
Connor is extra busy.

He's buying an incubator.

‐ Mom, do you even know
what that is?

‐ Something with eggs.

‐ All right,
who needs a mimosa?

Tom, Sarah, mimose?

‐ Connor, how often have
they been visiting you?

‐ [trills lips]

Um...

Definitely not before today.

‐ Marshall, these are
your pants from last week.

‐ Oh!
‐ Got the chocolate out.

‐ Thank you, Lupe.
Perfect.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

She made a ganache.
It's this...

It's just whipped filling
of chocolate and‐‐

‐ Thanks for the info, Dad.

‐ I know that Connor is
going through an adjustment,

but this is not fair.

Our kids wanna see
their grandparents too.

‐ Guys, Gretchen needs

extra attention
right now, okay?

If you want
more grandparent time,

maybe you should divorce
your wives too.

‐ Super helpful.
‐ Great advice.

‐ Thank you.

‐ But you take them
on vacation.

Your childhood bedroom
is basically a shrine.

Let's face it, you've always
been the favorite.

‐ That's not true.
Is that true?

‐ No.
Not true.

‐ It shifts around.

‐ You wanna talk favorites?

How about when they missed
my wrestling match

for your debate club?

‐ I wasn't in debate.

That's for nerds.

It was the academic quiz bowl.

‐ And Sarah, how about
when you were 17,

and they let you go
on that vacation to Colorado?

‐ You mean
my inpatient anxiety treatment?

‐ You told me
she was snowboarding.

‐ I didn't want you
to worry.

You were so young
and adorable.

‐ Hey, remember
how he used to say "skissors"?

‐ "Rock paper skissors!"

‐ [playfully] Stop!
Stop!

‐ Aww, sorry,
you two are upset.

Look, let's balance
the scales, all right?

Let's go to your places
right now.

We'll make a day of it, right?

‐ Really?
Yeah, Camila would love that.

‐ Perfect!
Grandparent time for all!

‐ Okay.
‐ Great.

‐ You okay
with this, skissors?

‐ I mean, no, but fine.

‐ I get Mom.
‐ Sure.

Okay, Mom, Dad,
do you guys mind splitting up?

‐ Oh.
‐ Well, well...

We've had our ups and downs,
but I mean, we‐‐

‐ You get to a certain age,

and then you just decide
to stick with it.

‐ Guys, that's not
what I'm‐‐

‐ Wait, Gramma
and Grandpa are divorcing too?

‐ No, no.
‐ No, sweetie.

‐ I'm sending you
the therapy bill.

‐ Yeah.
‐ And you get the laptop.

‐ Yes!
‐ Oh, damn it.

‐ "A Wrinkle in Time"?

‐ "Harry Potter"!

‐ It's so great
having her here, right?

‐ Totally. For now.

‐ What do you mean?

The kids love her.
It's grandma time!

‐ It's not the kids
I'm worried about.

You and your mom have
a 90‐minute window.

You get along great
for 90 minutes,

and then you start to argue
and get on each other's nerves.

‐ That is not true.

How long has it been?
‐ Hour twenty.

‐ Oh.

‐ It releases insulin

when your blood sugar
gets too high.

And that is how
an artificial pancreas works.

‐ I guess
this counts as playing.

‐ Well, I mean,
he's having fun.

‐ Say, Grandpa,
why don't you try

a round of peek‐a‐boo?

‐ I don't wanna mess
with their sense

of object permanence.

‐ Dad...

‐ Oh, "Where The Wild Things
Are"!

‐ Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Shamiah, you win $10!

‐ Oh, Mom,
love the gesture,

but just a heads‐up:

we actually donate a third
of the kids' allowance

to causes that they care about,

you know, renewable energy,
turtle rescue.

‐ That's fine,
but this isn't allowance money.

This is grandma bucks!
[laughs]

[kids cheer]

‐ Mom, I can't believe
that‐‐

I can't believe

how much fun the kids
are having with you.

‐ Well, thank you, Sarah.

‐ I mean,
I wanna be wrong.

‐ Hey, Marina,
what percentile

head circumference are they?

I'm guessing Es‐ta‐ban's
a couple of points bigger.

‐ Esteban.

‐ Sorry,
what did I say?

‐ Also, you're pointing
at Alejandro.

‐ You sure?
'Cause I'm really getting

an Ees‐ta‐ban vibe
from this one.

‐ You know, Sarah,
this place would feel

a lot less cramped

if you would put
some of this stuff away.

‐ Okay, well, I do, but‐‐

‐ You were always
the messy one.

‐ And you always
reminded me.

I wonder if Tom and Marina
are having this much "fun"

with Dad.
[hushed] Please stop that.

‐ Guys, can I watch
the game in your room?

‐ Yeah, if you're here now,

why don't you play a game
with Camila?

‐ Ah, way ahead of ya.

I already have set her up
for online poker.

‐ Love you, Grandpa!

‐ Love you too, baby.
Hey, don't go all‐in

unless you got
the nuts, sweetheart.

‐ You can't do
"Black Lives Matter"

in charades!
It is offensive!

‐ How is that offensive?

‐ Why the trumpet?

‐ Because Louis Armstrong
was Black!

‐ Oh, my God, Mom.

‐ Stop criticizing Grandma!

Tell us who else was Black.

‐ If you need me,
I'll be on your bed.

‐ And if you need me,

I will listening to a podcast
about murder.

‐ 90 minutes on the dot.
I should write a book.

‐ What up?

‐ Hey, how's
it going with Dad?

‐ It's great.
It's... so great.

We're having the best time.

‐ I can't help you
if you keep crying like this.

‐ How's it going with Mom?

‐ Sarah, were these walls
painted this color

when you moved in?
I can't picture choosing it.

‐ She's so good
with the kids.

‐ Totally.
It's like, grandparent time

is the best, right?

‐ Speaking of, Camila
deserves some grandma time,

so I thought I could drop her
off at your place.

‐ Oh, okay, you know,

actually, I was thinking
we could bring Dad to you.

You know, he could do
some science experiments

with Kelvin and Shamiah.
That'd be fun, right?

Well, you're
trying to pass her off on me.

‐ You're trying
to pass him off on me

Okay, fine,

Mom is starting to annoy me
a little bit.

‐ Dad's supposed to be
taking care of the kids,

but we're taking care of him.

We were so jealous
that Connor was the favorite,

we forgot what it's actually
like when Mom and Dad visit.

[cell phone buzzes]
Oh, and here's

their favorite child now.
hang on.

‐ Hey.

How's it going
with Mom and Dad?

‐ It's, like, the best.

‐ My heart is so full.

‐ Good.
Then you're gonna love this.

So I felt bad about hogging
all the grandparent time.

So I was thinking, you know,

we're all together
in the Bay Area now.

We love it when Mom and Dad
drive in to visit,

but it's two hours both ways.

So what if I buy them
a little place in the city?

‐ I'm sorry,
what's happening?

‐ Wait, like,
buy them an apartment?

‐ Yeah, right between
all three of us.

‐ What an amazing thing

to propose
in front of everyone.

‐ You would do that?

‐ That's our Conny!

‐ Yes, so I found
the perfect place

that just came on the market.

But this is San Francisco
real estate, hombres.

Okay?
We gotta act fast.

‐ So Mom and Dad
would, like...

v‐v‐‐like, visit more?

‐ No, it wouldn't be
visiting, Tommy.

We'd live here.

‐ It'd be grandparent time
all the time.

[laughs]

[baby whines]

‐ Ta‐da!
‐ Oh, it's wonderful.

And there's even
a breakfast nook.

‐ Oh, your mother
loves her nooks.

‐ I must have inherited that,
because I, too, love a nook.

‐ It's like a dream,
isn't it?

Having your parents
so close by.

‐ It's like‐‐yes,

it's like I can't believe
this is happening.

‐ Yes, it's, like,
"Ah, wake up."

‐ I mean, we would
practically be neighbors.

‐ But you'd still keep
the place in Sacramento, right?

‐ Why would we
when we can be

with you guys all the time?

‐ You'd sell
our childhood home?

‐ So many good memories
there... I assume.

‐ Well,
there was some bad ones.

Super Bowl XLVII,
Niners lost to the Ravens.

It was tough for me to go back
in the TV room ever since.

‐ So what do you say,
lock it down?

‐ Well, it's so nice.

But these hardwood floors
are just‐‐whoa.

They are so slippery.

I mean, Mom,
with your smooth feet‐‐

‐ Hey,
that's why I married her.

‐ What?

‐ The only defect
about this place

is that it is too adorable.

‐ Yeah, guys,
what is the concern?

People are putting in
offers as we speak.

‐ I guess it's because
they don't know the truth

about this building.
I heard it on a podcast.

This place... it's the site
of the Kasendorf Murders.

‐ What?

‐ No, no, no, no,
there were no murders here.

‐ Oh, yeah, I felt, like,
a negative energy

when we walked in here,
and that explains it.

‐ Yep.
Triple killing, 1968.

‐ This place
was built in 1975.

‐ That's
the creepiest part.

‐ But hold on, hold on.

Don't we get a discount
for that kind of thing?

‐ Okay.

Let's be clear.
No murders.

Lots of interest
for other buyers, though.

‐ Whoa,
pressure tactics much?

This one's a shark.

‐ Guys,
I say we put in a bid,

no matter how many people
got murdered here.

‐ Great!
No murders, but great!

‐ Could we see
the bedroom?

I need, like, six or seven
wall outlets available.

‐ Okay.

This way, please.
No murders.

‐ Okay.
What is going on?

This place is perfect for them.

‐ It is.
And...

God it'd be great
for Mom and Dad

to live much, much closer.
But‐‐

‐ Yes, but.
‐ Definitely a "but."

‐ Here's the thing,
I love ice cream.

You know, I'm‐‐I'm like
an ice cream guy...

‐ Who doesn't love
ice cream?

‐ But if I had ice cream
all day, every day,

it might that after a while,

ice cream
gets a little irritating.

‐ It would make you sick.
‐ Yeah.

And I don't wanna get sick
from ice cream.

I wanna love ice cream,
you know,

in moderation.

‐ What are you
talking about?

There's no such thing
as too much ice cream.

‐ Connor, it's not
about the ice cream.

‐ In college,
I, one time, ate

16 pints of ice cream
in one night.

‐ For, like,
a fraternity thing?

‐ What?

‐ Okay.
The point is, we should visit

Mom and Dad more,
and they should visit us more.

But if they live here,

that would cause more problems
than it solves.

‐ But then they could
visit us all equally.

And you guys wouldn't think
I'm the favorite.

‐ Oh, come on, man,
you don't think

if you buy them this apartment,

it's gonna make them
favor you even more?

You always do this.

You're buying them all
this stuff‐‐

you're buying their love.

‐ Well, how else
am I supposed to get it?

Of course
I have to buy their love.

I don't have your skills, Tom.

I've never won a Pulitzer.

‐ Well, I mean,
it was a special citation

from the Minnesota Book
Critics Association.

‐ The only thing
I've written

is a Reddit thread
about stonks.

And Sarah, you're like
the perfect daughter.

You're always, like,
volunteering and doing work

that actually helps
the community,

while I, occasionally,
am harming it.

‐ You're exaggerating.
‐ No, seriously.

I once invested in a startup

that helped people bedazzle
their assault weapons.

And one of my companies
in Latvia

does, like, really shady stuff.

Even I was like,
"Can we do this?"

‐ Probably shouldn't be
telling us this.

‐ So yes, of course,
I have to buy their love.

You guys make them proud.

I make them reservations
and mimosas.

‐ Connor, they would love you
even if you were poor.

‐ Ew, don't say that.

I thought this would make
you guys feel better,

but in hindsight,
I can see how, you know,

buying them an apartment
with a freaking sweet nook

would only make you feel worse.

‐ The nook
is off the hook.

‐ I just‐‐I got
a little carried away.

So I'll go call it off.

And maybe you're right,
you know?

Maybe there's an upside

to having
a little bit of distance.

‐ Connor,
if we'd live here,

we could help you find
a new girlfriend!

‐ Yeah,
I'll be your wingman!

‐ Yep, distance is good.

‐ [sighs]
This has turned

into a wonderful surprise.

Moving to the city was
not on my bingo card.

‐ Hey, Conny, you went
above and beyond, big guy.

‐ So what do you think,
big guy?

[light awkward music]

♪ ♪

‐ You guys wanna check out
the bathroom with me?

‐ What happened? I thought
you were calling it off.

‐ I can't.
They were so excited.

If I bail,
I'll be their least favorite.

‐ Just tell them
you're reconsidering

and is actually not
that great an apartment.

‐ Yeah, the bathroom
barely fits five people.

‐ Unless... someone else
takes it away from them.

I need the room.

‐ You can't wait
'til you get home?

‐ Just go.

[line trilling]

‐ Well, are you gonna‐‐
‐ Ow!

‐ Oh, Jesus.

‐ Hello?

‐ [bad Australian accent]
'Allo.

Cheerio, cheerio, yeah.

This is Nigel Brimble‐Goggin.

Now, I've seen
you have an apartment

I simply must acquire.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Well, you see,
I'm actually new to America,

and I need to find a place
to live while I go on holiday.

‐ I see.
Right.

‐ Money's no object.
‐ Well, I already have a buyer.

‐ You know, I'm willing
to go over the asking price.

‐ Over the asking price?

‐ When a Brimble‐Goggin
sees something he wants,

he's gotta have it.

‐ That
does not sound good.

‐ Well, maybe it's
a blessing in disguise.

‐ Yeah, you don't wanna live
inside a murder building,

especially if the victims
were found inside the walls.

‐ Whoo, too far, too far.
‐ They need to know.

‐ So we have another bidder.

And he's quite aggressive.

‐ Aw, fudge!
‐ Oh, dear.

‐ San Francisco
real estate, the worst.

‐ I was just checking out
the tiles.

Did some unexpected event
just take place?

‐ Connor,
we may not be moving.

There is another bidder.
‐ No!

‐ Yeah,
from a very pushy man.

New Zealand?
I can't place his accent.

‐ Yeah, probably British.

‐ I don't think so.

‐ Maybe like a South London

kind of vibe?

‐ Notting Hill?
‐ No.

‐ Yeah,
he's probably Scottish.

I think that's British, too,
right?

‐ Marshall,
I need that nook.

‐ Okay, sweetie.
What do you think, Conny?

Let's show this kiwi
who's boss.

Let's take what he's asking,
raise him five large.

[lightly tense music]

♪ ♪

‐ The truth is...

I gotta call his bluff!

[laughter]

‐ Yes.
‐ Yes.

I will tell Mr. Brimble‐Goggin
that he has been outbid.

‐ "Brimble‐Goggin"?

‐ He sounds British
to me.

‐ Hey, can I talk to you
for a sec?

‐ Yeah.

‐ What's going on, man?

‐ I was trying to buy it out
from under myself.

But I can't just give up
in front of Mom and Dad.

I gotta make it look like

I'm putting up a fight
against the other guy.

‐ You are the other guy!

‐ Mm‐hmm,
and this negotiation

is about to get
real interesting.

‐ Excuse me.

I gotta go do
more bathroom stuff.

‐ When Conny has to go,
he really has to go.

‐ Yeah,
he gets it from me.

One clam, I am done‐zo.

‐ Oh, crikey!

Well, if that's the case,

I guess I must raise
my bid as well!

I simply must own
that apartment,

which is what we here
in South Kensington

call a "flat."

‐ Gee, I hope
this works out.

‐ Yeah.
‐ It's a great idea

from Connor.
‐ Yeah.

‐ Another great idea
from Connor.

‐ Oh, Tommy,
who cares whose idea it was?

This could be
a wonderful place.

The kids could sleep over.

We can put their artwork
on that wall over there,

like Shamiah's watercolors.

‐ Aw, Mom.

‐ Tommy, I'm thinking...

we could use the top shelf

on these built‐ins
to display all your novels.

‐ Really?
‐ Yeah.

And then, down here,
we'd put John Grisham.

‐ You'd put me
above Grisham?

‐ Absolutely.
Mur and I are so proud of you.

‐ I brag about you
on Facebook.

There's a special emoji
for books.

It's like a little pile
of books.

‐ Yeah, and you too,
Sarah.

You have got
such a great heart.

‐ Yeah.

‐ I have no idea
where that came from.

I, myself, have not volunteered
since Hands Across America.

‐ That's right.

‐ Wow, we always
just assumed

that Connor was the favorite.

‐ Yeah, he's got all the money,
you know, he's the baby.

I mean, how can
we compete with that?

‐ Well, he is the baby.

But that only means
he needs us more.

We love all of you equally.

And that goes
for you two as well.

‐ Oh.
‐ We are delighted

to have you both
as daughters‐in‐law.

‐ Well, thank you, Dad.

‐ And I am very proud

to share the Hayworth name
with you both.

‐ That is so sweet,
honestly.

But you know, Sarah and I
created our own last name.

‐ Yeah, I don't understand
that, so...

Okay, bring it in.
Come on.

Ah!
‐ Oh!

‐ Okay.

Come on, everybody.

‐ Yeah.
[laughter]

‐ Oh, that feels good.

‐ Yeah.
Let's check on Rachel,

see what's going on.

‐ [softly] Okay.

‐ So‐‐
‐ Yeah...

‐ I mean...
‐ Yeah...

‐ I told you guys

it might be a good idea
to have them closer.

‐ Oh, please.
‐ You were just as much

a part of this as we were.
Please.

‐ You know what?
The kids would love it,

and we might like it too.

‐ Oh my god, Connor!

‐ Hey, Connor?
Buddy?

Are you almost done in there?

‐ Almost!

‐ No really, whatever
you're doing in there,

you need to hit pause, okay?

‐ Just one second!
I'm actually using it now!

[toilet flushes]

‐ So it's over?

‐ I'm so sorry.

The other buyer
wired a down payment.

I think he's Dutch.

‐ [bad British accent]
The loo is all yours, Tom.

‐ Excuse me, guys.
I have to call my office.

I'm so sorry.

‐ Well, this has been
a roller coaster kind of a day.

‐ Yeah.
‐ I'm sorry, Mom.

‐ Oh, hey, Tommy,
it's not your fault.

‐ Well...

‐ You guys are doing
a really good job

of acting upset.

‐ We are upset.

‐ Yeah, wow,
very convincing.

‐ Maybe you could find them
another place nearby?

‐ Yeah, totally.

Why are we still going
with this?

What is this, like, a bit?

‐ Well, I guess
we just kind of realized

that we've always got room
for ice cream, you know.

‐ What?

After all this,
now you guys love ice cream?

‐ Okay, we always loved
ice cream.

We just lost sight
of the whole ice cream picture.

‐ Look, Connor, we just had

a really heartfelt encounter
with ice cream.

‐ Oh, yeah?

Well, while you guys
were out here,

having an emotional
breakthrough about ice cream,

I'm in the bathroom

dropping a ridiculous amount
of money on cones!

‐ But here you
all go again.

Can you stop arguing for once?

‐ Mom,
this doesn't concern you.

‐ They keep changing
their stance on a dessert.

‐ Oh, please!
‐ Okay, oh, ho, ho, ho.

Mur, I think it's time
we headed on home.

‐ Yeah, I think
it's that time.

‐ "That time"?
What time?

‐ There comes a time

in which the five of you
start to become a lot.

‐ Oh, us.
We're a lot.

‐ We can be a lot?

‐ What happened
to all that stuff

about being proud of us?

‐ Well, we are.
But, all of this‐‐this‐‐

‐ Maybe moving closer together
isn't a great idea.

We'll just drive up
on the weekends.

‐ Yeah,
let me explain it this way.

I love hamburgers.
I'm a big hamburger guy.

But if I had to eat
a hamburger‐‐

‐ You know what, Dad?
Dad, we get it.

‐ Okay, people,
this place is off the market.

You are officially trespassing.

Now, you don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.

‐ I never trusted her.

In the Hayworth family,

everyone liked ice cream.

But they agreed
that sometimes,

the best ice cream...

‐ Like I said,
negative energy.

‐ Is the kind you have
to drive

two hours away to get.

‐ Bollocks.
Just lost a lot of quid.

Hey, quid means money,
right, in British?

‐ So there were actually
no murders in the building?

‐ I mean, I kind of
assume there's been murders

everywhere at some point
or another.

‐ I mean, I am feeling
negative energy here.

‐ [RP accent] Sorry to hear
about the flats, old chap.

[normally] Maybe you can find
a way to back out of the deal.

‐ Nah, my Zillow buddy
told me

that they're putting in
a new development,

like two blocks away,
some high‐end outdoor mall

with, like, a pan‐Asian
night market.

So in a year, that place will
be worth twice what I paid.

‐ So we made
a huge mistake,

and you're still
making a profit.

‐ Funny
how that works, huh?

‐ Yeah.
‐ Well, I don't know.

Maybe since
we came up with the idea,

we could be considered, like,
co‐financers of the thing?

‐ Oh, Tom, that's why you
gotta put things in writing.

Business 101, man.

‐ But‐‐

‐ [laughs]