Original subtitles

‐ Chapter two.

The Hayworth siblings were settling in

to their new normal.

After being laid off,

Sarah was trying to make use of her time.

Everyone hoped she'd find a new job soon‐‐

some more than others.

For Connor, being a newly separated, single dad

was exhausting.

And thanks to that loan from Connor,

Tom had a financial cushion for a few months,

allowing him to really focus on his novel.

Asking for a loan was awkward.

But it would get really ugly once the whole family learned

that this new book was all about them.

[overlapping chatter]

Now that they all lived nearby,

the siblings decided to host a weekly rotating brunch.

‐ So first trip to Oakland.

Everything you ever dreamed? ‐ Oh, yeah.

So hip. ‐ Oh?

‐ And your place is so, uh,

so snug.

‐ "Snug"? ‐ No, no.

I think what Connor's trying to say

is that it's cozy.

‐ Yeah. Cozy.

Cozy and snug.

‐ And warm. ‐ Intimate.

‐ Comfy. ‐ Quaint.

‐ Okay, it's fine.

The word that you are searching for is "small."

‐ Oh, I don't think I‐‐ I wouldn't call it small.

‐ Small? With all this space‐‐

‐ Ooh! Oh!

[objects clattering]

[children laughing]

‐ It's kind of small.

‐ Yeah, but, you know, it doesn't feel small.

[upbeat music]

‐ Next weekend, brunch at our place?

I'm making chilaquiles.

Although, hearing myself say that

sounds like a lot of work, so probably not.

‐ We're not brunching.

Next weekend, we got Spags' wedding.

‐ Do I have to call him Spags?

‐ The siblings had grown up across the street

from a kid named Spags.

While Tom tried to be a role model to Connor,

which usually meant doing Connor's homework for him,

Spags connected with Connor

on a more primal level.

Spags also had a crush on Sarah,

and although she hadn't yet realized that she was gay,

he probably helped her along on that journey.

Tom and Sarah never thought he'd amount to much,

but Spags had a ridiculous idea called DrawerD'Oeuvres,

and Connor invested in it,

despite Tom saying it was ridiculous.

But, hey, what did Tom know? Because it was a huge hit.

And Connor added it to his already ridiculous fortune

while Tom could've invested in it, but didn't.

Not that that bothered him.

‐ Ooh, mommy brain.

That's next weekend? ‐ Yep.

And I'm supposed to give a toast.

Stand up in front of everyone

and act all happy for the new couple.

I can't do that.

‐ Because he's gross? ‐ Because he's a jerk?

‐ It feels like you're losing a part of yourself?

‐ It's impossible to find joy in anything?

‐ Guys, no.

Because how am I supposed to act all "yay, marriage"

when I'm, you know...

getting divorced?

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ Right.

Right. ‐ So sorry.

‐ You still haven't told Gretchen?

‐ No, we're waiting for Emily to get back

from her business trip.

God, here I am,

heartbroken, trying to write an inspiring toast about love

when I'm not a good writer.

You know, I'm not skilled with such things.

‐ Uh, yeah, I could‐‐ I could help you out.

‐ Really? You don't mind? ‐ Come on, Connor.

I won "Most Promising Debut Novel"

at the 2009 Nantucket Book Festival,

non‐fantasy or science fiction division.

I think I can handle a wedding toast.

‐ Thanks, Tom.

I don't know what that is, but that's very cool of you.

‐ Aw, brotherly love. ‐ That's so sweet.

‐ Not all heroes wear capes, right?

‐ I am just so excited to go to a party for grown‐ups‐‐

open bar, dancing, bacon‐wrapped dates.

‐ Spags will have b‐wrapped‐d's, for sure.

Champagne fountain.

I think they're releasing, like, 100 doves.

‐ Do you know what happens to those doves

after they're released?

‐ Oh, yeah. They get eaten by hawks.

It's gnarly. ‐ Oh, my God.

I am so glad we didn't do any of that at our wedding.

‐ Well, we barely had a wedding.

‐ Yeah, that was definitely the right choice.

‐ [strained] Yeah. Definitely.

Anyone else need coffee?

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

‐ Oh, my God! ‐ Gosh.

Phew. [overlapping chatter]

Ooh!

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey!

‐ What're you watching?

‐ I was just doing‐‐my email.

Just sending, receiving.

BCC, CC, LOL.

‐ Are you watching porn?

‐ No‐‐yes.

Yes, I am.

Just hardcore sex content.

‐ All right, well, there's nothing to be‐‐

embarrassed about.

‐ Don't. I don't‐‐ ‐ Oh, my God! What is this?

‐ It's a custom dress with a mermaid silhouette.

‐ I don't understand.

‐ Oh, that's where the skirt comes out mid‐thigh

to create a hourglass effect.

‐ No. Why would you watch this? ‐ Oh.

Well, going to this wedding,

it's kind of reminding me of how we...

never really had one ourselves.

‐ Well, we are married.

I mean, we did it as soon as it became legal.

‐ Yeah, in, like, a quickie, city hall ceremony.

I'm talking about one with, like, a reception.

‐ We couldn't afford one. ‐ I know.

‐ And our parents were pretty lukewarm about the whole thing.

‐ I know.

‐ And we didn't want a big party.

‐ No, you didn't want a big party.

You said, "Having a wedding reception

was like celebrating money and patriarchy."

‐ Well, the father literally gives the bride away,

I mean, like she's cattle.

‐ Okay, I just can't stop thinking

about how nice it would be to wear gowns,

and have our first dance, and

have a video to show our kids on our anniversary.

‐ Right. I get that.

Okay, well,

it's not a wedding cake, but

there is a mushroom lentil pie in the fridge

that we could slice together.

‐ Ooh, tempting. ‐ It's gluten‐free.

‐ Wow, you really know how to sell it.

‐ [laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

‐ "And in the end, isn't that what matters?

"Not just that we find someone willing to accept us

"and forgive our mistakes,"

but that we find someone who makes us want to be better?"

‐ I mean...

‐ I don't know. It kind of sounds like you.

‐ Do you mean thoughtful

and in touch with human emotion?

‐ It feels heavy, right? ‐ Oh.

‐ Like, I would never say,

"Marriage is a fire stoked by the coals of forgiveness."

Like, it's a marriage.

Can it even get...stoked?

I don't know. That's just something

I'm kind of bumping on creatively.

‐ Look, man. This is gold, okay?

Mom cried when I read it to her.

‐ Mom cried at the end of "Jumanji."

‐ Okay, uh, you need my help?

I'm here to help.

I'll have another go at it, no problem.

‐ Dope. Just write it pretending you're me.

‐ Do you mean, like, someone who uses the word "dope"?

‐ Swag. ‐ What?

‐ We should just work on it together.

‐ Oh, actually it's probably a little quicker

if I kind of bang it out myself.

Plus, Marina needs me to get home.

‐ Right on, I'll have Lupe make some chicken nuggs.

Lupe!

Nugg time!

‐ What is this?

‐ Together,

we are going to work through your wedding envy.

‐ By watching my favorite show?

‐ We're gonna watch it critically.

‐ Of course. ‐ Because once we lift up

the rock of the wedding industry

and examine the cultural biases just crawling underneath,

you will never want a reception again.

‐ You are so cute when you use your women's studies degree.

‐ Aw! Okay, let's watch this trash.

‐ I could see the sun just hitting you, like, glowing.

‐ I feel perfect. [giggles]

‐ It's like we're programmed as women to want this spectacle,

like our worth depends on it.

‐ You are so right.

‐ So I shouldn't get married?

‐ No, no, sweetie. That's not what we're saying.

You shouldn't "want" to get married.

‐ Right. Remember, the most important day

of a woman's life is not her wedding day.

It's the day she becomes president.

‐ Sparkling face. [women laugh]

‐ You know, it is so archaic. ‐ And lookist.

‐ But I really hope they nail that dance.

‐ Right? And it's the same song her grandmother danced to.

‐ And the same gown!

‐ I just want you guys to feel it

like I feel it.

‐ They overcame so much, you know,

with the hurricane and the heart attack.

‐ And they got their perfect day.

‐ It's your day. ‐ Yeah.

It is my day.

‐ I think I have something in my eye.

[all sniffling]

‐ You know, it just restores your faith

that love conquers all.

‐ This didn't work, did it?

‐ Hey, did you get the twins down?

‐ No, I'm just really into tiptoeing.

Did you finish Connor's toast?

‐ Well, I tried to get it out there,

but, of course, he insisted we "brainstorm"

while doing sit‐ups.

‐ Hmm. ‐ Medical question.

Can you break your abs?

‐ Hey, you volunteered for this, remember?

Heroes without capes? ‐ I don't mind helping Connor.

I've been doing it my whole life.

I can't waste my entire week on this stupid toast.

I mean, he keeps changing it.

I don't know what his problem is.

Wait, you don't think this is about that loan, do you?

Like, now that I owe him money, he owns me?

‐ Please, no fights at the wedding, okay?

I don't want another scene like your parents' anniversary.

‐ Connor told me he was buying them a juicer.

I show up with 20 pounds of oranges.

I looked like a idiot.

‐ Well, he did buy them a very nice car instead.

‐ That's not the point. ‐ Please!

This is my first party in a year without a bouncy house.

I have it all mapped out.

Drop the twins off at 10:00.

Take my first shower in a week. Put on a dress.

Hair, makeup. Pregame cocktail.

Maybe an edible. ‐ Marina.

‐ Okay, boomer. I'll stick to alcohol.

And if I remember to eat enough while I'm drinking,

I will get drunk, but not drunk‐drunk,

and I will peak right in time for dancing.

‐ Oh. [chuckles]

Don't forget to make some time for old Tommy

at the end of the night.

‐ Sweetie, it's not your birthday.

‐ Well, okay. ‐ Tommy Boy?

Oh, hey, guys.

Marina, you mind if I borrow Dean Koontz over here

for just a second? I got a new idea.

‐ Uh, Connor, it's 9:00 p. m.

‐ So I read over what we wrote,

and it's fine.

You know, but I'm thinking,

what if the toast is in the form

of, like, an investment report about their marriage?

‐ Uh...

‐ I'm gonna go pump. You two have fun.

[percussive music]

‐ I brainstorm better when I plank.

Come on. Plank with me.

[grunts]

Thomas? ‐ Okay.

‐ "So, in conclusion, market conditions indicate

"that the value of this merger

"will only increase in the years to come.

"My rating for this marriage:

strong buy."

Huh. That's not bad.

That whole run about volatility is actually pretty good.

‐ Yeah, but hearing it out loud,

it's like NPR funny,

and I'm more Howard Stern funny.

‐ Oh, my God, Connor! We have been at this all night.

‐ You're right. Let's sleep on it.

Do another round in the morning.

‐ No. ‐ No?

‐ No, that's it. I'm done.

I'm out. ‐ But we're so close.

‐ You're always doing this to me,

just like when we were kids and you used to

trick me into doing your homework.

‐ You used to love doing my homework.

‐ What? ‐ And I wouldn't have

gotten into college otherwise.

I mean, really the reason that I'm successful

and living in Matt Damon's old house,

it's thanks to you.

‐ Well, then why don't you ask Matt Damon to help you out?

‐ He does have an Oscar for writing.

People forget that. ‐ Okay.

‐ What‐‐come on. I need your help, all right?

You're the better writing‐good person.

‐ Wow.

Look, you're taking advantage of me, okay?

It was just supposed to be a favor.

‐ This is just a favor.

I do favors for you when you need them.

‐ Okay. ‐ What?

‐ Oh, wow. ‐ Wait, why are you laughing?

‐ You're calling in that loan, aren't you?

That is so like you. You're always so transactional.

‐ Who even said anything about the loan?

[scoffs]

Wow.

And to think

I was gonna invite Camila on our ski trip.

‐ She doesn't even know how to ski.

‐ That's the point, Tom. She needs to learn.

‐ Nobody needs to learn how to ski!

‐ Okay, well, now you just sound crazy!

All right?

Tomorrow, I'm gonna stand up in front of friends and family

and give a toast, and you know what?

I have absolutely nothing to say.

‐ I've given you at least three full versions.

‐ Absolutely nothing!

I'm gonna look like an idiot. [scoffs]

I hope you're happy.

[door slams]

[guests chattering excitedly]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[silverware clattering]

Sarah, can you pass me the bread, please?

‐ There's another basket right next to Tom.

‐ I'd rather have your bread. ‐ Oh, my God.

Is this gonna be like Mom and Dad's anniversary again?

What is it this time? ‐ What it is, Sarah,

is I'm no longer doing somebody's homework for them.

‐ But you love doing Connor's homework.

‐ Why does everyone keep saying that?

‐ You had very good penmanship.

‐ Like a woman born in the '40s.

‐ Thanks, guys. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

You get it, right?

Every time I do something nice for him,

he takes advantage of me.

‐ Honey, I hear you. I do.

‐ But you're no longer listening.

‐ No, I hung in as long as I could.

I have a strict schedule to get the most out of this day,

and I'm not gonna let anything ruin it.

‐ Fair enough. ‐ Yup.

‐ [grunting] Hayworths!

[cackles]

We're still bumping it out, right?

Boom, boom, boom! all: Whoa!

‐ Hey, Tommy Boy!

Boom! ‐ Oh!

‐ [chuckles] Got me again.

‐ Still got it, man. [laughter]

Sarah. ‐ Hey, Spagsy.

Congratulations. ‐ Yeah, this is so crazy.

‐ Yeah, well, you invited‐‐ oh, wow.

Yeah. [laughs]

Okay. This is my wife, Denise.

‐ Wow. Very nice! [cackles]

Why didn't you invite me to your wedding?

‐ Oh, well, we didn't actually really have a wedding, so‐‐

‐ Chandrasekharans!

‐ It is a shame you two never had a wedding.

I have no photos for Facebook.

Every year, on your anniversary,

I post a picture of Ellen and Portia.

[laughing]

‐ I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

‐ Oh, wait. Denise, it's...

‐ Mom! ‐ What?

‐ When I got married,

you wouldn't even say that it was to a woman.

‐ Oh, sweetie, everybody was homophobic back then.

both: Mom! ‐ [scoffs]

‐ Oh, stop it.

‐ Sarah, I'm sorry.

I'm just realizing now, I never even got you a wedding gift.

‐ Honestly, Tom, that's the least of my problems.

‐ Sweetie? ‐ Yeah, Dad?

‐ Is Denise gonna finish her salmon?

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

‐ Connor!

‐ Hey. Break a leg.

‐ Break your face.

‐ Ooh, good one. Did you write that yourself?

‐ Someone had to.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Connor Hayworth.

Spags and I made a little bit of money together.

[applause]

‐ Pfft! [cackles]

‐ You know,

I wasn't quite sure what to say about Spags and Teresa today

because, the truth is,

I've been going through a bit of a tough time.

Yeah.

I thought I could use some help.

And that's one of the things I love about Spags.

He always helps.

He doesn't get all weird about it.

Spags would definitely understand

that if I ask him for help

with something that he, Spags,

is particularly good at,

that he should be flattered.

That's why Spags is like a brother to me.

‐ Okay.

Hey, everyone. Tom Hayworth here.

I'd like to just kind of add on to that.

‐ No, you can't add on. The toast floor's mine tonight.

I don't yield my time‐‐ ‐ Perfect. We'll double toast.

What I love about Spags,

is he never tries to manipulate you.

You know?

I mean, if, let's say,

I ask Spags for a loan,

he'd never hold that over my head.

Spags would understand

that I fully intended to pay him back.

And I'm very grateful for the help,

and I thought I made that very,

very, very clear to Spags.

‐ What happened to the coals of forgiveness?

‐ Go sit down. You look like an idiot.

‐ I look like an idiot? You're wearing a drink.

[all gasp]

[guests murmuring]

[guests gasp]

[both grunting]

‐ Stop!

Okay, here comes Big Papa.

‐ Nope, come on, not fair. ‐ Connor!

‐ All right. That's enough!

‐ Oh, my God. They're so embarrassing.

‐ Give it up for Teresa and Spags!

[scattered applause]

‐ [sighs contentedly, gags]

I was supposed to eat more bread.

[gags] ‐ Oh!

‐ [retching]

[guests gasp]

‐ Uh, let's keep those toasts coming!

Who wants to follow that?

[upbeat music playing distantly]

♪ ♪

‐ You know, any of those toasts you wrote would've worked.

‐ Well, yeah.

Then why'd you keep asking me for more?

‐ I guess 'cause...

♪ ♪

I like hanging out with you?

‐ [dryly] Ha ha.

Seriously? ‐ Don't make me say it again.

Look, I got no one at home right now.

I mean, yes, I have a daughter,

you know, I have a full‐time nanny,

and I have the sickest house ever,

but I got no one to talk to about this stuff.

‐ Well, you could always talk to Sarah.

Or Spags.

‐ But you're my big brother.

Why do you think I was always asking you to do my homework?

It was just a way to get you to pay attention to me.

‐ And to get me to do your homework.

‐ You do good homework.

‐ Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I like doing homework.

[both sigh]

‐ Truth is,

I guess right now, I'm...

I don't know. Things are a little lonely.

And you are

the closest thing I have to a wife.

[both laugh]

‐ The only difference is, we can't get divorced.

‐ Yeah, no matter how hard we try.

‐ Aw, man. You know, now I feel bad.

Whole time, I thought you were using me.

Turns out, you were really looking up to me.

‐ Well, I don't know if I said it like that‐‐

‐ Truth is,

I was kind of jealous of you and Spags.

I mean, he was your buddy,

you gave him money for DrawerD'Oeuvres,

which I think, let's be honest, is‐‐

‐ Awesome. Yeah. ‐ Pretty ridiculous.

‐ What? ‐ I said "awesome."

‐ Yeah.

Hey, man, that loan?

That's an investment in you.

Your next book's gonna kick ass.

I know it is.

What's it about, anyways?

‐ Uh‐‐ ‐ The book?

‐ Oh, it's kind of hard to explain.

It's a novel of manners,

kind of how we live today, a look at our society‐‐

‐ Yeah. No, you don't have to actually explain it.

I trust it'll be good. ‐ Okay. Yeah, okay.

Okay. [both laugh]

‐ Come on! Come on! Come on!

‐ Hey, are you okay? ‐ Good as new.

‐ Are you sure? ‐ Of course.

This is all part of my schedule.

Come on. We still got dancing and cake.

‐ [chuckles]

All righty.

♪ ♪

[Sophie B. Hawkins' "As I Lay Me Down" playing]

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ It felt like springtime ♪

♪ On this February morning ♪

‐ This is our song.

‐ ♪ Birds were singing your praise ♪

‐ Oh, God.

‐ Hello. Hi, everyone.

Um, I'm Sarah.

I'm related to the two idiots from before.

Spags used to be super into me.

Um, thank you all for joining us

on this truly magical day.

And now, I would like to have a first dance

with my wife.

‐ ♪ And I will wake up happy ♪

‐ What's happening now?

‐ [laughs]

Looks really good. ‐ Thank you.

[chuckles]

‐ Wow. Thank you.

[both laugh]

This is so stupid. ‐ I know.

Thank you for being my wife.

And for dealing with my really crazy family.

‐ Oh, it's gonna take a lot more than a dance

to make up for that.

[cheers and applause]

‐ ♪ As I lay me down to sleep, this I pray ♪

‐ We are never inviting that family anymore again.

‐ That's fair. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Let's hear it for the happy couple...

who's stolen the spotlight for some reason.

Hey, get out and join them!

[Earth, Wind & Fire's "September" playing]

♪ ♪

‐ A marriage is like a fire

stoked by the coals of forgiveness,

but Tom realized that wasn't just true for spouses.

It was true for siblings too.

Siblings make mistakes.

They evolve. They forgive.

They make you wanna be better.

And sometimes you just gotta highjack

someone else's wedding to figure that out.

‐ ♪ Say, do you remember ♪

♪ Ba‐dee‐ya, dancin' in September ♪

♪ Ba‐dee‐ya ♪

♪ Never was a cloudy day ♪

♪ Ba‐du, ba‐du ♪

♪ Ba‐du‐da, ba‐du ♪

♪ Ba‐du, ba‐du ♪

♪ Ba‐du‐da, ba‐du ♪

♪ Ba‐du, ba‐du, ba‐du‐da ♪

‐ Boo, come here! We have to cut the cake!

‐ Whoa, what are you doing? ‐ That's our cake!

[laughter] ‐ Sorry.

I got a little carried away.

‐ Aw!

‐ Tom, this is actually, um, amazing.

‐ Yeah, it's the wedding video we never had.

‐ The wedding gift I never got you guys.

‐ Whoo! I'm so happy for‐‐ ‐ Sarah and Denise.

‐ You're a wonderful couple! Whoo!

‐ Sarah and Denise.

‐ Do we know them? ‐ No.

‐ To think you met at that Kid Rock concert.

[laughter]

‐ [gags, retching]

Okay. That's enough.

‐ Oh, oh! ‐ All right, Tom.

‐ Mom, Mom, Mom!

[overlapping chatter]

‐ That is a lot of vomit.

[mellow electronic music]