Original subtitles

- Welcome to Seven Graces Surgical Center

and Luxury Aftercare,

where you'll be treated by our world-class team

of surgeons and medical staff.

Once your procedure is complete,

you'll heal in total comfort

and complete privacy in our award-winning wellness center.

Seven Graces, it's not just recovery, it's rejuvenation.

Welcome to Seven Graces Surgical Center...

Okay.

- Fuck!

- Once your procedure is complete,

you'll heal in total comfort and complete privacy

in our award-winning wellness center.

Seven Graces, it's not just recovery, it's rejuvenation.

- This is Marcus. - Hey, friend!

- Who is this? - It's Ava.

You don't have my number saved?

- No. What's up? Is everything okay with her?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, absolutely.

Everything's great. Deborah's great.

She's just, um, she's still in surgery.

I was just wondering--

You know what? I was wondering.

Do you--do you happen to know her, um, her phone passcode?

- And why do you need that? - Um, you know,

I was actually thinking I should probably

take some goofy selfies on her phone.

You know, just to cheer her up when she wakes up.

- Well, while that definitely sounds like something

she'd love, I can't help you.

I don't have the code. She uses Face ID.

Face ID, fuck!

Um, you know what, Marcus?

You can--you can go ahead and save my number,

if you want, 'cause you know, we're kinda becoming

friends.

- I will. - Okay, bye.

== Hacks == Season 1 - Episode 6

Oh, no.

Should've tried 'em on.

Episode Title: "New Eyes" Aired on: May 26, 2021

- Girl, did Andre try

to sell you some of his edge growth formula?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you think it works? - Do you think it works?

Don't forget, he thinks the earth is flat.

That boy's an idiot.

- Yeah, he's a fool. - Oh, girl.

We gotta stop buyin'-- - Mom, if you're gonna

housesit, at least close the door.

- Honey, why are you home?

- Change of plans.

I'm not going anymore.

And Costco, Mom?

You said you were having a few people over, not a frat party.

- I am. I am. I'm--it's not a party.

- Miss Loretta, what's that?

- This? - Mm-hmm.

- Party platter.

- This is why your building banned parties.

No! No, no.

- We got banned because they're losers and they're jealous.

- They're jealous. - That hole in the wall,

that coulda been made by anything.

- The keg-shaped hole in the wall

could've been made by anything?

- That's the one, yeah.

Okay.

- Well, anyway, now that you're here,

come help me slice fruit for the sangria.

- No, I'm just here to get my camera.

Sanford's showing me some properties in Huntridge.

- Oh, of course.

You got the weekend off from work,

so you're gonna fill it with more work.

Honey, you have caught a disease from Deborah,

and it's called workaholism.

-Mm, that's bad. - Mom--

- Hm? - Flipping houses for me

is not work, it's pleasure.

- Well, if you love it that much,

why don't you just do it full time?

- Because I helped build Deborah's empire.

I'm not gonna walk away from it.

- All that work is why you haven't met someone.

- Oh, okay. - Which really disappoints me,

'cause I wanna go to a gay wedding.

Girl, I've got an outfit that I wanna wear

that the straight people would just not understand.

- Oh, um, where are your dog bowls?

- I don't have a dog,

- so I don't have dog bowls. - Mm.

- See, that's gonna be a problem.

- Yeah. - Because I said

that pets were welcome. - Welcome.

- And, um, encouraged. - Encouraged.

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

I've just decided that I'll be staying at Deborah's tonight

and the cleaning lady will be here at noon tomorrow.

- Noon? - Oh, baby-baby, uh,

let's make it 1:00. - Let's make it 2:00,

'cause I wanna sleep in, you know.

- We love you! - Love you, too.

- He's mad. - What's wrong with him?

Why he don't like dogs?

- Hi! You look--

Hi.

- You look like a ball girl at the U.S. Open,

and not one of the fast ones.

She seems like herself.

Okay, Deborah.

I'll let, uh, Perla take it from here.

- Perla? No, oh, God, no. - Hello, Miss Deborah.

- Oh, God! Uhh--

- Are you okay? - Oh, no.

- Everything's okay. Miss Deborah and I

just have complicated history,

and she hate me very much.

Okay, let's get you into bed.

Nice and easy.

How are you feeling, my funny lady?

- Why are you speaking so slowly?

I didn't get brain surgery.

That's a good one. I'll be right back.

- Ahh, here. Come here.

- Yeah? - Uh, get her out.

- Okay, okay, I will--

Um, Perla, can we talk outside for a second?

- Yeah, of course. - Okay.

Ugh.

- Yeah?

- Um, maybe you could see

if there's another nurse available.

It's not--it's not personal. - Oh, no, I wish.

No, but we are very booked this weekend

so everybody is assigned. - Oh.

- Plus, Miss Deborah is long time patient.

And she's known for being, um, you know, bitchy.

- Yeah, awful. - Only Perla has special touch.

- Oh, wow. Okay.

Um, maybe you could just go

and let me handle some stuff for the next couple hours.

- Okay, yeah. I go for a bit.

She'll probably be sleeping for next few hours anyway.

Just make sure, if she needs bathroom,

you go with her, okay?

- Ah-- - Because she won't use walker.

Hm? She could faint.

- Yes. Of course.

I will accompany my boss to the bathroom.

- Okay, good, call me if she starts acting weird, okay?

- Okay, great. I'll--I'll let you know

if she says anything nice about me.

- You funny lady, too.

I take care of you when you get your chin fixed.

- What? Do I need--I need--

- Okay, bye-bye.

- Uhh--

Ohh, oh.

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

- Ew, no.

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

- Hello? - Hi, girl.

Do you mind coming to me tonight to hang?

I lost a contact in the back of my eye

and I think it's a little risky for me to drive.

- Shit. I'm sorry, Kiki.

I'm, like, an hour outside of Vegas.

I had to come with Deborah to this weird surgery place.

- Oh, bummer.

It's all good, though. Hope you're getting overtime?

- I'm not, but hey,

you don't know Deborah's phone passcode, do you?

- Mm, no. Sorry. Why do you need that?

Oh, did you try her birthday

but ten years earlier than what's on Wikipedia?

That might work. - Of course, I did.

It was the first thing I tried.

But no, I--I just--I had an awful night last night,

and I was really coked up and--

It doesn't matter.

I--I--I just--I left Deborah a voicemail,

and I need to delete it but her Face ID isn't working

'cause she just had surgery and her face is swollen.

- Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

I have an amazing idea but it's kinda insane.

- I will try anything.

- The museum will be closing in ten minutes.

- Oh, my God! Uncanny.

Wow! Okay.

Whoo! Oh, okay.

Whoo. Delete.

Ah, Wow.

Deb, you almost had me.

Whoo! Ha, ha!

♪ Good morning ♪

Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought my boss was in here,

not some young woman with perfect eyes.

Ah--no, no, no, no, no.

I'm supposed to walk you to the bathroom.

Come on, you don't have to do that.

- Have to? Get to.

- What's up with you today?

- Nothing, I'm just in a good mood.

7And I was told you were a fainting risk,

so either I can accompany you

or we can just get Perla back in here.

- Okay, fine. Fine, fine.

- Fine, I'll wait out here,

but I'm still gonna hold your hand.

Oh, Jesus.

- Good luck.

Sounds strong.

- God! - Oh, no you don't.

No, you don't.

Good morning, how are you?

Oh, my God, I love that.

Yeah, can I please have the chocolate chip pancakes?

You want the same? - Pancakes?

- Yeah. - I didn't come here

to look worse.

- Hold please. Come on.

You just had surgery. You can have a pancake.

Think about it, the yum melted chocolate,

the fluffy stacks, the sweet maple syrup?

Do you finish it with whipped cream?

They do.

- Have you never heard the expression

"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips"?

- Have you never heard the expression

"yum, yum in my tum, tum"?

- What is wrong with you? - A lot.

- Junk food's not worth it.

- Are you seriously gonna deprive yourself

of delicious food for the rest of your life?

You're never gonna have a McDonald's french fry

ever again? - No.

- Wow. Well, I hate to say it,

but you have disordered eating.

- It's a classic for a reason.

Okay, so yeah.

Just the pancakes and your healthy start plate.

Great. Thank you. And you know,

I actually do wanna order a couple more things.

- Worth the calories?

- Absolutely.

Huh, okay. Shall we work?

- Yes. Jokes.

Um, I should probably work from the bed, though.

- Yeah, it's good for creativity

and a healthful recovery.

- Yup. Mm.

- All right. Ah, this is better.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Should we close our eyes for a second?

- Yeah, if you want to, yeah. - We'll keep working.

- Of course, I mean, yeah, we would.

- Okay, so we'll close our eyes for a second, and we'll uh--

- Yeah. - We'll think of jokes.

- That sounds good, yeah. We can, um, think of...jokes.

- Coming.

Hi. - Hi.

Nice robe.

- Thanks.

- So someone called and made an anonymous tip

about the water usage on this property last night?

- Huh! - Huh.

- That's bizarre.

- Can I speak to Ms. Vance, please?

- She's away for the weekend.

- So were you going to invite me in, or what?

- Do come in.

- Wakey, wakey!

Time to check dressing, my funny lady.

- Perla! - We're working!

Oh, my God. - Come, sit up for me, darling.

- Oh, that's such a creepy way to be woken up.

- Do you see what I mean about her?

- Yes. - All right.

Let's get your tushy back. Thank you.

- Ugh. - How are you feeling today,

my funny lady? - I hurt.

I--I need another Vicodin, please.

- No, no, no, Miss Deborah. It's not time yet.

- Seriously, Perla.

I am in pa--ain. I need more painkiller now.

- You know, I shouldn't. I could get in trouble.

- Please?

- You know, for you, I give you half, okay?

But it's secret. There we go.

- Thank you. - All set.

Anything else I can do, be of assistance?

- No. Good bye. See you later. - I'll be back soon.

- Oh, good. - Bye, honey. Bye, darling.

- Bye, Perla.

Well, at least she gave you more, right?

- Mm, please.

It's basically children's Tylenol.

But my forehead is sore.

That doesn't usually happen. Is there a bruise there?

- No. No, nothing at all.

I--I wouldn't even think about it.

You know, I actually, I have some weed edibles on me

that help me with my cramps,

which, weirdly, I'm having early.

Do you--do you want some?

- No, I don't like marijuana.

I mean, I already feel like crap.

Why would I wanna take something

that makes me feel lazy and hungry too?

- Right, you-- you said you hated "grass."

at that Friar's Club Roast.

You had that bit about how Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young

were such stoners that the only reason

they called their band that is because they wanted

- to remember each other's names? - Oh, ha--

That was funny.

I had completely forgotten about that joke.

- I just saw it the other day, actually.

I'm-- I'm almost done digitizing.

I stayed late a couple nights last week.

It's actually kinda fun.

- You know the reason I wrote that was

'cause I had a crush on Graham Nash.

I thought that if he heard it, maybe he'd call me.

Ooh, Deborah.

I love that. Did he call?

- I don't know. I toured so much that year,

I didn't even have a home phone number.

I really--ugh.

You know what? I will take that pot pill.

- It's not a pill, it's a gummy, but great.

- And you can take one too if you want.

I was gonna anyway.

- Big surprise.

I'm traveling with a dope fiend.

You know, it's just as well

that Graham Nash never called me.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.

- Oh, no? - I hear he's into

transcendental meditation.

- What a weirdo. - Freak, yeah.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- That was fun. - Yes, it was.

- But next time, you can call

my cell phone and not the water tip hotline.

- What do you mean? - Hm. What do I mean?

"Hello, there. Uh, I just happened

to be walking my greyhound, Chessica."

- I did not say Chessica. - Yeah.

You said Chessica. Mm-hmm. - No.

My God, Chessica.

- This place is so weird. Everything's so nice.

It's all like 600 thread count sheets

you're supposed to bleed and ooze on.

- Oh, let me guess, you don't approve of plastic surgery.

- Honestly, I just keep forgetting

to have a take on it.

- I don't know. Look, it's either good or bad.

I don't have an opinion.

- Thank God. - Now, God I have a take on.

She doesn't exist.

Oh, I know. When we go back,

let's head back so we can go through the lobby.

They have this amazing cheese and nut spread

that they put out every night at 6:30. It's incredible.

- How many times have you been here?

- Five, six--no--

four--no, five.

Five? No, why can't I remember?

- 'Cause you're high.

I am.

I just thought of something really fun to do.

Come on. Come on.

- Perla! Perla! Come here!

You gave her too many painkillers.

- What? - She's not breathing.

- Oh, Miss Deborah! Miss Deborah.

No, no, no, no, no. Miss Deborah?

Please God, no!

You wish!

This is joke to you?

- You should have seen your face!

Oh, God. That was a good one.

- Oh, no, no, Perla. Don't cry, please don--

- How could you be so cruel, Miss Deborah?

You can't do that. It's not funny.

- I know, it was just a joke!

I didn't--we didn't mean it. I'm sorry.

- Why are you crying?

Okay, I don't like this. Perla, you can go.

I'm sorry.

- It's not funny!

- I thought it was funny.

Oh, it's okay. She'll get over it.

I mean, my God, she grew up in Russia.

I'm sorry.

I don't--I don't know why this is coming out now.

I'm just tired and-- I hooked up

with that guy you met at the Casino two nights ago.

And the next morning, he--

he killed himself.

- Jesus.

- Look, look on the bright side.

You know, at least you don't have to wonder now

- whether he's gonna call. - Deborah!

- I feel so bad.

Obviously, for him but also for me,

which makes me feel worse because it's not about me.

I think shitty things keep happening

because I've been a self-centered asshole.

It's all karma. I deserve it.

- Well, I mean you do have room for improvement.

But karma's not real, otherwise my ex-husband

would've been the one to suffer.

Instead of, you know, living a charmed life

and dying peacefully in his hot tub.

- Well, not to get too into the weeds or anything,

but he sorta got his when you burned down his house, no?

- I didn't burn down his house.

- What?

- It was a fucking dryer fire. I wasn't even there.

I had taken DJ to a friend's house

when I found out about him and Kathy.

- Hold on, you tell that joke all the time.

- It's a joke. It's not true.

- Well, everyone thinks you did it.

- Mm-hmm.

- Why didn't you say something?

- Well, I did say something to everyone back then.

But Frank blamed me, and they all believed him,

you know, including the cops.

You know, Frank even went to the press and bad-mouthed me.

If I was crazy enough to torch the house, you know,

the poor guy must have been driven

into the arms of my baby sister.

Ugh, whatever.

Do you know how to play mahjong?

- No. - I could teach you

in 45 minutes.

Mm, maybe an hour.

- Hold on. This guy defamed your ass?

He sounds psycho. I wanna fucking kill him.

Well, he's dead.

He was jealous.

He hated that I was gonna have a late-night show

so he just...

blew everything up.

He made me the crazy woman who burned down the house.

Our sitcom was cancelled, and I was broke.

I know they have boards around here.

- Hey. We're not playing mahjong, all right?

So you were broke?

You didn't have any money from your show?

- What can I say?

I was a stupid 25-year-old, you know.

I didn't read contracts. Everything was in his name.

And after the divorce, I had to rent

a little studio apartment and basically start over.

You know what the worst part was?

- What?

- I had to start doing my own hair and makeup again.

Okay, that is sad.

It was tragic.

- So anyway, I had to make money,

so I started doing stand-up.

And one night, in this little club,

I made this offhand joke

about burning down my ex-husband's house.

It killed. I'd hit a vein.

So I leaned into that joke, even though it wasn't true.

You know, hey, might as well make money off it, right?

And I realized that people would rather laugh at me

than believe me.

You know what else?

- What?

- I do want a fucking McDonald's french fry.

- It would be my honor.

Where's my phone? Fuck.

- It's good pot.

- Wow. - I told you.

Now you gotta dip it in the ice cream. It's--

- Oh, too much. - Too soon. Fine.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm, my stomach really hurts.

I wonder why.

- Man, Frank musta been a great actor

'cause he seemed like such a good husband

on "Who's Making Dinner?"

- He was a good husband.

For a little while.

You know, he made me laugh.

We made each other funnier.

It was his idea that we do a stage show

about being a couple.

I didn't even think

that that was possible until he said it.

And we got to make it into a TV show.

It was amazing...

until it wasn't.

- I know you're not a fan, but

ha-have you considered--

- Therapy?

I did therapy.

It was part of our custody thingy, you know.

Unfortunately, the guy was less interested in analysis

and more interested in feeling me up.

- Oh, my God! Are you serious?

Ugh!

You know, I had to get, uh, a clean bill of mental health

or I couldn't see my little girl, you know.

So, you know, we went on a few dates.

Uh, and then, after a while, you know, I broke up with him

and he--he wanted to do couples therapy.

Oh, my God!

Are you fucking serious?

No!

Ugh, they always try to get you to do a threesome.

That's--you're making me--

I'm gonna--I'm gonna pop a stitch!

- That is absolutely crazy.

Well, that was just the '70s.

And you haven't even heard about when the Vatican

had it in for me.

- What? - Yes.

- You have to talk about this in your act, all of it.

I mean, this shit is insane and no one has any idea.

No, no one wants to hear me

complain about the past.

Also, I told you. Nobody believed me.

- Come on.

You can change your face but not your act?

- It's cha-- I didn't change my face.

I refreshed it.

That's something that you should remember.

Refresh, don't redo.

- People would want to hear this, okay?

People either want raw honesty

or fuckin' ASMR videos of girls eating soap.

- I have no idea what that means.

- I'll tell you later.

People don't know half the shit that you've done.

You were almost the first woman to host a late-night show.

- Oh, operative word being "almost"!

It's sad. It's all just sad.

Is that why you want me to talk about it,

'cause people think it's highbrow now

to tell sad stories?

- No, I think you should say it because it's the truth

and it might just be nice

to finally fucking say it out loud.

You owe yourself that, I think.

But it's not funny.

- We've been laughing.

That's because we're stoned.

- Yeah.

But you can make it funny.

You can make anything funny.

- I think I did irritate my stitches.

Can you get me an ice pack?

- Yeah.

Oh, fuck! - Ava!

- Oh, my God! I think something's really wrong.

- Are you joking? Are you joking?

- No! - What do I do?

Do I call goddamn Perla? She's--

Oh, my God!

- Deborah? - Perla!

Perla, call an ambulance! - Okay, if this is

one of your jokes, I'm not buying it.

- No, it's not a joke! She's in agony!

Call an ambulance! - I don't believe you!

- Are you a fucking nurse, or what?

- I'm a fantastic nurse!

I won award two years in a row!

- Get her an ambulance!

- Ahh!

I'm calling an ambulance!

- Do you have any drugs in your system?

- Uh, cocaine, uh, molly--

- Marijuana. - Marijuana, yeah, marijuana.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Sounds fun. - Yeah.

- Sounds like you're dehydrated.

- No. No, I drink, like, a glass of water a month.

I'm always dehydrated. This is way worse.

It--I think it's my appendix.

Miss, I know everyone has the internet now

but leave the diagnosis to me, hm?

All right? You just need fluids.

- Hey, listen to her, you little prick.

You're gonna examine her appendix then do a scan,

and you're gonna do it quickly.

I am very litigious.

And I would love nothing more than to bury you

in more debt than medical school ever could.

- RogerLynn, let's get a CT scan

on Ms. Daniels, please. -CT!

- Thank you. - You are welcome. Okay.

- Yes. Bye.

- Hello? - I got Perla again.

Oh.

- Otherwise? - It's good.

I mean, I think we got a lot done.

- Good.

- Oh, I got you those pecan rolls you like.

- Thank you.

- So can you run me through the schedule

for Friday's shoot again?

- Sure. Friday--

- Hm.

Hi.

- She lives!

- What happened? - You had emergency surgery.

You had an ovarian cyst that burst.

- Oh, Jesus. - But you're gonna be okay.

I'm glad you're awake, though.

I just remembered something that happened a long time ago.

I had to do a set in Spanish at El Matador in Tijuana.

And I killed, which was weird

because I don't speak a word of Spanish.

Apparently, one of my boobs was out.

Wait, though. Don't--don't make me laugh.

You're gonna ruin my stitches.

- Oh, you don't have stitches. It was laparoscopic.

- So you're considering it?

What I pitched.

- No.

But maybe I'll sprinkle in a few stories,

you know, on a Wednesday.

Anyway, I will forever love the Tijuanans because apparently,

they were trying to warn me about my boob the entire show.

You know, I thought that "teta" meant "encore."

Really, more? You want more?

Yeah, I'll bet they wanted-- they wanted the other boob out!

Oh, my God. Oh, and then the bus ride back.

Oh, the driver was in a mood.

I asked him really nicely to drive the bus with both hands,

'cause he was stuffing his face with this giant,

disgusting sandwich with one hand

and driving with the other.

- So he didn't like me until he found out

that I was doing a comedy show.

♪ Now that you know ♪

♪ It's nowhere ♪

Corrected & improved by == Flatto (subscene.com) ==

♪ What's to stop you coming home? ♪

♪ All you gotta do is go there ♪

♪ Then you really realize what's going down ♪

♪ Went to a strange land searching ♪

♪ For a truth you felt was wrong ♪

♪ That's when the heartache started ♪

♪ Though you're where you wanna be ♪

♪ You're not where you belong ♪