All language subtitles for Hacks S01E06

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- This is Marcus.
- Hey, friend!

- Who is this?
- It's Ava.

You don't have
my number saved?

- No. What's up?
Is everything okay with her?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah,
no, no, no, absolutely.

Everything's great.
Deborah's great.

She's just, um,
she's still in surgery.

I was just wondering--

You know what?
I was wondering.

Do you--do you happen to know
her, um, her phone passcode?

- And why do you need that?
- Um, you know,

I was actually thinking
I should probably

take some
goofy selfies on her phone.

You know, just to cheer her up
when she wakes up.

- Well, while that definitely
sounds like something

she'd love,
I can't help you.

I don't have the code.
She uses Face ID.

Face ID, fuck!

Um, you know what, Marcus?

You can--you can go ahead
and save my number,

if you want, 'cause you know,
we're kinda becoming

friends.

- I will.
- Okay, bye.

== Hacks ==
Season 1 - Episode 6

Oh, no.

Should've tried 'em on.

Episode Title: "New Eyes"
Aired on: May 26, 2021

- Girl, did Andre try

to sell you some of his
edge growth formula?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you think it works?
- Do you think it works?

Don't forget,
he thinks the earth is flat.

That boy's an idiot.

- Yeah, he's a fool.
- Oh, girl.

We gotta stop buyin'--
- Mom, if you're gonna

housesit,
at least close the door.

- Honey, why are you home?

- Change of plans.

I'm not going anymore.

And Costco, Mom?

You said you were having a few
people over, not a frat party.

- I am. I am.
I'm--it's not a party.

- Miss Loretta, what's that?

- This?
- Mm-hmm.

- Party platter.

- This is why your building
banned parties.

No! No, no.

- We got banned because they're
losers and they're jealous.

- They're jealous.
- That hole in the wall,

that coulda been made
by anything.

- The keg-shaped hole
in the wall

could've been made by anything?

- That's the one, yeah.

Okay.

- Well, anyway,
now that you're here,

come help me slice fruit
for the sangria.

- No, I'm just here
to get my camera.

Sanford's showing me
some properties in Huntridge.

- Oh, of course.

You got the weekend off
from work,

so you're gonna
fill it with more work.

Honey, you have caught
a disease from Deborah,

and it's called workaholism.

-Mm, that's bad.
- Mom--

- Hm?
- Flipping houses for me

is not work, it's pleasure.

- Well, if you love
it that much,

why don't you just
do it full time?

- Because I helped build
Deborah's empire.

I'm not gonna
walk away from it.

- All that work is why
you haven't met someone.

- Oh, okay.
- Which really disappoints me,

'cause I wanna go
to a gay wedding.

Girl, I've got an outfit
that I wanna wear

that the straight people
would just not understand.

- Oh, um, where are
your dog bowls?

- I don't have a dog,

- so I don't have dog bowls.
- Mm.

- See, that's gonna be
a problem.

- Yeah.
- Because I said

that pets were welcome.
- Welcome.

- And, um, encouraged.
- Encouraged.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right.

I've just decided that I'll be
staying at Deborah's tonight

and the cleaning lady
will be here at noon tomorrow.

- Noon?
- Oh, baby-baby, uh,

let's make it 1:00.
- Let's make it 2:00,

'cause I wanna sleep in,
you know.

- We love you!
- Love you, too.

- He's mad.
- What's wrong with him?

Why he don't like dogs?

- Hi! You look--

Hi.

- You look like a ball girl
at the U.S. Open,

and not one of the fast ones.

She seems like herself.

Okay, Deborah.

I'll let, uh,
Perla take it from here.

- Perla? No, oh, God, no.
- Hello, Miss Deborah.

- Oh, God! Uhh--

- Are you okay?
- Oh, no.

- Everything's okay.
Miss Deborah and I

just have complicated history,

and she hate me very much.

Okay, let's get you into bed.

Nice and easy.

How are you feeling,
my funny lady?

- Why are you speaking
so slowly?

I didn't get brain surgery.

That's a good one.
I'll be right back.

- Ahh, here.
Come here.

- Yeah?
- Uh, get her out.

- Okay, okay, I will--

Um, Perla, can we talk outside
for a second?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.

Ugh.

- Yeah?

- Um, maybe you could see

if there's
another nurse available.

It's not--it's not personal.
- Oh, no, I wish.

No, but we are very booked
this weekend

so everybody is assigned.
- Oh.

- Plus, Miss Deborah
is long time patient.

And she's known for being, um,
you know, bitchy.

- Yeah, awful.
- Only Perla has special touch.

- Oh, wow.
Okay.

Um, maybe you could just go

and let me handle some stuff
for the next couple hours.

- Okay, yeah.
I go for a bit.

She'll probably be sleeping
for next few hours anyway.

Just make sure,
if she needs bathroom,

you go with her, okay?

- Ah--
- Because she won't use walker.

Hm? She could faint.

- Yes. Of course.

I will accompany
my boss to the bathroom.

- Okay, good, call me if she
starts acting weird, okay?

- Okay, great.
I'll--I'll let you know

if she says
anything nice about me.

- You funny lady, too.

I take care of you
when you get your chin fixed.

- What?
Do I need--I need--

- Okay, bye-bye.

- Uhh--

Ohh, oh.

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

- Ew, no.

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Feel my needs ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

- Hello?
- Hi, girl.

Do you mind coming
to me tonight to hang?

I lost a contact
in the back of my eye

and I think it's a little risky
for me to drive.

- Shit. I'm sorry, Kiki.

I'm, like,
an hour outside of Vegas.

I had to come with Deborah
to this weird surgery place.

- Oh, bummer.

It's all good, though.
Hope you're getting overtime?

- I'm not, but hey,

you don't know Deborah's
phone passcode, do you?

- Mm, no. Sorry.
Why do you need that?

Oh, did you try her birthday

but ten years earlier
than what's on Wikipedia?

That might work.
- Of course, I did.

It was the first thing
I tried.

But no, I--I just--I had
an awful night last night,

and I was really coked up and--

It doesn't matter.

I--I--I just--I left
Deborah a voicemail,

and I need to delete it
but her Face ID isn't working

'cause she just had surgery
and her face is swollen.

- Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

I have an amazing idea
but it's kinda insane.

- I will try anything.

- The museum will be closing
in ten minutes.

- Oh, my God!
Uncanny.

Wow!
Okay.

Whoo! Oh, okay.

Whoo.
Delete.

Ah, Wow.

Deb, you almost had me.

Whoo! Ha, ha!

♪ Good morning ♪

Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought
my boss was in here,

not some young woman
with perfect eyes.

Ah--no, no, no, no, no.

I'm supposed to walk you
to the bathroom.

Come on, you don't
have to do that.

- Have to?
Get to.

- What's up with you today?

- Nothing,
I'm just in a good mood.

7And I was told you were
a fainting risk,

so either I can accompany you

or we can just get
Perla back in here.

- Okay, fine.
Fine, fine.

- Fine, I'll wait out here,

but I'm still gonna
hold your hand.

Oh, Jesus.

- Good luck.

Sounds strong.

- God!
- Oh, no you don't.

No, you don't.

Good morning, how are you?

Oh, my God, I love that.

Yeah, can I please have
the chocolate chip pancakes?

You want the same?
- Pancakes?

- Yeah.
- I didn't come here

to look worse.

- Hold please.
Come on.

You just had surgery.
You can have a pancake.

Think about it,
the yum melted chocolate,

the fluffy stacks,
the sweet maple syrup?

Do you finish it
with whipped cream?

They do.

- Have you never heard
the expression

"A moment on the lips,
a lifetime on the hips"?

- Have you never heard
the expression

"yum, yum in my tum, tum"?

- What is wrong with you?
- A lot.

- Junk food's not worth it.

- Are you seriously gonna
deprive yourself

of delicious food
for the rest of your life?

You're never gonna have
a McDonald's french fry

ever again?
- No.

- Wow.
Well, I hate to say it,

but you have disordered eating.

- It's a classic for a reason.

Okay, so yeah.

Just the pancakes
and your healthy start plate.

Great. Thank you.
And you know,

I actually do wanna order
a couple more things.

- Worth the calories?

- Absolutely.

Huh, okay.
Shall we work?

- Yes. Jokes.

Um, I should probably work
from the bed, though.

- Yeah, it's good
for creativity

and a healthful recovery.

- Yup. Mm.

- All right.
Ah, this is better.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Should we close our eyes
for a second?

- Yeah, if you want to, yeah.
- We'll keep working.

- Of course,
I mean, yeah, we would.

- Okay, so we'll close our eyes
for a second, and we'll uh--

- Yeah.
- We'll think of jokes.

- That sounds good, yeah.
We can, um, think of...jokes.

- Coming.

Hi.
- Hi.

Nice robe.

- Thanks.

- So someone called and made
an anonymous tip

about the water usage
on this property last night?

- Huh!
- Huh.

- That's bizarre.

- Can I speak
to Ms. Vance, please?

- She's away for the weekend.

- So were you going to
invite me in, or what?

- Do come in.

- Wakey, wakey!

Time to check dressing,
my funny lady.

- Perla!
- We're working!

Oh, my God.
- Come, sit up for me, darling.

- Oh, that's such a creepy way
to be woken up.

- Do you see
what I mean about her?

- Yes.
- All right.

Let's get your tushy back.
Thank you.

- Ugh.
- How are you feeling today,

my funny lady?
- I hurt.

I--I need another
Vicodin, please.

- No, no, no, Miss Deborah.
It's not time yet.

- Seriously, Perla.

I am in pa--ain.
I need more painkiller now.

- You know, I shouldn't.
I could get in trouble.

- Please?

- You know, for you,
I give you half, okay?

But it's secret.
There we go.

- Thank you.
- All set.

Anything else I can do,
be of assistance?

- No. Good bye. See you later.
- I'll be back soon.

- Oh, good.
- Bye, honey. Bye, darling.

- Bye, Perla.

Well, at least she gave you
more, right?

- Mm, please.

It's basically
children's Tylenol.

But my forehead is sore.

That doesn't usually happen.
Is there a bruise there?

- No. No, nothing at all.

I--I wouldn't even
think about it.

You know, I actually,
I have some weed edibles on me

that help me with my cramps,

which, weirdly,
I'm having early.

Do you--do you want some?

- No, I don't like marijuana.

I mean,
I already feel like crap.

Why would I wanna
take something

that makes me feel lazy
and hungry too?

- Right, you--
you said you hated "grass."

at that Friar's Club Roast.

You had that bit about how
Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young

were such stoners
that the only reason

they called their band that
is because they wanted

- to remember each other's names?
- Oh, ha--

That was funny.

I had completely forgotten
about that joke.

- I just saw it the other day,
actually.

I'm--
I'm almost done digitizing.

I stayed late
a couple nights last week.

It's actually kinda fun.

- You know the reason
I wrote that was

'cause I had a crush
on Graham Nash.

I thought that if he heard it,
maybe he'd call me.

Ooh, Deborah.

I love that.
Did he call?

- I don't know.
I toured so much that year,

I didn't even have
a home phone number.

I really--ugh.

You know what?
I will take that pot pill.

- It's not a pill,
it's a gummy, but great.

- And you can
take one too if you want.

I was gonna anyway.

- Big surprise.

I'm traveling
with a dope fiend.

You know, it's just as well

that Graham Nash
never called me.

It wouldn't have
worked out anyway.

- Oh, no?
- I hear he's into

transcendental meditation.

- What a weirdo.
- Freak, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- That was fun.
- Yes, it was.

- But next time,
you can call

my cell phone
and not the water tip hotline.

- What do you mean?
- Hm. What do I mean?

"Hello, there.
Uh, I just happened

to be walking
my greyhound, Chessica."

- I did not say Chessica.
- Yeah.

You said Chessica. Mm-hmm.
- No.

My God, Chessica.

- This place is so weird.
Everything's so nice.

It's all like 600 thread
count sheets

you're supposed to bleed
and ooze on.

- Oh, let me guess, you don't
approve of plastic surgery.

- Honestly,
I just keep forgetting

to have a take on it.

- I don't know.
Look, it's either good or bad.

I don't have an opinion.

- Thank God.
- Now, God I have a take on.

She doesn't exist.

Oh, I know.
When we go back,

let's head back
so we can go through the lobby.

They have this amazing cheese
and nut spread

that they put out every night
at 6:30. It's incredible.

- How many times
have you been here?

- Five, six--no--

four--no, five.

Five?
No, why can't I remember?

- 'Cause you're high.

I am.

I just thought of
something really fun to do.

Come on. Come on.

- Perla! Perla!
Come here!

You gave her
too many painkillers.

- What?
- She's not breathing.

- Oh, Miss Deborah!
Miss Deborah.

No, no, no, no, no.
Miss Deborah?

Please God, no!

You wish!

This is joke to you?

- You should have seen
your face!

Oh, God.
That was a good one.

- Oh, no, no, Perla.
Don't cry, please don--

- How could you be so cruel,
Miss Deborah?

You can't do that.
It's not funny.

- I know, it was just a joke!

I didn't--we didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.

- Why are you crying?

Okay, I don't like this.
Perla, you can go.

I'm sorry.

- It's not funny!

- I thought it was funny.

Oh, it's okay.
She'll get over it.

I mean, my God,
she grew up in Russia.

I'm sorry.

I don't--I don't know
why this is coming out now.

I'm just tired and--
I hooked up

with that guy you met
at the Casino two nights ago.

And the next morning, he--

he killed himself.

- Jesus.

- Look, look on
the bright side.

You know, at least you don't
have to wonder now

- whether he's gonna call.
- Deborah!

- I feel so bad.

Obviously, for him
but also for me,

which makes me feel worse
because it's not about me.

I think shitty things
keep happening

because I've been
a self-centered asshole.

It's all karma.
I deserve it.

- Well, I mean you do have room
for improvement.

But karma's not real,
otherwise my ex-husband

would've been
the one to suffer.

Instead of, you know,
living a charmed life

and dying peacefully
in his hot tub.

- Well, not to get too into
the weeds or anything,

but he sorta got his when you
burned down his house, no?

- I didn't burn down
his house.

- What?

- It was a fucking dryer fire.
I wasn't even there.

I had taken DJ
to a friend's house

when I found out
about him and Kathy.

- Hold on, you tell that joke
all the time.

- It's a joke.
It's not true.

- Well, everyone thinks
you did it.

- Mm-hmm.

- Why didn't you say something?

- Well, I did say something
to everyone back then.

But Frank blamed me,
and they all believed him,

you know, including the cops.

You know, Frank even went to
the press and bad-mouthed me.

If I was crazy enough
to torch the house, you know,

the poor guy
must have been driven

into the arms
of my baby sister.

Ugh, whatever.

Do you know
how to play mahjong?

- No.
- I could teach you

in 45 minutes.

Mm, maybe an hour.

- Hold on.
This guy defamed your ass?

He sounds psycho.
I wanna fucking kill him.

Well, he's dead.

He was jealous.

He hated that I was gonna have
a late-night show

so he just...

blew everything up.

He made me the crazy woman
who burned down the house.

Our sitcom was cancelled,
and I was broke.

I know they have
boards around here.

- Hey. We're not playing
mahjong, all right?

So you were broke?

You didn't have any money
from your show?

- What can I say?

I was a stupid 25-year-old,
you know.

I didn't read contracts.
Everything was in his name.

And after the divorce,
I had to rent

a little studio apartment
and basically start over.

You know what
the worst part was?

- What?

- I had to start doing
my own hair and makeup again.

Okay, that is sad.

It was tragic.

- So anyway,
I had to make money,

so I started doing stand-up.

And one night,
in this little club,

I made this offhand joke

about burning down
my ex-husband's house.

It killed.
I'd hit a vein.

So I leaned into that joke,
even though it wasn't true.

You know, hey, might as well
make money off it, right?

And I realized that people
would rather laugh at me

than believe me.

You know what else?

- What?

- I do want a fucking
McDonald's french fry.

- It would be my honor.

Where's my phone?
Fuck.

- It's good pot.

- Wow.
- I told you.

Now you gotta dip it in
the ice cream. It's--

- Oh, too much.
- Too soon. Fine.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm, my stomach really hurts.

I wonder why.

- Man, Frank musta been
a great actor

'cause he seemed like such
a good husband

on "Who's Making Dinner?"

- He was a good husband.

For a little while.

You know, he made me laugh.

We made each other funnier.

It was his idea
that we do a stage show

about being a couple.

I didn't even think

that that was possible
until he said it.

And we got to make it
into a TV show.

It was amazing...

until it wasn't.

- I know you're
not a fan, but

ha-have you considered--

- Therapy?

I did therapy.

It was part of
our custody thingy, you know.

Unfortunately, the guy
was less interested in analysis

and more interested
in feeling me up.

- Oh, my God!
Are you serious?

Ugh!

You know, I had to get, uh,
a clean bill of mental health

or I couldn't see
my little girl, you know.

So, you know,
we went on a few dates.

Uh, and then, after a while,
you know, I broke up with him

and he--he wanted
to do couples therapy.

Oh, my God!

Are you fucking serious?

No!

Ugh, they always try
to get you to do a threesome.

That's--you're making me--

I'm gonna--I'm gonna
pop a stitch!

- That is absolutely crazy.

Well, that was just the '70s.

And you haven't even heard
about when the Vatican

had it in for me.

- What?
- Yes.

- You have to talk about this
in your act, all of it.

I mean, this shit is insane
and no one has any idea.

No, no one wants to hear me

complain about the past.

Also, I told you.
Nobody believed me.

- Come on.

You can change your face
but not your act?

- It's cha--
I didn't change my face.

I refreshed it.

That's something
that you should remember.

Refresh, don't redo.

- People would want
to hear this, okay?

People either want raw honesty

or fuckin' ASMR videos
of girls eating soap.

- I have no idea
what that means.

- I'll tell you later.

People don't know half the shit
that you've done.

You were almost the first woman
to host a late-night show.

- Oh, operative word
being "almost"!

It's sad.
It's all just sad.

Is that why you want me
to talk about it,

'cause people think
it's highbrow now

to tell sad stories?

- No, I think you should say it
because it's the truth

and it might just be nice

to finally fucking say it
out loud.

You owe yourself that,
I think.

But it's not funny.

- We've been laughing.

That's because we're stoned.

- Yeah.

But you can make it funny.

You can make anything funny.

- I think I did irritate
my stitches.

Can you get me an ice pack?

- Yeah.

Oh, fuck!
- Ava!

- Oh, my God! I think
something's really wrong.

- Are you joking?
Are you joking?

- No!
- What do I do?

Do I call goddamn Perla?
She's--

Oh, my God!

- Deborah?
- Perla!

Perla, call an ambulance!
- Okay, if this is

one of your jokes,
I'm not buying it.

- No, it's not a joke!
She's in agony!

Call an ambulance!
- I don't believe you!

- Are you a fucking nurse,
or what?

- I'm a fantastic nurse!

I won award two years
in a row!

- Get her an ambulance!

- Ahh!

I'm calling an ambulance!

- Do you have any drugs
in your system?

- Uh, cocaine, uh, molly--

- Marijuana.
- Marijuana, yeah, marijuana.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Sounds fun.
- Yeah.

- Sounds like
you're dehydrated.

- No. No, I drink, like,
a glass of water a month.

I'm always dehydrated.
This is way worse.

It--I think it's my appendix.

Miss, I know
everyone has the internet now

but leave
the diagnosis to me, hm?

All right?
You just need fluids.

- Hey, listen to her,
you little prick.

You're gonna examine
her appendix then do a scan,

and you're gonna
do it quickly.

I am very litigious.

And I would love nothing
more than to bury you

in more debt
than medical school ever could.

- RogerLynn,
let's get a CT scan

on Ms. Daniels, please.
-CT!

- Thank you.
- You are welcome. Okay.

- Yes. Bye.

- Hello?
- I got Perla again.

Oh.

- Otherwise?
- It's good.

I mean,
I think we got a lot done.

- Good.

- Oh, I got you those
pecan rolls you like.

- Thank you.

- So can you run me
through the schedule

for Friday's shoot again?

- Sure.
Friday--

- Hm.

Hi.

- She lives!

- What happened?
- You had emergency surgery.

You had an ovarian cyst
that burst.

- Oh, Jesus.
- But you're gonna be okay.

I'm glad you're awake, though.

I just remembered something
that happened a long time ago.

I had to do a set in Spanish
at El Matador in Tijuana.

And I killed,
which was weird

because I don't speak
a word of Spanish.

Apparently,
one of my boobs was out.

Wait, though.
Don't--don't make me laugh.

You're gonna ruin my stitches.

- Oh, you don't have stitches.
It was laparoscopic.

- So you're considering it?

What I pitched.

- No.

But maybe I'll sprinkle
in a few stories,

you know, on a Wednesday.

Anyway, I will forever love the
Tijuanans because apparently,

they were trying to warn me
about my boob the entire show.

You know, I thought that "teta"
meant "encore."

Really, more? You want more?

Yeah, I'll bet they wanted--
they wanted the other boob out!

Oh, my God.
Oh, and then the bus ride back.

Oh, the driver was in a mood.

I asked him really nicely to
drive the bus with both hands,

'cause he was stuffing
his face with this giant,

disgusting sandwich
with one hand

and driving with the other.

- So he didn't like me
until he found out

that I was doing
a comedy show.

♪ Now that you know ♪

♪ It's nowhere ♪

Corrected & improved by
== Flatto (subscene.com) ==

♪ What's to stop you coming home? ♪

♪ All you gotta do is go there ♪

♪ Then you really realize what's going down ♪

♪ Went to a strange land searching ♪

♪ For a truth you felt was wrong ♪

♪ That's when the heartache started ♪

♪ Though you're where you wanna be ♪

♪ You're not where you belong ♪