Original subtitles

- Yeah, I also have a lot of gay fans.

Oh, and some of them

clearly couldn't get tickets

to "Magic Mike Live" tonight.

I also have a lot of gay enemies.

Or as I like to call them, my exes.

The gays have so many terms, right?

I can't keep up. There's top, bottom,

bear, twink, daddy.

A fan told me the other night-- a fan told me the other night--

a fan told me after the show the other night

that if I was gay, I would be a power top--

power top, power top.

Which, by the way, are 40% off at Ann Taylor right now.

I think he's wrong, though.

You know, I don't think there's a term

for the kind of gay man that I would be.

I mean, I'm rich. I wear fabulous clothes.

I love jewelry. Haven't been laid in years.

Oh, my God, I'm the pope!

== Hacks == Season 1 - Episode 5

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Not as good as last night, but not bad.

I'm still Deborah Vance. Good night, Las Vegas!

Episode Title: "Falling" Aired on: May 26, 2021

- I'm sure you're tired of hearing it,

because I'm tired of saying it,

but the TV in my room is still not working.

- Okay.

- Yeah, um, well, it's just--

it's really important that I have a working TV

'cause I'm a working TV writer.

- Yeah, I've heard. - Yeah.

I would just watch on my laptop,

but I'm trying to cut down on my screen time.

- TV is a screen.

- Yeah, but it's a second-tier screen.

It's basically like reading a book at this point.

Oh, also, I need more toothpaste.

- Well, as you know, the free mini toothpaste

is a guest privilege, and you are a--what, a resident?

- Yeah, and that's way sadder,

which is why I deserve the free toothpaste.

I mean, it's right behind you. I can see it.

Okay, it's not, but you looked...

- Good, mm-hmm. - Which means you know

it's nearby. - Yeah.

- Can you help me out? - Excuse me.

- Yeah? - Uh, could I get a toothpaste?

- Are you gonna give it to her?

- No.

- Here you go.

- Thank you so much. - Mm-hmm.

- There you go. - Well, thanks.

- God damn it. - No problem.

- My God.

- Have a good one. - Good job.

- All right.

- Hey, I'm gonna take my break. All right?

- Oh, and, um, then I thought you could tag it with

"makes me miss my bunions."

- Oh, that's good.

- Oh. Great.

- Well, it's a punch line.

- Yeah.

Um, oh, and you know how

in the '70s, you had that bit about

hanging yourself with your tampon string?

- Yeah, it was genius.

- Well, I was thinking we could update it.

Maybe something about drowning yourself

in your Diva cup?

- What's a Diva cup?

- Yeah, so it's, like, a-- it's, like, a silicone cup

that you kinda fold up like a taco and...

Just pop in there.

Technically, they're not dishwasher safe,

but I toss 'em in there anyway.

- Remind me to never have dinner at your house.

No, my audience doesn't know

what a Diva cup is, and they don't want to.

- Okay, I just don't think we should be writing jokes

for a bunch of Panera people.

People who eat at Panera.

- Oh, you little shit.

Just because they don't live in LA

or New York doesn't mean that what they think is funny

is any less valuable than what you think is funny.

- Mm. It kinda does, though.

I mean, have you seen some of the stuff

these people buy on Etsy?

It's all, like, coffee mugs

about how, "Actually, it's wine in there."

- So you're telling me that if a lot of people think

something is funny, it's not.

- Kinda, yeah.

- Ohh, you're that girl

who never got to sit with the cool kids

at the lunch table, and she just never got over it.

- We had walk-away lunch. - Well, there's a whole lot

of other people in the cafeteria,

and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be.

- Deborah, the car's here. - Oh, great.

- Um, I'm sorry.

I thought we were working this afternoon.

- I am working.

I'm gonna go work Marty

into not cutting my dates.

- Okay, I just think we should be concentrating on, like,

the actual material.

- Thanks for the tip.

- All right, see you tomorrow.

- Actually, you'll see me Sunday.

Marcus and I are going on a retreat.

Oh, while I'm gone, didn't you say

you wanted to get your mustache waxed?

- No. - Oh.

Guess I just thought it.

- Deborah, please don't go nuclear with Marty.

- I will play nice. - Mm-hmm, and you'll meet me

at 7:00 for dinner with the Cincher sisters?

- Wait, the what with whom? - They're the sisters

behind Cincher's, the shapewear brand.

Dinner's at 7:00 p.m. sharp. - Right.

I got it, I got it. Don't worry, Marcus.

I got it all under control.

Well, he's into sound baths, right?

Get him a gong. - He's Japanese.

- So? - So it could be insulting.

- He's leaving you to work for your competitor.

It should be insulting. - Oh, you.

Yeah, you're right.

- Oh, time to get down to business.

- What?

What's this? - Uh, a Seurat,

two Gerhard Richters,

a complete set of Pierre Jeanneret chairs.

The list goes on and on. It's all in there.

I must say, Ivy has impeccable taste.

She might be a keeper.

But paying for your assets through your corporation,

isn't that a big no-no?

Because if your personal net worth is actually more

than what you claimed, couldn't your ex-wives

renegotiate their alimony agreements?

Eh, what do I know? I'm just a washed-up comedian

with a firm grasp of family law.

- What do you want? - Well, as a woman,

I feel that I have an obligation

to share this information with your ex-wives.

- Aw, what a feminist. - Unless you want to, uh,

rethink your taking away my weekend shows?

- Oh, so you're fucking with my personal life

over a couple of dates?

Which is unfair, since you don't have

a personal life to fuck with.

- Well, it looks like you have about 20 seconds to decide.

- Hi! - You--

- Should we do a countdown? Oh, let's!

Ten, nine, eight-- - Really?

- Fine! - Wonderful!

You can keep those. I've got copies.

What a rush!

I should blackmail more often.

Rina, hi! You look fabulous.

- Hi. - Oh, don't worry.

Marty was just leaving. - Rina!

Hi. - Hi.

How are you? - I am fabulous.

- Ugh, what was he drinking? - Mm-hmm.

- He always drinks the weirdest shit.

- Let's get you a real drink. - Thank you.

- Excuse me.

- I don't know how many times I have to come down here

and say this. TV is a priority for me,

and as a resident, I truly--

- Oh, my God, Ava!

Holy shit!

- Oh, my God.

My literal queens! I haven't seen you in so long!

How are you?

- Wow, it's been so long. How have you been?

- Oh, so good! Amazing!

I--I'm so happy to see you.

- I'm Hallie. - Hey, hi.

- Oh, so rude of us.

Um, Hallie, this is Ava.

She used to write comedy with us.

- "Used to"?

- Did you just say you live here?

- Well-- - Yeah, she does.

- Oh. - Um, I mean, it's for a gig.

It's temporary. I'm working.

But honestly, it's been so nice to get out of the LA bubble.

You know what I mean? Just, like, fresh perspective,

be with real people.

It's been, like, gorg',

amazing. - Right.

- Right. - Right.

- Hey, are you guys free tonight?

I would love to hang out. I can show you around.

I've got, like, a lot of spots I love.

- We've actually gotta turn in early

'cause we have spa appointments in the morning, so...

- Yeah. - I'll text you, though.

- Okay, yeah. Um, oh!

Just little Vegas life hack for you.

Um, sometimes when old people

are on a roll at a slot machine,

they'll piss and shit themselves in their seat

rather than get up, so...

Always look before you sit.

- So good seeing you. - Yeah.

Thanks for the tip.

- Uh, here's another toothpaste.

That was so awkward. I feel bad.

Hi, pancake!

- Can we finally hang tonight? - Ooh, can't tonight.

Tomorrow? - Yeah, yeah.

- Hey! Toothpaste girl!

- You know each other? - Yeah, we go way back.

I'm her toothpaste dealer.

- Well, you're a terrible dealer.

You didn't even charge me.

- Well, the first one's always free.

I'm George. - Ava.

- Well, I think this is a very good omen.

I feel like we're about to win a bunch of money together.

I'm all in. - He's all in.

Okay, Ava.

What do you think? Do you want to hit or stand?

- No, no. That's a bad idea.

- She's my good luck charm.

I want her to decide.

Um...

Um, Jack is ten? - Jack's ten.

- Two, carry the one...

Hi--hit? - Hit.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Oh! - I told you!

Look, I love her, she's so cute,

she's amazing, but she sucks at blackjack.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

- What? Three grand to meet Ava?

Seems worth it to me.

- Okay, love that. I do have to ask you

to vacate the table, though, if you're not gonna play.

- Oh, yeah, of course. Fair, sorry.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Tomorrow, promise.

- So did I hear you say that you lived here?

That's cool.

- Uh, yeah, no, no.

It's really not.

You know how the thing about Vegas is

you come, you party, and then on Sunday morning,

you wanna get home as soon as possible?

- Right, yeah.

- Well, my entire life

is that Sunday morning,

but I can't leave.

I've never even partied here.

- Seriously?

Well, my God.

Then we gotta make up for lost time.

You know that fancy Michelin star restaurant

that's up on the third floor? - Yeah.

- Do you wanna do coke in their bathroom?

So where are you from? - Originally?

Yarmouth, Massachusetts.

- No way! I'm from Waltham.

Look at us! We're both from Mass,

and we love cocaine. What are the odds?

- Okay, no, wait, no, wait, no, wait.

Were you a Papa Gino's house or were you a Bertucci's house?

This is very important. - Papa Gino's.

What am I, made of money? Come on.

You're funny. I would've had such a crush

on you in high school.

I don't think so.

I--I wasn't cool in high school.

Mostly because of my name.

- Your name? What do you mean?

- Oh, um, yeah.

So we'd say certain words backwards so our parents

wouldn't know what we were talking about.

So, like, beer was "reeb,"

and all the cool kids had nicknames.

So, like, Jon was "Noj" and Jen S. was "Snej,"

and I think a big reason I wasn't cool in high school

was 'cause, you know, Ava backwards is just "Ava."

- But wait, why didn't you just use your last initial

like Jen S. did?

Fuck!

- Well, even if I had,

I was still pretty busted in high school.

Nobody told me you weren't supposed to brush

wavy hair, so...

So, what, you got hot in college, then?

No, not that either.

It got a little better when I figured out my birth control

and lost my acne beard, but, uh,

also, I was only in college for, like, two years anyway.

I left early 'cause I got a writing job,

and then that sort of imploded,

and I moved here to work a job that I hate.

Just the sort of classic story.

So you're on birth control?

That's what you got out of all that?

No.

I--I got the other stuff too.

You know, you really don't have to change.

- No, if we're going to a Vegas club,

I legally have to wear a highly flammable dress.

- What's with this TV?

- Ugh, I've complained a bunch.

They won't do anything about it.

- Well, if they won't do anything--

- What are you doing?

- Now they have to fix it.

There.

If you're not happy with something,

you gotta change it, right?

- Yeah. - You ready?

Let's go.

- Yeah, now I just wash all my clothes in the sink

like an old Italian woman.

- Oh, my God.

- What? - I know those girls.

They said they were going to bed early.

They fucking lied to me.

Oh, hey.

- Oh, Ava. Hi.

- What happened to spa appointments?

Guess I'm still being punished for my tweet, huh?

My fucking scarlet T.

- Dude, nobody cares about your fucking tweet.

You were an asshole before the tweet.

- Excuse me? - Honestly,

we were getting a second wind,

and I was gonna text you.

But when I scrolled up on our messages,

the last thing you asked me was for a plus one

to my premiere party, and when I said that I couldn't,

you wrote, "Wow."

- Okay, who are you, the court stenographer?

What the fuck? - Oh, come on, Ava.

Everyone knows you're, like, this career-obsessed--

- Opportunist. - Yes.

- So we weren't exactly all rushing to defend you

when everything went down.

Sorry to be so blunt, but we're on coke.

- You guys did coke? - Well, guess what.

I'm on coke too. And also, fuck you!

You think you're so great 'cause you made

one mediocre indie about lesbians in Oakland?

Let's see what you do next.

- I'm actually directing a Marvel movie.

- Okay, how does that even make sense?

You know what? Good luck with that.

- Kevin loves the direction we're going in, so...

- That's great. Well, guess what.

In my next project,

I'm gonna name all the villains

Cat and Jules and Victoria

and fucking...

- Hallie. - Hallie.

- Fuck you, Hallie.

- Thanks, I know where I'm going.

Oh, they're not here?

Am I early?

- That's very funny. They left 20 minutes ago.

- They didn't finish the Dom? How rude.

I'm glad I missed them.

Oh, oops. Sorry, sorry,

sorry, sorry.

- Okay. You're drunk.

- Oh, who are you, my 1950s housewife?

Come on! We're celebrating!

I got my Fridays and Saturdays back from Marty.

All it took was just a little tiny bit of blackmail.

- Greetings! What can I get for you?

- Yes!

Two vodka martinis. Dirty, please.

- Just one. I'm not celebrating anything.

- No, two. I will have them both.

No problem.

- Do you know how hard it was to carve out

this Cinchers deal from QVC?

- As--as hard as it is to get into them?

And you blackmailed Marty?

It's a Vegas residency, Deborah,

not an Agatha Christie novel.

I have an actual plan.

- Oh, please. He loved it!

He loves this. - You think you can keep Marty

off your back like this forever?

You need to let me set you up for the future,

one without dates.

- No, I-- - If--

- No one's gonna take my show

away from me!

It's my show!

Everything else is just extra.

- "Just extra."

Well, then maybe you should listen to Ava

and start actually improving your material.

Have a good night.

- Perfect timing. - I just have to say,

my mother went on your cruise. She's a huge fan.

- What's her name? - Carol.

- Carol. Well, here's to Carol.

- I couldn't take a self-- - Please.

- Yeah, great.

- That was brutal! - Hey, forget about those guys.

Who even likes Marvel movies anyway?

- Literally everyone. Fuck!

They're right.

The second I saw them, my first thought was,

"Great, I can use them to network my way back to LA."

And my boss was right too. I am a little shit.

I've been, like, obsessed with being cool and popular.

It's fucking pathetic and so basic.

- Really? I think you're pretty amazing.

- That's 'cause you don't know me.

- It only took me three hours to figure out

that you're funny, you're cool, you're smart.

So you're a little ambitious. So what?

You're in a cutthroat industry.

And you said you had a little success early, right?

They're probably just jealous.

- I don't really have friends, George.

I think that's, like, a huge red flag

about me as a human being.

- You're born alone, and you die alone.

You don't need anybody else. - I don't know.

I--I think I might need to change...

My entire personality.

- Really? I mean, technically, changing

your entire personality is an option.

But do you know what the real work is?

The real work is accepting

and loving yourself for who you are

and all the good stuff that you do.

- I guess I do some good stuff.

I send money to my parents every month.

- See? You're basically Mother Teresa.

My father's in my phone as "Dickhead."

- Look, um, I know two things.

You are a good person, and we need to do some Molly.

♪ Daydreaming, I stay in the back seat ♪

♪ The slow beat rocks me back to sleep ♪

♪ Keeps me on automatic ♪

♪ Press my face up close against the glass ♪

- Hey, do you wanna try the club again?

- The line was insane last time,

and it's probably gonna be worse now.

- You know what?

I think I actually know another way in.

- Okay.

♪ Don't let this go ♪

♪ Don't let the love fade away ♪

- Perks of living in a casino.

- You come down here a lot?

Deborah?

- Ava?

Wow.

I don't think I've ever seen you not wearing pants.

What, did somebody die?

- Yeah, oh, you wanna talk about clothes?

You look like you let a tailor loose

in an antique carpet store,

and I'll have you know I can dress however I want.

Okay? Thank you.

- Well, when I was doing stand-up at your age,

I had to wear a dress and heels.

- Okay, I'm--I'm sorry I don't have to.

Are you--are you, like, mad at me about that?

- Yes. - Wait a second.

You're drunk.

- No, I am not. You are.

- No, no. I'm on cocaine and Molly.

Hi, I'm George.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

- Oh, what's going on here?

Premarital sex?

Deborah!

He's cute, good for you.

Oh, just FYI,

I've heard that she has deeper

sexual experiences with women.

- Oh, my God. Okay, you're my witness.

She's my boss. She could be arrested

for saying that, right? - Oh, please!

Roman Polanski is still feasting

on fois gras in the sixth.

I don't think I'm gonna get busted for saying

my bisexual employee has bi sex.

Am I?

- I--I wouldn't.

- Okay, this was fun.

Yeah, okay. Excuse me.

Oh, you don't have your Diva cup in, do you?

Oh, my God.

- Damn, she's pretty rough.

- Well--yeah, that was actually

one of our better interactions.

- You know, for somebody who doesn't have any friends

in Vegas, you run into a lot of people here.

- Yeah, well, too bad none of them like me.

- I like you.

Hey, do you, um-- do you wanna skip the club

and just go up to my room instead?

- I absolutely consent.

Oh, um, no.

Your--your room's actually this way.

- Oh, right.

Hey, wait, wait. This is my last $100.

- How much did you lose tonight?

- Like, 60 grand.

- You lost $60,000 tonight?

- Yes, but you are going to take my last $100,

and you're gonna go win. - No.

We have established over the course of this evening

that I am a giant loser.

- Ava! Don't say that.

You--you are a winner.

So I want you to take this money

and pick something really special.

And go win.

- I know the perfect game.

- All righty, then!

Do not go in there!

Whoo!

Coach, just give me a chance!

- All righty, then. All righty, then.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! - Holy--

- Holy shit!

- Do you want the last reeb?

- Huh? Oh, beer.

Yes, good.

I still can't believe I won. God!

It's like I'm almost not even a lahoo-suh-herr anymore.

Sorry, that was not hot. Sorry.

Oh, tomorrow morning, we should go

to the Mirage next door and get the breakfast sandwiches.

It's literally the only good thing about living here.

- Yeah, sure. - Oh, my God!

This is the first night I've had any fun here.

At all. I just, like, hate my job.

- Well, then I think you gotta do something about it, right?

- Should I rip the TV off the wall?

I've done so much cocaine.

I really think I could. - No, I just mean,

if there's something that is in your life

that you don't like that you know that is not working,

you need to change it, you know?

You can't just let it go. Like your boss.

If that was a good interaction between you two,

then you are in an abusive relationship.

- I wanna quit, but I clearly have no options

back in LA. I mean, you saw those girls.

They want nothing to do with me.

They fucking hate me. - But fuck those LA girls!

And you don't need your shitty boss either.

You're an artist. You're a writer.

You just need yourself, you know?

And this pen.

- That's my vape. But you know what?

You're right. You're right.

Why the fuck am I wasting my life here?

So I can't go back to LA,

whatever. I--I'm still a writer.

I can write anything from anywhere.

I could get a cabin!

Joan Didion did that one time, I think.

- Yes, see!

Yes! That's what I mean, you know?

There can't be any rules.

You have to go and do your art.

- I'm gonna quit. - Yeah?

- I'm gonna quit! - I wanna see you quit!

- I'm quitting now! - Go quit!

- I'm gonna--okay. - Just go quit,

because you know what? Sometimes the universe

gives you a path, and you say, "I'm gonna fucking jump,"

and the net will appear. Right?

Am I sweating?

- You've reached Deborah Vance.

Leave a message.

- Hey, it's Ava.

So I don't think this is gonna work out,

'cause you treat me like shit.

And also, you don't need a writer.

You need a psychiatrist, 'cause you're fucking crazy!

And I hate calling women crazy, but in this case,

it applies, 'cause you actually are.

So yeah. I quit!

Why don't you get yourself a book on attachment theory

and a bottle of Ativan?

Fucking goodbye!

Oh, whoo! - Yes!

- That felt so good! - Holy fucking shit!

That was amazing! - Oh, my God.

- You are so fucking incredible.

- Oh, that felt good. These drugs are good.

- I know. They're really good,

which is awesome, because it can be a crapshoot

when you buy from a homeless guy.

- Wait, what? First of all,

they're unhoused residents. That is scary, though.

- You're incredible.

You still awake?

- Yep, I'm writing something really good.

This'll sell.

Hi, Jimmy. - Hey.

Was your email hacked?

- Uh, I don't think so.

- Ugh, no. I was really hoping it was.

You sent me an email at 4:00 a.m.

The subject was "Potential Franchise,"

and it was just one very long sentence.

It said, "What if first girl band during Salem Witch Trials

but prestige drama."

No punctuation. Very hard to follow.

- Huh. - Yeah, huh.

And then you sent me a whole nother email

with a list of names that included

Glenn Close and Ashley Olsen.

Is that the Olsen you meant?

- Yeah, let me give that

a reread before you send it out.

- Hmm, not something I'm on the verge of doing.

Don't you worry. - Sorry, you gotta use

the side entrance. Someone just jumped.

- Jimmy, let me call you back.

Jumped? Jesus.

- Yeah, happens all the time. People come here,

blow all their money on drugs and hookers,

live it up, and then boom!

You gotta get a wet vac. It's a mess.

So you're gonna have to go that way.

Turn around.

- Yeah.

No, he--

he didn't mention much of anything

because I--I talked about myself the whole night,

because I fucking suck.

Um, he was a Papa Gino's guy. I--

- Okay.

Well, let us know if you think of anything.

Looks like he skipped town after he was found guilty

of defrauding a bunch of elderly people.

- Elder fraud?

- Yeah. You have our info, so...

- Oh, fuck.

Call Deborah Vance.

- You've reached Deborah Vance.

Leave a message.

- Deborah, if you're getting this message,

please disregard my message last night.

I--I did not mean any of that.

I got some really bad advice.

I'm on my way to explain in person.

End call.

- Oh, Marcus. You're not coming.

- Excuse me? - Well, since you're so sure

that I need to work on my material,

that's what I'm gonna spend the weekend doing.

Ava and I are gonna have a little writer's retreat.

- Mm. - Oh, and would you mind

making sure that Barry takes his heartworm pills?

Thank you.

- Deborah, I-- - Jesus!

I said I liked the dress, not that you have

to wear it every day. But good timing.

You are coming with me.

- What? Wait, where are we going?

- You're going on the retreat instead.

I'm actually getting a little eyelid maintenance,

but maybe we can do a little bit of work, you know,

while I'm recovering.

Josefina, did you ever find my phone?

- It was on the toilet.

- Thank you.

Anyway, my appointment's at noon.

Hope you don't mind a little blood.

Let's go! Move your ass!

Corrected & improved by == Flatto (subscene.com) ==