Original subtitles

[LINE RINGING]

MAN: Customer service, how can I help you?

PHIL: Yeah. Hi, my name's Phil and, uh, I'm a filmmaker,

and I just bought your camera.

And I think it's broken, to tell you the truth, 'cause it's...

MAN: What exactly is the problem?

PHIL: Well, there's no picture, okay, bud?

It's just... I'm just seeing black.

These buttons don't seem to be doing anything, you know?

Sir, did you remove the lens cap?

Did that fix it?

Uh, no. Thanks, though, it's... I'll figure it out.

Hi. My name's Phil.

I live here with my wife Daphne. She's a great gal.

Daphne's little sister, Elissa, uh...

Hot. She's getting married to this great guy named Jon.

Jon, man, you're marrying my wife's sister,

which makes us, uh, brothers.

They're doing a destination wedding.

That means, you go somewhere and you get married.

And they're going to Nicaragua,

which means they're going to Nicaragua.

I thought, "Hey, let's get a whole mess of cameras,

send them to, you know, out to all the friends

and just have 'em film all the craziness we get into."

Put it all together in, like,

a nice little wedding video for the guys 'cause...

DAPHNE: Phil?...they're both special to me.

That's Daph.

DAPHNE: Hey!

Where are you?

Hey.Hey.

Hey. How are you?What's going on?

What's that? A camera?Yes, isn't that cool?

Where'd you get a camera?

I got a camera at Best Buy, where electronics are sold.

Oh, yeah?Yeah.

How did the interview go?

Well, I got a camera.

So you got the job?

They're gonna... It's on file.

Why did you buy a ton of cameras today?[SIGHS]

I told you, I wanted to do a Jon and Elissa video.

I'm gonna make them an epic wedding video...

No, you're not. No, you're not.

I'm returning these....with the cameras.

I'm returning them.

Babe, no, you're not, 'cause I...

I threw out all the boxes, and there aren't any receipts.

Okay, well, I'll sell 'em on Craigslist, then.

Baby, don't do that!

♪ I'm comin' undone before I'm feelin' all the rage ♪

♪ I'’m lettin' the lions ♪

♪ Lettin' tigers out Of the cage aha ♪

What's up, everyone?

Jonny and I, we've been boys

ever since we were roommates in college.

You getting married, brother. I love you.

Sarah here with my fantastic boyfriend, Ivan.

I can't believe you're actually getting married.

Have you seen my passport?SARAH: No, I haven't.

They live eight blocks away,

but they have to get married in Central America.

PHIL: Baby? DAPHNE: Yeah?

PHIL: Who's making the trip to Nicaragua?Oh.

Fancy shirt.PHIL: Yeah.

We're gonna have a good time this weekend, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah. Ugh.

You've got, like, yogurt.

CAL: Tammy!

Hey! What's up, dude?CAL: How you doin', mama?

It's been a long time, look at you.TAMMY: Give me a hug.

CAL: It's so good to see you. Wow.

I am tearing that ass apart this weekend.

♪ My work is done

♪ Yea my work is done

[MOUTHING]

♪ I'’m out of my cave I'’m into the rain ♪

♪ I'’m ready to play ♪

♪ Get off the ropes and off The rails, playin' game uh-huh ♪

♪ Yea I'’m free ♪

♪ I need time to kill ♪

♪ Hey I'’m on a rampage ♪

♪ I'’m out of the big street I'’ve been diggin that for days ♪

♪ I'’m lettin'’ the lions ♪

♪ Lettin' the tigers out Of the cage aha ♪

♪ '‘Cause I'’m free ♪

♪ I need time to kill ♪

♪ Hey I'’m on a rampage ♪

♪ I wanna work ♪

♪ What makes me lazy like the Stuff I could be doin'’ for fun ♪

♪ Hey I don'’t wanna work Just give me the money ♪

♪ As if I had a gun on me ♪

♪ '‘Cause my work is done! ♪

♪ Yea my work is done

♪ My work is done

♪ My work is done

♪ My work is done

ELISSA: Okay, it's rolling. Get out here.

Oh.

Yeah, baby. [CHUCKLES]

Come on.Is that good?

ELISSA: It's... Yeah.[BOTH LAUGH]

We're getting married.

I know.

Get on the bed.

Let's turn the camera off.No.

Seriously? You wanna make a sex tape?

Yeah, babe.

You're...So cute.

Sorry. [LAUGHS]

That was really hard!

I'm a slut.

You're a slut.

You're such a big slut right now.[LAUGHS]

I am. Don't laugh at me.

I am marrying a slut.You are.

You ready to meet my oldest

and best friend in the whole world?

MAGGIE: Hell, yeah.[EXCLAIMS]

MAGGIE: Oh, my God, it's incredible here.

[ELISSA MOANING]MAGGIE: Oh, my God.

MAGGIE: What are you doing?Shh.

[JON AND ELISSA MOANING]

It's a wedding! It's a wedding![SCREAMS]

Oh, my God!JON: What the f... Dude!

We are getting married!

Are you naked?MAGGIE: Come on, Linc.

Are you naked?JON: Get the fuck out.

MAGGIE: Come on.I'm gonna kill you!

Man, it's good to see you.Get off!

JON: Dude, I've got a boner.

I know. I can feel it.

I couldn't wait any longer.

You fucking sick bastard.[LAUGHS]

MAGGIE: Hi, Maggie.Hi.

Hi, I'm sorry about this.

I mean, we're used to it with Linc.

Wait, what flight did you get in?

Oh, we didn't fly. I drove.

Down through Texas, crossed the border at Ciudad Juarez.

Dude, you drove to Nicaragua?

Yeah, been on the road three weeks.

[LAUGHS]I didn't have money.

I didn't have 800 bucks to spend on a plane ticket.

I'm not gonna miss your wedding.I love you, man.

[ALL SHOUTING EXCITEDLY]

Hey!

Boss!

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

So you and Jon have known each other a long time, yeah?

Oh, long time. Since our tween years, right?

But you're meeting these other guys,

like, for the first time, like me?

Like these guys?Ah, there he is!

What's up? Hi.

Yeah!What's going on?

We all know what happens when this guy's around.

Yeah, we've ripped it before, spring breaks, ski trips.

Shit's gotta get weird this weekend.

I want you on lock, Linc.

Here's the key, my man.

Totally. Yeah, take my key, too, man.

[ALL CHEERING]

JON: Everybody take a shot.One shot for me.

I'm getting married tomorrow.MAGGIE: Yes.

WOMAN: You are.

[ALL WHOOPING]WOMAN: Yes, Nicaragua.

The thing about this group of friends is,

we were kids together, you know?

And now you guys are the first ones in the group

to get married.

That's like a wake-up call. We're adults now.

TAMMY: Look at that hot little boy.

MAGGIE: I wanna sit on his face.

Yup.Maybe.

We met on the way down at a bar in Las Cruces.

Yeah, you got so charming after the shot of mescal.

PHIL: So are you, like, together now?

Sort of.Yeah, it's a flexible situation.

PHIL: Well, I'm a monogamous, so hands off. [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

PHIL: Oh, look at those pretty Bloom sisters together.

BOTH: Hi.PHIL: Hey.

Six blessed years.PHIL: Whoa!

Six years?

We've been together for six years.

PHIL: Gee, that's two years longer

than Jon and Elissa, right?

They're getting married.

Thanks for the observation, Phil.

DAPHNE: Well, hello, tiny dancer.

You liking it, huh?DAPHNE: Let's see. Turn around.

[ALL CHEERING]

Hold me closer, Cal.

You look amazing.

Runner up, Miss Cuba.Oh!

Gotta love it.

You have no bulge.

CAL: This is perfect.

It's not a vagina, guys.

IVAN: My man, you know what?

[WOMEN SCREAM AND LAUGH]

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

CAL: Poor Ivan.

Party!MAN: Oh, my God.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo!

[PHIL COUGHS]Honey, where's your phone?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

It's in my collar pocket.

Stupid move.

PHIL: Well, I didn't do it on purpose, Daphne.

IVAN: Jon, seriously, how did this strange person

beat me out for best man?

[SNORTS]

Really? Really?You never had a chance!

I had a lunchbox in middle school with Beavis on it.

It is a spitting image of this guy right here.

CAL: Do it, do it. Wanna hear it.

[IMITATES BEAVIS]

[ALL CACKLING]

CAL: It's really good.

Yeah, yeah, it's... Oh, yeah.

[GASPS]

Baby, they're here, they're here!

Hey!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

LINC: Mrs. Carr. Mrs. Carr?

Hi.

Good. Mm.

Right there.

Mr. Bloom, it's amazing, sir!It's gorgeous.

It's fucking paradise.

Let's cut the crap, you guys.

I know you're nothing but trouble.

I know your reputation.

Whenever you guys are around, bad things happen.

I know about Nassau,

I know about the motorcycle incident,

I know about the fire at Sugarbush.

LINC: That wasn't our fault.

I saw the police report, Linc.

You know, Elissa's my little princess.

She's great. Beautiful girl.Fell from heaven.

MR. BLOOM: And this wedding's gonna be perfect.

And I don't want you jackasses to do anything to ruin it.

Mr. Bloom?

He got nicer.

JON: We're home, boys.What?

This is what I'm talking about.

Feel that breeze?This is crazy stuff.

That is so...You know what? Stop it.

No, no.[CHUCKLES] Stop it.

We are staying here.TAMMY: I know.

Oh, my God.That is just not real.

Can I get a minute, and then I'll take these upstairs?

DAPHNE: You forgot one of the bags down at reception.[PANTS]

Thanks for doing that, baby.

[CONVERSING IN SPANISH]

Guy just tried to sell me hookers.

Getting that good stuff, you know.[CHUCKLES]

Here's to the end of a long career.[SIGHS]

To my man, Seabiscuit.

IVAN: Oh![ALL LAUGHING]

There were girls in high school that never knew his real name.

Do not say that name around Elissa.

Give me that.Oh, okay.

You really done everything you've wanted to do?

JON: Dude, my life now is so much better.

LINC: Oh.That's bullshit.

Did you ever bang twins,

you know? You ever fucked in a boat?

You ever had a golden shower?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Golden shower? Some chick peeing on you?

Hey, it's all about having life experiences, guys.

Yeah, Jon, have you ever seduced a vagrant?

Do not rob yourself of life experiences, Jon.

Cal will back me up on this.

I'm sure you could find plenty of

down-on-their-luck vagrants in this seaport town.

[CACKLES]Let's just have a great time.

Fucking Phil.

What? Come on.

He's sweet.Okay.

No, he is a motherfucking pussy.

Let me tell you something, guys.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Let me tell you something.

Okay. What?

He has been faking orgasm.

SARAH: What?

Yeah, he's been faking.Oh, God.

How do you even know that he's faking it?

Because I checked.

SARAH: Your vagina?No, I didn't check my vagina.

I used a condom, and I checked in the condom,

and there was no cream in the Twinkie.

GLORIA: Sounds like you're not turning him on.

Do you know how to get him in the mood?

Yeah. I don't need help, thank you.

IVAN: This is Nica, baby.

We in Nica, boys.

Let's get crazy!

JON: Come on, this is sacred territory.

Hello, I'm sorry.Come in.

I'll see you in a bit.CAL: Golden shower, baby.

Give it a chance.[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[SARAH MOANING]

So, we took this ski trip to Vermont.

I was in my room about to bang this hot-ass waitress

that had the biggest fucking titties you've ever seen.

Ivan comes in with a fucking camera...[LAUGHS]

...and ruined the whole damn thing.

Payback's a bitch, bro.

You guys hear that shower? Right?

Classic Ivan. All through college

he'd run the shower while he was having sex with Sarah

so nobody would hear him.

Come. Come.

[WOMAN MOANING] Oh, yeah.

CAL: Oh, shit.JON: What the phooey, bro.

What the fuck are you doing?

Shut the fuck up.What are you doing?

IVAN: Get the fuck out of here.

SARAH: Are you jacking off?

[GUYS LAUGHING]No. What? Are you crazy?

Look, it was just...Guys, get out!

Get out! Get out.Don't touch me.

Get the fuck out. She touched me.

CAL: Were you jacking off? Ew!No, I'm not even...

You get out!

PHIL: Can you do it for the camera?

IVAN: Just get the fuck out of here.SARAH: What were you doing?

Come on.

Fucking two hands?SARAH: Get out!

[DOOR SLAMS]Did you see that?

[CAL LAUGHING]She just rocked the door frame.

I don't know anybody that does it two-handed.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm in there all hot and wet, and hoping

maybe you'll come in after me.

IVAN: I didn't know...Instead you're out here

watching fucking porn?

It's just porn.

SARAH: Old poon. You fucking perv.

Okay, you know what? Let's have sex right now.

SARAH: I'm not gonna have sex with you right now.

Why not? Let's have sex...

SARAH: No, I don't want any part of your porn dick.

Makes no difference. Let's have sex right now.

No, that's disgusting. No, I don't want it.

You just said...No. No.

You know what? I will see you fucking later.

[GUYS CACKLING]Fuck you guys!

CAL: Ow!

CAL: Man, stand and deliver.

[ALL LAUGH]

Can I just ask something? Why two-handed?

Really, why?CAL: It's that big?

Why two-- Why like-- I've never seen that.

And standing up?

Let's all laugh it up. Let's all really enjoy it.

'Cause you are in for some serious shit.

DAPHNE: Phil, where are you, baby?

Are you in here?

Hey, baby.Hey.

[DAPHNE GASPS] You're wearing fancy shirt. Looking nice.

Looks pretty good, right?

Yeah.

Hey.

You brought your Xbox to Nicaragua?

I was just gonna go see

if the guys wanted to have a quick game before dinner.

Okay.

If that's cool?

Sure. Totally. That's fine with me.

Cool.

DAPHNE: But I was going to blow you on camera.

[SNORTS]

DAPHNE: I was...Yeah, let's do that.

Never mind. You gotta go play Xbox with your buddies so...

No, I don't, I don't.

This is... That can wait.DAPHNE: Love you, honey.

Have fun playing Xbox.Daph, come on.

What's up, dudes?

Nice ball cap, Jon.Thank you.

Hey, mates.Yeah, man.

I like yours, too, Isaac.

My name's Ivan.[LAUGHS]

Ivan. I'm sorry. Do you wanna play Xbox?

Phil, there are no TVs in the resort.

[ALL LAUGH]

You look so nice!

Sewing it together.

Yes, to the ladies.Yes.

They walked in on us.

Like, right at the really big part.

The come part.

Daphne! Ew!

That's sick.

Can we also raise a glass to Daphne's husband,

for getting us these cameras?

Yeah, so...Wait a second.

He had no business buying those. He doesn't have a job.

Okay, well, at least he married you

instead of jacking off while you were in the shower.

I'm fine with that.WOMAN: It's okay, S.

TAMMY: Yeah.I like that idea.

So, I just wanna say that I've known,

you know, Elissa a long time.

She's my sister-in-law. Beautiful girl.

I actually was fortunate enough...

to see her boobs.

One time. On, like, a trip.JON: What do you mean?

We went to the lake and I saw her changing.

Might have... I took a picture with my phone.

And I...

LINC: Don't say this, man. Don't say...

...I jerk off to your wife.LINC: Don't say that.

[LINC LAUGHING]

Still. I still do this.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

[GLASS CLINKING]

JON: Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

ELISSA: We couldn't get married without you guys, and...

we're in Nicaragua, which I don't know

if all of you know,

but Jon and I have been here before,

and it's where we fell in love.

Lissy, uh, you're my younger sister,

but, uh, in a lot of ways, I look up to Lissy

as my older sister.

We all knew that the reason the boys

downstairs wanted to be friends with us

was because we were friends with her.

Jon, I, um... You grew on me, buddy.

[ALL LAUGH]

I grew up with three sisters.

And growing up I always wanted a brother

to run around and get into trouble with.

You've always been very supportive of me

and really nice to me, and it's, uh, you know,

you didn't have to be that nice to me.

There's no denying this guy's

an incredibly handsome man, right?

I mean, just look at those little baby blues.

The ladies, they've always loved him.

Seabiscuit. [VOCALIZING]

CAL: All right, all right, come on.

And then he met you.

And being around a good,

grounded girl really did something to him.

I mean, seriously, it changed him.

You are so much better because of her.

Last year, when Ivan got bedbugs

and then came over to my place,

and promptly gave my apartment bedbugs as well,

they were generous enough to have me

on their couch for about two weeks.

And every morning Jon would make coffee,

which seemed like a simple thing,

and then we would all get up and have breakfast together.

And it wasn't until the third or fourth day

that I realized that Jon doesn't drink coffee.

Elissa does.

But every morning, Jon makes coffee

for Elissa because he loves her.

[ALL APPLAUD]

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

CAL: We're heading into town, baby.Yeah!

Yeah!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

IVAN: I just wanna...

There you go. I got this.

Anybody want a Vicodin?

Yeah.

WOMAN: All right. Upstairs, upstairs.Yeah.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Can we get shots of tequila?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

For you, Phil. My man.

Whoo!

One shot here for my good buddy Isaac.

Come on, dude.

Yeah, leave him alone.

JON: All right, guys, come on, let's do this.

Yeah, cheers.

Okay, Phil, no more shots, babe.

You can't handle it.No more.

Phil's part of the gang now, all right?

We always do two shots of tequila

before we get the night started.

It's our tradition.

Come on, Phil.

Yeah, I'm good. Man, I'm good.

Cheers.

[ALL WHOOPING]

CAL: Come on, yeah!

No!

CAL: Yeah!

[ALL CHEER]

That's the guy from the resort, right?

Should go say hi, man.

[CONVERSING IN SPANISH]

Can you tell me what he's saying?

Okay, I'm not repeating that.

["GOT IT LIKE THAT" PLAYING]

♪ I got it like that ♪

♪ Get me, get me Get with that ♪

♪ I got it like that ♪

♪ I got it like that ♪

♪ I got it like that ♪

♪ Get me, get me Get with that ♪

Damn, I'm so tapping that ass tonight.

Really? 'Cause I think she's vibing me.

Dude, I can tell you right now, she is not vibing you.

Tammy and I have had this whole thing brewing

since college, bro.

Oh, yeah? You've been trying since college,

and you never hit that?

This girl's not your typical piece of ass, bro.

She's fucking mysterious. Look at her.

The whole time we've known her,

she's never hooked up with anyone we knew.

I know. We thought she was into the ladies.

Yeah, 'cause she has short hair, like a boy?

Like a hot boy?

Let me show you how it's done, bro.All right.

♪ Mary and Molly We see we crackin' some polly ♪

♪ You see a lady in red Then maybe tell her to call me ♪

You still haven't sent in your med school applications?

First off, I gotta get my MCATs up.

And then I wanna concentrate on

getting some more enrichment credits

from the University of Phoenix online.

Dude, I feel like that's holding up your entire life.

What about Sarah?

You gonna finally pull the trigger?

That's a big question, my man. That's running around in here.

You gotta figure it out, you know.

She's a great girl, she's not gonna hang around.

How'd you know that Elissa was the right one?

You know, did it come to you in a dream?

Did you have a vision quest?

No, I don't know. I just...

I asked myself whether I could imagine my life

without her, you know?

And the answer was clear.

That makes sense.

What do you think my answer to that question would be?

Dude, how the fuck should I know?

I'm sorry!Honestly, come on!

I need your help, man.You're fucking hopeless.

Yes, I am.

Ah! Looks like Tammy left her phone behind.

Ivan.What's up?

Tammy left her phone behind.

Watch this, Jeff.

Hey.

"What's up hottay?"

What you thinking 'bout?

How about a sensual massage?

I want you face down.

Lights off.

[LAUGHS]

And bare-assed.

LINC: Oh, my God. He's so excited.

IVAN: Yes. Yes.

LINC: He's going. He's on his way.

IVAN: He's going?

All right. All right.

All right, let's go.

LINC: Look at him go.IVAN: Go my friend.

Go to your date with destiny.

Come on, boy.This is incredible.

You want to bust in on me, asshole?

Give him two minutes,

then we'll round everybody up and follow him back.

Oh.

Shh, shh.

Make sure you keep shooting. Everything.

SARAH: What's going on?

It is time for you to unlock your inner mad man, Linc.

I gave you the key, man.

Guys, just don't break anything.

I can promise you,

that we will not ruin your wedding, Jon.

But things are going to get very, very rough

for Cal right now.

IVAN: You ready?Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR CREAKS]

CAL: Hey, baby.

It's dark, just like you said.

Mm.

I wanna feel those soft hands.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

CAL: No oil?

Dirty girl.

God, you feel amazing.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

[MOANS]

Yeah, I want that fucking tongue all over me,

you sexy little bitch.

God, I'm so fucking huge right now.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

JON: Oh, my God.

[WHISPERING CONTINUES]

[WOMAN GASPING]

Oh, shit. He's going to fuck him in the ass?

What's he doing?

[CROWD GASPS]

All right, you know what? Just, uh, go slow, okay?

He's hosing him down.

No, no. Hold on. That's way too much.

Linc!

What the fuck? Fuck!

I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!Why?

I'm so sorry.What do you have to gain from that?

[CROWD LAUGHING]

CAL: Fuck!

LINC: I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. It was Ivan's idea.

IVAN: You are still pissing right now.

I can't stop.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[COUGHS]

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

IVAN: Oh.

[ALL CHEER]

Come here, give me a hug.

It's just a joke. Come on.

It was hilarious.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

CAL: Ivan, that motherfucker is going down.

LINC: What's the plan, man?

Linc, get the fuck out of here!

LINC: Dude, it was Ivan's idea.

Yeah, but you did it.

Bro, you pissed on me! Who the fuck does that?

Cal, do you know where your linen closet is?

Phil.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

CAL: Look what I got.

[SNICKERING]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Ivan. Ivan.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

Holy shit.

LINC: Oh, my God.

LINC: Oh, no.

I would like to, uh, say something.

Quickly, if everyone could...[MUSIC STOPS]

Could listen for a second.

Uh, to my girlfriend, my beautiful...

girlfriend of six wonderful years.

I want to marry you.

more than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life.

We haven't talked about this.I'm so sorry.

I have not thanked you

every single second of every single day

for how you change my life.

I have taken you for granted.

Marry me.

I love you so much.

Yes.Yeah?

Like, yes? Really yes, though.

SARAH: Yes.Absolutely?

Yes.Si.

[ALL CHEER]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

JON: Cal, drown your sorrows.

[ALL CHEER]

[ALL WHOOP]

Hey!

You were doing shots, you were doing shots.

No. No.Yes.

Yeah. Okay.

Guys, is my wife beautiful?ALL: Yeah.

Thank you.

Very beautiful.

Okay. No. All right. No.

You need water, he needs water.

No, I need tattoos?

Yeah!

I must get tattoos.

Jon, in college, I was, like, this close

to getting a huge cobra tattoo on my chest.

It would have looked so fucking stupid.

It would look pretty fucking Phil, right?

JON AND LINC: Yeah!

[WHOOPING CONTINUES]

Hey.Hey, what's up?

How are you?Good. How are you?

I'm good.You?

You're having fun?

I'm having so much fun. You're so great.

Thank you.I love you.

I love you.I love you.

I love you.I can't wait

until we're brother and sister.Me, too.

[SCREAMS]

[COUGHS]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What the fuck, Phil!

I'm sorry.Oh, my God.

DAPHNE: Okay, no, Phil...

Stupid!

PHIL: I'm sorry.DAPHNE: Okay.

ELISSA: That's all right.DAPHNE: Phil.

I can feel it. It's, like, pooling in my bra.

Okay, I think I need to go to bed.

You are going to go, too, right?

I'm going to go to bed really soon, okay?

I love you.I love you, too.

Okay, I'm just going to go wash my boobs.

Okay.LINC: Elissa.

Don't leave without saying goodbye.

Oh!

It's so gross.

I'm so happy for you guys.Thank you.

I'm so happy. I mean, you did it. You tamed him.

You tamed the Seabiscuit.

Wait, what is Seabiscuit?Oh, my God! You don't know.

Seabiscuit, Jon's nick name in high school.

What does it mean?

It's like, the horse, like he's a stallion.

A guy loses his virginity at age 13.

He deserves a nickname.

Thirteen, really?Thirteen.

I'm serious. It's incredible, right?

And I feel like it's a good thing,

'cause he started so young

and he fucked so much, he got it all out of his system.

And then he met you.

And, like, everything in the world changed.

Oh. You get some sleep, okay?

Jon-Jon.

Come on, man. We're back together one last time.

It's a dream team. You owe us it.

Okay, one shot.Yeah!

WOMAN: Yeah!

[ALL CHEER, WHOOP]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SLOW GUITAR PLAYING]

LINC: What's up, dude?

[BOTTLE CLATTERS]

Jon! God, you're...

[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING]

LINC: How handsome are you?

Uh-oh.

Oh.

[SCATTING]

Oh! Whoops.[LINC LAUGHING]

Look, you're ready to get married, right now?

I think I'm gonna go down into the village

and try to see if I can find like a medicine man

or a shaman or something.

Come back up here and see if we can just

make things official.You fucking idiot.

She loves me. She loves me.

TAMMY: It's beautiful.

[LAUGHS]

I don't believe you, but thank you.

TAMMY: So, how long do you think he's been planning to ask you?

I don't know. I'm just in shock.

You know? I just, like, stared at him all night,

I couldn't even sleep.

LINC: Jon-Jon, wake up.

Oh, Jonny boy,

good morning, sunshine.CAL: Let's go, Jonny boy. Big day.

Jonny boy.

LINC: You're okay? You're okay.

IVAN: Oh, shit.

LINC: Oh!

Get up my man.CAL: Man.

This is gonna be a great wedding.

TAMMY: And look who it is.

SARAH: Girl, come here.

TAMMY: Good morning.

Beautiful bride, yeah!

CAL: What the fuck?

Phil?

[VOCALIZING]

PHIL: Stop it.

CAL: Come here, Phil. [LAUGHS]

Wake up.

[LAUGHS]

Jeez, man.

This is the worst day of my life.

Jon, get up!

JON: Oh, dude, come on.

What's that man?Hello.

Yo, what is that? Is that a scrape?

It's probably just a scratch or something.

Stop staring at my dick.

That's a bite mark.

It's not a bite mark.

Listen Jon, I know a bite mark when I see it.

Okay? I've studied this shit.

They are tooth marks, there is no doubt about that.

All right?

You had a human mouth on your penis.

You had a blow job last night.

Shit.

CAL: You think Elissa did it?

IVAN: I was in the casita all night. Elissa never left.

Really?

LINC: Holy shit.

I slept very well.Yes, you did.

I'm getting married today.You are.

I feel amazing.

You look beautiful.This place is magical.

CAL: Seriously.LINC: Who sucked your dick?

I don't know. I can't remember.

I could never do that to my fiancé.

Shut the fuck up.What?

Asshole.Just saying, it's a sacred commitment.

Oh, man.

Uh-oh.

Look who just arrived.

Yeah, man.

You got drunk and slept in that bathroom.

Who does that, man?Phil does, baby.

You do.

Jon, you got a blow job?

This is nuts, you guys.[LINC CHUCKLES]

All right, I'm out of here.Party down, Phil.

I got to go.Yeah.

See the old ball and chain. Get ready for the wedding.

Phil. Phil. Phil?What's up, man?

You know you can't tell Daphne about this, right?

Dude, you can count on me, man.

I'm going to be your brother-in-law.

It's going in the Bank of Phil,

filed under "B" for Bros.

ELISSA: I feel like I'm dreaming. I don't know.

Oh, Ivan, just posted something to our video blog.

I bet it's like a little wedding message

from the boys.[ALL GASP]

LINC: Jonny boy. Good morning, sunshine.

CAL: Hey, wake up, it's your wedding day.

Is he puking?

SARAH: Let's turn that off.

LINC: Wake up!

[LAUGHS]

JON: This is the worst day of my life.

Wait, what happened? Turn it back on.

SARAH: It says "File not found."

Worst day of his life? Did you hear that?

What kind of night did he have? What...

Um, it's... I'm sure it's fine.

TAMMY: Yeah, it's fine.It's fine.

TAMMY: It's no big deal. They were just

drinking a little.

IVAN: I'm an idiot.

I uploaded it by mistake.

I don't need this, buddy. Okay?

IVAN: Don't worry, I deleted it.

PHIL: Let me just get this. Whoa!

Rice thing worked.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]Uh.

Speak of the she-devil. Hey, Daph-Daph.

DAPHNE: Hello, what are you doing?

PHIL: Just hanging with the dudes.

Nothing. Nothing is wrong or anything.Put it down.

Babe, I'm not hiding anything.Put down, mate.

Babe, what do you think I'm hiding?Shut up.

Phil.There's nothing-- Nothing bad happened last night--

Hey, Daphne?

Phil's a little embarrassed about his...

His shirt got ruined last night.

DAPHNE: Yeah?Yeah, fancy shirt.

DAPHNE: What?He completely destroyed.

So, we have a lot of getting ready to do,

we'll see you at the ceremony.

Is it ruined?LINC: Yeah.

It's just some stains.

Just have to run it to the drycleaners.

Fancy shirt will be fine.

There's a big stain right on the back. Yeah.

Right-- What?

There.What the heck, man?

What the heck?

Now, she thinks that's what you're lying about, man.

Look what you did to fancy shirt!

SARAH: Are you okay, Daphne?

I just... I really loved fancy shirt.

He has changed a lot in the last few years.

But the second he gets with those guys, it's like...

I mean, he just needed to meet you.

This good girl.ELISSA: Sarah, no.

I'm not always a good girl.

Why did he and his friends get to have all the fun?

I mean, no one even asked me. I would have stayed out.

I would have gotten so smashed.

I mean, I didn't even let guys throw me a bachelorette party.

Now I'm getting married.

TAMMY: So, let's do it.

Let's have a bachelorette party, right now.

Yes. Yes.

TAMMY: Yes.That's exactly what we are going to do.

I'm getting married in five hours.

We can't let those jackasses have all the fun.

Yeah, let's have some fun.

I got some fruit salad back in my casita.

Yeah, or alcohol.

TAMMY: Oh, I have an idea.

JON: I mean, what if she finds out?

LINC: How could she ever find out, man?

JON: I don't know.LINC: Stop worrying.

We are fine. Let's go put on suits.

IVAN: Phil?

LINC: What's up, man?

JON: Phil, what are you doing?

What's going on?

Uh, you were being really funny last night.

You were drunk, it was like great,

classic wedding material kind of stuff.

It was...

I thought it would be good to get

hidden camera stuff, so I...

I set up a camera right here.

You left it running?Holy shit.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm going to talk to security.

'Cause that's... That's theft.

Are you kidding me? For real?

So, some girl blew me, swiped Phil's camera,

and now she is gonna show it to everyone.

I'm fucked.

We've been filming this? All of this? Turn it off.

Ivan, turn it off! Okay?

Let's not be hasty, though, Jon.Jesus!

Delete everything from this morning, please.

I don't like hearing that, though,

because this is some good back--

You might want this later. That's all I'm...

That's all I'm saying.Will I?

Really? Will I want this later?

CAL: Shut the fuck up.

No, I don't think so. Sit down.Shut the fuck up.

Turn it off.LINC: Turn off the camera.

Ripped Phil's shirt.

I got final cut, man.

IVAN: Shut this thing off.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

For room-- What room are we?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Hey, come up in four right now.

You have basically handed over

your entire relationship to this girl.

Do you understand that?

She's driving the whole thing.

You're just in the back seat riding like a little bitch.

Phil, you don't want to be a little bitch. Do you?

No, I don't want to be a little bitch.

IVAN: You're a whipped man, Phil.

Okay, so what do I do?

CAL: Okay, what's something that she hates about herself?

[EXHALES]

She thinks her arms are too fat.

Okay. Next time she starts giving you shit,

you're gonna look at her in the face and you are going to say,

"Hey, you've put on some weight.

And Phil the man, he doesn't like that shit."

You just want me to start a fight with her?

CAL: Exactly.

See, this way, if you start fighting with her,

she'll forget the fact that you were lying.

Then we're just, like, yelling at each other.

Come on dude, toughen up.

You need to seriously get it together.

I do have it together, man. You should...

look at yourself in the mirror.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's have some fruit salad.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSTATION]

Now don't be shy.

Don't be shy.

Guys, you got me shots?

It's getting crazy in the house.

Just you wait.

Hi.Hi.

What's happening?

Oh, my God.

Are you serious?Yes.

You said you wanted a bachelorette party!

[ALL CHEER]

ELISSA: Wait, isn't he the busboy?

TAMMY: Not today, he's not.

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

Yeah!

Yes!

[SCREAMS]

Yeah.

[ALL CHEER]

["CAN'T COME DOWN" PLAYING]

♪ I can't come down

♪ I can't come down ♪

♪ I can't come down ♪

♪ I can't come down... ♪

[SCREAMING]

♪ So what? I'm extra flirty These dudes are nerdy ♪

[INDISTINCT]

♪ I can't come down

♪ I can't come down ♪

WOMAN: Yeah!

♪ I can't come down

[GRUNTS]

Ew!

Oh, my God!

[MUSIC STOPS]ELISSA: Ew!

[ALL GASP]

I came.

I came everywhere.

Yeah!Yeah!

Ew! [LAUGHS]

[ALL CHEER]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

IVAN: Give me your excited strut.

That's horrible.I'm just excited, guys.

CAL: To Jonny.LINC: To Jon, boy.

CAL: Jon-o-lis. Yeah!

You guys can have my leftovers tonight.

Thank you, thank you.How about that?

I have to work so hard, this guy gets it all.

Yeah.LINC: Go, go, go.

CAL: Jonny boy.

What if this girl already showed somebody the video?

CAL: That's not an option, we would have found out by now.

I just think I should probably tell Elissa before she sees it.

CAL: No.I think that's the only move, Jon.

I can never keep something like that from my fiancé.

What the fuck are you saying? Shut up.

It was a fake engagement ring, dude.Guys, guys.

Guys, guys, guys, this was our bad.

We're gonna make it right, okay?

We're gonna find out who did it.

We're gonna keep it under wraps.

CAL: Yeah.We're gonna muzzle this dick-sucker.

Wow. Come on.

Hey, guys, last night got crazy, right?

Did it get crazy for you? 'Cause it got crazy for me.

It was like I couldn't even control myself.

Did you get like that?

Some beautiful women like yourselves,

you just went to bed early?

I'm not buying that shit.

Hi. Love your dress.

Do you mind if I look at your teeth?

Gorgeous teeth.

Well, thank you.Can I see them for a sec?

Can I just look at your goddamn teeth for a second?

All right.I think I hooked up with someone.

I don't even remember. Did you hook up with anybody?

You didn't spend time on your knees last night?

Could I offer you a taste

of one of the most beautiful fruits on earth,

found here in Nicaragua?

It's juicy this time of year.

Okay.

Oh.

All right, open.

Open. Open up there.

Okay, thank you.

Dude, what the hell was that?

This is Cheryl's bite mark.

And this is Jon's penis.

Oh, dude, come on!

It's a cool dick.Yeah.

As you can see, the spread just does not match.

Cheryl has been vindicated by the evidence.

What about Linc's girl?LINC: No, she was with me all night.

You told me you were blacked out.

Come on.LINC: Guys.

Quick question for you.

Have you tried the tropical fruit down here?

It is divine.Knock it off, dude.

I need her bite mark, goddamn it.

What is going on?

It's kind of a long story.

We think someone might have blown Jon last night.

Do you know something?

No, nothing.

LINC: Maggie.

CAL: Did you just see her face? It's totally her.

It's not her, okay? I know her, she's not like that.

You told me that she fellated you

ten minutes after you met her.

It's different.Yeah.

We had an emotional connection.

JON: Hey, you guys.

Dude, get down. Jon's coming.

I'm freaking out.

I'm about to get married, okay.

I can't hide this from her. I have to tell her.

LINC: No, no, no, dude, dude, dude. Dude, listen to me.

I know you want to do the right thing here,

but you tell her right now,

you're just gonna ruin her wedding.

Seriously, it's the most selfish thing you can do.

Fuck.

I'm such an asshole.

That's a surprising bit of wisdom

from a man who 12 hours ago urinated in Cal's mouth.

CAL: Shut the fuck up.

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm just saying, I don't think people take an option of fish

at a wedding, seriously.

If you allow me to take the reins on this,

I'm thinking two meats...Baby.

Think two meats, maybe a vegetable medley.

How's fancy shirt?

Ruined.

It's totally ruined. I ruined it.

Awesome.

[SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES]

This is a mistake.

What is, the wedding?

Yeah, the wedding. She's making a mistake.

Oh, Jon's a great guy.

He didn't look great when he was puking

this morning, saying that,

"This is the worst day of his life."

How do you know about that?

Because one of you morons posted it

on some video blog or something.

And you saw it?Yeah, we saw it, Phil.

We all saw it.

Phil, what the fuck? Christ.I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You guys look really nice.

I think the video is online from this morning.

She said they saw it. Daphne said they saw it.

It's, like, him puking and stuff.

How much did she see?I don't know.

I don't know.

Elissa is standing up there right now.

I don't think she would be up there

if she saw that whole video.

Hey, remember what we talked about.Hey, I'm sorry.

Jesus, keep your fucking mouth shut.Sorry.

What was that about?[PANTS]

Nothing.

I know you're lying to me.

[PANTING CONTINUES]

Yeah, I know you're lying to me.

Such a fucking bad liar, I know you're lying to me.

No.

DAPHNE: What's going on? What's going on?PHIL: Nothing, Daphne.

Honey, what the fuck is going on, Phil?Nothing, Daphne.

What the fuck is going on?You're being a cunt!

You've been a cunt. You're being a cunt!

Everybody thinks you're a cunt.

You're being a cunt right now!

["HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYING]

We're screwed.LINC: She's gonna find out.

We gotta do something, she's gonna find out.

She already broke him.

Daph, I'm sorry.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Yes, yes. Gracias.

IVAN: This will knock her right on her ass.

I'm sorry.LINC: Guys, don't wanna get dehydrated.

[CROWD GIGGLING]

Just ignore me, guys. Just gonna...

[WHISPERS] What's going on?Nothing.

I know you're lying to me.

Just leave me alone.

DAPHNE: I know something...PHIL: Stop being a cunt.

If you don't tell me, I'm gonna fucking divorce you,

I swear to God.

Jon got a blow job last night.

Fuck.Fuck.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Get over there and tell her something.

Okay.Go.

Shit.

You can't say anything to anyone.

Don't say anything, I'll talk to him.

Shh.

OFFICIANT: Friends and family.

We are here today to celebrate the union

of Jon and Elissa in marriage.

We will begin the ceremony

with a reading from the bride's older sister, Daphne.

[MOUTHING]

TAMMY: Oh, my God.WOMAN: Oh, my God!

Daph.

SARAH: Watch her head. Watch her head.

Is she all right?

Is she all right?Oh, God.

She's gonna be okay.All right.

PHIL: I got her. I got her.

I've seen this a thousand times, she's gonna be fine.

Dehydration, mild hypovolemia, guys. That's it.

Phil, two to three quarts of liquids,

pump some electrolytes in there.

She's gonna be dancing in no time with everybody else.

Come on, enjoy this.

Oh, God.

OFFICIANT: Jon and Elissa will now read

each other their vows.

I, Jonathan Peter Carr,

take you, Elissa Gabrielle Bloom,

to be my wife.

To have and to hold from this day forward...

[SNIFFLES]

[EXHALES]

[LAUGHS] Sorry.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Until death do us part.

I, Elissa Gabrielle Bloom...

[ALL APPLAUD]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISTLING]

LINC: Watch the step.

I can't believe you guys drugged my wife.

Well, you told your wife a secret, Phil.

Fucking moron.

Why are you filming this, Linc?

LINC: You said, "Film everything."

Turn it off!

LINC: Not gonna happen.IVAN: Come on, come on, come on.

Let's go. Let's put her down, Phil.

Come on.PHIL: Sorry, baby.

Let's go.IVAN: She's gonna be fine.

I gave her a pill. Wears off in an hour.

What're you doing?What do you mean,

"What am I doing?" I'm locking her in there.

Why are you locking her in the bathroom?

You know why I'm locking her in there?

'Cause this shit was supposed to be

in the Bank of Phil. So think about that.

It was in the Banco dePhil.Oh, it was in the Banco dePhil?

What, did some fucking bandits come in?

ELISSA: Come on.JON: I have to talk to you.

[SIGHS]

What?Fuck, fuck.

Last night was really crazy

and I got really drunk and, um.

Jon, I know.

What do you mean?

[EXHALES] I mean, I saw the video.

You saw the video?

No, the video?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

It's okay.

It wasn't that bad.

I don't want to look back at our wedding weekend

and always remember

how you got wasted, and you know...

You serious?

I don't know, because it didn't seem that important.

Really?

That's how I feel.

That's how I feel.I love you.

I love you so much.I love you. I love you so much.

Oh.

God, thank you.

Thank you, you're the best.

I am so happy.

We just got married!We're married.

We're, like, freaking married. It's...

Ah!

I love you.

Okay, I am gonna go and get wasted.

Okay, whatever you say.

Not you though.Okay.

You have to watch me inside.

I will. I will.

[ELISSA SCREAMS][ALL CHEER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERS]

Love you.All right, that's it.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Jon Carr!

[ALL CHEER]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Cal?CAL: Everything good?

Yeah, everything's fine, we took care of it.

Dude, she knows about the blow job

and she doesn't care.

What?She said it's okay.

I know, I just married the coolest

fucking woman in the universe.

Wait, are you fucking serious?Yeah.

Round of blow jobs, please.

[LATIN MUSIC CONTINUES]

Wish you all the happiness and the best,

'cause now you're on your own.

Okay.

Hear, hear.

[ALL CHEER]

Mr. and Mrs. Bloom, everybody.

And it was senior year, senior in high school,

my parents had just gone through

a, uh, very long overdue divorce.

I was supposed to move to Connecticut

and leave the home that I grew up in,

and the friends that I made and Jon.

And, uh,

and I think it really made us both really sad.

And I remember, Jon came over

and we were packing up everything that I grew up with,

all my possessions,

and instead of packing the boxes into the moving van,

Jon packed 'em into the back of his truck.

And we drove to his house,

where I lived for the next six months

and got to finish high school.

And I don't even think he told his parents.

I think you guys were as surprised as anyone

when I showed up at your door.

But you welcomed me and for that I am so thankful.

And now, as we welcome you guys into your new family,

I just hope that I'm lucky enough to participate.

'Cause I wanna be crazy Uncle Linc.

But not in a creepy way.[ALL LAUGH]

[ALL APPLAUD]

[ALL CHEER]

[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

She's saying you had sex with her husband last night.

No, I didn't, that's ridiculous.

[WOMAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

She said she saw you guys last night,

that her husband got home

at six o'clock in the morning, smelling like sex.

[WOMAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Okay, okay, I fucked him.

Okay? But I didn't know he was married.

Wait, you fucked him?Holy shit.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

He's saying that you, uh, forced yourself upon him.

That's bullshit, he was begging me for it.

Also, he said he was single and his wife is dead.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[GASPS]

I'm not doing this right now. Just take this outside, okay?

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Okay, no, I didn't--

Okay, okay.

I don't know want you to fight.

[SCREAMS][CROWD EXCLAIMS]

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

Oh, my God. I am so... I didn't mean to do that.

I didn't think that was gonna happen. Cal...

I am so sorry.[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

I am so sorry.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is she okay?Yeah, she's fine.

I saw her having shots with Elissa's mom.

I can't believe that just happened in front of everyone.

I can't believe I just punched that poor woman in the face.

Thank you for having my back.

I honestly thought she might have hurt you.

I mean, she looked fierce.

Fierce?

Oh, shit. I wasn't here, okay?

Have you seen Linc?

No.I'm gonna kill that guy.

Linc?

Hey.

It's Phil.

[SIGHS] Just wanted to talk.

Ivan's a jerk, okay! Ivan's a jerkwad,

number one.

Jon, you know, he fucked up.

Why is it my fault? I didn't suck his dick, man.

I'm just gonna check on her real quick,

just to make sure she's okay.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I'm so sorry.[DAPHNE GROANS]

Hi.DAPHNE: Where am I?

You're in the bathroom.

Just...

Just stay there, though.

DAPHNE: Wait!

Open the door, Phil!Daph.

Really, you fucked that guy?

Oh, here we go.

Baby, I'm just saying,

how could you possibly fuck that guy

when you got this standing right in front of you?

Oh, Cal, every time we're together,

I can pretty much guarantee

you're gonna try to make this happen.

It's 'cause we got some crazy chemistry going.

I know you feel that, right?

Come on, this is like animal magnetism

that happens every--Okay, okay, fine.

Fine, like, you'll think about it?

Fine, like, you've worn me down, so let's do this.

My casita, ten minutes.

JON: All right, it needs to go behind.

[LAUGHS]

You think I was fucking born yesterday?What are you talking about?

Tammy just told me to go up to her casita.

She wants to fuck.

Really?

Well, then you should go up to her casita and fuck her.

That's awesome.Ivan, I'm not fucking with you right now.

This is not a joke.

We don't do stuff like this anymore.

I'm a married man, dude, I mean, that's in the past.

Fuck.We're couple of dudes.

What the fuck am I thinking?

Of course, she wants to fuck me.

Fucking tap that ass.Congratulations.

Nicaragua, baby!

It's amazing to me that he's gonna go have sex with Tammy.

Also, it's crazy that I am getting married

after you guys

put a fucking ring in my girlfriend's sundae

without me even knowing about it.

SARAH: What?

What did you just say?

No, no.It was a prank?

No, it wasn't a prank.It was a fucking prank.

No, it started...

What the fuck is wrong with you?

It started off as a prank, Sarah. But it--

Are you fucking kidding me, Ivan?

I'm not kidding you anything.Oh, stop the bullshit.

Stop your fucking bullshit.

You fucking got engaged to me on a prank.

People can't be pushed

to do something that don't really wanna do.

What's wrong with you? Shut up, Ivan.

Shut the fuck up.

And I thought for once in your fucking life,

that you were making a decision

based on something that was real.

But instead, you were just going along

with whatever the fuck was in front of you,

like you always do.

You're a fucking shitty, stupid, fucking coward.

And you're not funny, you have terrible jokes!

And I can't get this fucking ring off!

And I don't want to be with you anymore, okay?

You cannot end this.

I don't wanna be with you anymore.I don't want this to end.

And when I see you again, don't fucking talk to me.

This is yours, you keep it. Why would I have this?

I found a camera, too, Phil!

And I am here to tell everyone out there

that my husband locked me in the bathroom like a psycho.

Well, I'm gonna tell everyone

that you were gonna ruin the wedding.

DAPHNE: No...So, I didn't really have a choice.

Phil, let me out of here, or I swear to God...

PHIL: You listen to me, okay?

Jon's a nice guy,

and he got a blow job on accident, that happens.

He cannot get erect by accident, it's called cheating.

It's called a mistake,

you banshee of a woman! She's a banshee.

Oh, goddamn it, Phil, you're being a fuck face!

You're the fuck face, if you think about it!

Now, open it!

Baby!DAPHNE: What?

You're gonna break my rig that I have out here.

[GRUNTS]

I know you've been faking it, Phil.

PHIL: What?Your orgasms?

Yeah, I know you've been faking it.

What kind of husband does that?

He fakes an orgasm. He can't even fuck his own wife.

You're a fucking pussy, Phil. You're--

Don't call me a pussy. Don't talk to me like that.

I'm a man, okay? I'm a real man.

I've got penis. I've got testicles, all right?

Get on the bed!

Get on the bed. Get up.

[DAPHNE MOANS]

Is this what you want?Yeah.

You want Phil?Yeah.

You want Phil?Phil...

I'm holding you, stay down there.

You feel that passion?Yeah.

You feel the heat?Mm-hmm.

What's up, sports fans?

As ya'll can tell, I'm a little tied up right now.

But guess who's on top of me?

[MOANS]

So you really wanna know what it's like to fuck Tammy?

Are you kidding me, baby?

I've wanted to fuck you since college.

Oh. Did I say you could put your mouth on me?

That's not okay. Did I say that?

You little... You little dirty little bitch.

Oh, you like it rough.

Oh, is that too rough?

Goddamn!

Shut up.

Stay down.[CHUCKLES]

Linc, dude, what the fuck?

Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[MOANS]Hey, bro!

Looks like the best man won, right?

Wait, Linc!

Get back in here!Is this the surprise?

You got it, baby.What surprise?

Oh, you'll see.

No, no, no.

No, Linc, you are not watching, dude.

Sorry, bro, I'm not into that shit.

Oh, he's not watching.

Oh, hell, yes!

Wait.[LAUGHS]

Get over here, baby.

Wait, wait, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, dude, come on. Hey, put your pants back on.

What the fuck is going on right now?

Oh, Ow. Linc.

You're such a cool dude.Oh, my God.

I think you're such a cool dude.

Oh, my God.

[TAMMY MOANS]

Dude, stop looking at me.

Bros!No, we're not bros.

We're bros!We're not bros.

You're fucking bros!

LINC: We're fucking bros!

Oh, you like it? Oh, you like it?[MOANS]

Stop touching me.

I'm close, I'm close. Yeah!

ELISSA: It's so pretty.JON: These candles are amazing.

We're married.Really?

We're married.

I'm making a movie.

I'm excited.Yeah?

Oh, my God.

Get on the bed.

ELISSA: Come here. I've a surprise for you, baby.

You have a surprise?Yeah.

ELISSA: What is this?

[JON EXHALES]

Shit. I forgot.What is that?

Are you okay?

It's a...

It's a bite mark.

A bite mark? Why is there a bite mark on your dick?

JON: I'm really sorry.ELISSA: Oh, my God.

You just thought that you could just get away with that?

Get out of here.

["ECLIPSE TOTAL DE AMOR" PLAYING]

I know that was unexpected but it was also beautiful.

And I'm just gonna say it. That was pretty intimate, man.

Linc.

Why are you so upset?

You said you wanted to bang Tammy for years.

Not like that, bro.

Oh. What happened to new experiences, bro?

You know, there was a moment when we were both thrusting,

I felt your tip, man.

We touched tips.

[SLOW GUITAR PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

DAPHNE: Hey, baby, we're rolling.Yeah?

We missed the wedding.[CHUCKLES]

I don't really care.

DAPHNE: I don't care either.

I know you don't care.[DAPHNE LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

It's Nicaragua, si?

Oh. Please tell me

your wedding is gonna be this nuts.

There is no wedding.

Phil, we're not getting married. I fucked it up. It's done.

What? Get it together, maybe.

Take a page out of the book of Phil.

If you know what's good for you.

Stand up straight, fasten your big-boy pants,

you go over there and you get her back.

Tam-Tam, what's going on, girl?Not much.

How you doin'? Where is everyone? Where's Jon?

I don't know. I just spent the last hour looking for Elissa.

After last night, they could be anywhere.

What does that mean?

Ivan, I can't do this right now.

I don't want to have this conversation.

I just wanna get home.

Sarah.So...

When I watched you look down and see that

fake two-dollar ring in that sundae,

something happened to me.

I wanna believe you so bad.

[CHUCKLES] See, that's what I'm saying to you.

It was all real. All of it.

I love you. I wanna marry you, Sarah.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm so sorry.

How could you get that drunk?

[PANTS]

I don't know. I don't know. I...

I was with those guys again and...

I don't know.

Look, I made a terrible mistake.

But it's not me anymore, okay? It's not me.

That's who I used to be before I met you.

Before I tamed you, right?

The crazy guy. The Seabiscuit.

He meets a sweet, great, down-to-earth girl

who just changes him into a better man.

Wait, baby, baby, wait. You didn't change me.

I changed myself because I fell in love with you.

I wanted to be a better person.

You made me so happy that I wanted to change.

I'm sorry. I-- I need you.

I can't be myself without you.

[INAUDIBLE]

[ACOUSTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFLES] This is so beautiful.

That was breathtaking, to witness that.

Jon just ran down there and...

[EXHALES]

Laid it all on the line, you know,

and Lissy had some things to say.

Uh, they worked it out.

[SOBS] They're gonna be fine.

Everybody's gonna be happy.

I'm really happy and they're having sex.

[LAUGHS]

I should probably leave them to the...

lovemaking.

Yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

DAPHNE: Phil, where were you?

[SIGHS] We're good.

They're having sex on the beach.

[LAUGHS] Really?And it's gonna be hot

'cause I've taped it.DAPHNE: Okay.

DAPHNE: Phil, that's not appropriate.

Babe, not for the main cut, okay.

But maybe like an unrated, kind of like, you know, version.

Well, I know another good scene for the unrated version.

You should ask Cal about it.

[CHUCKLES]DAPHNE: Oh, wow.

Because you guys...

Cal!

Cal! Cal, Cal.

Tell me some stories. What's goin' on?

What happened? How was your night?I've got no stories.

Bullroar.

Come on, lay it on me. You're Cal.

What I... I heard there was some sex with Tam.

Phil, I don't wanna talk about it.

You okay?

Cal?

Did you get raped?

I tell you what. We get back to LA,

we can have another threesome.

And this time we can have a really hot girl.

Tammy, stop playing games.No, I swear to God.

That'd be nice.

PHIL: Hey, you two. Everything cool?ELISSA: We're okay.

So?We're fine.

TAMMY: Don't do that anymore.

Don't do that.Yeah.

Don't do... No fighting.

Thank you.All right.

Did you just get laid?

Girl, yeah!

So, who actually did it? Who blew Jon?

Nobody knows. I mean...

guess what happens in Nicaragua stays in Nicaragua.

Oh. That's Las Vegas, though.

But we can't use that in the movie. That's copyrighted.

WOMAN: Yes.

Bye.Bye, I love you, man.

LINC: Okay, guys, come on.

I don't wanna say goodbye to you.

Oh, yeah.

ELISSA: Bye!

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

That's a cut.

That's a...[LAUGHS]

DAPHNE: Wrap.That's a wrap.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, guys? Come on in.IVAN: How are you, Phil?

Okay, guys, I'm gonna be right back.All right.

Oh, my God. Are these the "Save the dates"?

Oh, these are amazing.

This is incredible.

We're doing it, guys. Life is pretty good right now.

That's not funny.I'm just sayin', dude.

My tip misses your tip.Linc.

[CHUCKLES]

Guys, a week ago

I got a little package in the mail from Nicaragua.

I think it's the BJ tape.

Oh, my God.

I haven't even watched it yet. I was saving it for you guys.

I just made us some popcorn. Daph's not here.

Yes, do it!Let's do it.

Thank you.

Oh, and if you don't mind,

grabbing some reactions while we watch it.

I think that'd be pretty.

You want us to film each other while we watch this video?

Yeah, man, outtakes. It'll be hilarious.

You all know it was Linc's chick?No, it wasn't.

She was just a girl I met in Mexico.

Come on, that woman has shark teeth in her mouth.

Guys, Linc, come on.

IVAN: There we are. Guys...

Maggie and her sleeping prey.

She's gonna do it.Open wide, Mag, engulf that.

You know you're going to.[GOAT BLEATS]

ALL: Whoa!

It's a goat.

LINC: Oh, my God. What's that goat doing?

Come on, goat, do it.

I buy it. Goats are docile creatures.

Maggie's makin' a comeback here.Bullshit.

That's goat's gonna suck that dick. Suck that dick, goat.

Yeah, suck that dick, goat.

CAL: Wait, what happened?What?

LINC: What is that?

I think someone's blocking the camera.

Who is that?I don't know.

Who are you?

That's the woman you punched in the face.

PHIL: What? you punched that hefty gal?LINC: Yeah.

She's gonna do it, man.

No way. It was Linc's chick.

No, no, watch, watch, watch. Big fun's coming.

CAL: Yeah, yeah.PHIL: Oh, my...

Got it.Oh, my God.

Open that big mouth!

PHIL: Oh, my God.

DAPHNE: Phil.

Wait, is that Daphne?

What?CAL: Wait, what?

I can't keep doing this, Phil.

What's she doing in Jon's room?

DAPHNE: I need a man that can get hard.

No, I mean, we fixed that. This whole information.

I can make people come.

God, what is wrong with her?She's tripping balls.

I did give her the Mexican Ambien for her night terrors.

Shh!

I bet Jon can come.

I bet I can make Jon come.

CAL: What?God, please don't blow him.

LINC: Oh.

No, no, no.

Holy shit.

LINC: Fuck. Oh, what the fuck?

That's coming out.DAPHNE: I don't feel good.

[PHIL SIGHS]

Phil, bro, that wasn't even a blow job, man.

Seriously, she just bit him.

That was the exact medical procedure that you would follow

if Jon had gotten a snake bite on his penis.

You okay, Phil?DAPHNE: Hey, guys.

Daphne. Phil showed you the wedding video?

Yes, he did.Oh, my gosh. It's so good, right?

Tour de force.Yeah.

It's so outrageous.

I can't believe some of the things you did.

It was wild.

It got a little out of control.Yeah.

You guys should be a little embarrassed.

Oh, yeah.It was humiliating, man.

DAPHNE: Baby, you okay?

You're not talking a lot.

Why don't we take off?CAL: Yeah.

LINC: Hey, enjoy your night.IVAN: Here you go.

Holy shit.That was fucked up.

CAL: Let's go, let's go. Come on.

LINC: Guys, shh.

Everything cool, babe?

LINC: What's he gonna do?CAL: I don't know. Look at him.

IVAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.

CAL: He looks fucking pissed.LINC: He's furious.

LINC: Oh, no.CAL: Holy shit.

You've been a naughty girl, Daph.

Seems you've been bad. You know?

I've been a bad girl.Mm-hmm.

CAL: Dude, he's channeling his rage.IVAN: What?

CAL: Yeah. Look at him.

That is pretty fucking Phil.

♪ Wham bam here I am Goddess of the glitter glam ♪

♪ Yes catch a breath Gotcha eating out of my hand ♪

♪ Wham bam thank you ma'am! Now I'm here the party is on ♪

♪ Wow check me out don't know What you've got till it's gone ♪

♪ Friday morning on the train I got my black suit ♪

♪ On my office pumps again ♪

♪ Work is such a bitch She wants it yesterday ♪

♪ Nobody hears a word I say ♪

♪ Can't wait for the time When I can shed my skin ♪

♪ You can't read my mind But if you're wonderin' ♪

♪ I'm somebody else You ain't met me before ♪

♪ I'll put my real face on And open the door ♪

♪ Wham bam here I am! Goddess of the glitter glam ♪

♪ Yes catch a breath, Gotcha eating out of my hand ♪

♪ Wham bam thank you ma'am! Now I'm here the party is on ♪

♪ Wow check me out Don't know what you've got ♪

♪ Till it's gone ♪

♪ Friday nights were made For this ♪

♪ I got my red dress on with Slits right up the back ♪

♪ Lipstick check hot cherry red A perfect ten ♪

♪ And there ain't nothing wrong With that ♪

♪ DJ knows what to play Needle droppin' the sounds ♪

♪ Pump the beat through my veins Ain't no stoppin me now ♪

♪ Takin over the room When I'm out on the floor ♪

♪ Get your game face on And open the door ♪

♪ Wham bam here I am! Goddess of the glitter glam ♪

♪ Yes catch a breath, Gotcha eating out of my hand ♪

♪ Wham bam thank you ma'am! Now I'm here the party is on ♪

♪ Wow check me out don't know What you've got till it's ♪

♪ Wham bam here I am! Goddess of the glitter glam ♪

♪ Yes catch a breath, Gotcha eating out of my hand ♪

♪ Wham bam thank you ma'am! Now I'm here the party is on ♪

♪ Wow check me out ♪

♪ Don't know what you've got Till it's gone ♪

♪ Yeah that's right

♪ You got something To show me? ♪

♪ Come over here then

♪ Wow!

♪ Boys they really like me

♪ Girls all wanna fight me

♪ Looking for some action Give it up, live it up ♪

♪ Turn the freakin' music up! ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh o-oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh o-oh ♪

♪ Wham bam here I am! Goddess of the glitter glam ♪

♪ Yes catch a breath Gotcha eating out of my hand ♪

♪ Wham bam thank you ma'am! Now I'm here the party is on ♪

♪ Wow check me out don't know What you've got till it's ♪

♪ Wham bam here I am! Goddess of the glitter glam ♪

♪ Yes catch a breath, Gotcha eating out of my hand ♪

♪ Wham bam thank you ma'am! Now I'm here the party is on ♪

♪ Wow check me out ♪

♪ Don't know what you've got Till it's gone ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh o-oh ♪

♪ You don't know what you've got Till its gone ♪

♪ Till its gone gone gone Gone gone ♪

♪ Baby gone gone gone gone ♪

♪ Till it's gone ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh o-oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh o-oh ♪

♪ Till it's gone ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh o-oh ♪

♪ Till its gone gone gone gone ♪

♪ Gone

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]