All language subtitles for Big.School S01E04_English

Now, we're going to start today's lesson
with Mr Church's fun experiment time.

Now, who would like to see
the power of methane?

Pat, if you could have the, er,
fire extinguisher ready.

So, the methane...

FART

THE KIDS LAUGH

Yes, yes, all right.

All right.
That wasn't the experiment.

This is the experiment.

[BURNING SOUND]

Hey, sir, do that fart one again!

THE KIDS LAUGH

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

When I think about the days

There is something of a haze
about it

When we said we'd never change

Well, we never stopped
to think about it

No, we're not the same

But let's not break the chain

We should play this game
together.

Things have been difficult
for Josh at home, cos his mum left.

-Mm. Where did she go?
-Kenya.

We went for a safari holiday.

Josh had always wanted to see
a hippopotamus, hadn't you, mate?

It was on that holiday...

that my wife fell in love
with a Masai tribesman.

Aah, really? I have some
photographic books at home.

Superb muscle definition.

As you know,
Josh is usually so outgoing,

-but he's been quite subdued.
-I imagine

the Masai lovemaking
is very animalistic.

So if you could just
let his teachers know.

-What?
-About Josh's situation.

Yeah...
Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

Thank you, Ms. Baron.
Come on, mate. Go home.

Does the tribe indulge
in sexual sharing?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Seven across,
"revered philosopher."

Clarkson.

Um, can I just have everyone's
attention for a moment?

Could we have silence, please?
Sarah has an announcement.

Thank you. Over to you, Sarah.

-Thank you.
-My pleasure.

Um, there is a boy in my tutor
group called Josh Hardy

who is having some
problems at home.

-Ha! Heh! Join the club.
-What happened?

It's just a private family matter.

-His mum's on sex safari.
-No!

No. Let's just all pretend
that we didn't hear that.

We don't need to know
exactly what has happened.

We just need to know
that something has happened.

And it has happened,
so just please bear in mind

that Josh is having a...

I'm going to say "challenging".
"Challenging time."

Finished?

Yeah.

Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you.

That was very sensitively put.

Oh, well, thank you.

I've always been one of those people
that others come to with a problem.

It's a blessing and curse.

It's mainly a blessing,
but it can also a curse.

I think you're right
not to let the other teachers

know the specific details.

But what are the specific details?

Um...

I can trust you
to keep this to yourself?

No one to tell.

Well, um...

Josh's mother has started
a relationship with a non-white,

black gentleman...

from the continent of, um, Africa.

He's a Masai tribesman.

-Coloured chap, I take it.
-You can't say "coloured" any more.

No. No, no. But, yes.

Yes, he is a Masai tribesman.
They do tend to be coloured!

I mean, black. You know.

No, I mean, Afro-Caribbean.

Well, not-not Caribbean.
He's from Africa. So...

Afro-ican.

Is that the phrase we use now?

-Yeah. Afro-ican.
-Hey, Saz.

Er, she's called Sarah,
and please respect personal boundaries.

Josh is in my first lesson
and I was wondering,

should I say something to the class?

No! No, no, no, no.
He wouldn't want everyone to know.

Got it. Got it. Keep it schtum.

Of course, drama
can be the most therapeutic therapy.

I was thinking of offering Josh
a part in my school play.

Oh, yes!
Oh, yes, that would be lovely.

Um, just checking,
you're not doing the Lion King?

No.

Great.

No, I think
that would really help Josh

get over the thing that I know about
but can't tell you about.

I look forward to reviewing it
in the school mag.

SHE CHUCKLES
No, no, no.

I am not letting you anywhere
near any more of my productions.

Janine, I have been
the theater reviewer for The Almanac

for the past 15 years.

And in all that time,

you have never once said anything
remotely pleasant about my work!

That is a mendacious smear!
Mendacious!

"Mrs Klebb's production
was a thought-provoking piece."

"And the thought it provoked was,"

'why doesn't someone
strangle Mrs Klebb?'"

"Annie, get your gun,"

"and put the audience
out of its misery."

"Tommy."

"Oh, to be truly
deaf, dumb and blind."

I'm not sure
this is a fair cross section.

Would you please read the review

of my kabuki performance
of The Crucible.

"In Salem,
they burned witches at the stake."

"If only we could bring back
that fine tradition for Mrs Klebb."

That is not a review.
That is a personal attack.

-It's both.
-From now on,

I think it's best if someone else
reviews the school plays.

-What?
-I've made my decision.

Thank you for your clear judgment
in this matter, headmistress.

I hereby tender my resignation
as theater reviewer for The Almanac.

-You've been fired.
-Well, I resign as well.

-It's too late.
-Well, just so you know,

I thought about resigning
a few seconds before you sacked me.

That's it.

I'm putting you on crosswords.

Crosswords?

That's dis-gracious!

Utterly dis-gracious!

Everything okay?

She's put me on crosswords.

SHE GASPS
That's awful!

-In what?
-The Almanac.

-What's that?
-The school magazine.

Right. Oh! Didn't know we had one.

SHE CHUCKLES
Does anyone read it?

No, of course not,
but it's the principle that counts!

America, keep your bombs

America

Keep your guns

Tonight

There's blood on
the Stars and Stripes

That's right

Tonight

Did somebody turn out the light?

Cos I can't sleep tonight

With the light...

GUITAR FADES

STRUMMING RESUMES

...N'night.

Who do you think wrote that song?

A bell-end?

It was actually me, but I'm loving
the banter, keep it coming.

What do you think the song writer
was trying to say about America? Beyonce?

Well, duh! That they don't like it.

Excellent! You've heard the subtext.

Cos when you first listen to it,
you're just like,

"That's a really cool song.
An anthem, even."

But if you really listen carefully,
there's a hidden message.

So, homework...

Boring!

No, guys, this isn't
your average boring homework,

because what I want you to do guys,

is write some lyrics.

THE KIDS GROAN

-What-what-what about?
-Write about your life.

That's what people like me
and Eddie Sheeran do.

Maybe you've split up
with your bitch.

Maybe you're in a funk with your folks cos
they won't let you watch Hollyoaks Late.

Maybe your mum's run off
with a Masai warrior.

Or any kind of
African tribal fella.

Not that that's happened
to anyone in this class.

Oooh...

Come on, bell!

CLOCK TICKS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS
There it is.

MR. GUNN: So...

important match tomorrow.

Somerstown.

More like Bummerstown.

THEY ALL GIGGLE

Just improv'd that.

We've gotta play dirty.

Kick the ball at 'em.

Like this.

HE GROANS
Or in the nads.

Thank you for volunteering.
Good sport.

Time's up, Mr. Gunn! Out!

You what?

We have the sports hall booked
from four o'clock for rehearsals.

I'm not having your drama lot
gaying up my sports hall.

We need to rehearse
Juliet And Romeo.

Swapped the names round.
Well done.

Juliet has taken second billing
for 400 years.

This is my gender re-imagining
of Shakespeare's text.

Didn't understand a word of that.

I need you out
of our rehearsal space.

Look...

WHISPERS: This is very
important therapy for Josh.

Who's Josh?

Oh, right, what, the one
whose mum's banging...

Yep. Yes. Yes.

Well, I don't care.

I mean, I'm banging Deano's mum.

Look, you don't see him
crying about it, do ya?

-We booked the room!
-Don't care. Not budging.

All right, then.

We're not budging, are we, actors?

UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: No...

All right.

You give us 20 quid
and we'll go down the pub.

Boozer!

KIDS: Yes!

Phew! Thank the Lord for that.

Right, so, company, gather.

Now, I have set Juliet And Romeo
in modern-day Ibiza. So...

Please don't touch my sports
equipment, Mrs Klebb! Thank you!

MISS POSTERN: Oh, Mr Church!

There's a seat here.

Thanks. I've got two desserts,
going to get fat!

MISS POSTERN CHORTLES

Oh, J-J-Josh!

Oh! Hello, Josh.

-Oh, no. He's binge-eating now.
-What?

Look, Josh.
He's got a big bucket of chicken.

I got it him for a treat,
cheer him up a bit.

That's the kind of guy I am.
And what d'you get with a Bargain Bucket?

I don't know, what do you get
with a Bargain Bucket?

Free Wall's Viennetta.

-I didn't know that.
-Well, I thought you were clever.

Well, do you really think it's wise
to be giving a big bucket of fried food

and what is essentially
a giant choc-ice to a boy of...

Josh's proportions?

Yes, so he can eat away the pain.

That's what fatties do, innit?

I'll just go over and speak to him.

-Oh, I really don't think...
-Oh, don't worry.

I'm good with little 'uns.
I'll just go and cheer him up.

Oi-oi, check out Hubble.
He's drinking gravy again.

That man should not be allowed
near a Bunsen burner.

Hi, Josh. High-five it.

How you doing, all right?

Bleak news about your mother.

You having that popcorn chicken?

Yeah, well, that's women for you, eh!

They all let you down in the end.

For me, it was my wife who left.

No, no, sit down, sit down. I just...

I just want to put a smile
on your face, eh?

[CHUCKLES]

Anyway, she split the family apart.

Now I'm living in a caravan.

My life's over.

No woman will ever have me.

Some days, I... think I'll just
lie in a ditch, wait for it all to end.

We should start on that Viennetta
before it starts to melt.

It's, er...Nescafe, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Well remembered.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

So I hear you've been removed
as the theatre critic?

I resigned.

Oh, really?
Oh, the Head said you'd been sacked.

It was simultaneous.

I wonder who Baron's
got to replace me.

Probably some Philistine who knows
absolutely nothing about the theatre.

Hm, yeah, it's me!

-Oh, I'm so sorry.
-And so am I.

I didn't want to do it.

But she said it was that
or the crossword

and I thought, "No, thanks,
that's the lowest of the low."

I'm now doing the crossword.

It's brilliant.
That was my second choice.

Got some big plans for it.
Going to be a total reboot.

So, have you had any
experience reviewing?

Yeah. Yeah, I've written loads
of reviews over the years.

Oh! Where can I read them?

Amazon. Mainly cookware.

In fact, last night
I was reviewing a set of sporks.

What's a spork?

It's a spoon and a fork.

Oh! Well, you learn
something new every day!

Will you be coming
to see the play at all?

Oh, no, no, no. I mean,
I had to go when I was reviewer.

But, I mean, they're so awful,
none of the staff go, no.

I'd rather
poke my eyes out with a...

-A spork!
-A spork!

[LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY]

To us.

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Excuse me, Miss Postern.
-Yes?

Er, I'm Josh's dad.

Oh! Oh, yes, hello.

I just wanted to pop by and say
thanks for being so kind to my son.

Oh! He's a pleasure to teach.
He's quite a character.

He's the life and soul of the class.

Sometimes it's a bit difficult
to get a word in.

Isn't that right, Josh?

Well, I think he is going to wow
everyone in the school play.

What part are you playing, Josh?

Well, just make sure
you don't steal the show.

I think it's going to be wonderful.
It's a version of Romeo And Juliet.

Are you all right?

That was my wife's
third-favourite film.

Oh. Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

Um...

Are you all right?

That's awful. I'm sorry.

-This man bothering you?
-Er, this is... this is Josh's dad.

[CHUCKLES] Oh!

Sorry to hear about your wife
running off with the, um...

UNDER BREATH: Masai tribesman.

I thought only you
and the Headmistress knew.

Well, I'm the Deputy Head of Science,

-so I'm pretty high up the food chain.
-Nobody else knows.

Well, the PE teacher did make
a comment in the staff room

about a sex safari,
but he doesn't know the details.

Look, I didn't want
to make things worse for Josh.

Oh, he's dealing with it
really well.

I mean... I mean,
he's such a roister-doister.

Aren't you, eh?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, thanks for your time.

I just popped in to, uh,
buy a ticket for the show.

MR CHURCH: Oh! Rather you than me.

Poor Miss Postern has to sit through
the whole thing, cos she's reviewing it.

I, um... I've actually got a spare ticket,
so you could come with me.

-What?
-Really? That's very kind.

-Are you sure?
-Yes! Yes, of course. Why not?

No, it's crossing a line,
fraternizing with a parent.

Well, if there's
any kind of trouble...

No, no, no. Just ignore him.
You can come with me.

-Thank you.
-That's, er, quite all right.

I will see you Friday night,
then, Mr Hardy.

-Please, Simon.
-No, call him Mr Hardy.

Goodbye, Simon. Bye, Josh.

-Goodbye, Mr Church.
-Yes! Goodbye!

Well, I hope this doesn't drag the
school's good name through the mud.

I know. Mm.

It's a risk I'm willing to take.

You jealous?

-Me?
-Yes, you.

-Jealous?
-Yes.

-Me? No.
-Yes.

-Little bit jealous?
-No.

-A little bit?
-No.

-Tiny bit? Yes!
-Jealous?

Jealous of man whose wife
has left him to live in a mud hut?

We were just discussing
another pupil at the school.

I heard you got sacked
as the theatre reviewer.

I resigned.

-Everyone says you got sacked.
-It was a dead heat.

So, what mug they got
doing it now, then?

Sarah's doing it.

Oh, right. Might go
and see this thing with her.

-Make a bit of a night of it.
-No. She's not going to go with you.

On my suggestion, she's actually
taking Josh's father.

Oh!

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

What? What?

You know what happens when you see
something with a bird, don't ya?

-Enlighten me.
-Well...

he'll have his coat on his lap
and then underneath,

she'll tug him off.

Oh, this is Sarah Postern
we're talking about.

I hardly think that's likely.

No, no, no.
Happened to me last week, mate.

Took some munter to see Andy Parsons.

I was laughing and spaffing at the same
time. Best night of my life, chief!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, Miss Postern.

Oh, please, Sarah.

Are you excited about tonight?

Not really.
I'm missing The One Show.

Thanks again for the tickets.

I picked up a couple of programmes.

Oh! Let's see. Where's Josh?

Oh, there he is!

Josh Hardy...

"Unnamed Servant."

Yeah. I'm proud of him.
I'm sure he's going to be great.

Well, let's see how he does.

Oh, good. You've found your seats.
I saved you the best ones.

Oh, thank you. Yes, um...
This is Janine, the director.

Director, producer, rewriter.
As I put in the programme, "dramaturge."

Now, Sarah, I know
that we are very good friends...

Well...

but, please, please, please, do
not let that influence your review.

I...

Here are some tokens for a complimentary
tea or squash at the interval.

Oh! Don't think you can buy
a good review with a few free soft drinks.

You'll also find a box of
Celebrations under your seat.

Understood.
JANINE SNIFFS

MR CHURCH: Good evening.

Oh.

-So you are here.
-Yes.

-So you are a little bit jealous.
-No.

-Little bit jealous.
-No.

-Hmm, tiny bit.
-No.

-Sure?
-Yep.

-Positive?
-Yep.

Hmm. Not convinced.

Hello, everyone,
and welcome to Greybridge.

Now, recently the school
has come under fire

for not putting enough resources
into extracurricular activities.

And that is why I'm here tonight,

for what I hope will be
an unforgettable evening of theatre.

Thank you.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

Thank you so much, Headmistress.

Right, um... Now, just, um,
a few items of housekeeping.

We have fire exits located
here, here and...

DOOR OPENS

DOOR SLAMS

So, er...

CAR ENGINE STARTS
all that remains

is for me to say that I hope
you enjoy this bold re-imagining

of a play
by William Shakka-speare,

which is how his name would
have been pronounced in Elizabethan times.

MR CHURCH: Wrong!

I give you the tragedy
of Juliet And Romeo.

Romeo And Juliet.

APPLAUSE

Two house music nights,
both alike.

No diggity.

In fair Ibiza,
where we lay our scene.

PUMPING HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC FADES

You lookin' at me?

-I wasn't lookin' at you.
-Serious, bruv, you lookin' at me?

Have they rewritten
any of these lines?

Of course she's rewritten it!
She's ruined it!

All right! Keep it down. Shh!

Shh! I don't know if you've been
to the theatre before,

but there's actually
no talking, so shh!

Shh, yourself! Shh!

Oh, you've just missed your son.

How was he?

Not great.

ACTOR: ...the Capulets
wear their best clothes.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo!
Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Send.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Getting Nando's. Send.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
JULIET: You coming over later?

-Are you enjoying it?
-I like the Maltesers.

-They are the best ones.
-Oh...

Why don't you shut up?

-Shush!
-JULIET: I'm not that kind of girl!

You have to put a ring on it first.
Send.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

ROMEO: How about some wings instead?
Send.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

PLAY CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY IN BACKGROUND

What are you doing now?

I know your game.

The old "getting tugged off
under the coat" trick.

Ah! Get off!

Can we... Can we move, please?

PLAY CONTINUES INDISTICNTLY
IN THE BACKGROUND

WHISPERS: Sorry about that.

WHISPERS: Yes, good plan.
Much better view.

JULIET: ...Dad, listen to me, please!

I tell thee what!

I forbade you
from copping off with anybody

-from the Ministry of Montague.
-"Copping off"?

Badminton?

WHISPERS: It's not on tonight.

Oh.

MR CHURCH: Best performance
of the evening.

THEY LAUGH
He's not even in it!

-Would you two show some respect?
-Shh!

And we are back in Ibiza!

Thus, I take this rave pill...

SHE COUGHS
and overdose.

ROMEO: Where is my Juliet?

Oh, what? She has OD'd!

This has all gone Pete Tong!

HE GROANS

ROMEO COUGHS

Quick! Get them to Ibiza Hospital.

I think they're gonna be okay.

What?

APPLAUSE

Well, ladies and gentleman,
that is the interval.

Well, it's 10:30.

I have taken the liberty of writing
a whole new second half.

JANINE SIGHS
See you in 15 minutes.

APPLAUSE

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Are you enjoying the production?
-Er...

Well, you'll be glad to hear
there's plenty more to come.

Shakka-speare
must be rolling in his grave.

Why are you such a tosspot?

Oh, come on, don't be like that.
Be the bigger man.

Not bigger like that.

The other... bigger.

Squash?

Not for me, thanks. It's quite
a racket Klebb's got going on there.

15p for a squash?
It's a rip off.

-Hmm, well, I've got free tokens.
-That's bribery.

-Is it?
-On top of the Celebrations, yes.

Cos I thought it was an incentive.

Pretty big incentive.
Bumper box.

Mr Church, I've received complaints
from members of the audience

that you're ruining the play.

You are ruining the play.

Anyway, how many
complaints have you had?

There's only
about 12 people in here!

Why don't you just shove off?

Oh, no. I wouldn't miss this
for the world!

This is going down as one of the worst
productions in school history!

Listen, do yourself a favour
and piss off!

How dare you assault
the Deputy Head of Science?

My boy's up there
and he's showing real talent

and you're ruining it for him!

Your son is beyond talentless!

He's as wooden as a... wooden tree.

How dare you?

I do dare you!

He only got the part because his mum's
having sex with an Afro-ican.

That's it!

Oh...

THUD

"Renaming the play Juliet And Romeo
was an intriguing idea."

"Mrs Klebb's direction
throughout was solid,"

"and her rewriting of Shakespeare's lines
made for an interesting evening."

"Unfortunately,
I did not see the second half"

"as I was punched quite hard
in the face.

"It was a fine effort.
Three out of five."

Yes!

I'm glad
that you're happy with it.

Oh! Well,
it's not about me, is it?

It's about the kids, the kids
who worked so hard on the production.

Yes, and, er...

-thank you for the book tokens.
-Oh!

Don't forget to check out
my crossword.

Oh!

One across, "dramatic failure."

Travesty. Easy!

Boys! I hope
you're not bullying Josh.

We ain't bullying him!
Man's a legend!

Really? His stepdad's a warrior!

-Kills zebras an' shit.
-Yes, well,

I think you'll find that's poaching

but, um, it's good
that you're making friends.

And, um,
congratulations on the school play.

You really were perfectly...

adequate.

"Dire event."

Calamity.

Calamitous.

Well...

I can't sit around watching you
do the crossword all day.

If you'll excuse me.

Have a lovely day.

Juliet.

Romeo.

Intellectual poverty.

Dung?

Witch?

Bastard!

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

Just get on
with some private reading.

Where is he?

BANGING ON DOOR

Open this door!

Oh! Hello, Pat.

BANGING CONTINUES

Mr Church! Come out here!

BANGING CONTINUES

Church!

2.5k swim, 110k bike ride,
and then a marathon.

What, all in my wet bikini?

MS BARON: This is a new low
for the school.

What's the matter? You
never seen a huge donger before?

DRYER BLOWS

What's a "sex man"?
A man who has sex. Regularly.

MRS KLEBB: They're fighting!

I'm sorry, but I've got men
fighting over me!

When I think about the days

There is something of a haze
about it

When you said we'd never change

Well, we never stopped
to think about it

No, we're not the same

But let's not break the chain

We should play this game
together.