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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,200 Now, as it's Friday afternoon. 2 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,040 I have a special treat for you. 3 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:09,760 This little experiment I like to call "Elephant's toothpaste". 4 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:14,400 All I do is mix some hydrogen peroxide and potassium iodine 5 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:19,000 and pour it into a beaker of ordinary, everyday washing-up liquid! 6 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,200 Ready? 7 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,360 [POURING SOUND] 8 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,840 FIZZING 9 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:42,600 Is that it? 10 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,240 Yes. 11 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,120 SCHOOL BELL RINGING 12 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:48,240 Can we go now? 13 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,560 Yes. 14 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,480 Right, Pat. We'd better get this cleaned up. 15 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:02,680 [GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING] 16 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,160 I didn't get any on me. Thank you, Pat, thank you. 17 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:12,520 When I think about the days. There is something of a haze about it. 18 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,600 When we said we'd never change 19 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,880 Well, we never stopped to think about it. 20 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,960 No, we're not the same. 21 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:29,160 But, let's not break the chain 22 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,920 We should play this game together. 23 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,080 [WHISPERS]Psst! Psst! 24 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,000 [WHISPERS]Austin Allegro. 25 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,920 [WHISPERING]What are you doing? 26 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,880 I[WHISPERING]I think a deals about to go down. 27 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:57,440 Get in. 28 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,760 -A drugs deal? -Yes. 29 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,080 There's no need to whisper while we're in the car, actually. 30 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,720 Just, pop your seat back so you don't get spotted. 31 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,320 [CREAKING] 32 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,800 Oh! I didn't know it went back this far. 33 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:23,440 That lad there was expelled last year for possessing...the drugs. 34 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,800 One expulsion? 35 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,880 That's nothing. In my last school, there was double that. 36 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,760 -We had a very serious drugs problem. -Well, I think you'll find it's worseat this school 37 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:32,840 It was an epidemic. 38 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,280 Well, here it's a pandemic. 39 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,760 Well, let's just agree, that it's a sad fact 40 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,520 that drugs are an issue in all schools. 41 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,880 -Particularly this one. -And the one I used to work at. 42 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,360 Anyway, I want to talk to you about Draughts Club. 43 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,400 Whatever you do, don't let Barber offload that onto you. 44 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,920 Hmm...He already has. 45 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,400 But I had a thought. 46 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:50,600 Oh, shh, shh! 47 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,120 -Hello! -Hello! 48 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,040 I thought seeing as you run Chess Club. 49 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,360 Oh, I founded it. 50 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:05,480 Why don't we merge it with Draughts Club? Call it "Chaughts"? 51 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,120 It's a bold idea, Sarah. 52 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,080 -So is that a yes? -Shh! 53 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,840 Oh, no. 54 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,680 [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] 55 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:14,840 MALE TEACHER: Oh, yes. 56 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:18,360 [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] 57 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,000 [KNOCK AT DOOR] Come in. 58 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,840 Right, if it's about the trampoline, I've absolutely no ideahow it got on e Bay. 59 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,840 Mr Gunn, I've summoned you here, 60 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:30,000 because Mr Church has made a rather serious allegation. 61 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,320 Drugs. 62 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,480 What? 63 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,760 You've been buying drugs from a drugs pusher and you've got drugs! 64 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,560 No, I haven't. 65 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,240 The camera never lies. 66 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,600 Care to explain yourself, Mr Gunn? 67 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,240 Oh, that? Yeah. No, no, no, I wasn't, um... 68 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,840 I wasn't buying drugs, 69 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,520 I was, er, I was confiscating them. 70 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,240 Well, if that's the case, Mr Gunn, why did you give the boy money? 71 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,240 Cause he was collecting for a Blue Peter appeal. 72 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,200 Balderdash, Mr Gunn. 73 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,120 Balderdash. 74 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,520 If you care to leave us now, Mr Church. 75 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,240 Certainly, Headmistress. 76 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,000 Balderdash! 77 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:19,360 Empty your pockets. 78 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,440 Oh, this is good shit. 79 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:47,600 [GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING] 80 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,080 Oh! It is good shit. 81 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,520 Right, can I have a bit of quiet, please? 82 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,800 Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh! I can still hear chattering. 83 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,760 Thank you. I have some very important news. 84 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,240 Mr Gunn has been sacked. 85 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,520 Ah, so they finally found him, 86 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,560 watching dirty movies in the computer room, eh? 87 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:14,120 It must be for siphoning petrol out of the minibus. 88 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,640 Was it for hiring the sports hall out for illegal raves? Look, I only went to one. 89 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,160 It was actually none of those. 90 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,560 But thank you for bringing them to my attention. 91 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,840 No, it's much more serious than that. 92 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:27,480 Mr Gunn was caught buying the drug...marijuana. 93 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,400 Just out of interest, who was selling it? 94 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,360 That's not important. What's important now 95 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,560 is that Mr Gunn is no longer a teacher at this school. 96 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,280 All right! Where's the biccies? I've got the munchies. 97 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,160 But you've been sacked! 98 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:44,760 Oh, I don't think so. 99 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,040 And you reek of drugs! 100 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,960 Well, I have to know what I'm dealing with, don't I? 101 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,120 Oh, this is a dark day for the school, a very dark day. 102 00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,560 Is this your Scotch egg? 103 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,360 You know damn well it's my Scotch egg. 104 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,680 That is deeply offentious! 105 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,800 Oh, I haven't even started yet, Churchy. 106 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,400 -You've just missed her. -Where is she? 107 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,800 Nipped to the garage to get some Jaffa Cakes. 108 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,360 MISS POSTERN: We need to get across the anti-drugs message to the kids. 109 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,840 Well, then a song will be perfect. 110 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,680 We just need to find one that tells the kids the drugs don't work. 111 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,000 They just make it worse. 112 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,400 Yes, exactly. I'll do some research online, 113 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,160 see if anyone's written one with that kind of message. 114 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,240 I thought you'd brought a packed lunch today. 115 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,400 I did. 116 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,240 But my Scotch egg was despoiled. 117 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,960 And I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches. 118 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,920 All right, Keith? Are you a music fan? 119 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,240 I like the early stuff. 120 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,720 Luke and I are going to sing an anti-drugs song in assembly. 121 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:16,880 It'll mainly be me. 122 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,560 I'll be on tambourines and backing vocals. 123 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,040 In the business we call them BVs. 124 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,960 Otherwise you'd for ever be saying, "backing vocals, backing vocals, 125 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,240 "backing vocals." When it's much quicker to say BVs. 126 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:27,680 You don't want to waste everyone's time. 127 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:28,920 Yes, we get the picture. 128 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,400 Well, if you need a red-hot oboe player... 129 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,200 Not really. Oboes are not really part of my sound. 130 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,520 Well, what is your sound? 131 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:40,520 It's somewhere between Oasis and...Beady Eye. 132 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,560 Oh, an eclectic mix! 133 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:44,960 When do you want to get together and rehearse? 134 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,840 Not sure yet. I'll drop you a message on Facebook. 135 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,960 -Laters. -Laters. 136 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,440 How often does Luke send you a message on Facebook? 137 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,920 Sarah, please be honest with me. 138 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,080 Quite often, why? 139 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,960 Well, I'd hate for you to get a reputation. 140 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,480 A reputation...as what? 141 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,400 As a woman who has... Many partners. 142 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,920 I can't help it if every male member of staff 143 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,040 and one female member of staff find me attractive. 144 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,400 You need to clear your own tray. 145 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,000 I'm two moves away from checkmate, sir. 146 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,680 I admire the cut of your jib, Grandmaster Nicholas. 147 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,800 But, I'm not sure you'd bargained. 148 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,960 On me doing...this. 149 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,680 I had. 150 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,240 Which is an excellent juncture to end today's Chess Club. 151 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,400 -I was one move away from checkmate. -I Know. 152 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,680 I need your help with something. 153 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,600 Put the board away and meet me in the computer room. 154 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:57,880 [WHISTLE] 155 00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,600 Run! 156 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:05,520 Duck! 157 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:09,880 GUNN: You all right, babes? 158 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,560 I just want you to know that, I've walked in your shoes. 159 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,240 It's metaphorically. 160 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,320 You what? 161 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,080 I'm an addict...too. 162 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:23,800 What you addicted to? 163 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,520 Highlighter pens. 164 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,040 Sniffing 'em? 165 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,520 No, highlighting things. 166 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,440 It got to the stage where I'd highlighted everything 167 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,400 there was nothing left to highlight. 168 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,680 Textbooks, magazines, newspapers, receipts, 169 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,880 phone cards, those little Bibles that you find in hotels. 170 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,560 it all just became one luminous blur of colours. 171 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,480 -Sounds like a nightmare. -Hmm. 172 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,840 Well, it's worse than a nightmare, Trevor, because it's real. 173 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,080 Well, something had to change. 174 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,720 And that's when my sponsor suggested that I just use the, 175 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,920 fluorescent yellow one to highlight key words and phrases, 176 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,440 and that's what I do now. 177 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,040 Come here. Come on. 178 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,600 Shall we take a quick shower? 179 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,240 Sex addiction. That's one of the new ones... 180 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,680 isn't it? 181 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,000 Mm-hem. 182 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,240 Move! 183 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,560 I've done a bit of research online and I've printed this out for you. 184 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,440 Had a bit of a relapse. 185 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:35,800 Ah, there you are, Nicholas. 186 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,720 Yes, I need you to help me get onto Facebook. 187 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:39,920 Yes, sir. 188 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,720 Is there an application form I need to print out? 189 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,520 No, I've done it. You're on Facebook. 190 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,520 Oh! That was quick. [MESSAGE ALERT] 191 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,080 Oh, you've already got a friend request. 192 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,160 -Dear God. -Shall I accept? 193 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,760 No, no, no, no. Leave it. 194 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,000 OK. Let's do your profile, sir. 195 00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,480 Likes? 196 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:01,440 -Milk. -Anything else? 197 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:02,560 No. 198 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,880 [TYPING NOISE] 199 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,120 Favourite music? 200 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:11,480 Well, I like a real range of stuff anything from Oasis to Beady Bye. 201 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,720 [TYPING NOISE] 202 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,920 -Favourite TV shows? -The news. 203 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,040 And? 204 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,160 The weather. 205 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,360 -Sports? -Just put, "no, thank you". 206 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,240 -Dislikes? -War. 207 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:30,320 And wasps. 208 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,560 And wasps down... 209 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,480 Relationship status? 210 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,320 It's complicated, so I wouldn't know what to put down. 211 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,680 Oh, they have that...Hmm. 212 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,000 Any particular friend you wanted to add first? 213 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,640 Oh, I hadn't really thought about that. 214 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,320 What's the name of that new French teacher? 215 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,400 Miss Postern? 216 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:50,840 Yes, well, it would be nice to add her. 217 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:52,880 I've sent a request. 218 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,800 Well, she's taking an awfully long time about it. 219 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,480 I'm sorry, sir, my mum's picking me up now. 220 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,120 Oh, yes, yes. 221 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,280 Sir... 222 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,400 Can I ask your advice about something? 223 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,400 I'm sorry, Nicholas, this is Chess Club, so... 224 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,560 If it's not something to do with chess, it's inappropriate. 225 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,280 -Morning, Sarah. -I wasn't. 226 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,000 Oh...hello. 227 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,760 There's a note in your pigeon-hole. 228 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,600 Oh. Is it from you? 229 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:39,120 Yes. 230 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,240 Did you just put it there? 231 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,360 Yes. 232 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,240 Could you just bring it over? 233 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,520 If it's easier. 234 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:49,920 Thank you. 235 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,400 "Sarah, I sent you a friend request on Facebook 236 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,680 "and would be delighted if you choose to accept. 237 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,280 "Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science." 238 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,400 Oh, right, OK. 239 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:12,720 There. Done! 240 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,160 I was just wondering, when's a good time to get together 241 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,640 to discuss the Draughts and Chess Club merger? 242 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,200 Well, we can discuss it now, if you want. 243 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,920 Well, there's quite a lot of ground to cover.I think it's best we do it outof school time. 244 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,360 I'm not earwigging, I'm just toasting some gluten-free bread. 245 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:27,840 Carry on. 246 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,840 Um, when were you thinking? 247 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,160 Well, I was thinking perhaps, um... 248 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,600 Yes? 249 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,360 Well, I was thinking, um... 250 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,160 Don't worry. I'm not listening in. 251 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:45,160 Well, I was thinking you might like to come over... 252 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,280 Come over where? 253 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,520 I think it's best I send you a message. 254 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,440 Sarah, I just want you to know 255 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,160 I have not told a soul 256 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,880 what I saw the pair of you getting up to in the car yesterday. 257 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,760 We just reclined the seats. 258 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,160 [CHUCKLES] 259 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:08,080 You don't need to pretend with me. [WHISPERING]Don't worry, I keep shtoom. 260 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:14,200 -Sarah, Ms Baron wants to see you. -What about? 261 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:15,680 Dogging. 262 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:22,680 [GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING] 263 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,000 -What are these chairs doing here? -Don't you ever bloody knock? 264 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,400 -Oh, you're a disgrace. -Oh, am I? 265 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,200 Yes, and not just to yourself, but to the PE department. 266 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,160 And the entire teaching fraternity. 267 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:36,800 You want to watch your back, Churchy. 268 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:37,920 Yes, or what? 269 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,680 Or one of these days you might wake up with a horse's head in your bed. 270 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,200 And where would you get a horse's head from? 271 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:47,240 Safe-ways. I know the fellah that works the meat slice. 272 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,240 Degenerate! 273 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:53,960 Oi! Oi! 274 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,040 You're the gr-generate! 275 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,920 [TYPING NOISE] 276 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,080 Oh, Miss Postern? Miss Postern! 277 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,520 Nearly with you. 278 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,400 Almost there. Almost, almost. 279 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:30,000 -And...here I am. -Hello, Keith. 280 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,240 Oh, best not to use first names in front of the children. 281 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,560 Oh, right. Erm, well... 282 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,760 Right, well, I was just dashing off to teach 9C, so... 283 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,720 Oh, just wondered if you'd had a chance to digest my latest message? 284 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,080 I'll just check now, shall I? 285 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,200 Here it is. 286 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,000 -"Dear Sarah, I trust you're well..." -trust you're well 287 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,080 "...draughts and chess merger... Saturday night." 288 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,800 I am never free on a Saturday night. 289 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,080 Oh, yes, of course, sorry. 290 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:00,760 Except this Saturday night. 291 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,720 Oh, wonderful! 292 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,160 -Shall I, er, lay on a spread? -Oh! 293 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,520 Just some nibbles. Shall I come over after Strictly? 294 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,880 Which I usually have to record because I'm always out. 295 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,960 Well, why don't we watch Strictly together 296 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,280 and then discuss the merger? 297 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,120 Oh, are you into Strictly? 298 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,520 Oh, yes. Very much. 299 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,160 Oh, I think the standard this year is the best ever. 300 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:24,200 I was going to say it myself the standard this year is the best ever. 301 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,520 The judges say it every year, but this time it is actually true. 302 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,280 Oh, those judges, they do say it! 303 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,680 Oh, I'm so glad you're following it! 304 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,800 -Who do you think is gonna win? -Oh, there's a question. 305 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,400 Who's gonna...win it? 306 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,600 Who? Who's gonna...win it? Er... 307 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,360 Not seen it, have you? 308 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:42,600 -No. -No. 309 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,040 One more night, 310 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,800 [DOORBELL RINGING] 311 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:02,640 Sausage roll? 312 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,360 Hello! 313 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,040 Hello. Would you like a sausage roll? 314 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,880 Not right now. I'll probably take my coat off first. 315 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,480 Oh, yes, yes. 316 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,280 The toilet's there, if you need it. 317 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,280 I don't at the moment. 318 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,440 Probably be needing it later. Come through. 319 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,520 -Sandwich? -That's a lot of food. 320 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,720 Oh, just a cold buffet. Pickled egg? 321 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,080 Is it all for us? 322 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,600 Anything we don't eat tonight, I'll just graze on during the week. 323 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,200 Right. Oh. Oh! 324 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,800 Well, let's get this party started! 325 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,400 [APPLAUSE ON TV] 326 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,160 Oh, yes, my love, you were wicked! 327 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,840 So some are professional dancers and some are celebrities? 328 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,240 Yes, that's right. 329 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,120 And the marks are out of ten? 330 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,000 Of course, the marks are out of ten. 331 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,520 -The most sensible metric to have. -Sorry. 332 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,000 It's my favourite TV programme and it is quite annoying 333 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,200 with you constantly asking questions and making comments. 334 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,400 Oh, I'm sorry. I won't say another thing. 335 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,440 What a feeling, what a dance! 336 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,200 KEITH: So has the one on the end there got a wife? 337 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,320 No, of course he hasn't got a wife, he's gay! 338 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,080 Well, I don't know who's gay and who isn't gay. 339 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,800 -Well, does it matter if he's gay? -No, it doesn't matter if he's gay. 340 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,080 I just can't keep up with who's gay and who isn't gay these days. 341 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,280 Could you please be quiet? 342 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,920 -I am being quiet. -Shh! 343 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,640 An amazing tango section at the end. That was absolutely... 344 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,120 So is the one on the other end gay? 345 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,800 Yeah, yeah, they're all gay. 346 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,240 Everyone on the show is gay. 347 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,560 Everyone on TV is gay, all right? 348 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,880 -Mini quiche? -No, no, no. 349 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,160 I would like another drink of wine, though, please. 350 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,280 I'm afraid you've had all the wine. 351 00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,960 Oh, well, what else have you got? 352 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:02,800 Milk 353 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,880 Yakult? 354 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,480 -No, I want another "drink" drink. -Must have something. 355 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:12,960 Ah! 356 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,160 Here we go. Been saving it for a special occasion. 357 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,880 -Turnip liqueur. -Ooh! 358 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,880 [POURING NOISE] 359 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:29,880 God! 360 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,680 That is quite rooty. 361 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:38,080 That'll be the turnips. I'm just making another trip to thecold buffet. 362 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,560 Can I get you anything? 363 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,520 Are there any chipolatas left? 364 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:43,920 There's a few. 365 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,360 ...Truth... 366 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,800 And I owe it all to you... 367 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,000 Oh, I love this song! 368 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:51,840 Ooh! 369 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,160 Check out Patrick Swayze. 370 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,600 Oh, check out the... 371 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,760 The lady in the film. 372 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,240 Put the chipolatas down. 373 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,960 ...We saw the writing on the wall 374 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:07,600 As we felt this magical fantasy... 375 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,800 -Oh, we haven't discussed the merger! -What? 376 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:11,240 The Chess and Draughts Club merger! 377 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,440 Oh, well, um, do you want to do it? 378 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,400 Yes. Oh, well, so do I. 379 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,600 That was easy, wasn't it? 380 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,080 Never felt this way before. 381 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,520 Yes, I swear 382 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,120 It's the truth... 383 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,320 Should we do the lift? 384 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,640 Well, how much do you weigh? 385 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,360 That's, um, quite a personal question. 386 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,840 Well, it's more of a physics question. 387 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,520 About nine stone two, but I've got quite a lot in my pockets. 388 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,080 Hm. Give it a go. 389 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,400 Ooh! 390 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,920 [CHEERING ON TV] 391 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,120 [DOORBELL RINGING] 392 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,720 Oh, go away, we're doing dirty dancing! 393 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,480 I should just go and see who it is. 394 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,920 [DOORBELL RINGING] 395 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,320 Pop you down. 396 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,000 Oh, some chipolatas there to keep you going. 397 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,080 CHEERING 398 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,000 -What's going on, Churchy? -What are you doing here? 399 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,720 -We're here for the party. -There is no party. 400 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,440 Don't worry, sir. Bring a bottle. 401 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,080 POSTERN: Let them in! 402 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,960 Oh, wicked! Look, Scotch eggs! 403 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,960 Well, leave some for your French teacher. 404 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:23,200 DANNY BYRD - Blaze The Fire 405 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:27,120 DANNY BYRD - Blaze The Fire 406 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,680 Why are you all here? 407 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,600 You invited us, sir. 408 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,480 -I did no such thing. -Er, yeah, you did...on Facebook. 409 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:37,560 What? 410 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,560 -Sir, it's not...it's not budging. -Manyou, what are you doing with my oboe? 411 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,200 Just trying to unblock your bog, sir. 412 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:01,440 Come on! Let's have a dance! 413 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:06,920 Miss, why are you dancing with Mr Church? You boning him? 414 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,880 Well, I don't think that's biologically possible. 415 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,680 Come on! Let's show them how to par-tez! 416 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,840 Oh, hello, Pat. 417 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,680 MUSIC STOPS PLAYING. 418 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,400 -Right. -What are you doing? 419 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,800 -Can I have a bit of quiet, please? -What's he doing? 420 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:33,160 -I can still hear talking! -Turn the music back on! 421 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:36,440 Don't be so boring, Keith! 422 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,080 Not in front of the children! 423 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,040 -His name's Keith! -Keith! 424 00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:44,360 [CHANTING]Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! 425 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,440 Come on, it's Saturday night! 426 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,480 Let's go bonkers. 427 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,320 -You're actually kinda cool, Miss. -Don't sound so surprised! 428 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,000 I actually listen to Radio 1 in the mornings, you know! 429 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,720 -Well, you'd want a toke, Miss? -Yeah! Let's have a toke! 430 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,320 Miss Postern! 431 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,920 GUNN: Look, Ms Baron, it's all over the internet. 432 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,880 This is awful. He's even put it on his Facebook. 433 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,720 Yes, well, I think we know how that got there. 434 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:16,800 And I've even heard. 435 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,920 That someone's sent it to the local paper. 436 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:20,880 Headmistress, I can explain everything. 437 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,840 I think it's too late for that. I mean, really, Mr Church, 438 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,480 hosting a drugs party! 439 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,520 I was not hosting a drugs party. 440 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,960 Were there any other members of staff present? 441 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,160 No, just me and a...very generous cold spread. 442 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,640 The spread is of no interest to me. 443 00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,960 I'm more interested in this picture of you holding a joint. 444 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:42,800 Camera never lies. 445 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,280 Well, on this very specific occasion, the camera did lie 446 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,040 because although I'm holding the, um... Gan-ja! 447 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,560 "gan-ja", I did not take a toke. 448 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,880 Hear that? "Ganja", "toke"? Knows all the lingo, don't he? 449 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:56,560 Did any money change hands?` 450 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:57,960 -No, of course not! -Stealing drugs. 451 00:23:58,040 --> 00:23:59,600 That's even worse. You should make a note of that 452 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,240 Yes, thank you, Mr Gunn. You can leave us now. 453 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,360 Should I announce he's been sacked 454 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:09,960 -or, um? -Thank you. 455 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:18,480 MR GUNN: Yes! 456 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,000 Headmistress, I feel my position at the school has become untenable. 457 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:24,720 And I would like to tender my resignation. 458 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,600 No, I've got a better idea. 459 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,120 You can talk to the whole school about the dangers of drug addiction. 460 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,400 But I'm not a drug addict! I've never even taken drugs. 461 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:33,760 Everybody's seen the picture. 462 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,760 I think the children would really benefit 463 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,440 from hearing at length about your drugs hell. 464 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:47,160 The drugs don't work. They just make you worse 465 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,600 And I know I'll see your face again 466 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:57,560 No, the drugs don't work They just make you worse 467 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,200 But I know I'll see your face again. 468 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,720 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING UNENTHUSIASTICALLY] 469 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,880 Despite this school's very strong anti-drugs stance, 470 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:17,760 as you know, any drugs... 471 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,800 I'm sorry you got the blame for all of this. 472 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,320 Oh, please don't be. 473 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:23,600 Maybe I should say something? 474 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,560 Shh! HEADMISTRESS: One of the teaching staff 475 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,480 has been unmasked as a drugs fiend. 476 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,600 Would they please now stand up? 477 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,600 First, I became addicted to Halls Soothers. 478 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,600 But that was just a gateway to the harder stuff. 479 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:36,680 Mr Church! 480 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,800 Oh! Sorry. Forget I said that. 481 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,360 Yes. I am a drugs addict. 482 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,040 I'm always getting drugged up on the drugs. 483 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,160 At first, I enjoyed taking the drugs. 484 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,200 I thought I could fly. I started seeing things. 485 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:06,640 Pink elephants. 486 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,880 Pink elephants on parade. 487 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:16,680 I realised I was high and I wanted to get high again. 488 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:20,240 Soon, I would do anything to get high on the drugs 489 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,640 and even considered selling my body. 490 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,520 [SNIGGERING] 491 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:30,280 As a result, I've let myself down... I've let the teachers down, 492 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,680 I've let various members of the administrative staff down. 493 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:38,040 But most of all, I've let you down the kids. 494 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,320 Today, you've lost a role model. 495 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,880 So, drugs. Don't do 'em, yeah? 496 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:08,120 [CLAPPING LOUDLY] 497 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:13,400 [CLAPPING LOUDLY] 498 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:21,760 Thank you. For...not fingering me. 499 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,680 Ha! For you, anything. 500 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,480 And your speech...surprisingly powerful. 501 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,080 Well, I feel like I've finally conquered my demons. 502 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,960 But remember, you've never actually taken drugs. 503 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,800 Let's not spoil it for the children. 504 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,040 -Scarface! -Oh! 505 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,680 -Stoner! -Oh! 506 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,480 Keeping it real! Indeedy! 507 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:55,800 Churchy! 508 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:56,880 Stoner! 509 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,680 There is a boy in my tutor group who is having some problems at home. 510 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,240 His mother's on sex safari. 511 00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:16,080 I imagine the Masai lovemaking is very animalistic. 512 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:18,640 Sorry to hear about your wife running off with the, um... 513 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,480 Masai tribesman. 514 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,720 -Who do you think wrote that song? -A bell-end? 515 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,360 We need to rehearse, Juliet And Romeo. 516 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:25,600 Swapped the names round. Well done. 517 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,160 Shakka-speare must be rolling in his grave. 518 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,480 Boozer! 519 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:32,840 ALL: Yes! 520 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:38,840 When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it 521 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,200 When we said we'd never change 522 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,560 Well, we never stopped to think about it 523 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,600 No, we're not the same 524 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,800 But let's not break the chain 525 00:28:56,280 --> 00:29:00,640 We should play this game together. 38872

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