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00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:05,160
So, when the bottle of
cold liquid nitrogen
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00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:07,480
hits the warm water,
it will expand
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00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,720
and explode, and...
HE CHUCKLES
4
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,680
...just to spice things up
a little bit, we have...
5
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:18,880
Pat. ...1,000 Ping-Pong balls.
6
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:20,080
Pat.
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00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,640
Take it away, Pat. Go on. Pat.
8
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:24,600
MR CHURCH CHUCKLES
9
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:26,320
Off you go.
10
00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,040
Cover your ears, everybody!
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00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,640
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
12
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,320
WEAK CHUCKLE
13
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,000
Hang on, don't go.
14
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,120
You'll miss the, um...
15
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,480
SOFT GUITAR MUSIC
16
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,640
When I think about the days
17
00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,560
There is something of a haze
about it
18
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,520
When we said we'd never change
19
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:08,720
Well, we never stopped
to think about it
20
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:12,800
No, we're not the same
21
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,440
But let's not break the chain
22
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:22,480
We should play this game
together.
23
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:30,480
TUNE IS WHISTLED
24
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,120
Good morning, everyone.
Can I have your attention, please?
25
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,800
I have a very important
announcement to make. Keith...
26
00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,000
Quiet, please.
I've long been aware that
27
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,600
the pupils here at Greybridge
have zero interest in education...
28
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,280
Not now. Mr Barber, I'm talking.
29
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,720
...but it seems the teachers
have even less.
30
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,760
Yes, I'm talking about you lot.
31
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,200
Deal with it.
I don't think this is the time.
32
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:11,920
This is the perfect time.
33
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:13,840
So, after a week's reflection,
34
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,200
I have decided to hand in this letter
of resignation. I'm sorry, but...
35
00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:20,400
And where is Mrs Kent?
Late again, I imagine!
36
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,360
She's dead.
37
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,080
Completely dead?
38
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:26,440
Yes!
39
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,040
Did you not get my text?
40
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,040
No, I didn't need to make any
calls over half-term,
41
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,480
so I didn't turn my phone on.
42
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:33,840
How did she, um...?
43
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:37,920
French A-level trip.
Eating a crepe. Nut allergy.
44
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,280
Daft old cow didn't realise
Nutella's got nuts in it.
45
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,240
Tragically, she didn't know
the French for anaphylactic shock.
46
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,840
TEXT ALERT
I've got it now.
47
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,960
"Linda dead." When's the funeral?
48
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,840
TEXT ALERT
Oh, yesterday.
49
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,440
MR BARBER:
Wish I had a nut allergy.
50
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,640
One fun-sized Snickers,
I'd end it all.
51
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,120
Don't say that. Life is precious.
Well, mine isn't.
52
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,720
Have you seen the graffiti those
kids did about me this morning?
53
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,600
Oh, Mrs Kent.
What can you say about Mrs Kent,
54
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,480
other than...she was Mrs Kent?
55
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,760
Kenty. Kent face.
56
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,320
Mrs K.
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00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,760
Special K.
58
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,280
The KKK.
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00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,000
She didn't like being called that.
60
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,360
The thing I'll always remember
about Mrs Kent is...
61
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,160
Are you going to hand
that letter of resignation in?
62
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,880
Oh, yes, yes. I'll... I'll do it now.
63
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,240
RUN!
64
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,600
I love everything French,
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00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,960
not just the language
the history, the romance,
66
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:37,840
the...bread.
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00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,520
I say to myself, "Don't just
teach these kids French.
68
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,320
"Let them be French."
69
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,920
Dirty people, dirty country.
70
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,880
May I sit down?
I'd rather you didn't.
71
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,480
I've just had
the chairs upholstered.
72
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,040
Now, you've got a lot
to live up to, Miss, er...
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00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,840
Postern.
DOOR OPENS
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00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,560
Lavatory's next door, Mr Hubble. Oh.
75
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,680
They've moved it.
76
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,360
One of the pupils?
77
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:07,560
What did you say?
78
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,720
I said, "Is he
one of the pupils?"
79
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,320
Clearly not! He's a teacher.
80
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,520
I was...just making a joke.
Please don't do that again.
81
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:17,960
Anything else you'd like to add?
82
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,720
Well, I should tell you that
83
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,360
my teaching methods are...
How can I put it?
84
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:27,160
...unconventional. Like what?
85
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,880
I get the kids up playing
vocab tennis. I serve up
86
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,320
a French word and they return it
to me with a translation.
87
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,800
Let me serve one up for you.
88
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,800
SHE GRUNTS
Boulangerie.
89
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,360
The whole thing's
utterly excruciating.
90
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,200
The kids absolutely love it.
91
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,400
They're just humouring you.
92
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,880
They're just humouring YOU,
you mean.
93
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,240
What do you mean by that?!
I don't know.
94
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,760
Morning! Awful news about Linda.
95
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:57,320
Yes, I was one of the first to know.
96
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,200
Beautiful funeral.
Didn't see you, though.
97
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,680
Yes, well, there was
a separate service
98
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,400
for family and very close friends
and I went to that.
99
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,720
Obviously, there was
no administrative staff invited.
100
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,320
Oh, oh, you can't go in there.
101
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:10,920
She's just in with
a new French teacher.
102
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,560
I'm sorry, this can't wait.
103
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,120
I'm busy!
104
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,600
I have a very important letter
for you. Hello.
105
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,400
Oh...
106
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,120
I'm Sarah - Mrs Kent's replacement.
107
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,440
Not that anybody could replace her,
but I'm replacing her.
108
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,000
Mr... Mr...
109
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,360
Mis...
110
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,160
Mr Church.
111
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:33,760
Keith Church.
112
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,680
All the kids call me Churchy.
113
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,400
No, they don't. What's in
the letter? Oh, nothing.
114
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,560
Oh! Sorry, was that your foot? It's
all right, I've got another one.
115
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,680
Oh! "Got another one,"
she says. Very comical.
116
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:46,760
I was the funny one
in my last school.
117
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,120
Looks like it'll be the same here.
118
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:52,240
Give me the letter.
Oh, no, it's best I...
119
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:53,720
just read it to you.
"Dear Headmistress,
120
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,040
"just to say how much
I'm enjoying my time at the school
121
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,800
"and I hope for it to continue
for many years to come.
122
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,000
"Also, it was lovely to meet
123
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,760
"the hilarious new
French teacher, Susan..."
124
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:04,960
Sarah.
125
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:09,360
Uh... "...and just to say she has
very, very, very beautiful hair."
126
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,040
Mmm. I get that a lot.
127
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,880
"Yours sincerely, Keith Church,
Deputy Head of Science."
128
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,760
And all that was in the letter,
was it? Yes, it was, so...
129
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,240
there's no need for you to read it
130
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,520
and I won't take up any more of
your time. Ha-ha-ha!
131
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,320
Au revoir!
132
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,760
Vous parlez francais!
133
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,360
HE MUTTERS GIBBERISH
134
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:29,640
No, you don't, do you?
135
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,400
And to avoid another
Nutella fatality,
136
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,160
I think we should all know that
137
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,600
the French for
anaphylactic shock is...
138
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,680
Choc anaphylactique.
139
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,960
Really?! She should have
guessed that.
140
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,720
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
141
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,560
Would you like to introduce yourself
to the school,
142
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,360
say a few words? Oh!
143
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,120
Hello!
144
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,240
OK. Um, make some noise
if you think French is boring.
145
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,000
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
146
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,360
All right. And let's have a really
big shout out from anyone
147
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:09,880
who thinks learning a new language
148
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,840
is a complete and utter
waste of time.
149
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,960
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
150
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,600
But what if I was to tell you...?
Thank you.
151
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:22,120
I really did mean just a few words.
Oh, right. Well, obviously,
152
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,200
I hadn't finished because I was
going to do a little thing.
153
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,840
You've established that
French is boring,
154
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,480
and I have to wonder
why you did that.
155
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,080
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
156
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:33,040
Right, um, can I just do a little
bit of vocab tennis? Sit down.
157
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:42,080
So, pupils past and present
are welcome at
158
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:46,200
the commemorative service for
Mrs Kent a week on Sunday.
159
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,800
Mr Church.
160
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,200
Toilets...
161
00:07:55,280 --> 00:08:00,720
Now, I spoke to you last term about
graffiti and I'm sorry to say that
162
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:05,840
an obscene picture has appeared on
the walls of the boys' lavatories.
163
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:09,440
This is completely unacceptable
and must stop now.
164
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:10,520
That is all.
165
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,960
Sir, what's in the picture?
Well, I'd rather not say.
166
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,920
Well, if they don't know
what's in the picture,
167
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,080
how are they going to know
what NOT to draw?
168
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,440
RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
169
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,160
Well...
170
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,000
...there's a bald-headed gentleman
who resembles Mr Barber...
171
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,160
and, er, he's kneeling.
172
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,720
Part of his anatomy is exposed
173
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,480
and, er... Ahem.
174
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,160
...he's engaging with a sheep.
175
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,240
What's the sheep doing? Oh, er...
176
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,400
Well, the sheep is saying...
177
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,880
"Harder, Mr Baa-baa."
MR BARBER: Oh!
178
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,920
PUPILS BLEAT
179
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,160
Baa!
180
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,640
Baa!
181
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,920
Excuse me, do you know the way to
the language block?
182
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,920
Yes.
183
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:25,360
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was
born in 1756 in Salzburg, Austria.
184
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:26,880
Boring!
185
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,600
Sorry, guys.
186
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,440
Mozart is totally yawnsville.
187
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,680
The problem with classical music is
188
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,720
it doesn't have a good beat to it.
189
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,240
Ai-uh-ih-ai-uh
190
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:38,960
Ai-uh-ih-ai-uh.
191
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,320
You don't get a beat like that
in one of Mozart's...tracks.
192
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,840
So, this term, instead of learning
about Mozart, or Beethoven,
193
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,320
or...one of the other ones,
194
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,000
we're going to learn about
these guys.
195
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:57,360
Ricky, Andrew, Simon, Nick "Peanut"
aka the Kaiser Chiefs.
196
00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,240
KNOCK ON DOOR
197
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,560
Hello.
198
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,800
Lost teacher alert! Hi.
199
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,760
Where is 4B? Don't you want to
hang out with us and learn about
200
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,440
the Kaiser Chiefs? I would love to,
201
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,600
but if I don't get to my classroom
soon, I predict a riot!
202
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,520
What? That's one of their songs.
203
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,000
Don't know that one. 4B is down
the corridor, on the right.
204
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:19,640
Laters. Laters.
205
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:22,640
Psshh...
206
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,400
My last school was very urban.
207
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:32,360
So, if I catch you one more time
with alcohol on school property,
208
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,680
I'll have no option
but to suspend you.
209
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,240
Do I get it back after school, Miss?
210
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,800
No, you do not, Beyonce.
211
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,520
Now, get out.
212
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:46,520
DOOR OPENS
213
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,960
I can't take any more.
214
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,640
Look, I'm not giving you
any more sick leave.
215
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:51,760
Please!
216
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,280
Take your hands off the furniture!
For God's sake, help me, woman!
217
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,400
I'm having a textbook
nervous breakdown.
218
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,120
Mr Barber,
in order to get paid leave,
219
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,480
it'll take a damn sight more than
a bit of graffiti
220
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,400
and 200 children chanting, "Baa!
221
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,400
"Baa! Baa!
222
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,520
"Baa!"
223
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,640
Look, all I...all I need is just
the...the rest of the year off.
224
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,360
Oh, grow a pair! Of course the
children are going to pick on you.
225
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,800
You're Welsh, you're bald,
you're fat.
226
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,240
They don't pick on me for being fat.
227
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,320
Then they're missing a trick.
Now, please leave me.
228
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,480
I'm very busy.
229
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:25,920
Oh, G...
230
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,600
Je m'appelle Mademoiselle Postern.
231
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:34,480
Why are you speaking foreign?
232
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,160
Because this is French GCSE.
233
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,280
So, what sort of things
were you doing with Mrs Kent?
234
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,600
She just let us go down
the shops, Miss. Well,
235
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,840
I've got something better than
the shops.
236
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:51,080
It's a game I invented
les murmures francais.
237
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,440
French whispers.
238
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:53,960
It's a little bit different,
239
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,720
so bear with me. Is it...?
240
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:59,320
Just a moment.
It's like Chinese whispers, but...
241
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,920
Yeah, we know. Ah, ah, ah!
The difference is...
242
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,320
Is it Chinese whispers in French?
243
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,120
It is Chinese whispers
in French. Well done.
244
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,760
OK. What's the phrase? Nice and
loud, so we can all hear.
245
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,920
Ryan and Callum are bum chums!
246
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,400
CHUCKLING
247
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:28,920
No.
248
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:34,680
That would be, Ryan et Callum
sont les copains bum.
249
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:48,760
Oh. Oh, Miss Postern,
please, have my seat.
250
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,920
So, do you, um,
live in the local area, or...?
251
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,560
Why don't you grab a free chair
from over there?
252
00:12:58,800 --> 00:12:59,840
Good plan.
253
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,600
This seat taken?
254
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:04,760
Yes. Oh.
255
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,080
This one? Yes.
256
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,160
This one? Yes.
257
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,320
How about this one?
They're all taken.
258
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,120
I understand. This one?
259
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,720
Yes!
260
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:18,080
I don't know who they're all for.
He normally sits on his own.
261
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:22,840
Oh, anyway, I prefer eating
standing up, it aids digestion.
262
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,160
Oh!
263
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,160
Oh, so the kids were going bananas.
264
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,840
Your teaching this morning
was inspirational.
265
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,040
Well, I always like to give
the kids 110%.
266
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,240
Me too.
267
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,600
But 100% would be the maximum.
Not for me.
268
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,880
For everyone. You can only have
100% of something.
269
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,320
Yes, I know, and that's what
I give, plus an extra 10%.
270
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,840
You can't. Let's not fall out
over this.
271
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,360
No, let's not. But just so you know,
I do give 110%.
272
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,640
Teachers like us, who give
the maximum percentage possible,
273
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,640
are, sadly, in the minority here.
274
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,360
The teaching standards at this
school are at an all-time low.
275
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,560
That's why he's resigning.
Thank God.
276
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,680
Oh. Oh, are you leaving us?
Oh, no, I'm not resigning.
277
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,360
Typical drama teachers,
over-dramatising everything!
278
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,520
Bollocks, with a cherry on top.
279
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:09,960
He had a letter for
the headmistress.
280
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,960
Oh, is that what that was?
281
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,800
What prompted the 360-degree turn?
282
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,120
Well, I just...
I just thought with your arrival,
283
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,360
there was a fresh energy
at the school.
284
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,200
Oh, well, thank you.
285
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,520
It was a 180-degree turn.
286
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,920
360 would put you back
where you started.
287
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:28,360
Coffee?
288
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,800
Oh, I don't know if they told you,
289
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,240
but I'm one of the longest-serving
teachers here at Greybridge.
290
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,520
Huh! I've actually been
291
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,280
rattling around these corridors
for 15 years now.
292
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:45,480
Really?! Oh, I couldn't imagine
working in one place for that long.
293
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,560
How long were you at your
last school? 12 years. Oh.
294
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,880
So, what does your husband say
about you joining the school?
295
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,200
He says...
296
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,560
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
"Hello, I'm an imaginary husband."
297
00:14:58,840 --> 00:14:59,880
Because I'm not married.
298
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,440
Oh, interesting.
299
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,960
Your, er, boyfriend, then?
300
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:10,400
He says, "Hello,
I'm an imaginary boyfriend!" Bec...
301
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:11,800
Well, you get my drift.
302
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,120
Mmm...
303
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,440
Are you married?
Only to chemistry.
304
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:16,640
Oh!
305
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,680
Oh, it's a good-sized staff room.
306
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,760
Before you ask,
no, I don't have a girlfriend.
307
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,360
I'm just sort of
dating at the moment.
308
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:28,120
He's never dated anyone. I have.
Who have you dated, then?
309
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,480
Well, there's a long list.
Well...page of A4.
310
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,640
Oh. Go on, then. Name some.
311
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,960
Miss Postern has some lessons
to plan. Oh, no, it's all right.
312
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,640
I've still got some coffee to drink.
Plenty of time. Go on.
313
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,360
Well, there was, er, Catherine...
314
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,080
...Anne. Jane.
315
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:47,800
Another Anne.
316
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,720
Kathryn. Another Katherine.
317
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,040
Those are the names of
Henry VIII's wives.
318
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,520
Rumbled! No, I think you'll find
319
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,200
the spelling of some of
the Catherines is different.
320
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,360
He's a virgin.
I am not! I've had plenty of sex.
321
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,800
Well, the appropriate amount.
322
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,040
I, er, haven't introduced myself.
Trevor Gunn.
323
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,800
Um, oh, hello.
324
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,520
Now, don't tell me. Let me guess.
I'm good at this sort of thing.
325
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,240
You teach...pottery.
326
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:16,520
MR CHURCH: Oh!
327
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,760
Ha-ha-ha-ha! No.
328
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,560
Teaches pottery! I get it.
329
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,080
Well, I'm glad somebody does.
330
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,960
Mr Gunn actually teaches games.
331
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,920
Yes, I know. No, it's not called
"games". It's physical education.
332
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,840
Actually, it's one of
the hardest degrees to do.
333
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,520
Imagine that. Three years
learning to pump up a football(!)
334
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,840
That was one module!
So, do you live local?
335
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,680
Don't feel you have to answer that.
I'd love to have you over one night.
336
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,520
Will have to be when
his mother's gone to bed.
337
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,760
Yeah, big whoop(!)
I live at home with me mum.
338
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,200
She does all the cooking, all
the cleaning, all the washing.
339
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,880
I mean, I'm living the dream.
If I get married,
340
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,960
I'll put her in a home, obviously.
Wow! Bet she can't wait for that(!)
341
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,160
That put him in his place.
342
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,200
Huh! Well, I'll have to be off now,
343
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:59,080
but I look forward to some more of
this knockabout banter later.
344
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:02,360
Oh, dear!
345
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,360
I'm going to ruin that. Oh, dear.
346
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,880
This Friday, Mum's got Senior Zumba.
Got the place to myself.
347
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,120
Get her over, Chinese takeaway,
slip her a length.
348
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,480
Miss Postern does not look like
the sort of woman who eats takeaway.
349
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,360
It's going to happen, mate.
I've had very woman here.
350
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,840
Oh, not this again. Every single one.
351
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,320
Mm... The headmistress?
352
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,360
No.
353
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:29,800
Mrs Klebb?
354
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,640
No, she's a lezzer.
355
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:36,480
Pat?
356
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,680
We're talking intercourse,
or, um...?
357
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:45,760
HE GROANS
358
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,040
Nah, she don't mean nothin'.
359
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,600
I just lost my phone,
which is why I didn't answer...
360
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,280
Yeah, well, I found it now.
361
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,160
Manyou, this is meant to be
a detention.
362
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:58,600
I'm on the phone.
363
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,120
...Look, babe,
I'll come see you later, yeah?
364
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:03,840
...Hey, what time does
this thing end?
365
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,600
It's five o'clock.
Nah, nah, nah. I need to go.
366
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,040
...Look, babe, I'll come see you
about half four.
367
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,440
Manyou, what were you put in
detention for?
368
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,880
Using my phone in school.
Was that your girlfriend?
369
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,200
One of 'em. Oh!
370
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,800
Ha-ha! You remind me of me
at your age.
371
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,120
I was quite the Jack-the-lad.
372
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,880
I'm just a bit out of practice.
I just, er...
373
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,000
Out of interest, how do you
tell a lady that you like her?
374
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,000
I just text her a picture of
my knob.
375
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,480
Yes, but if you don't have a phone
that sends picture messages.
376
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,760
Look, if you want to bang this new
French teacher... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
377
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,520
That is quite enough of that!
378
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:43,760
But what were you going to say?
379
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,560
Right, it's no biggie.
Just get her in your car.
380
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,000
Bitches love wheels.
381
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,040
Oh, that word is derogatory
to women. But thank you.
382
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,680
Look, I've got to go, anyway.
It's not five o'clock yet.
383
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:57,720
Yeah, I know, but I've got to go.
384
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:02,440
Well, I'll let you off this time,
but I want you to think about
385
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:03,920
using your phone more responsibly...
386
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,240
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
PHONE RINGS OUT
387
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,360
Sorry.
388
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,360
PHONE RINGS OUT
389
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,280
Oh...
390
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,280
Sorry, Pat.
391
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,240
Didn't know you were still here.
392
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,760
Must be getting changed.
393
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,360
Could you just pass me
my briefcase, please?
394
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,120
Oh... Well, don't worry.
395
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,440
I'll get it in the morning.
396
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,160
Thanks for everything today.
See you tomorrow!
397
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,480
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
398
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:44,760
Whoever did this
needs a ruddy good hiding.
399
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,240
No, no, no.
400
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,160
This is a cry for help.
401
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,680
Punishment is not the answer.
402
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,560
Have you any idea the percentage
of prisoners who reoffend?
403
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:54,960
No.
404
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,240
Nor do I. I read a piece
in The Guardian.
405
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,120
I can't remember,
but it was surprisingly high.
406
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:04,720
Would you like a lift?
407
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,120
What?
408
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:08,800
Would you like a lift?
409
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,360
Where? In my car.
410
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:11,920
Tonight, after school.
411
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,000
But...to where? To your home.
412
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,720
Presuming you live within
a seven-mile radius. A lift?
413
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:21,120
Yes. Just a lift.
Just a guy giving a gal a lift!
414
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,800
Well, that's very kind of you.
415
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,600
Make a change from
having to wait for le bus.
416
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,200
Excuse me?
It's French for "bus".
417
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,880
Is there anything
you don't know about France?
418
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,920
I just love it! Such a different
way of life over there.
419
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,960
Mm. You must've spent
a lot of time there.
420
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,320
No, never been.
421
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,760
You've never been to France? No.
422
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,160
Sometimes, I just think,
"Oh, to hell with it, Sarah.
423
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,680
"Leave everything behind.
424
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,120
"Just jump on the ferry
and go for the day!"
425
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,600
You're such a free spirit.
426
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:54,880
I know!
427
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,400
So, Janine, any plans for tonight?
428
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,120
Well, Frieda fell out of her
wheelchair last night,
429
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,560
so we'll probably just cuddle up on
the sofa and watch MasterChef.
430
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,360
Blimey, the internet's
very misleading
431
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:26,560
when it comes to lesbians.
432
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:31,480
Yes... So, my Friday night's
looking pretty hectic.
433
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,240
Hm? Mm. Yes, since you ask,
434
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,200
I'm giving the new French teacher
a lift home tonight.
435
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,920
That's happening tonight.
436
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:40,880
So I'm busy tonight.
That's happening tonight.
437
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,200
Sorry, when's that happening again?
438
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,160
Tonight. And then what? Well...
439
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,000
who knows? Listen, Churchy,
even if she invited you in,
440
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,880
you wouldn't know what to do
with her. You're forgetting.
441
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,760
I studied biology at A-level.
442
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,120
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
443
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:12,160
Two hearts living in
just one mind...
444
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,720
You need a massage. Oh... No.
445
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,440
No, I'm fine, thank you.
446
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,600
It's just a bit of
neck and shoulder pain.
447
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,160
Oh, that is good.
448
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,640
I wish I'd brought me oils.
449
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,400
Yeah, I'm fully trained.
450
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,480
I did an internet correspondence
course in sports massage.
451
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:14,800
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
452
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,160
Sarah!
453
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,880
Oh, yes. I'll just be
another minute.
454
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,120
I don't think this is appropriate
on school premises.
455
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,760
There is nothing inappropriate
456
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,280
about having a massage!
457
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,760
Dear God!
458
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,600
Oh, er...
459
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,960
Well, it'll go down eventually.
Stick it in the fridge.
460
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,800
I have found that hitting it with
a spoon
461
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,880
makes it go down as well.
Yes, um...let's go.
462
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,920
You'd better back off, sunshine!
463
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,200
Or what? Or I'll...
464
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,200
slip you a length. Ooh!
465
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,560
No, that's not what that means.
466
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,880
Oh...
467
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,240
So, is it any sort of spoon, or...?
468
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,280
Er, dessertspoon is probably
best. Obviously not plastic.
469
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,560
I'll remember that. Ha-ha!
Your carriage awaits. Oh.
470
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,240
Well, I survived my first week,
Ms Baron.
471
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,840
Are you having a party?
472
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,600
No, these are all confiscated
items I'm disposing of.
473
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,280
Daphne, put the lager
on the front seat.
474
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,000
...It's a game of give and take...
475
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,200
Oh, merci buckets. French!
476
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:36,840
...No, you'll just have to wait
477
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,680
Just trust in the good times
478
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,760
No matter how long it takes
You can't hurry love...
479
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,600
ENGINE SPUTTERS
480
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,560
MUSIC SLOWS TO A HALT
481
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,080
Everything all right?
482
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,800
Yes, yes. It's fine, thank you.
483
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,560
ENGINE TURNS OVER
484
00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,640
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
485
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:02,760
Do you need a lift, babes?
486
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,400
What are you doing that for?
For your own protection.
487
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,040
Er, no, thank you. Everything's
fine here, Trevor, thank you.
488
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,920
Well, it's not fine, is it?
489
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,320
The battery's gone dead
because he's left the radio on.
490
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,200
Oh, what a shame.
491
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,680
And I haven't got any jump leads.
HE SNIFFS
492
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,320
Well, have a great night,
you two lovebirds.
493
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,560
Maybe we could just ask him
for a tow.
494
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:28,960
No, no, no.
495
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,760
Absolutely no way.
496
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:38,400
I have to go. Yes, almost there.
497
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,040
Why doesn't this door open?
498
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,720
It only unlocks from the outside.
499
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,440
You've locked me in, haven't you?
500
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,240
Yes, it's safer, when he's around.
501
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:49,960
Do you want my help, or not?
502
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,760
Yes, I just don't want you
touching her, thank you.
503
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:54,960
Let me out!
504
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,640
We're nearly there.
505
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:58,840
No, don't do that, it's dangerous.
506
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,520
I'm getting out. No, don't.
Don't. Don't do that.
507
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,080
Let me help you.
Let me help you. I've got you.
508
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,640
I've got you... Get off her.
SHE GASPS
509
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,840
I'll help you. Don't touch her.
Don't touch her!
510
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,280
I'm helping! Put me down!
511
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,440
There. I've got you.
512
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:19,920
A beautiful woman joins a school
513
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,920
and the two of you start acting like
a pair of 12 year olds!
514
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,400
Especially him.
515
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,000
I'm getting the bus. Le bus.
And I will see the two of you
516
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:27,960
on Monday morning,
with the rest of the children.
517
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,400
Goodbye.
518
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,520
My bag.
519
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,640
Come on, then.
520
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,880
ENGINE STARTS
521
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,480
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
522
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:28,720
CAR DOOR OPENS
523
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,920
PHIL COLLINS MUSIC PLAYS
524
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,360
London airport, please.
525
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:42,840
MUSIC: "You Can't Hurry Love"
by Phil Collins
526
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,520
A talent show? No, no, no, no, no.
527
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,240
If you can find any talented pupils
528
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,520
in this school,
I'd be very surprised.
529
00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,840
My point is, I'll never come over
to your house and take a bath.
530
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,880
French is a poor man's Spanish!
531
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,160
HE SINGS
532
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,400
APPLAUSE
533
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:19,640
All right? I'm Keith Lemon!
534
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,960
Your oboe playing is, at best,
535
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,400
pedestrian!
536
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,960
Miss Postern,
this ridiculous behaviour
537
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,040
has gone on long enough!
This is a fix.
538
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:30,640
SHE EXHALES
539
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,160
When I think about the days
540
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,480
There is something of
a haze about it
541
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,080
When we said we'd never change
542
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,000
Well, we never stopped
to think about it
543
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:49,480
No, we're not the same
544
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,600
But let's not break the chain
545
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:58,960
We should play this game
together.
40504
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