Original subtitles

[ Bird cries ]

♪♪

The moose stood right here, and shit.

It come right out of his ass.

It's exciting.

I think the moose is my spirit animal

because I just think about shit all the time.

♪♪

I was walking through the woods one day,

and I saw a pile of [bleep].

I got to thinking, "They all look like little heads.

Wouldn't it be funny to put eyeballs on them?"

I put some antlers on them.

And that's when it started.

And then since then, it's grown into, like, you know,

50, 60 different products.

The concept of Tirdy Works is simple --

I find turds, I make crap, and people buy it.

This one shows the turds coming right out of the moose's ass.

Tirdy Works started 15 years ago with one turd.

♪♪

Now, this isn't a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle -- otherwise known as

a high-fiber Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

After that video of me went viral, orders came rushing in.

Everybody's starting to talk about it,

how she can take a turd,

and turn it into something profitable.

Having a famous person in Somerville is kind of different.

It's not the average thing you'll think

in this little itty bitty town.

It finally took [ding]

to put Somerville, and this area of Maine, on the map.

Mary: We're sitting right here at Tirdy Works headquarters.

We have moose turds from one end of my house to the other.

It's on the counters. It's on the stoves.

I haven't cooked a good square meal for months now

because there's [ding] everywhere.

We got bobcat turds.

I'd like to see some of your turds, if you don't mind.

They squeeze right out of the butt, you know, how [pops]

Like one of those things. Oh, I shouldn't have done that.

Oh, no! I stuck my finger in my mouth!

It had [ding] on it!

Do a kissy face.

She kind of looks like The Grinch.

I'm gonna need a ton of product.

This is a poo-poo clock.

See, that's one-turdy, two-turdy, three-turdy.

She's gonna bring jobs,

and my wife will probably work there.

Who knows? When my daughter's old enough,

she'll probably work there, and make [bleep].

♪♪

Somerville is a very close-knit community.

It's out in the sticks, for sure.

There's a lot of hicks out here, if you can't tell.

Elisha: I grew up here in Somerville.

When I graduated from eighth grade,

there was only seven of us.

Mary: We've got a town office.

We've got a fire station.

We've got a school.

The one store that we have in town is Hussey's General Store.

And that's really popular because,

as they say on the sign,

they have wedding gowns, shotguns, and cold beer.

Beautiful wedding gowns.

And then, we've got a memorial.

That's pretty significant in a town of 500

with only four paved roads.

It's -- You're laughing. I'm serious.

[ Laughs ]

[ Quacking ]

Deb?

How long ago we meet?

About 2006.

2006 we met.

You were pretty cute, and, you know, I liked you a lot.

Yeah?You remember our first kiss?

I remember our first kiss.Tell me when it was.

[ Laughs ]

Wasn't it in the woods?

What turned me on about Deb is her beautiful eyes

and her sense of humor.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, Mary's the first girl I ever kissed.

It kind of answered a lot of questions for me.

Mary: Deb was married for 25 years when I met her.

Her husband was a wonderful guy, and they got along well.

But then, he kind of went on vacation,

and I just kind of took a liking to her.

She basically stole my heart.

[ Laughs ]

They're kind of cute kids, though.Yeah, they're all right.

I don't care what anyone says about them.

I think they're alright.

[ Both laugh ]

You guys are stuck with us.

Mary: I never expected to have kids,

and somehow, I ended up with three.

[ Chicken clucking ]

And at first, I thought it was gonna be really cool, quiet,

you know, no kids, just us.

And about a year into it,

we ended up fostering three children.

They all had a really, really rough, rough start.

None of them had been to the dentist.

So we've made it our job to love and take care of these kids.

Maybe they'll support us when we get older. Yes!

I think she'd probably poison us, though...

-Maybe. -...just to get rid of us.

[ Laughter ]

I think the key to raising a 14-year-old girl

is being patient and understanding...

This is my book of boys, 'cause I like boys a lot.

...and more patience.

I got my nose pierced.

Well, I just stuck a needle through my nose.

Make sure your cleavage isn't showing.

[ Rooster crows ]

The business has taken off, and I think it's gonna come

at the right time, at least for the kids

because, you know, maybe they can go to college.

An architect. An architect?

That's what they can be. They'll be an architect.

Why couldn't this happen 30 years ago?

I'm all dried up in all my cracks and crevices.

I got chunks falling off of me.

I got frigging kittens growing off my frigging top lip.

That ain't right.

♪♪

[ Bird cries ]

♪♪

[ Chicken clucks ]

Oh, [ding]

My name is Tammi.

They call me "the bitch on the hill" --

because I am.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, Tam.Don't be knocking.

I got you a box of fresh turds.

Why didn't you bring something good, like beer?

Lookit. Great big, fat, juicy ones.

Yeah, lovely.

Mary: After that video went viral, we can't keep up.

We got [bleep] piling up in the best way.

We have a fair amount of poo-poo clocks,

but we're not gonna have enough for this big show

that's coming up.

We are gonna need some serious inventory,

and I'm getting kind of nervous about it

because it's getting down to crunch time.

So, my friend Tammi and her husband, Craig,

they're working on those right now.

We have no neighbors, and no bull[ding].

The only bull[ding] is what we create.

I think they all moved out.

'Course they did.

[ Chuckles ]

Nobody wants to be around us.

Look at the orders. I mean, look!

We'll get them done. Don't stress.

Initially, I was thinking, "Oh, we might need 50 clocks or so."

I think I want to quadruple it.

I'd like to have maybe 200 ready for next weekend.

Well, I think you better quadruple your help, then.

I'm not Wonder Woman.

If we can't fulfill these orders,

we're gonna start losing business.

We'll, you got to stop talking, and get in here.

[ Sighs ]

[ Insect buzzing ]Keep working.

There's a [bleep] fly in here.

[ Rooster crows ]

How'd the turd counting go?

-9,000. -Really?

9,000 right there.

Close to $50,000 worth of turds in there.

That's our future, those turds.

Mary is kind of a dreamer,

and she's kind of like a little kid.

Sometimes, Mary listens. Sometimes, she won't.

It's been 10 years. We're still struggling.

I mean, the mortgage is pushing being late all the time,

and the light bill's pushing being shut off.

I mean, we've got a lot of stuff to fix,

and we're still playing with turds.

It wasn't until that video went viral,

and she quit her job, because there was no way

we were gonna keep up with orders.

So, she's working on turds full-time.

And I've quit my job,

and I'm working on turds full-time.

But you have to have a plan -- a good, solid plan.

Kind of like a moose turd, you know?

You know, if you got good, solid turds,

you got yourself a business.

What are you gonna do?

Let's just give it to -- the rest of the winter.

And you're gonna make it work?

I'm gonna make it work. I have to make it work.

If it doesn't work, it's done. We're done.

We're not gonna play with turds anymore.

♪♪

Okay.

Mary: I don't really like ultimatums.

I like a strong suggestion.

I'm gonna go make the kids dinner.

I'm not quitting. I could be 90 years old.

I'm still gonna be doing this.

[ Bird cries ]

[ Bird cries ]

[ Rooster crows ]

♪♪

When I first heard Mary was selling [ding]

across the street, I was like, "What?"

It's nothing I would buy.

If it was sold in the store, I'd never even look twice at it.

I wouldn't wear feces on my face,

or give it to anybody as a gift, so...

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

-Does anybody want a roll? -I do.

Katie: I'm waiting for the chicken-fried clams.

Mary: Parenting is, like, one of the hardest things

in the whole world, to me.

I just been too busy, and doing my turds, and working.

And I just never thought I would ever have kids.

And now that I do, I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing.

Deb: Paige, your birthday's coming up.Mm-hmm.

If you could have anything in the whole world,

what would you want?

A scholarship.

For what? Art.

Art? Mm-hmm.

Alright. Well, that's interesting.

Cody, if you had one wish, what would that be?

To have a butler.

A butler?

What, to do your laundry for you? Yes.

Mary: Cody's a real sweet kid.

I mean, he's smart. He's a hard worker.

I have great hopes for him in the future.

Katie, what do you want?

Anything... -One wish.

Mary: One wish. What would it be?

One big wish.

I want to join this wrestling team.

They have a girls wrestling team?

Well, no, but...

She's 14 years old, and she's becoming of age,

and she's got pheromones and hormones,

and she's liking the boys, and stuff.

You're not wrestling with boys. No way.

I mean, is that what it is?

I worry about her in the real world, because I don't think --

She has issues with authority figures.

Why not wrestle guys?

Mary: Because you're at that age, and I don't want you --So?

She needs to see the whole picture.

She doesn't see the whole picture.

She's got tunnel vision.

I'll beat them, and they'll just go cry in the corner.

Mary: How do you think about her wrestling?

I think her motives are all wrong.

How about another wish? Something else.

You said what I wanted to do, but...

My parents don't want me to join the wrestling team

because there's boys,

and there's physical contact with them.

But, you know, my parents play with poop.

[ Sighs ] I think it's stupid.

♪♪

[ Chicken clucks ]

We've got a show coming up in a week.

I'm gonna need a ton of product.

I'm doing all I can.How many you got?

Probably got 30. That's it?

Yeah. I mean --

Not even close. Where's Tammi?

Up there, drinking beer...Have at it.

...when I'm down here slaving.

Mary: You know, Deb gave me an ultimatum,

and we got a great big fall show

coming up for Tirdy Works down in New Hampshire.

And so, now, we're just busy,

busy, busy trying to make inventory

so we'll have enough product to sell down there.

Tammi!

-What? -What's going on?

Been making clocks.

Mary: I just come from down cellar.

Craig's down there. The saw's not going.

He's down there yapping at the mouth.

I can't tell you what Craig's doing. I'm up here.

How many clocks do you have?

10.

That's it? That's it!

I thought we were getting 30 today.

Are you disappointed?I'm a little bit disappointed,

'cause, like I said, I was expecting to get 30.

Then, I guess you better find help.

What's going on?

Mary: She's only got 10 clocks.

We're doing all we can to help you.

You're gonna end up pissing us off, eventually.

I don't want to piss you off. You're good people.

If I didn't like Mary, I wouldn't put up with her [ding].

Her ass be out the door.

Life is a disappointment. It sucks, don't it?

Alright. I'll be in touch.

No wonder I drink.

[ Bird cries ]

[ Bird cries ]

♪♪

If I was a moose,

I think I'd be a big bull moose, have me a harem.

I think that'd be alright.

I'd put out a good-looking turd, too.

Mary: Oh, my God.

I've run out of product on a whole bunch of different things,

so when I get a order, I got to make it to fill the order.

I cannot run a business this way.

I need to expand. I need more people.

So, today I'm meeting with Fire Chief Mike Dostie

and Courtney, see if we can brainstorm up a plan.

I know, but, it's like, I'm scared.

You know, our friend Courtney, I love him right to death.

He's like my son-in-law that I've never had, you know?

He's such a sweet guy. He's a hard worker.

And, you know, he's deaf.

And he's cute, too.

He is quite a hunk of chunk.

Deb's given me this ultimatum.

I have to have the business successful

and making money by the end of the winter.

Wow.

When I first heard Mary was making things out of [honk],

I couldn't imagine how she was making this work.

[ Laughs ]

We are just swamped with orders.

There's so many [ding] orders and stuff coming out.

I just don't know how we're gonna keep up.

Right, right.

And I...

That's awesome.

What about holding, like, a supper at the fire station?

Do you think so?

Well, it'll let people know what's going on,

and it'll let people know you need help.

A public supper draws a lot of people in our town.

Basically, the whole town cooks for it.

The whole town shows up for it.

It'd be a good place, I thought, to recruit some new talent.

Maybe I could set up a table with a few turds on it,

just to kind of pique some interest, you know?

How often do you see turds at a public supper?

Not usually.

Mary: But I think that, when the [ding] hits the fan,

people come together to help each other out.

I'm glad you work for the fire station,

and have connections like that.

A rare commodity.

Yes. [ Laughs ]

[ Chickens clucking ]

-The hell's that? -I got something for you.

Tammi: I don't like presents. You know that.

Well, this is bigger than a bread box.

One of the great things about working

with Mary and Tirdy Works is I get to stay home...

...where I belong.

What the hell is this?

Well, it's something that is supposed to help

increase the production with the moose silhouettes.

One of the things that's slowing us down

significantly are the silhouettes,

which we trace on a metal template, and you cut it.

When you need 300 or 400 of those in a couple months' time,

that's a lot of cutting.

You must have to hook it up to a computer, or something.

After doing some more research, we kind of come across this,

like, this laser-cutter machine.

This thing, I think, is really gonna help.

I can't get this working.

Oh, Mary, you here to bust our balls again, or what?

No. She brought me this machine

to help make the silhouettes, so it would be quicker.

Oh.

I'm a hard worker.

And anyone that says I'm not can go [ding] themself.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Deb: I hate to put down my foot with the ultimatum.

[ Sighs ]

'Cause she enjoys it.

But Tirdy Works has to make some money.

She'll do it. She'll kill it. Yeah.

For the first time, I'm gonna have to kind of find people

to help me source the moose turds.

And then, maybe I can find some people

to help me make the finished products, as well.

I'm really not comfortable with that.

I've always done this myself.

I've got a couple words I want to say to everybody.

[ Laughter ]

Tammi: Spit it out.

Alright.

You ain't right. You ain't right.

[ Laughter ]

You know, Tirdy Works started with a simple idea.

You know, I was out walking in the woods,

and I saw a pile of moose [bleep] right on the trail.

And I don't know if we were smoking the pot or whatever,

but I got to thinking about it,

and I stopped, and looked, and I thought,

"Wouldn't that be funny to put eyeballs on it?"

And so, I did.

And since then,

we just keep developing more and more and more products,

all based with turds.

I believe in Tirdy Works, and I believe in this community.

Winter's coming, guys.

Last winter, it was absolutely brutal,

and they're saying that this winter's gonna be even worse.

So, behind us is our future.

This is gonna be the key to our success,

and this is what I got.

[ Bird cries ]

[ Bird cries ]

What I got here is gonna be the key to our success,

and this is what I got.

Look at it.

Look at all those frigging turds!

9,000 turds in here.

That's $55,000 worth of inventory, right there.

The way the sales are going, seriously, by Christmastime,

that's gonna be gone.

I'm gonna need all of you guys' help.

How are you going to be helping the community of Somerville?

I think that the way I can help it

is because I can offer some jobs.

We have stores that --

People are coming into town to look at turds,

and we got a bed-and-breakfast here,

bringing business in for these guys.

You have such a wonderful personality,

and I know you're doing a lot to raise the spirits in town.

I have a lot of land with a lot of moose.

And whenever you're ready,

I have all the turds you can take.

Oh, my God.

Do you know how good that sounds?

I heard a male moose in the marsh down by my house.

So, maybe we could get permission, and you can, like,

direct us to where you think the --

Yeah.Thank you so much.

What a connection! That's a good one.

You know, Deb and I have decided to make an investment

into Somerville, and it's gonna start tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Let's get this done!

Really important to have dreams,

'cause that's what helps you move forward on there.

What an amazing concept, and innovation,

and use of natural resources.

I'm proud of Mary.

She doesn't back down from a challenge.

I really hope all that yapping can turn us a profit.

She did look cute up there, though, didn't she?

[ Chuckles ]

Mary: The dream is to make a whole bunch of people happy,

make a lot of people laugh.

I never would have imagined anything could have come

from just one turd, you know?

And it's like a girl's dream come true, for real.

Winter's coming.

All's I know how to do is --

Make sh--[ Truck horn blares ]

Aah!As far as running a business,

I don't know how to do that.

Not everybody loves turd products.

Well, I don't even say that word.

Mary's got to make a plan...

Uh-oh. We're in trouble.

...or she could lose her business...

Those aren't mine.

I'm gonna find out who these im-poop-sters are.

...and her family.

You have a career day.

I'm gonna come in to your classroom.

Nope. This is our business.

Your business, not mine.

They need to start treating me like

I'm a real person, not a kid.

What's going on?I'm practicing.

Hi, Mary. You're the Emma.

She's a big-time comic.

Work on some stuff that's more than turds.

I'm doing stand-up comedy.

Is there any way you would be able to take the [bleep] show

on the road?I would love to do that.

Craig: Now, let it go.

[ All scream ]

This is the big kahuna of all of the craft shows in this region.

I want a moose at the show.Come on!

Either that, or you're gonna be in the suit

with a dingleberry hanging off your ass.

[ Zipper closes ][ Grunts ]

Bullwinkle. [ Laughs ] Good deal.

I see you looking at me like that.

You've lost it.

I think we should focus on cannabis seeds.

You get a turd, drill a hole, cram a seed in that hole,

water it, and you watch it grow.

We'll hit every pot shop this side of the Mississippi.

She's so positive that we can make money on this,

but I have my doubts.

Those are porcupine turds?

Yeah. Ew!

A lot of people have great ideas,

and launch big companies.

Oh, my God. That ain't right.

Mine just happens to be shit.

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