All language subtitles for Tirdy Works s01e01 The Ultimatum.eng

[ Bird cries ]

♪♪

The moose stood right here,
and shit.

It come right out
of his ass.

It's exciting.

I think the moose
is my spirit animal

because I just think about shit
all the time.

♪♪

I was walking through the woods
one day,

and I saw a pile
of [bleep].

I got to thinking, "They all
look like little heads.

Wouldn't it be funny
to put eyeballs on them?"

I put some antlers
on them.

And that's when
it started.

And then since then,
it's grown into, like, you know,

50, 60 different products.

The concept of Tirdy Works
is simple --

I find turds, I make crap,
and people buy it.

This one shows the turds coming
right out of the moose's ass.

Tirdy Works started 15 years ago
with one turd.

♪♪

Now, this isn't
a Popsicle.

That's a poop-sicle --
otherwise known as

a high-fiber
Fudgsicle.

Tastes like crap.

After that video of me went
viral, orders came rushing in.

Everybody's starting
to talk about it,

how she can take a turd,

and turn it into
something profitable.

Having a famous person in
Somerville is kind of different.

It's not the average thing
you'll think

in this little
itty bitty town.

It finally took [ding]

to put Somerville, and
this area of Maine, on the map.

Mary: We're sitting right here
at Tirdy Works headquarters.

We have moose turds from one end
of my house to the other.

It's on the counters.
It's on the stoves.

I haven't cooked a good
square meal for months now

because there's [ding]
everywhere.

We got bobcat turds.

I'd like to see some of your
turds, if you don't mind.

They squeeze right out of
the butt, you know, how [pops]

Like one of those things.
Oh, I shouldn't have done that.

Oh, no!
I stuck my finger in my mouth!

It had [ding] on it!

Do a kissy face.

She kind of looks like
The Grinch.

I'm gonna need
a ton of product.

This is a poo-poo clock.

See, that's one-turdy,
two-turdy, three-turdy.

She's gonna bring jobs,

and my wife
will probably work there.

Who knows?
When my daughter's old enough,

she'll probably work there,
and make [bleep].

♪♪

Somerville is a very
close-knit community.

It's out in the sticks,
for sure.

There's a lot of hicks out here,
if you can't tell.

Elisha:
I grew up here in Somerville.

When I graduated
from eighth grade,

there was only seven
of us.

Mary:
We've got a town office.

We've got a fire station.

We've got a school.

The one store that we have in
town is Hussey's General Store.

And that's really popular
because,

as they say on the sign,

they have wedding gowns,
shotguns, and cold beer.

Beautiful wedding gowns.

And then,
we've got a memorial.

That's pretty significant
in a town of 500

with only four
paved roads.

It's -- You're laughing.
I'm serious.

[ Laughs ]

[ Quacking ]

Deb?

How long ago we meet?

About 2006.

2006 we met.

You were pretty cute, and,
you know, I liked you a lot.

Yeah?You remember our first kiss?

I remember our first kiss.Tell me when it was.

[ Laughs ]

Wasn't it in the woods?

What turned me on about Deb
is her beautiful eyes

and her sense of humor.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, Mary's the first girl
I ever kissed.

It kind of answered
a lot of questions for me.

Mary: Deb was married for
25 years when I met her.

Her husband was a wonderful guy,
and they got along well.

But then, he kind of
went on vacation,

and I just kind of took
a liking to her.

She basically
stole my heart.

[ Laughs ]

They're kind of cute kids,
though.Yeah, they're all right.

I don't care what anyone says
about them.

I think they're
alright.

[ Both laugh ]

You guys are stuck
with us.

Mary:
I never expected to have kids,

and somehow,
I ended up with three.

[ Chicken clucking ]

And at first, I thought it was
gonna be really cool, quiet,

you know, no kids,
just us.

And about a year into it,

we ended up fostering
three children.

They all had a really,
really rough, rough start.

None of them had been
to the dentist.

So we've made it our job to love
and take care of these kids.

Maybe they'll support us
when we get older. Yes!

I think she'd probably
poison us, though...

-Maybe.
-...just to get rid of us.

[ Laughter ]

I think the key to raising
a 14-year-old girl

is being patient
and understanding...

This is my book of boys,
'cause I like boys a lot.

...and more patience.

I got my nose pierced.

Well, I just stuck a needle
through my nose.

Make sure your cleavage
isn't showing.

[ Rooster crows ]

The business has taken off,
and I think it's gonna come

at the right time,
at least for the kids

because, you know,
maybe they can go to college.

An architect.
An architect?

That's what they can be.
They'll be an architect.

Why couldn't this happen
30 years ago?

I'm all dried up in all
my cracks and crevices.

I got chunks
falling off of me.

I got frigging kittens growing
off my frigging top lip.

That ain't right.

♪♪

[ Bird cries ]

♪♪

[ Chicken clucks ]

Oh, [ding]

My name is Tammi.

They call me "the bitch
on the hill" --

because I am.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, Tam.Don't be knocking.

I got you a box
of fresh turds.

Why didn't you bring
something good, like beer?

Lookit. Great big,
fat, juicy ones.

Yeah, lovely.

Mary: After that video
went viral, we can't keep up.

We got [bleep] piling up
in the best way.

We have a fair amount
of poo-poo clocks,

but we're not gonna have
enough for this big show

that's coming up.

We are gonna need
some serious inventory,

and I'm getting
kind of nervous about it

because it's getting down
to crunch time.

So, my friend Tammi
and her husband, Craig,

they're working
on those right now.

We have no neighbors,
and no bull[ding].

The only bull[ding]
is what we create.

I think
they all moved out.

'Course they did.

[ Chuckles ]

Nobody wants to
be around us.

Look at the orders.
I mean, look!

We'll get them done.
Don't stress.

Initially, I was thinking, "Oh,
we might need 50 clocks or so."

I think I want to
quadruple it.

I'd like to have maybe 200 ready
for next weekend.

Well, I think you better
quadruple your help, then.

I'm not Wonder Woman.

If we can't fulfill
these orders,

we're gonna start
losing business.

We'll, you got to stop
talking, and get in here.

[ Sighs ]

[ Insect buzzing ]Keep working.

There's a [bleep]
fly in here.

[ Rooster crows ]

How'd the turd
counting go?

-9,000.
-Really?

9,000 right there.

Close to $50,000 worth
of turds in there.

That's our future,
those turds.

Mary is kind of a dreamer,

and she's kind of like
a little kid.

Sometimes, Mary listens.
Sometimes, she won't.

It's been 10 years.
We're still struggling.

I mean, the mortgage is pushing
being late all the time,

and the light bill's
pushing being shut off.

I mean, we've got a lot
of stuff to fix,

and we're still
playing with turds.

It wasn't until that video
went viral,

and she quit her job,
because there was no way

we were gonna keep up
with orders.

So, she's working on turds
full-time.

And I've quit my job,

and I'm working
on turds full-time.

But you have to have a plan --
a good, solid plan.

Kind of like a moose turd,
you know?

You know, if you got good,
solid turds,

you got yourself
a business.

What are you gonna do?

Let's just give it to --
the rest of the winter.

And you're gonna
make it work?

I'm gonna make it work.
I have to make it work.

If it doesn't work, it's done.
We're done.

We're not gonna play
with turds anymore.

♪♪

Okay.

Mary:
I don't really like ultimatums.

I like a strong suggestion.

I'm gonna go make
the kids dinner.

I'm not quitting.
I could be 90 years old.

I'm still gonna be
doing this.

[ Bird cries ]

[ Bird cries ]

[ Rooster crows ]

♪♪

When I first heard
Mary was selling [ding]

across the street,
I was like, "What?"

It's nothing I would buy.

If it was sold in the store,
I'd never even look twice at it.

I wouldn't wear feces
on my face,

or give it to anybody
as a gift, so...

♪♪

[ Dog barks ]

-Does anybody want a roll?
-I do.

Katie: I'm waiting for
the chicken-fried clams.

Mary: Parenting is, like,
one of the hardest things

in the whole world,
to me.

I just been too busy, and doing
my turds, and working.

And I just never thought
I would ever have kids.

And now that I do, I don't have
a clue as to what I'm doing.

Deb: Paige, your birthday's
coming up.Mm-hmm.

If you could have anything
in the whole world,

what would you want?

A scholarship.

For what?
Art.

Art?
Mm-hmm.

Alright.
Well, that's interesting.

Cody, if you had one wish,
what would that be?

To have a butler.

A butler?

What, to do your laundry
for you? Yes.

Mary:
Cody's a real sweet kid.

I mean, he's smart.
He's a hard worker.

I have great hopes for him
in the future.

Katie, what do you want?

Anything...
-One wish.

Mary: One wish.
What would it be?

One big wish.

I want to join
this wrestling team.

They have a girls
wrestling team?

Well, no, but...

She's 14 years old,
and she's becoming of age,

and she's got pheromones
and hormones,

and she's liking the boys,
and stuff.

You're not wrestling with boys.
No way.

I mean,
is that what it is?

I worry about her in the real
world, because I don't think --

She has issues
with authority figures.

Why not wrestle guys?

Mary: Because you're at that
age, and I don't want you --So?

She needs to see
the whole picture.

She doesn't see
the whole picture.

She's got tunnel vision.

I'll beat them, and they'll just
go cry in the corner.

Mary: How do you think
about her wrestling?

I think her motives
are all wrong.

How about another wish?
Something else.

You said what I wanted
to do, but...

My parents don't want me to join
the wrestling team

because there's boys,

and there's physical contact
with them.

But, you know,
my parents play with poop.

[ Sighs ]
I think it's stupid.

♪♪

[ Chicken clucks ]

We've got a show
coming up in a week.

I'm gonna need
a ton of product.

I'm doing all I can.How many you got?

Probably got 30.
That's it?

Yeah. I mean --

Not even close.
Where's Tammi?

Up there, drinking beer...Have at it.

...when I'm down here
slaving.

Mary: You know,
Deb gave me an ultimatum,

and we got
a great big fall show

coming up for Tirdy Works
down in New Hampshire.

And so, now,
we're just busy,

busy, busy
trying to make inventory

so we'll have enough product
to sell down there.

Tammi!

-What?
-What's going on?

Been making clocks.

Mary: I just come from
down cellar.

Craig's down there.
The saw's not going.

He's down there yapping
at the mouth.

I can't tell you
what Craig's doing. I'm up here.

How many clocks
do you have?

10.

That's it?
That's it!

I thought we were getting
30 today.

Are you disappointed?I'm a little bit disappointed,

'cause, like I said,
I was expecting to get 30.

Then, I guess
you better find help.

What's going on?

Mary:
She's only got 10 clocks.

We're doing all we can
to help you.

You're gonna end up
pissing us off, eventually.

I don't want to piss you off.
You're good people.

If I didn't like Mary, I
wouldn't put up with her [ding].

Her ass be out the door.

Life is a disappointment.
It sucks, don't it?

Alright.
I'll be in touch.

No wonder I drink.

[ Bird cries ]

[ Bird cries ]

♪♪

If I was a moose,

I think I'd be a big bull moose,
have me a harem.

I think that'd be
alright.

I'd put out a good-looking
turd, too.

Mary: Oh, my God.

I've run out of product on a
whole bunch of different things,

so when I get a order, I got
to make it to fill the order.

I cannot run a business
this way.

I need to expand.
I need more people.

So, today I'm meeting with
Fire Chief Mike Dostie

and Courtney, see if we
can brainstorm up a plan.

I know, but,
it's like, I'm scared.

You know, our friend Courtney,
I love him right to death.

He's like my son-in-law
that I've never had, you know?

He's such a sweet guy.
He's a hard worker.

And, you know, he's deaf.

And he's cute, too.

He is quite a hunk
of chunk.

Deb's given me
this ultimatum.

I have to have
the business successful

and making money
by the end of the winter.

Wow.

When I first heard Mary was
making things out of [honk],

I couldn't imagine
how she was making this work.

[ Laughs ]

We are just swamped
with orders.

There's so many [ding]
orders and stuff coming out.

I just don't know how
we're gonna keep up.

Right, right.

And I...

That's awesome.

What about holding, like,
a supper at the fire station?

Do you think so?

Well, it'll let people know
what's going on,

and it'll let people know
you need help.

A public supper draws a lot
of people in our town.

Basically, the whole town
cooks for it.

The whole town
shows up for it.

It'd be a good place, I thought,
to recruit some new talent.

Maybe I could set up a table
with a few turds on it,

just to kind of pique
some interest, you know?

How often do you see turds
at a public supper?

Not usually.

Mary: But I think that,
when the [ding] hits the fan,

people come together
to help each other out.

I'm glad you work for
the fire station,

and have connections
like that.

A rare commodity.

Yes.
[ Laughs ]

[ Chickens clucking ]

-The hell's that?
-I got something for you.

Tammi: I don't like presents.
You know that.

Well, this is bigger
than a bread box.

One of the great things
about working

with Mary and Tirdy Works
is I get to stay home...

...where I belong.

What the hell is this?

Well, it's something
that is supposed to help

increase the production
with the moose silhouettes.

One of the things
that's slowing us down

significantly are
the silhouettes,

which we trace on a metal
template, and you cut it.

When you need 300 or 400 of
those in a couple months' time,

that's a lot of cutting.

You must have to hook it up
to a computer, or something.

After doing some more research,
we kind of come across this,

like,
this laser-cutter machine.

This thing, I think,
is really gonna help.

I can't get
this working.

Oh, Mary, you here to bust
our balls again, or what?

No.
She brought me this machine

to help make the silhouettes,
so it would be quicker.

Oh.

I'm a hard worker.

And anyone that says I'm not
can go [ding] themself.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Deb: I hate to put down my foot
with the ultimatum.

[ Sighs ]

'Cause she enjoys it.

But Tirdy Works has to
make some money.

She'll do it.
She'll kill it. Yeah.

For the first time, I'm gonna
have to kind of find people

to help me source
the moose turds.

And then, maybe I can
find some people

to help me make
the finished products, as well.

I'm really not comfortable
with that.

I've always
done this myself.

I've got a couple words
I want to say to everybody.

[ Laughter ]

Tammi: Spit it out.

Alright.

You ain't right. You ain't right.

[ Laughter ]

You know, Tirdy Works started
with a simple idea.

You know, I was out
walking in the woods,

and I saw a pile of moose
[bleep] right on the trail.

And I don't know if we were
smoking the pot or whatever,

but I got to
thinking about it,

and I stopped, and looked,
and I thought,

"Wouldn't that be funny
to put eyeballs on it?"

And so, I did.

And since then,

we just keep developing more
and more and more products,

all based with turds.

I believe in Tirdy Works,
and I believe in this community.

Winter's coming, guys.

Last winter,
it was absolutely brutal,

and they're saying that this
winter's gonna be even worse.

So, behind us
is our future.

This is gonna be the key
to our success,

and this is what I got.

[ Bird cries ]

[ Bird cries ]

What I got here is gonna be
the key to our success,

and this is what I got.

Look at it.

Look at all those
frigging turds!

9,000 turds in here.

That's $55,000 worth
of inventory, right there.

The way the sales are going,
seriously, by Christmastime,

that's gonna be gone.

I'm gonna need
all of you guys' help.

How are you going to be helping
the community of Somerville?

I think that the way
I can help it

is because I can
offer some jobs.

We have stores that --

People are coming into town
to look at turds,

and we got
a bed-and-breakfast here,

bringing business in
for these guys.

You have such
a wonderful personality,

and I know you're doing a lot
to raise the spirits in town.

I have a lot of land
with a lot of moose.

And whenever
you're ready,

I have all the turds
you can take.

Oh, my God.

Do you know
how good that sounds?

I heard a male moose
in the marsh down by my house.

So, maybe we could get
permission, and you can, like,

direct us
to where you think the --

Yeah.Thank you so much.

What a connection!
That's a good one.

You know, Deb and I have decided
to make an investment

into Somerville,
and it's gonna start tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Let's get this done!

Really important
to have dreams,

'cause that's what helps you
move forward on there.

What an amazing concept,
and innovation,

and use of
natural resources.

I'm proud of Mary.

She doesn't back down
from a challenge.

I really hope all that yapping
can turn us a profit.

She did look cute up there,
though, didn't she?

[ Chuckles ]

Mary: The dream is to make
a whole bunch of people happy,

make a lot
of people laugh.

I never would have imagined
anything could have come

from just one turd,
you know?

And it's like a girl's dream
come true, for real.

Winter's coming.

All's I know how to do is --

Make sh--[ Truck horn blares ]

Aah!As far as running a business,

I don't know
how to do that.

Not everybody loves
turd products.

Well, I don't even say
that word.

Mary's got to
make a plan...

Uh-oh.
We're in trouble.

...or she could
lose her business...

Those aren't mine.

I'm gonna find out who
these im-poop-sters are.

...and her family.

You have a career day.

I'm gonna come in
to your classroom.

Nope.
This is our business.

Your business,
not mine.

They need to start
treating me like

I'm a real person,
not a kid.

What's going on?I'm practicing.

Hi, Mary.
You're the Emma.

She's a big-time comic.

Work on some stuff
that's more than turds.

I'm doing
stand-up comedy.

Is there any way you would be
able to take the [bleep] show

on the road?I would love to do that.

Craig: Now, let it go.

[ All scream ]

This is the big kahuna of all of
the craft shows in this region.

I want a moose at the show.Come on!

Either that,
or you're gonna be in the suit

with a dingleberry
hanging off your ass.

[ Zipper closes ][ Grunts ]

Bullwinkle. [ Laughs ]
Good deal.

I see you looking at me
like that.

You've lost it.

I think we should focus
on cannabis seeds.

You get a turd, drill a hole,
cram a seed in that hole,

water it,
and you watch it grow.

We'll hit every pot shop
this side of the Mississippi.

She's so positive that we can
make money on this,

but I have my doubts.

Those are porcupine turds?

Yeah.
Ew!

A lot of people
have great ideas,

and launch big companies.

Oh, my God.
That ain't right.

Mine just happens
to be shit.

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