Original subtitles

And now we have just time

to answer a few letters from our listeners.

And let's see.

Here's a letter from miss Amelia Jones

of billings tavern, jenksuville.

Miss Jones wants to know how much it would cost

to build a model poultry house for 200 hens.

I'm happy to say that my sponsors have printed

a limited number of booklets

giving complete costs and specifications.

And if you'll cut off the top

of a package of Bixby baking soda

- it will. - And send it to box 99,

99, - 934,

- 934, - Providence, Rhode Island,

we will send you a copy by return mail.

Good-bye, friends of "the poultry hour."

Now relax, Mr. Johnson. Relax.

Just imagine that you're in @a steam room and droop.

That's right. That's right.

Amelia, do we have an apple?

I said, my dear, Mr. Johnson craves an apple.

I could have sworn we had an apple here last week.

Do you suppose that a banana would do, Mr. Johnson?

- No! I want an apple! - Hmm.

Oh, my chickens will do so beautifully in that henhouse.

If only I had some chickens.

Look, a guest!

She's looking at the tavern, Amelia.

Maybe she's going to buy it.

Maybe I can get Dr. lorencz off my neck at last,

threatening to foreclose the mortgage every time he sees me.

All right. Thank goodness I cleaned up.

23.5% compounded semi-annually.

Good morning. This is the place for sale, isn't it?

- Yes. Yes. - Yes. Won't you come in?

I'm winnie layden from Springfield.

They told me in town

that this was an authentic colonial tavern.

Authentic?

It rightfully belongs in a museum, with everything in it.

Really?

This is professor Nathaniel billings,

doctor of biochemistry, century college,

before it went under.

What an adorable old cheese press!

Yes. Yes.

And a pilgrim's table!

Hand-hewn beams!

Warped floors!

Well, wouldn't you like to see some of the other rooms?

Oh, everything.

I know it isn't very businesslike to say this,

but it's exactly what I've been looking for.

It'll make the darlingest hotel!

I'm so sorry.

Are you hurt?

Isn't this wonderful?

- Worm-eaten steps! - Yes. Yes.

And last of all, the old barn.

They say it came over on the mayflower.

- Ebenezer, are you home? - Yep.

Oh, do you mind if we show the place?

- Nope. - Does he go with it?

Nope. I go with the professor.

Ah, ebenezer and Amelia have been devoted to me for years.

If we ever get a few extra dollars together,

Amelia wants to raise chickens,

and ebenezer, pigs, to keep me in my old age.

The only difference is, I got pigs.

Oh, I think that's sweet.

Shall we go back to the house?

- Good-bye. - Good-bye.

Oh, professor, I'm gonna buy it.

Good. Good.

I'm afraid there's just one little catch.

Oh, I haven't too much money.

Oh, my dear child, it isn't that.

All I'd need would be enough to pay off the mortgage.

But, you see,

all my laboratory apparatus is installed in the basement,

and I must finish my experiment.

Oh, of course.

Then you wouldn't mind?

I'd be delighted to have you.

There's plenty of room for you, and Amelia and ebenezer too.

Oh, good. And we'll be delighted to live here with you.

Amelia, you phone Dr. lorencz

and say I'd like to see him immediately.

Don't you tell him it's about the mortgage.

I want to do that.

Professor, if you don't mind, what is your experiment?

My dear child,

I'm afraid it's completely beyond expressing in words

that you could comprehend.

Oh, I know that. But generally?

Well, I'm merely toying with a few physio-dynamics,

shaking the unshakable laws of existence, so to speak.

Gracious, the apple.

Amelia, where did you put that apple?

Now, where do you suppose it would be, professor?

Ah!

You're not going to eat it between meals.

Why, I'm surprised at you.

It's for the gentleman downstairs.

Gentleman? Just a common rug peddler!

It's beyond me how a billings, and a professor at that,

can associate with such riffraff.

Amelia, this riffraff, as you call him,

is really the salt of the earth.

All he needs is to be iodized.

Oh, miss, the sordid business details

can be arranged with Amelia.

And if the cost of the mortgage is a trifle high,

don't you worry about it.

We can always sell a little of the furniture.

Isn't he a dear?

You don't know how good he is.

Even when he was a baby, he never cried,

not even when we dropped him.

There's your apple, Mr. Johnson.

I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting.

Oh, that's okay, mister.

I could do a little favour

for a guy that buys all my navajo blankets.

But they're beautiful, Mr. Johnson.

Now, if you're all ready?

Yeah, let 'er fly, mister.

Is it okay if I keep on eatin'?

Of course.

Now be perfectly at ease.

Cold as a mackerel.

Dear, dear, dear,

I wonder what could have gone wrong this time.

No wonder,

the rays were deflected.

Hello?

Dr. lorencz is here, professor.

I'll be right up.

Won't you sit down, doctor?

Amelia, thank you.

I'm honoured to welcome you to our humble village.

Oh. Thank you, doctor.

And if you ever need anything,

like medical attention, or fire insurance,

or a marriage, or a loan, perhaps, huh?

I shall be delighted to oblige.

Doesn't anybody else do anything in jenksville?

Huh? Oh, they vote once a year.

- Ah, doctor. - Professor.

I have some very good news for you.

- Really? - Now guess what.

- I don't know. - Go ahead, guess.

Do I look like a quiz kid?

It is an indescribable pleasure to inform you, sir,

that I am about to pay off the mortgage.

And it'll be an indescribable pleasure to me, sir,

if that means you have to discontinue

your mysterious activities in that basement.

That, sir, is beyond discussion.

Have you brought the filthy thing with you?

- What filthy thing? - The mortgage,

the leech you placed upon my neck.

Oh, the leech. Yeah, I have it here.

2395.

Please, Amelia, you're giving miss layden

a wrong impression about me.

I'm only charging him so high because, for years,

in my capacity as health officer,

I've been trying to put an end to those,

shall we say, cheap quackeries.

- Quackeries, sir? - Yes, sir.

To a scientist like me, the word is "charlatan."

Don't talk to the professor like that.

Why not?

Everyone around this town knows that

you made your fortune in shark-oil hair restorer.

And what's wrong with that?

Where is the hair follicle that can resist

2,000 international units of vitamin a, huh?

Where is it?

Right there!

Hmm? Oh, it's hardening of the skull.

My dear sir!

Now, gentlemen, all we want to do

is to settle a little business matter.

- That's right. - I'll get the deed.

Where's my purse?

And an ink and pen, please.

Here are the documents.

I don't have a checking account. Will cash do?

Hmm?

You are a child, aren't you?

Come in.

Winnie, for Pete's sake, where have you been?

I follow you all over new england like a wild man.

I've got antique-it is. I'm going off my nut.

Oh, don't mind him.

I divorced him last year for mental cruelty.

And I'm not gonna stand here and let you browbeat me now.

Look, winnie, I've been drafted.

I'm in the army.

Well, that's wonderful. What are you doing here?

I've got 10 days off to straighten out my affairs,

and the first thing I'm gonna straighten out is you.

- Who are these people? - Sir?

- Don't call them people. - Come on.

Let's get out of this rat hole.

Oh, no! And it's not a rat hole.

Why, I exterminated every one of them.

- You didn't buy it? - What if I did?

It's nice of you, bill, to think of me, but...

Winnie, ever since you divorced me,

I keep telling myself over and over,

"isn't it enough she kept me broke all my life?

Why not let her give all her clothes away to phoney beggars?

Let her buy every piece of old junk

she can lay her hands on.

Let her get herself into jam after jam."

But no, it's no use. It's drivin' me wacky.

Winnie, did you have to throw

all your money away on this dump?

You're just way ahead of yourself

this time, Mr. practical one.

I'll show you I can be just as good at running a hotel

as you were at running your swanky somerset house.

I can turn this dump into the cutest, darlingest,

little colonial inn you ever saw,

and just fill it with tourists too.

Tourists? With no railroads?

With tyre and gas rationing?

How do you expect the people to find this...

Mm-hmm.

You haven't bought it yet?

Yes, she has.

25 cents notary fee, please.

- Why, you highbinders! - Here.

I beg your pardon. Thank you.

- And this is yours, professor. - Well, of all the...

How have you got the nerve to swindle this child out of...

Please. Please.

Ah, this is a momentous occasion.

Success to you, my child.

And while we're here, I'll help. I'll clean.

I, too, shall refer wayfarers to your little tavern.

Oh, thank you.

Wayfarers! Holy jumpin'...

All right, all right. I'm through, I'm through.

I hope you starve.

Look here, my good man, do you have rooms?

A what?

I did not ask for a sylvan Dell

replete with prancing antelopes, merely a room.

You really want to live here?

What, may I ask, is so confoundedly incredible about that?

- Oh, nothing. - Well.

Won't you come in, mister...

Brampton, j. Gilbert brampton.

Yes. What did you have in mind, Mr. brampton?

A single with a bath?

Oh, I mean, without a bath.

You see, we're sort of short on tubs.

Allow me to show you our choice accommodations, sir.

No.

Oh, definitely not.

We're a little short on steps too.

This way.

This is our brightest room.

Has an exposure too.

- Satisfactory, sir? - Yes.

At $5 a day?

I should say that was reasonable.

Yes. Of course.

Five bucks a day, that guy's cuckoo.

I think he's lovely.

And look at this darling place.

All those lovely old birds

- and that cosy sofa. - Winnie!

- Ooh! Oh, billl - Darling, you hurt?

No, but how ever did that happen?

That's what I'd like to know.

Nobody could've pushed it.

Who'd wanna do that?

The legs must've given way.

Funny it should happen just when you were standing there.

There's something fishy around here. I can smell it.

Now I suppose the place is full of ghosts and murderers.

I didn't say that.

Whether you like it or not, I'm gonna stick around and see.

Come on. Let's get this up and take a look at it.

- It was the sweetest antique. - Antiques?

You're gonna start that again? For Pete's sake...

There's that mental cruelty again!

That's right. That's right.

Just make yourself at home. Make yourself at home.

And what brings you to these remote parts, Mr. brampton?

I am a choreographer.

A dancer? You?

Oh, no, no. I create the dances for others to do.

I'm just roaming about, sponging up, as it were,

your native customs for my American ballet.

Hmm. I see.

There he is. Guess I better go.

- What was that? - That was uncas.

- Uncas? - Who's uncas?

You haven't read j. Fenimore Cooper?

Oh, yes, of course. "The last of the mohicans."

You mean, that uncas?

Right. He's a great friend of ebenezer's.

And is this uncas a ghost?

My dear boy, the pros and cons of survival after death

are so confusing, I prefer not to think about it.

Now, brampton, if you'll come with me,

I'll show you the grounds.

Though I don't know why

they should interest a ballet master.

You know, that guy's as slippery as an eel dipped in lard.

The professor? He's a dear.

He's a dear, and I'm a dead duck.

The last of the mohicans is roaming around the house,

and he'd rather not think about it.

Isn't it wonderful?

I bought a ghost, and such a distinguished one.

Yeah, and there's nothing fishy about that?

Aw, bill.

What?

Don't you ever get tired of yourself?

Holy smoke.

Winnie!

Winnie, winnie, there's a corpse down there

in the professor's laboratory.

Bill, please.

I saw it. I touched it, a dead corpse.

Well, who was it?

Well, how should I know?

No, I better not phone. Come on.

Hurry.

All right, all right, all right, coming.

Ah, you came to get remarried?

- That's very nice. - Look. Listen.

- Very nice. - There is a corpse

in professor billings's laboratory.

- Hmm? - Bill saw it.

But that's dreadful.

Goodness knows, I always had my suspicions.

But murder, that's a matter for the sheriff.

Well, come on, doctor.

Sheriff at present.

Which means what I wanted to say,

one never knows the secret of his neighbour's brain.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Come on.

Let's go.

It's down there.

Well, go ahead, go ahead.

Wait up here, both of you.

We might be up against a dangerous maniac.

- Professor billings? - Yes?

Oh, oh. Could I see you for a moment, please?

I'm busy.

But not too busy to put up your hands, huh?

Will you go away?

Who is this man?

His name was Johnson, I believe.

Was? Then you admit he's dead.

You killed him!

Now, doctor,

you may not approve of what you choose to call

my unorthodox scientific methods...

Certainly not.

But surely you know that I'm no murderer.

Oh, I know it. But how did he die?

Purely an accident. If he did die.

I forgot to search him

before I put him in the cabinet.

That's very silly. You forgot...

You did kill him then?

Now, doctor, let's not split hairs

and strain at gnats now.

Of course, I admit I shouldn't have left him lying around.

So if you'll give me a hand,

we can put him with the others.

All right.

Others? What others?

Only four more.

Now don't be upset.

That's one more good thing about my machine.

It preserves them beautifully.

Four more!

Listen, you homicidal maniac!

How dare you use such language in my own home?

Go on. Get out now.

- Go on. - I will not.

You killed five men. You admitted it.

And as an officer of the law, I demand...

I killed no one!

They're heroes, immortal martyrs of my great experiment.

Experiment? What experiment?

What did you do with them?

As the sheriff of this county, I demand to know the truth.

To think that I should be forced

to reveal my secret prematurely,

robbed of my triumph,

and by a manufacturer of bogus hair restorer.

I beg your pardon?

Charging me with the paltry crime of murder.

I, who am revolutionising evolution,

circumambulating it at one fell swoop.

Circumambulating evolution in a swoop?

Creating, by inductive rays and biochemistry

the ultimate specimen of human perfection.

Eternally young, immune from disease,

the super Superman himself.

- You see Mr. Johnson there? - Yes.

Then let me tell you, sir.

But for one minute little error,

that man, at this very moment, by sheer dynamic force

would be flying around this room

like an inspired plane under his own power.

Tanks, cannons, flamethrowers. Bah!

He would destroy Berlin. He would throttle Tokyo.

Think of it.

But for a monkey wrench in his pocket,

that man would be winning the war for America right now.

But, professor, why didn't you tell me before

what you were doing?

And to think I accused you,

that I was under the impression

that your experiment was harebrained.

Then you're interested in the biochemical shortcut?

Interested?

Why, ever since I was a child, from my early youth.

You are sure that but for a monkey wrench you would have it?

Here it is.

And the next gentleman I search. Believe me.

Professor, let me participate in your experiment, huh?

Professionally and financially.

You're not thinking of exploiting my discovery

the way you do your hair restorer.

Do you imagine I could take advantage, exploit,

capitalise on a great scientific discovery?

Cheat millions of people all the world over?

Profane my profession?

Well, suppose I make a few dollars.

Don't you think I wouldn't put it right back into science?

If I could be sure of that.

I'll prove it to you.

I'll give you anything you want.

I mean, I'm willing to put a few dollars

into your experiment right now.

And we'll sign an agreement to that effect, huh?

- It's agreed. - All right.

I'll draw up a contract.

A few simple clauses...

- Are you hurt? - No.

Say, professor, where do you keep the other ones?

I'll show you.

May I suggest something?

Let's remove this one, huh?

- By all means. - Yeah. Thank you.

All right. Just a second, professor.

Where? Where to?

- Right through there. - All right.

Just a minute, doctor.

Yes?

All right.

Yes. All right.

This is where they used to store the wines

and the choice cheeses.

Now it enshrines the simple men

who have chosen to be martyrs to a great cause.

Very neat, very orderly.

Professor, they are superbly preserved.

As a coroner, I must say,

you have already outmoded formaldehyde.

- Congratulations. - Thank you, doctor.

But as a sheriff, I would like to know,

how did you keep anyone from missing your martyrs?

Well, we have a great many door-to-door peddlers

in this neighbourhood.

They never have any friends, poor fellows.

- This one sold alarm clocks. - Oh.

Over there, neckties.

Yeah, that's how he looks.

Silk hosiery.

He probably didn't have any priority anyway.

And, let me...

Oh, yes, encyclopaedias.

Oh, I'm sure he didn't mind very much.

How happy they will be

when they realise the glory that has befallen them.

Yes.

I don't care what he said.

I'm goin' down.

- Hey, doctor. - Hmm?

- Doctor, where is he? - Where's what?

You know what I mean,

- the dead man. - The dead...

Oh, he wasn't dead.

Oh, no, Mr. Johnson wasn't dead.

- He wasn't dead? - No, no, no.

He was waiting for the professor,

and then he suddenly fainted, very high blood pressure.

- Well, where is he now? - Huh?

It's a very simple question!

Where is he now?

My, you are excited. What's wrong?

Never mind me. I passed my physical!

But did you pass the psychiatrist, huh?

We have more important business.

We have to draw up our agreement.

Where is he now?

Now look, shouting will get you nowhere. Ask quietly.

I am asking quietly! Where is he?

That's much better. He went home.

- See? - No, I don't.

Which means, what can you do with a screwball?

Professor, ink, pen, and paper, please.

All right, I guarantee to be out of here

the first thing in the morning.

That'll be just dandy.

Not this time, Jo-Jo.

Why don't you look where you're going?

- Are you comfy? - Sure. Sure.

Ooh.

Oh, I just laid my 214th egg.

- You did? - I won the prize.

I got the blue ribbon.

If I only could get my little chickens all together.

What a sap I've been.

What an utter and complete dope.

It's the old racket.

First they sell you this pile of junk for a big price,

then they make you sell it back to 'em cheap

by scaring you away.

- Bill, I give up. - Well, don't you see?

First the cupboard falls on you,

that Indian-war-cry ghost,

then that phoney corpse they planted there.

But you said he was dead.

They gave him some kind of medicine, made him look dead.

It's the old sucker game. Don't you see that?

Of course. A sweet old professor and his faithful friends.

But everybody's a crook to you.

Which means, done and dished up.

Now then, all we have to do is to create our Superman.

That's right.

But see, do we really have to wait

till one of those peddlers gets around?

It is a bother, isn't it?

But what else, sir?

Suppose we use that bumptious young man, that bill layden?

- Oh, he'd never agree to it. - Why?

I don't think he trusts us.

Oh. But see, he wouldn't have to trust us.

Suppose we put him under anaesthetic?

Splendid. Doctor, you're giving me just what I needed.

Yes, a jab in the lassitude.

Now let's see.

What drug would we use?

Drug? We won't use any drug.

One light, firm little tap by an expert like me,

and he'll trust us.

But, doctor, that would be violence.

So? What of it?

Compared to the boon we'll bring to humanity

by turning that little worm into a Superman?

He's not a very promising specimen.

No, but at least he has the temperament of a dive-bomber.

Come back here! Come back here, I said!

I'll teach you a lesson, young man!

Come back here! Come back herel

you weren't after my pigs, eh?

You weren't, eh?

Brampton, I'll get you!

I'll roast you like I roast one of those pigs!

Bill, what's happened?

Follow me, and you'll see what's gonna happen.

Oh, but, bill...

My nice pigs! Come down here!

- Help! Help! - Come down here!

He's trying to impale me!

Ebenezer, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Why, he's a guest.

Guest or no guest, he had it comin' to him,

sneaking into my barn at night.

I tried to explain to this fellow

that I was merely taking the evening air.

Isn't a barn rather a peculiar place to go for air?

He was after my pigs. That's what.

And he'd have got 'em if uncas hadn't yelled and warned me.

I loathe pigs!

Now listen, you guys.

I want you all to get this through your heads.

Winnie bought this dump, see,

and she's not gonna be scared into selling it back,

but nobody wants to sell it back to me, bill.

- Why, you were the only... - Shut up!

Now, the first guy that pulls one more phoney bughouse stunt,

corpses, sleepwalkin',

bodies floatin' around, anything, gets this, see?

Smack on the beezer!

Why, the young man is deranged.

Well, why doesn't somebody arrest somebody?

Oh, I am contemplating that.

Now, back to bed with you!

All of ya, go on, shoo!

Go on! Get back to bed, all of ya!

Amelia.

Oh! What am I doing?

Aw...

Oh, professor! Dr. lorencz!

Look.

Bill, what are you doing up there?

You come down.

Now, isn't that silly!

Get me the ladder! Get me the ladder!

Come on.

I hope he breaks a leg.

Then I'll set it knock-kneed.

Come on down here, bill!

Get me the ladder!

Come on, here. Come on, help me.

Oh! Are you hurt?

Here, let me pick you up.

Look, are you hurt?

- No, no, no. - Oh.

Isn't it adorable now we've cleaned it up?

- Yeah, yeah. - Come on, admit it.

Well, what good is it all out here at the end of nowhere?

I rented another room this morning.

He's a well-traveled old gentleman

- with just oodles of money. - Oh.

Why, he paid me a month in advance.

Fine, fine, fine.

When did you say he goes into the army?

The day after tomorrow.

It seems a long time to wait with the axis on the rampage.

Frankly, I'm straining at the leash too,

but we must restrain ourselves.

You saw what happened last night.

Yes, and if the army didn't need him,

I would have committed him

to the squirrel pen at idyllwild sanitarium, so help me.

Well, it takes all sorts of people

to make up this little world of ours.

- Doctor. - Hmm?

Look.

Whew. The top 'o the mornin' to you, gentlemen.

Good morning to you, sir.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Is the lady of the house in the house, or is this a house?

Certainly, it's a house.

Perhaps we can help you.

Well, it ain't exactly for men.

What isn't for men?

Mr. Stanley, he's the district sales manager.

He says, "brush off the husbands and rush the wife."

Come on. Let's see.

What is it?

Well, all right, but you ain't gonna like it.

Doctor, look, powder puffs.

So wonderful.

Yeah, you know, what you dab on your kisser.

Look at this one.

Oh, that's called the pekinese pinkeroo.

- All of them. - Huh?

Certainly, all of them.

Will $50 be sufficient?

- I mean, $20? - 20,.

If we can get him into the cabinet before he comes to,

it will save explaining.

This one will fly. I can feel it.

A heart like an ox.

Mm-mm, don't forget, professor,

this one, we have to search, remember?

Wait, here we go.

Child.

Hey, what's cookin'?

Hey! Where did that thingamadingus come from?

You fainted, and we carried you down here.

And I might add, you are very heavy, sir.

I did? Gee, I'm sorry for puttin' you gents out.

But you don't know what it means to me,

selling all my stock.

Me what Mr. Gilbert says could never sell nothin'

because I got an inferiority complex.

My dear sir, you just step into that cabinet

and we'll cure it in five minutes.

It will? You mean I'll be like other salesmen?

- Certainly. - Certainly. Irresistible.

No door, no nothing will stop you.

Brother, lead me to it.

Gee, maybe I'll even win the gold star

for sales district 46.

Maybe. Maybe.

Now, there you are.

- Now, just relax. - I'm relaxed.

What's the matter with you?

You almost ruined my electric helmet.

Gee, I'm sorry, professor,

but I'm different than other people.

Like I told ya,

everybody's ticklish on the bottom of their feet,

but not me.

Here. Go on, tickle me and see.

Tickle? All right, let's see.

- That's right. - It don't get me, see?

The only place I'm ticklish is on the top of my dome.

Here. Try it, professor.

That's it, all right.

Hold it a minute, doctor.

Why didn't we think of this before?

- Excuse me, please? - You haven't faith?

I have faith, but flying makes me dizzy.

- This will cure it. - No, no, but, please!

But I have so many things wrong with me,

flat feet and a weak heart.

He has a weak heart, and he's ticklish.

Something always goes wrong.

Ah, you ain't gonna put that thing on me.

No, no, no.

But, see, would you mind taking a little anaesthetic?

Just a little.

You mean like takin' a Mickey Finn?

Uh-huh. A little bit more gentle.

Okay. Slip it to me and call me aloysius.

All right, let's go and get it.

Good morning, Mr. brampton.

Oh! Good morning.

Doing a little research for your ballet?

Yes. I was merely examining the pattern of the rug

for the decor of the mise-en-scene.

Mm-hmm.

He's after something in this house.

If he's a choreographer, I'm pavlova.

You mean the dying swan?

Say, professor, are there any secret passages

or hidden rooms?

Not that I know of, except...

Run to my house, it's the only big one in town,

and ask Emily to give you the bottle from the shelf, huh?

With wings.

And don't tell anybody what it's for.

Who was that?

Oh, just a travelling salesman.

You're sure it was a living salesman, gentlemen?

Today, yes. For tomorrow, I can't guarantee.

That's tellin' him, doctor.

I don't like this.

It's just like reading somebody else's mail.

Keep quiet, will you?

Nothing but clothes.

- That proves it. - What?

If he were just a petty crook,

we would have found something.

The fact that he conceals the evidence proves

how dangerous he is.

What do you want?

You know it isn't milk time yet.

What do you want?

Something must be wrong.

You know, she has the most amazing instinct

for crime and corruption.

Hmm? Really?

I told you so.

Well, I guess your kitten was mistaken this time.

- It's the new guest. - Murdered.

- Help! - What's the matter?

Upstairs in room, the man, the old man...

He has a great big knife in his back like this!

Now, if this is another gag...

Police.

Hello? Hello, hurry, hurry!

The police, please.

Never mind why. That's none of your business.

Get me the police.

I've got to see this.

J. Gilbert brampton.

- Hmm? You think he did... - Yeah.

Hello, the police! Please hurry!

Hello, hello, hello. The police?

There has been a murder.

Murders? Murder, where?

Yes, of course.

It's an act of cold-blooded murder.

- Hurry, please. - Please hurry!

Look here, you two,

- there was nothing up there. - Huh?

- What? - No knife, no body, nothing.

But we saw it, didn't we?

I have to see this.

Look, fun's fun, but cut it out, will you, kids?

She was right.

But you're not implying there was no corpse?

No, but it's gone.

What? Oh.

Oh, doctor! Where are you?

- It isn't in brampton's room. - It's not?

That proves he did it.

He's covering up his tracks.

He's a homicidal maniac.

Why, he may strike at you or me.

We'd better stick together till the police comes.

Halt!

Hold up, will you?

What's the big idea, smart guy?

Yeah. That was a new tyre.

There's a munitions plant over yonder,

and you was ordered to halt.

Yes, but we're state officers.

Yeah.

Well, get back on the other side of the bridge,

and we'll see.

- Look... - Go on.

Look, we're on the way to a murder at billings tavern.

Sure. And every second counts.

- Sure. - Yeah?

What's the number out there?

Jenksville 64.

Well, come on. We'll see.

Well, now, wait a minute.

- Come on, come on. - Take it easy, will ya?

Jenksville 64.

Hello? Yeah, this is the tavern.

There's a couple of guys here who call themselves cops,

been yappin' about a murder out at your place.

Murder? Somebody's been kiddin' you.

There's no murder out here.

But there...

I'm positive!

Okay, buddy. Thanks.

Well, that's that.

And no more corpses. Do you understand?

What are you guys tryin' to pull?

Nothin'.

I'm telling you,

the guy on the phone said there was a murder.

And another thing,

why didn't you stop when I hollered "halt?"

Well, we didn't hear you. We were talkin'.

- Yeah? What about? - Nothin'. Just war strategy.

War strategy, huh?

Well, come along with me.

You can tell your plot to the captain.

- Look... - March!

You can't do this to us. We're taxpayers.

- Come on. Come on. - Take it easy, will you?

Did you see that knife?

He pointed it directly at me.

Hiya, gents.

Emily wasn't home,

so I guess it was okay to bust the front window, wasn't it?

Yes, of course.

Couldn't we lock him up on intent to commit murder?

Murder? I didn't kill nobody.

All I did was pick up a rock...

- Not you. - No, no, no, not you.

Before the world is suddenly deprived of my services,

come what may, I will complete my great work.

Now come with me, my friend.

And when you come out,

I guarantee you, you won't know yourself.

- I won't? - No.

Gee, that's wonderful.

Will it fix my brains

so I can do arithmetic like the kids do?

Like the kids. Take a smell of this now.

I can't smell it through my blocked sinuses.

Blocked sinuses?

Inhale deeply.

Am I unconscious yet?

You most certainly are not.

Gee, that's a shame.

Maybe it ain't the real McCoy.

Maybe it's some intoxicating beverages or somethin'.

Here, try it.

See, I told you that...

What'd I do?

What'd I do? It's murder.

And it ain't right to murder,

my mother told me so.

Help! Murder, murder!

I killed 'em! The professor and the doctor!

- Again, huh? - No. This is the first time.

I never killed them before, honest.

This is the end.

Out they go, both of them, laboratory and all.

I don't know what could've been wrong.

What happened here?

I didn't do it on purpose, honest.

All I did was take the bottle, you see.

And they told me to take a smell out of it.

And I smelled it.

And it didn't smell bad.

And then I says, "go on. You smell."

And he smelled.

You see, now, then I said, "you smell it.

Go on. See?"

And that's all that...

What's the matter? Don't you feel well?

Quintuplets. Ooh, gee.

Now I'm a wholesale murderer. Mama!

Good morning.

Where are we?

- How did they get here? - What?

Why, I haven't the faintest idea.

- But, at last, doctor... - Hmm?

- Quick, into the cabinet. - Say, that's a wonderful...

But, wait, wait, wait.

We'd better make sure.

It's much too great an honour for him,

but better a second-class Superman than none whatsoever.

Somebody's trying to break in.

Maybe it's the police.

Into the storeroom.

Quick.

Come on.

- Which one? This one? - Yes.

This happens to me all the time.

Something always goes wrong.

Come on. Come on.

That's the way.

Shh.

Look.

Doctor.

Good morning, sir.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

We'll buy everything you've got.

- Will $20... - You have the match, no?

Oh, yes, a match. Please.

Don't anybody move, or I'll light this fuse.

In this sack, I have 40 kilos of dynamite,

and I don't mean ravioli.

- I'm a human bomb. - A human bomb?

Yes, I am a fascist aviator

who just escaped from the prison camp in Canada.

We shall stay here until it is dark, the three of us.

And then you will take me to the munition plant,

where there will be the unexpected fireworks.

- That is against... - We don't...

I'm not begging you. I am telling you.

And now perhaps you will be kind enough

to relax until it is dark?

- Yes. - Aha, good.

Remember, you're dealing with silvio,

the pride of the air force,

who has to his credit 19 planes shot out from under him,

six of them bombers.

I got youl!

Let go of me! Let go of me!

- Winnie! - Oh, bill!

Take it easy.

They just drugged us to get us down into here.

Well, this time, they've gone too far.

How do we get outta here?

Where's the door?

Imagine rigging up a fake morgue like this.

Wax dummies, wreaths, are they crazy?

- What's that noise? - Hmm?

Like typewriter keys.

What did you say, bill?

I didn't say anything.

What's the matter with them?

Imagining we'd fall for a gag like this.

Oh, but you're wonderful, darling.

You knew from the minute you arrived

they were fakes, didn't you?

Uh-huh.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Gosh! It's fun, in a way, being entombed.

Hello? Is there anybody alive down there?

One false word or action,

and there will be no one alive, capito?

- Yes, yes. - Capito. Capito.

Hey, the both of yous recuperated, huh?

And I thought it was crapes and candles.

I think you'd better go along, my good man.

And here is your money, sir.

10, no, I know. $20.

Ain't there no way you can aphyxiate me

so I can take the treatment?

Later. Later.

Can't you bop me on the head with somethin'?

With that shillelagh?

Not now. Please run along.

Hey, let's try it.

Super Superman?

Irresistible force charging into immovable object? Hmm?

- Then I get another chance? - Certainly!

Step right into here, sir. Please.

Here, just the thing.

There you are, doctor.

Be as gentle as possible.

Oh, certainly, certainly.

Close your eyes. I can't...

I told you, no monkey doodle!

Don't jump at us like that.

What are you doing to him?

Just a little electric tonic,

you know, to invigorate his powder puff personality.

Only an americano would want that personality.

Please, please.

Hey! Open up in there, will ya?

Open up!

Bill, you're getting yourself hoarse.

Who cares?

Ooh.

Wait till I get out of here.

I'll show that professor.

Locking us up here with all these wax dummies.

Almost lifelike, aren't they?

Bill, they are alive! I mean dead!

Now you're just getting yourself hysterical. That's all.

They're dead people!

Yeah, I know, honey.

- Oh! Bless my soul. - Hey, it was brampton. Hey!

Oh, my fingers! Get the candle.

All right, hold the door.

Straight ahead, just follow me.

Bill.

You would have to buy an early American tavern.

I'll never buy another one.

They're droppin' like flies.

- Where are we? - In your room.

Well, where's the police? Why aren't they here?

Why? You stopped them.

I stopped them?

Oh. Well, we gotta get them again.

Why didn't you stop me from stoppin' 'em

when I started to stop 'em anyway?

Come on.

How do you work this doohickey?

Hello? Yeah, get me the state police.

Yeah. Yeah, quick.

Why didn't those cops come anyway?

Why'd they have to believe me?

- Another one! - It's Mr. brampton.

He's the one that screamed.

What did you do to him?

We had a lot of trouble getting here.

- She killed him! I saw her. - Amelial

what do you mean you saw her?

Say, who was it told that soldier

there wasn't any murder here?

- Well, I did, but... - You see?

- And she stabbed him. - Have you gone crazy?

All right, you two, remember,

anything you say, it'll be held against you.

Wait a minute. He's not dead.

I must have fainted.

Where is that murderous creature, that female butcher?

Mr. brampton, the knife.

Knife?

Whoa.

Oh! Here, it must have been deflected by my corset.

It just goes to show you can still rely on whalebone.

Even when pussyfooting

around secret passageways, Mr. brampton?

Miss layden, it may interest you to know

that Benedict Arnold once pussyfooted

through those very same passageways in 1775.

- He did? - He certainly did.

Well, where is he now?

Oh well, you're not going early American on me again,

are you, after what happened downstairs?

Downstairs? Say, what goes on around here?

Yeah.

Miss layden, you are the possessor

of a priceless historic landmark.

As curator of the historical society of America,

I have authenticated it.

I regret having posed as a choreographer,

but until I was sure...

Oh, bill, it's priceless!

Yeah? But is it worth anything?

Well, I shall be more than happy to pay her

$20,000 anytime she wants.

All right, all right.

But what about downstairs?

There she is, the female who tried to assassinate me!

I got a lemon meringue pie in the oven.

Lemon meringue, my eye.

I only did it for his money.

I wanted to get a henhouse for my poor homeless chickens.

- What homeless chickens? - The ones I'm going to get.

What's the use of talkin' about the worthless varmints

if you ain't got any?

It's better than talkin' about your smelly old pigs.

Pigs, chickens, what goes here?

I saw what you did to the lodger in room 4

when you wanted to get the money for your pig farm.

And I know where you hid the body. Come here.

- Come on, junior. - Junior?

Look, tucked up there on the top shelf.

That's no zoot suit you're lookin" at.

I'll say it ain't.

No one will understand

when we did it just for the professor.

Come on.

You're always talkin' so much.

Gab, gab, gab, gab, all the time.

Hey, Fred. Phone the coroner Dr. lorencz.

Dr. lorencz, professor billings.

Five more what?

- Bodies. - Bodies?

Oh, and that pip-squeak of a private said

everything was gonna be lovely here.

Come on. I'll show you.

- 40 seconds to go. - For what?

For the tonic.

Remember, we are on the brink of annihilation.

The bodies are in a back room.

Go on, officer.

I am going. Where's Fred?

Here I am, Joe, old boy.

Whatever they're doing, I don't like it.

Neither do I.

Put 'em up.

- Put 'em up! - That means you, professor.

You heard him.

Oh, there's a man in that cabinet!

- They're killing him. - Will you be quiet?

Officer, don't you think you should do something?

Hey! I'm talkin' to you guys.

Be quiet, I said!

Five seconds.

Three seconds.

Now!

Excuse me, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if any one of you has a weak heart,

I advise you to leave this room,

because you are about to witness a phenomenon

that will flabbergast, yes, flabbergast

the imagination of everyone here, bar none.

And I thank you.

- Well, then... - If you wouldn't mind.

Oh! He seems quite well-done.

I don't believe it.

They murdered him, like they murdered the other five!

Please, please. The word is martyrised.

Why, they're dingbatty! Like these two!

I should've brought the straitjackets.

Do you realise to whom you are addressing

your childish remarks to?

- Of course I do. - I am speaking to him!

Yes, and I'm talkin' to you!

- Now come along, boy. - Leave me alone!

They stay here!

They all stay here. Capito?

Hey, what's goin' on around here?

It's your whole day.

There will be no information leak out

until the arsenal will go boom!

Ba-boom!

Oh, won't there? Come along, Jo-Jo.

- Watch out! Watch out! - He's a human bomb.

Well, isn't that delightful?

A time bomb or a fuse bomb?

A fuse bomb.

Hey, it is a fuse!

Why doesn't somebody do something?

Come on down outta there before I perforate you.

Hmm. So, my friend will shoot.

Then the dynamite will go off,

and we are all little nothings.

Ghosts!

- He dropped that sack! - Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I'll get it! Give me this thing.

Hey, hey, hey!

What are ya tryin' to do, steal my sample case?

- Get outta here. - Too late! There it goes!

Too late for what?

What's goin' on?

- Phooey. - Oh, mama.

All right. Come on, Jo-Jo.

Mr. professor, can I have my apple now?

Yes, and my alarm clocks too.

Look. They are not dead.

They must have been in a state of suspended animation.

Congratulations, professor.

Our names will go down in history.

We invented a method to preserve life.

But, I did so want to make a Superman.

- Come on. You're all nuts. - Now, wait a minute.

We just sold this place for $20,000.

- Yes. - And I've got

the certified check upstairs in my other suit.

Oh, where I'm takin' you, they got everything,

certified checks, supermen, everything.

Where are you taking us?

To a nice, quiet little place called idyllwild sanitarium.

- But that's the asylum. - Soitis. So it is.

But don't worry, professor.

I am the chairman of the board of directors up there.