Original subtitles

Alright, let's get the lead out.

Come on, come on. Move it.

Hup. Hup. Hup.

One, two, three, four.

Hup. Hup. Hup.

One, two, three, four.

Hup. Hup.

Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup.

One, two, three, four.

Hup. Hup. Hup. Hup.

Hup, hup, hup.

Lieutenant, Frigg's done it again.

Well, this is jolly nice if you ask me.

Haven't had a proper wash since Tobruk.

Well, you better make the best of it.

My information is that

we won't be here much longer.

- Oh, pushing on, you mean? - Mm.

I've heard just the opposite. Digging in and all that.

Mais non, I distinctly overheard someone saying

the Italians are in full retreat.

No, no, no, old man, excuse me,

but as I understand it,

they're expected to make something of a stand.

Nothing of the kind. None of you understand the deployments.

Look here.

Now here's the main force in the center.

American armor backed up by British heavy artillery.

Here is our village right here in George Sector

and as I understand it, the enemy is here.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Excuse me, old man.

As I understand it, the enemy's just about here.

The way I heard it, he's definitely over here.

You are all three mistaken.

The enemy happens to be over here.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

but I'm afraid you're all mistaken.

He's here.

Attenti!

"It is my official duty to declare you prisoners of war.

"You are required at this time

to divulge your true name, rank and service."

And at this time.

Pennypacker, Roscoe G., Brigadier General.

De Rochambeau, Andre. General de Brigade.

Cox-Roberts, Adrian Smith, Brigadier.

Armstrong, Newton W., Brigadier General.

Mayhew, Francis Baxter, CB, DSO, MC Brigadier,

Director of Fighting Vehicles,

Department of the Master General of the Ordnance,

British Expeditionary Forces.

Uh, generals, huh?

All of you?

I say.

Gentlemen, welcome to Castello di Montefiore.

I am Colonnello Enrico Ferrucci.

As you can very well imagine, Rome was not at all prepared

to accommodate, uh, five gentlemen

of your, uh, exalted rank.

As a result, I have been personally charged

by the high command, of course,

to see that everything will be done

to ensure for your comfort and your well-being

as is set down in the articles of the Geneva Convention.

Now may I present our staff?

Second in command, Sottotenente Carlo Rossano.

It is your exquisite pleasure to acquaint my knowledge

in the manner for to be distributed as the pleasure

of my entire faith extends to your dignity.

The circumstance to secure your presence as numerical blessings

onto the collection of your sensational position.

- Rossano. - Also more...

Thank you, lieutenant. It was very nice.

Rossano is studying English very strenuously.

And now our ranking non-commissioned officer,

Sergente Bernardo Pozzallo.

You'll find the sergente very accommodating.

His contacts with the local black market,

uh, to say the least, is very prolific.

Signore colonnello, I swear to you...

Swear. Pozzallo, you must stop this swearing.

One of these days, you're going to be struck down by lightning.

- But... - Ma niente.

The soldiers, you see, are your guards.

But they will also function as waiters and valets.

Now concerning my own qualifications,

it would suffice to say that for nine years,

I was manager of the Ritz-Excelsior Hotel in Genoa.

Oh, really?

Gentlemen, may I present your hostess,

la Contessa di Montefiore.

Gentlemen.

Who has so graciously loaned

her magnificent home to the war effort.

Oh, please.

You are most welcome here. Good day, gentlemen.

Contessa.

What a charming girl.

The contessa will occupy the gatehouse,

the one that you see there beyond the walls.

I suppose there's a husband around somewhere.

The count was killed seven months ago in North Africa

by the British.

Oh, I see. I'm most frightfully sorry about that.

This way, gentlemen.

The point of interest. The Costello was built in 1311.

The original building was burned down

to the ground in 1614

and the present structure was erected in 1724.

This way, please.

Gentlemen, no doubt, the thought of escape

must have crossed your minds.

Well, don't be embarrassed. It is quite natural.

But I must warn you.

The Costello is built like a fortress.

The walls are thick, high and extremely well-guarded.

In addition, the barbed wire fence, uh, that you saw

completely surrounds the villa.

Furthermore, my men are passable shots.

Nothing spectacular, I'm afraid, but they are passable.

My suggestion would be for you to relax and enjoy

the beauty and the comfort of your surroundings.

You see, gentlemen, escape is totally out of the question.

Alright, Pennypacker continues to gain speed

until he contacts the barrier here at Point George

and breaks through. Mission accomplished.

I say, old boy, who made you chief of ruddy staff?

Well, somebody has to take charge.

Jolly good, but why you?

But we are all of equal rank, mon vieux.

Yes. Well, then I imagine it's a question of seniority.

Well, who's the senior officer?

Actually, I believe I am.

Not in my army.

Uh, excuse me, gentlemen, but, uh,

we seem to find ourselves in a situation rather unique

in the annals of military history.

A unit composed entirely of brigadiers.

Now that would appear to leave us no alternative, but, uh,

to command by committee.

I say. Jolly good idea. Formidable.

Good thinking, Roscoe, good thinking.

Alright, then shall we vote on Armstrong's escape plan?

- Yes. - All those in favor?

Oppose? Plan rejected.

- Gentlemen, now I thought... - What I thought was...

Eleven weeks, gentlemen.

What are they waiting for?

Eleven weeks.

Yes.

That's how long those five goldbricking generals

have been hanging around this fancy Italian country club.

Eleven weeks.

Now we've got to do something about it,

to break up that logjam and do it quickly.

Do you know they've even started making up songs about them?

Mm? Oh, yes.

Uh, Captain Stanley, if you will, please?

Sir.

♪ What the hell are we fighting for... 33

Just, just read the words, captain, thank you.

"What the hell are we fighting for?

"What the hell are we fighting for"

"when five of our generals resigned from the war?"

"Roll me over, lay me down and, uh, do it again.”

Thank you. There you are. Hm? Oh.

And you know, this little ditty is in the top ten

in our enlisted men's barracks in the prisoner war camps

in Germany. Hm? Yeah.

Yes, gentlemen.

So I asked personnel to find me an expert.

A specialist, someone who would know precisely what to do,

how to cope with this matter.

Who is our man?

Colonel, may I have the envelope, please?

Thank you.

"Frigg. Harry R."

Private Frigg first arrived here in February 1942.

Sixty days for insulting an officer's parentage.

He was released after six months.

I... I thought you said 60 days.

He escaped seven times.

- Oh, good, very good. - I beg your pardon, general?

Hm? No, no, no. Go ahead, colonel.

He was back two weeks later, 60 days for accusing

a major of acting like General Arnold.

- Hap? - Benedict.

Who? Oh! Oh, him.

He was released after five months, three escapes.

Only three? I hope the lad wasn't losing heart.

He's presently serving 90 days

for making indecent advances to a lieutenant colonel.

A WAC.

Oh! Oh, well, that's...

- Escapes? - Eight.

Ah, that's the spirit, huh?

He's in here, sir.

Colonel.

Frigg's done it again.

Oh, fine.

Fine.

Hurry it up, will you, corporal? I'm due for tea at 3:00.

Uh, would you close that thing?

I'll never get these pictures developed.

- Private Frigg, sir. - Thank you, Clyde.

Ah, Frigg.

Come in, son. Come on in. Sit down.

Ah, no, I... I'll stand right here, sir.

- Alright. Harry, isn't it? - Yes, sir.

Do you mind if I call you Harry?

- No, sir. - Good. Have a cigar.

No, I, I don't smoke.

Ah, "Lady Nicotine," huh? Good boy.

Harry, do you mind if I ask you something?

What would that be, sir?

Mm, in checking over your service record,

I find that you don't think too much of officers.

Do you mind telling me why?

Mm.

Oh, Harry. Come on now, you can be frank with me.

This is all strictly off the record.

Yeah, well.

You know, the brass may look okay to you

where you stand, but you know, from where I sit...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

- That bad, hm? - Mm, I... lousy.

- Well. - Really, really lousy.

Hm. Of course, Harry,

everyone has to start at the bottom of the ladder.

Yeah, but everybody doesn't have to stay there.

Now I've been a private for a long time.

How long, Harry?

A young fellow like you, what, a year? Two years?

Since the day I was born.

No, you're lookin' at a 30 year man.

In that case, I think, perhaps

you might be entitled to something.

- Mm? - Well...

Harry, what would you say if I told you

I'd put you up for a little promotion?

Captain Stanley, would you do the honors, please?

General, are you sure you wanna go through with this?

The honors, captain, please.

Alright, stand at attention, private.

Attention.

"Private Harry Randolph Frigg, serial number 32843478

"will from this time hereby assume

"be authorized to wear the insignia of

"and will serve in the rank of...

major general of the United States Army."

You've been promoted, Harry. Major general.

Major, what?

General.

Boy, that's some promotion.

What happened to all the, uh, other junk in between?

I mean, like corporal and, uh, lieutenant colonel?

And now, captain, if you'll pin on the insignia, please?

General, you can't pin stars on a private's uniform.

How do you know? No one ever tried before.

Besides, general, it's not too late to back out.

I mean, if you put stars on his shoulders,

when he walks out of here, he'll actually be a general.

- True, true. Insignia. - A real general, general.

I mean, look at him. Just look at him.

He's barely got a firm grip on private.

Well, the insignia, S... Sydney, please.

♪ Rum bum ta ta ta ti ♪

♪ Dan ta ta ta ♪♪

Well, now there we are. Hm?

Well, we'll get him a proper set of uniforms later, but, uh...

Alright, now, captain, if you'll excuse us, please?

Harry and I have a few little things

we'd like to discuss in private.

You know, uh, general talk.

How do they feel, Harry?

Well, they're kind of heavy, sir.

No, no, no, Harry. You mustn't call me sir.

See, I only have one star.

Strictly speaking, I should be calling you sir.

But b... between us generals,

we're generally on a first-name basis, you know, so...

M... my name's Homer.

- How are you, Homer? - Hi, hi.

Uh, Harry, I wonder if I can ask you to do something for me?

Well, what would that be, Homer?

Well, it's just that I... I hesitate

to... to ask a favor, you know.

And so soon in our new relationship, I mean, it's...

No, go ahead, Homer.

I... it would mean so much to me, Harry, uh,

to all of us up here, in fact, uh...

I mean, you sure you wouldn't mind my...

Oh, for goodness sake, Homer. What are friends for?

Well, it's just that we've got these

five one-star generals, you see.

Are you crazy?

Oh, what the hell do you think I wanna do a thing like that for?

Somebody has to do it, Harry.

I mean, somebody has to go in there and get them out.

Yeah, but why waste a, a whole general?

I mean, why don't you just send a lousy major or a captain or...

Because five one-star generals just aren't going to take

any orders from a lousy captain or a major.

And besides, a captain and a major wouldn't be put

into the same prison camp as five one-star generals either.

Well, uh, now, you gotta know some, uh,

other two-star generals, you know,

who'd like to take a little...

Not offhand, no.

Of course, if you refuse, Harry, well, then I suppose

I'd just have to demote you again.

- To colonel? - I hardly think so.

No, and then there's the stockade.

You'd probably have to go back there for an awfully long time.

Oh, that's, uh, that would be lousy.

- Hm-hm. - Lousy.

So what I'm prepared to offer you, Harry,

is if you accept this assignment,

when you've completed it, you won't be demoted

any lower than, oh, sergeant.

Mm, shall we say staff?

Shall we say master?

Uh, master.

And I'll see that your unserved time in the stockade

is reduced to 60 days.

- Nah. - Thirty days.

- Mm. - Wiped clean.

Wiped clean.

Is it a deal, Harry?

- Yeah. That's a deal. - Good boy, good boy.

And now I'll expect you to hold yourself

in immediate readiness for a, a series of briefings

on the area, the terrain, the personnel involved,

et cetera and so forth and so on, you know.

So well, I guess that's just about it for now.

- Huh? - Uh, Homer.

These, uh, briefings that you're talking about, uh,

will they cover how to make the rest of me go along with these?

No, like I mean, how do they work?

That's the easy part, Harry.

Don't you see? Those two stars mean

that anything you do is better, smarter, brighter

than, uh, anything anyone else does,

uh, with... with less than two stars.

- No kidding. - Yes.

No kidding.

Ten-shun!

Yeah, that's it. It's all yours. You're getting it.

- Homer. - Huh?

You mean...

Yes, sir.

They ought to work pretty good.

General?

Uh, may I ask, sir,

y... you didn't accept this assignment

just to get even, did you, sir?

- Oh, with who? - T... the brass, sir.

Well, whatever gave you that idea?

Mm, just ten minutes ago,

you didn't seem to think too much of officers, sir.

Yeah, well,

ten, um, minutes ago, I was a buck private.

Like the man said, "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it."

Well, maybe I am steppin' out of class,

but it'd be nice to have a chance to find out.

Major general might not be

just the easiest place in the world to start.

Eh, when there's a war, you take what you can get.

All five of us could be over the top

in precisely 1 minute and 42 seconds.

- Any questions? - Yes. How do we do it?

By means of rope ladders secreted here and here

behind the ivy on the wall. Any more questions?

Yes, I have one. When I suggested exactly the same plan

two weeks ago, why did you vote against it?

And who do you think originally suggested the rope ladders?

Moi. That's who.

In my plan of three weeks ago

at which time you both voted against it.

Because that was a flagrant steal of my third plan

submitted only two days before that.

Newton.

Uh, gentlemen, I suggest we vote on it, mm?

All those in favor of Mayhew's plan?

Oppose?

Plan's rejected. Gentlemen...

- Now I have a plan. - I have a plan.

Gentlemen, oh! I hope I'm not interrupting.

I was most anxious to share some news with you.

We have finally received the shipment of ammunition.

The guards now have bullets in their guns.

Thank you.

General Frigg. Uh, is that correct?

Major General Frigg.

Oh. Yes, of course. I am Colonnello Ferrucci.

Welcome to Castello di Montefiore.

Uh, it will suffice for me to say that for nine years,

I was manager of the Ritz-Excelsior Hotel in Genoa.

Front, uh, orderly.

A point of interest, general, this castle was built

in 1311 by the Emperor Henry VI of Luxemburg.

The Tintoretto, of course, is an original.

Your room, Sir.

What is the, uh...

What's the matter with this one?

Nothing. Just that it belongs to Brigadier Cox-Roberts.

- Oh. - Yes.

Brigadier? That's, uh, one star, huh?

Would you say that, uh, that this was a two-star room

or would you say that this was a two-star room?

Take it.

Breakfast is served from ♪:00 to 9:00.

You may have it in your room if you desire.

Please, do tell the orderly

if you prefer coffee, uh, tea or, uh, uh, chocolate.

Lunch at 1:00. Dinner precisely at 8:00

in the banquet hall of the east wing.

The laundry and the dry cleaning will be, uh, collected

on Tuesdays and Thursdays and returned the following day.

General, do you take starch?

Uh, no. I'm watching my weight.

- Roscoe? - HM?

You ever heard of an air force two-star named Frigg?

- Frigg. - With two Gs.

No, but that doesn't mean much.

The way they pushed those flyboys ahead,

he was probably no more than a captain last week.

I say, you chaps.

We've got our hands full with this one, I can tell you.

He's had the cheek to pinch my room.

- Really? - Yes.

Francis, suppose the enemy planted him here as an informer?

- Yes. That's always possible. - Yeah.

Perhaps we better go and find out.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah?

Excellency, I have for to present the honor

of naming your fellows.

F... what was that?

Mr. Generals Armstrong, Pennypasher, Rockambeau,

Cockus-Roberts and also Mayhev.

- Hew. - Possibly.

Yeah, well, what can I do for you?

There are a few questions we'd like to ask you, Frigg.

- Frigg? - Uh, that is, um, sir.

What's on your mind?

Well, we thought it would be kind of fun just to drop in

and exchange stories as to how we all happened to get captured.

I, uh, didn't get captured. I allowed myself to be captured.

You what?

You can't expect us to believe that.

Oh, I don't know. Uh, lke sort of thought you would.

Ke, who? lke. The supreme commander?

Yeah, you were in his class at the Point, 1915, weren't you?

Bull. I mean, your friends call you Bull.

Some of them.

Yeah, well, he gave me a little message for you.

Um, it was about that time at the Army-Navy...

It's about that time at the, uh, at the Army-Navy...

It was, uh, about that time...

Yeah, well...

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Now then down to business.

The fact is, we are not happy with you men.

We are not happy at all.

May I ask, sir, who we is?

- Me and lke. - Oh.

Now I'm sure you've got your excuses,

but we're not interested in excuses.

What we are interested in is results.

Yes, sir.

And that means getting the hell

out of here, capeesh?

C... capeesh.

Uh, you're dismissed.

Dismissed!

Harry Frigg, you're a bloody major general.

Oh, boy, if that turns out to be one of the guards,

I'm gonna change sides.

Hey. Psst! Psst!

Psst!

Hey, do you work here?

Uh, are you a serving girl, a maid or something?

Come here.

You speak English?

Hm?

Me, Harry.

- Oh. - Harry.

- Harry. - Yeah.

- You... - Francesca.

- Francesca. - Mm-hm.

Uh, I'm a major general.

Oh, major general?

Yeah. You?

- Me, no major general. - Oh, boy.

- Where you come from? - Hey, you speak English.

- Please? - You speak Eng...

Where do I come from? Uh...

Me, a big warrior chief

drop 'em from silver bird in sky.

Oh.

- You understand? - No.

Look, are you puttin' me on?

- Please? - Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

You're really, um, you're pretty as a picture, honey.

But, uh, you're sure pretty dumb.

Hey, uh, come here.

Big warrior chief like breakfast in bed.

- Uh, breakfast? - Yeah.

- In bed? - Yeah.

Uh, you bring my breakfast in bed?

- Yes. - Tomorrow, yes?

- No. - Oh, please.

- Thank you. - Thank you?

You're welcome.

Uh, yeah?

- Excuse me, sir? - Who is that?

- Pennypacker, sir. - Oh, yeah. Pennypacker.

What can I do for you?

Well, if I may speak frankly, sir.

Oh, sure. Be my guest.

I can always have you shot later.

Well, general, some of us get, oh, uh...

Some of us get the impression

that you think we like being here, general.

Well, this isn't, uh, exactly

the black hole of Calcutta, is it?

Well, we have been trying to escape, general.

We really have.

Things haven't worked out very well, that's all.

I guess it's just not our line of work.

What is, uh, your line of work, Pennypacker?

I'm a lawyer. A good one, I like to think.

Cox-Roberts is a first-class engineer.

Mayhew, a fine ordnance man.

Rochambeau's a financial wizard.

And Bull Armstrong's a crackerjack supply officer.

But none of us is much good at this sort of thing.

It's just not what we were trained for.

So, general, if, if we look sort of clumsy

and ludicrous at times,

I hope you'll remember that we're trying very hard to cope

with a rather absurd situation.

Yeah. Okay. I'll remember, Pennypacker.

- Roscoe. - Roscoe.

Uh, yeah.

His Excellency, Colonnello Ferrucci honors

the expression of General Frigg by for to present

in formal eatings of welcome

onto the occasion of her custodial entrance

before nine half of the clock immediately.

Give me a hint.

Ferrucci's throwing a little feed

in your honor tonight at 8:30.

Mm.

- Ah, yeah. - Thank you. Possibly.

- You mean, you got... - Clear as a bell.

Roscoe, you have been here too long.

Possibly.

Gentlemen.

Colonel Ferrucci has asked me to announce.

Dinner can now be served.

Madame la Contessa has arrived.

She apologizes for being late, gentlemen.

Madame, uh, who?

Madame la Contessa di Montefiore.

These are her estates.

She's been invited to dinner tonight

in your honor.

Can't say I mind very much.

- Damn charming woman. - Not hard to look at either.

We must not keep her waiting.

- Good evening. - Good evening, la contessa.

General, may I have the honor to present your actual hostess,

la Contessa Francesca Maria Eugenia.

Donatello do Montefiore, General Frigg.

But General Frigg and I have already met.

- Oh. - Is that true?

He introduced himself to me this afternoon most charmingly.

I never suspected that Americans could be so entertaining.

He left me quite speechless.

I hope I did not appear rude, general.

No, you...

Then you forgive me? I'm so glad.

Bene, and now that we are all very good friends,

shall we go in, uh, to dinner?

May I take your arm, general?

Ah, please.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Colonel Ferrucci, don't tell me you were actually

able to find asparagus de la vallee du Rhone?

With, uh, great effort, general.

General Frigg.

Don't you speak French, general?

Uh, well, little.

No.

There is no reason why you should.

Please forgive us. It was quite rude.

No, that's okay.

A noble dish, asparagus.

Did you know it was Cato the Elder... Thank you.

Cato the Elder in the second century BC

who actually gave us our first directions

in the art of raising asparagus?

How interesting.

And what did he recommend, General Mayhew?

Cultivating with sheep manure to avoid weeds.

Mm, colonel, your food is delicious.

I never thought that prison would turn out to be

one of my favorite restaurants.

Gentlemen, let me ask all of you a question.

Suppose that you were confined for the rest of your lives

in a single restaurant, which one would you choose?

- Just one? - That's correct.

And to make it more entertaining,

you have only five seconds to answer.

Oh, I say, a game. What fun.

Rochambeau, will you begin?

I choose Chez Point in Vienne.

General Armstrong?

The London Chop House.

- Oh. - In Detroit.

Brigadier Mayhew?

Oh, the Savoy Grill in London, naturally.

General Pennypacker?

Locke-Ober's, Boston.

Uh, Brigadier Cox-Roberts?

Oh, the Mirabelle on Curzon Street.

Uh, General Frigg?

Yeah, well...

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Only five seconds. Remember?

Uh...

A local establishment, perhaps?

- Where is your home? - Uh, New Jersey.

And which is the best restaurant in New Jersey?

Well,

there is this little place just outside of Patterson.

Oh, really? And what's the specialty?

Uh, veal cutlets.

Which sauce do you prefer, general?

Well, a little ketchup usually does it.

Ketchup?

General, as the newest arrival to our little group,

we would all be honored if you would propose a toast.

- Yes. - Here.

Oh, no. I, I think I'll pass.

- Oh. Come on. - Please, general.

Let us hear a New Jersey toast.

Uh, mud in your eye.

- Thank you, Mayhew. - Those eyes.

Have you ever seen such eyes?

- They're absolutely... - Charming.

It's always rather awkward,

what, none of us being able to see her home.

Harry, the contessa was looking for you when she left.

- Where were you, Harry? - Harry? H...

- Just add a sir to that. - Yes, sir, Harry.

And while we're at it,

why don't we try a little stand to attention around here?

Oh, now look here, Harry.

That's an order, not a toast. Attention!

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

Fine bunch of generals you guys turned out to be.

You may know a lot about asparagus,

but asparagus isn't gonna get us out of here. I am.

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

That doesn't mean that you're just gonna sit around

doing zilch while I'm working my can off.

You're gonna sweat a little, too, for a change.

- Sweat? - How's that?

Games. Games. You're good at games, Cox-Roberts.

Five seconds. How many guards they got around here?

Well, there's, um, Frederico, um, Bernardo...

I said how many, not who.

Rochambeau, what does the countryside

look like around here?

Oh, it's quite beautiful actually.

I want a report. I want a full report on all of that stuff

and anything else you can think of.

Yes, sir. We'll get on that straight away tomorrow morning.

Tonight! I want it tonight.

I don't wanna spend any more time

in this hole than I have to.

But I say, it's getting frightfully late.

Tonight.

Do you read me, brigadier?

Perfectly, sir.

Now I'm going to go up and get some sleep.

I don't wanna be disturbed.

Dining with royalty always leaves me pooped.

Oh, what on earth's the matter with him?

Search me.

You know, there is an old French expression.

Yes?

Unfortunately, it doesn't apply at all.

Oh.

Excuse me.

You look quite uncomfortable in there.

Wouldn't you like to come in?

- Are you sure it's okay? - Why?

- Have you come to assault me? - I don't think so.

Oh, then you've come to escape.

How exciting. May I watch?

Watch? Escape? What?

You have already escaped.

This gatehouse is outside the walls.

Well, what do you know?

The front door is down the stairs and to the right.

Downstairs to the right.

Aren't you even going to try to stop me?

General, I have joined Switzerland and Sweden.

Now I am neutral.

When my husband was killed,

I decided to make a separate peace.

Now I'm no longer involved in the war.

You mean... nobody around here seems to be.

The others, do they know you're not really a general?

No, they bought that hook, line and sink...

I have observed a great many generals.

They behave quite differently.

Well, it's just so happens that I am a real general.

I was promoted last... What do you mean

they behave differently?

- Who? - The real gen...

The other generals.

So what? They rattle off the name

of a couple of ritzy restaurants.

I just couldn't think of any, that's all.

Then why didn't you just say so?

'Cause you made me nervous.

You don't appear to be the sort of man

who becomes nervous in front of women.

Well, I haven't messed around with many countesses.

Oh, one or two, nothin' ever serious.

You didn't seem to have any trouble

when you thought I was a servant.

A big warrior chief drop from silver bird...

Alright. Okay. Okay.

You really enjoy doing that, don't you?

- Doing what? - Makin' a guy feel lousy.

I'm not trying to make you feel lousy.

Well, then why is it that I feel lousy?

Because you are a lousy general.

Oh.

That was a lousy thing to say.

- I know, I'm sorry... - No, that was lousy.

That was really lousy.

I said I'm sorry.

Would it make you feel any better to know

that I'm not a real general either?

What do you mean? You're a countess.

Not until I was married to the count.

So you see, I was promoted rather recently myself.

Perhaps, that's why I recognized you so easily.

But how come I couldn't tell about you?

Because you still consider yourself a private

and I do not.

Why is that?

It's not how much you know, general.

It's a question of your manner, your attitude, your confidence.

Could you give me a for instance?

Well, a real general will not treat me

as a countess, but as a woman

who just happened to be a countess.

You still do not treat me as a woman, general.

That is easy.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I said confidence, not impudence.

Was there something wrong with that?

It was rude. It was disrespectful.

And worst of all, it was a waste.

You didn't enjoy it and neither did I.

Well, speak for yourself.

If I didn't, you couldn't.

Good point.

How long do you think it would take for me to work up

to that... whatever it was you were talking about?

It's not a question of time.

Yeah, but suppose it were?

Uh, well, uh, to learn the niceties,

uh, to become comfortable with them,

uh, to develop the confidence.

But surely, you will not be here very long

now that you have found a way out.

Oh, yeah.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight, general.

Why don't you make that Harry?

Harry.

Yeah, Francesca.

- Harry? - What? What?

First lesson.

A general leaving a contessa's bedroom late at night

usually kisses her hand.

Yeah. Well, I'll practice up on that.

On whom? General Pennypacker?

That wasn't very good, was it?

Confidence, Harry. It comes with confidence.

Goodnight, honey.

Good morning, fellas.

- Good morning. - Oh, no, that's alright.

As you were. There's no sense standing and all this formality.

Oh, did I sleep like a log. What a bed.

Did you ever see such a morning?

- No, sir. - Sir?

Oh, come on, Roscoe. It's Harry, you remember?

I thought we settled all that yesterday.

Harry.

Well, uh, Harry, the report's all ready.

Yes. We haven't slept a wink all night.

Oh, that's too bad. Listen, next time that happens,

try a little warm milk laced with gin.

Here you are. The position and the schedule of the guards.

We're all set to go as soon as you give the word, Harry.

Well, that looks fine, Bull. That looks just fine.

Well, how about it, Harry?

Have you figured out how we're going to do it?

Do what?

Well, the escape, of course.

Oh, well, look, fellas, uh,

you know, you can't expect me to bust out of this place

overnight. A thing like that can take time.

Yeah, but you really don't think it's gonna take

much longer now, do you, Harry?

Roscoe, I know you're getting itchy.

I'm just as itchy as you are.

But you fellas just aren't ready yet.

Oh? Why not?

Well, for instance, that extra gut you're carting around.

Well, there's nothing wrong with my gut.

Well, yeah, I know, Bull,

but what about your four flabby friends here?

Flabby?

By the numbers, one, two, one, two, one, two.

Keep the back nice and straight.

One, two, one, two, one, two. Up, down.

One, two, one, two, one, two.

Keep the back nice and straight.

One, two, one, two. Up, down. Up, down.

Asparagus, Excellency, as you requested, eh?

Uh, thanks.

I have prepared the table as you instructed.

Yeah, it looks nice.

Are you, uh, expecting company, Excellency?

No, I just don't like to see an empty table.

Excellency, if you need anything, you know,

American cigarette, cornflakes.

- No, thank you. - Ritz Crackers.

I'll think about it.

I got the Kleenex,

Gillette blades, Jell-O.

I will, I'll let you know.

- Hershey bars. - I will, I will.

- Grazie. Buon appetito. - Yeah.

Now that you bring it up, contessa,

we do have this quaint little bistro in New Jersey.

Uh, serves excellent asparagus.

Not as tasty as yours, uh, Colonel Ferrucci, but...

Ah, thank you, general. I'm honored that it pleases you.

You see what I have found in the cellar?

The last bottle of Chateau de Latour, 1932.

Would you care to have it with your lunch?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

But this is Chateau de Latour, 1932.

- So? - Yes.

So, general.

It's so gentle, it is so, come posso dire,

so, so fragile, so, so considerate.

- Well, I... - I insist that you taste it.

Well, if it's your last bottle...

Oh, general, what is wine for

if it is not to be tasted, eh?

And then if you don't like it, I can find

something to do with it.

Hmm? Huh?

Ah, that is, uh, kind of, uh, fragile and considerate.

Ah, yes, yes.

Chateau Latour, 1932. Chateau Lafite, 1937,

Chateau Mouton Rothschild, we'll give that a 1929.

Uh-huh. Not bad, not bad at all.

Now then.

John Donne, "Break Of Day."

"Tis true, 'tis day.

"What though it be?

"Oh, wilt thou therefore rise from me?

"Why should we rise because 'tis light?

Did we lie down because 'twas night?"

Ah, yeah?

Harry boy? Don't get up.

Oh, hi, fellas. Well, what's on your mind?

Well, I've got the men pretty much snapped into shape, Harry.

I've even got Francis here doing 30 sit-ups.

Hey, that's great, Francis.

Not at one sitting, of course.

There's such a thing as being overtrained, too, you know.

It's been two ruddy weeks, Harry.

Two weeks?

On, no, three, four days.

Two weeks, Harry. Two horrible weeks.

We think we're ready, Harry.

- Ready for what? - The escape.

Assuming, of course, that you found the way out.

Have you, Harry boy? Have you found it?

Well, Bull, fellas, you know,

this is no chicken wire compound.

This is a bloody fortress.

Oh, I was thinking, Harry,

perhaps somewhere in the villa, there is a secret passage?

- Uh, what, what? - A secret passage.

You know, the Italian nobility was very fond of such things.

For romantic reasons.

That's a good thought, um, Andre.

I'll... I'll look into it.

We could all look into it, Harry.

That way, it shouldn't take too long.

No, no, that's my job.

Uh, you know, that's why they sent me.

Besides, you know, there's other work for you guys to do.

Oh, not more exercise, I hope.

I believe I'm becoming muscle-bound.

I really think we're as ready as we'll ever be, Harry.

Oh, you do, huh?

Adrian, what, uh, country are we in?

Italy, isn't it?

And what language do they speak in Italy?

Italian lessons?

That's right. Starting tomorrow.

For the receiving of the English lessons,

I... I wish to express the kindness of my entire face.

Oh, don't mention it, Carlo. The pleasure is ours.

Shoot him another one, Francis.

Right-.

Now border guard.

Um, bor...

No, border guard.

Uh, w... which is to explain?

Ah, border guard, you know, one of those chaps

who takes your passport

and mucks up your baggage, you know.

Oh, in Italian, it's, um...

- Ah, guardia di frontiera. Si. - What was that?

- Ah, guardia di frontiera. - Guardia di frontiera.

- Border guard. - Bang on, lieutenant.

You're making real progress.

Now let's get on to the next one.

"Which way to Switzerland, please?"

Um...

Four weeks, Captain Stanley.

Do you realize he's been gone four weeks?

Not a word, not a sign of him and...

you just stand there.

By God, it only takes him 20 minutes

to escape from our jails, but those Italian...

Take a note, captain. I want a study made.

A survey, immediately.

Whatever the ltalians do to their jails,

I want the same thing done to ours.

Well, if you'll remember, sir,

I... I told you that something was...

Don't be an I-told-you-so, Sidney.

- Yes, sir, but I did tell... - Nobody likes an I-told-you-so.

Yes, sir.

Besides, it's probably

not even his fault.

No, no, I wouldn't be surprised

if those five goldbricking brigadiers

were holding him back.

Yes, sir.

"Thus have I politically begun my reign

"and 'tis my hope to end successfully.

"My falcon now is sharp and passing empty.

"Until she stoop, she must not be full-gorged

“for then she never looks upon her lure.

- "Another way..." - Psst.

"Another way I have to man my haggard..."

Psst.

Ciao.

"To make her come and know her keepers call.

- "That is to watch her.” - Come on.

"As we watched these kites that bait and beat

"that will not be obedient.

"Last night she slept not. Tonight she shall not.

"As with the meat some undeserved fault

I'll find about the making of the bed."

Uh, yeah?

We wanna talk to you, Harry.

- So what's the problem? - It's been five weeks, Harry.

Five horrible weeks.

Why is everybody throwing the calendar at me? I can count.

So can we, Harry. And in Italian now.

We want to escape before we forget it.

Fellas, when the, uh, supreme commander

entrusted this mission to me...

- Cut the baloney, Harry boy. - Ooh.

- Are we going or aren't we? - Oh, yeah. We're going.

Would you mind awfully telling us when?

Well, Harry, have you found the way out or haven't you?

Yeah, I found it. I was saving it for a surprise.

- But you guys spoiled it. - At last.

Great going, Harry.

We can go tonight then, huh?

Have we given any thought as to which way we should go?

The best route, I mean?

As our chaps landed in the south yesterday,

why don't we head in that direction?

And pass through the entire German army? No, thanks.

We could make our way to the coast.

And do what? Swim?

Well, that would seem to leave Switzerland.

That's right. We head north.

Well, how do we move? Not on foot.

I was thinking about a train

to Como or Stresa if we're lucky.

Alright, then all those in favor of taking the train north,

raise your hands.

Opposed?

The plan carried.

That settles it then. We leave tonight.

- Fellas. - What do you say, Harry?

- Will it be tonight, Harry? - I'm afraid not.

Oh, for God's sake, Harry, what do we need now?

Well, like, for instance, Roscoe...

- Where is the train station? - Huh?

Andre, that train that you're, uh, talking about,

does it run every day?

I can only suppose.

Bull, what time does it leave?

Probably, um...

Francis, do we take it direct

or do we have to transfer?

But how on earth would I know?

Adrian?

It's no use asking all these questions, Harry.

We don't have a train schedule.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I think I see what he means.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You might try knocking the next time.

Yeah, look, if you want to, uh,

I can always wait here in the fireplace.

It's alright.

Have you got a train schedule?

For your escape, you mean?

No. Just a little light reading.

I told you, Harry, I'm neutral.

I will not help you escape.

Does that mean you want me to stay?

No.

Mm.

Whoa, no.

Harry!

There is a rail station in the village.

If you think my husband's clothes will fit.

- Buongiorno, contessa. - Buongiorno.

Uh, do you think it would violate your neutrality

to tell me, uh, how to say

schedule for northbound trains in Italian, please?

Oh, come on, come on.

L'orario ferroviario per favore.

Thanks.

Slowly.

- L'orario. - L'orario.

- Ferroviario. - Ferroviario.

- Per favore. - Per favore.

- Mm-hm. - It's a cinch.

Uh...

I thought you weren't gonna help.

So did I.

Uh, we don't have to go right back, do we?

It's kind of nice. Uh, couldn't we just take a walk?

Alright. Do you think it's safe?

Sure, so... so long as I am with you, what?

It's strange how during war, all the young people disappear.

Hmm.

You seem kind of quiet. What's the matter?

- Nothing. - No, look.

If something's wrong, spill it.

What are you going to do, Harry?

Which is to mean when am I leaving?

I don't know. Pretty soon, I guess.

I used to think we were very much alike, Harry,

because we both accepted a rank we hadn't earned.

But there is still one big difference between us.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

You wanted the rank without the responsibility

and such a thing does not exist.

What do you mean? I'm a pretty good general.

You are not a general, Harry.

You seem 10 enjoy living like one.

And you will never be a general

until the day you accept the responsibility.

When will that day be, Harry?

Well.

Let's see, this is September.

Uh, October, to get the plan down good.

Uh, November, just to be on the safe side.

Then maybe we could...

How about tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Really tomorrow?

Yeah, really tomorrow.

So I was, uh, workin' in this paint store in Caldwell.

I'd saved up enough money to go to college,

but I went down to the bank to get the money out,

the bank had been turned into a garage.

It happened in Italy too.

Yeah, then I, uh, I set pins in a bowling alley.

I sold vacuum cleaners from door to door.

I went to school nights and finally,

I got this job workin' for this radio station.

And just as things were really beginnin' to go well,

they did it to me again.

- Did what? - What? They pulled the rug out.

They got this lottery started called the draft.

You know, I never won anything in my whole life.

But I sure hit the jackpot with that one.

The war will not last forever.

Oh, yeah, but by the time I get back,

the guys with the flatfeet and the busted eardrums,

they'll have everything sewed up.

Once they find out that they can do it to you,

they keep on doing it to you.

Who is doing it to you, Harry? Who's they?

What do you mean? The guys that get up to the top,

they pull the ladder up after 'em.

Why are you so angry?

You are strong, you are healthy and you're alive.

This is a rare thing today.

You haven't had bad luck, Harry.

You're one of the most fortunate people I know.

Tomorrow?

- Tomorrow? - You mean tomorrow, tomorrow?

You might have told us it would be tomorrow, Harry.

- I just did. - Oh, yes, but...

Well, unless you wanna start counting tomorrow

from sometime next week.

- No, no. - No, tomorrow's fine.

- Alright, got it. - At last.

Okay.

There's a train leaving here just after midnight.

It arrives in Cremona at 3:16.

- Cremona. - Cremona, yeah.

And we transfer to another train leaving at 3:24

which arrives at Stresa...

That's Stresa, Harry.

Yeah, Stresa on the... You say it.

- Iago Maggiore. - At 5:16.

So we hold up until dark, then we cross the lake

into Switzerland.

- Ah, - Any questions?

- No, no. - No.

Alright, we rendezvous in my room

tomorrow night at 10 o'clock.

2200 hours, Harry.

Yeah, 10 o'clock is close enough.

Gentlemen, I have wonderful news for you.

Oh, my God, you don't mean the war's over?

No, no, it's... it's not any of that. No, no.

I have been promoted.

I am now a general also.

Wow! Congratulations.

Oh, that's wonderful!

And to think that I have all of you to thank for it.

- All of us? - Yes.

This post has the lowest escape record

of any camp in all Italy.

Well, I'm glad we've accomplished something

while we've been here.

Of course, my promotion will not be official

until the day after tomorrow at midnight.

Now to celebrate this occasion,

I have thought of arranging a little, uh, party, you know.

Oh, I think we've got plans to be out that night.

Ah, you are making a joke, huh?

- Yeah. - But I am serious, huh?

I promise you, you are going to have

a wonderful evening Wednesday.

- But then at midnight... - Generale Ferrucci.

It must for to present us the spectacular moment

of proudness and, and much inflation

of normal personality too.

Rossano, thank you, eh?

Can you imagine when I return to the hotel in Genoa, huh?

Can you imagine?

Of course, I will continue to have myself

called general, you know.

My mother. La Santa Vecchia.

Oh, my mother, she will be so proud of me.

You must excuse me.

I'm going to go to prepare for the party, eh?

Oh, Harry, thank you.

Thank you very much.

- I'm pleased. - That's very kind.

- Congratulations. - General.

Grazie.

My very dear friends.

There is a train...

that goes directly to Stresa day after tomorrow.

Of course, you do realize the minute we have gone,

they'll take his promotion away again.

Yeah, but at least he would have made general

once in his life.

And let me tell you, that can be a hell of a lot.

All those in favor of waiting one more day, raise your hands.

Plan carries.

What are you doing here?

I'm leaving in the morning.

I thought it best if I were gone when you escaped.

Considering you'd be using my room tomorrow.

Tomorrow, uh, yeah, listen.

Don't worry. I know you are staying.

Well, it's only one more day. We couldn't do that to Ferrucci.

I knew you could not resist playing general

at one last formal party.

I'm gonna be great.

A little Chateau Latour, 1932.

I'm sorry you're not gonna be there.

Yes, so am I.

That's why I came to say goodbye.

- You didn't tell me. - What?

Where the passage came out.

Oh. You noticed, huh?

Well, it does do away with a lot of small talk.

I can see why it would.

You wanna see what else it can do?

Isn't that amazing?

Ah, yeah, it's, uh, incredible.

How did you ever manage...

to find it?

I'm an expert.

Oh, yes, I see.

Francesca?

- Yes, Harry. - Tell me how to say goodbye.

Certainly you've said it before.

Yeah, but never to a countess.

I mean, there must be some...

civilized and elegant way 10 say goodbye to a countess.

There is.

And believe me, Harry,

there is nothing on earth

more civilized or more elegant.

That was an impeccable dinner tonight, Enrico.

I, uh, don't ever remember

having partridge that well-prepared.

Thank you, Harry.

I cannot deny that I made a special effort tonight.

I might question your choice of the wine, however.

Uh, that was a Pommard, wasn't it?

Exactly.

Yeah, I think we would have been more comfortable

with a Bordeaux. I think a Bordeaux, uh,

would have been a trifle less insolent.

Yes, perhaps you are right, yes.

Signore generale. Signore generale.

Rossano, I'm still a colonel until midnight at least.

Si, signore colonnello.

Forgive the intrusion.

I was passing when I saw the light and heard the music.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

- Major Von Steignitz. - Ferrucci.

The reverence of my sentimentality

is for to be rarely forgotten.

When the consequence of advantage

floods your consequence with a progression...

I didn't realize that you had

such distinguished guests, colonel.

My prisoners, uh, major.

May I present you Generals, uh, Frigg, Armstrong

Cox-Roberts, Rochambeau, Mayhew and, uh, Pennypacker.

Pleasure, gentlemen.

Uh, won't you join us, uh, major?

I was under the impression that I already had, colonel.

Uh, yes. Yes, of course.

Are you enjoying...

Italy, general?

Yeah. And you?

Of course. It's a country created for foreigners.

In fact, I sometimes think it's...

it's a pity to waste it on the Italians.

The Germans seem to feel that way about

quite a few countries nowadays, don't they?

I'm not sure that I appreciate their music, however.

I mean, Vivaldi has his place, I suppose,

but Bach did this sort of thing so much better.

Uh, colonel, aren't your musicians up to playing Bach?

Well, it's just...

Oh, but if you prefer it.

Oh, wait a minute. Major, the colonel likes Vivaldi

and after all, we are both guests here.

Perhaps someday you will do me

the honor of being my guests, hm?

If that day ever comes, you might force me to do something

that I would really regret.

And what would that be, general?

Listen to Bach.

That's excellent. Excellent.

The moment has arrived.

The glorious moment.

Rossano, you may do the honors. Pozzallo, you may assist.

- Congratulations. - Congratulations, general.

- Congratulations, Enrico. - Thank you very much.

Pozzallo.

- Signore generale. - Good show, Enrico.

You see, I have just been promoted, major.

As of this moment, I am now a general.

That is the reason for this little celebration.

Oh. Congratulations, general.

Uh, champagne, we must have champagne.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, General Ferrucci is not the only one

who has been waiting for midnight.

Herr Gruber.

Essh.

"At the hour of midnight

"on the day of Wednesday, September 8, 1943,

"the military forces of Italy

"announce their unconditional surrender to the enemy armies

of the Western alliance.”

Surrender?

But I, I've just have been made the general.

"It has therefore been ordered that all territories

"formerly under Italian authority will now be considered

under the jurisdiction of the Fuhrer and the Third Reich."

Gentlemen, you are now my prisoners

and you will prepare to move out immediately.

General Ferrucci, you will surrender all weapons

and stand with the others.

General Frigg, it seems you will be listening to Bach

much sooner than you imagined.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I apologize for the uncomfortable journey.

You will be given the rest of today and tonight

to recover your

how shall I say it, your sense of humor

before the main business begins.

What business is that, major?

Oh, uh, this camp is not your permanent place

of detention, general.

This is a German interrogation center in Northern Italy

for enemy officers above the rank of captain.

How long do we have to stay here?

Mm, for as long as it's necessary.

The last group, uh, we entertained

proved most cooperative

and they were sent along after quite a short time.

Of course, even the short time here sometimes seems quite long.

But that, uh, that will be up to you, won't it?

Now look here, Major Steignitz...

- Von Steignitz, please. - Von Steignitz.

May I respectfully remind you

of the Geneva Convention on prisoners of war

signed by your country, 27 July, 19297

Uh, Geneva Convention?

Title I, Article 5.

No coercion of any sort shall be inflicted

in securing any information.

You appear to be quite conversant

on the subject, general. May I see that, please?

Certainly, major.

I can't imagine

what you might have heard about us, gentlemen.

Undoubtedly that we all are Nazis.

But let me assure you

that nothing could be further from the truth.

In strictest fact, there are very few Nazis.

Most ordinary men, doing their duty for their country

just as you gentlemen are doing.

And now, um, that we have cleared that up,

let me assure you of something else.

It just so happens that I am a Nazi.

I've always been a Nazi and I will always be a Nazi.

Therefore, concerning your, uh, Geneva Convention?

And now let me tell you about our convention

governing prisoners of war.

Article 1, anyone disobeying an order,

any order, will be shot immediately.

Article 2...

Oh, uh, I think there is no Article 2.

Article 1 seems to cover everything.

And, uh, now the question of escape.

Will you please follow me, gentlemen?

That was an order, gentlemen. Don't forget Article 1.

I direct your attention to the guards.

They've been carefully selected.

If he had missed, he would have been sent to Russia.

You will be kept under constant surveillance during the day

and be subject to a complete inspection

every 15 minutes at night.

Oh, in addition,

those men you see up there in those towers,

their machine guns and searchlights command

every square meter of this enclosure.

Uh, the fence is constructed of barbed wire,

but such a safeguard is really not necessary.

The power is kept on 24 hours a day

and I alone control it.

Oh, gentlemen,

if you attempt to tunnel your way out,

you should know that a generous supply of landmines

has been planted at various depths beneath the fence.

Of course, we cannot stop you from digging

if your fingernails are strong.

But if the interrogation proceeds slowly,

you may not even have those.

That does it. I gotta get out of here.

Harry.

Nah, this wasn't part of the deal.

- I don't belong here. - Oh. How's that, general?

- Harry, will you calm down? - Calm down?

Oh, sure. See, that's easy for you to say.

Tomorrow they're gonna start, you know, with, uh,

with razors and whips and the cigarettes between the toes.

And, uh, if you break down, you got somethin' to tell 'em.

But what about me? I don't know anything!

I'm not a general. I'm not even an officer.

I'm nothing but a lousy buck private.

Perhaps you had better explain yourself, general.

I'm a buck private. Not even First Class.

And they sent me to... to help these guys get out of here

'cause I was always busting stockade, but this.

Well, for...

Fellas, I give back bein' a general. Hm?

- Meet Private Frigg. - Pull yourself together, man.

If that can be verified, you will be transferred

to a camp for enlisted men immediately.

Well, it sure as hell can.

Call Ike. He'll tell ya.

I'm sorry, fellas, but I just didn't bargain

for anything like this.

Gentlemen, unless there are any more confessions,

Lieutenant Gruber will now show you to your quarters.

It will shortly be time for your breakfast.

Oh, um, eat it slowly.

We do not serve either lunch or dinner.

Oh.

He stole my watch.

Francis, did you get that exact time?

Yeah, 9 minutes and 40 seconds since the last inspection.

That's what I was afraid of. It's not every 15 minutes

exactly. It's whenever they feel like it.

Every army is the same, mon vieux, even the Boche.

That doesn't make it any easier for us.

We've gotta find some way out of here and tonight.

I wonder what Harry would have done.

I suggest you forget about Harry.

Poor man simply wasn't an officer.

- You knew it all along, right? - Of course not.

But in the end, it was bound to tell.

You must admit, there was something

extraordinary about him.

Yeah. For an enlisted man, he had all of us generals

hopping around pretty good.

Don't you think those stars on his shoulder

had something to do with it, old man?

I don't know. I've never gotten mine to work that well.

We don't have much time. Any suggestions?

Well, I'd say a tunnel is definitely out.

After all, landmines are a bit much.

Well, that seems to leave the fence.

We could probably lift it high enough

to wiggle under it if it weren't hot.

But it is hot.

So I suggest we investigate

the possibilities of a short circuit.

No. The... the problem is to find the main power supply.

It cannot be very far.

Calls for a diversionary action.

Something to draw the fire here at Point Charlie

until the juice goes off.

Those of us who can still travel

will hit the fence here in Easy Sector.

What would you estimate the casualties?

We'd better count on, uh, 25%.

Oh, yes, at least.

What are you saying?

Twenty five percent is not just a... just a number.

It is us. One and a half of us.

But no one is forcing you to go, general.

If it's the fraction that's bothering you,

perhaps you'd better stay.

Might I remind you, general,

that if it hadn't been for your promotion,

none of this would've happened.

- Yes. - Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Please don't blame it on me, no.

Because if you had escaped when you should have,

I would not have been made a general

and I would not be here now.

- Ah, basta! - Charming.

Gentlemen, please!

Now all those agreeing to try the fence, raise your hands.

Enrico, you're entitled to vote now.

Alright, the plan carries.

Where do you think you're going?

To find the main power source.

Well, somebody has to.

Look, Newton, please, I will go.

- No, no. - I will volunteer. I go...

- No, please. I insist... - I'd better do it. Maybe...

Be careful, eh? Buona fortuna.

- Grazie. - Prego.

- Wait until the light goes by. - Right.

It's suicide, I tell you. Suicide.

What do you suggest? Waiting a few years 'til the war's over?

Well, perhaps the Germans will surrender

then the Japanese will get us.

Shh. Someone's coming. Into bed, quick.

Yes, but Armstrong's bed is empty.

Well, maybe they won't notice. Get into...

- Do you mind... - Bed.

Thank you.

Somebody is playing hooky around this place.

- Hi, guys. - Harry.

Shh. Shh!

But... but, uh, how did you...

Well, it is tough getting out, but it's a snap

getting back in 'cause they're not set up for it.

Especially when you're dressed for the occasion.

How do you like it, huh? Hm?

Notice the, uh, insolent slope to the shoulder.

Well, what's the matter?

Didn't you guys think I was comin' back?

Tsk. Where's Bull?

He's out lookin' for the power plant.

Oh, what is he doin'? Playing commando again?

He'd better get his butt back in here

or he's gonna muck up the plan.

Have you something specific in mind, Harry?

Yeah, if you're willing to take orders from a private.

I don't care if you're a civilian.

Well, what about the rest of you guys?

We'll do whatever you say, Harry.

- Good. - Someone's coming.

It's alright. It's me.

What about the generator?

I found it. It's in back of the latrine.

Yes, it would be.

- Hi, Bull. - Hi, Harry.

Harry! What the hell? How did you get back here?

Oh, later, later. We haven't got enough time.

What are you doing?

Here, help me out of this, will you?

Put this under your mattress.

Now, Harry, if you were planning to come back,

why did you go in the first place?

Well, because they had us pinned down here.

They were watchin' seven guys, right?

Except I made it six. Now it's seven again,

so we got an extra pair of hands.

- What do you want us to do? - Nothing. Just relax.

So long as they can count six bodies in here,

why, uh, they won't be expecting anything and I can move around.

Oh.

I say, that sounds rather promising.

Don't go away.

An odd sort of chap.

- Who wears a fat size? - I'm afraid I do.

Where do you keep getting those?

You mean, you're pinching one of those for each of us?

Yeah.

Not too tight in the collar for me,

if you don't mind. I chafe.

- Yeah, well, you would. - The guard.

- Hey! - It's time for another check.

Good Lord, we're one too many.

This is yours, Harry. We've all got one.

Oh, yeah? I guess I lost count. Boy, am I bushed?

- Well, what next, Harry? - The generator.

- They keep it guarded. - Oh, yeah? How many?

Just one, but the door's locked.

We'll wait 'til he goes to sleep.

- Who? - Steignitz. He's got the key.

But how are you going to do that?

Harry?

I don't believe it.

The man's asleep.

Ecco, it is out.

Harry, it is out.

Huh?

Oh, boy, so was I.

Alright, you guys know what to do, huh?

You wait for the next check, then get into the monkey suits

and hold tight.

You know, when the, uh, juice goes,

this place is really gonna come alive.

They're gonna come in here first, so that means

you gotta go out on the double.

Bull, here are the wire clips.

- Where'd you get these? - The PX.

You know, they got everything in there.

They got Gillette blades, Ritz Crackers,

Wiener Schnitzel. Where was 1?

- The fence. - Oh, yeah. The fence. Okay.

You guys know the spot we picked, right?

When the lights go, you go to that.

And after that, no changes in plans. Okay?

Whatever you say, general.

Did you say general?

Yes, sir. And thank you, sir.

Yeah, it kind of grows on you.

Major Von Steignitz.

Hello?

Gruber.

Gruber.

Gut morgen.

Gruber!

Uh, um...

Ow.

- Karl? - Ah, yeah.

Oh, a nice try.

But you must have known it couldn't succeed.

And my men will have found your comrades

by the time we get back.

You wanna bet?

Great going, Harry boy. It worked.

- Like a charm. - You are a genius, Harry.

A genius.

Oh, uh, which... which is it really?

- General or private? - Little bit of both.

What are we gonna do with him, Harry?

Well, if we run into trouble, we might need him.

Let's Kill him and take our chances.

What do you guys say?

I can't say I care one way or the other.

What do you say, Harry?

Well, a dead Nazi. I must say, it is tempting.

The plan carries.

Nazi? Who... who is a Nazi?

I... I'm not... I'm not a Nazi.

It just so happens that I'm Swiss.

I've always been Swiss and I will always be Swiss.

When are you going to ask, Harry?

Hm? Ask what? What?

Why I had you assigned to my command.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, I figured it was something

that was just so filthy rotten

that I wasn't that anxious to find out.

Harry.

Actually, it isn't anything I can order you to do.

Those are the worst kind.

But it just so happens we're establishing a network

of Armed Forces radio stations all over Europe

and I noted that in your dossier

that you'd done that type of work stateside.

So I thought you might be interested

in setting one up here in Northern Italy.

- You're kidding! - I'm not kidding.

That's why we're here. To scout around for location.

- What's the catch? - No catch. That's it.

I don't think that's anything

that a sergeant could really, uh, handle.

Shall we say second lieutenant?

What about it, Harry?

Do you want to accept the assignment?

Oh, for goodness sake, Homer, I mean, what are friends for?

Hey, fellas, whoa. That's where we were.

Hey, Homer, have I got time to go in for a minute?

Yes. I guess we've got a few minutes.

Go ahead.

Hey, contessa?

Contessa.

Hey, contessal!

- Hi, countess. - General.

Not exactly.

But it's gonna be second looey in a couple of weeks.

What happened? I mean, everything's all boarded up

and all this stuff?

These are very difficult times.

Oh, yeah.

You were kind to send word that you were safe.

Are the others alright? Do you see them?

Oh, uh, yeah.

They're still generals, of course.

Of course.

Oh.

Oh, Harry, Harry. I was so afraid.

- Me too. - That everything would be...

I thought, you know, if I wasn't a general...

That... that all of this would be too...

- Can you stay? - Well, just for a minute.

See, we're setting up this radio station...

and we're lookin' for this place...

Hey, Homer! Homer!

Yes?

I just figured out where we'll put it!

Wait a minute, I'll be right down.

Fine, Harry.

He just figured out where we'll put it.

Oh, we'll have this place put together in no time.

We'll charge 'em rent. Double rent.

Well, you're gonna have to move out of the big house again.

Well, with all those guys hangin' around,

it wouldn't have been too much fun, anyway.

We can move into the gatehouse. It's very cozy there.

Yeah. Oh, that reminds me.

First thing, I'm gonna seal off that fireplace.

Huh? Oh, yes. No more surprises.

I know it's gonna be kind of a letdown

being married to a second looey, but...

Oh, I won't be able to show my face.

It won't be too long before I get those stars back.

Ooh, we gotta get the paintings hung back up again.

That Tintoretto that you had in the hallway,

that really knocked me out.

General, I would like to present

the Contessa Francesca Maria.

Eugenia Donatello di Montefiore Frigg.

Yes. Allow me, contessa.

- Thank you. - There you go.