Original subtitles

- As an artist, you're always chasing your heroes.

I remember what it was like watching

"Bring the--fuckin'--Pain,"

and now I got a special,

and there's an eight-year-old watching that special,

and it ain't "Bring the Pain," you know?

That's the worst feeling in the world, man.

So that's in your brain as an artist all the time.

All you think about is how much better your heroes have been.

[church bell rings]

[voice singing chant]

♪ ♪

Bless me Father, I have sinned.

- When was your last confession?

- Um...never.

I'm not really Catholic, per se.

Just always wanted to try this.

- Well, that's okay.

All are welcome in the house of God.

- This is dope.

How come Catholic churches are so nice?

I've never seen, like, a poor Catholic church.

- Thank you.

Well, it is the Lord's house, so you want it to look nice.

- You know, my mother's always trying to get me to go

to her church, but it is not nice like this.

This is ni-- you guys got privacy.

- I'm so happy to have brother Michael

testifying for us today.

I want you all to lift him up in prayer.

[indistinct voices] - Yeah, thanks, y'all.

The brother is going through a whole lot of stress

right now.

He's doing a stand-up special

at Madison Square Garden real soon.

There are plenty of tickets left.

- There's a couple tickets left.

- I guess his little show ain't really hitting on HBO.

- I wouldn't say a little show.

It's a regular size show.

- Oh, forgive me.

I meant to say HBO Max,

not the real one.

- It's the same-- - Nah, it ain't.

We all have normal HBO, amen?

all: Amen!

- Now, I want y'all to support this brother

and his little show.

I've seen it.

It's not for me.

I miss "Chappelle's Show."

Or "Martin." [laughs]

Or, remember "In Living Color"?

Can I get an amen?

all: Amen!

- Yeah, they're all great shows.

It's just, there's room for everybody.

- Those brothers had characters.

- I do a different thing.

- I get what you're trying to do.

I like "Atlanta."

I love "Fleabag."

- "Fleabag"?

- But the writing was so strong on those shows.

- Great, you know, I'm gonna take my seat right now.

- His girlfriend left him, you know,

so he's drinking alcohol a lot more now.

- Why are you yelling? My mother's--

- No, don't be ashamed, brother.

A lot of people in your family have problems with alcohol.

all: Mm-hmm.

- He told me he can't perform in the bedroom

because of his anxiety.

- Well, everybody has anxiety--

- So he picks a fight, so he can sleep alone

and save himself the embarrassment.

Mm, my Lord! Isn't that sad, y'all?

- I never told you that, man.

- You didn't have to, brother.

God told me.

[RZA's "You Can't Stop Me Now" playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ No matter how hard you try ♪

♪ You can't stop me now ♪

[laughter]

- Yo, when you taping your special?

- Next week, man.

I can't believe I'm taping at Madison Square Garden.

- For sure. - Yeah.

- Honestly, I can't believe you're taping there either.

- Well, it's almost sold out, so...

- Word? How?

- Whatchu mean how? I got my own show on HBO!

- HBO Max. - It's the same shit, man.

- Well, all I'm saying, I'm a little surprised.

That's a lot of tickets to push, bro.

- Yo, you should do Rogan and promote it on air.

- Yeah, yeah, you should. - A podcast?

You want me to promote it on a podcast?

I'm on TV every week.

- Yeah, but niggas don't really watch TV like that.

- There's no more good shows either.

Yo, yo, yo, yo! You know what I miss?

- What's that? - "Fleabag."

Remember that show? - With the white girl?

- [both] "'Ello, love."

- Ahh! Nigga, shut up.

- Nobody talk about you, man.

Nobody talks about you on TV.

- Nobody be talking 'bout you, Che.

- So what's troubling you, son?

- Everything, son. I don't know where to start.

- Well, why don't we start with today?

- Well, today, honestly, I'm a little hungover.

Was drinking last night.

And a couple nights before that.

Kind of like a shopaholic but with alcohol.

That's a little jokey-poo I like to tell.

- No, I got it. - Oh, okay.

Anyway.

I went out with some friends. We went to this party, right?

- Man, this shit look bougie as hell.

- I ain't waiting in this long ass line.

I'm telling you that now.

- Just tell him you on TV. We'll get right in.

- I don't do that shit, man. Let's go somewhere else.

- Why not? This shit is lit.

- Kinda lit though.

- Just go up there, and tell him you was

on "Saturday Night Live," and they let you right in.

- What do you mean "was"? I'm still on the show, nigga.

- Nigga, that shit ain't gon' work.

Damn door girl's Black.

- Oh, yeah, we definitely not getting in.

- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

- Come on, man, you know Black people

don't watch "Saturday Night Live."

- Exactly. - Yes, they do!

Everybody watch "Saturday Night Live."

- Not Black people. - When Migos' on.

All right, I got an idea.

Let's just go to the white bar around the corner.

- Oh, we definitely getting in there.

- Yeah, we are. - Ey man, wait, hold on!

I'm a goddamn TV star!

- Okay. - There you go!

- We gonna get in this Black ass club.

They gonna know who I am. - Manifest, king!

- Watch this. - Go ahead, boy!

- Wipe your nose!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Hey.

Can I go in?

- You don't see the line, nigga?

Yeah, look, I don't like doing this,

but my name's Michael Che, I'm on this show called "Sat--"

- I know. - Oh, you do know who I am?

- And?

- And that's the line. - Yep.

And it wraps around the block, too.

♪ ♪

- Okay.

- What happened, star? - Huh?

Uh, I think that's, like, a gay club.

- Oh, oh, word? Oh, oh, word.

- Let's go to that other spot you was talking 'bout.

You said there's another place. - What, the white club?

That what you want to go to, right?

- Whatever the color is, man. People is people, man.

Why you always got to make shit about race?

- All right, nigga. Just do a fucking podcast, bro.

- I don't think she had to be such a jerk about it.

It's not even her club. She just worked the door.

It was like she took pleasure in shutting me down.

Hello! - I'm still here, son.

- All right, son, then say something.

- It's confession. I was letting you confess.

- Okay, but you could at least ask me some follow-up questions

or something.

Be engaged, man. I'm pouring my heart out here.

- Fine. How did that make you feel?

- It made me feel like my story was boring you.

- No, I meant when the door girl

wouldn't let you in the party. - Oh, honestly?

Felt like punching her right in the top of her head,

right in the soft spot.

- That's terrible.

- I said "felt like," okay?

Obviously, I wouldn't hit a girl.

I don't want to get canceled by the Liberal media.

Hey, do priests ever have to worry about getting canceled?

- No, they just transfer us to another parish.

- [laughs] That's a good one.

- It was right there. I had to.

- Yeah, no, I'ma take that one.

Man, being a priest must be hard.

You gotta be nice to everybody.

Don't you ever want to just slap the shit out of somebody?

- Well, we all feel frustration and anger,

if that's what you're asking.

- No, no, no, that's not what I'm asking.

I mean, do you ever want to sock a lady

because she made you feel small in front of your friends?

- Miss, I am not trying to argue with you.

- Just ring up my shit.

- The sign says ten items or less.

You have like 30 items here.

- Fuck you! - Ooh!

- Has this ever happened to you?

Crazy lady rocks your shit in public,

and you can't do anything about it?

- I'm calling the cops.

- Wow, you really gonna call the police on a lady, dog?

- You snitch ass nigga.

- Fuck 12. - Oh!

You guys are gonna take her side?

- Ring my shit up, bitch.

- Yeah, you heard her. Ring that shit up!

- There's got to be a better way.

- Now there is, with the all new HomeGrrl app.

The HomeGrrl app lets you order a homegirl

to fight for you when your hands are tied.

- You piece of shit! You want some more?

- HomeGrrl for Shawn?

- Yeah, that's me. Could you hit her?

- Yeah.

- Wait, I could just go to another register!

- Oh, it's too late for that now, bitch.

[upbeat music]

- Thanks, home girl!

- Please rate me five stars.

Come on! [brakes squeal]

- I can't believe you hit my car, you dumbass nigga!

- What the--

- Yeah, that's what the fuck you get!

- Just one second. - Oh, my--what?

- One second, calm down. Calm down.

- These fucking white people-- the fuck is wrong with you?

- Who ordered the HomeGrrl Black?

- Oh, right here. - HomeGrrl Black?

- Want some gum or water? - No.

- All right, I should be done beating her ass

in about four minutes.

- Oh, oh, shit!

- Thanks, Coco!

[upbeat music]

Thank you, HomeGrrl.

- Every good family has one girl that can fight.

That's your job, that one hockey goon.

Some girl bully you?

You go call Keisha,

and she's already putting up hair in a ponytail,

out the car.

And if she wasn't in your family,

you call your home girl.

You need a home girl.

- Son, were you drinking before you came here?

- Uh, if you mean, like, water or orange juice, yes.

- I mean alcohol.

- You mean, like, a couple beers for my hangover,

so that I could feel better, uh, sure, I guess.

- It's 10:00 a.m.

- Okay, it's noon somewhere.

Where you going with all these questions, Father?

- Forget I brought it up. - Thank you.

- Son, you come to confession, and you're not Catholic.

Clearly, something's weighing heavy on your heart.

Just tell me what it is. What brought you down here?

- I don't know, son.

I just feel like I'm wasting my career.

I just want to be one of the all-time greats,

you know?

Dave Chappelle, Richard Pryor,

George Carlin, Chris Rock,

Bill C--uh...

Redd Foxx, you know?

Those guys were giants. They were rock stars.

And sure, I'm playing Madison Square Garden.

But it's not-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're playing Madison Square Garden?

- Yeah. - Really?

- Really. - Just you?

- Yeah, just me. - By yourself?

- Yes, by myself. - Wow.

- What do you mean, "wow"? What's that supposed to mean?

- No, no, nothing. I just...

I just remember as a little kid,

seeing Dane Cook sell out the Garden.

He was a star. He was a huge star.

- Well, my show's almost sold out, too.

Wait a minute, how old are you?

- No, I'm not trying to take anything away

from what you've achieved, just really surprised.

Wow.

- I have my own show. HBO, man.

- HBO Max. - All right, this is--

- [knocks] Hi.

- Hello, nurse.

[laughs]

You remember that? From "Animaniacs"?

- I'll be taking your physical today.

- You can take whatever you want.

- Do you mind taking off your jacket?

I'm gonna have to check your blood pressure.

- Of course.

I knew you wanted me to take off something.

Why start with that thing? That thing might pop.

You know, I've been working out, you know?

Eating vegetables and praying.

Doing a lot of push-ups, you know.

You eat wings?

No, you give me-- you like plant-based.

You look like a Pisces.

I mean, I don't care nothing about signs,

but I'm a Leo.

[laughs] Whoo.

- Okay, before you see the doctor,

I'm gonna have to check your testicles.

- My...my testicles?

- So take off your bottoms, and put on this robe.

- Why would you have to do that?

The doctor-- - Be right back.

Leo, the lion.

- No, but--

I mean, it should be an older nurse doing it.

Shit!

Damn, it's 8:00 in the morning.

Okay.

Come on, Kev. Come on, Kev.

Got to get it out. Come on.

Rihanna, Beyonce, Halle Berry,

Issa Rae,

Michelle Obama, with all due respect.

Come on, man. Come on, man.

Any girl, any girl. Last time you had sex.

When the last time you had sex? Damn.

When the last time you had sex? Pornhub, Pornhub, Pornhub.

Pornhub, yes. Damn, no service.

Come on, okay. Heat up, heat up, heat up.

She'll see my dick, and then just--she'll tweet about it.

This is gonna be on Black Twitter.

It's gonna be trending. - [knocks]

Hey!

Okay, gonna need you to lift the robe.

- [sighs]

Yo, my bad, yo.

My bad.

[newscast intro music]

- We go now to the Chauncy Hotel,

where NoHo Karen is enraged,

and letting everyone know about it.

- Your freakin' son stole my freakin' phone.

His son has it right there!

- Where? - It's in his diaper!

- My son ain't no damn thief.

- [screams]

- Yo, what the fuck is wrong with you?

- No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, I got this.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[watch chimes]

I'm really sorry about everything.

- Thanks, HomeGrrl.

- People always tell you, "You can't say that

"because kids are watching,

and I don't want my kids seeing that on TV."

I'm like, well, what about my kids?

I want my kids to see everything.

It's bad enough, they're already growing up

without a father.

They need to see-- [laughs]

narrator: Today on Wendy...

we talk to comedian Michael Che

about his special at Madison Square Garden.

- How you doin'? - How are you doing?

- So what are you gonna wear? Leather? Eddie Murphy?

- Oh, I don't think I should be wearing leather.

- Eddie did "Raw" at the Garden,

and he did "Saturday Night Live," too.

- I guess you could say I'm the next Eddie Murphy.

narrator: We gab about his Weekend Update co-anchor,

Colin Jost.

- Colin is married to Scarlett Johansson.

He does it right, and he went to Harvard, and you--

- Well, I actually went to a very prestigious high school

for five years, so...

narrator: And his love life.

- We did some digging in your personal life.

- Oh, no, I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew you'd-- - Nothing came up.

Nothing.

narrator: Watch today.

- On tonight's episode of "Real Child Predators,"

we expose the dark, ugly world of actual child predators.

- Oh, damn, Ma!

Hey, what's up?

- I'm on the phone with the cable company.

"Fortnite's" been lagging.

- Okay. - Come on in.

And make yourself comfortable.

- My mom had to change service providers

every time I tried to buy V-bucks with her card,

got denied.

- Well, maybe you got denied because you're a child,

and you don't have a job.

What are you doing here, Tyler?

- Oh, shit, yo. Who the fuck is you?

- I'm asking the questions. Why you here?

- To meet Jeanine.

- Do you know how old she is?

- I don't know, like 50?

- She's 46. - Oh, shit, all right.

All right, that's better than I thought it was.

- Well, she's still old enough to be your mom.

'Cause I have messages here where you're asking to, quote,

"pipe her down,"

and "beat her guts."

- Facts.

- What's in the bag?

- A Switch, liquor, condoms.

- Magnums? Yeah, right.

Like you could fit those.

- I can fit them though.

- Those are joke condoms.

Nobody can fit those.

You know, you could get in big trouble

for coming here, young man.

- Is you, like, a cop or something, bro?

- Nope, I'm Chris Hanson, host of "Real Child Predators."

- Oh, shit.

- And you're on camera right now.

- Yo, this gonna be on TV?

- That's right.

Everyone's gonna see you're a child predator.

- Oh, shit. - Preying on older women.

- Yo, you already know the fucking vibes.

I was finna get that old bitch round, yeah.

- Think you're so cool, don'tcha?

- Bro, why is you so pressed?

Like, what, you like her or something?

- Actually, I love her. She's my wife.

- Bro, that ain't your wife. She for the streets!

- What is that supposed to mean?

She's from Montauk.

- I'm out of here, I got online school in the morning.

- Get back here! - Suck my dick.

- Yeah, right. You wish!

- Yo, Katt Williams special came on last on HBO,

the one in the green suit.

- You know the green suit one?

- I know, that's the funniest one, yo!

Yeah, Mike Epps' one funny, too!

- Hey, what--let me ask y'all a question.

- What's up? - Y'all think I'm corny?

- Like, the way you dress? - A little.

- No, no, no, I'm talking about my comedy

'cause I know y'all talk about all these great Black comics.

You don't really bring me up. - Nah, man, your shit funny.

- It's just not Katt in the green suit funny,

but it's funny.

- It's just like, it's different.

- Like, very different. - Well, how you mean?

What makes me different than these guys?

Like, I do the same thing. How is it different?

- Like, I'ma keep it a buck, let me--

- No, no, no, no, don't-- - No, let him talk!

- --ruin the night.

- No, look, I'm not gonna get mad.

I just wanna hear what he has to say about it.

- I'm just trying to figure out a cool way to say--

All right, here we go. I ain't gonna hold you.

I ain't never seen stand-up, but I know my mom's dig it.

- Yeah, his mom's mad cool.

- She comedy-savvy, so, like, you up there.

- You've never seen my stand-up?

- I ain't never seen it. It's your job.

We be hang--you know.

- I mean, I like it. I like it.

- Katt brought Lil Jon onstage.

Like, you ain't bringing Lil Jon onstage.

- You can't make memes out of it, but you know...

- It ain't meme-able, but it is funny.

- Yeah. - It's funny though!

- What's that boy that made "Get Out"?

- Jordan Peele.

- Yep, "Key & Peele."

Now, that was a good show. What else?

- "Insecure"! - Ah!

"Insecure," of course,

and that was on normal people HBO.

- It's all for normal p-- - You know what else I like?

"Impractical Jokers."

Now, that's my shit.

Can I get a amen for the Jokers?

all: Amen!

- [laughs] - What is this church?

- There ain't no girls in here, man.

- Man, well, at least ain't wait in that long ass line.

- It is dead as a coffin here, nigger.

- Yeah, 'cause there's no girls in here.

- Man, you know girls show up to the club late.

It's still early.

Plus, there's a couple girls in here, if you look around.

- You know he ain't gonna talk to them anyway.

- Who's not? - You not!

- You. - You crazy.

Point to any girl in here. I'll go right up to 'em.

- What about them? - Her, right there.

- Girl, you had to see it. It was so tiny.

- Stop, stop.

- It was curled up like a little shrimp.

[laughs]

I took a picture.

- Man, that bitch lying, man!

- Who? - Who, them?

- Wait till Black Twitter sees this.

- Nobody, man. You know what?

I don't even feel like clubbing no more, man.

- You good? - Yeah, yeah, it's all good.

- Yeah, I got to wake up early tomorrow for church anyway.

- [together] Church?

- Yeah, 'cause I need forgiveness from the Lord

for what I'ma say in my special.

You know what I'm saying?

- You talk that shit, nigga. - Special's gonna be crazy.

- You coming? - No, no, no.

I'll catch up with you. I got to handle something.

- You talking that G shit.

You better go and let 'em know.

- Y'all are crazy. - Tell them jokes, boy.

- [laughs] - Whoo! Wow.

[club music playing]

♪ ♪

- So Reggie, you wrote that sketch.

- Mm-hmm.

I wrote it 'cause a friend told me that happened to him.

- And he was a little insecure about it.

- Yeah, he was insecure as shit.

It wasn't me at all.

- No, no, that's never--

I've never been insecure about my, uh...

penis size ever.

- Yeah, my shit is cr-- my shit is crazy.

- So that's us.

We don't relate to this problem.

- Psh, big dicks over here.

[both laughing]

- Man, you are so right.

If I want to be an all-time great,

I gotta be able to take risks.

I gotta be able to say what nobody else is willing to say.

- No, I didn't say any of this.

- And I mean, who cares if I get canceled?

Probably just means I'm doing something right.

- I don't know where you're getting any of this.

- Thank you, man.

So do I give you, like, money right now or...?

- What? - For my sins.

I don't know how confession works.

- No, no, we don't turn down donations,

but we don't charge.

- Yes. - I will charge you penance.

- Fuck! I mean...shoot.

- How 'bout, your first confession,

we'll start one Hail Mary.

- That's it? - Do you know the Hail Mary?

- I mean, it's been a while, but yeah, I know a little bit.

- All right, we'll do it together.

- Okay.

- Hail Mary... - ♪ Come with me ♪

- ...full of grace. - ♪ Hail Mary, nigger ♪

♪ Run quick, see ♪ - The Lord is with me.

- ♪ What do we have here now ♪ - Blessed are thou among w--

- ♪ Do you wanna ride or die La da-da-da ♪

- Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

- ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da, ♪

I feel great.

- Well, then, go forth, and sin no more, son.

- Thanks, son.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Yeah! New York City!

How y'all feeling?

[cool music]

narrator: He's controversial.

- I know I'ma get canceled for this next thing

I'm about to say.

- He's not afraid to go there.

- I know the women gonna walk out

when they hear this next joke right here,

but I'ma say it.

- He's the wild man of comedy.

- I see a guy in a wheelchair over there.

You might as well roll your ass out of here.

This is 'bout to be a fucked up show.

- And he's tackling all the important issues,

like race...

- White women, Koreans, niggers from Barbados.

What do you call 'em?

- Politics...

- I mean, who even is the president?

Nobody knows.

- And he's not afraid to go there.

- Man, they might lock me up for that last one.

I just confessed to a very serious crime.

- He's Michael Che.

- [crying]

- Live from the sold out, social distanced

Madison Square Garden.

- Madison Square Garden, what's up?

[cheers and applause]

- Only on HBO Max.

It's not HBO. It's HBO Max.

- I ain't a killer, but y'all pushing me.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

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