Original subtitles

- I don't know if I'm gonna take the vaccine.

I think I'll take the vaccine,

but I don't know if I'm gonna tell anybody.

It might just be, like, a little dirty secret,

like voting.

I wish it was like recommending a movie.

Somebody could be like, "Should I take the vaccine?"

And I'd be like, "I liked it."

You know, I wish it could be that casual.

[upbeat music]

- Che, baby, look, there's no money coming in, all right?

COVID's dried everything up.

- All right, well, can't I just do another animated movie?

Like, "Coco Shango: The Sequel."

- No, that last one ate shit.

All the kids walked out. - It was on streaming.

- Yeah, they walked out of their houses,

into the street into traffic. That's how bad it was.

- Damn.

- I'm not saying it was your fault.

- Good, 'cause-- - But they're saying

it was your fault, all right?

Something about your voice and your face.

- My face wasn't even in the movie.

- Look, we gotta get you back to doing standup, kid.

All right? That's where you shine.

You're up stage.

"What's the deal--what's the deal with this bullcrap?"

Huh? Everybody's clapping.

They love it. - I can't do standup, man.

It's a pandemic. I can't go on tour.

- Yeah, but there's a vaccine now, all right?

We get you the vaccine, we start booking some dates,

and then by the summer, you'll be back like a bump on a lip.

- Why do you always have to get so fucking gross, man?

- 'Cause it's cool. People like it.

- [sighs] I don't know if I trust that vaccine, man.

- You better fucking start trusting it,

or you're gonna have to sell your fucking house.

- Hey, hey. Calm down, man.

I don't have to sell my house. There's other things

I could do. I could sell my mother's house.

- Look, they're only making a very limited amount

of this vaccine, and they're only giving it

to people who really, really, really need it.

Look, I took it, and I'm fine. - How'd you get it?

- I'm rich. Come by my place this weekend.

We're having a vaccine party. It'll be great.

- Am I gonna be the only Black guy there again?

- Yes, 100%.

[pensive bass line]

♪ ♪

- ♪ No matter how hard you try ♪

♪ You can't stop me now ♪

- Let's just address the elephant in the room.

There's a lot of reasons

why Black people don't trust this vaccine

or any vaccine,

but there's one reason more that reigns supreme:

ooh, Tuskegee.

I will say that the country came together,

it felt like, during the pandemic.

But also there was a lot of companies

trying to relate to us.

They act like they was helping, but

we didn't need to hear from all you motherfuckers.

Some of y'all could've just kept quiet

and waited till the fall.

[warm music]

- We at White Castle are here to salute

our frontline workers and medical professionals

in these crazy times.

That's why, since this pandemic started,

we were proud to donate over 200,000 Crave Cases

to hospitals and frontline workers as a thank you.

- And in our enthusiasm to help,

we forgot our burgers tend to rip straight through people.

[stomach gurgling]

- [moans] - We deeply regret

the troubles our burgers

may have caused you

in these crazy times.

And we'd also like to apologize

for all the invaluable N95 masks

that had to be used as little crap catchers

in emergency situations.

- Again, we just totally forgot the damage

these little wet suckers can do.

I mean, the only reason we call them sliders

is because they slide right through your body

at breakneck speed. - [gags]

- Kinda makes you grateful that one of the symptoms

is no sense of smell, right? [laughs]

- [groans]

- What, I can't just go for one laugh?

- In our defense, we never expected White Castle

to last this long as a business.

I mean, we've been trying to sabotage this place

for years, and people keep eating here.

- [sighs] God.

I'd give anything right now to go to a packed bar

or play a game of pool

or just look at chicks.

- And no, we don't believe

the crazy conspiracies floating around

that all this started because a bat ate at White Castle,

and then a guy ate that bat, and it's all our fault.

- But we do believe we made a lot of doctors and nurses

shit their pants with our murder burgers.

And for that, we're sorry.

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- [unintelligible]

Yo, I got white tees, Clorox wipes,

Jew pants, masks, and I got the new COVID vaccine.

Two for five, what's good?

- Wait, you got the vaccine? Yo, let me get two doses.

- Yo, you actually gonna take that shit?

- Hell, yeah, man. I'm trying to get my life back.

- I ain't taking that COVID vaccine.

- Why not?

- Because what if that shit don't work?

- It work. My shit loud.

Smell it. - Hey, man.

I don't know what I'd be smelling for.

- He right, though.

Yo, that vaccine might cause

mad problems for you.

- [scoffs] Here we go.

- Word. Give you the Elvis lip.

- That's stupid.

- Yeah, what if that shit fuck up my liver?

Can't have that, mmm. - It's true, though, man.

I don't trust no drug companies.

They'll give you anything. - Yeah, true.

- You gotta be careful what you put in your body, man.

- Word.

- So y'all know better than Fauci?

I don't think so.

[clippers buzzing]

- Ooh.

Skepticism is almost an artform

in the Black community.

The more skeptical you could be,

it's almost the smarter you are.

You don't have to really have to make sense.

[muffled laughter] You just gotta be so skeptical

that we have to give it some credence.

So much has happened to us,

that we're willing to believe anything

to make it all make sense.

narrator: We now return

to the 1945 classic film, "The Ticket."

[dramatic organ music]

- You think I'm stupid, Clarence.

Where have you been?

- I told ya, I was just at a party.

- For three days?

And you stink like liquor.

- I had a little taste.

- You was in Tuskegee with that hussy again, wasn't you?

- Baby, I swear,

I ain't never been in no damn Tuskegee.

- Oh, yeah?

Then why did I find this old bus ticket

to Tuskegee in your jacket?

♪ ♪

- Okay, fine, I was in Tuskegee a few times.

- I knew it! - But it wasn't for no hussy.

I told you I don't cheat no more.

- Then what was you doing there?

- I was there doing a top secret 'speriment

for the government. - Why would the government

be doing a secret "'speriment" with you?

- Because I'm smart, and I got good ideas.

- No, you don't!

- Why you always feel the need to cut me down?

That's why I drink so much.

- But your story don't make no sense.

- Don't you see?

It's obvious they want me to be a super soldier

in the army so I can win the war

and spread justice across the world.

That's it.

That can be my new name:

the Tuskegee Superspreader.

I like it.

- Yo, what about the flu shot? I got that too.

all: No.

- You don't need no shot for the flu.

Pushups and ginger ale, baby. That's it!

- Yeah, I'd just take the fucking flu

to be honest with you. I mean, I could use a day off.

- Y'all niggas are mad scary.

I get the flu shot every year. It's nothing.

- All right, well, what if you fine

but your kids come out all fucked up?

- You sound dumb as hell.

- You don't want no fucked-up kids.

- Exactly.

- Last thing you want is a fucked-up kid.

- I mean, like, if you can avoid that, you should.

- I can't live with no fucked-up kid, man.

- Oh. [laughs]

- I wouldn't say that.

- I mean, coming out all 'tarded, big-ass head.

I ain't doing that. - Why--

Why you gotta go there, man?

- What's wrong with you? - It's 2021.

- You know what? G got a point though.

'Cause yo, I was reading that doing vaccines

been causing mad problems in children, yo.

- Like making them gay and shit, right?

- Whoa, no. I was--

- Again, see, man, why you

always gotta go that far?

- Wait a minute, G, you got, like, eight kids.

You haven't vaccinated them? - Hell nah.

They mothers probably did though.

- [scoffs] You are bugging, dog.

- Look, I vaccinated my kids, I'm not gonna front,

but for, like, polio and measles and smallpox.

- Rickets, asbestos. - Old timey shit.

Not this COVID-19. It's too new.

- I ain't gonna lie, if I had kids,

I would give them the COVID vaccine.

- So you would give your baby something

that you don't trust for yourself?

- I guess. - Yup.

- And I sound stupid to you? - Okay, but there's shit

that babies could have that grownups can't have.

- Like drinking breast milk. - Exactly!

- Or circumcising. - Circumcising?

- That's like turning your sweater into a sweater vest

but for your dick. - Exactly.

You can do that shit to babies because they can't feel it.

- Who told you that?

- I ain't never circumcising my kids.

I'm not circumcised, and look, I turned out good.

- Dog, you're selling vaccines in a barbershop.

You're not good. - No, you're not good.

- You're, like, the opposite of good.

- I wouldn't use "good" to describe you.

- Not at all.

[urinating]

- Davis. - Oh, hey, Mr. Johnson.

- We were all very impressed with your report, Davis.

Great work again.

- I really appreciate that, sir.

- You know, we could use a man like you

in our junior exec program. - Really?

- Mm-hmm. - It would be an honor, sir.

[dramatic music]

- Uh, yeah, on second thought, I've changed my mind.

You're not quite the right fit.

♪ ♪

- Not again.

- Are you an adult male that has not been circumcised?

I know I am.

And if you're like me, you're probably wondering

what if there was a way to decorate that extra flesh

on your penis so that it wasn't just hanging there?

Well, now there is.

narrator: Introducing Dr. Thurgood Carver's Dick Ties.

- This tiny bow I've made to tie at the end

of your uncircumcised penis

so that it looks like a cute little sausage link.

See? Look how cute that looks.

Now I dare the fellows in the shower down at the gym

to laugh at this. [laughs]

They'll probably laugh anyway

just 'cause they're not mature enough

to tell you why they don't like something.

But you'll know it looks good, and that's what matters.

Now, how much would you pay for that?

$5, maybe $10?

Shit, I'd pay for that.

- Ah, Davis.

I wanted to talk to you more about your reports.

They were--

[shimmering tones]

- Sir.

- Pretty good.

Pretty damn good, actually.

Hey, you got the promotion, son.

[laughs] - All right!

narrator: Dr. Thurgood Carver's Dick Ties.

- [laughs]

- I'm surprised at you, Che. I mean, you on TV.

I would've thought you got the vaccine already.

- I mean, they're trying to make me take it.

My white manager's trying to get me to take it,

but I don't trust that shit. - Smart.

- Y'all are crazy, man.

- Besides, if everybody else is taking the vaccine,

then why I gotta take it?

- Because you can still catch that shit and die, man.

- I'll take my chances.

- All I know is, I can't do another quarantine.

- Word, shit feel like prison, man.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- For real. - Locked in the house all day.

- Can't hug your family.

- Can't go nowhere. No girls.

- I mean, there's girls.

- I think he means, like, it's hard to meet girls.

- Oh, it's because they all got on masks and shit, right?

Like, you can't see they face. - Exactly.

How am I supposed to tell who's ugly or not?

- Yeah, I don't know about that,

but I can't go through another lockdown, man.

- For real.

- You can't go out eat. Ain't no clubs.

- Right? - Sleeping on your back,

guards checking your booty cheeks for weapons.

- The fuck are you talking about, man?

- Lockdown, baby. You can't leave the building,

your mama talking to you through a glass window,

and you taking showers with niggas all day.

- That's just all prison stuff, man.

- Which part? - All of it, nigga.

- All of it, dude. - Every word you said.

- You're just saying jail shit, man.

- What about the herpes shot? I got that too.

One, two, three, four, five. One of y'all got herpes.

[phone rings]

- Uh-huh.

All right, all right. Thank you.

Clarence! Get up, Clarence!

[dramatic organ music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, look, baby, I know what you're gonna say.

- The doctor told me you done burnt me up down there.

- Now, baby, that wasn't my fault.

If you just let me explain--

- Oh, there's nothing to explain.

You been out here with these hussies,

you done caught something,

and then you brought it back here to me,

you nasty bastard.

- I wasn't messing with no hussies.

I told you, I'm done with that!

It's from them Tuskegee 'speriments.

- Shut up about them phony 'speriments.

- Naw, I'm serious.

The man told me there might be some possible side effects.

Something called super syphilis.

- Syphilis?

- No, super syphilis.

Them crackers tricked us real good, baby.

We gotta stick together on this.

- Well, the doctor didn't tell me nothing about no syphilis.

But he told me you done gave me gonorrhea and crabs!

- Gonorrhea...and crabs?

Oh, well, that's gotta be

from them Tuskegee experiments too,

'cause there was a whole bunch of side effects

I ain't even read.

- I don't believe you, Clarence.

- I'm telling you the truth.

I done gave up them cheating ways now.

- Yeah? Then what is this?

- It look like a puppy or something.

- It's a baby, fool.

Some woman done dropped him off at the doorstep,

said it belonged to you.

- Well, it ain't mine.

- He's wearing your boxers. - [coos]

- Wow! [laughs]

Them crackers is tricky, baby!

Well played, crackers. [laughs]

Well played.

- Nigga.

narrator: "The Ticket" will return

after a word from our sponsors.

[dramatic piano music]

- Bold, strength,

brave, excellence,

power, Blackness.

Your life matters

which is why right now, in these serious times,

White Castle is offering two Crave Cases

for the price of one in all of our inner city locations.

Courage, soul,

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,

unity, peace,

jalapeño cheese sliders,

just 28 cents

with the purchase of any large drink

for all 28 days of February.

Your voice matters. Use it.

Ask to try one of our new, delicious smoothies

at 1/2 price.

We know that inner city neighborhoods

have kept our doors open from the start,

and we know that these communities

have been hit hardest by this pandemic

due to preexisting health conditions

like diabetes and heart disease,

probably from a steady diet

of our delicious, sopping wet murder burgers.

So this February, we are giving away a foot

to someone in need.

We're in the fight together

because Black lives matter to us.

White Castle, bold move.

- I remember I went in the shower,

and I couldn't smell my shampoo.

And I was like, "What the fuck is going on?"

So I started smelling everything.

Remember that scene in, like, what was it?

"Helen Keller Story" when she's walking around.

"Water, water."

That was me with COVID symptoms, like,

smelling spices and peppers.

Is this just me? Nobody else went through this?

- Yo, y'all know this vaccine

is how they gonna put the chip in you, right?

- Yup. - Chip?

- The microchip, son. The mark of the beast.

- Stupid, yo. - I'm telling you.

That's how they gonna get everybody.

- Who's they? - Bill Gates and them.

- The computer nigga? - Yeah!

Not just him. All them secret society niggas.

Obama, Rihanna.

- "Shark Tank." All of them.

The New World Order, brah.

- I'm telling you, shit is in the Bible.

Read up. - It's crazy, man.

'Cause everything in the Bible's happening right now.

- Word, right? Plagues and shit.

- So you niggas religious now? - Nah, I don't go to church,

but I'm spiritual, and I do read.

And I'm telling you, this vaccine shit,

this is all part of they plan, yo.

- That's how they get you.

- Damn, that's actually pretty deep.

- Eh, these niggas said the same thing

when the iPhone came out.

- Man, why you gotta scan my face using my thumbprint

just to unlock my phone? That's the mark of the beast.

- That's how they get you. - Yup.

I was just reading about it on Twitter.

Twitter?

So everybody can read all my controversial opinions

and then use them against me in the future?

That's the mark of the beast. - That's how they get you.

- Just call my cell.

Man, I'm not walking around with no cell phone

so they can track my every move.

- That's how they get you. - Just call the house!

A house phone? Shoot.

I don't want them people listening to my conversations

when I'm at home. - That's how they get you.

- Just send me a pigeon. - [laughs]

- A pigeon?

So they can shoot it while it's flying,

and then read my important messages?

- That's how they get you. - Just sing me a song.

Singing gospel songs in the cotton fields

as a secret code to send messages

to other slaves so the master don't know?

- [whispers] That's how they get you.

- You better learn how to drum.

- Why you think they want Black folks

to take that vaccine first?

They ain't slick, they trying to 'speriment on us, brother.

- Man, whatever, dog. I'm taking that shit.

- If you Black and you take that shit,

you crazy.

With the history of this country fucking us over,

how you gonna trust them?

- You know what? That's a good point.

Actually, I ain't taking that vaccine.

- Word.

- Like, hell nah, I ain't taking that vaccine.

- Exactly. - Hell yeah.

- I would never take that vaccine!

All right, and you're sure this vaccine is gonna work?

- Yes, totally. You're gonna love it.

- It's loud. Smell it.

- Okay, I don't know what that means.

- Che, baby, please. Come here, come on.

Just shut the fuck up and do it.

- I just don't wanna get Elvis lip.

- What? - Elvis lip.

Forget it. Let's just get this over with.

[upbeat music]

[sighs]

- That vaccine might cause mad problems for you.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- If you take that shit, you crazy.

- I took it. I'm fine.

- Well played, crackers. [laughs]

- With the history of this country fucking us over,

how you gonna trust them?

- That's the mark of the beast.

- This is all part of they plan.

- That's how they get you.

- Nah, nah, I'm sorry. I can't take this vaccine.

[crowd aws]

I really appreciate y'all

for inviting me to this party,

but there's a lot of history in this country,

and as Black American, I feel like it's my--

- What are you talking about? I already gave it to you, man.

- Hey, man! What the fuck?

You didn't even lift my sleeve.

- Oh, no, I was afraid you were gonna back out.

- And he was right to, right, everybody?

Yeah! Come on!

We're allies! Yes!

- But the important question is:

how do you feel?

- I feel fine.

[excited chatter]

- He feels fine. I think it works.

- You think? [applause]

What do you mean, "You think it works"?

- Since it works, why don't we all take it?

- You haven't taken it yet?

- Who wants to get a shot? - Ooh, me!

[excited chatter]

[upbeat music]

[ominous music]

- Hey!

[Elvis Presley's "Jailhouse Rock", instrumental]

♪ ♪

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